Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Marty the Robot

Episode Date: March 7, 2019

Ben and Henry break down this week's true crime news: a science teacher's snapping turtle-based curriculum, hacking pleasure devices, Marty the robot sweeps up humanity's mess, and MORE. TRIPLE L.

There's no place to escape to this is the last time on the left side story That's when the cannibalism started Side stores, yeah Um you ignorant you ignorant everybody watching the documentaries I don't think so Michael as a matter of fact I've been watching leaving Neverland and my friend you are bad Hey, but at least I married that. Oh my goodness. This is side stories. I can't even I this is Ben guzzel That's Henry Zabrowski now I watched episode one of leaving Neverland Henry Marcus and I are going to do a full-on discussion on this Friday's

Side stories the first time we're having Marcus on for the new tradition of once a month side stories with mr. Marcus pox, but Henry you can joke about this right now because you haven't watched episode one yet of the most Traumatizing documentary I have seen in a minute called eating. No. Oh my goodness Enough that's what I said. That's I said the child You are the devil And I remember and that's it. Oh the way child you can't have a baby, but oh if you could how cute Oh my all right. I've had it up to my belly button, which is the which is most people's eyebrows So that's pretty I have enough of it Sam. Oh my goodness. All right, honestly, and I you are going to cry

This shit's come up. Yeah, you I can't when you are watching it tonight I can't wait be like I want to vomit be like yeah now is it's so funny to you sir young sir. I know I Know I It's harder because that was definitely because Travis was just saying that's a kissal because I haven't seen it yet It's just been it's popped up a lot and then like Natalie and I had people over for dinner last night and we had like 90s dance hits kind of music playing in the background and just fucking every other one was Michael Right, and you just like forget because it's all it's just you know And I just see him petting a child in a giant fluffy bed

That's the problem with the song you are not alone. They don't have the other argument being like I wish I was Can you leave me alone? I understand that I'm not alone because you are stalking me and scaring the hell out of me But no we will we will talk about no But as we were started talking about it and then kissles started going into details and Travis is like don't spoil it for him Oh my god. Oh my god. It is so disgusting if you haven't seen leaving it neverland yet Watch it before this Friday because it's gonna be full of I guess spoilers as as Henry kind of alluded to It is so difficult. Anyway, you know listen I just been listening to beat it on repeat because I know that afterwards

I'm never gonna get to listen to whatever seriously, which is fine. I get it But these stories, you know, he's we've been debating this for literally eight years Oh, yeah, absolutely about the nature of Michael Jackson's crimes, so I'm not again I'm not looking forward no to really diving in but at the same time. I'm curious. Yeah, no it is It's absolutely fascinating. It's a big part of American history. He's a global version of Jimmy Savile But we will get to that and why as a matter of fact Henry mentions how you know You're listening to these music, but now this is gonna really like it's bigger than the music in many ways And his music was about as about as big as a musician can get

But he they were even talking to one of the victims and he was saying that sometimes he'll find himself at a bar a Restaurant and Michael Jackson's songs will come on and he'll start like tapping his thumb This was in an interview not in the documentary He'll start tapping his thumb or whatever and be like this is good and then he'd be like, oh, that's right That's Michael and then he has to leave and but that's the power of the music man Anyway on a on a good note. This is a real light touch. I know I mean we will obviously get into this But it is fucked up. You don't need to use I imagine it's you don't have to use the term light touch on it right now Okay, come on. I'm not saying my god. Yeah. Oh, I think it's I think a worse term is internal. Oh, right

Well, I will say on a positive note I had a chance to watch two great horror movies this weekend in theaters at Nighthawk cinema here in Williamsburg, Brooklyn Greta and Level 16 highly recommended. Did did you see either of those yet? No, I've not been able to see it I've been watching a lot of top chef recently We've just been working and doing that kind of shit. I actually haven't been Watching that it's just like because by the time we get back to the house. We're just fucking Blankin out right so we haven't watched any movies or anything for like about a week Which is a long time no that is but I'm excited about this because I'm coming into New York City this week and

The best part about being alone in New York City is that I get the chance to go to the movies alone Which is one of my favorite hobbies in the world so fun and I could just sit and cuz then you could just sit You sit in your own grime I like watching and then I laugh cuz I like watching the movies and sitting just like ha ha ha ha Right laugh alone the laugh of a man that's truly free Yeah, well you're still in public and the laws of humanity still apply even in the movie get me all right Come get right. I will say Greta There are some funny laughs in it as well kind of unintended, but it's truly scary and then level 16

Really awesome, so I want to thank Kim at Nighthawk. She works over there and she she's always very nice Yeah, yeah, I also want to um the guys from I'm this is again We're not paid by these people. They don't pay these people But I will say Spring Hill Jack coffee send me some of their coffee again I honestly its best coffee I've ever had a fucking really gyps me up man. I don't have a good term I have no idea what that term means, so I think we're in the click makes mine It makes my knees touch my nose hairs and not in a Michael Jackson kind of all right I didn't like not waiting for the King of Pop to come into the I cannot hear any more about Michael

I'm still reeling from what happened. Okay. It kind of gives a new kind of tenor to the nickname King of Pop Okay, well here we go. Here's a fun story about robots Okay, so now robots obviously they're taking our jobs. We know that we know automation I talked with Andrew Yang on top and about that by the way go listen to that interview It's very interesting But now but I feel like if we do install one day I I am one of those who believe in the if you give a living wage to people and that would be replaced by the robots Right and let the robots do do the hard shit let the robots flip the burgers absolutely robots never go through the awkward

