LATE BLOOMERS - 8: UNMASKING AT HOME: 10 Signs You’re Still Performing for the People You Love

Episode Date: September 16, 2026

You might take the mask off after work—but are you actually taking it off at home? This week, Rich and Rox expose ten ways ADHD and autistic people can still perform around the people they trust most, from saying “I’m fine” and agreeing to plans you secretly dread to hiding sensory overwhelm, exhaustion and chaos.They talk fake facial expressions, panic-cleaning, apologising for moods that have nothing to do with you and why “I’ll do it later” often means something completely different. It turns out feeling safe enough to be honest can involve more awkward conversations—and fewer forced cuddles.20% off Loop Earplugs: ⁠https://www.loopearplugs.com/adhdlove

So you've heard of masking, but are you still masking at home? We are going to talk about 10 ways that you might still be performing for your partner. If you're autistic, that might look like faking facial expressions. And if you're ADHD, it might look like saying, I'll do it later when you know it's really hard to get started. Welcome to Late Blooms where we are getting our lives together. Eventually, brought to you by our age. amazing sponsor, the wonderful blue earplouse. Okay, masking at home.

So everybody will probably understand what masking is, but they will very much probably be thinking that it's sort of in public, at work, at school. For anyone that doesn't know, it's hiding or minimizing your neurodivergent traits because you've been socialised that way, out of shame, basically pretending to be somebody else and it can be useful out in the real world but where you absolutely do not want to mask

is at home with your family with your trusted people but of course we've got so used to doing it that so many of us still do don't we? Definitely like we've got 10 things to go through I reckon a few of them we still do now and most of them we definitely did at the start of our relationship like all of them.

Absolutely. So we're just going to kind of talk about the ways in which we both have and still mask at home. And it would be amazing for you to think about how are you masking in your like safest space and ways that you could start to break down some of those barriers. So do you want to start us off, babes? Yeah, let's do it. Number one, saying I'm fine instead of saying what's wrong. Oh, Lord. Now I've given this some thought because that's obviously quite a.

natural human response being like I'm fine. But I think it's for me specifically I like I'll say I'm fine when I haven't got the words yet to sort of know what's wrong. Like I know that there's something wrong. It's easier to just say I'm fine because if you ask me loads of questions about it, I'm not going to know any answers. So I think now I'm like no I'm not but I just need to, I don't really know what's going on. I just need to be need to be, need to be. some time. I think you still do this sometimes. And I've noticed, I've, actually, I have to try hard to change my interpretation

because you'll say I'm fine when you're quite clearly not fine. And historically, and sometimes now, depending on what mood I'm in, that can feel like I'm being lied to or not shared with. because I can see really clearly when you're not fine. So a recent example wasn't at home. But when we were on holiday, it was the last day of the holiday. And you woke up and I just knew something was wrong. And Lily, your youngest, knew something was wrong and came and asked me, is Daddy okay?

So the people that love you can see something's not right. Yeah. And then I was like, Bubby, are you okay? I'm fine. Out of interest. Why were you not aware something? was wrong? Did you need the processing time? I don't think I did know what was wrong. I can't even remember now. It was the planning of the day of the leaving and the travel and it was overwhelming

you a bit, but maybe you didn't know. Yeah. So I think sometimes of autism, you're not aware of how you're actually feeling. Yeah, I think I was in a different world, which was the travel to the ferry port like all the packing all the organization where things might be in the house like what's the checkout procedure because I hadn't heard from there so like I wasn't in the real world I was in that world and that's obviously what you picked up on but maybe I didn't know because like when I hear is every you okay I'm like is anything bad and I'm like no it's not bad it's just I'm thinking about that. a lot of things. So interesting. What would be a better question to help you to share,

like say if Lil and I have noticed something's, you're not okay or something's going on. What's a better question than are you okay? Like in that scenario, maybe like, what's on your mind? What's on your mind? I love that. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Look at us already. I'm asking. Okay, over to me. Number two. Oh gosh, it's saying as an ADHDer, I'll do it later. I reckon that is in the top three of things that you say the most. Get me some chocolate and I'm tired being the other thing. Yeah. And it is masking.

