Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Sip the Straw

Episode Date: October 21, 2021

This week on Side Stories, YOU DO IT: Ben 'n' Henry read your Listenerpasta stories about Romanian vampires, milky monsters, and MUCH MORE.Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

A roast as dark as the night, perfect for fueling the cryptid research and mad ravings required for your podcasting. Don't mind the red eyes, he's just trying to warn you of the bridge! The bridge! Finally, from the caffeine-addled brains of Spring Hill Jack Coffee and Last Podcast on the left, we bring you Mothman's Red Eye Blend. Yes, delicious Panama beans, go to lastpodcastmerch.com to order yours today! There's no place to escape to. This is the last podcast on the left.

Side stories! I love your glids. That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories, yes. Man, so this weekend we went to this very fun Halloween party called House of Spirits in Los Angeles, right? Humble breath. And man, we go in there, right? It's hot in there, it's kind of fun.

They have all these specialty cocktails getting a little buzzed. Oh, that's the spirit. Yeah, dude. Some guy fucking full dick out. They have a whole performance in there, and there's full dick. Now why? And honestly, we showed up early because art is a part of the art. And we walked in there, man, and it was really nice because we-

Hard or soft? Ooh, soft. Weird. If it was hard, it's hard. I feel like hard is a specific type of performance. I think hard. He was doing a performance. But why then?

I don't want to see a com- If you are going to show your ding-dong, please present it. I- Whether it's hard. I don't want to see a sleeping giant. I actually would prefer- I want to see the giant in the middle of battle. To be honest, when you're talking about ants is what you mean.

He said, you prefer to see the ants not when they're sprouting foliage, but when they're in the midst of a battle. Rock hard. But when I see a man fully hard at first, I'm like, what's this guy's agenda? Sure. Honestly, if I saw a man go from soft to hard on stage- Right. That's a show. That's a huge show.

The rest of this performance was wonderful. But we saw boobies, we had a bunch of drinks, and it was really fun. And it's just nice to get out there and get- Mixing it up in the Halloween season, especially at 4 p.m. on a Sunday. Well, I think that's fantastic. Welcome to Side Stories, everyone. I am Ben, hanging out with Henry. Now isn't that nice how you do complain about being presented with a ding-dong?

Did I complain? It was a fact. It's a fact? Yeah, it was just fun. Oh, is it fun? I don't mind seeing open dick. I think open dick should be more celebrated. Open dick is different.

Open dick implies it's been splayed in half as if he committed some horrible crime in the 1930s. That's split dick. Ah. Well, speaking of dicks, Alex Murdogg, just a little update. Also, we're going to get to your listener pastas. Yeah, it's going to get creepy. Now that's a spooky spaghetti.

You sound like you sucked a bunch of cum off of a little tea-cooking plate. I'm very British sometimes. Alex Murdogg, the man out of South Carolina. Big red. Big red. He has been arrested. There will be no bail for this man, obviously. He's got a bunch of money.

He has not been arrested for the mere deer of his son or his wife, perhaps. No, no. He was complicit in that. No, no, those are the sides. They actually are not even thinking about the wife or the son. The main dish here, of course, involves money. Because that's the only way to arrest anybody. That's right.

Is if they embezzle money. So I also don't really particularly understand how you can be held without bail just for embezzlement. Because they're booking them for fraud. So it does feel like they are trying to act as if, let's just kind of act like it's for murder. This reminds me a little bit of O.J. Simpson stealing his own paraphernalia back, which I actually agreed with.

How does he not understand? I was, oh my God, him on Twitter. He did the whole thing. He still does not understand why he was arrested for that. He's like, well, technically he was set up. He was arrested for the murder, but they couldn't do the murder. So they're like, let's just get him for buying footballs. He's signed.

He tried to pivot, saying like, would Batman be arrested if Batman broken to someone's house to steal their Batman shirts? Well, and I was just like, well, number one, Batman isn't real. And number two, that's merch. You know what I mean? It's not his stuff. So he was trying to pivot to this other land, which doesn't make sense. Well, Judge Clifton Newman, who sounds like he must be a really fun guy.

I'm assuming mustache, a little bit overweight, but you know what, Clifton? I don't think he over sentences. I have no idea. Maybe he's the worst judge of all time. Well, the Murdoch family has run this entire court system for a long time, so we'll see how it goes. Right. Clifton Newman, this is what he had to say when it comes to the bond.

He says, there's no way this court could set a bond at this time. I am there for a denying bond at this time and will require Mr. Murdoch to undergo a psychiatric evaluation. Oh, go. Yes. That's what he needs. That's what he needs, his fucking free therapy. Well.

What he needs is to go to jail for murder of his family. We don't know if he did murder his entire family. We know that he did. I brought you into this world and I'll take you out. Is that it called the dad's receipt? That's the dad's receipt, but we still know nothing about the wife. No. I don't think he's allowed to kill her.

No, no, no. I don't think he's allowed to pass. Yeah. If you made your child, you can kill at least one of your kids. I don't think you can kill the majority of them. You also have to have the wife complicit in the murder because you guys made them together, don't you? Yeah, I guess.

And so that's only fair. That's only it's legal. Because otherwise you're stealing the son and the life of this half of that woman. But I guess the wife had to go, man. Apparently very sad story. So he is going to be doing this psychiatric evaluation, but you know for a fact, they'd be listening in. So I wouldn't be surprised if he spills the beans because believe it or not, when you

get these wealthy pampered people just remotely close to anything like the idea of prison, they crumble like little old cookies because they are scared and they are weak and they've never been threatened or actually had any kind of real consequences in any way, shape or form. So believe it or not, much as we learned with Epstein and Galenian Maxwell, these people are very weak. So we'll see what happens. Yeah.

