Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Scottish Kiss

Episode Date: February 25, 2021

Ben 'n' Henry break down this week's true crime news: a cockroach-eating contest ends in tragedy, an Edinburgh woman bites off a man's tongue, a gender reveal party explosion, and MUCH MORE.Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left side stories. That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Hey, Giselle. Yep. Have you seen the movie Psycho Goreman? I don't think so. It sounds awesome. It's really fucking good.

It's this new movie I just saw come out like it's straight up Power Rangers with intense violence. Oh, so it's like Power Rangers. Yeah. Cool. I love it. Like blood and monsters and shit. It's like a horror movie version of it. I mean, I was why I was like, I couldn't believe I was like, they made something for me. I'm 100 percent down to see what was called again.

Psycho Goreman. Psycho. Psycho Goreman. We're not even paid. They we don't know those people. They all could be fucking guilty of crime. Sure. The entire making of that, that entire film. I don't even know. I can't even tell you who the director is. No idea. Psycho Goreman. Check it out just because Henry said so.

I'll watch it too. Welcome to side stories, everyone. I embed hanging out with Henry. We haven't talked movies in a bit. No, we have not. I'm trying to think what I just watched recently. Of course, we have to see Judas and the Black Messiah. I cannot wait. Our friends made that movie.

So we better see it or they're going to be mad at us. The Lucas Brothers. It looks really fucking good. It looks like The Departed, which I'm very excited for. And also, my friend, Brea Grant, made this movie called 12 Hour Shift, which is really fucking good. You take the F out and that's exactly what I had this weekend. 12 Hour Shift.

Are you sick? No, I just had some people over for Elimination Chamber, WWE. And what is this about going to the bathroom? So you guys all went to the bathroom together. This was like a thing that you all were you watching from the toilet? Let's just say I plan for a big party and then Eddie shows up. I mean, Eddie's technically that's like three's company. That is. So there was a lot of people left over.

But anyway, it's out of the house now, not because I ate all of it, because I had to throw some of it away. That's what's it's hard because if you prep for a party, especially these days, it's difficult. You never know who's going to come. I know people just wake up with the fear. I understand completely. Well, speaking of fear, one of the things that we fear the most on this show.

What? Getting it wrong. But we didn't get it wrong. There were just some small myths and lies that the Internet giveth that sometimes we take it because the treat is just so sweet. It's so sweet. It's a freaking delight. But we do have to clarify one of the people that we love the most. As a matter of fact, we played some of his music, which is real.

It is real. It was music that did get made and was put onto the Internet. It's a man named Prince Midnight. He stands by his claim that he turned his uncle bones into a Skelecaster recovered this last week. But now some people are trying to say people are trying to say. Eric, what's people? Who are you? Show me your ID. I don't know. I'm looking at CBC.

It's not Canada. Oh, and apparently it is some form of hoax to Tampa reporters. Christopher Spotta at the Tampa Bay Times and Ray Roa at the all weekly creative low creative loafing have questioned the story. I'm sorry. What was that? What was that creative loaf? The creative loafing. That's not a reputable news organization.

These are the people who are debunking the fact that his uncle's bones and made a sick ass guitar out of them and then created some sick ass licks out of said guitar fighting. I don't trust the I don't trust the redaction. I don't know, but Midnight is now he's not returning phone calls from any of these people. He has he is held up the Tampa Bay Times. They are not. They said the Tampa Bay Spice, the reporter from Tampa Bay Times,

he reported that the man purporting to be Prince Midnight bears a striking resemblance to an eccentric Tampa hat maker who calls himself Odilan Ozare. Ray Roa, who has been who has been covering Ozare's media antics, agrees. Ozare is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the world's tallest hat and the longest acrylic nails. So they've just debunked something to bring in something that is so much even more debunkable, which is that this man who does not have his gun, his guitar, look at this hat.

That is a map. I am seeing the size of this hat, but I am just wondering. You're just building his myth. I think these people are in goose with Prince Midnight. Don't they have anything else to report on? They're on the Prince Midnight beat. There are so many things going on in Tampa. And this man is just studying this other man's YouTube page to debunk

when he does something as kickass as make a bone guitar. I actually think that this is where I'm going to tell them. I'm going to tell the media one thing, though. Shush, shush, shush on King Midnight. I actually don't think there are other things happening in Tampa right now. But this is just one of the Super Bowl. Yeah, so it's calm. Ozare claims he claims to be a longtime Tampa resident who went to Hillsborough

High School, but there is no voter registration, driver's license, phone or address records for anyone by the name. He's trying to say anonymous. He's an artist. He's making big hats. He'll leave him alone. I'd say Guinness World Records officials said that record applicants are prompted to provide a full name on their application, but can give a stage name if they want. OK, but he's not a party here to tell you how many coins you can stick in his

asshole, but he said, apparently, both Roa and spotted the two reporters. They said that Ozare himself, that guy, the guy with the big old handle bar mustache, the world's tallest hat in the world's longest nails. He also bears a resemblance to a local musician named Justin Arnold, who's frontman of the punk band Feral Babies. All right, first of all, I mean, would have shamed Feral Babies. I mean, I don't think after the last profits incident, I say, keep babies out of all rock. You really keep babies out of rock.

And also when it comes down to it, that's why, like, Feral Babies, people are complaining about Feral Babies and then and then they get all mad about these caged babies. It's really like, well, so what do you want? Do you want babies in a home you could call the cage or do you want babies to be out there with the squirrels and all the animals? So if you were the manager for Feral Babies, you would recommend they go play at the border for the caged babies and then the caged babies could feel more, maybe, like, in line with being criminals.

Because my home feels more and more like a cage every day. OK, I kind of agree with that in some ways. Well, nonetheless, it came to our attention. It was not this man's uncle. It was not real skeletons. It just seems like it is still a real skeleton guitar. We don't know, because there's no real bones in it, apparently. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's not.

And then Ozari's hat and Arnold's taxidermy crocodile, the guy Arnold, who's also supposed to be the same guy. So Ozari, Prince Midnight, the guitar guy. No, Prince Midnight's the guitar guy. He's a guitar guy. Who's Ozari? Odileon Ozari is the man with the world's tallest hat and the world's longest nails. And a man. How do you put the hat on with the world's longest nails?

I've seen these longest nails. They curl up. It's like a horrible amusement ride that would kill anyone who boarded it. How do you put a hat on with said long nails? Very carefully. There's so many lies going on in Tampa right now. There was a musician. Then it's also he's also possibly a man named Justin Arnold,

who is the Frank, who is the front man of the punk band. That's Feral Babies Guy. Well, wouldn't this Feral Babies Guy, this is without a doubt the most amount of coverage his band has gotten, not to disk the band. I have no idea for how to do this good. The last time he had big coverage was that apparently Justin Arnold, he tricked the Tampa Bay Times in 2014.

Oh, for what? Publishing a photo of a two-headed crocodile on its cover. And then apparently they found out that that was also. So this man is either an incredible, an incredible performance artist, trickster. I don't know what you say, or this is three different people. Is it possible there is just a Tampa wing of their newspaper edition or like a wing of their entire newspaper program that's just gullible?

