LATE BLOOMERS - BIRTHDAY BLUES: Why some of us cry on our birthday (and what to do about it)

Episode Date: November 5, 2025

Birthdays are meant to be joyful… right? So why do they so often come with pressure, comparison, anxiety, and that quiet feeling of I should be happier than this? In this episode of LATE BLOOMERS, Rich and Rox talk honestly about the emotional hangover that can hit around birthdays — especially when you’re feeling behind, overwhelmed by expectations, or carrying grief into another year. From childhood memories and milestone shame to the fear of ageing, loneliness, and the desire to feel seen, they unpack why birthdays can sting even when life is good. They also explore how to turn birthdays into something gentler: a chance to celebrate growth, honour who you are now, and find gratitude without forcing joy or pretending everything’s perfect. Tender, relatable, and funny in all the right places — this episode is a reminder that getting older isn’t something to fear. It’s something to live through, learn from, and sometimes cry about… then eat cake anyway. 🎂

My place in tech changes every day, but I don't fear the future, because I'm with the leader, Pluralsight. Their online learning platform has the hands-on expert-led courses I need to master new tech skills and create bigger impact. So I can learn quickly and stay ahead. With Pluralsight, I don't fear what's next. I embrace it. Tap in at Pluralsight.com and see for yourself. Today is a very special episode of late bloomers because we have an in-house birthday.

Oh God. We're doing a whole episode, no. Come on. How old are you? 40? I love it. I love that you're in your 40s now. You can finally stop making jokes.

I mean, you were there a long time ago, though. Like a year ago? Year and a half. Two years? A year? A year and a month. Can you stop trying to make me older than I am? Like, this is late blooms.

We're not ashamed of great. growing older, but do you know what I mean? Let's not rush it. We're actually going to do a birthday episode. It's going to be about the birthday blues, which I think we both know quite a lot about how we really feel about getting older, how we feel about being celebrated. So this is late bloomers where we are getting our lives together, even when we're old. Eventually, when we're 40. Yeah. We're literally 40 years old. so what's this about this obviously not just about my birthday right no but it's inspired by the fact that it's your birthday and the fact that birthdays are quite loaded in society aren't they yeah

there's a sort of expectation to have the most amazing day ever a massive party eat cake go out party and open presents like it's very very strange and i think both of you and i have struggled in different ways with living up to and wanting that like classic birthday it's it's it's probably the one area and you know don't misunderstand what i'm about to say but it's the one area where i can actually relate to you a little bit because i look at all these people that have like celebrate birthdays and birthday weeks sometimes birthday months I'm doing this that and the other and I like that's almost the expectation that you should celebrate your birthday I just don't care like I don't I don't want to and this is the spice of the episode because you are someone that

swears blind that they don't care yeah I am someone that swore blind for a very long time I didn't care and then realized recently that actually I cared a lot And I'd just love to talk about those two different perspectives, what we really feel like, where it might come from, and just see if there's anything interesting we can discover. Because I do sort of think, and this might be a bit mean, but if I meet someone that's like just quite happy and well adjusted, they tend to be very open with celebrating their birthday. Yeah, I would say. Because if someone is anti-birthday, I'm like, oh dear, are we dealing with a bit of trauma? is something going on. That's a wild statement and generalisation to make, but that's my theory. It's interesting. I don't think that's where I'm at. Like, when I think about

getting older and birthdays and stuff, I just, like, we've just started doing CrossFit and I, like, ache more. Like, it's not good news that I'm getting older, in some respects, anyway. Oh, that's interesting. So I guess, like, a birthday, even if you're not into the massive symbolism and the big family gathering it still is a kind of market of another year it's like your own personal new year's eve yeah every year that goes by so what does it feel like for you to be in your 40s now because that's a pretty big birthday buddy so I love my like I'm really happy I don't I wouldn't say that I feel old but in some respects I do Like, I can't do the things that I used to be able to easily do at 20.

Like, I'm tired, I'm broke, and I make sounds when I bend down. I'm like, what's, what's this all about? And I don't enjoy that so much. So, like, maybe this CrossFit is, like, trying to hang on to youth, like, doing exercise. Do you think we're having a midlife crisis by joining CrossFit? I mean, maybe we're having a midlife crisis being on the internet and making podcasts and stuff. Welcome to the midlife crisis podcast.