And they all the time commit suicide. Well, fingers crossed, there's another update. This story is really interesting. This is it's not. There's another update. You remember the free car? Free car? Yes, of course.

The kids, the three kids. It was a lie. They were stealing the car when they found the body in it. So that's why that, you know, when it came down to they lied about the free car sign. That mean that does make sense. They were trying to come up with a little rascals version of the story, which they try to put forward and then, but they just are trying to distance themselves from the body that they found.

I think that's probably the best idea. I actually have a soft spot in my heart for these kids. I'm looking at them and they were just trying to have a night and did they have a night they did. They just didn't expect it to be like the hangover 18 movie. They didn't expect to see a body in the trunk. And so I actually talk about little adventures. You start off and you say, let's go get drunk, which I'm sure how this night started, maybe

doing a little bit of something. And then some methamphetamine, maybe whatever it might be, whatever gets you out of bed, you know? Yeah. And then, whoa, we stole a car. Can't believe there's somebody here. We're really going. Oh, you fart, bro?

Yeah, I did. But my farts don't smell like that. Oh, bro. Becky, did you fart? Yeah, I did. No, I just farted at my pussy. And you know what? I farted at my pussy.

You don't make any smells. Not like that. No. Yeah. Let's go pop the trunk, dude. Yeah. Whoa. So, what a night it was for these people and, you know, stealing a car.

This goes on the record, but it can go off pretty quick. Yeah, it can be. But not if there's a dead body and it's going to be really complicated. Well, they didn't do it. It's going to be really complicated. It definitely made their day more difficult. Yes. Because then the cops also have a dead body.

You should be less than all of you. Be careful what you, what happens. Oh, the plans of mice and men. How soon? They are quick, led astray. Is that the rest of that? Who fucking gives a shit? Check the trunk, I guess.

If you're going to steal a car, check the trunk. I say don't because you need plausible deniability. That's also a good point. There's a Halloween story that I wanted to cover really quick. This is Halloween. This is Halloween. This is Halloween. Halloween.

Halloween. By the way, I sit and I remember for Christmas it's a Halloween movie and technically the advertisers agree with me because it's on TV, not stop right now. They do seem to flex both seasons. They do. You know what I mean? Because it's wherever they can get it. Yeah, that's true.

And technically there is a depiction of Easter in there as well, so they probably could toss it up in April. That's why it's a perfect movie. Yep. It's smart. It's smart. But this is Halloween decorations gone awry. I think...

Did they go awry or did they go perfectly correct? I want to open this up to discussion. Side Stories LPOTL at gmail.com. If you find this... I want to see what people's opinions are on this because I think that it's fun. It's a little, dare I say, too real. It's a little real. This is in Walker, Michigan.

In 2003, at a specific home, John Seisling beat his mother and teen sister with a baseball bat, stabbed them with a kitchen knife before turning a blade on his six-year-old sister when she began weeping after seeing the crime scene. Sure, because she wasn't hard enough, right? That's Michael Myers. Yes. The festive decor. So what happens is that they killed everybody inside of the house, right?

Triple killing. Yes. I guess over the last several years people have been really upset about the current homeowner's Halloween celebration. They live there, man. They can do whatever they want. So since this happened, right, so this happened 20 years ago, and I guess this has been happening over the last couple of Halloween's, Amanda, the current owner, she won't tell anybody

her last name, right? She doesn't have to. But they have put out the display, which is three gravestones, which are surrounded by police tape, and there's a baseball bat and then an evidence marker near the porch, and they have all of these people's silhouettes and bloody handprints and people saying with written in blood, help us, help us, which is all over the display of the house. And apparently people are really upset. And according to Amanda, her main defense is it's a Halloween decoration.

It is a Halloween decoration, and let's not forget, if those people are so upset, they can live in the house. She's the one who has to deal with the ghosts of this entire murdered family. She can have a little bit of fun with it. When the killings happened, the Cecilines were just renting the house, and she claims that everyone in the neighborhood was aware of what occurred at the home, and that she simply is trying to... They're just stating the address, makes people go like, oh, you live there, you know?

Exactly. So she's just trying to bring a little bit of light, and dare I say what a comedian may do, one who may be a little chubby, a little tall, a little short, a little bald, they bring attention to it, don't they? We have to. To diffuse. To diffuse what they already know someone is thinking. We also, you know.

You know what happened in the house, right? And you know that it's fucked up. Everyone knows. But also, again, you have the creepy house, right? What else are you going to do with it? Amanda's complaining is that even after the cleanup of the murder, because she says she rented the house pretty soon after the murder happened, because they were friends with the Ceciline family, which is really even fucking...

That is also very strange, right? A discount is a discount is a discount is a discount. You go and you get that house as soon as possible. She says, I tell you what, I'm still dealing with cleaning up the blood all these years. There's still blood in there that I can't clean up. And you're like, who are we bragging to? She not only has to have these decorations outside the home. She needs to turn this home into a haunted home.

It would be scarier than the haunted house of spirits. No ding-dongs allowed in this one. Why is there no open dick in this one? Because that doesn't play into the story unless the father murdered his family well-naked with open ding-dong, in which case that would be acceptable. But I think in this... The nude strangler. That's so hard.

They'd be very difficult. You run through all those bushes, you know what I mean, getting all caught up, all scratched up, all the branches. I'm Detective Pickle. Show me your dick. I'm looking for scratches. This one's too clean. Let me check it with my mouth.

Yep. Well, apparently a lot of people are upset, but then again, this is Halloween, and I like to see somebody actually still be able to pull it off. Dude, I got my fucking delivery guy last night, and we're two nights ago. I had like someone delivered me food, and I have, because we're now setting up animatronics all around the outside of the house, since all of our Halloween jumpers, man, I scared the fuck out of this guy. And then he came in, and like I heard him go like, oh, the outside of the house.

