Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Please Do Not Love Me

Episode Date: April 29, 2021

Ben 'n' Henry break down this week's true crime news: a woman hit with embezzlement charges over an overdue VHS rental, a Russian man on a Chinese reality show begs to be voted off, a Japanese man dates 35 women in a birthday gift scheme, and MUCH MORE.Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left side stories. That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yeah. So important before show to warm up. I don't think people get that like how much work it takes to get to the mic. Well, yeah, I think people think you have to warm up.

If you're doing something on Broadway, we don't really need to warm up too much because we're doing nothing physically taxing. I think the whole point of a warm up is so you don't, you know, throw out, like hurt your hip or throw off your voice. But technically we don't need to warm up. No, the way I start to warm up, you have to warm up. We have to warm up. Kissel, one way to warm up is you got to a bowl of borscht.

If you can get a good cold soup, if you can get a nice cold soup, it's nice. It relaxes the throat. Also, a couple of cigarettes. You want to sound radio quality. I those old guys back in the day, the old voices were just like, they'll tell you what, Jeb, I tell you what. I don't think any of them should be able to vote. There's something about their ability to sound so good.

Well, full of nicotine. I wish I sounded like that. I wish you didn't have to get cancer and you could just have the smoker's voice without having to smoke. And then, of course, inevitably, you lose the bottom of your jaw. Like Ebert did. And next thing you know, no one wants to hear you talk at all. Well, guess what?

Ebert should have been nicer to Dumb and Dumber. I agree with that. That's what I think. That's what he did. That's his problem. Welcome to Side Stories, everyone. I am Ben hanging out with Henry Ebert. Indeed, of course, the the movie critic lost his face. And you're correct, Henry.

Isn't that apropos? It was almost almost strangely cosmic. In a sense, he said a lot of bad things about a lot of movies that I liked, including one starring Jim Carrey, starring Adam Sandler, starring Chris Farley. Chris Farley, their humor. And because of that, he lost half of his face. So be careful what you say. I don't want to blame just his attitude on cancer for cancer.

But what I will say is if he smiled a little bit more, maybe the muscles in his face would have been a little bit stronger and it would have helped fight the cancer molecules. And maybe I'm wrong. And maybe I sound like somebody who doesn't know anything about cancer. But I'll tell you what, I know while I sit in this chair and have a microphone in front of me, I'm correct.

Well, that is a dangerous sentiment. And I believe that's why Alex Jones ended up trolling a bunch of victims of mass murder. But that's why I don't make it. I don't talk about anything serious, except for I wish that Roger Ebert, Robert Ebert, Roger, give a shit. Well, he gives a fucking shit. Well, he his family. Yeah, his family. We have to remember that. I sure. Yeah. I mean, big ups, his family.

What's going on, Edith Ebert and Rubber Ducky Ebert. What's going on? Big shout outs to you. Five dollars, McDonald, whatever you want, McDonald's under five dollars. I'll pay for it if I ever meet you. Well, I have never seen you moonwalk back negative. Sentiment towards somebody more in my entire life. Never to Roger Ebert. I don't forgive him.

That's how ingrained acting is to you, though, because even, even though, yes, he was maybe not the nicest man and sure, he did die. Kind of a horrible death, I believe. Yes, you still have to respect him because if he gave your movie on a thumb up, then you would cry and you would say, thank you so much, Mr. Ebert, for giving me one of your weird thumbs up. But he never got a chance to. I never got to be judged by him, but he did stick a finger inside of me.

Isn't that exciting? Well, speaking of VHS tapes, obviously, my God, they're making a comeback. Well, in a sense, in a sense, movies we were discussing with Roger Ebert. So it's it's adjacent, I think VHS is. They technically had already made their comeback about 10 years ago. But now it seems to be they're really heating up. I know you're trying to get back into the VHS game.

I bought a VHS DVD duly player. And do you remember, and now it's going to be old man corner when everyone thought that was peak technology. It was. It was. And people literally were like, we can stop now. No need for anything else. We've got the VHS DVD combo. No, it was huge.

It was huge back in the day. It showed that you were a moneyed family, an advanced family. But now you get to be the elite father from 1998 inside of your own home. And I think that's really important. Also, if you ever follow our old friend, Matt McCarthy, who is a comedian that looks suspiciously like Ben Kissel and I, he also does a constant showing of his massive, massive VHS collection. He shows all around his whole house and he is still gotten laid so much.

He has a family. He has a full family, a beautiful wife. I don't know how he magically put all of that together. However, if you do have a VHS tape in your house right now, you better make sure that that does not belong to Blockbuster Video or any other meat movie rental retailer near you because you can get in serious trouble. Just ask this woman in Oklahoma. She found out that she has been charged.

This is 100 percent true. She has been charged with a felony for not returning a VHS tape of Sabrina, the teenage witch she did not return it for 20 years. Her name is Karen McBride. She found out she was facing an embezzlement charge. It is unbelievable. This is the dumbest shit I've ever heard because she is a Karen, but she spells it like she is a barbarian warrior.

