Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Joey Chestnut vs. The World

Episode Date: July 8, 2026

Henry & Eddie bring you this week's stories - Joey Chestnut goes viral, 16 children rescued from a horrific living situation in Ohio - as 4 are charged with child endangerment, Toddler found ALIVE in morgue hours after being pronounced dead, the story of Neil the mischievous Seal, TikTok's "Immortal Unc" Bryan Johnson diagnosed with incurable stomach disease, Santa Claus arrested in child predator sting in New Orleans, Listener E-Mails, and MORE For Live Shows, Merch, and More Visit: www.LastPodcastOnTheLeft.comKevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 Licensehttp://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Last Podcast on the Left ad-free, plus get Friday episodes a whole week early. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.  Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last podcast. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Lael-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l.

Get my DH. Getting your DH. Get my D-H. D-H-D-H-H? An alternate packing service? Nah, dude. I'm just excited about my future as a Messiah. I have stigmata.

You got stigmata? I have a stigmata. You're so, I mean. I am not to buy a Christ revenge. I don't want to call you, stupid. I have a stigma. I guess it's ridiculous. No.

Unnecessarily masculine? Yeah, exactly. That's what it is. Thank you. Which I think translates the stupid. No, I fucking, dude. I lift so hard the other day. I lifted 245 pounds for the first time I've ever done that.

And I fucking ripped my hands open doing it. But it was a deadlift. Yeah. It wasn't like a bench press. I'm not there yet. Yeah. Deadlift. I'm getting there.

245. That's big for me. That's fine. Look at me. You do nothing. You do absolutely nothing. You eat berries. I do.

I love my berries. I'm thick now. I have bench 300 pounds. I'll get there. Yeah. I am going to go. get there. I was 19, though. Yeah, but yeah, all these kids, I see them all doing it even in the gym now.

The kids come over. They all smell. They're all fucking garbage. All they do is sit there. They all they, you know, all they do is Nazi salutes to each other and just, and say skibbity over and over again. And then they just go and they, but yeah, they can lift tremendous weight because they don't have feelings yet. Yeah, no, no. I was, I cheated, though. I let it, I bounced it a little bit. And also, yeah, you, yeah, you weren't doing it. I do shit slow. Yeah, I bet. I do shit real slow. Everything. But makes me strong. Oh, it was like.

Is that what it is? Stink Marta. Is that why you're in the bathroom so long? I'm touched by Christ. I'm in the bathroom because that's how I think. Welcome to side stories. I'm sitting here with non-thinker Ed Larson, I guess. What?

Exactly. You all know. You all know me. All right. If we're in the toilet for a super long time, it's because life's complicated. Yeah. Or I'm playing my fruit game. Exactly.

Which is taking a shit full of fruit. Yeah. You and ice fruit. Between the berry consumption that you got yourself up to and the berry consumption that I'm up to, my shit's at grizzly level. Oh, do you know what I learned recently? And I don't even know what to do with this because I don't think I can handle this. Is that you're supposed to be freezing the blueberries.

I buy them frozen. I told you, bro. You buy them frozen? Yeah, you moron. Apparently, they release more antioxidants when they're frozen. Steak mat. God, Timmat. You can't be better at life than me.

Seek mat. Just a little bit. And I, New Christ, Henry Zabrowski. Yes. I feel's good to be the New Christ. I hope they don't kill me like the last one. Well, you know, at least it'd be fun. Yeah, I won't go to Italy.

You get to come back for a couple days. It didn't kill them in Italy. It was the Italians who did it, but it wasn't in Italy. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah. So the right. He never walked. You get to Italy and you make a right.

He couldn't walk to Italy. The ankle support wasn't good enough. Yeah, what if I can bitch. That's what I'm saying. Jesus Christ. fucking they could keep you on the cross. I'm going to say, dude. You can't keep you on the cross. I'm Teflon. Yeah.

Shout out to Rob, always throwing up what we're talking about on the screen so we can see it. He threw up a picture of Jesus. Thank you. Yeah, just so we knew that it was Jesus. And you know, I love about this Jesus. I'm trying to inspire you guys. I do appreciate white Christ. I love Ginger. Thank you for making it

a white Christ. Ginger Christ. Eddie Shearron Christ is my favorite Christ. Because that's the one the most because you know how well he would have stood the temperatures of the desert. But we have some updates. First of all, there was a lie that was issued a clip of Joey Chestnut choking out a guy, a protester that was from 2022. It went viral.

We were super excited about it because, honestly, we hear at last podcast on the left are Joey Chestnut Stans. Big fucking nutter, dude. I'm trying to get him in here. I'm a nutter, bro. I'm all up in that shit. And yes, he's a fucking champion. He did plead guilty to assault.

He was out on parole in order to compete in Coney Island. Woo! But I will say before- You have to be on parole to compete in Coney Island. And he won. He did won. 66 hot dogs. He won, which is a big deal for us.

He won, which is a big deal for us, as in America again, after the World Cup, after we suck dick over there, right? After we fucking sucked all that dick because we suck and we're losers right now. Joey Chestnut's on World Cup. He's a winner, all right? I dare anybody from Valencia. try to eat fucking 66 hot dogs at once. I'll probably kill him.

Send his fucking ass to Belgium. Yeah. Oh, I bet you. Oh, they have one little sip of tea over there. They get all jittery. They can't eat 66 hot dogs and it'll fucking make their systems explode. I wrote Joey Chestnut a song

because I like him so much. Please do it. Do you need a, like, a bead? No, I'm going to do it. Acapello. Acapello's his gay brother. Acapello is when a man does it. You're kidding you.

I'm sorry. All right. I'm sorry. Okay. that's how it goes. Acapella is when your fucking bitch ass doesn't it.

That's right. You come at me. I have stigmata. Give me that, that, that, that nut. Give me that,

that, that, that nut. Give me that. Eat nut. Nathan's is the place to be. Always chewing's the life for me. Spread your lips

up and far and wide. Oh, fuck that shit to slap me with a dog. It's on it. Huh? I wrote. Oh,

so we're supposed to do it in the Green Acres thing. He was so happy. Always chewing is the life for me. Spread your lips open far and wide. Oh, fuck that shit. Just let me put my dog inside. Give me that, that, that, that nut, easy-e.

Dead of AIDS. Yep, truly a wonderful American. And so from one American dead of AIDS to one soon-to-be dead of AIDS, Joey Chestnut, we salute you. Really good work. But yeah, just so you know, sometimes clips go viral out of context. But I will say, we didn't talk about this. We talked maybe briefly before we told me.

We didn't talk about talking about this on the show. I watched the body cam footage. Of what? Of Joey Chestnut getting arrested for the assault. Oh. Oh my God, buddy. What happened? So it starts with, first of all, he's all hungover, right?

So the cop is coming to him. So what we now know, the whole thing, a fan, a quote unquote, quote, quote, Than came up to Joey Chestnut. They got into some physical altercation where he choked the guy out just like he choked the protester out and tried to stop his fucking incredible run. You get between the nut and fucking dogs? Done. You're done, buddy. Well done.

Okay. And so these guys, so this guy, obviously he got choked out by Joe Chestnut, super upset about it. So he called the police. The next day, they come here to show him the video of what he did. And the best part is that, so Joey's just not, let's just say he don't remember it. Let's say he gets a little happy out there with the alcohol. All right, I think that he might, he says that he was completely blacked out, which I agree. This is why I try not to hang out with fans.

Yeah, I agree that he's completely, he was, so the cop is showing him the video. Joey Chesst not sitting there with his head in his hands and he's like, and the cop is trying to be as nice as possible because the cop is obviously a fan. Yeah. So the cop is like, everyone's a fan. Joey, I'm not trying to fuck up your night here, but I just need you to look at this video. And he shows him the video, and it's him choking out the fan, right?

Was he doing it with his hands or was it a headlong? It was like an arm bar, right? It's not that bad. Eddie? You're not his lawyer. You're not his lawyer. You're not paying you yet, okay? So Joey says that as he's watching,

the mortified look over his face, where he's like, Jesus, fucking Christ. And the best part is his wife behind him, just going, you fucking idiot, Joey. That's you. That's you, Joey. Like, like over his shoulder. He's going, that's definitely you.

