Last Podcast On The Left - The LPN Show: Episode 2 — Hot Dog Slangin

Episode Date: April 14, 2020

We're slipping another episode of The LPN Show into the feed today, enjoy!On today's episode: Holden McNeely teaches Ben about Chet Hanks and how not to raise a child, then we take a trip to Ben's advice corner. Wanna listen to more? Search for THE LPN SHOW on Spotify!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the LPN show. Recorded both in Los Angeles and New York City. We're just, you know, here to hang out. Have a good time. All right. Talk to y'all after a while. Hey, what's up, everyone? Welcome to the LPN show. I am your host for this episode, Ben Kissel.

And now I got Holden McNeely joining me. Thank you, Holden. Holdenators. Whoa! You're welcome. Uh-oh. Is there a knock on the door? Oh, my God.

Is it mildly concerned, Christopher? Yeah, it's me mildly concerned, Christopher. It's a little scary out there, guys. It is, man. It is. It is. Thank you for joining us, Christopher. Ladies, are you concerned about anything?

Oh, yeah. I'm worried that I didn't wash my fruit enough before I ate it this morning, and that my stove was left on. Well, you should go check on that. Okay. See you later, guys. Bye.

Bye. Oh, I love mildly concerned, Christopher. He sounds appropriate for this time. We should be mildly concerned, but we shouldn't go crazy. Well, I would be concerned about him. He has been accused recently of murdering and chopping up his wife. You know what, man?

It's a quarantine. What happens during quarantine stays in quarantine. That's what I say. So this is fun, Ben. What is this? This is nothing. This is us hanging out. You know, we put Roundtable of Gentleman back on Spotify,

and everyone says, we want to hear you two, we want to hear you buffoons chatting, just dumb chatting. And we said, okay, we can do that. We literally do that every day. Holden and I have been doing that on a regular basis, or at the very least one time when we played Division Two together, massacring, massacring the true sons.

Who are they? Who's their daddy? Holden and Ben. Absolutely. I'm excited to get some games. Just like Henry's wife will finally let him play video games tonight. I'm excited for that as well. We will also maybe murder some people then.

It has been a video game bonanza over here for me. Video games, man. All I know is they are the lifeblood of the country right now. They're saving families. They're saving relationships. Usually relationships have a fight over like, Timmy plays too many video games. It doesn't pay attention to me.

Or vice versa. Maybe Samantha plays too many video games, but now it is like, play video games. Stay away from me. I need my alone time. You go with your weird kind of hard slash sort of soft erection and play video games alone place. But you have to be careful, Ben,

because I will tell you this right here right now. Street Fighter did ruin sex for me one time. Well, I think you ruined the sex for you. Well, the game was being, they were being mean in the game, and I got mad at the game and it's actually, we were supposed to have sex after my fighting session in the game, and it was so embarrassing to my wife that she actually said, no, no, no sex for you now.

Because I got too mad at the game. So be careful out there, ladies and gentlemen. Are you Tom Hanks from the movie big? Are you a 13 year old that made a wish on the boardwalk and that wish came true, but it turns out he turned you in the wizard or whatever that was turned you into you. The plot points of that film.

No, I'm actually Chet Hanks. I am trying to start my hip hop career in this quarantine. What are you? I'm Chet Hanks, the weird son with the tattoos that's trying to be a hip hop artist. Well, that's new to me. You don't know about Chet Hanks? No, I don't know anything about that.

They have like a black sheep son who's like covered in tattoos and is trying to be like a rapper, but he's also like clearly Tom Hanks' son. Oh, we're talking Hanks Hanks here. We're talking the big Hanks, the quarantine Hanks, the coronavirus infected Hanks. Well, that would be fine. I didn't realize that Tom Hanks named his child Chet.

That's the thing. There's a Colin Hanks and a Tom Hanks. If you name your kid Colin, you're going to get a Colin. That guy wears collared shirts. He goes to school. Right. Chet, though, of course. Chet is off the rails, but they love him, though.

Of course they love him. The Hanks are the only good Hollywood family. Chet, I don't even know where that name would come from, and if there's a Chet listening, I'm not demeaning the name. I'm just wondering where it came from because it's not a full name. I didn't know what you were saying for a little while. Chet, it's not biblical, which is totally fine. You don't have to name all your kids after the Bible or anything else,

but I just never heard the name Chet before, and I'm a little bit wondering what it means. Chet is a masculine given name, often a nickname for Chester, which means fortress or camp. So he's a camp? Yeah, he is a camp or a fortress, which makes sense. He is a hip-hop rapping tower of pain and love. You know what I mean?