C-A-R-O-N, cat on. Absolutely. But she didn't even know that she had it. Apparently, she believes that she might have lost several jobs because she thinks she failed background checks without realizing that this old defunct movie place, which is called Movie Place, they rented it in 1999. Some reason it went into the system. She got charged in March of 2000 with it being gone,

which I didn't know you could even be charged because I looked through my shit when we moved from the house that tell you that I found a Netflix DVD. Sure, of course, because technically that's yours now. She was charged in 2000 with embezzlement. I guess they had some detective working on the case, really cracking the books, staying up all night, chain smoking, probably lost his family to this unbelievably important case in Oklahoma. But Mrs. McBride, Mrs. McBride says a roommate most likely rented it

and failed to return it. So we have a situation, perhaps, of mistaken identity. We need to hunt down this roommate. She is ruining Karen McBride's life and I don't like it one bit. Also, how good was teenage, how good was Sabrina the Teenage Witch? I don't even recall it being on VHS. I thought it was just on TV. It's fucking garbage.

I think this is what she said. Yeah, I'm coming for it. Are you kidding me? The girl from Clarissa explains it all that then went on immediately to become Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I thought that show was absolutely fantastic, along with Clarissa, and I'm not going to sit here and allow you to malign the wonderful content that that woman who I forget her name is.

She was a fantastic actress, Melissa, Joan Hart. Yes, I was very much so massive fan of Clarissa, love Clarissa. There was about a 10 year gap. Then Sabrina came for TGI Fridays later additions. I remember it being cynically added to the TGI Friday lineup as a way to sort of, I believe, boost engagement for TGI Fridays. Yes, because it was cool and everyone grew up with Clarissa and now she's going through her goth face and who among us was not going through the same goth face.

I do appreciate that it brought witchcraft and the ideas of witchcraft to that entire generation of little girls. But at the same time shows not for me, but the two I did find the ants in it hot. But when she went to go change the driver's license, according to her, she was like, well, I'm going to go change my driver's license during this COVID thing. You got to make an appointment. So I'll send them an email and they sent me an email and they told me that I had an issue in Oklahoma and that this was a reference number for me to call this

number and I did. And the first thing she told me was a phenolonee embezzlement. So I thought I was going to have a heart attack. She told me it was over a VHS tape and I had to make her repeat it because I thought this is insane. This girl's kidding me, right? Well, she wasn't kidding. Oh, no. So McBride placed the blame squarely on the roommate of hers who had two daughters and possibly rented the VHS tape.

So I will say this, this Karen McBride, she wasted no time in throwing her friend under the bus. Of course, no time at all. It wasn't me. She knew what to do. She knew it wasn't her because when it comes down to it, and this is why I believe this, because no more she got off. The charge is finally dismissed.

The DA's office reviewed the case, but it still hasn't been expunged to clear her record. So she still has a felony on her record. And this is why she I know her felony charge. Yeah, the felony charge. Yeah, it hasn't been expunged. And this is how he knows she wasn't her. I've never watched a show in my entire life.

It's just not my cup of tea. I mean, I didn't try to deceive anyone over Samantha, the teenage witch. I swear. She said, obviously she just she pulled a mom thing where she kept calling it in the article, Samantha, the teenage wish. She has no clue what the show is. No, she really doesn't. And in many ways, Karen McBride is a victim here.

Ironically enough, her last name being McBride, that is when she found out that she was also in trouble because she tried to change her name after getting married and just every single thing she did with any kind of government agency was held up because of this thing. Her whole life technically was made so much more difficult because of this ridiculous charge that this video's place gave her for not returning. Funny. Sabrina, the teenage witch.

So be very careful. But at the same time, if you do have a video right now that's in your possession that doesn't belong to you, don't return it because they'll just book you then. They're going to they're going to arrest you then. And then you're going to get arrested for having like, I don't even know, like Demolition Man 2. And you're going to get busted with one of the most embarrassing movies ever.

If you have one of the land before time prequels and like that's why you're going to hard core prison to get a felony charge, that's insane. I didn't even know that they could still do that. I thought at some point don't they don't they forgive these things? What about library books? I know I have library books for my childhood sitting in my pile of books. I know that I have. Of course.

And what are they going to do? They're going to come for me. These fucking book Nazis. They very well may, of course. Yeah, the book Nazi interesting term being the Nazis burned the books. And it seems like these people have a great invested interest, vested interest in books. I think that they are the opposite. They believe you say the opposite where they believe I think that they think that

books are superior to everybody else. That's why they're willing to kill all of us. Any other whole millions upon millions of people they're willing to get rid of in order to save their precious books. Well, and you know what? That's another great segue, Henry, because I want you to take the lead on this story, because this story is just so unbelievably freaking funny. Books were one thing they're past say, but what do people like now?

Reality television, they do. And what do people like more than reality television, watching people suffer? So if you can marry these two things, you know, we are in China where a Russian dude was literally trapped out of reality show because no one would vote him off. And this is so fun. Can you just break this down, please? I'm going to try to break this down. This is so fucking funny to me.

I don't know how much of it is a bit. If you are if you are in China right now, please tell me what it is like. This is this is real. No, but I mean like whether this guy is doing it as a bit or whether or not it's entirely genuine, please tell us what you think. Because it's side stories, LP, OTL, Gmail.com, because it's definitely like, is this just like a reality show character thing he's doing? Or is this legit?