And then I opened it up. He's just like, your house is scaring me, bro. Your house is scaring me. And I was just being like, yes, yes, come inside, come inside. And he didn't want to come inside because of COVID. Take a break from ordering food maybe during the month here. No, this is what they get. It's fun.

You get it coming. This is Halloween. I mean, you just defended these people that just made a diorama of a murder in front of their house that just happened inside of their house, where it's, I am just- You know what, though? I'm in the land of imagination here. Your house has jump scares. Yes.

And I don't think there were any jump scares. There was a family murdered in that house. Yes, that was scary. But dare I say, we all kind of know. So it's more of a, it's different. I think that your house is absolutely horrifying. Also just lastly, before we get to listener pastas, Ozzy Osbourne. You know, everyone got COVID.

Everyone's dead. You know that Colin Powell's dead now. But not Ozzy. Oh, no! I know. No! We needed that orchestrator of the Iraq war so bad. Oh, God!

We needed to give him three hearts. No, he only got one. Oh, God! How else are we going to spend our military money? Yep. Well, you... Oh! You are.

You are correct. Listen to our interview on Top At with John Kiraku, if you want to learn a little bit more about the life of Colin Powell. He got a little bit hawkish. There in the early 2000s, Ozzy Osbourne. He did not get COVID. No, he didn't, bro. And you know what he's thinking?

Satan. The sweets mean damn. And he should. I actually thought about that because when poor Travis, he got the plague, right? And he was around us. None of us got it. I say I protected us with my love of Satan. I think that Travis is probably the most evil of all of us.

So I don't know if that holds up. That's controversial. He's in the fucking room. He'll fucking kill you, man. I know. I shouldn't even say something like that. He's crazy. In the way that I know he would like to be honored.

You're right. This is what Ozzy had to say. Try to do it, yeah. Yes. I don't know how to do anything. Well, I don't know the board, yeah, I don't know the board. I don't know. It's not.

David Wishmore. Good. All those everyone's good bones. Give it up. Shada, Sharon. Remember that? Remember that old reality television show? No, they're making it worse and worse.

Get him work again Sharon. Please God Sharon. Just let the man retire. I'm not please. I love you Sharon I know you made his whole career. He looks so tired. I saw a fucking man should never be in front of a camp I love him. I love him. He just did a Interview right he's doing this like series of like on-the-road podcasts for serious right on Ozzie's boneyard And it was just him been like I don't like they put Oh, I don't like it up. There was making me grow my fiver. It's the Hilton all of the Hilton It is the most boring and you're like man, just let him just let him sit in the coffin You could just you could do photo shoots with him have fun

I want to say we're in credit we want to reach out and give our hearts to the people of Niz island oh because their wizard has been fired I am you can fire a wizard. I apparently that you can even I didn't know you could pay a wizard And he is being retired I guess that he would be included him as a part of cities tourism for Christchurch Which is one of the major cities in Niz island and I am Ian Brackenberry channel or Chanel He actually drew a paycheck of a thousand of eleven thousand dollars a year For providing wizard like services for the city where he would go and he would do certain things it brought it because

Niz island is a very magical place you go. It's got like you all the hobbits. They live there. I love New Zealand's beautiful place Connected to their spiritual beginnings really really in very very mystical place and his job was to sort of be a kind of a tourist Magical outreach from the rest of the world a necromancer Yeah, which they don't know that we know for a fact It normally means sexually pleasuring a corpse and getting the corpse to tell you secrets from the afterlife We don't know and so yeah, he got 11 grand a year for doing that. Oh But sometimes you just talk in a wizard sometimes he's just talking to ghosts of dead people. Yeah

Channel says it makes no difference. I'm gonna keep going. Yeah, I love this He says ocky and he called his former employers. What um a bunch of beer carts. I have no imagination They're not thinking of ways That's not even good. No, it's just like site. What was it in this island? They're not even thinking of ways to promote cross-stretch avicice All right, they just projecting an image of beer carts drinking that taste on the Boulevard The image of Christchurch is nothing to do with the authentic heritage of the city Oh, I am the original image of Christchurch. Oh, I am the original image of Christchurch

Well, maybe there was very easy power struggle. Yeah. Yeah, he has gotten intense because they're probably like I'm the mayor You know, I mean like I'm the image of Christchurch and he's like, oh no is it? They're like you haven't showed up to three meetings in 2011. There was a documentary made about the wizard I'm just gonna say this his Christchurch learned nothing through history You're gonna piss off the wizard just in case You know, that's what a lot of people will say who believe in like a true legitimate tangible heaven, right? They'll say well just in case just in case like a true tangible health just in case I think that's how you definitely go to hell versus not going to happen. I heard the just in case. I've heard it a lot

But just in case He's a wizard, right? Yeah, why why angry him just in case because you know, no matter what he is gonna be non-stop trying to Harass you magical ability is gonna be all day Unemployment is gonna make him more powerful than ever because he's gonna be able to show up whenever no spell is off the market Anything I mean except for the ones that cost money if he's gonna need to buy stuff because I don't know what the rest of his It is a anything else about if he's got any side hustles going on. I don't know if he's got an only wizards I think as we learned from the in Ganga Episode when we cover that one fella who it's about intention. Well, it's also cheap, isn't it some of it?

