Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Rent-A-Hitman

Episode Date: April 19, 2023

Ben 'n' Henry bring you this week's weirdest stories and true crime news including the actor who played "the body" of Chucky caught and exposed by Online Child Predator Hunters, the Air National Guardsman who thought "Rent-a-Hitman.com" was an actual job listing site, Two men hospitalized after game of Monopoly ends in sword fight, Japanese “Problem Child Concept Cafe” in trouble after one of the servers was putting her blood into everyone's cocktails, an Oregon man withdraws $200k in cash from his family’s shared accounts, and starts throwing it out of his car as he drives around, thousands of cows die in fart-related dairy farm explosion, an itty bitty hero of the week, Listener Stories, and MORE!

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left side stories. That's when the cannibalism started side stories. Yes. Kiss my tongue. I'm still thinking about it. Man, you know, I was watching some b-ball, right? Cause you do. You and your men basketball, basketball. Ooh, you watch that Golden State Warriors game. Not a lot of it. You know what I was thinking was, I said, you know, like people talk about like, yeah, bigger ball, but I did. No, I want a smaller ball.

You want a smaller basketball, smaller ball, bigger hoops, minds, XFL. Do you remember the original? Vietnam meets the NBA. That would be a booby traps. Oh, so XFL is back and it's doing pretty good. It's sports talk. Very bad. No, it's not. I tried to watch it. You did not. I tried to watch it. You didn't like it. It's fine. Where's the big buddy? Where's the busty cheerleaders and the fireworks?

You want it to be, you want it to be worse. You want to pump in circumstance. Oh, very much so. I would love to have more extreme snacks and all that shit. But I was thinking about when these basketball men, right? When they, when they put the ball up in there, right? When they, when they, when they dunk the ball and they shoot the ball. People don't really talk about it because I know I played basketball for a while. I played basketball in high school for a little bit. I know you didn't. Oh yeah. In Queens.

No, in high school. It was in Florida. You played on the basketball team? JV squad. You did? Oh yeah. I had a fucking good cut. Wow. I was a good shooter. When? This was in high school. Really? When I was like 15, 16. Wow. I loved basketball. I used to play it all the time. I love basketball. But you know what people do? I didn't like my coach so I wrestled so I could grab a bus.

Okay. It was all men. And that's your power. That's just your power. But I was thinking, man, these balls fly around so fast after they're done shooting and stuff, these guys get hurt. Jamie, fingers and stuff. They'll watch the guy like, you know, dunk a basketball on top of another guy. And then I was watching the basketball go through hoop and then hit him on the head.

But no one really talks about how much that must hurt. No, it doesn't hurt that bad. The balls aren't that hard. They're very hard. No, they bounce. When's the last time you touched a basketball? Well, there's one out here in their studio. And we mix it up. I grab it. Oh yeah. But that's a hard ball. It's very... These boys really sacrifice. They're strong.

They are. They are. It doesn't give you the right to be a killer. No. No, it doesn't. Welcome to Side Stories, everyone. Ben, hanging out with Henry. No, ask OJ. It's so difficult to be so good at sports because he was the only one that was so good at sports that they just gave him this freedom.

Jimmy Snooka also got away with murder. Jimmy Snooka killed the gal in the 80s, I want to say. And then he had a full wrestling career after that. We could almost cover Jimmy Snooka on the last podcast episode. Jimmy Snooka, it sounds like a... Super fly. Is that an Inuit thief? Right. You can't see that.

I don't know. Mr. Snooka? I know. It's Jimmy Snooka. He's a murderer. He's Hawaiian, I believe. Oh, sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. All right. Well, that's fantastic. I don't know. I don't know what all the different rules are all the time. Well, you know what, buddy?

Speaking of little people, dude, we got to talk about this up top. Chuckie. Oh, well... You know, the guy who plays Chuckie. I didn't know. First of all, I didn't know that there was a tangible actor that ever played. Of course, we're talking about the little man that fell in love with Jennifer Tilly. And we love our Chuckie.

Well, one of the dudes who played him way back in the day, his name is Ed Gale. No idea who this guy is. Apparently, he was busted with a child porn. Yeah. And now we know. Oh, good Lord. It's that fast. How fast that happens. He got caught by a group. I guess he was being... It was on Creep. It was the Creep catcher unit.

This is brand new, so we don't know how vetted any of this information is. What are you talking about? What is this from L.A. Weakley? I know. And wow. Just L.A. Weakley's defense, emotional hyper-emotional defense of Taylor Swift, makes me distrust them as an entire entity. You better be careful, bro. We're not pissing off the Swifties. I know. I'm not. I know.

We pissed off Scientology. Who cares? The Swifties? I don't fuck with them. I'm neutral you can have her. We have one inside the house. Keep your Aryan goddess to yourselves, and I hope you love her. I hope you love her. All good. She's great. But Ed Gale, yeah, he's being accused of trying to meet with a minor for sex.

This meeting occurred, it was Friday, April 14th. This is real hot off the presses. by a group that called themselves creep catcher unit, creep catcher unit, confronted Ed Gale with a folder containing pronouns of alleged sexual conversations he had with the decoy account posing as a 14 year old boy. Okay, here's my thing.

Now, obviously, yes, I'm fine with it. They busted him with a bunch of CP. The man, things need to be investigated. And if all comes out that it is true, he needs to be held accountable. Nailed to the wall with very short little nails. What about the people who do the catching? You know, Ted Bundy worked on a suicide hotline.

Oh, sure. Do you think there's anyone inside of these organizations that's getting off, pretending to be a 14 year old boy, catching these people? Oh my God, I don't. I don't know. I feel that out. Is the call coming from inside the house?

I feel that people like to, we actually have gotten reached out to by one of the detectives, or one of the people that work with the detectives that work on one of those systems. And they're doing the Lord's work. Most of the time, I feel they are, a lot of times, either personal victims of abuse

or are people that are so violently like, not into it, that they then spend their life doing what stuff is extremely icky. I don't want to talk to these people. So they do, they get on there on the front line. They do. And they get in there and they have to say a bunch of stuff.

They have to say like, mid. You know what I mean? They have to learn how to talk like a 14 year old to fool a pedophile. This is one of the areas where chatGPT might actually help. Save the mental health of the people who have to go hunt the predators that are around our society. Maybe it would work because these people have to have PTSD

because I was making a joke. I know that the people that do this are good, but they have to have PTSD. How many predators can you hunt without being like, God damn it, man. Is there one person who doesn't like this stuff? They talk about this. They guys go, think about, you know,

the people that deal with these guys on a regular basis. The therapists for pedophiles in jail, the guys that have to spend their whole lives like in these sex units, these criminal sex units like going in real police officers, going after, it's a lot. You're gonna see a lot of material that you don't want to see, but it's weird.

But imagine chatGPT trying to figure out how to walk back. How many prompts of like, how do I seduce a pedophile? Just a prompt of like, imagine, I'm a 14 year old boy. I'm into the, what am I into? 14 year old pops. I have no idea.

