LATE BLOOMERS - ADDICTED TO EVERYTHING: How addiction starts, why it sticks, and how to let go

Episode Date: July 30, 2025

In this episode of LATE BLOOMERS, Rich and Rox dive into the messy reality of addiction—far beyond the stereotypes of vodka bottles and rock bottoms. From alcohol and gambling to phone scrolling, comfort eating, and chasing validation, we explore the many ways addiction hides in plain sight. We talk openly about our own experiences with compulsive behaviors, the childhood trauma that fed them, and the shame that kept them alive. We unpack why it’s so hard to stop: the relief it brings, the shame it creates, and the terrifying thought of life without it. We also share what actually helped us heal. From the moment we admitted there was a problem, to the small, brave steps that pulled us out of the cycle—one day at a time. This episode isn’t just about sobriety; it’s about self-understanding, compassion, and change. If you’ve ever wondered, why can’t I stop doing this thing I hate?—this one’s for you.

Today we are talking about the addictive brain, why we might chase highs, why we may be avoiding pain, and actually some simple things we can do that might help us stop. This is late bloomers, where we are getting our lives together. Eventually. Right. So we're talking about addiction, compulsion, shame and then getting better. A nice lighthearted one. Lighthearted, happy episode. but it is important to make that differentiation.

It's super important. Because sometimes when people think about addiction, we think about the worst possible cases of heavy drug use or people unable to get out of bed, but compulsive behaviour like shopping, eating, can be really problematic for people too. Definitely. But even if you think about an alcoholic, like we're both alcoholics and the way that they're portrayed in the media,

Like that would lead you to believe that it was somebody like waking up at two in the morning, like necking a bottle of vodka and stuff. And it's just not, it's not like, not in my experience, it's not like that. No, it's very often normal people. And how it's portrayed in the media is when people are at the absolute extreme end. And that can stop us realizing that we actually need help. So when we're looking at addiction or a compulsive behavior, it's anything that you're struggling to.

stop that's making your life more difficult that you want to stop but you can't and that might be shopping yeah it often is it often is it often is shopping and that can hide in plain sight and it could be something to do with compulsive relationships sexual activity cheating that's a big part of it could be playing video games or scrolling your phone oh man i dread yeah scrolling I bet that's probably quite a, that's a pandemic, probably. Oh my, I mean, my screen time, I can't believe I'm admitting this. Oh, are you going to say this on the podcast? Yeah, it's like eight hours a day.

Is that even true? Is it not more than that? Depends what day it is, but on average it's eight hours. Like, I am... On the days you're on a flight, it's less. I'm wasting my life on my phone. And it is compulsive, and I do wish I did it less. It's weird because I wouldn't say I was a phone.

phone addict, but maybe I am. It's the first thing I reach for in the morning. I always wanting to go and have a little lay down and have a doom scroll. If that was alcohol I was reaching for in the morning throughout the day. I think it might be a bit different for you because you do like it's your job on the phone, isn't it? Like the whole everything. If I was working, I would love to say, yeah, I'm on there working. I'm applying to comments. Look, I post the odd video, but realistically, I'm just reading drama on Twitter. or I'm doomscroll in TikTok. Anyway, this isn't about me and my phone addiction.

This is about anyone that may be struggling. So, obviously, disclaimer, it may come as a surprise to our listeners to know, but we're not doctors. No. No, it's not a field that I've actively pursued, actually, and nor should I, I don't think. We're just two idiots who've had some experience with addiction. many years now on the other side of it. And we're just going to talk about that in the hope that if you're listening and you are struggling with compulsive behaviour,

maybe you'll think about it in a slightly different way. Think of us as experts at how to mess it up. How to mess up your entire life. Yeah. That is what I can get behind that. So a little run-through of our expertise in the lived experience of addiction. So I'll go first.

