Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Muyuns & Monsters

Episode Date: July 29, 2026

Henry & Eddie bring you this week's biggest stories and weirdest news - Henry loves The Muyun Brothers, the boys announce their new song Gods in Leather by Mass for Trash (feat. Henry & Marcus), Gooners causing chaos at Dollar Stores across the US, School Shooter Defense Drones, The War Crimes of The Minions, The Hat Man of Massachusetts, Listener Emails, and MORE! For Live Shows, Merch, and More Visit: www.LastPodcastOnTheLeft.comKevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 Licensehttp://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Last Podcast on the Left ad-free, plus get Friday episodes a whole week early. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.  Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last podcast. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. You like this?

Yeah. This doesn't make sense to me that you like this. But like his entryway to it. Was the Malaysian boys. Oh. Well, that's what you like about it. But I like that. But now I like the song.

Is it an old song? or a new song? No, it's a brand new song. Yeah, they did this version. This is the better version. Now I understand. These poor bastards. If you step in round the room, they're going to save up all their money to go to as a real.

It's been on his face. There's nothing I can do. You can take a crystal ball to see. How I always find. To wait and leave drinking jackal by myself He's choosing Texas I can tell That's the closest I get, man

Yeah, I'm full country, man I don't know I like that song I like that song sung by the Malaysian triple boys Those are the Mu Yoon brothers I believe that's how it's pronounced Those are the Mujun brothers

They're all the way from Central Ohio, Malaysia They should be called the Bloomin' Union Well, this is just... They're only wearing the flower outfits for this one song. I've played this on the stream several times. It's the one video I sent to our mutual friend, Billy Wayne Davis, over and over again. Oh, okay.

And now what's happened is I like... You played this on the stream? Yes. You weren't there for that one. He was the one he wasn't there for it. Oh, I was just like, man, I was like, I was like, I really do check out sometimes. I was like, wow, I was impressed by myself. No, no, no, you're forced to...

I make you at least acknowledge someone. of my little Asian men. But then I found myself liking the original song non-ironically. It went from the little Malaysian because the Malaysian boys, the triplets are probably 30. Yeah. But they look like their little toddlers, which is, again, my favorite type of person. Yeah.

I like them better than any other type of person. I like you to appear as a toddler and be able to smoke. That is, if you can appear as a toddler, be able to smoke. That is, if you can appear as a toddler, be able to smoke, have a conversation with me, and we can go drink together. You're my favorite person in the world. Having a little Malaysian boy, man, pop right up on my shoulder, like a parrot. You would love them. Nothing would make me happier that I have his little hooked feet.

You can't buy one. You cannot buy one, Henry. I do understand the Muion brothers need to be purchased as a... group. And that is fine. I will provide the Mu Yoon brothers. I have one room that they can stay in, which I'm certain will be far more luxurious than what they're used to. And I think that I can really show them the town. I think it'd be me, the Mu Yun brothers, fucking too chuky.

We could go out there and just take over Los Angeles. Okay. At the blue note. You like it. It makes you very happy. Well, I need to go to the blue note again. We could book the Blue Note. Me and the Mu Yoon brothers at the... Hold on a second. You're going to do the blue note without me? Unfortunately, yes. Unfortunately, it's the Muyan Brothers. Burn this building into the ground.

This is about bringing the Muion Brothers. I'm going to have to teach them the Ella Fitzgerald songbook. Yeah, you don't take them there. You take them to Tin Horn Flats. No. Well, Tin or Hat Flats does need the Muion Jump. Exactly. So we'll see you guys over next week.

So once I get the paperwork done for them, they've got to get their shots. And we do have to package them. I believe they do have to go under. underneath the plane. Oh, and the Ella Langley Chuson Texas video does star Luke Grimes from Yellowstone. I was correct. That's really interesting because it also has

another actual like, what's it, a boy writer, cowboy writer, a bull rider. A bull rider? Yeah, there's a guy in there is a real bull writer. Then he talks about how he's like, you can damn man pretend to be from the country because they don't fold their hat,

right? And it's like, bro, just leave me the fuck alone. I'm from Los Angeles. Yeah, Wade Bowen, maybe? I don't know. Who fucking cares. Cowboys are a bull rider. That guy. That's a real bull rider.

Oh, yeah, he looks like it. He is. He's a real bull rider. And he probably, honestly, he probably gave that little country lady the ride of her life. I don't know. I feel like he's got his mouth wrapped around Taylor Sheridan. Oh, yeah. He does.

Gotta keep him warm in the cold. Welcome to side stories. My name is Henry Zabrowski. I am sitting here with the illustrious, immune to country. country music, Ed Larson. I love country music. You don't like the song? I don't care about this song.

I need to learn about it more before I just... I can't like something on my first listen. She's choosing Texas... I need to understand something a little more. So far, I don't really like it. But things grow on me. You know, I'm a Sturgel man. I know, but Sturgeal...

I like real country. I like, you know, this is... I like real country. No, but this is like pop country. Yeah, I like... I'm not a Casey Musgraves. No. That's as far as I'll go as maybe I'll listen to some of it.

This is a part of it. me doing this. Yeah. It's because my... I think this is great, by the way. Yes, I need some happier music. My therapist, I was talking with my therapist about my, not recent, but it seems to be overbuilding what I've seemed to be calling like rage episodes. Yeah. That I've been experiencing on and off since I was born. So he puts the pissed and therapist. Yep. And when he told me this week was that any time I think of something bad, right? If we're something bad, right? Or for some combat, or like, let's say I'm deep in a violent fantasy about what I want to do to various people that I consider to be villains surround me in a circle, right?

Yeah. And then every time I want to do something like that, when I want... Henry is a new gym enemy. We all know. The audience knows. The audience knows, yeah. And when I fantasize out loud about what I want to happen, right? And the way I think that encounters will go.

My therapist said, pause, when you... go into this because righteous anger feels good. Yeah. Righteous anger feels good, but also afterwards I feel tired Eddie. Of course. Because I don't feel with righteous anger. You can't get mad all the time. I mean, you know, you can't. I physically can't. So you'll die. He says to turn to nice things.

So every single time I experience pure rage, I'm supposed to then put on something that's really nice. It's my new pan flutes. So your therapist when you complained and said you're going through fits of rage and thinking

about murdering someone. Not murder. You said you wished your hands were knives earlier. Yeah, I said that. I was a kind of an extended fun idea about how nice it would be if my hands were indeed blades and I could experience

the cutting of the flesh on my own and to be the night. And he said, think of something nice. He said pet the dogs. Pet the dogs? He said when you, you're in that headspace, you should pet the dogs.

I feel like you have to fire this man. No, he's really good. Look at how much I'm healed. Already. Speaking of, that's what the dogs are healed. No, no, they're actually quite not trained. No.

They do whatever the living fuck they want to do. Yeah, I got a new puppy at the house. If anyone needs a fucking puppy. Yeah, he's trying to get rid of this dog. I got to get rid of this puppy. So if anyone needs a puppy, he's real cute. His name's Murphy. And he was supposed to go to another foster house on Wednesday.

And they're like, nah, you got it. Yeah, sure. So he's just living in my house. And we're not a puppy house. Oh, he's, they really just... We're not a puppy house. He's just squatting there. He's very cute.

He's very... I don't know what he is. He looks like a yellow lab corgi mix if I had to guess. But I still don't know what he is. But he's very cute. And I'd say, for a puppy, he's very sleepy. And so I think that's very good. But let's move him on out.

at gmail.com oh let's take that back hamline dot any tunes at gmail.com and also I have three Malaysian men that honestly lied about their age

they really need to get out of my house actually now that I have brought them over I just found they are a little bit more mature than I want them to be and they're leaving cigar ash everywhere and stayed burnt they burnt Natalie with the end of one of their stogies

And I said they'll get asked to stop. They came in. They killed the fish. They ate its guts. They made a bunch of blood soup. And now I can't get them out of my house. They're not toddlers. They're not toddlers.

They are full grown men. And I hope you love the song choosing Texas. Because it's the only one they know in English. I was thinking of like, you know, new plays on words when I was doing nothing and just thinking at the looking at the wall. And if there was a didler named Todd, would he be a toddler? Yes. Thank you.

I feel like we can start the show now. Thank you. Yeah, now let's start. Welcome to Side Stories. My name's Henry Zabrowski. We've been warming up, getting ready to talk on the show. I am selling three Malaysian boys men for money, and I will split 10% of it with them to hopefully fund that they need a new, they need a home and they have to move as a group. And they need new shoes.

Yes. They need new shoes. Yeah, because they were their tap dancing too hard. Yeah, they're very good. They have a million followers on TikTok. They have a million followers on TikTok? They're crushing it. Wow.

No, I love the Mu Youn Brothers. No, the Muir and brothers are unstoppable. You know who doesn't have a million followers on TikTok? You guys got to get in there. You got to go to LPOTL.kiswee.com to watch the stream. We have a couple more days left. We just have seen our stream. Peepee.