You're out there. You're like your fidget spinner. I think it's just video games. It's the same thing that we like, but with more tech I think. Yeah, basically. Much more, much more involved. But yeah, I feel like everyone's gonna be pretty upset

at chatGPT if they found out that like, this has all been kind of like useful tool to quote unquote, like get pedophiles riled up. I mean, it would be a good thing because right now it's just framing people who are innocent. So this is actually the group's 350 third catch. Whoa.

So isn't that amazing? Pulling up the boat. It's kind of disgusting that that number is so high. And it's also one of those interesting things because we're gonna get into a story here as well about a hit man. But it's just amazing that they were able to catch so many people who were like,

I really think this is gonna be it. This is where I thought the love of my life. It does. It's absolutely disgusting. So anyway, I'm not even sure what, I don't know what Chucky he was. He, I don't know. It seems like he was in the original.

He was in the original Chucky. He was the body of the doll. And so as we know, the real actor buying Chucky, the character of Chucky is Brad Doriff. Absolutely. Brad Doriff, he's one of the best horror of any, of any genre actors on the face of the planet. So I believe he was much like the poor guy

who played Darth Vader. And it's sad. Can't even tell you his name. He was the wrestler. You know that whole story? No. Where it's the key basically was a- I never even thought, it wasn't the dude.

No, it was not James Earl Jones. So they just- When he took his mask off. He was a guy or he was a white man. Oh. Because it's funny because he's voiced by a black man. But if you look at him, he was a massive wrestler. But he-

I didn't know that. He was fed a line a bit that they said, well, you're Darth Vader, don't worry. And he said all the lines. And then, but the thing is he had this- He jumped over. He had a face mask on. Right.

And so he'd be like, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee. And then I bet you at some point he's like, are you sure that you can, can you even understand? Cause he was like- Yeah, it's going great. Nailing it, nailing it each time. Cause never telling him, he did not know

that he was not actually going to be Darth Vader until after the fact that he saw it. I mean, he made his money. But it was his face when they took off the mask. Yes, that was his face. But he was not the character's voice. And he's dead. Very much so.

You could have cashed in on Comic-Con money. I think that he did for a while. He would have had a moment, I think. I didn't realize that. That must be so disheartening when you're like completely cut out. It reminds me of what Metallica did with their fucking faces.

He did very well. He died in November of 2020. David Proust, he went and that is the name of the man. He was a weightlifter and wrestler. He was the body of Darth Vader and didn't get credit till later on. That's kind of what's nice about nerddom and all that shit is that eventually those crimes

can be sorted out. Absolutely. And again, the body of Darth Vader, a good person, the body of Chucky. Oh, not so much. Well, we'll find out, won't we? And as Henry said before the show, there's a picture of him and he's got an oxygen machine.

He's got the CPAP machine. He's got a photo printer, which are all just pedophile props. Yep, those are all accoutrements. And if you're going to buy a pedophile toy, that would come as like one of the accessories, a printer and a CPAP machine. All I know is I'm going to show everybody,

when I finally, when we get our CPAP machines, which I'm certain at some point, we will be forced to have those, when you can't breathe anymore because you're big and fat and out of shape. Yeah, but, but also like sometimes there are issues where if like, you know, I guess if you have lung collapse,

we're going to get emails, side stories LPOTLGmail.com. How did you get your CPAP machine? Take it to Twitter. Take it to Twitter. But talk about another one, another reason why you could never, ever trust something that seems too good to be true.

Absolutely. Is this story that just was like made for side stories? So stupid. No one's learned anything. We're all just doing the same shit over and over again in an Alice in Wonderland style loop of insanity. Just stupidity on top of stupidity all the time. Josiah Ernesto Garcia, he was arrested

for applying for a murder for hire job. He is an Air National Guardsman. And he thought that he found his jackpot because he found his calling when he saw the website, www.rentahitman.com. I know. That is real. He did do this.

He not only applied, he applied many times. But they say people don't want to work anymore. And look at that. This guy says, you know what? I'll take a job, please. I'm stabbing it. I'm taking a stab at my dream. I'm looking at my dream.

My dream is now arriving in front of me. This is it. It'd be like, I want to see Lord Michael's eyes. There will eventually be like a prank, apply for Saturday Night Live web portal that you could go to. And then you arrive at a place and then you've got all your props

and all your characters. And then a disgruntled improv comedian comes from behind you and beats you in the back of the head with a blackjack. It's gonna happen. This is what happened to this guy. So he showed up. So, oh God.

Now, the website rentahitman.com was created in 2005 to advertise a cybersecurity startup, right? And it was kind of a funny little tongue-in-cheek thing. But then eventually the administrator who owned the website thought it would be really funny to create this parody website. They would have false testimonies from people who claim to have been professional hitman

and how happy they were with the customer service. Well, the thing was with this, I remember, because we've talked about them before and I saw an interview clip, they just started getting requests for hitmen. And then they were like, wow, this is serious. So they give those requests immediately over to law enforcement.

Cause they were like a first, they're like, should we shut down this website? But I catch a predator of their own. Look at this website. They said no can do. The fucking rentahitman.com website is amazing. All right, Rentahitman, your point and click solution. We were a hundred percent HIPPA compliant

hitman informational privacy and protective act of 1964. They are all in. You could click the thing. I love this to blurb. It's common knowledge that the dark and deep webs are not safe. Marketplaces for carrying out nefarious deeds. These sites are often fraught with potential risks,

including viruses and fraud is rampant. Fraud. I need to kill my goddamn husband, but I do not want to get a computer virus. I need to get, let your fingers do the walk. There's no guarantee of privacy and your information could be leaked to less than reputable websites, including law enforcement agencies.

And that's no fun. It says that's no fun. That's no fun. You're literally talking to the law enforcement agency right here. Tired of getting bullied? Rentahitman has assisted individuals just like you as a victim of being bullied at the gym

and the office or at the club. So this guy. Well, I'm going to say this. Rentahit, they are making it slightly. It seems a little. Not obvious. Well, it seems, you know what? What if you are being bullied

and you do want to rent a hit man? Fuck it. Go to a Taekwondo class. Look, customer service and industry awards. Rentahitman prives itself with exceptional customer service. It won the 2018 to 2021 trigger warning award. That's not a real award. This is incredible.

But this guy, this is just out loud. It's right here. Garcia went by the name Reaper and he was, he said that he earned his marksmanship from military experience. Well, yeah, that's what got him the nickname. Yes, he was an expert marksman for not missing a single bullseye on all the targets

and for shooting expert with two or more weapons according to the FBI. So to be fair, he would have been a great hit man. Super and super built for the job. He is very, very experienced. He has like a gun that looks like a hit man's gun. Well, he's got the, he definitely does the selfie picture like a man soliciting a woman against her will

on the internet. There is a, he says here, not only he apply a, he sent in like the resume, he sent in his own resume, including his driver's license and passport. And then he sent more identifying information saying like, just in case you don't think this is me. He put his home address and another head shot. And then he eventually agreed to kill someone

from the website as a representative. He said that the, for $5,000 from an FBI agent. This is what's so sad. Have a little faith in yourself. Bet on you, dude. If you're going to take a person's life and they really want it done, a million bucks. Well, I've actually, I got a little bit of pushback

on that from listeners, which I do hear. We're like a couple of them really said. We have a lot of hit man listeners. Our hit man community. Hit people, thank you. They are the backbone of last podcast network. They are. And these guys, they say, which I do believe,

like number one hit men are largely got to know the guy. They're doing it for free because they want to do it. Alex, a Lori Vallow's brother. Oh my goodness. Lori Vallow's brother. That trial, by the way, we haven't really taught too much. We'll talk about it at some point. It's very emotional.