It's so funny. This sounds like a dystopian hell nightmare written by Stephen King himself. OK, so this comes from the Guardian. Vadoslav Ivanov says that he regretted his decision to join a thing called Produce Camp 2021, which is essentially like they're like making the band show. This is their P. Diddy go across the Brooklyn Bridge. Bring me some cheesecake. This is that kind of show.

OK, so we call it here. The band here, but they call it Produce Camp, yes, which is so unbelievably horrified. And it's so Chinese, it's so like Chinese government, authoritarian regime, be like, we have a fun reality show. We're going to put together a group of singers. We'll call it Produce Camp. I guess I don't know what it could be translated to something else.

God knows what it originally means. But so he was just a boy band competition where people like rehearse and they sing at each other and they dance and it's intense. So he got he applied for it and he got trans and he got picked because he was a handsome dude. He's like a model. This guy is sort of like and he looks very wet if you look at a picture of it. And so when he got on the program,

he immediately was asked if he'd like to try a new life. And he agreed, but he didn't know what the hell that meant. He immediately came to regret the decision unable to leave on his own because you would bridge your contract and be paid a fine and be forced to pay a fine. Oh, my God, realize that he was stuck inside of a house kind of like big brother and forced to do all of these rehearsals and singing competitions. And then he started begging viewers to vote him off and deliberately performing badly. This is the program concept, which originated in Korea, pits young

performers against each other to train and eventually form an 11 and 11 member international boy band chose chosen by a voting public. They were just they were stuck on an island and their phones were reportedly confiscated. And so his name is Le Luche on the show. And he kept saying, please, viewers, don't love me. You'll get no results and repeatedly pleaded with people not to vote for him. His first song was a half hearted Russian rap and start competition to the high pop of his competitors.

Please don't make me go to the finals. I am tired, he said, in the later episode. So this guy, he is this is almost this is such a great allegory for be careful what you wish for. Did you want to be on television? Do you want to be an influencer? You are now stuck in television. You cannot get out of the television. And the more that you demand to be released, the more the audience loves the

performance, the biggest mistake that this man made was letting the audience know that he is unhappy to be there, because people just naturally will say it is so. You know what we just you know what he just created for himself? Conflict. Oh, we did good TV need. Conflict. They love conflict, but listen to this break. This is so funny. And so he says, like, I hope the judges, I hope the judges won't support me. Well, the others want to get an A.

I want to get an F as it stands for freedom. As it stands for freedom, so funny. His pleas went unanswered. However, he kept getting voted three months of competition, ten episodes, a fan base which had taken to his grumpy, anti-celebrity persona, or perhaps driven by Schoidenfrode, urged each other to vote for him and said the term. Let him nine, nine, six, which is in reference to China's industry, digital industry culture of chronic overwork.

Well, you just just was reading about this. Nine, nine, six in China is nine a.m. to nine p.m. six days a week. They call him the most miserable wage slave and celebrated him as an icon of sang culture, which is a Chinese millennial concept of having a defeatist attitude towards life. So this man accidentally played into a trope that he had no idea that he played into. Let him nine, nine, six. Again, as Henry said, that is an implication of how unbelievably overworked so

many people are in China, the idea of working nine a.m. to nine p.m. six days a week. The fact that they even have a term for it lets you know how prominent that horrible worker exploitation is. He made it to the finals at his last bit was he just ate a lemon and said he hope people would stop supporting him. I'm not kidding, he said that pan. And when they finally voted him off in the very final episode, he's like, I'm finally getting off of work.

This is absolutely incredible. The hashtag Freela Lush was trending. State media began reporting on his predicament about a week after the popular Russian bloggers posted about the interpreters unlikely run. So he was an interpreter. That's why he was there. They wrote, it's not funny anymore. Let vlog go home.

I'm very sad and disturbed. It might have been amusing for some time, but the situation is becoming absurd. So everyone in China was complicit in watching this man suffer on national television. It's so funny. It is the closest numbers. Like, oh, he is, you know, the thing is strange and almost cynical. If he does want to continue on with the social media presence, he is going to. He does have a career now, doesn't he?

Well, he said that he they saying there's a lot of people accusing of this being accusing him of all of this being a publicity stunt. But apparently his friend, the agent and executive Ivan Wang, who had hired him to chaperone and translate for his two Japanese clients on the show, said he, the dude really disliked being in front of the camera. He said, one time I got him this modeling job in Hong Kong and he sent me an SOS marriage, an SOS message saying he couldn't stand it five minutes after arriving on set. He just didn't want to do it.

He just said he got, yeah, he he declined repeated participation requests by the director of produce camp 2021. He just said, yes, finally, after getting bored on the island, you thought joining the show might help his introverted personality. I feel so honestly for the introvert, like, obviously, for someone like Henry and I, we can lean in. We'll be able to live with it for introvert. I'm a hog covered in cum.

I love getting in front of the camera. Well, I don't know if hogs covered in cum are particularly great on camera. But nonetheless, this man lived a Twilight Zone hell. This is straight up written. This is Jordan Peele. If he wants to rewrite, if he wants to write another Twilight Zone episode, just take this story, be careful what you wish for. You might just get it.

And what you get is making it to the finals of a reality show you didn't want to be on. I feel it's how every president should be chosen. It should be a person that doesn't want the job who is incredibly like competent to do the job. And we all force them to be president. Yeah, absolutely. I think that would make for a much, much better form of leadership than these horny beavers who see the White House as nothing but wood.

