Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: The Curtain People

Episode Date: October 31, 2019

Ben 'n' Henry read your Creepypasta stories: a military werewolf, a witch's curse, a child sees mysterious figures in his room, AND MORE. TRIPLE L.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last stop. On the left. Side stories! That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories, yes. Man, did Jeffery Epstein was murdered, huh? No! What an easy way to start a show. Well, indeed. It sounds like a great, greyhound bus ride. Good way to start a conversation. Yes, indeed. Jeffery Epstein actually courted my mother when she was a little girl. No kidding. It's great. It's a great way to start the show. Guys, it's spooky day, isn't it? It is spooky day, but you know what this also is? Side stories. This is side stories. I am Ben, and I have Henry. We got Henry in studio.

Henry, Jack O'Lantern, Soprowski. We're sitting meat to meat and having a great time. Knocked out a bunch of my teeth. Nice. To make my pumpkin costume more convincing. I love it. Yes, indeed, everyone. I hope you've had a great spooky season so far. I saw a lot of costumes already last weekend, and you know what I'm going to say? For men that are thin, you know what the costume is? What? Joker. You have to be very slender. I saw one fat Joker, and that made me happy. I love a fat Joker. That made me happy. For me, in the end, Joker would be fat Joker. He's happy. He's a comedian. Yeah.

If I'm seen a Joker, you know what I want to see right next to him? Fuck a Batman. That's true. Long story. Long story. But guys, all right, so let me try to be as explicit as possible. It's not that I don't believe in the paranormal or do believe in the paranormal. I like to have an open mind about it, especially on the show. You have goblins in your apartment. But to be honest, because I've been such a repellent to ghosts and ghosts don't come to me, I've experienced some spooky-dukey stuff, but nothing really significant.

I've never really dealt with anything truly spooky. I've been in weird areas. I've been in scary neighborhoods. I've been in old abandoned schools. I mean, to be fair, the scary neighborhoods that you're walking through, all of those people think you're a cop, and they are repelled by you. I make them tense. Yes, you make them tense. Yes, because, again, I have an authoritative walk, right? And again, you know, being a short person, full rage, can't wait to speak. We have a short person we're going to speak with this week.

We can't actually reveal it yet. I can't even talk about this yet. It's really exciting. Well, speaking of short people, you know who I saw, Henry Elton John. Is he short? Yeah, you didn't see it? Honestly, he seems to be as wide as he is tall. He's cute. He is cute. He's a perfect sphere. So I was dealing with all of these paranormal thoughts, and you know, because on the show, up to a point, it's not that I play it up,

but I want to explain my mind. I want to accept the paranormal into my life, but I've never experienced it. But when I lost my stupid keys and all that bullshit happened, I got genuinely spooked. Yes. And so I am now like, I'm in my house and I don't really know what to do. So I've listened to several people's advice about how do you handle a noisy spirit, right? And I didn't understand any of this because it's like, I was always afraid to give in. So what does your house just smell like? Mary Ann Williams in the living room now?

Is it just full of burnt sage? Because magic ritual is different. Magic ritual is a way that like, because I still believe it's from the inside out. I still believe that when I did the rituals I did to get Heroes Reborn, I fucking like, something about it comes from the inside, right? But this was like an exterior force. So I listened to a couple people and I just straight up, they were like, nicely ask the entity or whatever the fuck it is to give you your belt back.

Uh-huh. Right? Where is your fucking belt? So like you were being teased in middle school again and you just have to be like, give me my belt back, give me my belt back. As somebody whips it over their head like Nelly, whipping it like a helicopter. You know it's a good way to equalize ground with bullies in 2019? Mm-hmm.

You know what I mean? I know what you're saying, make gun noises. No, that's sad. That's sad. If I just did my hands going, you're gonna pee for when you don't give me my pencil or anything. The sad thing is, I think if you do mime, you know, what do you call that? You just are looking like you're just jerking off on fucking dust.

I think if you do mime cocking a shotgun and fake aiming at someone, you'll still be expelled from school because you're thinking about it and you're not allowed to have thoughts. Guess what though? Fucking no more school, dude. Yeah, I'm expelled. I'm a bad boy. I'm working at the ice cream store all day long.

Yeah, absolutely. I don't need a job. I don't need parents. I don't need a future. I got ice cream and my fucking imaginary shotgun. But guess what? It will turn into a real shotgun. Oh, absolutely.

And it'll turn into a full career. That's very dangerous. But that's how you equalize in 2019. So, but what do I do? I said, hey, ever in this house? First of all, hello. You want some nug? Right.

I went, I got an incense burner built, burnt a little nug on it, right? As an offering, right? Sat in the space. I said, you can do whatever you want to me. You can move shit around. Please do. I'm going to put out a camera because I want proof, right? I want to do this.

But please give me my bell back, number one. And number two, do not scare Wendy. Okay. Like, please leave Wendy alone. And so I went to bed. Wait, that's a good sleeping. Yeah, got that. Yeah.

I woke up in the morning and what happens to my fucking bullshit? I go through. I was like, Wendy is the belt. That's my puppy belt. Underneath my workout clothes. I do have a drawer of workout clothes now. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. But it's no reason for it to be there. Uh-huh. My belt was at the very bottom of the drawer. That's ghosts. All right. There it is. That was like ghosts.

I literally pulled it out of the drawer. And Natalie, I was like, this shit wasn't here. When was the last time that you opened up your workout clothes drawer? Because I do know you work. I'm not saying that you don't. This body. This body is brought to you by five days a week in the gym. Not this body.

You're not really selling, you know, Planet Fitness to anyone. No. But I do wonder, when did you open up the drawer last? Is it possible again? And I'm not saying that, oh, you got stoned. I'm not saying, oh, you had your house whiskey. And then you took your belt off and threw it in a random drawer. Maybe it was in right before a moment of coitus.

And your brain was not thinking correctly. That's true. And then you just threw it in a drawer and you said, I'm being a good adult here. It's in the drawer. Because sometimes I do play Lawn Mower Man with Natalie where I go, whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph wham pham hyamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph whamph

Well, that's disgusting. Concert well, you just got hammered and then you were outside of an amphitheater And you said you saw a line of people just outside of an amphitheater and you and you had some work No, I didn't ask anyone they'll held Elton John shirts Elton John number one is amazing So you yeah, of course, he's fucking amazing. Well, not not of course I'm sure there's still some skeptics out there, but my my horror OD or deal was I got tickets light The day of like an hour before the concert could you just follow the line of people into a stadium? You'd be amazed what you can find if you just follow a line of people

So I'm sitting there The trains to dock out. Well it or the Elton John concert. Yep, so I'm sitting in there section 16 Rogi seat 5 and you know what happened everyone as soon as I walked down. He's singing Benny in the Jets That's his number one. Sorry. He does not have a lot of articulation. I mean, he was doing good when I saw And he cannot hit the high notes Well, who needs those notes and so I sit down in seat 5 Henry and my butt barely fit and the man next to me Started yelling because I almost knocked over his beer And then I stood out would you feel if someone bigger than you came

Oh, you know what you do number one is no, you make the noise number one You get the 24 ounce or tall boy of Bud Light You don't get the draft beer at a concert if they're offering 24 ounces of pure nothing But solid lick well nothing but liquid gold Bud Light. I eat you get you get the 24 ounce I prefer a draft beer doesn't matter. It's smaller. It's not as much beer So I nearly knocked that over and then the first time I stood up to applaud after Benny and the jet They damn near torched me to death. It was like it was it was horrible. They change your fucking seat You're drunken steam. I was not drunken steam

I was entirely sober and they chased me from my seat and then I had to go stand in the aisle and then from there They kicked me out of the aisle and I had to go to guest services and I said I demand a seat That's proper that I can fit in ma'am. Oh my god, and then she said well, we have some ADA seats We have one ADA seat. I said what's an ADA seat and she said it's for the Americans with disability seats And I said you know what according to the ADA I am disabled because I'm six seven three hundred and thirty five pounds and that my friend allowed me to sit in the ADA seats and I watched Yelton John do a great performance and I cried and cried you Homer Simpson yourself To three hundred and thirty five pounds. I don't know what I don't think you should be allowed to receive disability benefits

Just because you stopped doing the treadmill like you promised yourself You would all I know in machine and just added more BL you pretend I don't still have that rowing machine. I'm not saying you don't still own the rowing thank you But there's a difference between having something and using it's like owning a gun again Right and using and using a gun exactly. That's correct rowing machine safety. I keep it on lock Keep it locked up. Yeah, be careful, but anyway stretch that I do have to stretch and I have been stretching quite a bit But that was my story and you have to check out if you get a chance to the farewell tour Phil and John Yeah, stretching with your performance style. Yes indeed. Thank you for the free commercial for Elton John

