Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Vultures

Episode Date: November 14, 2019

Ben 'n' Henry break down this week's true crime news: a Mormon massacre in Mexico, a man fends off intruder with a battle axe, and MORE.

There's no place to escape to this is the last time on the left side story Yeah Yo kissle what's up, honey dude you sound so cool now that you're in Pittsburgh girl a cooler guy You know how it is in Pittsburgh me and the RTS And the guy that called me a pussy Having a seven-pound dog on the street and I was wearing Natalie's winter hat because I lost my winter hat Apparently at this stage of my baldingness. I don't have enough of the fibrous hairs above Keep the skull warm. You know what? I'm gonna have to agree with the drive-by insulter. I get it

I get where I get where he's coming from. I'm a father. That's true of a seven-pound dog, which is cute Amen kids started seven pounds. That's true. They can we I wanted to take Molly's baby We were just recently in Marcus Parks's wedding. He did it. Yes. He did it now It's official is they are they are married But I really wanted to take Molly's baby and see how she weighed in comparison to Wendy Right. She didn't want me doing all that like acting like her child's like a cantaloupe or A bunch of veal right. No, I think that that makes a lot of sense Of course Molly Neffle from the great show page seven make sure you check out page seven whenever you have

Entertainment information needs welcome to side stories everyone. I am Ben guess well hanging out with Henry Zabrowski and Henry You alluded to it, but now we must say congratulations to Carolina and Marcus Parks They got married and it's unbelievable. It was a beautiful wedding. I It was really fun because I got to officiate the wedding and so I put a lot of work into Writing the actual ceremony. Yes, because I knew I couldn't disappoint Marcus Marcus Doesn't leave any Any sort of sweat on it on a table. Can I say that he puts it all in dance floor?

He puts it on the dance floor. Yep, and fucking preparation, right? So I wanted to create a hermetic Magic ceremony for them. So what I did was I read two books in the process of writing his notes Oh, my which was dumb. We do everything the hardest way possible. Yeah, but I sat and I cobbled together a ceremony from Alistair Crowley's Lieber 15 and the Gnostic mass and the mass from the Church of Satan I stole these things and what's best part is that none of his family is any clue because they did it in the hermetic Fashion of doing it within symbolism, but the one thing I did cut which was a big thing because I asked for their You know, I wanted them to give me their approval. Well, we were we were ahead with anything. Yeah

We were going over your notes. We were driving back. We weren't we weren't driving back We were sitting on a train coming back from Washington, DC going over some of your notes Also, thanks to everyone who came out to the death becomes us festival in Washington, DC for the live side story show That was a thrill and it was wonderful to see everyone But now you were talking to me about some of the lines that were in In your speech originally and then we had to remember that Marcus's family. They wear cowboy hats. They're real Texans They're great real Texans, but I do feel like a few of those lines would have gotten you beat up We know what was nice is to feather it in as you go

So there was one part that I decidedly cut which is an Alisha Crowley's wedding ceremony The bride is supposed to piss into a bowl. Oh my top She was a piss into a bowl and then beforehand. She's supposed to either her or a chosen Member of his groom's party. Okay, this is completely true is supposed to jerk the groom off to Cumultation right until he spurts it to a little cup and then you go and take a little bit of his jazzym and Hopefully some menstrual blood from the bride and you mix together with what we have described before is these things called either Angel cakes or these things that are like little discs mixed with flour and come in blood and And you use that and you're supposed to eat and drink of the piss during the ceremony

I'm pretty sure I decided to yeah, I decided to cut all that because this wedding wasn't in France, right? Yeah, that's a good point. I'm pretty sure that's what having Clark does for every single meal That's very interesting. So you decide your own food. You decided to cut that part out I mean, honestly, it would have made for a very interesting ceremony I'm not sure who Marcus would have appointed to jerk him off though because he's two of his groomsmen were his brothers So they're out because this is not a porn hub world So it would be me or Colin and Colin is one of his taller friends as well I'm the tallest friend Collins the second tallest friend Collins a big union guy, which is great

He reads a lot of books. He's got kind of grippy kind of well He's got he's got I say this got working man hands If he is a union guy, he might be super into jumping in and taking care of it because technically It's like we're all union members at that point if you're part of the groomsmen's party Sure, you're one giant company in a way, but I because I don't know and I'm not insulting you kissle No, but I don't know if you could make Marcus come. I I don't think that I could I don't know I have big Paw hands that are full of you know a series of fat. It's got it's got it's soft. So maybe he could close his eyes and pretend

It was just a really bizarre Vagina, I don't know. Yeah, I mean I feel like it could feel like two especially large butt cheeks wrapped around his penis But like without the whole part of it. Yeah, I could see that or a bunch of ham But also, I know because of the meds the Marcus is on that sometimes it takes him a long time Yeah, well, hey, that's the story of the entire podcast and you are not a patient person No, I am so I think you'd start chucking him You start jerking him off and jerking off and jerking off and then he's just like when he's not shooting and you're like

What am I fucking doing wrong right? So like you're not gonna come for me, right? And then Marcus is gonna have to describe. It's not just you It's even also with my beautiful bride. Yeah, you know, you mean well that is with the drugs that I'm on Yeah, I guess it was better to cut it from the ceremony. That's what I guess, you know That was a smart move now that we really think about it. I'm very good at reading a room. Yeah I'm very good at it And so I know that yes, maybe one in five of the people in the room would love to have watched Carolina P into a bowl But again, they are also allowed not allowed to say it out loud. Well now that that's Marcus his wife

Now it is it's my wife. That's my wife in there You can't say anything about it. Well, you know, we can talk a lot about what's been going on in the world though Because this is side stories as I said earlier and that's what we do. We edutain. So yes, congratulations Marcus Congratulations, Carolina. They're gonna have a beautiful child They're doing it and it's gonna be the first last possible to be the first Well, actually the third because Molly has to yes, so it'll be not that special It's well, it is still special to be Marcus isn't Carolina's first So that'll be very special. But if they have this kid

