Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Listenerpasta VI - The Shape of Water, Barley, and Hops

Episode Date: October 25, 2018

It's time for our annual Listenerpasta episode! Join us as we hear more stories of the macabre, submitted by YOU: tiny ghoulish men, bloodthirsty creatures, and all the Bud Light Lime you can STOMACH.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. On the left. Rise above your glids. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? The haunting of Hill House. Have you been watching this?

I'm on episode three now. I'm on episode four. I fucking love it. Yeah. This is the thing. Not so bad. So sad. Very sad. It is sad. But so sad.

I've never seen you break before. This is what's going to break your soul? No. It's the opposite. It's mostly to be like, quit with the wine or with the bent neck lady. I want her to have a fucking chainsaw or something. I know that everyone's excited

that it's exploring vulnerability, but then maybe it attacks me in a way that makes me feel vulnerable, which then means that it's effective. But at the same time, it's like, hey, I want to see some chainsaws, please. Can I just put it in a comment section? Can I give it a yelp?

I would say, I would say perhaps you should grow your heart a little bit like the Grinch, but I think you already have an enlarged heart. So don't do that. You will die. You're funny. Thank you.

This inside story is everyone. I am Ben Kissel. Henry Zabrowski somehow being said. Did you see the new Halloween, Henry? I have not seen it yet. Marcus, have you? We're watching it tonight. Okay.

Well, we have to talk about the new Halloween when everybody sees it. And everyone who is listening has to see it because I don't want to have to hold it all in. Okay. All right. Fantastic film. Marcus Parks is also joining us today.

And we have an exciting episode. It's all predicated upon you, the fan, your tales, your creepy spaghetti. That's what we're going to be reading today. Immacaba matacati. We're doing this again on Side Stories because it's fun because now we have Side Stories. It's like a sidecar filled with meat and beer.

And we're just juggling along the side of the big train in its last podcast and left. Can you feel our bodies just fucking slapping up and down as we're just rolling above the tracks? Right. Can you get drunk? Can you get drunk in a sidecar or are you getting drunk in a car as a passenger?

Shit, man. I mean, technically, it's a sidecar. It's not a seat. You're not a passenger in a passenger seat. You're in a whole different mode of transportation. I bet it's an interesting line. You might take that all the way up to the Supreme Court, buddy. And he will.

He will stand outside of the Supreme Court building yet asking loudly if it is OK that it is legal for him to drink in a sidecar. Well, Henry, now that you have a mustache, you have to get a motorcycle by law, get one with a sidecar. I will cram my body into it, and I will have a couple of BLs and see if we get pulled over.

Yeah, buddy. Hey, you know what? I got a married man mustache. I'm confident. I'm feeling sexy. I'm showing my chin. I'm showing how my face melts completely into my neck because I'm brave.

But I'm doing it for you, and I'm doing it for the Halloween season. It's a part of it. It's a part of my costume, my Halloween costume that you'll see eventually. And I'm also trying to look. I'm trying this. And when I do get a motorcycle,

it's going to be one of those little ones like the bears in Russia drive around in the circus. Like the real tiny ones with my knees up. You look like a tiny version of the red-headed guy from Walking Dead. Interesting. Thank you. Is that a thank you?

Which one? You mean it? He said Norbit. Norbit? Norbit. Norbit, you're doing it. I like it. You're doing it.

All right. Well, let's. You must start here. We're doing it. We're back in the listener pasta. What we, instead of having you speak, we're having your word speak for you and we are going to present some of these.

These are some O.C. pastas yoyoyoy with in a non-grabby Mario Batali way. these are so delectable and I want you to get into a zone for this because it's back to being spooky you know the last couple weeks we do in West Memphis 3 we were talking about drunk birds last week but we wanted on side stories this been a lot of heaviness but it's like now it's kind of a different type of heaviness all right if I can just imagine you are walking through a haunted home right let's say you're watching your go your Hill House right you walk

into the lobby you hear oh my god sounds of many bats right you here come here crazy I don't know what your name is come here Michael and you go into this back room the hallways getting longer and longer you don't know why you open the French doors to a room filled pitch black you can't hear but you hear come here my you're like okay I'm not Michael I thought your name was Gracie or Gracie come here Gracie you go in you see this woman facing the corner with a bush gone and you don't know what she's you know all you see is her back turn to you and she's like come here Michael or Gracie and as you get closer she turns

around and you're like no no I thought you died years ago and she's like yes I'm in hell and she's you're like whoa what the fuck what did you do in your life that you're in hell and she's like have these and now from underneath her fucking skirt right between her legs it's been warming up eyes pulling out it's a big ol' bong and you're like what the fuck is a shit a spooky no I take it all the way from the rocks of fucking hell you bitch you're like whoa Nanu why you like this right pick up that fucking bong you're smoking ghost weed nice is this what you search on porn huh that's a long search

yeah Nanu's ghost weed and then I jerk off to the first video that comes up on X videos all right oh well so that was our first spooky spaghetti Nanu's ghost weed hey yeah that's me though I wrote that shit right I mean you'd see in the process I think his mustache wrote it to be fair all right well who wants to start here we got a bunch of scary tales who wants to begin I will be doing it you do okay this story is coming in from a fella his name is or it could be a gal this name can go either way oh oh Alex Byron so thank you so much for submitting Alex really excited to read this story it's called Big Fred so Fred

is a little bit larger I chose you guess all thank you yes I know and there's a there's an undercurrent of disdain that you have no but that is fine no big deal big Fred Mark looked after now I'm starting the story started okay big Fred big Fred I got it how big you know my how big are you does he play basketball you could also just call me Fred I have a lot of feelings I'm a real person big friends talking very cool all right Mark looked after Mark looked after elderly people and the disabled so Mark is a good guy who worked for an agency that sent him all over the city one client he would always hear stories about was

this fella named big Fred big Fred this next sentence really kind of goes you don't I you don't even really need this sentence it's kind of inferred in the term big Fred big Fred was a large man with the mind of a child kind of like blaster for master blast he had a rich family that paid the agency well Mark had never met anyone who had looked after him so he assumed only very special workers were chosen okay see one day Mark got into a petty argument with his boss the next day he was worried he might get fired so he was surprised when he got offered big Fred big Fred oh everything's going great it's easy his

boss told him it's an overnight shift just make sure he eats at 3 a.m. totally normal time to eat for big Fred Mark arrived at the mansion and checked on Fred who was lying in bed Mark watched TV until 3 a.m. and went into the bedroom to ask Fred what he wanted to eat come closer Fred said come closer Fred said no he's got a time okay okay yeah you know you know this was a commercial edition I could see the casting director we would be like stop or they're separate we love what we're doing we feel like maybe you could go for a different choice come closer we'll get this one we'll get we'll get this one

and once we get this one we can try other options come closer Fred whispered in the darkness Mark leaned in and suddenly he felt sharp teeth sink into his arm he screamed but Fred only pulled him closer Fred ate him oh oh so Mark was the meal yeah what an idiot and he was fired and he was fired I love that story thank you Alex this is you know it's not easy working taking care of the elderly nor the disabled so my hats off to those in that service industry they are heroes on a daily basis and we should honor them more absolutely I just thought you'd connect a big Fred thank you I know I yeah oh is

that what it was Henry was it because the character was big and likes to eat at three o'clock in the morning yeah okay I got one for you did this one's like let's do a true story yeah yeah this one's called vampire attack oh although I'm not sure that we should say this person's name because he said that his wife does not know the full extent of this story and she might be listening as well so I don't want I don't want to but you know put this guy on notice I want to blast him okay I like it all right this is a true story that happened to my now wife and I we were staying at a small bed and breakfast in southern Vermont for

