Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Samurai Sword Girlfriend

Episode Date: March 5, 2020

Ben 'n' Henry break down this week's true crime news: a semen-filled syringe, a sword-wielding girlfriend, a cursed tree, AND MORE.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left side stories So kissly some Monday night raw last night, huh? Yeah, buddy. I got I got floor tickets. I was I was on TV What did they they say hey look they even let horses in to see Monday night raw and then they cut to you and you're like Get that horse back in a stable you bastard Is that what I mean? Yeah, it was very fun though. It was great I saw some hot action a lot of high flyers the street profits won the tag team championships, so that was awesome Fascinating yes Monday night raw was that no condoms Welcome to side stories everyone. I am Ben hanging out with Henry

No, it's been you know Henry and I we've had a hell of a week so far hell of a week I so I would I did top hat on Sunday because I wanted to keep keep up with the news Henry Yeah, I know that you do. I know you guys are current you and Travis are in the trenches. Yeah reading the New York Post every addition of it It's huge I know that you guys do a lot of research for top and as soon as we released that episode then everyone who was running for President dropped out making our episode completely meaningless and worthless and then um, you know It's just been it's been one of those fun weeks so far is mercury and retrograde

I'm gonna commit suicide. I it's been a difficult week for no reason I think about this in terms of these pre like you know because Marcus was like trying to say in the middle of doing This JFK series, right? He always likes to want to say you know like who knows maybe America would have been more left maybe a little bit more humanitarian But JFK literally could have done anything as president like any notes like you could record a top hat And you're like looks like Bernie's gonna get it and next thing you know Bernie's like pulling his dick out in a Like you know like a plan to wipe out with his balls on a bunch of children a bunch of orphans And then you know, I mean he could maybe still be president. I don't know

I don't know I don't know that could help him. Well, but yeah with without JFK We got the 64 and 65 voting rights and civil rights act I bet you that doesn't pass with JFK. So I say oh, no, that's controversial very Say that without his being a martyr. He was a martyr. We don't need to go into these waters today We don't have to trench into this world I'm just saying anything can happen in the news. Yeah much like this story that I wanted to cover today that is Uh, it's wild and it's really upsetting. This comes from the unilad.co.uk And it's also comes I also saw it covered on the WJLA website. I believe that this is in

Maryland whoa Maryland woman stabbed in backside with semen filled syringe in a supermarket. No You are correct Kissel. No a man has been charged with assault Up to he was reportedly caught on CCTV stabbing a female shopper in the big shade With the syringe filled with semen. That's not the fun way to do it. No, this is absolutely horrible He's a 51 year old dude. You can look at the face of this man You know if I had to say who is going to be injecting somebody with semen via a needle in a supermarket I actually don't know if I would choose this guy. He looks like more he looks like someone who would commit vehicular manslaughter

Before he did wow, you know what? I agree. I could see a vehicular manslaughter I could also see him buying a small town bookshop shutting it down turning it into a parking lot one of those One of those Tom Hanks style you've got male villains true criminal true criminal His name is Thomas Byron steeman, which is funny because that reminds that rhymes with semen It does he was said to be found in possession of multiple syringes filled with the substance because then now from now on They only call it the substance because they can't call it jazz. I'm his like fucking spider bullets They can't call it anything. He's gonna be fun. His baby his baby batter injection system. Oh Officers, I mean honestly Henry, how would you feel? So you find out you were just stabbed. That's bad enough

Oh, it's very bad. I'm down. It was with someone semen. There's something about this story That it's just it's so it is like so intrusive. I never go anywhere ever again by a knife Yeah, I never go ever again. Yeah, never again. So it has CCTV footage that is fucked This woman is getting a cart out of the line of carts. Her name is Katie Peters She got any carts this man comes behind her looks at her butt like it's a double mint commercial like does to the whoa Well, the sunglasses down looks at her, but like perfect target goes up to her does the fucking walk by Jail stab where he's got it. It's got it in his hand and he goes like poke it poke it in her butt cheek She jumps like it's a looney Tunes cartoon turns around and apparently what he said to her

What he said to her is she looked her in the face and he said feels like a bee sting, right? Don't feel like a little bee that's gotta be me on gave you a little bit of a sting on your mom and she obviously freaked Runs back to us did not know it was because she called that she called the cops right then of course the authorities go They grabbed the dude. She said I this man stabbed me with a needle So number one stab me with needle awful day. So she did. Oh my god, such horrible Thursday So much so we were just kind of complaining about how our week was going, but then this woman This takes the cake. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna say she's she's already the hero of the week

That's what I'm gonna say look at that. You know what she did. Hey, I sure why not celebrator? Yes, I'm glad that you did this because you didn't have a hero You're trying to pick it up, but we will still give you your segment. You still need to find a hero I'm the hero. So now they didn't realize it was calm and Told they went to the they went to the car found the syringe They found several more syringes filled with a white liquid. They asked him. What is this white liquid? And he said it's my semen Savin it and he was just like smiling, you know, like what a fun surprise I have for you

Okay, how okay first of all, how do you get it in there? Do you I think then you have to come on something and suck it up with the syringe Which I don't even want to think about this conversation, but we have to because we follow the news here on side stories You build it up. You put it in the fridge, right? I'm gonna go But how does he get it in? How does he even get it into the syringe? Well, they have a syringe top, right? There's a syringe up and they have like sort of a like a sucker. There's a sucker. I don't know a funnel It's true because that's how you have to suck it in. I'm not certain it was like Ah, I don't know. I'm not a doctor and then he obviously saved a bunch of it

Oh in in a Tupperware thing in his home. I imagine in his refrigerator. You would have to yes safe. Well, it has to be Doesn't at some point it just dry up and then how do you just have a bunch of powder in a bunch of syringes? And then you look like a heroin dealer or addict without I remember there was a story We did not that long ago that it was about a giant box that someone found in an apartment building that I believe that was filled with Something like a gallon of calm and it becomes solid, right? It becomes like a weird kind of smear what I imagined he did to be honest Just every single day he wake up like yeah, I'm gonna make the sea Just like the fucking the old donut commercial. Yeah, the Dunkin Donuts guy. Yeah, he goes and he shoots an old