What do you need goose liver? Muddle some bones liver is actually foie gras very expensive in a lot of parts of the world You can get that you can get that you can kill just a normal goose if you're willing to brave a goose's bite Sure, so I'm just saying I think if you you could probably put together a pretty potent magical wizardy Spell, you know under five bucks Well, it's also for your intention and I'll tell you what human shit is free Yeah, and you could just put that in a bucket and just spray a bunch of people with it

This is true. This is according to Lynn McLean and she's the assistant chief executive of the Christchurch City Council talk about bureaucracy I fucking bet she is this is what she says She says the council has met with the wizard and we sent him a letter thanking him for his services to Christchurch over the past decade and informing him that we are bringing our formal contractual agreement to a close A freaking wizard have a good 2022. It sounds like breaking up with someone who was highly dangerous You know what I mean? Where you have to like sit in a public pay you have sit in a public place I might be like I just feel that you and I's arrangement of

How do one say being in love must come to an end? This is the end of a contract. Mm-hmm. Yeah exactly no steak knives around Also, just again lastly before we get to listen to her pasta Sometimes you can be a hero and the one thing I'm holding on to this thing right here. It's called a fern You are not going to have an old man moment Although if I did go see motley crew when I saw Vince Neil fall off the front of the stage I would have liked to film it that would be of course absolutely that's content a woman This is a true story. It's very sad. This is just a little trigger warning a woman was raped on a pennsylvania train It was in front of passengers. They took out their phones

They filmed it no one called 911 and no one just went up jumped on the man and started choking him Doesn't anyone else have the fantasy of being a hero? I want to kill And this would be an opportunity where you could do it and you get like the key to a city This is the scariest listener pop star episode you've ever done because that is true I've just said this is your op mic in my head would be like opportunity to kill. Thank god I will be praised for murder very frightening I do have the fantasy because I'm on I am not unlike this But I have the fantasy with the people now freaking out on planes or like the idea of like the because now we know that the story

The let's roll story might be kind of fabricated. We're not sure you please dress like an air marshal every time we fly Oh my god, I'll have a big texas walker ranger hat. I'll wear a star You know what I mean like I'll wear like my little badge and the let's roll story yet It is it got convoluted believe it or not hollyweird maybe peppered and some stuff, but the overall The sentiment was real the sentiment, but I love that idea of being like this is our time for all of us to jump on it, dude You can just do a lot of this is so fun. It's fun, but they didn't take that opportunity and unfortunately a woman was Horrible so please Get off these gd things when you because you know people also do that

Almost like as a child would like put their heads underneath a blanket to be like the monster's gonna go away Yeah, because people want that distance, but you're still there. I promise there help and not we're not all investigative journalists I am not so I am a civilian and we need your hands sometimes more than we need your phones So yes, anyway, so that's just a a sad story of modern times as people would allow and you have to happen in the front of them Help out your fellow man Absolutely. All right It has begun This time for some listener pasta you did this right?

We asked you to do our show for us and you did you sent us stuff to do We're gonna read some of these things, but first what I'd like for you to do as is customary. All right number one if you're at work Walk out walk get the fudge out of there Unless of course you are a firefighter in the middle of fighting ablaze. Thank you for what you're doing But also why you're listening to the podcast you should concentrate on the flames Sometimes having a little bit of stuff going on your head helps you focus. It's true. It's true. Yeah So if you're a surgeon right now cut cut cut the bitch cut the bitch. No, I'm sorry Um, but guys, I think it's really important. So quit your job. Obviously. Um, it's over

go home You know soft pant is one thing I've been wearing. I've been wearing a lot more basketball shorts without any of the athletics Oh, I thought you were gonna say underwear because then you just get rock hard naturally. There's something about a soft I'm not I don't want these brown streaks on my nice shorts. I made that mistake because back in seventh grade I would wear my alonzo morning jersey with my charlotte hornet shorts And I also had uh, I had a couple of full outfits. That's sweet though. Honestly, that's very in now But I didn't wear underwear one day and then you're already in seventh grade So the boner just pops up and then the whole day. I was just flipping it up

You know, I've been doing recently or right now you might you might say Henry you're fucking crazy, but it actually works What I do is right? I go I get a fucking join them like roll up a big ol hogs leg I got one of those like grinder right the auto grinders and also I've been using our old last podcast grinders too The old ones are really good And you don't get it full of it some kind of nice sativa right because I want you to be frightened I want you to be I want you to be frightened of yourself. What did you smoke when you did halloween horror nights? Um, halloween horror nights. I got some of that dick career. I did a lot of that And then I was also eating a lot of edibles and I also had some mushrooms

Okay, fantastic And so you want to do all of that and once if you can right but what I've been doing is lick the joy right? I lick the outside of it and then I roll it in key Myself and then I roll it I get the key fall stuck to the outside of it, right? Then I torch it up right and then let it It doesn't have to dry it for a second a little you got blow on it Blow on it. You got a blow on it. Let it dry then you suck it all up into your fucking guts And because the point is right now you're still talking about smoking a joy. I want you to be

So scared of being sober Okay of ever not being high ever again, and you're always gonna be like this you're fucked unless you're going through kind of rehab Or you don't you can also be told I don't want to tell you that in some ways My my friends who are sober are like i'm like where where do you get the thoughts from it's too much? It's too much reality open. Yeah, I gotta close it off a little bit. So here we go. Here is one of the stories sent to us by you The wheelchair I always felt very pitiful for him Everyone poked fun and bullied that boy He had a disability that rendered his eyes arms and legs useless

And had to be transported via wheelchair He never opened his eyes Which led to a lot of bullies taking advantage of the fact that there was nothing he could do to stop them Can I interject? Hmm armed wheelchairs. I do believe that there should be a shock function. Okay There had been countless rumors surrounding the boy One was that a massive car crash had paralyzed him and that the windshield had slit his eyes permanently blinding

