LATE BLOOMERS - LIFE AFTER DIAGNOSIS: 10 things no one warns you about after getting an ADHD or autism diagnosis

Episode Date: May 20, 2026

You've just been diagnosed with ADHD or autism — now what? In this episode, Rich and Rox walk through the 10 emotional stages of life after a late diagnosis: the surreal moment everything starts to make sense, the relief-and-grief whiplash, the identity crisis (what's me vs. what's neurodivergent?), and the painful truth that a diagnosis doesn't fix you — and can even make things worse before it gets better.The episode lands where their work always does: how to move from "what's wrong with me?" to self-understanding, and rebuild a life that works with your brain.20% off Loop Earplugs: ⁠https://www.loopearplugs.com/adhdlove⁠

So you've just been diagnosed of ADHD and you are going through an identity crisis. Yes, you feel so relieved that you've got answers, but you're also grieving the life that you could have had. You don't know who you are because you've been masking for so long and you've got no idea what life is going to look like moving forward today on the late bloomer's podcast. We're going to go through the kind of 10 things that you will go through and face when you get diagnosed and how to actually move through them. Welcome to late bloomers where we are getting our lives together. Right, so I'm going to lead on this one. What are you pointing at? Our amazing sponsor, Luke Earplugs.

Oh my God, I'm sorry. That's okay. I can't believe I remembered and you forgot. Yeah, I know. That's like a once in a lifetime. Whoops. Okay, let me start again then. I'm going to lead on this podcast, aren't I? What do you mean you're going to lead? Well, I've got 10 things that we've discussed beforehand that are really relevant to what life was like after diagnosis for you. So I'm going to point out those 10 things and you are going to tell us a bit more.

I feel like when someone gets diagnosed, or they realize for the first time, it's like life changing, but then you have so many emotions and stages that you go through. So hopefully if someone's newly diagnosed or in that process, this is going to make you feel a little bit less. alone. Do you think that some of these are still relevant? Do you still think that you do have quite emotional moments? I've forgotten what all 10 are. So let's find out. Fine. All right.

Should I start with number one? Yeah. Probably the most obvious one. The moment that your entire life starts to make sense. Yeah. I can relate to that one as well. Any sort of neurodivergence or diagnosis, especially if it comes late. Yeah. For me, that was my whole life feeling broken, just like a really, really rubbish human. So you just fully believe, like, you fully believe you are just rubbish on legs. Yeah. And nothing would ever.

change that view of yourself because all of the evidence points to that. You are bad at adulting. You're bad at things other people find easy. And then the moment, the first moment when someone mentions to you that, oh. It like floods in, doesn't it? And you know, you talk about being late diagnosed, which we technically both are. I was 40. You were mid 30s? Late 30s, yeah. We've had comments of people getting. diagnosed late 60s, early 70s. It must be a crazy moment in their life. It's like, right, my actual entire life.

That makes me sad, though, if I'm so okay with the fact that I used to hate myself and think I was an awful person. One therapy. But I can't, I can't stand the thought that, like, other people with ADHD have lived most of their lives feeling that way and it's not. their fault. And what does, so obviously, you know, you've gone through your whole life, mid 30s or 40 or however old you are, you get diagnosed, it all starts to make sense. How would you, what would you describe that emotionally as?

In the first moment, it is like shock and awe because you're like, what do you mean I'm not broke? No, this can't be like, what, you mean I'm not? the worst person alive. It's really very, very confronting in an amazing way. For me, like that first acknowledgement of ADHD was amazing. It was like so beautiful. So yeah, I think the first thing is really positive. Yeah, I agree. It was quite surreal for me. It was almost like a bit of an out-of-body experience. It was like, okay, cool. Well, bear in mind, I thought I was making it all up, like going into your autism. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. You start like, you start really going in on yourself. Like, I'm an imposter. This isn't real. This isn't. And then you get really scared and blah, blah. So, yeah, it's when I got it, I, even though, right, for like two years before, I was diagnosed by everyone who follows us.

Like, I was the last to know. And even when I'd come around to the fact, actually, yeah, I think I really am autistic. Let me go and explore this. Even though I'd been happy with it for maybe a couple of years, it still then triggered all of the, like it made sense. It's still like flashed back to everything. It was crazy.

