LATE BLOOMERS - ADHD & RELATIONSHIPS: Learning to love through sensitivity, forgetfulness, and miscommunication

Episode Date: February 19, 2025

Falling in love is easy. Staying in love—especially when ADHD is in the mix—is where the real work begins. In this episode, Rox opens up about her relationship history: falling fast, struggling with communication, and repeating patterns she didn’t understand until her ADHD diagnosis. She shares why celibacy, sobriety, and therapy helped her break free from the cycle of intense romance and heartbreak—and how meeting Rich changed everything. Rich dives into the three biggest challenges of loving someone with ADHD: Communication: How direct vs. emotional communication styles lead to frustration—and why “out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t mean “out of love.” Forgetfulness: The impact of forgotten promises and messy environments—and why tone matters when asking for help. Emotional Intensity: Navigating Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), why ADHD is rooted in sensitivity, and the challenge of feeling “too much.” But it’s not all hard work—there’s beauty in ADHD, too. Rox and Rich explore the superpowers of empathy, creativity, and humor that have strengthened their bond. Through honesty, kindness, and a whole lot of trial and error, they've learned that curiosity—not judgment—is the key to making love last. If you've ever felt like your emotions are too big, your forgetfulness is too frustrating, or your relationships are too chaotic—this episode is for you.

Today we are talking about ADHD and relationships. I'm going to go over my very chaotic relationship history. And I'm going to talk about the struggles of dating and ADHD, like communication, they forget everything and RSD. We might also do some of the strengths and good bits. Depends whether we've got time or not. Welcome to the Late Bloomers podcast, where we are getting our lives together.

Eventually. So it's my relationship history. Yeah, this could take a while. That's why I thought we might run our lives together. Eventually. So it's my relationship history. Yeah, this could take a while. That's why I thought we might run out of time. So let's start, I suppose. You've talked about your chaotic past of relationships. How has ADHD played out in that? Well, the biggest thing is I didn't know I had ADHD.

Yeah. So ADHD was affecting me in so many ways, from the intensity and hyper-focus of someone and falling in love, then the struggles with communication, forgetting things, having them be frustrated at me, me reacting very badly to that, and then very often breaking up and moving on. So I actually don't know how I even managed to get to a year with some people without knowing that I've got this massive huge chunk of ADHD coming with me. What did you think it was then? Like, because that must have been quite tough, right? So

now you can label it and you can understand this is what happens chemically in my body and my brain. But like, did you? I thought there was something wrong with me. Why? Because I would fall in love with someone, be convinced they were the one, this was it, move in, move really quick. Then the problems would start. I'd try and cover up the problems because I was so ashamed of my, how dirty the place was where I lived, my clothes, my money problems. I'd try and hide it. But as a relationship goes on, people

become aware and it would bring up all kinds of friction, communication problems. And then it would start to become not a very nice place to be. I'd feel very judged. They probably wouldn't feel very loved. And then the relationship would break down in a lot of my past relationships. Cheating was involved on both sides or just chaotic breakups. Like honestly, from 16 to 33, it was kind of a horrible experience. And like, knowing you as I do now, which is quite well, I think, quite intimately, you mentioned cheating and there being an overlap with relationships. Now I know you well enough to know that I don't think there would have been any malice there. But like, did you think that you were falling in love with someone new every year?

Like that must have been a trip. Like that must have been horrible. Well, probably more horrible for the other person. Yeah. Yeah, I think the relationship would stop feeling good and stop feeling happy. I'd feel judged and unloved. And then I would, or my brain would find a new focus, a new person of interest. And the way it hits with ADHD is that that's your dopamine source, fantasizing

about somebody else. And I didn't have the maturity and the emotional awareness to know that that isn't real. So I would leave with the view that this new person is the answer. And I'm going to be happy now, this time it's going to work. And then it never ever did. The same pattern played out again and again and again. And I watched friends of mine from uni go into long-term relationships, get married, start having kids, while I was just groundhog day, repeating the same year over and over and over again. Well, like, I don't want to sound judgmental.