I didn't believe that one as it was just a small town and I surely would have heard about it Had it been true Another story that once traveled around the school was at one time another bullied child had tried to speak to the boy The boy appeared to be sleeping and his eyes were fully shut When the young child tried to grab the boy's attention by shaking his shoulders The boy immediately opened his eyelids revealing empty black spaces where his eyes should have been All he did was stare at the child But that was enough to send the young child into insanity insanity the child a young girl of nine

Refused to sleep as she would only dream of what she saw that day those black hoes endlessly gazing upon her Sometimes she dreamt about the boy telling her horrible wicked and violent things all while he stared at her With his literally literally literally vacant eyes. She eventually had to be taken to a mental institution Due to her mental state She had to be restrained as she was trying to jump out of the car window the whole car ride to the institution She eventually was put in a padded cell Due to her trying to harm herself to escape from this cold reality

She was suffering from and then one morning The warden found her dead. She had removed her eyes with her bare hands And was holding one in each hand She bit her wrist hard enough for her to break the skin and she bled out during the night She's like that character from real monsters Disgusting, but yes. Yes First of all the expression on her face was eternally frozen in any manner of pure terror That story always broke my heart because as a result no one would talk to this boy

In fear of suffering a similar fate is the one they had all heard about I decided enough was enough And walked over to this poor boy all on its own on the edge of the playground Harder I said You want to play a game or something? Well, that sounds scarier than anything the boy did say Is this- this comes from the perspective of a mentally handicapped 49 year old man Okay Strangely enough, he didn't answer. Huh. In fact, it seemed as though he might be sleeping

I was slightly confused by this as the child playing was very loud loud enough to break anyone slumbers Hey Are you okay? I said slightly concerned for him. Hey Wake up I said slightly panicked and shaking his shoulders Please wake up Suddenly, he shook awake. He said nothing

He just stared You're dead. Yes, you know rosen dead insane insane to death uh It's kind of a sad narrative if you are in wheelchair, uh bound. We uh, we know you're a good person And I'm sorry. I don't think it makes you inherently haunted to be in a wheelchair Actually, this person really took their time to kind of malign those people who might be in wheelchairs

Well, I think that this one person maybe got spooked by the idea of someone with Entirely black vacant eyes in a wheelchair, but also guess what they're just as scary if they could walk around You know what the scariest thing is? What the ableism? Whoa All right, let's move on. Thank you for that wonderful tale Uh, so this one's all about how Holden loves to eat and drink breast milk I say yes, because he's probably putting in in his edibles. Are you break? I think you might be busting this Before the even I think that's the twist. Oh, is that the twist? All right. So this next story

Uh, uh, you know what? We can just keep that in because who cares you gives a shit. You know, it's it's fine We knew what the twist was. Yeah. All right. So this is uh, here we go Um, just coming in from a longtime fan. He's met everyone from roundtable except for ed And uh, you will meet Ed one day. You go to enough bars. You'll meet him first You'll meet him. Honestly, you just sound like such a sad father. Yeah trying to talk to a son. You can't understand your anime son You know, I wouldn't mind if my kid wasn't in anime as long as um, it's not all the fucking big tentacles Going inside of woman's an asshole and she's going like Please stop. I cannot stop the pleasure. Please. Please stop the pleasure

You know, I want my child to be happy number one Um, would now I'm not gonna say if they came home and were like dad. I'm a bronie now I would it would take me 14 seconds. I would walk away. I would say I would say I would walk away to my office And just be like I'm not mad. I'm not mad. I just need some time and I say now Okay, great now. Who is your favorite little pony and I will and I will support you. It's a diaper It's a tiny gaper. Oh, he's just like me Not me dad. He's mostly asshole I'm just gonna take some time. I gotta go back to my office cats in the cradle

Okay, but nothing wrong with that as long as again, whatever whatever you gotta do. You're doing a lot of rollbacks. I know This is the story I can't remember the last time I've had a good night's sleep for at least eight weeks I've woken up usually around three o'clock to the sound of a baby crying. That's nice You're psycho. It's summer. I leave my windows open and I live in a Polish style three flat neighborhood here in Chicago Oh, that's a very specific style. I believe that's like a railroad apartment in New York. Yeah, kind of sausage is smelling Uh, this is what he goes on. So I really haven't thought about it too much until tonight This time I definitely didn't fall back asleep. This time there was a smell in my room

Something kind of sweet, but I couldn't play as it. I decided to get up roll myself a spiffy A spliffy hog's leg you you and play some cold war zombies fantastic game very fun I went outside with a coffee in my spliff because I figured I'd be up until I had to go to work I do love he's just getting super baked, but you better stay up before work. I'm certain Honestly certain jobs. It's okay to be very very stoned during I completely agree He says I sit down on my steps and then I still hear this baby crying. I've got a six year Is it good kind of I've got a six year old and I remember those times. I just felt bad for that little baby wherever they were

I hope they're content soon spark spark. He's smoking that Jjo I'm just about done with my spliff that poor little baby has found another gear and is crying just wailing now I'm hungry. That's a baby crying there. Uh, geez they're really working themselves up I thought I couldn't help but say that out loud I got up and decided I was going to go see and figure out what the heck was going on with this new baby And I'd see if I could offer them any advice or comfort in the morning All right, that's the baby crying. It was just getting louder and louder and more constant I always wanted to congratulate. I almost wanted to congratulate this baby for their pipes

They're gonna be a great singer someday. I thought I continued to walk around trying to sound like he's like a baby agent for record company This might be written by lou pearlman who knows Oh, what a scumbag that guy is no No, he's a talent manager. They just are that man continues He says I continue to walk around trying to locate the sound and I think I narrowed it down to the house across the street But I just want to check in it's a little brick house or a red brick house Mama