I love it, man. All right. Very cool. Chet was ranked 1027th in popularity for males of all ages and a sample of the 1990 US census. Oh, wow. Okay, so didn't quite, as a name, did not quite top the top 1,000. I thought you were saying that Chet was one of the worst 1,000 rappers in the country.

I'm happy for him. I just feel like this is actually a true story. This is a real thought that I have when it comes to the ultra-rich. One of the things the ultra-rich don't have the privilege of being a part of is normal society. Mitt Romney can't listen to Fortune at Sun by CCR and really understand what that song is all about. They can't listen to Bruce Springsteen. Chris Christie tried to be a fan of Bruce Springsteen, and Bruce Springsteen literally called him out at a concert, basically just calling him a fat asshole.

Right. So when you are super-rich, you just cannot be involved in certain things. Music is for the people. If you're Chet Hanks, what are you rapping about? Not your nanny didn't wipe your butt front to back one day? What are you talking about? That's the toughest thing. I mean, this is what I'm saying, and I struggled with this as a rich child, right?

Because I grew up very pampered and given to... I was like, I want the Batman Batmobile, and they would get it every time on the dime. I know they did. Technodrome. I had the Technodrome. I had all the Ninja Turtles. I had the Sewer. I had everything.

I had the fucking blimp. Yes. I am well aware it's been a hard... That's why we have had to be so mean to you all as a collective group of friends. We are forced every day to just say something mean to you, so that you just try to bring you back to normal. If they didn't get me exactly what I needed within 15 minutes, I would piss on my own hands and I would just start playing slap the walls

until they would go out and get me the toys I needed. So I get it. And then of course later, I was like, oh, I want to have a unique, interesting comedic voice. Right. No. I was just giving everything. I don't know. So that is why I had to buckle up, move to New York, start from scratch.

I would literally, I'd put soot on my cheeks to pretend to be a poor and I'd walk around and grift and do these sort of... You worked at a desk job. I tipped around the city. I will say, I remember those hungover mornings because of course Holden and I lived together for a solid eight years. I remember going to bed at three, four o'clock in the morning and waking up to go to the bathroom at like nine a.m.

and Holden in his horribly wrinkled khakis, smelling, smelling like Jack Nicholson on a boat just getting ready to kill Natalie Wood and just being like, I got to go to work and be like, all right. Yeah. Peace, bro. And I would go back to bed because I didn't... I mean, to be fair, in a flip world, at that point, I was just taking care of dogs. So I was, I got an easier break for a few years when it comes to the day job.

That is true. I can see that. That's true, but I don't think you could scream for the Ninja Turtle toy and get it with the snap of your finger as a child. Absolutely not. My dad was a mastermind of talking me down to the low or to the cheaper product. My parents wouldn't even bring me into the mall because there was a KB store, a KB toys in there, but they were, they were wonderful.

And once a week, I got a $5 toy. That was sweet. Which is pretty sweet. So, and that was before what we see today, kids, where you got your $13, $14, $17 toys back then. Right. $4.99. That was your going rate for an action figure.

That's all you needed. So, I got a $5 toy and I could, whatever was, whatever was in that range, but to be fair, the cool Batman's, the cool TMNT's were in there, but if I wanted to get the fortress, that's Christmas. Oh yeah. You had to wait till the holidays. You just gave me the funniest memory. Got you.

All right. This is back when I was working an office job actually with Henry Zabrowski. We worked together in this awful office. It was this like non-profit housing thing. It was whatever. You guys were on the front lines of rent stabilization? Yes. We were on the front lines fighting the good fight and he wanted so bad,

of course, iPods all the rage at that time. This really dates us right here, but MP3 players, but specifically iPods, you could put your whole music library on there. I know. Six year computer. He asked for it for Christmas. His mother gave him the most hilarious black market MP3 player. It could only play like five songs and play them randomly.

There was no way to do it. He was so disappointed and it was one of those things too. When you get a gift, you ask for something and you get it, but it's not really the thing you wanted. For the first week, you pretend you act like it's just as good as the thing you wanted. You're like, no, it's fine. It's great. I got an MP3 player finally.