Go on. classic drugs and alcohol. Boom. Pretty boring. Pretty like bog standards. You're going to have an addiction. That's the one. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, it struggled throughout my whole life. I think I started taking drugs as a teenager and drinking. It became problematic in my late 20s. I was always just like the party person. It's always the addict who's like, get everyone going out every night, buying shots. Yeah. See you in an A.A.

meeting in your 30s. Then it became even worse in my 30s. I was drinking till blackout every night. I was using drugs when I really, really didn't want to. I was putting spending money I didn't have, going into debt, putting relationships at risk. So that's my first grouping. What about you? What's your first addiction? I've got a couple. Alcohol again, four in one. Yeah, I wasn't drinking until blackout I never got to that stage But what it was it was looking back on it It was really really habitual

And I think that was the hardest thing to To stop which was like every day I would I used to joke about it I used to open a beer when I got home from work Before I took my shoes off Like it was the first thing that I'd done And then I would continue drinking Until I went to bed

But I don't think I was drunk every day but maybe that's just because I was always drunk or it just took a lot of alcohol to get me drunk. I remember you telling me when we first met that you only drank coffee and beer. Like you didn't drink water. No, you know, that's true. The morning up till lunchtime was coffee

and then you'd work, come home and drink beer. Yeah, not a bit, yeah. So that proves to me that there must be water in food because I would be dead. There's probably water and beer. Yeah, yeah. Okay, but you've also got another one. The gambling one was, and that is the one where, right,

so you know I said like how media portrays alcoholism that wake up in the middle of the night, like hiding vodka in the dishwasher and drinking it and stuff like that. That is how I actually was with gambling. Like that was, it had hold of me, I was spinning slots, I wasted all my money and all maxed out all my credit cards. And that was, that felt like I can really relate to like something having a hold of me

but it was a real big form of escapism like nothing else in my entire life mattered when I was doing that like it didn't even exist like not at all at no time I would

if a rare occasion I would be on my own for the day I would wake up at nine o'clock say and I'd be gambling until two in the morning and the day would just like I wouldn't even like know that it happened it was it was crazy i guess that's kind of what it's for escapeism ultimate escapism from yeah um i have another strange one i don't even know if i put this

under addiction now but i did seek treatment for it at the time um which was sex and love addiction um i possibly see it now more under compulsive behavior and coming from some like quite traumatic relational experiences um but i also kind of went sober from from sex and love same time i stopped alcohol um didn't date didn't even hold hands for 18 months until i met you and that behavior i would get obsessed with people um it was compulsive i couldn't stop i was often hurting people or myself it was often inappropriate relationship so it's very self-destructive it's very compulsive so it possibly does come under that banner and so yeah we've got a in there. And then obviously my current

eight hours a day phone use, have you got anything currently that's compulsive? I don't think so. Have I? Am I blind to it? I wouldn't call it an addiction. But I would bring in food a little bit for you.

Interesting. That you struggle, you often overeat and kind of struggle to stop. So maybe. There's nothing like escapism than a large pizza though, is there? I mean, You know what I mean?

I haven't had one for a long time But if you've had a bad day It's better than gambling Big, massive, and aside The big 20 chicken strippers From Domino's and a large American hop It brings you So much comfort

If you're stressed You're like, I just need to eat I need a pizza It's your go-to coping mechanism So let's bring it in Often, right? Often And it's the same with all of them and pizza is no different maybe for different reasons but i feel like shit the next day

yeah like that's the same with drinking gambling like all everything you've mentioned they call it borrowing tomorrow's happiness yeah when you act on compulsive behavior so so whatever you're doing whether it is eating a pizza sex drinking overspending you feel that you feel that that high in the moment and you pay for it tomorrow you've just like stolen tomorrow's dopamine then you have to deal with it one thing that i want to bring up go on the next point but i think it's it's interesting to talk about right so we i don't profess to understand addiction i obviously have a lived experience and we've already talked about the escapism and stuff like that and i can I can comfortably sort of talk through my journey of sobriety and then therapy and stuff

like that. But what's really interesting? And I'd love to know if anyone listening to this is struggling and this doesn't relate to you. But I'm yet to meet or even have heard of an addict that didn't have some form of childhood trauma. Because that escapism is taking them away from that. I don't think it's a chemical wire in the brain. People say I've got an addictive personality and stuff like that. I don't, I just don't buy it. I don't know. I'm obviously not an expert, but I honestly believe with everything in me that it's people because they either are unwilling or unable to deal with emotions or trauma. I honestly think it's escaping. I mean, over the years I've met so many addicts.

