LATE BLOOMERS - BOUNDARIES, BABY: Why you feel burnt out, resentful, and overwhelmed (and how to change it)

Episode Date: March 25, 2026

In this episode of LATE BLOOMERS, Rich and Rox dive into one of the most important (and uncomfortable) skills you’ll ever learn — boundaries. If you’ve ever said yes when you meant no, felt res...ponsible for everyone else’s emotions, or ended up burnt out from being “too nice,” this one is for you.They break down the signs of weak boundaries, why people pleasing feels like kindness, and why setting boundaries can feel so physically and emotionally difficult — especially for ADHD and highly empathetic brains. Expect honest stories, tough truths, and a few moments that might hit a little too close to home.Most importantly, they show you how to start building boundaries in a way that actually works. Simple, practical, and real. Because you’re not selfish for protecting your energy — you’re finally taking your life back.20% off Loop Earplugs: https://www.loopearplugs.com/pages/lp-adhdlove

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Starting point is 00:00:45 Do you often say yes when you mean no? Do you find yourself overgiving to people and then burning out? Are you everybody's therapist and best friend, but you're the one silently suffering? Today we're going to be talking about boundaries, baby. It's one of the most important things for those of us who are highly sensitive and high on empathy, but nobody ever taught us what they are or how to do them. So we are going to do that today. Welcome to Late Bloomers, where we are getting our lives together.
Starting point is 00:01:20 Eventually. And this episode is brought you by our amazing sponsor, Loop Earplug. Oh my God, it's boundaries, baby. Boundaries with a lot of sort of a bit of a sprinkling of people pleaser, I guess. It's basically the same thing. It's always already making me uncomfortable. People that are people pleases are the ones that need boundaries the most. And we hear a lot about it on social media set boundaries, just say no.
Starting point is 00:01:50 But it isn't that easy. So we really want to like talk through it today, how to figure out. whether you've got weak boundaries. Why having strong boundaries is so amazing. Why weak boundaries feel like kindness. Why setting boundaries feel so uncomfortable. And then finally, how to start actually building boundaries. Now, out of me or you, who do you think has got a boundaries issue?
Starting point is 00:02:22 That's you, babe, I think. I have pretty cast iron boundaries. Impenetrable. I don't know what the opposite, but people displeaser. Like, you don't care and I love it and I'm envious. But here's the thing. We have a very different personality type.
Starting point is 00:02:43 So naturally, I score very high on like sensitivity, on wanting to kind of help others feel others' emotions on empathy. and that pie can just leave you so open to burning out and being a big ball of resentment. Yeah, and whatever the opposite of those things you just said are, that would be me. Yeah, I love that for you. So basically in this episode, I'm going to be the guinea pig. Okay. Okay.
Starting point is 00:03:14 So we're going to go through all of these different things with the goal of hopefully helping people to realize that they might, may need some more strong boundaries in their life if they relate to me. In fairness, though, I do feel a bit of a caveat. I mean, you're not perfect, but you've definitely improved in this area, I would say over the last couple of years. The last 18 months since I've been in really good therapy. Yeah. Yeah, it's been a huge part of it.
Starting point is 00:03:44 And you don't realize it's a problem until you start working on it. And then you look back and go, oh my gosh, how did I ever? survive. So we're going to start off with part one, which is identifying weak boundaries. So I'm going to list some things. You tell me if they resonate or not. Over-explaining and over-apologising. I mean, we're both giggling, because that is probably the title of my autobiography. Yeah, I've just said that I'm getting better. That is one area I'm so bad at.
Starting point is 00:04:27 I'm constantly over-explaining, giving too much context and saying sorry for everything. A small example, somebody says, hey, would you be available to meet me tomorrow? Oh my God, thank you so much for asking me. The thing is, tomorrow I've got this thing on so I could try, I could move it. If I got this train, I could possibly be there. If not, I'm so incredibly sorry, rather than just like, hey, sorry, tomorrow doesn't work. Is there another day? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:55 Or not. Or not. Yeah. So big tick from me on that one. By the way, listeners, keep your own little mental checklist to figure out whether you might have weak boundaries. So that is a ding for you, yeah? Ding, ding. Feeling responsible for other people's emotions.
