Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Santa Stories

Episode Date: December 27, 2023

Henry & Ed sit down for a very special Post-Christmas Side Stories and relive some of their darkest Santa Con memories!

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I'm ready to get out now and eat some babies. Get out of the way, Hillary Clinton. There's no place to escape to. This is the last talk. Yes! On the left. Side stories? Yeah, I just love your blades. No place to escape to. This is the last talk. Yes. On the left. Side stories? Yeah. I love your blizz.

That's when the cannonball some started. Side stories. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, buddy. We really put a stress test down yesterday. You and me. Mm-hmm. we went down, didn't I phone?

Yes, oh my God. But I gotta say it's been too long since we did something like that. And I wanna say that our server at didn't I phone, turn out would be a listener, and we didn't disappoint them. No, absolutely, no, we went hard. We went hard at like 1 p.m. It was such a big meal. I didn't tell my wife about it.

I mean, either. I didn't want her to know. We went, we went to do a little Christmas shopping. Yeah, we did. Like good boys. Yeah, like really good boys. Fed capitalism. For welcome to site stories.

Hello. I'm Anderson Browse, G. This is Ed Larson. Hi. But we went to the fucking mall. The Americana. That's what we did, man I fucking you give money to the devil during Christmas. You have to that devil is Rick Caruso Yeah, and we go to if you guys even know anything about the Americana first of all, it's one of the How do I put it? It's a safe haven for all of my depression. Yeah, I've been there many years

So I used to stay when I used to come for pilot seasons. I would go, which was the, well that's called normally humiliation season and runs from late December to about mid-March. You just come into town and they tell you how fat you are for three months and then you have to go back to New York. But then they tell you stay fat because if not, you're losing roles.

Yeah, literally. That's right. Both in your life and on your body. Yeah, you're like too fat to be a cop but too losing rules. Yeah. Literally. That's right. Both in your life and on your body. Yeah. You're like too fat to be a cop, but too skinny to be a mall cop. You have to, but you have to choose. Well, come to LA. Choose what kind of fat you are dependent on whether or not it's gas to pull. But I used to go. I used to stay in the Glendale area. Yeah. And I used to walk the Americana for hours. See, when I used to come in to do the burn, naturally shoot a television show.

Oh, that must have been nice. I would say I would walk the grove to feast my depression. I used to just walk around and you got the same thing. It is. And then there's just something about that Michael Buble pumping in. You see the really very strange. I'm not sure what what they're never like straight

up American. It's like some crazy group of people that have purchased the apartments above the Americana. Oh, it's strong face. It is the people who live. But I mean, so this is a giant outdoor quote unquote luxury mall now. Yeah, where you go, you got a big fountain. It's got a place where people piss outside, you know, like this a big fountain. It's got a place where people piss outside, you know, like this fake ash or turf. It's got a couple of restaurants and something like that. But above it, lining in a circle, looking down upon the mall, are these high end, high high end departments that are, they look like head on earth. Yeah. No, but it's if Michael Boobley ran a super max prison. But if you like spinning on people, that's

where you got to be. Yeah. That's prime real estate. So we went, we fed the machine. We fed the capillaries machine. Oh, yeah. Walked around. We walked around.

Trumps didn't spend a dime in Nordstrom. No, we walked around. I was looking at polos the other day, like she needs shiny polos. Oh, you can't do the, I can't let you go here. I'm becoming this man. I got a new nighttime glasses because I wear nighttime glasses because I can't see it at night. And they're kind of big and thick and I start wearing the polos and stuff. I look like I own properties in Glendale. Yeah. The polos are where you

really got to draw the line because that's like that's either like rich come back. It'll pinky ring. Yeah, that coming next. Pinky rings fine. You you're a pinky ring guy. I'm okay with the pinky ring, but the polo shirts. That's when you know someone's fucking a beast of shit or got no personality. I know. I know. I know. I'm, you got to be careful. If you're wearing a polo shirt right now, listen and let's just tear it. Hey, man. tear it open from the neck. Could do your sense. Christmas. You're getting a new shirt. I promise you. Somebody else is going to replace it with another new wicking fabric. And if you're fucking wife gets you a polo shirt for Christmas, I want you to just look, open it up and just spin on it. Oh, this is after Christmas. This is after

Christmas. This is going to your, it isn't the first Christmas glow. When you keep your polos, I want you to open up your own dresser drawer and in front of your wife, take your dick out and start pissing in the drawer. I mean, like, you did this. I would never do that to anything. My wife did this. I'm pushing to get back. I'm pushing against that. I know my wife did not get many polos because she knows better because again, she doesn't want you to look like a bear at a work conference. Yeah, no, because that's what you'd look like. I look horrible in one of them, but also at the same time gives you sense of power.

You know, it's fuckers. It covers your tits. Fuck golf. No golf. We're not, you know, not least that I'm not a lot of golf because she said that's the only thing that would truly make me unfockable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's golf. No golf. No golf. Natalie said I'm not allowed to golf because she said that's the only thing that would truly make me unfuckable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's golf.

No golf. No watches. No watches. No watches. I don't know. We were talking watches when we were shopping. I kind of looked at a couple because they fucking get to you.

They look good. We get to you. I don't wear a watch. But yeah, I could see, but back to the story, would we know what saved us? What? Those fucking dumplings.

Because when we sat, we showed up, Hungary is What? Those fucking dumplings. Because when we sat, we showed up, hungry as fuck, angry, hot ears. Yeah, we ate fucking, ready to fucking get pissed at everybody. I'm not fucking around, we ate 45 dumplings. At least. We put down eight, we ordered, because then remember the woman trying to talk us out of the fourth fish.

