Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: The Cannibal Killer of Ventas

Episode Date: May 13, 2021

Ben 'n' Henry break down this week's true crime news: a waiter eats his mother bit by bit, mushrooms on mars, a large humanoid owl spotted over O'Hare Airport, and MUCH MORE.Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left side stories. So we get a lot of fun mail so much fun mail at LPN. It's so nice. We just found Jerry's in studio today Not Jerry Seinfeld. He said no. He wouldn't do it. He said that he said that we wouldn't let him go there Oh, yeah, we're just to we police him too hard But no, we're talking about Jerry Kissles he's a beagle Chihuahua He we found him playing with something. We're like, well, what are you playing with? Yeah, I'm gonna toy And then we found I have no fucking clue where this came from if you sent this to us

Please tell me it says the only way to describe it is a stegosaurus looking. Oh, yeah dog Taxidermy thing that Jerry was chewing on. Yes, which you probably shouldn't have it's got I would I believe to be kissles face Inside my face, but it's this hail me on it. So I think it's a reference to you There's no beard because you're the only one who's been the least beard list for the longest, right? And it's not Marcus because market. That's a big nose. I can honestly your nose sure, but it's got kind of like puppy ears It's kind of like this little sort of outfit on and I have no fucking clue what this is or Who sent it to us? I'm gonna take a picture of it and put it up on on the socials Take a look at it. Take a picture put it on socials. Thank you so much

For sending that to us and we let we want to let you know. Yes, Jerry was chewing on it But what do we say because we're good dog? I'm a dog dad Henry's also a dog dad, but to Jerry's a dog dog uncle We said no Jerry. Yep, and we took it away from him. We took it away, of course because it's filled What seems to be with tiny little bones and there are little feet on it and it might be made out of tar I don't know what the hell this made of it. It's certainly creative, but also you notice it's got a noose on it Yeah, what is the noose? No, I think it's an ornament. It's an ornament. This is a Christmas tree ornament I guess so you guys are just so I'm not gonna say creepy. I'm gonna say each one of you is Especially brilliant. Absolutely. I'm gonna say great and creepy. You're all creepy. I like it when it's creepy

It's just nice. Also It is fun when we do get a package that it looks all nights on the outside Yeah, you open up and it's just filled with horrors. It is fun. I'm just glad that we still our fans still got it I love it. We can't wait to see you in Grundy County. We're gonna see all your creepers out there I'm gonna make it something your creepers your creepers welcome to side stories everyone. Hope everyone is doing well out there Henry and I are getting jazzed up because I haven't been on an airplane for so long and I hope I can fit I You'll fit you're not bigger now Necessarily than you were like so much when I broke the seat in Australia on the plane

And then they gave me a free bottle of wine as a condolence for my embarrassment. Yeah, it's an Australian Oscar Yeah, that is me. That's what they wanted from you. They wanted you to do that You showed exactly your true colors and you were the character they needed at the time I have so much PTSD for being large it reminds me of when I went to go see Elton John and I think it's like We've talked about Sit in the ADA seats, which was fantastic because the ADA seats are the best and you're surrounded by the best people So see sometimes I walk in and just by looking at my body. They assume I'm some form of president or some

Dignitary yes, you know how many times I get asked to fly a plane one out of three times I Get asked to just sit up in the cockpit did like they just want to meet me They asked me like will you just give us a look over make sure our dials are all sure done And I always look at one and go I couldn't do this better myself Wow, and that's one of the higher compliments a Polish man can give you can't wait to see you in Grundy But you mentioned walking around and that reminds me of this story that you just shared with me Oh, I want to talk about this. You want to talk about this first because I have no idea what's going on

No one seems to but is there a possible zombie out there? We came this came after we did our episode our relax fit last week on love has one in a Carlson And we now know that Amy Carlson the former cult leader of love has one turned herself into a mummy It's completely silver mummy. She's like which is I guess is a new Marvel property It very well might be perhaps they killed her for copyright infringement They might have seen so many pictures of her Amy Carlson that I had not previously seen of her silver and Wow, she really at some point don't you step back and say look at that I think she lost some of that though

She lost some of that ability to step back and say hey Let's think about what we're doing here because she turned herself into the gray Hulk violet You're turning violet violet, but someone needed to be like yo Amy turn a little silver today at least violets a pretty color This story is about a another silver person. I have no clue what this is about no idea I don't even know if there's a story and also people I feel like this is also one of those weird things We might even be wandering in some form of tick-tock minefield, but a video came out I want to say it was about four days ago It's the zombie woman of Seattle. Okay, this video came out someone made a little capture you can hear Jerry

He's already he's super into he's very intrigued But it's a video that someone posted on their tick a tick a talk a tick a talk What is from I believe is SL in K-35 is the original name of the person originally posted it or slink slink 35 That might be a mirror that was the hardest way ever like to say the word slink I don't even know that out. I'm so poison because of the twitch stream the twitch stream I can't read anybody's names because you want to say like thank you for the sub And I don't have any clue what anybody's names are when they type them out because I'm trying to read and pass So now I just spell them out. I'm with you. There's a there's a football player. His last name is a

