Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Whale of a Tale

Episode Date: June 17, 2021

Ben 'n' Henry break down this week's true crime news: a man claims to have been swallowed whole by a whale, the Buttcrack Bandit rides again, teens brag online about killing their parents, and MUCH MORE.Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left side stories. That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. So good to be in Denver. It's mile high. I can feel it in my lungs. I feel the clouds and my nostrils.

Oh, yeah, buddy. We are a mile high up in the air and high up in our brain, too, because of all the wheat. I mean, that is so many wheat stores around here. It's wonderful. I know it's a cliche to even talk about, but I am actually truly surprised. There's so much, Nug.

So much, Nug. Honestly, I feel weird paying for things and money here. You should only pay in wheat. I think you should pay in Nug. I agree. But the other day of what I found out about Denver, if you want to make some good old fashioned street friends. Yeah. Real fast. Oh, yeah.

Apply sunscreen in public because I was putting on sunscreen because it's also a thing that I thought was medieval science about Denver, that you get burned here faster. Well, there's no humidity. The humidity is very low and the heat. The sun is very real. I also don't know what the humidity has to do with it,

but you also brought up the humidity yesterday. You were like, it's zero percent. I was camping. I know so much about humidity. It's like ridiculous. I can't. I can't. I can't deal with your new personality. River Bend Kissel around the River Bend.

Bend Kissel. River Bend. But I was applying sunscreen and I heard a guy go, oh, man, let me get a hit of that. Oh, yeah. And I look and he, this man named Goose, I found his name was Goose. He came out and the way I got to know his name is that I was, he was applying it,

but he was missing the whole center of his back because he got a big scoop neck shirt on. You got to get the center of the back. I had to apply it to him. You were such a sweep. Because I started applying it to him. And then I was like, do you want this sunscreen? He's like, the sun's real out here, man.

It is. Take the sunscreen. He's just been like, no, you need it. You're white. And I was like, I am white. You're right. But I feel like I could go, you could take this and go. You could get more sunscreen. Goose might not be able to get so many. I don't know, but I also then worn Goose, not to spray a bunch in his mouth to get fucked up.

Don't do it. Welcome to Side Stories, everyone. I am Ben hanging out with Henry. Hope you're doing well out there. I touched a man in Denver. You did touch a man in Denver and that's the name of our first album. It'll be fantastic.

It'll be the first and last album. I touched a man just to watch him cry. Oh, isn't that nice? We are having such a great time here in Denver. We're actually, this is the day of the show at Red Rock. Day of the show, y'all. For the Red Rock show. So if you guys want to have like,

what's it like before the show? Do they do a bunch of cool stuff? This is it. This is it. This is what we do. And we have a bunch of fun stories to get to today. And yeah. Yeah, sure we do, Kissel.

So we'll be traveling. Sure we fucking do, Kissel. You don't think that we do have a bunch of fun stories to get to today. We have some content. I want to talk about your time on the river. You want to go there? Really quickly.

Well, it's because number one, I was very excited to see that you made it because Kissel did send a text like, I think you just said, alive. Alive. And then you went right to bed. What you needed to. Cause I mean, honestly, you look surprisingly like,

there's no reeds caught up in your clothes. I only have a few, I only have a few scratches. Yeah. I see some scratches, visible scratches. I'm a man, I'm a man. And there are patches of fuchsia burn on you. But then the rest of you was actually pretty lively tan. Yeah. The sun was very strangely effective on me.

I got a certain, I got certain spots of my bodies that burned, but then everything was lotion the same. So I guess some of my spots of my body are more susceptible to that side. Maybe you got thicker skin in those areas, but didn't you also shit in a box for three days? You have to shit in an artillery box.

They call it a grumbler, a gruber, a gruber, something like that is a good, don't go there. It's disgusting. Yeah. But you got a shit in this artillery box. And that was really the moment where I did like society again. I said, you know what?

One thing I do enjoy, because you remember what you like when you don't have it. Toilets, air conditioning, guns. I like- There were no guns, unfortunately. Burrito drive-in restaurants. We did have some good burritos. I want to thank everyone who cooked such fantastic meals.

Everyone was super sweet and wonderful. Guy! And I did have a great time. Of course. No, honestly, the smile that you have is genuine. Three days on the river, my friend. I was singing, I was humming. I was like, oh, man, river.

I mean, I was really getting into the spirit, but then the problem is when you got to unpack, and then society comes crushing back into you, and then you put your phone back on, and you know what you hear? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. But it's not a casino. It's not a jackpot.

No, it's not money. It's people mad at you. It's just a lot. Yeah. So my phone said 150 messages. Wow, you're gonna be nothing but great. You're popular, though. Yeah.

But it's mostly people. Where is this money? I'm looking for these forms. Well, we're getting towards July and evidently the landlord's coming calling. So I had a lot of that where it's the money, Lebowski. And I just said, can I go drown in the river? Can I just not?

But no, I'm happy to be back in society because you know what we have here? Applebee's. You know what's nice about your- That was the first place I went. You know what's nice about your body? It won't let you drown. You know, I tried, and I couldn't do it.

What do you do with this box of shit? Like, as you travel along- I actually was the only Hollywood thing that I did. I refused to have any, I did not touch it. I did not carry it. But did not people take turns carrying the box of shit? Yeah, no, they did. That was the only thing that I refused to do.

But what did they do? Would they put it in its own tube to go down the river? No, it was in my friend Josh's tube. It was just back there, and it's just the shit can. But you can't empty it anywhere. No, they empty that. Once you get off, then a whole bunch of gaggle of kids come, right, they're working summer jobs,

and they, I think, stubby licks it clean. I have no idea if they have one guy with the, I don't know if there's like a venom type guy who comes and licks it out. But do you rent the artillery box? You rent it all. And so you get this box that has been used for years for people's shit, and our boys overseas probably shit.

And now we're brought it over here. Artillery box, which also, I also learned this. PTSD. Exactly, some people actually did tell one of our quasi guides, he was a Vietnam vet, and he couldn't do it, and they had to hide the artillery box. Because he had flashbacks.

