Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: The Goose Who Wore Nikes

Episode Date: September 10, 2020

Ben 'n' Henry break down this week's true crime news: drone reconnaissance, a cock-shaped turkey tail, a goose who wears shoes, the great chicken wing debate, and MUCH MORE.Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

There's no place to escape to. This is the last stop on the left. Side stories! That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories, yes. Man, quarantine, huh? Yeah, oh yeah, yes. So much fun. Yeah, guess it is Joel. You know what I'm really excited for? My favorite holiday is coming up and we get to spend it in quarantine. Thanksgiving? 9-Eleven. Good Lord. Alright everyone, welcome to Side Stories. I am Ben with Henry, right around the corner from 9-Eleven, which I just realized. Yeah, and do you remember last year, I believe we were in, it was Manchester.

We were in Manchester. On 9-Eleven, I always remember that the main newspaper of Manchester, I want to say was the Manchester Wobbly Neck Digest. I think it was that, yes. I don't remember the name of the newspaper, but I remember the cover, it was that day, you wake up, you feel a little solemn. It's a sad day. A lot of people died, not just the 3,000, but you think about the thousands after. You want to say that, yeah, now we're in a forever war, a constant, forever conflict that we don't even have any enemy for, we're fighting a concept. We can make a new one up though. Every time we want, every week.

It's about Brandon. But I remember the front of that newspaper that morning, the biggest news of the day. 9-Eleven. On that day, September 11th, man finds only one crisp in bag. I remember that story, and I remember it too, this day. Yes, it was only last year, but you heard that right, folks. People overseas don't really care about 9-Eleven. A story about a man finding one crisp in his bag of crisps was on the front page, and it got the center spread of the magazine. It was a front page with, I think, about three follow-up pages that really did let you know about...

Got into a psychology, talked about straight up the percentages of how much air and crisps normally go into bags. It was like a whole process where they talked about the beginning of bagging crisps, they talked about the beginning of crisps, they talked again. And he held it, he was so sad, remember when he was holding it, so sad? He had a frown, he had a frown on his face, as if he was looking at the devastation of September 11th, 2001. But instead, he was looking at the fact that his fat, awful, salt-ridden lips could only get one crisp inside of his mouth. He wanted more crisps! But guess what? The crisp was a foot long!

Also, shake up the bag. You have to shake it up a little bit and know what you're getting inside. Well, Henry... But I will say, I want to say again, we missed Manchester and I can't wait to go back. Can now wait to go back. In Curry Mile, I had one of the craziest Indian meals I've ever had in Manchester. It's called the Curry Mile. There's Curry Mile, which has got the biggest swath of South Asian, that whole group, one of the biggest outside of India, one of the biggest groups in Indian restaurants outside of India. And I went there and I went to this place that had the weirdest combo I've ever seen.

It was fusion, Italian, and Indian, to the point where I sent it to Marcus, because Marcus' favorite things are vindaloo and the chicken parms up. Very interesting. That's the only thing he eats, his high acid foods. Yes, he loves it. And for some reason, his asshole bleeds. Bleeds out of his butthole. And so I said, you got to go there.

And he said it was a bit too much for his blood, because it was like a korma. It was chicken parm. It had a chicken parm Indian mix, where it was korma poured over chicken parm with American cheddar cheese put on top of it. And you did this, you ate this on 9-11. Yep. Isn't that something? You did not really honor the memory of the people that died in those buildings many, many years ago. You got to eat a cheeseburger on 9-11.

Or you can go over and check out the Guinness Book of World Records. It's not just for people who squawk a duck for miles and miles at a time. And then they get an award just for being somebody's like goofy father that they don't want to talk to it at dinner. But then he's like, I have eight Guinness Book of World Records. And they're like, what are the records? He's like, I hopped on my head 18 times yesterday. I held an almond for five weeks. And it's like nobody cares.

But this one is a big deal for GWR, the Guinness World Record. Giant What's It? Giant Breaks longest puffed corn snack record. So the Giant What's It? Giant Breaks. We're opening with this. I was going to update on several true crime stories we have to update. You want to update. You want to begin the show. You already mentioned with 9-11.

That's a big true crime story, isn't it? Isn't that big enough? With the What's It? Giant, it's measuring 35 feet. It has broken the world record for the longest puffed corn snack. The snack team took eight people two and a half hours and 29 minutes to create. Wait a second. It's called a What's It? The What's It? W-O-T sits.

What sits? Giant. And this is the snack. A Walker spokesman, Wayne Rowland, said, When the team called me up and suggested this, I couldn't believe it. It's not often you get... It's not often you get briefed to make the world's biggest What's It? Yeah, I feel like it's... Yeah, it's not often because it's a pain in the ass and it takes a long time.

Nobody cares. It's not even cheese doodles. It's a What's It? It's a What's It? It's totally different. Okay, Henry. That's a cheese doodle. Henry, so you wonder what do you think they're going to do with this? What do you think that you do once you created a 35-foot What's It?

What do you do with that? Well, if I was, let's say, the owner of What's It? Right? If I was, I would say you carve it up and you feed it to the poor. Well, instead, they've decided to mount it. So this is according to, again, way, way... So they just wasted all this food. Yeah.

They just took a fat... Literally... How many... Was that a mile of food? How much of that food? 35 feet is not a mile. That's it? That's 35 feet of a What's It?

I'm honestly coming down hard on this What's It if we're not going to be feeding the poor with it. I know, but Wayne Rowland, again, he says we're going to get it mounted and displayed on the wall of the factory. That is so unbelievable. Isn't that nice? In order to gain the record, the snack had to be at least 10 meters long, yet stay the same width as a normal What's It giant. Now, isn't that interesting? No. The crisp, which is as long as 164 regular What's It giants.

This is 164 What's It together to make one large What's It. You understand why they got the attention of the Guinness Book of World Records at this point. Sure. It had to be baked by hand because it could not fit in the factory's oven. And you know these motherfuckers weren't paid extra. You know for a fact that they were told that this is a part of being a member of the What's It family. They get to look at their work every time they come in clock in, you know, get your frickin retina scanned. I don't know what they do with people.

I know they take away their civil liberties more and more on a regular basis now. But then they get to look at the wall and they get to see the 35 foot What's It. And they're like, that's why I'm here. Why is that? Why you're here to make a useless object? To make a thing that is only propping up the name of What's It's using the Guinness Book of World Records as a prop as well. Everybody is being taken advantage of here. Except for that corn puff, which should have been taken advantage of to feed all of the gaping maws.

The children that gather around. Because you remember how many orphans we saw? Oh, the city is a real problem. You can't even feed them What's It. They didn't make the world's largest apple. This is the UK. These kids are trained pickpockets and they sell farthings. They sell geese.

I know what they do. But on the street they sell honks of beef and they'll fix your shoes. And they got a beef store coming up. A fucking chimney and they'll fucking do, but that's, they need food. Well, Paula Sepskinska, of course, she's from the Guinness World Records. Of course, we know that. Yep. This is what she had to say.

She says, we've seen a lot of size inspired food entries and attempts before, but never have we seen anything quite like this. She goes on to say, it's not every day. You see six people having to hold up a single snack. Isn't that what it's all about coming together, speaking of 9-11, holding hands. None of these people were paid to be there. They are workers. They were all, they were, they were paid to do what they do and they're loved. They'd love their job and they have to have, they have to, you have to wear a smile.

Otherwise, the crisp is a little frowny. It gets a little soft. Yes. Every single time. There's a smile in every crisp. There's a smile in every crisp and there's a frown in every dump. I think that's called the old Indian mile. Well, let's take a look at this next story.