N a l z o n e Alon zone and now zone a now zany anal zone is what it sounds like But it's like it's Italian and you could imagine if I said I don't yeah That's how it's supposed to say and sure he got called anal zone a lot And now he's a football player so he believes you live in hell out of you I bet you think it still means toilet in Italian it might but this This video that came out it features what appears to be a Woman in clean clothes. I will say missing one shoe

Her face is gone. She has it appears to be just a skull random Trunks of hair hanging from the side of her face and then a She appears to be holding some form of a bloody bundle in her hands It might be a bag of something it might be what some people are saying it might be the head of either a doll or a baby This looks like a bag from this angle It looks like Richard Chase and Prada joined forces and came up with a handbag It is absolutely terrifying. I haven't seen somebody with a face like this since way back in the day Remember what happened in Florida? Oh, yes, where the dude had his face eaten off of like we need yeah

That was it apparently he was sober. I forget the name of the man that had his face eaten off I feel like it was like brumpo or something talk about his 15 minutes or over Oh, isn't that sad, but she has something similar going on here Well, we don't know she is just walking and the way that people are responding That's why we're trying to figure out is it a work is it isn't a movie, but the way people are responding It's definitely an improv every anywhere zombie edition. It does seem to be at most But who knows there's another video from far away that shows her walking police are trying to Kind of I guess detain her they're trying to talk her down

There's another video that shows her getting arrested screaming. Don't take my baby Don't take my baby One of those like gurney things of those that emergency gurney things. Yeah, so So this is the jury's out. Okay, but is it makeup? We don't know because she is terrifying This is the closest I could get to the actual front of her face Which is all silver and it looks like a chunk of the of whatever her face is gone on the on one side of it Is it makeup? Is this a person that is uh a victim of something which is why now the videos have been taken down from tiktok

Okay, there are a lot of people that are worried about whether or not this is uh essentially boosting the signal of somebody who's in the middle of a mental illness freak out like in the middle of like a free fall and like what happened with the dude from koni 2012 When he got all naked and ran around the streets, which I think also happened in seattle It did uh, but there's no way to figure out Because the arrest records have been I guess expunged or something like that because the it seems to be they have responded to Cops did respond to an emergency call of this woman screaming on the street Okay, and then when they came to pick her up it seems to be this is some kind of mental health pickup You yes, well absolutely

Even if even if this is an actor and all of this is fake It's still technically a mental health pickup because you would have to be borderline insane Which also creates great art doesn't it sometimes she says don't take my baby But judging by the bag that I would assume Holds said baby the baby has been taken to heaven because there would be no way that anything would survive in that bloody bank Yeah, that baby became a builder baby. Yeah Yeah, so we have no idea. Anyway, I just was just the most recent thing going on in seattle It's just such a the video is so shocking that it uh

Made me stop like I walked through it like as soon as I saw this I was like, all right Well, now I'm down the rabbit hole and I looked up as much as I could and there's very little conclusive evidence Is like what do you actually happen here? Do you remember clowns? Clowns the killer clowns was right before the election in 2016 What if 2021 is the year of the zombie where people cosplay a zombie? I could you know as long as they don't physically actually bite me or attack one of my dogs I wouldn't walk by a zombie though and be like hey brother zombie Can I say honestly zombies are heck? If they're if they're passe if we want to do another if we really want to surprise people on the street

Can I throw it out there flat woods monster? Something new But environment that's why the zombie is so powerful. I don't know actually I'm gonna have to push back a little bit on that I think zombies are The most reasonable right now sure. I feel like we are in an era where we have one Biological exposure to some random ass thing. I might just be taking the premise out of that new show called the bite Yes I feel like

Like if we're gonna have anything any one of these like cryptids or weird ass, you know entities Form in real life. I think a zombie's the closest we're gonna get well You know what we have going to be honest is the flying humanoid The last year the flying humanoid mothman is have seen there has been more mothman sightings than there has been sightings of Joe biden standing up There is I'm getting that is why jerry didn't come today because you went there. That was his joke I'm too much There is

Yeah, I Criticized the president. We were gonna try to get to the white house and you just said did you see the picture of him sitting with jimmy Carter He went bigger jimmy carter's turning into a minion. He is Um, he uh, I think the next stop is gonna be mothman mothman are huge There was just recently outside of chicago. Oh here. There was just a massive another massive sighting of a giant owl outside of uh, Chicago over here. Let me look this up. Who? I hate you. I just you got me and I'm mad I'm mad because you got me for a second

You got that lame-ass buying joke in so I had to get a pun into even out the world I don't know I don't know buddy. I'm not a part of the capital steps Who disbanded also didn't make it through covet 19 are you kidding me capital steps quit Yeah, actually another reference gone Who how will the kids understand us? All I know is if a stand-up comedian who may have a drug problem has to get a divorce And the steps and the capital steps broke up. Where is the american family at do we even like each other anymore?