Mama heavy breathing of a large man Oh, yeah. Oh, I see where this is headed All right, I'm sorry to feel that we should have gotten holden for this What the fuck is going on in there? What the hell was that mama? This isn't fair. I need you Mama, this isn't fair Oh my god, now I see what's going on I walked in between the houses and found a hose caddy to stand up on to look in the windows

What I saw next will haunt me until the day I die A sad broken man sprang eagle on the living room floor wearing his Vegetary insured as a diaper Softly weeping as he rolls off to reach for an almost empty baby bottle save one for a drop Save for one drop of milk. He grabs it. He flips it back to spread eagle. He's undulating belly glistening in the warm light from dried up breast milk Moving up and down with more force and speed as the excitement of breast milk takes over He tilts the bottle back and opens his mouth chocolate in excitement when the drop falls out of the bottle

And hits him on his cheek under his eye This is bad mama you left me with Oh you want me here here. I'll do it. Let me do this and holden's freak Let me do this and hold this because it did it's correct like it makes me Mama You left me With new mama and that's not fair because I gave her my tummy cuffs And I made her all preggers

Now she pushed out the baby bomb and she let me try her milky milk and I Loved it. I loved it mommy and now she said I can't have it anymore And now I'm and now I'm acting scary and now and now I have to wipe myself now All right, you're not even gonna wipe me anymore mommy. What the fuck is that a ball? You never do that to me real mom But you left me mom. You got to be all alone with me and you mommy Oh, I want it. Oh mommy because only old mommy I made her go gay when I go in her old mommy's dress

She fight and I play syp to straw Oh syp to straw. It's absolutely disgusting and completely accurate Uh, I twitched as I woke and I was in a puddle of sweat. Holy shit I thought the weed was supposed to suppress dreaming. Fuck. Yeah, maybe I need to chill out But why does it smell like something creamy and sweet but like rotted in the sun right now? I thought Oh Rise and shine silly chains. It's time for your four ounce of mommy's finest A sweaty sticky giant art he woke up from was all a dream

Oh, yeah, and then now he's in the possession of holding me. Yes a sweaty sticky giant arm fell upon my chest And pulled me into the sticky abyss of Holden's fatherly belly It was warm and gentle. I don't even at all. I don't I don't remember All of my bones snapping and turning it. I don't even remember all of my bones snapping and turning into dust Pretty fucking scary, right? So, uh, so Holden killed him. Yeah He's I think that he mostly was right in the story to get to the point where Holden McNeely would talk about how much you wanted He needed to be wiped and that he was drinking all the milk and all this kind of shit

And you know Holden nearly had the had the nerve to tell me the other day, you know all these fucking people The all they all they asked me about is the breast milk and it's like I do other things I don't think you do. Um, so yeah, again, I don't even remember All of my bones snapping and turning in to dust. That's actually very scary fantastic story very good really good stuff And uh, it was all a dream. So a little bit of a cop out ending, but I don't mind that I don't mind any creepypasta I don't mind. Um, this is apparently a true story. It's going to be a little bit longer But I do find it to be Interesting technically the Holden story was also a true story

Yes, it was based on his real life. Yeah, because he does the mommy stuff and as we learned and he did And he honestly in then he has the unironically likes, uh, breast milk and he drinks it often He does and uh, as we learned from Holden's wedding, uh, his mother Dislikes him doesn't like him and that's why I feel it's an around table. It's all kind of comes all around full circle It wasn't uh, yeah, it wasn't a bit. No, okay great good to know I'm originally from the outskirts of a small romanian town in the corpathian mountains called Vasco I moved to the states when I was 11 But my dad insisted my sisters and I spend the summers with our babushka

So that we would never lose our connection with our homeland Oh, if you could imagine a very impoverished but intensely superstitious group of roma That have left the traveler lifestyle. You're dead on We also practice the native religion It's a town of just a few hundred people high in the Transylvanian mountains with thick forest and abundance of wildlife Nice my family in most of the entire town believe heavily in the Strigoi Which is a lot of what vampire lore is based on the Strigoi

Right, they aren't so much as blood-sucking vampires as more of a pseudo malevolent spirit that will fuck up your fucking life Or anyone close to you if you piss them off, okay We all had a the typical Slavic folklore told to us as kids babayaga But the tone was immediately serious at the word Strigoi the caveat is that they rarely come down the mountain unless they are Disrespected oh if you disrespect their home that gives them the right to disrespect your home cash me outside Cash me outside later now people go in and out of the woods all the time But the way you show respect

Is that you prick your finger and leave a drop of blood and leave it on a tree or a rock Then they're okay with things like collecting firewood Okay, our family home our family home backed up into the woods And we had a ready supply of those things that diabetics used to check their blood sugar Everyone pricked their finger and left a drop of blood on a rock close to the tree line Okay, painless and quick sure it doesn't sound painless actually sounds like it hurts Well, you gotta pick your prick your finger there. Yeah, my twin cousins Svetsos Lysov and Susoni

I don't know how to pronounce this a lot of teas and contents mixed together Since they grew up to be total pieces of shit. I can't fucking say them. I call them fucking a and fucking b Okay Much easier. We all shared a room on a closed off back porch at grandma's house The girls slept on the other end of the house important to the story since this room was once a screen patio We have a door that leads directly outside so we can come and go as we pleased independent of the rest of the house Now while we were out foraging for wild cherries and firewood a boys chore For grandma's palanka, which is like a delicious bathtub vodka made from either cherries plums or apricots

See the fuckheads and I joked about going to talk to the strigoi and make friends with them But how would you do that? We decided that giving them an offering was a good way to get the dialogue going So later that day we were rabbit hunting for stew with our 22s another boy chore And we had a particularly good run more than what we were asked to bring home So for some fucking reason we thought that the strigoi would like a rabbit So in typical 13 year old know-it-all fashion We announced by shouting into the woods that we are friendly and we would love to talk to the strigoi