Valentine's Day we went out to dinner at a nice restaurant came back to the room and settled in for the night deep into the night I had a very unusual dream I can count on one hand the number of wet dreams I've had in my life and most of them have been about strangers both that involve people I know have been very unsettling experiences cool in this dream I was laying on a bed in a cheap hotel and my wife was sitting across my legs sort of cowgirl style but we weren't actually having sex she was just kind of teasing me okay although it looked like her it looked like a although it looked like her it looked

like a goth version of her she was wearing a full fishnet body stocking black lipstick and had a bunch of ear and facial piercings cool after after teasing me for a bit she got angry and stormed out of the room I followed her out onto the street and watched her walk away into the distance at that point I woke up with the painfully hard erection I often wake up with morning wood yep but this was seriously the hardest I'd ever been I was laying there debating whether to sneak off to the bathroom to take care of it what what does that mean when they go big dump slam it with a toilet lid a couple times

so it goes away I was debating on whether to take care of it but my wife sat bolt upright gasping for breath after I calmed her down she told me she had a nightmare that a girl with black hair was crouching over her and strangling her this sent a chill down my spine I turned a light and the TV on and talked to her until she calmed down and fell asleep the reason I felt a chill is that I'm very interested in the supernatural and what had just happened to us strongly reminded me of some of the stories I've read about early American vampires much like witches early New Englanders very much believed in vampires but not the

Anne Rice type of vampire hmm they believed that a vampire was the restless spirit of a dead person who stole life from the living slowly sickening them and eventually killing them the vampire would come into your room while you slept and crouch on your chest making it hard for you to breathe the more this happened the sicker you would get until the vampire finally killed you and moved on to another victim the house we were staying in was constructed in the 1770s firmly in the time that vampire stories were spreading around New England and the next morning the owner admitted when another guest questioned her that the

building was haunted oh although she didn't describe any vampire attacks I was worried about the spirit following his home so I made very certain to not leave anything in the rooms that belong to us just cut him driving in a zigzag pattern you would never catch me bad my wife is already very afraid of ghosts so I've never told her the full story of what happened that night you know lies are never good for a relation no no no no lies build resentment yes next time I'm looking into a romantic getaway I'll be looking a little deeper than the Yelp review and that's why we've gone to sandals for the past 10 years a ghost

cannot arrive in a place where you're literally not allowed to wear shoelaces but you have full Victorian wear at some point I love that story because I get it yeah absolutely what do you what what part of it do you get the most is it the waking up with a you know what well yeah that's I do feel like it's a part of when like Natalie's out of town just me and Wendy in the bed is that now she no longer cuddles on me she sleeps at the end of the bed if Wendy could talk okay I'm not trying to do anything oh okay so I have this I'm gonna go a little bit more intense with this one this is written by Jared Rand it is called

behind closed doors ooh day three thousand six hundred and fifty today marks the tenth year of me locking myself down in this bunker hooray I sit down on the couch in the living room with a bowl of stale cereal I've been saving for this anniversary I ran out of dehydrated milk years ago so I have to deal with eating it dry but after ages of eating vitamins meal supplements and whatever produce I can manage to grow this is a welcome treat I flick on the TV and switch it over from my computer screen to the satellite dish normally nothing shows up but sometimes there'll be a rogue signal of an episode of cheers I don't

have downloaded today however was different I mean cheers is a great thing to watch in a bunker because it never fails to bring a smile to the face well speaking of crying while watching though I mean that the end of cheers is heartbreaking it is you know really defeats it if you just have six or seven beers well during then you just smile and you remember your memories yep then you go from that you go from Ted dancing to norm by the end of it today however was different every channel was broadcasting the same exact video of a mushy old man standing on a stage in front of a murmuring crowd today's days

folks after ten long years we finally get to reveal the winner of the worldwide hide-and-go-seek competition the man says arms pumping in the air voice echoing through the loudspeakers the crowd erupts into cheers and applause I laugh at the ridiculousness of all this a hide-and-seek competition I don't remember any competition like that way back in 2018 who will be the winner of the hundred million dollar grand prize ladies and gentlemen I hope you're ready when the clock strikes noon the curtain will fall and reveal the victor counter down with me folks 30 29 28 30 30 30 30 it's a lot of build a giant screen above a

huge curtain mounted down counted on the seconds 18 17 16 the crowd continued something my gut told me this wasn't right how is it possible I didn't hear about this 10 9 8 I put my bowl on the table and focus on the screen the announcer looks so familiar I swear I know him but from where six five four my chest started knotting up I stood up and walk closer to the TV I had an itching feeling I knew who was under that curtain three two one the curtain disconnected from the top and tumble down revealing a giant photo of myself from ten years ago spark streamers and balloons shot up from above the crowd

congratulations may have it you have won the grand prize of one hundred million dollars the man said all right god damn it fuck I screamed it ticked over the table into the wall all you have to do to claim your winnings is to come out of hiding me there will be a huge party in your honor the announcer shouted over the sound of the crowds up or I can't believe I thought that this was a genuine broadcast it's really that simple baby girl just open the bunker door and step out into this nice bright sunshine I realize where I know him from it's been so long since I've actually seen his face that I almost couldn't recognize him

it's my father open the door may see the sunlight his voice now cold and commanding the crowd silent I stare at the TV fists clenched a fire raging inside of my chest after all these years I've blocked them out of my mind I try to forget what happened ten years ago to ignore that constant screaming just outside the bunker to ignore the slamming and knocking on the heavy steel door to ignore how my friends and family are paraded around like puppets to manipulate me into going outside how every person outside this bunker isn't even human they're not people anymore not even close may open the fucking door

open the fucking door dad shouts as loud as he can his voice cracking in his face turning red from the strain spittle flies out of his mouth with every word he shouts over the sounds of the crowd screaming the same I cover my ears I can't listen to this open the fucking door open the fucking door open the fucking I punched the TV as hard as I can the screen tumbles to the ground and goes black but that awful noise still pours out of it I punch and I punch and I punch until my knuckles are dripping with blood the bunker is quiet but outside I can still hear the screams commanding me to open the door tears

well up in my eyes I curl up on the floor and sob into my blood-stained carpet I can't go outside I would change too I need to keep that door locked to keep the sunlight out that's what happens when your dad is Richard Dawson always having a game show going on I was having a game show look at that all right spooky tail indeed so it's kind of creatures outside reminds me of a quiet place yeah that was a great great horror very good very quiet John Krasinski definitely did not completely dough-faced fucking up like he did all the stupid all this horrible the Patriot television yeah but you're just