I hope we do don't cancel a friendship. Oh my god. Um shuttle bus driver reports sighting of a large humanoid owl with 15 to 20 foot wingspan over oh hair international airport This comes again from the singular fortian these guys they are on top of the flying humanoid news and I absolutely love it What's it called the single Freudian the singular fortian? Okay, we've covered it honestly all of our flying humanoid news has come from them this year. They're right on it It's from Tobias and emily wayland Um, this is a report from a man claiming to have seen a large humanoid owl while working as a shuttle bus driver at oh hair Okay

I was a shuttle bus driver at oh hair. I was working on april 21st 2021 near the new parking terminal near zemki road At about 6 p.m. I was staged and had wandered away from my bus to take a smoke break When I saw a large owl fly over the top of the building and disappeared behind the parking garage It must have been at least 30 to 40 feet off the ground when I saw it fly over and made no sound And it looked like a giant black thing with very large wings I saw it for all of two or two three seconds as it flew overhead over the building and out the site I didn't see it again And I saw nothing else when I drove around till the other side start taking my room again

I know the stories of the mothman that is seen around no head and that is why I saw your reports I decided to write you about what I saw I said, I don't know if there is anyone more trustworthy than a shuttle bus driver Did the amount of secrets that they hear the amount of secrets that they that they learned across the way More airport terrorism is stopped by shuttle bus drivers than the csa. I would go as far as I want to think every single person Who works in an airport that smiles at the disgruntled employee have to and then the disgruntled employee puts the bomb away because if there is going to be I completely agree with you

I think about this way too much You have to be nice to everybody in the process of the airport because you never know who's going to snap exactly and also I can't scream when going through security, you know, most likely it'll be an inside job You can't scream that but I do think that every time I go through when they scan my body I wish they could tell me if I have cancer or not. They're probably giving me cancer instead. That's a joke I'm not really being like that But I do don't I don't think that it matters for us because it's the calls that come from within that most of the time I think it comes from suicidal pilots or the biggest danger in the sky

Well, I think it's been it's just nice that we're starting to fly and we've both been treated and I've been thinking about that non-stop as well So ready for it. So anyway, all right, the witness seemed very hesitant in regards to speaking about his sighting Which is interesting He stated that he was advised by his superiors that it was a misidentification of a very large bird And then he should not speak to anyone else about these sightings And then when the guy was directly asked if he had seen a large bird the man told Navarrette from the UFO clearing house Yeah, he stated he was certain that it was not a large bird as the wingspan was easily 50 to 20 feet in width and the object scene was easily the size of a human being

He described it as humanoid in shape solid black and moving faster than he had seen any bird fly Jesus and you can just imagine how much money they're they're saving by not having to go into one of those planes I wish we could all fly but it's right back in man. This is still my one of my Obviously, it's my constant favorite thing that pops has popped up in the last year or so because everything else has been so sad where the the flying humanoids are here and it's it's so crazy with the amount of camera technology we have readily available and the fact that the we these are people that do technically see Things flying all the time. Yeah, like shuttle bus driver Do I expect him to maybe know every single thing about planes? No

But i'm certain that he sees a lot of planes in the sky and to see something that noticeably sticks out Especially something that's noticeably very very low above the airport Which also is I don't know how that it didn't set off a bunch of alarms or shit Or I don't know whether or not a scary thing to think about you're like 15 to 20 foot flying Of thing even if it's just a drone that is weirdly scary stop trying to eat the weird thing jerry jerry Uh, even sully sullenberg. Perhaps it was a flying humanoid. They blamed it on the ducks But maybe it was sully sullenberg had plenty of time to land That's what they say although sully you did good. So no matter what he's an american hero. He did it for the story

Nothing like standing outside. Yeah, I always like the way that kwomo handled Uh, COVID they want any luck. This will make a great book. Where's my emmy? No, I always wanted every time I have more than about three beers at the airport. I want to call every pilot sully Like I want to be like go get him this time sully, you know, of course sully the big the big blue monster for monster sink But that's my father coming through me. Isn't that oh, yeah Do you want to say that sentence coming through me very interested? Hey, this is not in me It is you technically your father's semen. I am come you are we are all come We're all our fathers come and our mother's egg. I was thinking about this

I was talking about this with Natalie. I was like, I'm just come walking around Yeah, and she was like, I sure wish we could talk about like the things that we need to fix in the house You know, they say it's good luck when a pigeon takes a dump on your shoulder because we just have to deal with it If a flying humanoid takes a dump on your shoulder I feel like that would be like the steak that they get in the the ribs they get in the intro of the flintstones Where they just get tips over the car beagle pile of shit It would be like 10 pounds of shit and then it might kill you if you die by

Flying humanoid shit Everyone's just gonna laugh buy a lottery ticket But you're dead. That's when I don't know why my mom always says that if you get shit on buy a lottery I think your mom's a compulsive gambler. Yeah, I think you just like flutter attack scratchers. She loves scratchers Life from your grave Let's get to this one story. We haven't so we've talked humanoids. We've talked zombies. Let's talk cannibals This is an interesting refreshing something refreshing. So this is interesting. So this dude. He's a waiter He was convicted of chopping up his mother

into 1000 pieces Uh, and then he ate her quote bit by bit over a two week period. This is my question Alberto Sanchez Gomez 28 was branded the cannibal killer of ventos This was last week. This is my question It says here they call him a jobless waiter because it's been convicted of murdering and eating eating his mother Why don't you just call him an actor at that point? I just feel like Is anyone permanently a waiter if you are a fucking more power to you?