And if it comes across that way, I apologize, but you'll know what I mean. So if it was me going through that, after like maybe the fifth time of my body going on falling in love, this person's the one, I'd probably have the ability to go, actually, there's a bit of a pattern emerging here. Like, maybe this isn't the love of my life. But I know that you wouldn't be able to do that. And like, even if you don't think about it, like in the context of relationships,

a new hobby or whatever, you'll think it's your life purpose every time and you won't learn from previous... ADHD pattern recognition is amazing, unless it's your own life. Yeah. So I can go back to when I was a kid and we had glass back door or glass French doors going out into our garden.

And when I was really young, I kept running into it. Yeah. Yeah, obviously. That doesn't surprise me, you see. And then my parents painted this little stained glass thing and put it on so I'd see that. Still ran into it. I never learned. I'd run head first.

I would hurt myself. I kept doing it because memory issues, right? You don't remember. You can get hurt and you can forget. So that same pattern just plays out. You're right with the hobbies, the same thing happens with overspending, the same thing happens. I just don't learn. Even like, you know, I remember in our last house, right, you walked into the kitchen and there was

two light switches, the one on the left on the kitchen, the one on the left and the right on the living room. And we lived there for four years and you would still not know which one did what, would you? That's the perfect example. And you did that twice a day for four years. Yeah, I did. So yeah, okay, interesting. So I really, really struggled with relationships for so many years. And then I put myself on the bench.

And when I got sober in 2018 I also went celibate. And I did celibate for a year and a half. Yeah, wow. Until I met you. Yeah, sorry. The celibacy destroyer. And then with you it's been really really different. I was in therapy, I was sober, those things are game changers. And in the early days of our relationship, I found out that I had ADHD. I think you are the perfect person to kind of speak to about what it's really like and what some of the struggles are. So be brutal. I want you to be honest. What do you think the three biggest struggles are dating somebody with ADHD?

Oh man, this is brutal, right? So let me just start off by saying I love you. I'm very happy in our relationship. Okay. And actually this will speak to the numerous comments we get on the internet about, like, me and going, oh, why does he put up with that? Like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, just nonsense. So we'll get into the real stuff, which isn't that important, but it is tough sometimes. And that can be a multitude of different things. So your mind goes really quickly. Like, you can actually, when you're thinking about something, you can see that you're having some sort of conversation in your head and you don't always verbalize it. And conversations can

sort of go off on tangents. So having, and the way my brain works and we know why that might be, I like quite like strategic, not strategic, but like methodical, broken down, chronological. So I think we communicate opposite. And I'm just like, yeah. Communication, I can definitely see that it's a struggle. I think we've got way better at communicating. But in the beginning, I think I would very often think you were angry at me, or I'd take something really personally. or if I messed up and forgot something, I'd go into a shame spiral rather than being honest. I honestly think masking is such a big part of that. As an ADHDer, you get so used to faking it, pretending you're okay,

kind of swimming above the surface but underneath everything's falling apart. You don't want anyone to see that because you think it makes you an awful human and unlovable. So you're essentially not being real and authentic. So how can you have good communication when you're lying all the time about these things you're trying to conceal? So I fully co-sign a struggle of dating an ADHD risk communication. There's one bit as well about communication, which I forgot to mention, which I'm like, I smile at now. It's not, it's not a struggle now.

That's probably why I didn't mention it, but it certainly was a struggle at first, which was the communication when we were apart. So I just now need to sort of accept and smile that it doesn't exist. accept and smile that it doesn't exist. If you're staying in a hotel doing whatever, a recent one was going and signing and doing the meet and greets, when you released your album, you're away for a few days, I heard from you maybe just before bed. And that at the start of the relationship was quite difficult thing to be like, wow, am I like, am I dead to her? Like now she's gone for a day, but now I quite enjoy the piece actually. There you go. At the beginning it's tough. I think it's very much in the beginning of

a relationship, it's a hyper focus. We're obsessed, we're texting all the time, then that wears off and the fall from grace is pretty high with an ADHDer. And unfortunately, it kind of is out of sight, out of mind. I'm so busy trying to go the right way, get my stuff together, not get run over by a car, be there on time. I don't have the mental capacity to just, I'm going to check in, I'm going to check in. However, I hope you know, I'll always ring you or drop a text at night. I can't sleep when you're not there. The love is always there. It doesn't bother me now. That's probably why I didn't mention it. It just, I suppose