Were they just this is the gullible boys? And occasionally, if you say yes to every story, I guess this is what they did with the X files. You might stumble upon some truth. What if that guitar really was the body of a missing person who had gone missing 30 years ago? And next thing you know, we found out it wasn't sure. But I'm just saying I do have come full circle with these fake reporters.

When it comes to they say yes to every case and you never know which case is really going to turn into something massive. But this story to me, whoever these three men are, if it is indeed one man like the whole eternity, they're all in Tampa, whoever they they're all in Tampa. And they all have motive means for just the sheer pleasure, the pleasure of trickery. Right. Or the idea of just trying to do new fun things.

So I think when it comes down to it, I applaud this triptych of a man, whoever he is, like, if he's one of these three and I would like to hear by invite this man on to side stories. If he is willing to come out and tell us the story, we can't have three men. I'll have all three. If there are three, you best believe we're having all three on the show at the same time. Also, I am. This is an open invitation, side stories, L P O T L at Gmail dot com.

We have a booker. We will we will get you on to this show. Tell your story here. Also in the in the vein of the late grade. Oh, my goodness. No, I'm blanking. Jump. Kick your legs up. Really handsome man. He just died. Who's dead?

The one who has just died recently. Which one? Very famous guitar player. Everyone loved him. Sex symbol icon. Jimmy Page is alive. Not Jimmy Page. Is he alive? Townsend is alive. Pete Townsend is kind of alive to collect an art. Yes, he is. No, you know, the very famous one.

Jump. Eddie Van Halen. Eddie Van Halen. He didn't do the jump. No, but he did have a really sick ass. We did the jumps. Well, there was a lot of jump. And I'm sure he jumped. No, sure. At some point he jumped. Eddie Van Halen was smoking too much.

He would whatever it is he played the guitar. And it had to maybe he had two things on the guitar. What I'm saying is make the goddamn double headed crocodile into a guitar. And then we can talk. That would be incredible. OK, because then you could have a band with a double head of crocodile bass guitar and then you got the guitar full of the bones and then all you need is like a bunch of drums made of nothing.

But said fetuses and boom, come on our show, Prince midnight, whoever you are, your open invitation. Also dinner at my home. Oh, my goodness, buddy, I would not do that. I mean, I'm afraid, but I want to see what kind of magic he does. I can't wait for you to call our editor for him to edit that sentence out later on today, because I can see you after a bowl of weed. Just totally freak it out.

So, man, did I say my address? He could be anywhere. He's three men. Well, no, and that's not just the only that's not the only correction we have to deliver. Number one, I think my conjecture that while I had deep fryers is incorrect. OK, that is actually upsetting to me, because that means they're doing their deep frying off site because they have deep fried voodoo while I've seen it.

It shipped it. But it comes pre fried and then they heat it in the microwave. They have like a convection oven. I think if you're while I invest in a deep fryer, invest in a deep fryer, that you put in fucking decapitated body parts in it. Yeah, it was a problem. OK, good, good correction on that one. Although I'm sure if you do go to a while, I'm sure one of you

will find a deep fryer at a while now that you're looking for one. I want you to find one again. Send it to side stories, LPOTL, the Gmail. Put your hand in there and make sure it's the same guy that made the skeleton guitar and the two edit crocodile even fucking better. So we only have to do one episode. Then we have. OK, we called them burner plates.

They're actually called charger plates. What is the difference? I don't know. And they are expensive because they're supposed to be expensive. And apparently they should never touch the food. You know, and then fourth one, you can smoke cream. You have to use a cold smoke. I actually got reached out to by several friends who told me this.

Actually, it does sound delicious. But do they put like are we talking like dairy, not dairy creams? Oh, yeah, like a cram, like a cram. But do you put THC in it? Or you can do it. Or you just met them. But I mean, you're just talking about trying to get high off a cream. Well, why else would you smoke cream?

I'm just saying what you smoke cream? No, it's smoked like you smoke meat. Like you like you're smoking with a cigar, like the finest cigar with a bunch of cream in the middle of it. No, no, no, no, no, I'm not. Because that would be ridiculous. I don't rig up with sour cream and blasting it in my fucking dome. Well, that's what I was thinking.

Like Winston Churchill was just like a big old Hoagie, but full of nothing. But kind of hard, soft cream. That's your fan fiction, buddy. That's your cream based fantasy world. OK, I guess we'll know if you are a person who has loaded up a dag rib with a dab rig with a bunch of cream and you smoked it, email us. Inside stories, L P O T L gmail.com. Tell us how we're fucking wrong about that.

I've only seen one person with one dab, a dab, a rig in my entire life. He looked like one of the people from the movie. Hostile getting ready to burn my nipple off. I have no idea what that freaking hot blow gun is. I don't know why that's needed for any kind of drug. Super hop because you have to melt down the the the shatter down into it. It allows it to combust as soon as I am shopping. Alongside construction workers and meth heads.

I know I'm in the wrong section. So if you have to have a blowtorch for when you're using drugs, I don't know if you need to be that extreme. That's all I'm going to say. I like a sweet, easy joint, man. That's all you need. That's what I like. And then the final one is speaking of joint. I said that Cray Tom is fake weed.

And I've been wrong about this several times. It's not. It's something else. What is it? Not the bad stuff that we were talking about. It's not spice. We were talking Kate, too. Yes, we so. But I was mis. I listed Cray Tom as one of the things that was bad in that group.

And I was wrong. Well, it does sound scary. And just lastly, this isn't a correction. This is more of an expansion of a conversation. And thank you all so much for letting us know that information. It truly is interesting because it's really about nothing at all. But did you hear about the cockroach? We talked about people dying, eating cockroaches.

And let's get let's do this story. This story is fucking awful. It's a bit of a dated story. This is from 2012, but this was the story that I was referencing. Yes. So a dude, he went into a contest to see who could eat the most amount of cockroaches, which you could imagine this death could be attributed to every morning radio DJ who set up this competition. He had a lot of forms that said that wasn't his fault.

He basically there was many forms that says this is bad to do. We don't know what it's going to do to you. No, you shouldn't eat this many roaches. But there are a lot of people that wanted that free python, which is what they were giving away. It was to win a pet python. So you had to eat like said python, although I don't even know if pythons eat cockroaches.

I don't fucking know. I mean, I'm certain that they do. They might be Eddie Archibald. This is the story of Eddie Archibald. He ate so many live roaches. He had to cover his mouth with his hand to keep them from crawling out. He swallowed the three inch insects faster than he could chew, trying to down as many in four minutes to win a pet python.

This is in West Palm Beach. This also comes from the Miami Herald. So this is legit. This was a you know, it's legit. It was a midnight madness bug eating competition at the Ben Siegel reptiles in Deerfield Beach. There were four ball pythons that were supposed to be like they were up to win. And so many people signed up.