He needs a buddy because those shirts by the way, you know We talk a lot about shirts are $45 $50 and then also, you know what he has and this is something that you haven't had to deal with Henry Wigs a tall tax Double extra large shirts five extra dollars for a double extra large. That's normal though No, but they don't charge if it's a baby baby shirt They charge not this but if it's a small they charge the same as if it's a large It's because they're charging you more because they don't want you advertising for Elton John. Yeah, they don't want me as a fan It's cute for the baby to have the face of Elton John on it. It's cute for a slender

Twinkish man to saunter into his local saloon With an Elton John shirt on so he can remind everyone what Elton John used to be like or the kind of man He used to enjoy a squirrely. I've heard the term otter before sure sure that he that is the type of man that Elton John Enjoyed he likes a firm bottom, but he's like the big top. There you go. Well, anyway, nonetheless I mean, it's Halloween. It's Halloween. That's the most important thing. This is so I'm so scared I'm so scared. I don't know but Halloween is upon us and we're going to tell you guys again I want to say thank you to the fans that submitted some beautiful Listener pasta. Absolutely. We're gonna get to we're gonna get through some of these stories right now

Some of them true some of them less than true perhaps, but also again Let me just before I get us in the mood. I understand that the music box music I just want to say yes. Thank you for the information. I understand that the music box music is not just some Haunted music box that came out of a crypt. I know that it's real music. I know apparently But I'm now movie several people have said several things. So I've heard the love song by Henry Mancini That's what I've heard. I've heard that I've heard it's the theme from dr. Shivago. I've heard it's from some techno song. I believe it's called the of the Illuminati technique the illumination technique Do you know what it is Travis?

It's like the D. It's like the Illuminati the illumination technique. It's techno. I've also, you know people You guys will say anything. Well, I do think it's from that 1970s film love song. You've never seen it. No, and And this is a boomer trick. We got tricked by a boomer. This is a trap There's another trap like what they did to our environment when they did our economy. They tricked us with this music box Don't yes, but what they did in Iraq what they did and with that three that long weekend You called a war back in the day, huh? Yeah One all right, okay, but that's that yes that is scary, but yes Thank you for the information. So yes, indeed

But this I'm gonna say each one of these has been thoroughly verified by our team of experts here by the other Between we are technically a team of we're the elder Millennials. I I read every single story. I'm gonna read tonight to puffin How scared was he puffin was pretty scared pretty scared I think it's just cuz you're also doing it in the nude from the toilet. Yes He always looks at me when with with immense amounts of confusion when that happens. So guys again Let's set the tone I'm scared of you right now, but oh geez be more scared you bitch. Whoa, that's for men and women All right, you be even though they're trying to make bitch illegal in some places

But I ain't gonna let them do it because it's a fun word to say well sure reference to a dog perhaps sure Yeah, but what I'd like you to do is I'd like to go I got this new This is a free advertisement for a thing called an auto grinder. This thing mills on a second listen You have gotten so lazy. Yeah that you can't grind your own weed. I'm harnessing science I'm harnessing the powers of science It's like harnessing the Sun to kill a bunch of answer if you got a magnifying glass killing a bunch of people. Okay, so I Went and we got the fucking dice up I've been now layering between a sativa leaning hybrid and a sativa into one single joint put some keef in there

Right save it at the bottom of your grinder get it all get all that fucking Get that magic lice, right? That's what I'm calling Keith right magic lice put a little bit on your lips It makes your lips all numb. It's bad for you, but it's good for you at the same time, right? Cheat it down. Okay. I want you to go get yourself some of that fucking nurse Put it inside your lungs smoke it. Don't vape it. It's better to smoke it I know some of you are trying to fight smoke in and technically maybe in a way They say weed might be bad for you in the long run, but in the end, you know, it's also bad for you Fucking bullet in the head. Well, yeah, I don't think anyone's ever compared anything

That's ever been bad for you to having a bullet in the head, but that's how we're all gonna go, right? No, that's not how all of us are gonna go Generations gonna choose to go like that because we're braver than the last generation I will choose suicide. We're braver than the last generation, but the generation before them I think was quite brave. Yes, they because they they made they made the economy. They they made the atom bomb Yeah, people like like that's brave. Yeah, very difficult to do But we're gonna get in town. So we're gonna get into some phantom fed at Cheney So remember if you're at your office tell Carol to go fuck yourself the expense reports will get there on Friday

Button your shirts all the way down to just the one I'm gonna do it as well because I'm wearing a button-up shirt today Yes, you are. There's one just so there's one button at the very bottom and the ends of your shirts are just covered in your nipples So your fucking boss can get off your ass. Mm-hmm, right? Allow the cold drafts from the office go underneath your breasts men and women It's like J Lo's green dress at the Oscars remember that when she invented Google images because it's no kid So Get yourself in the headspace Remember again, you're vulnerable. Oh, you will be murdered by someone

Or the government Let's get creepy. All right. Let's get creepy with it. Here we go. Henry. Would you like to start it off? Fuck you? All right, is that scary? It was a little scary. You you do have some good jump scares today. Our friendship is scary That's not so scary the human-faced Hemathodic demon cat. Oh, this is a true listener pasta written by Mallory in Kansas City Thank You Mallory from Kansas City try the barbecue Stuck in rush hour traffic on I-35. I was listening to last podcast on the left Henry ready listener email that described an unsettling encounter on the side of the road with a human-faced cat

My blood ran cold and my heart filled with dread as old memories flooded my thoughts I'd once lived with that human-faced cat. Oh I was 13 years old a painfully awkward only child with parents battling through contentious divorce and Some kind of attempt to comfort me my father brought home a stray cat that he found wandering the streets Hmm. This cat was unusual He had long white fur with rusty orange spots bright blue eyes that were slightly crossed and the disgusting pink nose With three black freckles on it. Oh, his tongue was too big and it hung out of his mouth

That's cute. It is cute. Yeah, so far so good. His tail took a 90-degree turn just a few inches from the tip He was undoubtedly male with fuzzy little scrotum. That was clearly visible But most distinctly this cat had alarmingly human facial features Hmm. I named him Steve a human name for a human-faced cat. Okay. I move with my mom to a rural town with one whole stop sign That our worded cat was my only friend out there. Oh Shortly after the move Steve went missing I was devastated after weeks of violent storms and historic flooding that nearly Destroyed our house. I knew in my heart that he could not have survived Steve was gone forever Oh, no exactly three months later. I woke in a cold sweat. I dreamed that Steve came back

I was confused. This should have been a happy dream. It said it felt more like a nightmare Hmm. I ignored the feeling of impending doom and tried to forget it Three days after the dream I walked outside in there. He was Staring at me with those crossed blue eyes. It was the same cat same color Same spots same nose with the same freckles same tongue Sticking out at me same bend at the end of the tail same creepy human face There was something different though something we couldn't explain This cat was female no fuzzy scrotum in sight lost the scrotum. Yep

Which is it happens to men it does so you gotta be careful. Yeah, absolutely. You gotta get that t90 You're gonna do t90. Yeah, we welcome the cat back into our home. We laughed about our gender confusion I think it's p90 x never mind. Yeah t90 x it's from like the terminator or something like some like yeah I thought or it's someone of those it's one of those like T lady like porn film. Oh my yeah I was frequently left alone while my mom worked two jobs the cat. I once adored now made me uncomfortable I hated being alone with it always staring at me with a human face What are you? Where have you been? What happened to your fucking balls? I?