Yeah, and we said, No, no, no, no, no, no, don't worry, we got bok choy. I think we're gonna do this. We're gonna do this. We had some bok choy and they're the help that all slide inside. Yeah, that's, oh, no, no, no, no, don't worry, we got bok choy. I think we're gonna do this. We're gonna do this. We have some bok choy, they're the help that'll slide inside. Yeah, that's, oh, that's what happened to my shits this morning.

What do you mean? I were huge. And they were like flaky. What? You know how like, like, bonito? They were like, they were still like, they had a shape, but you could tell like, fluffy. If anything touched them, they'd go to pieces.

Yeah, that's like, like, like, Gabriel Glacias. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was fluffy. It did it fluffy. Yeah, it's like like Gabriel Glacias. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was stuffy. It's a bit fluffy. Yeah, I mean, but apparently I believe fluffy poop is still on the, because we're, guess what's back on the menu? What's back on the menu? Shit stories.

Oh, yeah. We're talking about it. I'm talking about it a lot. I love talking about shit stories. Shit stories were, we had some pushback because Marcus and I did several weeks in a row where we were talking about stories about people eating shit Doing various things that people got mad But now it's like the mandate came back Maddie held an actual official poll and shit stories back of the man

People like this. Oh really. Oh, yeah, buddy. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, come on. Oh god. Come on Yeah, this is why no one shares your microphone. No This is yeah, I do it for a reason. All right, I literally, a little piece of dinti phone came out. Yeah, it just, it just lives in there now. Two days ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Coming out, man. But I just wanted to, you know, thank you to dinti phone for really doing what you fucking down. Oh my God. It was, I, dumplings just give me, I got just so good. There's something special about them. To eat like nobody's watching. What was the wantons for the best though?

Man, those spicy wantons. Yeah, I like that they stack them on top of each other. And like it's like you're hiding a dinner under your dinner. Yeah, two thing. They put all the they put that on there. They basically say they put it all the big stacks of the steaming drawers, man. It's all fun. What was the other thing we got that wasn't that, well, oh, two cumbersome. Yeah, you made me get that. And it was the other thing we got that wasn't, oh, cucumber salad. Yeah, you made me get that.

And it was good, wasn't it? It was. I live my life by cucumber salad. See, I like a seaweed salad. A seaweed salad's good. I got another one with seaweed salad. I said, here, we'll cause this fluffy poop. So fluffy poop, according to the Bristol stool scale,

foamy or fluffy poop would be described as it's got fluffy pieces raggedy edges, moshis, stools. It says that the stool is rich in fat content. Oh cool. And tracks. Yeah, yeah, no, it's leaving my body. That's for damn sure.

Yeah, it's because we ate nothing but pork fat. Yeah, and shrimps. And yeah, shrimps. It's getting cramps. It was great. Yeah, but honestly, otherwise, it's not too bad. It's not, but go get, go with your buddy. Go out old school shopping. That's what it was nice.

It wasn't online. Like if I'm already doing this, I'm already part of this fucking massive scam that is Christmas. Yeah. All right, at least I did it the old fat way I got our steps in. I was showing up. Yeah. Do you know? Right. Get a big meal, treating us. Look at us people. Look at it. You know, saying hi. I feel like that's the one thing. Cause now, obviously, you probably have guessed we've pre-recorded this.

This is out during our what we are normally, we're the rest of our staff and everybody else on break. There's our Christmas break. So we're now kind of in the after club. Yeah. Of Christmas. This is now we're wearing all of our ship that we got. Yes. This is my beside the Halloween. Yeah. Of Christmas. This is now we're wearing all of our shit that we got. Yes. This is my beside the Halloween. I would say this is the number one time of year. It's because what's so nice about the 26 because as far as I'm concerned, that means Christmas should come to a screaming fucking halt. That's a January 3rd is when that. Sure. But still, I do believe to I if I had my brothers of if and when I'm in charge

of this whole fucking American experiment, I would strip down this guy. I will allow you your Christmas beginning December 1st, but 20, the 25th at midnight. I want the trees and the public spaces coming down. Wow. I want the lights coming down. I want the trees and the public spaces coming down. I want the lights coming down. I want the carols gone.

I want the gray non-being of the 26th through the 31st. See, I go November 26th to January 3rd. That's my as soon as I see, I don't consider New Year's Eve to be in the Christmas area. I can't remember. You can still wear your greens and reds. I think it's the rebuke of Christmas. It's near the scene.

Is the rebuke of Christmas? Yes, because Christmas is a non-fucking day. Christmas is not a day where a lot of people are getting piped. Are you sure? Yes. I don't know about that. You don't think so? You know what?

Now that I know, now I know, I'm definitely doing it. Please. Let's fuck up Christmas day. It's changed it. Christmas morning. Because I fuck pancakes. I think that's incredible. French toast never happened. I think it's because I was with my family. Yeah, that's the thing is when you fly home, people don't like having sex in the family homes. No, because my mom has a, you know, she bought this, it's like just so you know, because you're not here anymore. And so like you visit, we made sure I wanted to have a foldable bed in this so I could do my meditation room, Henry Thomas. She's here in my room, her meditation room.

Not relaxing in there. Yeah, no, never was. No, and so she got this ghost of millions and millions. Trillians, so many comes. Yeah, the Holocaust of little Henry's that have just been laid to waste in that room. Me experimenting with my carpet became tile. No, Natalie doesn't want to be in there. She got sexified in there.