You're guilty of this, Joey. You know, like, at least he's sitting there. And it's like, Jesus, fucking, and the cop is like, gee, wish Mr. Nud, I wish I didn't have to, I wish it didn't have to be me. You know what I mean? I got to say, I've been watching you ever since, fucking, 97. And so this is a lot for me.

None of us want to bring you in. None of us want to do this. But the guy is mentally handicapped now. And so we're going to have to bring him in. He's fine. No, he's not mentally handicapped. He's fine. But the cheer, I just feel like if you saw the disappointment of Joey Chestnut's wife.

I can't believe they blurred her face. We know who she is. Yeah, I'll find her. Yeah. You know, but I think it's she is, I think her anger might even be enough. I, you know what? Honestly. You know, sometimes you just feel like that?

I got to tell you, you know, I don't want to talk like this because I love the nut and I don't want to, you know, be an asshole about this. But like, I expect better. out of his wife. I expect her to be like, that's not my Joey. That's not him. You know, like, come on, put on the show. You know what I'll say? What are we doing here? Eddie. If Julie sells me down the river like that in front of a cop,

I'll be very upset. They're going to do it. Wives look for crimes now. Okay? That's just how it is. There's no lower linnies from the river anymore. Is Mystic River? There's none of that. Yeah. It doesn't exist, right? You're a bad person if your wife's also a bad person.

The key about every man or anybody that has a significant other, the key is that you need to find the moral opposite of you to balance you out. So most guys, I do believe, have a much more moral person in a wife form next to them that is their morality outside of them. And it helps checks and balances of all the horrible thing that you're going to do as a guy just throughout your life. Yeah. Oh, he used to be with another competitive eater. and her name was Nestle Jesus Christ I'm a fucking asshole

Yeah Whoa that's her That's his old That's his old bride to be And now I guess They're not together anymore So I looked up Joey Chestnut wife And he's not married

Oh it's his girlfriend It's his girlfriend I think she just got a little Demotion Dude I mean Fucking whatever I mean I'd fall in love with a girl

If I could see her Turn her fucking throat Into a hot dog highway Every once a year You know what I mean Just open up the gates and you just throw all these nitrates in, making you permanently able to withstand the temperatures of the sun. Hold on a second. Is he married or not married?

I'm so confused. Wow, we're really going to get to this? I need to know. I need to know. Sidesl.com. Is anybody hooked up with Joey Chestnut? The daily, the daily, uh, the daily, uh, the daily, uh, the daily, uh, the daily, uh, the daily, uh, the daily, uh, the daily, uh, the daily, uh, uh, the daily, uh, uh, the daily, uh, the daily, uh, Well, that's obviously, it's a big guy. It's a sponsor. That's a big guy. No, Nestle, Rikasa.

Now, he was previously engaged to her. I was previously engaged her. I mean, it's hard. These careers are hard on people. You've got to travel a lot. You got to travel a lot. He's a big star. There's the groupies.

You know what I mean? People come at you from all these different angles. I get it. It's hard. Do you have groupies or meatballs? I think, yeah. Yeah, I think they're called meatballs. Yeah.

It depends on the size of it. It really depends on the size of them. I love you, Joey, no matter what your crimes are. So, keep eating them, don't. I'm fucking with it, man. All G. has to know is, much like we here at last podcast and the left, are just subject to whatever the hell it is that we're staying within WME, only because we have just committed just under the amount of crimes we need to get canceled.

Joey Chestnut, I would also advise you the same. Yeah, yeah. Try to keep your crimes not violent. That's what I would do. Keep it to financial. Financial crimes, no one really cares. Speed. You can do all that.

You can drug possession. Get a bad meme. That's great. That's all fine for us. We can all forgive you for all of those things. Oh, not coin? Oh, in a second. I'd forgive you for your rugpole. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because anybody's buying money from a hot dog man should commit suicide.

So I think that's a fine thing. I think that's fine for that to be a problem. Yeah, I love you, Joey. We love you, Joey. We do. No matter what you've done it. Your's unconditional love for you here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope you reign supreme until you die. Yep, he will. Ten years from now. I would love it, honestly.

And I think he would, too, is if he died in front of us. He's going to. Yeah. And he don't worry about it. Competition. I want him to go down hard. Eddie, don't worry about it. I want them to be like, oh, there's no winner this year because Joe, or I want him to still win.

Well, they're just like, he's eating so many hot dogs commultatively. No matter how many hot dogs do you eat today, you're not even even get close to his number. So if Joey's like, all right, you're in the middle of a competition, hypothetical speaking. Yes. In middle of competition, he's at 50 dogs. He's already winning. All right. He chokes, dies.

There's still three minutes left. Do they let everyone keep going to see if they could beat them? They better. Yeah, right? Is this America? Does the war end when the general gets shot in the head? Absolutely not. No.

Yeah. We still got to go on. Right? When our general of culture was shot in the head, beautiful Louis C.K. We still had to move on. We still had to get up every day and go to war. That's right. And defend him and get out here and talk about how it's totally fine because he asked permission

before he openly jerked off in front of a bunch of his co-workers? Not when he did it on the phone. You're right. When he did it on the phone, that was actually pretty bad, I would have to say. That was pretty bad. You're right, Eddie. That was pretty bad. That was pretty bad. Really good, Eddie. But we just want to say, we're so congratulations on his new Netflix deal.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, oh yeah. Oh, so he's a co-worker. Yeah, he is. It's really great. Look at that. It's really good to be amongst the best here at Netflix. So here we go. let's first get into this super sad story. I want to do this first before we get into your fun story, Eddie. Oh, whatever. I got time.

Live from North Lane. So this one is, you know, the current administration has really shown us a lot about how important family is. Oh, absolutely. And I think that that's one of those things that like us, godless, childless, I would say F words here in Los Angeles. we've been trying to destroy your family culture for as much as possible. That's right. Trump loves his family so much. He fucks his daughter.

That's the idea, right? He chose his daughter again by fucking her, right? He loves his ex-wife so much that he buried her. He had sex with her against her will. Yeah, that's huge. He's so pro-family. And I feel like that's what it is, is that the family is suffering. And I think that what happened here in Ohio, to me, is another example of government overstepping on a

family just trying to be a family. Okay. So in Vinton County, Ohio, 16 children were removed from a home. This is deep Trump country. Okay. In a 12 by 12 space in which they had been living, sequestered, covered in feces, filth, and

all sorts of manner of total degradation from the ages of 17 months to 18 years old. 18 year old was completely nonverbal, completely couldn't even write her name, had no idea where she lived. could name the city that she lived in. They were being raised by,

I'd say kept by the Siders family. Now, this is a close family, Eddie. Okay, it sounds like it. Gay are close. So first it starts with Gary Sider, Senior, 73. Then there's Elizabeth, Christina Sider, 67. That's Mom and Dad. That's Papa Ananu, right?

And then you have Gary Siders, Jr., 36 years young, with his beautiful bride, Elizabeth Siders, 33. Now, you'd say that they all look like they're covered in liquid vassaline, right? But no, that's just, that's them. Yeah, some people, you know, some people like baby oil, they look like they like adult oil. Now, what I find interesting about these family members is that they each have a different set of chihuahua eyes. I've never seen human beings with tear stains before, like an adult. Chihuahua. And so

Elizabeth Siders. Gary Siders looks like John Carpenter's ghost. Yeah, he does. He don't look good, and he looks like he needed a break. And he's got the reverse Hitler facial hair. Everything but the tiny mustache. Which is weird. I hate that. I hate that. Especially if you're

not a Civil War reenactor or Amish. So the way it goes... I think he's a Civil War of like perpetrator. Yeah, he's still fighting. So these guys, they all got arrested on child endangerment. Now, where this all came from was that the police, for some reason,

it's a little spotty. They were going, they were doing a search warrant for an indecent exposure charge on the son, Gary Siders Jr., 36. Apparently, he had been, over four instances of the last month, they said the idea is that he's been furtively, the term furtively,

showing his genitalia at the neighborhood, four separate times in a way that you cannot construe that he was trying, not trying to show it to a member of his household, which I did not know is fine. Yeah. Like, you could, that's fine. You can just, as long as they're, as long as they're a roommate, you can show them your dick and balls.