I'm gonna go out and say egg drop noodle container, right? Like what that one of those soups like you do from check Because it's a good size for it's a good deep size sure sure squirts his squirt into it Maybe thinking about I don't know Mount Rushmore or thinking about his favorite bubblegum. Well, he's patriotic Yeah, yes into a big Tupperware container and then he's probably got to stir it up Well, I'm thinking I would assume that he would have to mix it with something in order to make it He might be liquid enough Um, he might but so she could stab with it. Okay, he's freaking out right and he's like feels like a bee sting Don't it which is weird. Yeah. Yeah, I mean that's him being fun. That's him having fun with it

Oh, she drives home and she calls her son She's like cuz she said it it it hurt and then it started more increasingly hurting because he injected a bunch of semen Or a but me oh and she said she called her son and said I started driving home and it started hurting really bad I call my son and said something's not right. I hope nothing happens. I hope I make it home Oh, I love you because she doesn't know what the hell's going on with her She now has to she has to be she made like a 9-11 like one of it's like one of those phone calls that we heard during our episode on 9-11 when they called from the plane. They're like, I love you and it's like in that case They were gonna go crash into a trade center with very traumatic and very tragic in her case

She had a bunch of semen in a lot of semen It's a lot of semen. She had to go for urine and blood tests as well as taking what is called here an anti disease medication Well, why don't we all just take that? I didn't know you could What there's an anti disease medication? I feel like it's something there's got to be don't they have like preventative HIV measures It's something like that you can take or there's some kind of I don't know I don't know I know that I mean, I don't know what anti disease medication means, but I would be on all of them if I was injected I agree with that syringe of someone else's semen and we're all here worried about the corona virus

I'm worried about weaponized calm. I Really and utterly agree with you because it's killed a lot more people. I think you can get calm I think you can get corona virus from calm as well. I'm not certain well You can get a whole series from corona virus You can get a whole series of things from calm and corona virus be very careful out there Um, but do we know does this guy have any? Viruses is he I don't know or is he healthy because I mean immediately you got to be very concerned for HIV You know all of those things. I mean, I wonder if this was like was it a biological attack

But I don't know if you can get AIDS from just straight-up semen. Yes Yeah Of course you can don't they have different receptors like if it goes in your body hole I don't know Easiest way ever to get AIDS of course Email side stories LP OTS. Yeah. Wow. Wow answer my question. I actually don't know I just answered your little monsters in it that eat up foreign

Particles in there, right? You are Don't I don't know I'm also hung over and angry enough to have this conversation I'm glad also the head of the Shion Chiji cult. He says I'm sorry. Yes So, you know if you were feeling bad, he's he did a press release He did a press whether you call it you did press conference press conference today where he wore a mask and said I you know, we did our best to try to contain what happened with our services and now we didn't really we didn't as they say in Pokemon you got to catch them all you and we didn't we didn't catch each one And so he says very sorry very sorry indeed. So steeman the man behind the semen attack

He has been charged with first-degree assault second-degree assault and reckless endangerment according to the R. R. Nendall. It's Anne R. Nendall County police R. Nendall R. Nendall R. Nendall County police They say the investigation is quote extremely active, which So they're just running around Burpees right like they're all running in one direction and then they disappear then they come back to the other direction and some keystone cops They're having a great time. I would assume for the Anne R. Nendall County police department this is priority number one and They're working on it people are staying up late hours getting hammered all of a sudden a

Detective has seen too much and you know, he's looking in the mirror like Nicholas Cage He's got his eyes all blackened out because he hasn't slept in days And I mean it's a stressful time in Arnaudal County right now. I love bad lieutenant. Oh, so good That's good But yes that that movie would take an entirely different tone If it was him just searching for a man with a syringe full of cum, but I Whoo, it's just got a lot to do that's got that just got a lot There's a lot going on that story

Do you think that something like that would help Bloomberg's campaign if he were to do something like that? Do you think just showing how brazen he was and yeah, how Unpredictable he was like if he goes and he starts jabbing various people with syringes full of his own cum Do you think people will view that as sort of a breath of fresh air? I mean, I think that it would people would say wow finally a candidate that can still have the ability to ejaculate You know because they're all so old at this point. I need proof that they can I think Warren can still come I Think if you get a couple of Tylenol pms in her and you put her on one of those like vibrating belts Like they used to do for gay weight. That's just science. Yeah, I think that she could really she could really still go

I mean Bernie's got to take a couple of pills, but you know in the end. That's the thank God for science Well, we can come well deep into our 90s. He may well just die the next time he does and I mean maybe he's saving it for Inauguration night Can you imagine that would be fun? I just want to see that story once where president dies fucking on Inauguration night. Yeah fun. That's when that's ever fun in the goddamn news Oh, he's serious. I agree. I like this story of Florida Hospital worker allegedly caught sucking patients toes again I saw this is another story of a guy wake it up. So this is no, there's in Lee County, Florida This is just reported by news Channel 3 from Memphis. Who knows?

Hopefully this is real a Florida Hospital worker was arrested if there is allegedly caught sucking on a patient's toes France Bel Doran 23 was charged with battery and a person 65 years or older This story is absolutely insane. So this is according to This is according to the article here They say feeling something wet between their toes the patient looked down and saw Bel Doran a sitter at the hospital kneeling beside the bed and Looming over the foot looming over the foot foot. Yeah, wow I'd say that I'd say that's that is with the correct response for that like the phantom of the opera

Just having a whole foot and you mean like do you have any great poop? Oh, that's very classy Sucking on the foot, but it's also that's you know to do it with to an older person Why is that grosser to me? Well the entire thing is just It's not good because you know what it is I can imagine like I'm not a toe sucker and we took the last toe sucker We covered did more he was going for a younger angle, right? And he was breaking in people's homes So part of the thrill of that toe sucker is that he was breaking into people's homes, right?

