Last Podcast On The Left - Side Stories: Your Cock Is Mine Now

Episode Date: January 14, 2021

Ben 'n' Henry break down this week's true crime news: a hacker locks an internet-connected chastity cage, Black Vault, Azealia Banks boils her dead cat, and MUCH MORE.Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0

There's no place to escape to. This is the last time on the left side stories Let me just do my daily prayer, you know, I hate grace. Oh, I hate that we do podcast a lot as well with my Ghost of Susima Ghost of Susima know is doing his make sure we're recording this thing. It is ghost of Susima now Kissel's working on his Shinto opening prayer Side stories. I really appreciate it. Did you record me? I was doing my prayer You are doing a sort of it's very interesting that mashup of alcoholism and Shinto was a I've tried January I'm it's all edibles and now Ghost of Susima. That's very good. I love the game

It's very good and I'm saying everything right so no one's making fun of me No, I said Ghost of Tushima and it was like it's Ghost of Susima. You're right and now I'm nailing it You are nailing it and I also wanted to commemorate today's episode because honestly Kissel. How long have we been friends? Oh my god, uh 14 years 14 years. I I'm unfortunate. I don't I Shouldn't have saved it for the show Oh, really because we were talking for like an hour before the show you could have done this I needed I needed to I needed to do it this way something you want to share. Okay, um, I Have been

burdened With a truth. Okay, I have not been able to share with anyone Should I start the show before you do this or when should we do you want to do it up top? I think I have to do it up top. Okay Okay, my name is not Henry Zabrowski Well, I've been calling you Henry Zabrowski for so long of many people the internet and many people your mom All those dozens of people seems like your parents named you that my real name. Uh-huh is Toronto

Mackenzie Unfortunately, this is not my accent Oh, well, really what's what's your real voice? Hey? That's it. That is my actual voice. I go hey And then I say How you say Welcome to side stories everyone how you say cucumber will Henry I'm gonna say real name Toronto Toronto. Go back to Henry Zabrowski

Okay, I guess I'll continue to play this character for longer. How you say cucumber Oh my goodness. Welcome to side stories once again, everybody. Hope you're doing well out there. We are uh, oh my goodness as a country Could we be any better off? We do want to say this. I submit that we could not We only we almost made it a week So we insurrection we're not gonna talk too much about the insurrection here although Henry and I were discussing yesterday We scoured the footage we looked at photographs after photographs after photographs as if we were finding out Trying to find out who killed JFK and what didn't we see at the Capitol riot? Now one last podcast on the left shirt, so thank you good work good work

Good work one piece of last podcast merch in the Capitol now one piece of last podcast merch is going to end up in the locker The only person waiting for the prisoner to one day wear it again ten years later after they got a prison The only way will happen again and mark my words 2058 Henry Zabrowski sovereign citizen fucking When the citizens army 2028 citizen army arrives at the Capitol steps I can only hope we will receive the same Cordial greeting that the last group did to just walk into the Capitol building and do whatever the hell They were the people on the Capitol steps were treated much like the comedy troupe Capitol steps

Just allowed to go in there and smear shit all over the walls The acapella styling I remember that capital steps the capital steps just such a fantastic facetious political I believe acapella group. I remember when everyone got Stampled a stampled trampled to death because they wanted to get in to see them perform because they were oh Mosey Pelosi the whole thing she wrote. It was just like weird thing about Pelosi's real something about her being Italian It's hilarious when they get to they remind calamari and oh my goodness Ben Ahari Hey, that'll work how you say cucumber well speaking of updates into just the wonderful world the wonderful country that we live in prosecutors in the Lori veil in the Lori Vallow and Chad Daybell case they have

brought charges of conspiracy To murder children They have brought those charges against Lori and Chad the kids are dead and now Lori and Chad are being charged with conspiracy But I don't believe they're being charged with murder They're being charged with conspiracy. They're being charged for thinking really hard about it thinking really hard But then the kids are dead. So why can't they just connect this dot? I don't know I can't they just just jump jump to conclusions and say they did it Yes, they simply just will not accuse them of murdering those kids

All right, something's in the water in Idaho. I don't know what it could be I guess it just takes a while To finally accuse somewhat of murdering their children after their children are dead But at this point we do know they conspired to kill the children and how sad would that be you're sitting there? You're conspiring. Oh, we're gonna kill these kids. How do I get how do I kill it? How do I kill and then he will kill and then someone comes in and undercuts you and kills your kids before you could kill your kids And you were working so hard on the map and you were working so hard connecting all the dots How am I gonna get away with it?

And now some random schlub some Joe schmoes are gonna come over and kill the kids that you were gonna kill honestly first of all number one I understand your rage. You've been waiting to kill these kids. They were your kids Absolutely not just waiting planning waiting and planning all the mental energy it takes to be in a conspiracy You have to make sure the doors close everyone's gotta have the soundproof headphones on but what's more important is the job has been done And now what you get to do is just sit back and relax and that's why I think that if you we're gonna plan on killing your kids But then someone else got to it. You know what you need to do what you need to take a trip to Margaritaville Margaritaville Absolutely speaking of Margaritaville these young men They were in Margaritaville and apparently what they found there was a pile of human bones

They really really excited place in Polk County, Florida one of the more beautiful counties. Oh It's not isn't that I'm just gonna go out there. I love I love We love our Florida listeners don't love our honestly I love Florida because Florida it's just as crazy as every other state of Florida with their sunshine laws They tell us the truth and how many times you've been on a date and it takes you five dates in to realize Oh, this chick probably has sex with corpses Florida date number one sentence number one I fuck dead bodies Let me know what you're coming from and then I can make a decision right off the bat

Am I buying them drinks? Are we gonna hang out? Maybe that's a one that stand or maybe it's a marriage The let me know the truth about you the woman does the woman that is building up Their way to destroy your life. Honestly, it's really fun in those first couple of weeks Absolutely because that's the mad at the manic fades But this story is about men this comes from Polk County, Florida this The one thing about Polk County is that it's one of the landlock counties in Florida, which is that's you need the beach You really need the beach to cut it Uh deputies found a shed with a religious shrine and seven skulls in it

