Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Sword Fight on Stardust Ranch

Episode Date: February 28, 2019

Ben 'n' Henry are back with this week's true crime news: Exploding port-o-potties, humpback whales, and MORE. TRIPLE L.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last stop. On the left. Side stories. That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yeah. Another, another fine Wednesday, isn't it, Kissel? It's a beautiful Wednesday. It's actually miserable. It is 25 degrees cold here. My dog just, I just gave Puffett a haircut. I saw. You gave him a haircut? No, I didn't give him a haircut. I paid a very nice man to give him a haircut. It took four hours. The haircut took four hours and they kept on calling and being like, just a little longer. And I'm like, is he alive? Or is he? Just let me know if he's dead right now. They're taking their time and they are enjoying Puffett. And I don't mean enjoying Puffett like Kevin Spacey with his audition tutorials.

I'm talking, they are liking his presence and they are laughing with him and he's making jokes and they're cutting the shit. It's like what happens with Wendy? Wendy goes and sits at the groomer for like seven hours, but I know she's being fed pets. She's been fed treats and stuff like that. Well, yeah, I know what they're, I know. They're acting a little Robert Crafty. That's all I'm saying. Just get my dog out of there. Real topical. Get my dog out of there. Real topical. What kind of place is this? That's what I wanted to know. But anyway, he's cold now. Now he's cold because I gave him a puppy cut and he should have his bear fur back on, man. He needed a trim because the hairs were touching the cement. Once the hairs are touching the cement, that's when it's bad because then you're getting all the shit particles in there and he gets all crusty. That's the problem. Every time he would poop, it was a whole, we had to do a comb out, a full like comb out at the, you know.

Oh, you had to do a Zabrowski parting of the seas. I tell you what, I had to do this yesterday, right? So I was kind of, I wasn't half in the bag, but I was looking at the bag. You know what I mean? So it's like I had a beer or two and I sit and I went and I was like, man, I am sick of pulling all these dingleberries out, so I got to do the old Dustin back there. I had to clear some of this territory, right? Now, do you take a lighter and do you burn it? Do you do kind of a... No, like a Pap Buchanan? Do you remember Pap Buchanan when he was on the road and they made a big deal and CNN about you? They burned his hair with this new haircut style or whatever. I have no idea. I don't know why I remember that from 1998, but I put a mirror down between my heels, right? And it's an awful sight.

Oh yeah. It's a fucking, the worst sight. I am the worst chicken in the world. Oh my goodness. You see that? And so what happened is that I work around the front because I was like, well, maybe I'll give the front a little bit of a trend. Oh my. You know, like just to kind of like, you know, Natalie, it doesn't take a lot for her to impress. She married me. Right, right. So it doesn't take a lot. So, but as I'm cutting it, what did I do?

Uh-oh. Did you bob it yourself? I got the tiniest little nick on my balls. Oh my goodness. Where I got so close and I pinched it and I cut it with the littlest bit and it's like a paper man. So you cut it like, you know, when you cut out a paper man over multiple folded sheets, it's like that with your ball skin. It turns like two other little cuts. And it is awful to feel that feeling.

And my penis doesn't want to be confident because it's so scared of the pain of the stretch. Yeah, buddy. You had the nightmare from Big Lebowski when he's running down the street and the nihilists just have the huge scissors chasing after him because he's tripping his brains off out of the drugs that, uh, what was it? Jackie Treehorn gave him. But I was so concerned about not cutting my brim that I cut my front. Yeah, buddy. All right. This is Side Stories, not a barber's podcast.

We don't know anything about cutting hair, whether it be dog or balls now that I have to say that. Thank you so much, Henry. You don't do that? No, I don't do. I never would ever, ever put in here underneath. No. No. I am also not you.

Nature. I am God did not curse me. You don't have to cut it a little bit. Nah, man, we don't have to get into all that right now. I'm going to say this is the vulnerability moment. People like hearing us be vulnerable. I don't know. They're sick of the fucking charade and how confident and powerful we are in this podcast.

What this is is to expose some of the soft, tawny underbelly of the men that they've come to admire. When people say they would like to know a softer side of you or the underbelly of your brains, they don't mean literally your soft underbelly. That is what you get. They don't literally want to see that. I am Ben. That's Henry. You know who we are. All right.

This is Side Stories. We've got some fun stories to get to. A couple of the stories are a little older, but they're new to us. They're new to us. We like it when you guys send the stories, no matter what age they're at. And I tell you what, because technically I owe you $300 worth of steak. We're about to get that because of the stream. Watch the stream if you don't watch the stream.

Tuesday nights, it's fun. At 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on adultswhip.com. But I now owe Kissel $300 a steak. We're going to get some luga. Uh-oh. Which is going to be pretty sweet in New York City, Brooklyn. Ooh, age steak. Ooh, it's better than new steak.

Absolutely. I cannot wait to get that luga steak over here in beautiful, beautiful, freezing cold Brooklyn. Let's see. So the biggest story of the week, I think we do have to talk just a little bit about it. It combines my love of football and crime stories. And jerking off? No, not that. All right.

Robert Krept. Now this dude, he's the owner of the New England Patriots, very politically connected. And of course the New England Patriots, I'm sure we got some fans out there, but they should have lost the AFC game. The AFC championship game to the Chiefs. It was a horrible call by the referee. They called a ruffy the passer when Tom Brady was barely touched. It was a Tom Brady call all the way. It was a Tom Brady penalty and it was aggravating.

They shouldn't have been there. Is this what it's like being your bartender at Applebee's? Yes, kind of. Honestly, it kind of is. But I don't understand. Robert Krept, does he have anything to do with the cheese? I don't think he does. Honestly.

I actually don't know that answer. Maybe we could, Travis, could you see if Robert Krept has anything to do with Kraft cheese? Anyway, January 20th, this was before the day of the Kansas City Chiefs game. Robert Krept goes to this place. It's called Orchids of Asia. It's a spot. Oh, you're getting jerked off in there. I guess so.