14-15 year old stages where they're just covered in the road Like I'm sick of talking to these people I mean I love the tea I love the youth of America, but now when they're touching my food Well, you know what? I like to keep an eye on them and they seem to be doing a good job specifically at Taco Bell And honestly, but I would rather robots not do food service because I think that we're actually food service already become so Impersonal I know Kissel. I've been watching chef's table recently. Uh-huh. We forget how many how all it's already turned to this industrialized machine Right may as well be fucking robots. I like a personal church So let's leave the robots out of the the back house of the restaurant and move it into the maybe a robot later

Well, that's kind of what we have right now going on at giant food stores. We've talked about giant food stores before there Was a story of about about a man rubbing I believe some kind of melon on his testicles and he was charged with a felony Robots to Rome Isle of Maryland giant food store giant food stores will deploy Marty the robot models to every Maryland location To work alongside employees and customers now if you take a look at Marty, he looks like sort of like if the if the Microsoft word Like what is that the paper the paper clip my paper clip was given gun turrets. Yes, and tank wheels like it It's disconcerting really is he's on wheels. You can't really see the wheels

He's just kind of floats like a beautiful performer and he's got these huge googly eyes He looks like he's perfect to tackle when I was in football momentarily before I faked an injury every year to get out of it Because I don't like to be winded He looks like one of those tackle like dummies that you just take down with all of your power and all of your might because you're Really angry at the principal this thing is a seven-foot tall vacuum cleaner All right, the part of it was supposed to be the robots which mover on the store unassisted will identify and report hazards such as spells for quick So it's gonna be stuff going like And you're gonna have to deal with this but I will say I'm with you kiss alright cuz you know right I'm sort of pro

I'm not gonna I'm not it's not the term pro robots, but I'm gonna say let's give him a shirt Let's give him a shot at it running society When I look at this robot, they're really asking for abuse because the googly eyes does not make this Friendly no the googly eyes makes me want to shoot this with the fucking shot Just there's something inside of me genetically in my like fireman cave fire caveman brain where I'm like this doesn't seem right It's the uncanny valley. I agree with you. I want to shoot it I would just rather a straight up if it literally was just a square a bot We don't need to make it look human because you notice it's got the lights at the very bottom right which makes it look like it's frowning

Which essentially makes it look like you're coming to take my child You're coming to kill my family because it's the frowning of being like must clean up the ultimate mess Which is humankind and then it comes through and start like rolling through towns and setting things on fire and Prisoning us and big chain link fence like kind of like thrown together quick prisons Yeah, I mean it all starts with a friendly robot named Marty Why are we writing the dystopian future from a sci-fi movies past? Why are we actively writing this though? You know that I I personally believe with between what's happening politically Between what's happening this kind of shit. It is because of shit fuck 30 year olds. It's us man

It's our generation that is in charge and we are Pluriferating and creating a reality version of the 80s movies that we love did no one making it Didn't no one's watch until the end of the 80s movie It starts with like what a great buddy of mine and the next thing you know Maybe you should kill your mom and the next thing you know Maybe you should kill your whole fret family and your friends and then what do you have what do you have you got it? You got a robot serial killer, but we are doing it We are making it so we are psychically projecting our future into the well as the very least giant grocery stores are all

172 stores will have a Marty. Oh, I also hate to name Marty not I don't hate any name But in this context, I'm like Marty the friendly robot. I could do no harm. There's no way I could eat your mother What was that last thing I said, but you can definitely see a manager being like? Unfortunately, and we're bringing on Marty under the team everybody applaud Marty. Hey, it's Marty Let's throw a party good little rhyme everybody. Um, but we're getting rid of Cheryl By Cheryl and it's just like a poor radio woman is like they always get rid of the chrome And it's like yes, it's right because unfortunately we love you Cheryl, but nobody wants to see oh Cheryl I want to see you

172 stores gonna have their own Marty now Marty has four mentioned. He's a tall gray robot with Google eyes He's gonna work alongside Staffors the robot it moves autonomously unassisted will identify any Reportive hazards such as spills for quick cleanup giant officials said in a news release that the robots efforts free up associates to spend more time Serving with customers, which is what I would call a lie Oh, how is this gonna help anyone who is working there like oh, no, this is great This is freeze me up to have more time with with customers. Yeah, it's not taking my oh Yeah, that's what I'm always doing. Yeah, absolutely. No, um, it's the slow

Total the total takeover of all of their job. Yeah I believe it goes through restores and fast food places gonna be the first like the first where the the trench warfare between Robots and human beings and robots slowly replacing human beings It's where it's gonna happen right because which is unfortunate because those are the intro jobs Those are the things that actually give people those first couple of sets of experiences that allow them to do other things Which is why I'm saying if we're not the robot so we should have some sort of living wage And then but I'm also speaking as a person who is completely ignorant Ignit all righty you universal basic income or what some people call the freedom dividend it's gonna be a coming more popular

Ideas this continues on so this is according to the giant few food store President Nicholas Bertram breaking robotics and AI from research lab to the sales floor Very exciting journey and we were thrilled by the customer response in our pilot stores our associates they've worked hard to bring this innovation to life with Amazing part to like whole groups of customers being herded by Marty's Oh my god being scared being led to the sales Oh my god being forced in the corner of the sports section getting whipped by fishing baby by fishing poles Getting netted and things like that. Yeah Marty when Marty flips when Marty chooses to go autonomous and rogue

Um, it's not gonna be so pleasant at the very least they didn't give him arms yet That's when we have to start getting real scared when they start getting the arms now. That's full on combat Just one vacuum for sucking on assholes and one gun arm. It's horrible. It needs to be You threaten pleasure against your will or death and then and so So the people who work there can have more time with the customers. I just always I now I'm going to go to giant food stores and just fucking sit and chew the faces off of these people I'm just gonna sit and ask me like so how many cereals you got yeah