Absolutely But you know those old school italian joints where everyone dresses nice they make a good living But you need to I would say you need to have been in wait service for about 10 years before you'd say like First things first. I'm a waiter when I don't have a job. I'm still a waiter. I wake up a waiter I drink myself to sleep a waiter. You better tread lightly, mister All of our friends are now just officially Well, there are people that but you like like John Moreno who works for a very high-end

A restaurant he is a professional waiter like he is really good at his job great at it He works he's like in the upper management. You can work your way up. It's not about the job It's more about like to me. You have to be Into the job of being a service person at a restaurant to say I'm a waiter always It is something that is a respectable profession if you can master it We also have a friend here in LA who is the head major D at a place that we're not even allowed to go to Because it's only for celebrities. So you're right. It can be a very lucrative job

But in this man's case, I don't think he was making too much money because he was he was working at uh He wasn't working there. However, he was sort of being a waiter. Do you think he served himself? When he was chopping up his mother as he sat there and was like, thank you, sir He would stand up and be like, I think you're gonna try the liver today. Especially is her breasts. Oh My god, it helps us all. Anyway, so this dude he tried to get out of the murder and uh and uh cannibalism by saying He had a small psychotic episode, but it was a long one. It's a big one. It's just two weeks and Henry you're gonna eat human meat cutting it into a thousand little pieces. My question is Then why not just have chicken?

It's like when I went over to a wealthy person's house that I know if it just becomes my like daily meal Then I'm just keto. You're not a cannibal anymore. It's not really like yeah It's not like you're eating somebody's like face off again Yeah, it's not me drenched in blood with my ultimatum bone just being like I'm possessing the soul of my mother No, you've just made it a diet terry plant. It really is. It's just like that. It's it's jenny craig Um, it is zombie apocalypse like world. I was at a at a wealthy friend's house Um, I don't know if uh, yeah, I think we're still friends But they had deep fried shark and I was like at this point

Just have deep everything tastes the same if it's deep fried just deep fried chicken deep fried shark I was like it was there was so much. I was like this is too much deep fried shark I need a piece of deep fried shark, but I wouldn't eat a meal of it. It sounds like a bad idea It just tasted like chicken because it was deep fried everything deep fried tastes the same So if he breaks it into a thousand little pieces if he cuts her his mom into a thousand little pieces You can't even tell it's a person anymore. What's the point? This guy is a bad waiter Maybe that's why he was fired in the first place. Well, he's not a cook. That's for certain And he's certainly not gonna be on top chef because this week they're doing no mother salad. Oh

You know, he did strangle his 68 your mother after a fight Then he dismembered her body before eating her remains over the next fortnight Which is Shakespearean for two weeks and I wonder what that fight could have been about Why don't you get a job you loser get out of here? I'm a waiter mom. Yeah, you haven't worked in a year I'll tell you the dearly special The juror six women and three men also dismissed Sancho Sanchez Gomez's claims. He was experiencing a psychotic episode when he murdered and cut up his mother. They um Apparently he's got he's only a 15 year and five month prison sentence. Well, this is the interesting thing. So obviously

In america you're going away for life on that one here in uh in spain somewhere. I'm not exactly sure where Uh, but yeah, he got me there. He was in madrid in madrid the pros. This is the prosecutors. Keep in mind They demanded a 15 year and five month prison sentence in america The defense would be crying to get 25 to life. I can't believe you're gonna save you from death row, bro This is the best you're gonna get and in madrid the prosecutors the most extreme thing they could get was 15 years It's really really intense. They I mean her She was all over his apartment

Sancho Gomez told police who arrested the him at their flat in madrid in february That he had been eating his mom bit by bit with his pet dog Do you think this found parts of solida's remains in Tupperware containers in their fridge and bones and drawers around the family home? You know, I have to say number one. We can let's circle back I don't think the pet dog asked to eat his mother dogs simply will eat But the problem is is that is that dog now a cannibal that about a cannibal to human eater? Yeah, so I don't know. I hope they didn't put the dog down But also if you're a family that rescues that dog, you're gonna want to know to keep grandma away

Because I think it has a a taste for older women blood now I think that poor pet dog who was just hey I wonder what the pet dog was thinking be like is this the greatest two weeks of the pet dog's life Or is the pet dog like I've had a lot of human meat, bro. I'm good. I'm good on human meat Also humans are not naturally the uh diet of any predator animal We don't taste good apparently a lot of predator animals So I actually wonder if he was eating it and actually thought we were fucking gross. I'm You know what? I'm just gonna say I'm gonna speak for the pet dog and say yes

I mean, I bet he said yuck And then apparently his mom's head hands and heart were just found on the bed So they got to go to sleep. Wow. I was actually about to compliment this guy Of course as the story unfolds the compliments go away Because initially when you mentioned how he kept everything in Tupperware I'm thinking dirty Dahmer Messy Jeffrey. He kept everything scattered around, but um, no, it turns out no He did keep the the heart hands and head on his on his bed. So what he's for two weeks then

Yeah, and I actually wonder what that place probably smelled like. She probably smelled like a fucking morgue with the air conditioning broken because you know in more Madrid, they don't have a lot of air conditioning Um, no, apparently he tried to blame his tv Um, he said wait, what? Yes. He said that he said the tv was sending him hidden messages that said kill your mom Kill your mom kill your mom. No, the name of the show is how I met your mother not how I killed your mother bad translation It's one of those like because they're very poetic over there Oh He's very sorry. He said he said he's very sorry. Yes when he addressed the court. He says he's very repentant

