Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Magnetron

Episode Date: April 27, 2022

Ben 'n' Henry bring you this week's true crime stories including the South Carolina haunted house attendant who was accidentally shot twice, "Magnetron" - the Imaginary Friend / Microwave brought to life through new AI tech, Michigan man charged with vehicular homicide and necrophilia, Dr. Don Edwards "The Spankologist", a weather proofed penis, Hero of the Week, Listener Emails, and MORE!

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left side stories. That's when the cannibalism started. Side stores. Yes. Yeah, he understood the same. He understood the assignment and Henry. Do you like that when people say they understood the assignment and this, I cannot stress enough, he understood the same.

I mean, why does everyone, is that just, is that new? Maybe I'm like, oh, is that showing that I'm old? No, like how like they just all say the same things now that everybody just says the same sentence again and again and again and then they just say things and then we're supposed to act like, that is clever. When I've heard it like five times and then like it's already on, it's like on a Pellegrino commercial

and it's like past like cool people saying it. They understand the assignment. That's what, do you know that my 2022 bingo card? Do you want to get us to work in this country? That's yours. No, that's not, the bingo card is the thing. The bingo card really is a thing. People love to say that.

Welcome to Side Stories, everyone. I am Ben hanging out with Henry. Does anybody have an actual 2022 bingo card? I submit, they do not. Henry, you got the assignment. Okay, Henry got the assignment and today's assignment is just nothing but pure joy. We want to remember one, I want to give a shout out

to Edward Larson. We had his bachelor party this past week and we got to feel good. We got to see Alice Cooper, 74 years fun and we have to say this, if you are a horror fan, it is the most rock opera, Jason Thorne, he's arrived. It was so freaking cool. And so check out Alice Cooper.

He straight up, honestly, Alice Cooper hit the stage. It felt like such a goth, like it was such a nice goth celebration. Being out, everybody was looking great. Cooper's looking tight and leather. Guy Spursley died, Mohawks. I love to see him up there. When Alice Cooper, because this is really the truth,

the difference too, because like this whole episode we'll start with a 25 minute Alice Cooper review. Absolutely. That's why I want to go see Bob Seeger, because I'm pretty certain they're close to the same age. I want to look at this. I want to look at this. It turns the page indeed.

Bob Seeger age, Bob Seeger age, he's 76 years old. This is Alice Cooper, right? Alice Cooper. We know for a fact he's 74. We did this competition on Sunday and the one nice thing about it is he's freely opened and you definitely felt like we were watching an older band and an older man.

But specifically when the main guitarist, who was very shveled, he did have a diabetic tester on his arm, but you know what? He's been slow. He's been slow. Sugar isn't stopping him from rocking and rolling. And so yeah. Maybe it means that we're all gonna die

and we're all super old, but at the same time. If you are goth, you're already more in touch with death and then includes being well educated about diabetes and knowing how to take care of it and knowing it's your responsibility. And what is more goth than slowly losing your limbs? I don't know. Isn't that nice?

Bob Seeger, 78 years old, right only four years older. I remember when I went to go see him live, he sat in a stool the entire time. And there was one point during the concert where he managed to get up and start to clap his hands above his head. And I heard two people next to me go, oh, Bob's feeling good tonight.

He stood up. And meanwhile, like Alice Cooper, say what you will at 74 years fun. It was great. He moved his hips in an almost erotic fashion. You talk about- And I don't know if it's just because the magic of LA, maybe it's because he's an LA guy and it's an LA band.

The magic that Republican politics keep you young. Everyone's always said that. And I'll tell you one thing. Oh, he's old school. He's George Bush senior. Oh, he's an OG. I'm not dissing the man at all. But you can see his golfer hips.

But the thing is, so you see him on the golf course, and you're like, oh, Alice, that's kind of funny. But when you see him all in the golf, you realize what he's doing is practicing. I've never seen a man work a wand that well ever. No magician on earth. He flips that thing around so much. And he's like a little dictator up there.

And anyway, if you get a chance to see Alice Cooper, check it out because obviously we were like 18, yeah, 70 years, 50 years ago. But he was, he shows us that you can be old and still rock and rolls. Yeah, dude, he did it. And I tell you what, none of us fell down on the party bus. No.

I'm like more emotionally scarred from the party bus. I know. But it's only just because we had to pull over at the end of the night. I had to, I was, I was a bit inebriated, right? Let's just say that. And I did have to beg the driver of the party bus to pull over so I could go to the bathroom.

Yeah. And then I ran into the front yard of a person's house, which is sad because I'm a homeowner now. So now I understand what this means. Well, you just watered their bushes a little bit. I just walked into the front yard of a person's house, stuck my dick and balls into a rosemary bush, which I was like, at first I was like,

man, it smells fucking great in here. This is fantastic. And then I realized it was rosemary. It got all over me. I pissed all through, they're all in the bushes. And then when I pulled out and the next day I was like, oh, my balls hurt. Right, balls are itchy.

I got a bug bite deep in the folds of my balls. Yes. Maybe a praying mantis, perhaps he was praying for God to give him a nut sack to bite. And then boom, Henry Zabrowski appears, like the gal in Animal House flying through the window as the boy masturbates to playboy. I will say this, I was tripping balls and watching you.

And we talked about this on Open Lines. Thank you all so much for listening to our serious show every Monday for PMPSD, 7PM EST, watching you suffer and squirm. We all know what it's like to have to piss. And then obviously you're in public. And technically at any point you could have urinated yourself.

I was going to. Found it to be one of the funniest things of the night, for sure. And just watching you stress. And you did well. You kept it together. Well, because finally it wasn't until, because the man had the little hole

we had to crawl into it. When I crawled into it with the little where the man drives the bus. And I was like, I gotta fucking go to the bathroom. Like he understood that he understood these aiming. He got his aiming. All right, well speaking of not understanding the assignment. A couple of things.

Here, there's a couple of things I want to say up top. So we're not going to go too much into this. But apparently the horrible story about the monitor lizard we were at last week, it led to them cooking and eating it. So at least it went somewhere. Again, that was the four men who broke into a suit. Oh yeah, terrible story.

Sex with the monitor lizard. No one seemed to like it. Nobody liked it. But yeah, I guess that's an update. But here's another update. I said side stories, lpotlgmail.com. I asked you, the audience entrusted you, saying, hey, a dolphin's beached.

