LATE BLOOMERS - DIAGNOSIS AFTERSHOCK: The 5 stages you go through after an autism or ADHD diagnosis

Episode Date: January 21, 2026

In this episode of LATE BLOOMERS, Rich and Rox talk honestly about what actually happens after you’re diagnosed autistic or ADHD. The relief. The grief. The anger. The validation. The spiral. The moments where your entire past suddenly makes sense — and the moments where that realisation hurts like hell.They walk through the five emotional stages many people experience after a late diagnosis, from the initial shock of finding out, to replaying your childhood with new eyes, to questioning your identity, relationships, and every label you’ve ever been given. This is about the unmasking that follows, the confusion of not knowing who you are without survival mode, and the slow process of learning to meet yourself with compassion instead of shame.This episode is for anyone who thought a diagnosis would bring instant peace — and instead found themselves grieving, reprocessing, and rebuilding. If you’re somewhere in the aftershock, this conversation will help you feel less alone and a little more grounded in what comes next.

Have you just been diagnosed with ADHD or autism and you are going through an identity crisis? Don't worry, we have got you covered. We're going to take you through the five stages that you will go through after receiving a late diagnosis. From two people that have been there, welcome to late blooms where we are getting our lives together. A little bit late but eventually. Okay, so late diagnosis. How old were you? 36. And I was 40. So both late.

Me later. Must be the first time you've ever been later than me for anything. Yeah. And I'm newer as well, aren't I? You are. So I'm interested to see where you are on your five stages of late diagnosis. Yeah. Let's find out.

Let's get into it. Stage one is absolute confusion. What confusion meaning you actually aren't broken? Yeah. And you always thought you were? Yeah. We're not only broken. If you are late diagnosed, I'll speak from the ADHD perspective.

You have lived with crippling self-hatred and self-beliefs that sound like I am lazy. I am useless. I'm a let down. I've got terrible attention to detail. I quit everything I start. I'm a horrible friend. I'm unreliable. just a nasty laundry list of terrible things that you say to yourself on a daily basis.

And you believe they're 100% correct. Yeah, well, it's the basic thing. And from knowing you, like even not really being able to keep a tidy house or make your bed, you were like, well, there must be something wrong with me then because everyone else in the world is able to do this with relative ease. And there is something wrong with you. Yeah. It just happens to be ADHD, not a huge moral failing. Yeah.

So it is so confusing because it rocks the core identity that you've always had about yourself your whole life. So it is a massive shock. I think the kind of silver lining in all of that confusion is it gives you a lifeline for the first time ever. which is I may not be to blame. I may not be the world's most useless adult human. Yeah, I can't, I can imagine lifeline is a good way of putting it because it definitely isn't going to change the way you feel overnight. Like you're not going to all of a sudden get the diagnosis and be like,

oh, right, cool. So none of that what I thought about myself is true. You're still going to have a hangover of thinking those things about you. It's the start of a really long journey. I think, look, when we're talking about the five stages that you're going to go through, this is probably going to take people years to kind of get to the end point, which is actually a really good, really happy place. What about you?

What was your kind of, oh my God, I'm not broken? Mine was obviously like I'm not a lazy, useless loser. Yeah, well, my confusion is very real, but it's very different. or I didn't have the same level of sort of hatred or self-criticizing that you did. There are some things in my life that sort of don't make sense to me that did make sense to me before my diagnosis. So like I used to drink alcohol every day. I honestly believe that that was completely trauma-related.

Now I'm sort of struggling with the idea of like, oh, I've read so much already since I've been diagnosed about autistic people and their relationship without. alcohol because you feel less autistic. I'm like, has that got something to do with it? It's like, yeah, it's quite, so it is quite confusing. The other sort of funny thing was, I always just thought I was rude. I just thought I was a bit like blunt, bit direct. I can imagine people frustrate me.

But it never used to bother me. I was like, well, it's me. Don't you mean, if you don't like me, don't like me. But now it's like, oh, maybe, maybe I'm not, like, rude. I just have an innate need for accuracy and I'm not correcting the person because I want them to feel bad. I just want accuracy.