He said he suffers anxiety from the moment he wakes up And then he said I think of my mom and I'm absolutely heartbroken. So I guess the food coma has wore off. Oh my god. The the regret has set in I You know, I think that he is on to something when he says he had a psychotic break I don't know what yeah, no matter what he did It was some form of psychotic break But him saying I don't remember doing this for two weeks doesn't seem to really He'll the water and not that it matters at all, but the guy is just a normal handsome looking dude

Like you just pass him on the street. You He just looks like a normal good guy. He kind of looks like uh the soccer player Yeah, he's like handsome. He's handsome. Yeah, why do we always do this? Why do we focus when the criminals handsome because we believe that handsome men are not Responsible for actually most crimes I think it's because people want to see the boogeyman coming and in reality the boogeyman is just that That nice looking gal like like butthole Jody areas, I guess or like this guy that makes it scarier. There are big hulking monsters

Obviously, we got big hulking mouth breathing monsters this week where we're covering on last podcast We're covering like a genuine fucking creepy guy like across the street when you see yeah, like that kind of so that I think that is That happens Probably the majority of the time but him being so handsome It's it's always the crime when it's really really intense then they'll be like oh, what a shame He was so handsome being like why because now he'll just get extra attention in jail And I don't know what I don't know what the madrid play prison system is I bet you it's nicer I bet you they get fucking top us. I bet you they get a break. They get to like

In my mind the madrid prison is like they all get to leave for an hour or three and like go get it Yeah during lunch. Yeah. Yeah, you know what you're probably around. You're probably not that far off Life from your grave Well speaking of dogs, this is just a feel-good little story here um In boston, there was a news crew and they were doing a story on on a missing pet because there's no other stories in boston Their police chief was uh pedophile. Oh, yeah But there was a lot of stories in boston

They probably could be covering but this boston news group did a story on this missing dog and as they were reporting They found the 13th month old german short haired pointer and they found the person who stole him And they were able to relate to the police that this dude stole this dog so news I know it gets a lot of heat because a lot of times it's dog shit and is that they're solely to divide us But in this case they sent out and they said our story is on the missing dog and they solved it It's nice. My question is when do we stop counting months?

Of a creature or a child or something. When does it go from well dog? Can you just say it's a year old because 13 months is that's a year. It's just a year old Yeah, but in dog years. It's third. It's a year and seven Well, I think for dog because they only they oh, I don't want to say it, but they don't live that long So every every month your dog is I'm not gonna say it. I don't want to say it When he was just every no when he's good, but every month for a dog is like seven months for us So I think you have to acknowledge but why do people say stuff like when I meet a child and they're like Oh, Ezra's 79 months. I think they're just desperate to try to get their kid on the disney channel

We're gonna have some babies in the family here soon because everyone's pro-creating and it'll be interesting to see how many of these kids Get into uh show business, baby They better fucking get into show business these kids need to get into show business and make money for us So we can all coast and I'm including me even though we're not having kids I want to somehow make money use the damn shoulder. That's what they don't understand That's what their parents don't know within lp. Where our goal is to executive produce their little lives try to get 10% last podcast disney That'll be very the fucking gene kateers

That'd be kind of cute Like little serial killer club for little kids Some of our some of the parents will be upset. Yeah, some of them I but anyway just lastly with this with this news crew story They found him because they said they were walking by a car the dog started barking And then it was supposed and then they were like that's the dog and they were like it was a kidnapping And um, so there you go man people really steal dogs, huh? I know they happen with Lady Gaga, but that's because those dogs were so fancy looking I assume

That's why those dogs were doing they obviously look like they were worth several thousands of dollars That dog walker took a bullet for those dogs and he's a total hero No, yeah, and she don't worry. She gave him a full year supply of craft mac and cheese Oh My god, it was huge But the guy who stole this dog in this case He said it was he said it was a mistake, but you usually don't just take a dog My mistake because no one time you have a dog and then don't have a dog

Yeah, you're stealing a dog You might have been made a mistake to steal the dog and it might be out of a moment of pure desperation But also don't steal a dog. Why steal jewels? Yes steal something replaceable Why steal a dog? It's just such I guess you can resell it depending on if it's a pure breed Um, you can turn it into a hat You can train it to help you in your life of crime. I didn't like that second one I just turned it into a hat. I don't know. These are all the options for a dog. That's not yours. All right. All right

Um, well, do you want to do something with aliens? This is just real quick. Um, fucking y'all ready to get fucking high on Mars, bro. Sure. Oh, yeah, bro We are so actually everyone is coming over the idea of Mars. First of all Who's going there because I don't necessarily want to just go hang out. I actually have no problem with Elon People they can afford I would like to hang out with Grimes. I heard she's very interesting But that would be the party of it would be a nightmare You won't like the people who can afford to get to Mars. No, I'm gonna we won't like them I actually have a thing where I say get get out of here

And then go to Mars. I don't give a fuck. Well, they're already talking about there will be a group of people that will go to die on Mars You believe that will happen. Well, it's guaranteed right the first flight They say is a guaranteed no return. You just can't come back It's too long to come back and once you get over there the amount of energy it takes because mainly it's just once we get you there It's really we are nowhere near figuring out how to set it up so that we could take the flight back Which is technically what Elon Musk's company is trying to do But it would be nice if he just focused on work. They just had it They just had it done