All right, that I don't understand, because beavers don't have to be horny to eat wood. It's what they do. They don't have to be. They're not horny for the wood. The question is, the question is, can they be? Hey, I'm not, I'm not yucking their yum. Life from your grave. Henry, I know this is super cliche, but I was doing, I was on my Madden Twitch

stream, by the way, I think I'm 13 and four or 14 and four. You're crushing it. Either way, we're doing pretty good. I'm watching the cover. But if crushing it for LPN, these fans don't stand a fucking chance. They can come for you and come for you, but you're going to swat him down and swat him down, you're going to cover him down, you're going to cover him in boiling oil. I'm going to do my best.

Also, Henry, Marcus and I are definitely looking to invest in battlebots, which also means we need a jockey. We need someone that can control the bot. I asked Holden, but rightfully so. He said he couldn't do it. He's not talented enough. This is legitimately an ask. If you are a person that is competitive within the world of battlebots, please looking to sponsor a battlebot.

I want, I am so pissed at 2020 for not having battlebots be the national sport. That would get these robots fighting for us. It's so much fun. Anyway, I'm looking for a wedge. Yes, I think we decided on a wedge with a with a strong hydraulic flipper. Flipper, a flipper. Yes, I think low low to the ground fast. We got to get under these under under these clunky ass vehicles. I think we have a pretty good idea going.

But I feel like I solved the is a hot dog, a sandwich debate. Interesting. And I solved it by saying this sentence. Have you ever looked at a sandwich and thought it was a hot dog? Not unless I'm tripping balls. Therefore, the hot dog is not a sandwich. I feel that you actually this is might be the wisest you've ever done. I think that you have finally come to this is your peak.

This is this is this is what you've been training. I was really proud of myself. But I want to think I want to think edibles. I want to think 10 milligrams of THC for that. Got to got to wouldn't be here without him. Absolutely. We do have some big news coming up here in the very near future. We're working, developing a relationship with the Last Prisoner Project.

And we're super excited to tell you guys all about those all about the advancement of that relationship as it goes forward. And the Last Prisoner Project doesn't also understand that they are a part of our Battle Bot initiative as well. Yeah, we're going to have the Last Prisoner Project Battle Bot group. I don't know what that's going to be yet. I don't know how we're going to use it. The whole point is to use the Battle Bots to attack the prisons.

All right. Well, let's this story slightly more. Do you want to go to Japan with the guy who dated all the women? Let's do the serious one first. All right, let's do a serious story. OK, this is again, I say serious. It's barely serious, but it is one of those. I don't know how many times we have to say it on this show.

Everywhere I go, I just got to keep saying it. There is no, again, repeat after me, no such thing. Such a thing as a hit man, as a hit man. Stop hiring hit men. It's not a profession. It is an FBI agent. If you want to do it, you're going to have to do it the old pioneer way and do it yourself. Absolutely.

So just quit looking for it. This comes from the KHQ down in Spokane. Oh, no. Is that up? Yes, sure, actually. No bail for Spokane doctor who accused in quote unquote dark web kidnapping plot targeting a strange wife know this as well. Again, dark web is not a term.

Newspapers, we don't use it 90. Something like 95 percent of the internet is encrypted. So just it's not the dark web. Technically, we're just a part of we're just in the open web. And there's just the rest of the internet is behind portals. That's yeah. Maybe a few years ago, we did have some friends who would like tour and all have acid and you're like, how do you get all of this?

And they didn't from the internet. But I think things have changed a little bit, a little bit. So a local physician accused of trying to pay someone from the dark web to kidnap his estranged wife, addict her to drugs and convince her to stop divorce proceedings and come back to him was back in federal court on Wednesday. And you know where he did the hit from? Where in Mexico with his girlfriend. So he already had a new girlfriend and then he was trying to get this going.

He was already denied bail. They know that he's a flight risk because he was in Mexico when he was doing this. It is very, very interesting and transcripts obtained by the FBI. So this a news organization located a dark web internet site offering murder for higher services in exchange for cryptocurrency, which I imagine was just set up by the news organization. Of course it was. You're not going to get your doji coins, your doji coins by doing it like this.

The guy's name is Ronald C. And it's LLG is I think it's ILG. I think it's Ilg. Is it Ilg? OK. So we'll just say the guy's name is Ronald Ilg. Ronald Ilg, aka Scar 215. I like it when you find out somebody's dark web address. I really like when you find out what they do.

It is funny. And so this was his message when you just straight up allegedly is what he said to his co-conspirator. I need a rush job for next week. I need the target kidnapped for five to seven days. While being held, she is given at least daily doses of heroin. She is also strongly persuaded to do a few things within two weeks. Number one, stop all court proceedings.

Two, return to your husband and the chaos you created. Three, tell absolutely no one about this. Also, the team should plant heroin and use needles with her DNA inside. After about seven days, she is to be returned to her home. Does this man really understand the side effects of heroin? It's not a it's not some wonder drug that the CIA uses in order to get the truth out of terror suspects. Does I don't think even like what he is asking them to do, the drug that he is

accompanying those actions with doesn't even fit like it's not maybe still a cyber, maybe maybe a head full of acid. Not really, though, because the US government did that for fucking years. And they found out that all it does is make you confused. Like you can't do anything. You can destroy someone's memory. That is the truth. You can erase someone's memory using things like acid and sleep deprivation and all

that kind of shit, but you can't change their mind. Also, it doesn't work like that. You can. Yes, you can do sleep deprivation to change people's memories, alter their thoughts. Also, as we learned from the movie Overboard, fall off a boat. Fall off a boat all of a sudden. You're married to Goldie Han. Well, is that the opposite?