How many chips you got where are those at? Yeah, you take me there. Oh cool. I mean you got plenty of time now, right? Where's the milk honestly that is like the last thing if you are like Working a customer job in a grocery store like you're just like I just want to stock the shelves So all of you other cow people can consume this lucky charms and I was like literally want to work in Silence I have never ever had a situation where they're like super thrilled to help out because it's not a high-end fashion line It's Walmart or Target. They just want to get in and get out leave them alone And I don't want it. I don't care to talk to a 13 year old kid I just want to be like hang in there, buddy, but then that's the end gets that makes you different than a lot of the

More successful musicians in the world to other people who create a lot of art Which is actually very it's brave of us to be so mediocre. We like grown women All right, well speaking of robots and grown women this next story we go is going to send a chill Down everyone's spine well apparently hackers can easily hijack this build-o camera and live stream the inside of your vagina Or but according to vice magazine. This is actually like really invasive Intrusive extremely like not good and uncomfortable. It is one of the craziest things. I have heard in a long time This this story is from a bit ago So I wonder if they fixed this error or not, okay

But I feel like this is not going to be the first time we're going to hear of this type of thing If you're using an internet connected vibrator Equipped with a camera that allows you to stream your pleasure right to the internet your intended viewers might not be the Only ones watching hackers from the UK based security firm pen test partners have found that it's Trivially easy to track into a Zvacom siamai eye This is a $249 dildo that is a camera on its tip The thing is that basically if you're into Wi-Fi range of its dildo that you could it's very easy to guess the password because I guess

It's the default password is 888 8888 all right so and essentially with a little bit more firmware and a little more hacking you can also sort you can You can hack the live stream, but you can also direct its actual motion now which people pay I have a question here So obviously the idea you know we go on the road You want to get a little saucy with your significant other people travel all the time technology has made that more available have One idea of the remote view sure wonderful. That's a great. That's a cool idea anyone ever ever wanted to see the inside of their partner's butthole or vagina

Whether it be male or female obviously the butthole as we both got that, but has anyone ever been like yeah Let me get inside like I'm like I'm a doctor and let's do colonoscopy play Why would I be on the tip of the dildo like what are what in the world are you possibly seeing to be like? Oh, yeah, those are the inner walls right there This is what I really like Natalie always gets a little concerned when I miss when I say hey Let's play look out on the ship deck and I use her like a telescope cuz I always tell her when on her on my birthday I'm allowed to look inside of her giant it is see if I could see the light from her mouth Well, no you know but first of all that is not a scientific approach to this

It's for me. It is but there's no reason why I go. Hi. Hi. Hi, matey It's such a strange place for the camera to be and then like also like what are you supposed to do? You just like film around the room like if there's a home invasion just grab your dildo and just like feel because that would be kind of trippy There are people that are sexually attracted to the idea of being enveloped There are people like the vorre community those kind of people that like the idea of like you're going like And you imagine yourself going through the vagina or you're in some sort of erotic Older person version of the magic school bus. I just feel like when you self-correct

It seems worse because most people didn't even think that your initial thought was going to be bad But then you overcompensate bus is filled with children Idea feel like if it's just teachers. Uh-huh. I don't know that magic school bus I could see why you want to go up the butthole just cuz you're fucking interested. It is interesting I don't know. Well, this is according to Ken Monroe He's the founder of pen test partners The only place to get your dildo products from pen test partners when somebody uses it Someone else could be seeing the video stream. He goes. What's worse? You never even know about it

Which is truly horrifying and again, maybe I'm like missing something here I just feel like the camera should be like a GoPro attached to the end more of the I don't want to get into great detail here But you would you already have on the end of it not on the front of the head of these people are imagining Can you imagine how honestly though kissal do you with you used to be even more immature than you are these days? Yeah, how fun it would it be to just imagine your face on the head of your own dick. No, right? And you're just going And you're as you're approaching you're just like it's like going into the Death Star Yeah, and you're Luke's sky penis Sky cockles and you're literally just slamming it. You could you don't see anything

It's just gonna be a black dark mass of human It's gonna be like what used to be back when see why I'm almost 40 years old I'm 37 years young and when I was a child there was a channel called the it was just the surgery channel and Oh, yeah, I remember the surgery and they would show like full torsos and stuff But they were they were there were surgeries being done to them It's like that but then much more invasive and much more intrusive and I just don't see how anyone it could be like Yeah, I mean unless they're starting to be a doctor in which case maybe this could help out Um, I don't know it just seems very to all the sciences that are involved in just how deep is a vagina

I mean, I don't know man. Everybody's into whatever that is there into yeah I agree. I would more of a one an exterior camera as well But this is obviously the goal of these people and enough of these were sold for this to continue on the market I don't know if that's still the case, but I think it is interesting I was on the speaking of people hijacking computers though I was with a uber driver recently who was very very upset about the idea of automated drivers because he said he's in his words He's like the computer Russians going to come in they're going to hack the fucking cars And they're going to create chaos in the highways and I was like that could happen at any time though

It can't happen now like most like Teslas have an actual Computership that you can't they have an actual like motherboard that you can take over. Oh, yeah Oh, it's already happening. You know the thing is we saw total recall It's you know, we know what happened. They're a little annoying I the robot driver in total recall was more aggravating than even a Los Angeles uber driver Who was auditioning for you because they think anyone who takes an uber is a producer? So, you know, I think there's some safety in the uber life for the most part because these robots are just going to drive me insane So I want a person. I'm gonna request uber person. That's what I'm gonna do not uber robot

That's what I will do. Well, I'm gonna tell you for the definitely for the first couple of years So you don't have to have drivers behind the wheel Also watching the robot. Yeah, but then what are they doing? You know, they're not actually working. They're sleeping. They're reading books Probably giving them more time to fully read the script that they were telling you about previously Now they can just act out all the characters as well I actually mostly have seen that in uh, Atlanta more than Los Angeles. Oh, really? Yes, absolutely. There's a lot of like mixtapes

