Last Podcast On The Left - The LPN Show: Episode 1 — Welcome to the Dumb Show

Episode Date: April 7, 2020

Here's a bonus preview of our new show, The LPN Show.On episode one, Ben is joined by Jackie to talk about how many cowboys Ben can fight, where Jackie will be in 10 years, and how Ben can get a sugar daddy. Find The LPN Show on Spotify!New episode of Side Stories out tomorrow! Hail yourselves!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the LPN Show. Recorded both in Los Angeles and New York City. We're just, you know, here to hang out. Have a good time. All right, talk to y'all after a while. Hey, what's up, everyone? Welcome to the first ever LPN show, the show that is just about us hanging out.

I am Ben Kissel and today I'm hanging out with Jackie Zabrowski, the Queen of Scream. I don't think that that is my name, but I will take it. Thank you. I didn't realize that this is the first episode. Thank you so much for having me on the first episode. I know nothing about this.

Kissel just asked me to show up at the studio and I did. Yeah, that's basically it. This is just a show we're just hanging out. You know what we don't have in front of us? Any information about anything? There's no stories. If you wanted a dumb show, you found the right place to be.

This is it and at some point I won't just be hosted. Sometimes Eddie will host or Henry will host or Jackie will host. I also just found this out. We are all finding out things together and that's what's so great here about the flow of communication at LPN. It is crystal clear.

Always know what's going on with each other. See, the last time this happened was when Henry coerced me into doing good put with him and he just made me answer questions like a seal to get just drippings of his pudding after he's eaten the pudding. So yeah, if you haven't had a chance, check out Good Pud. It's on the LPN Patreon page.

It's really, it really is. What's the name of the ASMR? It is ASMR for people who want to feel or want to hear a big Polish man chewing on pudding. No, we were suppin' on it. It was like light suckage off of a spoon. It's absolutely disgusting, but you know it's great content.

That's what we're doing here. We're creating content on top of content. Well, I'm also currently right now making an audiobook over on the page seven Patreon for a book that no one wanted an audiobook for just because why not? What is it? Model Land by Tyra Banks.

And it is, Tyra Banks genuinely wrote this and she believed she was going to be the next JK Rowling. And it is about a bunch of ugly girls that get flown to a place called Model Land where their periods stop and because they don't eat anymore. And it is, it's loosely based on Tyra Banks' life apparently. Is it a good thing that their periods stop

because that could also be kind of unhealthy? I don't know about the female body other than what I've seen on the internet, but I don't think a doctor is filming that footage. Is it good to have that period stop? No, no, no, no. It's not the end of a sentence for crying out loud. No, usually you want it in there.

I don't know. I mean, usually you want it, I think. I also don't know anything. See, that's a thing, because you assume that women know this stuff. When I got my IUD put it in, I was like, I don't know what's down there. Where does it go?

What does it do? Well, I mean, I thought that was a roadside bomb, so I'm happy you're still alive and it's strange that you went to that doctor who was a terrorist. See, that's the kind of humor you can come to expect from the LPN show. Fire in the pussy hole. That's what they say.

How is the squirty bird doing? How are you doing down there? You doing okay? Yeah, it is tight. It's doing a really good job. You know what's funny, because I don't talk about my squirty bird very often anymore because we don't do round table,

and it misses the attention. It's doing great. It really is, you know, it's, I keep thinking it's gonna get looser, but I think it just keeps getting tighter. Really, it's like, I guess, sort of like the way a prune becomes a raisin. A prune doesn't become like a larger form of fruit.

It becomes a tinier, tinier one. It's like a Chinese finger trap. Yes. Well, that's really good. I'm happy to hear the update. For those people that have not listened to round table of gentlemen, you can check it out on Spotify.

We literally ended that show maybe two years ago now. Two years ago. And we did that show. That was our first ever podcast. We did that show for 10 years almost. I believe we did it for eight years, so it's been 10 years since we've done it. Yes.

And wow, it was a fun show. Kevin Barnett, Holden McNally, Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, and of course, Marcus Parks. Yes. So go and listen to those episodes and put your earmuffs on. If you listen to anything with children in the car,

you might want to boot them out of the front door, open the front door and throw them out as you're driving down the highway, because this is not safe for kids. It's an alone time show, I would say. If you want to listen to a bunch of people, almost certainly either blackout drunk or close to blackout drunk in a basement.

Man, there it is for you, especially because I was in my early 20s. You grow a lot. You do. A lot's happened in 10 years and you don't realize where you're gonna be in 10 years. I don't know where I'm gonna be 10 years from now. Where do you think you're gonna be 10 years from now?

10 years from now. I have a vision. I have sand underneath my sneakers because I don't take off my shoes. I want to go, I want to live the beach life, but I want to dress like I'm living the Wisconsin winter life. No, I want to dress fully clothed,

hang out at the beach. I think people might kick me off of the beach because they'll think I'm some kind of, you know, undercover cop trying to bust people for like illegal snorkeling or something. I don't know what people do. I don't think that you were some sort of masturbatist if you were on the beach like that.

Fully, no, masturbatist, they wear nothing but a robe and then they have less clothes on. I'm talking about being fully clothed. I'm talking never nude. I'm talking David Cross from Arrested Development. Oh, good to have. Never taken off the clothes. That's what I'm talking about.