Noticed unexplainable things happening around the house small things at first like a missing belt or a brief glimpse of a dark shadow Then bigger things that were harder to ignore things like lights turning on and off by themselves doors slowly creaking open and suddenly slamming shut I started experiencing terrifying vivid nightmares Night after night waking up in tears Silently screaming as I was completely unable to move paralyzed in absolute fear. My life was miserable. Hmm My mom remarried and we eventually moved back to normal civilization The darkness lifted the cat went missing again. Oh, no, I'm not 30 years old for years I've written these experiences off. It was just a cat with chromosomal abnormalities and the wild imagination of a board kid

Then I heard you talking about another person seeing this human-faced cat and I can't deny the complete and total terror I endured with that monster mm-hmm And I felt I now feeling obligated to warn you all If you encounter a human-faced cat on the side of the road turn and run do not invite it into your home. Oh Hey man, I don't know. I actually think human-faced cats are quite quite cute There were some human-faced dogs people were so many pictures of I mean, I think that's weird, too it's nice to have a animal but also with a human face you can feel like it's not

Sad or pathetic to just hang out with that creature. I I don't I don't care for them Well, I've seen them and they do seem pretty haunting now, but we never figured out what happened to the cats balls. You see that's That's where I'm scared. Yeah, because they're just floating around somewhere unless it never even had the balls It was just some fur or maybe it was some burrs or something like that that was down there when they when they Not castrate when they neuter a cat do they they don't take the balls? Yeah, that's the whole thing So it could have just been scooped up by another family and then been neutered. Yeah But then it also seemed like it was missing the other part too. I don't know well very good story scary stuff and What we have to do now is put on our little Bob Barker hats and say remember get your animals spayed and neutered

Yeah, do it because what apparently what happened is we had a friend who has a Chihuahua and they didn't get the dog Spayed are you kidding me? I didn't realize that the pussy becomes filled with gunk And it becomes all like all of the eggs turned into like this liquid slurry that actually gum up the entire hole And they literally have to go in and remove the whole pussy No, I understand no, I know because I'm sure of Chihuahuas and before you get them neutered Yeah, it's a bride. You gotta get him neutered and also your old women too if you ever Nana that has been neutered You got to do it because it was a nightmare when we had to do it with me more That is not appropriate when I had to go and we had to uplift that whole pussy up out of her

It took two men a shovel and of the civil war surgery. Well, she's a Zabrowski All right Franco. She's a foes. You're a Franco. That's what that's there the other name You could have been part of the family. What I don't know. All right. I was a part of the family my grandson You could have been part of the family. I was a part of the this is a Browsky side of the family. I already was but the Franco's the Franco's I was a part of the family Okay, yes, this is coming in from a dude named Dan and You know, I just think this is a fun story. So it's it's called the poop butt of stink woods So this is great good serious stuff. It is now. This is kind of serious

Okay, so here he goes two years ago ahead at all a beautiful fiance a high-paying job in advertising. That's it That's all yep, you know in the in the industry that is crippling this country absolutely And they he also had an apartment overlooking Central Park in man in Manhattan So he got a fiance job in advertising and in an apartment overlooking Central Park I was a young hotshot brimming with sex appeal and confidence that is until that fateful day My Lambo, which I'm assuming means Lamborghini. That is the common term for it. My Lambo was at the dealership getting a tune up So I hailed a cab. I this must have been pre-uber. I Was running late that morning because I slept in I was tired from being up. I was tired for being up late

Fucking my fiance. Yep. I know that feeling. Oh my god and her two and two of her supermodel friends Wow, this guy is living the dream. Wow. I wonder what's gonna happen to him. I don't know. Oh My so he's up. He's having a menage a toy with his girlfriend and two of her supermodel friends That's not even a manage a toy. That's a quad quadra tra. Is that it? Is that a foursome if you're the fourth? I think it's gotta be there's just who's in the bed I don't know in the bed. I just don't I have never done orgy math. Absolutely. So they go on I Looked at my Rolex and yelled shit I have a presentation in eight minutes when the app when I have a presentation

When the camp pulled up to my building I threw with a driver a hundred and jogged inside towards an open elevator I got inside and pressed the button for floor 80 where my office is Before the door closed. I heard an old woman's voice Hold on the elevator, please. Very good character work. Thank you. I do like that voice We may not contact she was 15 feet away and moving slowly with a walker. We've all been there, but you gotta wait No, I did one of these the fucking act the actual human centipedes was in front of me While we were trying we're coming out with a cab and she took like a full I want to say two light cycles to get across you gotta wait for them

That's what that's what they've earned for living such long lives. They're asking to be murdered. They want to be ready They do not they want to walk slow. I was already late So I hit the closed door button and said catch the next one you old bag Wow, this guy is gonna get screwed as the doors were closing. She pointed at me and whispered poopy bot Poopy bot the elevator started going up and I chuckled to myself. Oh crazy old lady I walked into the packed conference room without a moment to waste and began my presentation Within a few minutes. I felt and heard a gurgling in my stomach. Excuse me

I said to the room of enthusiastic faces I need to use the bathroom which you should not say that you have to use the bathroom if you have to leave a Conference to go to use the bathroom. You say excuse me. I've lost a briefcase I've left my briefcase in my debt cab sounds like you are you are in the middle of some farce like you're on you're in Three different dates and you're pretending to be an advertising executive. That's bad advice All I know is no one wants to buy anything from someone who just has to use the bathroom They just don't want to buy they don't want to think about it Everyone has to use the bathroom, but they don't want to think about it. So he is a yeah, excuse me

I got to use the bathroom. I could feel it I could feel that I had to shit badly and immediately head it to the bathroom I sat in the toilet at the last moment and I felt a sweet release as the poop flowed out of my butthole 10 seconds 30 seconds one minute went by and the poop wouldn't stop coming I tried to flush the toilet, but the toilet instantly clogged up I had to get out of there pulled up my pants and they filled with in seconds. He just shat himself Whoo, I shat myself at the office once this actually reminds me quite a bit of that how to go Terrible I had to throw out my underwear and then the problems that then the slimy residue from the Indian food

I had that like the kind of weird bad slime I had inside of me got all over the inside of my pants And it made a visible stain on the outside. Okay, and it was my good khakis. Well. Oh khakis. That's horrible So anyway, this guy he took off his pants and left the bathroom, which I don't know why but I was and he goes out I was slowly walking bow-legged with my wiener flopping in the cool office air leaving a long brown snake like Continuous log of moist shit behind me people were gasping screaming and throwing up. I'm sorry I screamed I can't stop shitting when I got to the lobby I frantically looked for the old lady to reverse the curse, but she was long gone Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to month. That was that was 10 years ago today

I lost everything my fiance my job my Lambo and my sweet life of luxury now I'm something of folklore an urban legend, but but believe me when I tell you that I'm 100% real I live alone in the forest in an ever-growing house made of my own Shit Wow, I live alone in the forest in an ever-growing house made of my own shit So tell your children to be aware if they're playing out amongst the trees and they see a giant house made of shit And they smell something foul because it could very well be me The poopy butt a stink would Scary stuff indeed honestly don't mess with old women though the way this news cycle is going on

He could honestly just be on Fallon. Yeah with that and Fallon be like, oh, you're shit. No I beat my wife, but you know what I got to say this is when you got it Okay, number one number one if an old lady puts a curse on you that curse is gonna take Because they got years and years of pent-up rage and aggression She's probably still pissed off about something from the 1950s Maybe this reminded her of when her former boss closed the door on her as she went up to the penthouse To go wine and dine some businessmen and meanwhile She lost out of millions of dollars because they kept her as the secretary

I would also say it's really important to learn to seduce old Women that look like Roma these women that look like they could because I imagine that this woman while she was old I imagine she did look a vaguely witchy. I don't know my grandmother. She could put a spell on you and she was Polish No, she was a horse. I think she was Norwegian. No, my grandfather. My grandmother was the same way oldest Sicilian witch shit But I tell you what if someone ate her pussy good, I imagine she would stop putting so many curses on things I don't know why you're thinking about that so much. Oh my relax. It's comedy. Okay. It's just comedy. It's just comedy So here we go with the story this is called the curtain people I'm from England and the house I grew up in was built after

WW2 in an ancient parish of Kent called Kennington or as would name during the Saxon era signing to There's a 12th century church a short walk up the road that was used as a resting spot for monks on a pilgrimage to Kentivary hence the local pub being named the pilgrims rest Among the ancient history the parishes dotted with Stuart Tudor Georgian and Victorian houses and schools So you got to know the gist of how old this part of England is so God knows what my house was built on And I believe this could be the only explanation for some of the shit I saw an experience there and some of this surrounding area, but that's for another time Oh, that's another time my earliest memories in that house were of the curtain people

My bed used to face the window of my room and the moonlight would come through just enough that if you stood in front of the curtain You'd be perfectly silhouetted in the light and this and that is how I would see the curtain people Except they would be behind it Every night I would watch these perfect shadows act out these silent scenes in my room I know I was awake and they didn't frighten me yet. They were completely silent and seemed to be oblivious that I was there I would watch them like a movie. They were always different Some of the figures had hats like a bishop would wear and sometimes there would be other objects like an altar The tall hats is what I remember the most and the kneeling and bowing of some of the figures