You laugh, you laugh, but that is very hard for the Vietnam vet. He can't shit in an artillery box because of Vietnam, Henry. Holy fucking shit, you are a mean-spirited man. My uncle couldn't even look at a spring roll. It was hard for him, but yeah. But I feel like it's a box is a box, a box of box,

right, like you could sit in an artillery box. Yeah, I mean. It's not full of bullets. No, it's full of human shit. It's full of man's bullets. It's not a lot of ladies boop in there. And yeah, you just kind of sit there, but overall fantastic experience.

Yes, at some point you do feel mildly captive. Was it removed from the group? They would move it. You know, I would say a good 100 yards away. But then innately, people would request it to be closer. As the night goes on, you get a little drunker. You want the grumbler closer to you. So then you could, and then people travel.

They go down the river and you're taking a dump there. You wave at them, they wave at you. And there's another thing that I was- River culture. River culture is something I will literally dip my toe in. Gotta dip it back up. Get it dry. I get it dry a little bit there, but I loved everyone.

Apparently, if you see an Amtrak train, you flash them. And if you see a commercial plane or train, no, Amtrak, Yamoon, either way, if you see a commercial thing hauling coal, you give them your butt. Okay. You see the Amtrak, you give them your tits. Wow.

Isn't that something? I've never seen Titties from an Amtrak train. I want to see that. No, and then the trains innately honk, they go honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk. And it might be reversed on that, so don't quote me, river people. But yeah, so it was a fascinating experience.

And people died on this river, so that was kind of cool. I mean, not on my trip. Not on this trip, but people die on the river. Oh yeah, because didn't someone tell you some horrible story where like, a woman went in, and she didn't come out. And you have to like, thank you, sir.

Oh, good. It was, I took some mushroom caps, because I'm in the mood, right? Yeah, take mushrooms, of course. Take some mushroom caps. And then he hits me with this story four years ago. She went in the water, went under the boat, she came up a couple of yards later.

Couple, I know I was like, Jesus. And then I was like, oh my God. And then I was like, this is serious. And then I was, I need to, I just needed to go eat at that point. But it was a fantastic experience and I highly recommend getting back to nature, because it does remind you,

there are still stars out there, and there's a lot of animals and lizards. I tell you what, I can't wait to get back to nature when a hotel is in the center of nature. You would have screamed, and you would have made it. I would have made it. You would have gotten airlifted.

I would have called the police. I would have called the police and be like, I would have said anything. But there were no, there's no access. Scoopy, something scoop me. There's no access to the outside world by the time you get in. Like when you're in it, you're like, I am,

that's the only thing where I did start tripping a little bit and I'm like, I'm captive on this fucking thing, man. And that was the only freak on there. I was like, no, man, I'm chill, I'm chill. And then you just have to like humble yourself to the mountain. Oh, River Paranoia.

Indeed. But speaking about someone who really got back to nature. This is a crazy story, and it involves a lobster diver. And I'm starting to think, we can't trust these people, but we're gonna break it down. It's so funny because we both have

such different reactions to the story. You came hard in with the skepticism. I'm sceptic. I was so excited to see the Bible come alive. But this story is the best story of the week. There was a lot of horrible things that happened this week as always, but this is my favorite one. Yeah, this was actually not that bad.

No, I mean, everyone survived. So 56 year old Michael Packard, he apparently spent 30 to 40 seconds inside a humpback whale. All right, so this is the thing. It swallowed him whole and then spit him out. That's what he says. There's a picture of him in the hospital.

He looks haggard. He's given the thumbs up like a low class politician. I did it. But I have to say, okay, this is where I'm skeptical. Whales are big. He said he was inside of the whale fully for 20 seconds. And there is not one GD bite mark or scar. I have more scars and I just messed

with a little bit of a crab. Well, he's an lobster salesman, sailor, diver. And his job is to probably get nipped at by these claws. So he must have a thicker hide than others. I do believe this. I don't know. That's not how skin works. I don't know.

No, you don't. But you know. Here's his story. I'm about 45 feet, right? He's bubbling, looking for lobsters. Cause you know what lobster divers do, right? They just go and they scoop up lobsters. Lobsters are on the ground of the ocean.

The ocean ground. Talk about an abduction. It is lobster. And then they're like, and then they take you up to the shore. That's how it must feel. Fuck your ass, man. They rip off your fucking top half and they suck at your fucking guts, dude.

And we do. But Michael Packard said he was down there, flopping around, he was looking at the lobsters, thinking which one had the beefiest tail. Again, I don't know. Cause you know, he does have to be like, no, that's a nice one. That's a big one.

The only lobsters that I've ever seen were at that horrible deli restaurant called Kellogg's in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is the worst diner ever. I hate to throw any businesses under the bus. I think it's gone. It may be. It was just not good, but they had a lobster tank. And every time he walked in,

it was the same lobsters there because nobody wanted the lobster. Cause they just lived a long life. Why in the fuck's name would you buy a lobster from a tank that's underneath the BQE? I don't know. So Michael Packard said he felt it was like a push. Like he felt like this crazy push.

And then all of a sudden he was in complete blackness. So he was inside of what he felt like a big muscular tube. And he was pushing against muscles. Nothing was squeezing against him. The whole time, the only thing he's thinking of, according to Michael Packard is he's thinking, number one, my kids, I'm gonna see my kids. Number two, I can breathe in this thing.

So if I slide into its guts, I'll be able to breathe inside of this whale until my tank runs out. Who knows, right? Who knows? Can we please, someone's side stories, L-P-O-T-L at gmail.com. Anyone who knows anything about whales

is this remotely close to possible? I don't know. So apparently he's inside, he's struggling. And so he knows he's punching the inside of its mouth, punching the guts. He says he feels the whale's head, like turn back and forth. And obviously not happy with the unpleasant feeling

of having the scuba diver inside of it. I don't think the whale wants to eat the scuba diver. It doesn't, because they naturally don't. They're not meat eaters, really, on our level, like big pink. And it's got all the clothes on. We like trying to eat an empanada with the husk on it still.