The store owner, he had to have a mealworm eating qualifying round. Just to see if you could get through that before you got to the roaches. You know, I actually think that's appropriate, because if you can't go through the mealworm, then you don't deserve the final, final main dish, which was the cockroach. Although I think the mealworm, it's hard to say which is more disgusting. I would eat mealworms way before I'd eat a fucking cockroach. My question is how expensive are these damn pythons?

Because you just shoot me a message and just say, oh, I'm going to go eat a bunch of cockroaches or there's a twenty five dollar python. I have no idea to win. And actually just get you a python. Let me look this up. How much to buy a python? This is according to Matthew Karwacky.

He was there, of course, he was. Because he was a student. Normally, ball pythons cost about 50 bucks. Fifty dollars. Yep. OK, not that expensive. Matthew Karwacky, he was there and you know, he was there because I love this line. It was pretty disgusting, but I like to participate in the reptile community. I don't mind putting on a show.

And you see, I guess if you really want a snake, you can eat a hell of a lot of bugs. Yes, you can. And of course, you know, he was there because he is a student at the Florida Career College in Lauderdale Lake. I mean, this was eight years ago. So hopefully he's graduated and hopefully he is plumbing your toilet right now or taking care of your car or dating your daughter. Come on the show, side stories, LPL, Gmail, to come. We're going to have everybody on the show in one big all of the guests

that we need to cover all of the various corrections and all of the different things in just one episode. If we can bang them out, you were just fantasizing about having a whack pack, which is what you've been doing ever since. You ever since your word is way into your head. You wanted to whack back. I want to whack back. But you have to. You have to. The problem is that once you have a whack pack, you have to take care of it. Yes, I know. I feel like having a dog.

You got to wrangle those cats. It's much more difficult than having a dog. You got to walk them. You got to get them their booze. You got to get them their free coffee, a couple of nights at a cheap hotel. Anyway, over the course of the night, let's just go into what he ate. Yeah, no, I've got to do it. Eddie Archbold, he ate more than 60 grams of mealworms, 35, three inch long, super air quotes, super worms, which, you know, I got to say, I knew you had to get in with the mealworms,

but I didn't realize that they were three inch long super worms. I think that the person running this competition is getting a little bit of greed. I think he's getting a little greedy with content. And also what's he doing with the cameras? Well, what do you say? Billman trying to sell this for smut because, you know, there is like that. No, remember that haunted house that people used to go to sign all the waivers in the world and basically like, I think the guy's still in trouble.

Oh, yeah. I wonder what would the. Well, I want to watch somebody eat a mealworm. Well, the all sign released forms and they were allowed to appear, but this might have been before that apparently what he said is that too many people showed up for the contest. So we had to provide other things for them to eat because he didn't have enough cockroaches. They shouldn't eat in a fricking python.

But apparently that would have been cool. Eat a python, get a python, buy one, get one. I mean, the problem is, is that what do we do with all this? What do we do? How do we get the extra pythons that we need? Well, I was thinking maybe there would be less competitors. We all did. Yeah. But he tried to eat up half of a bucket full of these discoyed roaches.

But apparently then he started vomiting after the last concert and he collapsed outside of the store. Now, apparently what I didn't know cockroaches, they shed a lot of allergens. But if as long as they are not in the wild, they're not necessarily toxic in and of themselves. They send to very few human cultures, this is according to Dr. Bill Kern, they tend very few human cultures tend to eat cockroaches because they store large amounts of uric acid in nitrogenous waste.

And they tend to be scavengers and feed on things most people wouldn't consider to be desirable. Well, and of course, you can imagine a cockroach lover, such as the owner of this store would say, hey, you know what? My cockroaches are very well taken care of. These aren't your average run of the day cockroaches. And so he pushed back a little bit, saying his cockroaches were raised in a sterile container from time to time.

They'd eat little critters, but they were perfectly safe to eat. Now, does this man who owns the Python zoo or owns this little weird insectivorium? I'm not sure what this store is called. Does he know what the hell he's talking about? No, I'm going to go with the doctor. I'm just going to say that no one knows. Also, because given given the fact that the guy violently died.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he died, but they don't know what killed him. And I think we know a little bit what killed him. What do you mean? They don't know what killed him. They don't know. It wasn't a broken heart, Henry. It was all of the mealworms and cockroaches. Yeah, but they don't know why those were the ones that killed him, except for the fact that apparently cockroaches can bring about a shellfish allergy.

It's the same allergy that you can get. So if you're allergic to shellfish, it might kill you. This is why the lobster, the most overrated of all foods, cockroaches of the sea. I don't. I am going to get a fight. I don't like the lobster anymore. Like lobster. I like it more than I like. Honestly, hamburgers.

No, you do not. I love lobster. I love a pile of lobster. So you're telling me, hmm, well, now I'm talking surf and turf. Hmm. It really did. I'm just saying the lobster. Maybe I went a little lobster crazy two years ago because there was a place in Brooklyn. I think it was called Lobster Shack or the one in Green Coat.

Yeah, come with your company. Yeah, come like the lobster or something like that. It was really good. But if you're eating every day, you get used to it. Well, but you know what I can never do is crack open the lobster. So now I'm in a fight with this dead animal. And it's just driving your personal inadequacy. This is not about the lobster.

But then when you get the lobster, it's just, my God, at least when you kill a cow, you have so much meat. So much meat. I mean, I agree. That's my only problem. And that's my problem with crawfish because they suck the brains out. But you're supposed to be like either in a fancy restaurant with a big, big bar, and you're supposed to be outside in Boston. You got a big big bar.

And other way, the bib is what you're there for. You don't really. It's a fun to do. It's a whole you have to wear a special outfit to eat. Yeah. Well, I do like the culture. I do. Just yes. It reminds me of every John Candy holiday movie. But I'm just saying there's not enough meat in it for Ben.

That's all. Apparently, Karnak Karwaki, the guy who was originally quoted, he's like, I just had one roach and I've tapped out after that. The taste did not suit me. But the texture for sure was the worst part. So you see, because if you could look inside a dirty gutter and scoop up what's in there, that's what went through my head. All the other contestants just kept eating roaches, but I had to look away. And keep in mind, this isn't really approved.

This is a man who ate a shitload of mealworms to get to the phase where he got to eat a sewage filled bug. But apparently, though, this specific ivory ball python that they were going for was worth eight hundred and fifty dollars. OK, so that. All right. So we're talking a grand in 2012, Tampa Money. We're looking at 50 grand, 50 grand. So I get the motivation.

