LATE BLOOMERS - AUTISM TRANSLATION GUIDE: 10 things partners need to understand

Episode Date: April 15, 2026

For years, I misunderstood the person I love. I thought silence meant disconnection. I thought bluntness was rudeness. I thought a lack of reaction meant a lack of care. I didn’t realise I was filtering everything through my own lens… and getting it completely wrong.In this episode, we break down 10 behaviours that are often misunderstood in autism — from shutdowns and needing plans, to missing hints and showing love differently. What I once saw as rejection, control, or distance… was actually overwhelm, honesty, and care.This changed our relationship. Less blame, more understanding. Less shame, more compassion. If you’ve ever felt confused, hurt, or unsure how to read someone you love — this one might change everything.20% off Loop Earplugs: https://www.loopearplugs.com/pages/lp-adhdlove

Have you got an autistic person in your life? Do you sometimes feel like their behaviours are rude? Do you feel like they're ignoring you when they shut down? Or do you feel unloved if they don't want to come and celebrate your birthday? We are going to talk about 10 behaviours of autistic people that can be difficult for partners or parents or friends to deal with and how we are going to deal with them. Wow. That's about me then. Welcome to late bloomers where we are getting.

our lives together. Eventually. Brought to you by our gorgeous sponsor loop earplugs. Yeah, this one is all about you, babe. Where did you get? So you've got the cards. I've got no cards for this one. So last year you were officially diagnosed.

Yeah. With autism. We have strongly suspected it for over a year, a couple of years. Mm-hmm. But for the first. five years of our relationship, we had no idea. I had no idea. And there are, I get to look back now and see ways that I've pushed you or judged you or felt something towards you that is because of autism. And I carry a lot of guilt about a lot of these things because I would blame you.

We'll go over. It's going to be 10 things. Yeah, I just, because I didn't know. And, I would take things personally. I would blame you. I'd try and change you. And we don't do any of that anymore. And life is absolutely a lot more lovely, isn't it? Yeah, it is. I'm fascinated to know what you're talking about, to be honest.

I think, I imagine that you're going to recognise all of them. I'm sure I'll remember them. And I do just want to say, you know, you were in a relationship with me. I was diagnosed of ADHD. you then totally changed your mind about so many parts about me. Yeah. You did that work years before I ever did that work.

So I just want to say, shout out like to men with you. Me. Yeah. Yeah. Because that's, I don't know, not everyone would do that. Okay. Come and then. So this is the autism translation guide.

I'm the translator. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. I can do that. That's easy. Oh, I need to change my title with them. What do you mean? So I'll give you an example. I had number one, shutdowns aren't done on purpose to hurt.

Yeah. So if you're going to translate it, I'm going to do it from the perspective of someone that doesn't know yet. This is great. Ready? Number one, shutdowns are done to shut down the conversation and to refuse to engage. So for me, it is much needed and necessary processing time. So I would typically shut down often in conflict,

but sometimes when I'm just overwhelmed, my brain is going too quick to be able to engage with the conversation rationally. So I'll need time to reflect. And in an argument situation, I would need to really think can understand the situation. I can't react emotionally because I don't, I'm good at admitting when I'm wrong, right, and saying sorry, but I need to fully like get why I'm wrong, like what I did. And then, and then I'll come and apologize. But that's you, that's why. Is that what you had? Yeah. I guess, you know, to witness it as a partner, you can be in the middle of

talking about something really difficult. or you're dealing with something stressful, and I can see you. It looks like to me, you're disengaging with it. You're zoning out. All the social signals we're taught to look for as saying, shut up, get away, stop talking away.

Even I said, Rich, I speak your name, you ignore it. For a long time, that just used to annoy me. So why are you not? Hello, why are you not talking? to me, I would always want to process and talk and I'd add on all these other meanings to your behaviours, which was that you were trying to push me away or refusing to talk about it and just going silent, sort of as an act of defiant, using silence as an act of defiance rather than being completely overwhelmed by whatever's happening and actually don't have access to having

a conversation at that moment. I'm sure some people could potentially use it as an act of defiance if you don't then go back to that conversation. You can't be like, I'm over one, not going to talk about this and never talk about it again. Like, I need to like calm my nerves because that is that is avoidant, isn't it? That's also true. We're not saying shut down. That's fine.