I mean, it better be attractive because life really is difficult when you start off ugly, you know, you and I both know What happens is you have to develop a scale Which is hard one and you got to get out there and you got to develop a scale or you end up Bucca Bucca Bucca Bucca Bucca, you don't like lighten up a couple auditoriums or lighten up a university or lighten up your office Only simply because you couldn't figure out your hook. Yeah, that's true You got to figure it out because the world ain't gonna figure it out for you and it just Gets harder and harder every single day. All right, here we go. But we have let's talk Henry It's not necessarily true not necessarily what do you want to start with you want to start with this Mormon story because this

Mormon story is like, what are you thinking? So this is the story of a the brutal killing of three American women and six children in a caravan of SUVs that were going from one Mormon on Clave to another Down in the in northern Mexico. Yeah, which is right now in the middle of a massive war Or between the cartels and everyone there the Mormons now kind of become found themselves in the middle of it Or did they put themselves in the middle of it? So I think a lot of people as soon as they heard this story

They're like, what are all these Mormons doing in northern Mexico? I've never heard of Mormons in northern Mexico. It was just it was the farthest thing from my mind But evidently when they when they broke up a lot of them were like we're going to Mexico and then that's where all the trouble started when the schism happened When Utah decided to finally name Polygamy to be illegal and right and that kind of that moved the LDS into the two sections between the LDS and the FLDS a Chunk of them the LaBaron family in particular moved to Mexico and started a family and started many Go gigantic polygamous movement there. They please want to say there's anywhere between a thousand to five thousand

Mormons living scattered throughout northern Mexico in these giant communities. Okay now It seems to be now I'm just gonna kind of brush the surface of this because it's a little bit more complicated The Daily Beast has a good article on it and so does the Washington Post kind of breaking down the fact that It seems they these groups of families. They were murdered by an organized crime group called Los Juagares Oh, the groups leader Arvis who L wagg L Jaguar or L Jaguar Marquez He ordered the hit apparently so this is the official line Okay mistakenly thought that the Mormon caravan was a caravan from another opposing cartel

Yes, that's one of the things that they're saying because they drove in the black SUVs very similar to what the with the warring cartel would drive in yes No, don't you think don't you guys Henry? Don't you think that is one of those things though? You know for a fact you're in cartel country. There's movies about it and television shows They don't watch them, but that's why they don't watch it. They should know Why would you drive in the same? SUV as you know for a fact the cartels use because you know Henry here in New York City You don't you know what you don't see yellow cars because everyone thinks oh, that's a taxi. That's not a car even if Yeah, he throws a milkshake

It's your fucking driver's he wouldn't because he thinks you're fucking driving a cab and he's got a vented against all cab drivers Why not so why would they choose to drive in the black SUVs four-wheel drive also could have been one great dealer All it takes is one great dealer to move these SUVs to everybody because the whole thing is like I do not serve any side. Everyone should have a comfortable SUV. That's true But El Hwaguar's outfit. It is a splinter cell of the Sinaloa cartel formerly run by Joaquin L. Chapo Goosebo, which is now I guess run by former Lieutenant Ismael El Mayo Zambada, which is fun So it's run by Ed Larson the Mexican version of Ed Larson I love it Ed Larson from brighter side check out the show

Got your fucking ass, but the problem is that he has been listed as the guy that is a part of the El Hwaguaris Hwaguar Marquez he is characterized in a news report in news reports as an alcoholic Cuckold so there's a lot of people that believe that there's massive fighting between the inside saying that El Hwaguaris are Basically kind of gone rogue and they are kind of super undisciplined, which is why something like this happened Well, I suppose when your leader is an alcoholic cuckold That might not be the best when it comes to organization when it comes to making sure that people stay in line because they can just be like Yo Jaguar, I'm just gonna call the guy Jaguar I just had sex with your wife in front of you yesterday, and now you're gonna be like a really irresponsible

Can you imagine? Irresponsible it is to be the leader of a cartel and then your wife has cuckolded you wow What it can you do because then you appear to be weak Yeah So what happened is that what they're saying is the breakdown here is that there are two groups that are fighting around the town of Agua Prieta and that they apparently they made the whole El Hwaguaris pull up this big announcement Seeing anybody who's traveling between these points is subject to inspection and probably gonna be murdered Okay, yeah, so there's discrepancies in the official reports apparently. There's two different attacks, right?

It was when at 940 a.m.. And 1 and 11 a.m.. And also apparently one of the Witnesses, which was a little kid that escaped from one of the SUVs came forward and said that one of the women inside of the SUVs Stepped out and said hey, we are actually Just traveling with women and children here and one of the members of the cartel walked up to her and shot her point blank of the face Jesus, but what seems like is that there is a massive Water battle like the Lebaron community has grown Significantly larger while the cartels have kind of come up against them now the the Lebaron community. I'd say Against most human beings advice had become a little bit of a whistleblower community against the cartels activity to the Mexican and US

Government and that's them and that's the Mormon community. The Lebaron community is in that's the that's Mormon town That's Mormon town. Okay, they are trying to like basically tattle on the cartels Oh, which made so the first time they did it the cartel showed up and said hey, they gave him a warning Okay, don't do this anymore. That's what we have to do. That's what we have to do when it comes to someone being perhaps on acid at a live Show you get one warning and then you gotta go because you're seeing us as like alien figures But then they kidnap the head and the like vice president the co-head of the Lebaron community and beat him and tortured him to death and left Them on the front's porches, right? So then they kept being whistleblowers, which is that was one part of it But the other part of it is that they the so this is where the Lebaron's got their white hat on

Well, the barons kind of have their black hat on is that the Lebaron families are also up against that the pharma collective That's called El Bar son now El Bar son is just a that is a normal farming community That is also tangentially connected to the cartels. Okay, it seems like they have been playing the I drink your milkshake game With the El El Bar son the the the Lebaron's they are taking Water from these farming communities in order to grow a bunch of shit that don't normally grow in the desert They're growing like walnut trees and they're doing all this shit because they're a big thing that they're their major export is very like honey and Walnut oil This is the stuff that they make on the in the communities in order to sell and make money and I'm sure the Mormons make great walnut oil