They're Peepee. J.K. Ultra live at Oklahoma City Tower Theater is available at LPOTL.K.com. Go watch the stream. It's available until Saturday. There you go, and also check out our brand new single from our Halloween sound effects album, which we'll be announcing a second pressing up soon. But you can go listen to Gods and Leather by the enigmatic band, Master Trash Anywhere's songs are available. Yes.

For streaming. And our wonderful, the wonderful, Ash Gordon wrote the song. Saying the song with us. Saying the song. And they just had a child. Let's get some listens to get them some money for the child. The only way they're going to make money and you know how much money they make off of Spotify. Yes.

So please. Let's get her these 30 cents. And go and check out, Fred Jans' a revolting repository of Gassley Sounds, Volume 1 and 2, which will be coming back out. Yes. Very soon. Yes.

Also, yeah, come see us at Mid-Summer Scream. There might be an announcement there. Oh. So we got some stories. I got some stories. I love stories. I first want to start with your story. This story about the dollar store.

Oh, yes. I think that we should start with this. I look you call it my story. This is your story. Your favorite story of the week. You know, well, it's not my favorite. It's the most insane story that there is this week. Yeah, the dollar stores, don't go to dollar stores.

Don't go to dollar stores. They're independently evil without this, but apparently gouners are going in there and coming on the employees and they're coming on the patrons. And sometimes the gooners are employees that are coming on the patrons. And so that's the problem is that not all dollar store employees are gooners, but all gooners are dollar store employees. So that says it's hard to parse it sometimes. I do understand. Yes, they call themselves the dollar goonerals. There is like a weird, like, TikTok trend of coming on people at dollar stores.

So the first thing is, we covered the first ever gooneral this year, I believe, in which a fellow member of the goon community died, and a group of gooners and a goonists got together, a goonets. and they gooned publicly for this fallen comrade of theirs. And that was like the first time the public really heard the term gooning, which we know is long for masturbating. But I still like don't totally understand gooning. It is all day masturbating.

Sometimes it's coming when you needed to be. I feel like it's just a term that changes all the time. It is. I don't think there's rules to it. You're right. There is a term that's because what they're doing is it is a, they have a term to do it out because this is very specific. Gooning, really, honestly, Eddie,

gooning is just masturbating all day. It's either to come or to not fully come. Some guys come multiple times. It's just spending your entire existence thinking about masturbating and pornography. That is your whole, and instead of them, the goal is instead of being losers, right? That's a identity.

That's a thing that they're taking on. But the thing is, if you're doing this at home, good for you. I mean, that's what we... In your house. But that's the problem. I also will say, maybe you shouldn't. No, you shouldn't, but also...

Just jerk off the ones. Keep them out of society. Keep them at home. Well, it's hard. That's kind of how I feel about it. So what these guys started doing, this is a thing. It's a trend amongst them. It's mostly a dollar.

This is a dollar trees, it seems to be. It's in all three. It's a dollar trees, dollar generals, and over at Family Dollar as well. That's great. I love jerking off at the Family Dollar. Yeah, well, Family Dollar is also owned by. dollar tree is the same people nothing would make me happier than coming on a grandmother a mother and the grandchild all at once I love a family dollar but

this these guys go and they it's they do it's called tagging sharking come sharking that's what they call is when they come on people just outside yeah online forums have this I love this idea of that they are in praise for being low in-hib yes which means that they're low and they want to be worthless yes so they also have low inhibition so they are they have lack of shame and so they are praised amongst each other for showing lack of shame. This is a thing that the young men are struggling with. So it's weird because, like, this existed, you know, losers always existed.

Masturbation has been around a long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's been cocks and pussies. Yeah. There's been people jerking them off and sticking stuff in them. Yeah, but I think just the readily available pornography is kind of like up this to the next level. You see, I feel on one hand, And, like, yes, I also feel, on the other hand, it's, to me, it's more of the social thing because there has been this much internet pornography since day one.

Yeah. Pornography and UFOs are the two driving forces of the internet as we know it today. Those are the real, like the, I guess I agree with that. The Usenet groups that created that all original conspiracy theory thought came out of, and all of the technology that's on the cutting edge was all used by pornography. pornography was the ones that made Blu-ray win. They first. They were the one. They are the first ones to honestly, pornography is super-charging the metal glasses industry.

It is supercharging that industry. They love it too. Well, it's because it is technology that allows them to shoot really intense POV scenarios which is really great for Gooners. But I don't think that it's necessarily just the amount of pornography

that's leading to Gooners. It's the attention that public gooning gets them and how much of losers people have become. So I think the problem with the Internet is more of we're letting them talk to each other and find each other. Well, we always used to be a thing and guys used to masturbate collectively. We also know guys that do that traffic in CSAM. What they'll do a lot of times, which I'm one thing I did not, I actually found interesting, is they ship them in UNICEF envelope. What? Yes, they go and they take UNICEF envelopes and volunteer.

Like, you give to, like, that's where they hide CSAM when they mail it. Really? Yes. And so it is very, it's, I don't think that it's the proliferation. I just think that it's the idea that it become an identity. It's this idea that every single thing now has to be your literal brand. Yeah. But also, I think the main reason that they're doing it at the Dollar General, at the family tree, at the dollar tree, at the

family dollar is because those companies are not holding anyone accountable. Exactly. Well, that's a part of what... That is the problem. Because, like, if you do this at a public's, you'll get fucking beat to death. Yes. You know, but if you do this at the dollar general, no one... You report it

and no one... It doesn't go unnoticed. They literally, there's women reporting this happening to them, and then they'll go tell someone, and then they'll hear, be like, ah, we got another one. And that's literally how they deal with this thing. Yeah, they don't care, because they do think of it as a local issue, and They don't understand that they are filming it and putting on the internet and then monetizing it.

Yeah. And they're also all egging each other on to do it. They're all like building groups and they're talking about doing it. They know which ones to hit. They know what they know the literal schedules. Yeah. Of managers. They know where to go.

They are. They've been, they orchestrate it. It's a part of the gooning. The thing with the business model of the Dollar General is that they eliminate employees more and more. And so you will have a situation. There'll be a dollar general in a not so great neighborhood, and there'll be one employee lock it up at night. It's extremely dangerous for that employee already, and now they're being targeted by comp artists. Well, it's why we should probably get rid of all of the human staff.

We've got to get rid of the human staff of these places and staff them with robots with artillery weapons. Yes. But this is the problem is that no one wants to deal with it. Nobody wants to deal with it. No one knows properly how to deal with it besides literally beating the living shirt out of each. one of them, which we should probably start doing. Also, I go to a Starbucks the other day. There's a cop in the corner watching security.

How come there's no fucking security at the Dollar General where things are arguably much more dangerous? That costs a lot of money, Eddie. Yeah. They refuse to keep people safe at these places. Well, they don't want to pay because it's a dollar tree and they have decided that also poor people deserve this type of atmosphere.

Yeah. That's the idea is that they know that poor people will have a hard time wanting to get involved and call the police and do all of these things. because, God forbid, they get pulled in. Or they're a fucking immigrant. Or a whole thing. So it's like, yeah, it all works.

They decide this is a symptom of a systemic issue. Yeah. This is not about porn. No, it's not. No, this is a bigger issue. This is a hole in society that has been unchecked for fucking many years. Dollar tree, dollar stores have been ruining our fucking country for a very long time. They create food deserts.

They move multiple in next to goddamn grocery stores in the middle of rural area. They put the grocery stores out of business, and then people got to drive 50 miles for fucking lettuce that now has E. Coli in it. Well, listen, hey, the poo-poo lettuce gives me time to spend time. I love being alone. And it's also really nice. I need to lose about 10 pounds.

And it's easy that way. Yes. But they're saying they're taking steps. No, they're not. They're taking steps. They're doing something now that it's become national news finally. This should have been national news a fucking year and a half ago when it started. but people have been too scared to report it.

They've been underpaid. You know, I'm making fucking, what, $10 an hour? What's the minimum wage right now? Then you're just like, you're supposed to stop someone from jerking off on a grandma? That's kind of what they're saying here too, which I think is like, it's fucked. They're all like, as you could see, he was pleasuring himself for a while outside of the register. And then he went and he was jerking himself off over by the security officers. And you're watching video of staff making minimum wage or less.

It's like a 15-year-old girl sometimes. Literally just trying not to look at the masturbating man. That's what they're trying to do. They're not going to be police officers. I remember when I work for fucking borders, the way they talked about us trying to like, they're like, don't you even hesitate to tackle somebody running out of here with a book? And it's like, fuck you.

It's a book. Fuck you. You got got not to attraction. The book should be the one thing you're allowed to steal. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's what Eve did. that's on Eve did that's how we got to this fucking place to begin

with like Adam is all Eve's fault yeah this is what all this was this is from the very beginning this is the kind of shit that happens on subways like every day and like people just don't talk about but subways got cops yeah true but like

and they got like true justice you know how many times that we dealt with cops fucking we got many people jerked off at us yeah yeah you know we did too but you see that and that was before gooning yeah they just did it for the love of the game

those were yeah those guys I didn't know they were going. It was before it was monetized. They were like, hold on, there's a name for what I do? What do you mean? I do, I belong. There's a community. You mean to tell me there's somewhere for me to go?