Goldie Han is the one that fell off the boat. And then it was Stockholm syndrome. And then she grew up, then she had because she got kidnapped by that man. But they were they're married in real life and they're super cute. That's honestly what a great lesson. Yes. So this man, he obviously had, you know, I'm going to say this. He overthought it, didn't he? He followed up this message with the target destroyed two families and walked

away as if she did nothing. I want the target kidnapped for two days while being held. She's to be given inductions of heroin at least two times today. She will be taught to do it herself and picks and videos of her doing it should be collected. Now, the court documents state that Elg asked that the kidnapping be carried out while he was visiting Mexico with his current girlfriend. Now, it seems like the girlfriend was also feeling fucking really weird.

He had he left a bunch of instructions saying, go do this. And then if you go to a fingerprint access only safe, that I'll give you the fingerprint somehow, you can go and get your bitcoins from it. I don't know what you're how the fuck that's supposed to happen. But they are saying it was getting weirder and weirder and weirder because his estranged wife, they share a child. The estranged wife told the FBI that Elg found another woman on the internet and invited that woman into into their relationship, which was now working out for them.

That's a fun conversation to have. Yeah. And so at the time, as time passed, the wife became increasingly uncomfortable with the relationship. And so they were now involved in a very contentious divorce. But you got to know the girlfriend a little bit because when they went to Mexico, the girlfriend, Elg's new girlfriend, reach out to the old wife to say, I just have to, you know, let I just want to let, you know, some strange stuff has happened while we've been here.

I need to talk to ASAP when we get back. Meanwhile, as soon as he came back, you got arrested. The the unbelievable, like just the pompous idea that this man was going to be able to have a girlfriend and she was going to take his side in an attempted kidnapping plot against his ex-wife. Just shows you how delusional this man was. Interestingly enough, in another strange twist to this story, it turns out that he did.

So Elg did acknowledge that he used the dark web to hire a hitman. He denied hiring someone to have the victims assaulted and or kidnapped. Instead, he claimed that he was hiring a hitman as a way to commit suicide. He just is so stupid. It was like they already got the documents. They already have already read it. You can't now change. No, no, I wanted this to commit suicide, which is also wild.

That's a wild idea. So because of this, Elg was supposed to be met at the airport. But agents realized he wasn't there. They went to his home and in what I can only describe as probably like when Robert Downey Jr. or Morton Downey Jr., rather, fake to hate crime. And he put the swastika the opposite way because he did it in the mirror. This man was seen lying unconscious with the black eye. He had approximately 46 missing pills of Xanax and a suicide note at the scene

next to the business card of the FBI agent that he hired to kidnap his wife. This man, this was such a pathetic attempt at a faux suicide. Don't you think he probably punched himself in the eye? Like Jim Carrey and me, myself and Irene. And then he took the pills and he was like, this is going to make him feel really bad for me. This dude is a sociopath. He is just also very stupid. I feel like that's the main thing.

The main thing I'm taking from this is this man is incredibly stupid. And I am going to go out on a limb and say that he might be on drugs himself. I have no freaking clue what's the problem with this guy. Like he is not there for this. Like he does not understand what's going on. He really doesn't, just lastly. So they say the timing and the content of the note coupled with the placement of the agent's business card, again, he thought that was a hit, man.

Next to the note are conscious, conscious is it just basically proves he is guilty and that Ilg attempted to kidnap, assault and extort and drug. His estranged wife. So I guess be careful who you marry, number one. And number two, I don't get a big dog and never I don't even I'm not victim. I don't know whatsoever. She didn't do anything wrong. Obviously she left this relationship because this man is a psychopath.

Yeah, I feel horrible that they had a child together because you can imagine how difficult that is to do. Maybe it was also the same impulse to do all of this dumb shit. It's also the same impulse like him thinking that it would be super easy to bring a third person into the relationship and that you'll just get a girlfriend and bring her in and that it will go smoothly. You know, I wish I had very talked about. It has to be very much so discussed.

And then you are lucky if it works out even then, because most likely they're going to cut out the middleman, which is the male and they're just going to have a wonderful lesbian relationship together as you just sit there and just watch sports alone. OK, and then you're like finally silenced. Finally, that was his endgame from your way. Oh, I do want to talk about the story a little bit update last week. We remember we talked about the guy that slashed a dude's tires and left the finger

behind. This is there was a little bit of an update from that. So this is a letter as there was a resident of Maricopa County. I'm very familiar with the story, but the man slashing his neighbor's tire and leaving a finger behind. Henry seemed confused as to why the man would cut off his own finger, implying that it was a deliberate move. Well, it is not believed to have been deliberate. The story goes that the idiot accidentally cut off his finger while

slashing the tire because he used one of those crazy. Have you seen those really intense folding knives? Yes, it seems that when he did it, he cut off his own finger because he was so fucking hammered from the baby shower. Oh, my God. All right. So it was an accident. So he he left a crime scene with a finger for evidence, which it literally is like, I think we fingered this perp.