I'm sure that's incredible walnut oil, but it seems like they are really messing with two powerful forces You got your farmers who are gonna be pissed off you taking the water and then you know the cartels I don't think we're speaking out of turn here when we say they do some bad stuff. What? Yeah, they do some No, I know I know if you're listening cartels. Thank you for the your bravery Your bravery in Mexico, but the one thing you should not do is go into their area Northern Mexico and then start snitching on them. I'm not blaming the Mormon family Obviously, it was horrible what happened to them, but it just seems like sometimes You got to assimilate to the culture and in this case the culture is cartel land and you're just gonna want to sort of like

I don't know not Step out of line because they'll kill you. They essentially grew up together That is what that's what you're seeing here is that they've been there since the 1860s the Mormons Hmm, so it's weird is that the cartels and them just kind of naturally have grown to a point where one of them's got to go and Don't think I'm gonna say this I don't think that the Mormons are gonna be able to outgun the cartels now feel like there is a discrepancy of power here

And I think the cartels might have the upper hand because they did have there's a whole story here about members of the Liberian community they a bunch of farmers came to attack them because of their Dropping illegal wells on the property that's not theirs to steal their water and they shot at them with a bunch of rifles Geez, all right. They have old timey rifles The cartels are killing them with the AR-15s. Yeah, they have rocket launchers Yeah, the cartels, you know machete was sort of a documentary when it comes to how much weapons the cartels have I think that you're right I think the Mormons are gonna be slightly outgunned and again this massacre was three mothers and six children

Good Lord the cartels they don't mess around so now no because Everyone seems to be upset with the Mormons, which is the story of the Mormons lives basically. Yes Yes, people are like we're out of here So at this point around 150 people have left the village that rep that represents about 60% of local residents So it seems like once again a tale as old as time the Mormons are back on the run Hey, man They and they don't move fast because it's all by cart

Yeah, it's hard or black SUV, which I don't think they should be driving anymore man, if they just flip it to a nice like You know a green don't go great UV sure Anything other than what looks like a cartel member is driving because then you are going to be killed We were looking at those RAV fours Is that right? Yeah, that's what you got to get out there is a couple of sensible hybrid RAV four I agree, and that's good to go hybrid because we've got to get off the fossil fuel

Gotta get off the fossil fuel. We have a fossil fuel addiction So this is a quote. This is a quote from Taylor Langford. He is a relative of one of the victims. He says it's devastating It's a horrible feeling that our life's work our life savings can be taken from us like that He goes on to say a lot of us are a lot of us are at the point where we'll leave it We'll abandon it for all of the safety of all of our families So it looks like the Mexican cartels they sent a message and that message was heard loud and clear and these cartels again six kids and

three mothers women sisters daughters three women were murdered I guess just honestly you can you know the Mormons Maybe do you think it was a cock old situation with Jaguar? Do you think he was going over there messing with some of those watching sister wives? Maybe he maybe he watched sister wives and was like this is the single greatest thing of all time Maybe I'm gonna go over there and try to cuckold some of these Mormons or be like it would be better if he just wouldn't join them

Yeah, also this yeah, because then he's like then my wife cannot be belonged to anybody else because Spiritually if I marry her she belongs to me for all eternity on colob. Yeah, okay. Well, there it is be careful out there in northern Mexico That's the lesson on this week's side stories. I think about it all the time just how careful you got to be in northern Mexico Yeah, buddy. I mean I that's why I mean we have yet to visit No, we will one day one day and I hope to entertain the cartels with some of my finest songs and dances And I'll wear a little gestures cap. Yeah, just just to see what it's like just to get on the inside We can bring the mariachi band that performed at Marcus's wedding, which was an amazing mariachi band He should have seen Marcus dance. Oh, he danced watch him dance to that hat dance music

If no one ever looked more comfortable, he loves it. He did he really does well Henry Do you want to tell this story because this story makes me think of you and I don't know why it's the reenactor? We have the same face and when I shave my beard Russia's this is according to the Washington Post by Will Englund Russia's greatest Napoleonic reenactor was found drunk in a river With the severed arms of his lover in his backpack. Okay, could we say this though? Is it fair to say it's not his lover at this point when you have someone severed arms in a backpack as you're drunkenly swimming through a River can you just say it's maybe his enemy at this point or like lover makes it seem like he was just like I love you once and I cut your arm up. I love you twice. I doesn't really I don't know explain

Unfortunately I think it's somebody's lovers that it's always a lover that ends up armless in the river and the arms of the backpack It's like it's because you can only love someone so much that you do that to them Then you have to cut off their arms. Yeah, I mean just because you love them. So goddamn much Jays so Sunday was have been a day when Oleg Sokolov and full Napoleonic costume would take it would take his life in Spectacular fashion at St. Petersburg at St. Petersburg's Peter and Paul fortress because so he did these massive reenactments And it showed that he is a very important historian in Russia and he is the number one the number one Napoleon expert in the country this guy. He's also like he's a he's a assistant history professor

Like he is not just He's not just a reenactor. He's like a reliver of of history You can tell he's the type of guy that identifies with Napoleon a great deal, which I mean I understand I understand we're all yes We may be short of stature, but you're wise of sight sure just because yes You can't see over the shoulders of some men, but using the stool of experience. I can see past any horizon Right, but this dude he flipped out instead. They found him in the Moica River or the Moica River He was hammered and he had a backpack with his girlfriend's arms in it for his 24 years old

He's 63 years old. So first of all nice. I don't know if that's not nice. He's that was it's his student He's a he was the assistant professor, and it's one of his students arms I don't think that he that student got an upgrade to girlfriend. Oh my She was hanging out in the house and apparently over an argument about his kids that are older than her She got there's something happen. He criticized the kids because he's a widower. All right So first of all, he's a widower. So let's feel bad for him I don't want to feel bad for him because he's a little bird his girlfriend. No, it is bad It's very very bad, but then he shot her four times with a shot-off shotgun when she called it a horrible accident

Which seems like it's not it seems like it's that's that's not really I mean one time One times an accident four times is a hobby That's that I mean yeah when when Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face and he had all the pellets Oh, that was a wish fulfillment That was different when he shot his friend in the face with a shotgun He took that its finger would been waiting to do since he was 12 years old Yeah, absolutely, and that's one of those funny stories where Dick Cheney is such a maniacal maniac His friend came on camera and asked for forgiveness from Dick Cheney for getting shot in the face by Dick Cheney