Other people would enter the scene and some would leave like I said it was like a movie hmm My mom would hate having to come into my room at night as I would give a running narrative of everything That was happening behind the curtain. She would pull back the curtain to show me nothing was there and she was right There wasn't but as soon as the curtain fell back. They were there again like they always had been That was until one of them came out from behind The curtain remember this is this is what it said the very top of this letter said Henry you like the real one So here's a real one if it's not real. I'm crazy. Here's a real one. I Had called my mom into my room like I did most nights. I

Couldn't sleep and the curtain people were being too interesting not to watch and I needed the toilet So my mom came to take me to the loo and as I got out of my bed a small Girl came into view and without skipping a beat I watched her slide out from behind the curtain climb down from my dresser and walk silently across my room She was a white Faceless shadow and she was wearing clothes like pajamas with her hair cut short As she walked across the room passing me she motioned putting some kind of gown on and then got into my bed She turned to the wall and simply faded away

Hmm after that I would often wake to find her sitting at the edge of my bed just staring I Was never scared because I didn't understand that this wasn't normal just frustrating no one else could see them She was the only one that ever came out. Thank God Soon the other curtain people frightened me the things they were doing seemed mean and upsetting to my four-year-old self I would see women weeping would look like arguments between men with lots of angry gestures Soon they were fighting and people being struck in the face people being beaten and scolded it was violent What disturbed me the most was the begging woman I watched as she was begging with the man who stared down at her on her knees

And watched as she was dragged away flailing her arms. I hated it I didn't like what I was seeing anymore and would cry for my parents to sleep in my bed with me So one night they caved and took me to their room and as I was carried down the hall to their room I looked in my brother's room and the curtain people were at his window to and as I sat on my parents bed I was horrified to see them at their window as well. Hmm. I remember crying Feeling as though they were tormenting me because they wouldn't leave. I would squeeze my eyes shot hoping they would disappear But as soon as I opened my eyes, they were still there acting out their horrible scenes After a while, I did not stop seeing the curtain people either way. I was too scared to check if they were there

But I always felt a presence in that house Even as an adult if I ever wake at night, I'd look at my curtains first just to check they aren't there Even though I left that house years ago Speaking later as an adult with my older brother about the things I saw he too relayed Experiences about being watched by a girl in pajamas as he tried to sleep. I hadn't even mentioned her Wow Now I have my own child whenever he cries in the night I enter his room with caution as my mom probably did more so since last week When I went in to see him and he was set up in bed

Looking at his window and said he was watching the dancing This made my spine shiver, but seeing as it is a different house I'm hoping that these are just the babblings of an imaginative three-year-old God, I hope so Whoa, I can doubt very cool shadow people I heard people I see weird shit as a kid Of course, absolutely. Do you not have any of those weird kind of childhood illuminations? I remember there was I remember being very sick. I want to say I was sick, but I remember seeing shadow people essentially Dance in the shadows of my nightlight. Sure. I kept a nightlight for a very long time. How long?

25 really? Yeah, but it was at the burning of a cigarette. Okay. No, I mean I definitely remember feeling a whole bunch of spooky scary things children are very susceptible their brains are still forming Our brains are getting too closed up to experience anything. I think we're they're being calcified with booze and weed. Oh All right, this story this is coming in by from Emily. All right. Do you she want you to say her name? I'm not saying her full name. There's how many Emily's are there in the world with your last million. No, that's the dead giveaway What's her last name? I'm not gonna tell you her last who's the whistleblower. No That's why I by the way that when I was remember when I got arrested for helping that little man through a Turn style. Yep, because I didn't open warrant for drinking on a stoop

Which I paid a lot of money to live in that apartment and I think I deserved to be able to drink I'll always remember the time that you got the ticket for drinking on the stoop and that the cops said you could finish it They were very sweet. Yep. Long story short. I got arrested and then I was sitting there though before they were like whatever I was like, okay. Why is this taking so long? They said, oh, yeah, there's a lot of bends So we're searching I was like, I think you're probably not searching through all the bends. Yeah Why are you sure to throw the kissles? There's eight of us in the world. That's not true. I found one You know who's another kiss on he's a singer Brett kissle from what what kind of I don't know. He's a new country singer. He was I did Zany's Nashville

Thanks for coming out by the way, and he took a picture of it. He said, who is this other kissle? And she's like, I'm the first kissle and no, I mean, I don't know. He didn't say how old is he? I think I'm older although he has kids. Yeah, your first kissle. Yeah, but yeah, that's he's just cheating by making more of them Yeah, yeah, absolutely. But no, that was very very nice Brett kissle. Check him out. All right. Here it is Emily She says She says she's told this story to a couple of family members and friends before But she never thought to send it until now. So here it goes. That's what she says I grew up in a rural northwestern England

I had a very active outdoorsy childhood and played outside a lot as the kids need to do to still Gotta get people out there. I think kids need to be reading more. I would put that out there I think kids should be reading on treadmills If you get them active, but reading multitasking, they could do both. No, but I mean, I just think kids need to get more time more time You know, I don't know stretch of your mind stretching in eggs It sounds like you you have some dystopian hell future lined up for whenever you have a child She goes on to say when I was nine I was hanging alone of when I was nine I was hanging out alone in a field by my house when I saw a figure slowly walk over the hilltop

He was massive with black wings and red eyes I stopped and stared for a moment thinking it was a trick of the light The slight shine of his wings made me think it could have been Someone carrying trash bags, but it wasn't yeah, you know how people just carry trash bags Yeah, that's what I do all day, but it wasn't I looked as he came closer and his face was distorted with black and silver markings His eyes were so red. I could feel them boring into my soul I ran home screaming after that. It took me years to explain to anyone what it was that I had seen It's one of the most vivid memories I have and I have never been able to explain it until I saw a picture of the Mothman and

Her descriptions my idea is that perhaps there is more than one being or entity that falls under the Mothman descriptor Either way, it was terrified and has it stayed with me for the last 10 years or so Very good. She saw again. She saw another Mothman. Of course. I think there's probably 30 Mothman I I really wonder what is the entity that is the Mothman because I think a lot of times Well, that's well, you know, we've talked about it on the main show often is the idea that you know the universe and our conception of reality Is it complicated? Sure? And so these things like could possibly be like multi-dimensional things were in their world Everybody's Mothman and then he's kind of poked through every once in a while, but I don't know again. It's all conjecture

I believe that paradoxes are important because people that are afraid of paradoxes are people that Secretly desire absolutes and I think absolutes are a thing that are very dangerous I think a little more wiggly than we want it to be absolutely That's why when we go to Mars Henry you think about this we're the aliens and maybe in the Mothman world Dude, they've been thinking about this since 1955 since fucking Ray Bradbury wrote the Martian Chronicles. Yeah, all right It's not a new idea. No, no, no Ray Bradbury had it in 1956 Um, so but when the Mothman when they come and see us, maybe they think Man, they didn't got guard hairs on their cocks

But the apparently Mothman's got a huge cock really from all the the stories I've read all the the fucking biographies So my encyclopedia entries I've read okay Now this is I had to throw some aliens in there because as is my want and this is also from a Officer of the US Navy cool. This is somebody that really would like, you know, I love this shit. You know, we love a troops We have to yeah, I love the troops. I love the troops You know, I would like to do a USO tour But I I feel like we're so aggressive that if we get if we just go to the battlefield We're gonna start signing up for the military. It'll be like the movie stripes

I think they're gonna make me admiral. They could here we go Now this is a another true story The lights were always out there ask anyone who served in the Navy and has done enough time at sea and we've all seen them They've got stories about strange visits from the lights. These weren't satellites. They weren't regular aircraft Nothing on our planet moves the way these things did they hovered for long periods and would ship their course on a dime These crafts were brightly lit They changed colors as they moved and most importantly made no noise and left no radar signature The policy towards these craft was always to log them in the bridge log

Make sure they weren't endangering the ship or any aircraft and just carry on with business as usual We treated them more or less like ghosts. Hmm My most vivid memory of one of these sightings was during the winter of 2009 Our ship was returning from deployment crossing Atlantic headed to westward at about 270 true at a speed of around 15 knots That's how I know he's legit because he said a bunch of sailor stuff that wasn't about sucking thing Yes, and knots that that's a navigational term. Yeah, it's it's how many links of garlic knots Can travel in an Italian

That's true that is just that's Italian C speed I know Italian math. Absolutely. I had the midwatch that night I was standing officer of the deck everything was normal and about as boring as any transatlantic passage The bridge was dimly lit a shade of red with the faint green glow coming from the radar repeaters Things tend to get boring and you tend to spend a lot of time either BS and with your shipmates I'm looking towards the horizon or for any context unlike comedians because we play chess Oh, of course books and talk about global International affairs because comedians are on the front lines of what what we should be doing now comedians are more important than soldiers