Unless I do get hot or maybe the thing is, what is your money line for 100% confidence? Cause what I want to do, I look at Jack Nicholson now. Yes, he's been banned from the Staples Center because he can no longer sit courtside. The chili incident evidently was a joke, but I do think he is. Why can't he sit courtside anymore?

Just because he's sloppy? Doesn't that mean it's extra difficult for the players to make a basket? That means every basket should mean more points. This is, I want a change in the NBA. Uh-huh. So the more gut that is showing from Jack Nicholson, the higher the scoring goes.

Only if his like sub sandwiches, cause remember those pictures? I'm thinking of specifically the pictures of him on the boat when he was eating that big sloppy sandwich with like the young 20-somethings forced, not being forced to. I'm assuming being paid via yacht to lay on him for him to get his grease all over them.

Well, I think that they're paid by the experience. You find out you're going on a yacht with Jack Nicholson and you say, could I be the new Natalie Wood? And then it turns out he is too fat and exhausted to even push you off the boat. To kill her. To kill? Um, that is what I want.

That is like Jack Nicholson now is what I want to be in my 40s. I don't want to be that overweight, although I'm probably just always going to be a little chubby, but I'm gonna work on it. You look great. What are you talking about? Well, you know.

You're so tall. You're not chubby. You're just tall. I am tall. But Jack Nicholson on a boat, eating a sandwich, you assume he's wearing the exact same thing, eating a similar sandwich if he's on the beach. That's what I want to do.

I feel ashamed even saying this, but the more I go down to that beautiful cock-shaped state that is, Florida, the more I like it. I might just become a Florida guy. What's wrong with it? The sun is beautiful. The people are trashy, which is fun.

It's trashy classy. Everyone just constantly says horrible offensive things. They laugh. They're all versions of Joe Exotic. They're all just different variations of Joe. Yeah, but he's in Oklahoma. He's not in Florida. I know he's an oaky.

I know he's an oaky. But I'm just saying, I like the loz I fair attitude when it comes to, do you have to wear pants today? The weather's nice. But that's the problem though is that you just said you're a never knew. The issue I have with that is that in high school,

I knew the older dudes that wore track suits all the time. They're cooler guys. No, they're not. They're bangin' 16 year olds and they're constantly sweaty. Well, you move that up to 18 years old, okay? And then you also, then you wear a heavy antiperspirant.

Boom. Now you're livin' the dream. No, because then you're gonna have to have a sweat rag like Holden does. And no one wants to hang out with a dude that's got a sweat rag draped across his shoulder. Holden may nearly dress as if he is a boxer after the seventh round in his corner

getting padded down by a series of trainers. But he doesn't move. Holden has like an African-American preacher. He has a sweat rag that he wipes his bra with. It doesn't make any sense because he's doing nothing that would make you think he should be sweating. That's not true. Sometimes, you know, video games really invigorate you

and they get you involved. And, you know, sometimes just, you know, sometimes I just sweat just thinking too hard, you know? Well, you're very smart, of course, pop history if you haven't listened to that. That show brings you information. So I'm thinkin'. I'm goin' Florida. You're goin' to Florida.

I don't want any drink that is not, I want the minimum length of my plastic straw. I am fine with paper bags. I love paper bags. I want everything to be paper except for straws. I don't know why straws is where people said this is where we're gonna be environmentally friendly. It's because of that video with the turtle. The turtle thing is fake.

And you see people put a, it is fake. You see people put a paper straw into a plastic cup that has a plastic lid and then they're like hashtag woke and I'm like, it is all plastic. The straw is the least amount of plastic that would be there. Everything else should be paper. That's why you just get one of the reusable ones. I've got a reusable one in my fanny pack.

Yeah, but I can't be walkin' around like a hobo with a bunch of different kinds of cans clickin' around in my pockets. That's ridiculous. No, the best part about it is that then your straw gets covered in lint and different kinds of dirt. That means very bad for coronavirus times,

but it's great for every other time because I like it because it makes me feel gritty. Like I feel like I'm in Taxi Driver, you know? By using my metal straw. That's cool and you could also be like Moses when he had to go down, what was it? The River Tames or something? You are asking the wrong thing.

I don't know. Either way, he had to use a reed to breathe water. I don't know what the fake story is. He was scuba diving? They haven't got scuba diving in the Bible? He basically did have to scuba dive to get away from somebody who was like mad at him and Moses is like, you're being mean to me.

You're my squirty bird because he's gonna be fuckin', you needin' that for something else, you know what I mean? Blub, blub, blub, blub, blub. I'm gonna just part the seas, blub, blub, blub, blub. That's a meat, not my pussy. Oh my goodness, the seas are your labia. Yeah, that's kind of fun.

Look at that. Part the seas. So, I am going. Florida, everything out of a plastic straw, everything has to come, and it has to be a foot to two feet long. I want a coconut, that no more cups. Everything has to be drunk out of a coconut or drunk out of a green plastic grenade.