It is. It's really fucked. Well, part of it, this story, this is a side, this is a tangent, but the Lori Vallow trial is really kind of illustrating. Like obviously we have a lot of fun here, but it's how very sad it all was. And the idea of watching your mother

go completely fucking insane. It's hereditary. We were talking on Sirius yesterday. We were talking about the movie hereditary and she is kind of like that. Very similar. But to come back to the point where it's, oh yes, just they say like, you know,

you need to know your hit man, number one. And also you'd be kind of surprised how low the money is for some people. Well, what's interesting about Garcia, not only did he want to be a hit man, he was willing to go the extra mile. He told undercover agents that he would be comfortable torturing victims.

And he said I would be comfortable taking trophies such as fingers or ears. I'm glad, honestly, because that's so important nowadays, especially if you're applying for a job, is you really got to hit your employer with like what you're, all of your various boundaries are like, are you not super into anal play? Like, are you a person that needs to like, you love blood?

I must see blood. Fuck it's a blood. I have to see blood. The only way for me to work in this agency, Sirius, that I'm going to need to see at least a pint of blood on my first day. I'll work in your bathroom. So interestingly enough, so he has this AR-15,

there's a picture of it there, he's got a little scope and he accepted an envelope of $2,500. Now the person that he was going to, the fictional person he was going to kill was an abusive husband. After agreeing to the terms of the murder arrangement, Garcia asked the agent if he needed to provide a photograph of the dead body.

But here's my question. Is it going to hold, I mean, this kind of almost goes back to what we were talking about with the to catch a predator stuff. Sometimes these cases do get thrown out because of entrapment and things. I feel like sometimes an abusive husband does need to be popped in the head.

I, hey, so is it, is it wrong? I mean, yes. Yes, it is. Yes it is. Legally. Yes it is. It is incorrect. But I may have said in his own mind, he's a military man. He's Garcia and he says, you know what I'm going to stand up for this woman.

I'm going to kill this abusive husband. I mean, I feel like that's the most incel-y part of this whole thing is that idea. Straight up, if you are, if you know a friend's getting like abused by somebody, I think the key is. Break their legs. Break their legs. Destroy their property.

Like I know again, we're not lawyers. And so, and I'm not a, you know, anything, but one of the most important voices in internet content on the face of the goddamn planet. And you have to, if you want to do something, you got to take something your own hands. I also believe financial revenge is really good. Go and take their money.

Go take something from them. Again, suing somebody is a real way to deeply punish them for a long period of time. Let's not go nuts here or just forget about them entirely. Oh, just move on. Move the fuck on and let them live their horrible, pathetic lives. Cause guess what?

When it comes down to it, abuses, they end up, it comes back around, justice is serves. It is in many ways. Very honestly, no. Sometimes not though. No, it's not. No, it's not. Sometimes not.

Anyway, what you can't do is hire a hit man or be a hit man. He has a, there's a picture of Garcia smiling. You got to do it yourself. And so he is now looking at up to 10 years incarceration. Wow, that's really it. Well, he didn't do anything. No. He just said he would, you know.

How often does that happen? It seems like this website does it a lot. But it's, it literally is a joke website. This is a joke website. No, but they really do catch these people all the time. I think that's the whole point. We just need to teach that these kids, they need to look at the internet and know

that you can't believe, you can't believe with that. Someone just randomly says, oh, there, you don't know where it's coming from. You don't know. You don't even know what your friends are doing. Yeah. You know, on their own, you don't know what they're doing at home

when you're not with them. All right. So just, just fucking, go to it. So when Garcia. Code, learn to code. When Garcia was arrested there after taking the cash, which I am, maybe they should let him keep. It's our money.

And now Garcia allegedly told the agents that he did have some second thoughts about being a hit man and that he changed his mind. Garcia stated that he was meeting with the undercover agent to tell him. I was just about to quit. Well, that's what he said. He said he met with the agent to tell him

that he had changed his mind and did not want to do this kind of work. Garcia stated that he was going to call the agent when he got to his car and leave the money on the curb. What is he? Micah from love is blind. I don't know. That's what that sounds like.

I don't know what that reference means. But anyway. Y'all know though. They'll know that now. Y'all know that now. I don't know. Drive from your way. It's just been a hard couple of weeks

for our younger military, isn't it? Well, between the weeks. And now this guy, I don't know. It's weird because it's what Marcus brought up when we did our relax fit. Like the idea of these fucking wieners. These little wieners are the ones that have been destroyed so much.

Thank you for your service, wieners. Not those wieners. I'm talking about the front lines of the drone war. Well, drone wars, it's very difficult because you got to sit all day. Yeah. And then you have to deal with the drama of blowing up villages and it feels like you're not

doing anything. And my friend, you've just got yourself a purple shirt. Congratulations. You've killed 18 people with drones. That's a purple shirt award right there. Marcus, God, is that what you believe, Sir Miss Assel? Is that called a purple shirt? I hope it's not purple.

We can't have any more illnesses pop up in this man. No. Not our young boy. Talking about blood. Yeah. This story. I don't know a lot about Japan. I want to go.

Right? I love Japan. I know I can fit. My older brother can fit. So I want to go. I've heard it's amazing. I want to go. I'm so, so excited.

And Marcus said that when he went, he said that it's very sensory overload. It's very intense, right? It's a good lot going on. That's his impression. I like casinos because I like to ding. Because I'm crazy because my brain is constantly going nuts. So for me, that's actually neutral.

That's how I feel. Yeah, I feel calm in a casino. I love the dings. Me too. I love it. I remember last time we were in Vegas, when I ate 30 milligrams worth of edibles. That one thing, they have the electronic craps machine.

It's got that big dice in it. I want to them just bow and bow around. That's fun. It is fun. $400 is gone. It's just gone. But you're helping the economy. I'm helping the economy.

But Japan's got a lot of like kind of fun. It seems like FEMAE restaurants. And this was something I want to unpack because I have no fucking clue what it is that they're talking about and how often this is. This comes from the Daily Mail, highly reputable source. OK. Japanese waitress, the sacked fire for mixing her own blood

into cocktails at what this place called a quote unquote problem child concept cafe. OK. That's interesting. It's called the Mandaji Cafe in Sapporo. Mandaji, Mandai, it's a mandai-ige, con cafe daku. Right?

Nailed it. You sound worse when you try to do it that way. Yeah, it's very good. The point of this place, it's in Sapporo Hokkaido. Right? The name, I feel it. You're trying. I'm Alex.