You can tell how you know if you can get jerked off in a massage booth is if it has a doorbell. Oh, I did not know that. Yeah, I didn't know that. So the thing is, now he's getting charged with a misdemeanor here for going and soliciting sex work. But the big news that we will obviously talk about just briefly here is that no one knows where these women, the clientele, the Jans, don't know where these women are coming from. Of course not. Evidently, they were over there in China and they were led to believe they got some big time opportunities in America. Come and get a job here and this is where they ended up working.

They don't speak the language very well and they were basically indentured servants. So I'm just going to say this. You walk into a massage parlor, a place where you might have a sexual experience with someone. Just ask where everyone is from and if everyone doesn't say like Orlando. So do crowd work? You have to do crowd work. Like walk in, do crowd work to a brothel. Yes.

And see what everybody else, because I think a lot of people have secrets in a brothel. It's the people that are human traffic there, which is awful. Horrible. Everybody else, I'm certain it's just been like, yeah, no, for real. My name is Jasmine. I am from Las Vegas. Yes, and I am training to be a doctor. You know what?

That works. That works. We got Jasmine from Las Vegas training to be a doctor. I know for a fact she's there because she needs to make some cash and she is in charge. Unlike Robert Kraft, who just walked in and was just like, they magically appear. It reminds me of what happened with Jeffrey Epstein. Yes, all of these fucking pieces of shit. I feel that Robert Kraft again, I mean him getting busted forward is essentially just

a way to fucking get him, right? Everybody's trying to do whatever it is to get him. But really obviously the unsold, the terrible story of this is the women that are forced into this behavior where it's like when it comes down to it, it's like you kind of wish that like sex workers had a safe place to be and the wish that sex work could actually just be a legitimate job. Totally. Robert Kraft can show up and be like, hello, it's me, I own the Patriots, I love cheese,

I put my entire wealth upon cheese, and now I'm in there to get sick. Robert Kraft has nothing to do with the cheese. But he can still lie. He is worth $6.6 billion, so he does make that cheddar. He does make thank you Travis. I've heard slang before. But you know what that's what it comes down to? If you had made it so that this is not some stupid scandal, it is nice to see him get

arrested, great, who fucked this guy, fucked this piece of shit. I hope they beat him with a bunch of fucking socks or whatever to fucking jails the house. I don't give a shit about that. Well, you know, he's one of these guys who took the strong stance against the players kneeling. He was trying to be holier than thou, all this stuff. And it's like, of course, that's why I say glass house is. Stop throwing stones at people because you never know.

Is he very fat? He's old, he's rich fat, he's not the fattest dude on earth. But anyway, so Kraft entered this place on January 20th to visit orchards of orchids of Asia. I'm looking at this guy. I can't imagine what it would be like looking up at him if you're pulling on his weird little turtle hat. He's just like, I know Tom Brady. I'm sure he does say that quite a bit.

So 20th, so this was January 20th, the day before he also visited. And the day before, evidently, he took part in a 25 minute three way that included a rubdown by two women. Lucky, lucky ladies. I would. That is what we call sarcasm. It's opposite day. That's an opposite sentence.

During the January 19th incident, the woman entered the room at 449 p.m. By the way, these cops, this is like a hell of a stake out they have. Yes, they got this. So 449 p.m. The chick enters the room, began massaging Kraft, who was faced down until he turned over at 512 when the lights went out. The lights came back on at 514. And one woman can be seen standing to his right, standing to his right side.

And her front hand is seen fondling him for two minutes. Wow. Two minutes. So they really, we know way too much information about what happened there. But again, Robert Kraft, it's just a misdemeanor. But the people who own it, you know, they definitely are going to look, they're looking at some serious charges of sex trafficking, human trafficking. And again, just make sure everything is on the up and up.

Where are these people from? Talk to them. And if it seems like they can't leave because they also live there, maybe, you know, think about what you're participating in and be the change you want to see in the world. All these people could just go fuck themselves. Robert Kraft can just straight go fuck himself. I feel bad for these women. They shouldn't have to touch his penis.

Well, I think what happened here is Robert Kraft, because he is so well known, billionaire to obviously a billionaire. I feel like you would vet this shit. Wouldn't you? Well, I think what he was going to place it's pretty firmly on lockdown. What I think he was doing was being like, I can't just go to pure platinum solid gold in beautiful Miami, Florida. I can't just go where everyone else goes because they're going to be like, that's Robert Kraft.

So in his mind, he's like, I better go to the place no one will suspect and no one will ever see. That makes no sense. I don't know. That's what I'm speculating. I think it's the opposite. You walk in the room. You buy everybody a lap dance.

You buy the entire room. And everyone's like, Robert Kraft. Robert Kraft. And he gets up there and he's pouring champagne all over his Wario shaped body. And everyone's been like, look at that fucking tubby billionaire got a hard on. I love to see it. And everybody's in there just rooting him on. That's how you do it in my mind.

I know that. It would make more sense, but I think he also, you know, he had a little bit of a shame thing going on, whatever, even though you know, anyway, that's what I hope he chokes to death. He thought he was fucking dies in his fucking sleep. That fucking piece of shit. Well, actually that's dumb face. That's the best way to go is dying.

I know. I know. I wish that he I wish that technically he died by being forced through a spaghetti strainer. Well, I don't think we need to be wishing death upon. I just said glass houses and I think the biggest rock that there is, which is the wish of death. Come and get me.

I'm Teflon. Oh my goodness. Well, speaking of Robert Kraft, this humpback whale washer short and Amazon River baffling scientists in Brazil. This story is totally crazy. Well, we'll, we'll update you a little bit on the craft story. But anyway, that's just a little bit of an interesting NFL tale because he was so, um, he was so upset with all those players protesting police brutality.

That's how it always is. All right. Don't like gay people. They are gay. That's what it always is. All right. Lindsey Graham. No way.