Starting point is 00:05:14 So yes, but I think I have got way better. Yeah, I would agree. Yeah. I don't think you're cured. No. That's the right phrase. Maybe I used to be level 10 and now I'm like level 8 or 7, but I've definitely turned down the heat.
Starting point is 00:05:32 So that is basically, it's such a strange feeling. The sense that you are somehow in control or like responsible for someone else and you can't let them feel anything bad, it's almost like your soul is owed to the world. You were made to be consumed and devoured to make other people feel better. And yeah, it's a really strange phenomenon. Is this linked? I remember when we were first together,
Starting point is 00:06:03 there'd be a few conversations that I can remember where they were saying something that was maybe highly emotional. And you were like, you were like crying. Who was saying something? People that we were with, I think Amy had said it. Like they were talking about things in their life. No. So that's not, that's not boundaries.
Starting point is 00:06:23 That's just being like highly sensitive and really high on empathy. If someone's feeling a strong emotion, I'm often feeling it too. That can be anyone. That can be a film. That can be a song. That can be a stranger on the street. But I wonder if that, maybe that isn't obviously directly linked to boundaries. But I wonder why, I wonder if that makes it a bit harder.
Starting point is 00:06:44 Because you feel it as if it's your own. That's it. You feel other people's pain so much. You desperately want to get in to try and fix it. But yeah, I always feel like if I'm in a room full of people, I'm monitoring. I don't want anyone upset or angry or left out. I am responsible for everyone there.
Starting point is 00:07:02 Yeah. This next one, I think you have got loads better at, but almost sometimes it feels like the pendulum swung too far. So avoiding conflict at all costs. Yeah. historically, I would never say anything to anybody that could possibly trigger even a minor disagreement. I was petrified of it. How do you think I've swung?
Starting point is 00:07:28 So what I mean is, I'm not saying you go out and look for conflict, but I guess what's happening in your mind is like, no, I'm going to stick up for myself. I'm going to say a boundary. And because you're hyped so much, the way you deliver it sometimes, I'm like, wow, that was well awkward. To you or to others? Just the vibe, just the energy. But is it to you or to others?
Starting point is 00:07:48 Oh no, not to me, really. But on calls and stuff to our manager and stuff like that, if you're like putting your foot down, you'll do it in such a like, such a me way, such a blunt and direct way. And I guess I suppose I'm just not used to it coming from you. So it feels different. Yeah, 100%.
Starting point is 00:08:06 So let's take an example. Somebody wants to book a meeting with me. And they're like, right, we need to book a meeting for Tuesday. It's really important. Old me, you be like, really important. Okay, amazing. Have got something in for Tuesday. I'd move it.
Starting point is 00:08:23 Like, thanks so much. Now I'm like, I've got something in. I'm not doing Tuesday. And they're like, but it's really important. I'm like, I don't care. There's something in there. Please, can you move it? Here's the wonky thing.
Starting point is 00:08:33 I'm so unpracticed that like it doesn't come out very human. Look, I'm learning, babe. Baby, it's better than, it's better than the alternative. Burning out. Yeah. Holding secret resentment, this is classic you. I would have denied it. Years ago I would have been like, no, I don't have any resentment.
Starting point is 00:08:55 I'm the nicest person alive. I'm nice to everybody. That's just my jam. Internally, and I never let anyone see it, I was like, seething and angry because it's almost like I went into this secret contract with people. Like, I'm going to be so nice and overgiving. And then you're going to, like, treat me amazingly at all time. But when you're super nice and overgiving, people just take the piss at you and you get used and abused.
Starting point is 00:09:22 And then you just end up resenting people. And because you can't say anything negative out of your human mouth, that never gets flushed away. So you just like fill up on resentment. And that is not a very nice experience. But where that can lead to is it building up, building up, building up, you just snap in and never talking to that person again. So this highlights the importance, not just for you, but for others, around setting boundaries and being honest and having healthy conflict. Because the resentment doesn't build if it's all the time. That's it. You have to let a bit of gas out the tap.