And the sad thing is for the poor man who died, Mr. Arch, Archbold, Betty Archbold, um, he just wanted to find love. And this is how he was going to do it. He left behind two daughters ages six and nine. Say that to me. It's very sad. And then Joe Ellis, a snake breeder from Virginia Beach. He heard about Archbold's death and he was really worried about what it would mean

for the reptile breeding community, because he says, even though we can look at his freaks, most people in the reptile community are extremely intelligent businessman doctors and very compassionate with the animals, which I do. I believe you know, I see a lot of doctors with snakes, but I believe that they are nice. You know, that's so much scarier when he's just like, we hide in plain sight. It's like, no, I don't I don't want to know. I don't want to know that my doctor is maybe maybe going to eat a bunch

of cockroaches to get a python. I mean, is he's going to check out my balls later and I would prefer if he wasn't like in debt. If you found out your doctor is at a cockroach eating content to win his fucking snake, I think that you should just like, first of all, be thankful you have health insurance and just go back to the doctor because you're stuck with them because they have your files. Because as hard as it is, you have to go back and you get the files

transferred to somebody, but the thing is, you do get to say when he every single time you sit with a doctor and he fucking lectures you about your lifestyle and how fat you are, like how you need to be eating less fucking meat and shit. And be like, I saw you eat cockroach. It's good to get two days ago. It's good to get leverage on your doctor always. But because he's the one with the forms, yeah, he feels out how healthy you are.

That's the thing. But if he just writes down that you don't have cancer and you do, you still do. So if you can't be like, oh, I have cancer. Well, how about this affair that you're having with your secretary? And then he's like, never mind, but you still do. Yeah, but in my mind for a while, I don't have cancer until I just fucking collapse. All right. Honestly, the story just takes such a sad turn when he has two daughters, ages

six and nine, who obviously now are, oh my goodness, 17 and, oh, still babies. I believe 15 or so. So that's really sad. I don't hope they still like snakes. I don't care. I hope that they happy. I hope they happy. I hope they happy as well.

That's very sad. Anyway, speaking of weird food, should we just go right over to Europe? I love. This is a good story. This was one of my favorite cities we got to visit in the UK. Oh, so beautiful. I can't fucking wait to go back. Oh my God.

How did your dad die? Well, he was in a cockroach eating competition. It's so sad. It's hard, man. Your whole life is marred by this. It's like upset. Yeah, because you are of the same DNA as that man. It's very sad.

I won't even eat a lobster. I don't think about the shame that Puffin would have. Oh my goodness. No, Puffin has been getting into it quite enough. Yes. Anyway. So this story is, I think this could only happen in Scotland. And it was a really fun, but this is a series of stories.

I want to cover this one and the next one that are all about celebrating human ingenuity and how no matter what, people can surprise you. They constantly can. Oh, every day, never, never believe you have somebody pegged because they could do something very surprising like this. Edinburgh woman bit off a man's tongue in a street brawl before a seagull swooped down and ate it. Now, I have to say this to the woman's credit.

This is what you got to do. Eyeballs, tongues, balls, buttholes, ears, go for the soft surfaces. I always push a man over and they're ripped. I get it through his jeans. I give you that. That's called Alistair Crowley, cross my God. Oh, crap. My God.

I love it. So this story. All right. Listen to her tactics. Okay. James Mackenzie. He spat out of his tad fucking lick. Let me just get into this story right here.

Let me start from the top. All right. According to prosecutor Susan Dixon, this comes from the Edinburgh nose. The pair clashed. It's the it is the man's name. Who's the victim is James Mackenzie and the woman Bethany Ryan 27 years fun is the assaulter. Right.

So they said the pair clashed as they as they passed each other on leaf walk at her on 8 p.m. on August 4th, 2019. This is a while ago. Okay. Yeah. This is being like on the fucker. None the fucker. Oh my goodness.

I don't know why they're yelling at each other. Deleted scenes from every Mel Gibson movie. I mean, that's how every Scottish war actually began. Showed each other there and fucking knobby knees and making fun of each other's penises. Not even lying. I got into 10 fights when I was there and I didn't cause one of them. You didn't.

Mrs. Dixon said that the pair were strangers, but an argument had developed between them. The court heard Ryan had tried to walk away from the confrontation. The Mackenzie then continued to be aggressive towards Ryan. And then he approached her with a clenched fist. All right. So he says, oh, you leave me. All right. So Mrs. Dixon said, Miss Ryan, then somewhat oddly, she responded to him by pushing him

onto his body and beginning to kiss him. Right. This is the best fight I've ever been a part of. This is going great for me. She's a handful of a woman. You can tell just by her shape. Miss Ryan, somewhat oddly, she gets up in there. She starts kissing him.

And this is how stupid fucking men are. That we just gave it. Right. Normally we pick it up now. I'm starting Australian. Normally it's a bit of a mix. So she kissed him on the lips. Right.

And then as she's kissing him, she latches onto his tongue with her teeth and then bites it off. I got to say that was a passionate first kiss. That's fucking crazy. The tongue. So she's got to actually, you got to use spaghetti tactics. You got to suck in the tongue and then you got to slam down so hard. This is actually the women of Scotland.

I can attest. She is just she's how they are. They're very strong, proud, beautiful, very jagged teeth. Bite the tongue right out of your mouth. Mr. Mackenzie, he walked off and he spat his chunk of his tongue out. Oh, you're going to want to hold on to that. And then as he spat it out, he just watched the seagull just swoop down. Picked it up and fucking flew away with it.

Just another day being a seagull in Scotland. Wow. But you know, I have to say, unfortunately for the seagull there, the people of Scotland, they probably taste similar to the food of Scotland, not to dis. You got to fry. Everything. You got to salt it. You got to salt it.

My only advice to anyone in Scotland, put a little salt in there. Put a little bit of salt, a little bit of pepper. Condiments exist. It won't poison you. If you just put a little bit of spice, it's something you'd be amazing with. I think you'd be amazing what it does to food. So this man is living in a perverted Disney movie where instead of having a pigeon come down and help him get dressed, rather seagulls just eat anything that he discards from his

mouth, including his own tongue. But in a way, it's kind of cute, isn't it? It is kind of cute because maybe they can end up together because apparently Bethany Ryan, she pled guilty into assaulting James Mackenzie by pushing him on the body, kissing him and biting off part of his tongue to his severe injury and permanent disfigurement of his tongue. So she just decided, it's just like, yeah, I'm guilty. Well, I think he doesn't have a tongue.

I'm guilty. Well, there's a lot of evidence to say she may have been. I was hungry. Oh, well, there was obviously the large laceration. They say it was oozing blood. However, he did not require surgery because there was no tongue to reattach. They got to do what they do with Bobbit. You got to find the dick and you got to find the tongue.

But at this point, I suppose it's in the hands of the seagulls. They're going to do waterboard every fucking seagull on the leaf walk. It's like, how are we going to find it? Who's got this tongue? I don't know how you're going to do it. But perhaps this is the man who perfects Cunalingus with the first ever flat tongue, bionic tongue. What if it's, sir, we can rebuild it? She loves it.

Wow. This woman is dead. Oh, God, this is another story that it's about ingenuity of because, you know, work sucks. Right? Work does suck in many, many ways. This is a story that I really love because, again, it's about creativity and it's about rolling with the punches just because the cop catches you while you're doing something you're completely guilty of.

What you can do is deny, deny, deny. Well, the law doesn't necessarily mean good or bad. It doesn't necessarily mean something immoral. No. It would just be just because it's illegal. There's difference between legal and right. Absolutely. Frickin' too late.