You can still do it. You're talking about tamale. But also, put an empanada wrapped in paper. But I'd still do it. But apparently he fought enough and he used his scuba equipment to pop up against the top of it until the humpback whale crested through the surface

and then just spit him out. Now according to him, he's covered in bruises. He said that he was covered in bruises. He said that he felt like his legs might have been broken, but he seemed to have been fine. He didn't know what happened. Because also apparently humpback whales, they are momentarily blind when they're feeding

because their gullets open up. That's just like us. It's like, I mean, that's you and me. We have food blindness. We're like, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out. Oh God, I just ate a whole bunch of laundry detergent. The bad thing was on Thursday, I was in Grand Junction and I was alone and I went out to a bar called Cruisers.

And Cruisers gave me so a lot of drinks. And then the next thing I know, I woke up and I got hot pocket crazy. I had three hot pockets and they were large. Why did you think about hot pockets? Because they were the only thing when I walked into the small little hotel I was in, I did a little place where you could buy food

and it was only hot pockets. And I went hot pockets crazy. So I was blind eating much like the whale. Well, if those hot pockets could talk, they did not survive. Honestly, you are keeping the 1950s traveling salesman bachelor world alive. And there's spokesperson.

But Michael Packard says that he did it, right? But now what you said immediately came out, right? As soon as he's told this story, this magnificent story of being eaten by a whale. If you listen to him, he has sort of a breathless monologue where he's like, you can't believe the terrors that lie at the bottom of the ocean. But that's why I don't think it's like,

did you script this? He's like, the quote here is like, I saw the light and he started throwing his head side to side. And the next thing I knew, I was outside in the water. But he also apparently survived a plane crash in Costa Rica, Michael Packard. When I told this to Natalie, her first instinct as well, I was like, this guy's a fucking liar.

Or it's like final destination. Yes. Like he missed the 9-11 flight. And now comes the whale. Yes. Now people are really doubting it. Yahoo News, that's the first thing they said. They won't even let us have a minute of this joy. They say, some people are doubting the Cape Cod Diver story

because they're just saying, it just ain't done been happened. Well, they say that the esophagus of the non-toothed whale is actually too small to swallow a person. Who knows? So they're saying it's physically not possible. Maybe he was one of these whore whales. Maybe. With a big old throat.

Oh my goodness, throating that whale. But apparently it's just simply not possible because what they do is they eat small schools of fish. Yeah. So they just go in there. But those guys collect everything. That's like your little, if you're having a, if you're having a Louisiana,

New Orleans style, you know, crawfish thing. Oh yeah, crawfish. That's what he's eating. So that's what these animals are eating, little fishies. So I don't, that's the problem. Everyone seems to say it is impossible to be swallowed by this whale. Some people, but according to Peter Corkerson,

who is the lead of whale research at the New England Aquarium, he said it might be possible for a whale to accidentally swallow something. You know, the water off the cape is pretty murky. And you know, when whales are doing these feeds, they're moving really fast. And this is just an accident.

And I imagine the whale had this, oh my goodness moment, and probably got rid of him as quickly as he could. I do love the infer emotion onto the whale. Yes. I'm like surrounded by water people. I'm a land person. Very much so.

I, again, dip the toe in there's another person named Charles Stormy Mayo. Yeah, come on, man. And they say people direct dive on the humpback whales all the time in the tropics, but not here. In those places, I'm not aware of a single incident of people having problems with them. Aren't also fishermen notorious liars.

That's what they do. That's like what they do. It's not a joke, it's a fact. It's the old story that we all know. So that's another great point. The profession itself lends itself to lying. To lying. It's like an actor.

The story itself is pretty grandiose. Well, let's see. I would say I think Michael Packard and I think he owes us the American people that are now hung on his story and they want more updates. Release pictures of your whale crushed legs. Release those leg pictures so that we can see. It's like I'll never believe that Osama bin Laden

is really dead. I'll never believe it, because I didn't ever saw a picture. They didn't want to make a shrine out of him and there is a few pictures that they will release. I saw those pictures, but then I've heard that those pictures are faked. You can't trust anybody.

I know. Trust yourself, trust your own eyes. Apparently, people at the Cape Cod Hospital said there was no broken bones, but there was a lot of soft tissue damage. So you can't see it from the outside, so I might just be, catching a book by the cover.

I understand it could be. You might have just been squeezed lightly. Okay, so again, not water people. I just, when I think of a whale biting, I think of like the human breaking. And perhaps they are more gummy. Maybe they are more like grandpa at the old retirement home.

Yeah, they have little rounded nubs, it seems, or something like that. Well, killer whales, they have teeth, and then, man, we know so much about whales, and we know definite things. We are in pain like that. We know we got, we know that this is incorrect. No, that has teeth.

That one don't have teeth. You can tell because it's smiling. Yeah, and then the other one has a couple of teeth. That one has cavities. You can see, you need to go do it under she's dentist. Sebastian the Crab is dead. But this, but his teeth don't, they aren't hard. I believe a whale's teeth is soft.

And then a whale's teeth are like curtains kind of stiff. And that's why they're lit in all the little tiny creatures because they sift through their weird, kind of like diaphanous curtain teeth. Yeah, this guy also, like he has, he said that he has lost friends to sharks. I am just starting to think. He's talking about, he just lost friends

because, honestly, he should maybe sharks, texts back, Michael. Maybe, yeah, he says that he lost some friends to the predators. I am starting to think this might not be the best profession for this man. It seems to be. He loves danger.

Yeah, but the water doesn't want him. The water doesn't want him. If you did get swallowed by a whale, you will never pay for a drink in Cape Cod ever again. Unless you find out that it's totally false and then you're never allowed in Cape Cod. This man is playing a very dangerous game. He's got, he's got a title.

Because now he's on viral and now everyone's like looking into it and he better, better get that whale and that whale better get in court, go on the stand, go under whale oath. Whale gate. Whale is whale gate. And I need to hear from the whale's mouth

that I'm ready to mistake. Are a parrot a man possibly forgiven for his sins? It's been a week. It's been a week and I forgive the whale because as that man said. It doesn't know it. The whale was stressed. He was food blind.

He was food blind. But all Michael needs to do is, honestly, even if you do it to yourself, you know how many times people got out of Vietnam by cutting off their fingers, kissing their buddy in the fucking registration office? You go, I need you to put some kind of dent or something in your leg.

Like you need to do it so you have the thing that you can show me like, and that's where he got me. And then you will be a legend. You will always be every fucking woman that wants to sit on the face of a man who survived. The inside of her whale will be there for you, but you're gonna have to put up the receipts. Yeah, I completely agree.