All right. So humpback whale washes a sword and Amazon River baffling scientists in Brazil. This is a very surreal picture and this got sent to us many times. Oh yeah. And I love seeing this kind of stuff because it just looks like a fucking cartoon. It is a young humpback whale was found dead on Friday on an island near the mouth of the Amazon River in Brazil. Scientists are investigating how it died and why is it so far from where they migrate

this time of year? So weird. So just in Brazil, we're stunned to discover a young humpback whale on Friday that had washed ashore in a remote forested island in the Amazon River at a time of the year when it should have already migrated thousands of miles to Antarctica. Wow. But they don't know it's it's 20. It's about 50 feet from the shore.

It's a lifeless humpback 26 feet long. Yeah, dude. Fucking huge. This thing is a baby. It is 10 tons. If you watch the video, independent has a good little video on their independent dot co.uk website. How big I'm like totally ignorant.

How big do they get? They get big. They're the biggest. They are the biggest. I believe I'm not the Ripley's here, but I believe that they are the other Ripley's is the proper person, Guinness. I believe they're the biggest land animal. I mean, or animal that exists.

Yes. See animal. Well, it's definitely a sea animal. Travis, they they they weigh about 66,000 pounds and they can get to about 52 feet in length. Nice. So scientists are like, how the hell did this get into the middle of the rainforest? They speculate that it was like a storm.

So they're like, they don't understand how it could come so far inland or why it was swimming off the coast in the first place. But they think a huge storm hurled it to the middle of the rainforest or about 50 feet out of the center of the sun. But that is like how that's very intense. What it says here with the head of the I am going to absolutely butcher this, but the head of the Brazilian conservation group, Beach of the Agua, who sounds like slavery bitch was this is inappropriate.

And she said that they think we're not a mean. We imagine it was floating and the tide took it into the mangrove. The question is, what was a humpback whale doing in the month of February on the northern coast of Brazil? It is unusual. What if an alien was out there scoping the oceans sucks up this big old humpback whale. They're like, let's try to, you know, figure out how to milk this thing or whatever they do.

Yeah, exactly. Sweet, sweet, hot whale milk. And they see the size of it and they're like, we can't fit this beautiful creature into our spacecraft. Better let it go. And then they just dropped it somewhere. Well, we already saw this on Skinwalker Ranch with the possibility of these cows being essentially like lifted and then dropped into various areas.

Maybe it is the same type of thing that they didn't have the proper equipment and they just fucking dropped it. Who fucking knows? Maybe they think committed suicide. You think so. I mean, it's boring out there. I guess so, yes. It's bad.

I mean, just floating around. I mean, I guess so. There's also a lot of food to eat. You never know what's going on in the ocean. It seems really stressful, honestly, because it's very difficult. You're just constantly on the fucking ball. Yeah, you got to be. You got human poachers and then you got all these animals.

As I live the life of a large person, a large entity, I know what the little ones do. Hey, you want to fight? You want to fight? You think you could take me? I think I could take you. It's like, I'm not even challenging you. And now you have a baby whale just be like, I'm a baby whale just chilling out and having a good baby time.

And then all of a sudden it was like, you think you're a big guy? And I'm like, and the whale's like, I'm 11 months old. And then this little fish is like, I'll take you and you're like, maybe kid, I don't even know what I'm doing yet. Was this you as a boy? Is that what you're saying? You're saying this as a boy, you were walking around essentially like a beached whale. But more, you were upright and you were playing basketball.

You were doing things for people like me coming up being like, you ain't that big. You ain't that big, big man. What do you do? You kill me and my family. You go to jail for it. I got the law on my side, big man. It's not good. So they're collecting as much information as they can by the identifying marks and wounds

on its body to see if it was caught in a net or hit by a boat. Damn. So anyway. Do you haven't been watching true detective, right? No, I haven't seen this new season. What's going on? There's just a scene in it where Stephen Dorf, Stephen Dorf is a tiny dude. He's great in it.

I didn't know Dorf was in it. No, not from the golfing video. No, I know Stephen Dorf. I know it's not Dorf on golf. That was an incredibly, what was the name of that actor? That was the, my favorite, one of my inspirations. It is... Oh my God.

He's one of the most classic comedians in the history. He's one of my inspirations. It is Tim Conway. Tim Conway. All right. He's the best man. But no, Stephen Dorf is a tiny dude and he's got kind of a fucking attitude problem. In the middle of this episode, he does this thing where he just goes up to this huge biker.

He's a tiny guy. He's probably my size. And he goes to this huge biker and he's like, yeah, I always wondered who made all the fucking monsters and shitheads in this world. And I guess it must be you and your fat old lady over there. Oh, my. He pointed to this woman, which is also an awful role for this poor woman where he had to be like, who's that fucking walrus should it?

And where it's like, and her whole job is just to sit and look ashamed. Oh. Which is very, very sad. And Stephen Dorf fights the whole fucking bar. Does he win? And he just, no. Good. No, he fucking beat him to death.

But I do, and they don't beat him to death. They don't beat him to death. They didn't beat the shit out of him. But I can understand the rage. No, of course. You're nonstop full of rage. So anyway, there's a whale in the middle of the Brazilian rainforest. No idea where it got there.

Maybe it was a storm. Maybe it was aliens. Maybe it was skinwalkers. We just don't know. And that's the fucking- We don't know. That's the fun thing about stories like this that have mystery. As soon as scientists are like, we don't know, every single person is like, I have

a theory. I bet that the humback whale was doing skydiving. You're like, yeah, get out of here, buddy. Get the fuck away from me. I'm a reporter. Yes. All right. So speaking of true detectives, I have to get an update.

Henry and I haven't discussed this yet, but of course we are still on Cargate. Yeah. Henry's car was scratched a couple of weeks ago when I was in Los Angeles with him. And Henry has been scoping out the parking lot ever since, trying to find the culprit. Any updates on who may have crashed into your car? I found out since that the cameras in the parking lot are for show. They don't actually record anything because I went to ask for some footage. What?