And also she got this futon where the second half of it lays it sort of like a slant. So you do sort of feel like I'm in the Andes mountains. I feel like I'm gripping on a literally like a sliding hill coming down. So it's just not sexy. But I view you have to sleep on a futon when you go home for Christmas. No offense mom and surprise. It's just how it is. Yeah.

Really? Yeah. In a hotel. It's psychological. Get a hotel. We're in Oh, it's in letter. Cry. Dude, I hear it from the hotel here there.

I think the first year's a crime. The second year, she's mad. The third year, she's used to it. You're talking about it like she's anabell the people. I don't know if she does. I don't know if she registers these lessons. But you know, I, well, one, you know, we can figure out that.

I do think that we did sort of declare Airbnb is like a necessary thing, but also Airbnb sucks because, you know, it's a horrible company. I hate that I got to pay for them to clean, and then I got to clean. I hate it. Go fuck yourself. I hate it. Are they an advertiser? Okay, but then we're fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I, uh, yeah, it's, it's hard because I feel like in the 31st is when the fucking starts back up. You know what I mean? You have 26. Everyone's kind of like I think 29th. Side stories LPLGmail.com. I love going to 9th.

This one is starts getting wild. Or people you want to get some in before the end of the year. I just didn't, I just did not truly believe that people are fucking on Christmas. Because I just think it's a sexless day. I mean, if you're a guy, kids, you're not fucking. It's like, you know, when you have to wake up early to go to a child's birthday, which is horrible. Yeah. No, I, right. Don't care about your birthday until you're 40.

Nobody, yeah, honestly, it doesn't matter. So you're 21. Invite me then. Invite me then. I'll be there. And then I'll be back when you're 40 If I'm alive like you're a real father. Yeah, yeah, that's what real fathers do That's why I'm not having kids I'm 42 years old they're not moving out to a fucking oh in my 60 minimum. Yeah, dude. Oh, that shit old Yeah, I'm still who your kids into liking me. It sounds like you're used to

would woo. Well, I mean, I'm doing, you know what I'm talking about here. I'm not talking, you know, what are we talking about? I'm gonna be a good influence, I'm gonna be a gentleman. I'm gonna teach you how to talk to a lady. I love that idea of introducing a man to another person's kids. I mean, like, don't worry, he's a gentleman. That's the first thing you got to know. Live from North Korea. Well, yeah, I'd love to find out what people are saying because I, leading up to Christophe, so I have issues with Christmas.

And one of my truly biggest issues of Christmas, which is, I'm just saying we barely have to deal with anymore, which is what we had to deal with in New York. And it's still around. I'm certain a lot of you guys have Santa cons. Oh God, yeah. In your towns. I was gonna say, yeah, you said we wanna talk Santa cons.

I think we'll talk a little bit about Santa cons because it is a scourge. I do know, but I do. I also have a distinct issue with yucking someone's young. So I know what you have a problem with like, I see, I feel like break I get. I love Billy Joel. Yeah, right? Billy Joel, I've almost gotten to fights of people saying mean things about Billy Joel. And about people. It's a square garden every year. So does Trump. Right. But it's an idea of like these guys are, yes, I do understand

on some level, right? It's cheesy. People don't like Billy Joel. They find him to be hacked. I think they're stupid. They're obviously not from Long Island. Yeah. Obviously not from where I'm from. No. Right. To not know what the power of Billy Joel is. I've ever smelled weed. Was that a Billy Joel Elton John concert? That's incredible. And as far as I was like, you know what that is? I was like, what? That's weird. That's we probably being smoked by an undercover police officer. Yeah. Who's there just to enjoy the concert, right?

But I so I understand why people don't like hacky things in general. But also, I love Billy Joel. I went and I sang until I cried at MGM to go and see him at Madison Square Garden. I, you know, it was incredible. But I feel like the same thing about Comic, the Santa Con, where I would even put Comic Con in there too. Can I do a quick Billy Joel gripe? I saw him, MSG, his 70th birthday.

Do you know what he fucking did? He had his daughter come sing New York State of mind. You believe that? This is what people, this is what people flip out. Thomas now. New York State of mind, 70th birthday? This is why people, this is why people flip out. Thumbs down. Even New York State of mind. Seventieth birthday. I went free. Madison Square Garden. Because you know what he does. He does is that he calls out all the counties. Normally. Yeah. Oh, I remember when he went wood, even we're like, I should flip from. That's his best closer. Yeah. he gave it to a stupid daughter. He did his daughter. She came out dressed like a fucking, I mean,

Skavuch. It's happening in my favorite part. Let me look her up. I mean, she, she kept doing the Let me look her up. I mean, she kept doing the, oh, it's like you're not. We're not here. You're a state of mind. It's also, you know, that's a special song to me.

She's beautiful. She's fine. I think but I like it. Do you have them? Pull it. I also have it. It's not nothing to do with beauty or not beauty. I have an issue when you go see a guy that's singing.

You went to go see and he hands the audience, the microphone for what is the big song or whatever. Yeah, have her sing some other other shit, ever sing her song. I got no problem with that. Honestly, she could definitely have her be on the downy street of my mind in New York. She could be on that one. Honestly, she could do the other side of scenes from Italian restaurant. Oh, that'd be nice.

You know, I could see back and forth like that. Do back and forth versus. Yes, I'd be into that. Not down east to Alexa. We gotta get the pure version of that. Yeah back and forth versus. Yes, I'll be into that. Not down east or Alexa. We gotta get the pure version of that. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I said that one.