If you have 16 child prisoners, don't go showing your dick to the neighborhood. You'd think that, Eddie. But I think he's, that's why I'm saying. I don't think his eye was on the prize here. So that's what, they went into investigating. You know Gary Sr. is so mad at Gary Jr. Oh, he said the whole thing worked out. Yeah, I got worked out, guy.

We want to Polter. They're no one to both to know about our baby factory. You got to show you a dick all over town? Yeah, Daddy, just like you did, Daddy. How'd you be mommy, Daddy? You're white. So Gary Siders Jr. married, Quinticle, was allowed to marry Elizabeth Siders when Elizabeth was 15 years old.

She was taken from her. family, essentially. They went to another state. Well, the family would have to sign off on it, right? They did. They got permission. They went to another family. They went to another state in order to get married in West Virginia, because Ohio it still got that over West Virginia.

Oh, okay. Is it you can't marry your child in West Virginia. You can just in Ohio, but you can kind of keep it sequestered in a house for a super a long time. Yeah, in Ohio, they would have to wait another couple months. Yeah, you have to get, yeah, yeah, there's a form. Trump has to marry you. I think that's how it works. That if you

are getting married to a child in Ohio. Trump insists he officiates. And then he also gets, I believe, they call it Prima Nachta, which is a medieval concept of the feudal lord gets to have his first night with the newest bride of anyone amongst his town.

Hopefully. So, these guys, so Elizabeth Siders has been a part of this family. So now, this is interesting thing. So she's now 33. She has been with them for 18 years. She has been pregnant every year. So here's the... Oh, so these kids aren't kidnapped. They're hers. We don't even really know. So this is, so this is where she has been registered as pregnant. She was pregnant in

2008 with one child. 2009, child two. 2011, child three. 2012, child four. 2013, child five. 2014, child six. Two thousand 16, child seven. 2017. Child eight. Two thousand 19. Child nine. Two thousand 20 child 10, 22, twins, 11 and 12, 2024, twins, 13 and 4, 2025, twins, 15, 16. And then, apparently, two subsequent stillbirths of conjoined twins that died on delivery. This lady is just pressing them out. She's a Pokemon factory. I have no idea how you could have that many babies and still have organs. Yeah. I mean, she would have had two more if they weren't stuck together.

You're right. But I would count that as one. Yeah. If I was a betting, man. And they had two hearts. Right? Two hearts. What makes a person?

A heart or a brain? Two of hearts. That's a good question. Side stories, L-P-O-T-L-G-L-G-Mel.com. What makes a horse? A horse. Oh, a brain. Are you the...

That sounds like a wizard of odds. Yeah. And so she has 16 kids. No one fucking asked any questions all these years? Everyone has basically said... like, oh, Gary Seniors got the homeschooling? They have moved from, they have moved from place to place to place with these kids as they've increased.

In a bunch of different states, we're now seeing that this is the final resting places. They've been at the four, they've only been here for four years. Those kids, they said the neighbors said they'd never seen a kid. They didn't even know they had kids. It wasn't even until like all of this. They were like, what the fuck's happened in this house? They must be going around in the nighttime. They said the only thing they've seen of this family is Junior's penis.

You know, I feel like all of this. like people in Ohio, they like, I mean, they don't talk. They don't fucking talk to each other, man. Like, this is where, like, Castro was hiding all those chicks in his basement. Honestly, you're kind of not bad. You're not correct. You're incorrect.

I do legitimately. I don't see nothing. I don't say nothing. But it's like, ask a question. Wave high to your neighbor. Fucking, who knows what's going on in there? I think it's partially the conservative idea of not my business, not my pig, not my farm. Right? Which is how they say, that's how they say they have peace.

Right? So they say like, oh, I don't judge and I don't care what you do in your house or that kind of stuff. But it's really just, I don't care. Yeah. I don't care what happens over there. There's no love in that goddamn state. No, it's all for sports. It's pure death. It's not for family. It's pure death.

And so these guys were, they don't know, they're now calling us, the main issue here is that who fathered all these kids. So we don't really know. We don't know yet. They're now all in custody. They're all being tested. It's probably both of these fucking guys. Yeah, they definitely bushwhack. that one. Yeah, I mean,

there was a tag team style situation going on. That I honestly things gross. What about Christina Siders? Is she, is her only child? So did she only have Gary Jr.? It seems that Christina Siders was the chef? Yeah. I think I'd put

her chef slash so she, they only had one child and then they moved into 16. It does seem to that is that then they then whatever was happening with the youngest girl and junior, they were either participating in making

children altogether or they just watched. Yeah. Like a good grandfather does. Oh, God. You know, that's... Witches and ghouls, man. They are literal ghoul. So, the kids are now out. They are kind of figure out... They're going to be

in the foster system. Their whole fucking lives. No, they are not going to have... I guess. I guess. All I'm going to say is that this section is at least done, Right? Yeah. They said the rest of the family, apparently the rest of the Siders family, they didn't hear a lot from them.

Oh, yeah. They cut them off a while ago. They said they really kept them in arm's length. Yeah. And that it is interesting because they even just said that Siders had even been in an all-American family. First, because that's the problem is that they both dropped out of grade school. At a grade school. Yeah, Elizabeth Siders didn't.

She completed eighth grade. Okay. And then she was. No high school for her. She don't need it. No. You don't need it to fucking. Get that.

Cammy. Oh, my God. Right? Is that bad? Is that? I'm not helping? No, you're right. It's not a class.

Getting come isn't a class in high school. So yes. I'm in, unless you call it a fucking homeroom. Do you know, in my school, we had like a... These kids were in home room all the time. Yes, all the time. They're not allowed out of homeroom, unfortunately.

We had a place where you could, if someone had a kid and they were in high school, we'd have a little, we had a daycare. That's how many kids were getting knocked up in Florida. We had a daycare of my high school. Just adapt. Do you guys ever had a... Did you guys...

What? Do high schools have wet nurses yet? I mean, we're all wet nurses. I've tried to... I applied to be one. I mean, I open... Whenever I see those maternity little closets, I'm like, is there a waiting list? The best part about Henry being a wet nurse is the kids get the floss while they're doing it.

Well, this story is going to really only blossom from here. So they, like what, they get life? What is the crime? The crime is, oh, no, they'll get massive life. Yeah, child endangerment, child, reckless, all of the child, the abuse stuff. You can go to jail for life for that. 17 counts of endangering children. Yes, and they...

It sounds like it's worse than that. It's kind of funny because, like... It will definitely. Oh, definitely. Wait till you see, though, like, Law and Crime Network is, like, one of my favorite YouTube channels that goes over true crime. And they decided they had the Gary Scy Sider senior they had his lawyer on

and just him even trying to explain that he was like yes the house was dirty and phases means dirty so it was just that's dirt confesses is the type of dirt and then he was also like okay and then he was just like also there was

no lock on that room any one of those children could have left at any time they weren't locked in there they were just kept in there and you're right you can't yeah he was trying just even as he's trying to explain.

This is my job. I have to do this. I have to do this. Do you think I like this? It's in the Constitution. I don't want to. I don't want to. Look at that man.

That man is, I have a deer head and an applehead in one family. I've never seen, I've never seen an apple-headed chihuahua person. If he is guilty, I get to punch him first. Yes. That's my job. That's what I get to do. Until that day.

Until that day, he is. He's innocent. He's sort of innocent. God, it's just like, you look at this crew, and it's like, how does... Yeah, destroy them. And of course they couldn't sneak out. Gary Sider's senior's looking in two different directions. He's covering the whole fucking room.

You're right. You're right. That's what it is. Yeah. His peripheral is way better than his rur-straight-on. Yeah, he'd be a really good tennis player. You know, you want to hide from him. You just stand right in front of him.

Oh, well, we wish him luck. And we hope that... I think the family is going to be all right. Man, they really all should be in prison forever. I feel like Elizabeth Siders is the only one I take a little bit of pity on. Who knows... I mean, yes, of course. She's got to be like a prisoner.