This is in click Orlando comm so excited to go to Orlando, and I love that. It's called click Orlando comm What great stories are we gonna hear today? Oh these guys are stealing corpses because they think the energy of an army soldier It can be stronger than a non-army soldier You know stealing military bodies, but at least they have faith in our armed services. That is a good point So yeah, these men 43 year old Brian Montalvo told Tolentino and 39 year old Juan Burgos Lopez We're arrested in Polk County after deputies said that they broke into four separate graves Okay, and took body parts from each person inside was this a one-night event because let's be honest no grave grave robbing I know yes, I've obviously it's don't do it, but don't just not do it because it's illegal and immoral

But don't do it because it's hard. Yeah I mean the graves are just there all the time and when they get disturbed It's really easy to notice because yeah veterans grave that has been there for about 50 years And they busted it open with the crowbar as you can see the damage on this website It's like it's literally all fucked up But the way they found them was that one of them left a cigar at the they left a scar at a Previous grave robbing that they did where they traced the DNA to one of them They promptly flipped on his partner and basically what these guys were doing. This is a Paloma Yombe ritual, which we've

Recon we've talked about yeah, nauseam. Thanks to our doleful Constanso series But these guys they said straight up they wanted to go to veterans because they said they'd be super maybe much more powerful They didn't understand it probably be highly noticeable Well, you rob a grave and also I do I have to ask this question who does have more energy those who use that energy in life or Those who don't I would argue a veteran. They're dying in battle Oh, you mean to tell me we should we should use the corpses of people who are great at call of duty So they have the mind of a soldier mind of a body of a bag of Doritos

Absolutely. Well, that's kind of the point. They were working so hard energy exactly So maybe you need to dig up the graves of people who start on my 600-pound life Which is now been scooped by the thousand-pound sisters thousand-pound sips there's with honestly Which is sad because it should be if you really wanted to trump it if you really want to do can we get a pair of 1,400-pound sisters in here My 600-pound white my pick 600-pound life had like that had like 3600 pounds of people in it as we witnessed not just the collapse of our Republic we also witnessed the collapse of television. Do you think that is in? TLC the learning channel by the way the learning channel

I learned that little people can have a farm That's awesome, and you think it would be difficult for how tall horses are but then the name everything also comes in small So it all works out smaller horses. I didn't know man. I mean America's crazy We've learned a lot from how they filmed Lord of the Rings If you're in the you are an executive at TLC, do you just come up with the ideas of adding more weight? To the said people that are going to be the stars of your show Just be like which also implies if you're 600 pounds and you apply to become on to go on the show my 600-pound life They just reject you. Oh, yeah, and then now you're a defunct. It's the same thing with teen mom

You don't eat people got pregnant to try to get on teen mom They were just rejected you need a hook you needed a tiny you need a tiny sombrero You need to be addicted to pills. You got to eat toilet paper. You have to have something fun You have to have something fun My order is to get pregnant and then also get rejected and also get to 600 pounds and then get rejected It's hard man. It's a it's like being an Olympian. Yeah, you could have some people What about the 11th guy? Yeah, that are the swims were living and doesn't make it all the way through But he's still faster than fucking thousands of other people right beat us. He beat us absolutely

But I'm just as good as fucking him because both of us didn't go the Olympics. That's fun Absolutely, and neither of us had made any money doing anything with swimming Oh, actually, we probably saved money because he probably spent a lot of money going to swim me I've actually been approached to be on the United States bobbing team Where you just go into water and tread water and it's as long as you can it's as many beers as you can fit while floating You would be the other every time an Olympic event or every time the Olympics comes to a city They can pick an event. It's coming to Los Angeles. Do you know what they picked? What break dancing which kind of great? It's just gymnastics. Absolutely better music. Yeah, bobbin

When Poland gets the Olympics you wait until it's like bobbin for rocks Just bobbin is bobbin. Just straight up bobbin. We have here is long bobbin, which is also known as planking But you know what my pitch is because you know what they do for a lot of reality television shows the TLC is that they Will base a show on somebody that auditioned for another show They will find that person if they like you they like your personality, right? Then they'll find a new niche and here's my pitch 2,000 pound umpire That's a way you got to have a unique job and wait I'm out I love it my friend. Well speaking of grave robbing obviously these people in, Florida

They're going to be arrested or they have been arrested. He said straight up that the one of them said Lopez When he was questioned he said he referred to cemeteries as whole He referred to cemeteries as holy sites and shopping centers He said what's really hard is the United States is hard for him to get corpses for his religion and he blames us He's blaming the corporate takeover of America and I honestly think that's why it's important for Walmart to start getting to human skulls You know, it is a really interesting Accidental point Isn't it? Yes, isn't it about consumerism and where we are as a culture?

We are as a people can't even get a human fucking femur bone on eBay anymore Well speaking I can't even get a human femur bone speaking of oh and I was our thing I've come we have to talk about in Ganga still I just want to bring up really quick these what the video I saw of Azalea banks. Well, that's it so Azalea banks she has been in the news now and And she was in Miami and apparently people are mad because I guess she cooked her cat She really you're not supposed to do that. You know what? This is what cat was already dead So at least the cat wasn't alive. Is that good? I'm gonna that because we hear at last podcast than the left

They're gonna say we support Azalea banks no matter what happens. Well, we have to I do not I Don't want to be cursed by a sale of the bank's and I think that Azalea banks should be allowed if she really wants to She can obviously she is an adherent to Palo Mayone Bay She hasn't in Ganga you we've seen it on her Instagram and she did have that very it's I'm gonna say graphic video Them digging up a cat and then and then boiling it you see all the meat kind of fly off of it and all that kind of stuff And I just want to say really normal good for her for recycling her cat. You say you call him So this is what the rapper had to say about her very normal rational rational totally normal thing to do And it's her cat

You know what I'm not gonna make we actually physically can't make fun of her because Marcus parks has done this same exact shit At a restaurant that used to be called Creek in the cave in New York City He did the same exact thing inside of an operational place All right. Well, this is what the rapper had to say she says because some people have been like don't do that That's bad. You know, you know social media could kind of be a little bit of a woke mob. Yeah, whatever So people are mad at her, but this is what she said she says the cat went out the cat went out with a fucking bang Taking my bitch to my Course she's taking the cat to Miami in an in Ganga the in Ganga has the cat skull