Maybe the whole thing is just the midlife crisis. We're late bloomers. We just found our jazz and our joy a little bit later in life. What I do think, though, and this isn't about the age, the number. What I do love about getting older is I am getting better and better and better, or better, sorry, better and better and better at prioritising myself. Like, I just want to do what I want to do. Oh, you're very good at that.

I'm not here to impress people. I'm not here to do things that other people want me to do that I don't want to do. Is this the right time to tell you that we're having a massive surprise birthday and I've got 25 people turning up on 10? We better not be having a massive surprise. Like, it also, also, birthday parties probably used to be more, fun when I was drinking. Oh, an excuse to drink all day long.

Yeah, like, and don't get me wrong, when it, you know, my birthday, planning the day, me and you going out for a nice meal, maybe stay in a nice hotel with just me and you, or me, you and the dog, at a push maybe the kids. But that's, that's where I draw the line. Okay, so, birthdays are strange. we're getting older, there's a weird social pressure and we appear on the surface to be very different. So I would love to kind of dig in to you, your history and your view of birthdays and figure out what is like the perfect birthday for you. I wish I'd done this episode a couple

weeks ago, so. Why? Because then I would have known and I would have been able to plan and execute. I just have to hope that I've got it right. But first of all, I'd like to ask you, what were your childhood birthdays like? Um, well, I don't really remember, if I'm being brutally honest. I, are we talking like eight, nine texts? I haven't got a clue.

No idea. You don't remember any parties or birthdays. No. And if I can go to 18, that's about as far back as I can go. But my 18th birthday was the day before I got married for the first time and two months before Sear was born. So it wasn't really a thing. I was 17 when you were engaged in Sears. I got married the day after my 18th birthday. Like literally the next day. I was 18 on the 2nd and November, got married on the 3rd. And then... But what was your 18th? A celebration? Oh no.

Not really. Wait, was that the birthday when you... No, that wasn't a birthday. Oh, right. Sorry. Not really. I was out with my dad and uncle in the pub. Obviously, it was day before wedding day, so I couldn't go crazy.

Although I did. I drunk quite a lot. But it was only in a local pub, but it wasn't really about my 18th birthday. It was obviously getting married the next day. day. It was all just, it was all just everything. And then, I was a dad. Fast for 22 years. Like, they just become less relevant, really. What blows my mind is that you can't remember any of your childhood birthdays at all. What about if you think about, like, looking through a photo album? Can you remember, like, a photo of you with a cake or a party or...

No, I don't, no, I don't have any photo albums. What do you mean? Maybe I didn't exist before 18. Maybe I just don't remember. Honestly, I can't, I can't answer your question. You need to ask your mum and dad, because I'm sure you would have had birthday parties. Maybe. And then, like, your big one, you don't remember 16. No.

You remember 18, but that's because you were getting married. Yeah. It's making a bit more sense to me. Right. Why you might just be like, being fuss. It's not trauma. one of those things, you know, I love to find the trauma and everything. I'm not not saying that. I just mean, wow, like, that does make, if it's never been an important

thing, you don't even remember it, don't even know what was going on, 18 was done and dusted, that's funny though, because then you become a dad at 18, were you big on celebrating Sears' birthday? Because kids are a bit different, aren't they? Yeah, like, yeah, but it was more out of due, Sear would have birthday parties every year and we went doughnutting and stuff or bouncy cut, whatever.

Like, you know what you do for little kids in a whole? So you remember, but you remember all of Sears? No, I don't remember every birthday, no. It's funny though, because Sear isn't really that into birthdays either. They are, that you have a countdown of what presents they want. Oh, yeah, they don't want a big family gathering.

But they want an expensive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's so true. Let's say now they're an adult because they don't get, we don't spend as much on them. But yeah, growing up, they were talking months before. How about this for my birthday? How about now? Do you mean?

Like, it would be a big builder. It's so sweet. Okay, so we haven't got any evidence of childhood birthdays or links. What about you? Because you're interesting because you up until literally your 40th were adamant, you know, I don't care, I don't want to fuss. Which I thought was just real. So you're like someone who maintains they don't want to celebrate. I was someone who said that for many years and then actually discovered not only did I not want to say.