Yeah, absolutely. I just want to put that out there as a fact just throw that out there as an idea On this particular evening our banter session was interrupted by what originally look what originally look like a normal surface contact off the starboard bow Bearing about zero to zero relative normal protocol in this kind of situation is to track the bearing drift on the contact And start taking radar readings and do the math to make sure we don't hit the vessel Yeah, the contact looked typical at first faint light staying relatively still probably a merchant craft headed the same way we were Then things started getting strange Normal lights on any craft on the ocean were either white red or green

This thing was bright orange and yellow like it was on fire Hmm We quickly noticed that something was off about this object and contacted the tactical action officer at combat to see if there were They were tracking this thing. I asked if it was squawking any signals identifying who it was or what kind of vessel it was The tao had no clue what I was referring to as this vessel now well within surface and air range radiate Air radar range was not shown up at all Whoa, we checked our military and commercial radars on the bridge nothing the lights got brighter and brighter still my next step Was to check the charts who the hell knows maybe this thing some random lonely piece of land a lighthouse or something

No, we were in the middle of the goddamn Atlantic Ocean no land for days The lights kept getting brighter At this point it was just a solid ball of orange and yellow light It was bright brighter than any ship would ever be while steaming at night as the contact grew in size I kept calling into the tao to see if anyone had anything on this contact nothing as far as our instruments were concerned This thing didn't exist It was at that point that I stepped on to the bridge wing and took a look at this thing through the big eyes our ship mounted large binoculars

What I saw made absolutely no sense When you see something that defies logic or brain does something where it immediately tries to rationalize what you're looking at in this Particular case what I was seeing was what looked to be a large geometric structure Surrounded by fire that was too big to be a ship both in length and height My brain tried to tell me what I was looking at with some sort of large oil rig or building There was any other explanation this thing had definite angles and was massive as we continued approaching it The object just kept growing and growing Eventually this thing looked to be the size of an office building

It still showed no radar signature and didn't appear to be moving in any direction. It just that it just sat there I kept staring at it for what must have been 10 to 15 minutes The object grew and grew and became brighter and brighter a massive Fiery building in the middle of the ocean Hmm. I remember trying to contact it on bridge to bridge at least once but it was just radio silence Then just as quickly as this thing appeared it was Gone it vanished into thin air Imagine looking into the darkness and watching as a giant ball of flaming light was just snuffed out like a candle

That's exactly what happened in this case This thing left no evidence that had been there no radar signature nothing for our instruments to record It was a ghost of a sighting as far as the TAO was concerned This thing wasn't worth waking up the captain for because how long it takes for him to put on his hat Oh my god 15 20 minutes easy when you're on deployment The CEO gets to little to no sleep and God forbid if you're the officer who wakes them up over a nothing story The sighting was recorded on our deck log just a green book that we write down any and all occurrences from bridge watch We all went back to our duties and registered it as just another visit from the lights crew was it shocked or even scared by the event

We just see so many strange lights out at sea. This was just another nothing event Whoa, we still saw the lights night after night. We'd get our visits They'd circle the ship do their thing and just vanish. It was normal. It wasn't frightening. It was just part of the job The noises from the ocean those are a different story The noises scared the living shit out of us The bloop Wow, there it is a very scary United States Navy they are on the front lines of UFO and paranormal studies. They actually did a really Indripped study of the bloop and they found out what it was. Was it good? It was Gerard Depardue farting in his tub in France

Whoa, my god. Well, you can just believe how much wine is contained Gerard de pardon. Fuck you Gerard de pardon. Well, remember even my hero. He went water skin Okay, this is that the one where he's the giant and Billy crystals the gnome. No, that's not right The giant is is George Mira son is George Depardue. Is that the one where the guy doesn't isn't that the movie where he pisses In a jug and he drinks it. No, that's that's a that's what bear grills does because he goes out with a camera crew and when he's All isolated by the way, he's just like drinking piss. That's the thing with the bear grills thing I actually watched a little bit of it But the whole thing is always so alone, but there is craft services

You could almost see it right out of the cameras. Oh, yeah, right out of the camera while you see You see the Toblerone Yes pyramid that they have at the very end of the table. My goodness gracious. Okay, this story comes in from Tiffany And she says it's short and sweet like Henry Sometimes I'm sour Mm-hmm. I believe that. Oh my goodness now I'm just thinking about Elton John after every song you stands up and he's got such cute little arms And he's just like that and then the crowd they turn the lights on in the crowd and they go crazy

I mean, I was going crazy too. I was screaming. You're yeah, man. It's Elton John Okay, I mean, I'm glad you were affected. I forgot how many great hits he had they're all hits They're all he left a bunch out. He did leave a few although he hit the big ones Okay, this is coming in from Tiffany the dark. I have always been afraid of the dark I don't know if it was this is what do you think about the dark Henry? Like a dark room. Yeah, are you afraid of the dark? Um, you know in my home, I'm not afraid of the dark I I don't really fear the dark as much as what's inside the dark

But I very rarely get freaked out inside of a dark room. I have a sensory deprivation tank Good gift certificate that Jackie gave me that I have to use soon. Oh my god. What's the point? It's fucking you feel it dog. You got CBD lotion. They put in the water, dude. You don't even fucking feel the difference between you and the fucking liquid Dude, but does anyone make sure you're not drowning? Yeah, there's gotta be some papers you sign or something Yeah, let's say it's fine if I drown I mean if I want to commit suicide and tank this fucking Sensory deprivation tank company I can I guess that's my real liberty as an American. All right. Well, Tiffany doesn't like the dark She says I was always have been afraid of the dark

I don't know if there was a triggering defining moment in my childhood or Preformed infant brain that created this fear perhaps something ingrained in humanity from a time before Language has created this fear in so many. What a beautiful sentence. That was it's possible. I Remember as a young child avoiding the dark patches between the hallway lights when I would run into the kitchen for a glass of water at night Refusing to look into the blackness of our exposed windows onto the dark night that encircled my house my neighborhood my world As a young adult living alone I always kept a light on a kitchen light above my sink and hanging paper lantern in my bedroom Be careful though

That's fire hazard. Well. Yeah, I mean it's only it was an electric one. Okay. Well, I hope so I like candles But you got to be careful with them. Yeah, any firemen will tell you that's the cause of 99% of the fires that exist everywhere If I'm gonna tell you anything to get laid by the way, Henry, what's going on in California? You got to be careful out there. It's dry. Oh My okay, so she's got a paper lantern in her bedroom soft enough to sleep through but just enough light to chase away the dark in all Except the very corners of my room once I woke up in the middle of a stormy winter night to total darkness My power had gone out the darkness swallowed me and no matter how hard I tried my eyes could not adjust to the abject blackness My body prickled to my body prickled with cool sweat my stomach a hard not Fear held me tight fumbling through my bedside drawer

I finally found the large flashlight. My dad had given me as a housewarming gift. See Everyone laughs at the dad gift. I like a but I want a tactical flashlight. Sure. I love that You know when you know when the dad gave her the flashlight. She was like Now the powers out and then she's surrounded by a By blackness and she's scared the best part of a flashlight is that if you ever get lonely you can stick inside. Oh, right So she found the flashlight that her dad has given her as a housewarming gift a Weapon and a source of light in case of an emergency that single beam of Translucent to white piercing the darkness was enough for me to find a restless sleep through the remainder of that night

But now now I love the darkness. It covers me like a velvet blanket I feel the security of the blackness that my vision cannot pierce I feel the comfort that the darkness provides the perceived safety of the unknown the piece of being invisible and maybe Hopefully just one day forgotten. Oh no the light the sliver of whiteness cuts through my darkness a sharp slice The sliver is growing a triangle of white against my world The light bullies my senses and my vision returns and now I see my chain around my two thin ankle And now I see him it coming towards me. I Don't have any wine Gerard Wow there it is the dark very spooky tale indeed, but then Gerard's like I don't drink

Like Dracula, but then when it turns out it's again this pass. Okay. All right now This is a actually pretty creepy story again. This is a vaguely real one. Let's see what this guy says Last winter in order to escape from reality for a while. I packed up all my shit and stocked my family's cabinet in the Colorado Rockies Survives to say I was falling into some bad habits and needed to get my mind right and get away from a certain scene for a while Okay, I totally wouldn't mean to and when I was tagging the whole graffiti scene to keep pushing each other It was me Banksy Banksy, too. Yeah, there was Chanksy me and him me Banksy Chanksy and don't forget about credit union. Oh, I Was having fun with my graffiti lore I don't know how they get all the graffiti on the top of the buildings they climb they're young