I will also accept that. So, remember that time when you kept buying a scorpion bowls? If you get those scorpion bowls at Tiki bars and they put it in the center and they set it on fire and all of it is just, it is the taste of a bad decision and everyone's got the really long straws. Again, not during Corona times, but in regular times, everyone was sluckin' out of that drink

and you just kept buying them and it was rough. Well, by the end, it's mostly backwash because the straw is so long. By the time you get the liquid to your mouth, you've already gone too far and you have to cut it off halfway through, at the very least, halfway through. Yeah, but then how do you feel about,

do you enjoy the booze-soaked fruities that float in the drinks? I actually do not. I think it's a disgusting texture. I don't like the strawberries that are infused with vodka or tequila. I don't know why, it's just weird to me. Dude, do you ever have one that is inside of a jar of moonshine?

I ate a strawberry that was inside moonshine and I thought I was gonna die. Yeah, I think whoever gave that to you, that's technically your husband now. No, I don't wanna marry him. You have to. Jackie, so where do you see yourself? 10 years from now.

Ben Kissles on the beach. I got a flip phone because I'm done with the smartphones. Oh, you're going back. Well, flip phones are coming back, by the way. Flip phones are coming back. They are coming back. I'm doing full flip phone. I'm doing snake.

I'm playing snake on there. That's as much video games as I'm playing. Even with your fingers, you can play snake. Your fingers weren't too big. I've adapted. Well, good for you. I'm proud of you. Humans find a way, don't they?

They do. They do. They do. So these fingers are good for one thing and that's playing snake. So I'm gonna do that. Now I get a phone call and I look at my phone and say, oh, Jackie, I wonder where she's calling from.

10 years in the future. What do I expect to hear? I'm getting into the casino business. I think it's time to start buying casinos. So in 10 years, I think that I'm gonna have the money. I'm gonna need, I'm hoping to like, in a Nicole Smith a little bit, like find somebody maybe a lot older

and that I will love and cherish and brush their hair until they die. And then I'm gonna take their millions and buy casinos. I love the idea and I wanna go into further detail because I think that you would be a great casino mogul and no one would be stealing from that casino. No, no, no, no, it's tight like my trap. It's not exactly what I'm there for.

The security guards with little vulva guns, they call their squirty bird and they squirt the floor. Oh my God, that's great. And everyone's, they got pink berettas and also purple berets. So it's gonna be, it's gonna be like a theme. I'm definitely gonna turn Vegas into a theme or I'm gonna make my own Vegas.

I don't know what, I don't know where. Maybe somewhere in the middle of the country, maybe Texas. Ooh, lost Texas. Right, lost Texas. That's what it all called. Texas was on my list, but I don't think I can go there because I have too big of a mouth and at some point.

You'll get in trouble. A big old rowdy, not one cowboy. I feel physically I can take one on one 95% of the country. I'm not gonna beat the true athletes, but I think physically I could beat 95% of the country. Yeah, I can say that. You're very strong. Once you get over two cowboys

and then they got those things, they don't call them shoes, they call them shit kickers. Yeah. Then they got the steel. I'm into cowboys and I'm into cowboy bulls. No, it's good for you. It's good for you. I'm saying for me, next thing you know, I'm hammered.

I'm like, oh, Houston, Texans, they're a horrible team. God knows what I'll be saying. A whole series of different horrible things. What sport is that? Is that baseball? It's football, Jackie. Do you said Houston? What?

It's the Houston Astros. That's the baseball team that cheats. They are a cheating baseball team. They should not have their- Oh, do they inflate their balls? Oh, that's another thing I'm gonna be doing in Florida. I'm gonna get the biggest balls in Florida. You're gonna get bigger balls.

Why not? Big ball bin. Big ball bin? Oh my God. And you're like, ain't no clock on this tower. That gonna be your slogan. Big ball bin. That's right.

I'm gonna wear my Loretta Lynn. It's five o'clock somewhere, sure. Oh, do you have one? I do. Oh, jealous. Love Loretta Lynn. Big ball bin. It's five o'clock somewhere.

Stay off my lawn. Oh, that, see, you think you wouldn't fit in in Texas? If you start yelling, stay off my lawn. See, I like saying stay off my lawn to almost anyone that's trying to get in my fucking business. I think it's a good catchphrase. I agree with that. But because I'm in Florida, I'll say,

get out of my beach. That's good. Get off my sand. That's kind of fun too. That's good. You better use that shower and get the sand off of you before you come on my property. That's another fun one.

That is a fun one only in Florida. So you're gonna be a Texas gal. You're going down there. Yeah, lost Texas. You're gonna own a, lost Texas, own a casino, which I will fly to. I will fly, I will charter. At this point, I don't know, you know what?

I don't need charter jet money. I wanna know someone who has a charter jet. I never need to own one. I just need to know one person and you know what I'm gonna do as soon as I meet them? I'm sniffing their hands, I'm checking their pants. I am making sure that they are not a pedophile. Good for you.

I am going to, I will hold, I will waterboard them. If I find out they're a billionaire, number one, oh, we can be friends. But you are a suspect until I waterboard you and I make sure that you have never had sex with an underage person. So the steps are you meet a billionaire, immediately waterboard them.

No questions asked just to find out. No, I have to charm them first because let's be honest. I find out they're a billionaire, I am human. It's not just ladies that do this. I find out he's a billionaire. I am going to turn it on a little bit. Of course you will. Of course.

