LATE BLOOMERS - ARE YOU MAD AT ME? What rejection sensitivity really feels like (and how to deal with it)

Episode Date: April 9, 2025

In this episode of LATE BLOOMERS, we’re diving into rejection sensitivity — what it actually is, where it comes from, and how it shows up in real life. From spiraling over a single text message to assuming the worst when someone says “can we talk?”, Rox opens up about how rejection sensitivity has impacted her relationships, career, and mental health. Rich offers his perspective as someone who doesn’t experience it in the same way — but lives with someone who really does. We talk about disavowed anger, childhood wounds, confrontation fears, and the little things that can make a big difference when you’re wired to feel unsafe. Whether you’re the one asking “are you mad at me?” or living with someone who does — this one’s for you.

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to make it easier. Hopefully. Welcome to Late Bloomers where we are getting our lives together. Eventually. Right, RSD as it's more commonly known, isn't it? Is it a good time to say that I don't like the name RSD? Why not? It feels so clinical and it feels so complicated from what it actually is. Like I almost, I don't know, you can feel quite disconnected, rejection, sensitive,

dysphoria. What do you actually mean by that? What would you call it then? Being able to just see anger everywhere and it making you feel a bit rubbish. It's a bit wordy though, isn't it? It's a bit wordy. Okay, I guess it's like when normal, neutral things can feel like deep personal rejection. How would you describe it if you had to rename it?

It's really difficult to say it without sounding horrible because it's a sensitivity thing, isn't it? Yeah. Almost. Yeah. But I think if you're called sensitive, it's almost like an insult, isn't it? That's so true. It shouldn't be because being sensitive is... Maybe just drop the dysphoria. maybe just rejection sensitivity. RS. RS. Yeah. That makes sense. Just being a big softie. A big confused softie. Big confused softie disorder.

So let's talk about what it means for you then? Oh Lord. What it means for me is often asking you if you're mad at me. I mean, how often do you think I do that? At least once a week, I'm going to think that you're mad at me. Easily once a week. You think it's more dear? Easily once a week, yeah. But like, I think what's important to say, so quite often you'll say, are you mad at me? Something's wrong. And I won't be mad at you. But there's quite often something going on, like I'm annoyed about something else or I'm busy or I'm focused or something like, it's not like out of nowhere. I'm not angry with you, but you're probably picking up on something so micro and just

applying that to you. Wow. That's actually so good to hear because I think so often when people talk about this kind of topic, we're almost talking about it like a real thing doesn't exist. Like you're mad, you're making it up. So to actually hear, sometimes you might be a bit pissed off. Even if it's a bit pissed off at me, but what it never is, is I don't love you anymore. This is over. So for me, if I can pick up that you're a little bit annoyed with me or tired or upset with someone else

and you haven't verbalized it in a really clear way, I pick up on those little micro signals and the story I tell is I've done something horrendous, you're not telling me and I'm in danger. It's a really old, quite sad programming, isn't it? Because I'm 40, I'm an adult, but the way it makes me feel is like I'm a little kid again. Yeah, it's really interesting. The one thing, and this is quite funny, but the one thing where there isn't anything, you're not picking up on anything, it's just the RSD is if I say to you, thing, it's just the RSD is if I say to you, I need to chat to you, can we have a conversation, which by the way, I have to do because you've got ADHD. So if I don't like signpost, I need to chat to you. It won't go in, you won't be listening, you'll carry on doing or scrolling your phone or whatever. So I have to say, can I talk to you? But you, what do you think is going to happen

at that moment? I've done something wrong and something horrible is going to happen. And that happens every day with us because you have to speak to me because you live with me and I'm your partner. We work together. But it's every day. So it can be as simple as you're like, oh babe, can I tell you something? you're like, oh babe, can I tell you something? And it's the last podcast episode did well, or do you want to go and get five guys for dinner? It can be something so simple and mundane. And I'm like, what? I can't tolerate the gap between, can I tell you something,

can I talk to you and what it is? It's not even, I'll call you out on that. Even if there's not a gap, you can't tolerate it. The moment I say, can I talk to you? You can visibly see it in your face. You're like, oh no, what if I don't? Yeah, I'll see it. I can be like, yeah, sure.

It's always the sense, I've done something horrendous. I'm unable to remember what it is and I need to give you 100% attention and show that I care or else I don't know or else what? Would it be better if it is something bad? I just don't say can I talk to you just launch straight into it because then you know every time I say can I talk to you that it's not bad. Well I would just like a tiny bit more context. So can I talk to you about dinner plans? Yeah, okay.

