LATE BLOOMERS - FALLING IN LOVE: Farting, freaking out, and finding your person

Episode Date: January 22, 2025

Falling in love isn’t all butterflies and romance—it’s awkward, messy, and sometimes downright hilarious. In this episode, Rox and Rich get real about the unspoken struggles of new relationships, from the anxiety of those early days to the dreaded moment you finally let one slip. Rox opens up about how anxious she was when they first met—so much so that she couldn’t even be in the same room as Rich—while Rich shares his experience with anxious attachment and, of course, the belly aches that come with holding everything in (literally). From silent farts to full-blown panic, this episode dives into the reality of love beyond the fairytales, proving that even the messiest beginnings can lead to something beautiful.

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Welcome to the Late Bloomers podcast where we are getting our lives together eventually. What is on the menu today? We are going to be talking about why falling in love is horrible. Also known as holding in farts. Holding in farts. So essentially this is going to be about how we met and fell in love and how difficult it was. And I honestly think that the world lies to people so much about what falling in love

is meant to be like. I blame movies. I blame movies. Like you never see one like somebody ripping a massive long fart. They don't massive long fart. They don't rip long fart. You've got to start there, like the fart thing. Because it affected both of us, didn't it, at the start of our relationship for different

reasons. Start with the fart. Okay, so if you tell your fart experience, then I'll tell mine. So over to you. I think I'm going to remember this particular experience for the rest of my life. So it was our first night together, the way we spent overnight and I won't go into all the gory details. But yeah, we spent, we were at a friend's house on their sofa all night doing our business and I don't know how else to say it. I obviously couldn't fart. Can you imagine? Just ripping one out.

It was like very passionate, like falling in love. A fart wouldn't have really fitted that situation. No, we were like recreating our own movie scene, obviously, first night together, and under the illusion that that's what life was going to be. But anyway, because I held it in all night, I can't explain the pain, like the pain that I was in the next morning. I obviously left the sofa where we were sleeping, went to the toilet and just let it out. But obviously I needed to try and let it out silently. You didn't though.

Did you hear it? Yeah. Oh no. Did I not tell you that? No, I don't think so. But I thought it was going to like never end. I thought. Yeah, it was like a loud rumble from the guts of Hades. It just came up. But the funny thing is, I was obviously laying in bed all like, oh, and I had to pretend I didn't hear it.

It's funny, you have to pretend you don't see the other one's humanity. I don't know why. It was that, that is my story. And it didn't take me long after that I don't think to just you probably the next time I stayed over at yours. Yeah, it just it has to happen. It was like by the way, I've obviously never given birth to a child or anything. What are you about to say?

No, but I'm just I'm just saying no, no, no, I'm not going to say that. But my from my knowledge of pain, it was the most uncomfortable I've ever been. Yeah, I don't. No, I'm not going to say that, but from my knowledge of pain, it was the most uncomfortable I've ever been. Yeah, I don't think it would be on a level with- No, I don't think so, but like- Apparently that is on a level with pushing a watermelon out of your bumhole. Right, well, how would it, right, how does anyone know that?

Right, so for somebody to go, oh, it's going to be the same pain as pushing a- So they would have needed to push a watermelon up themselves and then back out. I guess it's more like if you think about the size of the cervix and the size of the sphincter. Yeah. A human head and a watermelon are quite similar. So it's a way for you to sort of engage. It's not the same as having a bit of trapped wind is what I'm saying. Look at how far we've come from not farting. Now we're talking about watermelons and sphincters. Talking about trapped wind though. Yours was- On my fart story. Yeah, probably better than mine, I would say.

Yeah. Well, more traumatic, I think. So mine is in a couple of parts as I remember it. So the first thing was obviously first nights together, I had to hold in farts too. So I was in the same situation as you trying to come across as like super hot, sexy, vibing, like you can't, like you just can't fart in that situation. So I was holding them in all day and all night. Like I wouldn't even fart in your bathroom because I'd be scared that you would hear. So my situation was like, I'm just not going to fart at all. Ever again. I'm just going to give up farting for this man. So what happened? I'd have all this trap wind, but obviously when I was asleep, I couldn't

execute the control to hold it in. So during the middle of the night or in the early morning, I would wake up because I was doing the loudest, nastiest fart like ever. So it would wake me up. I'd think, oh my God, what's happening? I'd realise I was farting. So loud I'd wake myself up and I'd sort of look over to you, but like moving so slowly because I wouldn't want it to wake you up to try and see whether it had woken you up and I think a couple of times you slept through it or...