They just had a landing recently and I don't think this is really for this show But have you seen what's going on with the Chinese? space station No, there's a massive kerfluffle where the us and the chinese they used to share a space station and then the us wanted This is not the iss. I don't think so. I don't know enough about it But I'll have to read further in the article the us has been booted from the space station enough that chinese have it And then there's some kerfluffle in the skies where we're looking for space supremacy right now We're trying to get it

We're going to eventually and you know who will get it burger king They'll get they're going to put an ad on mars and I will technically we'll have to bow to them as the people who won If there's going to be one advertiser on the moon I'm going to have to give it to pizza hut because they thought of the idea first It was a last night, but they will get it one day. They want it. Absolutely We don't know whether or not this is real or not. The jury is still out They are still trying to figure out if this is a real discovery, but we are not certain But if it is it's going to be mind-blowing technically

This is the first evidence of extraterrestrial life. Oh, wow. Okay. They found mushrooms on mars They think they found mushrooms on mars. Oh, shit There's a possibility that the curiosity rovers said they think that nasa's opportunity and curiosity rovers might have straight up run over Mushrooms on mars. They found them in their shreds. We're just immediately killing all the mushrooms Like so we just did like butterfly effect I yep Did we just stop did we just stop mars from like growing like a billion year?

Like did we just slow down? Maybe it's quite possible. Are we supposed to be running over all their stuff? We don't know and we don't know what it is because uh after long being obliterated by the rover wheels They reportedly observed spherical fungus like specimens alongside along with some stalks growing back on top of the rovers old tracks They also noticed that black fungi like bacteria specimens even appeared on top of the rovers The researchers say that the possibility of fungus on the red planet may explain why thousands of black arctic Orany forms or spider-like formations grow up to 300 meters every spring on the planet and then disappear by winter They say the patches may represent colonies of black fungi lichens algae mold Methodogens and sulfur reducing species which also could help us when we want to terraform it. That is absolutely

Fascinated we don't mention how that is a potential evidence of an alien life force, but aren't we there are alien life force stranger on a strange land They also say it might come from us dropping shit off From our rovers that the little spores could have fallen off and landed there and that's also us Technically destroying that environment. Yeah, I was thinking that would be possible too. Well interesting. All right Also quickly before we get into here of the week Um, this is a story. What I like is the that it's opposite. Normally, you know, what have we seen throughout the 2020 2021? We're teaching at home teaching at home and men sometimes are super horny. It seems to be sure on zoom pulling a tube in

As I think it was just Jeffery. I think he was the most horny person of 2020 Um, somehow beat me You know, because yeah, of course you didn't jerk off on zoom. I save it for by private all you need to do It's not jerk off on zoom. I told you how to do but this teacher what it's nice to see a woman doing it Well, you know, city teacher caught sucking topless man's nipple during zoom class Wait, what? Oh, yeah, spanish teacher is being yanked from her classes after investigators found she was performed an inappropriate sexual act during a zoom lesson as students at the prestigious Columbia Secondary School for math science and engineering remotely watched a quote unquote live class Amanda K. Fletcher

quote appeared to suck the nipple of an identified topless male while she rocked her head back and forth following the act Fletcher's face turned in full view to the screen and she gyrated her shoulders and smiled and then went on with the lesson And apparently this is like her husband who's walking by without a shirt and she's just being romantic Also, just straight up. We need to normalize breastfeeding Sure, because this is not nearly as bad as what tuban did. Yeah, no, no, but I mean like she's looking for that milk She's from her from her boy. It was a male's nipple. Oh, yeah And he said before that she invited her shirtless boyfriend to sit on camera with her and eat spaghetti I mean, which is the worst offense that is worse than nipple sucking

Yeah, if you're watching somebody eat while you're in school that would be frustrating All the kids took video of it investigators viewed several videos of the incident which were shared by students on snapchat and other social media platforms It's a fun day to be a student in that class Man, these kids are learning nothing this year. No, absolutely nothing Um, and my final story before hero of the week. It's sad story. A man killed a dog in Puerto Rico after the dog took his golf ball He's hard to be a golfer. Uh, I guess it is. I'm god. That is it. I will not golf That is a thing I will not do in my future. Yes. Salil Zavari is facing animal cruelty charges and firearm charges He's shot a mixed breed dog. They're the cheapest part of golfing is the golf ball

Yep, apparently he was shooting in a hole number 11 And for some reason there was a dog around the hole and we was hitting the the golf ball the dog ate it And then he shot the dog What an asshole. What a great story What a fucking he's on a $60,000 bond. All right. Okay. Well, there you go. So I just don't shoot dogs Who cares about your golf ball? Okay. Well speaking of animals. This is going to be hero of the week You gotta love when the horror community comes together me I do man. The horror community is probably the best fan groupings that exist

This is texas chainpaw massacre They are an adoption agency that takes care of animals that need love And because these animals look like they belong in horror movies. So there's a picture of a cat that's scary as hell They talk about how they take care of these animals that may have not been loved before the sisters behind the chainpaw Behind chainpaw explain we find adoptable animals in shelters rescues or foster homes That are doppelgangers of often unappreciated animals in horror movies And then they take them that's fun. You can see here. There's a little he's a little dog. Oh, that's cute They kind of set them up a little bit. They take some fun pictures on their instagram and they get the dogs