Starting point is 00:09:57 Is that the expression? Yeah, pressure. Pressure. Pressure out the tap. Or else it explodes. So, yeah, tick again. Okay. Burning out from overgiving. I think I'm so much better. I wouldn't burn out from overgiving.
Starting point is 00:10:11 do burn out from working. But in terms of like going on long treks to look after friends, kids and going to do long meetings or I'm acting like somebody's therapist, I don't do any of that anymore. You burn out from overcommitting to yourself nowadays. Yeah, I've just moved it. Yeah. Putting everyone else's needs first. Nope.
Starting point is 00:10:32 Not anymore. Like I'm really trying to enter my selfish era. Sometimes I do still get the old pull. and I worry that putting myself first is going to hurt other people, but if it's really important to me, I will try and push through sometimes. Push through sometimes. Helping even when it harms you.
Starting point is 00:10:56 Again, I think I'm like a bit better at that now, but go back a couple of years ago, I would have dropped anything to help anyone, and it wouldn't matter whether it cost me money or time or energy. It was like I had a job, which was just to be a general helper of people in the world. And I could never say no to it. So I feel like you had four out of seven ticks there.
Starting point is 00:11:20 Okay. So like... I have still got some weak boundaries, but I'm making progress. Definitely. Let us know in the comments. How many you guys got. Okay. So on to part two, we're going to talk about some of the benefits of having strong boundaries
Starting point is 00:11:36 because moving from weak to strong is so difficult. and we are giving up a lot. We want to kind of tempt you to the other side by letting you know how awesome it can be. Some of these might actually strike a bit of a nerve. Not the first couple, but when we get into it, it might be like, oh, yeah, God, that's so true. But anyway, without further ado, less burnout and overwhelm.
Starting point is 00:12:01 I mean, who wouldn't want to be less overwhelmed and burnt out? I think especially neurodivergence, the highly sensitive. like you're at such high risk, this would be an awesome benefit. So more energy and focus. Again, who wouldn't want that? So by kind of bringing in this overgiving to every Tom Dick and Larry, Harry. Larry, Tom Dick and Larry. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:12:33 You bring back some of that energy for your own life and rest. I love it. That sounds wonderful. You specifically as well, and I'm sure loads of our listeners, like I've never known anyone with like quite a visible energy pot. When that's gone down, that's it. Like it's game over. So if you give it to other people, you can't do anything. You like the walking dead.
Starting point is 00:12:57 Yeah. Better relationships. And I suppose this can link back to a little bit around, you know, building resentment and stuff like that. But you will have a better relationship with someone if you have boundaries with them. I've got a better relationship with you now that I'm a bit more of a dick. So if you do something that annoys me, I'm not saying there's any right or wrong, but I'll be like, Bobby, that's done my head in. And then you'll be like, I need to go and take five minutes processing time.
Starting point is 00:13:28 And then you'll come back and go, I can see how that may have done that. I'm sorry. But it's a lot more out in the open, playful, that there's a little bit of anger and truth and vibes. I'm way less like, like this. I've got to be nice all the time. So I don't feel resentment towards you, which I did used to do. You could probably feel that sometimes because it like leaks out in passive aggression or just like being a bit disconnected. It's way better now. Yeah, definitely. This one might hit hard. More respect from others. Yeah. I mean, you say hit hard. I really.
Starting point is 00:14:08 agree with it, but it's incredibly difficult to face. I think I used to use kindness as a way to get respect. I'll be the nicest, kindest person and you will love me for it. The world is so brutal and it doesn't work like that. If you show up as the nicest, kindest person, you are going to get walked over. The reality is people will often not look at someone and go, oh, let's ask them, because they're the nicest person in the world. They'll, even if it's subconsciously, even if they're not proactively saying it, they'll be thinking, let's ask them, they're a pushover. They're a yes person.
Starting point is 00:14:49 So they'll do it, whatever. Let's give it to them. That's a rank way of being viewed. You think you're being viewed as nice. Other people see you as an easy target. And that gets you into very, very toxic dynamics at work, in relationships, in friendships. Yeah. Reduced resentment.