No problem. Can I talk to you about some cool stuff with the podcast? No problem. Can I talk to you about when you forgot that thing last week? Okay, but I know what's coming. Yeah. Because it just, I know it's really silly, but it's just going to save me a load of time. And by the way, I'm working on it. I'm working really hard in therapy to like get better at tolerating and not always read every situation as rejection. However, small little things can help. One question I have got though, like if I was to say, oh, can I talk to you?

You obviously immediately hate life. Like you think, oh, this is going to be bad. What about like, you must have had people say to you in the past, either work or personally, like, can we have a chat tomorrow? Yes. Like what the hell happens there? If you've got to wait a day. That's the worst thing ever. If I can, I'd be like, do you mind telling me about what? Just to soothe the anxiety. But obviously if it was at work, you can't do it. So then you're just stewing

in your own anxiety and dreadful fantasies for 24 hours. I honestly think like context is king when it comes to neurodivergent minds, when it comes to people that have maybe been through trauma or are sensitive in that way. The more context you can give, the better. Just signpost, is this good or bad? Because unfortunately, we are going to tend to read it as bad. There must be so many people with ADHD that are sitting there at work with their boss saying, I need to talk to you tomorrow.

Apps like ruining, we're ruining days out here. That's horrible though, isn't it? I really don't love experiencing that, that my day could literally just be ruined by one text, one phone call, one look. It's, you end up feeling like not in control of your own life, which is a bit rubbish. I remember, oh, this was so embarrassing for me when I was speaking with my manager about music and we'd just started working with someone new, a guy called Dexter. Yeah. Obviously, you know Dexter, he's lovely. And Dexter had joined the team

to kind of like run the label, my label to help us out. And he was obviously giving Mark feedback and trying to come up with like loads of... Who's Mark? Who's Mark? Who's Mark? My manager Mark. Yeah, and they... Sorry. And so he's giving Mark feedback and all this stuff he said, it was all amazing. But one thing he said to Mark was, you know, all the songs are really sad. I wonder what would happen if she wrote something a bit more upbeat. Like perfectly valid, probably

correct. So Mark says this to me on a call, like it's nothing, I just had this thought, I thought it was interesting. And I start crying. Like, and I can't control it. I'm like, Oh my God, I'm on a call with my manager. We hadn't worked together that long. And I start crying. I'm like, but I love writing sad songs and they mean a lot to me. And I don't want to change that. I'm just crying. I'm thinking this guy's going to think I'm absolutely nuts. Poor old Mark was probably like, oh my God, I'm working with a total psycho.

He's never said it again. There's more to that though, isn't there? Like that, whilst obviously it may have been an overreaction to an innocent suggestion, you have got history where you've got people in labels saying it's never going to work because the music's too sad, we're not interested, you need to write. But like there's more to it than just that. Yeah, I think I've been rejected so much in music for the way I write songs. I am really, really sensitive and protective of it. But it's the depth of the reaction. Because I could have said, oh, totally take that on board. Maybe one day

I will write happy songs, but right now this is working. It's the fact that it feels like I'm being attacked. I'm not being seen. It's horrible. So should we talk a little bit about why this happens? Obviously it's really big in neurodivergent world, also people that have got trauma, complex PTSD and we tend to be sensitive. So the number one thing is sensitivity. And as you said earlier, sensitivity is so often seen as, oh stop being sensitive, you're so sensitive, you're over sensitive. Sensitivity is amazing. It's amazing. It's where art comes from. It's where empathy comes from. And for me, it's where good, attuned parenting comes from with the kids. I couldn't be as good a stepmom as I am without being really sensitive. Cause you're noticing the small stuff, the tone of voice, the little shutdowns,

the things they don't say. So like, I just want to give a little round of applause for sensitivity. Yeah. What's your take on sensitivity as someone I'm guessing you would say that you're not sensitive? Correct. I don't, I don't, well, I don't know. I think it's tough, isn't it?

I like, cause although you say in around sensitivity, you notice things. I think I'm just as good, if not better, at noticing specifically with the kids or people that I care about. I do not have a sensitivity switch for people that aren't those close in my inner circle though, that they could be going through absolute life ruining things and I wouldn't notice. I'd just be oblivious to it. So you are sensitive. You're sensitive in terms of noticing kids and me. That's probably it. And then what about kind of outwardly feeling rejection or hate comments or people don't like you? Oh no, that doesn't bother me at all. Oh to be that free.