I think that you would do really well with having a sugar daddy. Well, I don't know. I might be diabetic at the point at this point, but you'd never know. Again, expect more humor like that here at the LPN show. Wow, we are bringing it today, but I'm thinking you do no matter what,

everyone wants to be like, oh, I hate billionaires, all this stuff. I get it because they have way too much money and they shouldn't. You're in a South Florida dive bar. You're sitting there, you're drinking nothing but slammers. Ooh, is Jimmy Buffett playing? He has to be.

Okay, all right, I just want to make sure that that, I'm creating the environment in my head. You literally are the cheeseburger in paradise. Oh my God. We are the burgers. Hinds 57 and french fried potatoes, because you're pickle and a cold draft beer. Well, good God almighty, which way do I steer to my?

Margaritaville. Cheeseburger in paradise. Kids will like, if you want to move to fucking Florida, you better up your Buffett game. Well, let's just say I will get better with it. So I'm sitting there, I'm drinking my pina colada, whatever I'm drinking, you can imagine the liquid shits that will be happening once I move to Florida.

Nothing but burgers and pina coladas. A billionaire sits down. Maybe he's just dressed normal, so I don't know because he's a humble billionaire. Oh, I love it, does he have a cowboy hat on? We can make that. We can put him, yeah, we can make him a cowboy, sure. And so now I'm extra like, woo, flirty.

You know, I'm extra male flirty. People think that straight men don't flirt with other straight men, but we do. Of course you do. Now, how do you, like, what's your first move as a flirtation towards this billionaire? Okay, so number one, you got to open up with a bit of a self-defacing humorous joke.

Okay. So something like, oh my God, I can't believe I've had so much pina colada. I could almost suck off a billionaire right now. You know, say something like that. That is suave, that is what a way to just make you sidle right in there. Okay, all right, I'll see it.

Sidel right in, and then, oh, perk up. Like, he's Snake from the wonderful video games there. Question mark. And then he looks over at me and he says, wait, did you just say that you would suck off a billionaire if you had too much pina colada? Yeah. And then he said, yeah, as a matter of fact,

let's get another round. Yeah, you can do three more, please. Three more, please. And then he says, I just so happen to be a billionaire and then he takes off his cowboy hat. In the cowboy hat is a letter from the US government saying this man is indeed a billionaire. Oh my God, with all of the bank account information.

With his bank account information. It's all in the hat. It's all in the hat. Always look to the hat. Always look at the hat. Absolutely. That's what we learn from the yellow man from George. The guy who wore the hat.

Oh, the curious George. Curious George, yes. The man who wears yellow. I was thinking of the yellow man in Kill Bill. Kill Bill? No, no, is it? The dead, the, oh, what is it called? The yellow, he wears yellow.

Sin City. Oh yeah, Yellow Bastard. Yellow Bastard, I apologize, that was a bad, that was a bad. No, I love Yellow Bastard. I mean, I hate him. Sin City is a great movie by the way. I know, dude. I love that movie and I love Elijah Wood

and you can listen to the interview we did with Elijah Wood on Side Stories. Very, very nice. Look at that. So he's got the cowboy hat. He's got the, I'm a billionaire, I'm official. I would joke around, flirt around, find out what his favorite sports teams are.

Okay. Let's just say, oh, he loves the Sabres. He's a hockey fan. I said, oh my God, if I got on the ice like that, I would just fall to my knees immediately and suck off a billionaire. You know, I would continue to go back to the punchline, which is me blowing the billionaire.

I think you only have to say it five times before, technically, that is consent. I think if you say it and he doesn't leave, then it's, it's. Okay, sure. And the thing is, it's not about me. He doesn't want me to actually suck him off. He thinks it's funny because it's like, that ain't never gonna happen.

So he- Oh, this is bro. It is bro bro time. This is bro talk. It's bro talk. You know how guys will like slap each other and then jerk each other off and just be like, ha ha. I watch a lot of the videos. Yeah, you've seen the videos.

So at this point, I'm in his good graces. He knows that I'm there for real. He knows that I'm there to be a friend to him. And then it has to flip. The script has to flip. And I say, sure, come on over to my house. I'm having a barbecue. Bunch of people are gonna be there.

He shows up, no one's there and there's no barbecue. Are you making hot dogs? No, I'm gonna waterboard him. And at this point, I'm in such good graces that he will say, okay, I accept a waterboarding because I understand I'm a suspect because I'm a billionaire. Yeah.

And then he'll pass the waterboard, hopefully. And then at that point, I got a millionaire, gluten-free daddy. And I... But that means, what about the hot dogs? You're not gonna make any hot dogs for him because really that is... If he passes, if he passes, I will.

And I'm not gonna give him the little smokies either. Or I'll set up little smokies and regular-sized hot dogs. The test will continue all day. I think it's a relay. I think this is the kind of thing where it's not just the waterboarding. You need to see, if he says no to the hot dogs or says, ew, I don't like hot dogs,

you don't trust him immediately, then it's over. Or if he goes for the little smokies and starts kind of like sucking the ketchup off of him, way too strangely, I say, okay, buddy. No one likes ketchup that much. No one likes ketchup that much. Also, you don't trust him. You don't trust him.

He's fantasizing and I'm sorry, I cannot have a billionaire situation tarnish my good Ben Kissel name. I'm proud of you. And then if he passes all the tests, he goes with the regular-sized, mature hot dogs, then I will charter his plane and then I will go visit you in Texas

and then I will hang out with my magnet billionaire friend. He will have more friends, Jackie. Ooh. We will bring to your casino. So they'll help me with the casinos? Perhaps help you with the casino at the very least spend a lot of money at your casino. You're gonna be making bank.