Never talk about it again. We're saying shut down. That's part of how you're author. autism presents, take the time and then you come back together and whatever was happening, you chat about it. Yeah. Lovely. Okay.

Number two, being blunt is being really rude. I mean, I don't know any other way to communicate really. And when I'm being blunt, I understand logically that people could see it as rude for whatever a reason. But for me, it's just being, like, honest. It's being the most efficient with my words. Like, I don't know. What's the point in saying 10 words when you can say two and it mean the same thing? But it jolts people. I don't really know what else to say. It's that I don't mean it to be rude. Yeah, I guess rudeness would would often come. If someone was being rude, they're on purpose saying it to upset people. You, that's not you. I've really come to.

to learn that is not you, you're just saying what you're thinking. It is actually more honest than how a lot of people are living. But that is often perceived as roots. There's so many examples, but a tiny example. We're on a group call. People are doing small talk and you'll just be like, I'm done with a small talk now. Let's talk about work.

And you'd interrupt someone. There is a world where that could be seen as real. rude? I mean, I try not to interrupt, but like, bearing in mind, and I know that we talk about people and stuff like that, we're talking about neurotypical people and probably ADHD people with, like, how they would perceive me as rude in this situation. Put me with a fellow tistic. We, we are like a house on fire.

We achieve so much, so quickly, so efficient. so accurately, we speak the same language as each other. It is a dream. Yeah, so it's actually you're not being rude. You're just being yourself. And in different social situations that is perceived in different ways. Yeah, I've really had to adapt because I was obviously way on the repressed, overthinking people pleases spectrum.

So you put that next to someone who's really open and blunt. and we would get ourselves in situations when I'd be like, maybe you can't say that. Maybe you're being rude. Can you smile more? Yeah. Trying to prod you like a doll to like emote and say the right thing. I don't do that anymore.

I just let you be you. And I think it's lovely. And people that love you know. And people that don't. Who cares? Yeah, whatever. Okay. Number three for you to translate for us.

Going quiet means something's wrong. So no, I love being quiet. I not necessarily thinking. Are you talking mid-conversation or just like normally? Oh yeah, I should differentiate. So shutdown is when Rich wouldn't be able to speak to me or look at me. He's like obviously very overwhelmed. Quietness, I'm more just mean, say if we were in a group setting and you were just sat on your own.

Oh, no. If you were being quiet, if we were in a room together and you weren't speaking, general quietness in life. Oh, like when we went to your friend, Sean's birthday party, I was just sat quietly in a corner. I had a great time. Nothing was wrong with me. I just didn't want to interact with these people.

Oh, that is so brilliant. You were sat quietly in the corner, and by the way, everyone else, 30 people were stood up. Yeah, I sat down. So you did look quite unique in a wonderful way. And I remember being worried about it. I remember being like, are you okay? I mean to chat to you.

You were like, no, thanks. Hearing that you had a lovely time, what just sat people? What were you doing? I love people watching. I don't mind people watching at all. I prefer, especially with strangers, I'd prefer watching them than speaking to them.

It's far more of it. It's less cognitive load. I can just see what's going on. Like a sort of bystander. Yeah, I love it. I can also become fond of somebody. by just watching them interact with other people. I don't need to have conversation.

I'm like that. They've got a good vibe. Wow. See, that is, I've definitely struggled when you've been quiet in projecting onto that something's wrong when actually some of your happiest times

are when you're just sat quietly. Well, think of me when it's me and you here, we can go hours and no words are spoken. No. A bit of phone scrolling. A bit of cuddle. Maybe a little bit of Uber Eats. There might be some words for what we're going to have for dinner. Pizza Rock AFC.

Okay. Number four, for you to translate, please. You have to say it. This is a podcast. I know. You can't. People have, we've probably lost 10% of the listeners by now. In that silence.