And yeah, like so yeah, it is confusing, but it is confusing for me, but definitely not. I'm not coming from a place of I hate myself. So mine's very much like, oh my God,

I'm not broken. And yours is like, oh my God, I'm not actually rude. I'm not actually rude. And like maybe I make a little bit more. sense now. Of course. Like. Of course. Okay. Stage two is permission. Oh, that's so real.

AKA I don't need to pretend anymore. Yeah. Like this. Like after the confusion swamp, this next one is so tough to walk through. It's both beautiful and horrific at the same time. it's when you realize you have been pretending to be normal your entire life. Like that is a devastating realisation, right? Like I've, like, weren't you guys all pretending to be human? No, they were just doing it. It came quite naturally.

You shouldn't have to feel like you are competing for an Oscar to pretend to be a typical person. But that's what we all do. everybody desperately wants to look normal. So for me, that came with a desperation to be seen as clean and tidy. Yeah. Organised, someone that was reliable, someone that wouldn't be late. And you are just swimming up tide your whole life.

You're playing against yourself. And in that moment when you get diagnosed, it's like, so I don't have I don't have to wear this mask that by the way is so heavy. Like for me to pretend to be really clean and organised is a full-time job. And even then I still don't get it right. So it's like this freedom that says you don't have to pretend to be for me super tidy, super organized, super good with details. that's okay. You get to see that in the kind of severe of your ADHD, but it is so

destabilizing because it's like if I'm not pretending to be a normal human, what am I? Like, what am I? Who am I? Yeah. Something really strange has happened to me in this, this one, specifically for me, because I think that we thought I was autistic before I got diagnosed. So like sensory issues, crowded spaces, plans changing, there was a lot of that accommodated for. So I thought to myself when I was diagnosed, nothing's really going to change. But it really has.

And it's, and it's, and I think it's on a subconscious level because I'm not making these choices, but this, I don't need to pretend anymore. I'm more autistic since I've been diagnosed with autism. And it's not a choice. Like, it's, look, even, little things like I went to do the washing up the other day and like the food collector thing was full of like gross food and for 20 years I just picked that up and put it in the bin

but like I picked it up and I was immediately like oh my god grossed out over like overwhelmed and I'm like that isn't a choice I'm here by myself no one else is around me I need that in the bin why the hell is this happening to me whoa it's really strange regression I think they call it Regression almost sounds slightly negative, permission, unmasking. It's like you, who you really are underneath that mask of I'm fine and alpha male that you wore for so long, out comes all these little kind of neurodivergent. Somebody who's scared of the plug. That's who comes out.

The food plug. It's fine. You get to be. Get out of the plug. You get to be. There's also, though, with permission. although it's like incredibly destabilising to your entire identity about who you are, there's also a big relief.

Like you, it's almost like a physical exhale and your shoulders drop because the game is over or is it just beginning. Stage three support. AKA, wait, I'm allowed to ask for help. No, surely you have to live life. on my own. Deal with all my problems on my own, inside my own head, pretend to everybody else that I'm fine, and never get help because it's all my own fault and I deserve to feel terrible. Yes, you realize, not only are you allowed to ask for help, but that you should be, that you

deserve it and the people that love you want to get to know you and want to support you in those areas, oh my God, when I go back to the early days, this was so hard to me. I was so used to desperately hiding. So if I'd lose stuff, I wouldn't tell people. I was living in a pig's die. I'd clean up before people came round. Look, I just, I desperately wanted to be seen as functional adult. I was really far away from that. When we got together, I was constantly losing stuff. Phones, keys, wallets. And I remember my, the shame of like losing my wallet again, the memory that comes to mind is when I met you in Brighton. I left my wallet on the train. And I just had a full on panic attack. It started crying. And I was kind of letting you in to my world

of like, I'm so sad and I'm so confused and I hate myself. I've lost my wallet. I don't know what to do. I'm useless. And allowing you to, like, be there for me. But that voice in the back of my head was like, don't show someone this. Nobody wants to see this. Like, you absolute baby, deal with it. Like, it's this push and pull between I want to be seen and I want to ask for help, but also nobody wants a burden.