To try to go back at it. And they're like, no, we have the cameras, but we don't actually shoot anything. It's just like, they're just to scare people. It's like Waze World? It's like Waze World in the video shoot. He's like, there's no film in this camera, but it's real. Like he's right. It's real.

I mean, I haven't stopped looking for it. I imagine by now, maybe it went into the, it might have already gone into the shop. My car has since been released from the shop. It is just, I mean, the problem is, is that it's not about what happened to me. It's about, I can't let something like this happen to somebody else. Right. Right. And somebody has to know that if there is a, if there is a crime out there that is

done within the small radius of area between our home, my home and the studio, that somebody's going to be out there fighting for them. Right. And that's me, man. That's me. You have sort of taken on this role of, you know, a four block radius constable. I wanted to start a neighborhood watch, but the problem is that Natalie still feels like that's going to bring a lot of undue and unnecessary attention upon me in the neighborhood.

Yeah. Of course it would. There's actually some stories, there's one in particular that I don't even care to mention right now that involves someone who was a neighborhood watchman and it did not really end very well for, for a certain person. So maybe we don't have the same, we don't have the same laws in California that he used to manipulate his situation. We don't have the stand your ground laws.

We can just, it's mostly just about gang stalking the gang stalkers. Right. Or just people out there walking their dogs. Yeah. But nonetheless, well, I'm happy, I hope that, well, I'm happy you found out information about the cameras. It's a little scary. I mean, I, I personally don't really care, but it's the same time like a parking lot.

Maybe that is where you want the cameras. That's what I'm saying. I don't know. That is what I'm saying is I believe that we should be having these cameras. You should be able to go back. And if you're going to be like me, who's doing a due diligence, trying to find these culprits that I, you know, and then they look at me like I'm fucking crazy asking for the camera footage.

And I was like, well, you got the cameras. Right. So let me see the footage. Right. Right. And I'm not here just trying to figure out which women leave their cars alone at night. I know that's where you could maybe spin it. Well, honestly, that, I didn't even think about that, but maybe they're right not to give you

any of the footage from the cameras. Um, all right. Let me sit with me and we'll go over it with the microfiche. Well, uh, yes. Indeed. You'll find them. You'll, you'll still figure it out. Maybe just put up flyers and stuff like who did it and then someone will feel bad.

Um, we'll just be crying next to my Prius. I think that makes sense. There's a lot of people crying next to or in their Prius. That's sort of what that's on brand for the car. I'm unfortunately just looked up some dwarf on golf and watching this shit and man, he's a fucking genius. I love Tim Conway, all right, well this story, uh, I guess speaking of Wales, but of a different kind, this story takes place in a place called Wales.

Isn't that kind of fun? That is a really good transition. Thank you so much. I am a professional man technically are you're good at it. I hear you doing the thing. I sometimes hear you do a thing on the Patreon interviews where you bring back up who we're talking to or talking to about and then I was listening to the radio the other day and I heard them do that and I was like, well, Kissel can absorb.

Yeah. No, that's all I do is absorb. I just don't absorb all of your lucky. I don't absorb 60% of what you say. Otherwise, I would have a much different opinion of you. I choose what things that make me like people. I find the good friends having friendships. It's about cultivating the things you enjoy about a person and just the stuff you don't

like about. Yeah, just blinders. Anyway, speaking of Wales, okay, I already did that. I already did this. I already did that. So this is the headline. A man with no arms who swam for Wales stabbed his dad with a blade held between his toes. Now why did he do this?

Why did he stab his own father? So a dude with no arms, his name is Rory. I honestly, I didn't know there's a very great comedian named Rory, but Rory is just one of my least favorite names to say. Rory. Because it sounds like, yeah, you just sound like Rory. I just feel like I sound like Andre the Giant, just like Rory. You do sound like it, but when it comes to Rory, I believe, unfortunately, it's like

you have a lot you have to like fight for, like you have to get past Rory to mean something in this world. So this dude's name is Rory O'Connor. And after he stabbed him, the dude, the guy's father needed a needed some surgery and he stabbed him with a makeshift weapon. This is according to a statement read to Cardiff crowned a court victim, Kevin O'Connor, who said his main concern was his son's well-being and that the attack would not stop him from supporting his son.

Isn't that nice? Matthew Roberts, he's this guy prosecuting, said O'Connor was born with no arms as well as a number of other medical conditions. He played in an able-bodied football teams and swam competitively. Let me see why. So on November 3rd last year, the defendant and his dad had a row about the blade. That's had a row, which I think means argument. It's a fight.

It's a fight. So they had a fight about the blade. Mr. Roberts said the father picked up a meter long tube from a vacuum cleaner and prodded his son in the chest. O'Connor then struck out with his foot, slashing his dad in the abdomen. Damn! He did like a one leg fucking slash with the knife? That's incredible.

Really, really is incredible. So they've admitted to the fight. In a statement, Kevin O'Connor said his greatest concern again is for his kid. He described the events on November 3rd as regrettable, but said they had given him a greater insight into the difficulties his son was experiencing. The dad said he did not want the assault to be the defining negative moment of his son's life adding he has so much more to offer. I like this dad.

I mean, you get almost gutted to death by your kid and he's like, you know, I kind of get it. I didn't have to poke the guy with the vacuum cleaner hose. So all is good. I just feel like if you had to come over your whole life, if you have to get over, if they will overcome being born with no arms in order just to play and you play football, right? Like professionally, you're out there, you're fucking kicking this ball around. It's soccer.

Soccer. Yep. Yep. And so they, I could see why you got one of those fucking like, can't crush me attitude. Sure. Right? You can't fucking fuck with, you can't fuck with him. You can just poke him and go, not expecting, you're not going to fucking set off the beast.