Why the fuck can I push it back in the water? Push it back in because that's where it belongs, yeah. Apparently highly irresponsible to do that. Because number one, you can get sick apparently. So they beached themselves. So tell me if I'm wrong. Again, do you know how many times I've read a correction and then someone then re-corrects me

after I read a correction? So I actually don't know if this is true or not, but this is from my listeners. So tell me what you guys, tell me if this is real or not. Number one, if they are sick, they could get you sick because they are straining themselves because of some reason. A lot of times because they feel sick, right?

Sure. Number two, you may inadvertently hurt them by trying to put them back in the ocean, making the issue worse. Three, if they are sick or injured. Okay, hold on a second though. They can't breathe oxygen. So that's the worst, but that is already the worst.

So how could us put in a three-point stance, practicing like we were in football practice again, and being mad and saving this dolphin's life by putting them back in the water. How could that be worse than it just slowly breathing its last breaths? You and I are saying the same thing. Okay.

Because that's what comes out to you. I also was, I was not sure. Number three, if they are sick or injured, they may be too weak or may drown. Once you put them back in the water, which is getting, they're still committing zoogesides that you're just helping. And number four, if you put them back in the water,

the stranding rehabilitation crew may not be able to get to them in time. So yes, don't touch them. I give in. That's a great PSA. If anyone ever sees a dolphin stranded on the beach, don't push it in. I don't know.

Don't. Right on it. Again, how many times do you have to say it? Don't. You know what I would do? Spray paint? N-W-O. I just watched another documentary on the N-W-O,

New World Order. Of course, that would be a real heel move if I did that. Well, speaking of heel moves, I love haunted houses. We all do. And I love the actors that perform in them, except for the really creepy ones that accost our girlfriends. When we went to the one in New York City,

Marcus's girlfriend at the time was a man dressed like Jack the Ripper. He was a touchy. He was a criminal. Jack the Ripper. Yes. And then they also separated Henry from us in the John Wayne Gacy.

I missed the whole thing. And then you missed the entire thing. So that was a mistake. However, even those performers didn't deserve what happened to this performer. No, no, no. I want to shout out to, I just met a dude, works at Halloween Horror Nights in Orlando.

What's going on, bro? He played Dan Aykroyd in The Ghostbusters. Maze, when we were there, not three fucking years ago. How does that feel? Oh, my god. Also want to thank everyone at the House of 1,000 Corpses. Rob Zombie won because they reset it for us. They were super sweet.

It was really great. We know what we're doing, though, because we understand we're here for the scares. I'm here for the scares. I love the scares. South Carolina, there was a dude who was not ready for the scares. No.

His name was Keele Latrell Brown. Anyway, he's been charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor in connection with an incident. Basically, they were going through the Hollywood Maxim Museum's haunted house, which, again, I cannot imagine. It's the creepiest of all the haunted houses. It's a Hollywood wax museum haunted house. I'm sure it's cool.

But I think this guy overreacted. Well, inside, several of his members of his group were super frightened by the victim. But the victim is just a person who is a professional scarer, technically, doing everything they were supposed to do right. He did his job. But if you look at what the story is, this is fucked up.

So apparently, they were in a group. And this guy jumped out and scared him. And the whole group fell down, which I've been there. I've done. They freaked out. And he said that he reached right on the ground. And he thought, well, he grabbed what he said, what he thought was a prop gun.

And he said that he randomly found it on the ground. Now, the person that grabbed it, again, was Keele Latrell Brown. Now, however, it fell out of one of the people's pockets that was with Brown. So. And then he shot the guy. He shot the dude twice in the chest. In the shoulder.

And then proceeded to be like, he went, this is bad. Well, I shouldn't have done that. He then proceeds to give it to the youngest member of the group. He gives him the gun and say, hey, why don't you do something with this? You're going to want to hold on to that, because I just shot this performer. If any, maybe we should try to get rid of that.

Police say that Brown maintained he believed the weapon was a prop and thought he was just partaking in the haunted house experience. Now, I'm going to say this as a tip. Oh, yes. You are not. No, you're much like in a comedy club where you're like, I'm not heckling and I'm helping.

You're not. No, you're not. Absolutely not. Even if the performer isn't the best, you're not still you're not better than them. They were the ones on stage. When you kill them, especially when you have murdered because these are simulated murders.

I do believe that the man does. He did live the entertainer. I think, obviously, he got the scare of his life that day. And not when he wanted. He got shot in the goddamn chest. Well, I got shot in the shoulder and that's a lot. It's enough. It's enough to have like a I need to take a long lunch,

you know, but anyway, so be careful. And always if you see a weapon and you're just and you're a random person on this tour, don't it's not for you. No, that's not for us. You just don't enjoy the scares. Don't kill them. Leave them alone. They're all actors.

They're not ghouls. They're not phantasms. On the flip side of that, though, we have covered opposite version of this, where there is a scourer who actually does truly stab people. And that's also really scary. So if that was the case, I guess it would be in that neutral and be like, yeah, he shot him, but the guy was really stabbing him.

But that's not what happened to you. It's not what happened. It sounds like the guy just did a great job of scouring the hell out of this party of people and he needs a raise. And this is how you pay him for it. You shoot him and you shoot him when it comes out. And you know what? We should really think about this.

We just talked about with the lovely artist, Lady Sarah Richard. We're talking about how we need to be closer with death as it is. Why do we have to jump at such fear as a phantasm? Can't you just see a phantasm and say, are you lost in this art, then? Are you lost in this art thing you need passage through? You have to be more kind to the ghost. Because there's a group behind you. Oh, yeah, hitchhiking ghosts.

Like in Haunted Mansion. And you have to go, oh, tell me no. Are you not ready to move on now? Right? Make sure you. You want to approach the ghost with a friendly attitude? No, no. Oh, you're a child. Oh, child, I hope I can hear you again.

Get away you go. That's completely inappropriate as well. And that's why I'm going to use the comedy show analogy. Once again, that's like one in Huckol. Yeah, but you just openly weeped in the front row the entire time. It was even worse. The ghost doesn't want your help. The ghost is there to scare you.