through kind of sobriety communities and when you get to know them and when you hear their stories there is always something and you know you you were sexually abused at a young age didn't have any emotional support for that my house was torn apart decades of affairs and cheating and then my mum dies so both of our stories there's there's even the word trauma and we use it so much it can almost lose meaning but it's like a a deep deep deep wound i don't use no i know but on the internet sometimes when we say childhood trauma it means on the most simple terms you went through something a kid should not have gone through you weren't helped through it and therefore you do not know what it's like to live comfortable and

happy in this world. I think it's so true and I think that is the key part of any addiction or compulsion conversation because my God there's so much shame on addicts but when we view it for the lens rather than what's wrong with you? why are you doing this, be like, my God, what's, what has happened to you? Well, and that's what, like, I'm really torn. And I don't even know whether I can, whether it's an okay thing to have an opinion on or whatever. But if I think about how people start the, the journey of, you know, sobriety and think about where that could take them, which is meetings, right?

So I went to Gamblers Anonymous. you went to A.A. and Slar. And so I'll speak for me. It was amazing. It was life-changing. So I don't want, don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying anything bad about these meetings. And it got me to stop gambling.

But what it doesn't explore is that. What it doesn't explore is the childhood trauma and the emotional side of it. Of course it couldn't. It like it's just a group of its community. and it's unbelievable, but they almost, they're almost like fighting against each other. Yeah, I think it's absolutely okay to, you know, even though recovery meetings have helped us and helped loads of people, it's sensible to look at it with a critical lens.

It doesn't help everybody. And it absolutely gets people sober, my God, I owe it everything. Yeah, yeah, of course. it, but to go to that next level of healing, for me, that happened in therapy, actually, and it continues to happen in therapy. I think the sad thing is not everyone has access to that, depending on what country you're in, what healthcare is provided, even if it is provided, is it adequate? And meetings are free, or you bring a pound to contribute to the church, So it's a place to go

an incredible first step. I agree. What happened to me, though, which is like, you know my brain. It's quite like, matter of fact, isn't it? So I can sum this up in less than 20 seconds what happened to me. I went to GA, cried my eyes out,

felt like amazing, part of this community, went for, I don't know, about a year, probably, maybe, maybe a bit less than that, got to know the guys like all men there actually gambling addiction I guess women do struggle with it but actually there might have been a couple of a couple of women there and then it was like wow this is really helped this is really helped

and then every week I was like part of the part of the thing at the beginning is like you almost accept that it's a higher power and stuff like that and my brain is like no I don't so like what else is going on And my life was too difficult being sober with anxiety and mental health and stuff like that. So then I went to therapy and then it all just sort of all came together a bit like a jigsaw for me.

But I feel like I wouldn't be sober or gambling free without it. Like it was unbelievable. But it was the next step for me. It was like what's, for me it was like progress. But I don't, yeah. Yeah. That's where I struggled. Yeah.

I think the same for me. maybe the same for a lot of people or maybe some people just do meetings and a fine. Yeah. I guess it depends what you're dealing with. So one thing I want to talk about is the confusion of why we can't stop. So whether that is someone that can't stop overspending

that can't stop texting somebody outside their relationship but it feels compulsive that's on their phone eight hours a day or our old stories... Why couldn't you stop spinning sluts even when you wanted to and you were losing money? Why couldn't I stop drinking even though I hated myself? And just to bring a bit of that. So there's kind of three things I want to talk about. The first one is that the shame loop of compulsive behaviour and it's awful and it's catch-22.

I would go out drinking. Drink until I'm not there anymore. I'm half woman, half wine. Do something horrendous. Get in a bar fight. Spend, run up money on my credit card. Have a huge row with my partner. Lose my keys.

Whatever. Like something horrendous always happened to me when I was that wasted. And that was pretty much every night. Wait, you were a fighter, were you? Yeah. Wow. As in fist fights. No, it never got to that.

But I was like a big, like, bar. Verbal. Verbal screaming. Why? Oh, God. Awful. What an embarrassment. Oh, my God.