I need to get out of the sewers and join society. They're choosing goonin'n and I can tell. By the way, they pulled their penis out the room. They're choosing gooning. No, yeah, because it's amazing. Yeah, so in that way, it does, it does. Give a home for them. Yeah.

So if, like, if someone goes home on their lunch break and jerks off for the entire hour and doesn't come, is that going to have a gooner? That's what I would say. Yeah. I have a three more tunny gooner. Get you drunk to finish. I'm fucking terrified of this shit. Of course you're terrified of this shit. Because when it comes down to it, if some guy whips his dick out, I'm going to fucking come in to freak out on him.

I'm going to throw shit at him. But then I'm going to think about my dogs. Yeah. And before he's gonna pull out his penis at me. I'm gonna think to fucking attack his penis, but the first thing I don't think of, Mu-Yun brothers wouldn't want that. No, you're right.

The Mu-un-un-un brothers. You don't even realize it until you're outside sometimes, and you, like, look on your legs. Oh, yeah, she got spattered with cum, and she saw it into outside because she was like, I couldn't be come, and then she realized it indeed was. Yes.

And that's why, you know, none of this is, none of this, no one deserves any of this. No. None of the staff deserves it. none of the people at the registers none of the people the fucking store deserve it and they need to find the CEO of fucking dollar general

and tie him to a curb and everyone show up and fucking jerk off all over him nothing would make me happier honestly if there was a place I could pay money to jerk off on the legs of a CEO of a dollar store oh my god that would do so much for me they got a picture of him look yeah they got the back of them

they didn't get the real picture of them yeah no he fucking it's been happening. They're like... Also, I hope it's him. Right? I pray to God it's that guy and not some random man that happened to be there

or had an inch on his belt. Because that's the other problem too. That's the main... That's an usher script man. It could be anybody. It could be anybody. You have to fucking catch them as they are coming, which is hard.

Because you're in shock. If we can't get pictures of UFOs, how are we supposed to get pictures of Gunners? Exactly. Well, at least they, you know, they don't have reflective things on them. you know, we, I think it's easier to get a picture of a gooner. I think, all right,

body cams for everybody. Yeah, done. Thank you. Thank you. I was trying to get him there. At least dollar store employees should have body cams. Oh, God. That's the most to fucking dystopian shit. Honestly, though, I will say, if I see

meta glasses anywhere near me, I'm going to fucking slap them on your face. Don't you fucking... I can't tell. You can tell. I have... Anybody that is wearing glass that look like they're from this is that this is the advice they are glasses that look like they are from an lmf ao uh concert i feel like anyone in glasses who chooses to walk up to me and start talking to me is wearing meta glasses then you tell them man like you might as well they look like this they look like fake party's store glasses so when you wear them they look extremely like they look like extremely

cheap sunglasses they always have a little a little dot on the side yeah and they're shi you can see the camera on they're trying, which is like they're making more and more subtle every day. Yeah. Oh, Rayban makes them? Yeah, Rayban makes them. Oh, come on. Rayban is corrupt. These are cheaper than normal raybans.

Yeah, they are. That's aggravating. Yeah, because it's made out of plastic. It's a piece of shit. And guess what? How would they have a camera in it? How is it cheaper than a normal rayban? Because they make it out of cheaper material, Eddie.

I don't need more companies to hate. I am up to fucking here with companies I got a hate. I'll give you a list of, honestly, Eddie, I could give you a list. That's what I did. I looked up there are certain things that I got into the realm of because I'm a man with no children where I looked up independent sunglasses stores that have

nothing to do with these big giant companies. I looked up independent clothing stores that have nothing to do with the giant clothing mills. Because if it's $400, I might as well give it to some jerk off the array ban. But that's the thing. You give it to somebody who actually hand makes it. A lot of those places have a lifetime currency. Sorry, I called you jerk off random

sunglass person. Yeah, it's not your fault. Yeah, but you know what I mean. He knows. He's just, he's just striking out. Nothing to you. He's just lashing. That's where you've got to think. You're going to... I'm sorry.

I'm actually... This is the new pan... I'm sorry. You're starting to get me on it. No kidding there. Live from your blade. All right, here we go. Let's talk about this.

So this is an interesting, another interesting story I just want to bring to the forefront. Okay. And we'll get into this, which is a case that is currently going on in Hanover, Pennsylvania right now.

All right. A local... which, I know a better term, Beck Ravenswood that works at a magical store called Serpensky in Hanover, is currently suing the state of Pennsylvania

to get rid of their anti-fortune telling laws. So this is, it's very, it's fascinating. So where are the laws from? So this is literally from the 1800s. Yeah. So this law is based upon the idea of anybody. Fetterman ain't gonna

fucking help. Fetterman is brains are fucking scrambled eggs and he's about to vote for Benjamin Netanyahu to be president. He does no idea what's going on. He is the personification of a squawk. He's a Shrek. I don't know why we, why can't we, I'm just going to put aside stories, L-P-O-D-L-G-Mill.com. Why do

fuck don't we have a Democrat? Run as a fake MAGA. Run as a fake MAGA and then flip on the inside. Is that so hard? Is that so fucking hard? But yes, this lady, so essentially Beck Ravenswood, was the exact wrong glitch to do this too.

So there are several magic stores in this area, like around the world. Like, and I should know for a fact, there's magic stores throughout Pittsburgh, some magic stores throughout Philly. I've been to them. Yeah. And this place is interesting

because it seems she was targeted by somebody local. So two police officers arrived to speak with Beck Ravenswood about how her establishment where she was doing tarot cards needs to be shut down for this illegal idea.

of paying someone, which is an old concept that they had, about paying someone, it's illegal to pay someone to tell you the future. Yeah. So in Pennsylvania... No. So that's the thing is that in real tarot, you're not getting

a prognostication, you're not getting like, no one's telling you the future. They're not going to fucking predict your future. If they are, they're stealing from you. They're lying to you. So a part of tarot is supposed to help you with problems, thought processes, like, thinking about this, but it's really not

She looks cool. Design. Yeah, she's awesome. She's not, it's not designed to tell the future. There's ways to, quote unquote, do it like through the goal, like, you know, if you go through the entire Golden Path, they think you could do, but also that's required, that's a different type of terror reading. You have to read for

like a year and then it's like, it's like a whole process, but again, you're not paying money. And so a lot of people at the time, it's like the idea of anybody, any kind of shyster doing, any form of fake fortune. Yeah. Tarot cards are not that. So out of nowhere, these two police officers arrive at the Serpent's Key and talk with Beck Ravenswood saying, we've heard that you run an illegal fortune-telling business here, and we're here as friends to tell you got to shut down. And she's like, well, I'm going to record her conversation. She's like, no, absolutely not. No, we're private citizens here. And it's illegal for you to record us, which is not. It's not illegal. Yeah, they're cops. And they should have their body cams on and they didn't have their body cams on when they were talking to were because they think. So they could intimidate her.

So it seems, which is interesting. That's all mob shit. Oh, yes. And there are many other stores in their neighborhood that didn't get the same attention. So they just wanted to shut down or are they trying to get money out of her? Oh, they're trying to shut her down. They're trying to shut her down. And I think it's larger because they don't like her.

They don't like her personality. And they think that she is annoying. And they have decided that that's enough. And this is the problem, right? We can't just get rid of all annoying people. We've done it already. I wish we could. There's nothing I'd love better.

I would love. An anti-anoying person. I wish we could do it. But the problem is that everybody finds somebody else annoying for different reasons. It's a matter of opinion. It really is. I find many people annoying that people love. So many.

So many. And I, this person is now fighting the good fight because they're taking it all the way up to the Supreme Court of Pennsylvania. To talk about whether or not we are going to get rid of this law because it's antiquated. Because Beck is even coming forward and saying an actual, like, there is a middle way. It was like, we could do a thing where tarot card reader is. got a license. Yeah. Well, you pay a Vig every year and you get your little medallion.

I think that I can do it. Fine. Whatever you want. But then they better make all those other fucking bitches do it too. Oh, all the other tarot car readers. Yes. Which are, it seems that they, I honestly think a lot of it has to do with interpersonal issues in which someone knows a police officer.

I think there's plenty of reasons to come after like shady like fortune tellers. Yes. But this isn't what's happening in this situation. If you're going to have a Christian bookstore. you can have a tarot bookstore Exactly If you

If you take one down Then the other one goes to Because guess what's also A fucking lie And you pay money to Yeah The church Exactly

Right so you pay them money For nothing So at least this You get something out of it Yeah and if you put that bookstore in a church Do they pay taxes? Probably not

Of course not The church I grew up And had a bookstore Yeah and guess what they get All that money They bet they get all that fucking money All that money If I'm wrong about that

Please write in Side Stories L-B-O-T-L-L-G-M-O-T-L-G-M-I-I-N-I don't think so. I don't think so. I think any profits are completely fine. They're not taxable. I have no idea how it works. Yeah. But these guys are like, it's just, it's very interesting to see. This is why whenever we talk about Satanic panic shit on the show, we're still like, it's still happening. Very much so. This whole thing is what we're, what the right has done is this idea of let's weaponize the government against everybody we don't like.