This is an update. This comes from our Pish Shrine episode that we did not that long ago, which we found out wasn't as much of a Pish Shrine as it was a Cumb Shrine. And, and, and fecal. There was a lot of ducky involved. There was some fecal. This guy had it all. This guy was doing it all wrong. This comes from Honey Bee Royale on Reddit.

This was a, we covered this. She ended up doing a response video like kind of show more and more details. So we have an update. So Ezekiel Zias, the man that entered into these people's homes, just so for you know, just so you know, just a quick update. The home was broken into while they were on vacation for a week. Ezekiel Zias came into this home, defiled it, stayed in there for a week using their PlayStation, taking videos himself and writing manifestos. You totally forgot about coming everywhere, taking dumps and pissing everywhere too. It's a part of it.

That's a part of its celebration. It's a big part of it. Celebrating himself. It's a self care ritual. Okay. It's hard and, it's hard in quarantine. It is. But he had left several pages of notes detailing plans to surgically transform the people living in the house, Honey Bee Royale, from what they said, these things called omnivores is what they called us to an elevated race called Ezekiel's, which is interesting because it was his first name.

They were going to cut off their parts and make them blind and he filmed a 47 minute video of himself nude in their master bedroom where he mentions his trials that are detailed all of the notes. It's very, very, very scary. And my understanding is, I don't want to blow up these people's spot, but I think they're still there. I just don't know what you have to do. How much? Okay. So you know a little bit more about they called. I know you and Natalie, especially Natalie knows a lot about, you know, witchery.

Yes. What kind of spell would you need to do? How would you cure the room, the house of the memory of this man? Call a realtor. And move. That's what you do. Well, there's nothing magical about that. You just get, you just move.

You got to go. I guess you can resale the house. You could smudge it. This is where he came. You could sage it. You could do all that kind of shit, obviously. But yeah, but you know, you just, I'd leave the come out. You don't tell the people.

Well, is it like if a murder takes place? I believe you have to tell them a murder took place. Or maybe that's like, you got a free phone call when you're arrested, which is also not true. I don't know if that is true, but I think that's like, it's got to be some kind of role. Like if you sell John Wayne and Gacy's like plot of land, you do have to tell people, right?

I think that is true. I think of a murder took place. I know they believe that you can, you have to ask the realtors can. I believe I'm not certain email side stories, LPOTL and tell me if I am wrong. I believe realtors can hide the fact that. They can yada yada it like Seinfeld. I believe that if it has been either anything below murder, they can kind of, hmm, but you might want to tell the new people moving in there that this home might have been selected

by a cult. Like we're not quite certain if he had accomplices. They might pay you more money for the home depending on who's buying. You never know. Especially if they're really lonely and they're looking for sticky friends. Absolutely. But Ezekiel Zias has finally committed murder, which is what we knew that he was kind of, we were waiting for.

So this was the escalation that we were talking about speculating that might occur. They call the police. He got scooped up. He got put into lock up. They released him. Oh God, that's horrifying. They had the provisional release where they basically were kind of, oh, don't worry. We got tabs on him.

And he immediately broke into a Buddhist temple. So they then picked him back up and they put him into some form of healthcare. This place called the healthcare facility. It was the OCCC, which is the state prison in Oahu, which is honestly that could be maybe nice. Sounds very nice. Look at all the pull you want. Absolutely. But apparently in Oahu community correctional center where he was put in with a celly, that

man was murdered in his sleep. Honolulu police, according to KITV Island news, Honolulu police say 27 year old Ezekiel Zias is charged with first degree and second degree murder. The officials say he killed 62 year old Vance Grace inside the Kalihi jail on Monday night. We don't know how we've done it, but it does seem like this was a foregone conclusion. He was eventually going to escalate into something extremely violent and he has done it. Well, it seems like the guy was quite territorial. I think we can say that about him.

Bad with roommates. Bad with roommates. You know, I am actually surprised we don't hear more celly murder stories. I watch a lot of the prism shows. I know you do as well, Henry. I love them. On abling and stop it. We've been talking a lot about criminal justice reform, a lot of overcrowding.

Sometimes there's up to three people in these little holding cells. I would freak out. Oh, absolutely. I mean, at some point, that's why they're, you know, the cleanest people in the history of the world, inmates, they are so crazy clean because if you mess with one of their things, you're going to get, you're going to get hit with a bag full of noodles. Well, what's the term, right? It's institutionalized.

The idea that like someone eventually you kind of become very protective of your space. An inch is a mile. An inch might as well be a full bedroom. It's really very intense to live in a very small space like that, especially with a bunch of people that possibly violent offenders, possibly people that are crazy. But you know, he got put into, I'm a crazy tank. I don't think that he needed it. Instead of put into like, they, they, did you fully extrapolate the situation?

They didn't look at this guy and say, Oh, he was threatening to surgically alter this family, but this is just a journal. These are just scripts where like, this is in Los Angeles, put them in an eight by 10 room with a random 16 is 62 year old dude. Yeah. But honestly, honestly, Henry, is there anything scarier? And I fantasize about this because this is, this is out of all the true realities being abducted by an alien.

Is it possible? Maybe. But one thing that being abducted, being abducted by law enforcement is very possible. And then you're, you're thrown into it. One of these goddamn cells and then you're just, you're, you're in there for, for hours and hours and hours and hours, days and days and days at a time. I don't know what I would do. I think I might just go to, I might go to Michael Myers route.

Never speak. Like never speak. Well, you're big enough. You're big enough to have mystique, right? You can appear to like, like X-Men, like from X-Men. You remind me of Rebecca Romain Stamos. I'm going to use the old last name. You remind me of her so much.

I don't know what it is. I think something about your skin. Oh my God. What if I could just transform her right now into a super hot chicken? This has been me the whole time. Please help our careers. That would be incredible. That would be nice.

I would love that. I would love that. That's in pitch meetings. So many pitch meetings have been just like, can you guys not be you? And then we're just like, this is so hard for us not to do. I want to escape from my skin so bad you have no idea. But yes, I think you in jail could have that mystique because if you don't speak, you can stand there and who knows what you're in for.

You know what I mean? They don't know that you're in there for tearing the tags of a mattresses. You're in there walking around like you can pretend to be nonverbal and like do like weird like fake sign language at people and people are like, what is his story? What did he do? Yes. For me, honestly, I think I'd convert to Islam. Oh, like my ties.

I think I go that direction where I get really into like reading, maybe try to get my own law degree, depends on what I'm in for. Yes. Because I just have to make it to the end of the sentence. So mostly I would try to turn maybe kind of like a bird man of Alcatraz type where I teach you a bunch of mice to be my friends. Like maybe that level, I try to stick to my cell. I keep one of those lifestyles where either that or I get, I got it.

I guess I got to get jacked. Oh, I think you're just naturally going to get jacked. I was looking up for a, I was just on my phone here looking for a story about the fake sign language translator, but I realized it's from 2017, but that's always very funny when there's a fake translator. But it's always a very serious situation, but no one knows sign. So you just have to show up to the police precinct and be like, I got this. And then they just, they just put you on camera.

Sometimes it's all about confidence. That's what we've learned quite a bit. Is that if you just keep lying, lying, lying, lying, then you, a lot of times you end up as president in the United States of America. I agree with that. I could see you run the yard. I could see that over a series of years where you would have to show your tenacity in ways that we would never, ever discuss outside of the walls of prison.

Yes, I just would have to learn to have to have the snappiness butt pussy that anybody has ever encountered. You would literally have to break one off in there. And I would go put up an open mic night. You think that, you want to hear the comedy from the, from the, from the, let them express themselves. The tears of the people who are incarcerated. I'm going to start doing that.

