Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Listenerpasta VIII - Strange Milk

Episode Date: October 25, 2023

This week Henry & Marcus bring you a very special serving of Listenerpasta to get you into the Halloween spirit... so sit back, roll up a thick ole' hog's leg, and dive on into the spooky spaghetti.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk on the left side stories. You're the can't I'm the star. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, we're both having a pretty hard time here. We're actually we'll start. Yeah, whenever we're never you ready Let me know he just yeah, he's ready. I'm ready. I can't see anything this Spider-Man costume that I'm wearing for the video is Extort narrowly impractical. You know what I like though. There's that yeah, I can't see anything No, I can't see anything either. You sound like shit because you got a mask on that's what I like those This is an audio platform But you sound like shit because you got a mask on that's what I like those is an audio Platform mostly but what I like is that they don't know until you see it they're actually very spooky. Yes You are very spooky and I'm I'm spider-man you are spider-man

I'm not allowed to be anything IP associated. Yeah, so I had a costume They tried to get me to join sag after we did that Edgene thing and I told them no I told the fuck you bro. I'm not gonna give you $3,000 for what? For what? You know, it does help for some people, I mean we already pay for your own health care. Yeah. But it does help that. And also, you don't understand every Christmas I get 10 Netflix DVDs.

Wow. Yeah, they send me that. They send me DVDs to vote for the Hermes, which I can't do. So not on those boards, but then they sent me DVDs and the things that are streaming. Wow, that's great.

It's great that they get to, you know, just create landfill stuff. No, no, no. Hermacrab is they bring it up and they use it to make their show shiny. It's actually very nice. Who would you describe me as? I would describe you as,

um, not IP. I mean, that's the thing. I can't really see you, so I have to take my spider man. You can take the spider man. Oh, you can take the spider man. Oh, it's Peter Parker. Ah, and I do have more.

I have very much of Peter Parker. Look about me. You do. Yeah, very much so. I would describe you as a Peter Parker look about me. You do. Yeah, very much so. I would describe you as dead Kim Gordon. Whoa. Yeah, that's from Sonic Youth. Yeah, the guitarist and singer from Sonic Youth.

Yeah, you would be, yeah, you would be, you know what you are, dead eye Kim Gordon. Whoa, that's kind of cool. It's very cool. Do you think it's cause I have the same breast size? Because I do have all girl boobies. You do. Yeah, I kind of offered the same chest as,

what was the girl from Smash and Pumpkins? Uh, Darcy. Yeah. I was attracted to her and then I realized that if I just shaved, you'd be the same. No, you wouldn't be welcome to site stories. You're telling lies. I'm Marcus Parks.

Henry's a Browse is telling lies. What are you talking about? Darcy is a beautiful, beautiful woman. What do you mean? What do you mean? I'm an unapproachable, I'm unharrowing. I'm a call you never know. You never know what you stand with me.

I'm pure K. That's fun, right? It's fun. Yeah, I mean, that's accurate, but not, you know, we have this conversation many times before, we shave you and you look like an abolita I do I do look like a god just like a like an abolita that just crawled out of the fucking test tube Born Born by science. Do I need to take this off? You need to take it off. Yeah, cuz it's not good for audio

No, it's horrible for audio. I'd imagine at this point Yeah, people are just asking when when is he going to take off the mask so we can enjoy the audio media. Oh, you see, but I'm what I'm enjoying is the scent of sushi and coffee. That is rebounding inside of the plastic page back inside. Oh, take this off. Oh, yeah. Oh, I got now. I'm just on it now I am just now you're Now you're Kim Gordon with a mustache. Yeah Come on. I live at Seattle, right? Other New York New York band. All right, welcome to the 19th annual listener pasta episode 19th. I don't know

But I know that it's good you guys sitting some really good stuff. No, I don't know. But I know that it's good. You guys sitting some really good stuff. Yeah, sitting some great stuff. Like very imaginative stuff. I think that's what I like. I always like very imaginative, very weird, creepy pasta. That's what I, that's my bag. Because you know why genuinely creepy

is probably one of the hardest things I think in literature to achieve. Now, you know, because Richard you know, Richard Mathison, probably one of my favorites, like Hell House, have you ever read Richard Mathison? No. Genuinely frightening. Like that book, fuck me up.

Stephen King still got it every once in a while, like he'll creep you out. You know what, I just read, reread Christine of your red Christine. I know, not since like high school. Christine, it's not scary in any way whatsoever. Anything about evil cars is not that good. And it's just because it's so distracting because the whole time the main character Arnie

keeps using the phrase shitters. He keeps saying everyone's shitters because that's how you know that the old man who owned Ronald Labet, the man who owned Christine before Arnie, that's how you know he's taking all, he's possessing him and taking over his body because he keeps calling everyone that he doesn't like shitters. Shitters. Steven King likes to attribute very specific turns of phrases to things because that's how we delineate his character.

And he only has one psychic old black man and one psychic child. And matter what, we're watching Rose Red. We've never seen that movie. It's basically kind of a rip off of Richard Matheson's Hell House, but it's also, it's really good. It's about a bunch of psychics going to basically investigate a super dangerous haunted house together and try to find proof of psychic activity inside of this home. Wasn't it also 13 ghosts?

Very similar. Well, that was a ghost jail. Remember that was a ghost jail. Remember that was a ghost jail was a ghost with very large boobies. It was a ghost jail But I thought that it was a bunch of paranormal investigators going to the ghost jail But it was a ghost. Yeah And then this one rose red is more like the Winchester house because it's about a house of many many rooms No one's really sure how many rooms are in there. Go in one day. It's 54.

Go in another day. It's 97, which is incredible. Very, very incredible. Very spooky indeed. So before we begin today's listener pasta, I'm going to remind you of what you need to do. All right. So if it your home number one, get yourself real spooked out.

Remember that when you are away from your home, if someone's been watching you for a very long time, you don't know how predictable you are and how pattern-based you are. It's a primate. You know, you just don't understand. You think you're this unpredictable, not like me. I am unpredictable. But you think you're a shut-alatement, you cut a bottle. Right? But no, no, no, no, you're basically a little computer program. And people figure out really easily, especially when they've been watching you for a very long time. And so especially if you're home tonight of long, especially if you're a single person.

You have no one else of you. Or care for you. And you want you to find the the person loves and cares for you. But not tonight. Not tonight, tonight, tonight, you're gonna, is there a cat in the next room? Psst, it's a cat one. But I want you to remember that,

like just so easy, especially if you have the patience of job to find a place inside of your home, to we for you. For your last moments of relaxation that you have, right? Before you go to sleep and then you spring your trap up on you. Okay. What could a trap, like a,

oh, by springing the trap, you mean like there's a jack in the box, they've hidden somewhere inside the house and they're waiting for you to come upon the jack in the box and then you open it up and then just bring literally springs out. You say that, like that wouldn't be like genuinely fright. That would be the worst thing ever.

And it's hacky in your imagination. Hacky, but that's the thing. If you, but if you were, if you walked into your house and you found a massive like obvious Jack in the box box, Oh, you got a leak. But no, but are you going to call the police? No, you're not going to call the police. What are you going to do?