I don't know, but I understand get involved in a scene that you got to get out of The cabin sits on a few acres of wooded hillside in a historic ghost town There are two cabins on the property the lower cabin was built in 1920s while the one up in the hill was built by my grandparents in the early 80s It served as a summer getaway for my grandparents for most of my life though since my grandpa's past six years ago My grandma has no desire to spend time there and the summertime the town may have up to 50 residents Oh, but last winter there was only two of us myself in an 85 year old man on oxygen Who'd never left this cabin about a half mile down the road, okay? Nobody my family has ever spent a winter there Because the water relies on a spring so in the winter the lines freeze and yada yada

You get it the first couple months were spent splitting fireward Yeah running around the mountains with my pup and just enjoying the solitude well Well, how did he get the water was he just licking it like a like a salt lick like he's a deer I don't know like he was there at the beginning of the winter before I went fully solid no phone no internet no worries man I spent the evenings watching the sunset with a glass of whiskey and a little nug Oh, yeah, I can't express how much I enjoyed every second of this experience The snow started to fall around the middle of October by the time November hit There was a solid 18 inches of snow blanketing the mountains

It was one evening in early December that this all went down Before nightfall I hiked to the stream where I'd been collecting my water and filled the two six gallon jugs Set them on the hiking path and threw some snowballs for my pup to drain the last of his energy before nightfall Mm-hmm. I lost I lost track of time and before I knew it. It was nearly dark. I called rascal will fall And he did for a time But then he began growling into the woods off the side of the trail I know those woods better than most and I'm well aware that there are predators around so now I'm a big enough guy and have my dog with me so I kept moving forward

Rascal eventually gave up on whatever was out there and we get we made it back home and the pitch black saved the porch light It had begun to snow softly. I got to work boiling water and poured myself a whisky Hmm Rascal was asleep on the bed in under an hour and I wasn't far behind him I laid around for a while reading and eventually dozed off with the light on while watching the snow and wind ramp up out the bedside window I awoke in total confusion to a symphony of baffling sounds and it took me a second to get my bearings My dog was losing his fucking mind at the window beside me The wind had picked up and the snow fell fast and heavy. There was a strange

Noise coming from the kitchen area and the wood steps outside Growned if someone were walking off the bottom step Well, I gathered myself enough to realize what was going on. I jolted upright and turned a look out the front window towards the stairs And that moment I could have sworn I saw a figure step just out of range of the porch light and slide behind a tree Casuals could be hmm my pup was just under two years old and he's the friendliest dog you could ever meet But I couldn't get him to calm down even a little every hair on his back stood up and

Then he was snarling and gnashing his teeth at the window and fall and following something with his eyes that I couldn't see It wasn't nerving to say the very least. I jumped up and ran over to grab the 12 gauge But on the way something caught my attention in the kitchen on the bottom of the cabinet near the sink My grandpa placed little hooks to hang a series of coffee mugs There are probably seven or eight in the hooks on the top seven or eight on the hooks at the time But while they were all hung they're motionless one swung wildly and was hitting the mugs hanging on either side I stood and stared for a long moment ignoring my dog snarls and snaps just watching as this mug continued to knock into its neighboring mugs Ting ting ting every hair of my body stood upright as I turned to grab the shotgun

And I felt like I must be dreaming as I loaded a cartridge and snapped it shut It was I was breathing heavy and took slow deliberate steps towards the front door while trying to calm rascal It was no use I stopped and looked out onto the storm through the front door and it was snowing so hard that I couldn't see anything more than Ten yards past the porch in the snow I took a series of deep breaths raised my hand for the knob and as I twisted the handle and pulled the door open There was enormous crash on the backside of the cabin and the lights faltered for an instant Rascal immediately fell silent jumped off the bed and hid behind my legs visibly shaking

I must have been shaking furiously at this point too, but I didn't know what the fuck was happening outside So I swallowed hard and stepped out into the cold I grabbed the spotlight it kept on the porch and clicked it on I yelled in the storm that I had a gun And if anybody was fucking with me they better leave when I was satisfied that nobody was out there I decided whatever that crash was out back could wait until morning. Okay. I put on some music and stroked rascal until he eventually fell asleep on his head Hi, oh, you get close with your dog Okay, when I finally began to relax something happened that still chills me to think about rascal snapped upright and let a slow and low Growl apparently watching something crossing the living room

The goosebumps I had in that moment were legendary rascal stood up and lowered his head still growling at whatever he was sensing and then it happened Beep I couldn't play this to sound at first But then it finally clicked that I nearly fell out of my chair When I was a kid my grandparents were staying at the top cabin the rest of the family would sleep at the lower cabin and Instead of yelling down the hill when it was dinner time my grandpa installed an intercom system between the two cabins And that's exactly what the noise was. There's a few problems. First the power to the lower cabin was cut for the winter Second the lower cabin was securely padlocked and last but not least

The fucking intercom hadn't worked in at least two years. None of this crossed my mind in the moment Beep Beep Beep I could hardly stand up to walk over to the small intercom box But eventually stumbled over to it and without thinking at the time Helped the talk button and basically screamed that there was anybody the bottom cabin fucking with me. They better be gone before first light I stood back and waited only a moment before I heard the sound of someone

Keying the talk button on the other end They just held it and didn't say a word I tore the plug out of the goddamn wall Turned every light on the cabin on and sat in the middle of the living area with a bottle of whiskey and a shotgun Well, I changed smoke cigarettes until the darkness turned into a dull gray and the snow subsided And that was the scariest night of my life. Hmm. I looked for footprints in the fresh snow, but found none I still have no explanation for the crash on the back porch I went to the lower cabin with the shotgun and it was still locked with the power still off

The property is snowlocked from October to April so I checked the main road for sled tracks Nothing Odd things happened every now and then all winter, but nothing as intense or scary as that night But then when I recap the story to my family my grandma got stuck on one detail She laughed and told me that I handled it better than she would have but she wanted to know Which coffee mug was it was that was swinging on the hook? When I told her it was the New York Jets mug. She went ghost white She bought that mug for my grandpa on a trip to New York and he used it every day when he was at the cabin in the summer

Shit, whoa, New York Jets fan, huh? That's the scariest thing of all. Kissel. Whoa Kissel, that's too much. Pardon the interruption. I think that's a great show. I love that show Um, I think that that man reacted the same way all of us would minus the sick I would have got my vape weed. Oh, yeah, I would find you I would whiskey do want to be careful because at some point You just you forget why you even started getting hammered in the first place And then you're just hammered with a shotgun and you got to be careful there because that's not good gun safety I legitimately would you shrink myself into total unconsciousness? All right. We got one more? Creepy noodle each

But yeah, I mean I gotta tell you you got to get hammered if all of a sudden your intercom starts going on You just drink yourself. You can drink the ghosts away. Yeah, I mean you can't drink the ghosts to your family away No, they're still there. No, they become ghosts once they say bye-bye, and then you're like that when did they leave? It's like home alone, but you're an adult didn't I have a daughter you did well drink her away drink myself single here We go this one is called There's no there's no real name for it, but it's written by Mike from USA He said please only refer to me as Mike from USA. Yeah, yeah, Mike Mike from USA It reads a few years ago

My friends and I went to enjoy our spring break in a remote lake in the southern part of the US where weed isn't even legal We brought tents hammocks and of course ample substances to you just hammocks like a robot. It's a hammock Hammock hammock. Yes, we will go we will go camping with hammocks camp buying Going camp buying with the tape pay. It's a ham. It's a hammock. It's a hammock hammock Weird that's how it that's what it is. That's the scariest of all you're reading comprehension. It can go No, that's not about reading component brand We brought tents Hammocks

This is and of course ample substances to fuel our week of outdoor fun as we were Unloading beer from the cars to our campsite a US Army Corps of Engineers truck rolls up and the ranger leans out my Visage my fight my visage stared back at me through the mirror reflection in his aviators Cool, he informed us about this could turn into something very sexy or very gross Is he about to make love to this entire camping trip? I don't know yet. He informed us of how to pay for the site and gave us a map That's probably sex. Now. This is how you pay for the site. Yeah Body I want to see the bottom of your balls. Oh my he then narrowed his gaze and said in his boom how are like accent