In a week and he's just like, I fucking ate this thing. I just got making fun of him because, of course, I had the iPod because I was like, you know, Did your parents give you the iPod as a gift when you were almost 30 years old? Maybe Ben, but that's besides the point. The point is that Henry's parents gave him a package. Honestly, my parents would do the same thing. I remember when my brother wanted a like car stereo and they just gave him like, what is the thing that thing with parents where they find the knockoff brand,

if it's like 10 bucks cheaper and it's vastly under quality. You know, I'm actually, I'm a little bit team parent on this one. If you want it, you got to buy it yourself. If you want to do it, you got to do it yourself. Okay. If you want to get the actual product, you know these boomers, man. The boomer brain, I don't know what happened in the 70s. I have no clue what drugs were in the water, but their brains are just a little bit off.

So when you tell them, oh, I want to PlayStation four. If they see a, if they see a shoe that is called PlayStation, they will buy the shoe. Like they don't, they don't have critical thinking skills in a lot of ways. Right. When it comes to gifts, but I think that's a skill and you say, oh, you're saving 10 bucks, but you got to remember they're buying for the whole family. That 10 bucks adds up very quick. Well, then maybe they could eat a little less that month.

Is that so difficult to do father have a couple less hamburgers? All right. It's weird to say this because I don't condone it, but I feel like your parents needed to beat you a little bit more. And I'm, you have to have a fine line. You know, there needs to be a fine line. Like I remember when I was, when I was 12 years old, I stood up to my father and I said, no more yelling at me.

Right. And then he never yelled at me again. Dare I say he let me do whatever I want almost to a fault because then I got a little bit nutty when it comes to the booze and the drugging. We had a good time though and certainly drove a lot. Um, but I feel like there's a middle ground between getting your kids, whatever they want and then physically destroying them and beating them. Like, but it has to be a sweet spot where you're, the kids have to be, I need kids still need

to be mildly scared of their parents. And I definitely was not, once I got into middle school, in fact, I blamed them. I, looking back in it, I believe I blamed them for the fact that I was, did not kiss a girl until I was in college and it really was unfair. Yeah. I didn't kiss a girl. I didn't see a, I dude, I didn't know what a vagina looked like till I was 24, but it would either way.

Really? No, no, I saw a vagina sooner than that, but not till college. Everything happened in one year though. It was unbelievable. It was a spiritual sexual awakening. I used to just like oil myself up in the morning and just like walk outside and just say, come to, come flock to me, my flock, my flocklin'. Yeah.

And then I would have sex. Like Jared Leto. Like Jared Leto. Yeah. I had one of those cafes and everything. Who would follow Jared Leto? But that's a whole other conversation. I'm sure they'll be talking about that.

I know, right? On page seven. I don't know if we will be talking about Jared Leto. I don't know. He's got some hands and some sticky business these days. And so I was like, but either way, I will say, I look back at that time, I was like, I was such an asshole to you guys. You know what I mean?

Like I used to, I remember one thing I used to do, like my dad, my dad's a corny, funny dad, and he'd make a lot of jokes at the dinner table. And even if we were in mixed company and he'd make a corny dad joke, I'd go, ha, ha, ha. And then just stare at him with this mean face. Right. Right. And he'd make friends and stuff. I would try to humiliate him.

It was awful. You got to get the hits in when you can still do it. My father had a great technique because it's not abuse. It's about hurting your children in public without anyone else knowing. My dad would do the thumb thing where you take your thumb, you take your index finger, you put it right between the webbing of the index finger and the thumb of your child. And you just squeeze it ever so. It sends a shock wave to the brain and it lets you know that you are in church.

It's time to be quiet or they grab the back of the neck and they do the back of the neck squeeze classic. And the thing is that's a duly where not only do people not know that you're hurting your child. They also think, oh, that's so nice. He's touching his child in a polite way in a loving way, in a way that says, I'm here to protect you. But the reality is the pain is setting in and the child is not going to talk anymore.

That's what your dad needed to do. He needed to find a few father Crop Maga moves that he could get away with in public. No one will know. They also don't leave a mark. This is not an episode about how to hurt your children, but I'm not saying that. I'm just saying, do you want your kid to end up like Holden or do you want them to end up like, I'll just say myself in this analogy, I don't think they would end up like either of us.