No, wait until one of us accidentally shoots the other like we're gonna have to do the same thing like we're gonna have to go into therapy It's gonna be very it's gonna be quote-unquote innocent some BL's will be involved We will be obviously some of a listener will hopefully take us out on some hunting expedition Where are you for you lose your neon parka in the woods? I shoot you thinking it's the first-ever man dear. Oh Well anyway, that'll be that will be a fun experience. I'm very excited for that For our some kind of monster Documentary series whenever one realizes that we're just weak old men now that have become so soft We need therapy. I'm not the therapy is bad, but the thank you for the back pedal. No problem

It's a 24-year-old Anastasia Yashenko. Anyway, I just want to say her name because she's the victim Anastasia Yashenko 24 years old so apparently they got into an argument He shot her four times with a shotgun took the body put it in another room and then he had a party in The main living room like he had he was throwing a big, you know, I guess a celebration So I guess it was a hat party because he was gonna dress up as Napoleon for the next fucking day But then he went to realize he had to get rid of this body. So yeah, he took a knack And started to dismember her He chopped off her head and chopped off her arms

But apparently in the process that he felt like it was pretty gnarly So he got pretty fucking hammered and then either an attempting using the arms in a backpack He shoved him in the backpack, which is again like I don't know man. It's not a it's not subtle No, it's definitely not but this guy was such a history nerd that evidently the way that he did it with the axe It was a paralleled Fidor Dosevsky's novel Crime and Punishment Yes, he's what is it? Dostoevsky Dostoevsky, so it was like from a novel That's how he did it with an axe and people also compare it to the 1916 assassination of the mad monk

Gregori Rasputin he was such a such a history nerd even in Committing the worst thing a person can commit which is mass murder which is murder and dismemberment He still did it with cosplay in his heart. He had cited sources In the middle of murdering his girlfriend and what apparently so he threw the bag with the arms that into the river And then they believe that he either jumped in to try to smush it down because it wouldn't sink right or he fell in The river and was literally going Like that's how they found him is that he grabbed onto the side of a water tax He got and they had to pull him up in there and he's just like I did a bad thing my friend

And they he completely confessed and they found her decapitated body with the head Inside of the apartment. Just they're all bleeding out. This is not his first brush with the law Apparently no apparently in Russia. Yeah, I'm not gonna say it's a corrupt country. Oh, there's a lot going on Yeah, there's a lot going on in Russia. That's one way to put it. Sure. I mean they got a lot of focuses They're barely even running their country the trend to run ours I guess who cares let them have it let them have America. I don't even give a shit So in 2008 apparently a student that he also was dating he He did a little thing where he tied her to a chair and threatened a disfigurer with a hot iron

Police didn't do anything on the complaint because I guess he's a history professor and that the way tenure works over there It not only keeps you from getting fired But it also sort of keeps you from getting arrested as a matter of fact not only did the police not do anything a domestic violence is not taken seriously whatsoever in Russia and in 2017 they passed a law that softened penalties for first offenses So in in Mother Russia the it's not good to me a mother because evidently domestic violence isn't counted on like the list of bad things and Then as a matter of fact in 2017, they're like we got to go easier on these people who just beat up their spouses They've had it hard for too long

Let them get a couple of shots and get it out. Oh, no, and then also Sokolov He had been embroiled in a bitter plagiarism controversy Last year and a guy you can figure accused him of ripping off his paper at a public Public speech like he was doing some presentation and in response to the accusations Sokolov jumped off the stage and started strangling the dude I Has a problem Napoleon Russia he is like but Napoleon Napoleon, but at least Napoleon was like winning wars and doing things

Heroic we got out because apparently he called her his whole thing is that he called her What's its putts he called her Isabella? I believe which is the name he nick he called her Isabelle after one of the Bonaparts, which was one of Napoleon's most beloved I believe that he died with Isabelle's name while in exile like on his lips And this man insisted that she call him sire. I know I look I'm looking at a picture of this guy He's not a site. No, he doesn't deserve that also according to humans rights watch. I actually didn't realize this But one in five only in 2011 they found that one in five Russian women have reported being the targets of domestic violence But the group says the rights group says that's a human rights watch

They say 70% of women just don't report it if they are in a situation of domestic violence because again They just softened the law on the regressor. So I guess it's already a problem there in Mother Russia It's already hard to come out as a victim of abuse because again You have to be believed as a victim and then also you have to deal with it's just so much horseshit Yeah, it's piled on top of you already being abused especially in a place like Russia where they Particularly don't give a shit. Yep. As a matter of fact, it's it's legislated that they don't give shit You see that fish with a human face. What's that? You see that fish with a human face I did see that fish with a human face. That was creepy. I don't know what's going on over there

That's also like they see you know the road rage videos are amazing They have like weird animals in all those uninhabited woods of theirs Russia's nuts I would actually love to go and just see the depression. I I I want to go to Russia. Honestly, very badly. I'd love to see it I'd love to see what they could offer me for help and destabilizing our government I'll take it like I'll take the money. I honestly I don't think it's that precious. I don't think any Single government is that precious? So I would definitely come in to just I just want to see what I can get out of it If we could get a late-night hosting job on Russian television, okay?