Just pretended like I was sleeping through it. Did you pretend? Yeah, I do remember once though I didn't. I don't remember you moving really slowly. I remember you being quite startled by your own flatulence and then just sort of staring, looking around, looking for the intruder that you'd mistaken for your fart and just looking like a meerkat. My fart was so loud, I thought someone had broken in. That's impressive. And then the realisation when you know that it was your own. But what you're saying is you a couple of times pretended to be asleep. Yeah, because what am I going to do? Wake up and go, did you just fart?

We weren't at that stage. Now I would. It's again, it's pretending the other person isn't human. Like you have to deny even witnessing their humanity. Yeah. It's so weird and so strange. So obviously that was traumatic for me having to hold in farts and then waking myself up every morning with the shock of it. Yeah. But it got even worse.

It did not about farts, but I remember. Sort of about farts, it's related to farts. Okay, go on. I don't know if you remember this. So we would have been together a few weeks. So I'm still holding in the farts and I'm suffering big time with belly pain, trap wind, thinking I've got a food allergy. Maybe I'm gluten intolerant. I'm holding him fast mate. And then one evening we were going to do the thing that new couples do. That new couples do.

I do remember this. And I was in so much pain. Yeah. That I couldn't do it. Yeah. So I had to basically say, I can't, like, I'm having too much belly pain. And then I had to like open up about the fact that I was holding in farts. That's why I couldn't have romance time.

And then I started crying. I do, yeah. Remember. romance time and then I started crying. I do, yeah, remember. And became convinced that you were going to leave me because I couldn't put out and because I couldn't hold my farts in. Yeah, of course none of that happened, but I remember it quite vividly. You just, I think you started crying first and then I was like, what's the matter? And you were like, I can't have naughty time or romance time, whatever. Don't play naughty sign.

I didn't want to say that on the podcast. Because of my trapped wind and I'm scared that you're going to leave me now. And I was like, it's all good. I'll watch Marvel on telly and drift off to bed. Like there's no problems here. But at that time, I was putting so much pressure on myself to be perfect because I had messed up so many relationships in the past. Probably not by farting though.

No, never by farting. It was normally the drink and drugs and cheating that did it. But I was so high anxiety, needing to be perfect and attractive in your eyes that I just, I couldn't cope with my own humanity. Which I think is quite funny if you think about where we were when we met. Just as a brief introduction, obviously we've gone straight into the farts, but there was a story before that. So when I met you, I was, yes, 18 months sober from drugs and alcohol, but also not many people know I was 18 months celibate. I had actually put myself on the bench from dating, relationships, any sort of nocturnal activities. So it had been 18 months and I was obviously going to recovery meetings and all that jazz,

but I was also going to recovery meetings for, they call it sex and love addiction. I remember. Yeah, of course you remember. So I was working through a program in this thing called SLAR. So literally the last thing on my radar was meeting someone and falling in love. And yeah, it was an absolutely crazy time. I remember the first time I saw you on a Zoom, friends of friends and we were doing a Zoom with your family.

It was lockdown because of COVID. Lockdown, COVID Christmas quiz. And I saw you on Zoom kicking back tattoos, drinking a beer. I just thought, oh no, he looks like absolute trouble. Well, mine wasn't too dissimilar. Like, well, it was, but in the fact that I was not looking for a relationship, I was just finalizing my second divorce. By the age of? 32, 33.

That is pretty good. Like two divorces by 32. They weren't even quick marriages either. So both seven years, it's mental. You got married at 18. 18 to 25 and then 26 to 33. Yeah. But I was living, you know, I was living in a flat, like bachelor pad vibes, like minimalist. Wait.