Yep. You're like a no arms beast. That's fucking crazy. You can't kick him back and forth. I mean, absolutely. And you know, every, I think a lot of men will sort of agree with this and a lot of women as well, specifically sometimes boys and dads, they have, they have like a little power issue. And then you have to like, you know, there's always one big argument.

And I think women have it as well with the moms or whatever, there's a whole bunch with parents. Did you have to actually fight your own father? Well, we did get into one altercation when I was 18 and I said, enough of this. I am doing what I want to. And then, um, yeah, it was, it was not, not extremely physical or anything. Nothing outside the realm of normality, but you choke your father. I did not.

No, he has arthritis. I can't just choke my dad. Did you physically dominate your father? No, I did not. That, no, I did not. You didn't fight each other. No, we did not fight each other. No, I didn't.

This is a boring story. I was really hoping that you would actually have physically fought your father. Well, no, we didn't set up a ring. I didn't put on boxing gloves. It was just an alter. Slap them. I don't want to get in grabbing arms. Why not?

You started it. I am. You just grab arms. No, I didn't. You grab arms and then struggle and struggle and then kiss. You're leading the witness. I'm just asking. I'm not a lawyer.

This is in court. Oh my God. Nonetheless, I, I'm just excited for details that I know our audience would love to know if you and your father, like we're grappling each other in the street. I don't think anyone wants to even think about that. I don't. Of course they do. They're your family.

I'm imagining a bigger you, like a bigger, more bent you. At that point, my dad had shrunk down a little bit. So I was towering over him. No, I'm not towering. He's still six, five. But I never fought my father. We just literally just didn't consider each other for quite a while. He didn't understand me because I was an artist.

Uh-huh. All right. Even though he told me to use my brain instead of my hands for work, but still he didn't trust it for a very long time. And he assumed that I was just some effet elitist and I am, but I am not in the way my father was. I am in a way that my father couldn't enjoy. And you know what actually happened is my father actually finally, uh, got some form

of, I don't know if the term is respect for me, but I came back from college one year and I don't really, it was when I was really deep. My Afrocentric phase had a really long beard and I was like really like, you know, I look kind of crazy. And my dad is like, eh, should we be getting wild in college? And I was just like, yeah, I do, you know, I do what I got to do is like, yeah, I knew you were like me. Hey.

It's kind of sad in a way, you know, but it's good. That's good. Yeah. I mean, your father was just looking for one masculine quality in you and he found it in the way that you like to consume alcohol and perhaps mugweed. So that's great. But yes, so everyone has that moment with their folks where they say enough. And then after this, I bet you they're going to, I bet you they're closer than ever.

I bet that's what I'm saying. They're closer than just like you and your dad. Closer than ever. Yeah. But I didn't fight him. You know what I mean? And stab him with anything. I mean, the closest I've ever got is I mean, my mom can beat the shit out of me and she's

fucking four foot 11. Um, yeah, we have this next story, speaking of beating the shit out of things. This is an old story. Okay. It's sent to us by a bunch of people in one go. And I think it's, I'd be, I think it came up mainly because of Skinwalker Ranch, but I remember thinking about this or add because, but I think this was before a side story, so we didn't cover it.

Man desperately trying to sell his alien infested ranch. Now this is true. This happened in October of 2017. This is a man named John Edmonds. Um, he says that his property, which is called Stardust Ranch located in Buckeye, Arizona, about an hour and a half away from Phoenix, uh, which is, they say here, the notorious site of the Phoenix lights. You know what I mean?

It's called the Phoenix lights. Okay. You can't just say it's not a surprise that the Phoenix lights happened in Phoenix. Are you putting your snooty tootie cap on? Snooty tootie glasses. According to owner John Edmonds, the property had been a hot bit of extraterrestrial activity since he and his wife first moved in 20 years ago. Wow.

Creepier still, the previous owners, they didn't seem to move out. They just kind of disappeared and all their stuff was in the house, which sounds like John Edmonds is admitting to murder. Um, so John Edmonds, he's like, he is a popular figure in this, in alien believers communities on Facebook and he publicized his purported encounters with extraterrestrials on Facebook, on Facebook, saying that this is the reason why I want to sell my ranch, which is kind of what it comes down to. Kind of, we see a little bit more with the skinwalker ranch, kind of, you could see the

connections with the Gorbins, but he went a little bit farther. He said they actually levitate, they actually levitated my wife out of the bed in the master chamber and carried her into the parking lot and tried to draw her up into the craft. He said, that's why I want to move. Oh, I mean, in the past 20 years, he's experienced many strange events, including many aliens and claims to have killed more than a dozen extraterrestrials with a sword. Cool. And of course, in the, uh, there, there's pictures of the sword.

You can see it, uh, surrounded by blood, perhaps the blood of grace. I gotta say, man, 20 years, they, they lasted a long time being hunted, hunted and stalked by aliens, but you got to market this. Why not flip this and reverse it, don't sell it, keep it, turn it into a whole extraterrestrial like kind of a camping situation, maybe an amusement park and start making some money. Have the aliens work for you unbeknownst to them. As soon as aliens are confronted with the real powers of capitalism and once they realize that they are now being monetized, they are going to be so shell shocked to know that

all we want is that we need them and then we don't have to pay them until we start to make rights. But you know, I mean, we'll get, we'll cross that bridge, but that's what kind of Robert Bigelow in a way was sort of kind of working on with Skinwalker Ranch was a way to figure out how to make money off this. And this is why I don't necessarily believe this guy because Tom Gorman, the, still the, if you want to look up his name, he is the original owner of Skinwalker Ranch or the

second owner of Skinwalker Ranch and his name is printed elsewhere. So you could look up his real name if you want to. But we are respecting the witness, but John Edmund says that he has collected samples from the aliens on his farm. He says, he said this weird liquid that he says that it's pure hemoglobin, which is in the, I don't know what he's talking about. I only heard that word on the Simpsons. Hemoglobin.