Oh, dear. Okay. when they need to know the exact plan, it's because they're controlling. So that removes so many uncertainties. And so when the best way I like to think of it, obviously I don't speak for all autistic people. I'm going to speak for me. There is a difference between liking structure and plans

and needing structure and plans. If I don't know the plan, I am a bit overwhelmed, I'm a bit anxious. So I just, I need an itinerary. It doesn't have to be written down. But like, that's why I need to know. Are you talking about for us or like you as well? Because I sometimes like to know your plans. Not when you're doing what you're doing out of the house,

but I'd like to know if you're out of the house. I think it can be both. It's this judgment that it's controlling for someone to, we all need to leave it this time, I need to know the plan. And I have in the past seen that as controlling. Have you? Yeah. Don't think you ever said.

Well, you are now, I suppose. Here you go. You like direct communication. Here it is. Example at the airport, we arrive at the airport. I want to get a coffee. No, we cannot. It's not on the plan.

Like, it would really freak you out. I've definitely had moments when I'm like, I want a coffee. Like we're in an airport. It's over there. Like, I feel in that moment, I have felt controlled. I can't do something simple

because I've deviated from your mind plan that you haven't told me. So it's so easy for the person next to you to feel that way, Like as if they can't have freedom to do what they want or to be more flexible with the plan. What I understand now is that it was never, it was never about controlling me.

It was controlling your immediate environment to stop anxiety and to provide safety. So you having a detailed time plan and itinerary is so you can feel okay. Yeah. I mean, I guess a good, a good explanation of the fact that it isn't controlling is if it would never happen, right? But if you said to me, right, we're going to the airport, I'm going to want a coffee,

I'm going to want to look around the shops and I'm just going to want to vibe for a bit when we get there. I'll, I'll plan that in. I'll be like, that's, that's Bobby vibe time. You can have 45 minutes, go into what you want. I'm going to sit in this chair. Please come back by this time. I think we may have just solved a big problem in your intervention relationship. plan in the vibe time.

The problem is, if you've got an ADHD partner, I'm not necessarily a big one for planning. Part of my vibe time is the fact that it, like, do I want to go and smell some sense? Do I want to go in the book shop and smell some books? Don't want a copy. Like, I like to have flexibility. No, but does that not provide it? Because I'm not saying you need to know what you're doing in that vibe time.

You just need to know you've got that as vibe time. I don't know if I'd like, it's like, right, 920, you've now got 20 minutes of vibe time. I don't know if I'd like those constraints. We're at the airport because we've got a plane to catch. This is why you've missed planes. Not in recent years. Because I've been with you. Let's call it out.

You've missed quite a few flights because of probably vibe time. And that is why you cannot. have free reign of this. Fine. That is now starting to sound a bit controlling, but maybe some people need to be controlled. I think for an airport, maybe I am a bit controlling. I'm, you know, maybe. That's it. Okay. I've got a better example. Okay. If we are recording the podcast.

Yeah. And you've written some notes for how you want it to go. Yeah. And then I've got an idea as well. Yeah. Some notes like, how about we try this or we talk about this. Yeah. You can, I'm being really careful with my words.

You're talking about today. This happened today. Can I tell the truth? Yeah, go on. You were doing a wedding episode podcast. I was running late. Don't say a word. and Rich was going to plan the episode.

I normally planned the episode. So he planned the episode, wrote notes, I came down and gave some feedback to your plan, which didn't land very well. And I could see it happening, like not a shutdown, but just a sort of like roadblock, I'll call it, like an autistic roadblock. Like, that's not what I've written down,

but that isn't what I've planned. So I was trying to like, Get you. Could we possibly do that story as well? It's like, it's not what I've written down. It's not on my list. And I could see you struggling. Historically, go back a few years. I would not have understood. I'm like, I'm trying to give feedback to make something better. Maybe that we do together and you're completely just roadblocking it. Now I just look. I'm like, cool. I've triggered the autism. Let's go carefully, slowly, kindly. let's back off the energy and actually after some time you were completely okay

but do you see in that moment someone could look at you and go God he's not controlling but you won't take feedback he won't change his own ideas here's why it's not controlling is because we've both got the same goal right you

we both want people to watch the podcast enjoy it share it, all of that sort of stuff. You are the creative director of the podcast. I sit here and engage with typically your planned episode, you're planned, we'd talk them through, but they'll come from the depths of your great mind, right? But because we were running late, it wasn't your fault.

