LATE BLOOMERS - 8: YOU ARE NOT YOUR WORST MISTAKE: 10 Beliefs Keeping You Trapped in Shame

Episode Date: September 23, 2026

Shame doesn’t say you did something bad. It says you are bad—and that belief can quietly ruin your whole life. This week, Rich and Rox confront ten things they’ve struggled to forgive themselves for, including addiction, debt, divorce, executive dysfunction, parenting mistakes and feeling like they’d wasted their lives.Rich shares the darkest consequences of his gambling addiction, while Rox opens up about the shame of being unable to manage basic tasks and believing she couldn’t trust herself. It’s raw, occasionally brutal and somehow still funny—because your worst mistake doesn’t have to become your entire identity.20% off Loop Earplugs: ⁠https://www.loopearplugs.com/adhdloveCHAPTERS00:00 The difference between shame and guilt01:38 “I can’t let anybody see how I live”03:03 “What’s that smell?”05:03 “My mistakes are unforgivable”05:50 Rich’s gambling addiction07:30 Why everyone needs a redemption story08:13 “I’ve wasted my life”11:02 “I’ve failed in relationships”14:03 “I’m a terrible friend”16:06 Loop Earplugs17:08 “Why don’t I want to be touched?”18:40 “I can’t trust myself”21:27 Being an emotionally unavailable father23:23 “I’m scared I’m a bad parent”26:13 Shame about autistic sensitivities27:41 Final thoughts

Shame is one of the worst emotions we can feel as humans. Today, we're going to talk about 10 shameful self-beliefs that we have and asked you to question what you're holding on to and what you might be able to let go of. Welcome to late bloomers where we are getting our lives together. Eventually brought to you by our amazing sponsor. Loop earplugs. You're ready for a fun. I was going to say, this one sounds awful.

Shame episode. Yeah. Great. Hopefully we haven't got, we've got something fun to do after this. Let's go and play golf, yeah? Yeah, okay. So, look, shame is that deep sense of, like,

personal hatred and failure. It's like being disgusted at yourself. It's not feeling guilt, which can be healthy. It's a really just deep sense of disgust. Well, I, like, I heard this a few years ago, but, like, the difference between shame and guilt is, like, shame is, like, shame is,

I am a bad person or and guilt is I've done bad things. Like one is real like core identity. I think it's Brene Brown. So you can be aware that you've done something wrong and feel guilty and that's actually very healthy. But shame is if you do something that you feel is like awful or unforgivable. Like you'll never get over it. And if you feel shame, you're actually never going to lead like a really happy, calm, nice life. So we're here to kick it in the bum. By the way, have you written your card upside down? Right. Be honest. I wrote your card.

I've only just remembered. I wrote your card. That's fine. Okay, I'll start. Okay, so we're going to read like 10 shameful statements that really relate to our lives and us, but it also might relate to someone if they're neurodivergent. In fact, just human. I feel this is a very human episode.

So number one, I can't let anybody see how I live. This was one of my most shameful beliefs from probably 18. to just before we met. 38, yeah, probably two decades. When I moved out of my parents' house and went to uni, things fell apart. I lived in complete pigsty. You had a fly infestation. I had a fly infestation.

Then when I moved out of uni and got my own place, I never did the washing up. So there was mould. You couldn't see the floor. I never cleaned my sheets. I would save up, well, I'd wear dirty clothes and then every six months take bags of IKEA stuff to the local laundrette.

I just felt like... Or bags of IKEA stuff? Like bags. The IKEA bags. I was full of dirty clothes. I hadn't washed for six months. I'd wash it all in one go. And I just felt like the most disgusting, despicable human.

And I wouldn't tell my friends. I wouldn't tell my partners. I'd really try and hide it because I was so ashamed. The most emotional thing you've ever said to me in this lane was when you worked, I think in a bank and you hadn't done any washing and somebody said, what's that smell? And you realized it was you. It was my clothes.

