Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Suck My Tongue

Episode Date: April 12, 2023

Ben 'n' Henry bring you this week's weirdest stories and true crime news as The Dalai Lama finds himself in hot water after video of him asking young boy to "suck his tongue" surfaces online, Easter Bunny sightings, the Spanish actress who used dead son’s sperm with a surrogate to make her own grandchild, American Airlines passenger throws childlike tantrum after pre-flight drink debacle, Australian police investigating man who took a platypus on a train to go shopping, the man who stole a bus to transport a dead deer for fertilizing, a hero saved by chocolate, listener stories, and MORE!

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left side stories Uh-huh. Why don't you suck my tongue? Remember red hot chili pepper suck my tongue. I actually wanted to start because I did have a Suck my kiss. They wanted him. They wanted red hot chili pepper. So why did you just suck their kiss? Yes, they did. Yes. How do you do that? You suck around the whole mouth Which I just love our religious leaders. They're always in the forefront of teaching us how to suck each other's mouths You a Buddhist now. Oh, oh, yeah. I mean, I actually really surprised at the Dalai Lama

It's about the tongues. You don't suck I'm just really surprised he didn't want because you know, you figured he was kind of a butt man because he was into Buddhism Oh, hello Wow Long week in a yelling, right? Because that's good. It was a non-denominational spring holiday festival that we did You did a spring holiday festival. Many people did Easter some people I don't know. Is this the time of the solstice? It is it is it's coming around

But that's why I wanted to get my like get my voice all sorted out because obviously so I the Dalai Lama like I was inspired I want to get into his vocal technique, which is just Suck my tongue. Oh, but don't worry. It's not that gross. He's 87. There's nothing gross about it You want to suck the tongue of an 87-year-old man in robes who pays you shows up if you pay him a lot of money He's that he could show up at any time because that's a very controversial figure Dalai Lama not only will suck a child for free But he will he'll but honestly he charges to suck an adult Yeah, that's unfortunate and I didn't know he had that fun banana hat. Well, he does have a fun banana hat Welcome to side stories everyone Marcus Marcus isn't here because this is Ben and Henry. Whoa Marcus isn't here

You just jumped later in the week. Oh Suck my tongue the Dalai Lama biggest story of the week without a doubt Dalai Lama very controversial figure If you want to see him in prime Dalai Lama form check out the conversation he had with Keith Ranieri because Keith Ranieri gave him like the 75 Okay, again, he magically shows up if you have money for him And he told a joke to Dalai Lama that the Dalai Lama did not understand But the Dalai Lama knowing that he was being paid like a good Working girl true. He laughed he understood but also he He technically then fired the guy that set that up right so then you could at least see he tried and then he also

I'm sorry coming to my office. I'm the Dalai Lama. You're gonna Dalai Lama It's very you're gonna fucking fire me the man whose religion is predicated upon nothingness. I don't know I've done great for you I haven't done shit. It sounds like but Buddhism is a little more complicated. I don't know if you're Buddhist out there, and you know and Buddhist will tell you this right now Buddhism has nothing to do with the Dalai Lama. Actually, well, it's a spiritual. It's an individual very complicated It's just for many Belief they don't like the Dalai Lama. It's a whole long thing. I mean, I don't know you don't know I don't know but I don't do not trust a man that is dressed like a banana and a hammock. That was the best thing about it

I love his hat. I that was actually the biggest thing I learned about this. So yes, he's in trouble because the 87 year old Oh, what do you call him? Tan of nothingness. He solicited a child to suck his tongue now I will say solicited a child again It's different because we know that I don't know if he's a pedophile as much as he's like, you know Biden likes to suck up hair like a spaghetti, but you know, Biden is kind of that same. He's oh, so he's He's like just he sucks. He feels with his mouth I think a lot of times because he can't see with his eyes

So he's like a cat with his whiskers. So he has his mouth to see he's like one of those videos I just showed you about the blind mole rats who are pretty cute, but no Biden He tries to steal the essence of youth through Breathe it in Little kiss it doesn't work Dalai Lama tried to steal the innocence of youth through this child sucking on his tongue Now this is a statement from the Dalai Lama and again It's not usually time for them to do a bunch of like PR because usually they're like we're not they're not in the middle of

You know, they're not in my landmark killing a bunch of people like usually Buddhists are like, hey, you're pretty fine Most of the party's hanging out. I think he just hangs out there people get mad Yes, he does ever sometimes visit a cult leader or two when he was hanging out with Keith Ranieri, but I think up until this point He's mostly just been sitting. I think he was peeling that hat I think there's a lot of time on his hands, but no, he's probably probably met with horrible people and uh and given them the It's all right when they like admit to doing other crimes against humanity The statement says his holiness often teases people he meets in an innocent and playful way

Even in public and before cameras, which makes me think again not an apology Makes me think that what he does and the cameras aren't there is far far more nefarious and much much worse I would definitely call him. He's he's doing the ignorant That's how it feels a little bit. But he ignorant. You don't know how I love Just because he's 87. He's we all know 87 year olds. I mean, I don't lost the plot a little bit when you're when you Do you think you just started doing this? Oh, no, this is something he's been doing for 86 years This is the problem. He's doing this fun. You're kissing my tongue like it's this cute thing But you know the only person who thinks it's fun is the preacher from

Exorcist three or or poltergeist three. That is the only person who's doing full Eskimo kisses, but with tongue with children because again, he doesn't know he thinks it's cute because normally they'll do the Werther pass Sometimes it's so cute. I love the nothing. I love seeing these videos Just these gray videos of a papu or of an opa passing a Werther little birdie style to a child It's nothing makes them feel more included involved, especially on the Easter holiday, right? So also so the motions to the child who is not doing obviously not wanting to be there And then he kisses the boy on the chin and then kisses him on the mouth

I will say at least if what do you want to feel weird? Would you not have felt extra weird if the kid just like jumped on it just started sucking? No, because then it would make it seem to me like it's some kind of religious precedent or just kind of cultural difference I can deal with a cultural difference. You know in other countries, they don't just throw their grandparents away They take care of them cultural difference. What cultures do you know? In France in France you knew a double kiss of the cheeks in America. You don't really do that though That'll be seen as kind of odd Right, you're you would be labeled European