What was boom how are sound like? He says I hope you all didn't bring no dang old alcohol down Yeah, I'm bringing all day. No alcohol out. That shit ain't even allowed. Okay, that's it. I know that that's perfect That's from Kingville. Absolutely. So he's like hey, I hope it'll bring no alcohol down here. That shit ain't allowed Okay, I swallowed deeply and said all right y'all have a good one Which is exactly what you say when a cop tells you that you can't have something you say, all right Not yet it. I don't have that. He maintained his gaze at me as the white truck idled away slowly I thought the whole exchange was off somehow, but forgot about it as the group began as to sent into debauchery and set up the tents the next day in town as my friends got groceries

I went to the town's history museum. Why not? It turns out that El Capone had a hideout in the area and rumors of his hidden incriminating evidence and And rumors of his hidden incriminating evidence in the lake had plagued the area since prohibition So there's a lot going on there with Al Capone. Is this about Geraldo Rivera? I don't know I don't know. Do you remember when he opened the vault? Of course everyone remembers that So he's finding out about hidden incriminating evidence. He said I thought that was exciting and wondered what could be in the lake guns money hooch I needed to know more I went to a local brewer in spark to the conversation with an older man

Asking if he knew about the legend of Al Capone's treasure What he told me would change me forever. He said it was 1954 me and my friend Johnny was set on finding that treasure Nobody knew what was in them alleged crates, but Johnny and I had a plan You see he was a certified scuba diver from the war and I had a boat We went out we went out late one foggy night and tied a rope around Johnny This is gonna get good. He tied the rope He tied the rope to the crates and tugged the rope to signal me to pull her up I was sitting there in a boat waiting for what seemed like forever

I knew his oxygen would be getting low. So I began to worry I said to myself after I finished this here beer and reefer cigarette. I'll put them up I'll pull them up as I drank and took the fog got something heavy. You see something deep inside We said that this ain't right and we need to get on out of here I started pulling up on the rope with the doobie in my mouth that it felt too light when it came up The end was all frayed and bloody as I turned around as I turned around to see the engine and get the hell out of there I saw something in the water thinking it was Johnny

I waited for him to swim over but soon realized it was something else then dozens of them surfaced all around me They're glowing red eyes cut through the fog. I was stunned by fear Then I felt a slimy hand with long fingers on my shoulder smoke stung my eyes So I couldn't take a gantt so I so I couldn't take a good gander and it is as an end Oh my god, what are they? You're like an alien. So I took a gander at it. Yep As I turned around to face the tall dripping horror in my boat People are just pulling their cars in oncoming traffic. No, no, no People are jumping out of their office windows like it's 9 11 startling brew boom how our ex

Ask southern draw. This is what he said. Hope y'all didn't bring no alcohol around here. Shit ain't even allowed Yeah, you let me know around here. She didn't allow I fell backwards into the throttle and whatever that thing was fell off into the water The old man had a solemn look on his face as he drank his beer next to me at the bar. I said wow That's quite a tale Not quite believing him but no but one thing stuck with me is odd What the thing said what the thing is what the thing said is the exact same thing that we were told by the stranger ranger Got it. Yeah

Whose motions and demeanor were almost reptile like I told my friends what I had heard that night by the campfire They concluded it was BS But the other guy in the group who had also taken mushrooms with me Agreed that the wording coincidence was pretty spooky. You guys they're all fucked up Yeah, after a bit of campfire tale telling two friends and I went out for a night walk and took by the lake as Not to let our dank fumes disturb the nearby campers

I inhaled richly Yeah, the rumble of a pickup truck grew as I as I concealed the joint thinking it was the ranger He didn't see anything behind us and continued to smoke once the trucks once the trucks noise faded as it turned around I noticed a pair of blinking red lights out on the lake I tapped one of my friends on the shoulder to look But before I could say anything the park ranger exploded out from under the water Like a missile the red dots at the center of his mirror shades blinked as if he had Constraban seeking thermal vision his hands and feet had

Amphibious webbing and he had gills on his neck as he collided with us and pinned us to the ground He said it ain't even allowed I blew smoke in his face which seemed to stun him long enough for us to get away I'll never camp in a prohibition state ever again, but something tells me that al Capone's treasure Story is all a cover up for something much larger because I saw something on that amphibious ranger's uniform Something unsettling something that would stay with me forever a german world war two swastika The patch with german text underneath translated to prohibition officer unit six nine six six six four 20 how's he making this why would the army corps of engineers have a base in the middle of nowhere though?

I don't have any answers. I know I'll find them or die trying Part one finished. Well, that's part one Yeah, buddy Well, honestly, it's a cool idea for a script It's literally just it's about nazi zombies. Yes, it's nazi It's uh, it's um the creature from the black lagoon, but nazis. Yeah, but it's like that that snow movie I love that movie. It's a great movie again. We could we could do two more episodes of these Oh, sure. We had hundreds of submissions. So if you didn't get yours read

We read through pretty much all of them and they're absolutely what we just had a pick and choose and kissle And I just randomly we both have like a list of them We're just randomly choosing them and again that side story is lpotl at gmail.com. We love your fucking emails We truly truly love them. It is uh, it's so cool to have very creative and fans that are plagued by scary things Oh, yeah, I have a story about something terrifying that I witnessed during my time in Afghanistan Other than all the war shit. Oh, wow. That's very scary. Absolutely Packs of roaming feral dogs are very common sight in southern afghanistan They make their way into bases in combat outposts in search of food small children try to sell them to you on the streets

Needless to say when I witnessed the phenomenon I am about to describe I brush it off eventually That's just another trash fed afghan street dog It all started what I would consider a typical day We were sweeping the road for ied's and building a small bridge over the helman river At some point in the afternoon an afghan elder brought us a wheelbarrow full of goat meat wrapped in what was essentially non-bread Like little goat burritos He told us the food was to thank us for the new bridge and keeping the Taliban out of his village

Against our better judgment about half of the platoon including myself ate the goat burritos We were so sick of mre's and not being able to take a shit But every four days his mre's have an extreme conceiving effect Unfortunately for those of us that ate the goat burritos We had an issue quite the opposite of constipation for the next 24 hours another poo poo story There's a lot of dude. I honestly the other one was a dookie story, too Yeah, I there was probably Of the once there was 25 stories that had to do with asses and shit. Yep. Yeah

Because it's 2 a.m. The next day I had been shitting my brains out for hours since the goat burritos Nevertheless, it was my shift to conduct fire watch and patrol around outside the tent one thing. I will always remember about afghanistan Is how beautiful and full of stars the sky was southern afghanistan is extremely rural The homes are made of mud and other materials from the helman river and there is little to no electricity Because of this there's no light and look there is no light pollution And the sky lights up at night with millions of stars and colorful patterns. I have not seen anything like it before or since nice We were staying the night at a very small patrol base no more than the size of a children's soccer fields called Combat outpost rankle

It was eerily quiet that night and my lack of sleep combined with the endless goat burrito diarrhea seemed to have a slightly hallucinogenic effect on me I took a wooden ammo box to use as a toilet to berm on the edge of the outpost The tops of these berms are lined with razor wire on the other side of the berm was a long Long banded mud house with blown out wall. It was in the middle of my 23rd molten lava shit of the day and then I heard it a long deep rumbling growl I jumped off my makeshift toilet with my pants still at my ankles already my m16 scanning the top of the berm And praying I would not have to shoot a dog charging at my exposed dickenballs What I saw instead was still frequently visits my nightmares

A drooling beast with glowing yellow eyes so bloodshot. They looked as though they were bleeding was crouched upon top the berm It's head poking in between the razor wire and it only patches a fur and a completely hairless head The little fur it had was oily and matted black and gray The animal had actively bleeding gouges all over its body like you would see on a bear that just fought another A substantial pool of drool was collecting under its open mouth. It was bigger than any dog that I had ever seen Even as a former newfound linoader Wow This beast looked closer than size to a bear

But with bony thin legs and huge paws sunk down into the fine afghan sand Its claws were black and long like something you'd see on a bird of prey. I completely locked up I had been in plenty of firefights and other life's threatening scenarios during my time in country I had never just locked up before Something happened to me as that creature stared in my eyes. My heart was pounding, but my body was frozen I didn't even know if I could have pulled the trigger if it charged at me after a couple more low guttural noises The creature started backing up into the shadows slowly disappearing until all I could see were the yellow eyes Suddenly the eyes vanished