And this is something that I do now because it's really difficult to tell the truth about what's happening. So I'll use, I'll do it later for, it might be, I just really don't want to do it now. Just please leave me alone. I don't want to do it now. I'll do it later. It might be I'm really struggling with how to get started and I'm ashamed to say that. So I'll do it later. It might also be if you've asked me to do something and that's annoyed me, because you've

asked me to do something I was going to do. I'm doing it later now. Like I'll do it later covers loads of different areas of, of mind. masking because it doesn't feel okay. And I do sometimes say it now, I'm like trying to say, no, I'm not doing that right now. I don't want to or I'm not doing that at all or I will do it tomorrow. It feels like that's not allowed. So I'll do it later.

Just kind of gets it off my desk. Yeah. It sort of ends the conversation that you don't want to have. It's also a way to stop you asking me any questions. even if you're offering to help me. So if you're like, oh, can I help you do your wear again, Shell? I'm like, I'm going to do it later. It's a way for me to refuse being helped, which is really strange.

Why would you want to refuse help? Shame, probably. I guess maybe all the reasons are shame-based, right? Like, all of those examples are probably rooted in the shame of whether you're struggling, whether you just don't want to do it, whether you're annoyed because you've been asked to do something. All of them are probably rooted in that. Oh yeah. Shame, baby.

Right. Number three, for me, the customer service act. So like this could be tone or facial expression. And when I was writing this out, it was like not really emotional, like tears emotional. But like, the reason that you do that is to make people believe that you're not miserable. And it doesn't happen now, but like it made me think that it makes as an autistic or as me, my experience of autismism is like if you're just normal for you, that can be perceived as moody or grumpy or miserable. And so you don't want to be perceived as that because you're not. So you have to like act, which I think is quite sad. He is sad.

Why do you think it's sad? Well, because you're sort of hiding the real you. Like you know now that I'm fairly monotonous, whether I'm happy or grumpy. And I'll very much, the way that I like to communicate, the way I receive information, the way I like to give information is,

with words rather than body language or tone or voice and stuff like that I'll just I'll like say if I'm annoyed rather than subtle hints and stuff so but but it's been drummed into me that you have to pretend to smile or put a different voice in or I still do it now not with you but you know if someone you do it with the kids sometimes which I think is intentional if you're talking about trying to show love or care, I can sort of see you like turning up the human act. I think that's really important because you're teaching them like emotions and attunement, even though it's not easy for you.

With me, I don't think you do it anymore. Like, I pretty much get the same version of you every day. I think you're doing really well there. Yeah. Actually. There you go. Win. So no more customer service act for the autistics.

I love it. Okay, number four. It's hit so hard. I don't think I'd do this anymore. Okay. The RSD apology. Hmm. No, you don't do it anymore.

So it would be noticing a change in your mood. By the way, this is pre-knowing you were autistic and pre-loads of psychoanalysis for me. So a couple of years ago. Yeah. I'd notice a change in your mood, lightly because you're overthinking a plan. Yeah.

I would read that as, I've done something wrong. So I would like preemptively people please and fawn and be like, Bobby, I'm really sorry if I've upset you, have I done something, was it this? And it's an apology based purely from RSD, from anxiety, from people pleasing. It's not real.

It makes my skin crawl a bit. The amount I used to apologize to you for making you angry. Yeah. He's just angry all the time. I'll give up. I'm kidding. It is so easy to see how the last couple of things that we've said really weave together, like, especially in an autistic ADHD dynamic where one is fairly monotonous,

one is really sensitive to tone and body language and RSD and then people pleasing. It's just a minefield, isn't it? If you didn't know, we didn't have this. knowledge, you could end up hating each other or at very least feeling unloved, unknown. Because when you know, it's like, oh, right, yeah. So I don't do that anymore. No. And I'm actually so, so happy that I don't. And I don't do that outside of the house. I think kicking the RSD apology is something really worth taking the time on. In and out of the house. There you go. Number five, we're coming in with masking

sensitivity. So this could be, this happens a lot with Sear because they like loud music playing in any room that they're in and it completely destroys my brain. By the way, both of us are autistic. So obviously everyone's different. Yeah. But like I can't handle it. And I can't handle music on, even in someone's company really, unless you're dancing, the music needs to be at a level where I can fully hear the other person so there is an option for dialogue. But just accepting that and just being uncomfortable, like, it's like putting yourself through torture