So if you were doing the double kisses depending on where you're at if in your new york It's way more Los Angeles. Definitely it more that more says that you're full of shit Versus like European, but the rest of the country even if you went down even Alabama You're doing the double kisses and you but then afterwards it goes thank you very much for your guidance to the cherry competition You're like, oh, well, he's from Berlin. He's used to loose lips Berlin's a fantastic place also not used to loose lips. They're known to keep a secret or two No, but they like to suck on the fuck they do and toes So the interesting thing is with the Dalai Lama, this took place at the Tuscaloca con temple

Perfect, and this is where he resides suck my kiss So when it comes to customs and norms, you would think that every this is peak custom norms Oh, sure So you would think if this was normal the kid would be like, oh my god, I can't believe it's my time to suck his Jump right on the word. We did it last year. He's been the coolest kid in school ever since It's also be weird if he did a long time and then how do you catch the tongue if he's going If he's doing like in a circle like yeah And then you have to figure out like who better catch that tongue because if not, I guess you get seven years bad luck

I guess you get seven years bad luck either way It doesn't make him seem more innocent of any nefarious activities that I didn't even think that he was committed But it doesn't make him seem like less likely to commit those crimes. Yeah. Yeah If there wasn't cameras there the kid you can to bet your ass He likes to have sex with children should have kept on talking over you there the uh Wow, we have two absolute real golden puns there, but anyway

Because the kid resisted he's probably going to be killed. I'm just making that part up But oh sure who knows we don't know the picture of the Dalai Lama kissing Desmond tutu. No, and I don't these are This comes up. Are they doing it with tongues? I know, but it's it's uh, it looks like it's lady They're lady and tramping something. I think hey, I think it's their lady in the I don't know But uh, yeah, I mean I always thought it'd be cute to see a llama and a tutu, but I didn't want to see it like that There you go. You're really on fire. Well, let's move on. Yeah, I do see that now. Wow. They really You know what again? It is just isn't it nice what that some cultures still embrace each other

No, not that one. No, I know all the cultures by mike. Oh, you didn't see patreon You'll see there was a foreground like that's fine. We're gonna be good. That's good good to be distracted. It looks like a Dog penis in the middle of the cup But you are like because something happened that you weren't supposed to discuss and then you were me like squirrel mike change This is radio. No. Yeah, but no, it's it's live, baby It's live I was watching recently man. I was it's really actually very sad I I watch old stern because I know I'm just can't wait to be 40

You don't like closet stern where he just screams to his closet to his clothes No, I don't but it was the video of arty firing his assistant. I've led to him. They're basically being fired from the show That was like Radio quote-unquote used to be the idea of like yeah being hyper real and it's I mean we do our best This is unfortunately This is as thick as it gets when arty fires are this shallow when arty lang fires his assistant You know, it's because his assistant did something really good Like be like arty

Maybe you don't need crystal meth at five o'clock in the morning in new jersey after doing Crystal meth for 25 hours in new jersey He was literally trying to like help arty and then arty was freaking out because arty was actively untrugged It was a long story. I love now. We're deep in the weeds of 2009 I do I love arty got nothing wrong with anybody, but it is again if you are wondering Where is lord? Where's the lord? Bob's second is dead Norm mcdonald's dead norm dead all of the cast of dirty work except for a man who has been actively trying to kill himself for 40 years

So this is the trick to long life. Don't want to live like all of our grandmothers Don't want to live. Oh, yeah, and then you never die You just keep on rolling out a pure fucking spite even though every day you wake up wishing that you were dead Also speaking of wishing that they were dead. Did you see this big story? O.J. Simpson has to go back to jail. Yeah, you were saying he's he has a small Murder two people, but why is he going back to jail? It's because he he he violated the terms of his bail agreement And that's where you really get caught up in the legal system. I mean, how is he still on parole? Bro?

I think he's still on some kind of he has some relate. I'm gonna say relationship with the court I feel that O.J. at any point is in trouble because he needs to be I think from now on he kind of just needs to be I mean it is so it's a christians loose I don't we don't I don't discuss christians loose out there somebody an anonymous donor This is true anonymous donor paid christians bail. Okay now christian is loose out there now That's the show. All right. Well christian. They already rate their mother, right? So it's all Well, we don't know we only have the footage and we have a confess. I don't That's it. We only have oh yeah texts and and maybe apparently a couple of pictures

There's no way we could be super sure that christian has done anything incorrect The only story too disgusting for this network. I just it makes me gag anyway I might just do a deep dive if you can't alone. You and just you have the skin for it. You have the skin for it You have the true crime. You you are you are in you're born in the mud You're ready like a worm Anyway, O.J. has to go spend the weekend in los vegas not for fun He has to go behind bars because he has a court hearing on wednesday Can you imagine what that vegas jail must be like? It's not good. It's like of all the places. I want to go to jail

I think vegas is the last place. Do you think so? Yeah, I actually feel like there's so much turnover I don't know. I think the new york jails are so bad I mean you went down you went to the two the two And then la I was watching some of these also date county in florida. Oh, yeah That looks really bad. All right. I take it back. But I just feel like los vegas because so many people get arrested Do you think they still have slot machines? I bet you they do, right? I bet you they do Oh, man, I'll never forget I was getting off the plane to go to vegas

And I was in the los vegas airport and someone was in the airport on their way back to wherever it was They were playing the slot machine openly crying and I was like, buddy You got to get on that plane when that plane comes you get on it and you go back to washington Okay, finally getting released from vegas So anyway, he had a court-approved bail agreement and he apparently messed that up somehow All right, and so now he's going to be behind bars at this point. He just doesn't even fucking give a shit He just he doesn't care He gets to go to his bills games that they love him and they announce him and they play like it's electric