So sensitivity can be an amazing thing, however, it's like it's gone a little bit wrong. We have this beautiful sensitivity and then something happens and it sort of, it computes with like an error code. And unfortunately that sensitivity turns against you and sees hatred and anger everywhere. Yeah. So that brings me on to the second thing, which yes, always goes back to childhood. Very often, these are people who have been sensitive people who have been quite deeply rejected, neglected, or even as simple as not being seen. If you're a really sensitive kid and your parent doesn't cuddle you, talk to you, notice if you're upset, that's going to be quite hard to deal with.

Yeah, scratching old wounds, I suppose. Even beyond parents, I would imagine. Just the fact that, like, so it's common with ADHD, why it's estimated that 100% of people with ADHD struggle with RSD. But I wonder if it's something to do with all of the micro-behaviors as well as parental, just on doing stuff wrong and sighing and tutting and, you know, or just on doing stuff wrong and sighing and tutting and rejecting ideas because you're not staying on task and stuff like that. That's so true. So you're probably being rejected even in small ways as a kid by teachers, as well as parents, maybe even friends. So you're kind of like internalizing that you are constantly doing something wrong. Hello, the adult who feels like they're constantly doing something wrong.

I think as well, it's a sense that when you're a kid, if you get rejected by a parent, let's say your parent is mad at you and they don't verbalise it, they give you the silent treatment, or maybe they do and they scream at you and they scare you. Effectively, they remove your connection and they remove love. As a kid, that feels like your whole world ending if you get hit by a parent, screamed at, or silent treatment from a parent. It's world ending stuff. Now, obviously when you're an adult, you can tolerate that. You can move through. You can talk to people, not be with people. But it's like those old echoes of it being world ending come back up. So when you say you need to speak to me, it's like an old echo of how

I used to feel as a kid that like life is over, love is gone. And as human beings, like we need love to survive and community. So it's like deeply ingrained that like life is over and we're not safe. I would imagine your dad did do the whole, I need to talk to you, Roxanne, if you were in trouble as well. No, I would have been hit, chased up the stairs, screamed out spoken to really sternly or ignored. And that's probably like in a strange way, being ignored is almost the worst one because it's like you don't matter at all. Weirdly, I would have rathered had some kind of... It's the thing you can't handle being ignored. Like if there's something going on and it's not

spoken about, you physically can't handle it. No, that's... Oh, there you go. That's interesting, isn't it? And so we've had, because we are sensitive, childhood dynamics. And then the third thing, which is interesting, have you heard of something called disavowed anger? No. So a lot of people who are sensitive or maybe who have ADHD or trauma and the rest, bring it on, or trauma and the rest, bring it on, may have a problem with expressing their own anger. So for me, I find it very difficult to tell someone when I'm mad at them. I find it very difficult to tolerate anger in my own body. This is something that I've just been reading

about is the type of therapy I'm doing, obviously, current hyper-focus psychoanalytic therapy. They call it disavowed anger. So if you can't tolerate anger in your own body, be angry, have healthy confrontation, that anger has to go somewhere. So you see it everywhere else. It's almost like you project it onto people around you. Wow, interesting. It's so interesting. Is that like slightly different? But is that why when we were first together,

like you remember you never used to get angry until you did and then you would explode? Is that anything to do with that? Yeah, like the guy in the petrol station. Yeah. Yeah. That's for another time or not. So yeah, you suppress it, you repress it. You effectively, for me, right? Being angry means destroying the relationship.

Yeah. Because that's the only expression of anger I saw when I was young. Anger either destroys the relationship or you say nothing and you just get on with it. That's the two options. Healthy confrontation was not part of my user manual. So I'm deeply scared of feeling angry because I feel like I'm going to ruin our relationship if I get angry. So it's repressed, it's suppressed.

I'm the nicest person ever. I'll tolerate anything. But you mean I'm here? But then something touches a trigger point or it's pushed you too far and you... I lose my shit. Well I've got to tell them now. I'm just going to quickly do it. Sure, sure, fine. Because I'll do it quickly.

So this is Rox. People pleaser. Never really hates conflict. Doesn't really argue with anyone. We were in a petrol station. I've got an electric car. It was late at night. There wasn't a single car in the petrol station. So I just pulled up next to a pump because we wanted some chocolate. Bearing in mind, no cars here. All of a sudden we had beep beep when we were in the shop. Some angry guy with his arms folded was behind me. So when we went out, he was like, you shouldn't park there. You've got an electric car.