That is so different now. Yeah. If I lose something, it's like, babe, I've lost something. And you'll be like, need help with a phone call to boots? And it's either like, no, they've got a WhatsApp or an email or yes, please. Yeah. Like, and that's taken years. Learning the language of asking for help is a whole new thing when I'm like,

I'm emotionally dysregulated or I'm running late or I'm overwhelmed or I think I might be burning out yet again and telling you and allowing that support, it's just the most wonderful thing. You're definitely, I mean, you've got four years on me for a diagnosis or five years. your further along than I'm not even at the start line on this one yet I don't think like I would advocate I know everything you're saying agree with every word that you're saying I would advocate for others to ask for health and help and accommodation at work and all of that sort of stuff and help from your partner family parents loved ones but I'm not there yet like but I don't even know

what that would look like let alone am I not there yet because I think I would be okay with you like I will communicate with you. And I've been practicing that for years about loud noises and being overstimulated and verbalising when plans change, how I'm feeling and stuff like that and needing emotional support. I didn't, I wouldn't know what to do. If I started feeling like that in a meeting environment, I wouldn't feel brave enough yet to be like, guys, I need to go for what,

I would just like power through it. I mean, I don't think you're not doing. badly at all by the way. And I think that asking for support and letting people in, the most important place to do that is the people you live with. It's your family. And you do do that really, really well with me and actually a bit with sear. And it will sound like, I need some time to go and process this.

I can't react emotionally right now. I need to go and sit in the room for 10 minutes. Or it will be, guys, you are changing the plan. I'm feeling really anxious. Can we put it out on the table? Or it will be, we said we were going to bed. And now you guys are talking. I'm really confused.

What's going on? You're verbalising loads more of your internal world. That's what it is. It's verbalising. Well, I think as well, I've got a belief. I don't know whether this is going to be popular or unpopular. You know, unmasking at home is beautiful. but I also believe that masking at work when necessary is really important as well.

Like if we were doing a presentation and all of a sudden I left, like there's you just, the things that make you overstimulate too many people, too many meetings, I know I'm going to be masking for that hour, so I'll just be really tired after. That's not a place. I think at work is where we can use the mask. build resilience, push through. Everybody does that at work. There's a whole language of work and a way of being

and you learn it in your particular industry and you perform it. It's at home. You must be able to come home, be who you are, receive support, be loved, be able to vocalise. And look, I think the language is a huge thing. I never ever knew any of the world.

that I use all the time now, you are going to have to learn your kind of autistic version of what I've been through, like my dysregulated, lost a wallet, panic attack, running late and I'm sweating, like all this stuff, you're going to learn everything that affects you deeply and kind of put that into the language of the family. And like you are doing it and you don't need to rush through it.

You lived a whole life as like a very straight-talking alpha male bloke who believed I think you needed to get on with things alone. Yeah. In terms of family help, that's really tough because my hope would be for listeners that they've got parents that would be so interested and like, oh my gosh, we didn't know. can we have a convoy? What does that mean? I can't speak to that at all because my mum's not here. My dad doesn't think ADHD is real. And you, I don't know, you haven't really spoken to your parents. No, I've not spoken to them. I mean, it's only just really happened. So maybe we'll see.

Yeah, it's tough. It's tough. Okay. Stage four is developing self-trust. So, aka, okay, I can be successful my way. There you go. So I was not very successful in my 20s. I drank a lot, took a lot of substances, had far too many jobs, far too many partners, far too many addresses, most of them, unregistered. and my full-time job really was pretending to be normal. All of my energy went to covering up behaviours that I thought were too shameful to ever be seen.