It has a bunch of what seems to be rum and whiskies and stuff looks to be some weapons and a hundred dollar bill So that means she's asking for protection. She's asking for money money money money And she wants to get hammered I guess she does like well, she's doing that for whoever is the spirit inside of the in Ganga She obviously has been working towards it Maybe but you know, she might be not be trying to create utter chaos She might just be trying to make more money and trying to you know amplify her voice It is definitely a way to amplify her voice because it seems to get a lot of people talking about his alia banks every single time She boils a cat

She did cut through the noise didn't she did so in the in Ganga She has a four-bedroom house I can imagine every bedroom smelled just like one bedroom that had you know the cat skull in it It the in Ganga had peacock feathers a bottle of champagne $100 and a mostly empty bottle of Chanel number five, which I have to say this I'm a spirit. I can destroy everything Mm-hmm. You're gonna fucking give me a spritz of Chanel number five. You're not gonna get me a full bottle I smell like death. She might be using it Richard Ramirez's

gingivitis come to Life, why wouldn't you give me a full bottle of Chanel number five? She might be too much for she might be trying to be elegant She might have a skull or bone connected to somebody that she knows liked Chanel number five And she might be using that as a way to communicate with a spirit that is connected through the in Ganga as a way To give that spirit something familiar to hold on to I also again We will never mock the great as the alia banks and please God don't curse us go Don't curse please don't curse us whatever take actually I'll take the if I can get the thinner thing

But then but for a month and then I give it to somebody give it to somebody else That'd be really cool. It's go like just come up to me in touch being good networks and then you're trapped on Exactly, then you're just on Superstore, and you're just like one of the crates. That's what happens That would be that's a big success. Honestly, that is a great success But as alia banks has a bit of a history of we're just gonna say Being contrarian She she camped outside of Elon Musk's and Grimes house She's scared fans by writing on Instagram. I think I will end my tenure here on earth soon

Very scary. I don't want you to commit suicide as alia banks. I don't want you to do it I want you to be strong use that in Ganga and power up your hip-hop career Well, this is what the apparently she sings a song called big big beat. I'm so stupid. I don't know anything I don't know. I love I love big big beat. It's a great song Honestly is alia banks use your in Ganga to make a romantic connection with Ben Kissel. Yeah, that's honestly Will you marry is alia banks and bring her into the fold? I'll do whatever it takes great This is what she said on on Instagram after you know, look, I'm gonna call it cat fluffle cat kerfluffle She says we got our ticket out of California

Through all the tears and suffering and wildfires and gender identity crisis. The girl is the girls And then she says in all capitals, I made it out of hell Miami, USA Let's go Miami's great. I like Miami. I like Miami. She's just I don't know man There's a lot more polo mayonbe in Miami. Yeah, all I know is is she aware that she might not like cats Or maybe she did love this cat so much But in Miami, there's a pit bull and if he ends up in here in Ganga She's gonna get charged with murder cuz he's a DJ but now pit bull

What's his things he guys is he the one who goes? Oh? Or who's the one DJ Khaled's the one who says his name over and over again DJ Khaled Yeah, he just says that he says that over and over again, but that's called contributing That's like when you do you just start talking Hi, my name is head and you're interrupting me Ben This story is all about we're gonna talk of this Okay, that's a song that's me producing you. Oh wow. Oh That's what we've been doing all these years

Alright everyone. Well, let's move on to Something I it's not equally but it is out of this world And I guess I guess I zeal your banks and what she's doing is actually very much in this world But let's talk UFOs because we must oh you want to jump Let's jump and then we'll go into some of the goofier stories because we also have a story about a man who had sex with a Corpse in front of that corpses family and believe it or not They were not happy, but let's get to our UFO news because honestly this is coming in hot This is fast and it's really interesting. They were upset. Um this story comes from

This is from reddit conspiracy. None of this is necessarily backed up by any information whatsoever and again This is what I told Henry before the show when you go into reddit conspiracy tether yourself to like WWE Network or tether yourself to like ESPN real something real so then you like Reel it back in after you get too deep and two stone. I will say they're real torn over there right now They don't really know what they're asked from their elbows I think I would say I would even go as far as to say that these conspiracy theorists aren't getting along. They are There's a lot of infighting

They don't know who the where the coup is and who the coup was and who's doing the coup and the word coup It's happening so often on our conspiracy that it gets to a point where I'm just gonna start saying coop And I wanted to rhyme with soup You know what I could have me so much better if there was some sort of soup based conspiracy going on because they just Let them into the capital building the cops were in on it and so was the government So let us just go on to this story. This comes from a quote-unquote whistleblower This is someone that I don't know whether or not this is real, but it points towards other shit that is coming out This is according to the sites founder John Greenwald, Jr.

apparently he's been doing this stuff since the 1980s and For him you would think this is a really big A moment he was one of the people who filed a four-year respite a four-year request for this information Of course, that's the freedom of information act and it only took a poultry 20 years to get it That's it. That's it. No because black vault has now opened the CIA is opening their entire black vault of UFO Document documentation. I'm gonna again it comes from the CIA. So can you trust them? No But at least you can see what they have and what they consider to be highly sensitive documents and when even if it even if it is a lie or even if it is a

Sort of an alteration of the thing that they actually found or the truth But you still would glean some information from it Well, I think it's important as people that are interested in this topic is to see what the people quote-unquote secretly investigating it are also interested in so you can see how they what they do is they send out What seems to be they just they collect any single thing that has something to do with either UFOs So you'll see stuff from like the weekly world news in there. You'll see stuff that is Heavily debunked then you'll see like credible quote-unquote in-house memos that people talking about UAPs That was my favorite part of men in black. I call it a documentary

Okay, but one of the things that I did think was probably a little bit truthful was when they look at the weekly world news for the news Because they hide the And I mean that would make a lot of sense I was just about to go as far as to say you wonder whether or not the CIA keeps tabs on their Disinformation as they go and see what has been you could start looking at their What doesn't what sticks what doesn't stick? What are people interested in what facets of the UFO story or people obsessed with? What are ways that we can either manipulate that information in order to convince you of something that is not real for our own purposes? or what can we do to

stick Real bullshit in places that you can't find it or you won't know it because everything else around it is so insane And then I suppose if you do find that one piece of truth This is how they can also then ironically call you a quack, right? Cuz they're like well if you believe that then you must believe all these other other bullshit extrapolate on your beliefs for you And then before you know it you haven't had a chance to talk and everyone's just laughing at you There is your pants fall down and you walk out of the room like all good ufologists You don't you dare malign the good name of satin Friedman