I mean honestly, I think we would have to speak Russian. Oh Oh, I will fake it. Yeah, how can you make it like you just fucking go It's gonna be good. It's gonna go and they'll put the subtitles in telling the country that we're saying things that are real Yeah, like pro-Putin things. Yeah, so anyway Sometimes be careful with your cosplay Because sometimes you take it a little too far and you have to remember you're not iron man You're not really a billionaire So if you actually do something that hurts someone you don't got the money to defend yourself like Tony Stark does

You don't but I will say Kurt Vonnegut put it correctly with the be careful who you pretend to be because you are we are Who we pretend to be? Oh Kurt Vonnegut. He's so brilliant. He's so small. Oh my god, Henry This is the best first date ever. I can't believe you brought up Vonnegut. I love you. I bet you can't jay me off tonight You big beautiful woman Alright, well, let's move on now this story. I this is more of a critique of media I do not understand why every single headline about this man's death has to involve What happened post-mortem? So this is from this is a local Fox 8 Cleveland article

But there's a bunch of articles and the majority mentioned vultures. This is the way the article is written Decomposed body of Seinfeld actor Charles Levin was found partially eaten by vultures Why include why why bother why bother with like if you're the family member of this man Like you're like thank you for the graphic information right up top at least as an actor He they put the credits first. That's good. That's nice. So right Seinfeld actor eaten by vultures is incredible Yeah, because unfortunately, it just makes me think of Jason Alexander and being nothing but bones Which is that's what's sad about this article is that they put Seinfeld in there And I'm not even thinking to him you see Seinfeld first thing it pops up in my mind

Jason Alexander because George could stands is obviously my spiritual favorite really and I cuts to a clip of Kramer saying and words screaming that that video. That's the next level of it. Then I think of Jerry Seinfeld In the fancy cars with his stupid ass show comedians of cars getting coffee him talking other rich people and he can't understand how what normal people do anymore Right, right, and then I think of Elaine Bennett. I honestly I I'm thinking if I have to say who my spirit animal is It's a combination of Elaine and Kramer. I like I like Elaine because she's spunky. She's fun, but she also has a lot going on intelligently Do you really see yourself as the word do you really see yourself as the word spunky? I'm spunk out

You get out by by having spunk. No opposite. It's the opposite I say gout is I would say is almost the medicinal lack of spunk. No, no, no, no, that's not true. It's the king's disease No, because in what do you ever see King Ralph? He had spunk. That's John Spunk spunk to me is like I don't know. It's technically closer to a Zoe Deschanel's closer to a adorkable. Hmm. I would never call you a dorkable. I'd call you a drunkable You know what I'm at the casino that's spunk Oh Oh, you're just sitting in a pile of it. Yeah, indeed. Well, anyway, and then I'm wacky like Kramer

You don't think I'm a laying in Kramer. You don't think that I would never call you spunky or wacky You were not smoky or wacky. You're not Dave Coulier. I'm not in that world. I am the wackiest guy, you know No, you're technically somewhere between and I don't mean to say this harshly But smog the dragon from the hobbit and Wilson from home improvement I'd put you in that category. Wow. Wow. Well, anyway, Seinfeld actor Charles Levin. He's dead And uh, so how did it happen? I know a lot of and if you don't recognize the name You'll recognize the face do a google image search You'll find yourself a little Charles Levin

And uh, so he's 70 years old his car broke down. He was moving from one apartment to another apartment in Oregon Or maybe house. I'm not sure how well he was doing car broke down He went to get some help fell down a hill Long story short, then he's eaten by vultures Jesus Christ and his dog was in the back of the car And the dog's name. What was the dog's name? Boo-boo bear The dog's name was boo-boo bear and it was a pug and he's dead too. This story sucks

He was he did a lot of he played a lot of tv host tv reporter. Yep Um, Levin was known for playing the maul hole on the brist episode of Seinfeld Ah Okay, and he also played coco the gay cook on the pilot of the golden girls. Oh, there it is cut the part Well, uh authorities say he got that sad. That's the life of an actor Um, this is brutal the number one thing that comes up when you google his name is Charles Levin picked apart by vultures. I know that's the main credit now Apparently authorities believe he got lost on his way on his way to his new home. And this is a quote

Accidentally succumbed to the elements. I don't know if it's on accident. He just succumbed to the elements He just succumbed to nature. But I guess it wasn't a purpose I would say it is it is technically accidental. It's not like the it's not like liette keens In the dune books who was just murdered by the desert. They just left him out there to show How how yes, you may think you have the arrogant belief that you have control over the planet But actually in the end the planet is just giving you permission to live there I cannot believe you think I'm like mr. Wilson from Dennis the menace No, no, no, no Wilson from home improvement from tool time

But you don't even see his face time is the But I mean but technically he's filled with wisdom And he's a big guy. He could see over the fence. Okay. All right. All right. All right. I could see over the fence I just feel like I'm a little wackier than that. I'm a little wacky I Wacky is is something else. What wacky is another type of x-factor. You have to be more cartoony Wacky the closest people that I think the only closest people that I know to us do wacky What I would say maybe as holds of mcnealy, but he also edges towards

squiggly evil Cruel and wet So he but he is still closest to wacky. All right. Well, let's do hero of the week. Shall we do that, Henry? Sure. I mean unless you want to unless you want to talk about the woman who got sprayed with a bucket of hot diarrhea But I think that's the entire story. Oh my goodness. Well, what okay, so Okay, well you mentioned it. So before we get to hero of the week, there's a local news program in Los Angeles highlighting all of the

Crimes that the homeless population are committing on people who are trying to go about their daily lives and one of these crimes was a woman Was pulled from her car right in the middle of the street she was Barking and doing something and then a homeless man pulled her to the middle of the street then poured a bucket of hot diarrhea all over her Which is also like that's a lot of forethought It is a lot and also it must have been freshly made if it was still hot And which is again, and if you're from Los Angeles, you really appreciate the locally sourced diarrhea

That it wasn't sent in from a migrant family. It wasn't Trucked in from china right made in the streets of la right which is important micro brood in the belly of a homeless man Oh ready to be but that's really the entire story That's it. That's the whole story. I don't think that I mean I'm not saying she deserved it But in the end it just comes down to it. I I'll say this as a citizen of Los Angeles And this is unfair All right, maybe this is more of a satanist view But I am glad that in this case

It was done to someone else because it is cut down on the percentages that it will be done to me That is yeah, that is very that's very uh A libertarian of you. You're thinking about yourself first Okay, no, it was it was traumatizing that poor woman. I can't even imagine what it's like to just You wake up and then you're like, ah today's a day It's not perfect. It's just a day going about your business And then at some point a bucket of diarrhea gets dumped on your head It's just got to be I don't even know if I would be angry. I would just begin such shock