I wanna always dress like Cleopatra. Well, you could, it's your casino, you're the queen. You wanna dress like Cleopatra, go for it. I think people might think you're a special needs cosplayer, but that's not bad. Yeah, but it's not great. I'm Cleopatra with curves. I'm Cleopatra ass.

It'll be great cause I'll find like, I'll wear really tight clothes and just have like my ass out there for everybody to see. I think that's wonderful. And of course you gotta give the free drinks away, although you gotta make the money back on the food, I think. I don't know, I guess you just make the money

with all the gambling. Yeah, but I'm gonna put out buffets. I'm gonna have free buffets. How great are my casinos? Las Vegas is gonna be unbelievable. Yes, tell me more of the buffet. The only buffet that I question, the only buffet I question when it comes to casino buffets,

I saw one in Las Vegas. It was a seafood buffet. They had oysters, they had the little, they had scallops. Okay. I found it to be very disgusting. Wow. It smells much like a squirty bird and you walk by it and you're like,

everyone is heavy breathing on it and it's Vegas. So they're professional gamblers, which means they are. I looked, felt, compared to some of these people. Oh yeah. Speaking of people who just wear sweatpants and grow and grow into them like a tree grows into a fence. They become one with the sweats.

But what's your favorite buffet? Like where do you go that makes you smile at a buffet? Chinese buffet. Yes. You get the crab legs. You know what the Chinese buffet does also? They do Americana. They have that Americana section with the bad pizza,

the chicken nuggets, the French fries. Oh yeah. I crave bad Chinese buffet pizza. Dude, I hear you. It is so good. Also, if you are not, if you live, I can only speak for New York's Chinese places, but if you are not getting fried chicken

at your Chinese food restaurant, you are mistaking yourself. I crave the fried chicken at Chinese food places in New York because it is so much a fried chicken and it's really fucking good. It's the best. Because here in New York, they said, get rid of the MSG. No, not Madison Square Garden, which James Dolan should sell

because he's the worst owner in sports. Whoa, sports. Shade. MSG is the single ingredient in the history of food. It is, it will kill you. It will definitely kill you. You will eat until you die. Yes, because there's something in it

that also makes your body feel like it hasn't eaten anything, even though you have gone through four plates at a time. It's magic. It's magic. It is, I fantasize about it. You can buy MSG too. I forgot what it's called, but you can go to the store and it's called like, renew the food,

like a renews it or something, but that is something to do with ascent. But there's something like that where you just spring, you can put MSG on anything. You really can. You could put it on an apple and make that apple. So unhealthy, it's good. I guess, can you do that for,

I guess you can do that with healthy food. I think you can make anything unhealthy if you really try. I imagine we are making healthy people's stomach turn by talking like this because I think that MSG is bad for you, but I don't know why. Oh my, Bloomberg, speaking of billionaires, we have not vetted when it comes

to what we were talking about earlier. Thank God he's gone. I don't know anything about politics. It doesn't matter. Bloomberg, he said no MSG and the Chinese restaurant said, oh yeah, sure. Yeah, we got rid of it, wink, wink, double wink because they did not get rid of it.

No. And that is why the general sauce chicken, there is something about New York. So we got Texas, we got Florida, we're coming together, we're back in New York. There is something about New York Chinese food. It's not Chinese food, you will not find it in China. It is so specific to this place.

It's like urban, it's in shitty restaurants. If you go and pick it up, you will also question should I be eating out of that kitchen? And yet all of them have an A health code rating as someone that was the head of a bakery coffee shop in New York, it is very difficult to get an A. And they all have it. I don't know what they got on the government.

A lot. But they got something and I'm into it. I support it and same with hot dogs where it's difficult for me to say because I think I dig the LA street dog more than I love a dirty water dog in New York. Really? I dig LA counter Chinese food in a very different way,

but to the amount that I love New York Chinese food. Get out of here, I can't imagine that. Next time you come out, I'm gonna bring you. No, but LA is too, I'm gonna say LA, they are like, they are very cautious people when it comes to their food. That's why you gotta find, they're in the little, like the little plazas, the little hole in the wall plazas

that do Chinese counter service is fucking insane, bro. Really? Yes, I'm gonna bring you next time you come out here. All right, well, I was actually on Zillow, I was looking at some houses in North Hollywood. And I don't know, I'm thinking about Los Angeles, although I love New York too much to leave at this point, but if you're telling me that they have Chinese food options

that are on par with the wonderful, horrible Chinese food of New York, I might have to examine it. Next time I'm there, next time I'm there, we're gonna go and we're gonna get general sows, I also need to try their sesame chicken, and I need, this is a little bit Ben Kissell here, I like the peanut, I like the peanut sauce.

Apparently it's very good, I'm not into a peanut savory dish, I'm throwing that out there, I'm not a pad thai girl, but the beef with broccoli is fucking delightful, that is straight up definitely dog meat, and it's great. It's the dog meat I crave from New York. Hey, when it comes to Poffin, I know he was on the market, but if it happened, if I found out today that all of the Chinese food that I've eaten

over the 16 years I've been in New York has come from a dog, I would not eat it again, but I can't say that I would be full of regret. I also wouldn't eat it again. That is, it is a JK as someone that stares at the foster dogs on Instagram for hours a day, and I'm too scared to pull the trigger because Kissell, I'm very proud of you, I'm scared to do it.