very jealous he was a very successful actor the office is fine it's fun it's fine well he actually directed a quiet place yes I believe you wrote it as well he did very very they were having a baby why were they having a baby that whole time I got a cushion side yeah I don't think so sometimes it just feels too good too good all right well let's not get too crazy all right here we are now this story it comes in from Sonya Garcia thank you so much for submitting your tale it is a it's it's called the when to go short story the when to go I think that's a creature it's a it is a native American creature of folklore I'm not

exactly sure what he does but I do believe he follows people in the forest and he consumes that I love it eats people I think the when to go in folklore I think he was a cannibalism cautionary tale like where they did like if you eat people you become the when to go and also the when to go was the first person that Wolverine ever fought no way back an incredible Hulk 181 no kid no kid look at that it's the when to go has it ever been an RV has there ever been an RV named it's we got the wind to win a bag because it's a bad it's a bad thing you can't name something that's bad you can't name it like you can't name a

ship like the SS Ted Bundy because who's gonna get on it yeah or like the four Chupacabra doesn't work absolutely all right so this is called again by Sonya thank you so much when to go short story here is that tail I continue to tread uphill so she's walking up a hill here the trail is disguised by snow of a harsh winter so I make my own way very Fleetwood Mac of you I have not eaten in days that is horrible I am the last of the survivors I hear a song in the wind it calls to me is so I follow there isn't maybe that is Fleetwood Mac Stevie Nix yes I will follow you ever you want to hear her scarves slapping

against the walls there isn't there is an ancient curse in these woods a folklore a fever when you when you eat that which is forbidden you become an evil in entity of these woods only folklore the song grows louder only when the wind blows and soon as and soon I see a figure off in the distance sitting in an ocean of cold I see him but he but he does not see me with the wind howling like a banshee my being fills with the hope of being saved before if I before I know it I'm upon the figure a man I'm Stevie Nix sometimes they call me man they never call Stevie Nix she's got a woman here she's

gorgeous okay so this dude or perhaps a man he is hunched over naked Henry Zabrowski from last podcast on the left though I'm having fun he is hunched over naked how can this be looking closer I inspect his gray almost translucent skin barely fitting over his bones Henry Zabrowski so he's they inspect so she inspects the gray almost translucent skin barely fitting over the bones he looks up exposing his stag like face I am frozen in fear all of my fight has drained for me long ago as he grows in size I sink to my knees he stands before me towering staring with two deep holes

where eyes should be he knows that I have eaten that is which forbidden I give in I chose this fate there is an ancient curse in these woods a folklore a fever and that is he the Wendigo all right so she ate the fruit and now the Wendigo is gonna eat her I guess that's like a turducken for the Wendigo food inside of food I like that I want to read more true stories of the Wendigo remember we did cry monsters of Native American history did we do that already I think yeah I think Wendigo was a part of that I'm pretty sure it was yeah that's good Wendigo's a Canadian monster oh yeah oh so the Wendigo shows up you like

I see what you're doing there but you're doing it wrong this is how you want to do it I can see you're over there you're trying to eat a person yet it's fine if you want to do it like that if you want to eat a person like that it's fine but you know there's a better way to do it I do it but first of all I gotta go to my cabin in my cottage I gotta be up there for five or six days a week and then I can come back for that one day a week and teach you how to eat them better I will say I don't like the idea of a Canadian cryptid because I don't like a cryptid that apologizes I just assumed the Wendigo especially when they don't

apologize to me when you're eating me just eat me don't it because I know you're not sorry cuz you're not really sorry you're not sorry never sorry all right that ladies and gentlemen is a little insight into our hidden resentment of one bartender yes one bartender in Canada and that weird cab driver who just ate cherries pits and all for 30 minutes still ways not want not I saw another dude this is another thing I'm this is not this is not slam Canada segment but it was a man in a maple leaf shirt at Disney World I swear to God was did that thing where he was fully washing his face at his bathroom in at

the bathroom in Disney World the big public about this wash in his face he takes off his shirt he washes his chest so this is not a grey-owned bus station his world then he proceeds to spit into his own hands and look at it like it going just and daising into it like his eyeballs have little fucking microscopes in them so that he could see like a jeweler's glass on and then wash his hands and went back to the fucking gen pop in the middle of Disney World maybe he was looking for blood or yikes this and that I got up next it is from Tanner Paulson it's called thin arm very nice the night it started I woke

up in a panic I heard a single knock on my bedroom door I live alone I called out but got no response I sat up all night watching the door but another knock never came the second night I locked my door before I went to bed and somehow I was able to fall asleep again I was awoken by a single knock I sat up and looked at the door eyes wide as I watched too terrified to say anything the lock turned followed by the doorknob the door creaked open a few inches and I saw a hand rise over the top of my door it had eight spindly fingers with long grey nails it waved at me for almost five minutes it stopped suddenly before it

slithered its way up and over the door into my room now coming over the top of my door was a long thin pale arm it reached all the way down to the floor after hanging there for a few minutes it lifted up and waved at me again it then pointed at me then at the doorknob back at me the doorknob me the doorknob the thin arms eight-fingered spider-like hand lay flat with its palm up it curled its fingers repeatedly into its palm it was beckoning me I couldn't move couldn't speak I could hardly breathe then it held its arm up as of checking watch it waved me again and slithered back up and over the top of my door the door closed

and locked behind it for the third night I installed a bolt lock this thing whatever ghastly creature was attached to that thin arm could somehow unlock my door I hoped it couldn't do the same to the bolt unfortunately it could oh after hearing the knock I had never fallen asleep the bolt unlatched itself just after that the door unlocked and creaked open a few inches the arms slithered its way in and waved to me before pointing from me to the knob it beckoned me to the door once again before falling in my floor for three hours it drummed its fingers on the wooden floor I was too terrified to do anything at all except

stare I occasionally looked at the clock wishing that the morning would come the arm eventually slithered its way out of my room the door closed and locked and so did the bolt I slept for a couple of hours before my alarm went off I knew I had to do something I had to deal with whatever this thing was on the fourth night I didn't lock the door I waited in front of it pistol in hand as soon as I heard the knock I flung the door open in front of me was nothing but an empty dark hallway there was nothing there at all was it done with me had I held out for long enough had it moved on to torture somebody else no I laid back

down in the bed and almost drifted off to sleep when I heard and felt a knock from beneath my bed I opened my eyes but didn't move I saw the arm lifting in the air above me coming from under my bed it waved just like it always did it padded me lightly on the head yes yes good sleeping boy yes I wanted to scream but I couldn't I wanted to get up and run away but I couldn't the arm wrapped around me I was suddenly overcome with exhaustion I fell asleep until my alarm went off as I opened my eyes the arm lifted up waved to me and went back under my bed I got up and jumped as far off my bed as I could and I ran into the

hall I got in the shower and noticed scratches all over my stomach and chest they weren't deep enough to draw blood but they stung when the hot water hit them luckily I had clothes in the dryer and didn't have to go back to my room I got ready for work and walked out to my car I heard a knock just as I was getting into it it was coming from my bedroom window which was right above my driveway the eight-fingered hand was there waving I never went back to my house that night I rented a hotel room anxious to get a good night's rest I slept well that night however when I woke up and walked into the bathroom I