When he shows up and yeah, so like he's just going there technically this now, you know It's given him in his own version of cred apparently simpson. Uh, so he's been bailed out, right? He had this whole thing going on a rep for you ring. We spring bail bonds Said that they have nothing to comment right now the documents claim that simpson tried contacting that bail person november of 16th Last year in a profanity laced message not good simpson stated that he hopes steward was quote telling the truth so apparently he's got a fight going with the We you ring we spring bail bonds company which sounds like you never fight with the people that control your freedom That's what I would really don't I would never fight with those people also never fight ever fight with the murdoch stands

Well, did you see they did exhume the body of young steven? Oh, yes And they said initially they said it's a hit-and-run and then they said well, there's no evidence of a hit-and-run No, they just made it up. No, he was so well He was beat to death and we're gonna find out that I hope I hope they come for buster Who knows maybe not again if buster is just a normal innocent shithead? Then go bless. It's just a lot of death. It's a lot of death attached to one family And it's hard for me because obviously us redheads. We don't away. We have that director ron Howard. Yep That's it. Yeah, that's it. So now we got the murdoch family with just five redheads in their home

And we used to have print harry and now he's nothing. I don't know what's going on. He's barely a television producer I'm not sure we don't have any redheads in power except anyway, you know who also used to really help us fey reagan Oh my god. Yes That was from poor dog. I was just watching a fun instagram of with another comedian that I don't know But he told a funny joke how porn stars should retire like nfl players because they need to know that they're out of It would be nice though, but they do sometimes they retire and then sometimes they come back Yeah, I know someone who films for all of tushy.com. He's a former marine vet Uh, nice man stern man. Um, so I can't watch that anymore and every time I sit down on the bar said hey

You're looking in the assholes today. He's like, oh, yeah, Laney Rhodes was in today. Beautiful asshole any squirt There was a squirt scene and that's just a bar conversation I get to have because I moved to los angeles. It's also that's just water cooler talk in the porn industry You're talking about bull holes. You're talking about squirting because again, that's the nature of their entire art form It just is it don't do it if you work at uh, huler packard. I will be meeting with hr Unless you are like an executive secretary to the vice president. Sometimes you'll have to see that man's asshole Oh, the dolly llama or woman. There you go or giant easter bunny. Oh my gosh Now the one thing that comes out

Oftentimes every one of these so-called easter weekends because you see I don't remember when it's easter I don't know. I don't know any holidays easter is the day when a satanist does his laundry I actually thought it was surprising that we had a holiday so early on into the new year I totally forgot about this. I forget about easter, but then we ended up having a thing was good But every year there's always some form of article about easter bunny sightings and I Personally, I love it. I love as you guys know, I love a little anomalous Phenomena like yes, who knows people are seeing these things. You're projecting it Are they just people in costumes that are hammered walking around various neighborhoods on their way home?

Are they actually sort of projecting an Egregore of a giant bunny into the world in front of them psychically. I don't know But this comes from singular fortian our favorite source Oh Out there news man reports childhood sighting of a six foot tall white rabbit on easter morning Now this is according to his man. There's a man now man said it's a man. He said that he saw this in 1988 Easter morning 1988 so he's waited a little while to tell the story. He did but this is just of one

This is only of one of these these easter bunny sights I was looking out my bedroom window across my backyard with a backdrop of a forest Now I had a rabbit cage in the corner of the forest adjacent to our workshop roughly 40 feet away I witnessed a six foot tall white rabbit with a dark vest facing the door to my pet rabbit's cage Frightening First of all, can you imagine even bigger view showing up in front of your door? I mean, it would be absolutely size. Well, and that's the thing with the bunny. So a six foot bunny is about What's a bunny a foot?

That's six times larger than your average bunny. So that's gonna freak you out. Oh sure. He said I was in shock I was skeptical, of course, right? Because I mean, you know, I don't believe in the easter bunny But I was a young young boy. I didn't believe in it, but I rubbed my eyes The giant rabbit was still there. I threw up in the single pane window which led to the backyard facing a rabbit cage I yelled at the rabbit. Hey, I see you I try to bolly up in the window to leap out and run to the rabbit. Wow Tidy white kids Underwear lucky lucky

Whitey underwear deli llama would like to get a little bit But I couldn't make it out of the window it turned it looked at me. It took a series of bounds As high and high speed into the forest. I still it could say it scared the bunny It scared the bunny. I could see this being a man. It's a man, baby Well, unless it truly was if it did spring like a bunny, I just did a little reddit search here Is the easter bunny a cryptid? Oh, yes, we I like the term that our boys over the and ladies over at helier the newkirk's talk about An egregore and it's a thought form like a tople

But actually even more kind of put together but by society that all society believes in thing And then psychically we sort of build it up and it becomes a physical reality According to purple tumbleweed they say I still remember to this day Waking up when I was around five to the outline of a giant rabbit trying to break into my bedroom window That's a man, baby. I was hysterical enough that they actually went outside and checked It was probably some weirdo in a mask, but it really looked like a giant rabbit. I just got a fucking great Uh, it did a half ounce of purple tumbleweed. It's like it's incredible. Which you can get out of your ally The prices are extreme, but this is this one story now

He said the reason why he was haunted because the absurdity of the situation which I can see This is why he said that I find it in these stories interesting because he Said he saw this and it haunted him for his entire life now I also sort of remember seeing santa claus as a young man But I do believe it was because my father Drunkenly dressed up as santa claus and tried to perform a magical act for us to be you know It's kind of like inspire the children to think that's nice that he did that. Absolutely, but then obviously it was a drunk My father what time was it? Oh, it's two one o'clock in the morning. Oh, and I watched it

Oh, it was a one o'clock in the morning. I remember him sort of like struggling with gifts and going God Part of my mind I again with six of these imagining. I was like, I don't know if santa would curse that much We don't know. I don't know actually. We don't know and there's a lot of working man. There's a lot of different santa lore obviously, there's some woke History coming in here when it comes to is it slave labor or the elves put the elves back in elf town where you got them all from Um, there is where is mrs. Claus in there? There is mr. Mr.