Definitely not one. Definitely not. I don't know what's happened to me. What else would you want? What could she say? What could she say? I mean, only the good dy-on. Yes.

You know, that's a stupid. Yeah. Oh, what's the one? Oh, we know Rob. Just got offended. I'm sorry. No, the real, the do-op one. Oh, it's time. Oh, what's the one? Oh, we know Rob just got offended. I'm sorry. No, the real, the do op one. Oh, it's time.

Oh, yeah, she could say that one. Oh, yeah, sure. Also, yeah, whatever. Back to the board in the USA. That's what she could say. She could sing spring steam. Yeah, so nobody else is on. Sing like a rock by Bob Seagal.

All right. But I understand rock by Bob Seagal. All right. But I understand people hate on Santa Con. Larger because it's horrible. You don't like Martian other people's thing. And the Santa Con people love Santa Con. But only people who- And the first couple years it was hilarious. Yes, so the people who actively participate in Santa Con.

For those of you that don't know, you're lucky. But for the those of you that don't know, you're lucky. But for the rest of you, uh, Santa Con is a, uh, Santa Con is a unofficial quote-unquote. I want to say it's like a roving party where people dress up as Santa and ruin everybody's night. You put a piece of shit in a costume. Maybe come such a bigger piece of shit. It's just that is just an old axiom that remains to be true. It is, it is so crazy how fast a fucking asshole turns into a major asshole in a Santa costume. Yeah.

But I like the idea of the pub crawl. Yeah, sure. I like you going and doing Santa activities. I like group costumes. I don't know. I don't even mind stuff like improv everywhere. Does it sometimes? Yes, it started it. It hurts. Yes, they started it. But I don't, I don't mind it. I think it's fun. I understand. It's like, Oh, good. Let these people let go. I get to let go all the time. I scream all day. So it's nice

for them to be able to get it out. But the problem with Santa Con has really been is like, what it brings to places, which a lot of times seems to be mostly public urination. Oh, I mean, forget public urination. I mean, you're lucky if it's urine. You know, the gets put it's everything. First of all, I gotta let's go back, back, back, back. I used to be a manager at the village poor house.

Yeah, but in the middle of the East Village, all right, all right, right next to the Webster Hall, you dead center ground zero, third avenue, a tent, not only was it ground zero, it was the bar that it started and you got your cup that you could bring to all the other bars because they give you a cup that you bring around to all the bars. So technically, that's when you got you got them at the freshest. Yeah, but I got them on like the first bad year, the first year when it stopped being cute, you know, and like all the fucking drunks from Long Island came out and all the Jersey Drunks came out and then it became and it became a fucking shit show. So my poor house, the village poor house, it was a great bar.

It's gone now. RIP, tearing down the building, very sad about it. All right, so these sandas, they come in. I show up to work 10 a.m. We open at 11. All right, I get there at 10 a.m. Line around the block of Santa Claus's. Okay. We're four house, man. So sad it's going.

We had so many good times there. Oh, man, he's still running. Fucking comedy shows in the back. Yeah, we did the Crab Oil comedy show. Yeah, the Crossfish crap oil comedy show the croffish oil comedy show we did dog shit there So much fun man and and so like I fucking So I show up to work Lying around the block people waiting to get in my bar before I even show up to open it in an hour Drinking with pints of vodka in the street, they're getting hammered.

They're already fucking causing a mess, waiting to get inside, literally banging on the glass and shit. I'm looking at this right now. People are saying they were seeing knife fights. Yes, it's Santa Con. It is rough. They just kind of show up. Very interesting.

One of the planners of Santa Con talks about how they were at a specific bar in September of 2012 talking about Santa Con with the bartender. They happen to say, I'm one of the organizers of Santa Con. The bartender was like, don't you ever bring that here to this bar? And the organizer was like,

I would never do that. Not here. Yeah, this is my bar. Yeah, man, because they take over, like, there were hundreds inside my bar. At the point where I just stopped giving them real food. I'm like, we're only serving hot dogs at French fries for the rest of the day. You're being fed like too. I was like, no, you don't get to order off a menu anymore. It's hot dogs at French fries from chicken fingers. That's all you people get. All right. And then like, no more

cocktails. I like, I would cut out cocktails. So So all right. Let me put it this way. How do we fix Santa Cone? Because I like this idea. I think that anything that takes the Christ out of Christmas is great, right? Yeah. Have it be binge drinking. You know, I mean, that's what you need to celebrate for this week. Go ahead. That's your that's your lifestyle, right? What how do we fix it? Man, I'll tell you one year. This isn't how you fix it. Because I do a Mrs. Santa Cone. But that's your that's your lifestyle right? What how do we fix man? I'll tell you one year. This isn't how you fix it I do a Mrs. Santa clone, but that sounds like something. Oh, that's just yeah, that you're just asking for Shrippers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds like fun. Yeah, that's a good time Maybe if they all go to one place and everyone knows where they are What if we get you a crawling that's the issue. What if we put a cordoned like aria?

If there was a big kind of kind of aria pole, that's a great idea. What if we do something like that? Would they have to go do almost like not a pen? Yeah. But like you take what's the spots that was down to what like what's the name of the conference center? Oh, javas Center. Yeah. Yeah. Put them in the javet center. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure. Spray host take all the furniture out of it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Put them in the Jaffat center. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure. You could spray hose take all the furniture out of it. Yeah. Let them go into crazy. And go crazy. Lock the doors on and maybe they go in there and you lock the doors. They have to stay in to maybe if you go in, you have to be afraid. I was rats.