You're back here. I'm happy that you're trying. Yeah. Puerto Rico. I told I hate you. I like that. But it really works. You're a guai.

Congratulations. You're officially white. All right. But you say certain words correctly. So everyone can know. Look at that. I go to the Mexican restaurant. They meet to the, they say, yeah.

Immediately, they know, like, oh, that guy's international now. Authentic, oh. No, this cafe is supposed to be a place where they hire troubled girls. OK. I don't know what the hell this means. Now, it's good. I mean, that's maybe, I mean, you know,

people get in trouble when they're younger. It's weird. It's but a part of a bigger problem. The cafe advertises itself as an establishment for quote unquote, problem children. I mean, as long as they're not being preyed upon by, um, problem adults. I'm certain that there's a little bit of, a little grab.

And then it says they, the cutest girls who enjoy the darkness. Oh, I see, yeah. It's a gothic cafe. Awesome. Which, I mean, like, that sounds fucking amazing. I can't wait to, I want to go. But the girl that was arrested is that apparently,

well, she wasn't arrested. She was fired and then given, I guess it was some kind of, like, fine or, but it was fine. But she was caught slipping her blood into a bunch of cocktails that she was serving to people. Wow. Now they're going to do it. They're literally just going to, like, clean it up and move on.

Of course, what else are you going to do? They're getting rid of all the cups, which is kind of crazy. I do feel like, you know, you can't actually technically steam wash all these things. And it's just a little bit of blood. Wow. So interestingly enough, the cafe owner tweeted a statement. And this statement is interesting

because it sounds so sad. He says, please let me continue the, oh my goodness. He says, please let me continue the story a little longer so I can be happy alone. Yes. I'll clean the store, change glasses, and dispose of alcohol that may have been contaminated. And once again, I am very sorry to have caused you trouble

this time. All he's trying to do is hire hot, troubled, goth women in your neighborhood. We need to support this man. We need to be there for this man. We need to support these poor, goth, troubled women. We need to bring them home. We need to invite them to our families.

We need to marry them and be with them. We've got to go, bro. So in Tokyo, there's a steak cafe, a ninja themed entertainment restaurant, and a variety of maid and butler cafes. Oh, that looks so fun. And then a doctor did say, apparently drinking the blood of other people is very dangerous.

Also, have you heard about this term? But this is a bigger thing, part time job terrorism. Have you heard of the term? Sushi terrorism. This is all a part of the same thing. And I don't know whether or not it's happening in America or not. So it starts with the Japanese concept of part time job

terrorism, which is somebody that is not a salaried person, someone who's there in a temporary aspect, and then they fuck up a bunch of stuff. And a part of what that is is sushi terrorism. I said in Japan, we have one here, too, where you go to the conveyor belt restaurant. I love it. We did it in Australia.

I love it. I love it. We did the conveyor belt sushi restaurants, and that it has been a social media, I guess, prank theme where you go and you ruin food that is kind of in a communal setting. I will say this. It seems, I mean, I understand. It's a public, you're communal eating.

But the cops did arrest two diners. They were about 35 and 34 years old. And they were arrested for eating the pickled ginger from communal serving bowls using their chopsticks instead of serving utensils. But the chopsticks just came from your mouth. But do you need to be arrested? Because, I mean, God, if Americans were held to account,

I mean, it would be a pipeline from old country buffet to prison. Oh, they would just be waiting. It would be like a speed trap for Spittle. It really would be. And God knows what would. We would be the fucking, you and I, straight up, we would be the son of Sam and Jeffrey Dahmer of Spittle.

Yeah, I don't want to know. Because of just how much I spit. God, I need more of the mac and cheese. Excuse me, sir, I would like some Salisbury steak. I'm just, my mic, my mic is wet. I refuse to watch them do a contamination test on any buffet food. We know what they're going to find.

I can't see it. And I need, I need to have this lie live. This is why you've been saying this about the US government. That's been the main issue I've really had with it over the last, like, couple of years, which has been like, just lie better. Can't we try harder with the lies?

Like, come with, like, act like you love me. Act like you care if I get upset. Lie to me harder. We're all living in a forest. And I would just, you know, because everyone's like, oh, everyone has their own reality now. It's like all of it's fake. So let's just all agree on the fake one we want.

With the nice one, the cool one. The coolest one possible. And then everything will be fine because it's all made up anyway. But yes, it's difficult. They have to go and they have to really clamp down on these guys, right? They do because if they, people are filming it, you know,

they're making their little funny content bits about it. People are going to get mad about it. You could see how that would fuck with the sort of the, the tourism industry of Japan. It would fuck with the restaurant industry if it became like publicly known that people like to stick their fingers in and out of all the sushi,

which has now been kind of a social contract. Oh, God, that reminds me. We've all held ourselves to. That reminds me of our friend who has the only Ron Jeremy story that I know, which obviously he's a disgusting man. At the place that Lemmy would hang out at all the time. Yeah, rainbow girl.

So apparently Ron used to use the bathroom by the kitchen and then come out of the bathroom without washing his hands and touch all the bread. He's disgusting. Isn't that gross, bro? I had a friend that also say that she, they would, there was a pool like he where his apartment was. You could see him.

He'd come out on his balcony and just unabashedly watch him all swim. They'd be swimming and he'd just get binoculars. Oh. And it's like, man, haven't you seen enough tits? How much snooch do you have to see? How much more? I mean, obviously we always serial rape with someone.

Well, speaking of Japan, let's talk about this in when it comes to Monopoly. Do you like this story? There's two dudes and they were playing Monopoly. What? And it was in Brussels. Oh, that is this other story. And I will say this.

Monopoly has led to more fights than crystal math. Well, this is now technically it's a hack subject, but you need to come back around to understand just how. No, it's not hacky. It's not hacky. Because people talk about how Monopoly ruins relationships, but they don't really talk about how it ruins relationships. It's almost like people think it's real money,

but it's not. It's Monopoly money, which is also what real money is. Well, it's because to true nerds, they all think that, oh, your behavior within the game is kind of say something about your inner. If you want to be a con man, you can. You got to be. It's the game.

You shouldn't win the Monopoly. I'm trying to win this game. The only thing you can't do is if you were the banker, you can't fuck with people's money. I always did. But you can screw people over. You can make horrible deals.

But this is the reason why I honestly, I recused myself from Monopoly because I could not be trusted with the bank. You're like my grandmother and Rummy Cube. It's just because, because again, I don't see any stakes here. It's, it's a game. No, but you have to stay within some parameters.

Otherwise the game is completely worthless. But that's why I moved away from that. Went to risk, which is a true merit based game. Yes. So in Brussels, there was two dudes. And one guy got into a fight because he didn't like the approach that the other Monopoly player was taking.

Of course. Cause some people really do the land grab. Cause it depends on if you guys use, trying to suck up as many properties as possible or the type of person trying to line up proper properties in order to possibly, and then flex hotels. And what's so interesting about this story is around five AM. Oh yeah.

On April 2nd, a group of four people have been playing the board game. Alcohol was involved. On the sidewalk. Oh yeah. That's a real, that's a, that's a really intense street game. Well, I think it gets more intense if you're actually homeless.