Starting point is 00:15:11 Yeah. You're saying it out loud. You're not going to the point of burnout. And also, let's not gloss over this because it's not like when you do say it, when you do say the thing, the sense of relief afterwards, it's like gone. There's no build up. And I guess that's what resentment means, but you immediately feel better. Oh, 100%. Finally, better mental health.
Starting point is 00:15:43 I mean, 100% because you're telling the truth, you're not burning out, you're living more fully and you just feel better. So I think I want all of those things. All of those things are awesome. Strong boundaries. Bring them on, baby. That's what I say. Right. Part three.
Starting point is 00:16:04 Why weak boundaries? feel like kindness. Oh dear. Oh yeah. So first one, this is about how you feel. So you feel like you're needed and valued. What by having no boundaries. Yes. Because people will call you up. They'll want your advice. They'll want to offload onto you. You'll be the first phone call. Like it feels good to be seen that way, like I'm the nicest person. I guess it can really easily turn into like codependent relationships, right, when you've got no boundaries, because it's, you're always needed about everything all the time. It's like it stunts people's independence.
Starting point is 00:16:54 Oh, God, that's just like far too close to home for so many situations in my past. It reduces fear of rejection. Yep. I think, you know, us ADHD is RSD, we don't want to be rejected. So you feel like if you just agree with the other person the whole time, never cause any problems. Always there when you need you. Be the nicest person alive. No one's ever going to reject you or leave you.
Starting point is 00:17:23 Well, it's not just that you don't want to be rejected. That is well documented that it causes quite significant distress at, like RSD and stuff. So it avoids that at, I guess, at all costs. At all costs, at the cost of your own wellbeing. Yeah. It creates identity. So you're always seen as the nice one. I mean, I used to be a self-identified nicest person in life.
Starting point is 00:17:50 Just so caring. I just care. I'm just taking this phone call. They're struggling. I'm just going to go and meet someone. I'm just going to go and help do that. Like, there was a sense of like I liked that. I liked being seen as the nicest person.
Starting point is 00:18:03 never like who wouldn't but yeah i suppose the challenge to it is are you being like we said in the in the last bit are you being seen as the nicest person ever or is that just how you think you're being seen just as an annoying push over yeah yeah that's out okay so it keeps relationships predictable so you always know what you're going to get they're going to ring you out ask for help you're going to give it well they're always going to come first they're always going to be happy there's never ever ever going to be a disagreement because I would never disagree with you or challenge you on anything
Starting point is 00:18:38 that never be a sort of a power struggle it's just like you always submit to the other person always wins and then there's never any chance of an argument but predictable yes predictable protects you from conflict there you go
Starting point is 00:18:56 you can never argue of anyone you're saying yes to all the time I suppose you know One thing, it does make me a bit sad all of this because this whole thing, how does somebody end up in this way? Like if you go back to the kid, it was probably a kid that was, maybe their anger or emotions were screamed out, shamed, shamed, maybe they were hit. Maybe they learnt from a young age that they didn't get to have needs. They had to be there for others. So like, all of these things about being petrified of conflict, it probably comes from quite a sad base.
Starting point is 00:19:33 Yeah. But I guess nobody ever said any of this was easy, right? And that's what we should. Well, I think we did say it. Starting to be good at creating boundaries is going to feel really difficult. It feels morally good. To be the nicest person alive. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:19:53 Feels amazing. Who wouldn't want to feel better than everybody else? And by the way, I realize what I sound like, but I'm now able to vocalize something I couldn't have done a couple of years ago because I would have been so defended against any part of me doing it to feel morally good. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:20:16 I was doing it because I genuinely am the nicest person alive. How dare you ever call out me and my high empathy? Yes, sure, there's high empathy, but there was also a little payoff. of being the nicest person, nicest friend, nicest parent in a dynamic, the nicest, the nicest, the nice. And the problem with you believing that you're in the, you're morally correct is that will create all sorts of boundaries for you to work on it, right? Because you're like, I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm morally superior.