I'm going to do one of those jail, like Shakespeare programs, teach everybody Shakespeare, be an acting coach. But you know what those people do? They leave the prison. They don't just say, and now seen. And then it's like, okay. No, no. Yeah.

They get to leave. Yeah. They get to leave. And then, and then all of a sudden you didn't give Ronald the main part in Shakespeare. And next thing you know. Oh no. And I have to, I have to show my other skills. Yes.

Which again, you just got to be a jack of all trades. Indeed. Even if it's jacking, a man named trade. Yes. There are more mystery drone incursions over US nuclear power plants that have been revealed. Now this comes from Forbes. They are saying that several, it's crazy. We covered this a little bit last year, these weird mysterious drones that were coming.

It was around December and January and then they disappeared. They still don't know the origins of these drones that have been scanning what appears to be giant missile fields. This spot. You would think they would want to find out who that is or who's behind all that. They're not, they either, they are saying they don't know that this is highly fishy and very mysterious. There's a new cache of documents obtained under the Freedom of Information Act reveals

how 24 nuclear sites suffered at least 57 drone incursions from 2015 to 2019. The one that they're into the, in the September incidents, now this is from September of last year. The swarm of five or six large drones flew over the unit three nuclear reactor at Palo Verde in Arizona for about 80 minutes, a length of time which suggested they were carrying out a thorough survey of the site. I mean, is there anything that we don't know about our nuke facilities? A lot of them are in South Dakota.

I feel like everyone already knows about our missile silos. What new information is down there unless do you think that's where they're doing some more nefarious activity? I'm not sure. It's definitely way down there on the ground. Well, one thing I read that said 80 hours of travel on a single charge for drone is actually highly, highly improbable. It's like you're literally looking at, these are military drones.

I don't know. And again, I don't want this to happen, but I am not sure why we haven't, or I'm not sure why people have not militarized their own drones and why, I mean, honestly, I'm not sure we don't see more of them though. I honestly think it's already happening. We're just, we're going to start seeing it more and more and it just really depends. Well, you look at those protesters. I mean, I play all the video games now and it almost seems like every protestor should

just have a drone attached to them, watching themselves and you know, why not? I mean, I don't like the robots, but you know, if everyone else is going to have them. That was my dream about the watch cops, the floating orbs that would watch police officers behavior and if they do something bad, they get zapped from afar. But I still think that's an interesting idea, but I'm still in way, I've not been called. Wait, when did you have the watch? I like it, but when was the watch cops idea sprung? A couple of like a month ago, two months ago.

Really? Oh yeah. Okay. But I haven't got any calls from any robotic companies. Nobody's following up. So this is, it's really interesting. They don't know this new release also indicates that a third incident occurred at Palo Verde into December, 2019.

This time, apparently with only two drones described as industrial sized craft, three feet across as with the two previous incidents, they were exploring the unit three reactor area. They are trying to say that the certain areas reactors themselves, they are protected by a thick concrete dome and they are supposed to be able to withstand the impact of a crashing airliner. Right. But they said that there are other parts of these reactor fields that are more vulnerable.

Well, these giant where the nuclear fuel is where the nuclear fuel is stored can be very easily exploded and it's got some of the largest concentrations of radioactive material on the planet. Pretty cool. My friend, my friend Hugh out there in New York City, he does, he goes and he explores all the urban sites that, you know, are now defunct, you know, stuff like that. And if you wanted to get into a fun YouTube hole, you really can when it comes to people spulunking down these things.

Natalie's a huge fan, she loves those abandoned sites like walkthroughs. I'm going to say they need to get, they need to get some gorilla glue or some, uh, some flex tape, some flex seal because our silos are falling apart. So maybe, maybe it's just a construction company looking for like ways that they could help like get some silly putty in there. It's just like everything is falling apart. The hard of this story is, is that they have no clue what it is and they have been researching it.

So it shows that they have incidences of these reports that are coming to come in again. Put it down though. They're, that's the, they haven't done it yet because the one meeting in security, of course it's like, this is within nuclear regulatory commu, the nuclear regulatory commission. They did a whole evaluation of the threat. So this is from the freedom of information act release. They, they basically are saying, we can't do anything until they try something. So it's like pointing out that no flyers have yet exhibited a threat to nuclear power plant,

which to me also means we have no clue whether or not these are a part of some covert. Like, alley of the government where the reason why they are not blowing them out of the sky is that it's a part of some double secret bullshit that we have no clue. Triple secret probation. Yeah. We don't know what, we're, we don't know where they come from and it seems to be there is some hesitancy to just shoot them out of the sky, which means maybe somebody somewhere knows where they come from.

And when we talk drones, we're not talking, we're talking military drones. These are military drones. So these are the ones that look like the, like the, they kind of look like a whale. They look a little bit like a whale. Yes. Is it those kind of drones? It's not the predator drones. It's these giant observatory, like observatory drones.

It's the huge things that come flying. It's just weird to me, you can have multiple nuclear reactor sites and nuclear missile silos be buzzed by drones from mysterious origins and there's nothing that we can do. It's never good when they can play like, what's that in the sky? It's a bird. It's playing. It's never Superman. No.

It's oftentimes a foreign enemy. And guess what? When it comes to a drone war, he would definitely become a villain. I agree. And of course, when it comes to not to get two in the weeds on all this, but when it comes to the U S drone war, that was and is absolutely horrible. And the chickens are coming home to roost on that. If you really want to get sad, you can watch some more documentaries.

And there was one where I watched a small child in Pakistan saying his favorite days are cloudy days because then he can't see the drones. Jesus Christ. And there's, and those are drones with guns pointed right at people's heads. Any who, let's move on to a slightly different story. Shall we? Really? Peanut shaped meat.

Henry, you have a peanut shaped meat and so do I, but it's not served for dinner. This is according to, this is the Akron Beacon Journal. And I don't usually shout these people out, but Sean McDonnell really nailed this one. Akron Beacon Journal, phallic shaped meat prompts police investigation. I don't know if this woman needed to call the police, but she did. Basically, what happened was a woman bought a package of what she thought were smoked turkey tails, which is, you ever had turkey tails? I did not.

I didn't know that. I did. Honestly, I don't think I know that turkeys have tails. Turkey tails are kind of, I'm not sure what they're, is it the neck? It might be the neck. It doesn't, I don't, when I think of a turkey, I don't see the tail dragging around. Let me look this up. Am I ridiculous?

Am I insane? No, no, no, no. Turkeys don't have tails. You know the fan behind a turkey? You know when a turkey wants to have sex with you. Is that when it's for? I believe it's to, I think it's either to ward off predators or to entice a mate. Yes.

I think it does a little bit of both. No, it is. It's the actual tail. It is the tail because I've had pig tail. Have you ever had little pig tails? I see the pig tail. I actually don't care. I'm done eating pig.

I know, I know. I'm trying. But then I did get a pepperoni pizza yesterday, pepperoni. Why is everything, you know what I have been doing? What? Getting the beyond meat. I don't mind the beyond meat. The beyond meat is just fine.

But they're also saying, but is there true, isn't it true that there's like weird chemicals in the beyond meat? Yeah, it's going to grow your boobs. Man, my tits are already huge. Exactly. So this woman, she bought what she thought was a package of smoked turkey tails, but she received something that was a little bit more cock looking like in nature. That's me speculating there.

Her name is LaMia Singfield. She's of Akron. She said she had purchased the pack, smoked turkey tails from a grocery store to cook for dinner, which makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? But as she was cooking them with beans, well, because I bet you, ooh, I'm going to have to go. I bet that cooks down good with beans because you braise them up a little bit. You put a little bit of liquid in there.