Anyway, his wife is very happy. Cynthia Packard says, thank God it wasn't a white shark. He sees them all the time out there. He must have thought he was done. They do just sort of say it like, yeah, I thought he was gonna die out there. Like, I don't know if anyone would have been sad, but I guess they would have been.

What? No, he has a 12 and a 15. You know, he was talking about his kids. He was talking about the first thing he thought was his kids. And he's a good look. I mean, you know, he's a good looking 56 year old guy. I just... Yeah, he looks like that guy

from all of the travel commercials, not travelosity. The other guy always sounds like he's hungover. They've been doing that ever since Dos Equis, where they've had hungover, like smoke soaked men, cellist things. The most interesting man in the world, actually just an actor, probably at a bar right now where he can drink for free with his pay stubs that he got.

You know, what's that called? Residuals. Residuals, obviously. I mean, honestly, he, again, another person who should never have to pay for a drink ever again in his life. But do you think he gets sick of Dos Equis after a while? I love Dos Equis, but it's definitely the beer

for stepdads across the world. Yeah, it's not bad. All right, so we don't know. We'll keep you up to date. We will. And now I've come full circle. I wanna believe. I wanna believe.

I want to believe you swallowed by a wolf. But now I'm on the other side. Now I doubt him. So you did your job. Once I learned that he did have some tissue issue, tissue issue, maybe it's possible. Anywho, well, speaking of Mayo, this actually involves Mayo as another part of this story,

kind of a synchronicity here. There's a dude that he's calling the Butt Crack Bandit. Well, yes. He burglarized a Taco Mayo in Parsons. And the reason why that they... Could they call him the Butt Crack Bandit? Because not only does he have a little butt crack show and all of us will do that.

Yeah, absolutely. On the river, some people were like, hey, you gotta make sure to lotion up the butt crack. And it shows. But I gotta say, Henry, this is the most amount of butt crack for a man that is not fixing a toilet I have ever seen in my entire life.

I'm gonna go as far to say that they should call it the whole ass bandit. It's the whole... It's not a crack. At what point does it not become the crack? And he was like, I'm just seeing the hole. That's a hole right there. But this is a man.

He also was wearing a ankle monitor. He committed not the best time to rob something else. Oh, God, buddy. Yeah, I mean, honestly, they know how to find you. They found this person. There was this picture that went up of the quote, unquote, Butt Crack Bandit. This was in Joplin, Missouri, where people saw, again,

where Lord Rael did his terrible vengeance against people telling him that he was fat. Now, this is interesting. The employee who was involved with the burglary was identified as Kaylee McClelland. Kaylee was arrested for interference with law enforcement for her deception regarding Paul. So they were in on it.

It was an inside job. Inside job. Now, I have, again, let us know on our side stories email. I never heard of a taco mayo before. Mayo, taco, taco, mayo. It doesn't sound like a good combo. I don't want to think about mayonnaise and tacos. This is Missouri Mexican food.

All right, the Missourian. Oh, no. So, you know, it's not going to be what you're looking for. As far as I'm concerned. Missouri for steak, though. Oh, of course. Of course. But yes, apparently, they posted this picture of the Butt

Crack Bay, and everybody freaked out. And then they caught the bastard that did this. And then, you know, Detective Lieutenant Sherry McGuire said, good solid case work takes some time when there are few witnesses or leads to act on. We understand the frustrations of the community at times because we also get frustrated with the slow process that allows information to come our way.

This case was just that way. We had suspicions of the criminal involved, but we had to verify information before we could make the arrest or charge him with the crime. We were successful with this arrest. Unlooked to the judicial process for the punishment in this matter. All right.

A bit grandiose for a statement regarding the Butt Crack. Taco Mayo Butt Crack ceiling. This was just Kaylee and Paul stoned a shit. Just be like, I think I can get us. How much money was in the Taco Mayo? Maybe $900. Maybe.

Maybe. So I think the officer, I'm just going to say, patting herself on the back. Because it's like, we got this one. We got this one. Yeah, because there's a video. And it's an inside job. And the guy is wearing ankle brace.

It's just like them not talking about the fact that there's probably several like full on videos of them just like putting black people up on like scarecrow posts and beating them with sticks. Oh my goodness. Yeah, exactly. You're in Missouri. There are some issues there.

Oh, yes. But if you look up Butt Crack Bandit, it is not a unique circumstance to Joplin, Missouri. Type in Butt Crack Bandit. Use quotation marks to get it all the way. Look at this. All right. So this is the list of Butt Crack Bandits

that America has had. There was the Cedar Rapids Butt Crack Bandit. There was the Texas Tavern Butt Crack Bandit. There was the Butt Crack Bandit in, it was WKRG. This is in. There was a Butt Crack Bandit at large in California. Yeah, this is a Chicago Butt Crack Bandit. Oh my god.

This is a, we got a Chicago Butt Crack Bandit. We have got a Sacramento Butt Crack Bandit. It seems as if the Butt Crack Bandits are mostly stealing packages off of people's suits. It's a lot of that. So Butt Crack Bandit in Fort Lauderdale. Butt Crack Bandit in a struck a bank in Halloween morning. Listen to this.

Butt Crack Bandit strikes bank Halloween morning. As you just said, in Levittown, that's the worst Butt Crack Bandit yet. That man's actually going to a bank where we know they have money unlike a Taco Mayo, which I have no idea if anybody goes there. What, this is, this is a Butt Crack. That's a Butt Crack Bandit because it is just Butt Crack.

The other one, honestly, that guy stealing the stuff off the porch, that was also just full ass because they had to blank that out to even show that on the news. There was a Butt Crack Bandit. You know what he was doing? What? At Turlock Restaurant, he stole their plants. He stole plants from the Turlock Restaurant in Sacramento.

We had that happen to us as a kid in Queens. My mom stole your plants? Oh yes. This is when Queens was fucking for real, real dog. My mom has these plants. But it's weird. It is weird. You're talking like 200 pound planters filled with soil

with my mom's like fresh, whatever bullshit plants she had and these flowers she had. Let's call them ferns. Ferns. But they were nice ones, right? Whatever. But they're not that expensive. Like it's not like we had money.