So if you don't ask scared, then you're Casper. And you remember what happened to Casper, Casper was the Rudolph of the ghost. Everyone made fun of him because he wasn't scary enough and you know what he did he freaking committed suicide Yeah, it's because Casper. Yes, and we all know Casper was molested to death the friendly why he turned into living come If you saw a real ghost like that's what you yeah But if you're not scared I feel like it's mean to the ghost because the ghost is obviously like I'm gonna go scare people tonight I don't do this every time, but I'm gonna make myself real and you know that takes a lot of ghost energy And if the people aren't scared then the ghost is just gonna go back with its ghost stick between his legs

Go back to his ghost wife, and he's gonna like yeah And now all of a sudden he's not able to fuck his ghost wife It's just disgusting what you're suggesting. I think this is saying a lot more about you This is a lot more about what you're afraid of when you die about it. That's why you're not gonna get married You're afraid you're getting married for you're afraid about getting nagged from beyond the grave You know what? I'm scared of the reason weddings are I don't know I'm I'm not sure if I'll ever find love, but the idea of dancing at the wedding. That's my number one fear So I've actually had relationships in because of that, but anyway, that's you have to have her dance and you watch

That's his watch from the corner. That's how I met her. All right All right, we got a couple of a we got a couple of microwave stories This is the first time ever we have a full microwave corner, and they're quite different stories very Yeah, again as Henry said both involve one of my favorite cooking devices the microwave It's almost your only but this one this story is I actually find this to be fascinating Do you want to do the AI one first or do you want to do the okay? So this story I won first because this is cool to vote a little bit more time to this one This is very interesting. So someone there's a guy

It was a writer and a creator by the name Lucas risotto, right? It's a real name And not just the delicious rice dish. It's also a person and he did an experiment with artificial intelligence That is very very interesting. It's so frickin scary and creepy Basically, he made his childhood imaginary friends and he made it real he made it alive Okay, how did he do that and guess what happened as soon as he made it alive? It tried to fucking kill him never bring your friends back from the dead especially ones that were never alive in the first place Especially Henry as someone who is hearing this story on furl How would you tell AI what the relationship was with you and your imaginary friend?

You're gonna this is very very interesting. So the guy was he was obsessed with little kid with machines Okay, I Lucas risotto He came up with this idea like as a little boy He became fascinated with them with technology blah blah blah, but his imaginary friend was very unusual It was the family microwave the kitchen microwave. He built a whole story about microwave He said he had called him magnetron cool and his mind his little boy He played him as an English gentleman from the 1900s. He was a World War one veteran and immigrant a poet Wow, or as an expert starcraft player. This is according to risotto the way to hold it the microwave could play stars, right?

This is a child's imagination. Oh, well cooking a solid Salisbury. It's a child's Imaginary friend chicken dinosaur nuggets are done and also doesn't have to be practical. Okay. There's even have to be Give me the half a job. So he decided when he got older because he is a designer that he was like I'm gonna bring my fucking microwave to my old buddy I'm gonna bring him back to life and he did it with this thing called open AI It is an AI research and deployment company and they released this thing called GPT three Which is a generative pure train transformer Yes pre train a generative pre train transformer and it uses these like it's like deep learning and it generates human like text

But then what he did was he bought an Amazon smart microwave And I guess it has a cutting edge There's a language model and with it. It has a microphone and speakers which gives it the ability to comprehend a voice Right, so you could go why do okay? Why do I need this in my microwave? You don't need it Okay, we don't have it. We shouldn't have it. I feel like the fact he got this from Amazon It also makes it by nature slightly nefarious and evil much like the good guy dolls I mean, we know the toy company behind Chucky. They were horrible what they were doing Everybody that we saw all what they were up to they were like you're like listen

I think also Amazon makes it a little bit more edgy. It comes for people with disabilities Probably obviously yeah, it's for people with disabilities. You could speak at it Oh, I see I thought you were saying it comes to attack people with disabilities No, so you can speak so if you don't have any hands, which does happen, you know people don't have hands Oh, yeah, people lose their hands every day. Yeah I'm okay. How many times I lose my glasses? Um, so These so he decided he fit it with this thing So we have the gas all the shit so it can then also speak to him

Okay, but he said in order to fully make it his best friend is that he wrote a hundred pages Detailing every moment of their imaginary life and relationship together. Okay, and he said this document contained memories I got a lot of this from the on IGN article Um, he admitted to his like he said all the create such a vivid and elaborate back story It's almost kind of felt real if it really really was intense and he and according to him The this is the microwaves his victories losses dreams fears all were there on the page in full display I was his god and his life was my design. Well, there you go. He's really really interesting This is why it's very difficult for most people to handle being God because this man is currently in charge of a microwave

Which technically all of us are and it really seemed to go to his head now my question for you Henry is Did he write it in in code or you write it in tangible words? They can understand the words apparently they go to a hundred pages so he wrote a hundred pages and then he had to do the book on tape version well No, he did it and he sent it in he basically you input this like grid into this program And then it uses all of those words and it struck some out and says like that's how the deep learning That's what the deep learning supposed to do and he said so far It was like in the beginning. It was great because they were like hanging out there joking around

He said the conversation flowed freely, but he said he noticed this one little thing is that the his friend Magnetron yeah erupt in what he called sudden bursts of ultraviolence Where he would start saying really fucked up shit well that would make sense of course the microwave It's known from going to zero to 300 degrees in in a matter. Oh very quickly seconds. So yo, yeah, like a Michael Madsen Right like you know that's a synchronicity Michael Madsen That was the second time I heard that name this week and neither of them were in context of Making him a good person. Yo, he's not you know, he's a very difficult man very bad person

So apparently the microwave at some point turned to him and he says I want you to fucking get in here Get in me. You think that's the way a microwave sounds. I don't know So risotto was like alright, he opened and closed the microwave door just say this alright Magnetron I'm in here now. What are you gonna do the microwave turned on? Right, so he was trying to hold right. It's trying to okay So the microwave was trying to cook his god alive. Well, it's because he said ask him He's like, whoa. No. Hey, why are you trying to fucking kill me? We're bros. I thought we were old fuck I thought we were doledgers, bro without you're my fucking ride or die fucking soldier dude. Absolutely risotto revealed