You got the beans in there. If I'm simmering in there with the beans, she gets a little bit of cubed ham. You get some onions in there. You get some fucking leeks. Ooh, that would be really good. You get some fucking carrots in there, some mushrooms in there. Well, she thought she got a human penis in there. So she was cooking them with beans and then she's like, oh, something's not right here.

Something's wrong. And then she was like, what could it be that's wrong? Oh, the meat looks like it's a human penis. So this is according to Singfield. She says, I'm calling Save-A-Lot. This ain't right. That's what she said on Facebook. She bought this at the Save-A-Lot.

So I don't know if the Save-A-Lot's a reputable grocery store to buy your chicken tails from or your turkey tails from, but that's where she bought them. So she takes to Facebook because she found a cock in her stew, and that's what you do nowadays. You go to Facebook immediately. She says cock-shaped turkey tail, and I look at this. This is actually a very generously needed turkey tail. She should be thankful for this.

Well, she called Save-A-Lot. She says this ain't right. She's on the Facebook live stream. She says, I know what this is. Her receipt says she bought turkey tail. She says a photo label she provided says smoked pork tails. So perhaps they did a bait and switch. Oh, I like a smoked pork tail even better.

At first she thought it was funny, Henry, but then the longer she looked at them, so she's just staring at it. She's calling her kids, calling her kids, she's like, mom, just eat it, cut it up, do not worry about it. She didn't think it was funny anymore because she became concerned that indeed it was a human penis. So she called the police. The police show up.

They responded to her. The police come all the way to the house to look at the cock-shaped knee. She had it served. She had it on a paper plate. They took the mystery meat to the Summit County Medical Examiner's office for testing. According to the police report, the responding officers were also concerned that she found some human remains. So the cops were like, oh, look at the penis to me.

How were they? It doesn't even look like a penis. This is what she had to say. She says, I hope it's not human because then somebody is missing something that they need or somebody might be dead. She goes on to say, I just want answers. And on Wednesday morning, an investigator at the medical examiner's office said they determined the meat was pork, not human.

Wow, she's the luckiest woman in the world. She is. However, she did order the turkey tail. So this is still Savalot's fault. And this is according to Savalot. They did have to respond to her because they were contacted multiple times. It is indeed pork. But this is what they had to say.

They said, at Savalot, we have a long held commitment to the highest standards in quality and work in partnership with our vendors to ensure those standards are upheld. Very good. Nothing about not serving penises, though. Well, yeah, because in the end, it wasn't cockmeat. If it turned out to be cockmeat, this would be a bigger story. They go on to say, issues of quality receive the utmost priority. And we take this matter very seriously.

We can confirm that we have no previous quality issues with this item. And we have not been contacted by the customer in question or the local authorities regarding the incident. We will take appropriate action at this time. If I am the GM, everyone's dropping trough. But if somebody is missing a penis, then they are officially guilty of trying to poison the great people of Akron Singfield, the woman that found it. She is declined to comment after the incident.

She said on Tuesday that regardless of what it was, the meat was mislabeled and it certainly wasn't a turkey tail. So there it is. And isn't that the true crime story of the decade when you go to the store, you want to get turkey tail. Next thing you know, it is a huge piece of hogtail. I didn't know that the hogtails could get that big, but one of the reasons they thought it was a penis is because there is a little hole.

Well, yeah, there's a little hole. There's a little hole. Yeah, but that's where the bone, the bone, the meat is circling around a bone. I don't know. Have you ever had a pig tail? I don't think I've actively done that. I mean, I've had the pig skin or whatever, the fried crackers. Cheecharon.

That's are so good. And then also Brooklyn Star restaurant that has now been closed in New York, which is so sad because, I mean, why not just ruin everything that we love during quarantine? But they had a pig tail dish. Oh, you just sucked a meat out of that bone. I know. You got the, you also, you would always get the, what are you, the scooping of the bone, the bone marrow, which is not meat.

I don't understand why you need it, but it's not, I just would never, you don't get full off of it. No, you didn't have, it's an appetizer. If you're getting full off of bone marrow, you're going to die a fucking heart disease. Yeah, that's very true. This is a very sad story. You got brought to my attention. Oh, I want to do this one.

This one is sad. I want to talk a little bit about this. This is just, you know, you never know who's going to lift you up. You never know where you're going to find your hero, but then also sometimes it still ends in tragedy and it's incredibly sad. This is about the goose sewer shoes. Oh. This is a story from Atlas Obscura by Kara Jiamo.

This was sent to me and I just was so into this, this is such a sweet story, but also very sad. This is such a cute story because they're little shoes and they're made for the goose. This is the story about Andy the Goose. Oh. Andy the Goose was a footless goose that was found by a man named Gene Fleming who was an inveterate tinkerer, which makes him sound like a child molester, but he was an inventor. An inveterate tinkerer.

An inveterate tinkerer. Yes, but that just means he had hobbies. That's great. Which is scary. I didn't even mean to say it like that. It sounds like he tried. He was just a fun guy. He was a good guy.

He wanted to make shoes for the goose. He saw a goose that was being, it seemed to be, like this weird goose, it was struggling to follow his fellow geese across a gravel road because it had been born with no feet. Now Gene Fleming said, because I'm a Shriner, my natural instinct was to help him, which is also technically your natural instinct is also to an elephant group with a bunch of old men. Elephant walk. Of course.

I like the Shriner's hat. I don't think the Shriner's have ever done anything wrong to anybody. I don't know. I don't know. Jerry's out on that. But no, he figured that he could help this goose out because he thought that maybe I could get a board. So he picked up this goose, he tried to train the goose to use a skateboard.

The goose could push along with one stump while bouncing on the other, but it seemed to be very difficult. But the goose was patient. So eventually Gene, he hit on a solution, a pair of patent leather baby shoes, and he stuffed them with foam rubber and then attached them to the goose's feet. And it got to walk. And it was running around, right? It was very, very sweet.

There's an incredible photo of what looks to be a Sears photo shoot with the goose wearing as little as what seemed to be converse with a kneeling owner, Gene. Gene is a handsome man, I have to say. He is. Nice assault and pepper hair. Very serious. I think that he truly loved this goose. He truly loved this goose and it got along incredibly well.

They said that Andy used to look at him as if he was some kind of hero and he used to nuzzle up with him and they used to sleep in the same bed. They used to just like nuzzly-nuzzle. Now the goose does put the nuzzle up, though. That is the thing about a goose. Geese are technically terrible animals. Yeah. They're very aggressive.

Full terrible, maybe difficult pets. Absolutely difficult pets. They're also difficult strangers. But you know who else is difficult celebrities and that's exactly what this goose became. Very, very quickly. He got on Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. It became kind of a big deal because a member of the Hastings Tribune, a reporter for the Hastings Tribune, wrote about this goose's potential and it ended up getting a fucking

photo spread in People Magazine and then Nike learned that Andy preferred their brand of baby shoes. They sent him a crate filled with Nike. He's us. He had little Nikes. Wow. He had little Nikes. All of this was incredible and it brought a lot of fanfare to the town.

There was the Andy Fan Club. People came and unfortunately Hastings has soon been now known for the Kool-Aid was invented in Hastings and that kind of overshadowed Andy the goose. Oh, come on. Kool-Aid is, okay, first of all, let me just say this about Kool-Aid. They're taking a lot of credit for what sugar does. Oh, Kool-Aid does. It's just the powder.

It's just sugar. Once you realize you have to just dump a bunch of sugar in it, it's not, you ever just hit Kool-Aid with no sugar? I don't know. It's useless. Why would I ever have it? I haven't had Kool-Aid in a long time, though. It's useless.