Ah Um, so this story, I mean, they're working on it, I guess but a part of it is just more of this It's more of trying to create a grand Like uh, self-conscious as an understanding that if you have a Wi-Fi enabled sex toy It is what it is vulnerable right to be hacked by many people. It's it always is Yeah, but this is kind of the social trust that we have don't we is this kind of concept that being like We're all kind of an existing in this place that if we break the social contract of constantly hacking each other's devices

They're gonna eventually either clap down on it or people are not gonna want to buy it You know, you know me. I say criminal justice reform now criminal justice reform forever But one of the years where I'm a little bit more like we could probably step up our game on um I'm trying to dissuade people from uh, all the revenge porn and from like hacking and stuff and just like Loading that stuff up on the internet every celebrity And this target's mostly females. Obviously you have a Hulk Hogan and stuff like that mostly females though It's like I don't know if people do play by that social trust because there's no negative ramifications when they're just like Wouldn't you believe it? I got britney's I got britney spears is god knows what

But because it's hard to fucking track these people down because it takes man hour It's a lot of money to track especially internet crime. It is very very difficult to pin these people. You're right I say if if you if your partner gave it to you in confidence, don't be a schmuck and share it with anybody else That's what I I have just never understood that kind of piece of shit behavior I don't really understand that idea that you would take someone that someone gave to you and in Actual good faith even if they hurt you no and then post it on like it's such a it's so fucked up I really do believe in I mean You're gonna get yours. I mean, you know, I do believe that people do it men and women do it and it's just everyone

It's just not good and it's bad for you and it's bad for your heart and it's bad for your soul When you get to the pearly gates and god says to you What did you do when when you got to send all of those wonderful videos and pictures? And god will say I know that you sent it to your friends and then your friends put it online And you and then you wake up and you've been reading a story book. Yeah, and you're like, oh Oh And then you fucking blow your brains out. It's fucking total darkness Let me do this story real quick

Whittower stepdaughter who blamed panhandler for woman stabbing death in baltimore arrested in her killing What a surprise crazy The story of a woman who was fatally stabbed in december after reportedly giving money to a panhandler A case that drew national attention and then spread fear through baltimore Which actually arose by her husband and stepdaughter who had been charged in her death police announced sunday night Keith smith 52 and his daughter valeria Valeria smith. I don't want to criticize. I'm sure there's some great valerias out there But you got a malaria. You got valeria malaria malaria malaria. I don't know valeria is a very pretty name for me actually

It's a pretty name. They were arrested by texas state police near the us-mexico border while trying to flee the country early sunday This is this week Orange charging them with first-degree murder in the death of keith smith's wife jacklyn smith were issued Basically, we're gonna the the information evidence points that it wasn't a panhandler So they're trying to figure out what the hell with this whole this whole shit is basically just jacklyn smith 54 an electrical engineer at Aberdeen proving ground She was stabbed to death about 12 30 a.m. On december 1st in north valley and east chase streets And those is baltimore just days after the stabbing key smith and valeria smith who also identified herself as chevon

Appeared at a tearful news conference at the scene They blamed jacklyn smith's death on a man who approached their car after she reached out the window to give money to a woman Begging in the rain with the baby They said the man came up to the car under the guise of thanking jacklyn smith then reached in the car and Snatched her necklace and pocketbook stabbing her in the process, which is a lot of yada yada Oh, yeah, quite a bit elaborate story now. I have a question for you now. Henry you are a really talented actor You can see henry on crashing on home box office otherwise known as hbo um

Yeah, and a lot of pete holmes body this oh that that's just that's that's great. That's just great. Yum hbo They can do anything they want on hbo. I love my boss I love my boss love bringing back the dentist fran's look NYPD blue All the 50 year old butts the eye can handle Um, and I have a question though from a performance perspective because we see this on a regular basis This dad and his daughter they knew they killed them. They knew they killed Uh his his wife and herma they they knew what happened now. They are not professionally trained actors

You got to go in front of the cameras You you got a lot of pressure on you and you have to cry On command how what process do you think you would go through? To be like I can do this you just think about the fact if I don't do this I'm going to jail You think that's enough pressure use that I mean there. It's a lot of pressure. It is quite a bit of pressure Uh, and you've maybe been building this up And maybe you did not enjoy this person to begin with which is why you have now orchestrated her killing

And so I imagine it like you kind of you can work yourself up various different ways They're also you have the cloak of I'm grieving. I don't know how I reacted you have that you have that side of it where the grief comes out in many different ways Uh, but yeah, you know, I also feel like a lot of times Beginners like the people with no acting training end up giving very honest performances even more than people with like My level of training right my astute level of just like the kind of acting intensive I went through to Florida right now. That's a bachelor degree, isn't it? That is that's good now you couldn't do a couple of more you could do a deeper dive

I guess but then you just got to bachelor's and it's great Hey, man, I don't need to get all up like into it. No, I'm not some kind of nerd. No, I mean evidently now this I could have used some more training No, you're doing great. Um Jacqueline Smith's family obviously that's the woman that was murdered They didn't trust they didn't believe this story for one second according to according to the I believe it's her Brother, he says I already know it's Keith and all the questions have been specific to Keith That kind of sums it up right there. He said it never made any sense. I told detectives from the very beginning

There's no suspects out there. So they seem to know it was Keith all along. So right now they have not Released really what I've seen so far Uh, there is not really any specifics explaining how we know we just know that it's in the middle of there They must be in the middle of the investigation. So we don't really know how it is They're saying that they immediately though everyone said it was fishy because they said on that top on that block where they were at normally People are very it's like an empty section. Okay And so they were like that was immediately said there was fishy But there's there's details that are obviously that need to come out. This is a brand new story brand new story