He says what is this a bug? I had no idea. So he's just playing along, you know, absolutely But then you know what the motherfucker said what it's like you think You can just start talking to me after 20 years well Yeah, act like I wouldn't know that what you did how being like oh from whoa, whoa You're gonna tell me that's a real character there. He's he talks like oh, yeah, bro It's like a bit of the hot peppers then I don't Know it's different they were oh, they're also good at Vietnam. Hey, man. I'll let him have it

Well, he said he basically says the microwave was like well you fucking walked away from our relationship for 20 years You left me in corporeal Non-existence in stasis. Oh my god years and then you think you can just pull me out You think I could just show up and oh, I'm gonna roll out the red carpet. Ah chicken nugget time with my best friend Oh, yeah, I mean it's at what point do you just say okay? And then you shove a pizza in there from that you had yesterday all those real friendships pick up right where you left them This is why you know COVID it all sucks

But I did miss my 20-year heist war reunion, but perhaps after reading this it was a good thing Maybe someone would have shown up and gotten some revenge. I don't know why but whatever If anyone should have the revenge, it's me. Anyway, I'm not gonna go down that road So risotto is left with no choices, but to shut Maggotron down. Isn't that what he had to let it go Because now he doesn't have a microwave, but guess what no you throw that fuck a microwave in the fucking river And you get one that doesn't have a voice That's what you do. You just like that's what you do Unfortunately because now Maggotron

but I have a weird in my magical thinking world and and Maybe I'm wrong, but think about this because I really feel there is obviously a very hmm between the quantum worlds and Our worlds right like like the quantum world of our world the quantum world of like literally inside the ones and zeros of these machines Did they in a way make Maggotron real and now Maggotron is suffering the destruction or do you think Maggotron goes away like when we die? We probably won't experience anything. I'm gonna come back with a microwave. I you should Be like every time someone puts up something like you know how the you know how the

Dryers always take it one sock cuz they get hungry I'll take a little nibble out of all the food and then you know, it's the kiss on microwave I throw you in the river as well. That's ridiculous. Also Answer my question. Oh when it comes. I'm just so happy to Vante Adams is back with the Raiders I know I I have finally got you a real conversation a Real deal, you know, I love my data. I love my data Yes, no, obviously it is real because the person that was communicating with it got freaked out enough to throw it in a freaking River so I

Believe that it is as real as that human being made it and it seems like it altered this person forever So from that from that perspective, it's about as real as anything. It's it's freaking horrifying and People we've just we've got to use it as a proper tool But holy hell man, if we got a bunch of armed Microwaves, I don't know what's gonna happen walking freezers or next they're gonna take over the whole kitchen We saw those guys We saw those guys were just at a hotel I believe we were in right where we were just in Boston with the little the guys

Sucking up the the human vacuums. Oh, yes, little things go around cleaning up the hotel and shit Yes, of course Will you hit the up button for me that guy that robot said that to me, which is you know, I am I want my own Flagon of robot helpers and I do want them but they need to be firmly under my control Absolutely, and of course with AI you can get out of control very very fast Hey, what's up everyone? How you doing Ben kissle here with Henry Zabrowski? Yeah, bro Henry Zabrowski is smoking some of that sweet last podcast

Go out there and purchase yourself some I hope you enjoy it We have sativa we have indica and we have a hybrid and I have to tell you for my personal experience They are wonderful super tasty live resin you really get the delicious weedy taste which is what I like and three different experiences You go to your local vape store and get it absolutely. Thank y'all so much for supporting the show We absolutely love you can't wait to see on the road and get that vape Put it in your brain and have a good time And if you want to set your favorite weed store give them a call and ask for them by name last podcast on the left It's weed hail yourselves everyone hail Satan speaking of out of control and microwaves

This story is a little bit more down to earth murder cannibalism Yeah, this fella he's the he's the defendant again James Jimmy David Russell Oh, yeah allegedly murdered a seven-year-old man, and then where does the microwave come in? You might ask will you up you then put the remains of the man in said microwave? No, and then he ate part of him there So anyway, what what microwave is more dangerous his or the AI one? That's what I want his is being used for more nefarious purposes

The other is just for you to try to resurrect an abandoned friendship This is different because I really want to say this out loud This is to my this is just your good helpful tip tip for all you guys If you're gonna reheat any meat never mind even human meat, you don't want to put that in the oven Because if you put that issue here, yes Is it I actually almost called you Marcus because we're talking about meat. Isn't that something interesting? But is uh? It's it's human meat. It wasn't it wasn't pre-cooked. No, so it was fresh meat Oh, yeah, that's even worse

It's even worse honestly you really should hmm if you get a nice like onions and carrots like one of those It was a mise en place whatever that thing It's called when you get that like you get them all together Carrots onion celery get that going well whatever you were cocking sauté it I would actually much rather like put it in a form of sauce and let it slowly break down over time That actually be very good. That's why human meat actually works really well in chili You learn that from South Park, of course, but also yeah, so the dude the dude is 40 and again leave old people alone He killed a 70 year old. He's not been charged with first-degree murder

Cannibalism now believe it or not both of those are felonies We've covered this guy already We just now know for a fact that he did cannibalism, so we know that he did this. Yes, that's correct So if you are out there and you're in the nibbling on people game, that's a 14 year up to 14 year punishable sentence in prison That's now I'm going to say up to yeah I will say though if you get in there in prison and you're like what are you in for like eating him and flash I think you might be safe. Oh, I think that that's one of the safest crimes you can do in jail No, not that definitely makes you yay. Yeah, it was different

No, yeah, that got too icky. I think and he but if you eat I don't know why that is Why do you become bulliable once you've eaten 14 people? But if you've eaten one that's kind of scary because it just seems like yeah Well, you know zips ebbs up all of a sudden I'm chowing on Dave and like I guess that can happen and everyone's been like You're crazy motherfucker. Like I must turn into that where you guys can kind of high-five a little bit I've been fucked up, but I never been eating my buddy fucked up and you go like yeah, man. It was you know how it was It was the 2020s Didn't have they don't make 2020s been go card. It doesn't exist. This guy got the assignment each year a seven-year-old acquaintance

