LATE BLOOMERS - CHOREGASM: Why ADHD is killing your sex life (and how to fix it)

Episode Date: June 24, 2026

Rich and Rox are going there this week. If your sex life has taken a hit since an ADHD diagnosis, or you've always wondered why intimacy feels so much harder than it should. This one is for you.They're breaking down the four big reasons ADHD kills your sex life: the shame spiral that starts with a messy bedroom, the brain that never switches off, the energy that's completely gone by the end of the day, and the resentment that quietly builds between partners. And then they're giving you the four fixes that actually work.No toxic positivity. No generic relationship advice. Just Rich and Rox being honest about what's gone wrong for them and what's actually helped.Fair warning — it gets real. But it ends in a good place.20% off Loop Earplugs: https://www.loopearplugs.com/adhdlove

ADHD might be killing your sex life. Not only do we feel like we're failing at all of our domestic chores, but then we feel like we're failing at sex and intimacy as well. Today we are talking about the four big problems that come with ADHD and sex, and also the four big solutions. Welcome to late bloomers where we are getting our lives together. Eventually brought you by our amazing sponsor, Loop. Ear plugs. It's a sex episode. Do we need to say romance times throughout the episode? Or like not? No.

Like social media okay with sex? Yeah. I think so. We'll see. There's late bloomers. Look, it's always an interesting one to talk about. Funnily enough, when we've spoken about intimacy before, there's some of our most popular episodes.

So it obviously does come with a lot of shame, but also a lot of desire to know more about it. Yeah, definitely. It's something that we have struggled with. Yeah. And had so many combos about. Yeah. Oh, we're in a bit of a better place now.

We are. Long may it continue. We're going to share that bedroom wisdom. But I guess let's start with what goes wrong. Sure. So we're going to talk about the problems that ADHD can cause to block intimacy in a relationship and then we're going to come with the solutions. Okay, so I've got four problems.

Okay. And we've called this episode Chorgasm. I like that. Yeah, it's basically chores getting in the way of your pleasure. Yeah, okay. Okay, problem number one, it is the shame problem. Yeah. When you have ADHD,

your house and your bedroom can become a source of shame, not a place of pleasure. So I can look at the house and just see my constant failure as being an adult woman. Yeah. Constantly not living up to standards, constantly behind even the bedroom itself, clothes everywhere. We haven't changed the sheets in weeks. So rather than looking at some way, where I want to like relax and get funky,

I'm just seeing my own failure reflected back to me. And it makes me feel ashamed and actually feeling shame and feeling sexy, never, ever, ever go hand in hand. Yeah, I mean, shame, as we know, is probably one of the most powerful negative emotions that can impact probably every aspect of life, right? but if you think about some of the emotions that you would need to feel to enjoy romance time, you'd need to be confident, calm, all of those things that like literally shame as the opposite

effect of. So it would shatter your confidence like, yeah, I guess it must be tough. You're not going to start, you're not going to start the process. You're not going to feel like wanting to do it if you can't do the dishwasher. You can't even look at the bedroom or go into your bathroom because you're just confronted with your own failure. When you feel like you're failing all the time, there's just no way to access that fun, freedom flirtation that you're going to need. It's interesting though because, you know, it's a bit of a cliche, but obviously if you go

to a hotel or you're on holiday. often people will find it easier to access. But you can relate to that. A hundred percent. Yeah. Part of that is the kind of novelty seeking you're somewhere new. But I wonder if there's a huge element that like you're not being faced with the reminders of your failure.

You are somewhere else. So you're able to kind of access that part of yourself? Well, I guess as well that it like, it progresses into something bigger. So like it will start off with shame around chores and housework and adulting. and stuff like that. And then you're obviously not in the mood for it. And then you don't do it. And then it probably shame comes into,

oh, I'm not even doing that. Right. So you don't have sex because you're feeling ashamed about the state of your health. And then you start feeling shame about not having sex. So you are literally like walking shame on legs. No wonder your sex life isn't like rocking it for you. Yeah.

By the way, we're going to come up with the fixes in the second half. Oh yeah. We're bringing fixes. It's going to be a little down in the dumps, and then we're going to take you to Cloud 9. Okay, so the second problem is the brain problem. Hmm.