When we are egg-shaped egg-shaped men their pants fall down without their choice and guess what is quarantine making us less egg-shaped No, we are continuing deeper into ovoid shapes. So you're you're gonna me to gravity Is that what you're saying? You are you are taking down a scientific fact. I am sick of gravity nor else. I'm sick of warmth Good good feeling of warmth. So you want your perfect world as you just floating in cold That'll be me one day when I'm deep inside cyberspace in just a form of my own mind Lawnmower man remake lawnmower man. By the way, that movie is awesome. So Greenwald But this is what he had to just just really quick when it comes to getting this information

And this is why this guy he's been again busting his weird I can imagine weird little body for a long time trying to get this stuff. He said around 20 years ago He says quote I had fought for years to get additional UFO records released from the CIA. He says it was like pulling teeth I went around and around with them trying and trying to do so Finally achieving it. I received a large box of a couple thousand pages And I had to scan them in one page at a time. So what a horrible That sucks to be a nerd you're just giving a bunch of shit because they do that on purpose They're like go have fun with it

It's exactly it's like when you have to pay like a thousand dollars to the bank and you pay in all pennies Yes, like it's such a fuck you where it's like, yeah, there you go. There's two There's ten thousand documents scan every single one Make sure you get them back to us. There's another story that came out of reddit conspiracy Which is this someone knows somebody at the quote-unquote NOAA and for those of you don't know who the NOAA is yeah We'll move it it is the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. Oh, okay. This is a US government This is not this isn't like an alien offshoot group. This is a federal group Okay, they say they know this and what I like about this conspiracy theory is that because it's so specific like saying the NOAA is a

fun specific very small government agency that maybe or you know, it's a a To the side it's not a main government agency. I don't mean to malign anybody No, it's very important Also, if you are a member of the NOAA and can speak to any of this side stories LPOTLGmail.com But apparently there's in your career there is email us now drew in your career Come on disclose disclose There's some chatter that apparently this disclosure concept is going to be coming out soon And the the main thing which we talked about a little bit when we talked about the director from the phenomenon

We said that was such a great interview for our patreon. Thank you all for giving to our patreon Thank you, but he basically points towards whatever. It's gonna come out of UFOs. I The next couple years that I think is going to be USOs. We're gonna be talking a lot about ocean-based Shit that is going to talk about and what this person is is talking about this first of all alluding to this Russian submarine Incident that happened. I mean again, all of this is just actual fun conspiracy theory, right? The story came out in July of 2019. I don't remember hearing about this But I remember this hitting the news and it was just one of those blip blips, which was 14 sailors died on a secretive Russian nuclear submarine

Okay, Putin called it this incident to great loss He said apparently it was this top secret Russian submarine It had a fire on the inside of it and all the crew died. That's a horrible way to die Yeah, absolutely, especially because you're also dying in a highly secret way, which means then your body just disappears Right. Nobody is gonna talk about it whatsoever. You think if it's a fire on a submarine open the window Put the fire out. You are simply America's humorist Ben kiss me. I

Just can't wait to read your oh god Well, you know what I'm gonna do an article for a local newspaper called sundries. I love it. You know what I'm gonna call my book Ben don't break. That's a pun. That's hi. Wow Wow That was they say according to this whistleblower, this was a conspiracy through that was a fake story Oh, that was the end die. No, they did not what they did die But apparently the NOAA this is conspiracy theory has now had thousands of incidents of contact with these underwater underwater beings and then it's fairly common knowledge amongst certain departments and roles in the organization

to basically there's people saying that there is shit going down the fucking at the bottom of the ocean and the Possibly happen to the submarine or something that happened to submarine is that they essentially were Investigating a reptilian stronghold at the bottom of the ocean or some type of stronghold and they went on their reptile Can they breathe underwater? They have suits. They have reptiles suits. They have suits castle. Okay, first of all You're gonna make it up So far why not just make it an aqua creation that that wouldn't need to wear a suit But that's from turn. That's TMNT. That's teenage me ninja girls. Those are enemies from the I had the toy

I actually had the toy that you're talking about suits imply Technology and of course the only person that's seen the bottom of the ocean is the great director James Cameron our favorite director What just unbelievable our old best friend James Cameron? We've been shouting outside of his house for months being like give us a movie role Avatar painted him all blue. Oh, yeah, dude My fucking hair all matted with all the fucking temper paint that we got like was from it was like from Michaels Yeah, yeah, I remember slathered with it Just fucking shouting and coughing all over his front door. He loves it. Oh apparently he hasn't come out

He said quote get out of here, and I guess that's the name of a new movie or something I don't have sex with Sandra Bullock. Whoa, actually, I don't know if he's married to Sandra Bullock and actually he'd be very lucky If you did absolutely. Oh my I just saw Jesse James in a picture. Oh big mistake, buddy Probably should have stuck with Sandra there bud, but this is who knows They're saying that the NA the NOAA has had experiences and apparently they swim around they literally are around these several areas several weird-ass Fucking species of alien life because guess what kissle what they're not alien. They live here They live under the ocean like Sebastian. Hey, man, you know who the F knows

There's that there's that story and the nice thing is instead of having to like James Cameron get a a Small one-person submarine. We're polluting the ocean so much. They're coming to us because they're like We can't there's not enough oxygen. Oh my god. It's fern gully all over again. Oh, look at that There's another story Well, I don't want to talk just one one second about how they how mr. Greenwald got this information and how difficult it is So the CIA this is from 2020 because they are the peak Technological agency in the United States government. They gave him a CD-ROM

Containing everything. Oh, it makes sense. Oh, no, definitely. I had to go to the DMV for something and I had to download a PDF That I have to print and then mail to them It's like dealing with your grandmother and trying to get her a Christmas card because she won't open the fucking email Anyway, he says quote this is Greenwald. He says the CIA has made it incredibly difficult to use their records in a reasonable manner They offer a format that is very outdated. It's a multi-page t if and offer text file outputs Largely unusable that I think they intend to have That they have people using quote as search tools in my opinion this outdated format makes it very difficult For people to see the documents and use them for any research purpose