Everything is... Her life, whatever we want to do, her life wasn't awesome. So whatever was going... It's bad. She was of the four... villains here, she was like the number four villain. You know what I mean? Like she was the one that was still there. Like

it's hard, yeah. Like a lot of people are going to be like, why didn't you go running out of there? Should we do a tears list on them? Well, we gotta get the kids' names first. It doesn't matter unless you get all the kids' names. You gotta rank them.

Sleepy, dopey, sneezing, grabby, gripper. Then two times the amount of dwarves. Trigger. I'm like, what are your name your kids at that point? It's like the entire staff of LPN. Yeah. Oh, it is.

Do you like my intra family? Yeah, man. Imagine that. I bet none of them had health insurance. Yeah, well. You would save so much money if you just made a little secret family. Shh. Don't ruin my plan.

All right, here we go. I actually have a bit of happiness. Oh, okay. This is happiness. All right. Arizona toddler declared dead was found alive in the morgue. Again, this is another kid that is... This is you're claiming this is happy.

It is. Okay. I'm going to throw an ish on the end of that. It was Super Bowl Sunday. You got to see the end of the game. An Arizona toddler was pronounced dead at an emergency room on Super Bowl Sunday, the worst, most bummer day to have a dead toddler. Five hours later, the boy...

See, it's nice. It'd be give us something to do. Super Bowl Sunday, at least it's already nighttime. Yeah, I guess. What happened during the six-hour period? So the baby was found breathing in a hospital morgue about six hours later. The circumstances that led to the near drowning. This is like Vincent Lorenzo Fjordilino.

Okay. He was in a pool. It was in Maricopa County. Now, we don't know. So apparently, according to the police, the police, the parents were, they had wandered off to the pool because they were, let's just say the parents were all fucked up. They were stoned. They were stoned. and drunk watching the Super Bowl.

And they lost control over there. They lost sight of their son that slipped into the pool. Truly nightmare of nightmares. Also, if you're getting high, what's more fun than a toddler? Play with the kid. You know, if you're stoned, like, just pay, it's their goofy. Controversial statement. You know, we're fucking fathers.

I'm just saying if you're getting a high and watch the kid, that's not a controversial statement. Anytime I've been around a child. around a child, watch them. I'm mostly stone. Yeah. When I'm around a child. I've been stoned. Yeah, put on metal by Pink Floyd.

Yeah, dude. And like the kid put on a show. And explain to them what fucking Vietnam was about. Yeah, I get them used to it. But so, it's sad, right? I also believe, but part of me is one of those where I tend to think Super Bowl parties and children should be

separate. Yes. And I think that children can be kept in a place away from adults. That's maybe my thought, right? They could have used a pack and play. They could have used a pack and play. But truly, I think it's really nice that it worked out like this. So the baby went in, and it's a heartbreaking situation.

They said they had smoked weed in the morning. And they got the baby, they found the baby. So right now, I'm trying to see, according to crowdfunding, there's a crowdfunding. There's a crowdfunding thing up there. The baby is breathing. And apparently he doesn't have serious brain damage. He's not a baby. He's a toddler. 18 months, he can say

Dada probably. This is crazy. Hopefully. I mean, also, the cop who showed up, there was a doctor on the scene who pronounced him dead. And the cops like, are you sure? The doctor's like, I'm a doctor. Let's just say I like and know dead children. Okay?

Let me show you. First of all, I put the little silver mirror underneath his nose. Then I put two silver dollars on his eyes for the river sticks so that he can pay Karon to take him to the other side. Yeah, because everyone's getting mad at the parents. And yeah, you know, you shouldn't get so high you don't know where your toddler is. Yeah, I wouldn't. But the doctor. I'd be super paranoid about it.

The doctor literally turned to the cop and said, please do your thing and let me do my thing. I went to medical school for a reason. Direct quote. Nothing makes me after you. Nothing makes me happy. That's her dead at the scene. And they locked him in a drawer at the morgue. And?

Done. Oh, what was that little Twitch? Who cares? I got to go finish the Super Bowl. Oh, my God. They're turning it all around. Yeah. Wasn't this also the worst Super Bowl of all time?

I don't watch it anymore. This is the last Super Bowl. It's just a reason not to watch. The last time I watched the Super Bowl was so fucking boring. I don't even know why I would lose track of my child. Right? Am I wrong? Man out there?

Site Stories, L-P-O-T-L-G-L-G-L-G-L-D-L-G-L-D-L-G-L-D-L-D-L-G-L-D-L-D-L-D-L-O-T-O-B-O-T-O-O-T-O-B-O-T-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-R-B-B-R-B-L-B-R-L-U-L-L-U-N-L-U-N-N-U-L-N-N-tttttttt... Let's continue. This next story. Actually, I like that, Bunny. I like the whole thing. Oh, no, it's good. It's fine. It's fine.

All right. Now, Eddie. What? You have a bit of news. Oh, yeah. This story is honestly really nice, and this was one of those... It's nice-ish. We don't know yet.

Natalie's also... Natalie's obsessed with the story. Yeah. So, um, we got a guy. Everyone's been sending me this and thank you very much. I appreciate you. Of course, that's the seal. This is for you.

You like big animals. Yeah. So Neil the seal. Okay. He's this Australian elephant seal. And he's been showing up to Hobart and a whole bun. and he's big, he's the only boy in town. Now, this is New Zealand, right?

No, that's Hobart is Australia. That's the bottom of Australia. Got it. Tasmania. So, Tasmania, that's what it is. And so he's been, Neil the Seal has kind of apparently... This is it. Not Andrews Breivik.

Who was the other guy? Martin Bryan. Martin Bryant territory. Got it. Now I know my favorite. Now I get it. Yes, thank you. Yeah.

And so... Maybe he's just a fan. Maybe he just wants to do true crime tour. So Neil the Seal apparently. has made it a like almost like a tradition He comes back twice a year As elephant seals do they come back

And it's usually one male Rules an area of females Yes and Neil the seal is in charge But there really isn't that many females around But there's coming in here and there But Neil the seal runs this area of Hobart That's his beach And he's gonna get bigger

He's two tons right now It's fascinating So they have to deal with him Every time he shows up He's cranky Because what he does is it's both that it seems that he's cranky slash wildly

playful slash horny where he's... Well, that's why he's there. He's there to fuck. Right, he's there to fuck. And so he's not fucking, so he's doing what all the cops told me that teenagers do when they don't fuck. They break shit, right? They break shit up. Yeah, rub against poles. Yes. So he then will fall asleep

in the highway and he just starts breaking shit. Yeah, he likes to hang out in puddles. He likes signs. Yeah, and basically you can't get within 20 meters of Neil the seal. He's an elephant seal. They are very dangerous. They are very big. He will kill you. A lot of people. That, and this is the real problem here. Not only is Neil the seal like destructive, but the thing is, the real issue is he's become a celebrity. Yeah. And people want their fucking picture with him.

I mean, this is what's going to get Neil fucking off. Yeah, because someone's going to get hurt by Neil and then they're going to have to do something about it. Yeah. And this is what happened. There was a walrus in Norris in Norfolk. Norway a couple years ago. This happened. They had to off his ass. Yeah. Because he was cute just sleeping on couches in the bay and that people just keep getting too close to him.

And then they got to fucking kill him because that's what happens. And I'm not saying I agree with the fact that they got to kill him. I'm just saying that's what fucking happens. It will happen. You know? Yeah, exactly. He's so cute though. He's really fun.

It's like, I do like the idea that the town is embracing him and all of the police and the construction people try to make it kind of semi-safe for him. Because there's like areas. There was like one thing that they showed that there was. like one specific like fence he liked to sleep on well yeah he just they put up a fence to keep him out and he was like that shit i like that you i'm gonna ruin that fence i'm gonna destroy it but it's so cute he just rips through this whole thing where he does this thing where they put up these like wood slats and he just falls on him and falls on and falls them until they break and then he just

rolls through and then he sleeps and it's very cute he like rolls around he's obviously like playing he kind of has like it's like both he's obviously super horny and aggressive, but he's also sort of like having a good time. Yeah, 2,200 pounds out of just piece of blubber. Just destroying shit and they have to deal with him every year and every year he comes back

he gets bigger. Yes, and apparently he's not going to reach full size until he's 10. That's awesome. And he's five now. That's so much fun. So he's going to get even bigger. This is his beach. He owns this shit. The problem is that people want to get too close

to him or there's other people who just hate him because he's fucking up the neighborhood. I get that. But yeah, they're fucking, dude. He was there before you, bro. I guess not. No, well, I mean, elephant seals were. And here is one of the weird problems, is they haven't been there in a long time. But now elephant seals are doing a little better than they were,

and they're showing up to places where they used to be, and now there's a shit ton of people, and they're not having a good time commingling. Well, how does elephant seal taste? Not good. Yeah, so they can't eat them along. They're all over California. Yeah, because we eat them.