And I'm going to say this man was more right than legal. Well, I would say he was, hmm, he was morally fine. He was wrong because he's a fucking moron. Yeah. But he was creative. And I wish that I wished him well. Arizona man accused of faking his own kidnapping to evade work. But you know what's nice?

He didn't take it to murder, did he? No. He had a family and everyone knows, oh, he got kidnapped. He'll be back. He's watched a lot of Liam Neeson movies. But the murder, that would make you really sad if you're like, he's dead if you left a fake blood trail. Sure.

Absolutely. But this whole thing is that he did this so we can hang out with these fucking boys so they knew he was dead. They knew that he wasn't dead and he told them all that he did this. This is from Coolidge, Arizona. This is the ABC 15 from Arizona. Coolidge police arrested a man who claimed he had been kidnapped near First Street in Avenue.

Around 5.25 PM on February 10th, police say they found 19-year-old Brandon Soles near a water tower with his hands bound behind his back and a bandana stuck in his mouth. Soles told police. That's how people get kidnapped. That's what happens. Of course, right by the water tower. That's a place where you drop off a kidnap victim. Why wouldn't you?

Soles told police he was kidnapped by two masked men who were Asian. Did he go with Asian? No, no, no. He says the men knocked him unconscious and drove him around in a vehicle before leaving him by a water tower. Coolidge detectives conducted an investigation that found no evidence that a kidnapping or assault had occurred. Officers say that when they looked at the surveillance video to corroborate his story of him being

hit over the head and stuff in his car in front of his home, they saw no signs of his story being true. He also alleged that the kidnapping occurred because of a large amount of money his father had hidden in various places around town. Do we know that's true? Yeah, also fabricated. Although in Arizona, to be fair, if you're going to hide anything, Arizona's the place to do it.

Absolutely. There is so much frickin' land in Arizona. And so much like brown land. You'll never find the damn money again. You'll never know. He said then he... But then that could be the adventure for someone like, oh my god, when they go look for Curly's gold.

Yeah, Billy Crystal. Yeah, but it's really just a pedophile ring. Yeah, but Billy Crystal is also, he's too old to be on a horse anymore. Oh, I hope you stay on the ground, Billy. So then he was arrested on February 17th for false reporting to a police and then immediately admitted that he had made up the story as an excuse to get out of work during his interview and then he was immediately fired at his job at the Tire Factory. You know, the Tire Factory.

I'm just so happy there's a factory that only specializes in tires. It's called the Tire Factory, so I actually assume it's a bar or restaurant because it seems like... It's in Canada. Oh no, it's in Arizona and it seems like a fun thing. Let me look this up. I don't know if tire factories are called the Tire Factory. They're usually called plumpies, plumpies automotive.

It seems a little bit too... No, it's an auto repair shop. It is. Okay. I'm looking at it right now. You can buy tires online and they'll just send them to you anywhere. It's now hiring as well. Tell them that they...

You will buy tires from them only if they rehire Mr. Souls who showed the ingenuity it takes to get out of work and also commit a crime. Commit a crime. Commit some more of a lie than a crime. What's up with the manager? If he doesn't feel comfortable enough, calling the manager and saying, faking a sickness. Fake a sickness. And then you go out to the bar.

Okay. And then you get a scratchy voice for real. That's the key. What's important is with all of your lies, this is important tips for all of our listeners. Add a layer of truth. When I used to lie about having to go in the office for, say now it's sick, what I would do is the night before, when I knew I wasn't going to go into work tomorrow, I maybe had something to do with it.

I'd get so black out drunk that when I woke up, it sounded like I was very sick. And then they have to believe you. I also was. And at the end of the day, they don't really care. No, I mean, they sometimes do. They get mad. You get fired. Not in corporate though, so much.

I think if you work at the tire factory, it's more like, we really needed you today because there's only three of us and there's four tires on this cart. I don't know. I know when I worked at corporate job, they were really very upset with me all the times that I did it. Yeah, but it's corporate upset. But then I was the first fired during the recessions. I was like first, not even, it was like there's recession broke that information, but the

stock market fell like that morning and I was fired that afternoon. Oh, I would love to see the picture of you that was taken for CNN with your box as your old disheveled and sad and much more overweight and be like, they're recessions hitting middle class Americans hard. And you'd be like, I was a temp. I was a temp to firm, so I kind of was in between. Yeah, I was never supposed to be. I'm an actor.

They forgot they hired me. Oh, well, anyway, so if you're going to get out of work, I understand you want to get out of work, but you just got to be a little bit less intense. I'm going to say that Mr. Soles, 19 years young, you want to be less intense. Yes. You don't need to fake the kidnapping. There's so many ways. How many to think about this, right?

Your grandpa break your own foot. Your grandpa can die like three times within several years. Well, you have four grandparents. So that's boom, boom, boom. And so never tell them and never tell them when your grandparents actually died. No, that's your secret only for you. That's your real life. Your box should never know your real life.

So you should have a whole separate whole world inside of your job where they think that you're together and you're ready to go and you do stuff, but they don't know anything about your real life. You don't let them know anything is happening in your apartment. So they say, oh, you get six, six. You get six sick days a year, which oh, that's enough. Okay. But you also have four grandparents.

That's four more. Two more. Okay. So you can do a long weekend if you correctly position your grandparent to be maybe within your tri-state area. You could extend it, but we're looking at eight more or six more vacation days counting the parents' deaths. And then if you have any siblings whatsoever, you can just say that they died anytime.

And then, of course, you also get three friend deaths a year because it's Arizona is doing math. Yeah. So we'll just die. But here's also, can I also tell another small more tip if you're going to tell a story to your boss that someone has died or like, and you're closer to the person who's died, tell them that you said that they're going to die, that you killed them in your mind to your boss just so I think it alleviates some of the magical like nature of wishing

your friends dead just so you can go and play rock star video games. With the friends. Yes. Yeah. All right. Well, I think that's great advice. If you don't want to be employed, listen to everything we just said, otherwise, again, I do think we need to have people.

They deserve some time off. They do. Everybody's working them. We're working the fingers down to the bone. You know what, buddy? I got to talk about this. You know, it's a cliche conversation, but it continues to happen because they continue to happen with the gender reveals.

This is a relatively new phenomenon we never experienced. I honestly have barely have any fucking clue what this shit is and I don't know why it's become a thing. It seems to me like the stories of gender reveals are never like the outcome is either, oh, we know it's a boy or a girl, which we could easily have just told you. We could have had some drink and fucking fly and shit. Or it ends with. Yeah.

So it ends with we know it's a boy or a girl or it ends with death. And in one of those things, you can just tell me you don't need to risk anything. I don't even need a big lunch. You can just tell me because in the end, you tell me, why are you telling your childless like dude, bro, friends? I don't care. I don't care. I just want.

I wanted to be alive for you and I want you to be happy. I want your shit to be OK so that I don't we don't have to get sad at night when we drink. Unfortunately for this child, his father or its child or its I'm not even sure what the except we were excited about holding McNeely is having something. Well, that if that if there was a gender reveal, it would just come out as purple because we don't know boy, girl, what's in between? I have no clue.