So there's kind of like we'll give it to you, but it's gonna be extremely difficult to read It's gonna be real old technology. It's gonna be a colossal pain in the ass. How bad do you want it? That's what they do and they make you dig you got a fight for that inch And that's why that at any given Sunday should have been about ufologists versus these so-called foosball players football players Go pack go. I just feel like any if anybody had a serious job where they they were called players Oh, oh You're sitting on your flat ass Talking into a microphone. Mm-hmm. I'm an American Patriot. I'm American Patriot

I'm so fucking happy none of you. I'm so have no shirts. No t-shirts at the Capitol. Good. We did it We made a fan base intact very nice good good work Well, and all but there's another story that came out two years ago that also is that one of those weird things It's another one of those random ass Conspiracy stories then kind of line up with this story So this is another one that says I work for the NOAA and straight up murder mermaids are fucking real, dude No way that sentence isn't completely true. I'm looking at the website that you're looking at my eyes over. It's bright red Very strange small white lettering. How do I?

Speaking of how difficult it is to consume this information It must be done on purpose Almost like when you make when you get somebody super tired and then you then you like see like how well can you drive now? Looking at that website makes me Cringe it makes me slightly nauseous and just to get past that and consume any information is a feat but no this comes from an art this comes from our conspiracy post that the only reason why I'm reading and it's because It's interesting to see whoever is doing this whether it's all fake or not They are kind of stringing some fun ideas together in 2012. There was an incident of a few beached whales

They were investigated by NOAA and a team from the Navy. That was his last podcast on vacation. Hey, come on y'all leave us alone I got 50 SPF on At first they thought what's weird is that they found these cylinders cord out of these Whales and they said they thought it was weird again. Don't know if a single shred of this is real great whales are real the whale part The animal of a way. Yeah, the whale animal is real the truth But they didn't know what the hell was going on But I've told apparently they long story short

They said they found irrefutable evidence of an advanced humanoid species living under our oceans using what is called a multi-beam Sonar we found their dwelling areas and also would appear to be underwater Underwater vehicles of some kind the creatures themselves were tracked by the Navy over the course of two weeks using a submersible equipped with a special deep sea With a special deep sea observation equipment the creatures displayed speeds of 70 plus knots faster than the sailfish They were also recorded emitting sounds of resembled marine communications and instruments also captured the emissions of precision Sonar blasts that damaged the hull of a submersible Well, and there you go folks. There is no way that's not real because somebody wrote it down someone hit Yeah, love it put that to my website and it's all there for you to read

I love it. They have a glow around their entire body They look at computer animation according to an officer that saw footage of the creatures including juveniles, right? They look nothing like including juveniles. Does that give it more credibility? I don't know. I don't fuck They don't have a fish tail. They're completely humanoid but extremely thin and tall Oh lucky the bodies were covered in a material resembling elemental mercury. It looked like it was moving They were very Interested in the submersible and seemed to know they were being observed as a few times They would swim off and come back with more creatures

We observed a max five of them at once varying sizes, but otherwise identical to appearance their eyes were completely white There was no visible hair nor any features that imply implied male female the dark about ding-dongs or hoo-ha's whoa We flashed sequences of lights at them sounds and even extended a robotic arm on the submersible to try and get some kind of physical Sample slash DNA from the specimens better watch out because they did that in Russia, too They got zapped be very careful And we don't know what they were how they were swimming as they weren't waiting or moving their bodies like a fish or even like how a Human would move it or they were simply just capable of moving rapidly in any direction. It's interesting again fake But who knows I like to do it, but this is not fake that is not a video

This is another one. I'm pointing at my finger. You can't see me. This is not fake. This is fucking legit Well, they just described get a Gwyneth Paltrow by the way She's got nipples. I've see I've not masturbated to it honestly Shakespeare in love the only good part of that movie I love that movie. It's okay when I was the lonely boy before I realized it's just better to be alone I used to really like Shakespeare in love But you know things change as you adult So this is look this up the DHS you if this is UFO of the east coast of Aguadilla in Puerto Rico Look this up. This is about in 2013 more second

It's from an airplane where they showed an object that kept the plane from landing and it is fucking legit It's scary as fuck. Okay. How do people get there? Let's just get a look it up the UFO off the coast of Aguadilla UFO off the coast of Aguadilla in Puerto Rico in Puerto Rico Okay, because go down there and you could see the orb go into the ocean with fucking dope And it goes right back out does that lose speed? It's fucking wild It's one of the wilder UFO videos I've seen in a while. It's like three and a half minutes. All right. Check it out All right, so let's move on to a different story involving penises

Okay, can we get to something that we all know for effect is real all I know My job is to keep the people informed of the real news We'll not get distracted by the blame stream media Don't put your dick in a bunch of things that has a tie to an app. That's all I'm gonna say about this Yes, so a hacker took control of a dude's cock basically when he When the dude put his penis in one of these like boner things and the hacker told the guy your cock is mine That is a direct quote. He said your cock is mine now Your cock is mine and so in October of last year security researchers found that the manufacturer of an internet

Chastity cage. It's a sex toy as you can imagine. It's not something that you do taxes with I don't think everything has to be explained to us that much We know that it's a cage for your balls and as a thing. Yes, absolutely It's not like going to college so the victim asked to be identified only as Robert He put a scotch in this thing and then he received a message from a hacker demanding of payment of 0.02 Bitcoin which is around $750 today to unlock the device so you want to seven hundred fifty bucks basically in via Bitcoin

This is as if this is like real-life jigsaw. This is real-life saw But instead of having to like fish a key out of your stomach with a fishing wire You have to give this guy Bitcoin to get your cock back. Yes, but he's it wasn't even on his dick What do you mean? It wasn't he said that he had it was locked But his he was not on it. Oh While this happened Robert said it wasn't even on it He just watched it lock and in front of him and you heard of I guess a voice can come out of it This is like your cock is mine now when you couldn't see the cock and couldn't register that the cock wasn't inside of it