Right? If we could. Oh, we'd eat the shit out of them if we could. Yeah, I wonder why we don't. Because, you know, it's a lot of the mammals in the ocean, they're full of mercury. Oh, sure. That's why you really shouldn't be eaten whale. You shouldn't be eating dolphin.

You know, you get a big head or your kids get a big head. You know, one of those things. Unpalatable meat, past overhunting and nearly drove him to extinction. So at some point, people are just like, it's just disgusting and it's really gross. Yeah, well, yeah, because they look. It's dark, it's a strong metallic flavor. Of course they're protected. All animals should be protected.

But, yeah, so there is a petition. to make sure he doesn't get euthanized. Make sure you go and sign it if you care about Neil the Seal. We all care about Neil the Seal. I signed it. I think everyone should sign it. Not that I think my signature should matter in Tasmania. No.

But it's one that they allowed us the option. Yes. Do you know, there's a, speaking of Tasmania, you know that Wu-Tang album that the Farmer Bro bought and that none of us got to listen? Yes. They play it at a museum in Tasmania. Mania.

Weird. Isn't that weird? That's the only place you can go listen to it is standing in that museum in Tasmania. I love Wu-Tang, but I don't want to go. Maybe that's what Neil's all about. Maybe he's just a fucking Wu-Tang fan. Whoa. And he just wants to hear the secret album.

She's a fucking knight of Shaolin. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Dude, cream, man. Yes. I bet, dude, fucking chum rules everything around me. That's fucking huge, dude. Yes, but he will be getting bigger. But most elephant seals do die.

before they get to the breeding age. But I think Neil isn't going to because he's a big old boy and he seems to be king of the beach. Hey, you know what I say? Somebody fuck him. Also, I mean, don't worry about that. Somebody fuck him. Oh, no, Neil's throwing it down. Don't worry about that.

I will say if you have free time, I definitely scared my neighbor on an airplane recently when I was watching a bunch of elephant seal fights because they get violent. Have you ever watched it? Oh, sure. Just them slamming into each other and digging their fucking mouths into each other and just blood flying everywhere, ripping each other's noses off. It's fucking awesome. I watched that Ethan Hawk movie, Blue Moon. Oh, okay.

Yeah. So the same. Yeah, see, it's me, I'm listening to my Donald Bird jazz. It's just elephants seals slamming into each other. It's really a great way to experience life. No, I only watch that's where I watch dramas. I watch them on planes. You watch drama.

Well, this is a drama. It is. This is a drama of the ultimate drama of life. It's action. Honestly, if I wanted to see this, I'd watch Brendan Fraser struggle to get out of his fucking trailer. Oh, come on. He's the whale, not a seal. That fucking new movie's about the weather.

Yeah. That movie looks so fucking stupid. That's how many World War II movies there's been. That was about the fucking weather. We would never want if this guy didn't study weather. But if those clothes. But there's clouds It's fucking D-Day

There's gotta be clouds Who don't want to go if it's raining We don't want them to go If it's too raining It wasn't a tornado I literally I'm glad you said something That makes no sense to me

I was so angry I couldn't believe it I thought it was like So this entire World War II epic Is about the weather I was like Oh I'd rather fucking shoot myself in the head It's a movie about a cloud

That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. It's like the horrible conversation you get stuck in with your family. But for three hours. And boring. And you've got to watch Brendan Fraser, who's out of practice. Yeah, and you go to... Wow. Hot takes that day.

Really kind and hot, dude. I like Brandon Fraser. I love him. I can't wait for him in the Mummy movies. Honestly, think he's going to be great coming back to the Mummy movies. He's just a serious actor. Should call it the tummy. That's the sequel to the way.

That's the sequel to the way. But he dies in that, so we can't. bring him back unless he comes back kind of like a Jason way. I brought this up before so necessary so net so wanting to see gay porn and eat fried chicken again he comes back from the dead the whale too. Can you believe

I'm so I brought this up before the whale not one fart not one fucking fart you mean to tell me a 600 pound man's life 600 you know how to put one fart not one movie the movie should have ended with a long fart especially a gay one

Right? He's been fucked in the butt. Right? No, I don't think he has been. I think that's part of the problem. Side stories, L-P-O-T-L at g-Mil.com. It's the whale of bottom. No, I don't think he got it ever. I think he just likes it. Let's give it up for our billionaires.

I don't give it all up for our billionaires. Let's cover the story real quick. Okay. Go ahead. What is this? Live from Northland. Brian Johnson, not our favorite person from ACDC. Okay. This is...

Fuck it. Yeah, exactly. Why are we even covering it? This is, do you guys know, it's the Mormon vampire? First of all, that's a big slept-on thing that I think no one's talking about with Brian Johnson. For those of you don't remember, Brian Johnson is this guy that is basically said straight up. I have reversed aging. I'm going to be the first ever person to live forever. His whole thing was that he's been draining blood from his son and from young people.

He consumes exactly 1,97 calories a day from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. He has gotten his weight down to a specific thing. He believes he only ages eight months out of every 12, which is the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Doesn't make any sense. It means nothing. It doesn't make sense. How old is he?

He is, whatever it is, it's 12. Four months less. So he's 48 years old. And so he made this big deal about how he's like biologically. His face looks 54 at least. He's disgusting. His body looks fine, but his face looks horrible. And in truly the most wonderful set of just, I just love the universe in many ways.

It doesn't give us everything we want. but it gives us the things that we need. And Brian Johnson having an incurable stomach disease because of the things that he's done to himself makes me laugh and makes me know that there's maybe somebody looking out for us. Because this guy now has this thing called, it's a form of intense gastritis.

His stomach has eaten itself. He refuses to fix it the normal way because he believes he can fix it his way, which means what, Eddie? He's going to die. Yeah. And so that's one of the best parts about it is that his whole experiment's going to be completely...

He's going to Van der Beacon. In, yes, he is, Eddie. You are correct. It's going to rip through his whole life. It's going to destroy him. He's already tried to drain his son of blood. His son managed to survive. And so that's the sons.

Do not give your father all of your blood. Just don't. My dad asked me for a kidney. I was like, fuck you, bro. Dude, you're like, man. Seriously. It's just like, you got how many months you got left. And you want my good ass kidding?

You want my fucking liquor-soaked kidney? Yeah, fuck you, dad. I'm going to straighten this. thing out to give it to and then I don't get to drink anymore. Can I just put it this way? Fuck your ass. Exactly, Eddie. Your job as a parent, we're not parents.

That's why I love talking confidently about it. But your job as a parent is to create another sentient creature. That's it. You don't, they have no other reason to, they don't have to follow anything you say. They don't have to talk. They don't have to take care of you. Your child does not a fucking organ farm. They don't have to do anything.

They literally, you just allowed another consciousness to exist to, to a good. exist and that's it. Yeah, you got to keep it alive, but after that, unfortunately, guys, your son is not yours to do with what you want. So Brian Johnson tried to do that. He did milk his whole family for their blood. None of it works. He's then doing all this kind of stuff, and it means a lot to me because, yes, I am one of those. Would I live forever? Maybe. The only thing I think about with living forever is who's going to pay for it? Who's going to pay for my ass when I'm fucking 150 years old? What status am I can be at at 150 years old.

Am I going to be able to? Is it what kind of alive am I going to be at 150 years old? Which is almost double the age of 80 and think of it every 80 year old you know right now. They all want to be dead or they want to end the world itself. Yeah, their kneecaps are about the fucking pop out of their eyeballs. Yeah, and they're so angry

about it, they want to punish all the rest of us. This is why every 80 year old's clinging the life. And you want to keep them around for another 70 years? I know. I feel like... That's a nightmare. I think of like before we get this batch of 150s, I think we need to kill this batch of 85s first. I think this batch of 85s

has to go. They can't be the 150s. I don't think they're going to be, Henry. Mitch McConnell is currently soup, and we are sitting waiting for his fucking ass to finally cool. Just take him off the fucking stove already. They don't want to because then we get another guy in.