And this is that the ADHD brain never turns off. It is constantly going. It's why ADHD is can struggle to get to sleep, or if they wake up in the night, to get back to sleep, the minute your brain is switched on, you're thinking of a million things. And someone without ADHD, you might be able to finish the day's work and then relax. It just doesn't work like that. It's constantly going from the minute you wake up to the moment you go to bed, your brain is active.

And it might not only be with bad things. it might also be creativity, thinking about things, work for me, writing songs, daydreaming. But your brain is constantly getting in the way of like being present for like real world activities. Well, yeah, you've always said as well that your brain always takes you to the things that you're not meant to be doing. Like if you were, if this is the task, your brain would be like, no, this is more fun over here. So I guess if you linked in with the shame, if it's something that you feel you need to do,

your brain will be like, oh, let me research this holiday instead. Yeah, like the brain is almost like an avoidance mechanism, always jump into the thing it's trying to avoid. But effectively being like a walking undone to-do list is not a very sexy place to be. Yeah. Like if you're just like manically thinking about what you haven't done, what you need to do, your next business idea, how do you access yourself in that moment? And it does make me think about my history of like substance taking.

Yeah. And actually that was some of the only times my brain would be quiet. Yeah. I think so many ADHDs have probably done that, like use substances without even realized to like self-medicate the overactive brain. Well, this is like ADHD in a nutshell, right? even if I think about kids in school, it's like trouble concentrating. And this is the same thing.

We're talking about brain taking you away from what you're, or what you even want to concentrate. So this isn't like a always, oh, this is, this thing over here is more fun. So my brain's going to take me there. Even if you want to be doing it, your brain works against you and be like, no, I'm going to take you over here. And you're like, no, stay here. And you're like, no, I'm coming over here.

You're either coming with me or you're going to dissociate. That's it. And actually when it comes to sex, the majority of people in long-term relationships want to be having sex. They want that connection. They want that pleasure. And yet there's things getting in the way. Okay.

Problem number three is the energy problem. So ADHD, I really believe, is like. an energy disorder. You spend energy, too much energy on things that aren't meant to take up that much energy. And it just drains you. Often people kind of talk about it is the spoons that they've got and things like that. Waking up in the morning and getting out of bed, it's like you have this energy bar. Yeah. Immediately drained. You clean your teeth down. You take a shower down. You make breakfast

for yourself. You're almost out. So you have a really limited amount of energy. Now, if you're doing something, you're obsessed with something new, something novel, spending money, maybe you're travelling, there's a lot of novelty. It won't impact you. But we're talking about living at home and trying to have a happy sex life. You're draining your energy from like the moment you wake up and get out of bed and kind of join polite society. we're often also masking.

Anytime we leave the house or do a work phone call, we're dealing with executive dysfunction. So cleaning the kitchen might only be a five-minute task, but it can wipe you out. Like you see me after doing small cleans. Yeah. I have to go and sit down. I'm completely drained of energy.

It is something I've noticed. It's always mental toll that drains your energy rather than physical. Like if you go to CrossFit, by the way, which arguably is the most physical thing that we can do, you get energy. You also mention some of the creative, some of the things you love doing. That can be objectively quite like physical activities,

but they give you energy. So it's always like the mental toll, the things that you would potentially struggle with, like cleaning your teeth, showering, all of those things tidy in the kitchen. You haven't said one thing in that list that you enjoy doing because they give you energy. Isn't that so crazy?

What a core part of ADHD. Things you enjoy give you energy, things that you don't decrease your energy so quickly. They drain you. Even though it's a mental load. So cleaning the kitchen or doing emails, it's a mental barrier. The exhaustion is physical.

And I don't, it doesn't make sense. whereas doing CrossFit or going to play a big gig that should be physically draining actually becomes energising. I can really relate to that as well, though. I think when you're mentally done, it sort of manifests itself in the body.

It's like, all you want to do is just sit down and not talk to anyone. But with ADHD, your energy is drained by the demands of daily life. Just having to take care of basic needs, eats. walk the dog, not live in a complete pig stye. But this is why it could look strange in relationships if you've got an ADHD person and a non-ad ADHD person

because the stuff that drains your energy is stuff that can be considered easy, simple that people like do on autopilot that you have to really engage your brain and it depletes it. So like you could say I'm drained and somebody could be like, You haven't done anything. What are you talking about? I know. It's crazy, but that is such a core part of it.