Are you going to call your friend? Like, what are not gonna call the police. What are you gonna do? Are you gonna call your friend? What are you gonna do with the Jack in the Box Box? Email, site stories, L-P-O-T-L-A-G-M-L.com. Because we're the only people who are gonna be able to help you. Yeah, if a mysterious Jack in the Box appears in your house because what do you do with it? What do you do?

Honestly, you call up a gullible friend. Yeah, to go with like, You call up like Jerry. Jerry like all sudden Jerry's are like, oh yeah, I love an experience. Like Jerry, like the kind of person that like just signs up for a group on not knowing what it is. I'm in the Westchester area. I wonder when it's good to pop out. Don't think it may be on order repeats. Do it, do it, do it, do it.

Pop a John's, yeah, I get pepperoni, yeah. Yeah, I get a medium and a Coca-Cola, yeah, thanks so much. Yeah, I'll take some garlic bread as well. It's a crazy bread, yeah, if you could. All right, thanks, see ya' 30. D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D- weird because it's the weird that's what I love let's start it. Do you want to start with something weird? Yeah, I'd love to all right And this is from you This is from the listener. You did the work. Yeah, this is from Dane LeBorn. This is a story called Red right hand. It's very reminiscent to me of ice cream man. Oh, they've come a book. Yeah

The moon was hanging low in the sky. Cast in an eerie glow on the streets of the man walked, clutching the duffel bag he was carrying closer to him as he passed closed down storefronts and bordered up windows. This part of the city and most of its inhabitants have been all but forgotten, left to rot and crumble as time dragged on. The man turned out a dark alleyway, ignoring the sleeping shape of the entrance. The derelict was of no concern to him. He had very important business, and his timetable would not allow for anything fun to happen,

no matter how badly his body ached for it. His left hand closed ever tighter around the handle of the duffel. Knuckles going white with the strain. His other, absent mindedly drifted into his pocket, sliding along the edge of his only true love. Her cold steel, sending shivers of his arm, as his eyes came to rest on his go. A red oil drum was turned over a few feet from him. The remnants of the last fire had held, spilling out on the ground.

He set the duffel down and set the drum upright, flipping it upside down, leaving him with a flat, circular workspace. This will do nicely, he thought, and in spite of himself, a smile began to creep over his face. Very jojo. He leaned down and unzip the bag, carefully removing his prize. He tended to his tablo with the careful care and precision of an artist, positioning each aspect of it just so.

After all, each object in his macabre still alive at a very real purpose. It was this above all that guided him in his choice of location to unveil his first masterpiece. As he put the finishing touches on everything that was sitting atop the old drum, another small crypt across his face. This is what he'd long for for such a long time. It was finally time and he was beginning to place his pieces on the board. But you see this with all of the weird things that are on your desk. It's like the same thing. You're real little goblins and every little toys that you play with in your toothpicks and your gums. I love my goblins. You do love your little goblins. I guess so many goblins.

Like little trinkets. You're like a weird crow. I am like a crow. I love to get a crow who collects goblins. If you want to know what my spirit animal is, it's a crow who collects goblins. That's you. That's racist. That's the story. This elated him.

And still smiling. He bent down and took out the jar. The dark substance within sloshing up onto the story. Bissellated him. And still smiling, he bent down and took out the jar. The dark substance within sloshing up onto the sides. Unscrew in the lid. He carefully removed it and set it off to one side. Grabbing the paintbrush, he had set down upon moving the jar from his bag. Taking only a moment of pleasure for himself. He lowered his face to the jar, his nose just passing the ram.

And inhaled deeply. A shutter ran through him as he breathed in the coppery clean smell and he felt a renewed sense of edification running through him. This was right. This felt good. Nothing that felt as good could be anything but wonderful. Gryffind the paintbrush. He turned his attention of the wall behind the drum, dimmed the tip of his brush in the thick oozing substance.

He wrote this first message to the world. The thick, hot, red dripping down as he wrote on. As he finished, the thought occurred to him. He had never before felt so wonderful, so proud. Not at anything he'd done up to that point. Sad. Sometimes you just find the right thing. The tears. Got it? Understand. Stepping back, he looked at his work, his art, his pride as well as his eye surveyed the neat scene before two hands, clashed in prayer. The blood can gel in around the wrist where he had liberated them from the rest.

Sad on the forefront of top two books. The King James Bobble and his school-war on copy, a paradise lost by Milton. Deep. He's juxtaposing themes. Behind the sad, tall, thick, red candle. Rapt around that and pressed just slightly into the wax was a blood red rosary The man struck a match and leaned in Set in the wake of the candle light

Now shining and the dim glow of the candle His stolen words stood out against the rest of the brick Darker red and almost menacing under the dull light almost menacing severed hands on top of the Bible and the fucking and Paradise lost. And the red candle with a rosary burn into it. It's almost menacing. These are the words that would start this dark game. What if the fire that kindled those grim fires awakened should blow them into sevenfold rage and plunges in the flames. Or from a

bob should intermingled vengeance arm against his red-route hand to plague us. Very wordy, three out of five serves. Gathering his things, the man turned, walked back along Lally. Cast in one last almost long and look at his work at his prize. The man left. That was more, much more to be done. And his playmates were doing it soon. Next time I gotta get some feet. That was good. Hey, say, no, I bet that the greeting was great. Oh, yeah, no, he did great. Yeah, a dain dain the board. That was great. Red right hand by dain the board. Thank you so much. Dain to use an artist. Who's an artist. Yeah. But you know,

honestly, I wish I could feel that level of satisfaction. Yeah. And from painting a mural outside, I mean, I know we know a lot of people who do paint murals that are our listeners. So if you ever felt anything I could, if we want to do something like that, I'll take it. So that's stories LPLG and I'll come. I will produce that. And if you have a secret prayer that you say at the end of every single mural that you paint for, you know, kindling the grim fires and the arms of vengeance and red right hands,

then I can go on before you, man. I'm probably right now with you somewhere in Iowa city Just going like please let there be another axe throwing a micro brewery Chinese restaurant to have this right please for the love of God bring me Asian fusion So I may paint another mural I'm your play All right now it's time for mine. It's the Corn Man. Ha ha ha. It's good, and it's by Corn Man.

Corn Man! Corn Man! Yeah. The Corn It's in your head. But I salted up and get made him. All right here we go. Perfectly done. It all started with five slices of pizza. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, slices. It was about three days later when I first felt a problem. Tell me about it.

Discomforted my sides and pressure in my butt. I knew what the symptoms meant. Smart man. Oh yeah. I tried a few different things to pass the cheese. Swallowed prune juice, swirled fiber powder, and gobbled lettuce, but nothing was effective. Swirled fiber powder, gobbled lettuce, but nothing was effective until I tried Corn The key man honestly smokeable I shit every time I smoke a bowl really First thing that's interesting you smoke a bowl in the first I it relaxes it relaxes your aim my anus. I do really think it does interesting never for sex But for shit. Now the first can was easy.