Adopted so if you want to support it's just texas chainpaw Massacre and to support them they have looks like they have gerbils and dogs and cats And what a great way to get someone to adopt an animal That's great and take care of something and be a part of the horror community as well and be a part of the horror community because Of course The sale the commercial we were talking about this screaming on saturday at your party Yeah, and we were talking about how love no kill shelters But we also have to get rid of the commercial sale

We do because there's too many dogs and then they're living they're living like and also now everybody's top the horrible Uh scenario of people they're I guess mass returning. Oh, it's so nasty. They adopted over the covid because it's so dumb It's so horrible. Yeah, and because there's an overflow. So there's like six dogs to a cage People will get like for free on mother's day and then so the buy them on friday and monday They're returned because in reality dogs shit and piss everywhere. They do and they are they are not Actual children, but they do act like it. Yeah, and you need they need to take care and love A little take some dating advice from ben kissle. Yeah, but uh, never give your animal it never give your animal Never give your girlfriend or boyfriend an animal

Most boyfriends and girlfriends are just extensions of the animal, but um, but yeah, because all right We got some listener emails. We got some good updates from people We got some good follow-ups to some questions. We've had on the stream one thing that we Questions we've had on the show One question we asked about keeping corpses last week. Yes. Love has won. They are what what is the legality of holding on to a dead corpse And what does it mean to what is considered abuse of a corpse? I'm in the funeral industry and I want to say it's a bit of a gray zone based on what we know

Law-wise here in the states it's abuse if something is being done to the body that wasn't legally authorized Or if it is an outreach of the family's sensibility or reasonability Or if it causes outrage to the reasonable community or their sensibilities Isn't it weird though that we live in a world where it's normal to just pump them full of chemicals and bury them As opposed to just natural burial and you're just being in your home right in the home That maybe you own and it's very interesting. I'm very afraid of death in this country. We are very very afraid of death We don't want to acknowledge it. We don't want to Acknowledge it seriously because of course death is everywhere in our media. We were working on something. I think it's top secret

But they said the number one rule is no nudity But of course the number two rule is a lot of shooting and a lot of blood You can fucking cut off as many breasts as possible as long as you don't show a nipple don't show the nipple not in this country But there's also been a rise in families having your loved ones posed differently than them just being in the casket So in the south it's popular to have them sitting in a favorite chair Standing or even more recently sitting with their favorite instruments and on top of all that There's a chance that the cult if they are if they were smart enough Could say that she's been posed that way based on their religious beliefs like monks and the saints that have been mummified and put on

Display so the answer to this question is is that most could say yes that was abuse or some could just see it It was as her some could you see it as her followers doing what they felt was reasonable? So who knows okay? Um, this is that's not the biggest issue with the love is one cult so This is about uh, how fast do babies go through the vagina? You remember we asked this question I actually don't but I Not happy that we did we talked about okay. How long does it take? We asked about the the idea of because we were talking about the woman having the gun in her vagina for 17 days And we're like that's a lot. How much can it hold how fast this should come out now?

I remember how we got there. Yeah, we weren't we weren't talking. We didn't do our monthly segment on reproduction I was listening to your side stories episode and you were talking about the gun in the vagina in prison I used to work in a jail in canada winnipeg I had an inmate smuggle meth pills of any variety and coke in the largest generic Tylenol bottle I've ever seen like a small mayo jar in her vagina Okay, when you strip searcher woman, they don't spread them And if you don't stare or touch or look up her vagina, they simply get fully undressed spin around in a circle

So you can see the full perimeter then they squat down and cough three times If they're larger, they lift up the titties and excess skin flabbies And if nothing is noticeable or falls out, they are then sent on their way This girl said she did kegels for weeks to be able to adapt to having that large of an item in her for long periods of time She kept it inside of her for weeks and could pull it out Take some drugs and either do them or sell them and then replace the bottle The only reason we found out about this was because on my shift we were walking to the cafeteria and suddenly we hear like Pebbles dropping on the path when we looked it was all these drugs falling out of her shorts

She said she accidentally put the bottle in upside down Before leaving because officers had almost caught her with the bottle out and walking unscrewed with the lid inside of her And they all fell out the investigation was hilarious They she told us that after practicing holding large objects inside of for a while Her vagina just kind of formed around it and it wasn't any different than having a tampon inside On the initial entry into jail. She had the bottle wrapped in tissue said it didn't slip out due to moisture While squatting Well, isn't that exciting?