Okay. So point number two, relief versus grief. So finally having the answers versus mourning and sadness. Yeah, I think that's maybe the bit people don't warn you about that combination. I think the relief is quite obvious. Hey, you're not the worst person alive. Oh, I'm relieved. Like, yes, like that's amazing.

all of these things that you've beaten yourself up about, hated yourself so much for there is now like a clinical explanation. You don't have to hate yourself anymore. It's amazing. It was like a massive weight is lifted off your shoulders. You have a language to describe your struggles, you find other people going through it, you realize you're not alone. Oh, amazing. But the grief part of it is very, very real. So I was just talking about, I can't stand the fact of, say if someone was 60 or 70 and they've gone their whole life hating themselves, being broken, that's, that is so sad. For me, you know, it's difficult. because I think it was so, it was so positive with, for our relationship, for me, for my work.

I mean, this was 2021. And 2021 was the year that our ADHD love work started and began to do well. And I started doing music again, 2021. And it started to do well. And we started writing books. Like this knowledge changed everything for me. because it meant I could finally express myself and go after my dreams without feeling shame that I didn't deserve to show up. Yeah, but I guess that's the reason for the grief as well, because it's like all this good stuff's happening now.

And it's such a like springboard to go and do all this awesome stuff. I've got all this explanation of how I work, what would have happened if I knew 20 years ago. That's probably where the grief comes from, right? Yeah. You know, I take a small thing, which is music. I started working in 2021. Very late to start a music project. I'm very lucky I got a second chance.

But yeah, what might of it look like? I tried numerous times in my 20s. Had I known and had I been able to get the right support around me, I just blamed myself for it not working out. And that can be quite difficult. Also like relationship issues and just being an absolute fool, you know, like I was an absolute fool, impulsive and reckless. And I think when you know, like knowledge is power,

you can make your life a bit better. So I think it's important to talk about the two pieces of the puzzle. relief, lovely, you have an explanation, you can get support, you've got language, you can find community and grief all of those years that you spent alone, struggling, hating yourself, getting into terrible situations might have been easier. Yeah. I mean, I go down rabbit holes when it comes to stuff like that and grieve and like what would have life been like if I'd have known earlier and stuff that at because obviously of course sliding doors moment i wouldn't be i wouldn't have met you like it it would have just been a completely different life path but i'm not

going into that because i won't be able to shut up about it if i do so i'm going to move on to point number three um i i can relate to this one as well so point number three replaying childhood relationships and mistakes but through a different lens okay so i'll start with childhood. Yeah, that makes so much sense. I was the kid in school that had potential but doesn't apply herself, quite naughty, you know, talking in class and not doing my homework until the night before, always late to school, even though I lived two-minute walk from school, messy school bag, always losing stuff, but was labelled a gifted kid, was in a lot of like special classes.

Well, you could just turn up, couldn't you, the night before, despite all of those problems and probably excel. At school, it runs out after school and that's a shock to the system. But I think everyone sees the giftedness and they label that ability to quickly learn high on anxiety as giftedness. It's not. It's a survival mechanism. But people don't see the messy bedroom and the late.

and the school bag. Nobody wants to look at that. And, you know, I did a lot of hobbies. I was always busy. Had a lot of fingers in a lot of pies. Why does that not surprise me? You've got your lots of fingers in your different adult pies nowadays. That's true.

So, yeah, just it makes so much sense. Also, just, like, highly sensitive, very deep thinker, even as a kid. So yeah, when I look back, I just kind of wish that the struggles that I had were given as much focus as where I excelled. And I understand why it's not, you don't want to give your kid an identity of their struggles.

You want to push them towards where they excel. But what that did for me was meant the struggles mean I'm bad and I'm not lovable. And doing well means I'm good. I'm loved. So I developed a sort of sense of self, which is like unless I'm not achieving, I'm not worth anything.

And I still struggle with it. Yeah. So that's childhood. Relationships. My God. Oh, hello. Like 10, one year relationships. I'm lucky number 10.

Or like number 11, you might be. I'm not going to count them up now, but. I know it was an age old saying, anyway, lucky number 11, sliding seamlessly. But I look back to that and look,

I don't want to oversimplify. find so it's all ADHD. I also had a lot of issues that I needed therapy for relating to what I saw growing up and what that did to me and my own attachment and ability to trust. There are other things, but a huge part of ADHD is novelty, glimmerance, getting bored, all that jazz. So I just did it over and over again, never learning. Like, why can I not stay in a long-term relationship? Why am I running to? towards the next shiny man or woman. You know, but I know now it's okay.

Yeah. They won't be doing that again. And mistakes. Yeah. I've made a few. Made more than a few. Drug addiction. Alcohol.