So they came from fucking maybe Home Depot, maybe not, probably from Jamaica Avenue. Yeah. So we, my mom had spent all weekend putting all this shit out and then Monday of that weekend, we come out in the morning, planters are gone, except you see two trails of dirt leading from the front of the house to the street where there must

have been someone pulled their car up where they could steal the planters. As a father who was a cop, was he like excited about the caper? No, he didn't really look into it. No, he didn't? No, my father liked to work as a cop on the clock. I see. And then after that, he worked as a drunk.

You mean a fun guy? A fun guy. Of course, of course, a fun guy. All right. Well, so we'll keep you informed on all butt crack scandals, all butt crack robberies. Thank God they caught this man. Because if they didn't, every Taco Mayo wouldn't be safe.

Taco Mayos are shaking in their Mayo and now they're sleeping in it. Mayo tacos? I don't know why I don't want any Mayo on my taco. But yes, also, this is my plea to the lame stream media. Whoa, buddy, don't go there. You go there. The butt crack bandit title is now it's given it to everybody.

You can't just say it and act all cute about it. Think of something new. The ass Avenger. Ass Avenger is good. Maybe also let's take into account the criminality. If you're a criminal, cover up the butt crack. Cleavage, show male cleavage or female cleavage. Then you have a cleavage bandit, titty bandit.

Titty bandit. So there's a lot. This is also on the bandits to diversify. You diversify. You have to diversify. Because media is not clever enough. They'll rerun the butt crack bandit storyline for everything ever.

Yeah, exactly. You think about it. You dress up. You know what we need? Someone in full Bernie Sanders outfit. The Bernie Sanders bandit. That would be fun. That would be fun.

All right. Well, let's switch. Let's go on to this story here. This story is actually speaking of fathers. It's right around Father's Day, isn't it? Sometime at some point, at some point in the year. But at some point in the year, it's Father's Day. What is the point of Father's Day?

Because I know that every other day of the year. Dads don't even like it. Fathers don't like the Father's Day, do you? Because we never, I don't think I ever, my father even talks about that. We never got him a gift, really. We never, you don't celebrate the father. The father just works and smokes.

Give me my money. Yeah, because what are you going to buy for the father that he really wants? The father. You know what? The talking bass. You get a dad to talk in fake bass. You put it on the wall, take me to the river. They have to smile by that policy.

I do believe they will, you know, one big thing for a mother's day, right? Is that you give mom like the day off, right? Where you cook for her and you, and you clean the house for her, that kind of bullshit. I think the father should get a day off. Was your mother an indentured servant? They, well, my mom was like, oh, I do, it's clean.

You know what I mean? Like we were begging her to do it. We were like, you are, you can stop for a little while. But let the father have a break from being a father for the day. Well, and certainly this teen couple allowed this father to have a break from being a father. They murdered him.

God, the ultimate break. Yeah, Aaron Garara 18 and his girlfriend there, Sierra Helseth, it's 16. And naturally, as the kids will do, they went right to social media. This is why I'm not having kids. Yeah, they recorded this video that both shows their unbelievable ignorance in youth

and then also shows just how, we were talking about this before the show, psychopathy, I've been watching a lot of videos and there are shades of it here. Oh, of course. Well, because kids don't have, their brain ain't done. Their brain ain't done.

So they don't understand. They are very, very selfish. They don't know what they have to lose. They don't really understand. It's kind of like now like the weird like TikTok revolution trying to free the Menendez brothers where it's just being like you are, the problem is-

They were lying. They killed their parents. They were very spoiled rich kids. It's hard, man, because people, I understand you're full of youth and you want to believe, but it's very, very difficult because then half of you post videos like this

where you kill your father and then you brag about it on TikTok. So they said, welcome back to our YouTube channel, day three after murdering someone. That's what Garara said. Did you watch the video? No. It is so weird because they are obviously in like,

I don't want to say the word love because it's not what it's supposed to be. They don't know what love is. Yeah, they're 16 years old. It's like this weird lot. It was the first person that touched her privates and vice versa. Yes.

And so they were like, this is the one. We love you. Yeah, exactly. And a health system replies, whoa, don't put that on camera, but she's like giggling the entire time. And then he says, it was worth it. This is so freaking horrifying.

And then they also talk about how they had sex a lot. And then the boyfriend mumbles about how that was payment for him to do it. Oh my God. It's so gross. And like, it's just now they're going to spend the rest of their life incarcerated. They've ruined their life. They killed this woman's father.

Look at all the pictures of the father that was on TikTok with her. And they did only social media posts. All these cute shit together. And then he just, they just murdered him. He seems like a totally nice guy. The crime scene, it was knives, saws, lighter fluid. Wow.

Yes. The father was murdered after the teens were told by their parents they could no longer be together. Probably because they were openly having sex and he got mad about it. And obviously someone's a bit of a psychopath. Yes. And then they stabbed him, then attempted to set fire

and then dismember his body using bank cards to buy items used in the gruesome crime. Prosecutors presented to the grand jury photos that include the daughter buying bleach and her boyfriend buying a saw, lighter fluid and gloves. Just like someone who was going to go dismember a body. You know what you gotta do?

Throw in some bubblegum. That's what I always do. I say throw in a bubble, my rockstar energy drink just be like, here's a saw, bubblegum. And then it's like here in a sandal. I think it's really fun to just go solely for the murder process. Mix up the receipt.

Mix up the receipt. Make it a fun thing. Make the cashier imagine whatever journey that your day is going to take you from the time you leave the store. There is, apparently they also showed pictures of the crime scene on TikTok. There was the blood-soaked rug was also found

in the trunk of his vehicle. Yeah, they also tied the crime together because it was the same blood-soaked rug that was on the TikTok videos where they were bragging about murdering her father. God dang, that's so bad. Again, they just don't know anything. They don't understand that the internet is forever.

If you put it on there, people are going to find it even if you delete it. So is murder. So apparently the dead man's family, he says first and foremost, he was a loving father, brother and son, who was the heart of the wholesome family. And he really does look, I'm not even just saying this,

he looks like a good dude. He looks, he's kept together. He looks like he's probably a good dad. Everyone's saying he was a good dad. He might have sort of like overly did the thing. He's got the swoopy hair. So he might have been trying to connect. Yeah, he's a cool dad, quote unquote, cool dad.