it just takes some getting used to. And it's quite nice now. So what's number two, struggle? Right. So you forget everything and I'm going to be kind and call it executive dysfunction because that's what it is. But I think, you know, my feelings are very real and very valid as well. And what I like is a really clean and tidy and organized house. And what I get with you is not that. Even like even little things like when you come home from being away or you get ready for a photo shoot or video shoot or whatever, like just a carnage that's left and then it's left. And it's like sometimes I feel, and this is my thing, right? So sometimes I feel a weight of like, well, I've got to sort that out, otherwise it won't get done. But actually what I've been doing better at is just verbalizing, this is important to me.

I know you find it tough. How can we find a way of getting this tidy together? But yeah, that's probably number two. The thing is, we haven't figured it out because I feel like I'll have moments when I get loads better like you'll verbalise all your stuff all over the kitchen is stressing me out. I'll be like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'll go and tidy it up. But then it's Groundhog Day. The next time the same thing happens. So I imagine it's so frustrating having to constantly choose kindness and communication

rather than me just remembering. But if we go back to me running in to the glass doors as a kid, it's the same thing. I run into the same situation over and over and I could be hitting my own head or upsetting the person I love. It doesn't go in as a habit. I don't learn. And I think we've had to realise that it isn't going to, I'm not going to get it. I'm not going to start remembering. I'm not going to suddenly be really clean every day. So we have to find this weird wonky middle ground where you probably have to ask more than a person should have to and is necessary. And I have to remind

myself and push myself through more than what a neurotypical person might. Yeah, well, there's a couple of things. One, obviously, I need to ask, but two, which I'm very grateful for, because your natural reaction would be to feel a little bit, when I say it's a bit messy here, I would like it to be tidy, you can feel quite judged and attacked and stuff like that. You can get quite defensive naturally, so you do well of curb that, I would say. The difference is in how you ask me in recent years versus what it was like at the beginning. And I think this is such a big tip for kind of ADHD, non ADHD relationships, is the tone that you ask will totally determine the results that you get. So if you go in to

someone's room and it's messy again, it's really frustrating, you're having a bad time and you're just like, Oh, for God's sake, can you please just tidy it up? I've just asked you to do it. You are going to get someone upset or angry or frustrated or defensive. And it's not going to fix the problem. If you go in and really stay calm and take personal ownership. So it's not you're messing up your awful, which we're really used to hearing as ADHD is it's, ah, this is upset. I know you struggle with it. This is upsetting me a bit. What can we do? I'm going to jump up and get that sorted. So I think you've really learnt that kindness and calmness gets you way more of what you want than frustration. And that's just time

and practice, isn't it? And it is worth probably saying that the people that are listening or watching, that's not that easy to do. Like if, you know, for anyone, whether the ADHD person or the non, if your natural reaction, your natural human reaction is to be pissed off about something because you've said it a million times. It's sometimes difficult, like it doesn't come naturally to be like, babe, this is upsetting me. Like it doesn't, like it takes work. So like for people struggling with it, like keep at it, keep practicing. Keep at it. And like sometimes you're having a bad day, I'm having a bad day and we'll

piss each other off. And that's okay. you just get back on the old communication horse. Yeah, well go into different rooms for a while, watch a bit of telly and then reconvene. The other thing we do for this though is we do try and create systems. So my latest attempt stroke theory is to give you one room in the house where everything can be dumped in. Chaos room. Yeah, to protect the rest of the room. We'll see what happens there. Like, I feel all right about it at the moment. What I envisage happening though is the chaos room. And this might be unfair, but the chaos room becoming so like unmanageable

that it will just never get used. What's funny though, is you're like, you have a chaos room to protect the rest of the house. And we're just dumping stuff in there at the moment. Yeah. And cardboard boxes. And I don't mind. I'm so used to living in an absolute pigsty because I have my whole life. Yeah. It's really different in this house because I've got you, but I'm so used to it. I'm not able to have a clean space, so I have to detach from it. So the room gets messier and messier. I'm okay, but you're going and go, I'm so sorry that we're dumping stuff in here. You end up feeling sorry for me because you're sweet. Right, onto number three, worst thing about dating an ADHDer. So I'm going to say the emotional intensity.