I wanted like a big celebration. Yeah. In my own way. Are you, just so, are you wanting that every year? Or like, just so I know you'll want, you want something every year, but it doesn't need to be massive. Like, I know that maybe the live podcast isn't when I should be asking these questions. Big, big.

I'm not big, like, a 30-person meal. That's not big, but I want it to be a big deal for my family. So, like, on my 40th, you and Seer came and woke me up with presents, took me downstairs, you'd put decorations up. Okay. Like, that was like such a big deal. I just want to have a card and a present and a cuddle and be made to feel special. Fine.

I don't think that's going big. I think some people think big party would think like 100 people. Yeah. So, no, me as a kid, yeah, I can remember having like swimming parties, little friendship parties, not clearly. I don't remember a lot of my childhood clearly, but... I can recall it through photo albums that I've seen a lot of me with a cake. So I know my parents would have done like a party and cake every year.

Definitely would have hung out with school friends. I think that was all quite normal. So I was probably like following quite a normal path of celebrating. So why did you go so long saying that you don't care about it then? So it changed when my mum got ill. Yeah, okay. Oh no, it's the birthday episode I'm going to cry

Oh dear Go on then Well it's called Birthday blues Yeah okay It's my birthday And I cry if I want It's not your birthday

But you can also cry If I want I'm a singer Did you know I know So when my mum got ill When I was 18 She was ill

She was ill from 18 to 21 So that changed it Because when someone's got terminal cancer I don't know It's not Takes the edge off the birthday. Yeah, takes the edge off. So I remember going for dinner with my mum and dad on my 21st,

and she was really, really ill. She's going to die the next year. I was just completely lost, broken, but family that didn't speak about anything. So, like, we went for this dinner, and I just remember feeling lost and lonely and sad. And, like, this is the last birthday I'll have my mum that didn't know how to do it. It's horrible.

So birthdays became, like, grief. So probably was linked to a bit of trauma then your birthday. That's probably why I'm looking for it in your life. Oh yeah, dead mum will. And yeah, just like that sucked. That sucked so hard. Then, oh God, yeah, then on my 22nd birthday. Yeah.

The 23rd birthday, trigger warning was when I took tried to And ended up in hospital Right On your birthday On Wow It was because

My mum had been gone for a year I'd found out my dad had Gone back to his mistress And that just broke me in That broke me in bits I was like I can't carry on It felt like losing my dad as well as my mum Because that was a very very complicated

relationship he'd gone back to And I just, yeah, went out, got really drunk and then done something very, very silly when I got home. So the fact that you want a fuss around your birthdays now probably indicates a bit of healing has been done then. Probably. Probably. Yeah.

I think as well, after that, we didn't have any deaths or end of life attempts. But I just got used to being like, oh, it's nothing. Like, it doesn't, I don't care. It doesn't matter. I shut it off from mattering. Because in a strange way, it was like, well, my mum's never going to be here. So I'm never going to be happy ever in life. Sorry to sound depressing, but that's kind of what grief is like.

So, yeah, whatever. It means nothing. My dad's not a big birthday person at all. So I would get a card. And sometimes he'll say, let me know if you want something from Amazon. You know, it's strange because it's, It hurt me very much, but it's probably similar to what you're like. So I have to have a bit of compassion for my dad that, like,

what do you want from Amazon was his way of, I don't know. Yeah. Celebrating my birthday. Well, it doesn't have to, when you're an adult, I do believe this. Like, it doesn't have to be all about gifts and stuff. Oh, no. Just thought is what's important. Thought and love.

To be honest, I probably would rather just a hug and be talking about it. Yeah, yeah. I don't need a gift. Because I don't think anyone should feel pressure of having to buy. Oh, God. No, no, no, no, no. Completely not. Yeah, so then I had so many years of just like, now, whatever, I did have a celebration. I think it was on my 30th. Like, sort of did a meal.