And the rabbit was a gift and we left it across a full a fallen tree and went back home The next day we woke up with a pile of wild cherries with some small firewood at the landing of the door to our home Right rightfully we were a little freaked out But completely fucking stoked right a lot of cherries get a lot of cherries But once we thought that hey now we gave them a gift that they gave us a gift And now maybe they're like okay with us talking to us like we asked right? Yeah So later that night we decided to go back to the woods with a bottle of the duskas palenka

And talk with the strigoi. So that's good Yes, okay now in our infinite teenage wisdom We thought that we would give them more attention if we didn't prick our fingers So we went to the forest and thereby Disrespected their home We built a fire and a small clearing and got drunk on warm bathtub bug as one does And we were laughing and jamming the tunes on fuckhead a's radio. All right Right

One problem that romania and particularly rural romania has that there are roaming packs of wild dogs Now it sounds cute, but it's actually a serious issue since they reverted to being feral Now while in the middle of a drunken teenage dance party sponsored by kyley minogue voltage And what probably wouldn't make us go blind We and and we heard noises coming from the woods up the mountain Now we looked and it was this massive pack of wild dogs running in our direction in a panic We went to fetch our pocket knives and realized that I had forgotten mine

Like three barely pubescent boys were going to fend off a pack of wild dogs. I don't think so I don't think so I almost pissed myself as I've been I've been a little bitch since I was a boy well into my adult years Hey, now I know it's wild dogs. Don't be hard on yourself. Sure. They ran past us like we weren't even there A few minutes went by and we heard another noise coming from the woods up the mountain And the wake of three scared shitless boys a herd of sheep came start came charging out of the forest Just like the hogs and ran past us just as no dogs had now It would have made sense that the dogs would hunt the sheep

But it was the dogs who ran past us first so they couldn't have been hunting the sheep So slowly we realized in the clearing That the forest had fallen dead silent and I got this chill that made my neck hair stand up The fuckhead b had his eyes fixed on the tree line opposing the clearing and I realized what he was looking at Eyes A lot of fucking eyes Glowing green across the campfire One of the fuckheads began saying the lord's prayer and the other one just said run you gotta go

We took up running as fast as we could back home in our in our panic We heard something behind us now my fight or flight was so intense I couldn't begin I couldn't bring myself to look back after fuckhead b screamed after doing so So I was suddenly in a run for my life scene from a horror movie You gotta get out we reached a tree line screaming like crazy people and for our luck Grandpa was still chopping firewood close by as we screamed about And we could still hear someone behind us

So we got to him and we demanded to know if we demanded to know if we gave a blood drop So he told it we told him the truth and with panic in his eyes He demanded we do it now The fuckheads pulled out their pocket knives and cut their hands and smeared it on the rock of the tree line in a panic I told the douche that I had forgot mine and in a rage he grabbed my hand ran my left palm across his axe And then all but dragged me and smacked my bleeding hand across the closest tree and everything went quiet again I can only hear my own heartbeat and babushka came charging out And when I asked what had when I asked fuckhead b

What he saw when we were in the bed for the for that night when we were all in bed together because back in the day It's the boy you sleep together. Yeah, we all you'd say that it was a massive shadow with eyes And then the next day My newborn baby cousin died of SIDS in her sleep. Oh, that's an entirely different thing, but no Strigoi. Oh the day after that. I was put on a plane back to the states It was three years before I was allowed to come back. It seems like it was total total chaos Yeah, that's what they did So when I grew up to be a hypothetical clinical research professional

The science in me says that we were drinking literal bathtub booze made by Romanian crazy old man as a child subject to persuasion But the Romanical the Romanical side of me says I shouldn't even have tried fucking anything involving The Strigoi Because the Strigoi are supposed to be very strong during Samhain So I still think about that experience every spooky season and especially When I stare at the scar on my hand Very cool. Sudden infant death syndrome is very serious. Amen is better than slow infant death syndrome, which is called life

Yes All right, we got one more for you. This one. Should I say the title or does that ruin it? I say don't say the title. Don't say the title. All right. So this one here we go. It started in 2011 I was in a sleepover with my friends John Kyle and myself jave john john kyle and jay. I like a john. I like a kyle I like a jade except that kyle written house is not nice there See Well, you just got yourself off the Kenosha jury. Are you happy now?

Are you happy now? I wanted to spend six months in Kenosha Well, I'll have to sleep over there was nothing on tv worth watching So we decided to watch infomercials and make fun of the people on them. We called the game. It's my favorite Yeah, we called the game burn unit. That's kind of fun. That's cute We saw the premiere advertisement for my pillow We were making jokes and dropping sick burns on the infomercial's host michael indel when kyle said I bet if you say my pillow three times in the dark Michael indel will appear from the darkness and take your soul. This is actually very plausible. Yeah, that is very plausible

We all laughed. You will personally come to your house. You can get michael indel to show up at your house If you say mike come over i'll believe you absolutely. He is so sad. Yes, so sad The only person i've ever thought Doing crack may have been better It was mike indel. I bet he was more fun, man. Yeah, it's one of those strange strange things We all laughed our asses off because at 13 you don't believe in that sort of bs Nope 13. I think I was like peak believe that was honestly when I believe the most It was pushing 3 a.m. Which we knew was the start of the witchy now

At that point john said hey, let's try it. I said try what gay six No, the my pillow trick. Oh, yes, which could also just sound like yes Kyle and I said no john and jen called Kyle and I said no john called us pussies and went into the bathroom shut the lights off And said my pillow my pillow my pillow. Oh god. Oh god. I don't even think you should say that out loud We waited and we were so tense when john's dad came into the room and said, why are you guys still up? You might be a redneck if you're still up. Yeah, honestly, I do like that character We all jumped and screamed we were told it was lights out and go to sleep