Anybody can be anything. Anybody can be fucking anything. Well, I understand, but they don't make a color for that for the gender reveal. Fucking splat them. So the authorities have said the explosion at this gender reveal killed Christopher Peckney, twenty eight and injured his twenty and injured his twenty seven year old brother, Michael Peckney. These people are so fucking stupid.

He's a victim. Christopher was the father of the child to be. Yes. I don't think so. I think he did it to himself. Well, it sounds like bloopers from the Taliban. He was building the device for this child's gender reveal party when the device exploded. So this wasn't even at like this wasn't even the reveal.

He was tinkering away like some kind of bizarre fellow who used to live in the woods, Kazinsky, Kazinsky. We're just a baby planters. We're just stupiding ourselves down into the gutter. Like this is so fucking stupid. For what reason? Because there's not a lot to do in a pandemic. There's so many other things to do besides blow yourself up with the bomb.

There's many other options. There's other things to do than that, but he didn't want to blow himself up with the bomb. He wanted to make a gender reveal bomb, which is cute. And the bomb should have known it's a cute bomb, not a mean killing bomb. But the bomb didn't know that because the bomb doesn't have feelings. You know how you do it is that you have a you get a higher like a hot girl to go, it's a pipe bomb.

Oh, that does make it that makes it a sex bomb. Ooh, now you're really getting me going. It's got nails in it. Oh my. Well, the New York state police. I don't I don't want to hear about it. I can fix you, Ben. Thank you so much.

I don't want your life. New York state police responded to the reports of the explosion. It was at 1155 in the morning. It was at Liberty. And apparently I believe it was later on that day that people were supposed to come over and to be like, what kind of baby you having? Oh my God, I don't want to say that, but apparently they're having a fatherless baby. Jesus fucking Christ.

There is no dad. Yeah, man. He blew himself up. Isn't that sad? That's what happens every story. So sad. Because these children are left by the wayside by their stupid fucking fathers. They just didn't even think about it.

They didn't think about it for a second that what forces they were messing with, whether they were making explosions or they were eating so many cockroaches so that they could win a snake. Just stop blowing yourself up. Also, I'm just getting reminded right of play. You know what I mean? I would much rather. Yeah, it's embarrassing that father is a performance artist.

But guess what? Who cares? Father also made the world's tallest hat. Father is the world's longest nails. Father made a fake skeleton out of a guitar, and maybe, yeah, it was a bit of a lie. But guess what? At least it's creative. Those are all habits that a father would do or hobbies a father would have to avoid

their children. Yeah. Isn't that nice? But you don't want the father there all the time. Currently, there's no charges being filed. I think that's because the person who was building it, yeah, the guy's dead. I'm not even sure why they would need to clarify that. But also don't forget the El Dorado fire that burned 19,000 acres.

That was a gender reveal party too. I remember it. I'm beginning to think we don't need to know. I am starting to think that. What happens to these? What happens to these kids? I just watched that South Park episode of South Park. How do I reach these kids?

But what happens? Cheat. Cheat. You are literally the progeny of suicidal morons. Like you are, you are the, it's like, I pray and that does nothing. Prayer does nothing. That's bad. No.

You better be better than your father. I just don't know when, I just don't know when the explosions came into being when it comes to the gender reveal party. It's got nothing to do with the kids. It's got all to do with the fathers. Also, it's got all to do with these fucking parents all just wanting to feel like something because the problem is that you have the child and then it's like, oh yeah, what a happy day.

All fun is over. Yeah. Then it's fucking everything's over. I mean also. I know some people love kids. Not this show. This is not one of those shows. We might have a mommy baby fun show at some point, but not us.

Well, I'll have a kid. But the kid, you know, I'm not going to blow something up to be like, it's a kid. No. Because that's ridiculous. How many miscarriages because of these big explosions? I don't know, man. I don't know so many questions. I just want like, just to have a party with hors d'oeuvres.

It would be fun because then you could have hot dogs or a boy. Yeah, hot dogs for peaches. For a little girl. You are disgusting. Yes. You could have little cookies in the shape of penises or little cookies in the shape of a vagina. And then it'd be like, and you see, and you're like, how do you make this more disgusting?

Can you use explosives? I actually can go back to exploding things because this is disgusting. Oh, yes. You're going to want to lick it and then you'll notice. Just have a fucking baby shower. I don't think they talk about it. The baby showers just have a baby shower. People.

People are very strange about the gender. They like to keep it a secret. They should. It means whatever. Because also the kids going to find out later on. Start playing with whatever they got. Yeah. The kids going to figure out what the hell it is.

What? Down the block. You're going to figure. You're all so fucking stupid. Whatever. Anyway. I feel nothing. I feel rage.

Only just because I like, you know, we just, God, we just, China's going to beat us. Well, that's what this shows me. China's going to win. Before we get to here of the week, we do have to talk about this light hair. Do you want to talk about this lighthearted story in Ukraine? Did you see this one? This one is the guy. There's this Ukrainian dude.

This story is so freaking. I actually am going to say the word cute. This Ukrainian dude was like, I murdered a bunch of people and he did that. So the cops would be forced to go to his house. Why does he want the cops to go to his house? Because there's a bunch of snow on his road. So he figured that the cops would have to plow his road to get to him, to detain him for confessing to a murder that never happened.

At which point, I guess he would just say, thanks for helping me with the snow. I didn't do anything. And then he would laugh at them. But this comes from a culture where they're not afraid of their police. It's Ukraine. No, but still, I know the Ukraine's hardest prisons. I watched that one. The one where they buying the fucking hands back and they put you in that was a stress

position and they walk you from place to place. If you watch the world's toughest prisons, it is nice to know the U.S. right up there, though. I almost think the U.S. is more brutal than Russia in some ways. Because Russia, they get to run around more. It's very, very scary. Unless they're in court, then they're in their cage. But it's just one of those where, what would happen in America?

So Yulia Kovtun, so he said, you should come and get me. He called the cops. He said, you should come and get me. But make sure you come with a snow plow because there's no way to come get me. When they got there, they discovered that the relative that he talked about murdering was there. And he said, sorry, guys. Was he freaking Jerry Lewis of Ukraine?

But can you imagine what would happen if you did this in St. Louis? Oh, you're dead. They would just take your fucking head and they'd bounce it against the fucking cop car. Well, you get arrested for making a false police report. I mean, I think he did. What happened to the guy who kidnapped himself. Oh, yeah. I think he did.

And unfortunately for him, apparently there wasn't that much snow because the cops didn't have to use a snow plow. They just used an SUV and drove to his house. This is according to the police spokesperson. She says immediately after arriving, they discovered the relative was indeed at the house, but in one piece and unharmed, no one had been attacked. And then the killer air quotes killer immediately was like, I did it. I did it.

It was me because he didn't like how the menincible snow plows cleared his road earlier in the day. I almost think this guy could be here of the week. Not quite though, because it's still a false police report, but you got to get those roads plowed. You got to get it done. Right. Ukraine knows how to handle snow.