saw deep scratches on my chest they weren't random scratches like from the night before there were words jaggedly carved into me I looked out at the bed and noticed that the blankets and sheets were covered in dried blood I looked back into the mirror and reread what it said you let me in you can't leave me I can't leave you no matter where I sleep on the couch in my car even in my office the arm is there after a few days of trying out new places to sleep I awoke to find a new message carved into me sleep in your bed or I will make it so you never wake now I lie awake every night until I hear the knock

from under my bed the arm waves and then wraps around me I fall asleep right after it goes back under my bed in the morning I always notice fresh scratches on my chest and stomach as I shower often they're on my legs and arms too just the other night I saw teeth marks on my shoulder whatever is under my bed more than just its arm is coming out when I sleep I warn you if you hear a single knock on your bedroom door don't open it when the arm slithers its way over the top of your door try your best to ignore it put your pillow over your head hide under the covers and wait for it to go I'm not sure if it'll leave you

for good but it's better to leave it at your door above all hope and pray that the thin arm with its eight-fingered hand doesn't knock at all yeah honestly though I gotta say it's kind of Adams family you can have your own little thing there but they've got an arm well I know it's an arm thing it maybe it's maybe thing as a baby maybe that's a thing's father maybe it is I mean a finger blasted a just a floating pussy I have no idea how arm intercourse works but I would say it's kind of nice you go to bed with the Cobra clutch every night it seems like all you I mean other than the scratches I would say

can you not scratch me so much please don't scratch don't stop scratch stop scratching messages leave a pen and paper next to the table maybe I use a pen and paper hey I know that you're disembodied arm from some hell dimension but let's get a tablet so this is scary only because it there's there's a there's a scariness to this true story that something about it I don't know what it is it's kind of got an uncanny valley feeling to it feeling to it it's my Allison Kenan Frink the man in the corner when I was a kid I would go to my parents room at night to sleep in their bed this drove them crazy of course but

I insisted my mom would always asking why I wanted to sleep with them and my answer was always the same I had a bad dream this was a lie I didn't have bad dreams I had bad wake-ups I would wake up in the middle of the night and be afraid to open my eyes because I knew what I would see I knew he would be sitting there in the corner of my room on top of my desk when I finally got up to courage to glance over I was always terrified I was always also right you was short about four four and a half feet tall he had a thin pointy beard and wore a wide brim hat with the feather in it he never said anything and never

moved it just sat there looking at me in smiling like some sort of creepy little leprechaun the worst part was that I got no relief he followed me to my grandparents house and even to a friend slumber party my grandmother's he would just sit on their hamper next to the door I would close my eyes and run out of the room crying terrified that he would grab me at the party I was so afraid that I pulled my sleeping bag up over my head and I peed myself then one day after years of torment it just stopped this time went on it convinced myself that had maybe I'd been dreaming all those times and this was just silly

schoolgirl fears and then one summer I was home from college my mom and I were up late talking and somehow got into the topic of scary shit my mom says yeah when I was a kid I was always afraid that Rumpel still skin was gonna get me I used to think he was sitting in my room watching me sleep I apparently turned pale cuz my mom started to freak out asking me what was wrong so I told her I told her what the years of my torment by my leprechaun I told her about that hat his beard his creepy little grin my mother started crying she had no idea she too had convinced herself that it had all been a dream we sat there crying

and hugging each other asking questions we couldn't answer like why had this happened to us and why were we the only ones and last night I woke up it was my daughter crying again she said that she had a bad dream rumpel still skin is back rumpel still skin in the house what that now rumpel still skin what was his whole thing he would he would do something rumpel still skin is he wanted the the gold gold right yeah to spin the hair from the gold and then he would get the daughter he was horny and he was horny he we had the same fucking me and rumpel still skin had the same goals we want money and

we wanted a hot wife that was I don't know what's that I don't know if that was rumpel still skins go many fucking eyes of the prize man he knew exactly what he did he do like spider webs did he do like he's like the goal is gold and then he just spider webbed out and figured out how to get it who's that like the color what color is your parachute is that you read that we've gone over this this is from when we did the iceman episodes I read that business book called what color is your parachute and mine is still dookie brown that's very good okay this one comes in from a fella his name is Kyle Peters and I really like

this but this is a scary one all right and the next one I want to read is gonna be a little bit more light-hearted okay okay but this one's truly scary also just think about this you was thinking about the leprechaun one imagine a little man just showed up in your room like how terrible like we joke about it being seeing a leprechaun but if you actually saw a leprechaun in your room you'd have to go to a mental institution I don't know man because again I just feel like you can be friends with it don't take its gold no leprechauns are notoriously greedy yes but I don't know if you don't mess with

it like for example the leprechaun if no one ever messed with it it would just be a little buddy are they greedy or are they thrifty I see haha interesting interesting is it about money management or is it about wanting every piece of gold that you can get your hands on well no they don't want any more my understanding of leprechaun solely from the leprechaun series is he just wants his 100 pieces of gold yeah no more no less that's right just don't mess with it so in that way I would say thrifty not greedy all right okay all right this one comes in from a fellow his name is Kyle Peters and it begins daddy daddy now

there's exclamation marks there so you do it so good you got you've been reading the other side that creepy possible the side you're getting you're getting to be a tight reader you really sell it scare these people daddy daddy I groan looking at the clock I see it's 2 45 a.m. what could my daughter possibly want at this time of night I roll out of bed body aching I worked 12 hours today now I've got to know that's not fair it's been two years since her mother left I work all day then I'm then I'm groaning when she wants to see me tied up my robe I make my way down the hall so the mother is gone it's been

two years but I'm working 12 hours a day here okay so this is the story what we're doing is this is protracting 20 years into your future it's very difficult to work 12 hours a day and then you get woken up by a daddy daddy okay we got it so I walk into a room what is it honey I asked quietly walking through her bedroom door I can't help but smile my little girl with a scared frown motioning for me to come closer I take the steps towards her bed thinking maybe I'll take a long weekend and we'll go on a trip there's a there's a monster in my closet daddy she whispers hello boys I give her a sympathetic

nod since her mother left she's been acting out I shake my head mostly at myself as I realize her fear of the real world has spilled over into her nightmares there's no monster baby monsters aren't real the idea of monsters is actually what's scary let me show you I walk over to her closet door which is a jar as I push it open my skin starts jumping my breath tightens in my lungs there in my daughter's closet looking much more frightened is my daughter daddy there's a scary girl in my bed then I hear two feet touch the floor behind me I tell you what if daddy goes back to bed and he is scared by a little girl just

sitting in that bed I would be doubly scared both legally and that's a double that's a double scare so which one is the ghost which one is not the ghost the one in the closet for the one in the bed who knows gonna have to kill both kill both you actually have to kill one but you better get it right otherwise it's a homicide one makes you a hero and the other one makes you a murderer yeah so you got to kill the go to make you a murder both make you a murderer get a lot of ghosts kissle whatever it is that goes so you can tell her that ghost has the story you that goes showed up now you're just that one more chapter in

this ghost life you murder it all you're innocent just because you're murdering a ghost you can't murder a ghost the same way you can't make a fish wet they're already dead huh what it's already wet interesting you can't murder I it's not possible to murder a ghost so you need to tell me you want to be the Warrens defense attorney and ghost court all right this one it's from a guy named Hans Schrader it's called the exergism this is old finally a little bit of a preface with was so great about these submissions that we got we got like over 500 story submissions and it's incredible and