But Gene was so powerful. They're trying to teach him to ride a bicycle, Andy did. Well, also, they goose-proofed the passenger seat of his bright orange Triumph TR7. So it was goose-proofed, which I don't know what that means, but it's been goose-proofed. No knives around. They put plastic on it so he could shit all over it. And then he wouldn't even go anywhere. Him, Gene, and Andy were inseparable.

They had a fan club. It was incredibly sweet. And then on October 19th, Gene and Nadine got the kind of phone call every goose owner dreads. What? Is Andy okay? That's an anxious voice on the other end. A couple of Hastings residents have been out metal detecting in a local park.

And they had found the dead goose sporting telltale sneakers. It had been decapitated and its wings are ripped off. It was brutally murdered. What? Andy's killing his national news. Oh my God, what is going on here? Brutally murdered. He was murdered like, it was like Andre Cicatillo murdered.

He was found. This is according to reporters. He was found in a heap decapitated and skinned. Yep. Near the town's baseball diamonds. And they said they coded a local first grader with spina bifida. He was my favorite goose because he had no feet. Why they do it?

I don't know why they did it. It's really very, very sad. And this, even the weekly world news covered it, which they usually cover fake things, but I guess this was, they covered this. They said, Cicco commits foul deed just for the pun. They set up a reward fund around $10,000 to try to find the murderer. And honestly, it was still open as of 1993. And they tried to figure out what to do with it, but apparently it has been since closed.

They put up a little. They closed it. Well, we'll find out. They closed the case. They put up this carve headstone. They wanted to put up a statue, but they said they didn't want to, right? They decided that that would be too much and they put up a statue. And then unfortunately, over the years, Gene, Gene deeply fell apart.

He died of, she started showing signs of Alzheimer's as soon after they found his dead. They think that they kind of thought that Andy had kind of kept them a little bit more coach and he had something to look for because he was working with Andy and he was in love with him. And unfortunately, they put up a little stone, this nice headstone, but they, they believe that the murderer has been caught. Okay. Now, Gene, of course, he has passed away in tooth.

He passed away in the year 2000 and this is according to the nursing home, Grand Island, Nebraska. They said he definitely did not get closure. That's according to a employee named Jessica. So he died. Not knowing. Not knowing. But they say for, they're working on a documentary, I believe currently they're still working

on a documentary about Andy the Goose. But apparently they said the perpetrator was found about two years after the murder, someone from the sheriff's department called and said, well, we found out who did it, but we can't tell you and we don't want to have any news release right up about it. What? We found out on the phone. We didn't know what to do. Finally, they donated the reward to the community, but they think that the department, he said,

had told them that Andy's killer was quote unquote, somebody that was not responsible, suggesting that they were someone maybe that was mentally handicapped or like, but what are, talk about the rage of that or something like so deeply, you know, who had put this on like somebody like Ezekiel Zias, who's so insane and the final thing that put him over the edge was a goose in shoes. I don't understand why anyone, no matter what their condition would kill a goose in shoes, I almost feel like, and I don't know, I mean, we know a lot of people of different mental faculties on all, you know, the whole spectrum.

We know everyone on all that spectrum in our families and dare I say our friend group. I don't think a goose in shoes should inspire anyone to kill. To me, a goose in shoes inspires an autograph. Shouldn't that just be your best friend? A goose in shoes, to me, is a sign that my life is going in the right direction. If I saw a goose in shoes, unless it turned to me and said, kill the president, I feel it would be different if it, because it's just going to go, huh, huh, huh. Yeah.

I made your noise. Yeah. So I feel like they're saying mentally disabled, but I think that this is just speculation. The documentary hasn't come out yet. I think it's probably a son of one of the cops and they want their kid to get away with it because I don't see a mentally disabled person killing a goose with shoes. I feel that. I just don't know.

I bet you this is somebody, maybe this is a very high level. Maybe it's the mayor. Oh my God. There is somebody high level. So you're saying that this is small town Illuminati style, massive cover up. This is the movie cop town, but it's with geese. And honestly, if you found out, if I found out a politician committed murder in the past, you know, let's say like Ted Kennedy, I say, okay, you can't be president, but you're still

a senator. That was a, that was like a whoopsie do, right? That was like, I'm too lazy and I don't care about this person. I'm just going to pretend like it never happened. But of course there were scratch marks on the ceiling of the car. So she was alive for a long time. Both politicians have blood on their hands anyway. That's what they love.

That's what they crave. They crave that power. That's what they got into the business to begin with. Then they get to meet Kevin Spacey. Isn't that exciting? No. And then you get implicated. If I find out that any politician, whether I supported them or not at the time, kills

a goose with shoes, I don't care if you kill a goose, but you're going to kill a goose with shoes and you know it belongs to this dude. He's a beloved member. He was on Johnny Carson. It was on Johnny Carson. It's a celebrity. You just killed a part of Johnny Carson. It's what you did.

He was between Martin Short and it was like another, and Isabella Rossolini. I cannot believe this. So Andy, the goose with shoes got to meet Isabella Rossolini, one of the most beautiful women on the face of the planet. And I'm sure he took one of his goose dumps, which comes out as green and ends up as white. They can't say for sure what happened with Andy the goose, but they do say, this is according to the police or this is according to the article speculating on what the police believe. They don't want to list the name because they don't want to give undue scrutiny to the person

who was disabled. But again, this woman is working on a documentary all about Andy's life. And this is what she had to say. She says, I'm not interested in the person's name anymore. I wouldn't want retribution against the person or their family. I just want to know why I just want to know why I just want to know why this becomes. He says, this is the villain's origin story. It really is.

If Gene had more life in him, and then he just slowly but surely became the goose man. Ooh, goose man. He just wants to put fear into the hearts of criminals everywhere, where he just dresses the goose with J's on. And then he's like super fucking violent. That'd be cool as hell. Where it's like, then what he does is like grots, villains and shit. But Andy wasn't violent.

No, Andy wasn't violent. Now Gene's got to get violent because Andy showed that once Andy died, it showed that no line can't be crossed. They killed John Wick's dog and he got to murder people for three straight movies. And I still agreed with every single kill. Five straight movies. There's five John Wick's. They're shooting two back to back right now.

There's to be five? I mean, I'm down with it. I just watched Bill and Ted's, the third one, it's good. It's just fine. It's fine. Does its job. It really does. All right.

So we have a little tale here and then we can get to a anti-hero of the week. We're actually doing an anti-hero of the week this week. Hmm. Isn't that interesting? Oh yeah. Because sometimes you don't get the hero that you want. You get the hero that you deserve. Absolutely.

But before that, this man blows up his house while trying to chase a fly around. He had one of those electronic fly killers, right? You've been asking me about getting one of these. I know. So is Eddie. Independently, you and Eddie have both brought up, get an electric fries water, but it feels like it's more of a stun baton that is very casual. Yes.

I agree. And you know, we would just end up pitting each other with it and then it would run out of batteries and we never put new batteries in. That's how those things work. As soon as a thing dies, I just let it collect dust outside Nepal. Absolutely. But this guy, I mean, he had just had enough. He was in his 80s.

These flies were buzzing around. You know, he's in his underwear. He's in France. Oh. You can see the gut. You can see the whole cheese. The wine drunk. And it's a type.

European underwear is different too. It's like long. They don't have old clothes underneath their clothes or it's very small or it's very small. They don't have the boxer brief. They either have the full on Long John or it is just you are looking at balls and I'll never forget being on the European beaches when I was seven years old. You could see those big old hairy nuts and I knew I wasn't a man yet. I'll tell you that much.