rather than saying, guys, can we turn the music down, please? Historically, I think you might have ignored it. Yeah. When I think when we were first together, and my God, I'd have been blasting out and John and dancing around. You were probably, but what would, happen, it doesn't happen anymore because you do tell the truth, if you are feeling uncomfortable

or overwhelmed, which also you have to learn that language as a late diagnosed autistic person, what does that feel like? You could go so far that you would then get angry or snap because you've kept it all in and then it comes out. It's like, turn that down. Like, yeah, well, you're overwhelmed. You're overwhelmed and then it bubbles over. Like, what, can you try and describe it like if the music is too loud and it's effect like what does it feel like that sensitivity? I just, I don't know how to explain the sensitivity but you just feel agitated. I certainly just feel agitated.

It's like, oh, I can't concentrate, I can't hear myself. I can't hear myself think is a real phrase that rings true. Yeah, okay. And, and, you know, I understand why people just put up with it because actually expressing your sensitivities, like whether that be light or music, can feel a little bit like embarrassing. It's like, I can't handle loud noises. Can we turn it down?

It's almost like childlike. But for me, that's how it lands with me. So it's like quite a difficult thing to share. Yeah. You know, I imagine that is harder, but you do really well on that now. I think another one is temperature. Yeah.

You used to put up with all kinds of things, but now, like, you run very hot. Yeah. You can't sleep if you're hot, so we need fans or an aircon unit. Yeah. And no cover, like you will always say if you're struggling with your feet or your temperature. I think that's really good. Oh, the feet. Anyway, talking about masking sensitivities, do you just want to talk about our sponsors quickly?

Absolutely. Struggling with sound sensitivities can be a really big part of the neurodivergent experience. For Rich, that looks like when I drag him to a rock concert kind of shaking in the back of the room. And for me, it might be travelling on a train or being out for dinner and not being able to hear what Rich is saying, because I can basically overhear the entire restaurant. This is what loop earplugs are incredible for. They have got a loop earplug for basically any situation, whether you're studying, napping, sleeping, going to a big rock concert or going to a restaurant.

We have got an amazing partnership with Loop whereby every one of our listeners gets 20% off our favourite products. You can find the link to that in our show notes or in our social media bio. Enjoy. Right. On to number six. This is so sad. And it's hiding your chaos.

So for me, that might be. panic cleaning before you would come home. Yeah. Like actually hide in stuff or hiding unfinished projects out of shame. So like when we were first together, I remember you were working in the bank and I'd kind of lay in bed all day or I'd be messy all day or I'd be doing some art project. And then I'd know you were coming home and I'd like leave it till the last minute.

and then I'd jump out of bed and panic clean and hide stuff because I wouldn't want you to think I'd been in all day in a messy house. Yeah. Even now, I probably... You definitely do this now still. If you're coming home, I will get up and clean it all. But what's funny is, I say you do it now. It's like unwritten that we know what's going on because I get...

So say I'm coming home from an airport, I'll land. As soon as I've got signal, there will be a text. on my phone, guaranteed, hi, Bubby, what time are you getting back? And I know that isn't because you want to know what time I'm getting back. It's because you want to know your work back from there and think when do I need to start tidying up. So I don't think that's masking then. Because we obviously know, I'd even say to you, I'd need to clean it's a shithole. I don't think that's masking, the fact that we know. I think it was masking in the early years when I wouldn't share with you. I've just panic cleaned for 15 minutes. So I agree to an extent. I agree that it's

not masking because we know. I feel like truly unmasking would be like, babe, I want to tidy the house up. I can't be bothered to start now. What time do you get home because I need to clean it? Like rather than mask it around. I'm interested in what time you get home. So next time I'm going to be, look, it's pig style. I can't be. I need a deadline when you get an omen. Yeah. I'll give it a go. You know, it takes me all the way back to, in my 20s and 30s, living in an actual pigsty.