So we went to bed. We woke up the next day and john was gone His parents figured he must have just ran away in the night Which I guess you know as soon as the parents are like, yeah, I guess he just ran away There must have been some silence. Oh, yes, of course. Yes Me and Kyle knew that wasn't the case But we couldn't tell the police that we did a dumb Bloody Mary like ritual and Mike Lindell took our friend So Kyle and I agreed to never talk about it again, and we didn't

Apparently they were just lighting this guy go. Yeah, I guess that's fine We drifted apart as we drifted apart as we grew older fast forward nine years. I'm 22 years old I was sitting in my room, and I had a weird thought did the game work So I decided to try it. Yeah, man. That's what happens when you're 22. Yep. Does the game work does the game work I sat on my bed In the dark and said my pillow my pillow my pillow And I waited and without us without making a sound nothing happened So I laughed and thought to myself. Yep. That was stupid

I laid down and shut my eyes Then I heard a sound at the foot of my bed I opened I opened my eyes to the pitch black of my room and saw no shapes Then out of the void. I heard a voice Was it loud? It was loud like a thousand giants screaming at one time. That's My pillow I turned to my lamp and pulled my silver letter opener from my bedside drawer and held it close As my eyes adjusted to the light. I saw Mike Lindell in his true form. He was hideous and tall Oh, but incredibly menacing. He said

You have summoned me and you have two options to work at my factory making pillows for eternity Your soul will be turning to fluff for my pillows I quickly plunged my letter opener into Mike Lindell's neck He grabbed his neck as he began to bleed out. He fell to the ground dead I breathed a sigh of relief and sat down Then I noticed something Then I noticed something His body had transformed. He looked exactly like me. I couldn't believe it

I was in peer shock Then I felt an all-consuming pain as my body began to contort and change After five agonizing minutes. I noticed the pain went away. I got off the floor and looked in the mirror I was now the monster I had slayed. I am Mike Lindell and this is my pillow That is a horrible thing I just think the idea of him showing up at your house while you're asleep is actually very very frightening I think it's very plausible. Of course. Yeah, if you invite him, he will come. He is like the vampire. Do you have the hidden votes? Do you have the hidden votes?

Guys, uh This is just a taste because next week we're gonna get even more spooky when mr. Marcus parks himself is gonna join us here on side stories He's finally gonna hang out with us under not contractually obligated to hang out with this He's gonna hang out with us. Yes, and we're gonna get back into we're doing some creepy puzzles We're gonna get super super fucking spooky because we do have a spooky topic They're recovering on last podcast and left once the uh part once Paul Bernardo and carlo homoca wrap up We have got a very spooky topic that i'm very excited to get into but until then we're gonna give you little appetizers of

Spookies because it's halloween, isn't it? It is Yes, thanks for all the great responses. Also. We love we love the canadian people Um and good work. Uh ontario ontario. It is ontario. It is ontario. I tried it. We're gonna get into it next week We're gonna talk about that. We have a lot of fun next week. We have a lot of fun ahead of us We really we really do that'll be this week I feel like this week my main thing with this week's episode when we get into last podcast Let's have fun with this one fun with it. This is the big one to have fun We hope you're having fun out there

Uh, you fucking better and you better live your life knowing every day that if you don't fucking maximize your halloween potential You are wasting your fucking hours. The countdown is coming count. We got fucking two more weeks all away. That's it This is our month guys. This is it. So live it up laugh at somebody that is even dare even fucking brings up Thanksgiving You go like get the fuck away from me. Go ha ha get the fuck away from me I am a little bit annoyed with Thanksgiving attempting to leapfrog. It always is. They never wanted just like I don't even know Thanksgiving is just food. All right. Yeah, but then again Christmas leapfrog Thanksgiving So I understand whatever. All right Thanksgiving is not a holiday. I agree. It's just a I don't know what it is It's a day of friendship just eat eat food. All right, and you like that and you love that

Sure, all right So you love that about Thanksgiving about how it's a non-denominational holiday and it's nice that there's no fucking christ in it All right and get back to being don't stop thinking about halloween stop thinking about Thanksgiving going back to halloween Okay, I love a fucking god guys. Holy fucking shit. Well, you are definitely off the rails Also, really um check out our spring hill jack coffee line. Um, come off it red. I blend me. Oh, I had two whole cups of the cold So I am feeling it Seriously, thank you all so much for supporting all the small all of our endeavors and again You can always tag me on instagram, which I hate social in many ways, but instagram you can post a little pictures

Instagram is good for you. They take like you're free in the base, but it doesn't matter. I sold He sends me fun shirts on there. I don't know what to do sure exactly So if you do create anything on like etsy or whatever feel free to tag us and I'll happily promote Yeah, we'll plug your shit. We'll plug your shit try to get you a little bit of Cash for all of your hard work. Also buy the dvd to the movie possession that it's a old Oh, yeah, you have to it's the only way you can see it This is old polish film with sam kneel. It's fantastic. I just watched it for the first time Sam kneel. Does he do a polish accent? No, it's it's there. They are english in it, but it's made by polish man

There's polish awareness month as well. So oh my get into some polish horror cinema You heard it here first All right, everyone. Thank you all so much for listening. Hope you're happy and healthy out there. Hail yourselves. Hail sanctum. My good relations. Hail me Yes, indeed By the way, we didn't do a hero of the week. So you be a hero. You're the hero. You did good work. You wrote the you wrote the letters Yeah, you do it. This show is made possible by listeners like you Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them for more shows like the one you just listened to

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