And wake up the next morning. You're like, oh my God, what have I done last night? Check what I've posted on social media. Ask my current partner, what have I done? And it's always just a nightmare. I've posted something stupid. I've done something stupid. And you hate yourself.

I'd fall into a shame loop of just disgust at myself. I would say I'm never drinking again. But by 4pm that day, it suddenly started looking a piece. again because I didn't want to sit with the shame. I didn't know how to sit with hating myself. I only knew numbing. So you go back to it again and then you're stuck. So you're using it. When you're really in it with a compulsive behavior, you're using the compulsive behavior to stop yourself feeling bad about using the compulsive behavior. It is a paradox and it doesn't work. Does that ring

true? Oh my God. I mean, firstly, the fear and the guilt the next morning like and when you said checking your social media I was like like I remember that

I'm like oh no what have I done who have I pissed off who have I had an argument with and it's always yeah that I relate so hard to that and yeah

I mean hair of the dog is the thing in it that's the whole same of the dog for alcohol but it's the same oh same for slots yeah exactly the same it was well that was probably

worse for me because it was like I either had to sit with you're ruining your mind and my family's life or I'm going to spin slots and then nothing else matters that was easier yeah and you didn't you didn't know how to get out of it I think if we knew another way maybe so I really hope that's what this episode is for if you're in that kind of compulsive shame cycle like there is another way and we are going to get to that at the end of the episode. Another thing I want to bring up is, you know, people often talk about these things as problems. And I saw a great interview with Gabor Mate,

who I love for various reasons. But he does a lot of work in addiction. He has an incredible book called Hungry Ghosts. And he describes it as people say you have a drinking problem. Actually, you have a drinking solution. a gambling solution the problem is what that is the solution to which is pain

unprocessed pain that you might not even be aware of but to really understand we're doing our best when I was drinking every night that was a solution to my anxiety my emptiness my self-loathing

two or three drinks in I got to feel normal In fact, I got to feel quite happy looking at my compulsive phone use now I feel comforted if I do it for too long

I feel like a zombie but I get it's a solution to not having to maybe do work I use it as work avoidance especially if it's something that you're worried about or that is going to be difficult for you so it's my solution and I imagine

it was your solution I'm 100% I didn't know what it was a solution to until I stopped because I didn't have the the tools or understanding but like I can now say it's my solution for just anxiety

but like next all the time I was constantly constantly anxious but it's a solution that comes with a high price but I think that really helps in shame reduction when you can understand it's your very human way of trying to make yourself feel

but trying to stay alive actually. Compulsive behaviour helps us stay alive in the short term and then unfortunately you come and deal with it and then the final thing, why we can't stop and this is really hard to explain if you haven't been there so I'm going to use a really like wonky analogy okay, if you are a fish, you don't know that you're in water.

Because you've always been in water, that's your whole world. Like we can look at a fish and be like, that guy's swimming in water. But to the fish, that's his whole world. When you said, if you're a fish, I didn't hear anything you said after that because in my head I was, you know, remember that song last year? It's like, if I were a fish and you got me, you'd say, look at their fish, shimmer. Yeah, sorry, come on. Such a good one.

Can't believe that you got co-wrick, I think that is. So a fish doesn't know they're in water because it's the only thing they've known. Yeah. Someone who is an addict or using compulsive behaviours doesn't know what a happy life looks like without that because they've never had it. They think that is their happy. They think that is a source of happiness. I did. That is happiness.

For me, I would look at, I didn't say kind of like well-adjusted happy people. I would look at us. Old me would look at us and think we were so boring. And just be like, that life isn't for me. That's boring. That's ordinary. I need the high life. We're almost, we're not taught to value.

what lovely calm communication, safety is. We know so many addicts have childhood trauma. So we believe that a normal life is horrible and won't bring happiness. So we seek it elsewhere. And that's one of the saddest things that childhood rubbish and trauma takes from people is the ability to realise that actually a boring, safe, happy, love-filled life is the most fulfilling thing that we can have. But when you don't know that, right, so