That missed santa is the david miss cabbage of creatures right now. Where is mrs. Claus interesting? Have we seen this fucking he doesn't bring her out? I've only seen pictures of her Yeah, and she doesn't serve any purpose, right? I mean, I don't know I think she might be in charge of the reindeer I think so but then that also feels sort of like are they all eating her pussy or something I don't know if it depends on whether or not she's met jared fogel or not I know there's a lot of people out there that say ben kiss will never has double standards But I do have a double standard never flip flop ever do have a double standard

I don't want to see a sexy fan as santa claus, but I want to see a sexy mrs. Claus nothing would make me absolutely Kissle santa claus needs a leo remony. He does he needs a hot Why don't they do that? Why is it always santa claus? Oh, I see always some old woman. No, you can get hot mrs. Claus. I mean, yeah I'm down with an old hot It's mrs. Claus like a gilf mrs. Claus with them hanging out. The thing is okay. So they're both timeless, right? Why not just make them then nice in 29 to 34? No, keep santa open that's your sexiest age You have santa claus be young and hot give boys something to look up to all right

It's somebody to kind of believe in and then also we can make them poly if you give them a couple of twink elves And then he can hang out with them. We're talking are the elves there by their own volition Well, the ones that are fucking so the police actually in england You know what the world's biggest rabbit was what? four foot three inches too big 129 seven seven Half a baron trump. It really is but now i'm thinking about that man's story He said there's a proclamation six foot right, but he's a young kid. Yeah, so maybe it was just a big Fucking random and he said after he saw the rabbit. He had a bizarre mary poppin song stuck in his head

I said And he said he doesn't he doesn't know why because he wasn't into mary poppins before Also, if you take if you take your diabetes medication with the spoonful of sugar Defeating the purpose. It really does. Now. Do you do you want to know who that guy grew up to be? Who the police officer? So here's your beer straight up police officers that believe in anthropomorphic Bunnies that were walking around. This is I don't care if you're you want to be a congressman You believe in sasquatch good go for it or woman go for it. Thank you. I just don't want my police to believe in cryptids

I don't know. I don't know why it's just I need Because then there's like I thought it was a sasquatch and it's obviously me and then cryptic communities We need brave police officers to stand retired and say I seen a moth man Isn't it crazy how the word retired changes so much like i'm a policeman I'll be like, oh, okay, cool man. Nice to meet you. Uh great to chat with you at the bar. I'm a retired policeman Tell me everything. Tell me every story that you haven't like as soon as you can't arrest me because now you're out Now you're in because now I'm gonna say something like because you know, I'm high right now And he'll have to be like, yeah, I've heard that damn it. Damn again. I'm just sick of all of you

Now at least I can openly wear women's underwear Now this is another story. This is not this is the same thing or the like it was that story There's multiple of these Wow researcher Steven wacker posted a list of over a dozen sightings of santa claus people have said they've seen santa claus What do you think is interesting people zip it up there because yes, but never know But santa the thing about seeing santa claus. He's a if he is it let's call him a cryptid. He's a humanoid cryptid Oh, yes, so you can see santa claus. I mean we see Santa claus many many times santa clauses We're gonna become santa clauses as we go to grow older the easter bunny unique. That's a bunny the leprechaun

That's interesting, but everyone's seeing santa claus because santa claus until I see him flying With 12 reindeer shitting above my head. I will just assume that's an overweight out-of-work actor But much like truly much like uh bigfoot. I want to see the scat You want to see santa scat? Do you think it's magical scat? Magical scat if I see some hovering scat, but do you think it's candy? I hope I won't because isn't that is that in the l-floor Um with santa claus from will ferrell's elf. I believe that they shit candy I don't they shit candy. I hope that they shit

If they're shit, I feel like it's still shit You know what I mean? If they're shitting candy You probably still shouldn't be eating the candy because it's their waste product. I feel like that's what candy is is elf Shit, I don't know. I had a Cadbury cream egg yesterday. Yeah, it's like it does taste like pure shit It's garbage. Yeah, they're rather sweet out here. I would rather a chocolate exterior with real yoke in it I don't want to again. I'm savory ass. It's like, mmm. I love a yoke. I'd actually I'd just drink them What are these cell just tubs of yoke? They do they do uh, you can you can get it. Oh, yeah, just egg Yeah, you can oh, yeah, just beaters. Yeah, I gotta start slinging that down man. Get up like I need to get cut this summer

I swear to god kids. You wouldn't know. I swear to god the candy was better when we were younger They were it is because the chocolate was like more shot. This is plasticky chocolate. We're just oh, wow We were really getting into this like a deep into 40s material today. Go suck this dolly. The llama Tongue well, let's tell this story a naked man driving stolen school bus was found with dead deer inside I was kind of saddened by this story because that's really it Well, he let the police on the police chase. Yeah, but they it was a it was a slow one And then it was they were driving around it wasn't that exciting and then when they got to him He was naked. Yeah

It was in a school bus. There was no kids in it that that would have been exciting If it was full of kids and they were all screaming and stuff that would be a fun story Well, the kids would have that's a mutiny the kids would have taken it over. What nothing Can you imagine that I actually love the idea of a movie so it's a heist Oh, fuck it lost my car gets into the school bus It's nothing but children and it almost turns into kind of a huge kindergarten cop story That would be cool. We're the end of the bus driver. He's gonna crack What about a child version of john wick where the kid is murdering a bunch of the adults

to kill his dog Well, either way, we don't need to honestly buddy. Have you watched the news? Have you seen the news? I think that these children are john wick. Oh, no, I got another story. Well, yeah, unfortunately They are forced to go through the same Keanu Reeves like training, but I was interested to hear a little bit about this story Because it takes place in pennsylvania in gettysburg A historic place the officer say this guy he stole this school bus from giant foods And then uh, yeah, but oh, yeah, giant foods. I know giant, but I don't know if he was naked when he took it No, he's he stripped off his clothes until he had his emotional support that dear with him

Oh, I see so after so they so they were like, okay So Officers say sanders ran he stripped off all of his clothes until he was fully naked And then he ran through the numerous parking lots and it gets you what man? It is not going to discourage them from tackling you. I know you think it will up to a point But unfortunately for them, they're gonna have to get you an open dick or not But I think this this sentence is going to change your entire prerogative. So the reason that the man was running was he crashed his bmw vehicle