Then it's like, whoa, this is, it's very serious. You're playing for keeps. So the participants were loud enough to wake up the neighbors, a father and a son. Can you imagine that? And they're like, get the hell out of here. You're homeless, but you're playing a capitalist in a game. I would just be ruthless.

Yes. Things quickly got heated between the players and the father son duo, resulting in the son bringing out a katana sword for defense, and then they ended up going to battle in real life with the sword. The sad part about that story is the fact that it was sheathed. Yeah. He didn't really mean it.

Well, the player tried to grab the katana and remove it from the holster, but the son tried to get it back. And anyway, it really is a nerd fight. Oh, very much so. You're fighting over Monopoly. Yeah, but they were wounded and they did go to hospital and the son was struck in an artery and is actually in critical condition.

No shit. So they might die over this. The single dumbest thing. It's 5 a.m. in the morning. You get woken up by a group of idiots playing Monopoly. What it my response is, I really, I tried because people are fucking nuts. Sure. So I would just always disengage.

I just like, I'm just like, I'm good. Like I just take it. I do take it. I would think that there again, there's got to be an America. It seems to be we're really jumping to here, especially. We're jumping to very physical, like over the top reactions. Well, right now we've got it very weird. America is suffering from a problem of very old people

that are armed to the teeth that are home alone and scared and they can't wait to shoot strangers. That's that. And then there's the middle-aged ones who are alone and scared and home alone. And then there's the young people that are alone and home and scared alone with guns armed. America is the perfect. So they say there's more acts of violence

on a daily basis in minimum security jails. Sure. Like there's more fights, but the fights are much more intense in maximum security. People get shagged, you die. Yes. So in America, we don't have the middle ground. We are in maximum security. All the time. So you can't just go like, keep it down, because you just don't know.

Well, sometimes, though, you've got to fight for your day himself, which is why I believe in the water balloon. The water balloon is great. Yes, more water balloons. Water balloons. I think that if you want to disrupt a intrusive monopoly game, they would ruin the whole board. Water balloons are the way to go. And then what you do is you keep one frozen just in case

they try to escalate and then you beat them in the nuts with it. That's the nuke of water balloons. Yeah, beat them in the nuts with it. I feel like there needs to be more nut-based attacks and less shooting people in the head. I think it is much better to, you know what we need? Remember the cartoons? These are the gun that has the boxing glove at the end of it.

Great. Shoot a guy in the nuts, right? Bunk him right in the testicles. Take him out, drop him out, give him something to think about. That's what my dad said. He said there was no such thing as a dirty win in a fight. The only thing it does is end the fight. I'm happy. You torture a man's testicles.

You grip them and you rip them and you suck them and you bite them. You bite them and you try to suck his dick. You act like you're about to suck his dick. Good idea. I think that's the big key, is that you get down in all fours and you say, like, why don't we fuck this out? Let's fuck it out. The next thing you know is that you're making in a fight.

Yeah. But you're fucking too. Yeah, your dad gave you interesting advice. But you know what? That's Polish advice and it's under five foot eight advice. And I think that that's right. It's about going. That's why I don't.

I don't fuck with nobody because the little ones, they are close to your balls. Well, I'll zip around your ankles. Yeah, I know. I'll buy and I bite. I bite. I go for eyeballs. I want to fucking.

I want to fucking at the end of it. You love me. You know, like at the very end of the fight, you're like, wow, I'm satisfied. Look at this guy. I just look at my little buddy from your way. All right. Well, let's move on quickly.

Let's Henry. Let's talk about this story. I don't know what the fuck is going on in Austin. Do you want to do this Austin story really quick? Well, this is I don't know a lot about this story. We don't know a lot. OK, so there's an end. There's eight.

Eight people have gone missing. Yes. So the eighth body has been found in a lake. This is in Lady Bird Lake, Lady Bird Lake, which I believe is that was the nickname of was it Johnson's wife? Lady Bird Johnson. I couldn't possibly give a shit. Yeah, I don't know.

So they're naming this the Rainey Street Ripper. Now this is this is a bit early for a nickname. It is. But it is a potential serial killer in Austin. I'm not going to say it's a coincidence that all comedians move to Austin and immediately there's a serial killer. Because now they got all these murderers there. And all they do is kill.

I killed it on stage. Austin residents fear they may have a serial killer on the loose. It's the eighth body has been found in 10 months. They've been pulled from the same lake. People don't know what the hell is going on. The people, the victims are they seem to be young men in their 30s and they're strong. They seem to be strong men, but not

usual serial killer victims in some ways, kind of interesting. It's obviously very sad. I just don't know. At first they said they did not suspect foul play because they had just brought a body out of the water. John Christopher Hayes Clark was discovered. They said that he died of natural causes. They couldn't find trauma.

It reminds me of the smiley face killer case in Wisconsin where everyone, because it does happen, you get hammered and you walk into a lake. You just fall. Yeah, exactly. We cover the mysterious as appearance of another dude that ended up in the lake. So it seems like after but eight in 10 months,

something's going on. That's like a lot. See, either they're really either Austin is just full of people get hammered or walk into lakes all the time or some money is doing something. Some that it's kind of that it's very similar to the smiley face killer. That's kind of what they're saying.

Because right now they're saying that there is no signs of trauma yet. But it also just sounds like these bodies keep getting pulled out of the lake and they are really holding close to the best what they're finding. Because they're not saying anything. But the investigations have now are moving past that this is a quote.

I believe it's the term wrongful death or accidental death. They're they're they're moving away from that. And but we don't know what they know yet. We don't know. Christopher Hu 21. He was found actually back in 2019. He had some blows to the head and bruised hands. Yes, it does look like some of these people

might be members of the LGBT community. Yes. So maybe there's something with that. Maybe it's a. It's just I mean, either way, these are young men who look to be totally able bodied and strong and they are all ending up dead in a lake. Yes.

So I yeah, well, that's all we know. That is all we know. I just want to keep your head on the swivel if you're in Austin because you never know. Truly like we we actually despite our callousness of times because of being comedians. We care about you fucking pieces of shit. And you need to actually think about when you're drunk.

Like just think about your circumstances. Don't wear headphones. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, also you should be able to walk around. You should be drunk in Austin, Texas. So anyway, just be careful out there because it does seem like a trend is going on.

But we don't know yet. Truly, we don't know what it is yet. But just make sure you know, you know, any information send decide stories LPOTL at gmail.com. Yeah. So Texas, please are patrolling the the waters by boat and there's more people out, I guess, as you just said, Henry, on the on the lookout.

So hopefully if this is all if this is one person, hopefully they catch the motherfucker soon. And if there are true Texas police that we know a lot of what they're going to say is his head just did that. His head did that. Yeah, you know, I don't know what heads do that. So who fucking knows?

Who knows? But then again, there's some great hard in Texas caps, too. There are sometimes not all that. Haven't seen some in the news recently. Well, I haven't really seen a lot of coverage of that. No, they, you know, but Heller High Water is a great movie. If you want to check the fictional police, that's an incredible story of a great movie.