And guess what that is? That's fascism that's going to head towards genocide. Because then it just turns it to this idea of this like, oh, because you've decided you don't like that person, that means it's wrong for, that person's immoral.

Yeah, and also, it's like every time they just always refer to the fucking Bible. Yeah, the Bible's fake. It's a random book. It's a paper with words on it. It's an important. That's all it is.

It's an important historical document that has nothing to do with my day-to-day actions. It's nothing to do with the goddamn law. Yeah, that's for sure. And every single time I... Just because it's in there doesn't mean I have to fucking believe it. And this week's episode, we covered Pratherianism. And it's the same thing. The reason why Pritharianism got as far as it dead is because of our natural inclination

in the United States of America to be polite about other people's religious beliefs and not immediately say, that's fucking stupid. You need to shut the fuck up. because we want to be open to people's belief systems. But the problem is that then it leads to stuff like Britharianism in which enough people said it was real that it caused enough fucking traction to get it, to kill five people.

So it's no idea is wrong. I don't believe in the concept of wrong ideas, but it's how we proliferate them and how we talk about them and how we need it, like, it's that idea of like, I'm just not taking you seriously just because you think you're, fueled by Christ. Yeah. I can't stand churches. I would wish that they were all gone. Every church should be a public house for human beings to just freely enter. That's what it should be.

I understand, but here's the other side of it. I think you have the right to exist. Yes. And so because you have the right to exist and just because I don't like you doesn't mean that I don't think you have the right to exist. That's called new ones. I just think you suck. Yeah. I just hate you. Yeah. And I won't go anywhere near you. But guess what? This is the United States of Goddam America and you're allowed to do your dumb shit over there. Yeah. So don't you fucking come and tell me I can't do my dumb shit. Over here, fuck you.

Yeah. Keep it to your goddamn self. Yes. And then we got these motherfuckers, these crazy-ass religious zealots trying to fucking come for the minion movie. They're saying that the minions used evil, like they used evil shit inside of their, like, rituals or whatever. And they just go banana.

Pacca, T.T. Paca. So apparently, spoil alert for the new minion movie, but apparently in the new minion movie, it's an old Hollywood movie, it's a prequel, and they're trying to make, they're trying to come because the minions were huge during the silent error, which is a hilarious concept to me. And then once it moves into the talkies, they like kicked out of the business of Hollywood. Can I honestly ask a question? What does that mean? What do you mean? Like, what is you, what are you even describing?

I'm describing the plot of the new minions and monsters movie But what, how did, how, what? So in the original, where did minions come from? They came from the movie Dispicable Me, right? Yes. Where they were his assistance.

I think they're slaves. Now, their slaves. They came from a little island, I think. No, okay. They were stolen. Oh, my brothers did it. Of course they did. Of course they did.

Yeah. But this is my question. All right. So minions were the slaves of the guy from Despicable Me who were supposed to like even though he had slaves. They were Steve Carell's slaves. They then were then independently actors.

Back in the day, apparently. I haven't seen the movie. That doesn't make any sense. I thought that they were just slaves. At this point, it's just making random garbage for people to enjoy. Are the minions not actively serving the Nazis as well? They could have. Do they not a part of the pogroms?

I think there's no way. Did minions help Stalin? Not slaves, apparently. They're volunteers. Oh, that's fucking. How much is he fucking? Ask Django. Why are they all dressed to say? Oh, we volunteered

to be like that. Oh, yeah. They can't talk in the wage. Don't listen to what they're saying. Does he lock the door to their fucking cabin at night? That banana means free him. They actually did put some sort of a story element in it so that the minions were not

around during the reign of Adolf Hitler. That is what? But now they're around during the talkies. That makes me angry. You can't pick and choose. You can't pick a cheese! They are evil or not. That's them saying that they would have been Nazis.

They were stuck in an ice cage between the years of 1812 and 1968. Then how were they making silent films? Oh my God. That is the, that is fucking what, that is cheated. That's because they knew. They knew they would be Nazis. You can't just take them out of Nazis. Just because they're not available for the job doesn't mean they're not Nazis.

Guess where else they then be in Afghanistan with Osama bin Laden? Yes. Guess they all they'd be. They're definitely in a Nazi. There are so many reasons. There's 7-6-4. Well, if they were, they would have changed it to Nisis. Banana.

No, it would have been like. See, there's plenty of reasons to hate the minions without being scared of them summoning a Cthululu baby. I hate the gitsitukukovagana. I hate the nonsense talk. It says they psychologically need to help evil people. They will suffer a form of depression if they don't. That's a great concept. That's really funny.

It's like the candelabra from Beauty and the Beast, except for fucking, um, he's a rapist. Pol Pot. Yeah. Lumierre is fucking raping those dusters. Those are good. There is a... How he never set one of them on fire either is beyond me. There is an expose on Netflix on its way.

Dude, all right. So Lumierre sets a fucking duster on fire when he's fucking raping it, all right? And then the goddamn beast, who is a captor. Keep it going. Keep it going. They falls in love with his, I guess, prisoner bell. And then everyone gets turned back into human. That duster is covered in fucking burn scars.

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. I think a permanent fucking dance. By the way, he's two-step in round the road. Yeah, I agree with you. You know I agree with you. Yeah. Well, you know, kill them all.

So, don't listen to anyone who tells you not to see them. Don't go see the minion movie because it sucks. Just get, just don't see the minion movie. I just feel like there's something else you can give kids these days except going, Gipokulatu, not anything else? Imagine reading the script. Yeah, you know, how many actors are just fucking, I mean, it's a huge gig, though. I would nothing, please hire me.

Yeah. Please hire me to go, I'll do whatever you want. You'd be a great minion. The cast is stacked. Trey Parker's in it. Trey Parker is the head. He plays Gooney.

Gumi. Gumi. Okay. Trey Parker did that specifically. George Lucas is in it? Yeah. He plays himself. Everybody, every director needs to be in a movie now.

Yeah, they do. That fucking good boy. He did it like for his grandkids, I think. Trey Parker. also did it because his kids begged him. Because he said no one ever asked him to do anything. And they finally, they were like, they were like, should I do the Minion movie?

And his kids were like, Minions! Minions! Manions! And he's just like, I made some of the most important cartoon characters of all time. Minions! He's going to make so much money. Yeah, he is. He's fine. Let's just say he's fine. He loves the strippers.

There's baby Cthulhu. Get out of here. I'm already angry. You know what I agree with the Christians. I agree with the Christians. I hate that fucking shit. I hate it. You're right?

You know what? It is an abomination. I hate them. They're ripping off Lovecraft. They are. That is like, I mean, you're talking about, I mean, he's racist. That's fun, though. But, yeah, he was, he was interesting.

It was interesting. All right, we go. We got this next story. This comes off of what we were talking about, about this fucking, the concept of wearing a diaper to go to the front of a, a concert, like the front of a place. Like, I had, I was shocked. and how many people

were fine with it. We got a lot of people wrote it and said that did it. They like, that they do that. That's customary. Yeah. It's like so common that it's just like, everyone's like,

yeah, people wear diapers all the time to the front. I totally knew this and you didn't, which cracks me up. I feel like this is something that you would be on the level with. No. Yeah.

No, that's disgusting. Bonapoo, man. That's disgusting to me. I'm also one of those because I think I have a little bit of social anxiety, so I don't like being up close.

I like being in the back. Yeah. I don't like being up front. I don't like feeling trapped in the front that scares me. No, Henry only goes to like the celebrity ring on the side of the stage. I go to the stage. I do. I try to go to nor.

I just think that's fine. I go there, but I also try to go below. I like go to the back. Yeah. I like to be in the back. I just, I get scared in there. I don't like being up in the mix. I'm not trying to be in there.

We're old, man. I want to be in the mix. I'm out of the loop. It's not for me, man. I don't want. I'm mosh pitted. I did my time. I'm out. Yeah, I'm done. I'm out.

But this is disgusting. This came from a band called this. Someone went to go see Devil's Ken. In the sister city to my hometown, Danaden, New Zealand, which I find interesting. Dunedin. Dunedin? Dunedin is technically the neighborhood right next to where I'm technically where my family is in Florida. I was wondering why I knew the fucking name.

Yes. Dunedin is the Scottish sister city. That's where I stayed. They drink hard in Dunedden. It's Florida. They don't like their families. I went for breakfast in Dunedin at the most popular breakfast spot. And then the only way I could get in is if I sat at the bar, which is just like a table at the end of the fucking building. And I always saw them pouring those drinks.