Yeah. That must be pretty soul-destroying. I mean, shameful. Obviously, didn't go home and wash my clothes. that's the real difficulty when you're unable to connect your mind what your mind wants to do and get your body into action yeah I've just been so embarrassed so ashamed even when we were first together

I would pretend to be cleaner and more organised than I was the shame of this one is just knowing our community like I do like I bet this one's quite rife like I think about Dubby that helps loads of people do what society deems as basic tasks and it's actually hundreds of people every day logging on just to clean their teeth or change their bed in or and stuff that they because of their executive dysfunction really properly struggle with. So like that has got to marry up with shame. I feel like Dubby, for anyone that doesn't know, it's a, it's an app that we run where,

yeah, if we'll log on a few times a day and clean together in a big video. video call, it's been life changing, it was probably born out of my shame and thinking about what would have actually helped me, because I couldn't tell friends or family, because I didn't think they'd understand having people you can speak to, either also neurodivergent or also understand, oh, it changes the game. So yeah, if anyone's kind of feeling that way, I think you're right, so many people that struggle with executive dysfunction are going to not allow anyone to see it and you need someone to see it so they can help you. Right.

A strong, joyful start to this week's episode. So my number two is my mistakes are unforgivable. So I want to give you quite a specific one. I haven't spoke about it loads, but bits I have. I used to have a gambling addiction, lost all my money, lied to everyone that loved me, you know, hid at work, doing it, all that sort of stuff. completely took over my life. And I always would consider myself and have considered myself quite a level-headed, sensible person. But it all went out of the window when it came to,

it wasn't so much gambling on sport. It was like spinning slots on the machine, which I know is a mugs game, really. Like the Buckey, the casino or Bucky always wins. But anyway, the mistakes that are unforgivable were some of the actions. Like it gripped hold of me so hard. I was spinning slots on my phone whilst driving. So I wasn't concentrating on the road, putting myself and everyone on the road at risk. And there was even occasions where I would do it where I had a newborn baby in the backseat doing it. And that to me is like the most disgusting behaviour that anyone could.

could do. Like, and it's taken a long time. I still don't think I've like forgiven myself for it because it's just irresponsible parenting. Like, you know, if something had happened, I would be the first person to be like, lock him up and throw away the key. Like, that's not, that's not okay. Do you think that where you are now is still feeling a lot of guilt over it,

but less shame? Like, the way you used to talk. about it would be like, hating, like, you'd say horrendous things about yourself. Yeah, I feel, yes, I would definitely put it in the lane of, like, I'm a good person that was struggling and something got hold of me. And I've, and I've actually done a lot to come out of that. Like, I hold myself accountable for the people that I hurt and lie to and the things that I've done, which has helped. And I also think, which I never, used to see. I am an incredibly lucky individual for it not to have ended a lot worse than it did.

Yeah, I think having mistakes you think are unforgivable. It just means you never get to have freedom or have a redemption story, which is so important. It's so important for people to overcome their demons and talk to other people about doing it. But there's stuff when you had addiction problems, there's going to be stuff. Like, there's stuff in my past that I wouldn't even want to say on a podcast that you've done or partaken in. But it doesn't have to define you. It doesn't have to define your story, who you can be today.

And people are defined by the actions they take every day now. Yeah. Okay, number three for me. And again, this is like more a few years ago, not now, but my Lord. This one got hold of me. It was I've wasted my life. Yeah. So I really struggled at uni. It's when my mum died just after uni and I just went from job to job to job, relationship to relationship. I never saved any money. I was constantly drinking and doing drugs. I was a total nightmare. And I sort of got into my mid-30s and looked back and was like, what have I got to show for my life?

oh a load of debt, a bad credit rating, a load of people that hate me. And that's it. And my friends were like getting married, having kids, buying houses. And I was a complete reprobate. Yeah. And that was really, really heavy. Like I truly did at that time, like hate myself and just think, look what you've done with that one life. And what sort of, I guess what changed that?

Because obviously your life went on a different path and trajectory. Well, I can even go back to 2022. I recorded my first EP when we were together. And the intro of that is like a sort of replay of something that happened in therapy of me saying like I wasted my life. So it was still kind of that thought was haunting me four years ago. Yeah. So, so creative. I think meeting you was huge because when we fell in love and I became a stepmom, well,

I haven't wasted my life because, you know, we had this amazing, beautiful love story and I fell in love with both kids. So it gave me something like tangible that I could be like, doesn't matter what's happened with my bank balance or my credit rating or my failed attempts at having a music career, I've got this beautiful family now. I think as well, as well as the home life, I think don't underestimate whether it's consciously or subconsciously, like the, what's happened professionally, the people that you've touched with music, people who help with Wubby, the community, with ADHD love. There's a lot of like purpose in what we do as well at the moment.