You get the series of puns that could be made. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. What a moron. You imagine me like, I wonder if I'm going to get away with it. You look down and you're like, God damn it. Where the fuck is my fucking finger? Yeah, I mean, I know I'm missing something. And then you have to truly utter the sentence, should I retrace my steps?

Where did I lose it? And it's never a good idea when you have to retrace your steps to find the severed finger next to the tire that you punctured with the scissors. I just desperately want to hear how sorry he was that morning. I just wish I could have a camera inside that man's house to see what his hangover was like. Oh, man, we've all been hungover, but I'm happy to say I got all 20 digits. I haven't even lost a pinkie tail yet.

Oh, my God. And just quickly, a Japanese man as well. This is according to the Telegraph, a Japanese dude was arrested. He was dating 35 women at the same time because he wanted to get birthday presents. To be honest with you, if you that's the most innocent thing I have. Most innocent reason I've ever heard for dating 35 women was he wanted birthday gifts. I just didn't know you could be arrested for it. But apparently it's it was arresting him for fraud essentially.

And he dated 35 single women that he met through his job being a work for a marketing company selling shower products. He met at least these 35 women. He told each one of them his birthday was on a different day. And so he'd get all of these different fucking got all these these different different presents every single day. But I guess it finally came down to which is this is a movie plot, too. I want to say that this is like fifty first dates.

I've seen this movie plot where all of the women got together and are like, I think we're dating the same man. It's not going to work out. Yes. So obviously he's not in trouble for dating multiple women. That is legal. But it was the scam. Apparently he received around one hundred thousand yen, which is about six hundred and sixty eight euro, which I believe is around nine hundred dollars. So he got he got some gifts.

And it seems just like a really hard way to celebrate your birthday. I also want to just tip you on the story that I find really funny just because of all of our time spent in show business. But you should read about this because I won't go to in depth because you could just see how intense it goes. This is way more for fraudsters than anything else. But follow the story of the Zachary Horwitz Ponzi scheme that it seems that he has built investors out of something like two hundred and thirty five million

dollars, where he basically just told people, I have connects at Netflix, HBO Max, they're coming through with me, we're doing all this, all we're doing is making money. It's just remember this. This is a thing I've learned through fraudsters. If anybody ever says that they promise anything over 10 percent of an investment, right, that you'll get back 10 percent, unless it's fucking Johnny fucking Walgreens. I don't know who this person's Johnny Walgreens.

I don't know who's got money. You were thinking of a rich person's name and you came up with Johnny Walgreens. That's what I thought. I don't know. I don't know. I don't even want to name one. You know you are from Queens and you are trash when you're like, what's the what is a rich person's name? Johnny Walgreens sounds like it's a pretty rich guy's name. That's why we had that's why we had the president we had for four years.

But I am a person that I don't know. But they just know that anybody it's always a scam. If they say anything above 10 percent return. Yes, you know, it is very, very difficult. It is very difficult to do it. But this guy faked every leg of it. And it also gets to the point where every single time I hear a story about somebody organizing a Ponzi scheme is that the Ponzi scheme sounds so much

harder than any other real job that you could do to get six figures. You are sweating it. He was doing it for a while. But he obviously he got all of his family and friends involved, lost all of their money. He was he was living in a six bedroom home in Beverly Hills. Loving his life. They finally sold it, I guess, in January. But he's now he's going to jail for they're going to get him for a long time

because they're one thing the government always makes sure that they bust people for is money crimes because they don't want you to think you can get away with it. Everything else they don't really care about. And also, it's a surprisingly interesting or I'm sorry, surprisingly easy to figure out where the money went, where the scam was, because there's a series of money trails that they can put he set it up. He set it up in a way where the first round, everybody got their money back in the interest.

And then he faked emails from Netflix and HBO Max and all my documents and all this kind of shit. You're just being like, you should just wrote a movie. Be careful who you trust. And absolutely, there's a great book. It's pretty old nowadays. I think it actually came out in the late 90s, but it's called Freakonomics. And they broke down, for example, what Henry was talking about, where it's like, if you think a Ponzi scheme or like being a drug dealer is going to make you a bunch of money, it actually doesn't break out that way.

And it is, as Henry said, just start a real business and you're going to work the same, but then you won't have the outcome of prison. Well, speaking of real business, weed is the real business now, which brings us to the hero of the week, a little bit lighthearted. And again, we want to mention that we will be working with Last Prisoner Project because we must get everyone who is incarcerated worldwide, starting with America out of prison for weed crimes. But this week's hero of the week.

It's Heath Scott. He owns Seven Point Farm and Apothecary. It's on Lebanon Road. And he rolls to celebrate 420, a 150 foot long joint with three different strains, including a little bit of CBD. This is what he has to say. He says, this is the start of the future, I feel. I don't feel this is the end.

I feel this is just the beginning for us to go forward and go with the legislators to make a splash and say, we are ready. This dude was in Tennessee to do this, so it actually is not legal where he did it, which is why he's a hero because he put himself on the line. This was in Mount Juliet. And Tennessee is one of stick states where there is no form of marijuana, either recreational or medical. So if he does get busted for 150 foot joint, I guess it probably wouldn't be good.