It was all vodka. Let's just say... It was early. Let's say Florida's real loose with the drinking all day and driving concepts. Everyone was driving out of that place. Everyone was drinking hard. I've never seen... I've worked in the bar.

for almost 20 years, I ain't never seen drinking like that. You know why? It's because you don't have the guts to take it upon yourself to get your family home safe because those morning drinks don't count. It's juice. Okay. Orange juice is in it. There's juice in it.

You have pancakes. They're being healthy. They're getting their vitamin C. You're all fortified. You're ready to go. That's not alcohol in that way. You're right. Alcohol is different.

For them, that sort of allows them to drive. Yeah, let's wake up juice. Yes. Yeah. Well, it's because of the shakes. From the night before. Yeah. So this person, someone who went to this concert in Devil's Kid,

Damien Radburned, he told stuff, they all realized they smelled his smell. It was a poo-like smell. And they said that they were all in the front, and all of a sudden he noticed that a man in front of him did the patented, I'm going to try to shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shook an active poo out of his pant leg, right? But how did it get everywhere? It had to have been loose.

So he was real loose. And then he says what he did was he watched the poop go. So the man said he was watching the whole thing happen. And he watched the guy shit out of his pant leg. And then he watched him try to kick the poopoo away. Yeah. Smeared it everywhere. And then when he's...

Because there's beer on the ground. Yep. And it just mixes it. It was wet. It was a wet mum. It's a concert. Yep. Because, you know, he had got nachos.

You're upset. And so parking was insane. And you can't go to the bathroom. It ain't going to be a pretty. No, no, nope, I don't know that. Foc certain. And so he, they then, everybody was stepping in it. And then it turned into a gigantic shit, like, then the shit spread all over the floor, right?

Yeah. Because everyone was dancing to singing it. To the point where the lead singer of Devilskin had a stop and say, what the fuck is going on here? Why is everybody, why is what's the panic here? Security came on stage and told them to stop. Yes, because it was disgusting. Because guess what then people started doing? vomiting.

Yes, on top of the shit. On top of the shit. Yes. And they're already smelly because they're from New Zealand. Well, New Zealand people aren't that smelly. I'm just saying at a concert. At a concert, they're there. Yeah, at a concert, they're smelly in there.

I feel like they're kind of clean over there. They can be. It was a metal concert. It was a metal concert. They're always thinking. They can get smelly in there. It doesn't matter. One of the women who saw the shit called it huge, massive.

I hadn't seen one that big before. I'm proud of the guy. But I do find interesting. about like New Zealand and Australia and stuff like that. They don't like naming the person that did everything. They don't shame you. Well, they're not guilty yet. Yeah, I mean, they like poop-in. They know who the guy who did it.

I know who did it, but you know, you got to go through the whole process. Of what? Court. For what? For fucking defecating and public. They said he was in a mouth. He said there's going to be no charges because they said it was a medical emergency.

Oh, okay. Well, the guy shit himself. The guy should never have gone to a concert. because I'm just going to, I just dealt with this with Jackie because she had the duke, the dukey flu. Uh-huh. And she's still going out and doing stuff. I was like, no.

You can't. Keep it at home. The last thing you want is an accident. If you have diarrhea, stay the fuck home. Well, sometimes light diarrhea is fine. Just kind of like a little squirt. Stay home. I think a little, a little, some diarrhea is fine.

Can I give a 42-year-old man's level advice and just tell you, just stay home? I'll give you a 45. year old's advice and sometimes it happens. Yeah. You know, I honestly very rarely have diarrhea these days now. Yeah? It's pretty great. That's because we're not drinking that much. Yeah. It's really all of it.

God, we're such a whiskey. It's the whiskey that really chops it all up for you like that. We're such fucking pussies. I know, that's what happened. But yeah, no, so they stopped the concert, they cleaned it up and then started again. Oh, well, you know, again, show's got to go on. Which I found to be very nice. Yeah, I agree with that. Yeah. And then, you know, to stay, I know

we're not getting the listener mail just yet, but there is one listener mail that's very similar to this. So someone, I saw this one, and I had to flag it. They say they're pro concert diaper. This is one of our fans. They listened to us and they told us that they're pro. They said they were attended the recent Pittsburgh show and they had a good time. They said they didn't wear a concert diaper to our show, which is thank you because it is kind of long.

Yeah, it's a theater. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like when we perform in the theater, don't actively go to the bathroom in your pants. So they say in college, in college, I waited six hours in line to see Paramore, and I was on a mission to be in the front. I wore an adult diaper for the line and the duration of the concert. Shockingly, I did have a girlfriend with me who was fully aware of the diaper. I didn't shit, but pissed a lot.

And by the end of the show, there was some leakage. We danced, made friends with another couple who had no idea they were partying with a bag of piss. I'm not a gross human anymore You're not? But it was the best concert ever I stand by the concert diaper It definitely wasn't the best concert ever It's Paramarmore

It's Paramour It's awful Paramour We're just coming out here I'm just saying right now I'm just we're doing this If you gotta cover yourself in piss You don't do it for Paramour If you're gonna cover yourself in piss

It better be for somebody who Ozzie's dead So I don't know who you do it for I'm trying to think who I would cover myself in piss to see before they died I think that The only person I would maybe A Zeppelin reunite?

Absolutely not. No. I don't care about them anymore. No, they sound like shit now. Yeah. I've seen the Who, they're fine. Yeah, I kind of seen whoever, everyone I wanted to see. Who died see who I would love there or more, though. I mean, I love Haley Williams. I know you're, well, you, Rob like singers. Yeah, Rob likes this. She's great.

People keep saying her voice is wonderful, but like, so are opera singers. I don't listen to that. You know, like, she's not for us, Eddie. Let's just get off of this because people are going to get angry and angry and angry. I like making people angry sometimes. I know. I do, too. This is one of those.

They're just going to get angry, and we are the type of people that this is just... It's definitely not for us. It's not for us. It's definitely not. You don't want us there. If I was there, I should be asked to leave. Yes, I'm a bummer there. I would ruin your time if I was there.

I'm not supposed to be there. I've tried Paramore, and boy, you don't want me there. You need para less. Oh, I need a whole bunch less. GA for me. Yeah. She is not for me. It was, yeah, no, it's, yeah.

That's fine. But same time, go to the bathroom. You know what? I'm glad he fucking pissed his pants of that show. Honestly, if there was a place to ruin it, a time for everybody else.

See, now that I'm, now I'm thinking about this, I'm going all, I'm going full circle. I say it's good. You go to like one of the, like stagecoach festival. Dude,

that's exactly. I'm literally going straight. I'm going to buy tickets for Morgan Wallin. I'm going to sit in the front row. I am going to actively fucking shit my pants in the front of the front row,

Morgan Wallin and go, help. Help! Help! Well, that's where this happened recently. Help! Help me! So when we got peed on it, the Morgan Wallen got.

We covered it last week? Yeah, somebody got paid on. So now we just have to make it a thing. Yep. I think it's just what we do. All right. Morgan Pissing. We're going to hire all the Gooners,

and we're going to send in the Morgan Wallen. Oh, my God, dude. Oh, my God, dude. Yeah, yeah. Done, sidecores, L-P-O-D-L at email.com. We claim that. We claim that. That's ours.

That's our idea. Gooners unite. Honestly, I do want to get the gooners together. I do also have other plants. We could unite the gooners. That's a voting block that we might need. I mean, they are united. If we could create gooner-centered legislation that helps the gooners.

Although their whole thing is chaos, though. Well, no, the idea is if we can give them... It would be bad to give them gooning zones. Here's the problem. If someone says that, hey, you can come on me, gooners, they immediately don't want it no more. That's the problem. They want to come on innocent people. Actors that can act outraged.

Okay. About being come down. But they secretly like it. Or they're just neutral with it as a job. So the Craigslist ad is looking for come-loving actors who could pretend that they don't love come. Looking for actors. All it needs to be is actors who can act like they don't mind being comeed on. Or they're angry by being cummed on.

That's it. Yes. Because then it's really about, you don't have to put anything else in there. Because then it could be people that like. it and then people who don't like who just don't like you just want money yeah we just they should be allowed to do that we saw pink flamingos this past weekend so you know

pink flamingos literally contains the DNA of every one of his other movies if you don't like pink flamingos every other john water's movie is a reverberation from plank flamingos I'm glad pink flamingos exists I hope I never see it again I love it I love it I got right into it

I got right under his skin he couldn't handle it I hated it I loved it But I love them and I love the chaos that it brings to the community. I love that movie. But yeah, and I'm glad I saw it because it's history. But, man, I'm done. Here's my thing about Pink Flamingos. If you really want to see Pink Flamingos, you don't have to.

Go watch one of his better movies. I love Pink Lamingos. It's good to see. I think you do it. I recommend it to everybody. Watch it with a group of friends. Yeah, that's the funest way to do it. Don't watch it alone.