I spoon the kernels, will I pray to silent prayer wishing my constipation deceased? It was super sweet. But the idea of relief was sweeter. The second can hurt. Not supposed to eat two cans in a set. That's not actually technically all. This is like, addin' bookshot.

Right, this is not supposed to help. Adding a bunch of corn to my bloated stomach was painful. The cheese fought a war inside my colon. I hope it was losing. The next day I had my answer. After removing one leg from my jeans and praying to whatever God was watching over me, I pushed out the longest log I've ever seen.

I know what they mean by removing one leg from the jeans. Did you ever do that? That's prison. You have to do that in prison. No, I don't do it in prison. I do it in prison. No, but that's what you see. When you shit in prison, you're supposed to make sure you don't have the pants running your legs

because that's how guys like... Stuck. I know that. I'm talking about my non prison life. Oh Yeah, you take one leg out of the gene so you can spread your legs are out further. So that way because it that's I'm not Not everybody is an easy viscitor as you you shit like five times a day. Yeah, some people say it's too much Yeah, also buddy. I want to say shit naked. I love shit make is my favorite. It's so it's it is my one of my favorite things in the world. I love it.

Shake it over. Shit naked. Sleep naked. Watching the fucking dogs naked. Do all those naked. Roomed them naked. Now that brown floater bobbed in the ivory commode. So I wiped my ass. I looked down to discover the turd. I'd rolled into a semicircle on the upward commode. So I wiped my ass, I looked down to discover the turd, I'd rolled into a semicircle.

On the upward facing side, corn kernels were embedded in the brown, yam-shaped poopy. At first I had noticed anything out of the ordinary besides the sheer amount of yellow dot in the stool. Understandable. But as it lazily rotated, I made an amazing discovery, a series of numbers spelled in corn kernels. I'm blazing down my turd. After the fear subsided, right, that's lottery. First of all, you got to take that

rate to the power. I hurriedly jotted down what was written. Twelve digits, 12 numbers spelled in corn in my dukey. An ominous feeling washed over me as I flushed. I did not wash my hands. Anominous feeling. Watched over me as I flushed. I did not wash my hands. Interesting. Weird. Years passed without incident. Wow.

I didn't realize it was a big time drop. I did not realize the years passed. Years, no, there's a lot of, it's a story that reaches across space and time. This is a bug. Epic. And I had forgotten that fateful day. I don't know how, but I carried on navigating the pitfalls of young adulthood.

The corn and pizza were a distant memory. And the scribbled note was tucked away, much like the drama of that plot. While in college, I learned how to read coordinates, latitude and launch to two sets of numbers, six numbers a set. 12 digits. Yeah. I realized what had manifested in my colon years prior. Coordinates, location. This, an Oracle that had made home in my guts. His paper, a turd, his ink, the kill. Mm-hmm. Now I rushed home and searched for the coordinates.

I'll spare the exact location. Oh, you shouldn't have. Because I should have been interested. I'd say thank you for, because I know what happens next. I'll spare the exact location. Oh, you shouldn't have. Because I should have to be interested. I'd say thank you for cause I know what happens next. I know, but I still would like to say, I don't know how he's riding it though. So we'll figure that out later. Okay.

I'd only stretch a road between two small towns. I neared my destination. The GPS felt like a bomb ticking down. And what laid before me as the timer reached zero, I did not know. Curiosity overcame my dread as I parked the car. Twilight was approaching and the sun was barely visible against the dusty dry landscape. I walked about 20 yards to reach a withered cornfield. A sweet odour hung stair in the air as my feet crunched against the dirt. K-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k- It's a warning. It's cool. I waited for something to happen, but in what I expected, I could not guess.

As I turned toward my car, a croaking voice called to me. I swiveled, tripping on the broken stalks, a man stood before me, three feet from my shaking body. He was jaundiced. His yellow was cold. He was not unlike a husk. His hair was thin and translucent and yellowed. His buttery teeth were crooked in his angry gums.

His eyes were sunken and sore. His cheeks were pronounced in tight. And in summary, he was all kinds of gross. He smiled at terrible smile and he spoke to me once more. You came. There's coordinates. He laughed, a weezing laugh. I didn't point.

That is good. He was gone. And I rotated, expecting him to reappear, but he was snow more. I ran into my car and I started the engine. Froom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I went the engine. Froom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

I sweated off, putting as many miles between myself and that shell of a man. I approached a small town that Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I sweated off putting as many miles between myself and that shell of a man. I approached a small town that I passed an hour before, but nothing went familiar. I lied to myself. A lot of plastic hair is gonna matter. I lied to myself thinking he was stressed and do fugue, but after another hour of driving,

I was convinced something was wrong. I noticed the cornfields, the daughter of the flat terrain, were more frequent. Soon the healthy corn became frail and with the gaps between the cornfields, became closer and closer. Eventually the corn and gulfed the landscape. I drove as fast as my car would allow,

but the road was cracked and rough. Patches of brown weeds drove into the asphalt and the corn continued. I like it. The corn, the fields were indistinguishable from the road. The wall of corn slowed the car. And I stopped. I kicked up in the door and I ran towards the road,

but there was no end to the sinister corn. My run slowed to a walk. And my walk became a santa. No wonder for hours, but I could not escape the corn. I stumbled through the sea of corn for weeks. I was exhausted, delirious, thirsty, hungry at my sides. I was somehow still alive. Wow.

Gotta eat the corn. Get a lighter or something. Corn's all right, though. I guess so. Months pass. My hands. Thank you've just been reading this without paying attention at all. I am just saying their corn. I still think there might be some good corn.

Okay. Months past my hands became shriveled, my dehydrated skin became a sickly yellow, and my hair was colorless and dirty. My fingernails with the color dried corn. I was he, I am he. I am become the corn man. Many years past in that endless corn, countless days of thirst without water and hunger without attendees. Though I had no attendees, I was growing stronger.

No whisper to the kernels and they delighted in my schemes. They relished my misgivings and craved suffering. I asked the corn to arrange itself into boopies, near bed with cunning delight, two sets of numbers, six numbers a set, twelve digits. They spread my message for another corn man. A new master of corn was owed. So next time you eat a bunch of corn,

remember these words, well, 12 digits on a log, is a master do, 12 digits in a turn. Is the master you? That was good. I love the run. It's couple like, no, the run, the couple at the end is what makes the whole thing. Yeah, 12 digits on a log as a master do. I don't love that. 12 digits in a turn is the rutt, the couplet at the end is what makes the whole thing. I love it.

I love it. So it's an adored is the master you because so okay. So in the corn man lore, the corn man is replaced by the previous corn man that was brought to him by eating a lot of corn. Yeah, but that's the, but it seems to me that the whole point of the corn man is just to hat because the corn man doesn't seem to do anything besides bringing another corn man to the field. So another corn man can be made. It feels like the corn man doesn't serve any other purpose.