They're not. They're not Atlanta. I feel like Ukraine's got to step up their game and if this person, how bad is it where this person has to confess to killing someone who he didn't kill just to get a freaking snow plow out there? I don't know. I think that it's a crux when it comes down to it, did his, did his, uh, were his civil needs not met?

Yes. Yes. But when it comes down to it, who knows? Because maybe it's better for him to, if you don't understand, if you're not getting your house play, if you can't get out of your own house, think of it as a blessing because then you're like, I guess I don't got to go work today because there's too much snow with her. And I'm not sure what jobs are in Ukraine right now.

Rock. You got to break rocks. There's the route gathering for all of the weird peasant soup. You have to go. You have to chase the golem. There's so many different hobbies in Ukraine. I think I'll do the chasing the golem. Oh, it would be so fun.

They're a little claymen. Yeah. I think that'd be fun. All right. Now it is time for Hero of the Week. And you know what? I'm sorry. I just have three of them.

So it is what it is. You're just rolling. I'm just rolling through all three of these ones that we, that we have because it's amazing. So it's lent. So you know, for the Catholics, they put the ash on their cross so they know it gets to stay away and stuff. Yeah. Anyway, that's just a little joke there.

If you did that all power to you, good on you, whatever. Have fun. Clean it off. Whatever. A Cincinnati man for lent has given up all food and most, and most all beverages except for beer. Isn't this interesting? You can just flip a beer.

Except for beer. For 46 days, this fellow, his name is Dale Hall. He is going on a beer only diet plus water, black coffee and herbal tea because you need the black coffee with the beer. And this is his third straight year in a row doing it for lent. Evidently, his family hasn't fallen apart. His goals are simple. He wants to lose weight and help local restaurants and bars during the pandemic.

And he's helping. He's asking others to help too. This is what Hall explains. He says, I only have three to five beers a day. I'm not like drinking constantly. Not constantly. If you eat your standard diet, it gets boring. You don't eat the same thing every day.

So I am definitely not going to drink the same thing every day. Wow. He loses 40, 50 pounds getting all of his calories from beer, which is actually a great diet. This is awesome. This guy is a hero. He is a hero. Apparently also the there is a last podcast on the left like weight loss group that is

starting up. And I want all fucking good. This is a good way to start. Yes. Absolutely. Why not? I'm gonna say this sounds great. So Mr. Hall, you are one third of here of the week.

The other hero of the week is a dispensary. They are called territory territory dispensary and they give a friend or anyone who buys a new dog, they give them pre rolls. Isn't that nice? That's really sweet. I will say don't buy the dog for the weed though. Make sure you love the dog and make sure it can be taken care of. Oh yeah.

But man, fucking in Jersey legalized it as well. Very nice. So if you take a puppy home, the dogs are $280. These are $280 and dogs are $120. They're all spayed and neutered and vaccinated. And you will also get five pre rolled joints with each adoption. So that is very nice. So go there and get a dog.

If you need a dog and get some joints, it's really exciting. Yes. Kelly Fox of Territory says at our first event, we adopted out 14 dogs that are second. We adopted out 12 plus four that were not ready for adoption in the time of the first event. So there you go. So good job. Thank you so much for giving out that sweet weed territory dispensary.

And just lastly, Alex Trebek, the gift that keeps on giving all of Alex Trebek's TV wardrobe. Thank God it's not going to a museum where we can just feel bad that we can't fit into said suit, which is literally all that the rock and roll hall of fame is. It's just tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny clothes. Alex Trebek's clothes. He has donated. He has donated them to the homeless and to people who are leaving jail. And it's really awesome.

So many suits. Well, yeah, his son, Matthew Trebek is the one who began this donation process. There were currently 300 neckties, 58 dress shirts, 25 polo shirts, 15 belts, 14 suits and nine sports coats. And this is all being done through the Doe Fund program. So you know, it's really sweet because a lot of times people will take those types of articles of historic television value and they sell them. Exactly.

But we come all over them and kill a bunch of people and kill our family will learn. Matthew Trebek. Just lastly, again, that's Alex's son. He says, I love the idea of guys getting a second chance to go on interviews and feel presentable in my dad's clothes. My dad had a large wardrobe for Jeopardy. It's always Jeopardy with an exclamation mark. In Jeopardy.

Because they take five shows a day, two days a week. It all just kind of clicked also five shows a day for two days a week. It's such a great schedule. Because five shows, by the third show, you're in the room. Boom, boom, boom. You're in the next day. You're like, sweet. Yeah.

Because Alex Trebek, like, he liked getting loose, but he was so good at it. He didn't even know. Well, he had all the answers. I mean, when you have the vodka, when you have all the answers, you don't have to have the middleman that is the brain, but he must absorb something. He must have been very smart. He was smart in his own right. But pleasure a woman anyway.

Those are heroes of the week. Here we go. This is some listener emails. Here we go. This is from a massage therapist, Kissel. You should take your pants off in your underwear when you get your massage. We cover your parts with the sheets. And yes, I do massage ass cheeks.

It is honestly my most favorite part to massage because it's squishy and muscly and you can just pound on there with your knuckles and elbows. Please try it. It doesn't sell me on it whatsoever. That sounds horrifying. It sounds like he's doing it for himself as a nice looking woman. Oh my God. So next thing you know, they're going to want to vote.

Oh, I've been an advocate for women voting for a long time. I remember. I remember when you changed as an entomologist, I always enjoyed when you guys bring up insects in some way or form when you're covering a topic. And most in one of the more current episodes, like monsters, you all joked about how in the far future of last podcast and left, you'll be talking about how bugs are kind of evil. And I'm here to tell you, they aren't just kind of evil. Oh, no, some were full on psychopath territory evil when you look at them.

What? Well, I'm not going to go into depth about how all bugs are insects yet not all insects are bugs. I'm already mad. I will tell you some fun facts about these creepy crawlies that will hopefully shine a light on how ghastly some truly are. Okay. Starting up with the most Macaulayah mosquito spread diseases that murder millions of people

per year. And by the time you finish reading this email, a child or two will have died from malaria. Wow. I think something good that I learned about mosquitoes, they protect their rainforest because it makes it so inhabitable for humans. I know. But then there's also been a lot of talk about eliminating mosquitoes altogether because scientists have talked because of how much they ravage human kind.

They're not quite certain. They know people eat them like animals. Other animals eat them. Yeah. But no animal wants to. I don't know. Yeah. But they've been talking about maybe, but then they're kind of worried about like, it

might be bad if we just get rid of an entire bug, but we've gotten rid of so much. We'll see what happens. We'll see what happens. There's a type of fly called the horse spot fly that lay their eggs around a horse's eyes, mouth, nose, and legs. As the horse licks the areas where the eggs are in annoyance, the eggs hatch into larvae and they migrate to the horse's fucking stomach. Once inside the nice warm and squishy stomach of said horse, the larvae will attach the

mucus lining and just hang out there and develop until they hit a certain stage of development and then they shit them out. Okay. That was fun. Well, this is the horse. The horse lives and he's got a little, it's like the Trojan horse, I suppose, in many ways. Yeah.