I've watched it alone. But it's fun with a group of friends. That's the only the time I've ever seen it. I've ever seen it with people. I've only ever seen it alone If I saw it alone I would have turned it off And like been upset all day

See I watched that alone I've seen martyrs alone I'm for a dream I love watching things alone That are horrific Yeah that's my favorite Yeah we're gonna watch Sallow Tonight yeah

Eddie and I are getting together We're gonna fucking hang out Get pizza and eat Sallow We're gonna mix that up Yeah go listen We're gonna see Sallow together Eddie and I And then my next goal is

For our next episode For movie signs Is that I just got movie stories Movie stories My next episode of movie stories I'm bringing in I got my 4K of basic instinct and showgirls, and we're going to bring all the boys together,

and I'm making stew again. Yeah. I'm going to make stew, and we're going to watch show girls. I mean, fish stew this time. Yeah. Fish stew and showgirls. Yeah, what a weird mix. It is weird.

That's a weird mix. I want to make it upsetting. Speaking of upsetting. It's going to be upsetting. Live from your play. Yeah, what do you want to talk about? Because I got this one story that I'm obsessed with, and I just started reading about it.

And there isn't much to it yet, but we both have those. Yeah, so why don't you go first? The hat man. The hat man. The hat man is, uh, he is out of Narek, Massachusetts. This guy's been around for a while, apparently. He's been around for at least a year plus.

He's now identified as Hernan Villigran Lux. He is from Massachusetts area. And the reason why we know him is because he's a bit of a creepzoid. He's been known as the hat man. Some people are calling him a mom. And you know, people that are calling him a mime are ignorant. Yeah, no, he's not a mime. No, he talks.

He is actively not a mime. He does talk. If you think, if you say the words mime to me, I know for a fact, you don't know what you're talking about. What he dresses as, as a mysterious slender man style character with weird, I want to say, he has these weird paper-like things glued to his face. Yeah. They make him look white. Like he has white makeup on, kind of like Smart School Boy 9, but it's not. It's stuff glued to his face.

And he wears a giant top hat. and he has a cane. Now, the thing is at first, people were thinking he was funny. He would do this, like, affectation of walking around, and people were like, oh, he's being some interesting guy. He's on the younger side. Yeah, he's very young. He's young.

And people would notice that he would follow him on Instagram, and he would post all these weird photos of himself in this, like, make up and this get up. He was walking back and forth, creeping people out. But until then, that was not a crime. It's not a crime just to be creepy. No. Because then they'd get us all, wouldn't they? And so this guy then took a step farther.

So what he was doing is, again, not a mime, he would go him up to people while they were walking, and he began to sort of make sexual advances. He was rubbing himself on people. They were sitting at bus stops, right? That was like a big one thing you do, drive by. And he just hit him with a tip. Like you scrape him across the shoulder blades.

But he had his pants on. Yes. And so then, which not that that makes it right. You're right. And I'm just trying to like know the difference. There were steps because then that was... It's as bad as dollar store gooning. No.

But then it increased. He would begin to remove his clothes in front of people. And so everyone was like they didn't like that. And so the final step came when apparently he was removing his very heavy clothes because he has a tie on and his shirt. He rents tuxedos it looks like. Yeah, it looks like or he has one tuxedo that he keeps by himself. He has a social media presence.

That's extremely disturbing. He has lots of nice clothes. Well, he has... Even his underwear is like, you could tell it's fancy. I think that you are extremely generous for him. I think that's nice underwear. I don't, Eddie. You know?

Well, I mean, he's wearing it, so that makes it bad. So can we play? Can we hear some of his voice there, Rob? Viener... So he talks about drinking. But we're going to be a prosperity. our attitudes not we're

taking to acquire to the prosperity. I don't understand. I don't know. Someone will tell me what he said. But he is a,

he's very creepy in the video, but what he was doing was taken off his clothes covering himself in cooking oil. Yeah. As you can see in that photo right there.

So that's an example right next to you can see he's covered in oil. No, he loves the tiny shorts covered in oil pictures in the, at the park.

Yeah. Which I'm guessing is the same park. And it seems that that is what he eventually got busted for, which was removing all this clothing,

cover himself in cooking oil and gyrating very closely at people. So he's been arrested, which is great. They're going to do what they can with him. But now we have another villain on the scene. And I do find interesting that now we have a smart schoolboy 9. He's definitely inspired by Smart School Boy 9.

Absolutely. We've got the Burbank Butt Sniffer. Yeah. We've got who just got arrested again. They don't know what to do with him. We have got the hugger. Oh, yeah, the guy. Piggyback bandit.

And the hat man now. And what I find interesting is that... And there's the guy who dresses like a gimp and gets stomped on. Yes. We have super villain culture is big. Would you put the quiet man who stands in the middle of the road in this group? Oh, the silent man. No, he's a folk hero.

Yeah, yeah. He's a folk hero. He understands. He's not sexually insulting anybody. No, no, no, no. He is just getting three hoths and a cot from the local government. I didn't realize the real. Gokes Gallery is really...

Oh, no, it's building up. And that's what I'm saying is, like, after we talk to the Brooklyn devil, and we know that it's hard to be a real-life superhero, it's extremely difficult. You know, it's a lot of liability. It's a lot of stuff. And it's actually a non-consistent gig. Yeah, I imagine you'll probably get killed eventually. Yeah, but it does seem to be very dangerous.

These guys are... Where are our heroes? Now that Bonnie Tyler's dead. Yes. Where are our heroes that are going to come forward and are going to defend us from these people. Why isn't there a guy in a raccoon costume not chasing after this guy beating the fucking shit out of him? I don't know.

That's what should be happening. I do think it's interesting, though, that we're going to see. This is where I will talk, maybe Brooklyn Devil will have him back on to talk about this, that I wonder if just like the Batman himself, if the jokers are going to actually need to inspire them to come out. Now, here's the problem with this guy. Is he actually committing a crime? Yes. He's being sexually aggressive at people and he's frauding them.

He's touching them. He is now crossed into full criminality because he has touched people. Because he's touched people. He has touched people. It's officially assault. And the doing the flagrant sexual act in front of somebody is still considered assault. Even if you don't, even if your clothes are on? If I jerk off at you just, we already covered this.

The truth is is that if there is an evidence that can state clearly enough that I was jerking off at you, like if you... If your hand is in your pants. are in your pants for an extended period of time and you and there are other extenuating circumstances like the appearance of ejaculate or the moans of pleasure or if I start going he's choosing goon and you can tell by the way my penis is out in the room and reading people's tarot cards then it depends just don't tell them what to do with themselves you know and you're fine as long as you have the medallion

If you have the medallion and you're not actively, like, that's the key here. And then there'll be a psychic mafia, and then that's where I come in. But there's a lot of people talking about the Hatman. He has a whole subreddit. There's been many sightings of him. He's now arrested. I think, unfortunately, this is going to mean he's going to do it even more. Oh, yeah, because he's got all this attention.

Yes, from us. From us. And we'll have you on the show. Side Stories, he'll be oldial, and GEOPLE. We will have the Hatman on the show. Come on down to the show. He doesn't even speak English. I'm certain he can put a couple of words together.

Right? We'll do one of those Google translates. Well, I know you're looking for a hero. And sometimes, Henry, your hero isn't necessarily a man. It could be a flying robot. Oh, flying rabbit. That's right. There's a Texas company.

Oh, my God. I don't even know. This is just, I am just learning about this now. There's a Texas company that is making, making school shooter defense drones, and they're testing them out in Arkansas. And basically what these are, these are drones that fly around armed with bear spray and stop a school shooter. I want you to hear how, you know what that sounds to me. We're scared.

I'm scared of kids with assault rifles, and I don't want to get hurt. So we better stand the robot in because. Because I'm scared. This, obviously, it comes out of Texas, and we know that in Texas, cops are weaker than children. Yeah, because we had the Evaldi shooting where the cops refused to help, and they're actively holding back the parents from helping themselves. I think it's really funny that they are using this as a way to get out of doing their jobs.

Their one job as a police officer. I love, I honestly love police officers. You know I do, but your job is to get shot. Yeah, so the fast-moving drones have the capability to spray pepper rounds. and Blair loud sirens. They literally will like go up, they will fly up to a school shooter and say, put the gun down.

Put the gun down. The next Dylan Klebold is just going to fucking shoot that out of the fucking sky. Yes. And so basically they say that they can respond with the, with these pepper spray drones that are going to live in schools. That's, that is unbelievable. That is the dumbest.

Instead of making any gun laws. Any form of gun laws. They've decided to just, Put army Flying murder robots In schools Because that's where they're needed The most

They need to protect Themselves from the children They say This is the Look think about these Fucking cowards They say if the pepper spray bombs Or the bear spray doesn't work

These things fly up to 100 miles an hour And they can just hit the kid in the head with it That's actually kind of fun That's hilarious That's funny That's legit fun Just some fucking

Shoot him in the hand with it All right fly out of his mall Comicazi Drove Oh, hell yeah, we nailed them in the nuts. That's hilarious. That's goddamn hilarious. This is the funnest day of my life. So in Arkansas, where there is basically no infrastructure.