He's trying to connect to his daughter, maybe, trying to get in on her TikTok world. This is the question. And this goes out for parents out there because I'm hanging out with some of my old high school friends and they have parents, or they have kids rather. And it's like, so this obviously,

this 18 year old was horrible. And he's eight and the 16 year old, which, you know, and how do you separate them then? Cause they did the thing where it's like, you can't see him anymore, but then you have a, then it's like- No, you make it Romeo and Juliet. It makes it all full of passion and all the shit.

And like Romeo and Juliet, that story is not romantic. It's a murder suicide. And it's a horrible story though. It was three days of hell. I think the goal is, is that number one, you want to keep your kid from running away. And number two, you want to keep them from murdering you. So what you want to do is kind of give them a long leash

and know more often than not, this is my advice from somebody who will never have a child. Yeah, that's good. Take this advice to heart. Go and give them maybe a longer leash, right? Because in the end, she's going to have to make mistakes on her own. If she gets pregnant at 17,

that's going to be her set of circumstances that she's going to have to deal with. And or it will naturally fizzle out in fucking six months. Because that's what happens when you're a 16 year old, dating an 18 year old, when you're this young, when you were 35 years old, sometimes it happens. Where you just get sick of somebody really, really quick. And so the more pressure you put on them to not date,

the more they're going to view it like the persecution complex that comes from fucking cult leaders to shit. Oh, well now we have to do it because my fucking parents are telling me not to. Absolutely. And Sierra, that's the woman who was there giggling with her boyfriend there, her mom, Elizabeth.

I think this household was probably pretty buttoned up because her mom was once a state senator. She was a GOP state senator. Wow. And she was elected at 27 years old. She was the youngest state senator in the Nevada. Does that Senate in 2010? If you were the youngest Republican senator, do you have to apply for the sex offender list

like when you get that day? Or is it like the end of the term? Well, it's very impressive that she got elected so young. But I, so I have a feeling this daughter, maybe she comes from certain DNA strands that might be a little bit more, you know, aggressive in the brain. That's true. She has a buttoned up kind of a conservative lifestyle.

And then all of a sudden this guy comes around with a ding-dong and... Well, you got desperate father or are they divorced? The mother and the father? They may be. I don't know. Because if they are divorced, you could maybe also see the father's trying to get like, try to say young and hip with the daughter. And then it goes too far.

Because also, you know, my mom used to, you know, we were physically afraid of my five foot mother. Well, your mom... She used to say, I'm your mother, not your friend. Yes. And I think that that's a good way to do it until they're like a certain age and then you can start the friendship. But, you know, because you have to find the final...

More like guarantor versus loney. Absolutely. That's really what it is. So anyway, just be scared if you have teenagers in the house. You can't, you don't know what they're thinking. They're full of fucking hormones and they don't know what they do. And if you see them with a saw and they're not actively chopping down a tree

that you asked them to chop down or saw down, you need to take that saw and you need to just, I don't even know, maybe you just rub it on something so it's not so sharp. That's an idea. Or if they go to chop down the tree, you told them, maybe you asked them to not chop them to the tree and then they chop down the tree

and then tell you on their own volition that they're lying, they're going to be president. Okay. Because that's the George Washington story. Oh, isn't that nice. He actually was the tallest man in his time because people talk about how George Washington was like this sort of mountain man.

Like six, three, which is like seven, two. Yeah, at the time it was huge. So that's something. That's why tall people are often in positions of leadership. I think they just looked at Jim and he was like, you're the president, George. And he's like, oh, does it have to be me? But you know, that was actually not to get

two in the weeds on that, but that was actually a good thing because then he set the tradition where he said, I'm out after two terms. I can't do this shit anymore. He also wrote that very famous essay about how the two-party system was bad. Indeed, George Washington had a lot of good ideas. All right, so be careful if you have kids out there.

And I think today's episode, we're really, you know, I just realized today's theme is who can you trust? Who can you trust? Can you trust a lobster fisherman? Can you trust your child? Can you trust a buck cracker? You know what I'm gonna say to you, honestly? You can't even trust us.

No, you can't. We're unreliable. Absolutely. But you can't even trust a frickin' nun. I have never did. Oh well, the nun V priest, I trust nuns still, but I'm starting to be more skeptical because we just found out this California nun,

she has pled guilty to stealing from the Catholic school. She stole about $835,000. She did it over 10 years. This is from LA too. She did this over 10 years. She stole fuckin' $800,000. $10 million, but okay. I'm proud of her, man.

At the same time, I say fuckin' throw her the fuckin' book at her. Okay, her name is Mary Margaret Trooper. She's 79 years old. She's lookin' at 40 years in jail. More old people in jail. Does this woman, this elderly nun, yes, I know, it's not good she stole from the school.

No, I don't care. The punishment should be given it back. Oh, sure. Honestly, what do you think? What would the nun spend it on? Habits? How many can you have? How many black robes can you have?

Well, it just shows what are you gonna wait to buy? She just was a gambling addict. Oh, she's fine. She would have been fun if she didn't have the, like, it's the type of nun that smokes cigarettes and gets drunk on the side, which yes, obviously my favorite type of nun. Of course.

But also, you could do all of the shit without being a nun, and you can also be devoutly religious and not be a nun. Well, you know. If you're going up any sort of order, you could be a female pastor. Sure. So she did have a bit of a gambling addiction,

but again, it's cute when you see the nun at the slot machine. Oh, it is sort of cute. Hi, sister. According to her lawyer, he says she is very remorseful in that she had a mental illness that clouded her judgment.

And I actually have to say, I was speaking with Ed Larson from his great documentary, How America Killed My Mother. Well, his mom was severely, was very addicted to gambling. Very addicted. And she had obviously some mental illness

because of the diabetes. So it's possible that she had something similar and that gambling does ding around the brain a little bit. I just think it's interesting like who we don't persecute, you know what I mean? And how like she got,

was it 40 years? She's looking at 40 years. 40 years for this. And she's already 79 years old. It does feel like maybe you could make her, like make a bunch of soup for people for like years and years and whatever. Like you could make her have to be in charge

of some programs. Our former president did nothing but steal. He's fine. He's living in beautiful Florida. So I am with you. I just, do I feel safer as a society knowing that this nun is locked up for 40 years? Not really.