Like if the basement door opened for too long, like they would like scurry in the basement. I caught multiple people fucking in the basement. Yeah. Of the bar I worked in, it was like, what? Oh my God. One of the craziest things I ever saw at working on a bar, one of my waitresses was sitting there talking to me. And some Santa Claus comes up to me, wretched human being that he was weight, like tiny ass dude, licks his hand and slaps my waitress in the ass. Like, like, look, but while like looking me in the eye, like, I'm going to think it's fucking hilarious.

And I just engulfed him, you know, just like, just like, took it, just like, like, look, but while like looking me in the eye, like, I'm going to think it's fucking hilarious. And I just engulfed him, you know, just like, just like, just like covered and then like loony tunes through him out of the bar, like literally held him by the back of his pants and fucking tossed him into the street. It was, it was like, it was that, it got like that, dude, it was so fucking great. They took over so hard. I had to like, open, we had these side doors. I had to open the doors because it just started fogging up intensely in there and people are like, it was so hot. It was so fucking hot because everyone's in a san assume. Yeah, and there's getting, it's like all of the body heat

to shoot into the goddamn ceiling. So the next day after Santa Con, okay, I'm sitting there and we're across from Webster Hall, talking to the manager of Webster Hall, and he's like, crazy day yesterday, huh? Like we're fucking all got PTSD. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, I'm like, yeah man of Webster Hall and he's like, crazy day yesterday. I don't like we're fucking all got PTSD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, I'm like, yeah, man, I was fucking nuts.

He's like, he's like, you'll never believe what happened to me. He's like, I'm sitting at home. It's four in the morning. I met my girlfriend, Towson. I'm playing video games. She's asleep. Her roommate comes in. She's dressed like Santa Claus.

She's all woozy and shit. She's like, she's like, hey, hey, hey, you know, he's like, oh, you have a good time for Santa Connor. Yeah, a good time for Santa Connor. Yeah, a good time. Santa Connor was fine. And then he's like, all right, well, get some sleep. And she turns around and the back of her Santa is all

fucking brown from blood, just like fucking coming down the back of her shirt. Let me have my billy drool. And so he's just like, all right, well, I'm taking her to the hospital. He brings her to the emergency room. He said the entire emergency room is just filled with people dressed like Santa Claus. Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

You know, it's just like, what the fuck are we doing? Well, he took a picture. They made him delete it. It's hard because we are a society in America that likes that type of party. Yeah. And like, you know, to certain other countries do, they do all. I love hard drinking. Obviously. Yeah. But we, it's hard when you weaponize it. Yeah, you know because what it makes is is that it makes this sort of It's a perver that builds where maybe it's good for Santa con like there's something along the lines of like maybe you have to do

Some form of charity work after. Well, they do. Maybe they donate money. They do donate money. But I'm saying you go to a super place. Yeah. You go do something. Oh, and like give soup. You don't want these people giving soup to almost people.

But I feel like you know that guilt you feel after you've drunk in for days. Yeah. Maybe weaponize that. Use that. Where it's like you've been out here you all right You did good work you trash Thompson Square Park. Yeah worse than it was before Now you got to go and put in some hours at the charity thing so that next you're allowed to do Santa Con again Well, everyone's all hammered you should just get their fucking fingerprints like the cops to just go around and be

Fingerprint everybody. They just put them all in record because you know, they're committing crimes in the future. These pack of pieces shit deeply evil. Yeah. No, here's, here's some stories from Greg's joint. I'll Santa con the truly don't recommend turning into the information state. I don't give a fuck about these fucks. Wow. Put them on the list. I want to know who they are. I think a lot of these guys got clear anyway. All right. In East Village, yeah, they do. They get through right now.

Yeah, I'm with one. You know, yeah. The East Village resident who met a puking Santa on her stoop, listeners from Grub Street. Um, last year, I left my apartment in the middle of the afternoon during prime Santa con time. And when I opened the door, my building, I was met by an individual wearing plaid boxers, suspenders, and a Santa hat, no shirt, questionable shoes, vomiting on my stoop. Once he had finished, I guess he had decided to be really go for the gold star.

So he peed all over his fucking pile of vomit, causing it to somewhat clean the offending area of his stairs. When he realized I was watching him, he went for a high five. Yeah, I make a lot of sense. But if you look at this, apparently the original Sanskahn, it started with this thing that was a,

or Copenhangen, it was a protest against American commercialism of Christmas. It was called Serolien. That definitely was what it was called. Yeah, that's how you pronounce it. It was a four-day demonstration in which they entered department stores and began handing out books to confused shoppers.

And it was all about talking about simpler lifestyle, finding joy in the season. And it was dressing as Santa Claus and was supposed to be a bit of mischievous fun, but it was supposed to be sort of an anti-capitalist move. And that has since changed. Yeah, completely reversed. It started with the Sanctus.

It started with the Sanctus. It was a group in San Francisco called the Cacophony Society that was doing it a little bit more politically and interesting. They took the streets posing a Santa's on strike. They bantered with locals and disrupted high society parties aiming for a little mucking of a bullshit holiday, which was demonstrably based on an holy alliance of religious hypocrisy and mercantile lust. Yeah, fuck yeah.

Yeah, of course. But then we flip it because America is just real good at it. We have taken many things that are supposed to be sincere, political things. And we've just turned it into an all day fucking drunken party. It hasn't happened in 9-11 years. I was just thinking about that. But it's common. It's got to.

It's in the air. It's over 20 years old. I grilled a steak this year. Yeah. Is it grilled too next to each other? Two strips? Too near. I'm insane.