None. They have these flying murder robots in schools to keep us safe from ourselves. That is the bleakest, saddest thing I've ever heard in my life. That is so sad. That's so sad. And they are such fucking pussies, man. I cannot believe they don't have the balls to go with. and protect. They just don't have the balls to go in and protect

kids. They just don't want to deal. They are so concerned about their own safety, man. They're so afraid that these cops are just so weak over there. They say that the drones can get to the shooter one minute faster than an actual cop. Go fuck yourself. Which is

it's way more than a minute because the cops don't fucking show up. It's also in the school. Sure, yeah. So you put the murder robot in the school with them. Yeah, of course it's going to respond. There's cops in the school as well. Yeah, put cops in there. But also do it something. Do something! So it's an Austin tech company that made it,

and they manned the drones from Austin. So basically they're just sitting in front of a TV waiting for the drones to be activated and turned on, and then they fly the drones around the school, and they have maps of the schools, so they know where every room is and stuff like that. They're sitting there controlling it from states away. Oh, pussies.

You know what? I think it'll be interesting to see what happens because Marcus was describing to me that they have now put three different, because Greg Abbott is like completely sold the state out. Oh, yeah. And so the, they put three different data centers around where Marcus's family lives.

And they legitimately like the faucets are not working. And it's all, it's like all the stuff's happening. And it's just like, I can't, I can't wait for Texas to be completely suck dry into an entire granite field. And you're going to have to figure out what to do from there.

And you're going to have to figure out what to do with wheels, your fucking government. And your fucking Governor Wheels is doing, all right? You've got to kick him out of the BK Kids Club, and you've got to fucking push him out of his chair down under the fucking ground and drag its fucking torso around back and forth until he gets to the fucking picture. Maybe he can take him out to one of those fields. Florida's putting $557,000 into the campus guardian angel pilot program.

Oh, good. So they're going to be in Florida. Oh, good. Honestly, it makes sense. Cool. It's also where they're pussy's. Yeah. Great.

No, because this is off. Parkland. When the cop wouldn't go inside there. Yep, because they were scared. because they have all the guns in the world, but they don't want to use them because, God forbid, some child with a bumpstock, AK-47 shrewds them into pieces with those raining. Also, Parkland is Copeland. I'm from around there. That's where all the cops live is in Parkland.

And for that to happen, the cops being too scared to stop the fucking shooters. It's because they just don't want to, they literally just don't want to deal with it. They don't want to be put in physical danger. Yeah, I mean, there's a reason they work at a school and not on the real beat. Yeah, they're pussies. Yeah. So we need better cops. Yeah, we do.

Not this. But at this point, we might as well just have the robots be the police. I mean, well, I mean, that's where we're going. Yeah. And Texas and Florida, the Texas on Florida, the goal is to make it so no humans are policing anymore. Yeah. Well, we all know that Texas is the first state to use a robot to kill someone. Yeah.

Big ups for them, too. Big ups for the robots. It's huge. Did you see that recent body camp footage where there's like a standoff with the police and some shooter in a house? and then eventually, like, hours had gone by, like 12 or 14 hours, and they weren't sure if he was still in there. So they breached a window and then they send a drone in, and they find him dead from the shootout.

Yes, that makes sense, though. In that scenario, having a surveillance drone go in, it makes a lot of fucking sense. Like, having surveillance drones, actually, that's not weaponized robots that fly in schools. Like, the goal is to have something that is leading the way into rooms. running around with a broom pretending to be a fucking, you know, pretend like he's using a rifle with a broom and he's going to get pepper sprayed or someone's going to hit him in the head with a 110-mile-an-hour robot.

Or wait until one day the proper person isn't there and there's some form of like LGBTQ trans meetup that someone's not going to want to deal with. And they're going to use it. And that's what's going to happen. What's going to happen is they're going to use it at some point. The kids are going to do a fucking walkout or something. And they're going to use it on kids just for the sake of. population control. That's next. Yes. So there we go.

That's Abidon. Put it in the list. Enjoy. P. Diddy, he's in jail. He got put in protective custody because he got into a fight over something. It seems that people are coming for Petey. He's not doing well in jail. Well, he keeps getting his release date pushed up.

It was June and then April. Now it's February. But now he got into a physical fight in jail. Will his release date get pushed back? No. No, probably not. I'm sure he was just jumped. But he's in solitary confinement. No, they'll get him out soon. Trump is waiting to figure out. The only reason why Trump hasn't done it quickly is because he's black.

Yeah. Well, he probably doesn't have anything on him. Yeah, I mean, no, you would have done it no matter what. You would have done it just for the lulls, but he's racist. He called him a good guy. Yeah, because he likes what he's done. He doesn't like his race, though. That's the problem.

He's like he loves his attitude. He loves the way he treats women. He just doesn't like the fact that he's black. Do you know that Bigfoot's in Rhode Island don't have teeth? That disgusts me, no! No! How do you know it's for certain? Someone spotted a Bigfoot, credible.

Credible sighting, apparently, Class A siting. I don't know what that means, but that's what it's called. It means you saw it real close. Yeah, and then so he says that he saw Bigfoot, and he came face to face with it, and I had really long arms, and no tits. It is, yeah, I love how he made me and he said, He's got no tits! There were no bull of bed.

Like, what is that even? Like, why is the first thing he said? It's a visual siding. That's in a Class A Bigfoot siding. If the females are that big, I don't want to see the male. They got no boobs. But then I understand how do you know it was a female if it didn't have... See, I feel like you should say it didn't have a dick before you say it had no boobs.

Yeah, you'd be like, it had pussy. Yeah. I saw its big crazy pussy. Yeah, it can't... Wow! Don't make fun of its chest. Yeah, like, whoa, hey, why are you doing this? You're an asshole like that.

Come on. It's like, that's like, that's kind of... Some people like tiny boobs. The tiny boobs, big, butt thing is like in now. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a whole thing. I think it'll be great for Big feet. Technically, it's a part of the fucking big foot.

Thank you. Yeah, sorry about that. Yeah, but that's like, God, you know. So, you know, thank you for letting us know that the Bigfoot's in Rhode Island. Ain't got tits. Top surgery. It ain't got tits. Where's the tits on that?

I can't jerk off to that. Oh, I thought I could jerk off at something like this. But I can't. That's the whole story. It's a great story, though. That's the entire story. That's the entire story. Where are we at?

Where are we at now? It's time. It's time. All right. It's time for some. Listener emails. All right. Let me play you the song.

You got a new one? You guys want a new one and you want the one from last week. Do we have another reggae one? I don't know. I went to the one from last week. I don't do the one. I feel like it should go again. It was one of my favorites.

All right. So that's the one from George in Loveland, Colorado. Here it is again. Thanks, George. Hey! That's not it. Yeah.

This one goes out to Tutsi. Rest in peace. Oh, but. Side stories. God damn. God damn it. He's correct. God, it's good.

What are people talking about this week, Henry? So we asked a question. Can you die from penis blood loss? Oh, okay. And we've got an answer. Sometimes I forget that I ask things. Is it great? See, I'm in a unique position to comment on the blood loss after loss of penis story from last week.

I had my vagina cut off. I am Mr. Penis Guillotine. For context, I'm an orthopedic surgeon and have worked at busy trauma centers where we have seen all kinds of disasters and are trained in how to manage them. Some training, however, doesn't get you ready until you deal with what rolls in through the trauma bay. Orthopinus surgeon. It got to be fun. That's if you put an elbow in it. For a context, you have about five liters of blood.

In very few areas that you can bleed out from. Generally, you can lose about one liter from your chest cavity, another one liter from your abdomen. You can lose up to that in each thigh from femur fractures. It's difficult to lose enough blood from a cut unless it's through a big artery and lost at the scene. While cutting off your penis scrotum does not cause. enough blood to die. It does create a story that you'll tell the parties for years to come, which brings

me in my tale. A patient, let's call him, Jeff. Was a 30-something-year-old guy who just came back from a concert. He had done some party drugs, likely ecstasy, maybe some others. While trying to get ready for bed, he was just too horny.

Okay. In his impaired state, he decided the best way to deal with us was to take his wife's hair tie, wrap it around, and scrot him, hoping that the tight man would also cut off his urge to check it. He then took a nap by the toilet in the bathroom. Several hours went by and he woke up to his wife coming home. Now sober, Jeff looks down to what are essentially necrotic mummified balls.

He panics and takes off the hair tie. Oh, yeah. And his balls come. He takes off the hair tie and his balls come with it. That's so quick. Oh, yeah. In a panic not. wanting his wife to see, he flushes them down the toilet and now passes out bleeding from where

his manhood once was. But just the balls. Just the balls. Which is a bigger cut. Cut now to Jeff being brought into the trauma bay. Normally, when there is a quote-unquote amputation, they call every surgical subspeciality to see if they can reattach or salvage the body part. No one knew who covered ball amputation.

So they activated the amputation pathway and called just about every doctor in the the hospital to come see this poor man while not losing enough blood to get a load of this. Listen, hey, hey, hey. I know we're really supposed to help him. You know how you mostly work in kids' cancer and stuff, and how sad that is.