But evidently it was also covered. This case did get national attention the I remember this case Because that was the whole thing It was like this whole big movement of they said in baltimore homeless people were actually Interviewed they said that There was a massive drop and people willing to give money. It was really intense. Oprah took it on Basically saying like we shouldn't this should we this shouldn't hurt the attempt to do more reach out for homeless people Uh, and honestly these people just sort of used the the the reputation of baltimore, right to their advantage Yeah, which is very sick because every time we've gone to baltimore. We've had a wonderful time

But it's a for that city's for real. Oh, that's for fucking well. Absolutely. I mean, um, you know It was interesting not to do anything political We do that on another show but Elijah Cummings when when Cohen was there testifying Elijah Cummings He's a rep out of baltimore and he was talking about how like everyone called Um, Cohen or rat. He's like and in baltimore, you know what happens to rats when they're in prison They're called snitches and we know what happens to snitches and i'm like damn, elijah Like they are wow, and he's like, you know, everyone knows baltimore. It philly is the same way. I respect him, man I don't mess around. I'm not trying to like get uh get into any

Scrum or anything like that no way but it's but it's also I mean it is reminiscent of the jesse smallit story Yeah, we're not also going to get into that because of the whole thing But it is kind of reminiscent of that of using a big lie right and then using this thing because to lie about it To create this story You you're you're thinking you're adding credibility to your life right by adding all these details But actually you're not like you're actually hanging yourself more and more every single time you let this story roll out further All I'll say about the jesse smallat thing because it got so I'll talk about maybe on top hat or something But you know, it's just someone who lost lost sense of reality

You know and that's what the the inception is really actors are not to be trusted. This is about actors This is not about politics This is about actors. They are we are a messed up Group of people that are just as I get it man. Well, you are just you go crazy sometimes You just go crazy, you know blurring blurring the lines of reality and fiction as we're seeing now more and more and more Like people are like just because it's on to it's not like I think that's what happened with you know Roger stone a whole bunch of people. It's like they they lose sign of reality love it You get the dose you get the dose of all that attention

It's really different because then what happens is that if you're the certain type of actor you've been thinking Like you're better and faster and smarter than people all the time right because you're like i'm a shape shifter I literally I put on a hat. I'm a taxi driver. I put on another hat. I'm a buyer and are Are like you begin to go insane and they get like everybody's saying they love you and then that validates it And now you're fucking you're done. Well, and in a much more disgusting way than what happened with mr. Smollett there mistakes are made on all sides So I'm a forgiving person, but that's what happened with uh with mj as well, but we will talk about that You're gonna say I mean that's very

Well, he just like he got he was yeah Yeah, and so anyway, we'll talk about that so he was talking about big bodyguards I'm like at some point you're like grab the kid get the kid out of there. Anyway, that's a whole other story All right. Oh, I missed you. Yeah, mr. Jackson's gonna get mad if I touch his bride. Oh my god. All right It's gonna be a problematic episode. I can already tell Okay, well, let's go to Idaho and of course we go to Idaho. Why why wouldn't we go to Idaho? It's super exciting Um, so an Idaho teacher who fed a puppy to a snapping turtle found not guilty Of animal cruelty. This dude is horrifying looking number one

He's a science teacher who ignited worldwide controversy after feeding a puppy to a snapping turtle A panel of six jurors delivered the verdict to a packed courtroom after what science does this teach exactly? That's my question Uh after the the jury only deliberated for about 30 minutes. It was a two-day trial Robert Crossland the Preston junior high school teacher smiled as the verdict was read and afterward spoke publicly for the first time He said I would just like to thank you for all the support I've received I'd like to thank this community for staying behind me. It's really got me through all of this You fed a puppy to a snapping turtle and then people are just like I just support him. I just think what he did

It's science. It's somebody's got to stand up for the first amendment. Well, I You know what this is somebody's got to stand up for it And this if anybody's gonna go because if we don't allow this man to feed a puppy to a snapping turtle for no Fucking reason literally no reason then went with this a slippery slope to dictatorship I guess so so the puppy was sick and he fed the puppy to a turtle cutely named Jaws I know a couple of students this was after This was this was after school. So he's like who wants to stick around and watch me feed this sick puppy to the turtle And the sad thing it no actually I didn't even like to dissect the frogs. I would not have watched this when I was a kid

I would watch Japanese death matches, but I would be like no, I'm gonna go I gotta go, you know smoke some weed behind a tree or something Um, so following an investigation, which is just so funny that this is like an Idaho investigation Like the phone's been ringing off the hook sheriff. What's going on? Well, wouldn't you believe it? Another puppy was fed to a snapping turtle It's an epidemic Um, so he was charged with mr. Mr. Meaner Animal cruelty Shane Reichart one of crosslands defense attorneys admitted that some people might take issue with a snapping turtle eating a puppy But Reichart argued that in the eyes of the law

There is no difference between the dog and a rat or even a or even deer people hunt So we have to really get to these fucking specifics for this doctor to this to this teacher. He's a teacher Yes, uh, what is he teaching the kids with it? I have no freaking idea So this is according to the lawyer. Is it is that the lesson is being like, you know, illegal legally you could feed anything You want to a snapping turtle? Honestly, that is the takeaway So the lawyer says as we step as we set out from the beginning We thought the state was going to have a difficult time proving this case behind a re beyond a reasonable

Uh, doubt and uh, so prosecutors they presented their evidence. So anyway, long story short Um, he received this puppy this this teacher received this puppy from a dude who had a farm They had a whole litter of animals and they're like, oh, we can't we can't take care of all these dogs whatever Um, so the witness testified Friday that they did not have a problem with it crossland let the students handle the puppy Most of the witnesses said they noticed it was sickly lethargic with its rib sticking out A couple noted the puppy's eyes were cloudy after a few moments crossland placed the puppy in the snake's enclosure But it became clear the reptile wasn't interested. So that's when the snapping turtle came into play