I had my Xbox set up. Wait, you can't call it a bachelor pad when you've got two kids there. I don't think that's... They weren't. You were more like a dadtula. They weren't there all the time. So like it was bachelor for half the week and then family dad vibes the other half of the week. Right, so you were living your dreams with Xbox, beer... Going out, drinking...

Were you happy? I thought I was. Like in comparison to now, definitely not, obviously. But yeah, I was quite happy. I had loads of freedom and then you came along. And talking about like anxiety, this is the thing that really got me, which made Falling in Love horrible. Because obviously you go through that stage where everything's wonderful and you think you're living in a fairy tale and we were speaking for like five hours a day on the phone.

Um, just like I couldn't speak for five minutes on the phone now, let alone five hours, what the hell were we talking about? Now it's like, can you pick me up? Yeah. Yeah. See you there. Exactly. Tell me about your day.

Yeah, it was all right. Like that was basically our conversation. It's so funny though, in the early days days you just want to know everything about someone. But I feel, you know, falling in love is being a horrible thing. So firstly, as we found out you have to fart and show the other person that you're human, horrifying. Secondly, you have to really deal with anxiety, right? Because... Oh man, I don't miss that. I think that got us both differently, didn't it, the anxiety?

I think mine came earlier than yours. Yeah. So, I mean, it's so embarrassing to share. This particular story you're about to share, I've never known anyone do what you're about to share actually, if I'm being honest. That makes me feel... No, no shame. Very ashamed.

No, like share it, it's funny. So in our early days, actually before we were together, it's when we'd realised there was an attraction, you had slipped into the old DMs and we'd started talking. And I was very good on voice notes, text and actually the phone. Yeah. So if I wasn't with you physically, I was rock and roll, very attractive, straight in. Yep. But when you would come round to the house to see me,

That's when it began. I was physically unable to look you in the eyes. My anxiety was so bad that I sort of went nonverbal so I couldn't speak. Yep. And? And? And one occasion, I actually had to go and sit around the corner to be able to tolerate a conversation. That must have been awful to experience.

It was so bad because when you're so desperate to impress someone, look attractive, like I've done my makeup, I've put my little outfit on and then my body just goes, nope, you're not going to be able to speak and your hands are going to start shaking and you won't be able to look this person in the eyes. I was so embarrassed of myself and I was so convinced in those moments that I was absolutely ruining it. You definitely weren't it was like endearing if anything and like picture the scene like my vision was we were around our friend's house I was sat on the sofa. Mate was sat on the sofa.

His partner was just sort of wandering around and you were literally you weren't even sat there was no sofa around the corner. He was sat on the floor, cross-legged in front of the door around the corner. I had to open the door to sit behind it. So all of a sudden just had this voice come out of the wilderness to contribute to the conversation. Okay, so it's very sweet to hear you say it's endearing. Yeah. But for someone that was living the bachelor pad dream, who had had two divorces

and had said, I'm never ever doing this again. What was it about the little freak sat around the corner unable to look at you having an anxiety attack? Like that doesn't sound like the type of person. But bearing in mind, like my life was all fake before this. So it was, you know, everyone looking their best, drinking to become someone that wasn't them. Although it was obviously horrible for you, for me to witness it was just very real. Like it wouldn't be a chat line, would it? I'm going to sit around the corner with my legs crossed and talk to you through the door.

It just became very like real very quickly. And bearing in mind, although it was one of the first impressions of when we were face to face, we were like chatting for five hours a night on the phone. So I knew that something different was going on here. So I'd done enough groundwork on the phone that I could buy a little bit of wonky time in real life. It's funny because remembering back to those moments, it was actually the way that you treated me when I was having basically a mental breakdown that made me realize how amazing you were

because it was my worst nightmare coming true. Embarrassing yourself, not being able to speak, crippled with anxiety in front of someone that you're really trying to make a good impression in front of. And what you did was you never judged, you never laughed, you were so kind, you told me it didn't matter, you asked me how I was, you'd text me and say, is there anything I can do? So immediately, although I wouldn't have ever wanted it this way, you sort of saw the worst of me, things I was ashamed and embarrassed of, and you were absolutely lovely. And I think that allowed me quite early on to realise that you were different and you were really emotionally mature and just