I felt like I should do it. Got absolutely off my face. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, just not very good memories for me. and then I remember the my dad used to send cards and he sort of stopped sending cards and I remember one year

maybe a couple years ago a few years ago I got a card from my stepmom and it sounds like a nice thing but it's very difficult relationship for me and it was like from her and then in brackets and your dad and I was like bloody out

I'm not even worth a card anymore off my dad can't even be bothered to do that now obviously birthdays don't mean loads to him like they don't mean loads to you. So I try and view it as like it's not telling me I don't matter at all.

Yeah, but there's a big difference between the two. So me not caring about birthdays isn't necessarily a negative thing. And even when you say, like, you want to be made of fuss of on your birthday and stuff, it's more important in my mind, like life is more important. Like every day, every week is more important.

like I have a great life I love my life so another day doesn't matter and my challenge to you of course I'll do what I think is right for your birthday and hopefully get it right but when you say you know you want to be thought about you want to be loved I would hope that you would feel that all of the time oh no so like it's a bit harder like do you know what I mean I can't compare you and my dad that's that's unfair I was just trying to not see him as the the villain but um you're loving it every day he doesn't even talk to me so i guess on a birthday it's like it's my one time to have a card from my dad and he stopped yeah even doing that so it was like you do feel like you don't matter at all and obviously i don't have my mum so my mum i'm sure

would have been organizing but it's a sign that is unhealthy that you want to you're even hoping that on one day that you're thought of and loved by let's say your dad Like that's a sign What about the other 364 days a year Do you mean Like maybe you wouldn't care as much It's so true

If God that is The rest of it was there That is so true And quite depressing Wow And we'll come back to me But I feel like we could have a break

From the depression So back over to you Okay So My worry If I'm being totally honest with you Yeah is because I was so sure that I hated my birthday

and didn't ever want to celebrate it and it's no big deal for so many years like even with you for our first few years together I was like it means nothing like let's not do anything I worry that you are like me and that I'm like projecting on you that you're a secret celebrator and you would actually love it if people thought about you

and there was a lovely dinner and you had all these thoughtful presents and it was made, and you were made a bit of a fuss of. So I guess I want to get to the bottom of that. Well, I don't know how to prove it to you, but like it's not like I'm not making it up. A big party is not,

because I'll feel like I need to be unsure and I can't go when I've had enough like I do with every other party because it's my party so I have to stay to the end I'd be like, well, I've had my dinner now, guys, I'm going to get head off. I can't do that if everyone's there for me.

It's interesting. Is there some sort of autism traits in there? Like you don't want to be in a loud environment, you don't want the social pressure, you don't want to be centre of attention. Yeah, probably, because I, you know, I, the other thing, by the way, I'll get to that.

gifts are not that important to me because like if I want it I'll buy it like I wouldn't ever want you to buy me something that we couldn't afford anyway so like if if I want something I'll just buy it I don't need to wait for my birthday because I'm like an adult now um but is it not like the thought like if you had like a lovely um custom leather suitcase that like that like matched your weekend. Hold on. Oh, God. So, sure, lovely, but there's all, there's, there would always be a part of me that's thinking, it's a lovely thought, but it'll be too expensive and it'll be a waste, like, a waste of money. Really? Probably. Even if someone else has bought it for you. It depends on who that someone else is. Because if it's you, it all comes out

the same part. Do you know what I mean? God, that's so true. Yeah, we should have done this two weeks ago. Okay, so you aren't into the lovely custom. Look, if it's, like, I'll be grateful and I'm sure I would love it. But it would take me a minute to be like, oh, my God, this amount of money's been spent on a bag that I'll use twice a year. Is that the same with a party? Would it be like there's 50 people here, 50 quid each?

Oh, you'd expect me to pay for everyone at the party? If we were having a family dinner. A hundred percent not then. Like, what? If your host in the birthday, it's on your... I'd pay for it, but obviously it's joint... But it's my birthday. Like, how about they pay for it?

Do you know what you mean? God, wow, yeah. It's just a different way of... I'm like a scroogeller. That is... That is from like maybe a struggling childhood where I didn't have any money. Like, and I was thinking about this the other day, right?

Um, and I can say this with... absolute conviction, this is the God's honest truth. I don't mind spending money. I don't like wasting money. And that's where me and you, and I'm not talking about gifts, but that's where me and you will differ. Like if you forget to cancel an appointment, like it could be 50 quid, but it's just didn't need to be spent. There's nothing to show for that 50 quid. You might as well have thrown it down the drain. That hits me really hard. But I don't mind spending money on the house. We spent loads of money on the house. Yeah.