So if your daily life, basic tasks are draining, and that's happening every day at home, we're often going to bed just knackered from basic tasks, overthinking, masking, showing up parenting, dog parenting, whatever. Like, there's nothing left in the tank. Do you know what I mean? I do, don't you mean.

Okay. And problem number four is the resentment problem between the partners. So I know that my, the way I deal with clothes in our bedroom causes an issue for you. I know that we've semi-round about it. It's been with us for six years. Like it's the one area like we haven't quite like. got through. Yeah.

And it brings this other element to your relationship that you're dealing with. So I know that you can feel unsupported because you do all of the laundry and then I'm leaving clothes out. It just feels like I'm making things harder. And even though you know I'm not doing it on purpose, it does feel like that. so you feel like alone. I can tell that, of course. I'm then like RSD queen,

feeling shamed, feeling criticized, feeling like I used to feel when I was a kid getting shame for stuff that I was trying to, like, not mess up. Yeah. So you end up with this like gap between you of resentment, almost like you resent me for,

being messy and I resent you for resenting me being messy and it's and it can just grow legs kind of and get in the way. It's really valid and actually I think a really important part and subject that we discuss because obviously we talk about a lot about your ADHD and how people work together and stuff like that but also the other person is also human and emotions valid and how they feel valid. So whether you're doing it on purpose or not doesn't always matter. Like it's still going to impact the other person in the relationship

and in turn impact how that other person feels about said ADHD person. So yeah, that one's big. So just that general resentment that is often there within an ADHD non-ADHD relationship will sort of drive a wedge. between intimacy because nobody then wants to flirt or make people feel special, have a kiss and a cuddle, those things that need to start things off.

Well, we've said, right, overtly, we can see and understand how and why ADHD could end relationships. So as part of that, this might be step one. Like some of the things that ADHD causes can first probably impact sex life and then ultimately could end up wrecking relationships. We've had so many people either comment or email us or stop us on the street and say, my marriage ended because of this and I didn't know. Yeah.

I didn't know he was ADHD. I blamed him. We argued. And I'd do it differently. And that breaks my heart because there is a way to get, fruit, there is a way to solve all of these problems. They never go away, but you become on the same team. Yep. And yeah, just the thought of like laundry, end in a marriage, I can see how it can happen, but it doesn't need to happen. And we are going to get to the solutions, but very quickly a word from

our sponsor. We are so happy here at Late Bloomers to be sponsored by one of our favorite brands out there, which is the amazing loop earplugs. There are loop earplugs for every occasion, whether you are taking a nap, going to a restaurant or even going to a loud rock concert. We have our own website, which shows all of our favourite products, different loop earplugs,

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So yes, I would like the fixes. Hopefully people have stayed for this bit. Otherwise, they haven't left. They would have just listened to the first half of the podcast and left in a depressive state. I'm never going to have sex again. Okay. So these are all quite simple.

They have to be simple. otherwise they wouldn't, wouldn't get done, but worth talking about. So first point around the shame is together really having that open conversation about you don't have to be perfect to deserve pleasure. So like part of this is, right, this shame thing. Oh, God. In any aspects of life, but certainly here, shame will lead you to believe that you're not deserving of pleasure or a healthy sex life or even happiness or success in work or success

in bloody partnerships whatever it is it will lead you to believe and damage your self-esteem and anyone with low self-esteem isn't going to be wanting to like leap into the bedroom God. It's so confronting because I think I'm getting better but I still struggle with it that I don't deserve pleasure because I'm not a good enough adult. Like pleasure has to be earned by achieving certain basic things. Yeah. Being on top of the cleaning or the finances or my own self-care. and if I haven't ticked all those boxes,

I don't get to access that place. Yeah. So it's weird. It's almost used as a punishment, like a self-punishment. Mm-hmm. Because I'm failing, because I'm awful,

because I'm a bad adult, I'm going to self-punish and exclude myself out of fun activities. Yeah. The other thing that you can do as part of this is, you know, we're talking about shame about housework and stuff like that. And if I'm not on top of everything,

then I don't deserve it. Well, with respect, you, I'll talk about you, but you could probably broadly say everyone with ADHD, you're never going to be on top of all of your housework. So maybe just pick, like, for us, it happens in the bedroom, right? We like, we don't like having sex in a bedroom that's really untidy. So make that a team activity. So there's no shame behind it.