I don't think I can handle the responsibility of having a dog. You really can, because dogs, get an older dog, Poffin, he was six years old when I got him, and so he was, he didn't go through his terrible twos, I got him for match dog rescue. If you're out there and you wanna get a dog, check out Match Dog Rescue, tell him Kissell sent you,

they'll charge you double. More jokes like that coming, here on the LPN show. It is unbelievable, these little dogs, and you would do a great job. I could see you being a dog mom, I could, you would be wonderful at it. All you have to do is feed them, give them water, and walk them, and if they happen to take a dump

in the house, you just gotta pick it up. That's the worst thing that happens, is that you just occasionally have to pick up a dump in the house, and of course, you have to pick it up when you go outside. That's the worst part, and really, it only takes a matter of seconds, and what I do is, I black out, I pick up, throw away,

and then I come back. Honestly, at least Poffin's duties are small, because Ed Larson from over on the brighter side. Well, Eddie has a huge dog, but Poffin, I swear to God, Poffin has crapped half his body weight in one dump. Please. Oh my God, it's crazy.

No, Rambo, who is Eddie's dog, I'm telling you, like, I have to go and use my whole hand to scoop it. It looked like dinosaur poop. Like, there's so much of it, and it's so hot. I'm so used to picking up Wendy's poop, but she's got little tiny poops, and you don't even feel how hot it is to the back, but when you can feel just how hot that steam pile is,

it's just so much of it, it's just, oh my God. I mean, I'm happy that his diet is good, and that he is shitting properly, but it's a lot. Rambo is about 75 pounds. Yeah, he's a big ol', I believe that he's like a rotty black lab mix, so he's a big ol' boy. He is the size of a very small person, but very small people can take massive dumps.

Yeah, they got big dumps, too. I think that if I'm going to get a big dog, and I love big dogs, I love all dogs, I am going to have to wait until I have land, and I want to give them an entire quarantined, sanctioned off, there'll be a little rope like at Studio 50 Poo, and they will go there, they will poo, and they will come out,

and I won't look at it, I'm not gonna touch it, I cannot be picking up horse manure amounts of dookie. I just don't wanna do it. I mean, you can't just let it out there, then they're gonna be covered in dookie, and then they're gonna bring the dookie into the house. Oh, no, it's not in their play area, their play area is a whole nother area.

Oh, okay, so that is just- I'm saying they just go there to poop, train them, you poop here, and then it becomes fertilizer, maybe magic mushrooms grow or something, in which case I will sell them, because I feel like if I know the poop that it comes from, it makes it too weird. I understand.

So maybe I can get into the magic mushroom business at that point. But that does sound like you should move to LA if you need that kind of space for a bigger dog, though, right? Well, Eddie's out in LA, and you were just talking about having to pick up the dog's dump on the sidewalk. I know, but he hasn't thought about the brilliance

at his Studio 50 poo. Yeah. I'll let him know. I was looking at some houses out there, and I must say it is more affordable than New York, not to say it's cheap, because apparently in this America, they don't even want you to have a house, because it is crazy expensive.

But I would like a pool. Well, that's why I'm not gonna own a house, even when I own all my casinos in Las Texas. I'm still gonna, I'm a rat. You know what's so funny, Jackie? I wanna be a pool rat. That's what, you know, I don't even take my clothes off. You know, when I went to Cena's wedding in Italy,

we were in the most beautiful part of the ocean, and Brooke had to cut my pants off to make them shorts. I didn't even bring shorts. That was upsetting to hear. I remember Henry sent me a picture of you in your cut-off Jorts on an Italian beach, because while Henry and Adley were in Italy, while I watched all of the dogs at home,

he kept sending me pictures, saying like, don't you wish you were here? And he did that for two weeks while I watched the, while I watched the dogs. Well, Henry's a mean-spirited man, but what I'm saying is this, for the next half of my life, I'm gonna be, I'm never gonna be dry.

I wanna be wet the whole time. I wanna be pruney. I just, I'm done with it. And in Texas, my only concern for you, Jackie, is where's your water supply coming? I'm not a big, I'm not a big waterhead. I'm very scared, I'm desperately scared of the water. I'll go in the pool with a pool noodle.

But other than that, I'm not, I'm more of a, I'm a mountain gal. I really realized that for myself. I'm a mountain gal. When, but I've never seen you hike in my life. Well, not hiking. I mean, just living in it. But how do you get to the mountain?

It's a hike enough to, that's a, you, you drive up it. And then the hike itself is just walking from my door to go get the mail, the mailbox. Yeah, but Jackie, I think if you're in the mountains, theoretically, you're supposed to go and do the, do the nature trails, look at squirrels, name them. You know, really become a psychotic. No, see, that's where I'm gonna become,

I'm gonna become a tub rat. And I'm gonna have my hot tub and I'll name all the squirrels while sitting, smoking a fucking doobie, drinking champagne in the middle of the day, looking at my squirrels from the hot tub on the crevasse of a mountain. You just described Kathy Bates from the movie about Schmidt. I'll take it.