I don't think either. Good example of someone to end up like, but I will say they would take away my McDonald's and that was devastating to me at the time. I was eating McDonald's at least three times a week, Monday night, Friday night, you get that. Oh, Friday night, you get that number three, take it home, TGIF, you're talking full house, you're talking sister, sister, you're talking hamburgers, you're talking french fries, you're talking utter loneliness, not having friends, not actually talking to another human being.

Those were some of my greatest memories of my childhood sadly enough. Hey, I'm with you on TGIF, I'm with you on what was, what was Thursday was like, what thank God it isn't Wednesday, what the hell was the name of the thing they would do? Thursday must, must see TV. Must see TV Thursday. Seinfeld, Frasier, we're talking friends, well friends is like, you know, whatever, but you know what I mean? No, but friends was huge, people in my high school used to have friends parties, I never

understood it. I don't particularly care for the three cameras sitcom, Seinfeld, I was a Seinfeld guy, I am going to concede that point and I believe that show still kind of holds up, although it gives me mild amounts of anxiety and now as all the characters have, have sort of grown, I'm going to call this out right now. What? Juliette Lewis-Dreyfus is the greatest comedic actor of our time and she's the most successful person from the cast of Seinfeld, including Jerry himself.

Uh, I will kind of agree with you on that, I think you're based on that also on Veep, but I will say- Yes, and the life of Catherine, whatever, Catherine- Whatever. She was doing, she had a whole bunch of shit. I will say this though, I have been watching Schitt's Creek and Catherine O'Hara is the greatest comedic actress of our time. Catherine O'Hara is unbelievable- Yeah, Catherine O'Hara is unbelievable, Ben, and if you're not watching Schitt's Creek specifically to see her go off every episode, it is the

greatest thing ever. I know a couple of folks that write on that show and I'm sure you do too, Holden, they're very successful. Are they shady? Do I hate them? No. I don't hate them. I don't think so.

Who writes on that show that we know? I don't want to say their names. I don't like them, I think. Do I don't like them? No, you do like them. Who don't you? Do you have feuds that I don't know about? Oh, I hate the world!

I hate the world, Ben! The one good thing about modern society is that improv comedy has been destroyed because it doesn't work on Instagram. The feuds from the comedy scene, UCB, People's Improv Theater, that was called the pit, the feuds that we grew up with in New York when we both got here in 2000. Oh my god, dude. I got here in 2006, I think you're an 05 guy. Yeah, I'm an 05 boy.

The feuds were so unbelievably comical in hindsight. It was like West Side Story but improv groups. Which is just West Side Story. Oh man, could you imagine waking up to an email from the comedy theater that you dedicated your last 10 years of your life to just saying, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, it's not happening anymore. We're not, you're not, you're just fucked via email. Could you imagine?

I mean, I would assume I would burn the building down. I would burn, like it's like you guys just be like, hey, I know we've been doing like round table, like all these shows, the other stuff, but yeah, you're just like via email, you're just fucking not in Last Podcast Network anymore. All right, and I touched the boys. You know, I will, if you are ever not in the Last Podcast Network, ever, if you are kicked out because you just, your ego took over, you're wearing nothing but valour suits, you're out there and you're just like, I am the golden child.

Which I'm actually fine if you say that because it's important to have confidence and that's what the audience really likes. I will personally fire you. I feel like there's another part of being, that's the thing where everyone fires over email, the joy of firing someone and obviously I love you, but the joy of firing someone that you don't like, that has got to be a super high. You have all the power in the situation. You finally get to do a mass pandemic, get to make people cry that you hate and you're

not going to take advantage of that. You're just going to sit a fucking email out of your mind and be bolder. Oh, was that, yeah. Oh my goodness. I mean, anyway, not to name names, but the UCB fired, mass fired a bunch of people. They did. Well, they're very busy. I think that entire company, I don't know if you are, this is my advice and they take

it. Ben's advice corner, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. It's time for Ben's advice, Gord. If you were coming to New York and you want to become an actor, an actress, a comedian, there's no need to go to school for it. That's my only advice. A lot of people waste a lot of money going to these schools and you don't really get anything from the school and then if you air quotes, graduate from the school, you still

pay to perform. My advice to all people, now you have to work your ass off to before you get paid. You do shows for free. You do spend your own money. But you got to figure out, I'm going to piggyback on this, you got to figure out how to do it yourself. Do it yourself. Get it in front of an audience yourself and that's how you'll learn.