Like pet insurance or something. You know, it's like one of those where you're like, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's capitals. It's just, it's just bringing the only point of the corn man is to make another corn man. And there's no real reason why we have a corn man. Well, maybe the corn man is, I guess technically it's about moving cans of corn because a guy decided whoever who originally began the cycle was eating cans and cans and cans

of corn because he was conceited. You only ate two cans of corn though and that's not that much that's what a dollar 50. I go well, I guess that's what corn costs a long time ago, but yeah, like two cans of corn that can't be more than four bucks. I'm maybe this is just about me, is it about ethanol? Maybe it's an inflation thing. This is something about. Maybe two cans of Korn costs six bucks now.

No, I don't know. I mean, we're starting to sound like the Mrs. Blue. From the rest of the development. This reminds me of the movie In the Tall Grass. Ah! You see that? It's about evil grass. Evil In the Tall, I have never.

It's really good. Okay, yeah, you can still get a can of corn for a dollar. Hey man, and that ain't scary at all. I thought the can, I thought cans of corn were like way higher. No, no, man. I thought inflation to fucked up cans of corn. I make this thing called Natalie's mush, that she likes.

It's like, you see, it's beans, corn, tofu lumps, and then I put it over brown rice, right? I make it's basically burrito bowl, but it does gain the consistency of mush. So I do fairly, not the brag, but I buy corn fairly often. Ah! Ah!

We're just not a corn family. You gotta get in our house. Our house doesn't have a lot of corn in our diet. I just like seeing, I like seeing it in my shit. Mostly we just eat broccoli, asparagus and carrots. I do that, I'm gonna brush this. Yeah. Well, let's get to the next one.

Let's just, yeah. Yeah, let's just, yeah. Boy, this Spider-Man costume, it's really like, I do love an air, a skin type costume. I do love it. I Yeah, yeah, but it's just I almost broke my spider-man costume which would have been hilarious But I'm not a lot of where I pee. Yeah, that's terrible. Maybe we could have just put it out Why the why are they in your life? It's weird. I don't know This next story is called strange milk

It's weird. I don't know. This next story is called Strange Milk. It's by Sydney. Yeah, corn and milk and for some reason, I don't know why. When I read this story, specific voice struck me. Good. I love that. As I feel that the protagonist is German. Perfect. I keep three spoonfuls of powdered milk, blast them with hot tap water and drink directly

from the Pyrex measuring cup. No clean glasses. I haven't done the dishes since merely left. I hate milk or they have. But the only remedy I haven't tried, I tap my phone. It's 3.14 am. I never do get back to sleep. You ever had powdered milk?

No. In water? No. That's gross. It sounds awful. I was late to unlock my front door and immediately step and catch it. Fuck me! That's why it's German.

My landlord leased from his porch. Morning. I had grown to good morning. Bell tingling around its neck, the cat, Vives through Roy's work boots, he owns multiple properties, but dresses like a plumber. I dress like this because I have to. Looking a little peek at Sun, Roy says, Zigg, I didn't sleep.

I got something for that. He raises a cat-shaped mug. No, I say. Nine, donker. Then my boss asks me what smells like shit I tell him it's me. Vitch is risky. It is. I've been on Senaissia for a bit, but he finds it hilarious. He jokes I could use cukes to warn the cat off. Then he shows me videos of cats, fights and by cucumbers. He leans heavily into my arm. His shampoo smells like Mary's. Never say it about your boss. But I get home on my dishes a clean.

Sometimes let themselves in, jingle jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, jangle, j Jingle jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jing And this is why I'm not he's being a landlord fucking dumb idea man. When he answers he studies my eye bags. I got something for that. The inside of his house is covered soon to carpet this cats ceramic cats doing yoga cat clock darting its eyes right left right left. From a gallon freezer bag he spoons beige powder into a tabby mug. Vista striped to tail for a handle. I don't know what I'm drinking, but it flees his my veins with warmth. My fives. He says to Zimog. Or Zisper's hands. Past a year ago now. Couldn't take any of it down. I think I would. I would.

You've only covered all the house and cats and then she died. Yeah. I don't think you would. Yeah, I guess I'd be destroyed. Yeah, you'd be destroyed. You wouldn't do it. Yeah. I think you would sell the house with the cats still on the wall before you take the cats

out. I take it all back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You'd be destroyed. My lips are too vet and fat seeming, but through them I'm humble sorry. But abruptly I tell them I can't take it anymore.

The cat, yeah, the cat, Roy shrugs. Linda had him chipped, he says, so he can come and go. Osser get son. I take a drink, I tell him I found my dawn locked yesterday. His voice sounds far off. Is that you that you're renting? It was a studio. In fact, it's Vese found her. You gotta keep it clean. That's all I ask. Vese found her. Your generations got more respect for property, dirtying it up, gonna get arrested, place infested.

God, I would kill for a resting place, I say. I would kill for any place to own a house, any of your stupid houses or these stupid cat torchkeys. You did my dishes, fucker, I know you did. My hand doesn't feel like mine, The mug is in pieces on the floor. Now I'm outside. There's a ground as this blow me in strobes. I go to my bed, face down on my shirt.

When I opened my eyes, my circus mind is at a standstill. My husbandry German. That's also married German. My circus mind is at a standstill. My limbs glide like electric meat instead of sandbags. All I can think on the ride to work is that Roy's fixed me. If I can swing it, I'll pay next month's rent in full on time. I vow to replace his mug.

The full night's sleep goes to my head. I get too cocky. My boss asks if his cucumber idea worked out. I make an indelicate joke. I know the moment his smile fades, I messed up. The email comes as I'm about to clock out. There's a meeting tomorrow morning where I bring in any company property. I might haveat home on my

way back. I forget to buy some mug. Yeah, man. You've been laid off dog. I don't know that yet, but I will know on Monday. You definitely laid off. It's enough where I forget to buy some mug. Then I told my landlord I would buy him a new cat mug. Yeah, it's not going to be this came saying cat mug because it's fucking over, dude. I remember when I got laid off because I remember that I had to book the small conference room for my boss He had me book it that day and then he called me into the conference room that I booked and then he fired me in it Oh, that's a bad Monday. I was needed to be fired I mean very bad employee my doors unlocked again, but I don't notice

But I do notice is the smell of feces and the bathroom, I find the cat squatting over Mary's shirt, a noise escapes me. The cat hisses. Her age prepares them outside, enters the street where a car flattens him like a boot on a soda can. As a clinic, I give the okay to use a nice. I don't take the body with clench the dinkle bell collar. The receptionist holds me while I sob. Also a German sentence. The receptionist holds me while I sob. See, this is why I heard this. This is why when I read this,

I heard a German voice. Yes. I hide the collar in my nightstand, throw Mary's shirt in the trash, then pile six spoonfuls of condensed milk into the sour measuring cup. I drink it down and huge throaty gasps. Revolent streamed down my mouth, mixing with my tears. For the first time, I noticed the powdered milk isn't in its store-part pouch. That is a very difficult, very in-the't in its store-bought pouch. That is a very difficult all very in the dead store. I noticed the powdered milk isn't in its store-bought pouch, but in a freezer bag. Do you remember the freezer back. Yes, I'm sure they do. It's an earlier thing that was important. It was in the lab and it ran.