Castle and I went through these stories pretty much one by one we were talking about we felt like teachers during an exam time where it was like are we are we teaching like the most macabre eighth grade class like all of the submissions but it was really thank you all so much for submitting you guys you fucking you guys did great if from what the stories you've already heard there's a lot of the ones that are really creepy but this one nailed a type of four-chan energy that we really missed I love it so much the priest is fiddling with a stupid dick when the phone went off and the priest said hello please we need you here

please hurry said the phone and the priest said okay so then the priest put down his floppy beanhole and stopped thinking about young boys for once his miserable fucking life the priest went to the old folks home and the nurse said oh thank god and the priest said where is the sorry fuck stick nurse said it's old man Jenkins priest and he needs your help show me him said the fucking priest and so he went and met old shit Jenkins and there he was possessed by a demon just like how the priest is possessed by it's whore with horny secrets so be fucking dork said the little old boy Jenkins but it wasn't

really Jenkins it was the demon and the demon fucking men it the scared little priest held up his Bible and the demon inside titty balls Jenkins was like show me what he got and the priest was like the power press can big power cross compels you wherever the fuck that means it was fucking embarrassing so when the priest said help me God but God couldn't hear him cuz God found his old N64 in a box in the garage it was busy losing a race and Mario cart the priest thought he'd be a badass and pulled out some holy water so then the demon laughed and pulled out his cock it was like success cock and the priest was afraid of it

because it was old and lumpy and he was only used to fresh boy bubble gum cocks the priest started choking on the demons horny flopper and the demon loved it so much he shot exegism everywhere fucking bailed out a milk bag Jenkins body the priest got covered in chunky green cum and the cold sperm shot out his nose and his ears and he swallowed so much that the demon was now in him and he yelled oh fuck and then the nurse came behind him and slid his fucking throat just like they planned and he bled out like a pig on their wedding night and then the pedophile went to burn in hell for all

the boys he ruined and the demon came with them and the demon and Satan did their awesome secret handshake to celebrate a job well done hell yeah yeah I was just on Dana Perino show on Fox News I don't know if that's an appropriate story for someone like me it is really good very powerful very powerful thank you Hans Schrader very good work very good Hans Hans Schrader so I mean really this is a tale though of of proper justice being done a proper justice yeah yeah it's sort of like the movie sleepers yeah it's a lot like sleepers it's also a just suckin dicks yeah there was that aspect a lot of dig

suckin a lot of dick so a author named Rachel Greenhoe sent us some creepy bosses that she had written and submitted to reddit and these are all super super short and great so I want to just hit three real quick we got ourselves a triple shot yeah yeah yeah triple shot five years ago my sister vanished there was a month-long manhunt the FBI got involved dogs helicopters everything they could do I'd let them to all the places we had played they never found a body this morning a young woman appeared on my doorstep she claims to be my sister same crooked smile same blonde hair same scar on her wrist from

falling off the monkey bars my parents are convinced but I'm not I cut her up before I buried her a day at the lake what about sharks mama sharks only live in saltwater what about alligators mama this is a man-made lake there are no monsters in there now go swim mommy will watch he was near the center of the lake idly floating in his inner tube when he felt the tug a gentle tug at first then a terrible pressure pulling him down silt and water filling as long as he tried to call for his mama she heard but there wasn't anything she could do she can only watch the foundations of the lake give away into a huge mouth like

sinkhole the kid is dead and this is grandma after my grandma died I used to pray to God to bring her back now is the masses of grotesque decaying pinkish gray bodies break through my final barricade I see one of them is wearing her blue and yellow dress grandma comes back if I asked God to bring my grandmother back just one time he would happily do so imagine what she's doing to that poor bastard get her out of here all right very great I love those really short ones I love a certain art to making it super sure especially with the flips in them they do really good job it's very oh Henry like what is that oh Henry the

candy boy master of the surprise ending to the short story the oh Henry award is given to the most surprising short story each year why is it called the oh Henry author his name is oh his name is ornthal Henry but that name is not popular anymore or and thought that's a guy like or and thought it sounds like a toothache okay that's OJ's name it is or just name see ornthal James Center oh Henry's first name is not ornthal what is it oh my gosh it's not oh my gosh it's not a name it's a pen name his name isn't actually oh Henry his real name is William Sidney Porter William Sidney Porter sounds like a writer's name yeah but you

need a pen name now he sounds like a candy bar he's the only person there were different rules yeah but William Sidney Porter that's an author oh Henry is the person that you kind of already was slowly as they eat the bacon I really can't even say he's not author because oh Henry is the author no one knows who William Porter is weird choice do you think OJ would have killed them all those people if he if he went by ornthal if you went by ornthal I think he tried going by ornthal for a little bit but people wouldn't let him really ah okay not good we should have let him do that maybe he would have been last year wearing an

ass scots maybe things would have worked out bad yeah maybe knows maybe he'd be in the Senate okay this is from a fella named Austin counts and we will be in Austin Texas coming up here in the very near future yeah good luck awesome good plug Austin counts okay as a I laid in my bed staring at the ceiling I rolled over to look at the clock 3 a.m. God why can't I get to sleep I stare past my crack my cracked open door out into the dark hallway suddenly I hear the front door open shut then lock I hear the jingle of my dog's collar as he as she quickly gets up and starts barking I lay under my covers frightened

it's 3 a.m. mom and dad are fast asleep who could that be I quickly hear my dog sparking muffled and hear a limp body hit the floor I hear my parents door creak open my parents awake and once they realize something's wrong begin to scream they too are cut short by two loud gunshots I again hear two limp lifeless bodies hit the floor I'm shaking and crying gripping my blankets over my head try not to breathe I slowly hear heavy footsteps making its way out of my parents door down the hallway near my room I slowly hear my door begin to creak open then my dick fell off

that was the that was the biggest surprise ending to the history of creepy pasta that's the old Henry Henry indeed change it to oh Austin great stuff mine is this next one it's by Julian Levy another Brooklyn guy right here nice Brooklyn yeah the ad that forget about yeah pizza pizza pizza is in Brooklyn you know what we're doing this story is called the witching hour ever look in the barback asked sweating holding a box into which the bartender loaded dewy beer bottles in what the bartender ass she followed her co-workers line of sight the hole it seemed not just to swallow light but to ward it off

the bar had been a bakery for three generations before the fire the hole had been the mouth of the bread oven now it was just a pitch black breach in the brick basement wall that nobody had ever bothered to seal a pipe dripped condensation mice scratched in the wall another bottle clinked into the box just rat shit and ash in there she said hell he had a restaurant a manager at show needs said that just rat shit Nash in the hole that's where we keep our beef that's what she said dismissing him as she wiped perspiration from her neck let's go waves of bodies pitched voices bumping music the night wore on things