This is according to what I I guess this is extremely common another victim who only wants to go by the name RJ I love the shame. Yeah, although at the same time don't have shame who cares show us how it works He says I wasn't the owner of the cage anymore So I didn't have full control over the cage at any given moment and don't put it on your penis, please Almost every company and their product. This is according to Alex Lomas. He is a security researcher He says almost every company and product is going to have some kind of vulnerability in its lifetime Maybe not as bad as this one, but something he says it's important that all companies have a have a way for researchers to contact them and That they keep in touch with them

So it's anything touching my balls or if anything was touching your pussy or your butthole Just don't let it have access to the internet unless you know everybody who is on a chain Certainly not somebody who was fiending for Bitcoin because as we know you push an animal against a wall That animal is gonna bite and this guy he wanted that frickin Bitcoin one of that and he'll kill it and he'll kill for it for it Alright, well so that story I guess it's not in his cock So that is what it is but be careful Don't put it on your cock and the other story that I thought was kind of fun because you know we've been talking about Exercising and Ronnie all we do we have a little bit because people keep on finding corpses. I know that's right

There's like that's how we've been talking about exercising is the term of corpse fighting. Yes, but anyway We almost had something similar to a corpse finding here recently This is according to the BBC a human foot was found by a woman She was running and she found this human foot and she called the police as as you should do But it turns out it was just a potato It turned out to be a potato quote after a large scale Please search a dog walker in Gateshead. They sent the officers the photo the officers were like yep Now it looks like that right there's gotta be a foot. I can tell on him. You must got the fucking eyes

The kid you see it. They're like what sometimes feed have acne So the woman found what was supposed to be a foot it turned out to be a potato And then the police said if it does turn out to be a vegetable our police dogs will say thank you for the treat Although I don't think the dogs like raw potatoes. Yeah, they're just gonna eat a raw potato. Actually, I don't think dogs can eat potatoes No, I think dogs can eat potatoes. They can't eat a few they can't I'm gonna type it up canned dogs Eat. Yeah, actually do that. I do that. I search canned dogs dot dot dot constantly Well, the saddest that I asked one time cuz you know be like oh you ever do that where you ask Like you're like hammered or nice at night and you like look at your phone

You go like how can I tell if a dog loves me like I remember looking at the very beginning of like getting Wendy And then all of a sudden my quora. Do you remember quora? I still get emails 80 times a day for more Sadder and sadder and sadder just been like is it okay to cry is it okay? It's so weird can dogs eat potatoes. Let's see what the answer is canned dogs eat potatoes Don't let your dog eat any raw potatoes. Whoa Potato plants. Whoa Don't shit. It's one of the most dangerous foods a dog can eat. No if you eat a potato. It's got to be cooked

Holy hell. They got to be cooked. No raw potatoes. I know that they're not I mean technically We give Wendy like little tiny bits of french fries if it's cute. That's cooked. That's deep-fried. That's more than cooked It's better than cooked. It's deep-fried. It's cute and she likes it absolutely, but yeah, that's not a treat Good work, you called the British and speaking of foreign news foreign news Henry I see that you finally got the TV show that you pitched finally see that you finally got it to go to air You know, I love proud of you You know my big thing is Henry Zabrowski. His big break was always gonna be in European children's television Because you know what they just got different rules over there. They have no they have these same rules

Do they they're a little bit more like They're a little bit more lax on age. Have you read this article? Yes, I read the article this is I don't know how to describe with this show is this is this came out last week This is from the Guardian Denmark launches children's TV show about a man with a giant penis But he this is a story this is it's based up It's a character named John Diller month because apparently Diller is term for penis over there It's like schlong or something and Diller month means penis man

He is a big big old penis. They repeatedly call it Extraordinary, it's extraordinary and then it can perform rescue operations Edge murals hoist a flag and even seal ice cream the problem children I don't like that necessarily But the whole thing is that it's all about how They were trying to find a way To teach children about how to be appropriate with your penis. This is true Okay, this is the this is comes from the Danish equivalent of the BBC. Well, and again when we say children the program is directly aimed at

4 to 8 year olds very young maybe maybe 9 to 12 year olds Maybe I don't know when you start really I don't know kind of it says the whole show is supposed to be about The struggles and the hardships of a man with the world's longest penis I want the story. I got the world's smallest violin. I'm playing right now I just don't know it's the idea is that He did his penis does all these fun things like goes to the store and does all these adventures But then it's chastised when it's naughty, right? So the the idea is that the it's supposed to

It's supposed to be a parable about how a man needs to have control over his naughty naughty penis Okay, well, this is according to a Danish author What she says is this really the message we want to send to children world well? We're in the middle of a huge me-too wave But I have to say if it is doing as you just said Henry teaching him to control said massive Hwang perhaps that is a good thing, but the thing is that one up When a penis is naughty tell me honestly sit me down like the fire Oh, may I have some chili while you tell me this story? Oh, this is your famous poor chili. Thank you

Please my huge son Um, you see when a man's penis is naughty like let's say it steals ice cream from a sheriff I do that sometimes yes, you know how your penis does that sometimes you just need to give it a little speck Yeah, it goes back to its home, which is your pants But this isn't the type of stuff that they're saying so this is like one like one of the producers came up This is a a criminal. This is a clinical psychologist who works with children on the this person believes that the show's opponents Maybe overthinking things because obviously it's it's getting a lot of heat with over here and over there John Dayler meant tax to children on Charles's third way of thinking and kids do find Jenna

Tells Fanny the show depicts a man who is impulsive and not always in control who makes mistakes like kids do But crucially Delamond always makes it right He takes responsibility for his actions when a woman in the show tells him that he should keep his penis in his pants For instance, he listens, which is nice. He has a countable You know that is nice and how many times have you seen somebody jerking off in front of you and you just said my goodness I wish you would have watched this cartoon so you would know put it in your pants. I feel like thank you, mr CK Honestly, though, I'm ready to be number seven on your television show sir number seven Christian Grosz does not share the same sentiment as