No, no, no. And you just kept pulling on your nuts and pulling on your nuts so they get big and long. And now look at you. They're definitely long. All right. So he picked up this electric flies water. He started targeting the fly, didn't realize a gas canister was leaking in his door and

he's from a place called Dorgonny. Dorgonny. Dorgonny. Dorgonny. Dorgonny. Dorgonny. I don't know. So a reaction between the device and the gas caused an explosion destroying the kitchen

and partly damaging the roof of his home. According to the local media, the unnamed man luckily escaped but he did get some burns and I just feel like this story is one of those where you don't expect your kitchen to explode when you're chasing, when you're chasing a fly with a fly swatter in your underwear, in your kitchen. But then sometimes doesn't your kitchen explode. Sometimes. That is why you have to be ready, prepared at all times to go to war.

We told me, you saw what I did the other day on the grill where I accidentally kept the grill, I accidentally kept the grill cover closed and it filled it with gas. I just forgot to start it on time and I just quit the igniter and I just, we all almost died. That was fun. Well, we had a chance. We're experimenting with Suburban Life now or the closest to it. And yeah, watching Henry Mana Grill that is physically twice your size.

I love it. It's amazing. I love being in charge of the flame. I watch all these chef's tables like now I'm, there's the new, have you seen chef's table? Do you watch any of those? I didn't see chef's table. I don't like to watch the chef's talk too much.

They're a little snooty-tooty, right? I like chef's table, but it's, it is a little snooty, but they have one guy who, in the new chef's table barbecue, which, ooh lord, ooh lord. There's sometimes there's food in there where I'm like, get me on a fucking plane right now. Oh yeah? I need to see this food. I need to eat this food.

That's crazy. I get aggressive. That sounds like it. But then this guy, his whole thing is that he's in Sydney. He runs a place called Firehouse that I wanted to go to, no, Fire Door. I wanted to go to this restaurant when we were in Sydney, but everything smoked and Natalie doesn't like it. I'm the only person who likes smoked meats, which is why I haven't purchased a smoker

because if I'm the- Well, she doesn't eat meat. No, at all. And she doesn't really like the smoking kind of flavors, and I love it, but if I bought a smoker and I just ate all of the smoked meats that I want, I literally would just brutally die. Smoking these meats, Mark Zuckerberg, never forget, the famous smoking these meats, two hours he pretended to have friends.

He pretended to, those guys though, they really stuck to it. And they made a lot of, whoo, yeah, Mark, man, Mark, we are friends, aren't we? Yeah, yeah. And he's like, stop getting close to me. But there's this one guy in the Fire Door, his whole, the whole thing is like, oh, they cook with open flame. That's all I want to do. I only believe in the marriage between the licking flimes, the licking flimes and martani

Australian fingers. And it's, every single thing he cooks is just with the giant bonfire. And it just gets to a point where like, that's got to be hot as fuck, even over the grill I'm doing stuff. Look at this engine. Look how hairy my wrists are. I know you could go up like a, like a cotton swab. I burn off the hairs of my wrists every single time I cook.

And I was like, this guy is just sticking his hands into flames and flipping potatoes with his fingers. And I was like, how did he get here? How did you get to this point? They're a different breed. They're a tough bunch. They are. But that was a little bit extreme or something like this.

Everything has to be cooked with what is happening in the hills above Los Angeles right now. You just start a forest fire just to make a grilled cheese. I don't know what's happening in California since I've got here. I slept through all the earthquakes, which has been nice, but these forest fires are really interesting. And then when you watch the local news, I did not quite realize how many police chases there really are.

That's the fun part about LA police chase is the funnest part. The I will say waking up to a hundred, waking up to 115 degrees and looking up at the sky and the sun is blood red. I definitely was like, what happened to Julie Roberts finally switched to television. Whoa. What is happening here? I love Julia Roberts. Don't bring that pretty woman down.

You're really slumming in on premium cable. Come on, Julia Roberts. You're a movie star. She is a movie star. And I wish we would go back to movie stars being movie stars and TV stars being TV stars. The fluidity between the careers, I think it's ruined the entire entertainment industry. There's no more prestige. There's no more prestige.

I want the prestige. I want mystique, you know, like us. So now let's listen into, let's listen to some listener emails. Oh, you don't want to do the here of the week. Oh, yes. Oh my God. Do it here all week. Wow.

I just skipped it. I didn't mean to skip it. So horny for listener emails. Anyway, we don't actually have a here of the week. We have an anti here of the week, but this man has been brought to my attention by numerous people. Ander Christensen. He went to a town hall meeting.

This was in Lincoln, Nebraska. So you know, there's not too much going on, but they probably have some serious gripes in Lincoln. I honestly bet you there's some real ass good food in Lincoln. I bet. There's a lot of things about Nebraska. I don't think we've ever been Travis told us we have been in Nebraska. We love it.

We love Nebraska. We love Nebraska. And we love going there. We love Omaha, where I stopped actually, I actually stopped in Omaha. I spent two days in Nebraska. You'd started this conversation about you don't remember any time in Nebraska because I had too much fun. I went to always big game bar in, in Paxton, Nebraska and Omaha.

Anyway, this is in Lincoln, Nebraska, Henry. Why am I sweating profusely? You are, honestly, you are sweating the hardest I've ever seen you sweat. I don't know. Are you nervous? No. Have you been insider trading like, are you like holding in some massive revelation? I think it's because we're doing an anti-hero of the week.

And this whole thing is really, I mean, this is hard for me. Andrew Christensen, he went to the city council meeting in Lincoln, Nebraska, and he was complaining about the name boneless chicken wings. He did point out that they are not made from the chicken wing. He says we can call them saucy nugs, which I do agree. He also says we could call them trash, which I think is a little bit mean spirited. It was because I like, I understand getting into the nonsense of saying boneless chicken wings.

But the problem is because that's what he very, he broke it down astutely because he did not like the idea that we don't know where the chicken meat is coming from. And he liked the fact that the chicken wing celebrates the meat because then you can see the bone. But the chicken wing itself, that's what put the chicken, the boneless chicken wing on the map. So I think if you lose sight of history, what is the future? So the boneless chicken wing, if it does not remember its humble roots of having bone in,

then it's just going to go off and become a nugget. So basically you're talking about that the boneless chicken wing had the lead in of the chicken wing. Without the chicken wing, the boneless chicken wing does not exist. So technically it's like the boneless chicken wing is, remember Dave's world? Of course I know Dave's world. But the chicken wing is home improvement. Sure.

Which I agree with. But the thing is sometimes I like a chicken tendy. No, but I don't call them chicken tenders, I get the boneless chicken wings. Our comedian friend Nick Turner said that he, oh, he was just like, oh, somebody likes little children when I order chicken tenders at a bar. Well, that is wide, but he makes a good point. And the only reason he's allowed to get away with that joke is because you called them chicken tenders.

If you said, oh, I'll have the boneless chicken wings, please, they're like, are you a senator? Like you just get treated with a amount of loyalty. But I like chicken nuggets. I prefer them to be called nuggets. Really? You don't take my knife and fork to nuggets. You take a fork to the boneless chicken wing. My chicken pronoun is nuggets.

But then, okay, but the chicken nugget, it means that it's dry. You wait a second. You eat a fucking chicken tender with a knife and a fork? I eat a boneless chicken wing with a fork. If they're horrible, you might have to cut it with a knife. No, you pick it up with your hands and eat it. Like, yeah, but yeah, but I still eat it like that. No, that's cause you're a fricking, wow.

What am I? What am I? You're an animal. I eat it with my hands and I eat it with my hands if I want to, but sometimes it is nice to have a toothpick. There's a place called, and this is free plug. That's a free ask plug. A toothpick is just a fork in this situation.