And then he got out Ran butt ass naked took off all of his clothes And then got into the bus, but there's nobody that's not a crime to drive naked. I actually heard recently I asked actually that to our brave audience and I got a message saying that it's not illegal to drive naked Why did he have the dead deer you might ask? Well, he was attempting to drive it to his home to use his fertilizer in his garden No, I think this man had a lot of ideas. No, do you just lay it down until if it comes Like I've seen that time-lapse video of like ants eating a corpse and stuff

I don't know that what you do just lay it there and then or you bury it What about scouts scouts grow grass grow? I'm supposed to cause cancer Something's supposed to go everything's gotta get At some point. Oh first of all screaming about screaming something's gotta give I want to say thank you to everybody who showed up to our show Oh, I'm Friday with you guys who arrived and I just want to say thank you very much. We had technical issues You guys were really really strong as the microphones didn't work

But it showed the power of real theater which when it boils down is just the stage a couple of lights and pantomime That's all you need. Yeah, the guy uh very everything the checkout disaster man is fantastic And uh, you know what given the fact everyone's about to go on strike It's gonna sell. It's gonna sell. It's gonna sell. Um The guys at the camp the microphones didn't work together In unit they didn't work together. See that was only have one on which does it make any sense? That is actually not how microphones work. There's a whole board that you plug microphones into But I do guys officially a one. I don't I don't know the name of the microphone company

But there is one microphone company that I hate and I don't even know how to describe it is a Korean company called shitae mics Okay, wow funny stuff. I don't even I don't even write this. I don't write these things. Thank you This has come out of me. Um, there's no no talking about coming out of you If you've seen the story of the woman that was the Spanish I believe Actrice who uh used her own son's cum to make her own grandson. Yeah, I did see this and I am um So anyway, it's a Spanish she's 68 years old 68 years. Yeah Uh, she's the star she used her dead son's sperm. That's gotta be a hot old woman So she can make her dead son cum isn't but why how did they get it?

I think they got it the old-fashioned way digging them up cutting off the balls How did you get can you get come from a corpse? Apparently you can get the cum was frozen before which must have been a horrible day at the ice cream store And then they they took that cum and at first I was kind of really more surprised I was really excited about the story because I heard Spanish TV star uses dead son's sperm to have granddaughter And I was like, oh, this is gonna be fun because I thought she was having it But actually she had a surrogate makes it less fun But it's still gonna be her grandmother

But I now would be fucking incredible But I don't know then if that's incest if you just have decoupled sperm From your dead son right up inside of you and then you have a child Like I don't know that is incest is it or is that just like is that too many like steps in between? Well, that's kind of I guess like if you fuck your your son's or child's dead corpse is that that's bad Yeah, that's bad as worse incest first or necrophilia in both. Yeah, that's a hyphen. But which comes first incest incest necrophilia Yeah, I guess that story's L. G. L. G. Mail.com. Are you a even in expert in incest necrophilia?

Even in death, isn't it still her son? Apparently that's what got people up into a debate. Oh, no, man, but amen She made she made her son, which means she made that come Yes, so it belongs to her. That's her semen and is the last memory that she has of her own son The name of the baby is anna sandra Interesting Sandra hey man, it sounds like anna sandra the surrogate But I don't all I know is that she definitely is not going to be traumatized when she hears about how she was conceived

She says the girl isn't my daughter, but my granddaughter. See I don't know to be honest with you He put it in the in the thing there in the chiller and we're gonna do it. I'm fine with it. I don't care Also, you and I got into the thing the last time with melissa ethridge and dave cross I just don't know if she studded the best cow where they never fully she did Yeah, but then he but he's by the way, I saw Whenever we're done, well, you know in the next couple of years and then we'll take a little break and then we'll be like Life is better together. Uh, there's a three-year carnival cruising go on Oh for what?

Travel all around the world getting drunk. You just go for three years. Can you how many times can you get dysentery? Like before it just becomes a part of your very dna I don't know, but I would like to be there for two years. It's a new group gets on. Yeah You have any questions guys, would you guys inform? Oh, yeah, you pull everybody's papers So anyway, um, you know what official decision? She seems happy Who cares? Equality minister Irene Montero said surrogacy is a form of violence against women. Is there is a clear poverty bias?

You know, I'm not it sounds really complicated I was like a very complicated sentence. Was that really complicated for yeah for an analysis. I just so I read that literally off of this article Yeah, I mean, I didn't know what that means. We're not we're not having the debate about equity inequality and surrogacy I say I'm talking about this old bitch. If you got her kids cream I think if you're looking to blow out your pussy, you should be legally allowed to do it I legally you should be legally allowed. Is that what you're trying to do? You're trying to make your your clip into a fucking little punching bag We're not going to derail this into a conversation about spanish politic

I don't I don't even know how to say spanish, but politics in spanish. I don't know. Oh, yeah Probably Let's see here a homeless woman killed a shelter coordinator with an axe No, this is just a brutally sad story. No, it is. I just said I just wanted to say the words with an axe Yeah It's very sad because she was much beloved and and then she uh, yeah, she killed her with a hatchet everyone was mad That is sad. It wasn't like great. No, everyone was immediately like no, thank you And that homeless woman was canceled. Leah rosin pritchard. All right, pish beautiful woman. Anyway, no jokes there

No, but you know, all right, let's move on. This is the thing we talked about. We're about to go back to australia First of all australian tour coming your fucking way go to the last podcast on the laugh.com at least Go look up our dates. We're coming to we're coming to australia. Can't wait, but What what did we learn last time? Oh, also hail yourself just i'm i can hear the manager good plug Hail yourself this sunday. It's going to be an oxnard come to level d live to see us Oh laughter. We are so good. Please come hang out with us this sunday engagement april 16. I don't know. God damn it. I don't know what day it is today. That'd be frank Uh, so when we learned about australia, right? Yes, you best not be bringing your emotional support seats