Uh, she was definitely the coolest chicken jail. I mean, that's that's the one you want to be friends with right there And dare I say in this case, uh, it's easier to be a woman Um, because at least at least that's at least the vagina can can handle that stuff. They're the the Yeah, the rectal cavity. I tell you what my dick hole isn't getting bigger I watch a lot of uh, the former prisoner shows and it's incredible You see some very masculine men just be like and then I shoved it up my ass Oh, yeah, and they just like I don't even know how you got did all the pre-work I think it takes a lot of pre-pro you have to you you have to do some poops

You got to clean it out and then you never know when the CEOs are gonna wake you to transfer you So you just have to put it in and just be like all right Let it ride. This is a story of the American condition It really is um, my job is to manage the referrals coming in from outpatient providers in different hospitals I have to read referrals from different hospitals and complete intakes with parents and patients to vet out the inappropriate cases And the almost two years of working here. I've heard read plenty of fucked up shit kids sepacooing themselves Bestiality a girl shoving keto a girl shoving cheetos in her vagina and of course the most adorable five-year-olds

Slaughtering cats. Oh, I deserve a gold star for every day of work But for some reason this last case had me rattled This happened on the monday following mother's day I'm wrapping up my shift by filling in the er referrals I was not able to work up in putting them into the computer The last case I had was for a 43 year old woman chief complaint psychosis and audiovisual hallucinations the usual The clinical narrative roughly states 43 year old woman brought in by police after she was found trying to throw her dead mother out of the window

Okay, shamefully my response was to gasp and immediately break into laughter. This is the person I understand The referral goes on to say that the patient's brother had been visiting her in the home for the past few days She said all my son's been visiting my brother's been visiting my brother's been visiting Turns out her brother died two years prior Patient reports that her brother was trying to help her kick her mother out of the house The only problem is is that her mother who had been dead for three days Had come back and tried to stop her from making her move out And not much was reported on how her mother has died and so I guess to evict her she tried to throw her out of the window

Oh But apparently I know she does know that the the uh writer does know that this patient was referred to us previously But was denied after she had assaulted her mother and police so we don't know if that led to her death or not They got to separate these two. I think um, but it's well. They are separated now because one is a dead body Oh, yeah, the mother is dead. Yeah three days She tried to shoot her out the window like so Like she was like in a breakup like in the 90s movie So the mom died when she threw her out the window or the mom was dead and she was trying to throw her corpse out the window

Yes, she was trying to throw her mother's corpse out of the window trying because she was Honestly, I think the big culprit here was that she was listening to billy joles I'm moving out. Oh, and immediately was so filled with passion How many murders have been inspired by billy joe? We'll never know We'll never know at least two would never mind the ones he did and I love him. I like billy. I would love to see billy live He's great. He's a great performer. I watched him in msg. He mentioned woodhaven jackie and I cried We were very fucking hammered

I'm very very drunk emotionally. Well, honestly, we honestly must have been a sight because we were screaming songs People in queens don't get enough love. We love we don't we love the people of queens. We don't BC boys. That's all the no dogs is all about queens. Yeah, okay. All right, everyone I think you got a triple l l it out. Oh, yeah You got to live your life every day knowing that you need to expand your vagina enough to sneak things Anywhere you need to go because when it comes down to it isn't about Is it expanding or tightening? It's well tightening the front expanding the back. Oh god So you got to laugh just thinking about all the wonderful things you'll be able to hide in your vagina once you join me

Henry Ziprowski on my human vase program You are going to love The subscription service where Henry took you had a tighten the lips open the hips Well, get it in there. Whatever you need a bowling pin. Uh AK-47 whatever you need a collectible AK-47. Oh not one of ones that you use Very nice. Isn't that nice? I covered us. You really nailed it. All right, everyone Thank you so much for listening. We can't wait to see you in Grundy County We will be with you very soon. I'm so excited dude. We're traveling in two days in two days. I'm nervous

I am I've the funny. Yeah, I'm nervous about everything but also very excited. I haven't had I almost feel like I'm on a date with someone I might like Isn't that nice? It is. That is not kind of nice. It's a nice sentiment. Almost feel like I'm on a date with someone I might like. It's a long walk. Isn't that romantic? No, I mean, you know, you said it out loud It's you put it out in the air. You never know. It's gonna come back. Otherwise. I'll just keep on hanging out with Jerry Oh, Jerry's good. He you know, he doesn't say anything about you masturbating. He doesn't see me masturbate I refuse to allow it. I don't allow Wendy to see me masturbate either. It's too. It's just I don't know I don't know how people have sex with the dogs in the room, but I also like I don't know. I don't know anyway

Well, we're here. Can I say uh, also all listen to all the shows at lpn But give my old our old buddy dancing Jermaine and Mike Lawrence. They have a show called wrestling roasts That's also very funny. Check it out. Give them a check out because these boys Some of the best your graders you're not plugging the wrestling show on the network and kind of fun I said listen to all the lpn shows first Then listen to that. Wow. I didn't know we were just gonna start from this is am I at the Arby's? Are they talking about do you see do you see big max at Arby's? They maybe should because that's stop the fast food wars

You wait until the amalgamation fast food restaurant comes because they're all in the same company. Anyway, yeah, of course No, it's already a long john servals. They have the the the was that the uh, there's a dominoes and a starbucks near us Which I'll never understand. Oh now we're just talking dominoes and starbucks together. That's just fucking diarrhea, bro It's so nasty, but seriously. Yes sainter man and Mike Lawrence. Check out what they do. We love them All right, everyone. Well, thank you so much for listening. Hope you're safe and happy out there. Hey there Hey, let's head to my good relations. Hey only all right. Don't throw your dead mother out the window for fuck's sake You have one goddamn thing not to do. It's better than keeping her in the house Call the repo company. How does it work?

I actually don't know who you would call. I don't know. Uh-huh. You call 911 This show is made possible by listeners like you Thanks to our ad sponsors You can support our shows by supporting them for more shows like the one you just listened to go to last podcast network dot com