But, yeah, I don't, like, I would see, I don't enjoy it enough for it to be good to spend. So no big birthday dinner and no big bag next year. Next year, you're going to love your birthday. Yeah, but I'm not saying just ignore me on my birthday, either. Like, let's go out for dinner or maybe me and you stay in a hotel. So, look, here's the thing about birthdays, right? forget all the social pressure. It's your one day to feel the most happy, most loved.

Like if you were going to feel the most loved on your birthday, what is that ideal day? Sure. Well, my love language isn't being bought gifts or being in parties. It would be words of affirmation. It would be like a nice intimate meal. Maybe me and you stay somewhere nice. That would be a dream.

So just like a very lovely, quiet. hotel, spa, nice meal, maybe some nice cards from the kids with nice ways. Right, lovely. So you do like celebrating birthdays. Just not the way everyone else does. No, because we went away last year for your birthday, just a few of us. A little Airbnb, we took Rocket. And I've never seen you sort of happier on a birthday.

Yeah. That you, I think you quite enjoyed it, didn't you? Somewhere where I can walk Rocket off lead, there's no one else there. is lovely because you could go on long walks, throw a tennis ball around, like, nice. So in a way, you've smashed it. You know what you like and you've created a sort of life. I don't think anyone's going to be throwing you big surprise parties. So now I need to know for you.

So for me, this year was the, or last year was the big change. Yeah. So it was coming up to my 40th and I was, and you had asked me so many times. like it's your 40th. I know it can be a big deal. Is that, do you want to celebrate? I was like, nah, I don't do birthdays. I'm not into it. Like, I was playing it so cool. Like, I've always played it cool because I'd learn not to have any expectations because I'll end up disappointed. So I was like playing it cool to cover up actually quite a lot of sadness. And then during therapy, it like came up in my therapy and I was like talking quite deep about it. And I was like,

oh my god wow like i would actually love to have some family around me and have cards and presents but i've told everyone not to bother and i was sort of encouraged in therapy to share that with you but i found that so difficult because i told you not to bother and it was like two weeks before and i remember we were in the car and i was like bobby i think i i think i've got it wrong i think i do want to celebrate my birthday in your face was like it was two weeks or one week away maybe i don't think it was two weeks but i don't know it's just for the first time i realized i was acting i was pretending i didn't care because i didn't want to get my feelings

hurt but actually i wanted cards and i wanted presents to open in the morning i wanted to have a meal i wanted to be happy i didn't want it to be this sad depressing my mom's not here and oh my dad doesn't contact i don't want it to be sad anymore like I'm 40. I've been sad about it for 20 years. I want to be someone that's like I'm quite a sparky character. Yeah. Yeah, when I'm not crying. I want to celebrate. So I sort of told you I wanted to celebrate and then within that week you had arranged a family dinner with your family to come up and see me and with the kids. So that was amazing. And then we'd had a wonderful morning where you'd put up decorations, you and Sear both wrote lovely cards. I had presents in bed and then you didn't you take me to a lovely spa?

Yes, I did, yeah. So you've done like, you smashed it out of the park, babe. Okay, so I need to know that for future years as well. Obviously not every year's 40. Yeah. So it doesn't have to be like the five-star spa. It does though, doesn't it? Well, I mean, it's lovely, see?

Yeah. My love language is obviously five-star spas. But no, I just think to be thought. of and celebrated it's something I'd been starved of for so long since I lost my mum and then to get that from you and the kid, oh my God, it was just

Okay, cool. It was lovely. So, happy birthday to you. Thanks. I hope I haven't bought the mood down too much. Well, you have, but it's fine. It's okay. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Barbie. Happy birthday

to you and many more guys we hope that you've enjoyed listening to our birthday blues episode we'd love to know what you think about your birthday do you want a big hundred person party with bowling and pizza and karaoke or do you like rich want nothing at all i don't reckon i even know a hundred people let alone like a hundred people um let us know we hope you've enjoyed this episode loads of love to you happy birthday if anyone shares the same birthday as you do let us know, give us a like, follow, a subscribe and we'll see you next week.