He's getting super hard from the naughtiness of it and then sucking on it This person worked at the nursing home and then was just kind of like using that as like hell Yeah, I got OT and I can suck as many toes as I want these people came feel the damn feet France because elder in 23 years old. I have to say according just looking at his mugshot He does look he's an he's an old 23. I he's an old he's a season you can tell yes Season 23 years old My question here is a toe fetish a foot fetish Sure, not controversial

Rest Ryan had it every a lot of people have the foot thing going on. I don't know exactly why I think it's because when you're a Baby you play around the feet and some something crosses I don't care You're looking up at your mom's pussy because she's not wearing any panties And you're there and you're looking around there and you dangling between her knees and also you're looking at the feet So you can see why the wires are all getting all cool Well, why wouldn't the mom be wearing any underwear there that doesn't make any sense. It's laundry day All my panties were blown out from from Lollipalooza

Whoa Cool mom. Yeah, cool mom, but I don't know why Yeah, I don't know why it doesn't seem like the it's not that forbidden It's not like you scooping up their bedpan leaveings and turning it in some form of crude jail soup He is just sucking toes I'm certain that you can find a consenting person that's wants your toe suck But maybe he feels like maybe if they're paralyzed from the ways down It's like you don't even need these toes. I won't say what do you do? Okay, so you're 65 years old

You're you know in and out. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm 65 years strong 65 year actually really not that old by by standards of modern science and technology and health You wake up and you see this dude sucking on your toes. I Guess you first of all, how does he have any teeth because I would assume you just immediately kick, right? I Don't know. I mean honestly at this point. I mean 65. These are not 65 This is an 80. This was a Maybe the 85 year old person was a 65. Was it 65? Well, he was charged with battery on a person 65 years or older So evidently after 65 you get like free coffee McDonald's and also if someone assaults you it's like a bigger crime

It's extra. It's extra crimes. Yeah, well cuz you're 65 years old. Yeah, I'd kick them in the mouth But if I'm 85 and you're sucking on my toes, it's just like well, you know, why don't you move up? You know, I mean, why don't you just finish the whole damn job? Yeah, you suck the toes for you. But anyway, you suck the man toe, Henry I feel like if it was the man it was first of all, it's not your wife This or no or even the gender that you were sexually attracted to I just don't know if you would Proposition a man to say. Oh, yes. Wow. You've done so well at sucking my toes. Why don't you try my dick? It doesn't really work though. I don't think you're gonna react that way

You don't think you might not get gayer as you get older Like I don't even know if I'm straight now I'm saying that's what I'm saying. I feel like I was 85 It'd be way more like because it's the men and the women all look exactly the same at 85 That's no one is like there's not like there's like one bang an 85 year old every once in a while And she was purchased by the government for breeding purposes long ago the everybody else you are Purchased stolen, but everybody else looks exactly the same. So at this point get your dick sucks get your six You dick sucks you're fucking 85 years old. Who knows if you can even get it hard. Maybe if you did then get hard

It's like a miracle you get all your you start you never see that you remember the Twilight Zone Movie, but not the segment where all the kids were murdered the one where they're kicking all the cans They make the wish and they they become young again by playing. Oh, yes I do remember that one, but if you can give an 85 year old a genuine unmedicated boner Oh, it would make them a boy again And just for a moment then I think you're a felon in a whole another way. I guess so Did you see this story in the Detroit Metro Times Henry? This is in the Marin marijuana news section Which is it's a true section in the Detroit Metro Times a samurai sword wielding girlfriend attacks

Yip salty man. It's Y. P. S. I. L. A. N. T. I Whips it's Ypsilani. Yps. That's how you spell Ypsilani. Yeah, that's Ypsilani. Yeah, dang Well, anyway, she attacked a dude with the samurai sword for not buying pot from her. Yeah That's what I lie miss an aggressive drug dealer now. They're just trying to get you all the other products now It's the I don't want to say the weeds not getting stronger though They just have more varied to varied types of the same level of weed dude All I know is I'm hanging out at my sports bar, you know, I'll go there over now and again when I want to have my drinks and watch sports what

And a guy walks in he's a regular but I don't really talk to him too much because he's like, you know He's kind of a weird guy, but anyway, he's like I wonder what he says about you Soaking wet sitting in your velour suit just gonna be like I don't even need Charles I got I'm wearing again. Yeah, like like what does he say about you doesn't talk very much But he's like I got a bunch of weed edibles and I was like I'll take some weed edibles man And then so I got some from him and I gotta say dude Man, they can make them strong. They can make them strong. I didn't realize one. It's about applying them

Yeah, one cube at a hundred milligrams. I just got a lot. I know That's a lot guess. Oh, you got to be careful with that. You'll end up having a fucking seizure. I know I did but I died It's nice to see what your levels are at It's nice to see where where it's the edge and ever once in a while You have to go past your edge to see if you can handle it and see what goes on inside of your brain I would make it so they're the NFL combine. That's how I look at it It's sometimes it's like our way are the fan of the show and and friend a Natty a white the way she slowly Gapes her butthole with her gay her butthole like gapers that she has. Yep. I do that, but for weed in my brain

Check out Nadia white an amazing Performer some of the stuff that she does My god, it's interesting. It should be an Olympic sport some of the stuff that she does Nadia white has a great McRib Sex tape out there where I believe the man is dressed like Ronald Ronald McDonald I believe you can really smell the McRib. Yeah, and then she as you're watching it Yeah, she jerks him off with a McRib there. Don't spoil it We already got in trouble last week for spoiling some stuff. By the way Thanks to everyone who went out and supported the movie the Lodge