Well, I would just that's life. That's what I would say That's what the people say Like I uh, you know again, it's it's there's a little micro lesson in there, right? What what is the micro lesson stay in the present? Enjoy the present because you don't know what your future holds for you Yeah, you don't know when a homeless man is going to dump a bucket of diarrhea on your head But also fight to the fight Fight them don't get into the supplicant position. I'm again. I'm not blaming the woman

No, I don't think that she even knew that they are but it's hard to fight someone when you don't know that you're about to be in a poo poo battle You don't think it's gonna happen to you And then when it does happen to you, it's too late when you got the poo It misses that house and it misses that house and it comes right after you that's from twister Ah interesting in this case a poo poo nato. All right. Well, let's go on Let's go on to hero of the week So this one now this is a story that I know Henry If he could switch places to with one person this week

It might be this week's hero michigan. I'll be bradley cooper with bradley cooper Yeah, just to try just to check it out. You'll never just be able to slap some base with jeremy renner at his top of the line Recording studio at the hawkeye mansion. Was it black hawk? What's his name hawkeye? Hawkeye. Yeah He's one of the worst superheroes because all he does is like uh, he's he's good with the bow. He's like jason vorhees He's the he's the one that's in the closet I don't even I think he might just be openly gay. I'm not quite sure. No. Well, jeremy renner is on is on the down low But he he sucks the dick so so many bass players in there playing the bass in there And he gets to watch it and he goes like sweet riff jazz because he calls his friends jazz jazz one through seven

Really each one of them gets a turn. He's like you guys want a renner and they're like, what's that mean? He's like, I put peanut butter in the back of your balls. That's your fucking asshole and I I look at clean It's like it's an ice cream scoop. Well, like oh, that's great. That is a super food peanut butter is a super food full of protein Uh, by the way, we learned this in washington dc as well. I talked about this on ablingons top at mike penns His boyfriend works at the state department Do you think that he's got a regular or it's not just like a bunch of like a harem of boys that are immediately Folded into hollywood. I think that he's got a regular. I mean, he is still a conservative I think he's just got one on the dl

Hanging out got him a job at the state department. He probably hangs out with lindsay grams boy And I don't know they just go have a lot of fun hanging out talking about Honestly, when you're with mike penns when he gets to be gay. I imagine he's a blast. Maybe I bet he flips. I bet he is like wearing like clogs And he's wearing like a syrappy like it's like one of those like a sun hat like kind of like nathan lane in Uh in the bird cage. I don't know. I could also see mike penns going. We'll get to the hero in a second I could see mike penns going totally the opposite direction Full on violent btk meets the dad from uh children under the stairs or people under the stairs

Full gimp suit whips chains and like the safe word you have to say it 30 times and then finally he'll stop He's definitely has like a spanking thing because he's definitely constantly punishing himself for being gay under the eyes of his fake He calls his wife mommy Okay, michigan man fends off intruder with what with a battle axe All right, evidently there was blood everywhere the guy's name is ben ball And he he used a replica battle axe to chop through an intruder that intruder was a 33 year old named alex laval rolls Who is facing a first degree home invasion? So ball he has been wanting to do this for a long time. He's like come into my place

I dare you to come into my place. He's got this replica battle axe that he calls quote his baby And he used it. So I don't know if he sleeps with it feeds it out of his nipple. I have no idea But he used it at 11 30 p.m This dude rolls he showed up at his apartment thinking no one was there and all of a sudden he was repeating So he repeatedly knocked on the door. He said the door opened and this is what ball This is what ball told wood tv. It's literally wood tv He says the door opened. I grabbed the axe then step step hit. He just got so into it He was so happy to do this

It's important to practice Your self protection modes inside of your home kenny choy the actor I did with wolf wall street incredibly fucking talented dude He explained to me that he run drills with this taser that he had in his nightstand where he'd run drills Or so he knows no matter how drunk he gets or whatever happens in the middle of the night If he's stabbed awake his body moves into muscle memory grabs taser Jip zip zip zip Immediately very strong got a very strong and this guy ben ball the picture of him. Did you see the picture of him, Henry? Yes, he is so classic. This is definitely a man who has a battle axe. He's got a long beard

He's he's got a goofy little hat on he is This is why everyone's like oh nerd. You're a nerd. You like you like medieval stuff Do not mess with people who are fascinated by the medieval time period because obviously they love Everything that is wrong with humanity. Everything looks like people getting tortured people getting that's when every invention Just involved how to better kill someone. He looks like a steampunk waiter Would you get I think that's a great idea Yes, so immediately the door opens Uh

Ben ball he struck the intruder at least once in the torso with the sharp blade Before the two continued to fight in the apartment according to ball There was there was a there was a bloody mess everywhere The suspect fled the violent affair leaving a trail of blood. That's when the canine officers That's what the canine officers those little doggos. That's how they were able to find him He spent the night in the hospital recovering ball says he sometimes He sometimes participates in events when he's not working and I don't know if you knew this Henry When he's not working at at at applebees

So ben ball literally is a steampunk waiter He works at applebees And then he does fake combat and in this case it turned into real combat. This is what dude This is what ball had to say. He said I've got a double-headed carbon steel battle axe that was homemade by a gentleman Who has since passed? That's why I call that's what I call my baby So don't mess with your waiter at applebees because you never know good work to this nerd getting out there showing that our nerd behaviors can branch out into real life actual skills

It shows it all of the training that he put in that's technically training Him with the size four to two pants on swing around and bad lax inside of his own home That is what so don't let anybody fucking tell you yeah that you shouldn't have commemorative swords or decorative swords You can have that Gandalf stick in your house and use it because it again You never know when you're going to need it in an emergency. You never know you never know And it's important to be very aware of these weapons and know their actual capabilities. All right ben balls You're a hero of the week. Good job, buddy. Good good work way to protect your castle That's what you do, buddy. Put your life on the line, buddy

All right, so I have a couple of responses. I want to read a couple of audience I want to keep a read a couple of listener letters We have some really interesting responses to our questions from last last week's episode about hadin clark So if you had listened to this series, I say go ahead and check it out I was very happy with our work on this series. This guy is endlessly fascinating And yep, and last week we asked the question of Now hadin clark at the while in jail had this habit of stringing up sausages in his cell So they would grow moldy and he'd eat them and have furious diarrhea and vomiting issues, right?