Urla He says it's perpetrating. This is a quote. It's perpetrating the standard idea of a patriarchal society and Normalizing quote locker room culture that's been used as an excuse a lot of bad behavior for men It meant to be funny. So it seems this arm It's so it's seen as harmless, but it's not and we're teaching this to our kids Well, I have to say this I played sports and locker room culture fucking bragging No, I'm just saying locker room culture is not there's nothing to do with women because it's usually just about boys I'm looking at each other and then doing weird stuff and then taking big dumps and then smelling the dumps and then being like

Oh, that's a really dumb. Yeah, it's all spanking each other with towels and washing each other and practicing doing late-night Practices and you got the coach over there and he's giving everybody cigars and especially in wrestling because you have to weigh everybody at the end of each Or at least before a meet so everyone's nude and everyone's waiting in line to hit the scale and there's not a thought of a woman in our minds It's all man. It's all man all the time. I I hate it. I'm so glad you actually missed out on a lot of locker room stuff It's all dudes doing dudes stuff is you know, it's hot I'm hot in a way It is it is if you were in that situation and you found it hot it would be very hot But I always hung out with the girls because I like you can't be in their locker room. No, no, no

But the I was in theater. So we were all in each other's dressing rooms We had dressing rooms, which is funny. We had dressing rooms were all about being dressed But everybody's nude in them and a locker room is like another type of thing where it's just like you were just surrounded by dudes I wanted to be with the girls because I like girls better than boys So why I actually take a little bit of offense to this whole locker room There's a lot of things that happen in locker rooms a lot of growth a lot of growth But what's worse locker room culture or your glamorous theater dressing room culture? I would say the dressing room culture has probably seen more acts of violence than the locker room

Well now we found out a lot we've learned a lot about Los Angeles culture Haven't we over the last couple of years, but this is different because it's what's hard It's because they're saying anybody who says this is one of those like weird thought tricks where they're like anybody who says that this show Could possibly be miscontrude for having sexual undertones It projects old adult ideas on it and you should feel shameful for thinking about how you feel weird about looking at that Man's cartoon snake like penis to having a bunch of like fun adventures This is why my poems were to the sky when it comes to the cutie that Netflix show cuties Oh, don't I'm not talking about it. I it's not for me. I don't want to think I ever want to watch it

I didn't look at it. I don't care. I just my fingers just slid Right past it right to the Unbelievable Netflix series. We are the champion. I love we've talked about this on the show already But this is what I do like is there's another This is another response from television Danish television from the latest criticism criticism by saying it Just as easily could have been a program about a woman with no control over her vagina Meanwhile, everyone got really mad last week with two weeks ago

We did rock terrio part three when we talked about the woman's uterus falling out of her doing the huge scoot I would like to see maybe it would be different if a fucking prolapsed vagina fell out of a woman in a Cartoon and just the ends for you uterus. We're doing all sorts of shenanigans. I'll watch that show. Sure Well, mr. Zabrowski, we loved your idea about big kick a big cock Johnson talking about how he made mistakes and he's learned How to handle it a lot of mistakes this pussies show though. That's actually gonna be green lit for a movie Yeah, now you are a television author and you are a movie author You're a multiple writer my friend because that's what happens when a woman puts up a tent You know like in a minute direction with women. It's when their vaginas are doing their uterus

As we of course we do this show you have sort of like three brains going on You have what you're saying what you want to say and then once you said what you wanted to say Then you also think about ramifications in real time and every day I'm like in the matrix, but it's for like what I like to say about a woman's uterus I just feel like we've somehow managed to stumble upon problematic territory. I don't even we're just talking about a show I have no clue theoretically should be innocent But I guess it's not because it's directed at four and eight year olds and I suppose if I was The father and I walked in on my son being like why you're watching that big I just don't know how I feel

I just feel you know what whatever just happened to a freaking Barney Barney Tony sucked Barney taught me so much Mr. Rogers taught me so much the wood to tell it to be stopped people whatever just happened to let your kids watch pet cemetery You know what I mean? Maybe that's what happened to a zeal of a zeal of banks. Don't ever say too young. I like what she does I love what she does though. I like what you do And also just real quick. We actually got a lot of fantastic. Oh, we got a lot of fan fantastic Emails from people that are OBGYNs talking about uterine prolapses and the main thing that I got back is girls Gotta do them tackles. Oh, okay. Yes, or you do with you because I that's the thing

I had this while you're see me when I got eel dick when the inlining of my fucking dick fell out of the top My penis and I do all that ad work to reel it back in you are so fucking disgusting. Oh Do not stand up Henry is now doing something physics. It's a physical act out at this point now. We hit. Okay. Thank you for that There is the eel dick. I just didn't know that men. I didn't know that humans could get red rocket. Yeah This is discussed that is honestly truly disgusting, but this actually comes from our dear all this also I want to say where I'm vindicated this comes from our dear Our dear friend Ellie who's a geologist

You're gonna try to make something that you're gonna try to do something like scientific with this apparently poop does turn rocks All right, it's time for hero of the week everyone lights wow Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Isn't that fun? The smarter you get and the more educated you get you're still just surrounded by shit Everywhere. All right. It's time for hero of the week This week's hero of the week Reminds us of little us's it's a 12 year old kid. His name is Kale Bell. He has gotten in some trouble Why did he get in trouble? Well because he threw a rave in his school's bathroom. What an awesome dude So no one really came to it, but there's a bunch of pictures of the 12 year old DJ

He held the event in the toilets of Manchester St. Antony's Catholic College He invited all boys from the year 8 to attend the set included a 30 minutes of freshly mixed bangers alongside complimentary refreshments and Cadbury twirls this boy has a future Congratulations, I'm with that DJ equipment is fucking incredible. It really is incredible picture of him He's so sad. He's just like in trouble in the fucking So his mother Louisa Bell she seems to be handling all of this Very well

I actually because if I find out my kid did this up like you're so freaking adorable, but let's let's wait Let's not do in a bathroom and hopefully six years from now You don't want to be a DJ because it's only cute when you're 12, but this is what she says. She says this is the mom She says am I wrong for finding this funny which reminds me of my mother She used to cuss constantly every time I got in trouble not every time but a lot of times She'd be like that's kind of funny like when my friend Jared faked the seizure. Oh, of course. I was like well It's kind of theatrical. It's pretty humorous She always had my back if it was just funny enough, so I love this mom