I was like, mate, there's loads of pumps. Like get over it. And he was like, no, no, you shouldn't be doing it. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All of a sudden, a trip flipped in rocks and you went like screaming at the top of your voice, how dare you talk to us like this? We've got a kid. Go to therapy, you angry little man, like the loudest I've

ever seen you. Like Lily was with us laughing. No, thank God it didn't scare her because she had never seen me like that. There was something about he was huge, he was really muscly, he was over six foot tall, he was a skinhead, so he was using his size to sort of dominate and scare two people at that time with an eight year old little girl. And it just, I wasn't in control at that moment. Something else took over and out came the side of me that we don't. I mean, he went back into his car with his tail between his legs, didn't he?

Thank God. By the way, it's really silly because I could have escalated the situation. Deescalated it? No, no, it escalated it. And it did end up going okay, but I've really worked, I need to, and I am working on little bits of normal anger in real life. So that doesn't happen because you can really get in a lot of trouble. So that is disavowed anger. So I think it's really interesting for people with RSD or that do

see themselves as like, yeah, really sensitive to rejection to think about, are you able to be angry at people? Are you able to explain that? Are you able to be angry at people? Are you able to explain that? Are you able to have confrontation? Cause actually that could, if you work on that in yourself, it's likely that the RSD might loosen its grip a little bit. Right. Fascinating. So we've had some science.

It's not science. Well, sort of science, but let's talk about like why it's rubbish for you, I suppose. Because it's not pleasant, is it? Well, it can't be pleasant. And some of the things I think I was thinking whilst you were talking is that you must rarely feel safe. Like, hopefully you do with me. Well, maybe you don't with me because every time I say, can we talk, you think I'm going to break up with you. So like that must be tough.

Yeah, it's horrible. I think, and I do feel safe with you, but a hundred percent that the most ever, but in the moment that old programming is triggered by something small and I cannot feel safe. So it's like, I do, I feel like 99% safe and then there's these little cuts triggered by something and that's with you who I've been with for five years. We have the most beautiful, healthy, wonderful relationship. We've both done loads of

therapy and that's with you. So then outside of you. Well, that was point two, it must impact relationships, whether romantic or friends, it must do. I dread to think about the number of relationships or friendships I've walked away from, because I have written the narrative that they hate me that I'm not safe, that I'm being rejected, when that wasn't the full story. What's really difficult though is, and it's going back to what you said before, I'm not going to sit here and say I should never have left those friendships. Some of those people were total dicks. You

know? So like often we are picking up on something that might be a bit real. And we can't sit here and say, get rid of the rejection sensitivity, work on yourself. It's all you. Cause actually there's a load of not very nice, not very safe people in the world that are liable to take advantage of at best and abuse at worst people that suffer with this kind of thing. So I don't know what the answer is, to be honest with you. Because yeah, I have, if I think about someone in my life and I can right now, someone I work with and I need to have a tough conversation with them at the moment. I've needed to have the convo for two months and I still haven't had it. I know I'm safe with this person.

We've known each other for five years. It's a really good relationship. I'm not having the conversation because I believe I'm going to destroy the relationship by having it. Now if I continue to not have this conversation, the thing that I really don't want to happen, the end of our friendship is going to happen. It's really interesting. I remember, I know what you're talking about and I remember you saying, oh, if it goes wrong, like it'll ruin the friendship. And I said, like the topic that you're talking about, if that ruins the friendship, then it's not a real friendship. And I said, like the topic that you're talking about, if that ruins the friendship, then it's not a real friendship. And logically, I know that it's true. But that's where it can

impact because my fear of that conversation, my fear of upsetting this person, if I don't have that combo, I'm actually going to upset that person. Yeah. So that's where it can really, really get in the way. And it's just, it's just a lifelong thing of trying to get a bit better. Yep. The other thing, the third thing on my list as to why it must be rubbish for you. There are very few text messages I could get today that would ruin my day. Of course, there's a few accidents, bereavements, stuff like that, like big things that could ruin my day, but nothing else could. I would imagine

that's different for you. I would imagine there are many, many text messages you could get that would ruin your day. So there's like a lack of control almost. Oh, that's probably why I don't open my text messages. I don't want to even allow that to happen. And that's really rubbish because it's effectively allowing the outside world and these dynamics to control your internal sense of safety, happiness and your entire life. So yeah, one text we need to talk or I've got some bad news. It's just going to send me into a spiral. And I hate that. I really, really do. I mean, that coupled with the ADHD brain, it would take over your day, wouldn't it?