But again, just get the money back. Well, you know what she has to do? What? Play scratchers. She's gonna have to get this money back somehow. Get her right back in the system. So this is the gambling conundrum to make it back. You gotta keep on,

I gotta keep you going deeper and deeper and deeper because you could actually- When we go to Vegas in July, you will hear me say the words, you gotta play to win. No, of course. No, I've heard it before. I've heard it in AC.

I heard it when we did that show in Pennsylvania. What was that? That other, what was it? Other casino we did. Bethlehem. Bethlehem, yes. Yeah, you gotta play to win. You gotta play to win.

And that's all she was trying to do here. So. I don't know, man. It also comes down to it. I just get, she took the money, but watch nuns closer. Don't trust them just because they got the stupid habit on them. I think she's, so she did get a plea agreement.

So we'll see how much- I do want to just- Time she gets. We're gonna end here. We're gonna, we gotta do here of the week. Let's do here of the week. But I do want to talk about the ultimate slip and slide series that was halted after there was explosive diarrhea

all over the set. We'll talk about this next week. But yeah, this was a- Well, you can't just leave me with that. It was just, there's not a lot of information about it because Universal didn't want it to come out, but they have to postpone the entire series because they have to reshoot a bunch of things because-

Was this called Wipeout? Yes, production on the series originally. No, Wipeout, somebody died on the set. That's with our friend, Nicole Byer. Somebody died, but- What? Oh, yes, but that's a whole thing. That's a whole thing because they said-

Was it a fun water one? Yes, apparently someone died of a massive heart attack on set. But the way, and I'm not, I'm not, you know, I can put my conspiracy theory hat on here, is they took them off set, then declared them dead because the production company that was making it- What was the soft pads killed it? Because him or her?

No, they just died of a massive heart attack. Doing the physical effort of the game because maybe you don't know, maybe you're one of those people that has like one of those default aortic valves that just fucking can drop dead. But whatever happened, they died. No one really talked about it

because Universal didn't really have a, because I forget who produces- It's John Cena and Nicole Byer, the host though. They're two great people. But I believe it's Warner Brothers. They, which also happens at Disney, Disney parks, if you die at Disney, like this is why there's no record deaths inside of the park.

If something happens to you, they will take your body outside of Disney park and declare you dead at the hospital. We are covering the black death and right now on last podcast and left proper, and it's not that far off of just taking them out of the city walls. They just take them out and be like,

but then he don't learn. So they went, so somebody died on set and wipe out and then they took them off set. And then because they probably collapsed and had a hard time, they probably collapsed, medic came, they picked him up, they probably moved it to another place. Then they said, this guy's dead,

but he'd been dead since he hit the fucking ground. You know what I mean? Jesus, criminy Christ. But this story, yeah, so apparently this production on the series for the ultimate slip and slide was paused on June 2nd when the studio was made aware that a crew member had tested positive for Giardia.

Oh, that's what you get on the cruise ships. Yes, as many as 40 crew members were ultimately affected by the parasite, leaving people collapsing on set due to awful explosive diarrhea and being forced to run into porta-potties. Working with LA and Ventura County Health Departments, NBC Universal employed a third party environmental lab

to run tests on the location's water source and determined that it was negative for Giardia. That's fun, man. What is the ultimate slip and slide for a reason? Also, Ron Funch has made it because he's the new host of it, him and Bobby Moynihan. And the fucking picture that they used, the headshots that they used of them in the announcement

that says NBC halts production on ultimate slip and slide amid report of explosive diarrhea outbreak is just him smiling. Like, he's just so happy. Just so fucking funny. Ron is a great guy, a very funny man. Good for him for having that show. I'm sorry he got halted because of his explosive diarrhea.

All right, let's do Hero of the Week. This Hero of the Week, I don't know her name, but some heroes go nameless. It's a woman, she's on top of a parking complex outside of or adjacent to a prison and she twerked rather on top of the parking structure and the prisoners flashed their lights. She gave them a little bit of, you know, a little bit of peace.

Yes. A little bit of solace. Yes, and it was nice to... As they suffer in the jail cells. So they were flashing lights at her, she was twerking on top of the... And she's got a nice booty. She really does and honestly, it's just sometimes, sometimes it doesn't cost anyone to be a hero.

No, it really doesn't. Sometimes it doesn't even cost, sometimes it's not even danger to be a hero. Sometimes it's all about what can you offer society that others can't and sometimes it's your delicious, beautiful beehive. Absolutely, this was brought to us on TikTok by Maz1234, underscore.

And the video shows this woman almost like Batman. On top, you can see... She's slapping her butt, she's spreading her butt. She does it all and you know what? In this world, we need a little love. God bless her. And she brought that love through her booty, right through that hole and it sent the message of love

right to the prisoners who were locked in those cages. I don't believe in the Christ spirit, but this is where I'd see it. Sure. Is in this woman. Absolutely. All right, so Nameless Woman, flashing her booty for those prisoners.

You're hero of the week. You did it. We're hero of the week. All right, now let's read a listener email or two. So first of all, there was a lot of defense of gerbils. Yes, of course. People love gerbils, Henry. I was telling you that.

But gerbils are the less emotionally intelligent of the rat creatures. Emotionally intelligent. Yes. How would you even gauge that? Because a hamster can actually engage. A guinea pig has a name. You can, it knows his name.

If you don't name it. Yeah, a gerbil will still probably eat out your ass all of your debt. I do believe that's true. So I don't know. So I'm not gonna read it in these letters from you gerbil owners. I'm just saying you're seen and acknowledged.

Yes. I get you like gerbils and I do believe that not all gerbils are the problem. Hashtag not all gerbils. I like gerbils, so I'm in defense of the gerbil. So we, but just know, do research, do your research. They have gerbils, Henry. They know more than we do.

I'm not, you, not them. I'm talking to anybody else who's not a part of gerbil niche. You go, and if you want to dare choose a gerbil or something like that, just know you're taking your life in your hands, but do the research before they arrive at your house. Okay, you've somehow backtracked and made it worse. I did.