My favorite thing was all the pictures of people in empty cinemas Be like hey here because the boys recommended it and that is if you want to like live the life of Henry and Ben It's full of empty cinemas. We're just I have seen so many movies in empty empty places I remember we went to go see dr. Sleep and it was empty in there. So Nat and I were just like Just like yelling every time we went back to the overlook. We're like it's the overlook We turned it into rocky horror picture showed but just us it's much more fun You get to live like Shaq when in your own private theater, which is that's real wealth when you get your own theater So this Ypsilani man, he told police that he was attacked by a woman with a samurai sword

His name is Neil Patrick Was in ski so close so close to being so close to being a movie star so close Neil Patrick was in ski He identified the woman. She was then charged with several counts including assault with intent to murder Two days after the police say she stabbed her boyfriend with a 21 inch sword in her apartment So I think she has mental health issues here According to the 23 year old victim He punched her she punched his rib cage Stabbed him with the sword and chased him through a parking lot

Police found the victim holding a bloody towel to several stab wounds He told officers that was in ski was angry because he didn't buy pot for her So, I mean, oh someone by pot. Oh, yeah, it was because again in In relationships the fight's never about what the fight's about. No, right? This is not obviously not about this is obviously escalated From what was a conversation about consideration and about thinking about your partner and what would your partner want? And yes, maybe there this is boiled down to a point Maybe it is a bit inappropriate to stab the man

I think it's a little inappropriate It is it's just I could see the impetus for the argument of you never think of me You're always fucking wrapped up in your own little world And now what I'm gonna show you is that when you don't consider your girlfriend What's gonna happen is it's I'm gonna make you a boyfriend shish kebab, but didn't they don't they have legal pot in Michigan? Yes, so she just he didn't that's what I'm saying. It's not about the weed. It's about Oh, you think about me. It's it's complicated. Well, the complicated You know what women what do women want? Let's ask Mel Gibson cuz he knows well

I'll tell you one thing. There was a time where every woman was doing the praying mantis when watching Braveheart Anything with Mel Gibson in it. He was a heartthrob. I know that people are trying to do revisionist history But you not tell me that he did not get every one of our mom before 50 shades of gray There was just Mel Gibson Mel Gibson my mom still talks about how attractive he is She still says but now, you know, it's he is because he has lost some of his charm a little bit I think it's the alcoholism in the anti-semitism, but now the victim here is in critical condition at the st. Joseph Hospital They got a collapsed lung But he has since recovered so everything is okay

Police spotted was in skiing her apartment where she refused to open the door and told officers quote, please go away After the police entered the apartment with the master key because turns out when you ask police to please go away They don't go away. They don't go away. It's not like dropped in Fred No, it's not and so was in ski then struggled with the officers and she spit on one of the cops Not a good move inside the apartment was an unsheathed bloodstained Katana according to police was in ski eventually told police she couldn't remember the attack because she was hammered so She was upset she was she was drunk and then she's like I want weed

Get me weed and then he came back and you know what he didn't have weed weed then you get stabbed with a katana blade I am not victim blaming But if you get sent out on a weed mission and you come back without weed This is what I'm saying. The fight is not about the weed It's about he never when he goes on a trip. He doesn't get her a little pin or something to say like oh Hello for my Ireland, you know, I mean doesn't get her something like that He doesn't get her one of those like I went to the Bahamas and all I got my girlfriend was this lousy t-shirt type of things Which is yes, it's not about the actual physical gift. It is about the thought

It's about you for a moment you stopped and you thought about me and you know what happens that stuff builds the resentment builds And then you buy her a sword accidentally or you have a collection of swords in your home that she is maligned Because I'm certain that some form of What's his name? It's some kind of Lord of the Rings commemorative sword. Oh like an Aragon or something I'll see a air of course and when Eric on glare of course when he brought him, you know His famous sword and he brought that home instead of maybe bringing home groceries like he was supposed to do one Yeah, maybe the sword even became a symbol of said in consideration. We're building a lot into the story

I completely understand what you're saying though and I agree with you. Also. I'm team orc I always have been always will be yeah, because that is your body type well You know, they're maligned and the orcs get a bad reputation all they do is win at battle They obviously have wonderful relationships with one another with one another there's female and male orcs They're still around which means they're having sex with each other. The children are having great schools They're made out of big horrible eggs. No, they are technically yes. They are they're made out of eggs Yes, they come from like an orc factory like an omelet. I I will kill us both one day. I will crash a plane that we are inside of but I will

No orcs are they are I want to say they're an unfortunate race because they've been built to be evil But when they're on the inside, maybe every once while one like you somehow stumbles towards Somehow stumbled towards nirvana right with an idea towards enlightenment and then wakes up Where are we bad all the time? Well, I don't even necessarily know, but were they bad? Were they bad? That's the question. They were bad. Yes. They are technically they are a but it's fun to play them more Positive if you can in the D&D campaign. Well, one person's terrorist is another person's freedom fighter That's very interesting conversation that I feel like both of us might be too dumb to have

Well, certainly today I am All right, so anyway get your wife weed if you're out there right now. You're in a relationship You're in a state where weed is legal. It's a lot easier to do if it's illegal hop in someone's SUV Drive her on the block get the eighth of Shwag whatever they're selling just give your partners some weed today So you don't get stabbed with a katana sword just little gifts little gifts mean a lot or maybe both of you need to look at and learn Your love languages Like mine is spaghetti

I Love language is spaghetti who means if you can just bring me plates of spaghetti, right? I can love you. Yeah, I don't think that anyone was confused by what you meant by spaghetti I think everyone understood that it's just you bathing in a tub full of spaghetti and they wrote this is my love language It's like no you're disgusting get me in there Why did you and Jackie start saying the words love language? There must have been something that happened because last time I was in LA Jackie was just like I love Jeff her wonderful boyfriend Great guy, but she's like I love his love. He he and I have the same love language