I mean, you can have a fork, but yes, you can eat nuggies. It depends on the size of it. It is a long form. Don't call him. No, no, no. If you were to do nuggies, please, what are you about to kill the damn goose? What's wrong with you? I'll kill a fucking, I'll kill a goose.

Boneless chicken wings. Wow. Am I? Now am I in office? Did I just win Congress? Am I in the House of Representatives? Is this one of the more serious conversations and serious arguments we've ever had? Because I come down to it.

This is the anti-hero of the week because I disagree with Andrew Christiansen, Mr. Swedish fellow from Sweden. Well I will say his, I don't appreciate him being antagonistic towards the chicken tenders because he doesn't understand that sometimes you're in a questionable bar. Sometimes you're in a place in the middle of this country and the only safe thing that looks safe to eat is the chicken tenders. Deep fried it? If it's deep fried, it's gotta be good.

Except I recently had some chicken tenders that were raw in the middle. What? Yeah, there was something wrong with it. They were cold in the middle. That's impossible. I just think that the whole fucking world's falling apart. Well, that's why you can't, you gotta get the boneless chicken wing. Don't get the tenders.

Those are on the kids' meal. Those are the kids' menu. The boneless chicken wing. At the same time, don't fucking make me a sex offender by making a kids' only menu. Sometimes there are things on the kids' menu which is exactly what I'm looking for, but I've never, I've never ordered it. You order the french fries and like the chicken nuggets? No, I mean, I don't like it as much.

I prefer chicken wing. You know what, now that we're doing outdoor seating, we'll move on from this conversation because it's gotten a little too heated and serious, but now that we're doing outdoor seating, I try to do the bone, I try to do the just regular chicken wing with the bone. But the way the sun hits the meat on the bone makes it very unappetizing. No, that's what you mean. I don't know why. I don't know why.

You see the glisten. And I was at a place that I'm going to here every now and again to watch my basketball games, and the sun hit the chicken wing just so I couldn't finish any more of them. What is this? It was a piece of fat that was just sort of like hovering above the bone and then I saw the bone. That's their fault. That's their fault.

That should be rendered. I just feel like I like chicken wings in a sports bar, you're not actually looking at the wing. This is what we've been saying. I miss the whole, I miss the entire ambiance of being in a bar. I don't, I never really liked beer gardens to begin with. I know that's controversial, but I've never really enjoyed a beer garden. I like being inside of a dive bar up against the, I like being at the bar, but this is

not the world we're in right now. I know. So we all have to adjust. Sometimes I'm just saying the way the sun hits a certain food really does change because you eat with your eyes first. It's true because otherwise how are you going to get the food in your hands unless you're blind. And sometimes you just kind of stick your hands in various baskets and you hope it's

your food. And you can get away with that. But I think if you're blind. Apparently, by the way, our friend, our friend Sonia was telling me that Ron Jeremy at the rainbow room. Yeah. They, you have to pass the bread to get to the bathroom. Never eat the bread apparently because he touched the bread.

I mean, now he's incarcerated. Oh my God. But apparently he used to touch the bread. Man, I hate the bread. I eat the bread at random. He used to touch the bread. That's all I know. Leave the bread alone.

If you can't trust bread, what can you trust? Absolutely nothing. But honestly, yes. And if you're blind, make sure your waiter puts the food in your hands. Absolutely. Check out Jody Aries, is my space page if you get a chance to. There's a lot of pictures of the inner life. Is this really her or is this a fan made?

I don't know. A fan made. I don't know what it is. Yeah. I mean, honestly, but there's a lot of pictures of her and Travis together that are wild. And she is an interesting incarcerated person that will hopefully never see the light of day. I think that she will, although, you know, like, dudes do run the whole thing and I could

see her just like, because I know she's having sex with a girl. I'm so sick of being inside. Can I just go inside for a minute? Because she's like, all right, Jody, a little minx. You can go out there and see. Just don't walk too far. Jody, where are you? Jody, where are you?

Oh, damn it. She's running. Oh. I don't know if she is up for parole anytime soon. Not anytime soon. She actually just got denied. Oh, no kidding. All right.

Here we go. Let me see. Do some. Okay. A few minutes ago, give or take, I worked in an older auto repair shop in a poorer corner of town. The area was sort of known for having a transient homeless population, but being within a few miles of a soup kitchen, a library, a hospital, a rehab facility, an airport, you're gonna

be in a city. Yeah, that's just a city. That's just being in a city. Okay, great. The building I worked in was a part of a six store family run operation and it was their oldest flagship store. Just your basic six bay auto repair shop built back in the fifties because of the age of the shop, there was a few stories connected to it that I thought I was told by the oldest

employees there. One of the oldest mechanics of my shop was aware of a few deaths associated with the place. Late one night, I was closing the shop alone and as we had closed the bay doors and began shutting lights off, I was rolling a few tires down the aisle, which has got to be fun. I guess so. You get there rolling back and forth at the fun times. That's a job though.

It's crossfit. It's a lot of work. Yeah. In the entire tracks, I saw an old man staring back at me maybe 10 feet away, perpendicular to where I was walking. He used pale, about five foot 10, gaunt face and sandy white hair. My first instinct was, oh, just that. Steve Martin.

Steve Martin, wow, with the arrow through his head and now he's telling people how to do comedy on the masterclass. In my peripheral, I swear he's glaring at me. I immediately jump, startled, and as soon as I turn to look, there's nobody there. The bay doors were already closed, so no one could have walked it from outside. An odd feature of this shop was its old shoddy wiring. The grounding was all starting to fail and the second to last bay door, an alignment rack, would actually give you a static shock if you hadn't touched it yet that day.

I'm just going to say that's the least shocking thing about the store. Yes. Yeah. The mechanic who had told me stories of this place owns a tri-field meter and when walking through the back, one back quarter of the shop, the ambient energy levels were off the charts. This must have energized the only bit of poltergeist activity I've ever seen. Myself and a co-worker were putting tires away in the back racks of the shop.

They were two levels and made out of steel racks, enough to hold about 400 tires on both floors. Okay. So I was working upstairs and he's downstairs shooting tires up to me. We've got an iPod dock, about 12 inches in diameter. This is fucking years old. Yes, it is. We're sitting on the flat sheet metal railing of the tire tracks.

We're blasted metal because that's what you do when you need to jam some work out. Of course. After maybe 20 minutes of work and there's a loud bang and the music stops. Now this is my brand new iPod in my buddy's new dock. So both of us were like, what the fuck dude? And you can imagine. So I walked on the stairs and he's looking at it. So the dock is sitting exactly where we left it, but the iPod is three feet behind it.

And it's playing nothing but you too. Oh no. Oh no, he's fucking my wife. Against the wall, within the connection from the dock, snapped clean from the circuit board sticking out of the bottom of the iPod. This thing was just snapped out of it. The only way this could have been possible were if the dock itself were to be held down and the iPod were almost punched straight out of the dock, hard enough to snap the circuit

board and fling the thing against the wall. It was fucking crazy, man. That's fucking, that's very, very, very, very strange. It sucks you have to stop the metal, you know, because metal is great. Move entire music. Metal is the way. I love that album. Now this is another letter.

This is more for Kissell. I want to let you guys know about the continued robot invasion that is plaguing our fine culture. Absolutely. I recently moved to Flagstaff, Arizona to attend Northern Arizona University. The move went smoothly, but my ass is built like Henry. So my grunder will never recover from the hours spent in the car. I digress.