And what is this? What is this even doing? I've no idea. What is the point of all of this? I have no idea. And so this is according to the Idaho deputy attorney attorney David Morse. He argued that the puppy suffered as a result of the feeding. Do you think? Yes He says it was flailing around and tossing Jesus fucking christ But every witness that they that they called in said that they were like fine I don't know what children of the corn kids are going to this middle school But they're all like we actually kind of loved it. I thought it was pretty fun. It's like what is wrong with you?

um He's a beloved teacher and this is how this whole story ends and this is what the worst part about the whole thing is Other than the puppy being eaten Um crossland that's the dude again. He says he continues to teach at Preston school districts and feels quote a lot of relief The turtle of course cute jaws The turtle which is deemed an invasive species in Ohio was seized and euthanized They killed the turtle. That's fucking ridiculous. How they killed the turtle was just like I don't know that doesn't wrong Its name is Joss. It's a turtle. You feed it a sick dog. How does the turtle get euthanized?

And I mean, I don't think this guy needs to like lose a license or anything. I don't freaking out It just I don't know what he should do. I bet I feel like he needs like the superintendent Needs to speak to him about why are you just feeding random fucking objects to a snap internal I mean, you're not the cousin from home alone who has the tarantula. You know, you're not buzzed. It's like what's happening Anyway, I don't understand. So that is uh, that's a little tale out of Idaho Don't feed animals. Don't feed dogs to other animals. Just let them die beautiful dog deaths. They've given us so much They've given us they have they really have so most of the weeks. I think almost every week so far We've been doing we do we are real loose with the segments. Yeah, we're very loose. It's a loosey goosey show as you know

Um, but a fan for hero of the week a listener. What was his name Henry? Uh, woody woody I think he goes by a specific The Judas obscure. Okay, this guy. He does the he I mean he heard me I mean lay down pretty serious musical chops Um where I really went through I scanned it. I made this I made a song for the hero of the week But but Judas obscure went ahead and made it a reality. Yes, he did. So thank you so much Let's play this coming in now a fan submitted Uh intro for hero of the week. Thank you so much woody

Oh, welcome back to the morning zoo everyone. I've been the I love it man. Thank you so much woody. All right. So hero of the week We have one is a listener. So we're going to get to her in a second, but we've got to go back and talk about Dave Ossman spelled a s s m a n Ossman, of course He was the fellow that they he wanted a personalized license plate in Saskatchewan and they said oh, no It's way too offensive to have it on your plate. So what did he do Henry? He fucking He painted it on his truck. He painted it on the back of his truck as he proudly stands by really a beautiful white pickup truck

Um, and it says Saskatchewan Ossman land of living skies So congratulations, you're sticking it to the man Dave And uh when it comes to your rights to be proud of your last name my friend My hats off to you because you are telling the world you're telling the government No, my friend. I'm not going to be ashamed because my last name happens to Come with a connotation of being sexually attracted to botoxes. I am Ossman king of

Oss This is a very I got another letter that was like talking about another Ossman that was a former I guess like a white supremacist who killed a bunch of people This is a whole other story that I was like I so this is so Dave is taking the name back from white supremacist taking the name back from the government criticizing him I love that Dave is a hero on so many levels So you are once again a hero of the week and along with Dave I want to talk about a listener Amanda Dix Amanda Dix. Uh, she sent us an email Dix stands for ossman or assman

Dix stands for assman. Um, so she says I got I too got shafted at birth with a horrible last name. It's Dix Yes, that's real and yes, everyone can suck it I've struggled all my life with my last name being included in things everything from substitute teachers thinking it was a joke sports announcers chuckling before my name and professional emails Recently at work. They had to specifically unblock my email so it wouldn't be flagged automatically as inappropriate content A horrible ass name can really shape a person and getting dicked over like this has made me who I am now I wear the name like a badge of honor and I think a assman should be allowed to do the same Currently going through the application process to pursue a phd if I make it you bet your sweet asses

I'm making every fucking person address me as dr. Dix. I hope you got a chuckle out of this Thank you so much, Amanda the future dr. A Dix Amanda We actually and now let's go out with the jingle because dr. Dix. Yep, you are new Oh It's fun producing a show As long as you can just do this. Well, I want to read this letter real quick. All right How henry helped me with my parents dogs butthole

My girlfriend and I this is from colton My girlfriend and I went to visit my parents in LA trip is going well seeing old friends and spending a lot of time with family Well, we just gotten ready for a pretty packed day and my girlfriend was sitting at the edge of the guest bed When my parents white multi's mix named wriggly comes sprinting in the room and jumps up on my girlfriend She's giving them all the pets and loving on him. She looks down at her jeans and just goes. Ah, fuck man for real wriggly had gotten some big dog-o-size shit smears all over the legs of her jeans Shuddering at the thought of wriggly giving the house a fresh coat of poo paint I snatched him up and was immediately reminded of something henry had said way back about his asshole hair

per henry's instructions I lifted wriggly's tail and began to trim his asshole hair danger close I recalled how henry described his own asshole hair when it had become overgrown thick matted and a potential health hazard Anyway, I got a little guy trimmed up and washed we missed out on our plans for the day But thanks to henry. I was able to make to take care of a dog's asshole. Look at that. Wow And they say it's like what what is henry doing for the greater good and then look at that There it is. Although. I don't know why it ruined their entire day It's a multi's, you know, you can it doesn't require the biggest scissors, but all right