So they're just letting him sit on a warming plate because he's just meat right now. Yeah, he's just garbage. I mean, he's been meat for a long time. Our pedophile president is literally also just turning into liquid shit. How is he not on our list? Who? Who? Fuck that out.

McConnell should have been on our list. We brought it up afterwards. We said no politics. We brought it up afterwards. You guys said no politics. But he just mentioned. We got Pope Leo in there in that politics? No, unfortunately. It's fucking fake, even more fake shit. It's a king of

nonsense world. As long as you're not gay, it doesn't matter. So how did McConnell get so sick? Did someone leave him on his back for too long? Like a turtle? No, McConnell's been fucked. Oh, yeah, because he shorts out occasionally. But I also have this kind of little theory that the part of the reason why I like, Jewelor of the house.

I want to fucking kill him myself. Can I end him? Can I be the one? Can I do it with my hands? It wouldn't take much, dude. I'd give money to a charity to do it. Oh, man. But I have a theory.

This would be great when he dies before this episode comes out. Yeah, yeah, hopefully. I'm brady. I hope. That's the one time the curse would be awesome. It would be awesome. So I have this theory about these billionaire guys. Kind of like with Jeff Bezos about how he tried to go to space and he found out it really sucked.

And so that's why he stopped talking about going to space anymore. Yeah. I really do think a lot of what we're seeing with the Peter Thiel's of the world and the guy the Taiko, what's he looking motherfucker? From the other one opening eye all from Palantir and from this guy. I do weirdly think that they're running these kind of like test lives to see what they can do to do. to do the rest of us and see what we can possibly live on. I think that the billionaire class would love to figure out a way to make us all be able to just be able to live on like food cubes

and some kind of like kind of aerialized water or something. Yeah. I think there's like a way that they kind of wish there was a way to kind of cut the food and water supply out of it too. And I think Brian Johnson is sort of an experiment to see if we could, get people really down to nothing. Yeah. And then we can then force them to live

like that. And then we can stop worrying about like feeding them. I mean, he's worried. He's not feeding himself. That's what I'm saying is that I feel like are they trying to create a system in which they can finally get rid of all this stuff about food chains and food supplies and water supplies and stuff like that so they

can figure out a way to make us sort of like plants. Oh, he started taking an iron supplement. That's big. So he should be fine. Natalie just did as well, yeah. No, I will say, this guy, here's, I'm gonna say

something nice about him. Are you ready for this? At least he did the experimenting on himself. Sure. You know, and he didn't do it on a bunch of

fucking rats and humans. Yeah, but honestly, you know, he was his own science experiment. You might have learned more. You see what his TikTok is? Immortal Unk?

Yeah, fuck this fuck this fucking. I can't wait to watch him get fucking die being hit by a bread truck or something. Like, that's like what's gonna happen to him. But I just think it's important

to remember that all of these billionaires are really like that's kind of the system we're now in right now which is I think that's why they're trying to do the aspirational thing towards the billionaires because the idea is to like see if they can live without food and water and stuff like if they can all live like this and just on pills and stuff so can you and you and it's desirable like this life is desired like the idea that AI's is inevitable thing like oh no it's desirable you not being able to think or do anything also on your own also super desirable I would love it if they just blew up as the moment before he died soon.

Yeah, just right before he died, just like, hey, watch this. Either way, he's a fuck. Make it a coral reef. Nothing. Also, I would say, if you want to never have sex with the man ever again, see the ick footage of him with an umbrella in Australia because the sons too strong for him. And then the fact that he went out and he did a clinical test of his girlfriend's vagina to show why he clinically made it as tasty as possible. His, what?

Yes. He made his wife's vagina. Girlfriend. Girlfriend's vagina. He did a... Clinically, is Tatewood. He just... They did pH tests on it to get it dialed in.

You know, you know what fixes that? Peanut butter. You're disgusting. Are you a Labrador retriever? Are you in Dariel Castro's house? It seems like he spent a lot of money on stuff that peanut butter could have fixed. It just sounds like you got him... Oh, God, I hate this human being so fucking much.

He is pure scum. This picture of him. all these guys dancing. It's like him and Elon Musk. These guys are fucking just this is we are in such bad shape as a culture right now. Yeah, you know.

That's fine. But he's dying. Speaking of, a guy named Santa Claus was arrested on child exploitation. Woo! Oh, no. Yeah.

Legally changed his name to Santa Claus. Yeah, that's right. They baited him and they got him in the undercover sting and Santa Claus showed up to the 13-year-old South Sam sex. But you just think that Santa Claus would look at

Jingle Bells? I just feel like Santa Claus would know who's nice and naughty. And I feel like when it comes down to the Santa Claus... So he's fucking taking advantage of the naughty kids. He's like, you're fucking naughty. You want to fucking move up the ranks? And now that's how we just got to? An Epstein update. What? No, no, no, I'm just saying that's...

That's Santa Claus as Jeffrey Epstein with his blackmail scenarios. Imagine that if we... Like, the fucking... That's how we find out Santa Claus was real, is that he's in the... He's just been molesting... He's been molesting all the naughty kids Because he knows he won't say anything Santa Claus is real

And he goes to Epstein Island And he molest the naughty kids Because he knows that they won't And some of them were like I'll fucking dick You know like I was wondering why there were so many fucking reindeer In St. Thomas

You're sweating Well I'm glad we had this thought experiment This dude does not look like Santa Claus man You're right Rob Yeah you're right Yeah Good Took him down a peg

Yeah yeah Yeah right I don't think he is. I might even say he might not be. I will say, though, I do really love the fact that he wore all red to the pickup. He wore a red outfit like he was Santa Claus to go have sex with the child. You know, they call him Santa Claus because he doesn't trim his phone nails. Toonails.

Shit. They call him Santa Claus because he doesn't trim his toenails and their claws. Ew. Ah, I said phone nails. you did. I can't remember. I can't unhear it. But his toenails are claws.

I can't unhear what you said before. I can't unhear the message and the stuff that you've made. The mistakes you've made that were now in. Rough place to be a sugar plum, I'll tell you that much. Yeah, right up that fucking guy's ass. I feel like she calls sugar plums

is what he calls it when he has hammer it. If anyone changes their name to Santa Claus, put him in prison. Shoot him in the head. Just shoot him in the fucking head. They're trying to get too close to children. They're lying to people. who doesn't exist Santa Claus.

Yeah. If I just started showing up in like, No, I'm the Easter Bunny. Not just that. If I changed my name legally to Easter Bunny, Zabrowski, you'd fucking arrest you. You know how many people dress up as Santa Claus every year and don't call themselves Santa Claus?

If you need to be the most Santa Claus of all Santa Claus, you're trying to lie to the kids. Because also, since when has Santa Claus ever had a kid sit on his knee, and he asked him what he wanted, and the kid says, A good way, Alan? I bet it's happened once or twice. I kind of need a good old.

all fucking dugout Get Santa get me get me you know what I mean How old are you? What is even happening here? He was like Is this a penthouse letter? Santa Claus was on a dating app? He was on a, that's how they caught him.

He was on a dating app. For kids? I don't know if it was for kids, but imagine coming across Santa Claus on a dating app. Oh, he's on Grindr. Okay, Cupid. Because Cupid's one of the reindeer. Yeah.

Not bad. He was on Grindr, not bad. He was on Grindr and they posed as a child on Grindr. He was on a dating app, Door, Dasher. Ew. That's gross. Santa Claus fuck's kids. I like those in our notes.

So here we go. I think we time somebody listener email, right? I love listener emails. Do we have any new stingers? Have people been sending them in? We don't have any new one. So if anybody wants to send a new one in, we could use a new one.