And if someone would come and knock on my door, I couldn't open the door or I'd have to clean, like, like, crippling shame of the way that you're living and not wanting anyone to see. Because their judgment was worse than actually living in it, which is, like, that's how little you think of yourself. Oh, I'll happily live in a big style, but I don't want you to see me. Yeah, it's why it's sad. Yeah, it's why it is sad. I'm, I think I'm doing a little bit better. There's still some work to do and I'm ready to, I'm ready for the challenge. Number seven, performing togetherness. So like, not wanting to say, can I just be left alone for a bit? That that's what I need. I don't know I'm on the fence with this like I don't think that I do it

because I do say babe I'm going to go do this and then I'll take myself off to watch Marvel whatever it is build a desk but no but that's the other side of the coin like I remember when you were away for a couple of days and I did the your like dressing area

and I was like I loved it because from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed it was all like going to be in Q, spending far too much time in being cute, like deciding what sort of panelling I was going to use and how I was going to do it. And I know I loved that, but I also knew then that you would hate that. So I don't know like whether I would even entertain that if you were here. Do you know what I mean?

That's interesting. I think you probably would spend more time on the garden, little projects, DIY obsessions without me here, so maybe it's something to work on. I think you're way better at when you need processing time. Like you'll be like, I'm going to go into the bedroom, I'll speak to you soon. I just need to process. Yeah. Like no worries.

Whereas historically you would force a conversation or force being around the family and that would lead to overwhelm and what might be read as anger, but it was actually like an overwhelm reaction. I think you do really well there. Okay, number eight, the yes that you don't mean. Agreeing to plans, chores, work or socialising with absolutely no thought to your energy capability. How do you reckon you do with this one? What's yours?

Terrible. Like this is the one, I'm like doing pretty good at unmasking at home, but this one. I'm not very good at. Why do you reckon you do it? Because you, I don't think, you wouldn't be scared to say no. Like,

I think you genuinely believe the yes when you say it. I don't want to look lazy. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to invite judgment or worry from you. Like, let's say if it's work. And in the morning, you'll be like, right, Bobby, got a big work day today.

We need to lock in. Are you ready? And I'd be like, yeah, of course. In my head, I'm like, I want to go and jump off a cliff. Like, I'm not ready. I've got no energy. I don't know how I'm going to get to it.

Yeah, okay. But I don't want to be perceived as someone that is not willing to try. And sometimes the yes will work. I'll go, yep, I'm ready. And then by the time we've started and I've done a monster, I'm okay. Other times I say yes and I'm not okay. And I end up in a social situation or agreeing or doing something. And that's where I get overwhelmed by my own plans.

And that's where I can probably skew what's seen as angry or rude. I don't want to do that. Why didn't you just say that? I feel like there's somewhere in the middle, right? Because the alternative to saying yes to everything doesn't need to be saying no to everything. Just like it on that work day, for example, you could be like, I know we've got to do it. But like the thought of it is horrible, to be honest with you right now. Like, or if someone says, do you want to do this tomorrow and be like, right now I would,

but I like, can I see how I am? Oh, that's interesting. So it's not a difference between yes or no. You're just trying to tell the truth that might be a bit vague and buys you a bit of time. Yeah. I really, really like that. So, yeah, let's do some examples. Do you want to go to cinema tonight?

I'm not sure. We've got quite a lot to do today. I might. can we check in later? Yeah. So much better than saying yes. Because the minute I say yes, that becomes an autistic plan. Or no, because you might double down and then actually want to go later.

Chores, the answer to do you want to do a chore is never yes. If I say yes, I am masking to say you know. So that should be, do you want to do it? No, but I will do it. Yeah. Or I'm psyching myself up, but just a bit more. honesty and then work. Yes, same thing.

I'm going to really try. It's like almost an autopilot reaction. If I'm asked to do something I think I'm expected to do, I just want to say yes to avoid judgment. But let's unmask that. Let's sack it off. Number nine, this is quite funny or not or sad, however you want to look at it.

The forced cuddle. Oh, no. So accepting cuddles regardless of feeling or preference. Oh, no. I feel like this does bring me. Because when we were preparing for this episode, I got a bit of guilt. Oh.

Because I'm not like a physical touch person. And it's not because I don't love you. It's because I get really hot. So if you try and cuddle me in bed, within 30 seconds, I'm like, I'm so hot. And this human radiator is lying on me.

But I know it's just your way of showing love. But you said like, I just don't get cuddles anymore. And I know that's really important to you. So I do think there is something to work on there. I don't think maybe we... Is there? I don't know, right?