It's like, let's work together. and clean this bedroom to do this bedroom. Make it like a central haven together. A bit of candles. A bit of aroma therapy going on. And that's what we do now.

And that has been like a real game changer. Like just having the bedroom nice and doing it together. So look, at the end of the day, you don't need to be on top of all your house to be on top of your partner. Sorry, I couldn't. Oh my God.

But listen, listen, I can now almost separate out all of the many ways of which I'm behind. And we can do a little clean of the bedroom together and then I can go and have a bath. And if that one room is like lovely and nice, it's like enough. It's enough to leave the shame at the door. And you have to practice. You have to try. You have to make an effort.

And you have to do it together. Well, you've picked up on a couple of things that segues perfectly into my. second fix. Oh, come on then. Which is the brain fix. Now, disclaimer, anyone who tries to fix quotation marks an ADHD brain will fail. Yeah. Nothing wrong with it. It's just different. Oh. But to help with this particular situation, what we found is having a clear transition between where you are now, where we want to be in a few minutes or an hour. I think it's more time.

Like for me, I need our couple of hours. Yeah. Transition time. Yeah. And some of the things that we do, that can be bath. It can be getting the room ready

between where it is. is now to where you want it to like look like it can even be like a walk so you wouldn't be able to get off a call for example or a meeting and then jump in the bed like it wouldn't it wouldn't happen you need to do something yeah to quiet the mind down first it's like this time stamp of like right time to stop thinking about all this rubbish and like get back into real life and you know people that do date nights that's what you're doing you're being like really intentional about time together, enjoyment and pleasure, don't always have time to do that

or finances or want to do that. So yeah, let's go for a walk at the end of the day. Talk things through, start having fun, like relax, get more present. A huge one for me is just a bath. Yeah. I can go and have a really long relaxing bath with candles. You know, I might be washing my hair

or like having a little full body shave up. You're sort of like bringing yourself back into the moment and away from your to-do list, your phone, your emails, like, oh. I've got a question about the bath actually because I know that it really works for you. But it's not just in this topic. So you will use a bath to transition into many things. So like the question that I've got is you will go to the bath to transition to romance time, but you'll also go to the bath to transition from getting out of bed to work time.

So like what activity in the bath do you do that's like different to prepare yourself for what's next? So it's just my safe space. If I've had a tough day on a bath, if I'm going to have a tough day before I go, I want to have a bath. Transitioning into intimacy bath, it's somewhere where I regulate. I can listen to podcasts. I can put music on. I'm drinking water, so I'm like hydrating. I've got candles.

It's like a sensory pleasure zone for me that can just really help me to move into the next thing. Yeah. I just, I love it so much. I always struggled so much with being on top of baths and showers. And then I made this bathroom like my perfect, it's only like a little room. It's a tiny bath. But I made it my perfect little room. Yeah.

And I just, I don't know. I just love it. And it's an important part of, yeah, our transition time into said activities. Surprisingly as well, it's the only room in the house that you don't struggle to keep tidy. Maybe it's not surprising. Okay. Next is energy. Now, this one is quite interesting because we've already talked about some of the things that deplete your energy.

And I guess quite simply, it's trying to avoid. those things if you want romance time or sex on the cards later that day. Now, I know, I know this is maybe an unsexy thing to say, but I'm autistic and I like planning things. I know you can't always plan this particular thing, but I like to. Like, I know spontaneity is something that's quite romantic and stuff. But what I do know is that if it's something that we're going to do that is going to bring you loads of energy and joy, that's probably a good day to like make the effort for romance time.

That's so true. If we've got a day of cleaning and filming, maybe avoid that day because you're going to be knackered at the end of the day. You're just want to scroll your phone and consume reels and social. media, but if it's a day that we're doing something fun, like, that's why going to a hotel is like, it's an instant tick because it's like, you're not going to be knackered, you're going to be excited and novelty, newness, clean room, it kind of ticks all the boxes. I love that. It's almost like looking at your ADHD partner, not in terms of how much time they've got, but how much

energy they've got. And like, what have they done that day? And, obviously, obviously I can take control over my day and being like all of this is going to drain me or what can I do to like regenerate some energy doing something fun or as simple as a walk reading your favourite book like what are you giggling at? It's making me smile. I didn't I didn't think about this but it's just popped into my head like you know I sometimes will negotiate with you in like do you want to do the dishwasher or the laundry and I know that's a bit of a hack for you.