Oh, I wouldn't say it now. Now I'm like, oh my God, I'm living my life. I want more life. Yeah. But that's almost, that's why I'm so. passionate about that not being someone's shameful belief because you never know what's going to happen. But certainly when I was living under, you've wasted it. You're a loser. You're such a failure. It's not really the conditions to create change. Definitely. That's made me smile because I remember

saying quite recently, I'm quite up for like having a health check once a year and stuff because I care more about living now than I did. Like I didn't care 10 years ago. I'd be like, whatever. be fine. Anyway, number four, I failed in relationships. So I can, I can sort of talk about it in jest now, but two divorces by the time I was 30, 32. Come on. Do you know what I mean? What? Two. And that carried a lot of shame because it was obviously they weren't, they were both seven-year relationships. They were both like long-term relationships, both had children involved. Yeah, it was just like, what's wrong with me? What's going on here? Something's wrong. But something was wrong. Well, yeah.

I think a huge part of your story was, because they're coming clean. That's a really wrong phrase. being honest about the abuse you had been through as an eight-year-old boy and going to therapy for that. Because of course, going through that from a family member, it's going to mess with your ability to build long-term intimate relationship. Yeah. But I imagine as well, you know, it's made me sad when you don't really say it anymore, which is amazing, but you used to say how embarrassed you were in front of your brother. You would kind of got married and had a really happy marriage, two beautiful kids,

and that second divorce almost in comparison to him, you felt like you'd nailed, but I don't think you'd think that now? No, I don't. I mean, it was, it's difficult not to think that when you've got the same amount of kids as you've got divorces. Do you know what I mean? with each other. Yeah.

Well, is two divorces any worse than me? Ten failed one year back to back. Like, yeah, on paper because it's been legal and there's, you have to go to court and get it all sorted. But honestly, who's worse? The person who gave it a good go being committed, tried to enter the adult world. Or me, you just messed about jumping from one to the other.

Yeah. We're right now, though, Bobby, and I? Three marriages, two divorces. Two divorces. That is a net win for marriage. No, because you said that each lasted seven years. We've got six months left. Oh, that's okay.

Better make the most of that then. Yeah, let's have some fun, babe. Right, okay, next one. Oh, Lord. I'm a terrible friend. I felt this way from when I was really young, probably teenager, up until now, I still struggle with it a bit

because I don't like to keep in touch on text messages. I really struggle. I feel suffocated by it. Sometimes I have a burst of energy and reply to everyone and then I won't. Or they'll reply back to you and you're like back to the same situation. I just can't get a hold of it and I wish it was different. It's like the one thing I'd change about myself would be being able to be in normal communication with people. one friend of mine, she's been a friend of mine for many, many, many decades.

She's called Kat. In my 20s, early 30s, maybe I stopped speaking to her. She didn't reply one day. I don't think I replied to her for like a year. Yeah. And she got engaged and had a marriage in that time. She was one of my best friends. And I saw her on Facebook, oh, she was having like post-celebration after her wedding.

So I'd ignored her for a year. And I'd got on a plane and I went to where this post-wedding drinks were and I showed up and I was like so anxious. I was hiding around a corner shaking. But like I went in and that was the start of us. Reconnecting. Reconnecting. So I can be a terrible texter.

But I will eventually come good. I just make it quite hard for myself, you know? Yeah. What about you in friendship? Are you? Similar. I don't really instigate much, to be honest.

But you don't feel shame about it. I don't feel shame about it. That's the difference between us. Because I'm fairly honest. Like, I'll be like, you won't, I'll reply, but I won't, I won't really think about you

when we're not in the same room. And that sounds awful, but it's just the reality. No. I love that. And before we get on to our next very happy, shameful secret, I'm going to do a very quick word from our amazing sponsor. Struggling with sound sensitivities can be a really big part of the neurodivergent experience. For Rich, that looks like when I drag him to a rock concert kind of shaking in the back of the room. And for me, it might be traveling on a train or being out for dinner and not being able to hear what Rich is saying because I can basically overhear the entire restaurant. This is what Loop Earplugs are incredible for.