That's how you do it. One of the things to start with is just the five people you met when you meet, when you come to New York or LA or, or Austin or Atlanta, it's just your friends and then they bring their friends and then that's how you start a show and all you need to have a show. We've done shows with three people, five people, now hundreds of people. All you need is more than three people and I would say I've even done shows with less. I think people need to hear this too. Even last podcast on the left was doing shows for like five people live.

When you guys first started doing live shows, but you put it up yourself, you found a space to do it. The beautiful thing about New York, LA, it's a little trickier, but it's still there. You can, there's always a venue for you to put your show up somewhere, even if it's some fucking weirdos, basement, art gallery pop up, but you can fucking get it done. Absolutely. A hundred percent agree with you on that, Ben. A hundred percent.

Some of these people are going into these pay to play comedy schools coming out of amassing a huge amount of college debt. So like just an unbelievable, and you're working a full-time job. It's just highway murder. I think, I mean, honestly, this whole, not to get too real, are we too real, too real? But this, this whole thing, I will say this pandemic thing is really going to shake up that whole improv sketch comedy racket for fucking sure, dawg. For sure.

Now let's do some, let's do some improv ourselves, Ben. You want to do some improv? Okay. Absolutely. Okay. Give us the time, tell Travis to give us a suggestion. Okay. Travis Morningstar from Able can stop at, do we have a suggestion?

Bus stop. Bus stop. Okay. Bus stop. Freeze, I'll fucking kill you. Put your fucking hands up. I don't. I'd prefer if you didn't.

Oh yeah? I'd prefer if you didn't have a blowjob instead. What kind of bus stop is this? And scene. See, you don't got to go to school to learn improv. Anyway, hold it, round table of gentlemen, you talked a lot about having sex with your mother. Yes.

How is that holding up? It's going quite well. Of course, now I have new mommy, so that's a whole new thing. The only problem is I can't- That's Lexi, that's your beautiful wife who you just took off air, holding just took the last cup of coffee from his wife, which is again why your father needed to beat you, at least your mom. Okay, I made that pot of coffee. She was still asleep in bed.

Everything is half and half. Why can't I have the coffee? Because your wife wanted it. No, but this is what I do. I don't know the rules. Why can't I have it? To be fair, I criticize my friends who are married sometimes because you're not being a good enough husband.

I can't handle anything. That's why I go alone. I'm a lone wolf with a dog. How are you handling this time though? Is this weird for you? Dude, all I know is if I could legally marry my PlayStation 4, it would be a marriage made in heaven. I cannot.

I am like in utero, like those fetuses in the matrix. I didn't realize they were having a great time within that saltwater sack. You don't want the red pill, yeah. I don't want the red pill. I want to sit on my couch, which is now just becoming toilet paper. It's disgusting. The whole thing is gross. I want to play my games.

I want to stay connected. I want to become lawnmower, man. I was not a gamer for years, holding, playing video games. I would watch. I actually didn't really mind watching and had my BLs watch and play the games. They're so good. The stories are so good, and sometimes I wanted to watch a TV show, but for the most part, I was like, whatever, holding, playing video games, I can watch this.

I want to be in the game now. I've never won. I want to be lawnmower, man. I want to officially just meld myself in the world, but of course, I guess if you did that, then in reality, if you died in the game, then you would die in real life. In real life, and that's not good, because I die a lot. I will say, too, to answer your question from before, I love New Mommy Mom, but I'm having a hard time getting the milk milk out of New Mom Mom, so I may have to inseminate in order

to receive the milk milk with a different- Well, are you guys- Are you- Are we trying? Are you doing that? Unfortunately, this whole sort of, I don't know, like, worldwide virus disease is really of making it shitty to want to put something in her body that would make her need to go to the hospital right now, but uh-

Well, you don't have to go right now. I think you can wait a little while. She wouldn't even know she was pregnant for a minute. We will start trying soon. We did, I did come in a cup, and they did look at my semen. That was weird, Ben. You did? Yes.