Shoplifting. Running a shoplifting ring. Had 20 different jobs, fired from jobs, been arrested. not paid my electricity bill, CCJ's getting in debt. I mean, yeah, just I was a mistake on legs. It's like walking through life. And I look back and I think so many of those mistakes

was just an unsupported kid with ADHD living in this world, trying to hide it, didn't know how to ask for help, didn't think I deserved help because I thought it was all my own fault. Yeah. And that's quite sad. I need to support. Yeah. What about you?

Yeah, I'm quite a deep thinker. So yeah, after my diagnosis, I was replaying, I was replaying everything. But more for me, it wasn't necessarily, you know, relationships and mistakes specifically, but it was more like just me and the perception of me either from others or myself. It was like, well, it sort of leads me into the next one, actually, but it was what bit of that was my autism? And that really, that really explains that. But of course, and similarly to your relationships, we've got personalities as well, which is the next point. So was any of your personality like actually me?

Or is it this neurodivergence that is that why I am the way I am? It's really difficult to think about. It is. I think that that's part of the identity crisis. So how do you pick apart what is actually truly who you are? What was masking? What is ADHD? And, you know, I've overthought this for many, many years.

I don't think that you can pull it apart because it's all, it is all you. I agree. I think it's unhelpful pulling it apart. For me it is anyway. Well, you can't. You try and pull out the ADHD and you realize it's, it is you. You know, we say ADHD or autism, but that is you. That is part of your incredibly complicated kind of conscious makeup.

You don't just get to take it out. Maybe a nice way to frame it is. that the autism or the ADHD helps to explain you rather than... Yeah, helps to explain you. I think in terms of masking, that's definitely something that's quite confronting. So, you know, for you, you would have thought you were a really sociable person because you used to go out with people at work and drink.

and you've realized that you are not at all and you like to stay in and quiet and you don't like other people and you don't like loud sounds. So like that is a huge change. For me, there were so many bits of my personality that were masking, that were pretending. And I sometimes still struggle with it, you know? Like I sometimes catch myself. being loud or like a bit like this, you know? Yeah. And I'm like, oh, I'm so annoying. I need to calm down.

I still, you know, shave off the edges of myself sometimes. I guess it's a learning curve. But when you find out that you, on your divergent, you will have to meet yourself like again and again. Try not to get lost in it, drown in the overthinking. You have to meet yourself again and again. and as you start to bring in more support, you will start to like be more you as cringe as it sounds.

Well, I think for me it was one, be more me, but two, be a lot more unapologetically me. Wow, that was a big word for me. You got it, then. Thanks. It was, there was no shame around why I'm being like I'm being. That was a big thing for me. It was like being proud of my personality

because I understand it more. rather than having to fit in with social norms that I felt on the outside of. It's like it really helped me with identity. That's true. Because you struggled with feeling rude or not caring about family birthdays or talking with people. And it's given you freedom to sort of to not feel rude or horrible. But like that's what you need to be okay. Well, and do the things that you've mentioned it.

You know, I'm not really a social. Butterfly, more of an antisocial butterfly. But I've started my gardening era. And you had to get me in from the garden yesterday because it was smashing down with rain. And I was still out there just puttering around. And you were like, babe, what are you doing? You don't need to do this.

I know, but I love that for you. Right. Point number five, the anger phase. So more specifically sort of feeling failed, whether that be parents, teachers, those sorts of relationship, your caregivers, being a bit angry? So it's difficult for me because I grew up in the 80s. You sort of had ADHD, but maybe like one naughty boy, maybe. Both my parents were teachers, so they kind of knew about it.

It just wasn't, I don't know, it wasn't on the agenda. We didn't have the awareness that we do now. so I don't tend to be angry at school. Am I angry at my parents? Different reasons, maybe. I'm probably more angry now, because even now my dad says it's not real. And it's like,

but this has helped me so much. It's changed my life. But that's, you know, that's his commitment. It obviously means a lot to him to believe it's not real. And it's a different time. I don't think, I'm angry with particular people. I like more,

I more get angry on a broad scale about expectations of humans and what it means to be normal and acceptable. And so I get, I get annoyed at that, I get angry at that. No, like angry that society places all these expectations on people, what it means to be nice or polite or sociable.

And that often excludes autistic people. A lot of, yeah. A lot of neurodivergent people. Same, actually. I hate the way that if you struggle with cleanliness or timekeeping, you're just seen as lazy or disgusting. It's really, really horrible on how life is set up to, you know, go to school,

get a job, have one job for a long time, get promoted, then retire. That shames ADHD people are like, I'm quite angry at it. that too. Yeah and for me it would be odd. I'd be the odd person because I would be the one being really direct or whatever and it's like that's that would be the label for that. Right before I go into number six, a quick word from our sponsors. If you have ADHD or other types of neurodivergence, there is a chance that you have got sensory sensitivity, which is a posh way of saying that your ears can hurt if it gets a bit loud. So we are So lucky on the late bloomer's podcast to be sponsored by the amazing loop earplugs.