But yeah, so anyway, he's got it's a dope ass joint. That's huge. It's it's huge. And it's important to remember people in Tennessee. We got to legalize everything federally. And if it takes someone like Mr. He's got making the biggest frickin joint in the world, then so be it. Also, would you take a puff of that?

How stoned would you be if you took one puff of 150 foot long joint? It would take a while for the smoke to even get to your lungs. Yeah, man, you know what I would do? Honestly, I wonder if you get super stoned, man. Look, it's real thin. I don't even know if you can pull it. I don't know. It reminds me of when I did the beer ball. Did he smoke or does it show him smoking it?

Because I don't know if you can. I think I might be impossible. I did I have a foot long joint sitting in my my my closet. Can you do you think you can smoke it? I mean, it's it was it's more for fun. But yeah, you could smoke it. I don't think it's going to be great weed in there. But when you look at it, it's just so fun to have.

I don't know if this can do it. I mean, I would love to, but you wouldn't get that much because you know what it is? The way you can really tell how much weed you're going to get impacted by is how fucking girthy the joint is. Great, because if it's still thin, you still got to smoke the same amount of it to get high. But if it's real thick, like if it's like, you see how my hand is. That's right. And it's like where it is.

You see where it's like, imagine how thick this this fucking rod would be. And how like, if you place it to your lips, oh, yeah, your lips. It does all right. Oh, and what you get looks like you're giving oral there. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Ma'am, could I get some oral? I think. The term I deeply dislike saying or I am with you. All right. He's got here of the week.

Thank you so much. Do we have any listener emails? Oh, sure. We do. OK. Also, I want to talk about how many fake stories we got this week. We got a bunch of fake stories that we had to cut out. That was really, really funny because we were going through all this kind of stuff. The dude guy, the guy's good.

There's a fake story of the guy breaking into woman's house and stealing what he thought was drugs, but it turned out to be like a 250 men's come all dried up in a jar. I know. Unfortunately, it's not a real story. It was real. I wish you were too good for this world, Henry. Honestly, too good for this world. Just want one fairy tale to be real.

All right. OK. I mean, fairy tales can be very dark and cryptic. I'm not sure if we want them to be real. But as we learned, as we learned with my great conversation with the woman who studies fairy tales, the beauty and the beast. You know, the original beauty and the beast, the beast was very nice to Bell. And Bell left him and she went to hang out with her sisters. One was married to a Guston type and one was married to a comedian type.

But all he did was make fun of her. And the other guy was mean to his to his wife. And then she went back to the beast because he was nice, even though he was so ugly and in the American version, he's mean and Bell. And then she was because she, in the end, she was shallow and didn't want to have sex with that warthog man. But then she wasn't shallow and he was nice. So she gave it.

Completely flipped it. No, that's the American one. The American version is he's mean and she has Stockholm syndrome. But the original one, he was nice and ugly and she was like, I can't do it because you're hideous, but then she went back to him because he was nice. But then he transforms back into the prince. Yeah. But as we talked about, I think it was more of a Prince Charles. People assume when they hear Prince, it's going to be someone handsome.

But I've seen someone. No, they're quite a look at the princes that we have. Even the two hair, they started, they started handsome and then something happened, those jeans just kick in and all of a sudden they just become disgusting. This is probably for page seven. But the one prince that's married to the one lady, the older one, he's the son of the of Prince, whatever there, he looks it. But the other one, Prince Diana boned a hot ass soccer player.

Somebody else pretty good. Yeah, he's fine. Yeah, but Charles's legitimate son is looking rough. It's crazy how that happened. Much like Tony Blair. I just saw a picture of him. Anyway, we got to do emails. We're talking shit.

There we go. Bennett, Ben asked in the most recent episode why they don't sell condoms in prison. The reason is because as a ward of the state, you cannot consent to sex with another inmate legally, even consensual sex inside is considered rape because of the circumstances. The only thing that you could put your dick in legally is what's known as a Fifi, which is basically a homemade pocket, homemade pocket pussy. I absolutely love the last series. That's great.

Thank you. Very interesting. And again, that is horrible. They they're having people are having sex in prison, so we should provide condoms. Oh, yeah. This is another story that talks about that. My brother-in-law mans the kitchen at a state run prison in Northern California, all male prison. He let it slip one dinner that there was actually a gumball machine type

dispenser that inmates can get free condoms from. He said they have to refill it at least twice a week. I'm sure. Oh, yeah, it's basically to keep the men from spreading SEDs around the prison, which I think is really good. And, you know, you do have to have fun in prison. You can fill it with water. You can make blue and animals with it.

There are some other things you can do with condoms if you are in a sketch group like Murder Fist and you happen to all be incarcerated, fill in with blood. There's nothing more fun than watching 12 huge dudes go to a CVS and get non-lubed condoms because they would look at you guys and be like non-lubed condoms. You guys, oh, yeah, we're going to want this. And everyone was questioning a lot of stuff going in dry, going in dry. And here's the story.

This is a Scottish old lady hero story. This is also this is like, I don't know if this is here or the week, but this is we'll take a look. This is from Scotland. Okay. I'm on this we country bus going through an old town in Scotland called Dale Keith, although it's a lovely historic Scottish town, vibes, it is a horrible drug problem, and everyone looks like vacant sacks of meat most of the time.