Okay, very good. We love the gerbil. I had the pleasure of growing up in a 100 year old haunted house on the south side of Chicago. Nice. And every one of my family has experienced something spooky. The previous owner of our house committed suicide in the main bathroom of the house

and wasn't found for a week. My parents found out about this a year after buying the house. I thought that there was some law where you had to tell them. I think that's recent. Okay. I have a cousin who as a child refused to go into that bathroom because she said she was afraid of the sad man in there.

She would only go in there if I went with her as the sad man was afraid of me. That's scary. There was a vent in our hallway that every child under the age of five that has ever come into our house sits at and talks to someone for hours. We just let them be so as not to anger the spirits. My brother was homesick from school one day

and was making food. He put the food in the microwave, left the kitchen to do something else. And when he came back, there was a transparent man standing in the doorway shaking his head, no. Oh my gosh. Naturally, my brother ran and hid until someone came home. When we checked the food, one of those heat

and served sausages. Oh, I was thinking it was gonna be a hot pocket. Yeah, no. Apparently, he was on the recall list for E. Coli. So the man saved him. I don't know. I see. So the entity was like, no, don't eat that.

Don't eat it. That's got E. Coli. Don't. Oh, wow. Thank you, ghost. That's pretty cool. One Christmas, my sister and I were sitting on the couch crocheting like two little old ladies.

I was 25. She was 18. She was facing the doorway when all of a sudden a look of surprise crossed her face. I asked her what was wrong. And she said she saw a woman standing by the door looking at us with contentment and happiness. Oh, cause she was old.

She made me. And still it's knit. I love that. Yeah. The last one, my dad passed away in 2018 from lung cancer. We're sorry to hear that in our house in the early hours of the morning. Later in the day, while our family was all gathered

in the living room talking and crying, the lights turned off and back on two times and a feeling of peace came over the room. My dad would often flick the lights in that room to get our attention when all of us children were gathered. So strangely, other than the sad man crying, which I can see that being very, very scary, seems like most of the poltergeist activity

is there to help. Oh, yes, of course. Okay. Absolutely. Here's a balut. This is about Filipino delicacies. I wanted to tell you about the developed bird eggs mentioned in the last side stories episode.

They talk about how some people eat developed whole eggs. I know it's disgusting. I think. It's balut. It's a fertilized, developing egg embryo that is steamed and eaten. The egg is usually from a duck. Oh.

And we went out to eat at this place called Buckhorn Gallery. It was me, Marcus, and Carolina. It's all weird meats, right? So, but Carolina got this plate of, it just looked like a fucking old-timey barbecue. It was just four quails, just a little pile. It was pretty sweet and kind of, I imagine it looks like this.

See, I know in most Asian countries, this is a street food. But for my mom, it is a special treat she indulges in once or twice a year. The experience of her eating this snack is surreal. She cracks a large egg almost ritualistically and then peels back the shell to reveal dark crimson and blue veins on the egg.

The egg is about the size of her little Filipino palm and smells meaty. And honestly, unlike anything I've ever smelled, she uses her nails to open up the egg completely, revealing the well-developed embryo of a baby duckling. The inside of a belute is juicy and wet. And the noises that come from my mother's mouth match that. It is repulsive and fascinating all at once.

I'm happy, you know, we are at the top of the food chain. Sure, I get it. The duckling has a little beak, a little feet and wings. Oh my God, I can't. And its eyes are developed by, covered by a thin film. All of this is eaten. Doesn't it hurt to eat a beak? I don't know.

The sound of soft bones being pulverized by human teeth is a special crunching noise that I feel would give Albert Fish a boner. The sucking of the embryonic fluids that were once meant to nourish the body of a baby duckling gives me many mixed feelings. There are plenty of ways to enjoy this Asian delicacy. People use lemon juice, vinegar,

and even fish sauce to enhance the flavor of belute. Okay, I'm not gonna judge different cultures. I just don't, I don't like to crunch little bird bones. I like to eat the chicken bone. Wait, do we do? Wait, do we have our tax haven in the Philippines? Then you'll grow to love it. All right.

I think we did it. All right, everyone, thank you so much. Again, side stories, LPOTL at gmail.com. Let us know and keep us informed for all the things we get wrong, but also let us know if we get right. If you could just everyone throughout, maybe an email about how we got something right.

Just one time. Just one time. The Butt Crack Bandit, I think we put right, I think we put the onus on the Butt Cracker to cover up something else and reveal something else but cover up the Butt Crack. I also have been told several times that it got the name of the lead singer of Anthrax

incorrect at the top of the Black Plague episode, but you know who I blame for that? Marcus. I actually thought that you were wrong because I interviewed Ian. Yes, why did anybody say to me? I just, sometimes. All of you question me.

I know. You all know better. Marcus knows better. I know, I think that we were just so, it doesn't, because it's, it doesn't matter. He's supposed to protect me. We're talking about the Black Death. He's supposed to protect his friend.

He's a lead singer. I'm sorry. He's supposed to protect his friend. Ian was very nice when I interviewed him. I bet. Okay. But I just want to say, live every day knowing, be ready to share your sunscreen.

Absolutely. Because you'll never know who you'll meet out there that it also is going to be burned by the sun. And honestly, only all just parts of the, we're just patches on the American quilt. Yes we are. We got to, laugh together as friends. Laugh as you've never met a man before.

Both of you laugh as you spread sunscreen all over his craggly body. And then you go and furiously wash your hands. If you don't know what's happened. We just got out of a global pandemic. I know, but I jumped right in. I'm right in. I'm a super spreader of some else.

And I'm going to give it to all of you. And guess what? You're a super spreader of? Love. Because when it comes down to it, isn't that the ultimate sexually transmitted disease? Love. Give it freely.

Give it as you can. Wrap it up though, because AIDS is still out there. But we also know now that Polish people are naturally immune to it. That is not true. Okay. Well thank you all so much for listening. Hope you're happy.

Always correct on the show. Always correct. Hope you're happy and safe and healthy out there. We can't wait to see you further on the road. And yeah, all right everyone. Hail yourselves. Hail Satan. My goosalations.

Hail me. And go eat a duck and stay away from whales I guess. I guess so. I guess so. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to,

go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.