Hemoglobin. And then he said he's got a scar from an alien attack and he shows us weird picture of his like old man calf, which is this for, and then he said he found this, this stone with an asshole in it. He said it was, it's reminiscent of the portals he keeps seeing on the part of, on the, on the ranch. It was very similar to Skinwalker Ranch. And now he's selling this ranch for $5 million and I believe it has been sold.

I believe that it has. It was also on Ghost Adventures, of course, there on the travel channel. This is what he has to say. He's like, it's not something for a traditional family regarding selling of the house. It's not something for a traditional family, but it holds a lot of secrets. And what I believe are future opportunities to understand forces that are in the universe. Please be very well grounded because the energy here has the tendency to manifest itself with whatever is going on with you.

So stay well grounded and again, whoever bought it, flip it, reverse it, sell it, and not sell it, but sell day passes to go hang out at Stardust Ranch. But this is truly where I have my differences, right? Where the Skinwalker Ranch, it did seem to be he used the, the media to try to help sell his ranch. Yes. But I view with that is that with Tom Gorman, I view it as he came from a place of desperation. He was upside down inside of this fucking ranch.

He was completely house poor. He was trying to figure out a way to move it. He didn't know what to do. He was experiencing all these things, but he was very reticent to be on camera. To me, that, that spills a lot that to me of the idea of like, he wasn't trying to be upfront. He wasn't posting on fucking Facebook alien groups. He legitimately was just trying to get off this farm and eventually Robert Bigelow showed

up and took the property off his hands. But to be fair, he didn't have any social media then. He didn't. But it's still the same. You could still go to the newspaper because he had those articles of the Deseret Times like he had. Like he had a little bit of notoriety, but the, the, just the little touch of it was so unpleasant that he decided to not want to be involved with it from then on.

Not bother with it. All right. Stardust Ranch, five million bucks of pretty cool stuff, man. Pretty cool stuff indeed. But you're right. That's pretty cool. You're not marketing it too much. And perhaps that leads to some speculation that he ain't telling the whole truth, nothing

but the truth. Well, I'll tell you what, it's been fucking two years. Yeah. So I feel like now, if he hasn't figured it out, I don't know what to say. We haven't heard very much from him since. No. So we have another story here really quick regarding this took place outside of an NFL stadium.

Man dies after Port-a-Potty goes up in flames outside of NFL. How is this fucking possible? Well, you know, what kind of Mr. Bean scenario does this come from? Now an investigation is underway on how this dude died in a Port-a-Potty fire outside M&T Bank Stadium. This is in Baltimore. Firefighters responded to this fire, the fire, fire found in three portable toilets, one of which had been occupied engulfed in flames.

A security guard told fire crews that a burning man could be seen running away from the toilets. The victims whose name has been released was pronounced dead at the scene. The cause of the fire is under investigation. So this quite frankly, the reason I don't know if this was a, this must have been, you know, when you're a kid, like lighten a fire, like lighten a Port-a-Potty on fire. If you had never done it, but I, kids have done it. Sure. Yeah.

Kids do a lot of horrible shit. I mean, you know, there's a lot of people you could tell how many kids have killed other kids. Well, quite a few. Kids have killed adults. Some, not that many, but some. I mean, but you got to knock on the door. You got to say anyone in there, because next thing you know, now you're just committing

an act of murder as opposed to the more, you know, innocent act of just lighten a Port-a-Potty ablaze. I mean. If you're, if you're a 13 year old and you see a Port-a-Potty and it's not on fire and then you think about like, what if it was on fire? What if I set it on fire? Yeah. Exactly.

Oh, this is a fun idea. Oh, I, I would like to hope that kids could get other hobbies besides setting things on fire because what do we know about people who set things on fire is that that's one of the big indicators that you will in fact turn into a serial killer. I mean, fire starter that she just turned into a, you know, never been kissed Drew Barrymore and fire starter. It's a fiction film based off a book. It's all fiction.

She turned out great. She's fine. Yeah. Drew Barrymore is fine. You know, and she's sober, but she still owns a fucking weed farm, which I think is interesting. Making money on top of money. Nothing wrong with that. That's all we do.

But you know, that's the thing. When we were kids, my favorite prank of all time, and I don't even know if I can say it because technically it is felonious, but we took mailboxes from a full street, a full street of mailboxes and we moved every mailbox one house down and then we took the last house and we swung it all the way back to the first house and that's funny because then you wake up and you're like, that's not our mailbox, but it's just confusing enough to make you think that you're in a simulation. I could just see them watching you all do it because this is like what Marcus was describing

with the ranchers moving the poles, that you guys gave yourself ranch work just to fuck with people and you are, I could just see looking out the window and seeing you going shh, shh, shh, stop it, though they won't gonna see us, they won't see us, they won't see us. We don't sound like that. And you know what, just watching you do, you guys all like, oh, like tripping over, knocking over trash cans, being like, it's gonna be fun, it's fucking nice, it's gonna be so fucking fun.

And they're all staring at you watching, being like, get the gun, Martha, being like, no, let the big one go, he's got a lot to live for, you can see. Yeah, right. No, it was, I mean, it's just funny to think about like, that's not quite my mailbox, my neighbor. Anyway, that was my favorite of yours. What if they are legitimately waiting for like this health insurance premium to come through?

No, it's still just right there. It's just a colossal, anyway, I just thought it was pretty harmless, and I thought it was very creative. But a lot of kids, you know, you're born out there, you're in the middle of Baltimore, you don't know what to do. And I mean, I just feel bad for this guy who was in the porta potty, all of a sudden it starts on fire. It must have gone up really fast, though.

You're just already in a porta potty. And he died in there? He's dead, Henry. Fuck, it's sad, because you ran out of the porta potty, and he's like, I'm on fire. I just went in there to do whatever I had to do. This was outside of a football game? Outside of a football stadium, I don't think there was a game going on. But maybe that was the guy who started all the fires.