Starting point is 00:20:52 So I've got nothing to fix. That's it. Yeah. It keeps peace. Yeah, I mean, peace is kind of a vibe and I do like the piece, but I guess you have to think of it like I now keep my piece and my internal piece, which sometimes means a tiny bit of like external, not even war, but like saying no thanks, can we do Wednesday? Peace is overrated and it's not true anyway. There might be a peaceful harmony between you and your codependent person you've not got any boundaries with. but the resentment building, the burnouts, all of that. That's not peaceful inside your body.
Starting point is 00:21:33 It's fake peace. Yeah. It's performative peace. Yeah. Right. Before the next one, let's have a word from our amazing sponsors. The Late Bloomers podcast is sponsored by the amazing loop earplugs, something that me and Rich wear.
Starting point is 00:21:53 All the time. Every day. Every day. And definitely whenever we leave the house. actually have our own website with loop earplugs that have got our favourite products and you guys get 20% off all of those and exciting news we've just added some more products so we had already the quiet the engage and the experience and we've now added the kids loops the young people loop earplugs which are amazing because they come in awesome colors this is like the
Starting point is 00:22:28 watermelon red with green and it's just so cute. So if you've got kiddies, you can now get 20% off earplugs. She says younger people. She's 41 and she wears them because she has incredibly small ears. I do wear the kiddie ones. Oh, I love the colours and I've got small ears. So yeah, small ear brigade. These are for you too. Right. Part four. Why setting boundaries feels oh my God, so uncomfortable. Oh, a juicy one. So firstly, it will create guilt and anxiety. I mean, I had to give some feedback on a song the other day.
Starting point is 00:23:12 And it's my song that I have written, that I have paid people to produce. And I had to give some feedback for something that I preferred. That there is nothing wrong with that at all. No. But I felt sick saying, I'm so sorry, I think I prefer it this way. I kind of disagreed with what they thought. My song, I've paid for it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:43 And I felt sick, anxious, overthinking. After I said it, I was like, oh my God, they're going to hate me. I need to take it back. Like, it's horrible. And I don't want to, like, sugarcoat this as you start to, like, move into setting more boundaries, it is going to feel horrible. Like it is really hard. This has made me really think this one specifically. And I don't even, I don't think we're going to have an answer to this. But it made me think if you meet someone for the first time
Starting point is 00:24:16 with good boundaries, that's going to be an easy relationship because they don't know you any other way. But what happens if you have, and you'll know this, and I don't think you have relationship with any of these people anymore, maybe for this reason. But what happens if you try and create boundaries with the people that you have maybe had no boundaries with for five years? Like that must be even harder for both parties, right? If all of a sudden, I'm phoning you up, you always say yes to help me and you're going, no, they're going to be like, whoa, what the hell is happening here? Yeah, I've had a lot of friendships end when I've gone through that change. But then also a lot of friendships have come with me like cat.
Starting point is 00:24:58 Yeah. You're with me for like two decades. I think in healthy relationships you grow together, you allow each other to change and adapt. It is in those like codependent. They're not healthy, are they, that dynamic? No, and that's probably where it feels harder, right? If you've had a relationship without boundaries
Starting point is 00:25:15 that you're now trying to introduce boundaries into, like that must feel harder for me and someone for the first time. Like people that meet me now would just think I'm normal. I don't think anyone that meets me now have like, rocks is so nice. That's normal, maybe a bit of a dick. And I like it that way. But obviously there are some people that know me for years. And we have had to go on a change.
Starting point is 00:25:38 Physical stress in the body. Yeah. I mean, thinking about saying no, letting someone down, hurting someone's feelings. Your heart goes fast. You actually have physical anxiety and not setting a boundary. and being submissive, like gets rid of it. Yeah. So, like, that's how difficult it is.
Starting point is 00:26:02 It's not just like a thought experiment. This is like your whole body is involved and you're going to go into like horrendous states. I'm so sorry, everyone. This one you didn't used to be able to cope with at all. Fear of being disliked or rejected. I mean. That's something you really used to struggle with, isn't it? if I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing,
Starting point is 00:26:28 seem selfish, choose myself, they're going to think I'm not a nice person. And my whole identity was kind of built around that. I took so much value. It was so important to me to be seen as incredibly nice and caring. I think we've talked about this on a previous episode, but used to have to be liked even by like unpleasant people, didn't you? Weirdly.