It was in the landlord's house, Thrip, just so you remember. As I slide to the floor, my vision grays out around the pevst. He'll told virk boots. Oh, God, later I stir briefly in his arms. The colors loops through his fingers. Had him chipped I think

Saruket's son I come to in a basement my hair's crusted chin tight this dried milk my hands abound Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle Jingle I reach up to fingers a bell around my neck. Oh shit He's a fucking cat dude. He's a fucking he's started to a cat man. He made him a cat Somedays pass I shake it's a bottom of the stairs After I'm good and quiet. I am permitted to come up He said the sauce of true milk on the floor. I was a true milk that I had so wanted so wrong. True milk. True milk. Not the powdered. Not from even the regular the regular. My eyes. Lime. Bring me my true milk. On my knees, I lap it up, filling my vithed stomach.

It's morning again. It's a kitchen. It's clean. It's a kitchen. It's ours. Whoa. It's a cat clock tick, sons of all. Casting its eyes.

Left, right, left, right, left, right, right, right. I lean my head against him. His fingers find my ear. At long last. I sleep. Man. I'd be a cat. That's easy. Yeah, man. Just fucking waiting around to the landlord. Because he's a landlord, man. He's got all kinds of properties. But the thing is is that what I only I don't I like that story. I love that. I fucking love that story. So my question is just so like, so it's considering it's a cycle. Again, another one that it's a cycle.

But the first cat was a normal cat. The first cat was a normal cat. Yes. He's a now he's just collecting a cat man. Yes. Now he's collecting a cat man because he killed the cat because he killed the cat. Yes. He's now he's just collecting a cat man. Yes. Now he's collecting a cat man because he killed the cat because he killed the cat. Yes. And because it was that's his replacement. It was his wife's wife's wife's cat is wife loved cats. And so as punishment for some

right. Both of them loved powdered milk. That's something. Yeah. That's where he got the beginning of it. Because I thought that this was going to be a milk based story. No, and I love the straight because it's strange. Me too. Strange milk. I like milk because it's strange milk. Strange milk. We're getting you all this milk.

Yeah, it's that. Yeah, it's milk. That is because it's the powdered milk that turns him into a cat, but he's not turned into a cat. Is it like the murder fish sketch, Percival, is it just a man dressed as a cat? That's what I'm, because then it's just, I'm now a man is just being treated like a cat.

And then he fired him from work. So then no one will know who the care that he's gone. So I think that he does get turned into a cat because he stirs briefly in his arms unless he the man is a totally big man dressed as a cat, he stirs briefly in his arms, unless he the man. That's why he's holding a big man dresses a cat. A big weird German man. Okay. And he does say I reach up to finger the bell around my

now. Hands are bound. His hands are bound. Yeah. So he does. He is. My hair is crusted chin type with. Yeah. Yeah.

Cat cats don't have hands. And as far as I know, I know what you're saying. Isn't that one video where it's cat has hands? I know. You're like a YouTube video. This famous work cat has hands. I don't have hands. And as far as I know, I know what you're saying. Isn't that one video where it's cat has hands? I know. I don't know. I don't know, but I do like the image of a cat that has, that still walks on all fours like a cat, but it has human hands.

The cat with hands. It's an old YouTube video. Look, you can see, look, it's got this cat. It's got little baby hands like this. You see that? It's an old YouTube video. Look, you can see, look, it's got this cat. It's got little baby hands like this. You see that? It's cool. It's all right. I think it's cool. You know, you know, you, but you don't give a cat full human hand. You give a cat tiny human hands. See, I like the full human hands. I think it's disconcerting. Now, look, it turns a man into a cat. That's fun. But I think it's more disconcerting if you give the cat like a four year old's hands. Like if the cats, if the cats hands,

the same size as its paws. You mentioned a cat with a full adult man's dick. That would be weird. Full dick and balls. Yeah. Bottom of the cat. No, one of my favorite old internet blogs is Liarshtown USA. And yeah.

Yeah. A whole calendar. Cats with like a human Dixon ball. Oh, it was birds with Dicks. Oh, yeah. Birds with dick and ball. I love it. I'm gonna lick that up.

Birds with human Dicks. I'm looking this up. Just like'm gonna lick that up. Barts with human dicks. I'm looking this up. Just look at Bert's and Dick's cow. Yeah. Barts with human penises. I have to visual joke. And you can't hear.

You can't. You just look it up yourself. Oh, that is good. That's a huge mess. I'm just looking up your cell. Oh my God. Oh, that is good. That's a huge mess. Yeah, just look up. That's good. Oh. Oh.

Oh, all right. All right. Here we go. Here we go. Yeah. Oh. Yes. Yeah, bless.

I love it. See it. I love you. I love you. Meditation. You're there. You should be good. You used to, yeah, Liarsson USA, he actually released a whole book. It's incredible.

Fly from North Korea. No, here we go. Here we go. And this is a real story. This really happened. It's called, this one's for Kaylee. But Taylor Fever. What I entered the contest on Patreon to win one of the 100 in-person tickets to the

last podcast and left network talent show live stream. I was not expecting to win. And when I got the email with my ticket, I almost didn't believe it was real. I was going to attend the newest live stream where all the people, even all the interns. We don't have interns. We don't have interns. We pay every single person that we avoid. A living wage.

A living wage. A living health insurance. Yes. So that they are indebted to us. Right, they're denied us. Yeah, because the system is broken. Yes. And they were going to be showcasing a talent that they have.

This is a great idea though, actually. I'm not doing this. All right, you don't want to? No, I don't want to do this. You're always trying to get me to do stuff. Yeah, man. Cardi got enough stuff to do. Content.

I have so much shit to do. The never ending mall of content, chews and chews, you swallows and shit. I have so many duties and things to do every week already. He said, duties. You just want to buy one more. No, you want it all fucking cow. Hey, what are you working on now? We're going to Los Angeles. all fucking cow. Hey, what are you working on now?

We're gonna Los Angeles. That's how it is. What are you working on now? There we go. See, we go. The night of the show came. And I was so anxious. I showed up in the atmosphere with much more relax

and chill than I was expecting. Yeah, that's what everyone says. It's chill, man. Everyone is always so anxious and weirded out. And we're very normal. It's a very good time. I grabbed a drink from the open bar, open bar. I was very expensive for us.

Oh, yeah. And they tried to mingle with the 99 other fans who had won a place here soon, holds and stepped up on stage. And I'll say we will settle in because the talent show would start soon. Then he immediately belted out a somewhat impressive karaoke version of my Humps by Fergie. Hmm. I think you probably do get it started, but the original one. Yeah, but I did. Yeah, not the woke version.