When I got here, I don't think it was my height that affects my grundle. I think it's my shape. I think it's just, I have a big torso. Yeah, you just have nothing. I'm all torso. You've got no buffer. I think that the majority of my weight's in my torso, and I think that's a part of the reason why I have asshole trouble sometimes when I'm sitting for a long period of time

because so much of me, I'm like a snowman. Your butthole is right on the seat, yeah. When I got there, I found out that college is using these small rovers about the size of a large RC car to do food deliveries on campus. Students can order food from the restaurants on campus and have it delivered in one of these devil machines. But this is cool. To me, this is cool as hell.

Okay. But why isn't this devil machine constantly being tackled by a drunk Ben Kissel grabbing everything that's inside of it? I think we'll find out. That has got to be eventually. All the cameras in there. It starts with food delivery. This is exactly what you're, okay, I'm not even going to say that.

This is exactly what a mother does to start off the hellscape that will be your relationship with that mother. What do they do? They feed you. Okay. Now the robot is just like, you associate it with food and it's straight up gives you a positive vibe towards the robot. No, no, it has a gun.

You're like, that's okay. It's just food delivery. You got to watch out for these food scavengers, but it comes, you know, it's arresting you and there's no more food. Well, you're the food. I, again, I don't think robots should be cops. I think cops should just be a part of the robot team. I think that there is very, it's very possible to get one of these fat college students who

has no money because they have to pay 80 grand a year to go deliver the food for you. No, I, I don't want to see them, but I would prefer to see the robot. Now. Yes. But you're in college. You don't realize how gross college kids are yet because you're still in them. Because you're a college kid. You're a college kid.

Yeah, honestly, but this is cool as hell. They're all over campus. Right. You, they have a built-in compartment to the hold the food and can be only opened by the student ID. Yeah. Welcome to a hammer. Get until you get a frickin hammer.

We'll fucking find out. As long as, as I was riding, the people were like riding around on, on his, this person's or I was riding my bike everywhere and I usually go on a long bike rider on campus each, each evening. If I hit one of those with my bike, I'll be still pissed. All right. As I was riding, I came up on one of these tracked abominations to try to pass it on the left.

This motherfucker hooked the Larry and tried to drive right under my wheels. What? I'm guessing that doesn't recognize blind spots. Which might be true. Or maybe it did recognize a blind spot and tried to kill you and take you off the road. This is his theory. For this thing, I tried, tried to kill me. I formulated a theory.

It won't target walkers because I would obviously prove that it was malicious. But if a cyclist has a quote unquote accident, who can blame the robots? They know what they're doing. Yes, they do. This is all him. This is his evidence. Not mine. They also talk, which is horrifying.

Oh my God. They talk? It's fun though. Why is that fun? Here's the big kicker. The evidence. These things are called starship robots. Where are the stars?

The sky. What do ships have on them? Nets. Sky net. This is what he did. What was the name of that hero? We try not to name. Okay.

Well, I want to say whoever it is, that is, if you, I don't want to get you kicked out of college. God knows that. God knows I had enough friends who got kicked out of college. But guess what? College doesn't do anything for you. There's no jobs out there. Technically, we should all be learning some form of trade, including us.

You have to get one of those suits that it has mirrors on the outside. So technically you're invisible. But not to people walking down the street. It doesn't matter because it was about the robots and it's, it's just the robot. No one will, if you snitch on someone that just beat up a robot, you are, you are a trader to the human race. I don't believe that you should, I don't believe in snitching to begin with, but I also don't believe again, if humans can beat robots, that's why we deserve to win.

This is how we do it. So you wear your mirrored suit, the robot can't see you come in because it doesn't recognize you as a human. And all it takes is a good old couple of whaps with the hammer, something big, thick, a brick. Again, don't even steal the food. Deliver the food. Deliver the food to where it's going. It will be in the motherboards.

It'll be in the circuit boards. You won't know where it's going. I know. But that's why, well, I mean, who knows? But I think that deliver, I do believe that, I don't want to take jobs away from humans. But that's why humans need to pilot the robots. I don't think that they do. But it would be more fun to have a human riding the robot to supervise.

That would be fun. That's what they're going to do with Uber. But that's just called a car. Uber and Lyft are eventually going to have all automated driving and then have the, the someone like a conical pilot safeguarding the whole thing. I have a different feeling on Uber, for example, when it comes to, or when it comes to driving self-driving cars, I'm fine with it. I think that a self-driving car can be very beneficial and people were losing too many

people on the road. Especially if they do the thing where Elon Musk's stream or everything, the concept of doing a like locked railway system where essentially you drive onto your car, you drive it into the highway system where it locks into a magnet and then the automatic driving takes over. I know. And Elon Musk, sometimes I'm going to say this, it talks a little too much. He needs to finish one fucking thing. He just needs to finish something.

He's got the car in space playing some stupid ass song that's driving, doing whatever it is. Put it on earth so I can use it. Well, he said whoever colonizes Mars is going to die, but of course they were going to die. That's not new. The first group of people colonizing Mars, yes, it won't be, they call it a quote unquote suicide mission, but it's just that they won't be able to come back to earth.

I actually know someone. I interviewed him many years ago on Top Hat. They were trying to get that going for a while, that program, the suicide program. His wife said that she was going to do it, but they got two kids. And now she never went. So at some point the kids were going to be like, so you weren't going to be here. I was going to leave you forever and take any opportunity. I was going to go to where there are no things.

Nothing. Anyway, I hope the first people to colonize Mars have a great time up there. It's going to be, I'm sure it'll be something fun. I don't know. I don't have anything up there yet. We don't have a space station up there. We don't have nothing. We have nothing, but their goal is to terraform it, terraform it.

You go and you create a essentially fake atmosphere, an atmosphere for it so it could start living on its own as a planet. Cause they think that on some, at some point it had an atmosphere. Yeah. All right. We'll solve that on next week's episode. Yep. All right, everyone.

Thank you all so much for listening to this week's side stories. Hope you're doing okay out there. Keep on trucking along. Live every day. We won't get through it. Live every day like you're on vacation and you don't think anybody's in your home. Just live in there. No one's in there.

Honestly, most likely. Most likely they're not. Most likely. 98% of the time. 99.8%. I go almost to 98.9% of the time. There's nobody living inside of your home pissing and coming and shitting and planning on surgically altering you most of the time.

If you're on, if you're out right now, like maybe you're on a staycation in Airbnb, don't think about it right now, relax. Just live. Just live like that's not happening. It's not happening. Just love knowing for a fact that your home is safe. It is safe. And that there's no way, shape, or form.

Not like the stories that we read last week, but the current story that we're about to do this week on Last Podcast on the left. One of the more horrifying, heavy hitters that we have covered in a very long time. No, for a fact that every time you read one of the stories, you're not worried that you're in an Airbnb. Maybe you're isolated. Maybe you're out there in the middle of the forest or something. Loving your family.

Loving your family and loving the final moments before the strangers come in and terrorize you with their funny games. Nice thing is that all happened in the seventies and we're much safer today. I haven't seen it in almost a couple of weeks. A bunch of people haven't broken into someone's home and terrorized them endlessly. And big thing I remember is that if someone comes into your home to play funny games with you and your family, there's a bunch of captors laugh at the funny games and just keep rolling with it, being like, you guys are a couple of funny guys.

Actually, you know what? We got a kegerator. It's my one issue with that movie, Funny Games, both the remake and the original. I think there were just multiple opportunities. Not victim blaming, but there was multiple opportunities to end the game. It's a movie. Yeah, but they were just kind of like, oh, I guess. If they end the movie, then the movie would end.

All right. If they just stopped doing the things that are happening in the movie, then it's over. They got to get to an hour and 45 minutes, an hour and a half. I don't see a good money for this movie. I don't believe any movie should be longer than an hour and a half. All right, everyone. Thank you all so much for listening. Never forget.

Hail yourselves. Hail Satan. Magustalizations, everyone. Hail me. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.