Starting point is 00:26:52 might even be more. But there's a certain type of character that really triggers me into like fawning behaviours, characters that remind me of people that have very, very much hurt me in the past. Panic after boundaries. Yeah, the minute you say no,
Starting point is 00:27:16 the minute you, I don't know, aren't the nicest person ever and people see that, you're going to want to, how many times I've done this, I've like stuck up for myself, being like, yay, go me, boundary. And then I'm like, I've made the wrong decision. I need to go back on it. They're going to hate me.
Starting point is 00:27:33 What can I do? It is just an absolute nightmare. But you have to, you have to trust yourself that you can sit with the discomfort. And actually, each time you survive afterwards, you teach yourself that you get to have boundaries and the world doesn't end. It's safe to have boundaries. even, and overthinking conversations. Yeah, so you set a boundary with someone.
Starting point is 00:27:59 And when I say boundary, I really don't like that we often say like set a boundary when someone's like, I'm setting a boundary. You're never going to say I'm setting a boundary. And like if you do, the conversation probably isn't going to go well. That's just like bringing therapy speak into relationships and it stops it from being real. what I mean is saying and doing things that put yourself first. So that might be, I don't want to do it that way, thanks. I'd like to do it this way.
Starting point is 00:28:30 Can we meet in the middle? It might be no sorry. I'm not available on Saturday. Yeah. That's what we're talking about. What you do, though, is with this overthinking conversations, you'll set out with this is what I'm going to say, but you won't, you can't sort of leave it at that.
Starting point is 00:28:47 You'll be like, well, what if they say this in your level? 20 different possible reactions and then what are you going to say to each one of those and then it just fans out. Yeah, you're desperately trying to control it from exploding. You're actually better to underthink. And just go with a flow, see what happens. Go in with what is real for you and see what happens. And finally, feeling selfish or like a bad person. Yeah. You put yourself first, you're going to feel like a horrendous person.
Starting point is 00:29:18 If you've been used to always submitting, always saying yes to others, always people pleasing, it is going to make you feel horrendous. Yeah, like the worst personal life. You'll go from nicest person alive to worst personal life. That is just your old people pleasing system trying to protect himself. We don't really like change, do we us, humans? No. It's just trying to get you back into people pleasing where you think you're safe, but you're not really.
Starting point is 00:29:46 So you've got to be brave. Yeah. And go forward with it. Last one? Oh, to me. So I thought you think your last one. Right. So part five is actually how do we start with building better boundaries?
Starting point is 00:30:04 Oh, and I guess the biggest caveat, it's not easy. These are all words that are going to be easy to say. It's less easy to do. So first one, pause before saying yes. Incredible. Like incredible. You get the text. Hi, yeah. Can you do this at the weekend? Can I call you right now? Your immediate reaction is going. Yeah, absolutely. Just give me a moment. Just take a minute. Take a breath. Take five minutes. There is very often like no emergency. You aren't the prime minister. It's okay if there's a few moments for your reply. So this is going to roll into number two And I'm not going to tell you what number two is Are we going to see if you're going to demonstrate it now
Starting point is 00:30:53 So you've taken a minute to pause You're in fact going to say no What are you going to write back? Hi there. I'm really so oh you've set me up in a bear trap there haven't you You bugger, right Is number two don't apologize? No, it's you short clear language
Starting point is 00:31:14 Right, this has been the biggest tip for me in being able to deliver this kind of stuff. And I have a hack that you don't know that I do. Go on. I'm going to know it now. Are you okay with me knowing it? W.W.R.D. What would Rich do? So if I am needing to send an email, a text or just deliver some bad news, I'm, oh, I can't possibly be a nicest person. I'm going to hate me. And I'm like anxiety bombing out. What would Rich do? No, thank you.
Starting point is 00:31:51 Not free. Is there another day? I bring it right back to basics. Maybe like adds a shicky emoji in there. I soften it a little bit more. But like you are my yardstick. Clear and direct. So you basically need to like find your inner rich or your inner autistic.