You know what? Can I put out a request? If anyone's like got a reggae thing going on or like some xylophone, I would love to hear a xylophone listener email or some reggae listener email or some reggae listener email, you know, action. You know, I figure out. Asper, it's always like metal. Yeah, it is. It is like our

people. Our wheelhouse. And no AI, no AI stingers. We can, anybody can do that. Because people try to send us AI stingers and pass them off as their music. Yeah, we know, we can run through a thing. I can tell. I'm not going to play your AI stinger ever, so don't send them. Also, yeah, also, Rob can do that. Yeah, we all can do that.

We don't need you for that. Yeah, I could fake. I could fake an AI stinger if I need to do. And I don't. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, please. To be honest, actually, Eddie, I don't think I can. You don't think you don't know how to do it? I don't know any of it works. Actually, yeah, I've never tried it before. I don't know how people do it.

I never really went on it before. That's what's nice about getting to this age, where truly I could just choose not to. Yeah. It's like, I wouldn't do TikTok. What makes you think I'm going to do fucking chatGBT? I'm trying to make things. Why would I want the thing to make things? Yeah, it's a bit.

It's like, someone tried to do this to me recently. Trying to pitch me on this comedy AI thing. They sent me this long thing. It was like, I think it was someone with your talent could really use it. this and it would help you. No, that's an insult. Don't you understand I like doing the work? It's called the artistic process. Yes, it's enjoyable to me. I do

this because I like it. I'm not cheating. Yeah, it's not cheating. Yeah, I'm not going to also, yeah, why am I trying, what am I winning here? Yeah, what are you talking about? Yeah. What are you talking about? Fucking Cherkoffs. I say we get a new disease that wipes out 20% of us. Let's go to this next

one, Henry. I just say we just say we just get one more. The screw arm's getting close. The screw room's getting up here, so he's going to kill us. Screw worm's on the loose. Screw little screw worm. Oh, here we go. Well, that's what Brian Johnson could use. Screw worm to eat all of his guts out.

That's cool. I remember 15 years ago, this came from Eternal Instinct. There's a response that we talked last week about the lady faking her pregnancy. We talked about pathological liars. Okay. I had a co-worker. We'll call her Connie. Faked pregnancy during my own pregnancy.

God damn it, Connie. And her mom, Bonnie. Yeah, real names. Match just like that. It was either completely in it on it or she was too afraid of her daughter to contradict her. As Connie was very large, frightening, volatile woman in early 20s. She copied every detail of my pregnancy and went as far as throwing a real baby shower that some of our coworkers actually attended.

It was 2011. I was working in a family owned truck stop diner. And that is the best place to be pregnant and work. Yeah, I think you actually kind of have to be to get hired. That's what I would do. Yeah, and smoke. And I just told my coworkers that I was expecting. The very next day, I arrive for my shift, and I overhear Connie,

talking about her pregnancy at a table of customers. So I'm clucking, and my other coworker and Connie's mother, Bonnie, asks if I've heard the news. And happily tells me that Connie and I are prego buddies, and that Connie was having twins, and her due date was the same as mine. As I politely congratulated her, and I can see my other co-worker spine her shaking her heads and mouthing,

no, she's not. none of my other co-workers bought Connie's story whatsoever they'd all worked there for years Connie was a known pathological liar You're gonna fake a pregnancy Don't do it with twins Also I'd say if you're a manager of something

Fire a known Pathological liar Yeah just go ahead and do it Just fire him Even if it's stuff that's got nothing to do with work Fire them They're bad news Yeah or you know it's the best

If it's a cook thing and you don't want to pay the, what you call it, the, what's it, when you fire somebody, unemployment, yeah, but you don't want to pay them that. You don't normally do, normally with you fire somebody, you don't have to. Take them down to half a shift a week. Let them deal with that.

That's evil. I did that to a couple people. Especially they're completely, but they're really bad. Especially if they're mentally ill and you're trying to slowly fold them out. Well, that's, you know, that's idiot. Now, this wasn't the first fake pregnancy. Well, no, I'm saying if they're actually evilly mentally ill. I'm talking about evil mentally ill.

I'm talking about actually, not sick people. I'm talking about people that are dangerous. Oh, shire. Pathological liars are dangerous. They certainly are. This one went on the longest by far. The ad, she had already apparently did another first fake pregnancy, right? So for months, we'd all side-eyed each other when the topic of Connie's twins came up.

And especially when she wouldn't, she would blatantly do things pregnant women shouldn't do. Like pounding energy drinks all day, every day. I don't think I ever started to drink something that wasn't a monster, routinely starting fist fights in the truck stop parking lot. Connie's a pip Not to mention all of her sonogram pictures were clearly printed off the internet at home with any identifying details blacked out with a Sharpie. You're probably thinking

how far could this possibly go? Because surely as soon as Connie never started to grow a baby bump, the jig would be up. Yeah. However, Connie and Bonnie were both very large, retunned women. Connie herself was about six foot, 350, 350 pounds.

Even if she was pregnant, it would be hard to tell. Between the huge size difference between her and I and her ability to endlessly lie with a straight face, a co-conspirator mother who would say and do anything to keep her happy and her explosive anger, I certainly wasn't going to call her on her bullshit. Exactly. Yeah. This is the problem, guys. A few months later, when I...

As a fellow employee, it's not her job. It's not her job. It is her boss's job. Yeah. A few months later, when I found out I was having a girl, what do you know? Honey's twins or girls. When I complained about some pregnancy-related issues I was having, she began bragging about how easy this pregnancy was for her.

It was easy for her. Because it's fake. Yeah. Because even though she was only six months along, as was I, she was already dilating, and her doctor told her she was going to have an easy-peasy labor and delivery. That was another red flag. That's just because dilating that early would be something she'd be hospitalized

and or on a strict bed rest for, but also because she was planting seeds to explain how she bounced back. so quickly after the birth. Yeah. When I handed out invitations for my baby shower the very next day, Bonnie and Connie came in

with their own invitations for Connie's shower, and it was being held exactly one week before mine. This is when I thought the facade was going to end because, of course, they're not going to throw

an actual baby shower for a painfully obvious pretend pregnancy, right? And if they did, no one's going to go. But I learned that day that sometimes crazy has no limits.

And an actual baby shower actually happened. And some of our co-workers even attended, despite knowing that this was all a lie. I think we all just wanted to see how far the lie would go. Yeah.

No, I'd be a morbid curiosity. Oh, now it's too late. Now I'm into it, too. I want to see. If you're working at a truck stop and that's all you do, you know, this is entertainment. Oh, it's better than Marvel, right? Weirdly, I was the only coworker not invited. But I was more than happy to volunteer to work a double to cover them.

Because as an actually expected mother, I was not going to spend money on a present for Connie's make-believe twins. After Connie's baby shower, my family, friends, coworkers and I stopped being amused by this saga. And I'll agree this was now heading into a scary, maybe fetal abduction territory. Was it BYOB? I feel like that's important. If there was free beer, I could see why people showed up. Absolutely. Or if it was, I thought it was going to be bring your own baby.

And she did. That's what I would be meant. Yeah, because she did not. So how would, I don't even know. She can't even go against her own RSVB. It went to the point that all my manager took upon herself to move me to a later shift so Connie, Bonnie and I would never cross paths during the day. What a fucking pussy.

Fortunately, I didn't have to worry much longer because, just a few days after my baby shower, Connie's a no-show for several days. Eventually tells us that Connie quit because she miscarried the babies. And at this point, we were both on our final six weeks of pregnancy. It's not a miscarriage at that point.

It's a stillbirth. But since all of us working there knew that there was no twins to begin with, nobody corrected her. However, when regulars would ask Bonnie about Connie and the babies, Bonnie then pretended like she had no idea what they were talking about.

A few regularers. were so weirded out by Bonnie's blatant gas sliding that some refused to be waited on by Bonnie again. I'm wondering they've given her Connie gifts or money for the babies, and then they were lied to. Yes, you know they did. By the way, I don't know what happened after that because I left for maternity to leave shortly after this,

and then I quit for good weeks later. I was happy that I didn't end up with an amateur C-section at the hands of Bonnie and Connie. Honestly, I think that you are correct. I think you are right to think that. I really think we have to stop minimal. minimizing behaviors that speak to much worse stuff. Like, I get, I'm, I get problems with driving angry, right?