I vomited in my mouth and then I was like what the fuck are you talking about see I learned it from Pastor John who one time we were behind tennis courts and where we lived in the apartment complex of Florida and He said Henry have you heard about this thing? It's called a love language I was just like where you talking about French and it's like, haha. No you innocent little boy No, no, no, I'm talking about how I can make my butthole frown Well, I should like to look at that. Well, that is wow. He could really make it frown. Oh Good, I was like why is it so sad and he's like cuz I can't make it smile alone and then I was like I gotta go to school Right X but no, thanks. So you left him you left him with a frowny face. That's not good at all

Um just an update on the seaman story Nothing has happened at this point. Nothing has happened. I was just searching again It's all it's all good. I want to talk about this other story. All right, so this comes from action new Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Man who stole ambulance led pull it Philadelphia police on chase screaming. I want my wife. What this comes from Philly emergency dispatch audio captured the voice of the man who stole an ambulance in Northeast Philadelphia and led police on a chase that lasted more than an hour. Okay, that's a pretty good as far as chases go More than an hour is that's a pretty solid chase

It was a wild night in Northeast Philadelphia where police say a man stole an ambulance and then led police on a chase that lasted an hour and a half tonight for the first time we're hearing what the suspect had to say to police as He was leading them on that chaotic pursuit action news reporter and McCormick is live in Northeast Philadelphia with full details, Annie And Walter that chaos is now over but take a look tire marks still remain along with debris in this section of Northeast Philadelphia After of course that suspect did steal an ambulance taking police on a zig-zagging ride across Northeast Philadelphia during that pursuit that lasted nearly 90 minutes We are now hearing the voice of the suspect responsible for Friday night's wild chase through the Northeast in a stolen ambulance Through the radio inside the stolen vehicle

He is proclaiming to be Jesus Christ and demanding to see his wife and warning police to stay back It began just before 9 30 at the road so I mean this guy was going crazy. He literally was just driving around Philly in a ambulance So so basically he was pulled over. He was wearing no clothes other than red shorts and damn man So he was a he was on some crystal methamphetamines or something, right? I think that he is to be honest He might just be fooled. I might straight up. Just say alcohol. Yeah, you know

alcohol is so motivating But he looks like me in a way like we kind of have the same body and when if I fully go bald Or if I start shaving it he kind of looks like me. I could see myself in this future because This is kind of close to one of my contingencies one of my contingency plans to stop the workings of society Well, I mean, I feel like you're gonna have to do more than just steal one ambulance and demand to see your wife to stop The inner workings of society. No, you pay that I have a there's an inner work that you have to get help You have to conscript you have to deputize a group of people Uh-huh start a sort of like a what we call instead five a landsrack

Which is sort of like it's like a pay-for army you pay for an army to come go with you And yes, they're only as valuable as your dollar, but the dollar can buy a bit of loyalty Can it not it's my Bloomberg it definitely kid. Well, I don't know if it's working out for Bloomberg very well, but um Do you buy stuff in Civ 5? Do you do you know it is purchases? No, no, no, no, no, it's not like it's not like candy crush Okay, there's gold you accumulate gold as a country as a civilization in the game And then you can use it sometimes to purchase units or land tiles and then you also use it to pay for all the various things in your

Civilization it's a civilization. You're running a civilization kiss. Oh, there's course money involved in this No, naturally you're running a civilization The only way that you should in your underwear on your couch staring at your dog as they would Prefer if you gave them food the ultimate in elitism No, it's a bit of leadership as a man who could just sit all covered in crumbs. Oh, just telling armies what to do By the way six actually I've started to like even more. I've been playing that more often I like creating multiple divisions and zones inside of a city Someone did point out that my entire I'm gonna say air quotes theory on the Chinese government creating coronavirus in order to increase

their Unbelievably intrusive Programs it is also the plot of days gone Playing yeah, you are just saying the plot of the video game that you are playing this is big thing But far too clear where your political philosophy comes from is everything else just from the back of a pizza box You know what man? It depends on the company and if the pizza box has great knowledge and insight into who started the coronavirus Then yes, absolutely now. They're saying it's coming from the meat trade They're saying coming from the meat trade people literally eating possibly eating bat, which is fun

I try it sure be sick I'd be one of the sick people, but we have a big contingent of Liz's sir But we have a big contingency of listeners in South Korea that are suffering right now So we want to say give shout out to the several people who've sent me pictures of themselves with sick mass in South Korea Saying that they listen to last podcast and left. Oh, hey to you. Thank you. So I'll just yeah, be careful out there Shoot first ask questions later. What I don't know what I'm saying today What do you mean like just start killing discriminative people and then what you hope is that you'll I don't know how that'll help the virus I don't know. Maybe it'll spread it because of the blood. I think it's an airborne

Virus, I don't know how to spread it, but I think it only goes into the lungs Again, I'm not a fucking doctor, man. I don't know. No, I know that you're supposed to wash your hands I've been washing my hands like a fucking crazy person. My hands are bleeding right now Yeah, but then if you wash your hands so much then your body just doesn't become immune to anything and then you just get sick Anyway, that's why all these kids are getting sick because they're bathed in in all of these In all of the hand sanitizers that way too young you got to be dirty so that you can stay healthy You're becoming a less attractive Jenny McCarthy. Oh Right well, I think it's time for hero of the week. Are we are we there yet?