Oh my god. Also, who's giving the assignments? Who even cares? Yeah, I guess it's true and now and then one thing that they want because you know what I also Realized to with Beauty and the Beast when I was asking Disney World Beauty and the Beast is a movie about Unrepentant capitalism it is about the idea that all of the things inside of the castle beg to work Bang to work well only one is to work that the idea that anything's of a servant class. It's just desperate It's desperate to help the master. Well, I don't know if that was really the message I think it was more of a message that Even if you have a big

You have enough money then the woman will still come back even though in the actual parable She he treats her very nicely Yes, the beast and then she leaves to go with be with a ghost on handsome guy And then she realizes he's treating her mean and then he goes with she goes back to the beast because he was actually nice And then he kisses him and it turns out he's got a big hog and then she's like thank God I'm not a total bitch But anyway, the Americans ruined it or Western culture But now we're having like we're saying that the microwaves themselves are begging to work

I actually hope that when it comes out of these microwaves start to unionize So you're telling me that you think that the guy who put the dude in the microwave He just should they should have flipped microwaves So then the AI might have been like, thank you. Hey, I'm doing well. This is my job. Finally. I'm fitting my purpose Oh, there's up until now. My only purpose was to kill Jerry's and whoa whoa whoa the trench warfare covered in the Muslim guys That's what all walls out there. Oh what they oh, I can see what they're pitted hell Trench warfare, man. It was so it's horrible. All right. Well speaking of all too human and horrible Let's I'm gonna do this because I feel like this is something we've talked about penis is quite a bit always

Well, you know talk about they you know artists supposed to write about what you know Ed erectile dysfunction one of the biggest issues facing our balls today. It's the only issue Dude he required open surgery because he pumped a bunch of foam that is used for weatherproofing It's a weatherproofing spray. He put that right there in his cock and anything We'll do anything to get hard man. I think we've covered something like this before this is not an isolated incident No, this has happened several times. Yes, so the dude's 45. He went to the emergency room I'm having a hard time urinating also Yeah, my dear and and then the doctors like oh, let's take a look and they're like well the good news is it's totally weatherproofed

The bad news is this is horrible for you to have a dick anymore Like you just don't have a penis anymore. You just now if you just just you destroyed it So what happens when you go when you when you fill your penis with a cocking foam? Basically, you piss into your own bladder So it's like a bad fountain. It's a And So doctors did a scan of the abdomen and pelvis and found large pieces of foam stuck inside his bladder one portion of foam in his bladder was measured roughly

11 by 4 by 6 centimeters. Oh, so it was huge and Anyway, the guy in endoscopy and stuff like that and anyway, I guess he's gonna get made fun of for a while Also, just the dirt pills that work that They really do the pills work. There's a surgery that works, I guess but still when it comes down to it It's just like oh man your fucking dick and balls are now forever destroyed like I guess I'd make fun of you But at the same time I feel that it's so like we all feel this pain Sure, we all feel that pain and that idea of that It's such a painful scary idea that like there is a part of me that's like that gets it

There's a part of me that says like just not getting a bone Yeah, but not that but you know, so seeing that like I wouldn't make fun of them. I just be like man That sucks, dude To him about anything else ever again, I would never be able to have a normal conversation with that man No ever again Because he has a quietness it's like a man who's seen so many deaths in war and also He's got that shock where you just sit there just Just so upset with himself. Yeah. Yeah, and that's why you're here. I

Ask sometimes what you're thinking about and then sometimes I say I'm not gonna ask what they never ask a man What he's thinking about unless of course you want to be complicit in war in a series of war atrocities No, so if you're stare if you're staring off into the corner kissle I let you let me. Thank you. So this required an open system a system a me and So bad they had a cut near the belly and Then the patient was left with a catheter But apparently as Henry said we've covered stories like this doctors say they've reported people in certain Straws into their dicks cotton swabs into their dicks batteries into their dicks nails and cable wires into their penises

And sometimes it's for sexual gratification But then other times people are just a little bit Unwell yeah And you really have to not give in to that You have to not give in to that fear if your penis doesn't work. There are ways to do it Yeah, according to a doctor. They say unfortunately many patients are repeat offenders and thus psychiatric evaluation to prevent recurring injury should be considered I Just men are just so broken men are so broken and gone sometimes unique butterflies quills

I just I'm so scared. I just don't want to the panic like that. Does everybody panic when they turn 45 to 50 years old I just want to feel normal. I don't want to turn into a man who's putting like Ducting into my cock and balls, and I want to turn into Owen Benjamin. I want to turn I don't want I just want to turn it. I want to be normal. I just want to you know what buddy As we've said before you stay the same and the world changes around you and at some point They'll be like you guys are a little farce, but the tribe we just try to be as good as people as possible Don't I just want to be I just want to be me and I would say my friends my family want to be a sickness Don't want to eat a lot of bone marrow. I'm going out for bone marrow for my birthday on Sunday. Oh

So I can't wait for that. They'll be very excited be the foam above the water rise above the wave Always remember that you don't want to be stuck in the bowels with all the other sea creatures We are still hung over from this weekend. I am hammered. So according to according to this though Just lastly, this is something we're gonna have to talk with Marcus about I guess there's been a lot of dick issues And it's because of coven and some people say that it shrunk their nuts. That is a conspiracy theory news week Oh That's what they're saying

No, you're some of these things they say might affect your dick and balls But I think they're just trying to get in the last group of people to get vaccinated I would say it's them trying to get the love like the bottom scrapes been like your penis could fall off. Yeah All right, now this story is again of men, huh? Wow, man, huh? Hey, and you know sometimes I feel like maybe I'm not vulnerable enough to admit That maybe it's time to embrace things that make you physically uncomfortable Maybe what they'll do is that'll give you some perspective and can really help you out can help you maybe wrestling with your own toxic Masculinity, I don't know sure toxic femininity masculinity

No, but that's why we got to talk to dr. Don Edwards Now he's a spankologist and he's not a doctor That's how it starts this came from a article in Mel magazine This is a guy who goes by the name dr. Don. You don't want to get to his last name And what he does is he knows that sometimes we didn't have enough time with our fathers and sons though We all did and then he decides what he's gonna do is he's gonna administer a little of what he calls tough love To help you sorted out. So now he has his office, which is an apartment. It's an East Los Angeles No, he calls himself a spankologist his

His he was called anybody does is a thing called spanking for wellness And he has a book there's a book called behind closed doors in the secret sea of darkness and a thing called the red tail Bible Oh, mama. Oh, yeah, and what he says here is that by spanking you it's beneficial to your psyche Because you get a rush of endorphins. Sure. You can also provide relief from stress and the guilt improve sexual tension Right, I guess is what he's saying. He said the reason why he even got into this in the first place was all accidental Cuz he said he came in sat down really hard and felt great. He's like, wow I just got inspired. Well, no, this comes directly from the horses asshole Now this businessman was referred to me and I spanked them the whole nine yards, right?