I have no idea what happened. It just seems very strange to me, you walk into a porta potty, and then you come out on fire, and then you end up dying. And like, what is life? You say strange, I say absolutely horrible, talking about just literally the pointlessness of it all. I know. That's how it feels.

It's just the deep, deep pointlessness of it all. Well, I go, we try new, you're already hovering over this fucking thing, because I don't put my full asshole on the toilet lids. No, not in a porta potty. Yeah, in a porta potty now. So you're hovering already, it starts, it's fire goes up, and you're like, oh, you tip forward, you slosh all the shit all over your feet, and then you're on fire. That is, you know, it's one of those things where technically, if that is the way you

go, Elvis Presley died on the toilet. That might just be a rumor, I don't know. But it is not a rumor. He did die in the toilet. He really did do that. He did. He did. That would be not that horrible, because it's kind of fun.

You get to do that. I mean, the last thing you do is sort of flush your system. So it's a proper place to be, actually, for paramedics, they'd probably prefer if people died on toilets, makes their cleanup a lot easier. But if you're in a porta potty, man, you really move, you miss out on the comforts of what that activity can bring. Also, just not also just being in your home. Like, you don't even die in your home.

When you die in the toilet, when it's a lot of that, it's kind of indicates that you've died peacefully, and not just, it sounds like he's an unfortunate set of circumstances that he's out there late at night at a porta potty, not in his home. Right. And getting set on fire. Honestly, could be. Could be. All right.

So be careful out there. And if you smell fire, just get out. Get out. No, if this is not the lesson I would take from this, it's don't set people on fucking fire. No, I know. That's the lesson. Yeah, but no one who does that is like, oh, that's right.

Those two boys on that podcast were telling me not to do this. If they were going to do it, they're going to do it. Just maybe. All it takes is our fucking voices. Maybe. Maybe that's what it takes. Maybe. And they're finally just like, wow, you're, they are right.

Those two sage warriors, right? Of the voice. All right. Well, then this is, it's time for hero of the week, which we do sometimes. It's a hero of the week, but it's a hero of the week. That's great. Brought to you by Atari. Evidently.

I don't know how to write songs. How do people think in songs? Um, you know what I mean? There's no way to answer that. What do you mean? How do you win? If you went to a real musician, like a composer and you said, Hey, man, can you write me a song about what it's like to have a hot dog for the first time in two years?

Yeah, I'm certain they'd like write a song that's like, then it, but they would figure out how to actually put that emotion into music and I don't think like that. So I don't understand it. I mean, like Wayne Brady could do it. I mean, Wayne Brady is very talented. He's a sleeper. He's a talented, very low key, very, very talented. All right.

You know, they don't put on a, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's the hero of the week. Not ashamed. Ask man. Ask man says his name shouldn't be rejected for a personalized license plate. It's fucking Kramer again. It really is. So this takes place in Sasquatchewan, Sasquatchewan, Sasquatchewan. Sasquatchewan.

Sasquatchewan. This dude, his name is David Asman, A-S-S-M-A-N. He's of Melville, Sasquatchewan. He says he's been rejected to work. He says his request to allow him to have a vanity license plate that says ask man, A-S-S-S-M-A-N. He says he's been denied, denied, denied again because they say it's an unacceptable slogan, but he says it's my last name, I've always had it. He says it comes from his German roots, and it's pronounced A-S-M-A-N, and he said I'm

not ashamed of it, and there's nothing bad about it. In 1995, the name sparked its own A-S-M-A-N-A craze when late night talk show host David Letterman found and interviewed a Sasquatchewan gas station worker and manager by the name of Dick Asman, or A-S-M-A-N. He knows what he's doing, he knows what he's doing, he knows what he's pushing these buttons. That's why he's the hero of the week though. Hero of the week. That A-S-M-N is a distant relative of Dave, who said the family has other A-S-M-N relatives

sprinkled throughout his grandfather's legacy. For A-S-M-N, the name is important because it's the one he shares with his great-grandfather, who he learned of was a well-off farmer from Newdorf. So that's great, farmers would come in the early thirties and they borrowed money from him, he said. Instead of him foreclosing on their land, he just either forgave it or let them pay when they could. A-S-M-N.

What a nice man, that's why, you know, if you want to trust a guy, you got to trust an A-S-M-N. Absolutely, so now his appeal has been, his rejection, the A-S-M-N rejection has been upheld, this is according to the officials. They say that it's offensive, suggestive, and not in good taste. This is what he says, even if a word is someone's name and pronounced, this is according to the man. Oh, the man, this is according to the fucking fuzz, that they're going to tell you what,

what it's good and what is wrong to be somebody's name. In Sasquatchewan, that's the way it works, Saskatchewan. That's his name. Even if a word is someone's name, this is the official statement, even if the word is someone's name and pronounced differently than the offensive version, that's not something that would be apparent to other motorists who will see the plate. The personalized license plate review committee made up of, made up of employees will review if people appeal a decision, but McMurkey, some random dude, said the committee has upheld

the decision to reject Osmond. And I'm just going to say, sir- That is unfortunate, it's Osmond. It's Osmond, not Asmond. It's Osmond. And that's his name. So Dave Osmond, you're the hero of the week, and I hope you can teach these people that your name means something wonderful, because his great grandfather, he didn't foreclose

on homes, Henry. No, he didn't. But who, yeah, because he was a fuck, but think about what he had to go through, live in his life with the name, Assman. Exactly. Yeah, I mean, he lived his life, he has taken so long to like come to terms with the fact that his name is fucking Assman. Yeah.

And I know his grandfather was an Iceman, but you know, he also had a fucking deal with it. And that's what it comes down to. I think with a name like Assman, you got to either number one, kill people like all the time, so people are afraid of you. Like you have to be like, name's John Assman, and if they giggle, you got to like grab your like assistant next to you and fucking put a knife to his eyeball being like, I'll fucking blind my employee if you make fun of my name.