Hey, are we there yet? You remember that show? I do remember that show. Can we start a movie? What was it wasn't movie? It started as a movie. Yeah with ice cube. Yes. Oh All right, it's time for a hero of the week Yeah, what is the hero of the week Kissel what did you choose and you guessed it Ben Kissel is hero of the week You have decided to do this is Unbelievable I can't thank you so much for being me and I just want to thank everyone Yes, my week was hard. Yes, it could have been better. Sure. I every day I wake up just before the Sun goes down and I say today is the day and

So yes, I'm the hero of the week. Wow Inspirational thing because it took you so it took so much for you to get where you're at Sopping wet with a dog that is afraid of you because It's so close to your body you rub yourself on it, you know, it's just women that you in trance every day Oh, yes words your words of romance just non-stop non-stop every day They each one can't help but fall in love with a Ben Kissel over and over But but follow a Ben Kissel from place to place to place Wow see you your skeptical of hero of the week But listen to you now. Just saying all these accurate things. I

We you could not Can I just ask you could not find one? I Did find one I found a very large one a 315 pound one who is currently wearing a velour suit who you are speaking with right now who you are listening to as I Pronounce announce that I am the hero of the week and you know, it's not easy being a hero I want to say I've always been ready for this But you never know when it's actually gonna happen. This is your segment So you're allowed to do this technically by the rules you're allowed to do this

I have no idea who creates hero of the week Hand-cuffed woman headlock trucker honked horn to get away sicko kept ledger of names of women and children a woman escaped That's a hero. She escaped from a very ugly man named Roy who's trying to forcibly have sex with her What's a hero? Yes, that is a hero. Of course, that is it Yes, Henry if we're gonna go point out every single other person who's a hero Then we could be your whole show. This is hero of the week I'm not saying that I own the mantle or the title forever. I'm just saying for this week So tweet me Instagram me. Just say how much you love me. Just go out there and just say don't ask for this love

You cannot ask for love Well, the nice thing is I don't feel it anyway. Well, it doesn't look at this story. How about this story? Um, at least 100,000 ducks are expected to be sent to Pakistan as early as the second half of this year to combat a desert Locust outbreak these ducks are considered to be biological weapons and could be more effective than pesticide So then there you can't have a hero be a weapon That's I mean sometimes a hero has is a weapon one duck is able to eat more than 200 locusts a day And you can't even eat one you fucking pussy God damn it the ducks are here of the week. There you go Henry the hundred

Thank You ducks for taking down the flight that Sully Sullenberg was piloting for being just he was drunk He was not drunk the Canadian geese Sent over from the Canadian government took down the plane tried to kill Americans, but it is not another very intense Conspiracy theory that I actually really like I like the idea of them Slip the kid at the Canadian sending their geese slowly but surely do embarrass us and ruin our completed flight percentages Well, we definitely gassed all of them because they you can't you take down one plane You get it everyone has to die all the alright

I got some listener letters that I want to read and these are great I got one that I honestly this is more of a fun one for me that I wanted to read and I and I hope you like it I think it's I think it's good. So when you preface anything with for me It tends to mean that uh, well, we'll we'll hear no this is this guy. He just made me feel good. This comes from a a Women that played the lead girl in a movie called ginger snaps. Oh, I love that movie I love this fucking movie. She sent him. She sent a message. I guess she had listened to the show Which is very very nice Catherine Isabelle, which is I think it's absolutely wonderful. I fucking love that movie

That's great movie. She sent an email about her time filming ginger snaps In my film my character. Oh, so basically just so you know yada yada yada it is about a Girls on the verge of womanhood Becoming werewolf. So it's it's kind of a transformative talent that was fun. Yes, so Throughout the movie. She has levels of werewolf makeup on including and I don't want to spoil this But it's a werewolf movie then she has full-on werewolf makeup on right So throughout the movie I had several stages of transformation before reaching final form Which is actually a jockey in a wolf suit

So she wasn't her it was a somebody in a wolf suit But the last and most intense phase that I actually did was a five-hour full-body prosthetics process at which at the end of I have a wolf face ice blue contact lenses Sharp fangs filthy claws the silver white wig a chest prosthesis with six nipples like a dog and a tail Whoo on top of that. I'm wearing what any horny teen werewolf wears to a party right before she goes full monster a crushed green Velvet crop top and mini skirt with knee-high leather boots and a choker. I'm loving it I have a feeling that this was directed by a man. It's directed by a man. Yes by John Fawcett. And so So this is the story

So one day after about five hours inhaling alcohol based prosthetics paint and glue high as fuck I'm already a hundred percent wolfie and ready to travel to set So I came charging down the makeup trailer because they said hey, we're ready to go And it's like one of those like old it's a old-school indie horror movie production So things can sometimes be a little chaotic in terms of communication Mm-hmm. So here over the walkie-talkie that set is screaming for me. And so we were losing this That set was screaming for me because we were losing the light and so I immediately terror induced I have to get into a transport van from the trailers to the set immediately or of course we will all die

It is you know total pressure such as filmmaking so in all of this teenaged wolf out tarted up bloodied in Fang glory I book it around the front of the trailer looking for transport and right there is this mini white minivan idling All the transport vans on the show were white minivans and we were losing the light So I be lying to the minivan I just pop in and I jump I open up the doors and start yelling go go go go go It was not a transport van. It was a petite innocent sweet-looking Hockey-mon and sweet-looking hockey mom and three small children all under the age of five buckled into car seats and

Just start screaming they all start screaming No knows what reality this is. It's supernatural carjacking is what she says I throw the door open I fly out the hockey mom squeals the tires burn rubber and takes the fuck off I was just so so funny. That's so funny. So like any traumatized 17-year-old actress I lit a smoke careful not to light my chemically smoked cell phone fire and waited for the next white van to pull up Dude, I did something very similar not dressed as a werewolf although. It's hard to argue otherwise I I did that yesterday. I just opened up a random van door. There's a baby There's a kid in a child seat. I'm like for Ben

Are you for Ben and then they're like no and I was like, oh my god. I'm so sorry. I just invaded your Car and and traumatized your child. Well, I just I mean you would be so scary. Yeah, I was I was scared this baby out of here You know when you were like when you realize how people see you based on their Expression when you open a door and shout and shout for Ben. Yes that baby Man, it was just I think I'm gonna stick in that baby's mind is the boogeyman forever It's just a big red-headed looking to be a tall Irishman. It's just it's gonna be traumatizing for him And I'm sorry for that. Mommy. I still have memories of the wet man when the wet man gave