That's just the first step towards, well done, right? Yeah, yeah, it's very, very crispy. But, and I one fell off the grill, flew itself. I, it's coming. Yeah, we're gonna be doing, we're gonna be having 911 barbecues. I'm gonna say 10 years from now. No one, no why we don't.

Are you ready for this, why we don't. Are you ready for this? Why we don't John Stewart labor days the week before But then it's two. Yeah, I know that's two weekends in a fucking row dude. Yeah, nothing 9-11 was like labor week We all got off of work. I remember I was in school You were I was in a I was in school too. Well kind of I was I was in Tallahassee I didn't really wasn't really going to school. Yeah, you're going to community. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I think community college actually,

it's completely legitimate. Of course, it's legitimate. And that's how people sneak in there. Yeah, my fucking dentist went to community college. Oh, yeah. That's why he said, his whole thing is doing it on the fly. I said, couldn't it even me? Yeah, this is a there's a

phantom urinating the middle of McDonald's in front of a child, according to New York post. That is my main issue with Santa Con. I guess now there's a new way. They have a they have a list of rules, the six fs of Santa Con because they're trying to put this, they were trying to do it after that. Fuck, fart. Yeah. Fist. Fuck. And don't fuck with one kids, two cops, three bar staff, four New York City. The city is a whole.

Yeah, because we hate it now. Oh, we do. New York City backs requirements. Oh, okay. And then six centus charity mission. Because they are saying that they do it for charity. They do it for charity. Also, do you remember in 2014 when Santa Con was the same day as the Eric Garner riots?

I said, dude, that was a fucking big fucking massive problem. That was a big problem. It was a big. It was like everyone's marching all the way up and down Santa Con. Guess what doesn't happen with the Halloween parade any of this. Yes. What doesn't happen at thanks given parade Almost none of this. Well, it's a it's a parade. It's different. I'd be saying there's events that people go to how you never hear this about Halloween. Yeah All right, and Halloween supposed to be the big Nishivists one. Yeah, that's when the gang initiations happen Oh, but I even think that's not right. I don't think that's real. Man, I remember when we were,

because I was in the march. I went, like I went and went, participated in the march. And I remember seeing some, I feel, I honestly felt bad for them. Some black kid dressed as Santa Claus with a bunch of white guys. And then everyone like circled him

and just started like booing him and like, and like, and like, what are you fucking doing? How did you mess this up? But then it's like, like, if you're gonna do Santa Kong, if you're gonna do it, just think about the reason why you're doing it and what level are you affecting your local environment? Yeah, a good fear little town.

You could probably get away with Santa. And have fun and have it the A genuinely nice night. Nobody breaks an arm. Yeah, nobody fucking a part is a job. There was a decent Santa Khan in what's that Trenton? New Jersey. I went to so it's so on the round table Facebook page. So one went to Santa Con and we've bitch pitched about Santa Con before back in the day. And so someone posted a picture, it's like, I caught these two Santa Claus's smoking weed. And then, you know, who one of the Santa Claus's was? Who?

My little cousin that I haven't talked to in like seven years. It's the first time you saw your little cousin with smoking weed on the round table face but page. Yes. And then so I, that is the most round table thing I've heard. Yeah. And so I took it down and I messaged the guy, I was like, listen, you didn't do anything wrong. But that's my little cousin.

And my aunt, her grandmother is on this page. Oh my God. So I was like, so I hit her up. I was like, I said to the picture, I was like, I just saved your life. What does she do? I'm not bringing that up. She's like good. Is she like, I just saved your life. What does she do? I'm not bringing that up. She like, is she like,

I even told this story. Yeah, actually, I feel like you should have told this story at all. I know, but I got enough cousins where no one's going to know who it was. Yeah, you do have a lot of cousins. I gotta shut the name of the cousins. We know it's a female cousin. Yeah, we know it's some sort of job where they should be spoken weed publicly in Sanis. So that's not good, right?

Because then now I'm actually kind of concerned, maybe we do need to report your cousin. They were not reported by cousin. Maybe there's something bad. What is your cousin? Well, my cousin just got a bunch cooler in my book. I think I mean, yeah, they made it to the Facebook page. But how random is that?

It is. I was looking at, I was like, my mind was like, I was like, no way that's her. And then like, I went and looked at a modern picture, ever, because I haven't seen her in so long. I was like, that's fucking her. I have a story that is just like this that I'm going to share with you off there. You never know what's going to come down the pipe.

I saw a summer school teacher in a porno store once. And I was with another one of my friends who was in the class with me. Never go to your local porno store if you're fucking to teacher in that area. Yeah, never don't go in never Go out of town. Yeah, go to some other go to another county I remember one time I saw a football coach at a dead head store when I was a kid see that's fun Yeah, but that was also like an hour away. He was just bad luck. Yeah, and a lot of guys I mean like Griefletead goes like a lot of different ways

I find that they it is one of those Yeah, and a lot of guys, I mean, like, Griefletead goes like a lot of different ways. I find that it is one of those hippie bands that a lot of conservative people also listen to as well. It's weird. It's just a good group. Because they're denying their, it's where they go to go feel things. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then they come home and they go, ah, ah, and they let all that, just all, they're just riddled with cancer cells. Baby Boomeraves. Yes. This is dead head show. That's exactly what that. Yeah. Fly from North Wave.

So it's Christmas time. I don't know, you know, we're almost here for New Year's Eve. It's Christmas, it's Christmas, it's Christmas. I know that we technically did our New Year's Eve episode already. You're not going to hear that yet. New Year's Eve is a couple days away. It is a couple days away. It is a couple days away. And that's I feel like a very similar Santa con vibe.