ebbed it too so she cut the bar back he had a shift drink they chatted he left now it was witching hour dollar off beers but eager patrons drummed their fingers on the bar and waited where was the bartender she stood alone in the basement sweating back to the room hands on either side of the hole staring into the dark unable to say exactly why she wiped her forehead stood on her tip toes squinted into the cave-like blackness how deep did it go she put her head in there was stillness quiet dry air that carried just a whisper of yeast upstairs some patrons waited others walked away resigned stories jokes

lamentations flirtations all continued throbbing dripping desire warm and wet pouring sloppily from mouths spilling onto the floor meanwhile inside the hole there was nothing endless nothing blackness flat simple cool the further in she crawled the more she found peace and the distance behind her the holes mouth the basement was just a pinhole of light now soon there was breath alongside hers and whispers we are not strangers here she curled up in the dark in the peace head resting in the crook of her arm and waited for sleep cool sounds kind of peaceful yeah go wherever one knows my name yeah the big

hole full of rat shit and ass yeah we're the demons friends yeah I tell you what man I really miss being spooky yeah oh yeah I really do that's a good point like I miss ghosts now that we've been doing like we're not gonna bust this week's episode but it's like I really miss like I don't know getting tingles again you know downstairs you should like that television show that you're having feelings while watching the haunting of Hill House it's very good to also watch trick-or-treat last night it's a really good we should do next week we'll do a roundup of horror movies kissle for actual Halloween because

side stories comes out on Halloween so you can have a little guide to what to watch tomorrow night if you are like us sometimes where I like to be inside on Halloween and there is some a really some really great horror films we've been watching this Halloween there there's they're out there they are great year for horror all right so this is a story by Ben Albert Swift ooh I've been thinking about doing it since last Halloween I put a lot of research in I got a paper route so every morning I do a dry run in my head I picked the houses at random then I see how I feel about it if it feels right it goes into the

route till it feels wrong I took out 58 Main Street because it's where Mrs. Knight lives and I really want to get away with it and not get caught it's two weeks from Halloween I pick up my costume I don't put too much effort into it I want something I can dump quickly so I settle for a black cape and ghoul mask doesn't really look scary in fact it looks pretty stupid but that's what I like about it I stopped doing the dry runs as Halloween got closer I got a bus and walked a little bit then bought my supplies from a shop I'm pretty certain nobody I know will use I wore a baseball cap and pulled it down to cover

my face just to be sure I got a full shop so not to draw attention to the eggs and toilet paper and other stuff I got doubts about the big day my stomach was in flips all morning almost forgot about doing it but next year I'll be 13 and then I'll be too old to get away with trick-or-treating the stomach flips kind of felt good as well I sat through school made fake promises to meet my friends and hang out my dad mom or in when I get in and asked me what I'm doing and I tell them I'm probably just gonna go around the bills or maybe just stay home and play fortnight child stuff I don't I don't know what fortnight is

but it seems it's a video game yes it's a video game it's very popular hold a McNally plays it and he's well over 12 yes yes he does is a big boy big boy big guy they make a big show about how it's Halloween and they end up but I think they're happy that I'm not going out and causing trouble I hang out at home for a bit and when the parent and kid group stop coming around I give it half an hour that I put my costume and supplies in my school bag I tell my mom that I'm off the bills and my mom I'm off the Georges I go ahead and get my costume out of my bag and change so I can blend in first house I see y'all are his

friends like old men Bill and George just in the UK 12 year olds I don't think of Bill and George just like names that are common the UK is bringing back Edward Norton and all those words yeah okay the first house I get with toilet paper I enroll it before I throw it the first throw land short but the third hits the sweet spot in the tree and it goes everywhere I run away screaming laughing I can't even run properly it's so funny the second house is even better I run into the house knock on the door and then dash an old man comes to the door and he looks really confused and he closes the door I knock again this time

he's really angry and he's shouting and swearing I do it one more time this time he's waiting and he tries to grab me but I'm too quick I run away and I'm howl God this is gonna be better than I expected I was gonna leave until like the fourth house of my mischief route mischief route before I did the real thing but I can't wait I'm too hyper and excited I get the eggs out of my backpack my aim is brilliant I hit the Mercedes right in the windscreen the next to hit the car as well to top it off the second eggs a double yoker then I get that's a big one then I get the living room window that grabs her

attention she's up and out of the house and she looks at her car and she sees me with the eggs I have never seen anybody so angry her face is bright red spittle is coming out of the corners of her mouth she's up in my face and she slapped the egg box out of my hands then she slaps me in the face it's really hard it stings my cheek I can feel tears running down my face she's marching me into her house she's telling me she's ringing the police as the door shuts behind me I'm so excited I can barely think earlier in the year George showed me this ISIS video I felt funny looking at the blood but like a good funny and

that's when the idea came to me I tried other things like cutting myself and that was fine for a bit but then it just wasn't enough this was a lot better there was so much of it I splashed against my skin got into my mouth and tasted gorgeous like copper she was dead but that didn't stop me I kept at her body for a while then I tried to use the knife to saw off her head I tried really hard I got halfway through her neck when the knife snapped screamed and frustration and got a glimpse of myself in her hallway mirror I managed to get control myself I put my costume into a plastic bag then I put it back

into my backpack I ran out of there laughing I didn't think anybody saw me and I was beyond caring I jogged for a little bit then I took out my phone and rang bill through the plastic bag with my costume and the big bins out the back of the asda spent the night playing FIFA and I kept seeing her body and giggling at myself Bill kept asking me what was funny and saying how cool my makeup look how realistic it was I can't wait for next Halloween maybe I don't have to Yikes bill get out of there go hang out with George smoke stokies my god very interesting all right the first the to the first of all I mean

that the toilet paper that that's classic classic classic classic um but have you been egged as an adult I well yes we were eggs no not as an adult but there were some egging going on there was a few going back and forth in my neighborhood it wasn't I wasn't privy to it I was but we got egg twice and then I think my older brother was doing some egging or something was going on I got hit pretty hard with some eggs a couple times and I was a kid but that was you know that was all in good fun I was on 24 years old the last time I was egged by a group of 15 children actual children it was me and Eddie it was me and Eddie

walking down the street and like that was when I was the big fat and Eddie's a big boy and they showed no mercy and they covered us in eggs and we were supposed to go to a Halloween party where there were girls at the time and we got covered in eggs and then we just had to go back to his apartment and drink Budweiser's and listen to see girl alone well it was nice yes really fun no we did a lot of the toilet paper but I don't think kids are allowed to do that anymore no and we used to do stuff with mailboxes you cannot touch the mailboxes anymore oh no no no I had a friend in high school that got a

felony charge because he blew up the math teacher's mailbox hell yeah that's a little intense yeah that was a bit it was a bad decision right yeah he said fastly well admit that that was a bad decision hey man we gotta learn a sticker I can't remember what happened with the felony charge I think it followed him I'm not sure huh okay yeah he didn't go to prison that's good that's good all right this story it's coming in from a fella named Nathan Roberts thank you so much for writing in okay in the 20 years now the story is beginning thank you 20 years no problem in the 20 years I've been working with

animal rescue organizations I've seen it all number one thank you for working with animal rescue organizations we need more people working in those positions so this person seen it all he goes on tragic cases extreme neglect and cruelty showing the true depravity of man toward beast and I would say the man is the beast and the dog it's not a man but it's it's dog you should we should read the satanic Bible and you'll see that one of the tenements all about how we're just above dogs we're just actually even more vicious than animals so we'll talk about this later on but there's there's what there's time to cover this man say