This you can't even look at her father out of the shower good That's a great thing alright this comes from a guy I Sorry I'd like to share with you this happened five years ago I'm a doctor of science lecturing at Middlesex University London after a long day of lectures and meetings. I returned home I was great. I was greeted by my wife and all as I settled into the nightly routine I went to the kitchen to start preparing dinner among the grapes oranges and bananas

I noticed a lone green apple in our fruit bowl I had done the groceries this week and I had not bought any apples This didn't disturb me too much my wife must have bought it But as I continued to cook my eye kept drifting to it I felt compelled to leave the kitchen. I asked my wife if she had bought the mystery fruit She said she didn't recall I Requested that she either throw it she either ate it or throw it away as I was feeling repelled by it She gave me a weird look and replied she would eat it what she did

I returned to the kitchen afterwards shaking my head at myself for being so silly the night continued uneventfully I woke in the night feeling parched. I went downstairs to the kitchen and then I turned the light on I swear and Then when I turn the light on I saw it there. It's envious green color mocking me the apple was back in the fruit bowl I was frozen in fear dripping with cold sweat And I suddenly realized that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an apple at night gives the doctor a fright The point is lost on me, but I love it I'd say he saw he didn't realize it was some weird Time bullshit where he thought he didn't know where this fucking apple came from and then his wife ate it

Then he came back and there was just another apple sitting there. Maybe she just bought another apple. I like the rhyme I do like that's why I did it. I love why I did it I honestly love it side stories LP o TL at gmail.com send us any rhyme that you can come up with no Don't just send a story send us good stories. Yeah stories that one made it through because of the rhyme But I like that I like that little letter. All right, so here's this one this comes from this comes from So here's my story many years ago in college I was experimenting with hallucinogenic substances a bunch of us took Hawaiian baby wood rose seeds and when I'm a trip together Whoa, okay after several hours of painting colorful images and latex paint on each other's naked bodies

It's art school And clogging my door my dorm shower with the remnants of our trippy art project I went to bed at around 2 a.m. I experienced what I perceived was a visitation from an alien vessel I heard sounds and saw a light moving in a circle just outside my window pause for a reality check and my non-tripping Consciousness I later rationalized this as some sort of street sweeper going by the dorm window Sure, I also have had very intense fellow visualizations on hallucinogens that felt entirely real, so I kind of get this the middle state Yeah, of course, that's the whole point. Yes, however in my altered state I was meeting some gray aliens and I told them out loud according to my roommate

Thank you for choosing me, but as I am currently under the influence of hallucinogens. I am not an ideal candidate for this abduction I am not an accurate sample for the human race Perhaps another time. Well, I thought that I really so that's what the people from fire in the sky should have just said before they got Abducted an anally probed. Let's give it a pause. Okay, think about this So flash forward earlier this year when I had a dream that six grays surrounded me in my bed and sucked my life force energy from me Uh-oh the theft of this energy was accompanied by a surge of sexual pleasure I'm totally mind-based by the way and that not a physical release like not a wet dream Then I passed out in the dream and woke up to find them leaning over me talking to me physically

Which they they didn't have mouths to talk out of but I heard them in my head They said they were sorry for taking my energy without talking to me first, but I had told them to come back They wanted to take more of my energy and promise it would not hurt but be pleasurable as it just was Oh, I said sure go for it the same thing the rush of sexual pleasure and then passing out happened And I woke up to them again, and they thanked me and left then I woke from the dream It might be important to clarify that I was not on any substances at the time of the dream and after my college Experimentation I haven't done any other hallucinogens since hmm. I love me some weed, but nothing else So here's a quick here's my question

Was it a dream a coincidence connection that either abduction experience? I had while tripping or did I have a visit from some horny? I guess aliens hmm well is that so the question is the toss-up question I'm gonna say you had a visit from some horny aliens my friend And what a great story it is in no way was it a dream in no way Did you come up with this in your own brain because you decided to do no Jack October or whatever those douchebags do? You definitely were visited by aliens your monster I think that it's quite possible

That because what have we said again and again especially near UFO episodes what I truly do believe that the the reality of these Situations is somewhere in the middle somewhere between a natural physical thing that happens to you somewhere between you are imagining it But can something be real and can you imagine it real? Haha? I don't know I tell you what I imagine get myself a cold brew and then I walk down to the store and whoo I got myself one so who knows well. That's capitalism. Oh, I've got another story This is so this is one last one. Okay, and this is just a reminder to people And when someone tells you to don't do something because they say it's fucking haunted or it's curse or something Maybe just out of your own like I feel free to go do it. Sure, but know that there's some consequences. Yes, I

Play in a touring band and we've spent the majority of the last three years on the road That's Rolling Stones, let's start me up. Oh that was so this comes repeat in January of 2019 We were on a two-week long tour We've never had any problems on the road up until this point. We had on this honestly been unrealistically lucky never ran into Band problems always played solid gigs and got paid. Whoo. Nice. Hell yeah, man on the road Near the end of this tour We were staying at a mutual friend's house in New Jersey for heading to Brooklyn to play a show But the whole day off next day and we were itching for something to do

So we asked the guy who we were staying with if there's anything exciting around his small town to get into he said This time is kind of known for this urban legend, but I really don't recommend sending people over there Oh, it's just bad luck. Oh, then you have to go. Oh my god This man said the sentence that he has to say in order to get the audience in order to get the band over there Of course, you went on and explained that on the outskirts of the town resides what is known as the devil's tree He told us that every time he set a band to go check it out They usually end up getting robbed breaking down or even getting a bad accidents on the road And this is where I'm thinking that dude is just hiding and waiting and is robbing. I mean like I told you