Not the woke version of Let's Get It Started by the Black Eyed Peas. The original. It's really an all-channel. It's a really hard to find a hard, hard to find a karaoke. That's a good thing about karaoke, though, is you can say whatever you want. But whatever words you want in that song. he finished everyone applauded the lights are a Demony now it's that we would be officially starting the evening with Natalie doing an aerial performance I was so happy. I had been wanting to see you're in person for so long

Yeah, and I had a great spot in the crowd I was close enough to the front that I could see the stage perfectly But not too close to where Henry and Marcus were mingling with the other people from the network and some bands. Mingling. I wanted to introduce myself, of course, but I was waiting until the throng of people trying to get their attention thin so that I would chance to actually getting close. You know how it is with us celebrities. Yeah, it's I have many times in my life had to deal with yeah, throngs is a big it's a big part of my life Dealing with throngs. I would say takes up Most of my days throw

Now I watch Natalie she started performing and there I saw her look towards where Henry was standing and her facial expression went curious for a split second I looked over at the small crowd that still surrounded the boys and only saw Marcus. Hi, that explained the look on Natalie's face. Wait, it was him. We I scanned the crowd and that's when I saw it. Henry was nestled up looking cozy in the corner with another woman chatting for a ferociously or hey, now, hey, who chats? How do you chat for us? Hey, hey, hey, I've done that. I have done you have, yeah, I've chat. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I've done that. I have done you have. Yeah, I've, I've chat. Hey, hey, I look back and Natalie frantically hoping she couldn't see what I was seeing from her vanded point on today. Well, I'll guys, as if she could read my thoughts, she immediately looked directly at Henry

and the woman he was talking to in the corner. Her face contorted into what I can only describe as a snarl. The crowd didn't seem to notice, but they paid attention when she stopped her act and called two members of security on stage. She whispered something in their ears and smiled. They continue with the act. A few murmurs spread out through the crowd. They're still deeply enthralled by her and kept watching.

So you're sure to guys that grabbed the woman and brought her onto the stage. I couldn't believe my eyes. The woman that influenced me, did you read this in advance? I know. The woman Henry had been canutal in the corner, was Casey Anthony. This had to be part of the show somehow. It's been in South Florida because I don't think she leaves South Florida. No, she doesn't. Like the great actor, she has proven herself to be Casey was doing an incredible job

but looking scared. Security. Security held Casey places Natalie's assistant prepared for her part of the finale where Natalie would be ablaze. Is that a part of her show? She has been set on fire for photos and stuff. She's a photo. She's inflaming Ariel's and stuff. Sure, sure. Yeah, it's cool.

It's dangerous. I don't know why she doesn't. Mm-hmm. Very scared. Her legs caught fire and she immediately wrapped them tightly around Casey's neck. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Okay. It's cool. It's dangerous. I don't know why she doesn't. Mm-hmm. Very scary. Her legs caught fire and she immediately wrapped them tightly around Casey's neck. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Casey started to panic. I was starting to think this was in a planned part of the show. Natalie's muscular thighs were squeezing Casey's now also flaming head. Her face was turning purple. That's when Natalie squeezed her thighs together with

what seemed like superhuman strength and pulled upward as hard as she could, pulling herself higher with her arms as Casey's neck began to stretch like silly buddy. Casey's hair was falling off and flaming clumps as the skin and her neck ripped apart. You could hear the tendon stretching and stepping. People in the crowd began to vomit. It was horrifying. We couldn't look away. Natalie pulled Casey's head off her body with so much force and a flu off the stage and

landed somewhere behind the crowd. That's a, where it is. Yeah, it just ends. Just killing what was the rest of the talent show like? I think then I probably sang. Yeah. And I think you probably, what would you do? I don't really have set the match with your feet again.

Yeah. Well, that's, I tried to recreate that for the subathon. I really was just a, it was a lucky day. You say this, but I think that you're about right time, right place. Yeah, being in the zone, you can make a lot of shit out. I can, I can do a lot of strange things with my feet. I can control, I actually do like to use my feet quite a bit

for, you know, various things. But I'm saying, I think you could still do it. I can't, I actually do like to use my feet quite a bit for, you know, various things. But I'm saying, I think you could still do it. I can't, I mean, I can still do it. I just can't do it consistently. Because I, I practiced quite a bit for this up around home. Now, I was at home. I feel like if you were on camera,

forced to do it. You think that I, I perform well under pressure. Under pressure. Yeah, I do perform well under pressure, but I, you know, I feel like I perform well under under pressure. Under pressure. Yeah, I do perform well under pressure, but I, you know, I feel like I have more to offer this world. Unfortunately, no, I don't think. I, fortunately no.

Well, if I, okay, if I made it a suite of feet base tricks, then yes, okay, then it would, because that's what Marcus says, that's what my, what he does is it feet. Here it comes. You're doing his fucking feet thing feet stuff. That's that would be that would be my that would be my town is feet stuff. Feet. How do you like it? You push me. How do you like it now? Yeah, yeah, I'm upset. All right, this next one, this is by Daniel Brock. It's called, well, you know what? I'm not going to say what it's called. Yeah, because then people might know because I think it will bust the ending because I think,

yeah, I think it gives away the ending, but I'll give a hint. One. I don't know what to do. Yeah. I was when it was automatically, but I've been told I can be a bit of a negative Nelly. Some of my friends have even jokingly asked me, what's the WCS? When we have a situation to handle, WCS,

worst case scenario. What's the scenario? Worst case scenario, WCS, what's the WCS, bro? I've never heard that before, but I'm gonna use that for now. Yeah, they do that in love, but if they knew how right there were, I doubt they'd make jokes.

My mind is full of horrible things that will never happen. Well, almost never. And that's the scariest part. Sooner or later, one of my thoughts will come true. So when I noticed my Adam's apple getting bigger, the thoughts came intruding, a goiter, by-by-love life, a soft-as-y-oh cancer, by-by-life.

Wow. What if I ate my twin in the womb, now it was growing in my throat by by sanity? But even I couldn't guess what was actually beneath the bulbous protrusion of my throat. It took about a week for my rather soft and small Adam's apple to noticeably swell to almost British proportions. I find that statement to be untrue. I mean, I have seen, you mean it's telling me that you have not seen a bunch of hawk necked,

fucking British like that. It's very, very, they got thin ass necks around. They do, they do, we do, but I still think it's British proportions fine. My friends noticed that they didn't say anything. It was their turn to think the worst, but unlike me, they kept it to themselves. I tried to tell my parents and ask them about it,

but I was in college at a state, and they just assumed it was my WCS acting up. They didn't even acknowledge the picture I sent them, even though it looked like a ping pong ball, it was lodging in my neck. I can't say a blame them. They grew up with me after all. They know me. It was 19 days after I noticed the swelling that the shit hit the fan. By this point, it looked like I had swallowed a job breaker hole

like in that movie. Job breaker. Was that what that movie was about? No, but I think they choked to death with the job breaker. I believe. That's fine. I fine. I should remember Rose McGowan's boobies in it. Yeah That's mostly what you're a member. Yeah, I was trying to get Natalie to dress as Rose McGowan from scream with the boobies on it. Mm-hmm She said no She's just wearing a green sweater and a skirt. Yeah, cuz I do have that outfit memory. No me too I know what you mean. She said no. Yeah, she's not gonna walk around all night with a garage door. I'm gonna be with the garage door. Yeah, she was mad about it. Yeah. My friends and family, even my professors and classmates completely ignore my condition, despite my almost constant cries for help.