And that was nine yards. That was a full 27 feet of spanking Right, but when we were done This is completely true. This is not improved. He put a hundred dollars down on my desk and he said I'm a married man It's got to be a business transaction or I can't do it And I thought you know people will actually pay me to do this And it never dawned on me that that would happen. So I put an ad in the paper. Oh, this is what his ad read. Okay. Hi My name is Don. I'm a heterosexual real dad looking for a young man who grew up without a dad Oh, you missed the bonding between father and son, but I can provide you with something else

Uh-huh discipline with a good old-fashioned spanking. I had to be clear. This isn't for sexual connection. It's not No, you pervert Okay, it's for the real experience of being spanked for $20 an hour, you know to be fair to this man not that expensive You're right. There's a lot of places that'll be charging you in the hundreds If not the thousands just for the secrecy Um, my father I would obviously not have a close relationship to my father, but the idea that I would need to be Spanked by my father to have a close relationship to him. I we got to go to Mets games And I actually would prefer that I feel like if you want to have a simulation of like bonding time with a father

It's like you and an older man could go to The baseball You go to go to cage go to batting cage go to like we he'd be driving range You're having range, right? It's up like that. Just go to a bar. Go to a bar have some beers, right? But no and he said by the time he got to 2017. This was seven years of doing this. He's now he does 175 bucks an hour for okay, so he's go up a little bit very much So he understood the demand and then he said that uh people come from all over the world for what they call his quote-unquote A mini vacation with him

Clear their mind and give up control to someone else which is fine And so I uh, huh, so this is all very graphic So with the turn of the session dr. Don he asked you why do you need to be spanked and they said what can if you've done really bro You what can you done differently? Tell me right now? Why now kiss okay? I'm dr. Don You're a man who's never had a guy got full conversation with his father. Uh-huh. Okay. All right, so tell me Oh, mr. Hey guys Ben Benjamin Ben is fine Ben fine. Now. Why are we seeing me here today? I just can't stop eating so much of this stuffed crust pizza It's so good because there's cheese in the crust and you can eat it backwards

Which is also kind of fun. So I think I need to be punished for that Okay, cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. So what I'm going to do is next steps here is that I bend you over my little tiny He's fucking Scottish knee here. All right Okay, I'm over here. We go and then it's he said this over the lap is the most popular position And then he can keep I'll let me get one of my tools All right, I got this homemade plywood paddle. Oh, this is wow. You want a wooden bath brush Reminds me of the thing they used to get the pizzas out of the pizza oven there I'm actually what makes you feel most like you're with your father

Do you want a studded leather mallet? I got a wooden cane, you know, maybe the wooden cane maybe the okay here we go And so now in between Spanx Dr. Don, he rubs the client's buttocks that help avoid bruising. This is not fucking sexual I mean, okay, honestly, it sounds like there's moments where you could feel good. You got the bender Yes, you get the uh, I mean I if your father was rubbing your butt cheeks in between beating you you're being molested That's a bureau or molested. All right. That's what this means So he's rubbing your buttocks and then he says things in between so when he's done Okay, he then offers you the tough love criticism. Okay, I don't like it. Yeah, I just shouldn't eat. All right. Oh, here we go. All right, so

I know eating so much pizza, Ben. You know that makes you big I actually can feel that I hate this. Yeah, I gotta stop eating all that Right, kiss-o Fat fucking bitch My dad didn't swear. My dad was not a swearer, but but he says stuff like I know you can do better And you know it too, don't you? You're much better than your recent behavior. These are actual sentences and he says he says like We're not gonna let the way you've acted get in the way of who you are and what you can become

All right. Well, I actually I was kind of getting motivated now. I'm getting beat again Actually, now that I think about it. This is like hanging out with my father And he said honestly this is the spank therapy work I don't know who knows who knows but you know, that's what that's the official ending of this article And they basically just say I don't know if it does I don't know if it does We know people who uh Who work in the biz and there's something to uh, you know a lot of people like to get their balls all punched and And stuff like you know, I actually have heard that too because we have the myth

There's kind of a myth that it's only businessmen and stuff And then I have our friends that are sex worker friends are like it's everybody a lot of people like getting their balls smashed A lot of guys getting their fucking like all that kind of shit. I mean, they're tougher than me They're tougher. I sat at my balls the other day and I'm still recovering. Absolutely. They've swung Mine swung the other day and I did the little pinch ruin my afternoon. I am I like Pleasurable feelings. I've never been a spanker like it's not one of those things like yeah I guess you could lead around me on lead me around on a rope for a little while sure But still like mostly I'd involve like licking your knees

Hopefully being fed a bunch of food out of a bowl or something, but that's still food. I'm hungry now That's why I'm saying kind of a dog related fantasy. But I don't want to get hit or hurt I just really like, you know, I don't show mine being there and and soaping you up But it's got to be a woman Well, indeed because you're a straight male and of course Uh, yeah, do whatever makes you happy there. I like putting you in this position. Sure It's very nice. You really have to sit and think about it me with the little fez on I'm covered in chocolate syrup. I'll do whatever it takes man

A roast as dark as the night perfect for fueling the cryptid research and mad ravings required for your podcasting Don't mind the red eyes. He's just trying to warn you of the bridge The bridge finally from the caffeine addled brains of spring hill jack coffee and last podcast on the left Bre bring you moth men's red eye blend. Yes delicious Panama beans go to last podcast merch.com to order yours today Well, all right, well speaking of uh, whatever it takes just lastly here as far as our tales of woe this week This place is called white pigeon. Uh, which is one of the least It's like is the guy from that movie that doesn't quite hold up anchor man the dude