You must not be bringing your funny little guy. You caught a bunch of frogs in tampon. Are you going to sit me? Joke about it. Everybody's gonna freak out, right? I think we made a joke in the uber on the way to the airport We'd be like gonna bring this grape with us and the man like stopped and was like never discussed that I didn't think about it. He's like seriously. Do you have grapes? Do you have fucking grapes? And we're like, no, no No, no, no, just All right, so this guy He took a platypus on the train ride. This is in australia

But apparently though the thing about seeing a platypus is that it's very rare. Number one Is that we know for a fact that a male platypus is extremely venomous. You have to be careful. Number two. Yeah, they're very endangered All right, and if you see a platypus, you're supposed to leave him alone. Now, there's a guy when we had our conversation with Oh my god, one of our many great conversations about cryptids It was that our patreon apparently the platypus was originally encrypted. Yes, and then people were like, I don't think that's real And if you didn't go kill one bring it back and we'd be like see motherfuckers Oh, yes, when they when they first arrived with them, they could didn't know what it was but this guy Which they've not named now they found a what it was called the elusive critter

In northern clansland right now in according to Queensland police It'll be further alleged the pair were observed showing the animal to members of the public at the shopping center Now they went and they found there's footage here. You see this cute little footage right here. Is it illegal to do this? By the way, it is No, it's not even that big of a platypus. It's got a maximum fine of australian dollars 40 430 thousand 1,000 dollars for handling what handling a platypus you can handle my million for 15

Wait a second. Why? Because they are that would that would that's generational poverty conservation laws It is illegal to take one or more platypus From the wild because they are very they're dangerous He says taking a platypus from the world is not only illegal But it will be become a dangerous for about the displaced animal and the first involved in the platypus is mild as they are The venomous venomous spits. So it's too in in us dollars, which is drastically going down It is 288 thousand dollars. Yes, that is so fucking absurd to me. Do you get to keep the platypus at that point?

I think I'm keeping the platypus. They're still sick, but they don't know where the hell they wear the platypus went after They're saying they dumped it in the river Which is good because there's where platypus got go Well, that's what a bad post got to be going with stubby tails like a beaver in a bill of a duck platypus Is we're famously seen as a hoax and they're very cute and we know for a fact that platypus Very they are they're small Because you see right here the one he's got tucked in his hands It's not he's lucky that it's a it was a lady

But not a male platypus Is so the women are just like they're totally chill and the dude is like getting near me mother We have a spur in his towel that makes him venomous So you gotta be careful you can't fuck with the platypus I don't think that these people have done anything that wrong the platypus for those first context The platypus is the size of a hamster No, it's a bit. It's a little bigger Not much. I mean, I say closer. I pull I place it closer to a guinea pig

A guinea pig a guinea pig. All right, guinea pig. It is. It's kind of big and I know I've held the dead one in my hands That's great. You remember that story. I don't and I wait for my mother. No, I don't know. It's technically it's one of our biggest vests Yes, of course the guinea. Yes of the guinea pig that you had in your house named like terminator or something It was named. It was named. Oh, what did she call it? It was fucking real stupid. I was like waskily That's what my mom called my mom. How you know? It's like, oh, it knows and you'd be surprised everybody says Henry Thomas and guinea pigs don't have personalities But I could tell each one of them by this week. I could tell them apart by this week And I knew and then she fed him

again God we we escaped up dead man I I was I was supposed to die like that dude from seven in my mom's Basement, that's what that's what she was. She could have she wished her last words to me could have been like, oh, you want some On that Henry Thomas because we used to just eat pasta covered in ricotta cheese I mean, it's not bad. It's delicious. I love my mom used to cook this. Oh, I was thinking about I'm so hungry We used to cook a bunch of like country pork Hmm

My mom used to make this like a nice gravy on Sundays I'm not sure satchas and pork in there and she's served that over ziti And then you put a dollop of ricotta cheese on top of that for healthy Yum, yum, yum. No, let's make it soft. So slide in nice and then you went on suck my tongue Yeah, every together me like you take that sweet ricotta, but then you went outside and you worked it all off Oh, yeah, always at the farm. Yeah, that was a week because we needed to have a meal because we were dredging at filth from the local River I know we're eating now more than we did when we were active farmers. It's a problem in them

Um, all right. Well, just lastly the only story I wanted to cover You want us to go back to on agrarian lifestyle? There was this passenger and I just like you because there's did you watch the video of this guy? Yes, so this fucking total scumbag So he's sitting first class sometimes if you sit first class you might get if they are in a nice mood or if there's time You might get a little bevy before takeoff. It's just nice. It literally is just supposed to be nice It's not it's certainly not a thing. I don't expect it. No, but when they're like you want a baby I was like, oh bloody me before we take off. Oh sweet. This drunk motherfucker gets on there

He wanted his gin and tonic, but he refused they they were like, no, we're gonna wait. You will get it to you in the air Total fucking meltdown. The video is just incredible. Um, he's a man child. So just checking out the new york post headlines Losing his fucking mind like literally he's acting like a child passenger handcuffed over pre-flight drink tantrum Like a five-year-old and it is so fucking funny and I don't I don't understand how any person especially a man How does a man get to this part of his life by being a total totally spoiled piece of shit that Wants everything handed to him on its silver platter because he believes he's owed a certain thing because of his monetary status and his skin color It's also American Airlines first class. I mean, I mean, I love it. I mean it's a blessing to be up there

No, it is. You can't but it's also American is a good. That's a good one. But we're not taught I mean, this isn't an international fight fucking flight to you know Whatever no, no, no, no, you could just and he um, he's definitely got like a murdoch shaped head These we you know are we need to have we need to have a white person conversation I think that we really need to all sit and talk like we need to sit Stop the Karens. We need to sit with the chads. We need to have a little bit of our group up And again, this is more of a white Deescalation meeting where we all need to sit. Hey, everybody take a chill pill. Why don't we eat some Cadbury eggs?