It's something that Rich and I both love wear and will not leave the house without. And all of our listeners get 20% off. We have got loop earplugs for every situation. Whether you use the loop quiet, if you're taking a nap, the loop engage, if you're going out for dinner or the loop experience, if like me, you're dragging your partner to a rock concert. but simply go to the show notes of this podcast or the link in our bio to get your 20% off all of our favourite loop earplugs. Right. Back to it with number six.

I think that maybe many people watching or listening to this can maybe relate. You become obsessed with ADHD content on the internet. I mean, yeah. Well, and podcasts. You were listening. Everything. You consumed everything, didn't you? TikToks, podcasts, books.

Wait, before, wait, before, you've just, this is really niche. And I'm sure no one will understand this, but let me know if you do. It made me think of Johnny, his name. Oh my God, I can't remember his name. In short circuit two, there's a robot that's like info, info, info, and just chomping on all the books. That's what you remind me of. You couldn't ingest information about ADHD quick enough. So obviously part of ADHD is hyperfocus.

When you first find out you've got ADHD or you think you have, you will hyperfocus on ADHD. Your life will become ADHD because you're like, oh my God, this whole world exists that explains my life perfectly and means that I don't have to hate myself or beat myself up. Oh my God, I want to know everything. And I think that is so not, that's just part of having ADHD. You just have a very inquisitive mind and you like researching and you like to know about things.

So the hyperfocus phase. Johnny Five is the name of the robot. Thank you. I was worrying actually. Did that happen to you? Did you? So was I. I think, I think because I do the job that I do.

with you, I've been so exposed and deep in that world more than most people, I would assume, because our whole job is about neurodivergence. So I feel like I didn't, that's been happening. I've probably done it the other way around. And that's probably what led me to get diagnosed, actually. Also, you've got a sear. So you knew from a very young age. Yeah.

What it was, you just hadn't made the connection. Which is crazy. I know, because you're the same person. Yeah, that doesn't make a huge amount of sense. Right. Number seven, this is quite funny. The temptation to make ADHD your whole identity or to blame everything on ADHD.

Sorry, what? Wait, what? This is quite big, right? It's huge. It's a little bit confronting. I won't lie. Yeah. I mean, I quite frankly have made ADHD my entire personality because it's all I talk about on the internet all day. Yeah, but my challenge would be that's the only place you do talk about it as much as you do. It will obviously come up when we argue about the wear again shelf or whatever or the doing the kitchen.

or whatever, but it's not all you talk about, I don't think. Not in your actual life. No. I think when in 2021, I think it probably was. There was a period of a few months where it was just like that was. Yeah, that's when it probably dipped its toe into blaming everything on ADHD. I'd say that was probably like the first year. Yeah.

It's almost like this pendulum. I used to believe I was awful and broken and the worst person alive, bad adult, disgusting. Why don't you've got ADHD and the pendulum swings the other way to, it's all ADHD. I'm late because of ADHD. I'm messy because of ADHD. I struggle with this because of ADHD. You almost go too far. And although yes, it can explain behaviours, you also want to learn how to cope and make it through. So over the years you learn to kind of come into the middle, which is I might be messy because of ADHD,

but I need to find the support and techniques to help me to not be because it's important for my mental health and that of people that I live with. So you have to find a way to sort of be really validated and helped by it, but not be stuck there. Yeah. That we have to want to grow. It's like growing with it. This is like the part about what's personality and what's ADHD again, right? Because it would be really easy to be like, I can't do this. I've got ADHD.

I can't possibly do this. Whereas you really, I think the best way I can, I've used this example a few times, but it was like an untidy room, right? There's a difference between you scrolling TikTok. on your phone, go, no, I can't highly upgrade ADHD, executive dysfunction, lull, rather than standing at the front of the room and being like,

I really want this to be tidy, but I'm overwhelmed. I don't know where to start. Can you help me? There's a difference in those two things. And I can do both. I can definitely be a like executive dysfunction lull, queen. Yeah. Okay, number eight.

Why diagnosis doesn't automatically fix you and actually can make it worse? to start with. Yeah, so I think often you get the diagnosis and you think, well, now I know everything's going to be fine because you've gone through that relief and realizing that you deserve support and it's not your fault. But then what?