like the kindest person ever. Probably not worst of you, most vulnerable of you probably. Interesting. Wouldn't say worst, wasn't bad was it? It was just different. Yeah the most vulnerable but I think, that was so difficult. I was so entrenched in, you know, realizing how much I'd messed up my life and this time wanting to get it right. And I just felt like I was not getting it right. But strangely enough, it's probably what grew us closer together. So obviously my experience with anxiety was in the very early

days of being together physically, not in a fun intimate way, in like being in the same room. Yeah. Your anxiety, you actually felt really confident in those first few meetings. And it's a good job because if mine had struck at the same time, there would have been game over. But like, yeah, in that moment, I was quite calm, quite confident. Mine came probably a couple of months later, maybe a month later. I can't, I'm fuzzy with the timelines now because it all happened so quickly. But when you moved in and actually looking back, it was very much, it was about me and my anxiety and the fact that I hadn't gone to therapy,

but it was also probably my first encounter with your ADHD, which we knew nothing about. That like absolutely floored me. So obviously when we were first together, like the text messages were free flowing back and forth, because that was all that we were thinking about. All I was thinking about was you or you were thinking about was me. So there was open communication. When you moved in and we started getting into like real life and you would go to songwriter sessions and stuff like that, and I wouldn't hear from you all day. I became an absolute anxious mess. I'd never experienced it before really in my life, not certainly about a relationship. And I thought all of a sudden you didn't love me, you wasn't interested in me because I would text,

you'd leave me on read and you wouldn't say anything until when you got home later that evening at eight o'clock. And I remember one day, I had to take a day off of work one day because it was so bad I could barely leave the room and I had to stay in bed. Well there was also loads of other stuff coming up at that time to do with your past and being abused and things like that. So I think it was this perfect mix when you fall in love and it's really scary and it actually brings out all the stuff that almost needs to be looked at. Definitely. Well, I was sober as well. So that made it worse.

You were newly sober in a brand new relationship. Yeah, but I remember that obviously from the other perspective, I was sort of the anxious one when we met and you were really calm, confident, sort of being the guiding one and then it almost switched positions. Oh God, yeah, it triggered your avoidance, didn't it? Yeah, but I wasn't as good as you as actually holding your anxiety. So you would text me, are you still interested? Do you still love me? Why haven't you written back?

Oh my god, I remember some of your responses actually. Oh, go on, were they bad? I remember when I was really bad one day and I was like, do you love me? And you were like, well, what does love mean? No, that was way later. Was it? Yeah, that was with the other scenario that we will get into. That was a year later. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Fine, fine, fine. At that time, I remember what happened. So you went really anxious and I went really avoidant.

Yeah. So I was feeling like, this is going to sound horrible, but like demanded on, like I needed to do something. My body was going, oh, you need to run away. You're losing yourself here. I didn't want that rationally, but you can't stop that anxious and avoidant dance. And I remember like being on the train home and you were texting, obviously needing a lot of reassurance. And I remember being on the train home and you were texting, obviously needing a lot of reassurance. And I was fighting myself. I was like, step into being an adult, be kind, be there for him. Whereas historically, I think I would have run away or been so much of a dick, it would have ended. And really realising that I needed to be honest. I couldn't only be there for your anxiety.

I also had to show you my avoidance. Yeah. We went for a curry and I said, I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed, a bit numb. Yeah. I'm finding it really difficult. I love you. I'm in this, I want to be there with your anxiety and here's where I'm at. And then we started to do all the like anxious avoidant quizzes. Oh God, yeah. I think so many new, new couples do that.

But actually at that time, I think that was quite helpful. Was helpful. I remember the curry actually, cause you were expecting me to be like, well, this isn't going to work then. Like, I can't, if you're not going to, if you're not going to help, blah, blah, blah. I think when you said, I'm feeling a bit overpowered, I feel like just numb, blah, blah, blah. I think I said, that must be really difficult. You took my hand and you went, I'm so sorry, that must be really hard. And again, it was a moment of you were going through so much anxiety. I was not able to show up for it fully because all my avoidance was playing up.