And then he would take food and pack it inside of a milk cart until it got fucking rancid For like weeks on end and then he'd drink it and then he'd throw up and he'd shit everywhere Right poor selly So we asked some poor jesus christ to selly. Yeah. Yeah So we asked our listeners for any feedback about what is this behavior illustrate We got we got two great responses that I wanted to read So number one this comes from j i'm a clinical psych doctoral student in rochester new york And I think I might have a guess as to why hadin did the seemingly discussing things he did

In object relations theory essentially a theory that describes your problems as being related to your relationship with adults when you were a child A person's behavior can be labeled in three main categories whole ego Anti-labidinal and labidinal an anti-labidinal behavior when someone views themselves as bad because their parents were overly critical or demanding The individual abuses others and themselves in a way to project their sense that they themselves are no good And neglected or abused children these negative external behaviors can manifest in all sort of ways One example I tend to think of is a child in a play therapy case study Who would blow mucus out of his nose and rub it all over his face while growling at the therapist whenever he would get a too Emotionally close to the therapist. Oh, it's the child's way of saying don't get too close to me

I'm no good and you won't like me In hadin's case This is a vulnerable man projecting his negative views about himself into the world Probably in an attempt to protect himself from the dangerous environment of prison So he does things that are disgusting and quote-unquote hard core to send the message that everyone had better stay far away from him Right. Okay, but and we've talked about that before when it comes to prison. Do you just wear a dooku? A dookie hat on the day one. Do you just start playing with your own turds? Like because you do have to act crazy

In many ways to go. I mean when jeffrey dommer went to prison, although I don't think he needed help acting crazy He needed help, but he leaned way in remember that stuff. He would like be like I'm gonna eat you like all that kind of like he leaned in to be a cannibal But he did that in prison then meanwhile was doing like heavy therapeutic putic work with his family Which is very interesting because you remember the whole book that his father wrote Where so he was still living his two lives like most secure most serial killers love to do They love the idea of being several people at once so that no one can put a pin on them Right. So here's another one from k first. I should clarify. I'm not a psychologist, but they are a therapist often work with reentry population

So here are some thoughts There are several reasons why someone incarcerated me engage in behaviors that most would consider alarming To get the best to get the best answer on why haddon clark was keeping and eating rotten food One should ask him directly and it says the answer. Sure without access to this. Here are some general common reasons one stimulation Incarceration offer provides a lack of stimulation and prisoners may resort to unusual means to get it Those with better coping skills will usually find less disturbing means But those who are more vulnerable or even those with significant time to serve may struggle to do so Two increasing autonomy sense of control as a prisoner

I might not have a choice on something as basic to my autonomy as choosing when I eat sleep talk, etc Keeping food a decision and seeing it rot a concrete result of my actions will increase my sense of control Three social impact. These behaviors may drive people away, which we talked about four resolving boredom I may have to stare at the same wall every day, but watching food rot is something would potentially be very different and unpredictable each day Tasting the food can be further entertainment going back to the point in simulation. Oh, I mean honestly Thank you so much for both of those letters really informative I guess when you are watching the same wall, you're seeing the same paint chips chip off that same wall Watching a gallon of food rot is like your version of home improvement. It's very exciting

You got you got your main characters in there. You got a wacky neighbor. That's just a rotting hamburger I tell you what it's more informative than the presidential debates. Come on guys Come on guys Right for Jay Leno. Absolutely correctly Correctly accurate. That's a turn. Um, and I want to write I want to read this letter because it came from a discussion We had about mall Santas and I thought it was very illuminating this this letter is Yes, I love this letter This letter is entitled. I wish I was a mall Santa

There's a hierarchy of Santas At the top of the chain is the performing Santa the ones you see at the lamest of all the christmas shows at every Indian casino in the american west Below them are the Santas and things like the dickens fair or the various christmas parades Where you don't have to actually interact with the feckless children of the world I honestly will also put this is Henry Zagrowski speaking I would put the santa the macy days parade is like the president of santa's thing. Oh, I think so. That's a huge get for a santa It's a huge gap

Below the people below the the fair Santas. There's mall Santas Now the gap between those first two in the mall Santa is cavernous But they are not the basement of the spectrum That would be the visiting santa and I was one of them the visiting santa would typically be the fattest guy Working for the city of santa claire and that was me And you'd get dressed up about five a.m. For the week before christmas Did you make a stop every hour at a children's hospital or preschool or any other depressing place within city limits? You'd show up

They would in there invariably give you the rickety as chair in the place and the sick kids They were all sick kids would sit on your lap and tell you the dreams to not have cancer or spina bifida or some shit The reason why us touring Santas were a step below mall Santas. Well, the first sign was that for every kid They always put down these plastic mats down in your lap to prevent the fluids seeping out of these He says the term brats I'm gonna say that they are they aren't sick children. Yeah, they're just sick children. They are just sick children, but it's brutal I understand that this is brutal. Yeah, the mats were never big enough to prevent the inevitable staining from the pre coffin

Licker that was on a constant drip out of these kids This man seems like a very grumpy santa. I don't know what he's talking. It's a little these are cancer kids Mall Santas get breaks Which was actually designed to get the lines back up which increases traffic overall And they get paid about 50 percent more than the touring Santas. There's actually a Santa Facebook group And when I mentioned that I'd done the touring Santa thing the mall Santas on the group all treated me like that poor dumb bastard Who tore the tour of the deepest shit with Charlie shooting at him while they've been assigned to stateside duty Shaving new recruit heads. Oh my god. I don't know how this guy got a job being any kind of Santa

Merry fucking Christmas. Merry Christmas. It has begun. I don't know if you've noticed it, but the holiday season has begun Kessel Oh my god, I was just on uh on instagram and one of my friends they already have their entire apartment decorated They got a Christmas tree and everything. What's going on here? May they be beddied with a stock of holly in their hearts I don't understand. You know what man? We've said this before I'm not going to be a krimudgeon this year. I'm not a krimudgeon any year I'm happy. I'm wild. I'm wacky Stop saying you're wacky I honestly think that Haddon Clark is wacky. Hmm. Okay But we don't know what mr. Wilson did