Come downstairs for a second. Let's a lighten. A little yuckster for you. Come on there, come on. Just have a laugh. I told him that you were... I told him you're a specialist in ball amputations. They said, yeah, we got a couple of yucks. One funny, one gross.

Yuck. Ew. Well, not losing enough blood to kill himself. He did give multiple doctors a story to tell when people ask, what's the weirdest thing that you've seen someone how to hurt themselves? Well, his balls didn't make it. He did. I'm not sure if he had kids before this,

but it seems like a good thing he has taken himself out of the future gene pool going forward. Wow. Yeah, man, lost that fucking lost that shit, dude. That's crazy. Well, I mean, don't do that. Hair tie. Hair tie. Hair tie did it.

Yeah, I've seen that before, though. I've seen people do that. There was that Sally, Jesse, Raphael's story about the guy making himself a eunuch with a hair tie. Really? Yeah, it's not a good idea. No, it's a horrible idea. Leave them alone.

That's what I say, leave him alone unless you're a doctor. Seven liters of blood, that's it, huh? Yeah, that's it. Interesting. Just fucking seven big things of fago. What about, like, super fat people? Like, if you're 500 pounds, do you have more blood? Side stories, L-P-O-T-L-L-G-Mil.com.

I'd love to know. I feel like you'd have to. We have this one last one. What do you have to? I honestly agree. I don't know how. Yes, bigger people tend to technically have a higher total volume of blood

according to Google AI. That does make sense. Google AI is hungry for blood. Yeah, these big fatties hoarding all the blood. Give me your extra blood. Yeah, hoarding the blood, you big boy. I see your flappy arms. I know they're filled with succulent blood.

Oh, you got a towel on a stick to wipe your bud. You're full of too much blood. Give me some of your blood. Can I chew on your love handle? I can chew on your blood handle. I lost my balls. I lost my balls in a hair tie incident. Give me your blood.

Right this way, sir. Do you have a medallion for that? I'd like to comment on the atrocity that is old lady poop scenarios. I just want you know right now, we're done with poop stories after this week for a while. We've hit our current moratorium. Yeah, yeah. Don't send more poop stories. We did it, though.

Sense of blood stories. We go away for a while that we come back, all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's too much after a couple weeks. Now, I know no one asked for this, but it haunts me every time I go to a fast food bathroom and I need people to hear my story. Back in high school, the young naive age of 18,

I was a shift manager at a fast food joint. Wow. A manager. An 18 year old man. That's how lazy an owner is. Just been like, yeah, sure, you fucking do it. I mean, I was 16 and the only dude and the dairy queen. I'll tell you that much.

Just fucking wild what they let us do as kids. That's right. I stole a bunch of fucking ice cream. Of course, that's what happens. They just steal. They just steal things. You got to watch people. Now, if it was my job to oversee the cleaning and closing of the store

in a regular daily basis. We closed at 10, and by then we usually would have had both bathrooms deep clean with usually a quick wipe down after we closed. So at 9.50, 10 minutes until we close, and this little old lady walked in, hesitant to acknowledge us. She waddled to the bathroom, and I kind of forgot about her until some time around 10, 15, she walked back out and she said, good night. After the staff was done cleaning, it was my job to go through and make sure they did. all their duties. We walked into the woman's room to witness what I can

only describe as a crime against humanity. I pushed open one of the stalls and when I tell you the stall was covered in shit, I'm not lying. There was not an inkling of white on the porcelain.

The floor and walls behind the toilet were completely covered in fecal matter. I looked at the employee I was walking in with and said, dude, you have to clean that. Technically speaking, hazmat has to come in, but you know that everyone's really happy

with the fast food restaurant. No, they don't go. They don't go to Arby's. He looked at me with dead eyes and said, I quit. I begged him not to, which resulted in me cleaning the toilet and him getting the walls and

floor. That's my story. Twelve years later, I still think of it. Old ladies should not be trifled. Yeah, man. Dude, I love And she was like, have a nice night. Good night, everyone. Thank you for dealing with that problem. I don't have to buy anything to use the bathroom, right?

Oh, good. Excuse me. It's funny because I'm trying to figure out if she's a demon or an unfortunate woman. It's both. You could be a demon and unfortunate woman. That woman is cursed with whatever happened to her, and she did take it out, and she took it out, and whoever was closest, and had a toilet. And for that, I will say That is where the demon guided her.

I feel like that's like during the obsession part when the demon is taking over. Her conscious part comes forward and be like, I should put this in a bathroom instead of all over these church pews. Like literally, like that's her first thought. And then she goes back and do, let's fucking do it on the floor.

Let's do it on the floor. Come on dearsra. We never sit on the floor anymore. Show him your pussy! Show him your pussy! Pins the shit out your pussy! Okay. But when you work in restaurants, I think,

at least when it was for me in the 90s and early 2000s, I mean, this kind of thing, never this bad. 2014. That's how long 12 years ago by his buddy. But I mean, I saw like lots of like when I worked at Garfields. I remember at the Harry Potter premiere, there was two shits on the floor. And I'm guessing it was children.

It's disgusting. People just go in and they fucking shit on the floor. And they, you know, It's weird because it's my only memory of that place. It's that horrible day where I work too hard and then like, you know, like, and then it's, it scars us. Yeah. It really does because there's so many nice things happen there. I'm sure there were like nice waitresses or cooks that I was friends with, but all I remember is cleaning up the shit on the floor that day.

Yeah. That's really amazing. So you're going to live every day being the person that makes a memory for a lifetime for someone else. You can laugh knowing, I know they'll be talking about. that for a long time. As you go to the bathroom and you just go, at least I live him with something that laugh about.

And that's the most important part is that that lady did that horrible thing in that bathroom. And then it got to us. That's right. And we could share it with you. Yeah, we'll help you spread your poo-poo stories next month. Next month. Next month. Because we're done with poo-poo stories for a while.

Unless a really good one comes through the real news. Because that's the problem is about that's what's going to happen. Yeah. The next thing is going to happen is that unfortunately we're going to see like Trump is going to shit him's pants on the like a national stage. We'd have to cover that. We'd have to cover that. But if someone shits at someone at an offspring concert, we're not going to cover that.

Not doing it. But what we're not going to be talking about shit is over at Midsummer Scream. Come and see us. Maybe a little bit. Maybe a little bit. We come down to Long Beach. It's the Long Beach. Come down. It's Sunday, August

9th, last panel on the left. You can come by. It's the Long Beach Convention Center. Midsummer Scream. We went last year. We went last year, and I am not kidding. It is legitimately the best con in SoCal. One of the best cons in California I've ever been to. I didn't think I liked cons, and I went to that

and I was like, oh, we need to do this every year. It is so fun. It's awesome. We're having our own booth. Come see our panel. Last panel on the left. We're going to come to the booth. Get a shirt. Grab a comic. Bring something to get signed. We're going to be there the entire weekend. But see us on Sunday, August 9th. That's when the panel is.

Come on out. Truly, if you're in the South, if you're in the Southern California area, you got to come. And you're a horror fan? It's a blast. It's huge. Every horror fucking icon's going to be there. And then they have like little like practice houses for all the haunted houses. It's awesome.

It's really cool. Yeah. I had a good time. And then hopefully we'll see David Dalsmalshian again. And he'll let us into his like, he's like the room over the convention center. Yeah, we look down on all of you. It's very fun. God, that's great.

That's going to be in Chicago this weekend. Come see me on the 31st at the Lincoln Lodge at 10 p.m. That's going to be a lot of fun. And then I got Dead Men Tell Some Tales, August 16th, a dynasty typewriter here in Los Angeles. That show is going to be amazing. That's my Dead Disney show I do with my buddy Disney. I'm excited for this. Henry's going to come.

He's going to be the voice of Walt Disney. We're going to have a fucking blast at this show. I really hope you all come out and see this. We've been working on this for over a year. it is stupid. I'm going against D23. I'm going to do the most vile Disney show I can during their giant festival.

That's great. I'm fucking for that. 9-11. I'll be in D.C. 912 as well, but not as fun. And then 927. Milwaukee, October, 4th, Denver, lots of other shit coming out. Some side stories dates will be announced hopefully next week. I do think it's a great

chill day to be in our nation's capital. Oh, my God. I just love being on the road. I love it. Well, I'm glad you're going to be out there and be safe. I will be safe. It's going to be fun. I love it all.

Oh, and go check out Bloodbath 77. That comes out on Thursday. It'll be out on Thursday. We will be promoing and more. Go check it out. It is Bloodbath 77 season 2 over Vampire the Mascarate, play through. And I think it's very, very dark. Dude, and when you're on there, just fucking chill out on that LPN TV YouTube page.

It's awesome. We got HGX2. We got two seasons of that. This is the second season of fucking vampire the masquerade. It's all awesome. We're doing some crazy shit over there. And then go check out the other YouTube pages. Of course, we've got the brighter side, page seven, nerd of mouth, romantic.

They're all connected. Fraudsters, Foreign Report, fucking get in there, be a part of it. Know us better. See our faces. See our faces. That's right. All right, fuckers. Hail Satan.

We'll see you next week.