Let me just say that. You were like, do you want to do it? So I did. I went away. I got bullet pointed cards and stuff like that. We're on a time constraint. we had hardly any time to do it and then you started to try and have new ideas

so I was like there's one there's not time to change the plan and number two what like what why have I done it then I don't want to do it no but that's what I mean I think someone in that moment who wasn't autistic would just say I don't know if we've got time good ideas

maybe we'll try and bring one or two of those in but you were like it's not on the bullet points I was like, yeah, but we could add it, but I've already written them. I mean, it wasn't that I, oh, that's a blank card. I even writ, wrote, anyway, come on. I look at that now. I just understand it.

I see it in a totally different way. Like there is a sort of, there's a safety in bullet points routine plans. And if someone knocks that in any way, it's knocking your sense of safety. My whole life is bullet pointed. Emails, to do lists, everything. is in bullet point form. Mr. Bulletpoint. If I ever communicate anything to anyone,

it will be in bullet points, even WhatsApps. I love that. It works really well for you there, isn't it? It is succinct, isn't it? It is succinct. Okay, number five, if they don't react emotionally, they don't care.

Oh, God. You must have thought I didn't give a shit. I won't lie. I probably did struggle a bit. in the first couple of years? A couple of years? Yeah. Wow.

Why did you stay with me then if you thought, oh, he doesn't care about anything that I say? There's probably a therapy question that. No, I don't think you would have thought I don't, like that's, this is your moment to say, do what I mean? I knew that you cared. I knew you loved me. You showed me in so many ways.

But there were moments. when I was expecting an emotional, okay, this is a really small example. Yeah. Like when you'd come to my, you'd come to my gigs. And I think the first one was in 2022, so we'd been together two years. Yeah. It's been my dream for 20 years. I've finally done it.

I can't believe it. doing the first show, I believe it sold out 200 people, going to go together. And your reaction to that was... At the show, are we talking about? Yeah, just like, you didn't really say anything. You didn't emote. What you did do was help me get there, drove the car,

sold merch. No, like, so you show all this love and all these, like, really, practical, amazing ways that I need so much, I'm so grateful for, but my expectation of like, really big smile, oh, babe, I'm really proudy, well, wow, do I, that song said, can't give me a cuddle? That wasn't there. By the way, there's no shame. I'm not, I'm not asking for that. I understand I get so much love in different, wonderful ways. But I remember at the time feeling a bit flat like oh is it not it's really important to me is it not important to you yeah what do you what do you think yeah i mean it's it's well documented with autistic people so i do i do feel like

i'm sort of flying the flag for for autism here in that we feel very deeply internally but that doesn't always find its way out to the surface and this. So it won't, there's not a natural link between how I'm feeling inside and what my face looks like it's feeling. And because of that, and I've got quite a monotonous voice, so I could be really happy. I could say that I'm really happy. But my face is saying something different. But that's not, I'm not being sarcastic. That's just the way that it is. can see that throughout years and years of us being together. But I know that now and I can understand.

And it's actually unfair that I was looking for you to facially emote or do this big emotional. That's not. Or start crying. I would just wouldn't happen. And sometimes just not. No, but not for that normally. That's usually dog videos on TikTok. Yeah.

Isn't it funny? Yeah. Yeah. that they'll get you. But yeah, I think that is, it's so important to look at the ways that you are loved. I will also say now, probably with the wrong facial expressions or different facial expressions,

but I will make a point of, I know what's important to you, and I will say that I'm proud of you and stuff like that, but I'm not maybe as enthusiastic. I'd love to hear that. If we are at Download Festival and I come off, and you just go, Bubby, I'm really, It can, Bobby, I'm really proud of you.

I'll be exuberant, but no pressure, because you'll be there, you will have driven us up. Yeah. Talking about download festival and loud noises. Oh, stop it. Stop it. See what I've done there. Yeah. We are so lucky on this podcast to be sponsored by the wonderful loop earplugs, a brand that Rich and I absolutely love.

I've got ADHD and Rich is autistic, so we're both on the neurodivergent spectrum, and that can often come with sound sensitivities. For example, if you're going to a music festival, you might love it, but it might be a bit loud or crowded in certain areas. So that is what loop earplugs are for. We have got our favourite ones on a website with loop earplugs where you guys get 20% off. We've got a kids range. We have got an engage range. We've got an experience range and a quiet range. Basically, anything that you need in life. I'm also telling you now, as much as I love you, talking about the support and gigs and stuff, I wouldn't be going to download if I didn't have loop earplodes. It wouldn't happen. Are you going to wear the like really, which we have to decide, do you want to hear some of it or? No, I'll hear some of it.