I could feel my body unlock the nighttime bugs and other ambient noises kick back on again like somebody threw a switch When I finally was able to move my legs again I ran back to my platoon's tent looking over my shoulder and back at my at the berm every couple steps I ran into the tent and told my platoon sergeant what I saw He told me and a couple of buddies good to go walk the perimeter and make sure dogs were trying to get into the outpost We walked around for almost an hour Shining our flashlights over the berm into the night The only trace of the beast we found was the large puddle of drool in the berm where I experienced my standoff with it

I touched the drool with my glove and the liquid was viscous and slimy or remind me of the drool from the movie alien But that would burn you That's the whole problem with it. Yeah, my buddies had a good laugh about it They gave me a bunch of shit told everybody in the platoon and saw ghost dog I eventually came to the logical conclusion that it must have been one of the feral afghan dogs that we see every day Maybe just a large alpha and the sleep deprivation made it more in my mind than what actually was The next morning the sun came up and as we headed out of the outpost village in a convoy As we left the gate driving along the berm

I saw a little girl with greasy black hair half in the shadows standing in the space of the blown open wall of that abandoned mudhouse as I drove by Only her head Turned to follow my truck My body locked up all I could do was stare Into her dark yellow eyes Whoa, it's a very good. It's cool. It's a werewolf indeed man Dude, I fucking love scary stories. I'm so sad that halloween is over that october is over

I know that for us it never ends technically never ends, but and I we keep it in our hearts I mean, but the sad thing is this isn't necessarily I don't know if it's sad, but you know the crazy thing is now It's already christmas season. It's I mean they're already putting up the christmas I saw them taking as soon as you see them taking the skeletons down at your local pharmacy. It's all done I can guarantee they're putting up stockings folks. We can do some pushback on christmas. You know how? We systematically and I mean unfortunately This is just how it is to make an omelet and you have to break a couple of santas

We get a couple of these mall santas and we string them up when we set them on fire I don't think that's a good idea and I don't and I think the mall santas are the ones who are killing christmas They're all crazy. We find ones that want to die We find one they all want to die consent forms. No, but it's ones with a cancer One's with like long wrap sheets ones up Have you seen the documentary about mall santas? Yeah, they're all they're all criminals They're sad they like anybody who likes having somebody sit on their knees But I mean now we're gonna get because I'm certain that we have mall santas that listens to the show

I am not certain about that. I hope that we do if you do write in again. I want to hear your mall santas story I almost did it I could see that there was a period of time where I almost did I was pretty desperate for cash Yeah, um, but I would say this, you know, we just we we line up a bunch of these these willing Sacrifices and we burn them in front of a michaels in front of a joe and so we show that we're not fucking around And we show them if we're willing to kill these humans. What do you think we'll do to all these precious decorations? Oh my goodness. Well, that's a good point not I'm not against the christmas decoration. Christmas should be 12 hours long It's just if I would say why does halloween?

December you can start pushing putting christmas decorations sure it's once a month you go you had a month because now this is thanksgiving month I wish that there was a halloween hangover period that would allow the the functions of halloween to continue to november 15 But the problem is if you are a thanksgiving person, you love your family. You like to go eat a lot of food I mean you got a big family. I love thanksgiving Thanksgiving gets totally screwed because october's big time everyone loves octo everyone loves halloween and then thanksgiving christmas is trampled and all over it. Yeah, it's it's you know, it's got a tactical flashlight of its butt Yes, it does which is good again when the power goes out. Yes So thanks to all the moms and dads out there that got their thing that got their kids gifts that the kids scoffed at it first until they

Needed up and thanks to the moms and dads that put it in the v and became moms and dads instead of just put it in the B Well, I don't know about all that but I mean also but or don't because we've got too many people It's a tactical flashlight. We have too many people on the plan you can run over it with a car Just six or seven chances set on fire in a parking lot. It's going to send a message They're always running over the the flashlights with a car. How many have you ever ran over a flashlight? Has a flashlight ever been run over? What are you talking about the tactical flashlight? Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's just to show how strong that's just bragging. No, I know but no one's it's not a real scenario

No, I know that but it just shows that you can be real real real real real real real real fat and sit on it in one break Side stories l pot l at gmail.com. Let me know if you ever run over a flashlight Are you fat enough to break a flashlight with your own butt? Let's know let's find out. Let's go. I want to know but now man. We got we have we have letters for days We're going to keep I'm probably going to still go into this But yes, no more creepy positive submissions if you could possibly if you could if you could halt them for now Because the time has passed and we now have a many for the future and we're going to read through creepy emails as we go You know, I like reading creepy. Absolutely. And of course you can send the stories you want us to talk about

Uh to the email address for mentioned and uh, if you have a hero of the week Put in the subject hero of the week and of course if you have a hero of the week song you want us to play We always do. Yeah, we always do feel free to create it because you're you're all very talented artists very talented Um, so we have tickets available november 8th for the death becomes us festival Kissel and I are going to do a super special hyper planned. You should see the costumes. Oh my god built Unbelievable stories live. You would not believe the amount of work. We're putting into this show The nice thing about like, oh, is it going to be good? Is it going to be bad elton john? You know what I had high expectations and you know what he did? He exceeded them for us

Set it low. Set it low. Oh slow. Let's go low. Let's limbo We're going to be in dc and that's that's going to be the fun part and um, yeah Because who knows who we'll see and who I could fucking I can throw a bag of shit at if you know Stephen Miller and you would like to have him come on stage I would love to throw a bag of shit on him honestly If you guys know Stephen Miller and can invite him to the show and swear be like tell them This is a republican show like honestly like that We're super pro the whole administration and we love his tactics like butter him up say like we do like

Like hashtag Stephen Miller a light like people that we think that look like Stephen Miller But aren't like hot enough to be him like that kind of shit. Yeah invite him to the show We'll take care of him. Sure. Whatever that means. Uh, yes indeed. All right, everyone. We'll thank you We'll cover him in whipped cream Like varsity blues Mmm, get your tongues ready. Um, all right, we got that show No, I'll tell you guys I'll tell you guys a lot of the late show in New Orleans Get it come on down watch this tape and you can see the scintillating behind the scenes

What it's like shooting a live comedy special and how exciting it is how exciting it is There's gonna be cameras And people will be like laugh you have to laugh now for the cameras. There'll be some more mom Yeah, there'll be some of that but also yeah, if you have an active warrant You might want to not show up on camera. You will be on camera. That's right Some of you will if you're on the lam right now, you're gonna want to just buy the documentary But honestly by the live special I'll put it this way too If you do happen to show up in costume, you're more likely to show up on camera

So if you want to do that and you got a nice ridiculous costume or you're uh, you're a cool-looking babe You're a cool-looking dude. You're out there Big fat guys with big laughs. Sure. I want those guys like covering popcorn going. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Say it again, Henry Talk about your asshole again, Henry. Yes, indeed. Well, that is discussed quite often Also speaking of specials hail yourself america. You can go to hail yourself america.com November 1st Well, you got the url evening and scooped. I got the url. I didn't get scooped and thanks everyone who came out To zany's in Nashville this past sunday. It was so much fun And uh, everyone loved the documentary and people laughed they're like you henry in it. Yeah

Henry space is in it. That's what I like to hear and um, yeah, so check that out hail yourself america debt comes So live your life like you just understood you just understood that kissle in a blackout did not purchase hail yourself.com And you are going to purchase out from underneath him, right? I did do it and then laugh about how much money You would charge ben kissle for him to get hail yourself dot com from you And what that would take and there's certain urls Um, like bud light lime monster that kissles kissle has been purchasing a lot of different urls He's in that business. Well, you do have to flip them. It's like it's it's real estate on the internet Who's got boobs dot com?

I live and laugh like that person that got boobs dot com first, right? I think what he'll love Love the fact that there is a free internet out there and that internet brings you uh anything from a goat fucking a man to uh To feed from the international space station and how beautiful that is and how free that is All right, bud light lime monster is still available. Let's see who's got boobs I'm assuming who's got boobs is a url that has been taken b o o b S or dollar sign. I'll do it with the s first. Let's see who's got boobs. You can get that one too. No, that's fake No, that's it. Who's got boobs? You just wrote who's got boobs dot com who's got boobs dot com. No, I was just saying boobs dot com

Oh, just boobs. Yeah, who's got boobs? Oh, I thought you were saying who's got boobs dot com Oh Now if boobs.com isn't taken then boobs.com uh redirects to busty camps dot com which is a porn site. All right There you go everyone. Thank you all so much for listening really appreciated. Hail yourselves. Happy halloween Magustalation c and dc. I hope you throw up from candy tonight or throw up from making love so hard you get sick from physical exertion Oh, I hope you all have fun. Hail Satan This show is made possible by listeners like you thanks to our ad sponsors

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