I'm not grammarising, gambling at all. It ruined my life. But when you like hit a feature or get a big win, like at the time in my life, there was no, there was no feeling like it. There was nothing that compared. So that was my like Class A, I suppose. And that was that

But that's why, I suppose, the escape isn't chasing that dream. I didn't know what, you know, the alternative was to just be unhappy. So it's like cheap, fake happiness that you get. Oh, that you buy. And you risk your life with. And I think, and this is the tougher part of this conversation, you don't go from someone who has deeply held beliefs about happiness, life. being boring that they have an addictive brain that they need to chase highs you don't go from that

from someone who is suddenly really happy and content no in that normal life that can take years and you have to fight for it and you have to learn i had never felt it until i was with you until i was in therapy i had never felt what it meant to just be normal and to just be okay yeah and it's that's quite sad and feel intimate i guess it's feeling intimacy closeness i'd always just thought all that stuff was disgusting yeah because i'd had a bad example of it well that's that seamlessly leads us on to maybe the last subject of the podcast today which is like how do you change um because there is definitely greener grass on the other side yeah there is um so let's talk through how disclaimer is properly not easy is it like it just isn't it's amazing but it isn't

and the first step for me is almost the hardest which is admitting to yourself that there's a problem because you don't want to and yeah if you talk about alcohol and how the media portrays it you could be like well i'm not waking up at three o'clock in the morning drinking so i'm fine It's also, for me, if I admit there's a problem, I'm going to have to stop and I'm never stopping. This is my best friend. My most enjoyable part. Like, I will never, ever, ever be a person that doesn't drink. So I can't be a problem drinker. Yeah. I think a lot of us live in denial about the fact that we may have a problem with something because we cannot back. them giving it up so i think that step of like oh my god this is this is messing with my life

i may have to look at this it's so hard and it is so brave and when you do that you've you've you've turned the tanker around you're starting to go the other way but it's not easy and i commend anyone that is able to is able to look at themselves that honestly and then of course once you've done that the first steps i suppose what what what do they look like I mean, I feel that any sort of addiction grows worse in secrecy. It's very often a secret, shameful thing. So you hide it, you don't think, nobody can find out, you do it secretly that adds to the shame and you end up just building like a prison of secrets and shame around your compulsive behaviour.

and you believe that no one will ever love you, that you also will never be able to give it up. That's lies, that's lies of struggling with it, telling somebody, telling somebody, sharing it, asking for help. And that might be a friend, it might be a recovery meeting, a different type of support group,

a family member, a therapist, someone that's safe. But that moment when you say, I'm doing this and I'm scared for my life or I'm scared I can't stop. It just shame like evaporates when it when it's shared and again it's so difficult to do. And I think that's one thing that meetings do really well. People do share. You will hear other people sharing their most shameful things.

You get to share yours and not be judged and I think that's where it can be so, so helpful for like breaking the shame loop so yeah tell someone and i think just to add to that as well if if today's day you're going to stop drinking stop spending money stop eating well don't stop eating but you know what i mean um it is almost don't look at it like a long-term decision look at it as a today decision i think that's that really helped me because it's too overwhelming in to be like I'm never doing this again. Yeah, you set yourself up to fail. It's like, I'm going to work out every day for a year and run a marathon.

It's too much one day at a time. Yeah. Get your support and walk through it. I've got one like final question just to end us on, which is just something for people to think about if they, whether you are dealing with addiction or compulsive behaviours to really look at it with understanding and compassion. and just ask the question, what is it that I might be numbing or running away from?

Because if you can reach through your self-hatred and your compulsions and reach through to, what is it that I don't want to feel, that allows you to understand that you might need a bit of help, some work, some compassion, and you'll start to make sense, rather than just seeing ourselves as like awful, bad humans, which a lot of addicts do when they're... Definitely, yeah. When they're active. So thanks for listening.

Another light-hearted episode of late bloomers for you. Listen, we never said it was always going to be light-hearted. We said we were getting our shizzled together and that's what we're trying to do. We really hope you've enjoyed it. If you have, give us a follow, a like, subscribe. Leave us a comment if you're sober. We'd love to celebrate that with you.

If you're struggling, please do let us know and we really hope to see you next week.