So I didn't have a lot of energy to actually develop some of my skills, like I messed about in music and I did do some singing and I had a little brief graphics design job and I worked in a bank for a bit like, I tried so many different things. But my main thing was pretending. When you realize that you have ADHD and you get the support that you need

and you start unmasking, actually what you'll learn is that you aren't going to become neurotypical. No matter how hard you try. you're going to get supported where you struggle and that will allow you to double down on things that you're really good at that you've probably missed such a huge part of the ADHD experience

is having low self-esteem. Yeah. Because you just feel like a failure. You're never going to make your dreams come true with like really low self-esteem. You've got to start finding some self-belief in there. And I think when you are supported in your neurodivergence, you can lean into that creativity, that artistic project,

that research-driven brain, like whatever it is that's your thing, you get to focus on that. And like, for me, success was always, you know, there's like bros, those like grind bros, wake up at 4 a.m., be in the 5 a.m., go to the gym. smash down four coffees, take this. That's what I thought success was to be,

have a great job, to be financially free. And what I've realized is you can lay in bed loads and be successful. You could wake up at 9.45 and be successful. You could work in short bursts and then have a few days off and be successful. You get to realize that success isn't one way. Yeah. Isn't one thing. it's not defined by

neurotypical people and you get to make a like really weird, wonky path to success. Well, on that note, like my definition of success is probably different to yours as well. It's almost like we've got two different neurodivergentcies

because I, my particular flavour of autism that I've got didn't prevent me from being professionally successful. I was in a really good job 20 years in the same bank got to quite a senior level but I hated it

like I hated it there was loads of masks in loads of bullies loads of egos it was just you can imagine right like my sense of justice even with the tiny team that we've got like imagine just full of bosses that are just power hungry But anyway, so yeah, my definition of success is probably more on the emotional side because I was really stunted there.

And that is easy for me to say with a job that's doing quite well. But I always had that. And now I'm doing something completely different. But I am so much happier. Wow. So your success for you is what more emotions with me and the kids. Just to put it really simply, just like a higher baseline of like calmness and happiness. Right.

That's probably it in a nutshell. I think as well, some of your autistic traits that we've giggled at, you are super, super, super talented with maths. Patterns, I would say. Bit of a cliche. Come on. Yeah. So you will find mistakes in our accountants work.

Everywhere. Find mistakes everywhere. It's like you can see it. I don't know what you're looking at, but it's like you can see these patterns. That's wrong. That particular percentage hasn't worked out. You're doing it all in your head.

It's every time. Every time we're dealing with numbers, you'll find these mistakes that most people don't. And you found a way to use that. Like you always did. You worked in banks. You were always around kind of numbers and maths. But now as an entrepreneur.

Not as much as you think. That's a bit of a... Is it? Everyone, everyone, even at school level, please, Mr. Bank Manager, can I have a modern apprenticeship in the bank because I'm really good at maths? Cool.

You won't be using any of it here. Right. But you do use it now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you're always looking at how many members in our dub club or dubby subscriptions or, I don't know, like end of year accounts, whatever it is like you know every number, every percent, what's happening. So, incredible and it's so helpful.

So you found a way to take that like autistic trait of obsessional pattern spotting for you and apply it to work in the coolest way. And for me, it's like my unbridled. obsessional creativity is fully part of what we do. So yeah, you get to find your areas where you excel and just double down on those. And they're real. I completely agree. The one thing on that, though, like to the point that you made the first, where I will spot errors in pretty much everything,

that feels me, I've said it to you before. It feels me of absolute terror and dread that the whole world, in my mind, that means the whole world. is just being run by people that are inaccurate. Like everything's wrong everywhere. That's how I feel, because every time I get sent something, I find mistakes in it. Does that mean just everything's not right?

Yeah, a little bit. Oh, man, I can't even handle that. But you're operating at a really different level. It'd be like an Oxford graduate in English literature reading things, just normal things that are written and be like, there's grammatical errors everywhere. and it's like tiny things that most people wouldn't spot. You're like that level of maths and patterns.

It must be tough. When you're that level, I don't know what that's like. I don't know. I've never known anything different. And look, the whole point about this stage four is when you double down on your areas that you're naturally good at, you start to build that self-trust. You start to build that self-esteem.