All right, speaking of heads. All right. Favorite story of the week. Oh, yeah. This story is fucked up. And they don't know what the H is going on. Something's bad over in India. Now, this is a new deli.

I prefer old. Don't do it. Now, a couple beheaded themselves with homemade guillotine in a ritual sacrifice. Guillotine. I don't think it's good. You've got to prepare yourself for the afterlife. 38 years old and 35 year olds.

They were survived by two children, parents, and relatives. I don't, man. This is wild. Now, these guys, a couple. Oh, man, should I try to pronounce it? No, no. Give me a good no try. Hemubai Makwana, 38 years old and his wife,

Hansaian, 35, they both died by decapitation after using this homemade bladed mechanism. Now, what they did, this is wild. So they created this whole ritual space. This whole space. And there was a fire that they built. Now, fire is sacred to Hinduism. Love the fire.

It's a fire altar. And to many religions, it's a purification act. Don't know, but what's awesome is that the top of this, they built a ramp that two of them got into the machine at the same time. At the same time, I guess Papa Bear let the fucking rope go, chopped their heads off of the machine, heads rolled into the fire to be consumed by said flames.

It is fucking metal as shit. I'm going to do the same thing when I'm 85 years old. That's fucking crazy. But we don't know what the sacrifice was for. We know that a suicide note was left for the family, which is like, we don't know what the hell, what happened there. We don't know.

We haven't really even talked about why or the actual thing was. But what I actually did not know was that human sacrifice recently has been having a moment. It's having a moment. It's been having a Brendan Fraser moment. That's great. Recently where there is another story

that was fucking wild. By the man named Bhagaval Singh, that was a poet and a leftist sympathizer. This is according to, I don't know, I might be again, fully deep. I'm not even sure what that means. That could mean like they're Nazis. I don't know.

I don't know. But a man that was a poet and his wife, they created a team where they kidnapped and beheaded two women as a part of a human sacrifice for prosperity and life. Where they went and they tortured these two people and chopped them up. But it's a crazy story.

And this is why they need Marvel. Yeah, maybe they do need Marvel. I feel like we need to give them some more content. They need some content. The streamers really got to get in there. We're seeing an open window. These people. But Bollywood is starting to crush.

I actually can get into some Bollywood. Oh, yeah, dude. So apparently, again, this is according to a Daily Mail story. They say black magic is still practiced in parts of India. And the point is to aid in fertility. Or just magic control. Affect the weather or cure people of illnesses. So that's what they say.

And it, but it doesn't, it doesn't affect the weather. It could cure you of an illness if you no longer have a head. And I guess if you did it, if you did it for this cold, it's been fucking killing me, man. I mean, like we haven't sacrificed a body to God. Damn it, man. Shit. April showers, bro.

You didn't kill fucking Wendy, dude. Fuck the groundhog. I was supposed to rape the groundhog. That's not I needed it. I need to end this winter. We already had our former mayor in New York, Bill de Blas already killed a groundhog by dropping it on his fucking head. That guy has sucked.

All right. And this is according to a commenter on this Middle East, Hollywood, just what do you think every weirdness known to man has been thought of? Shut up, commenter. I'm just comparing it. What? You're comparing it to like, oh, you like your oat milk?

Yeah, I don't. What's he talking? Interestingly enough, also not to move on a little bit in. More like Halliweard. I was almost going to make this next guy here of the week, but he's not because it turns out he stole $200,000 from his family. So this guy was in Oregon.

This story is actually kind of like there's layers to it because I like how the police are involved. People are rolling out. Well, the police just don't know what to do. Because it's not illegal. They're like, how is this a crime? How is this a crime? So we're doing Oregon.

He's driving on the highway. He took $200,000 of the money that belonged to his parents. It was all in cash, $100 bills. He just starts going full fucking hubba hubba joker on it and just throws it out his car window. Hubba hubba hubba. Who do you love? People who were behind him, of course,

because everyone is absolutely in desperate need of money right now, pull over and start collecting the $100 bills. The family has said, if you did collect any other $100 bills, we would like them back to this guy. I don't think it's going to happen. Again, I don't know if he's running for local office, but it kind of sounds like he had this sort of a positive mental breakdown in a way where he drained the savings

of his entire family. Yeah, I think it was bad. But the idea of this. So the cops said, they saw him on the side of the road because they just show up to absolute chaos. Total chaos. The whole highway was backed up. People were, the people who stayed,

that's what they showed up because it was dangerous. They said that the people showed up like, you know, and they just see money everywhere. And this guy is just throwing money at the side of his car. And obviously people are scrambling to grab it and do all this type of shit. And the cops come because they don't know what to do because they go up to do like, is this your money?

And legally it was his money, not really, but kind of he had access to it. I think you got it. I'm certain that this is going to play out in court, but he had to go, he took out the money from his family. And they were like, he's like, yeah, I'm just giving people money because I'm just a fucking local like that.

And they were like, all right. And he said, the main issue was that, well, you're creating a traffic problem that we need to clear up. This is all like gunking up the work. It is a Colin Davis McCarthy, he's a 38 year old man. That's who did this. He said that he just wanted to spread a little bit of joy. He says, quote, I just want to bless others

with the gifts of money. I just, if you are, if you're out there, man, side stories, LPOTL and gmail.com, I want to talk to you. How do we get some of this money? Yes. Cause we'll be good with it. And well, maybe what it is, if you could,

if he can secure a bunch of money, we could give it to somebody who really needs it. Like, like, uh, Biden. There you go. Oh Joe Biden. Oh, what a lucky people we are. Sit it right down in Antipollos, he's pussy. Oh, there you go.

Now you got her. So one witness said it was dangerous just because there was a bunch of people walking the streets of the fucking highway. Oh yeah. Hurting these freaks. You hear. You know.

But like, cause that's my thing, right? I'm on the low income side. Baby, I'm like, got nothing to do that day. My buddy runs up to me. And he's just like, I'm like, what's happening? Free money on the highway. Yeah, we're going.

Oh, I'm going. That's beer. That's a bunch of, I mean, for me, I would, that's what I would buy with it. If you told me now, and we're doing well, if you told me now that there's free money in the highway, I'm going to go get the free money. It was kind of crazy though.

Cause some people were running from shoulder to shoulder of the interstate. Yes. Waiting for cars to pass. That's where the, that's where it's bad. But the family, um, they're not happy. No, they're not because they said, Oh, he wasn't supposed to do that.

That was all the money. Well, you know that's technically what happened was your old array. What? That is based, this is basically a very minor version of the general, the right story of the fact that he just spent all of his like generations of wealth. Like he just spent it all in several years.

And that's why they ended up, you know, whether or not you believe they put the fix in or whether or not he was a little too curious in his downstairs pants for the children's sake. His family says they're now penniless. So they lost all their money. And then McCarthy, uh, he told the police that he had gained the money

by draining his family's shared bank account. Um, but then the police did say it's unlikely that they will get it back. No, no, absolutely not. Because you can probably ask the bank and the banks can be like, well, you pulled it out. You probably should have given that that loose cannon that you had involved there

that somehow had the password is, you probably should have changed that password to that bank account. Yeah. So anyway, that's a- Cause they're not going to help. Don't worry. The bank is definitely not going to help

unless everybody freaks out, but I still feel like they- No, they're banks not going to help. Cause it's not fraud really. No, he just threw a bunch of money out of this window, which you can do. You can do. You can do whatever you want with your money.