Look quiet. Block you out completely. Well done, babe. No, I love that you will be backstage with your little loops in and it'll be, it'll be lovely. I can't wait. Right, you ready?

I'm ready. I'm loving this, by the. I feel like we're hashing out some unsaid stuff. Well, I didn't know this stuff was unsaid until now, but I also love it. Number six. When you miss a hint, you're doing it on purpose to be difficult.

Oh my God. So this takes me to your birthday and I like this was so horrendous. Oh no. That was my 40th birthday. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I found this so difficult.

And I actually said to you because basically Rocks hinted that she wanted a birthday party after telling me for five or six years that she didn't celebrate birthdays. It was like, well, I do now. I've been to therapy. So I now want to embrace my birthday. I'm like, what does that mean?

And like, you didn't say it. You weren't mean about it. But I could tell you wanted me to take the hint and know what that meant and know what to do. And I was like, I don't, I want to make it special for you. I don't know what to do. I don't want to mess it up. So this is like an impossible situation for me. That was probably just before.

we kind of started thinking, oh God, actually, we got all the comments, Rich, one of us, one of us. Yeah. Yeah, I really messed that one up. I did the sort of the neurotypical thing of kind of just, yeah, I might like, you know, something with maybe people that mean something, maybe something that I like. my dream, my kind of like sad, childish dream would be someone would throw me a surprise birthday. Birthdays have always been very, very difficult since my mum has died. So I have this childish fantasy. Someone is going to like notice that, hold on, it's rocks his birthday. It's a throw a big party and it's a surprise and everyone's there. and it's, yeah, a bit of a fantasy.

And I think I put it on you that I would hope that person would be you. But that's not fair, is it? Yeah, but now I know that, that's probably something I could do before we die. You wouldn't know about it. I didn't know that was the thing. You've never said that before. That is probably like a pre-therapy fantasy. So you don't want a party anymore, a surprise one?

No. So it's no longer a fantasy. Well, look. You need to write this down. We might hash this out off the pod. I don't want a huge party where I don't know. Right. This is, you see what I mean, listeners.

You couldn't win. I was hinting that I wanted you to do something. I didn't want to have to tell you exactly what to do because then it kind of ruined the magic of it being you thinking about me and me being considered. I think that's it, someone who goes, oh, what would they like and like plan something? And actually we both ended up getting upset, getting miscommunication firing all over the place.

And then I... Wait a minute. Sorry. Can I just add to it? Just it, not in my defence. I know we're not arguing. But from my memory, if my memory serves me right, you decided to tell me that you no longer hated birthdays and would like to maybe do something like three days before your birthday. Yeah. That is, that was difficult to comprehend. A hundred percent. Right.

Right, fine. But see, even in that, even in that experience, and this calls on the other point, my expectation, my unrealistic expectation would your reaction to be, oh my God, Bubby, you've always hated birthdays. This is huge. I haven't got much time, but let's do so. Big smile, tears in your eyes. Like, it's not, it's not fair.

But I guess, I guess that really highlights the different narrow divergencies as well, because if I said that to you three days before my birthday, you'd be all over it. You'd be like a pig in poop. Me, completely overwhelmed. It's not how I work. No, I know. But I think I was needing emotional reactivity while dropping, I also need a plan on someone.

It was, it was not, it was not right. learnt from that. So now I will just tell you, I do think, you know, is a bit of a tip. If you want someone to understand you, speak in their language. So if I speak to you directly, so it might feel rude to me, you'll love it. If I'm like, I want to go out on Saturday because it's my birthday, it means a lot to me. And you source it out. You'll go lovely. You're absolutely love that. Yeah, I would. It's, yeah.

It's so sweet. And then you did an amazing job, didn't you? Oh, okay. Number seven. Oh, look at this. When they don't want to go out, they're being extremely anti-social. I completely agree.