Yeah, we totally thought that he was bullshit. So we decided to go the next day anyway Oh, no, we drove 15 month We drove 15 minutes on the small stretch of road into the woods where we came upon a clearing that you could obviously See driving around the bend and the middle of this clearing is the so-called devil's tree. It was completely underwhelming So obviously we started making jokes about peeing on it dumb shit. Wow pulling a straight-up Aussie at the Alamo We went and played the show in Brooklyn. I completely forgot about the experience Two dates later on our way to Chicago We had to pull over and stay at a hotel an hour south of Indianapolis the next morning

We woke up to see that we had been robbed What thousands of dollars of gear stolen and they had tried to hot wire the van and steal it But we're unsuccessful, but they somehow managed to fuck up the power steering rendering it almost impossible to use Well, honestly, I'm just gonna say this we've driven through Indiana loves we have fun We love the people very nice people Although I think we did make fun of them to start our last live show for the first five minutes, but good people Never stop in Indiana though. Never stop if you can't no never stop They're big claim to fame is the Michael Jackson house that he was abused in by his father when you trained in by his manager

Then this is only the beginning of a string of bad luck. We got home from a tour wheel went to our daily lives within the span Of a month I was mugged fired for my job dumped and was rear-ended in a pretty nasty car accident Never in my life and I ever dealt with subs with such sequential bad luck So it made me start thinking about our road trip to the tree I did some googling and it turns out that encounters with the tree are notorious for visitors dealing with unfortunate circumstances in their lives Hmm, apparently a man killed himself and his entire family at the tree and it is dubbed as a gateway to hell Which I've seen you know, we've heard about these all over the country. Yeah, so these weird fucking spots But now his shit's gotten back together over the past year since the things have gone back to normal

Ultimately, I'd forgotten about the incident altogether But on the one-year anniversary of us getting robbed our practice space was broken into and the band that was playing was robbed at gunpoint With thousands of dollars of gear being stolen again. What in the stop robbing all these bands. They haven't hard enough They got a haul all their gear around. I mean, I just know they won't fight Yeah, I mean, I don't know why I feel like certain bands will fight but some bands it depends on the band I think if the band's got a flute in it It's actually more likely to fight because they have to be more aggressive to fucking where like if you go into mayhem's backroom Yes, maybe mayhem will like throw some go-blood on you or some kind of shit

But I think on the most part. They're probably pretty chill. They're super chill Yeah, metal people or tend to be like some of the most chill people I've ever met in my life. Yes, awesome Well, I either way be safe out there. Don't go to this devil's tree. It doesn't sound very good Be careful and if you're in a band, maybe lock everything put put little I would have a chain on my guitar And then put a cinder block on that and then it can't go anywhere I mean, it will mess with your performance and you won't be able to look look super cool or anything But you're gonna have that guitar the next day and that's that's so important I honestly wonder what you do because I would be so I truly would be so curious to see the devil's tree

Even though I know it's gonna bring me bad luck, but I feel like you could almost Send a decoy in there or distraction like you send one of the like the less I'm gonna say talented member of your band. Okay to go in there first See what happens to that person first? Then you can go see it. Well, I just wonder if that person then just brings it all back And if they're in the band does the entire band get possessed or is it just that person? But yeah, I agree with you put your center weakest link in there. See how they do like, you know like cuz I'm fine with Do you ever mighty mighty boss tones? I love the mighty mighty boss tones. They're strong. They're in charge. Yeah, they do that song

do it sing it and I'm mighty proud of that ragged old flag. That's my favorite song. It's from Johnny Cash I know I'm talking about the dancing guy from mighty mighty boss. Yeah, he could be and I don't want to malign him in case Listen to the show. We love your dancing sure, but if you're gonna choose one person To be cursed in the band. That's who you choose. I Mean, hey, it's a theory and I think that you're on to something and I am mighty proud of that ragged old flag Thank you all so much

Your email side stories. I mean we got through an episode. Wow. We did a whole episode today We are super excited to see everyone in April. We have our book tour coming out Thanks to everyone who already purchased the book Yeah, we're super jazzed about that and then also side stories Let us know where you want us to be because we're gonna be in the road We're leaning towards getting a lot of messages about Louisville Yeah, a lot of messages about the Pacific Northwest What are the odds that we get John Snatner to show up at our show in Louis?

It will be a trap if he shows up. It's gonna be a trap So we better not see him because honestly, oh really only wants his attention. He will just take selfies and leave That's true. That's true We might have to get some Papa John's them for the green room though And that might have to go on stage and I might just have to eat a full Papa John's pizza If you can eat a full Papa John's pizza during the show that would be awesome That's what showmanship if I if I if I purge before I'll talk to you always do

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not yeah, so live every day Like you are a fresh young boy bass player in a band. You're on your way to this devil's tree But it's full of shit, right? Whoa gives a shit. You know, I mean like it's whatever. It's just a funny little tree You know, it's funny little thing laugh when you're at the devil's tree You and your buddies making laugh about fucking you pissing pissing on it joking about like how it's the Charlie Brown tree You're gonna put a couple ornaments on it or some shit. I'll laugh it up really yuck it up. You know, I mean and then love Love your friends because when everything collapses, the only thing that you have that's completely true triple L Everybody never forget and remember we're coming to your city with last podcast on the left

Fucking come to see us fucking asses on we are so excited to hit the road Wait, you see our tour van that we're going to be in man this show. We've been like a sculptor With I like an ice sculptor. We've been we've been forming this show It is really gonna be powerful and you know what I'm doing this entire tour nothing but velour I'm never not gonna be comfortable again. I've decided that's my that's my life choice. Yes. I look horrible No, you don't I'm wearing a little incredibly you look incredibly uncomfortable You look incredibly comfortable. You should you I mean you can get some jeans in there every once in a while, but I love the top

How do you look good? I I think that's very nice and I you know what I accept that Thank you all so much for listening. Hail yourselves. Hey, let's take it Magusta lesions Help me if you would get out there go to that devil's tray This show is made possible by listeners like you thanks to our ad sponsors You can support our shows by supporting them for more shows like the one you just listened to go to last podcast network.com