we're about dangerous animal we're not above dogs because I have to pick up Puffin's poop every single day and I'm just a servant yeah Sam and Georgie yes yep I've seen dogs and cats that have been brought back but from near death some riddled with parasites are completely unkept with feces met with feces mattered matted into their fur and nails overgrown to the point the nails are digging into the bottom of their feet some of the most tragic cases that involves starvation with animals so so thin they are barely able to stand as their withered bodies are now a little more than skin pulled tight over a frail

skeleton in the arms of immediately thinking of in the arms of the angels don't make me hard because you know what Sarah McLaughlin does to my body I don't know how you have that crossover in your head because now it's all ASPCA for me none none none not all of these cases are our instances of cruelty many lonely people decide to keep pets for companionship as they shed their lives of human relationships these owners from time to time pass away in isolation not to be discovered until their bodies liquefy and leak into their neighbors apartments in a shower of putrid red ooze their pets are trapped without food

or water and faith and face a horrifying choice cats will usually eat their owners almost immediately it's not uncommon to find a lonely woman who has passed away in a home full of cats completely disfigured the lips are almost always eaten first in fact most of the soft parts of the face are the first thing to go dogs are dogs are a bit more loyal it's not uncommon for a dog to lay by their owner and slowly starve to death rather than eat their beloved master but not all dogs display this loyalty recently after an elderly man missed her Henderson missed a lunch date with his daughter she stopped by his home to check

in on him inside the home she discovered her father laying on his back eviscerated his intestines had pulled out into his intestines had pulled out into a steaming hot pile of gore with some lengths broken and chewed his pallid face was barely recognizable as his cheeks lips and eyes had been eaten off his face leaving behind a vacant and horrified expression filled with gnashed teeth his fingers had been gnawed exposing the glistening cartilage and bones beneath with some completely separated from his hand tiny blood soaked paws printed prints dotted the home leading to the culprit of the

macabre scene a small dog a dog was soaked red ambitious blood with clotted fragments decorating his fur he was found sitting on the kitchen floor chewing chewing on what was left of the man's fingers the coroner's report indicated the man had died from a blunt forced trauma to the head a little over two hours before being found the dog bowl was still filled with food they say that once a dog gets a taste of human flesh he craves it it's probably part of their genetics built in from the time before wolves were domesticated into dogs it's lying dormant but once it's been reactivated it's all the dog will

crave the dog will be waiting for the next opportunity for a human to let his guard down just enough than it so that they can pounce I tried to warn the shelter not to adopt the animal but my warnings were not heated several shampoos had removed the reddish pink several shampoos had removed the reddish pink tint from its white fur with mr. Henderson's blood circling down the porcelain wash basin into the drain leaving behind a seemingly cute perky animal that few would recognize as a potential ticking time bomb it's too late now though the dog was just adopted the new owner was not warned about the

animals past he seemed content excited posting photographs of the small animal on his Instagram account it's only a matter of time before his life comes to an abrupt end in a flash of teeth claws and fur I've heard he named the dog pop it I saved you pop it I was good to you pop yeah all right scary stuff thank you for the story buddy my last one is called what friends are for yeah by Tom from Santa Cruz okay my life used to be fairly complicated but now I have just one problem actually I suppose I have two problems although the second is relatively minor I'm referring of course to this stupid mouth stick stylist that

I'm using awkwardly type out this document the official record of the sad ending to one short life the voice to text functionality on this laptop isn't particularly useful since my broken jaw is still wired tightly shut from the accident and all the medications tend to make my speech slurred there's a real pain in the ass and I feel ridiculous but this won't take very long I assure you I intend to keep it brief frankly I don't have the energy nor the desire to tell this story in great detail so I'm afraid you'll have to settle for the short version here I think you'll find that to be enough it was a Friday night

just three weeks ago and I was driving home from work in the pouring rain when I got a call from my friend Adam inviting me to meet up with him and some of his friends from work in an Irish pub near his office in White Plains I was tired as hell and really just wanted to get home to relax for the night I also knew some of Adam's co-workers who would likely be there and not all of them were my idea of a good time so I hedged a bit at first as usual Adam told me I had to quote-unquote move on and quote-unquote get out there to begin the long slow process of healing emotionally and putting Allison behind me I assured him

that my deceased fiance had nothing to do with it I was just tired from a long work week and the weather was lousy the couch in my living room was calling for me and the next game was set to tip off in less than an hour okay and they're having a pretty good season so far pretty good I didn't explain that the twice weekly therapy sessions I have been quietly attending for the last two months were starting to help me come to terms with my guilt over Allison's drug overdose at the New Year's Eve party in Atlantic City six months ago the most tragic event of my entire life garnered some brief

attention in our local news at the time because it fit in neatly with the national opioid epidemic that is currently making headlines all across America Scarsdale's daughter's doctor dies of oxy overdose they say fear sells newspapers and evidently this story was scary because it had the whole it could happen to you angle fuck those newspapers it did happen to me anyway I figured I'd tell Adam about my therapy sessions soon enough I wasn't embarrassed it just wasn't something that I enjoyed talking about but Adam was a lifelong friend who would do anything for me and I've rarely kept any secrets from him so

despite the lousy weather and my desire to just get home and kick my feet up for the night I decided to stop by the pub to have a few beers besides I knew I had nothing to eat in the fridge at home so I figured I could chow down a burger and watch the first half of the Knicks game and then head on home in time for the second half I remembered asking Adam what time he was planning to get there just as I was merging onto I-95 and suddenly there was a tremendous flash of light and a violent explosion that consumed my entire world when I woke sometime later I was lying in a hospital bed floating in and out of

consciousness on a heavy cocktail of narcotics that had been pumped into my veins to alleviate intense pain I learned later that somehow the sleep-deprived long-haul truck driver who hit me didn't just run right over my little sports car and I'm a net miraculously survived what probably should have been a fatal accident laying there in the operating room I remember that I couldn't really feel my left leg and I was trying to explain this concern to a nurse when the head surgeon arrived at this point I was lucid enough to be able to see the people moving around me and understand some of the words they were saying from

behind their light blue surgical masks as they hurried about dutifully attending to their myriad tasks at some point I also noticed their deference to the tall man who walked quietly among them asking short clipped questions in a detached fashion when he finally stood over me and stared down into my face I recognized the eyes above his mask but could not place them then he spoke and I knew who my surgeon was I think we're ready he said for everyone in the room to hear then he leaned down and in a near whisper meant just for me said you have no idea how happy I am to see you here tonight Sean he quickly moved away

and from the other side of the bed an anesthesiologist leaned in and asked me to follow his fingertip with my eyes he began to count backwards from 10 while slowly moving his index finger back and forth before my face I tried to say something I think I even tried to scream but my world quickly went dark and I learned what happened next when I awoke in the hospital bed the next day with both of my arms and legs amputated the deeply sad and remorseful hospital administrator and the somewhat more detached and stoic attorney who accompanied her to my bedside could offer no logical reason why the surgeon