One of the reasons why I drive angry, and I talk about this in therapy and why I get angry when I drive, is because I have a distinct issue with, whatever I deal with, with OCD, I moralize many things. I view certain things make you a good person, certain things make you a bad person. And you love screaming the words, fuck you. It's my favorite. And so I, but there's a part of. me that knows it not moral lines, but there's certain things I look at that I can't help

but feeling that way. And one thing to me is that it shows to me somebody's character quite a bit when they're visibly on the phone while driving. There's something about that that makes me so livid. Like holding it against their face. And looking at it, looking down at it, not not paying attention to what they're doing. They're going to kill somebody. They're going to kill all of us, right? And there's a good thing about that that in my mind is indicative of a much larger, not just a tension span problem, but literally an empathy problem. Like a lack of understanding that we are surrounded by others doing the same thing that also need to traverse safely and quickly through society.

And that when I see somebody doing that, to me, it speaks to, you couldn't give a fuck if I live or die. That's how I feel about speeding. But it depends on, it's the life, the type of speeding, right? Yeah. I don't, I don't. Just because you're a good driver doesn't mean everyone else. But I also there's also something to drive me too slow.

I'm just saying altogether something like something like pathological lying is a symbol of very bad behavior. Yeah. And it is going to escalate. Always. It does not end there. Yeah. You're willing to lie about something I'm at. You're willing to do anything.

Absolutely. Because you will eventually do something to try to you're, you're heading towards an end point. So what do you think? Do you cut someone out or do you call them out? I say These days Cut him out Cut him out

Because like you don't need to fucking become their Police Somebody that is Been found to lie And has never once Apologized before it Or never kind of said This is what's really going on

Someone that doubles down Also somebody doesn't take no for an answer Yeah That's another big thing of mine Is that what I find That when someone does Did not take no for an answer It means that you don't care

About my will And that you don't care How I feel about a thing And I don't care whether it's about French fries or if it's about any like the most innocuous like or if it's something really serious. Yeah. The second you don't take no for an answer from me.

I'm not talking to you anymore. Yeah, I fucking hate salesman. Yep. But that's part of me just being like, I'm just done. Once I've said no, that gate is closed. Yeah. Because I'm not going to do that. So to me, it's one of those where you see stuff like this because it's interesting.

Because I find pathological liars fascinating. I never got it. I never understood pathological liars. There is nothing to get. There's nothing to get. It is a sign of psychopathy. It's so hard. No, it's because they don't want to do the real work of doing something because the real work.

Which is easier than keeping up all your goddamn lies. See, we say that because we work hard and we do hard work all the time. And we work on ourselves and we do things that are difficult. And there are some people that don't do a single hard thing ever. That chick is working as a waitress with her mother at a fucking truck stop. Diner. Ambition stopped there. Like, I don't need you to be a charge of a Fortune 500 company.

Yeah. But just the idea that, like, and you're going to have a simple life. I think it's all fine. It's all fine. It's just really about what you do with it. And it's like some of these people, like stuff like this, if I was a manager of that, you can find two waitresses and a fucking blink through a rock. You can hit them.

Yeah. Like in that place. It's like as soon as they start lying about stuff that's completely consequential and then doubling down on the lie. If they're lying and they work for you, they're going to end up stealing. They are. And then that's the basis. That's just the basis of the things they're going to do.

Yeah. That's the very bottom level. And then it just goes up from there. So they need to learn a less than the hard way. I think partially that's what it is too, is that some of these people have not been punished hard enough. Yeah. And there's, you know, they create a hostile work environment.

Yes. You know, as well. That disturbs business as well. Everything. You got to get out of them. It destroys everything. As soon as you have that kind of toxicity inside of your fucking organization, it just spreads like a cancer.

I think a little light lying's okay. You have to lie a little bit. A little light lying's fine. Maybe nice to me. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, if you're late, you know, you get a little white lie on while you're late. Yeah, of course.

Honestly, prefer you gave me the effort to lie into me. You know, at least you came up with a fucking excuse. I'm fine with it. But if you're creating an entire twin pregnancy. Then you're lying. That's up, but that's again. And you're taking cash from customers. You're literally in a full leg.

That's full sociopath. Yeah, that's fucked up. Yeah, you're a con person. Yeah, it's a little crimes. A cony person. Thank you. You're welcome. So go check out kizwee.com.

I think it's what is LPOTL.kiswee.com. LPOTL.kiswee. That's K-I-S-W-E. And that's going to be for on the 18th of July, we have a show in Oklahoma City. It is the last J-K. Ultra show, but we're going to stream it. So if you haven't gotten the chance to go out and see J-K. Ultra, it's been two and a half years. I'm sorry if we didn't come to your town.

It's also completely different from two and a half years ago. So if you saw it, Two years ago, the show is basically almost entirely different. You're right, it is. It's still got the general same outline, but like the jokes are completely different. That's for goddamn sure. But yeah, we've been having so much fun with this. But it is time to put this baby to bed.

It's time. We rode her out. We wrote her long and we wrote her heart. Yeah, and we made it. It's perfect now. Like a finally whole knife. There are still some tickets left for the last two shows. That's going to be on July 17th, Tulsa at Kane's Ballroom.

July 18th, Oklahoma City Tower Theater. but also when you do the live stream, you get it for two weeks. You do. So you can be watching it. You don't have to watch it in the moment. You can still rent it the day after and all that stuff. And so don't think you got to be there like it's a television show. Yeah, dude.

Come check it out. We're going to have a lot of fun, man. Also, the following day, I'm going to be in Plano, Texas on July 19th over at the mic drop there. It's going to be fun. You know who I got opening for me? Nemesh Patel. Ooh, that little up-and-comer. The other one.

There's a second one. Whoa! Yeah, yeah, local Dallas comedian. funny. I was like, I'll help the other knee mesh out. Honestly, I think our knee mesh is going to be angry. He's losing fucking work. Oh, I can't.

Well, I used to open for him. So now this one could come open for me. And I think that works out just fine. I'm real happy about it. Yeah, but he goes by Just Nemesh on the old Instagram. So go follow him there. That's cool. But also, this weekend, all right?

I got fucking big ass shows this weekend. You do. First off, July 10th, salute to Bethlehem. This is like, I've never done anything like this. I have a two-hour epic show with people from Bethlehem about Bethlehem. I don't know why I'm doing this. Yeah, this is insane, dude. I've hired writers.

I have like, it's like, it's a whole thing. So please, if you are in the Bethlehem area, you're not going to want to miss this. This is going to be Friday. All right, that's July 10th Friday. A salute to Bethlehem at the Arts Quest. Steel Stacks. It's a really cool venue. They got food.

I'm going to be there with merch. Don't worry about that shit. And then that Sunday night, I'm going to be in Newark at the Newark Culture Club, but that actually might be sold out already. And if you can't get tickets to that, come see me in New York City at the City Winery, co-headlining with Kirsten, Michelle Sills. It's going to be a fucking blast. That's going to be at the City Winery in New York on Monday, July 13th.

And then go to Eddie Tunes.com. I'm coming on all kinds of cities. I'm booking more shit. These shows are starting to sell out. I already sold out one of my Chicago shows. So come and see the other one. that's going to be on July 31st. Henry and I got a sold-out show here in L.A.

And then we got another one back up after that with the Disney show. That's some dead man tells some tales. That's going to be a dynasty typewriter during D-23 weekend. And that's going to be on August 16th. So come get wet with that shit. Go to editunes.com. See if I'm coming to your goddamn town. So live every day knowing that if you just open your throat wide enough,

you could be a hot dog champion. God, he's got a golden throat. And you just got to love how. thick and maintain that throat needs to be, so you're going to widen it every day with, with, with, with, with, swallowing soda cans. Oh, that's why he's choking people out because he wants to make their throat smaller, so he wins forever. And then you can laugh.

No one of a fact, you're crushing throats everywhere. Nobody ever going to fucking get that record named nobody. Give me that, that, that, that, that, that, that nut. Give me that, give me that, give me that. Eating at Nathan's is the place to me. You don't, you don't, you're only doing it. Always chewing is the life for me. Uh-uh.

Spread your lips open. far and wide. Oh, fuck that shit. Just let me put a dog inside. Good. You see, I like the second version of it better. Yes. Damn it.

Hail nut. Hell the fucking big old nut.