Sure, well, it'd be bad for the employee. Or you have to be a pushover. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, there's definitely- Like his grandfather was. I mean, a little boy named Sue about it. You know, it's not easy to go through that name.

A lot of people have, you know, kind of interesting last names that might have, might be a double entendre. Yeah, sure. And this man deserves the right to have his last name on the vanity plate. He's got, you know, the people, it's like, why is the government telling him his last name is offensive? It's his last name. It's my last name.

That's my fucking last name. That's what I say. My fucking, my fucking last name was Zabrowska Cunt. And I wanted my name to be, and I was on a fucking television show and they were like, oh, Henry, I think we might want to maybe look at your name being like, my name is Henry Zabrowska Cunt. I am from the long line of the Staten Island Zabrowska Cunts where we worked in the shovel industry and now I'm here as a fucking fantastic actor.

Right. Absolutely. And they'd have to, they'd bow down eventually. Of course, that name couldn't fit on a vanity plate, but that's all right. I would just short, but to just, to just that, yeah, of course you would. Now that might not work because that's not actually the last name. No, you're not, you're not, no, that's a, that's a shortened version of your name. Yeah.

Then how many people are calling me the Cunt walking around? Well, probably for different reasons, maybe based on your personality in general. Well, if you're, if you're in the UK, it's kind of a fun little driby thing. It's actually nice. Oh no. No, I know that. Yeah. And we have to remember that folks, just because, you know, different colloquial, it is important

to remember every word I actually do want to, I want to read this one letter before we get out of here. Um, it's, and it's from Joe and I just want to say it just haunted me this letter. So I want to read about it during a recent episode, Henry made a statement about how cool it would be to be locked up in a mental hospital for a while. Lol. I can absolutely a hundred percent tell you that it is very not cool. When I was 16, I was tricked into a 72 hour observation period that turned into months

inside of a mental ward. It was 1996 and I hope things have changed inside mental wards, but most likely not. It was easily the most surreal experience of my life. If ghosts are real, then these are the people you really don't want haunting you. The constant screams at night continue to affect me. People were constantly trying to commit suicide. Some would sit and rock themselves for comfort. It was not an easy place to be with that said, I love your show and if you ever want to know

more about what it's like inside, I'd be more than happy to tell you. Absolutely. No, thank you. So it's important to learn. No, of course. And I don't think you really want it to go to a mental institution. No, I want to go to a fucking rehab clinic in Maui. Oh yes.

By the way, that's passages, passages in Malibu. Yeah. Somebody emailed us. They know someone who works at one and evidently they're very nice, just extremely, extremely expensive. Not to be because it's very expensive because that's where all the fancy people go and that's how you go to forget that you're there because you are terrifying quote unquote to your family. Right, of course.

Nice vacation. All right. But it's good if you need it. I mean, and you can afford it and take it. God bless. God bless. That's what I say every day. Hands to God.

Hands to God. All right, everyone. Well, thank you so much for listening to this week's side stories. Keep on supporting all the shows. You probably heard some ads for some last podcast network shows. Yeah. If you want to listen into this, check those out. We got a lot of fun stuff for you to listen to.

It should be the only thing you'll listen to. I don't know. Or listen to. Again, you fuckers, I am in Atlanta this weekend, March 1st and 2nd. Come see me. Do be fucking Wayne Brady for you. Yeah. You're doing a live show, right?

Yeah. I'm doing improv. Awesome. And then I'm doing a show on Sunday at the satellite theater in Los Angeles with Josh Fatim, and it's going to be fun, and Nick Kroll is on it. Whoa. I have nothing prepared, and it should be interesting, and I should be nice and hung over for it.

Perfect. Well, that'll be the best. So I think it's going to be great. I think people are really going to like it. Absolutely. Keep on supporting all the shows. Top Hat's been real hot lately. Travis and I are blabbering.

It's hot stuff. Hot content. Always got stuff to talk about when it comes to the political world of madness. And of course, all the other shows. You love them. Okay. You see the fucking shows. You'll see the shows.

Live every day, because if you skip one day of living, you die. Isn't that weird? Yeah. Absolutely. It's the one thing you got to do all the time. Love. Love every day. All right.

If you've got nobody, if you're one of those fucking street urchins who does nobody there to find you when you die in your apartment, love your mailman. Sure. I mean. And laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh like you're listening to jokes inside of headphones that are inside your brain that nobody else can hear. Absolutely. And if somebody asks you, hey, what are you laughing at?

You say, none of your fucking business. Well, it'd be nice if they could spread the word if it does happen to be a program from the network or something. That jokes for me. That's what you say. Okay. Well, you can feel free to share. You know, just don't worry about that.

All right, everyone. Oh, yeah. That travel channel show. I don't know when it's on, but you can check that out. It's really fun. Apparently. You are a valuable member of their street team. No, it's really good.

Apparently, um, one of the clips, someone shot me an email and, uh, email, and apparently it was the lights from the Oneida casino and then they're like, what is it? And I'm like, I think that's a UFO. Of course I should have known it was the lights of a casino because oftentimes I'm drawn to them like a bug to a bug light, but that's a whole other thing. All right, everyone. Thank you so much for listening. And you know what?

Never forget in these hard times, hail yourselves. Hail Satan. Magustalations hail me. And this week, I mean, next week, we're going to have a double side, so it's coming up. So you're going to get some more fucking Marcus coming your way. Yes. Next week. And of course this week, we're going to be finishing off skin a walk out ranch.

I think this is going to be a pretty crazy episode, right? Well, this is going to be a lot more. It's going to be a little bit more complicated. We're going to be doing, obviously we're going to be talking about some fun scientists involved ghost stories, but also we're going to be following a little bit of the money behind Robert Bigelow and I'll tell you what, it's fucking complicated. Follow the money anytime there's a Bigelow around. All right, everyone.

Thank you for listening. Love you. Bye. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.