who had operated on me had unnecessarily removed my limbs nor why he had returned to his office to take his own life with a legal injection immediately afterwards she did explain to me that he had lost his only daughter about six months earlier and apparently he had suffered a severe mental break that day they hadn't put it all together yet and I didn't bother to tell her that I needed no explanation I just laid there with my eyes closed waiting for them to leave at Allison's funeral I could see that her father was a broken man when he refused to shake my hand to speak with me I knew that he would never forgive me

for what had happened to his only child we hadn't come in contact with one another since that gray day at the cemetery but a random series of events delivered me right to his ER that rainy Friday night and he took full advantage of the opportunity that presented itself to be honest I had completely forgotten that he was a surgeon a doctor from Scarsdale to be exact maybe this was all meant to be maybe this is the price I was destined to pay for Allison's life I don't know the universe works in strange ways but now I'm just waiting for Adam to get here when he does I'll tell him what happened then I'll tell

him that I have no desire to live this way not for one more day remember how I said that Adam was an old friend who would do anything for me I suppose I'll soon find out the truth of that what good is it to have friends if you can't rely on them when you need them but I'm not worried I trust Adam I know it'll be tough for him and I might have to paint a pretty stark and brutal picture to illustrate what life will be like for me as a once active and athletic 26 year old who is now quadruple amputee but I'm pretty sure that he'll come through for me in the end after all what are friends for cool yeah I mean I gotta say

stick around though because they're making all the technology now you'll just be a cyborg stick around yeah there's some cool stuff yeah don't don't just don't just end it all with it it's only been a week it's honestly we're gonna get skeletons it's gonna work out we're gonna figure this shit out I mean I swear to God I was watching there was a real sports thing on the WLM double amputees with the legs you know that you they got these they got these things now they put on the feet they're faster than ever my god my goodness yeah man and faster than me and I'm the fastest man within 10 feet I know all

right so this is my final one all right this is goes out to the fans I'm certain by Michael Cahill Cahill and I think you'll like it Kessel okay the secret ingredient the lights in the boardroom were flickering subtly despite the you're right puffing farted the lights in the boardroom were flickering subtly despite the ominous lighting the meeting continued on so agreed that by May 2008 our new creation will be on the shelves of every major grocery and liquor store in the country the gathered the gathered executives not at an agreement murmuring among themselves at their plan long in preparation was

finally seeing the light of day to a round of applause from the gathered executives Budweiser CEO Carlos Brito triumphantly announced Bud Light Lime will be our best-selling beverage of all time no sometimes later after the executives of the meeting had gone home to their mansions of their sport cars Brito stayed behind he enjoyed in roaming the darkened halls of the company's main brewery in fact it was only at times like these that he could visit the company's secret beer lab to inspect the specimen 2008 had been a tough year for Budweiser the financial crisis had cut into their profits even

a recession people have to drink but they didn't want to drink Budweiser Bud Light Lime would change all of that Brito hoped in fact he had pinned his future on the beverage's success if Bud Light Lime flopped when it hit shelves next week he would be sunk ah finally murdered Brito as he came up to the secret beer lab he swiped his key card the door swung open into the darkness as Brito stepped into the doorway the automated lights kicked on and the door shut behind him how are we feeling this evening said Brito to the now illuminated lab against the far wall was a large slender creature from a distance that

resembled a very tall very thin man the creature did not like the fluorescent lights and struggled against its restraints to break free and return to the blessed darkness now now now don't you struggle said Brito calmly to the creature we don't want you damaging that precious thick cock of yours in addition to the restraints holding the creature's arms and legs around its waist was a metal contraption holding it tight against the wall at the end of the waist contraption was a tube attached to the large throbbing head of the creature's penis it's almost time for you to shine slender man

could Brito with the restrained man this time next week the world will be enjoying an alcoholic mixture of your common art delicious beer it'll be a hailed as a I'll be hailed as a hero I'm gonna save his company I'll make you love me like I love you you're going to slumber for this shouted slender man and Brito from across the room I doubt it Brito replied you've been in this lab for two years and every single one of your proxies who have tried to break in here I've been killed you're here for the long haul scream the slender man pulling against his restraints you know I think we're one load short for our last

batch going out tomorrow morning why don't we take care of that now said Brito slyly Brito removed the automated master machine from slender man's cock and pressed a button to raise the creature's rock hard erection to eye level mm-hmm how about we do this old-fashioned way this time said Brito as he took slender man's cock into his mouth at first slender man fought the aggressive CEO soft mouth but he could no longer fight it and for the next ten minutes slender man forgot his situation and gave into the pleasure for common full force right down into the back of Brito's throat oops forgot to

aim that into the machine guess we'll have to try again later said Brito with this sly smile his mouth tasted vaguely of lime and that's it oh my god all right slender man's cum tastes like a lie buddy that's why by the way I agree Bud Light lime is not what I drink it is disgusting yeah I would imagine that's how it is made one day I will reveal the work that I have done you don't think you and discredit you discredit your life huh all right well what a great series of stories everyone thank you so much for submitting to this year's listener pastas really awesome stuff and again we got like 500 so apologies honestly we

went through as many as these were really we have so many good ones that we left yeah I can't wait to do this again like next year like this was really really successful you guys are really fucking creative and it's so nice to get back into the spooky mindset and remember what Halloween is all about yes that's right I thought you were gonna say living laughing and loving but you didn't say that well that's what I do every single day you don't you know what's another going to pack and shove and haul that's my truck driver that's a truck driver that shove haul how do you feel back on side stories Marcus it feels

good feels good feels good to be here absolutely you're not stressed because you have a bunch of other work to do now not thinking about that in the back my mom whatsoever and trying to plan out how I can eat and so maximize time output for the rest of it okay I have a feeling it's now going towards the front of your mind all right everyone well thank you all so much for listening again we'll be we're gonna be in Austin we're gonna be in Dallas and we're gonna be in Oklahoma City which is I cannot wait for those shows yeah those are gonna be great we're also gonna be in Indianapolis and Chicago and we're gonna be

at the true crime we're gonna be at the death becomes a crime fest and I watched in DC that show is sold out though but you know but it might get be able to get tickets somewhere I mean we'll be there we'll be in DC yeah we're gonna if you see a tall guy with a with a one of those beer hats that has the double Bud lights that go in with the straws staring at the statue of Abraham Lincoln go talk to him it might be me the last true successful tall man he yells at the stone statue of Abraham Lincoln you have a lot of things I'm glad that you're you're free to yell at the government that weekend oh absolutely

all right everyone thank you all so much for listening hail yourselves hail Satan follow us LP on the left for all the bullshit so now if you want to submit any story to side stories for further coverage side stories LP OTL a gmail.com again that side stories LP OTL at gmail.com and we will be combing them for new yeah content and next week again could put your fucking spooky hats on because we're gonna be going through some fucking horror movies get ready because it is Halloween we're gonna do some horror movies and well there's a couple of stories that we'll have to get to as well it's been

a strange another strange week for the world yes strange week and the world absolutely it'll never be normal ever again hail me all right everyone again hail yourselves we'll talk to you soon. Hail again everyone goodbye. Bye Marcus! Goodbye!