Oh, crime is high. Murder and rape is often in the news. And Dal Keith is associated with one of Scotland's most shocking murder cases, the murder of Jody Jones by Luke Mitchell or today you go with the town is like. Anyway, I'm on a full I'm on a bus listening to you and this old woman signals the bus. She has her covid mask on is holding on to her Zimmer frame shaking about she doesn't get on the bus and waves to the driver to come out. He gets off and she pulls out of her bag, this huge bar of chocolate

for him and gives him a wee pat. He's totally shocked that she says, here you go, bus drivers have a rough time right now. So I just thought I'd give you a wee treat. She says she all this person who forgives me for my Scottish accent. I'm like nearly in tears by how cute this is. We've had some bus strikes recently because teenagers have been lobbing rocks at buses and it looks like she just wanted to let the driver know he was appreciated. I will say people do get mad if you delay the bus.

They do, but also no one will get mad if you give him a chocolate bar. Oh, wow. And if the bus goes past, I wave at her and notice she has a bag full of chocolate bars. She's been giving them out to all the houses all going past. Oh, that's nice. That is for your bus drivers. I have to. I really hope next week we don't get a follow up that they were poisoned. Of course. Yeah, but I want to say first of all, congrats, Kissel, to end me, not a single bestiality story this week.

No, not a single coming inside of a stuffed animal story this week. We just reported you. So we're saying congratulations to the world as a whole. We find the calendar, you know, like it was, you know, like how many days it's an accident and finally go back to it. We got a couple or we got one week up there. Not one Elmo was fucked. Not one stuffed animal from them from the animated series, Frozen, what was intercourst with? Not this week. Not this week.

And so congratulations to everyone out there. Good work. We're getting disciplined. I'm really, really happy with all of you. Have you watched this? Someone sent me one of these reels of a reporter talking to Jody Arias in prison. And it was very funny. Have you seen this thing? And it was the reporter says, so you say no one believes the word that comes out of

your mouth and she's like, yes, he's like, so why do you keep talking? It is he destroys her. It is very, very funny because she is not letting up. Jody Arias says she's innocent. Yes, indeed. Same thing with John Wayne Gacy and the last episode of that John Wayne Gacy documentary series where they're just looking at bones is powerful, but it's a bit sleepy. Yeah, I actually didn't.

I made it three episodes in and I think I learned everything I need to learn and be careful for clowns and for people who pretend to be something that they're not. Although, as with everything, and I know we've talked about the Gacy doc before, but there were so many warning signs that I feel like it maybe never needed to happen. Yeah, because it looks like like there are people being like, yeah, like he was a no. Like he was it was shocking to the world. But anyone that knew him was like he was creepy. Yeah, it's always that way.

It's always that way. We've been talking about it for years. We would say it for years. It's never it doesn't come out of nowhere. No, ever. Like there is always signs. It's hard to pull. It's hard to like put any triggers on it because someone it is still legal to be an asshole.

So you can be an asshole. It's just more like when you know, like he has multiple 16 year old boys just go missing around him over and over and over and over and over again. And it's the same story over and over and over and over again. And then he was also busted for being a pedophile in a previous city. You'd wonder you'd maybe think a little bit about it. But who knows because, you know, you got I guess you have to trust the JCs. Yeah, of course, the JCs.

Nobody's ever done anything wrong. No, there. So make sure you and that's a good thing to remember, right? Yeah, live each day watching out for your contractor, ask your contractor who he's hiring if there's any little boys in there that are not his children or nephews. And all they do is wear those like low rise jeans. You know what I'm saying? Sure, call the police on this person.

And when you call the police call like, laugh at them in like, I'm going to make the news tonight, Sergeant fucker face. First of all, I'm going to defund you. I'm going to take your money. And then Johnny Walgreens, what's going on here? You fucking you got to do you want to live, laugh and you want to love being Johnny Walgreens, knowing that you're going to take your money away from the police unless they behave and you got to get.

We got to take the fucking tanks away from them. I guess that's what I'm going to say. That's how I mean. Well, I, I agree with you on that. And of course, able to get stopped at what we continue to cover the criminal justice system and all of its warts and flaws. And hopefully we can get some improvements. Check out all the shows here on on the last podcast network.

And by the way, I have to say hats off. Dune has done so fantastic. So congratulations, Henry. And I'm actually going to say hold in as well. It feels great to me. I love it. I want to my goal is is to sit back and producers. I figured remember when we produced page seven's live show and before the show, they were all you were getting like excited for the show,

which is which we actually love that feeling of excitement before a show. But of course, there was also something about staying in the green room and eating pizza and they do anything and we didn't do anything. But this show, I am very much so working very hard on it. I'm looking forward to being where you are, how you're smiling and how you just get to do well with it. I'm looking forward to that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, unfortunately, I don't read Dune. So it'll never happen. I'm just joking. Well, anyway, congratulations, buddy. I love that that show was doing so great and spun and all the other shows. Support the support the last podcast. Our shit. Thank you so much. Thank you. All right, everyone.

Hail yourselves. Hail Satan. Magustalations. Help me. Indeed. Oh, yeah. Oh, please stop voting for me. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.