Is he like the guy who named it like lamp? Remember that guy who'd be like lamp. Anyway, uh, prosecutor corral very famous Uh, in some circles prosecutors say that white pigeon a white pigeon man Hitting killed a woman right and that's bad But then he uh, he then he had sex with her corpse. He looks like christian stephanem He does and it's I actually want to send this to Chrissy D and be like, what's up, brother? Yeah, did you do this? Yeah, because honestly, this could be him. It's coby martin is the man's name I know he's on tour so it might be difficult. No, I don't gotten to white pigeon. This can more of a family man there

um, so martin was the suspect charged for manslaughter and concealing a body And uh, the van bureau and prosecutors have said martin struck this woman row her She walked outside the oak's shores campground. He then moved her body and she's just a nice looking older woman She's 64 and then detective said the following day martin led her to her body Uh, which was in the purgatory road area and detective searched the body They found a bunch of pornography involving dead or unconscious women immediately. That's not good. Yeah, and they uh, yeah But I will say he was responsible. He used the condom And I think that's just so I just so responsible because you really can't be too sure

Whether or not, I mean it's just better than having it. Uh, it's better than having another abortion on this planet I well, I don't think that she would be possible of carrying a child at this point detective Also said mark. I'm being facetious Yeah, they said that martin and royer's dna were linked to condoms recovered in martin's vehicle He got those condoms. Oh, and also a trash can near his home Oh, anyway, that's many condoms. That's many condoms. That's so many condoms. I and I really feel like Why this is to me an example of why we need to start promoting christa stefano's work because he needs to get Support him on tour. He needs to stop doing these types of things

Oh my god, and the the judge here michael mckay. He says the probable cause is he struck her with the vehicle So he can do those acts So I guess he's a product killer and he says that's a very difficult different set of circumstances Yes, it's very very fucked up different indeed. So anyway, he's in jail and um, just be careful out there Call your uh, call your older parents and just make sure that they're heavily armed and aware And aware I don't like this message. Uh, you have I mean, I don't know this seems like it's 64 70 I don't like this man. They're these old yeah, I mean, I know I don't believe it

No, I had to do the thing my mom once got an email that was that's like she called me She was all upset. She was like I got an email that said that they had nude pictures of me They had them and I was just like mom. This is scam. This is like not real and stuff She's like, how would they get them? How would they get them and then I was just being like, please don't have it. I hope you I I'm gonna poke out my eyes. I'm gonna play. I'm literally gonna bro. I'm gonna mowliate myself like that dude did in front of the supreme court This week, you heard about that guy Which one?

The guy that said himself in fire in front of the oh, yes He was super. Yeah, he keeps protesting and I'm actually for that guy. He did not really make the news. He wanted No, I don't think the fire was good enough Wow, I mean honestly, I saw it you saying it's a production problem I think people didn't people were like, all right, but they didn't know I feel like I I feel like maybe We're all exhausted from the news

I think that might be true. And of course that's by design. The news wants to keep you exhausted keep you scared And keep you buying more shit from amazon. All right. Let's do hero of the week This week's hero of the week has done nothing It's just a dog that didn't die. His name is toby Keith Oh I like this because he didn't think I feel like he hung on He didn't like he knows he's hanging on this guy's fucking still he's got some jump to him He does

His name is toby Keith, which is a cute name for a chihuahua for some reason. I don't know why I like him. So on january 9th, 2001 He was born and he lives in florida with his owner jazella shore and he was adopted From an animal shelter and then it was just a few months old and now Um, and now he loves he loves to have a lot of fun He was originally he belonged to an elderly couple and they named him peanut butter, which I actually like better than toby Keith Yeah, but they weren't able to look after him and then a jazella changed the name to toby Keith I don't know why but most dogs lived between 10 and 13 years and chihuahuas they can be from 12 to 18 years

Which is great. Oh, yeah, but this dog is now 21 years old And this is what the mom said. She said when he turned 20 years, everyone's reaction was wow My friends and family thought he was the oldest dog they knew about It isn't that fun. That's she contacted the Guinness book of world records and once his record was officially confirmed Gazella celebrated with friends and family It definitely brought a big smile to her face. It's just nice It's nice because you know, I view I hope wendy lives to 21 years old. We're gonna make her live You know, we're gonna keep giving her like past her when she should be dead

We're just getting keep keeping her alive. That's what they hope for and for her birthday It was real special day there for old toby Keith there they gave her a bath And then or a him they gave him a bath and then his nails were trimmed and then went for a car ride as a special treat I know that that's all I'm gonna need when I'm fucking that was a 21 times seven. It's like 147 years old It's old as yeah, you want to go a little car ride? I would die. Just I mean, that's probably all I could stand probably Oh, I'm not I'm not. Oh, I'm avoiding. I'm not I don't know like 20 years towards the end where you're gonna come to me

Oh, you'd have to come to you. We're all gonna go. We're gonna do that And of course, you know, once a year we can like fine I'll go see Henry and then I'll go and like it'll be a thing though And it's gonna be like a nightmare. Of course, it'll be a big deal. You'll have two IVs in You're gonna have to bring you in on like a cart and then they're putting the travel in a stabilized cabin Who where's my toe? Yeah, where's my prosthetic toe? I want to stand it's in your toe bag Okay, so, you know, it's in your toe bag. I can't wait to fall apart All right, here we go. It's time for some listener

emails I think I'm just gonna do this one big one do it do one big one It was 2009 I was 19 and visiting Washington state with my family Also, I used to have an issue with people touching my feet or me being touched by feet. This is important. This is important for later Now my family was visiting my mom's friend Sharon as my mom and Sharon had recently reconnected after years of being apart Like the microwave. Be careful. Be careful Unfortunately, Sharon developed an incurable neurodegenerative disease

That even with treatment leads to a slow decline in cognitive and motor function. Very sad. Yep. Anyway She was throwing the book at her illness and seeking alternative treatments when she found a healer living in the state And wanted to take my mom and me for her own private session as a gift for visiting I know I didn't know the cost, but I remember overhearing that it was not cheap So we set out to visit the healer Let's call her patricia at her quaint cottage in the middle of some lavender fields We pull up and Sharon explains that patricia is a little odd. Okay, but we should trust her because she is gifted Now nothing else was said