You saying you could take control. I'd be like, well, that we need to do the washing and stuff. And you'd be like, well, here's a proposition for you. You do that and we'll have a bit of sexy time later. I'll be all over the laundry. Is that a trade I can make? Absolutely. By the way, I feel like, you know, disclaimer,

we're not advising. Using it as a currency. Using it as a currency. However, that's... In a happy consenting marriage. I didn't know I could do that. Cool. So I like never have to...

Cool. Yeah. So we're going back to the point in hand, we're talking about preserving your energy. So if you can take control over that, then you will have far more chance of it going well. Yeah. I love that.

Right. Resentment, the resentment fix. So you talked about your clothes is a good example, and it is something that causes friction with us. And this is the same messaging that we have given everyone all of the time about ADHD, about living with ADHD in any aspects of life. And this is just a mindset shift. So does Roxx's clothes on the floor piss me off? Yes. It absolutely does and I'm allowed to be annoyed.

Now, the difference is I'm not a lot, I'm not annoyed at rocks as a human being. I'm annoyed about her ADHD and so is she. Like we're both annoyed, which puts us on the same team. So although I'm annoyed and it sometimes maybe can fester at being against you, more often than not, it won't be an eye roll or a shout or a nag or whatever negative way you want to put it. It will be like, babe, this is how it's making me feel.

Can we work together to do it? And we always do. Like, always. And this is so important to say, helping your ADHD partner with the laundry or with the cleaning is sexy to them. Because they're being seen, they're being helped, they're being supportive. I know folding socks doesn't sound sexy, but truly it is. We're so used to being shamed, judged, seen as lazy or making an excuse that when another human being sees you as struggling genuinely and offers to come and help you, it is like

such an act of love and intimacy that it breeds connection. Yeah. Just like slightly odd thinking because you don't think about that as like an intimacy act or a foreplay. But it is because it's seeing someone as a whole human being. It's believing them that they really are struggling. It's then helping them. So like the way that you treat me, of course sometimes I piss you off. That's going to happen.

You do to me, of course. but on the whole, the majority of the time, we treat every problem in our relationship is something to tackle together. It's not you versus me, it's you and me versus the problem, let's say the laundry or the cleaning. And doing it together makes you bond as a team, which makes intimacy easier.

Yeah. And I think what's important that you said It's about seeing the struggles of the person with ADHD and working together. It's not helping them isn't translated to do it all for them because that will only further exacerbate resentment. It's about, hey, this is really annoying me. I know you find it difficult. How can I help? And that could be body doubling.

That could be all sorts of different ways. what it isn't is just doing it for them because they struggle. Because no matter how understanding you are, that will only build the resentment up more. Yeah. And that's not a healthy adult dynamic. And also if you're thinking of treating kids the same way, then the kid never learns. Like it's about recognizing someone struggling and then helping them to do it. And that sometimes is as simple as you sit in with me while we fold so.

Yeah. But it means a hell of a lot to me when that happens. Or it's listening to your latest business idea whilst you fold the laundry, like giving you that space to chat through your next idea whilst pairing socks. And all of a sudden it's like you've done this whole thing and you're like, wow, I didn't even realise I was doing it. So, yeah, those are the ways ADHD gets in the way. And I think it's so important we talk about it.

because take someone that doesn't know or doesn't think about this stuff, their normal day is feeling ashamed that the house is messing, they're not living up to standards. They're feeling drained of energy because they're masking, they've got an endless to-do list, they're never on top of it, they're constantly thinking. What's the third one? The brain is always on the go, never stopping, never giving the,

a moment to be in their body. And there's probably a secret resentment between them and their partner. All lead into like, I'm broken. All leading to life is rubbish. I'm broken. I'm knackered. I'm not sexy. Guess what? You ain't going to have a rock in sex life. But you put all of these on the table. You talk about all of these things. You know, ultimately, this is about self-compassion, transition times asking for help supporting each other and it just it changes the game doesn't it it does it changes the game thanks so much i love a man that can talk about sexual intimacy there you well done you well done us and you're doing all the laundry later this has been the late bloomer's podcast we hope you've enjoyed it if you have give us a like

a follow a subscribe and all that jazz and as ever we will see you next week.