Don't go to bars on New Year's Eve. Unless you got, you know what I also I miss a little bit about New York is a quiet local bar in New Year's Eve. Where you go to your local bar and you hang out with the same people that you hang out with normally and you do a real low Key, that's what are my favorite so it's like last year where we rented a little tiny room

That was cool, and we just got drunk in a room. Yeah, and that was really nice to do But do you have any resolutions coming because we talked a little bit with Marcus about it? Near's resolutions. I mean like you know real ones just double down on stand up But like I would say like, you know, real ones just double down on standup, but like, I would say like, fun ones or just like, personal ones. You know, I got this thing where it's just like, I kind of fell off it and I used to do it and I kind of want to pull it back again. Just call someone once a week.

Yeah. Just call someone once a week. It just old buddies, family members. No, it's going to turn it down in your phone call. Yeah, no one's going to get it. Just once a week, just catch old buddies family members. No one's gonna turn it down your phone call Yeah, no one's gonna just once a week just catch up. It could be a five minute conversation It could be an hour and a half but it's about building it up Yeah, and then like because you you want to claim you're close with these people But you have a talk to them in years I talked to them you know, so it's like it's so I'm gonna pick someone

Every week an old friend and I mean, yeah, I'm coming for you Ron Crasnow. It's coming. coming for you. Ron Crasnow. It's coming for you. Yeah, you're on Crasnow. Ron's a good guy. Yeah, great guy. Great. But then you go like two years, not talking to him. What am I doing here?

But I love about old buddies though for the most part. You can catch right back up. That's the best part. You should pick up the phone. Just reestablish that connection. That's one less enemy out there. One less. You know, he glad I called that guy.

You know, to get another guy off the list. Uh, I, I, what do you, what do you got? You know, I think that I want to get back into doing some form of like I started playing pickleball with scene. Okay. That's nice. So I think I'm going to try to do that more often. Stretching.

Oh, yeah. Because those people, I mean, I'm too athletic. You're not doing ketamine and pickleball, right? Cause we know what the point that makes me feel so fucking bad. I'm sorry, was that a bad, that's not a totally. No, it's not a bad, it's just sad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just sad dude, you just can't, no. No. No thing I do is pure caffeine man. Even that's dangerous. What the fuck can do this to me? I'm sick everybody telling me everything I like is something caffeine man, even that's dangerous. What the fuck can you do this to me? I'm sick everybody tell me everything I like is something's gonna kill me. I mean, but are you gonna drink a bunch of coffee and then go play pickleball and shit yourself? I bring a coffee with two pickleball.

Really? Yeah, you bring a coffee to pickleball? Yeah, shoot it up in a horrible athlete. No, I would have been incredible for this 1935. Naming in I'm incredible. Jar of buttermilk. You know, couple cigars. I mean, Babe Ruth did it.

Yeah, that's me. Yeah. I could absolutely, you could have done that. That's the thing, it's one of the best baseball players of all time, and he did it all fucking hammered. Well, Dave, there's a lot of averaging now. It's about his hits. I don't think he could run around the bases and you use a good picture, right?

He was a great pitcher. Yeah. Yeah, no, and he had more strikeouts than anyone else at the time. He was harder to be a batter than. I mean, I mean, they were thinking about the war. All right, that's what's hard. Think about that. How many athletes during that time for it went and fucking shot somebody in the head? Oh, yeah. Elvis Presley. I think about that. Well, he didn't shoot nobody. He didn't shoot anybody. He was shifted and dancing. And he was shaking hands. Jimmy Stewart killed people Jimmy Stewart heads Don Rickles worked on a fuck on the SS

I've something he was the Navy man. He like fucking shot the gun and shit, but I'm talking about Jimmy Stewart Nelt on a fucking Germans neck. Yeah, I bet right these guys and they would just back to acting Yeah, I believe that all right. No, I guess if I were gonna change anything else I acted. Yeah, I believe that. I believe that. All right. No, I guess if I were going to change anything else, you know, I guess I just can't let anybody dampen my shine.

Yeah, man, it's very important, you know, it's because if anyone's trying to dampen your shine, that means they're shine sucks. Yeah, because guess what, man, if you try to dampen my shine, I'm going to end your shine. Yeah, man. I'm going to fucking knock that candle right out.

Put some poop along them. Yeah, I can. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm gonna fucking knock that candle right out. Put some poop along them. Yeah, I can't. I'm kidding. Because they were allowed to. It's almost 2024. It's new year. And this year, I think things are gonna be all right. What was the best shit you took in 2023?

What can you think, can you go back and think of one? I don't want a couple of weeks ago. That was like, it like punched the toilet water. It was fucking wild. Well, nothing is like, so, you know, if you really want to get granular, yeah, a lot of times what I'll do is two to three shits real in a row. Oh, yeah, we need it. And I'll go like flip, flip, flip, flip, flip. Flump, right? In a small period of time, and get it all out once in that way. But every once in a blue moon,

I'll just get it done in one. And when it's like that, and it sounds like Santa's coming down the chimney into a living room filled with water, that's how I know I'm healthy. You know what I mean? It's what Santa visits Aquaman's house. Oh, Mr. Dapy to go meet Jason Momoa.