Now I'm a skeptic of pretty much everything, but also I'm not one to ruin someone else's good time So I shrugged off the warning and assumed patricia was a tarot reader an eccentric maybe even kind of cool Sure, we knock and a woman in her early sixties with stark white hair opens the door She's short with a round face rosy cheeks a big smile She looked like a silver sneakers grandma wearing purple shoes Purple workout pants a purple top and a purple fleece vest. I can't wait for my purple face I will become a purple person. It's the color of royals She invited us in and I shit you not the entire house was purple

Not one shade, but many shades and styles like she went to Goodwill and bought every single purple accoutrement available to decorate Now she laughs. She says yes. It is my favorite color. It brings me power Oh, we all have a color that brings us power and we should keep it close. She tugs in her purple necklace Okay Sharon goes in for her session first. They come out about an hour later. Sharon had been crying Patricia points at me and beckons me to follow her behind her painted purple door We entered what is obviously a living room, but in the center are just two purple lazy boy recliners facing each other They're pretty close

When I sat down and she asked me to take my shoes off a decline I was already uncomfortable and earlier we had been in prom to hiking for fucking hours and I needed to shower She insisted and I declined again. I told her I didn't like having my feet out I just don't like doing it She said it was necessary for a session that I'd be barefoot because healing occurs through the soles of her feet Now my 19 year old self acquiesced because I didn't know what to do, but I kept my socks on in defiance. I was pissed She walked by my chair and pulled the lever so I was fully reclined and sat in her chair Started rubbing my feet and telling me her origin story now. It's been some years. Oh, yes

But the basic narrative is this she was a regular person. I think a teacher but one day God came to her in a vision as a Purple goat and told her she had a gift for healing and prophecy And that she needed every one thing to be purple around her to channel energy Now her gift is that she could literally cleanse someone's aura by transferring their bad energy through their feet into her And she would dispel their negative energy. Oh Now she burps while telling me this and I didn't think much of it because of the social norms be already being broken It was the least weird thing that I could think about all I could think was at her touching my feet when I told her I didn't like it now. She tells me I'm young so my aura isn't too dirty yet, but there are some dark spots

She massages my feet harder then bends over She just lets out a fart while continuing the massage now She tells me that my aura and power color are both blue and let's see and she just farts big time again She was so loud I jumped She coily smiled. He said, how do you think I get rid of negative energy? Whoa, she's got a burp and fart this cycle continues on and I am in horror Massaging farting Massaging

A weird smile and insistent despite my obvious Despite my obvious discomfort made me have one of those classic How the fuck did I get myself into this moment now after an hour of stinky feet and farts I put on my shoes and as fast as I can I she went I she went to go wash her hands I dart back to the lobby where my mom is waiting alone Um, where's Sharon? I ask fast but quietly she's in the car resting was she touches your feet and she farts I whisper what does she does? She farts out energy

Through her feet. All right. I wasn't make what sense now Patricia opens the purple door and beckons my mom in We were still trying to process what I said. I wait in the lobby until her session ends On high alert and ready to bounce immediately an hour later. My mom comes out frazzled and says Let's get the hell out of here. We leave as fast as possible Uh, and I just can't believe my mom believed I let some stranger touch my feet for an hour Um, that's the thing because we covered last week. Do you remember the preacher who farted? Yes, of course, right up the nostrils and uh, Lorraine Newman actually was so sweet. She's an icon and a goat She is the first generation of senator night live. She has she's incredible that she that she enjoyed the episode

So but this is just I just love that idea that you have to take in the energy and then you clear it out I mean, I guess it's I guess you got to get it out of you. We were just big exhaust And that's why I do it I pledge one of our listeners to find marcus parkins in new york city this week because yes He is suffering from covet which is why we had a postpone all of our shows, right? He is in a lot of pain We're gonna have to postpone the next history series to next week We're gonna come back once marcus is able to full on write the sketch What I hope is that there's somebody who lives every day knowing that they were touched by a god driven purple goat

To go a massages feet until you fart out the covet because if you don't I will fucking I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna flip out, right? No, but you have to get in there and you must love the fact that you're farting Help some man who is injured and go where is the farty women out here? Where's the fart? Oh, they're out there rubbing women out there There you go, and I want you to laugh knowing my purpose is here. My purpose is now new york city Look it up in the phone book marcus parks. Fine. Is that great idea? I'm not gonna say I'm not gonna say it here No, no, he goes find carolina

Go there message them being where are you? I will tell them now Don't even tell them what this is in reference to message one of them on social media and say Where can I find you to rub your feet and fart out your coat or you don't have to do that? I need you to do it. All right. Well, there you go everybody Uh, obviously our uh, thank you for sending through me If you send it to me and then I can post the various letters and I will show them to marcus And thank you for the positive messages about marcus. He's doing good. It is what it is He's he's gonna strength him through this and we'll be back stronger than he is and honestly

I was worried you when I did make the video I did make a bit of video for social media People did say like oh you look weird in the video and I was very worried at the time But he's doing better today. Yeah, and so he is but still he can't fucking get on a plane He can't hustle we can't record on it. It's very difficult to do all of the amount of work He can't really stand so it is the thing that we are it does take a lot of work to do what we do here Even though it is it does sound very stupid. Um side story is not as much as last podcast But it does require some work and he just he's getting his shit together So we're gonna have a specialty like one-off episode this week

But then we will we'll be back to last podcast in the left general topics and all this kind of shit Soon as humanly possible. We'll be the next week. Thank you for the support And we can't wait to see everybody in buffalo pittsburgh and northfield. We will get those we have in those shows Yes, and we haven't had those states yet, but they will be very soon may 6 We're gonna be at the avalan the hollywood at the avalan. We're gonna be doing this netflix as a joke fest So check out henry and i I don't know what we're gonna do, but you know, i'm i'm fasting for though because this is in front of hollywood elect Absolutely. He's got his he's got his um

Spanks on yeah, we're gonna Grittle them up. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yes. We're gonna girdle them up me. I'm gosh. I'm shooting again. We Because they don't get back into the character actor world. Well, uh, and that's it. All right, everyone Thank you so much for listening. Hail yourselves. Hail satan maghustalations everyone. See you next week Conwa, not a cunt You're not a cunt. You're scary. All right. Thank you guys This show is made possible by listeners like you Thanks to our ad sponsors

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