So you can throw it out. And I mean, the biggest issue here was again, the traffic jam. Well, what about the other people that the accounts belong to? Do you think that they have any sort of standing about trying to get any of that money back? In a joint, I think it's, if it's joint,

I think that you're like, I trust him. He's not going to do that. I guess. He would take $200,000 on an account. I think it's, I think it's all of theirs. And I think he just took his bank account. He's like, now it's all mine. Now it's all mine.

Now it's everybody's. It's going to make for awkward family dinners. And you know, this guy probably has a lot of explaining to do. And he's- Oh yeah. I mean, Thanksgiving is not going to be good. If he was 11 years old, he would have been here over the week. Oh yes.

If he was 11 years old, he's 38 years old. This is some form of revenge. Something horrible happened in that family. He did say, this is some kind of equalizing thing. I feel like this story is going to open up wider in a way that we don't know. I want to find out what this guy's background is and why he did this.

Also, just lastly, a massive explosion in Texas killed about $28 million worth of cows. It's because the, did you see this in South Fork Dairy Farm? The building blew up because of cow farts. Oh my God. Was it properly ventilated? Yes. The cows were, and the cows fart. So it was like full of whatever come.

What is, I forget, what's the name of that gas? Comes out of your ass. Methane. So the whole thing, so full of cow farts, and then something like sparked, and then the entire building went up, and then like 18,000 cows. Jesus Christ, honestly.

18,000 cows were burned. Not to be anything, but it probably smelled great. What do you mean? Just that delicious roast and beef. Yum yum. It's farts. Yeah, but the farts, as soon as it explodes. Look at that.

You think that's going to smell good, buddy? That ain't good. Oh, I feel like the chemical stuff would really override all the roasting. Beef smell, but still the idea of all that meat. Delicious. Great, eh, mm-hmm. Angustic.

Ooh, sizzling right there. Self-sizzling English. I don't think. That is what I like to say. Mm-hmm. I don't think that this is edible. This beef cooks itself with its own farts. The Castro County Sheriff, Sal Rivera said,

there's some that survived. There's some that are probably injured to the point where they'll all have to be destroyed. Oh, that's sad. So you're going to have a bunch of phantom of the opera cows walking around them just burnt? I mean, no one will love me, except for Christine, because she will understand my nature of music.

Which is also closing this week. Phantom's closing. It is? No, it's not. No, Phantom is finally closing. It's actually very sad for me. Isn't it like the oldest play on Broadway? Yep.

Why is it closing? It's closing because they're fucking because the zoomers. People aren't going to Phantom? It's TikTok. Short attention spans. That's what it is, man. It's fucking.

No, it's hustle culture killed Phantom of the opera. I don't know what happened. I think it's that there hasn't been a lot of like sympathy for ugly guys in a while. Yeah, maybe Phantom is about, you know, obviously the most toxic boyfriend of all time, blah, blah, blah, blah. Because again, he was made a villain

because his face was so disfigured. I know one would dare try to understand his inner life. Poor Eric. He will never be loved, Willie. That's why he has to take and take and take. Oh, isn't that sad? But so I find it very sad. I wish that, you know, I loved Phantom.

We've seen it several times. I thought the sequel to Phantom, it'll come back. I don't know. But then it's going to have like a hairy styles in it. And he's going to be happy. Yeah, but he's going to wear like, I don't know. Phantom. Thank you.

All right, everyone. It's going to be, I'm just surprised. Like, don't end it. What's filling the void in Broadway? Just keep Phantom. No, they have stuff like, you know, I want to say they have real housewives of Broadway now. And they've got like, what's it?

Hamilton four, where we got to go and listen to Abraham Lincoln rap about how he actually loves black people. And I know, but he's played by a black guy. And that's interesting. And you have to go like, wow, what's happening here? And Hamilton five is all about JFK about how his head just did that and they have the whole, they have the whole secret service team doing like a, they, they, they're like fighting over

the body in a tap dance number, just happy. The ladies of the Upper West side can say, oh, I love you. Pop Hamilton's one of my favorites. I mean, you know, it brought, but I'm really happy that it brought hip hop to a group of angel donators that would have never have even thought of a hip or a hop just due to the brittleness of their bones. All right, let's do hero of the week.

Oh my God, Guinness book of world records has just named this Chihuahua named Pearl, the shortest Chihuahua of all time, AKA the world's dog, world's shortest dog. I'm not even, I have no issues with this. A two year old female Chihuahua named Pearl, shorter than a dollar bill, shorter than a popsicle stick, he measures 3.59 inches in height, shorter than a popsicle stick and a standard TV remote.

You see what his little jewels on, she's got jewels on. Look at this whole photo shoot. She's got, she's next to a fancy high heel. There you go. That's what you want. That's so cute. She's related to the previous holder of the shortest dog title that is Miracle Millie, who measured 3.8 inches in height. So this is a great dog lineage that this little pup Pearl is

coming from. According to the Guinness book of world records, Pearl qualified for the title after her vet at Crystal Creek Animal Hospital in Orlando, Florida, used a dog measuring wicket to determine her height. I feel like it's on measuring wicket. There's a full wicket for dog measurement. I don't know.

I guess. I'm fine. It's fine. She's as small as a ball and well, do you know the original terrier that measured the, actually the smallest dog of all time by the name that was owned by Arthur Marples that never named it. It was measured 2.8 inches in height, 3.75 inches in length.

It died when it was one year old. Oh, that doesn't count. It's not even done growing. It doesn't grow until two years old or maybe even a little bit beyond. I don't know, but anyway, there's also a dog named Spike who loved Doritos and porch napping. There were another Chihuahua.

They were really short. They were a 22 year old mixed breed pup. But now that title is gone because Pearl got it. You know what I like? It's competitive. You know what I like about Pearl? She hasn't contributed to the chaos of America in the last several years.

No, she hasn't. And for that, that's hero enough. Absolutely. She's just there to stand where jewelry, she's got a little sweater. She's smaller than a water bottle. Yeah. She's bigger than a water bottle.

That's cute as well. Yeah, that is cute. Honestly, he hasn't said a single thing about trans people, which is extremely nice. Probably getting treated better than most people, but you know, that's where some people get upset. And I do understand that. I don't like when people will money to their dogs, but in this

case, who cares? Pearl's just a little, little ass dog. I like it because it just really shows just how like money is just fake. You know, you can't give it to a dog. Oh, yeah. Some people really need it, but that's why you need to kill that dog.

Unfortunately, that's kind of on you. If you want to get access to a dog, I'm saying to a dog that has multiple millions of dollars, it's kind of on you to figure out a way to insinuate yourself into that dog circle, find a way to gain the owner of that dog's trust, get a health insurance policy put out on that dog, get yourself in the new dog will and then kill everybody involved in that entire group. But that's on you.