We don't know what Wilson did before he became the neighbor that looks over the fence He may have just been he may have been a DJ in a roller rink. It was a sniper in vietnam. Uh, that's why I'm in mr. Rogers Yeah, I think they debunked that about mr. Rogers though. I don't think he was a sniper I think they said he had like 75 kills or something which would be pretty sweet That would actually be very interesting But I have I have one little other Story I want to read because we're getting back in it. We're getting back into aliens real soon We have a we have a relaxed fit coming up this week, but the week after that we're getting back in the ufo

So I want to read this people to get people back in the moon I have a situation at home that I honestly don't know who to reach out to so naturally with henry being a member of Mufon, I thought why not read reach out to you guys Mine his son is two years old and ever since he was eight months old. He was able to say a few words He has insisted that an owl has been in his room at night In the beginning he would just make the owl sound and point to his ceiling But more recently he has been saying owl while pointing at his ceiling and moving his finger around like a propeller So we ask him helicopter

Would you respond with a frustrated no every time He then makes the owl noises and hits himself on the forehead while making a scared whining noise Geez, I then asked him does the owl hurt you and he nods. This is terrifying I want to press my son for more answers But his speech is obviously still limited and it frightens him to talk about it We have a bitter We have a video monitor in his room and I work second shift So I'm up and viewing the monitor till about 5 a.m. With nothing weird occurring on film

Part of me wants to just shake the thoughts away channel my dad and assume it's nothing But years ago I watched this silly real fake fake fake real docu movie called the fourth kind with me Jovovich Of course, I remember it's a great movie. Yeah Granted that movie was garbage. I disagree. I thought it was fun. Yeah But they did say that it was like a documentary, but it was not or based off real events It definitely was not but it's a co-multation of real events But after a quick google search I found that there's a massive theory of people seeing owls at night in their rooms Only later to find out through hypnosis that they have been they've had an abduction experience

Rooted deep in their brains, which I have heard about very much. I was wittly stripper wrote about this. So this is very interesting I owls are connected to UFOs and grays quite often. So I mean that's haunting shit. Yeah, very scary It's a scary reason. It's scary thing about having a kid. That is horrifying. I mean kids are they're they're bringing everything into the house Oh, you gotta take them down. You got to duct tape them down. Gotta duct tape them down Absolutely. All right. Well, thank you all so much for those great letters And again, you can always email us at side stories lpotl at gmail.com that side stories lpotl at gmail.com Uh, and we always love getting the emails and thank y'all so much. Thank y'all We got uh the adult swim festival that is coming up this saturday. We will be there uh doing what good question

No, we will be boring the people waiting for electronica music in the hip hop people Yeah, I mean, I think that we're doing it like at 440 in the afternoon and then come to that But then afterwards stay because there's some kick ass. There's hip hop crazy bands All this kind of shit people I've never I've technically I've not heard of a one of them No, I haven't heard of anyone ed larson. He's our go-to music guy except death lock is performing, which is fucking sweet That's great. And so I'm gonna go. I'm gonna be cool. I'm gonna be hip. I'm gonna be like dr I'm gonna be like, uh Austin which one dr. Um, choose one

You're gonna be like dr. Evil You're just doing the same but this is we've talked about how awesome powers is just four jokes done over an hour and a half That's it. Well, I'm gonna have a lot of fun. We still got tickets for a buffalo show on the 23rd So check that out. Also, we might be releasing some more tickets for our new allen show And I want to a couple announcements for the new orla show So please wear costumes that if you sell see fit because it'll be a lot of fun And we're gonna be getting some audience footage and it'd be awesome if you made The live show because once it like we'd love to have a feature you on the live show it'd be a lot of fun

Yeah, absolutely. We we we went over some notes Yesterday with the director of the live show and that was the big note was we want more audience participation So yes dress up as a serial killer as an alien as whatever the hell you want to dress up as And just have fun with it. Yeah, it'd be fun to shit and next week We also have a very big announcement coming that you we will be telling you all about next week Yep, absolutely. We'll keep you all informed and we'll go on this crazy ride. We'll continue to be on it all together So, yep, we'll see everyone very very soon Portland, Maine, Northampton, Buffalo and then December 5th. We're in Toronto December 6th

We're in Detroit December 7th. We're in Columbus and then December 13th the last show of the year We are filming our special New Orleans. So come on out for that and thanks to my liver is already tired Oh my god. I mean, I'm already flashing my breasts for for drinks and beads and things like that It's great. You get a ticket now You do the whole city's really changed man. No kidding really changed So live your life like you're just running errands and you don't know you're about to be pulled from your car Oh and getting a hot load of steamy fucking ass milk poured all over you and then I want you to love Knowing that currently

You are not covered with the worm and corn riddled feces of a man Who only smokes cigarettes and drinks ripple and eats whatever he can find or is given to him You're not covered in that. So you just laugh you laugh knowing it and you know what? If you are covered in a man's full on duke You kind of got to love it because in the end If you're having problems, you know what? Your enemies can get close to you and then you're going to find out who your real friends are because only they Will help you get the streaks of that juice

Out of your hair. Yeah, only real friends and that's how you'll know who your real friends are. That's a great friend test Absolutely speaking of great friends. Thanks to everyone again who came out to Washington, DC We're going to keep on doing live side stories And we're going to continue to um, they're going to get better. They're going to get better I mean not that this show is bad, but they're going to get better Oh, we didn't even talk about the fact that we talked about natalia and dr. Phil the entire time the last time and she's a liar She is an adult natalia is an adult 95 years old 95 years old. I think I think she's a solid 40 I think so also. I'm all right. Everyone. Thanks for listening. Hail yourselves. Hail satan magusta lesions

Hell me Indeed. All right, buddy. That was that was a lot of fun Yeah, man. Remember you got to suck that dick because ain't no one gonna suck it for you, man. Well, I don't know That's I'm not sure This show is made possible by listeners like you thanks to our ad sponsors You can support our shows by supporting them for more shows like the one you just listened to go to last podcast network dot com