But today, I'm a very sweaty person. Everybody knows this. Holden McNeely, he is sweaty. And that day, it was a very hot day, and I did not wear a good shirt for what I had to do. It was a gray shirt where the sweat stains really show. It was also very far from the subway train, Ben. And so by the time-

But why- Okay, also, Henry sweats, or Holden sweats, and this is true, Holden sweats what looks to be a uterus on his stomach. It sweats in two different ways. It literally looks like ovaries going up to his breasts. So when you've walked into the hospital, what does the doctor say to you? Is he like, are you okay? You sound like Will Smith in the pursuit of happiness when he was going for the job interview

and he loses a shoe because he gets hit by a car, although that story is very heroic. And in your story, you have to come in a cup. It was a small doctor's office. I walked in, it was a very attractive receptionist, incredibly attractive. I am dripping with sweat, and I am just like, I am here to give my come to you. And she led me- Hey, what do you say? Do you really?

What do you say when you're going to go give your come to the doctor? I believe it was just something along the line. I'm here for the two o'clock. You know what I mean? Holden, whatever, dripping. I'm dripping with sweat. There's not great air conditioning in this doctor's office. She gives me a cup.

She leads me upstairs. This is a little room next to a doctor's office with a woman sitting inside a woman doctor with the door open. She leads me in this creepy room. There's a creepy black chair, like leather chair that you could sit in that I did not sit in. There was a TV, there were pornographic magazines, and there were DVDs. I did not touch those.

This is pre-COVID too, but I didn't touch them. Oh my goodness. I said, hey, they've got Wi-Fi. I've got the greatest hits right here on my phone, right? I've got it all. You've got your porn hub, your ex-video, whatever it is. I pulled up a very fun, threesome video, and it's a very good video where the two women, oh, they're fighting over the man's penis.

They're sort of at odds with each other, and they're kind of competing with each other, and then he's like, oh, why don't we all work together? Then they all sort of become friends in a sexual way after that. So I masturbated to that video. Really? I left it all on the dance floor, Ben. I got all, yeah, I filled the cup up, and then I had to take it downstairs. By the way, I am now, because I don't know about you, but when I masturbate, I become

my heart rate becomes bigger. Yeah, sure. Of course, it goes up a little bit. I'm sweating even harder. I go into the bathroom. There's a bathroom across the way. I run into the bathroom and try to dry off with paper towels. With the cum?

With the cum. I take the cum downstairs. I have to hand it to an old man in a tiny room, and then a walk out, and I had to pay for my session. I had to pay them $200 to steal cum money. So I'm sitting there just drenched in sweat. There's now a line of three people behind me. It was humiliating.

I ran out of the office in just terror. You had one-tenth of the experience of one of those women that have to go into the casting couch, and they don't realize how far it's going to go, perhaps. Very similar. So did the man, what did he do? Did he put a straw in it, sip it up, and be like, yeah, it's cum. What do they even do to know, and again, I don't, I am not enough. I think he probably, I think he looked at it.

And then what was the message? I can't believe I would appropriate with you. But I think they look at it in a microscope, and the thing is this, I've got a ton of boys, but they're a little slow. They're a little baked out. They're a little high. I was worried about that, because I smoked gargantuan amounts of wheat. So that's a real thing.

They're a little, my boys are a little slow. They're a little baked out, but there's a ton of them, and they're ready to fucking party, bro. So we're looking good, and her business is looking pretty good too, of course. She has more of a timeline, and that's why we're going to start trying soon. So that's the moral of that story. Well I think this is a wonderful time to start having a baby. Your gaming is going very well.

I see that you're sitting in an extremely comfortable chair. What will you do, Holden, because this is going to happen when your son or daughter, or something in between, I don't know what you're going to have. When they want to start playing the video games that daddy is playing, when they take the remote, I feel like you're going to have to stop at some point during the life cycle of your child. You're going to have to stop playing video games because you're going to have to let them play.

Is that going to be a possibility? Yeah, but we're not going to be doing no, not none, P word S. No P word S. They have to really bring it. They've got to come into the room ready to play. If they can't beat me two out of three in Street Fighter, they need to go back to the drawing board. And during my sleeping hours, that's when they train, and that's how we're going to do this thing.