Does that mean, wait, who, doesn't she have, who does she fucking that movie? I don't know. All I know is she shows her unbelievably large breasts and I'm not gonna say I'm not here for it. Of course we're here for it. I'd have sex with Kathy Bates still. Sure, she is a special, special gal.

Dude, I just rewatched Misery and that movie holds up. Misery is so good. Because we've been doing, we've been trying to watch one movie a day where we watch a movie and we say, well, that's worse than the pandemic. So we watched Misery because that was worse because we watched The New Invisible Man because you can rent it now.

So good. So good. I really liked it. I was very surprised at how good it was. Yes, and I love that actress speaking of more human looking actresses. Elizabeth Moss? Yes, because I mean, I know she's a die-hard Scientologist.

I know, but she was born into it and I feel like there is a difference. She was born into it and she also is very pro LGBTQ rights. Like she does speak out for things that I usually judge against Scientology for. I'm not down with Scientology, I wish she wasn't, but. Yeah. If you're born into it, your whole family's into it

and you can never talk to any of them ever again and you're at least using your platform to do some positive change, you gotta be here for it. You know, I do agree with you. If you're born into it, I'll give you a pass. If you go into it like Tom Cruise did for political and economic reasons, I don't like it. No, I don't like it.

Okay, I agree. At least we agree on that, but you know what? That was really great and I talked about it on page seven and have you ever seen the movie Come and See? I don't think I've seen the movie. I've played the game with my friends in high school but that's a whole other thing. Wait, what's that game?

That involves, that involves Dookie. Oh, oh, no, no, this is very different. Everyone had that friend, it was like, come see it. I didn't ever show it, but everyone had that friend and at some point you just stopped going to see it because you know what it is. It's like, you know, I'm not into Dookie humor. I'm not either, I don't like it, I don't like it.

I don't know why and I'm a very crass human being and I just can't, I can't handle it, but Come and See is actually about a 12-year-old child soldier that was very excited to enlist in the Belarusian army to go fight the Nazis in World War II and what ends up happening is that it is two and a half hours of watching this child's soul die. Oh.

And that's worse than the pandemic, you know? Is it a comedy or is it? Yeah, we laughed and we laughed and we laughed and we laughed and there was one point that I had to put my ice cream down because it was making me sick. From the laughter. You know, this is why I actually put this on Twitter and people got me very mad at me for some reason

because they don't, I don't know what happens on Twitter, but us in this pandemic, yes, it's not great. We got the, and we feel bad. We'll talk about this on Ableton's Toppat. Again, we don't do serious conversation on this show. This is just for funsies and people out of work that's very sad, all of that stuff. But when it comes to the day-to-day,

all we are doing is just sitting at home, watching all these movies. I was thinking about this yesterday. I said, it would be nice to go out, but we are still so lucky that we can suffer by having to watch Hollywood movies that jumped out of the theater and right onto our TV. Not all people have that.

And that is- Not all people, that's true. And a lot of people are having a very difficult time right now. Yes, they are. And we'll say mentally, it has been very rough and we were just talking about this before the episode that the mental illness side of this

is a whole other aspect that I've been having a lot of problems with. Well, you know what it reminds me of? Jail. Now, I'm sure that people that are listening here have been to jail. I've only spent, I think maybe a total of two or three days in jail. One was at the tombs here in New York.

And then the other one was when I got my DUI when I was 19. Wait, why were you put into the tombs in New York? Because I helped that little guy through a turnstile. I had an open warrant for my arrest because I was drinking on the stoop seven years earlier. See, I remember that. And it paid $25 fine.

But I didn't realize you got thrown into the clink because of that. 25 hours. I remember when you got caught and we, I think we were running to do something and you're like, just go, just go. Cause you thought you were just gonna be on the next train. I remember that and then you never showed up. No, it never showed up.

I gave Eddie my cell phone. I had just finished playing the toxic Avenger for trauma. And God knows the road to hell is paved with good intentions. That little guy that I helped through the turnstile had a total mental breakdown. And I believe he is off somewhere in the Netherlands at this point. But this is what it feels like

because everything is just halted. Every day is similar. And the entire year is just moved back six months. It's very bizarre. Which is terrifying. It is, it's very interesting. It's hard for the mind. But I just kind of put myself at ease. I put my prison brain on and just say, this is what it is.

There's no, you don't have any control. Once you seed control mentally, it does help. Although at some point there is gonna be a mutiny. And you think the coronavirus is bad. There's gonna be a lot of extroverts freaking out in the streets. And I'm gonna say, there's just gonna be a spontaneous parade in late April

if people are not allowed out of their houses. We can't have a parade. That's how everyone gets sick. See, mine is all, I'm just deep seeded in mistrust now. I, it was, it was difficult for me to get out of the house to go check the mail because I don't trust anything anymore. Now, what don't you trust?

Do you think that your neighbors are out to get you? I don't, I already have anxiety disorder. And then on top of it, I feel like now everyone is trying to kill me. Well, I don't think that people are trying to kill you. Did you see this? I sent you this article yesterday and we're not reading the article,

but we can talk about it. Did you see what the influencers were doing? They were all licking toilets and licking deodorant things. I am furious at this shit. It's because there is a, it's some sort of thing that they're doing now where it's like, it's like coronavirus challenge

for you to go out and lick shit, which also, before the coronavirus, go fuck yourself. Whoa. I just can't eat, right? Can you imagine just like to say what the fucking people, but then somebody apparently got arrested for like terrorism because they were coughing on things in a, in a supermarket. Which like that, don't, I mean, it's not.