It would completely derail the rest of the day. And then you add into it the fear of having those conversations, the fear of confrontation, you end up not addressing it. The absolute best thing for any of us to do is address it straight away, but yet we can't do it. Oh man, I guess this is a good time to actually talk about some things that can help because we've been laughing about it, but it's probably one of the most rubbish parts of my personality. If I could get rid of one bit, it would be not the sensitivity, but

the overblown sensitivity to rejection. I would love to get rid of that. So the first thing is to be honest and communicate with the right person. And this is where it's so complicated because I know I can come up to you once a week, twice a week, maybe more, say, are you mad at me? And you're going to say, absolutely not. I'm a bit tired and maybe you're picking up on that. Or actually I was, I was a tiny weenie bit annoyed that you used all the milk, but it's all good. You're going to contextualise it perfectly and it's going to go away really quickly. Not everybody has that and not every relationship can tolerate that. If you go to someone that isn't emotionally mature and say, are you mad at me? Over and over again, they're probably going to end up mad at you. And then you're going to be feeling, Oh, I was right.

You've also got, you know, I won't name drop, but there's a character that we both know very, very well, where you would say you mad at me and they would say no and continue with silent treatment and stuff like that. Like that's, that's what you were talking about earlier around you're open to a bit of manipulation and abuse type thing. Because you believe what people say. So if you say you mad at me and someone says no and continues silent treatment, shame, that is bordering on toxic, abusive, whatever.

Like it's, it's truly not okay. Like the truth is very, very important to certain people. So talking it through with safe people, and that's people that where you know, they're really going to care about what you have to say. And they're really gonna try. I hope that you've got parents like that. If you don't, I hope that you've got a partner like that.

If you don't, I hope that you've got a partner like that. If you don't, I hope that you've got a therapist like that. But those people are out there. It's tough though, isn't it? Yeah, it's tough. Like, you know, you talk about parents. I think about our generation and our parents, that generation, their go-to would be, don't be silly. Nothing like, it wouldn't, because this is a new thing, right?

Like, to hold space for something like this, it must be tough to feel like people are angry, like it would just be dismissed. Not even in a hurtful way. That's how they would think to deal with it. But yeah, it's easy to say that first point. A hundred percent. I think all of these are going to be easy to say and hard to implement. first point. A hundred percent. I think all of these are going to be easy to say and hard to implement. So number two is tone checking. And this is really important for text message and emails because we're reading it through the lens of rejection. So you read a text message

and you'll add onto it a tone that you're reading in your own voice that makes it short, that makes it angry and that makes it mean. It's a text message. You've got no idea. Like an act of reading a script and the character you're reading is angry. So just read it again, but like in a happy tone. Can it be read in a happy tone? Because if it can, like, how do you know that's not how it was meant? This is so funny though, because every text or email that I send, people must look and be like, oh my God, he's angry with me. But it's even said in my tone, because I'm quite direct and straightforward. So like, I must be out here triggering people all the time. And I'm like, I don't mean to,

I'm really sorry. I'm going to start having to use emojis more, I think, or something. You used to get me to tone check your emails to make sure they didn't come across as what society was called rude. We call it direct. Which they always did. So just like, hi, do this please, bye. And I'd be like, hi, how are you smiling? I'd add in like the smiley factor, but that's my stuff. So there's no right or wrong, but tone checking. And you can do that alone or you can do that with someone very often. If

I'm upset or angry or think something's going on, I'll talk to you and you're a bit of a sounding board for me. So have a sounding board as well. And then number three, and again, it's difficult to recommend because it's a hard thing to find and it can be expensive, but it's long-term therapy. Actually, I'm doing psychoanalytic at the moment. I'm 10 months in. It's incredibly helpful, although it's been incredibly hard as well. Because I think we can trace this back to an entire lifetime of actually being rejected, being able to go back to those moments, to

accept them, to process them, to see them with adult eyes, to realise that you're not in danger anymore. It can do absolute wonders. Why do you look like you're about to laugh? I'm going to say, I didn't know you liked therapy. Sorry, I'm joking. No, I love therapy. But of course, there's ways to do it. Even if you can't have access to a really great therapist, because it's a hard thing to do. Often insurance companies want you to have 10 sessions

and not the really long term explorative stuff. You can also do it with years of a really healthy safe relationship. Like we've done so much, so much processing. So I also just want to say, because it can feel a bit negative and a bit heavy, like ultimately, our sensitive souls, we are just people that feel deeply and want happy connection. Yeah. But that's all it is. There's nothing wrong.

Yeah. Really interesting. Really interesting. So that is Late Bloomers. Thank you. If you've enjoyed today's episode, please like, subscribe, follow. What else did they do? I don't know.

Well, and if you haven't, just don't, cause I'll have an RSD attack. Just kidding. Am I?