Starting point is 00:32:11 Yeah. And just channel that. And clear and direct will. not get you in trouble. So reply to that text message where you're saying no then with WWRD. Thanks for the offer. Not about tomorrow. Could do some time next week.
Starting point is 00:32:26 Let me know. Perfect. Don't over-explain stroke. Apologise. This is sort of linked to that one, right? Yeah, just don't fall in. If you find yourself writing long paragraphs, probably just delete it.
Starting point is 00:32:41 Like, nobody needs or wants your long. explanation, people just want to deal in truth and facts. We send it to ease our own anxiety and actually just giving the other person a burden, read my essay of why I feel like such a bad person. Like, no, no, sorry, we'll start. A toxic trait of mine is when I, this is at work, if somebody is trying to tell me something bad, negative, developmental, and it's four paragraphs long, I'm like, this is disingenuous. Like, why is this person not just saying it? I, I, it discredits the whole thing for me.
Starting point is 00:33:23 Well, you can feel if someone's, I don't know, not being real. Mm. And actually, the thing is, you are being real. If you're over-explaining and over-apologising, you're being real to you, but you have to realize that is, it is more about your own anxiety than the other person. So keep it clear, keep it kind.
Starting point is 00:33:45 Tell the truth. I think this is probably like the biggest hack ever. Yes, of course, not in every situation. Yes, sometimes telling the truth is unkind. There's some caveats. But pretty much, in your important relationships, if you want them to thrive and feel really good, tell people the truth.
Starting point is 00:34:07 That's about how you feel. That's about if they've upset you. Couldn't agree more. Leading into the next one. accept people's reactions. So I'm still struggling with this. I just get petrified. There's going to be huge arguments,
Starting point is 00:34:29 even with people like you or friends. I've known for a really long time. I get caught in these, like, toxic shame cycles of like desperately wanting to submit and thinking like if I don't, something horrendous is going to happen. Hello, trauma. which loads of people will be dealing with,
Starting point is 00:34:47 but you have to trust other people to bear the brunt of your own humanity and your ability to protect your own time and energy. It's okay. They're adults. They'll be okay. And if they do react horrendously, give them the old snip.
Starting point is 00:35:07 Last one. Understand that true kindness is an inside job. You can be kind and boundaries. I would actually like to change that last bit and say that like boundaries is kindness. Yeah. I think this is probably the most OMG moment. And for any of the listeners that are in that, but I am the nicest person in life.
Starting point is 00:35:30 That's just how I am. I love being nice and people deserve me to be nice. I was there too. I like I know, I know it. And you get so much from being nice and kind. but actually being kind means telling people the truth, being real in relationship, not performative, allowing people to see the sort of negative, nasty bits of you, because that gives them permission to do the same thing. Let the whole wonderful you, including all the bits you don't like it.
Starting point is 00:36:05 And that's the nicest thing to do. It's very confronting and difficult to accept, though. We sometimes refer to it, like embrace the darkness, isn't it? Embrace the dark side. Well, yeah, a lot of my therapy has been about that. Sort of like psychoanalytic therapy, which is all about your shadow self and the parts of you that have been repressed. So, and often your shadow is kind of equal and equivalent to what you show the world. So if you show up, as I used to do in the world, is the nether. nicest person alive, you can guarantee there is a huge river of resentment and hate and rage,
Starting point is 00:36:49 probably disavowed. But it's going to be there and you're going to feel it sometimes. It's going to leak out. And actually allowing a little bit of that in, he's really, really healthy. It's a tough job. But somebody's got to do it. Oh, you've got to do it. I've got to do it. That was boundaries, baby. I really, really hope they haven't upset anyone. And if I have triggered you at all, then please just know that I really didn't mean it. We'll be back next week. And hopefully it'll be there. And if you have loved it, subscribe, like, follow.
Starting point is 00:37:19 All of that, jazz. We will see you next week. See you next week. The Bell Air Direct app includes crash assist, which detects an accident the moment it happens, and even offers you emergency assistance at the tap of a button. Okay, but what if I don't have an accident? Well, just keep on, keeping on. Bell Air Direct, insurance, simplified.
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