So she says yeah, am I wrong for finding it funny? I had to laugh It's been a terrible year and I couldn't be angry with my son for trying to spread some cheer when I got the call It made perfect sense Kale had been up dressed and ready to leave for school early that morning which was unheard of in our house He's so good. I love this 12 year old. Yeah He's so ready to go dead. She says he had the biggest smile on his face So I knew he was up so I knew he had something up his sleeve I asked him why he was so happy and he told me they were having a rave in school

And he was indeed the Reading the room dude pumping it up also if anybody can explain to us what a DJ does side stories LP OTL gmail.com we had a pretty extended if we had a pretty extensive conversation before the show where we all realized we don't know what a DJ does Yeah, that's I'll be honest. We just don't so side stories LP. Oh, it's this help explain a side story So explain to me email.com if you're a DJ we're not gonna read this on the air because I think it's boring a lot of people This is for my personal information. Anyway, Kale's dad thought it was also hilarious

Hysterical and he said quote go on son So we did have they did say we did have a conversation about whether or not we should be angry But how could we be so there you go? There you good work trying to spread a little joy in the bathrooms Kale back? Well, that sounds weird Here of the week for throwing a rave. All right, let's do a letter. Oh, here we go Oh, we got a lot of really good responses people talking about apparently it is not pica Which is what I said last time it is pica is what you call when someone has unusual cravings. Oh, okay Um, so this was a letter that came from a formally pregnant. Now a mother

No, maybe not. I don't know it could go either way back in early 2018 I was heavily pregnant with my daughter at this stage My blood pressure was getting pretty high and the doctors were getting worried for mine and the baby's safety One day I was reading a beauty magazine when I saw an advert for a makeup sponge My mouth started to water at the mere sight of it I was a bit weirded though. Nothing of it until I realized that I had the very same type of sponge on my makeup bag I retrieved it. It was clean. I put it in my mouth and it was so very Satisfying really chewing on it sucking on it felt wonderful

I chalked it up to a weird pregnancy moment clean the sponge and put it to one side of the scotch Did I put it with the one side to discard? I Told my husband he thought it was funny a few days later though I found myself craving the thing again and this time Torret two pieces still didn't swallow it though week or so later My husband gave me a different brand of beauty sponge to replace to chew it up when I had thrown away It was not satisfying. Whoa sugar-free one particular brand of sponge Otherwise, I wouldn't be happy. She wants that sriracha sponge. I guess so

He fixed this he bought me two of his funger preferred and I happily went to bed chomping on the thing as I went to sleep Oh, that's a nice husband. It's very mean honestly. You just roll with it You have you got to these episodes went on until I had our daughter by C-section in April 2018 And once she was there the craving vanished immediately. Oh, so strange interesting. Well, that's not I mean, hey, that's that's good. I'm happy They say they eat they say when Pete you're pregnant you eat things like pickles and ice cream It's kind of weird or sponges There was also a lot of people who said they got absolutely Sickened by the story of the the other pregnant woman on the show when we were talking about a last week's episode of last podcast

And left saying that they ate all the vacuum dust. Oh, that was so that was our polyphagia episode I have undyed. I have undiagnosed pika all my life I'm absolutely compelled to eat dusty things like dry unused clean clay style cat litter Terracotta Crayola sculpting clay wood ash and sticks of chalk It's like something comes over me as I start and I zone out and when I come back I've eaten a lot of clay or ash Sticks of chalk is easier because I'll just have one stick. It's already a pre portion thing I try to stay away from all of it because it's not food, but it's tricky

Something about a texture that sucks all the moisture off the tongue and that kind of process poison taste It's like sucking on a battery. I love it. Wow Okay, that's I mean hey no harm no foul I'll just be safe because at some point I would assume your body is like that's not good for me, but okay Yes, this shit's really it's very very often these people we do I work at a camp for people with disabilities We had a few campers who had had pika as well as Prader-Willie syndrome Prader-Willie syndrome is another one where kids eat neat Neat, and they don't feel hungry. They don't feel full satisfied ever so

When a camper I couldn't remember this camper I remember who had asked about our next meal literally at least twice every minute one night We had a dance at the dining hall and we all had watermelon earlier that day I found this camper reaching to the garbage and stuffing the watermelon rinds into our pockets for later It was something it constantly needed to be monitored. I even heard once about a client My mom knew who had pw syndrome who had gone to a basketball came without his mother He ended up eating so much because there was no one there to tell him and he died from his stomach exploding Oh my god

Movie seven it is but that's just one of those stories, and we'll cover more varied stories next week Oh, right interesting well Thank you all so much for listening to this week's side stories 2021 is off with a literal bang, and it's only gonna get better. It must I'm really excited for the second half of this year I'm already thrilled we have some tour dates coming out that we're gonna tell you about sure and of course we have our weedline coming out Yeah, thank you all so much for taking our survey and yeah We'll keep you updated on all the things and I talked about we talked about a little bit about this But we're probably not going to have an official

Donation mark on this March just because it's too late But what we are going to do is we kiss all night are gonna give some of this a weed money to some form of charity So we want to find somebody that people that are helping people get out of jail for marijuana specifically for drug crimes People that are sentenced and you know should not be there We want to have you got so you know a charity or if you know even a lawyer group something ACLU Send it away something hyper specific because of course we want to help those people out. We do free dumb is not just a fun word It's something we need to thrive for yeah, and how about free dumb, but not free dumb You're not how about that why every episode the past month has ended with me be like you're a moron

I live a life live your life inside of your home as if this your house will eventually be a place You can leave will that be nice? Oh god you got to prepare you honestly you better fucking prepare And you got to love your preparation before you even get into it And I'm telling you right now again I've said this before up your booze now if you're if you're waiting to go to bars You're gonna need to you're gonna want to get prepared and you don't want to start getting your last I just mean it if you don't well if you're trying to do a good clean You need to go and start drinking harder now because you can get alcohol poisoning the worst advice

You could ever because you gotta laugh Just thinking about the sheer social vengeance. You're gonna wreak Maybe we should keep the quarantine going longer if that's my god hail yourselves everyone else I tell you Be safe out there everyone This show is made possible by listeners like you thanks to our ad sponsors You can support our shows by supporting them for more shows like the one you just listened to go to last podcast network.com