But I don't want to be social. That's factual. Yeah, but you can be social. in a little group with me with a couple of buddies with Matt on your golf course that you're not anti-social Okay Or do you think you are anti-social

If I got this one wrong No I'm not I don't Maybe it's nuanced Because if you said Babe do you want to go to a party And I'm like no That is I want to stay here and watch Marvel movies

That probably is anti-social Yeah But I can do social in smaller groups and stuff Moving on, because that one's flopped. Let's see if I can bring it back with number nine. Oh, I've brought it back so hard. Come on, Rucks. The need for accuracy is just about winning and dominating.

Oh, that is so wrong. That is so wrong. Literally, so I have an innate need for accuracy. to be accurate. I don't care what the subject is, whether, well, I do. For me, it's barely numbers based or patterns based or whatever. It's numbers, patterns, maths, taxes. Sounds riveting. It is riveting. I know. Oh, are you being sarcastic? Yes, my time. But I, right, so I'll be, I can be really clear with this, doing a good job so far, aren't I? need it to be right. I don't need to be right. Like I, I would prefer if I said something, it was wrong.

Someone corrected me. I'd be like, brilliant. That's now right. It's not about me needing to be right. So all the people maybe think that because they're wrong more times than I am. So like, I'm usually the one doing the correcting because I will, and I don't mean to sound arrogant, but like, I will spot things. That is my talent. I like, you've got some unbelievable creative talents. Give me something with patterns or numbers and I will spot anomalies or inaccuracies. Why, you know, I think. I'm thinking about you as like, the tax man.

That's your superpower. You can spot percentages in tax. It's a, it is your superpower. Right. It sounds boring, but you can put it in real. real world. So we are, sounds cringe to say it, we're social media influencers. So I can look through videos, understand all of the analytics, all of the insights, the engagement things, and I can help us in our business. So there's practical applications. I'm not just looking at

spreadsheets and like getting excited. Like it's in real life. No, and it's amazing. It adds so much value but as an example you know if you see something that's wrong and then you call it out it can land to someone as you wanting to win you wanting to be right or to dominate not not so much of me but some people that we work with i'm sure they can oh god rich is rich is on one again oh what's that 4.1 now is it mate like i i understand it and i used to be conscious about it i'm not anymore i'm like that's their problem you fight for what is right not for you being right. No, I used to apologise. I'm sorry for correcting you, but could you actually maybe do it correctly, please? Sorry to being inconvenience for fun. Just do it correctly. Or this is wrong.

You are fully unmast. I love it. I think we're probably that here, aren't we? Coming in last one. Number 10, this is beautiful one. You ready? Yeah. I'm not going to say it the wrong way around because it wouldn't work. When they show you love, they might just show it a little bit differently, but they still show it. Yeah. You aren't a big facial emotor. You aren't a crier. You aren't really a hugger.

Get too hot. You get too hot. So that normal thing of like what you imagine someone that's very loving and caring to be like, you're not. But you are incredibly loving and caring. But it looks different.

It's. takes on a different form and it's amazing and it's so important that you don't miss that because you're but why aren't you hugging me? Why is your tone like it's? Why aren't you like? Don't miss the gold stuff. Well I think with you so I think you would like me to be more cuddly and all that sort of stuff but I it's not just about doing the laundry and helping with the kitchen and stuff. I think most of the time, and if you're in the room with me or we're out together, I will have an awareness of what you might be struggling with,

any potential issues you might face, things that you wouldn't have thought of. And I like mitigate that emotional burden and risk. That's why I do. 24-7. All the time. ADHD bumper car walking around me. And I always, like,

You will always come up to me late leaving the house saying, have you seen my, whether it's wallet or AirPods or whatever, and I will always know exactly where they are. That's love, by the way. Yeah. That's real love. Oh, I'm proud of you, Bobby. This has been our autistic translation guide.

We hope that you've enjoyed it. I've been learning so much about Rich and his journey over the life. couple of years and it is such a pleasure to share it with you guys. We'd love to hear from you in the comments whether something we said has made you think or maybe some translations and understandings that you have found yourself. And I've had a great time. If you've liked this episode, give us a like, follow, share, subscribe, whatever buttons you can see, press them. And if you haven't, don't you speak, have a good date. We'll see you next week.