I think it's like the Trojan horse. So then the bugs just start their life in horse shit and go from there. Yeah. Kind of our story is that. Yeah, but you live yourself up by your fly bootstraps. Yes. And lastly, we have the bombardier beetle, which literally shoots burning hot acidic liquid from its ass and its enemies, which is actually pretty sweet.

I've seen, I've watched videos of these before. Dude, I love it. I love nature. I do sometimes like it. It's good to watch it on TV on a big screen in the comforts of not being in nature. I like, yeah, I like seeing on my TV. Yeah. Because then it's like awesome.

Although true talk, I can't watch anything with horses. I can't watch anything with dogs anymore. No cats, anything that had Cookie Monster, Jerry goes crazy. He really does. Jerry goes crazy. So I can't watch. If I play a video game, I was playing Ghost of Tsushima and I couldn't even ride the horse.

He got freaked out by the horse. So I had to run everywhere. Interesting. It added another three hours to the game. You might have to wear headphones. No, he's seen it on the TV. He sees it. He sees it.

He sees it. That's so strange. Anyway. Here we go. Henry mentioned being afraid or I guess preferring to know he's going to die. I'm here to advocate for have no idea you're going to die. This summer I got shot at or rather I was shot in the face and I was a very lucky bitch. I was in my truck up here in the land of a thousand lakes.

I was out late and some random ass dude rambled on up next to me in his car and fired directly in my head in my car. Reason? None. I got shot out. Now I'm just look I'm just pulled up looking at my phone and suddenly a car next to me and boom I'm dead and some loud ass noise has gone off next to me. Lo and behold I got shot in the fucking face.

I got crazy lucky and drove and drove off kind of like a bat out of hell and I'm alive and fine a month after. So Henry I can genuinely say dying fasting so scary I got nice and close to it and I can honestly say the fear is in knowing or in surviving getting killed. The only time I was scared at all was when I looked in the rear-frame mirror and realized I was alive but shot and wanted to keep doing that whole living thing. Wow. So I'm glad you're alive.

Absolutely. Be safe out there my God. That really is a scary idea just someone coming up and popping you when you're on that. That's why I got a big truck. I'm high up there. It's called living with what I have which is called intrusive thoughts and I think about it all the time. Well it's not necessarily intrusive if it's a possibility.

It's true. Isn't that right? I'm trying to find more. I'm trying to build bridges. By the way just speaking of intrusive thoughts we're going to start flying here again if we could get the planes engines to stay on the planes because there's another story about a plane. That was very scary.

There was two. There was two. Another one that just the plane fell apart. Very scary. So I know the planes they were stressed with COVID in 2020. They got lazy just like all of us. The planes got fat. Yep.

I guess so. Yeah. Quarantine 15. Quarantine 15 get the planes on the diet because we've got to make sure they just don't fall apart up there. And speaking of being because the reason we're going to get on planes because we have a show coming up in Tennessee. Can't wait.

We're going to be coming out. I believe it is May 15th. The tickets are Patreon only until Friday. It's at a venue called the Caverns, which I'm really, really excited for. It's named after Henry's butt crack. No. Mine's more like a little crag, isn't that nice? I don't have a lot of space in there.

You've seen it. Of course. Yes. That's right. So Patreon get those tickets now. They are selling fast. And then Friday, this Friday, you can get those tickets for the general population. Yeah.

We can't. We can't wait. This is the beginning of the beginning of the end of this nightmare. Bullshit. We are going to do it. We're trying to get that fouchy out. She too. I don't know when the hell we're going to get it.

But, you know, in New York, you can be legally fat enough for that. We talked about this. I know. So if you're in New York, get that Chinese food down your gullet also. I know it's cliche and you don't know what you got to what's gone. Don't have some New York pizza for me. Oh, my God. If you have some New York pizza for me, pizza wagon in Brooklyn, I'm going to have to shout

them out. That's actually the closest I've had to New York pizza. I can't. I can't get on board. Really? I'm very sorry. The breadsticks were not good enough. The breadsticks are not good.

But you know, actually, if you could do it, truly, if you pop them back in the oven, they're really good. You got to pop them in the oven when you get them because then you get them crispy. You know what I tried? Hmm. Slice of LA. This I liked because it's not Brooklyn and it's not Papa John's. It's right in the middle.

That's fine because in the end, I don't expect LA pizza to be New York pizza. I don't mind LA pizza if it's just its own thing. It's exactly. No, it's not pizza. It's LA pizza. I'm stopped. That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm stopping the chase for Brooklyn pizza and I'm just all right, changing your mouth,

changing it, changing your mouth, getting back into tacos. So have some pizza for me if you're out there in Brooklyn and go and hug the person you see on the street. Just run right up to him and just give him a big hug every day knowing for a fact that we're about to be forced to go back to the wheels of capitalism and know that and love the fact that you're going to be put to the lash by all of your bosses. Everyone's going to be forcing us to work because they're going to act as if we haven't been working for the last year inside.

But then what they're going to do is they're going to double down on it because it's going to be it's going to be like this weird transition time for a lot of people that want to go back to work. Absolutely. But I also why would we go to offices? Why are we even going to offices? There should no offices, one good thing, they should just dissolve into nothing but fun playgrounds for adults.

You go there just for public bathrooms and then they better not close the public bathrooms. No, we need these because we need toilets. Absolutely. LA needs more toilets. By the looks of it, everyone's making do with what they know and then that's why I still haven't seen as much human dump New York will always have more human dumps on the street. San Francisco is the credit.

Being a human dump. But but you know, you can stumble upon a human. Oh, yeah, of course. Everyone's well if you're lucky. And then you can laugh. That means it's going to be a good day. I mean, like I left it in mine inside. All right, everyone, well, thank you for listening.

We hope we brightened your day a little bit talking about just uplifting stories. Such uplifting stories. And if you are a father, just please God, no, no food competition, no consumption of anything is ever worth a python, never put your life at risk. Put it on layaway. Put it on layaway. Oh, we got to find ways to get people pythons if they're that desperate for you need a fucking python.

But also couldn't the python that that guy one couldn't just kill a two year old. I think that's what he was hoping. Oh, a family annihilator with that big old boa contract. Can you buy a day? This is the question this week. Well, POTL at gmail.com, if you buy a dangerous animal knowing it could kill your children and it does, but you technically didn't do it and it is legal to own that animal. Perfect crime.

I don't know. Hmm. I mean, child endangerment endangerment, but you're not going to go wait for murder murder up until the kids are in danger. It's actually up until that point before then. It's actually a lot of fun because they get to go lay down, watch the snake lay down with them to see if it can fit. You know what I mean?

No, I miss sleep with the snake day. That was a myth. But I don't even know. We have a lot to ask people. So let us know about snake news next week. Yeah. Side stories, LPOTL gmail.com and I hope Gmail makes it. Hail yourselves.

Me too, man. I think the things cross for Google over the noon. Okay. Just think about Google every day. Every day. This show is made possible by listeners like you, thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.