They have got a loop earplug for basically any situation, whether you're studying, napping, sleeping, going to a big rock concert or going to a restaurant. We have got an amazing partnership with Loop whereby every one of our listeners gets 20% off our favourite products. You can find the link to that in our show notes or in our social media bio. Enjoy.

Right back to doom and gloom. You ready? Yeah. My number six is, why don't I want to be touched by the person I love? So this is very much a physical touch thing. I think it's definitely more,

I still feel a bit of guilt, but not shame anymore. Yeah. But it was like, I can't do cuddles. I get too hot. I can't watch these films about people spooning in bed. all night. I'd be, I would be so drenched with sweat if I was either one of those spoons.

Either one, big or little. Like any touch, any skin touch is like, oh my God, it feels like lava on my skin. And that, that made me feel, I know it's like maybe a little bit more lighthearted, lighthearted this one, but maybe we needed it. But like that, it is very real. It's like, why can't I do this thing that everyone else seems to do? Well, you're also sweet because you know it means so much to me and that's my like, I don't know, that's how I show love and that's how I love to be cuddled, my leg rubbed, my head patted. Like I am like born to be cuddled and I don't really get cuddled

and we speak about it a lot, don't you? But I'm glad you don't feel shame about it anymore because it just is how it is. I understand. Yeah. No cuddles for Bubby. No cuddles for me. That's why I got a dog by the way. And he doesn't cuddle you either. He cuddles you. Yeah, and I don't want to be cuddled by him. I don't want to be cuddled by anyone.

It's so bad. It's so. Okay, number seven. Oh, Lord. I can't trust myself at all. I think this kind of developed throughout my twenties and by my 30s. It was entrenched. I can't trust myself to be on time. to remember, to do a good job, to not lose really important things.

My trust in myself was disseminated by my own behaviour. And if you don't trust yourself, you will literally give up control of your life to other people who you deem as more trustworthy or like better adults. And it just caused so much shame, so much shame and hatred, like the worst thing. I've lost so many things, but the worst thing was my mum before she died wrote me a letter, which I kept around with me for so many years, and then one time I lost it. And I took me years and years and years to forgive myself for doing that. But so many occasions of losing, letting people down, letting myself down, forgetting things.

I just was like I am completely devoid of being able to do anything, to live in this world. And that leaves you, that leaves you open to some rather unhealthy dynamics. I was just about to say it leaves you vulnerable to the wrong sort of character. If you're like giving up your agency to someone else because you don't trust yourself, like you're a bit vulnerable. To abuse, someone steps in and says, oh, don't worry, I've got you. Why don't you do this? Why don't you do that?

It can be very, very scary. I think now I've developed. I've kind of separated out, like me trusting myself on big decisions, my emotions, my gut instinct is nothing to do with whether I will lose something or be on time or forget something. Like the ADHD is there. It's real. That should not stop me from trusting myself. And over the last few years with you, with therapy with work, I've found my own voice again and I won't let anyone. tell me what I should be doing. And that means so much because I do trust myself. And when I do have a struggle like losing the keys to a house, rather than beating myself up and putting a locksmith on a credit card,

which I did numerous times in my 20s, we just have a lockbox. I don't have keys. So wherever I can, I try and help myself. Yeah. Yes. It's a good one. Okay. Number eight.

Well, this is like probably an age old one, especially with men, I would imagine. But I've hurt my kids by being emotionally unavailable. Now, I think this probably runs pretty deep with a lot of people, but like I can speak for me. Certainly in the male population, I think it runs deep. For me personally, like the abuse being super independent at 18, being vulnerable, wasn't like wasn't something that I felt I had time or the ability to do. So that just carried through into my, my parenting. This one though, I don't really feel shame about it anymore.