Because you've got to think if both people are unmasking, it's you going, I don't want to cuddle, I get hot. And it's me going, cool, I don't get cuddles anymore. Like, I'll live with it. I'll get love in other ways. Maybe there doesn't have to be a perfect middle ground. Hmm. Maybe there's more cuddles, shorter stints of cuddles. Maybe like not, like outside of like normal life, like in a supermarket or out on a walk or whatever.

Oh, because I wouldn't get too hot there. Okay. That could be something that I could. I will always take a cuddle. Yeah. On the golf course, if I hit a bad shot and I feel ashamed, I would love a cuddle. Yeah. in that moment.

And I could do better then because I am not going to be thinking it's a squeeze, it's a love, it's a showing of love, I can do that. So I will. It won't come naturally though. So you might have to start asking for it a bit more. That makes it even more sweet. I tell you when you do cuddle me. When you're crying.

When I'm crying. And you always have from when we were first together, probably a bit less nowadays, which is bloody lovely. But I was always weeping about something, wasn't I? And I had a really. strange relationship with crying. Yeah. Anyway, so I'd come in and I'd be like, Bobby, I'm going to cry.

And then I'd start crying. And you would always cuddle me, like, no matter. I wouldn't even think that you were uncomfortable. But you could probably, I'm just thinking at it, because I will work on this. But I think, like, maybe where you would like more cuddles isn't just in the sad moments, but it's also like maybe when you've come off stage of a big show or whatever, like to celebrate and stuff like.

that, I would imagine. So that is one moment. You'd love a cuddle. I would. And it's historically has landed as a little bit sad. Yeah. Not now. I will do better.

There's this picture of me. This year I played the main stage. A Download festival. It was a massive career highlight. I sort of came off stage and I hugged Charlie at my guitarist because he's very physically affectionate. And there's this picture of me hugging Charlie. You're sort of next to me. I'd have loved to come and hug you.

Yeah. Not that don't love chas. I really do, but there probably are some moments where you're not hot. Yeah, I'm going to work on that. Extract a few more colours. And I'll stop trying to cuddle in bed. Done. Done.

Okay. Number 10, my last one, and it's perfect for talking about being in bed, it's hiding. So much of mine is hiding. hiding recovery time. What do you mean? I don't do this with you anymore. Like you can quite easily walk into a room, right,

and see me in bed in the afternoon or like on the sofa with blankets when I'm meant to be doing something else. Yeah, absolutely I can. In the past, that wouldn't happen and it would be a really common experience say I'd be in bed and I'd hear keys in the door

and I'd jump up. You'd light a candle. I remember this when we were first together. I'd pretend I'd do something. I'd be higher, what you've been up to. I'd just a bit of work. I had to hide that I've been in bed for a few hours because I felt so

ashamed of how much downtime I needed. I guess there's probably some like kid reasons like were you called lazy as a kid or was there a lot of anxiety when a parent came home. But yeah, that's only kind of left me, like seeing me as a big lazy potato. Big lazy potato. You just lay in there like a big comfortable baked potato. Why are potatoes lazy though? I don't know.

Because they don't move. I don't know. Just feels like the right description. I really feel, it's lovely. Like I feel no shame. I feel no urgent. to jump up and look active. But I did, yeah, jump up and light a candle

and then pretend that I'd be more productive. Yeah. Than I'd be. Well, it wouldn't just be key in the door. Like, when I worked in the bank, you would text every day, what time am I arriving home? It would be for the same sort of reason. Well, it's the panic clean as well as,

so I can be out of bed or off the sofa, like cooking something. Yeah. So no one ever sees you. But now I see that as, totally different. Like, nope, I don't, I'm not on my feet nine to five, but I work loads of different jobs, sometimes on weekends, sometimes late at night, sometimes in a hyperfocus, like it just comes differently. And that might mean I'm in bed at lunchtime. And you do not

hide it. I don't. I'm going straight to bed after this episode. Guys, this has been late bloomers where we're talking about unmasking at home. We would love to hear from you. How do you think you're masking at home? Where are the areas you could unmask? Did something we say strike a chord, or did we not mention something that's important to you? Let us know in the comments. If you've enjoyed today,

give us a like, subscribe, follow all of that jazz, and we will see you next week. See you next week.