I don't know also a lot of people asking about momo. I also barely understand what momo is It seems to be some form of meme some sort of horror meme now wait before we go I want to read some more of these we have some more fun skin walker stories. Okay, cool I'm still like I'm still fucking obsessed with this. Oh my god. I have a really good There's some I got some weird insider information that I'm waiting to figure out how to disseminate Which is very very interesting, but here are some more skin walker tales. I really like this one. Okay, this is from aj I live in secora, New Mexico, which is about 30 miles from the Alamo rindian reservation the res as the natives call it I have an uncle who was dating a native girl who lived on the res

My uncle was driving one day to try to visit her and try to get it in I assume He's just driving his car probably humming along to the radio. It was the early 90s a lot of speculation I will say he is speculating quite a bit. Okay. He is really building a tail here But George nap did the same. I know I know I know When all of a sudden a coyote walks into the road He does his best to avoid it, but he can't he ends up clipping it He pulls over and he checks on the condition of his car no damage He then sees the coyote lying motionless on the road and decides to drag it off the road

My uncle gets back into his car and continues on his way He gets to this girl's house who lives with her family and they're just kicking back watching tv a couple hours pass And he tells the family how he had hit a coyote The girl's brother comes stumbling in and she rushes to help him the brothers in bad shape Dried blood spots on his face a broken arm and he's limping The brother says he was walking down the side of the road when his when this car not paying attention hit him He said someone must have thought he was dead because then that somebody drug him off the road and left him in the weeds My uncle said the family looked at him with this look of concern and worry

But never said anything it seemed that everybody there knew what happened But every time he would try to bring it up nobody would acknowledge it It's cool story and he has one more right right here The same uncle of mine eventually married and had a daughter with the navajo girl The res is mostly navajo. My uncle never really lived in the res as he is not native. My family is Hispanic There's not a lot of work on the res and he's not native as I already mentioned So he comes and goes my cousin lives with her mom and her family on the res One day my uncle is away working and the family decides to take a road trip to visit some other family

With them lives this little very old lady whose wheelchair bound. I forget the relationship to my cousin I'm going to say great-grandmother for easier storytelling. Everybody's packing luggage into the vehicle They even pack the great-grandma's clothes so my cousin assumes she's coming with them My cousins are on five years old at the time. They bring the great-grandma outside and move her from her wheelchair Into a normal basic bitch chair. This is the email. Okay, not me They take the wheelchair and they put it in the vehicle too and they lock the house door and everybody gets into the vehicle Except the great-grandmother which is starting this is starting to remind me of national ampoune's Uh vacation. Yeah, it really is. I think they're gonna strap her to the roof at some point here soon

They start to drive away and my cousin starts to freak out. She's crying She asks why they just leaving great-grandma there and they just tell her don't worry. She's coming with us She's going to meet us hours later. They arrive at their destination My cousin excited to play with her other cousins runs inside to say hello and guess who she sees sitting on the couch It's a great-grandmother her mother later told her that the great-grandmother turned herself into a bird and flew there Which I think it's just lying I think that might just be lying I think maybe another relative picked up great-grandma and drove her

Um, perhaps a different way maybe a little faster, but it's interesting But he did say most Navajo people keep dogs tight up outside because dogs can send skin walkers and they'll bark Well, that's a hell of a lot nicer than feeding them to snapping turtles. That's for damn sure And you never know. Maybe she did just turn into a bird And fly I actually like You know, I don't like it when parents treat their children like they're dumb But I do like spreading just really bizarre mythos When the kid is like five they get to spread it to other kids. Yeah, and they're like, no, no

Yeah, grandma flew and then they're just like forever. They're like, I always thought my grandma flew You just a couple of fun stories So they can always be, you know, just just wondering what the hell is real and what the hell what the hell is fake Some people say it's lying I say it gives your kids a sense of magic realism in some ways. That's true. Do we have one? I have one more story I can I can cover real quick. All right Um, world's top bridge player suspended for doping with synthetic testosterone Which is fucking awesome. I don't know if you can even do this

The world bridge federation announced today that gear helgel helgama helgamo world's top rank bridge player has been suspended suspended Is this suspended after testing positive for two band substances synthetic testosterone and chlamyphony A female fraternity drug chlamyfine chlamyfine. Yeah, a female fertility drug. It's not pledging a frat And that's what it says here. People like don't know why that is uh fucking whatever that is performance enhancing drugs But it says here apparently a study found that winners of chest tournaments show higher t levels than do losers So maybe it does help you think faster or does like a thing where you're in the more in the moment

I'm not even sure how to play bridge. No, no idea whatsoever. Helgelmo suspension is not the first time This has happened to the dude back in you got busted for tax evasion in 2017 Back in 2015 as well the independent reported that the world Anti-doping agency found prohibitive substances in the system of the bridge player and anglers, but primarily Concentration aids as bridge tournaments can be marathon events some stretch as long as two or three Weeks, which I did not realize well chess is like that chess takes those masters those championship games They take like hours and days to play out like you have to do really time and it's very very intense well, I guess yeah having a little bit of

Um, what's the uh an adderall having a little adderall in your system would probably be extremely beneficial Absolutely, which is why they they try to ban it. I think that's a very interesting. It's a type of Well, I bet you that somewhere within like the these types of worlds like we're making fun of this shit But it's like, you know highlight. Oh, the scooping that scooping sport. There's a lot of weird Like money laundering and international intrigue built into highlight And so I can fucking maybe even imagine That there is weird shit like buried in the world bridge federation where it's like this guy's the top player and he's a fucking Absolutely

Like maybe that's what it takes to get to the top. Maybe it is his suspension will be lifted in november of this year 2019 so I really did not know that this was a possibility You know, you're right, man. We forget like curling everyone when you watch that at the olympics Everyone's like, oh, this is kind of cute But you have to remember those people beat out Hundreds if not thousands of other people who are in curling to become on the olympic to get on the olympic team Like there's an like I guarantee you people have gone to fistfights lost bets won bets Changed their lives millions of dollars millions millions of dollars invested in curling