That's like, I guess we're called like, Jason Momoa. Jason Momoa's house. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

The big ones are really when they like, when you're sleeping and it wakes you up Well, it only happens a couple of times a year for me But you always know it's like if it like wakes me up timing my timing is off. I try not to do that Yeah, I try not to either because nothing's like I want to say I had one where it was like I had a dream where my butt was stuck in a bucket No, it's just like I can't get out. It's not me. I'm like you can't get out of the book You know woke up just violent and I have a new shit. I was like, I can't get out. I can't get out of the book. You know, woke up. She's violent and I haven't a shit. I'm so glad I didn't shit the bed. Man, the best thing that ever happened to me was, I would that ever happen to Julie.

Bathroom, not in her bedroom. Oh, very old. She was saved by that. Because when you're in there, it smells like this one thing just put on aftershave. Oh my God. But she was in like, she's an activist for ladies, right? Yes. And she was in a very important meeting. And then she was in a lot about woman's suffrage. Yes, yes.

Yes. But the bathroom is right next to her meeting room. And I didn't know how thin the walls of my new apartment were. And I ruined one of her meetings. Oh yeah, because they're like, hey, and then just dropping off bags of someone drove a bags of what cement behind you. There are man, it sounds like do you have a man working in those who stuck an event? These are, oh god, it's usually that it's like oh Jesus you're doing a chaplain over

to come to your home to bless the so we're giving them so flash rights just a nice drama we're gonna do this what an informative episode has been it is we have talked yeah and we talked to you yeah, and we talked to you And you know why we talked to you because we love you love our listener so much and you know, I can't quit Listener. I want you to enjoy your fucking life because if you don't enjoy it no one else is

Christmas That's what we did. Good Christmas. That happy Hanukkah. My hands. See even just screaming about it. Yes. Even just that go to Amazon or the iTunes on Apple, but they changed everything with the update. I hate what they've done with the update.

What? But on Stupid Apple, they changed the stupid all the stupid apps. They changed everything. Mine didn't change. I just don't know. You ain't there yet. You're gonna get there.

But go to how to ruin the holidays and rent it. Oh, you're gonna help an independent film make a little bit of its money back. We did I again. It's a crystal smoothie. I'm in. I hate the theater. You did. I went and saw it. I was the other person in there, which was kind of I mean, I wanted people to be there for you, but it was really nice to just sit there and boot like, yeah, just yeah, I like it. And laugh at it. Go to How to Ru in the holidays. Take a look at it.

Bye operations on shine. We have those there. Go to your local comic book shop. And then live every day, longing and knowing that the December 26th through the 31st is coming for you. That's right, baby. And that's a time period where you can really just laugh knowing that your boss can ask you for a lot of shit. Yeah. Yeah. You ain't getting it.

That's right. Until January 3rd. January 3rd. That's the life gets bad for every and a half months. All the rest of us. It comes to worse. That's what you need. Because good Christmas presents. That's what's horrible too. Is that that? I was talking about this in therapy of the day. It's the snapback. Yeah. After Christmas break. That's what's horrible too, is that? I was talking about this in therapy of the day. It's the snapback after Christmas break. So you might want to start, that's why it's good. But I like, I work when I'm not working because then it makes the working time

doesn't feel as insane. Yeah, also I'm sick. Do you ever think, sometimes it's good if you like sit on a bunch of tax so you're never that happy. Yes, put some break, break a bunch of like glass and put in your shoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like during the Christmas holiday, just so you don't get too relaxed. Don't get too relaxed. But that's why you got about 72 hours of not being observed. And you're gonna laugh, you're gonna laugh during that time period and you're gonna love the fact that like,

that's who you really are. It's not the person who shows up to work every day. It's not the person that goes and meets with your friends and shit like that. It's the person in the fucking three-day-old underwear. Yeah. In your sweatpants. Sit and play in that PS5. If you got it, you know what I mean? Just in total fucking near-sleep yet still awake covered in soup, that's you. And that's the person you gotta love the most. So 26th to 28th, you're gonna meet that guy, that girl again.

Yeah. And you just fucking wrap your arms around that person. Oh, I wanna propose something. I'm not getting married to you, I'm already done. Am I doing that ever again? Look at it. They know what the, which we call it. All right, so you know people do dry January?

Sure. I think it's a little tough to do dry January. It's so cold. You're coming off a bender. You stop cold turkey like that. It's kind of tough. I'm thinking dry March 20th to 420. It's not too bad.

Celebrate, you break it on 420. But then promise that if you smoke weed on 420, you haven't smoked for a month, you're gonna fucking... I mean, you gotta see, how else you gonna not drink if you don't smoke weed, you gotta smoke weed the whole time. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But it's our life, it's weird. Yeah, no, no, no, dry it.

Anyone who takes out weed during dry January is fucking psychopath. Hey man, you should know that. And you should know that we're correct because we're fucking surgeons. That's right, that's right, man. I got, actually, I have a surgeon in my family and he probably doesn't agree with any of my life choices.

No, no, no, no, violently displeased. January 4th, I'm gonna be in Ontario, California, opening for Germaine Fowler. It's gonna be a fucking blast. Come check it out. It's the improv, I'm very excited. He's got a huge hour, boy. He's doing a full hour.

And I'm doing like 20 minutes up top. So it's gonna be a lot of fun. Come check us out. We're gonna fucking be super pro-e And he's gonna give me a ride there and back and he's very nice and I love him. It's gonna be really nice All right guys y'all be good to yourself. Hail set. Hail Henry Mark's done here. I'll take it. Yeah, you take it. All right boys. Oh, oh, Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha She's gonna love her Crocs. You said it. But this comes out afterwards. I can say whatever the fuck I want. Yeah, good. Good. I'm glad you already bought her. Yeah.

That's fine. You can't just wish her. Crocs. She's doing it. Crocs.com. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Hey there, buddy.

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