You're not just going to come in and I'm going to go, oh, I'm so magically bad at the game because you're fucking five. Okay. Get your fucking shit together. You little fuck face. Well, honestly, minus all the slurring at the child and the curse words there for no reason. I think that you may make a better child than you because that seems to me like hard, not

hard, but inaccurate, a fair amount of discipline when it comes to the child. You make them get good. Don't go down to the kid. I think that's good advice. If you listen to a lot of the people who played basketball with their sons or daughters, they didn't let them make every layup. No, you block them if they go in weak. That's how you get better.

So I don't know what that means for your child. Maybe you monitor, maybe in the future, as we're seeing with this pandemic, one of the things that I'm surprised has not filled the power vacuum of sport more is online gaming. This is, online gaming is actually pretty fun to watch because these dudes and chicks are unbelievable and it really is. I was talking, I wasn't talking, I saw an interview with one of the dudes playing and he was talking about his training regimen. He was talking about what he eats before and during the games.

He was like so intense and I thought that was very interesting. And so maybe if we're going to live in a world now where we have roaming pandemics every 10 years or even not, I think online gaming should be on the forefront. So maybe your kids could make money on online gaming and then you can have the conversation. When I was a kid, there was no way to make money on online gaming. You were just a big fat, kind of a nerd, you know? Right, right. I was pretty in shape at that time, but yes, now I'm fat.

In shape? Well, everyone. World. We're allowed. But I feel like your kid, your kid could actually make a future in online gaming perhaps or just whatever in the game world. This is the problem then. You know and I know it's going to be a jock.

I like that I've been talking about this for a while. Our kid will be a motherfucking basketball pounding, butt slapping, you know, pedal to the metal, just true blue, all American baseball, hot dog, slang and jock for sure. I would love to be able to talk to your kid. I think that sounds awesome. If you could have a jocular child, I think that would be just wonderful. I'll go out to the yard with him. I'll let him hit me a bunch.

I don't know what the kids are doing these days. I'll bring a wrestling mat over every time a baby is said, well, I'll wrestle with the kid, but not in a priest way. Right. Would you recommend wrestling to the- Wrestling is one of the best sports a kid can do. Hurts the joints a little bit as you get older. But if you think about it, it's fine for the brain, not like football and no CTE coming

in with wrestling. Low to the ground doesn't hurt your knees like basketball. I don't think I would allow- Treat you disciplined. I don't think I would allow my kid to play football at this point. Because of the- I don't think you're going to have a problem with it. I don't think that your kid is going to- does Lexi come from an athletic family?

No. I don't know. No. Not at all. No, they're- But your older brother is very athletic. Yes. Your older brother is a little bit more put together.

He played all the sports. I was the nerdy, weird theater kid. Everybody loved Avery. Everybody hated Holden. And it was just the constant cycle. He was great. Even the sports I would pick up, Avery's not playing soccer, I'll play soccer. And then he was like, no, I'm going to play that this year.

And I'm going to be the goalie and I'm going to be the best on the team. Cool. Right. Thanks for that, Avery. And then I played La Crosse. He's like, I will, I too played La Crosse. And now I am the best on the team. It was brutal.

Well, you got to beat him. Anyway, you mentioned the number three McDonald's order and I'm trying to- Quarter pound or whatever. I was going to guess it. But that is what I was going to get. Here's a story about that. So I always had my go-to quarter pound of cheese, whether it was Wendy's or McDonald's. I had a big crush on this girl named Liz and I finally got her to go to lunch with me.

During senior year of high school, you could leave campus to go wherever you want. And I took her to Wendy's, classy guy that I am. I figured let's class it up. Let's not do the normal McDonald's Burger King fare. Let's go to where they put the fucking mayo on the square patty. I agree with you. I think that Wendy's, until Arby's came into town, Wendy's was the classiest place to go for fast food.

So I take her to the Wendy's and I order my go-to, a number three. Ha ha ha ha. No, no, no. A number three at Wendy's is this like disgusting triple decker burger. I've sent out this thing, I'm like, oh no, I ordered the wrong thing. And then I'm like trying to eat this thing, I've got just slobby meat all over my face. It's falling apart in my hands because it's so greasy because it's three patties. It was so humiliating.

She was laughing at me, she was taunting me. I was so in love with her, I would have paid a million dollars to just see what one of her breasts looked like. I was so horny, especially at that time. I was incredible. I've been, oh my God, I was so revved up. My word. I believe it, buddy.