You're pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps and making opportunities for yourself. I think that's what happened. Remember when that old crusty biatch died that no one liked? She gave all of her money to her dog? Which one? Ah, she was old and mean. I don't like to.

Most of them are. Yeah. Most of them are. Now let's get some listener emails. First of all, I want to give big ups to the people who found them. You remember the ghost potatoes? Of course. But I did have someone just say, probably it's mice.

Oh. Now here's another story. That's it, huh? He's the debunkers we got here. Wow. They're just saying it's probably just mice. You know what I mean? And I'm trying to be transparent here.

And I know you are. You guys, you guys, you look to us for info, obviously. I don't know about that. You're looking for us for the hard news. You're looking for us to keep data up and tight. And I promise you that. Here's a paralysis, piss demon story. Now I need to tell the story because I currently have to blood pressure

medication piss so bad. You're pissing 20 times a day. You're yellow right now. Like I'm just seeing a yellow filter over everything. Oh, badly. I need to pee. I had to pee in my car the other day after a live performance. We got stuck in traffic.

It takes it. It does happen sometimes. He just said that into a microphone. It does happen sometimes. Ben Kessel. No. Because a homeowner, business owner told me that he tried his best to hold it. But he was two inches.

We was two minutes away from his home and I tried to get past my foot but to unbutton my pants. And he just peed in his car, Fernando, your boss. No, it's fine. It happens. It happens. It happens. Do you just randomly piss?

If you have to, you have to. I couldn't get past my foopa. You couldn't get out of the car. You couldn't have Travis hop in and you go on the side of the road? No. Travis was driving. Because I'm on Bud Lights. Because we did our show in Levity Live.

It was great and everyone came out. Everyone in the whole town came out. It was like the music man. Just sitting in silence. Fine. Because I just want everybody to hear it. I couldn't get past my foopa. I'm actually really surprised he even said it.

I don't think it's that big of a deal. You don't? Side stories. It happens. When's the last time you just let yourself piss yourself? You don't let yourself. That's the whole point. When it was supposed to be a 45 minute drive, it took 90 minutes because of traffic.

I am wasting valuable piss moments for myself. All right. Get on with it. All right. Now, this is for years. I've experienced terrifying migrants and experiences with a paralysis demon struggling to wake up from a man in black choking me. You daddy or clawing my chest all on my body to kicks and thrashes to retake control.

But recently I expressed it to my doctor because now I have to pee several times a night. I don't know what that's like. You do. It's called sarcasm. I know you certainly she said is imparted with many years of heavy alcohol use and pots of coffee that have now ruined my bladder according to this man. This was he saying it ruined his bladder. I think it's only made my bladder more fun.

I mean, maybe as we get older, I think the bladder is a little weaker. Oh, very much so. Very much so. Yeah. I went to go see Bo was afraid. I pissed four times. I was afraid. Great movie.

That's a lot. Great movie. Really very long. Three hour movie. So now I have come to realize that when I was in a deep sleep and needing to pee that my mind will conjure up terrifying nightmares to wake me up so I don't piss myself. Which I've actually, I have those, but I had more minor minor in a bathroom in the dream and I'm about to piss and then you wake up like, oh, yeah, for example, last night I

dreamed a dog. Thank you. Held the motor of a chainsaw without the protruding blade mount, but with a cutting blade raptor on my neck and proceeded to saw my head off. My head convulsed and my legs kicked until I was finally able to wake my body up. And I realized I had a pee, isn't it? But isn't the pee now? I mean, again, I'm not going to be a whole year than now.

Because I'm not going to do that. But I feel like I just, I don't need a nightmare to wake myself up. I feel it. No, yeah. But it's how it's all works. And because you know how like sometimes the alarm, in my mind, the alarm sometimes works as a way to my dreams. I've had those.

Of course. Where like I'm at all of a sudden in a bank and the alarm is going off. I have literally had that dream and you realize that you've just, the alarm's been going for 15 minutes. My least favorite and all of us have it is the dream where you're getting ready to go and you're like, okay, I'm getting ready to go, but you're still sleeping. Oh, it's so weird. You're like, I have my socks on.

God damn it. That's like back in the day. I haven't had one of those. Those are anxiety dreams. Oh, yeah. Oh, very much so. Okay. And here's another one.

This isn't, this isn't the starchy mystery. I live in this, in a snowy town in Kanata. It was the second day of snow that season I had pulled my winter boots out of storage the day before. I wore them that whole day, took them off when I got home from work, ticked those bad boys into the shoe rack and continued on with my evening. Next morning I woke up and got ready for work. When I went to put my foot into my boot, I felt something that wasn't right.

Inside my left boot was about a half a cup of uncooked rice. I've absolutely no idea where this rice came from. I live with two other people who swear up and down, they were not, they were not involved with the rice. But I believe them. While doors were locked, no one heard anything in the night. Not even our super reactive chihuahua made of people. Wow.

And that's, that is actually key. That is key. It's a bag of rice in the cupboard where it should have been when disturbed. This mystery has left me absolutely baffled with only one conclusion. It's a rice ghost or rice. Hey, we could be a rice serial killer living in Rome. We don't know. I haven't had any starch based phenomena since this incident, but I have to admit it did

spook me a little. So just a warning to everyone out there, keep an eye on your starches because you never know when you could be haunted by a grain ghoul or a potato pelterkist. Wow. I like this guy's alliteration. I like this. But honestly, where did that rice come from? I don't know.

It's certainly not from the weddings. You don't throw rice anymore. Now that's actually now, I believe that it's been re that's been D debunked. It's D rebunked. But now I think they can eat rice. They've just were for a while. They were fighting against it. There was all, I would say cook it please wads of rice.

So first of all, I want to say if you are in the Los Angeles area and you're here in this before the show come out for 19, we are at the hack theater for classy night out me and adolescent enjoying ourselves are going to get fucking super weird and loosey goosey. But for 420 to celebrate the holiday, go to Spring Hill Jack coffee and buy anything because all proceeds are going to last prisoner project, which we work with here at LPN. They're great and they're helping people get back on their feet after years of being in jail unfairly for marijuana and helping those that are still in jail up to 40,000 people to get them out.

So go buy some Spring Hill Jack coffee on 420 and all proceeds go straight to that sticky icky. I literally have to end this episode. I must pass. You must pass. All right, everyone. Well, thank you so much for listening to 40. This is called.

This is 40. All right. It's growing every day. If you're under 39 years old because you can control your piss flow, you are still 38 years old. I know. You're aging yourself. In fact, every day you live, you get a day closer to when your bladder couldn't possibly

give a shit about your schedule or your life or your family. It doesn't care what you've done. And then you'll laugh because one day maybe you'll achieve two piece like Kissel has and you'll just fucking piss yourself because you will because that's what that's what pieces. That's what I've stopped carrying about a lot of shit. No, we can go because you have to because we can only get what's in our control. My blood pressure is 130 over 60.

You're doing fantastic. All right, everyone. Hail yourselves. I'll talk to you soon. Help me. Come. Come. Go Pete.

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