And I thought you were just going to freak out and think I was horrible. And again, it was a moment when you just, you were able to support me and I felt so safe. If you can say to someone, I'm feeling numb, I don't know what's happening. And they go, wow, that's tough. It wasn't, you know, you thinking I was leaving or being a dick. You understood it was hard and I wanted to be there. And you seeing my avoidance and how difficult I was finding the intensity actually allowed me to really be there for your anxiety, to be a lot more reassuring with texts. And I think you had started therapy at that point. But it really, that was

when you really took hold of it and was like, there's something here in my anxiety. And you went on a journey and there will of course be episodes where we talk about you being abused and what happened and what that did to you. But strangely enough, the anxiety that manifested in the early days of us, I think actually helped you go and get the help that you needed. But on the note of that, like everything we've talked to about today, I'm just gonna say on record, like if we don't make it,

which I'm sure won't happen, touch wood, I'm not doing it again. Like it's horrible. You said that last time though. Yeah. Like I was, if I ever die. Wait, wow, this has got dark quickly, innit? I am dark. I always think about people dying, probably because my mum died. If I ever die,

I would want you straight into an AA meeting. Yeah. Because I want you to start drinking again, straight in, going regularly, being part of the community and then maybe grieve. I don't want to be looking down seeing you banging someone else a week later. But if you did fall in love, it's fine. I don't want you to ever feel bad. And then I'd want you to meet a lovely sober lady and stay on that or guy or whatever. Not a bottle of vodka in a casino. No, no. No.

But you say all of that like lovely, fine. But imagine it the other way around. If I said that to you, it's like quite like, no, thank you. If I went right. Oh, if you died. Yeah. I'd off myself. Exactly. So you can't. It's different though, because I haven't got kids in the same way. They're my stepkids. I love them to pieces, but I'm not their biological parent. They'd probably both go back with their mums. Like, they wouldn't really be much.

Anyway, let's just… That's really depressing. Yeah, let's hope that that doesn't… We started on farting, it ended on death. So crazy though, because one day we will be dead. Yeah, well hopefully just well old. But this podcast will still be here. So even after we've died, the legacy of farts. Yeah, well if anyone listens to it, maybe it will become famous after we're gone.

Posthorously. Will become a meme. Late bloomers. So in summary, falling in love is horrible. Yeah, we've got no advice to give it just is horrible. Just, well, the advice of those. Strapping. Yeah. I would actually say there is advice. Put your crash helmet on.

So if I was going to give three pieces of advice to somebody falling in love, it would be this. Number one, fart early. Day one. Don't hold it in. Don't have the bloated belly. Don't have to scurry after the bar. Just fart early.

You're human beings. If you're going to make it long term, trust me, you're going to need to fart in front of each other. It's fine. Make it a conversation on the first date. There you go. Maybe not the first date. Number two, whatever massive emotions you are feeling, if it is nerves, anxiety, avoidance, put it on the table and talk about it. In a young relationship, maybe not, but if you are dating for long term, if you want to get married or have a life partner, you have to put the messy stuff on the table because that and dealing it with together.

Like I learned so much through doing that. And number three. Did you just say three because you think it sounds good? Yeah. Have you only really got two? Yeah. That's fine. Leave it at two. Adapt to the situation.

Take advice and roll with it. If you were going to give three pieces of advice to somebody falling in love, what would they be? Yeah. Similar. I'm only going to give three pieces of advice to somebody falling in love, what would they be? Yeah, similar. I'm only going to give one because I'm not a relationship expert. You're a divorce expert. I'm a divorce expert. Yeah. Just to your point, put it on the table, be honest. Like that's the best thing you can possibly do. Whether it's about farts, whether it's about nerves, just be honest from day one because the people that act in a

certain way during the honeymoon period, which we all do, it's just not sustainable and therefore it's not real. So just make it as real as possible from day one. I'm glad you said that because I'm dying for a shit. Oh my god. Oh my god. Let's wrap this up. This has been Late Bloomers.

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