I think I'm more proud of what I've done over the last sort of six years rather than any shame before that. Words like being an emotionally unavailable dad is almost a bit coded. in reality it's like being able to give cuddles and say I love you and if somebody's crying, not trying to stop it. Like it's, you know, that's like the reality of it. And you have worked so hard on both kids to get that connection. And it's so, like, my God, it's just so beautiful to see because both of them are so free. with their emotions, both happy and sad with you. Yeah.

They'd call you in a crisis. They rely on you for that parental thing. You're also friends. It's just wonderful. And I feel that goes to show that even your worst thoughts, the most shameful thoughts, you can turn around. Yeah. And I just think, like, as a man, becoming more available and being there for your kids,

it's just, oh, God. Yeah. That's hot stuff, babes. Big time. Big time. Oh, okay. That's interesting. because my number nine is similar, which is I'm scared I'm a bad parent or I'm scared

I'm a bad step parent or parent to rocket because of ADHD. Okay. So I don't have a driving license. I won't blame that on ADHD. I lost my license in my 20s and I've never got it back again. And I often think if there was an emergency with Sierra or Lily and you weren't around, I can't go and get them. What am I going to do, get the bus or Uber? I struggle with time.

So I often think I couldn't be the one to be looking after Lily's schedule. I struggle with sometimes people pleasing. So I wonder if I've been with Sear too lenient and have I coddled them. And so I think a lot about who I am and whether that lets the kids down in any way. I feel a bit better about it these days. Again, probably the years of therapy. But it's tough when you have ADHD because there's so many parts of parenting

that rely on being organized, sensible, planning on time. Shout out to all the ADHD parents probably. It's not an easy job without ADHD. And that's a step parent. Yeah, yeah. They're, see, lived with us, but Lily's here. half the time so it's not even full time and it and it like worried me that I would in some way

let them down because of ADHD and that kind of that kind of sucks but I also think there's a flip side to it definitely is yeah what do you what do you what all the spontaneous that what should we do today there's always fun shit happening as a result of your ADHD whereas I could be quite boring. Yeah, we have... I'd be like, no, it's a housework day, guys. You'd be like, no, it isn't. We're going to a water park.

Yeah. We have a lot of fun. And as they've got older, I've also been able to use my understanding of shame and struggles to help any shame or struggles they have. Like Lily, the little one, doesn't have a very good memory.

She forget stuff loads. Yeah. And I get to... sure she doesn't feel shame about. Yeah. Or she struggles with cleaning her bedroom will be like, come on, let's body W. So there is this flip side where it can also make you more aware and... She does come and ask us to sit in her room now while she tidies up.

Because she's got incredibly messy recently. She's coming into being a teenager baby. We've got more to come. Okay. Last one. Ready? Yeah, I'm ready. So this one directly relates to my autism.

And specifically like sensory needs, like getting overwhelmed with bright lights or loud sounds. And it's sort of like like strong men wouldn't wouldn't feel this. Like if I'm being really like ultra simplistic about it, like there's people out there that have bought wars and in the army. And there's me crying over bright lights and loud music. It's like a little bit, sometimes I feel a little bit. shame about that. There's nothing I can do about it, but it's like, come on. Go grip. Society has done a good one on men, haven't they making you think you've got to be super strong, ready for war at all moments. Whereas I see it as a strong man is someone that talks about

emotions, their struggles. Like, you're still such a masculine man and you're such an amazing like partner and dad. If anything, I think the ownership and awareness. of your struggles makes you better. Because you're just more aware. You can be more aware of me and the kids. But I understand. You were always your whole life a bit of a sort of masked alpha male, weren't you? So it must be tough to be like, oh, no, it's a slimy bit of washing.

Yeah, exactly. Aw. Do you know what? That hasn't been a miserable episode. No, I was going to say, you're going to say different? I was going to say it was quite nice. Was it? Yeah, I feel like a lot of them we've made progress.

We're not living under. Yeah. So much shame anymore. Shame can affect mental health. Seriously, if you are feeling deeply any of those things, please do seek out help. Really good therapy can change and, in fact, save lives. And it definitely did for me and rich.

Let us know in the comments what you're dealing with. And give us a like, share, follow if you have enjoyed this episode. Or found it useful. I found it useful. See you next week. See you next week.