I mean, it really is, it's almost, you know, it's like, you can be a supervillain now, you're saying, I'm not a man, I'm a biological weapon. And then you just cough on someone and each little piece of spittle is like a little biological bullet. And you can really, you can anger people at the supermarket very easily these days.

He was licking a toilet bowl. That was not good. That was not good. Why are you licking a toilet bowl? Yucky. The problem is, now anyone, so I found out about the influencer, he lives in like somewhere,

I want to say it somewhere in the south. So what's happening here is, you know, that one specifically, he's in LA. Is he LA? I'm pretty sure that they said he was in studio city. Oh my goodness. Well, that's even a thousand times worse because when I think of some of these influencers

that go awry, a lot of times, maybe it's because they're not, they don't understand what they're doing and they don't understand that this goes out to the world. But if he's out in LA, he's there to become someone famous. He knows what he's up to. Yeah.

I don't like it. I just, I hate, it makes me so furious that people that get very, all these, the young influencers that are just hurting people, they are just getting other people to not only hurt themselves, but to hurt all the people,

like all the tidepodge it. I know that, it's like, it's a fun me, me thing. I get it. But it really does infuriate me to think of an eight year old me that'd be like, that would be funny as someone that used to get paid to eat things in middle school because I was the girl that would eat anything.

I'm glad that I was like, there was no one telling me to eat tidepods back then. To be fair, the texture of a tidepod looks amazing. I know. It feels amazing. It's squishy. If it was full of gogurt, it would be like a really great way to eat it. Yeah.

So I understand, cosmetically, they should have made it like puke green or something like that. They made it look so fun to eat. I know. Which I think was mildly, you know, kind of the cause of it. Why do you think I ate so many gushers back in the day?

Man, I would just put the whole package of gushers in my mouth. You have to. You have to, because then they explode all at once and absolutely, if you just ate one gusher at a time, you're a sociopath. Because there's not enough juice in just one. We are laying down a lot today.

Well, no, because there's not enough juice in just one. No, I need more juice. You need more juice. So yeah, you gotta pop a whole bag in. My favorites, I used to take them and I would take the fruit by the foot. I would unroll the fruit by the foot and take the paper off. And then I would roll,

I would mash all the gushers together, but not so much that they'd gush, just enough so that they stuck. And I would wrap the fruit by the foot around it and then eat it like it was, I guess, a big dookie. Like a sugar baseball. Oh my God, it was great. I love chewy fruity.

Oh my God. I'm a chewy fruity head. I'm with you. I'm with you, Jackie. All right, well, there we go. Jackie, what was just the last thing, what was the weirdest thing you had to eat for entertainment of others?

I would say, they definitely, it makes, I think this is where all of my hot dog awareness harkens from, is that they definitely put a lot of stuff and I'm pretty sure there was some dirt on the hot dog. Aw. But there was like spaghetti on it. It was like stuff at school lunch that they would take a bunch of stuff.

And usually the things that were the grossest were stuff that were mashed into a paste inside of a cup. So I wouldn't know what was inside of it. But all I would know is that there was some chewy things or some crunchy things, but mostly the consistency of mayo. That is wonderful. Orange is the new black.

Orange is the new Jackie. And just really wonderful. The thing that I used to do because it's prison food. Because what you just ate was when a prisoner eats on their birthday. Oh, gotcha. What I used to do, the weirdest thing I used to do when I was like 14,

because I loved hardcore wrestling, I would like put thumbtacks in my arm and stuff and be like, cool guy. So I also did my own version of being like an outsider and being weird. And I was pretty tough. Did you have people touching it? Like, did you have people touch it?

Well, we used to do backyard wrestling and the matches got pretty intense. I don't have any of the tapes anymore, which is very sad for me. But, because I would love to share them with everyone. But yeah, that's what I used to do. I didn't really do the eating stuff. I did more of the physical pain stuff.

And I was like, I'm a cool guy. Why don't you like me? Yeah, and then we had no friends. Isn't it fun how that works? Well, look at us now, Jackie, look at us now. All right, everyone. This has been the first edition of the LPN Show. We are so excited to be spending even more time with you.

We hope you enjoy it. This is just the first of many. And again, there'll be a series of rotating hosts. I'll probably do it for a little while, just as we kind of go through this bizarre quarantine phase. I'm in. We're going down tracks. We're experimenting.

And thank you guys so much for enjoying, are enjoying us for this experimentation. And I had fun. Thank you so much for having me, Kissel. And I'm excited to do my own someday. Yes, yes you will. Please check out page seven and pop history on the Last Podcast Network.

Page seven and pop history, top at Last Podcast, side stories, Wizard of the Bruiser, movie signs with the man, all the great shows. Brighter side. Brighter side, all the shows on LPN. You know them. You love them. We love you.

Thank you all so much for listening. Hail yourselves. And Jackie, do you do catch phrases? Nope. No, okay, great. Great, got it. Love you. All right.

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