Just please where you guys all love that fake yoke, right? Why don't we sit and just chill out understand? We're in a lucky place Like just fucking just just be be chill. You're in first class dog. You're already fine. Just fucking chill out Sleep one person quipped the whining like a five-year-old and the jumping flailing certainly Surprised me and then one person said I didn't expect him to start weeping like that. I mean that he started to cry I just don't understand There's something about he says one person says when his shoe came off it reminded me of my five-year-old He lost his fucking shoe. This is my true social commentary that i'm going to put in here

There's my one bit of wisdom that i'm starting to understand something is happening when you hit between 45 and 50 with some of these guys specifically guys like this They feel themselves separating and their generation separating from the generation before them and then instead of understanding No, this is the ease of you growing up into a more secure area of life They panic and they freak out and they want everybody to pay attention to them like they're a five-year-old Um, you know like there's something about this concept of like no, bro. You're just not the relevant demographic as much anymore Accept it. It should be a peaceful feeling That's who wants to be under in the crosshairs of society you like you have it the zoomers can have it

You know, I mean, I love it. I'm just gonna Homer Simpson jiff as I you buy I promise you the older I get You're just gonna hear funny quips for me. I'm gonna be like that Leslie jordan guy, but satan I'm just gonna say net and I like funny naughty things I'm not gonna let you know what I think about Any of the presidents unless we all unless I mean again, we all know what should happen every president But I well it does seem like that seems to be one of your going trends. Uh, yeah, you're definitely you're definitely calming down Um, so anyway, look at me So anyway, so the man was then arrested and I will say this when it comes to the cops on the air place

I brought pleasure down. I got I got it tested the other day 130 Wow over 65 and so now I know as a person that not only is One with myself. Mm-hmm But I'm one with Gaia herself Suck my tongue buddy. Suck my tongue. Suck my tongue. There we go. All right, everyone. So anyway Don't be rude and when the cops show up in here and you're on a plane. It's over. It's okay. Let's do hero of the week I Patricia Borges this was actually my hero for saturday as well. Yeah, it's a fantastic woman. She's a worker at the r.m. Palmer county

Um, I think county factory in west reading She was uh inside of a burning building when it collapsed. Oh very scary But she lived because she fell into a vat of liquid chocolate and it saved her life Unlike augustus gloop. It really did help. I just see a meme the other day of well You remember when george w. Bush was told that the towers came down when he was reading for the kids And it was willy wonka and it's the same secret service guy going like, uh, there's a second kid hidden in the chocolate river That's funny. I just described a meme. No, it's funny there. Patricia Borges. Uh, she detailed It was a horrifying story an explosion at the r.m. Palmer

Factory it caused the facility in west reading to go up in flames And she was already inside the building. She said one arm was already burning So she had to jump into all of the chocolate When Borges began to burn she says I thought it was the end for me very scary I asked god why he was giving me such a horrible death I asked him to save me Yeah, that I didn't want to die in the fire also. Wow, if you're god, you do have to think about that I don't know. I liked that this person was like god. Why are you doing this to me? He's like, yeah

The fine jump in the chocolate. I just feel like that that that wasn't god You know what I mean? Because god there's so many millions of people Just like you say hard die. Maybe god was the chocolate I think that god was one of us, which was a safety worker 4 30 p.m. Roughly 30 minutes before the explosion factory workers reported a strong odor And they asked the supervisor what's going on and then I'm sorry. I just hit my pants And then they were going to be evacuated but the blast occurred And then she's only four foot 10 and then she found herself chest high in chocolate

I feel like that's why honestly part of the reason why she survived was because she was so small. She was like a little suitcase Yeah So anyway, that's good for honestly, it's nice But I will just say happen sats helped you and you just embrace it isn't that nice So they should probably figure out what's going on in that factory Yeah, I would I take a look at it. I take a gander. Yeah, um because it seems like there's actually a history of problems It's not good. But anyway, she's here of the week. She is it honestly and chocolate We're gonna work followed by chocolate. Hey, hey, I love it. Uh, we got some listener emails. All right

I got one. I got several I got several listener emails. I talked about as working as a casino worker because we talked about steven paddock Yes, interesting. We will eventually do an entire episode about steven paddock. I know that we we will do it I was thinking about him this weekend. Um, yeah He's doing you I was also realizing how stupid. I mean, he's just so stupid Yes, and like but I give you a million dollars the casino doesn't care Many casino workers reach out. We're gonna do a full episode and I want to we will eventually talk about all of the conspiracy theories Attached to his story and go through them because there's a lot to there

I think there's a lot that has been exaggerated on the internet and a lot is also It was just like it was fucked up and there's a lot of fishy stuff wrapped up in it But I will we will one day porse through that once we have like all our researchers up in it Yeah, but a lot of casino workers say that steven paddock's behavior tracks Dealing with like black card members people that are high rollers freaking out like having like temper tantrum style like reactions and I got a player's part It's like, yeah, but you're there to literally you are a cog in the machine

You're wasting your money here. You're correct. Have fun with your life and then three times a year Go to Vegas and know that you're gonna spend 2,500 bucks. You ain't gonna get it back You're not gonna get it back It's the best thing about it is because now you're free from worrying about you know what I was watching yesterday I did on youtube slot machine big hits And there was one moment. This was incredible. That's not no it actually I texted Irvine at like three o'clock in the morning Yesterday, I think be like, well, I'm gonna kiss you

But then I was like, what if I just watched slot machines on the on the program. Well, that's methadone Yeah, and this woman got 20 grand or something like that. She was she's playing a big buffalo game And I could just oh my god. She got so many multiple Bros, she got like 94 games, bro I mean, you know, I feel like at some point that they then they investigated right them They like no they hit it with a blackjack and drag around the body back She put in one grand all the way down. She's like honey. Let's give it another try a grand into a slot machine That other grand got almost 200 and then boom it all turned around

That's sickness man. You can't put a grand in the fucking slot machine wasn't her money. She was with her sugar I mean, oh, yeah, I accidentally that's that's no sugar daddy. If you are sugar daddy, you're like money will spit No, they were they were very cute together. They would fist bump. Oh, they were related somehow They had the money they were mouse kit was he going like suck my tongue I don't know if she was with the dolly llama. Okay. Well, here's into the story from the last episode um, there's a lot I got also a good thing people I got an Email talking about people giving goats that they need to raise to be specifically slaughtered and how that's actually fairly normal