Help, help, help, help. I was alone in my dorm when I began to choke slowly at first, but the pressure mounted until I ran to the bathroom. My reflection was a disgusting mess of fear, panic, and the sweaty bulge of my neck. Then it moved. The bulge moved. Not down as I tried endlessly to swallow it, but up, up towards my mouth, towards freedom. I couldn't help but think it was finally happening. I waking nightmares coming through. Something was inside me and it was coming out. The rinse stick. I read to the toilet dropping to my knees and throw the lid open. The feeling of it moving in the bag of my throat was terrifying.

The round is the hardest. I gag. I didn't have it. I gag me. Feeling my stomach launchinged and my throat, my health felt like it was gonna explode. My ears went down through the straight up, my eyes streamed as I gagged me again! Ugh! It was in my mouth! Stunned, she'd been drowning! It's like that!

We've lost the words. I gag! We've lost the words. We've lost the words. I got you. We've lost the words. I got you again. A bile came up. Toilet water splashed by faces air rushed into my lungs. I coughed, crying, and gulped down air, falling away from the toilet.

It was over. What was it? The worst. It was just beginning. It took a while for my anxiety to let me look over the wet ram of the toilet. Yeah. When I did I be concerned. I mean, like, this is the, this is like the janitor handle this. What I did, my mind began to race there in the water mixed mixed with some orange bile, bit of blood, streaked through it, was an egg. An egg!

A hole, intact. Egg! Whoa! That was when the thoughts came intruding. Had I somehow swallowed this egg hole? I didn't know that. Had I naturally burst this egg, the insides of which were my self-fertilized spawn. Was this some kind of curse, a family secret?

That would help explain my parents not acknowledging it. Yeah, sure. Was it even real? See, your parents were also vomiting of eggs. Maybe that's the thing is that it's a family secret, is that maybe my parents are vomiting up eggs, and but they're too ashamed to talk about vomiting up eggs. Although, I don't know if it's both of my parents,

that would mean that either they're in bread or the egg curse is also an STD, like it follows. They're all chickens. I would imagine probably just one of my parents has the egg curse. I would hope so and then it's a recessive gene. But the worst thought came just as I fished the egg from the toilet water and held it in my palm. It moved at my touch. So I knew it was very real.

The worst case scenario was this egg wasn't supposed to come out at all. Prominent. What if it was meant to choke me to death? To silence me and my negativity once and for all. Why? After all, for the entire school, not acknowledge my neck. Egnolage my neck.

Egnolage my neck. Please. Please, we've been Andrew. We've all asked you to please stop screaming. Egnolage your neck. Egnolage my neck. Were they sick of my brain? Were they?

Yes. From Ignite, they would not acknowledge my neck because they are sick of my brain. I hate your brain. Where are my friends? The egg moved again, almost in response to my screaming of my brain and my neck. You visually people have to be, then, just a sliver of a crack appeared in the shell.

I would soon know what was inside. And when I did, if the egg burst the whore that I somehow knew it would, then every what? Friends and family included With experience My worst case scenario I do feel like that if you knew that that was your worst case scenario That's fucking very Really where's case scenario is an egg I vomit egg and no one believes

It's gonna crack and then I said me do a mental Like if I said that to you if I said me like Mark is you know That thought like when you the worry that you're gonna throw up and then tack egg and then the eggs gonna crack And then it's gonna be like I imagine honestly my head a little tiny man You'd probably be like you know Henry We all been asking ourselves. What is it in reticup? Yeah? Honestly, my head a little tiny man. You'd probably be like, you know, Henry, we all been asking ourselves, we're like, why does Henry tick a breed? Yeah, it's like, do you know about like these exhaustion?

That's like what they say. Oh, yeah, like exhaustion. Oh, yeah, I could go to an exhaustion camp. Yeah, I just wear this wig, it's like stapled to my head. I love that story. So many good like, we, that head. I love that story. I love it so many good, like, we, get that story.

That's what I love is weird. I want it to be weird and strange and unsightly. I have this, this is a real story. I want to tell. This is a quick one though. All right, this is a real story. Takes place in McDonald's. I like this story.

I love this story. Because I had some ones, I have a bunch of other real ones. I think I'm actually going to save it for next week when we do side stories. Sure. Because we're going to do, like it's going to be recorded on Halloween. But it's like, so I'll do a little bit of the leftover stuff that we have that it's like more reality based, but not as fun as the stuff that we've been reading. And this is more theatrical.

Very much, this is fun Halloween. That's why I'm wearing my Spider-Man costume. There's some I have stuff that it's like, you know, several people who've seen Little Girl Ghosts, a couple other things. It's like, well, that stuff does creep me out, especially because we've been covering it on the radio show and open lines on Sirius XM, Monday's at 6 p.m. PST, we've been covering people's haunted stories. It's being haunted. There's been awesome, really creepy shit. But, you know, we'll hit it next week. This one though, this one's good.

I was a teenager in the early 2000s. This happened to a guy, I knew named Jordan. Yeah, it's my middle name. Yeah, I know. I just Jordan Parks. I give a fucking bag, you know. It was in the West Edmonton Mall in Alberta. For those of you who don't know,

it's something similar to the Mall of America with the Water Park and theme park. I think I remember this when we were in Alberta. There's like, they talked about this, and you go see it? We went to Alberta. Long time ago. No, I think, okay, yeah, but isn't Alberta,

oh God. We went to Alberta, right? In Calgary, okay. It's Calgary. We went to Alberta, right? In Calgary. It's Calgary. We went to Calgary, which is in Alberta. Oh fuck. I don't know. I think Edmonton is in Alberta, and Calgary is also in Alberta.

It is in Alberta. We are in Calgary. Yeah, we're in Calgary. It's a cowboy town. Yeah, it is. No, it reminded me very much of Lubbock. Yes. Don't say that. You know what I mean?

I it reminded me of Lubbock back when Lubbock wasn't so meaningful because Calgary is a big city. Yeah, and so I mean Lubbock is a town of like 240,000. Oh, I just forget it's that Rochester. Rochester is the dead. Yeah, yeah, it is a horrible. Yeah, Lubbock Calgary reminds me of Lubbock back when Lubbock was still cool. And it wasn't full of a horrible mean, mean, mean people. Good contextual. Let's go ahead and say pre 2016. Sure. Lubbock. Actually, let's say like 2004.

Generous. Very generous. Now, they call this the poor Canadian Disneyland. Especially back then, there were two passes. Jordan and his friends were in the McDonald's. There's like a standalone restaurant fused to the mall. Yeah, they had to take it down. Good.

So he went to the McDonald's bathroom, bad. And he goes to the stall and he sits down. And after a little while, he notices that someone enters the stall next to him. Suddenly, the guy next to him is wide eyed, peering down at him over the top of the stall. And he's scared. So in panic, he stands up to try and get his pants back up and cover his dick.