And it's just a way better use of time than trying to turn yourself. normal, whatever that is. Right on to stage five, which is our final stage, which is fulfilment. A.k.a. I can have a beautiful life. Oh yeah, baby. There you go. And you really, really can. I don't think I ever would have believed in my 20s or early 30s. I would ever have the life we have now. And that isn't just being idiots on the internet running podcasts and writing books. It's being calm and happy, not having that enemy in my head constantly. It's not being like anxious, hating myself, letting everyone down. Like, and my ADHD hasn't changed. I'm as useless. I'm using

that word like in a jockey way, I'm as useless today as I was then. I just treat the thing differently. I don't try and beat it out of myself. I'm kind to it. I support it. I ask for help. I don't expect myself to be neurotypical. And I go and have so much fun with family and friends and work and creativity. And it's just so cool that you can go from absolutely hating yourself what I would have called the dregs of society in terms of my life choices to something that's just peaceful and beautiful. Go on, what are you giggling at? Why are you giggling?

I was just in my head playing out what I was going to say. And you said that you, in a jokey way, you're as useless as you ever been. I would say I'm as rude as I ever have been. But I can forgive myself. And actually, more importantly, with people knowing now that I'm autistic, they're like, Oh, right. He's not like picking on me. He's just, that's the way he is. So like maybe it makes them feel a bit better as well. I would say, you're just about to say more rude?

Through. Oh my God. Through the eyes of like a normal person who was using kind of normal societal standards. I'm picking my words very careful here. Yes, you would be in the last. last few months, more rude. Careful, babe. Like, the internet thinks I'm the nicest person in the world. You are.

Hey, you are the nicest person in the world to me. Yeah, that's pretty much. And see it as well. That's always sick. And Lily. Yeah. That's always sick. No, but I don't think it's rude.

I would now, what I used to see is rudeness I now think of as you being direct. So you're more direct. On a call. I don't want to know how the weekends are. Thank you. I don't like small talk. Can we talk about work? Lovely.

Direct. Actually saves us all five minutes of weirdness. But what I'm so excited about for you, because looking at the kind of five stages, like I've come through pretty much all of this. Yeah. And I'm at the fulfillment level. I am so happy.

I'm so known. I'm so myself. I don't have any shame about my ADHD behaviours. I know all the bloody lingo. It's really supported. We've written books. Life's brilliant. I love work.

I love family. Like it's, thank God, never thought I would have got here. The only shame you're feeling is the fact that I was autistic. You said, you've thought back and you're like, oh my God,

I told him off. I had a go at him and that. I said he needed to smile more. I said he needed to be more social. I'm like, oh my God. But what makes me excited when you were going through these stages, you were like, I don't even know if I'm in the support properly, stage three. So you are going to get so much more support from me, from other people.

You're going to learn the language. You're going to get to know you so much better. The self-trust, I think that you already have that in terms of work, but you kind of said success was your emotional life. You're going to go deeper into what your emotional life is, like, I'm so excited for that. And then, yeah, stage five, what your fulfillment is going to be like. Yeah.

Because, like, you're just getting to know yourself through this other lens. And I, yeah, where's it going to end up? Like, where is your most fulfilled iteration? It might be never leaving the house playing Codmo, doing maths. I don't know. I don't even think the most fulfilled would ever be never leaving the house. No, I'm like joking. but what do you think if you were going to, we can come back to this episode in five years.

Let's see what happens. This is just the start. I don't think I need to know. You didn't know at the start, did you? So let's see. Have you enjoyed this episode? I have to. I do need to get off this chair though because my leg is completely numb and I need to move it.

Asking for support. You are moving through stage three. Guys, this has been the late blue. podcast where we have spoken to you about the five stages of having a light diagnosis we hope light not light definitely not light not the false not the light version autistic light the expanded pack we hope it's been helpful if it has give us a like a share a comment a review all of those things that you can do and we really hope to see you next week