What do you mean? Oh my God, don't you love me? Yeah, and RSD. So that's probably the kind way to do it. What you and other people with ADHD would be used to hearing is that you're overly sensitive. That would probably be the shaming, like, criticism. But that is very real. Like, not that you're overly sensitive, just that... Well, I am, I don't like overly, but I am really sensitive to life. And I think it's Dr. Gabor Mate in his ADHD book that can be quite divisive. But one of the things I love about his research and what he says is that ADHD essentially, it's sensitivity. It is really, really, really sensitive people.

And actually some of the negative consequences are when those sensitivities aren't seen or supported. So we are all a sensitive bunch. And I think that can be a beautiful thing. I think feeling other people's emotions, kindness, crying, art, creativity, that all draws from sensitivity. However, when your partner is breaking down in tears all the time, needing cuddles, I mean, I cry loads, don't I? Yeah, but that's not, I don't think that's what makes it you to don't I? Yeah, but that's not I don't think that's what makes it a challenge. What could potentially make it challenging is you can

maybe react really strongly to something that the way that I know not no one's wrong, no one's right. But the way that I will look at it is like, I'm just being a little bit human here, like, oh, there will be a slight negative reaction or, or I'll say something that is sort of semi-direct and you'll react. I can often feel like I'm being attacked. Yeah. Or you're really angry at me.

There's obviously a lot of history that's being brought up in those moments. However, it's definitely something that we've had to figure out together. And one of the most beautiful things about our relationship is I allow my sensitivity into the mix. So historically, I was known as someone with friends and partners that didn't cry, was unsensitive. Again, you have to mask the most vulnerable parts of you, the parts that have been really hurt. I've never been safe enough to be really sensitive, but with you, I will get really upset. Let's say when my album came out, I really was struggling with missing my mum. Like, big time, really struggling with the estrangement from my dad.

I was tired. I was working really hard. So I was crying a lot. And historically years and years ago, I would have either drunk that away or gone and cried on my own in the bathroom. But with you, I'll just come in and be like, I'm sad. I miss my mum. I need a cuddle.

That is exactly what happened as well. Like it's not funny when it is, when you look back at it. But I was like putting wardrobes together and all of a sudden you just like toddled up to the door and I was like, you were right babe. But you just went, no, I'm sad. And started crying. Like it was, it was adorable, but also like quite, if there was a camera, it's just quite funny.

Yeah. I mean, it's like a child, but I've had to learn to be safe and to allow my sensitivity in with us. And you always, even though you've put it as one of the struggles, you're so kind and considerate. I think you understand that it's for me like a very sacred thing that I've kept away. Wait, there's one more thing about sensitivity. And I'm just curious now. So that's all really true around how your ADHD plays out. There's one thing though, and my question is, is this to do with your ADHD or is this just to do with you? There's one emotion that you just can't handle from me. Like you just can't. It doesn't matter. If I'm upset, sensitive, whatever you can find, go on.

Anger. Yeah, you can't handle it. And that's not anger at you. Even if I'm angry, broadly, or at someone else, or someone cuts me up, that's it. You're in, you like switch. You can't handle it. What's going on there? So I don't know whether it's to do with ADHD or whether it's just me. I'm going to talk about it in broad terms and if people relate, they relate. So I grew up with a really angry dad. There was shouting, rage, things were thrown. I was smacked. He was a very angry dude. I think a lot of older parents were. So kind of deep in my bones, anger is really, really scary. And someone being angry around me or at me means that I'm no

longer safe. I never saw someone be angry and still make it known that I was safe and loved. If that person is angry, they are going to say the most devastating thing, reject you, cut you off, hit you. And that's still deep down in my bones. So when you're angry, I feel so unsafe in my body that I have to try and stop you from being angry. And that's not healthy because anger is such a vital part of human experience. I am in therapy trying my hardest to be more angry. Because not only am I afraid of your anger, I'm afraid of my own. And that has had me walked over, abused, taken advantage of. But I'm getting there. I'm speaking up a bit more. I'm allowing anger into my personality