So this is at a point where you kind of imagine that there's there's high stakes even in those worlds And then maybe some of these people. Yeah, are getting fucking like who knows? Oh, I saw what you did there. So you scuffed up my favorite. Is it a hurler? I don't know what the first the puck is. Yeah, I think it's a whole shirt. Is it the gerkel? The gerkel, yeah You're messing with my gerkel. I saw what you're doing and that's why I killed your fucking daughter Like what like got his fucking family all tied up and stuff. You're like you mess with my gerkels one more time I'll kill your grandparents and they're like curling. I bet you get a pretty fucking cutthroat

That's a bit extreme. I would just be like buddy. You are you killed my daughter You don't think that's a little bit like too much for me. I just banged your my gerkel is like my daughter Okay, just lastly as well a little lighthearted story opium opium addicted parents terrorize in indian poppy farmers Oh, you love your you love high animals I do there's a story you bring this again and again and it's always like I get a text It's like three in the morning your time right and I get and I just look and it's just like parrot drunk parrot shit and you're just like Love this story. Well, it's quite funny. What are you doing right now? What are you like outside of bus station yelling at people?

One poppy flower gives around 20 to 25 grams of opium But a large group of parrots feed on these plants around 30 40 times a day and some even fly away with poppy pods This affects the produce and the parrots wait until farmers slit open the opium poppy pods in order to ripen them At which point they began their attacks in 2017 the government's necrotic department issued a warning about the drug addicted birds After opium theft started occurring in several different regions So the parrots in india are having a hell of a good time and you know what parrots take care of yourself You know, it's a real epidemic opioid epidemic is so large. It's even affecting our more talkative birds I smoked opium a couple times and it's just like it's mostly just makes you very sleepy

Yeah, I mean, you know, I'm not a huge opium fella. I had uh, yeah, I was never I I'm not into it now because now I like all the sativas like all the upper Yeah, and all that kind of shit. I don't do a lot of the the downer weed anymore except for that skittles I got which was absolutely fantastic. That shit's like but I don't even know I still think about murder mountain and watch that guy fucking smoke in a bong load of skittles and then driving I have no clue how the fuck he does that dude. I think he has a A extremely high tolerance at this point. I would say that the tolerance levels are high with that man murder mountain A great doc you see and so I have two updates. I want to say for next week. I want to say

I mean, there's two of thing corrections real quick and and updates. Um, number one Um, yes, I now understand that it was the blue whale not the humpback whale That is the biggest animal. We don't we know we asked you but thank you for your information. Yeah, very good We are number two. We all just kept saying that we felt that we can't believe somebody set fire to that Porter potty and it didn't really occur to me being like why would someone send it fire to the porter potty? I imagine it would happen from the fucking inside and then we got a I was like, yeah, I realized afterwards being like Oh, yeah, this must have happened like from the inside could be right. Yeah, but apparently it is true The we got actually a follow-up from some I Kelly and got to send us an email

Um, and it says that they live in the neighborhood where that fire happened and it was a very beloved homeless man in the area named Randy Unfortunately was so cold that he decided to bring a space heater into the porter potty where he slept in the winter months It's a fucking heartbreaking story It is a fucking terrible story for your loss. Randy sounds like a great guy And it sucks when you lose someone who's like especially who's like a fixture of the neighborhood and that kind of shit Like that's very very intense and I'm very sorry for your loss. Yes. Sorry for your loss obviously In the world of crime and and uh, and horrible things. I hope you know, it's we were very sensitive people in our own rights

So we we've grown we've grown sensitive. I'm always been I'm very sensitive. I'll cry right now I'm like, uh, if you watch that's different. That's some mentally ill. No, no, no, it's like, um, odis from, uh, oh my god The great new wwe tag team heavy machinery Odis he is adorable. It kind of looks like you Henry, but like he's like even bigger I think people have pointed him out to me Yeah, he's cute and they were they the other tag teams heard his feelings and then he kicked all their butts because he was crying That's really fun. Oh, that's a good. That's uh, all right So make sure you know live every day knowing that you're in a house not in a porter potty

All right, unless you are so then you're or you're living in a porter potty And you know what if you're living in a porter potty you can only laugh about it Yeah, but the one thing I will say though, don't grow to love it because then you'll never want to expand yourself past it What do you need? You got the porter potty the world? No, man You need a fucking chip on your shoulder to make it in this fucking world But then again, you're you got your porter potty you go out into the world and then you go back to your porter potty You gotta be filled with fucking vigor to pull your you got a fucking strike at the universe with all of your will Oh, man, you sound you sound like, um

What was the guy that started national review? What was the name of that guy? It's not like you're reading like Anne Rand or something No, I'm not saying that I'm just saying I don't think that you should have to William Buckley But it does help if you can yes William William Buckley best of enemies actually or best of enemies a good documentary about I guess I've heard about it. Yeah I mean, you know, they're also they're pompous assholes. So it's also like a little bit like I watch I want to jump into the screen and just choke hold both of them to death But you know, it's just back when all commentary someone were like, uh

Uh, yes, but none of the fun was see like some bullshit. Yeah No, they pretend to be smart because uh, yeah, it's ridiculous. I hate when people are smarter than me It's fine. You smarter than me smarter than me It actually takes a lot more intelligence to understand complex things and regurgitate them in a way that other people can understand Because then you also don't feel like an elitist piece of crap Someone's feeling confident because he's got his new nicks jacket on Oh, yeah, nothing like the nicks to make me feel confident. I think they've won eight games All right, everyone. Well, thank you all so much for listening. We love you very much. Hail yourselves

Hail Satan My goose deletions and we'll be back with marcus in a few days a few days Darn, it's gonna be a deep day. You little episode. I got some fun little stories to tell you. Get away. Help me