Okay amongst farmers they talk about like getting a child go you get a goat as a child And then you kind of half raise it and then you're the whole point is to have your heart broken watching your farmer father kill Oh, this is about that that story where they were like, can we keep the goat? And then they said no when they took the goat and then everyone got in trouble. Yes, I understand but again Let's just have a little carve out sometimes That's what I agree with the person is emotionally crying senator came to take a child's goat There was no reason for it. No, okay. Now. Here's a here's a story about a dream Long story short. I was telling my best friend about a weird dream. I had way the moon exploded

Turned into cheese and ran some sort of fed on there and I promptly ate it And he said you think that's fucking weird when I was in high school I had a dream that I was abducted my aliens when I got to the ship They told me I was a part of a mating program They put me into right and they put me in a room with a woman who's I was told they said hey They're like, oh, they put me with the women and then they went to go Uh, they were like, you know amongst them and I was like, hey, wait a second. I'm a I'm not a girl, right? And he said for context my friend is a bit jiggly and he does have large man boobs

This is your friend writing about you just so you know, okay, the aliens and told him that no you have breasts You're a woman All right, which I understand I feel more woman than man after times with my fucking heavies, right? And I laughed my ass off when he told me this story But afterwards I said what ifs I started like what if it wasn't a dream What if my boy was really abducted and then misgendered by aliens? Well, I'll tell you one thing the aliens are gonna quickly leave They're going to once they once they are like what's going on with Bud Light's doing what now?

Oh, yeah, they also for some reason all the aliens also who gives you flying fuck. It's piss water. Just drink the fucking thing Um Bud Light Drink the fucking don't worry kissles making up for the don't worry. It doesn't fucking matter. Um Um, the uh aliens they do sound to me like Oh, yeah, like Eric the actor No, I'm very deep into very deep an hour turn old day. Eric the actor is such a Cliff no bro. No one knows who that is. I love him. I thought it was Eric the the RR

to be You'll read my screen. Oh, yeah, man. It's it's a 25 year old bit All right, it's next next letter. I live in the Yukon Came up the other day and I was raised there. I love last podcast I was listening to the last roundup episode and Ben brought up the sour toe cocktail Now my mother has done the sour toe multiple times. She kissed the toe and I've done it twice suck my toe It truly was a weird experience. Honestly, it's so much grosser if it would be a tongue. Oh, yeah The toe is preserved in salt and you must drink it with a 70 percent alcohol

And the toe must touch your lips and if you steal the toe or swallow it it's five grand Now the reason for such a large fine Yeah back in my mother's day the fine was 500 bucks and he was donating your toe when you die You sign a contract before doing the toe drink So story goes sifting you so years back a man came to the bar asked for the sour toe Signed the contract and while being read the rules the man pulled out $500 cash slam the drink back Swallowed in the toe. Oh, he then walked out. It was never seen again. Needless to say they raised the price Oh

70% isn't that that's like that's fucking uh, that's not good. Well, you get a hundred and one like 150 right? You can do 151 stuff again. I guess yeah, that's technically 175 percent alcohol. So yeah, just gross. It's gross Don't do it. No unless or do it. I guess you're trying to make somebody horny by doing it If I was doing some travel show or even just traveling in real life and I was at some Place and it just was and like kiss the toe and I was already eight beers in I'd be like, oh, yeah, sure And you know, I would do it. It's not the most disgusting thing. That's why I ate that pig's eyeballs Right because I was already hammered. Yeah, that was that's true. And there was pressure and They presented it to you like you were gonna love it. No, you're not not ate it. And you know what?

I did you did you ate it Man, the next day in the green room your shits you can hear them. God, it was just weird. I just think we're not supposed to eat them No, I don't think we are. I think unless you're just truly desperate or if you're like up your hyena I think the nutritional aspect of it is very limited. Oh, yeah, it's just pure fat. It's just pure fat So come and join us. We're gonna be doing a live classy night out April 19th here at the pack theater in Los Angeles. Check it out. You can look it up on event brightness Tape in classy night out. You're gonna see that pig. You're gonna see that event right there and you're gonna absolutely love being a part of our All right, so live

Every day. All right, knowing for a fact that yeah sure sure sure sure sure sure sure. Yeah, I might be almost 40 That doesn't mean I'm irrelevant But I might be less relevant and that's actually really good because then I can come up with cooler ideas They say that men hit their prime in their 40s. I I actually feel my my tits are bigger My penis is lower. Yeah, I feel just like I feel way more like me than I've ever been All right, and I laugh every day. Haha. Yeah thinking about how I thought like oh as you get older You just get dumber and dumber, but you don't actually you just get wiser You start to understand what it's to say and what's not to say look at us

Look at us never getting us accidentally into trouble every single words You don't say which is but the thing is that sometimes the words that we do say what gets us to trouble But then you just have to love the fact that the best part about getting older Is that you get a little bit more easier? On yourself right for the mistakes you've made during the programming and maybe some of the lack of preparation Absolutely life is nothing but a series of different troubles also again. Yeah, man There's no such thing as a dress rehearsal dog. You are live on stage 24 7 in life. No, no. All right, uh april 16

Check out the show there. Hail yourself. We're going to play the documentary and talk for like an hour afterwards It'll be really fun. And so that's going to be a levity live. That's going to be an oxnard Brea improv 5 7 23 and improv and that'll be really fun. So check out that show and 7 30 23 at the Ontario improv in Canada, but I'll put those all on my social media Instagram Ben kissle one. They're really trying to get me blue star. They wanted me to fill out this whole paperwork But I didn't do it yet. You see I think they might be going them the way of uh of twitter 2. No, I think you just have to fill you got to ask for it Yeah, I'm not paying for jack shit though. No, I'm not paying for it. All right, everyone. Thank you for listening. Hail yourselves

I'll take it. Congratulations, everybody You gotta help me because you don't help me who's gonna help me With the platypus back with the platypus back if you find it and don't suck the time Unless it'll kill you get paid upfront. It will fucking kill you This show is made possible by listeners like you Thanks to our ad sponsors You can support our shows by supporting them for more shows like the one you just listened to go to last podcast network.com