because we need it. So I'm really sorry that I try and sanitise that. You don't need to be sorry. It's just, it's just interesting. And actually something that's literally just popped into my mind is historically in our relationship, you've been reluctant to share things with me out of fear that I would get angry. And some of these topics I wouldn't be angry at in a million years, but that just fear of me being angry about it. Which by the way, for everyone listening, I've literally never been angry at you. Like not. I've never shouted at you. You've never shouted, you've never been aggressive, but that's just the power of history, isn't

it? Okay, so now we've done the three dreadful things about being with an ADHDer. Could you just give me a few good things so we can bring it to a lovely high note? We haven't got time. Sorry, I'm joking. So first one, empathy. So the yin and yang of the sensitivity, I would say. You know how people are. Like when you walk into a room, you can feel my emotions and you're very, you're very sensitive to my emotions as well as your own. So I will feel very like listen to and validate it if I'm going through something challenging. Do you want me to just

go straight on and just list the three of them? I love that one. And it's just so nice hearing it. It's so nice hearing it as a strength when I felt so ashamed of sensitivity, like hearing that it helps you in moments when you need it. And I also think it helps the kids. I think I've been really like connected in a way to both kiddies, emotional experience. And that's cool. I think so many ADHDers are sensitive and that actually empathy within their family units can make them, they might not be the best at the old laundry, but being the emotional linchpin that keeps everyone together, we're kind of rocking that. You are. Yeah. Number two, creativity. So,

you know, not only am I fortunate enough to have you as a life partner, I'm also fortunate enough to have you as a business partner. And everything that we do would have stemmed from your chaotic brain, like it wouldn't, it wouldn't exist without you. wouldn't exist without you. Like it wouldn't exist without me as well. So you don't need to say that. I know that it would have been a couple of videos and then a dormant Instagram account. So I know that either I'm the one that sort of executes the vision, but you're the one that creates all of the vision. Bar none. Really? What are you laughing at? It's just so weird hearing. So it's making me like emotional hearing good qualities about myself when historically I'm so used to seeing where I'm falling short. And yeah, thank you. That means a lot. And yeah, it would have been not executed. I would have got bored. I would have done two podcast episodes. I would have done five videos and stopped. So

it's teamwork. I need you. But in this moment of looking at the positives, this logo existed in my head before it existed in reality. Dubby was an idea on a random Sunday afternoon. ADHD love first video was an idea at 11.30pm in bed a few years ago. So those random, chaotic, creative ideas that are constantly in our brains can actually lead to awesome things. So it's what makes it work though, right? So this set behind us, this, this set of late bloomers, you convinced me to build this. You saw it visually, it's all you. But the fact that you got me to build it means we're doing it for a year. So everyone

listening, there'll be at least a year's worth of podcast, hopefully more. Hopefully more. Any other positives? Humour, shared humour. I don't know whether it's to do with your ADHD or it's just you as a person. I think it's probably a traumatic childhood leads to a sense of humour as an unhealthy coping mechanism and then it ends up being a pleasant bonus. Love that. In life. I really appreciate that. It's so lovely to end on the positives. I think the key takeaway that I take from you and how we've managed to actually have this awesome, really happy

relationship despite me being forgetful and oversensitive and not always communicating very well is the kindness that you bring. And you always say it. And I just think it's the most awesome thing, which is to lead with curiosity, not judgment. So it isn't like, why are you not texting back what's wrong? Why are the clothes there? This is so frustrating. Why are you upset all the time? It's you're upset what's going on. The clothes are there is is this tough is something happening to you. You always ask questions, you're curious and you open up this safe space for me to say I'm struggling. So and I like couldn't lead this really happy life without you doing that. So

thank you. Well, you have to be curious because a lot of what you do doesn't make sense in my mind. So you've got two choices. You can either judge that behavior, and that's assuming that I know everything, I know all the right answers and you don't, or be curious. And most of the time, when I'm curious, when you answer it, we're able to think of solutions together, because you're creative as well. Curiosity did not kill the ADHD. This has been the Late Bloomers podcast. Thank you so much for listening to us.

If you've liked it, go and leave us a review. If you didn't, just don't bother. Move on. I'll start crying because I'm oversensitive. Just kidding. See you next week.