You still have to live life and build a beautiful life with the same brain. So it doesn't really fix anything. It can change the way you see yourself. And over time that can fix your self-esteem and self-concept and your support network. But you never fix the ADHD. That's always there. Well, mine was even worse than that. And I'm not lying about this.

I got worse. I made a video about it. Mine was like, I regressed. I became more autistic, like after being diagnosed. That's really common because you finally have permission to allow those parts of you to be seen. So it's really common that people's symptoms might get worse after a diagnosis. And that can be a bit destabilising because you've tried desperately your whole life to cover, to fix, to hide, to pretend,

and then suddenly they're like bursting through the dam. It's like you lose your ability to hide it and to mask. And that's actually quite destabilising. Yeah, and really annoying. Like, the way my brain works is, let's use an example of a sensory issue or whatever, clearing some mush up from the sink, like, which I can't do it now.

Like I, and I can't actually do it. And it's not me saying to someone else, can't. If I'm home alone, I'm like, I can't, can't do this. This thing needs to be tidy. It's grossing me out too much. But my logical brain is like, well, you've done it for 40 years. So what the hell are you doing? I know. It's, it's really annoying for me. It is. But I think it, again, is sometimes it's oversimplified that you just need to get an ADHD diagnosed. It's all just, then you're going to know that it's all going to be fine. It's like, no, that is like, step one. of a really long journey, things are going to change,

they might get worse, they might get better. And you kind of have to just commit to doing life with this knowledge now. But yeah, it's sort of like a warning to people. Like it doesn't, don't expect a diagnosis to fix anything. Yeah. But use it as a tool to get the support that you need. Yeah. Okay, point nine, learning to rebuild your whole life around how your brain works.

I think this is probably the most important work that you can do with a diagnosis. This is how a diagnosis can be used well. You use that knowledge to rebuild your life. To stop trying to be neurotypical and to live with your neurodivergence and build a life that supports it, celebrates it, protects you from the worst parts of it. So for me, I can't have one job. I would be so bored. So I need to have multiple jobs. Cool. Fine. Like I'm not going to ever go and have one office job. I tried to do it many times. Never again. I need novelty, multiple things, tapping in and out. That works. And I'm able to build that. I also know that I,

lose my keys all the time, so I don't have keys. We have a lockbox now. Because that's like a protection mechanism. I know that I run late, so when I'm going somewhere important, I go two trains early. So what you do is you stop trying to fix or hide or get rid of and you live with as if it's here every day and you build what works. And actually that's the change. The ADHD doesn't change. The life you build around it changes. And that's where like, I don't know, like happiness and success can come from. Hence me wandering around in the rain in the garden yesterday. You love being in the garden, working with your grass robot that's trimming the grass,

doing flower beds, you're really into that. You're really into that. You want hours out there. Robotic lawnmower. Sorry, robotic lawn mower. Grass robot. To do that instead of what you, you know, maybe watching the football or going to the pub. Like you like you're more nerdy and I mean that as a compliment things now. Babe, I take it as a compliment. You don't socialise. You don't go out. No, don't want to.

You don't really speak to people very often. You don't keep in touch. And that's okay. That is what works for you. So it's, yeah, I just, I see it so clearly in my head that you can be the exact same. person, the neurodivergence never changes, but the environment around you does. And that's what the difference maker. There is a select few people that I do socialise with, you know, just a select few, but it's just got smaller. Your friend Matt, who you play golf with, because golf is a special interest. I like spending time with Max, the podcast editor. Max, not just saying that because he's looking at me now. I know that you wouldn't do that because you wouldn't play that social norm game, would you, babe?

Okay, number 10, finale. You go from what's wrong with me to a position of understanding and forgiveness. Probably the central message of every video that we make and book that we've written is that. It's you have to move from I hate myself to I understand myself and kind of vibe with myself. And that sounds quite lighthearted and simple. That can take years. Self hatred is deep rooted. It often comes with a heavy shame, a fear of being who you really are.

You don't even know who you really are because you've never given yourself the chance. But that's the most beautiful bit of the journey, isn't it? like to move from self-hatred to self-understanding, it's okay to be who you are. It's you deserve support. What can life look like when you are set up to succeed rather than fail? And it looks awesome. It looks completely different.

Yeah. So I think that's the, yeah, if you've been diagnosed, that's the goal. Yeah. Self-hatred out, self-understanding in. And thriving. Thriving. Thriving. We love to thrive.

Neurodivergent thrive. Anyway, on that note, that is us. Thank you for talking us for it. Hope you have enjoyed this episode. If you have, like, follow, subscribe, all of those things. And if not, just keep on going. We'll see you next week.