And in that short amount of time, the man jumps onto the floor, half slides into Jordan's stall. He reaches into Jordan's toilet, crams a handful of shit into his mouth. He then makes eye contact with Jordan and gives him a big shit covered smile. Jordan is losing it. He runs out of the bathroom and told his friends that they have to get the fuck out of there. They ran to the mall, found security. Jordan was like, you're never gonna believe this.

And he tells a story to two security guards. Just look at one another and one says, oh, God, he's back. He's back He's back. Oh god Winded yet. I mean I thought we got rid of him. Well, many times just now four times I tell people to stop shitting in the bathroom I know you got up, but you saved it for home because all that guy's gonna do is make a medicine for himself I can't help he wish he could help himself. It can't.

No one needs help. He's not fucking shit. No, I know it inconveniences all the rest of us. But we need to change rules for this one man because we're too afraid to confront him. Because that's the problem. So that guy has held that place hostage. He really has.

We're very long time. I do want to look this up. If there are more, man who eats shit. I don't think he ever hit the news because if he hit the news I feel like we would I feel like we would I feel like the person who sentenced that email would have linked it dude Mystery of the West Edmonds and Malt poopy. What what? from red What

Around a winter 2000 to 2003 I'm a young man pooping in the phase two public bathroom at W.A.M I finished my biz and just about the flush. A random guy slides into the barrier of the adjacent stall in a mine and snatches my fresh turds out of the bowl and chubbler was mouth. He's gonna acknowledge her, make eye contact with me. He's just a crazed poop eating frenzy. What?

He was a white guy with a shaved head. Well, we thought at the time, look like Mark Messier. He's a hockey player. No, yeah, no, I'm a hockey player. I back away, I leave the washroom. What? This is anything happened to a classmate of mine, also a WM, WM.

Also apparently a state of coming on TV, also talked about the West Edmonton Mall poop eater. What? Oh my God. So this just, this is real. This is like a thing. This is like a thing. The first comment, I had a coworker tell me a similar story, except this guy slid a note under the stall,

also at the West Edmonton Mall. What? I heard about the same guy. He apparently worked, slash worked at the same place. I do. Side stories, L-P-O-T-L-A-G-M-L-D-C-M. If you have had an experience, the West Edmonton Mall poop eater who looks like Mark Messier. God, he must love that. He must. Yeah. Oh, wow. So this

other comment said that the one that said that the poop eater works at his job said that he got caught at the job. But since there were union, he didn't get fired. reunion he didn't get fired. And that's why you got to join sack. That is the reason why because they protect you in circumstances such as these. Wow. Yeah. Man, you and that just comes from me googling man

who eats shit at Edmonton Mall. And another one says, I assure you this isn't made up years ago. I work security for a few malls in the city. And this was a common occurrence. We'd have mall patrons tell us that they were handed a note under the stall saying, please don't flush the toilet. One day while I was handed a note while taking a bathroom break,

we hauled this old guy in the office and cops processed and photographed him and banned him from the mall. Cops came and took him away. So I'm not sure what happened to him from there but I do know that this guy wasn't the only one doing this. Wow. We repeated this process for over a dozen guys over a couple of year period. What? He wasn't the only one doing this.

We repeated this process for a dozen? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm so fucking glad. Just Canadian, we got this happened. I'm so glad we found this is just, this is new lore. It really is the Canadian West Edmonton Mall Poopie. God bless, you know, it really takes, it takes all types. It does, it's, you know, and I just can't wait to get back to Alberta. It's, guess what, I got one brewing. And I wonder if he decides, but the cut of your jib.

Wait, he watches it. Well, it seems to me like he just looks underneath the stall because the person that's in the email said that they got in first and some, then the poop eater followed after them. I wonder if he does it. I guess there's still like, it's not like he'd come. So it's like there's no like regeneration time.

You can eat shit all day. Yeah, you can. You're probably loved to. But I actually wonder, do you think there's a method on here where you could eat your own? Or you think it's about the shock of eating a man's shit by its own surprise?

I think it would be like trying to give yourself a massage. Like it wouldn't really work, you know. It's just like that. massage, like it wouldn't really work, you know. It's just like that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, it's just like, yeah, you try to tickle yourself. Yeah, yeah, it's not going to work. Yeah, you know, you would be surprised what comes out of it. This is an incredible episode.

Yes. Well, I can't believe we ended this with just like really, wow, the true mystery, a true mystery. Uh, I want to thank everybody that this with just like really wow the true mystery a true mystery Uh, I'm gonna thank everybody that came out to the LPN beach blanket bingo. We did this a little bit last week I was like thank you guys so much. It was so much fun Everybody watched it on stream. We want to thank you so much. Thank you. Um, especially if you spend your days Cruising the West Edmonton mall eating shit because you just gave us a whole pile of content. You really did Thanks you're a literal a literal pile of content

So you make sure you live every day Find in a hobby Literally anything but sitting inside bathroom stalls waiting for a man to shit and crawling under there and trying to eat his shit You know, it's a wonderful hobby collecting comment books. And we've got a new comic book out right now, Operation Sunshine, on Dark Horse comics. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You're going to love reading our comic book and wondering exactly where all the twisting turns may take you because sometimes you're going to laugh in our book, but sometimes you're

going to cry. Sometimes you'll be frightened. Sometimes you'll be excited because it's got laughter and comedy and drama It's all right, but you sound like a six-year-old trying to get somebody to come to their play. Yes Come what's called I gotta get my triple else the play that you wrote I gotta get through my triple else and sometimes you get nice to wrap a plug into it. You love laugh loves? Yeah, huh? That's nice. It's what I do. That is what you do. It's my function.

It's a great common book. David Rubin did the artwork. It's an absolutely incredible. David Rubin. David Rubin, obviously because I've, you know, because I've seen that post, I'm going to be like, oh, you had David Rubin do this? Just be like, no, yeah.

Yes. Yeah, we had a fuck, we got an alt-right guy to draw a bunch of fucking stick figures. Yes, of course. David Rubin had these kind of fucking ability. All right, no, David Rubino is an extremely talented artist who from his bed. He made us stuff so good.

He's so fucking talented. He's incredible. Yeah, and we can't wait for it. So go out to your local comic book store, ask for it by name. My name. And if I don't know if there's a second printing coming, if your local store is all sold out, but if they don't have it, ask for by and hopefully they can order for you and if you're in here in LA

Go to earth to if you're out in New York City Be sure to go to action City Comics. That was my whole place out in Greenpoint And if you're in West Texas be sure to swing by Starbucks and comics for all your comic book needs the best best god damn Comic-Store in the world. You guys are the best. Hail, sweet say. Oh, I'm a hellgun. And a happy Halloween.

To you, I know to week out, but next week's episode's gonna be out after Halloween, so this is your Halloween episode. Yeah, that's why I'm wearing the Spider-Man. Except for this week's Scope Story on last podcast and the left, which I think is gonna really make you upset. It's gonna really make you upset.

We're sure we're excited about it. Hmm. Bye. Bye. Bye. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to,

go to lastpodcastnetwork.com. Network.com.