And so such an embarrassing moment for me. But honestly though, that could go the either way. Maybe if it was the one she sees it, oh, that big old beef patty dripping down his strange, strange, kind of a lumpy, kind of going through the lumps like a marble race. He's a man's man. Look at all the meat he can consume. Wow, he's my kind of, it looks like he can unlock his jaw like a snake eating a turkey egg, all the turkey's don't lay eggs.

Maybe they do. I think all birds lay eggs. I think all the old lay eggs, whatever. She's aroused. Now it's time for you to show up. We saw what you can do with the burger, but now let's see what you can do with the button. Right. If you know what I mean.

You mean let her fuck me in the ass? Jesus God, Ben, in high school, we're not graduated up to that fucking level, bro. We're not in college fair. I don't know what I'm saying is, if you did get to the next level, because of your inexperience, that may have been worse than just having it sort of be done with the disgusting drippings coming off your chin as you guys sit at Wendy's and talk about, I don't even, maybe, Columbine. I have no idea what you guys were talking about. That probably is.

That's about around the same time period, huh? Yeah. It was our senior year. I think it was that for sure. Yeah, I wish I had not blown it with her. Liz, if you're listening to this, I think we still got something going. I would have to get a secret divorce from my wife though to make it happen. I do love my wife, by the way, my wife.

I love my wife. She can hear this right now. Hi, honey. I'm kidding. I'm not going to get a divorce. It's completely. No, no, you're definitely not going to be the one that gets a divorce in that relationship. Everyone knows that, but have you checked up on Liz lately?

That's one of the few things that social media provides us is the crushes that we all had for all genders. You can check up on them eight out of 10 times. They're not going to be doing great, right? And then sometimes you look at them and you were like, yep, dude, that's right out of my league since day one and continues to be the hot. I won't say her name. She has a very hot girl name, but I will say severely disappointed when I looked into

like the hottest girl in my school now. So she's doing it. She's happy. She's got kids and everything, but it did not, it did not continue after high school. I will say that. And I continue the, the hotness factor as opposed to Henry Holden, Marcus, myself, Eddie, Jackie, just the hottest people in the world. Wow.

I hope that everyone is happy out there. And if you were, that's a nice thing. If you high school is not the end all be all when it comes to who is doing well in life. And Lexi just sent Holden a picture of a animated character flipping him the bird. So that'll be a fight later. Very happy that we could cause that. She's wearing a cute little, the cart, the, it's, it's her avatar wearing a cute little unicorn costume with a giant foam middle finger being pointed directly at me.

So that it will be a fun divorce so fight for us after this, which is fantastic. Very nice and hopefully some love making can happen afterwards and we can get an LPN baby. Another one, because of course we have Molly Neville, your compadre on page seven, make sure to listen to Holden on everything he does, page seven wizard and the bruiser go down the road of the round table of gentlemen. Many years ago we recorded those episodes. I don't think any episode and none of us are sober on any episode right fully, 100%. It's basically like kind of drunk to super drunk, but it's, it's just fun nonstop banter.

A lot of animal insemination conversations for some reasons because Marcus coming from the, coming from the ranch life, of course, we should have gotten the ranch life. We could have called it the ranch life. I also want to say congratulations man, I see a giant bottle of water in front of you. Stay hydrated my friends. You got it. Thank you. You got also Ben Kissel, Abe Lincoln's top hat, the, oh my God, kind of fun, the wrestling

show. Yes. Of course, last podcast on the left I hear is a fun show that people. We're out there. Well thank you so much and thanks everyone for supporting the network. We appreciate you, we're going to get through this time together as we always do. And yeah, I suppose that's about it. It feels, I don't want to go, but we'll play Division 2 later on tonight.

We will play. I think we're going to get Henry play. Also Wizard of the Bruiser podcast. Check that out as well. I don't know if you mentioned that, but that's, that's. I did mention about Wizard of the Bruiser. It's amazing. And they will be going on the road live as soon as they let us leave our house.

That's happening real soon. I can't. It's the year that wasn't. Very excited. Very excited. Okay everyone. Hail yourselves. We'll talk to you soon.

Holden, do you leave a catch? Do you go off of the catch phrase? Wow, I might have AIDS. Bye everyone. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.