LATE BLOOMERS - ONE IN SIX: Rich’s story of childhood sexual abuse

Episode Date: March 19, 2025

This week on LATE BLOOMERS, we’re having one of the most important—and difficult—conversations we’ve ever shared. In this deeply personal episode, Rich opens up about his experience of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of someone he trusted. He talks about how the abuse happened, the grooming that led up to it, and the lasting impact it had on his life—relationships, addiction, anxiety, and self-worth. We also discuss what helped him begin to heal: therapy, sobriety, and support from the right people at the right time. This episode is for anyone who’s lived through similar trauma, or loves someone who has. We hope that by sharing Rich’s story, it helps survivors feel less alone, and offers hope that healing is possible—no matter how long it takes. Trigger warning: This episode contains discussions of childhood sexual abuse, grooming, and its emotional aftermath. Please take care while listening.

This week's episode has got a trigger warning. It's a vulnerable episode and we're going to be talking about my abuse when I was eight years old. So if you or a loved one or a survivor of SA, this might be a difficult listen. We're going to hear Rich's story, how the abuse happened, the grooming that was involved, and all of the impacts that that's had on him, as well as look at the therapy and some of the life choices that have helped. It is going to be a difficult episode to listen to, but we also really, really hope it's going to make you feel less alone and maybe give you the courage to speak to someone if you've been through it. So this is Late Bloomers, where we are getting our lives

together. Eventually. How are you feeling? All right. You'll have to ask me questions because sometimes my mind doesn't, it's not all clear in my mind. That's okay. So it's not free flowing. No, I think it's incredibly brave to share it on the internet. Not a lot of our listeners or followers perhaps know that this has happened to you. I think especially as a man sharing this story, it's going to be so helpful because we know it's one in six boys.

Yeah and one in four girls. And one in four girls have been abused before 18 years old. So we're dealing with an epidemic and it can destroy people's lives. And so I think the first thing I'm going to ask is about the actual story and what happens if I ask anything you don't want to answer, just tell me the way. Just say no, thank you. Say no, thank you. So do you mind just sharing what actually happened in as much detail as you're

comfortable with? Yeah, I'll try to be as specific as possible. I might use sort of code words just for censorship reasons and stuff, but it was my granddad. So I was eight years old. The perpetrator, predator, whatever you want to call him, was my granddad. So a person that I loved and trusted, which is often the case actually with SA, something like 90% of it actually. I think it's 93% is someone that's known to the child. So either a step-parent, grandparent or family friend, which makes it just even more horrendous. Yeah, well it makes you sort of wonder whether we're barking up the wrong tree with all the

stranger danger and stuff like that that we drum into kids. But anyway, so it started, well, as you mentioned, the grooming phase, which was, you know, inappropriate stories. I was staying up late at night with my granddad that he lived on the Isle of Wight, so we would go there multiple times a year. My parents would be in bed and it would be like a treat that I would stay up and watch TV and stuff like that. And looking back now, it was obviously incredibly predatory and he would tell stories of inappropriate inappropriate stories of his like sexual history and stuff like that and what he

was doing when he was a kid and the stories of when he lost his virginity and asking me you know questions invasive questions around what happens and genitalia and all of that stuff. Anyway, so that went on for a long time. And actually, something that I've said before, which creates a lot of like messed up mental health is that stage of the process. I can speak for me, but was enjoyable because you're getting attention, you're getting validation.

So that's why it works, I suppose, the grooming stage. So it's enjoyed by the victim, which brings up loads of stuff, you know, when you look back on it, almost like self blame and stuff like that. Even though I can know logically I was an eight year old, it can be a real mind bender. And then the actual night of the abuse, I don't want to go into loads of detail, but I was lying on the sofa, I was tired. He started massaging me, which felt a bit weird, a bit uncomfortable, and then started

fiddling with me. And then I do remember he said like, shall I put it in my mouth? And I meekly said no. And then he did it anyway. And that was, yeah, and that was the act. Yeah, that's what happened. Can't have long silences on a podcast. I've heard it loads of times, but it's just, I'm so sorry, it's horrible to hear. So just to go back to the grooming part when it started. Yeah. Can you remember the very first time he brought up sexual stuff? And how soon from that to the abuse happening? How long was that grooming period?

I don't remember really specifically, but I remember a sense of where I was, which was in like a garden centre. No, no, botanical garden. That's where it was. They've got one of them on the Isle of Wight. And I think he just sort of asked if I had a girlfriend and it sort of just started from there. I can't remember the specific questions, but quickly. A very, could be innocent question. He is a bit young to ask that, but could be innocent. And then that was sort of the opening to start bringing in really inappropriate stuff. Yeah. And that probably gradually built up, maybe over the course of a year. Okay.

I would say. But obviously it wasn't constantly for a year because I would probably go there four times a year. So realistically, it might have only been four or five weeks. Obviously, you were going there with your parents. Where were they throughout the grooming and where were they on the actual night? Grooming would, you know, the inappropriate conversations were, that could be on a walk and they were a bit ahead or late at night when they were in bed and I was, as a treat, allowed to sort of stay up. So it was just, and I often would go and walk with my granddad and go and feed the horses and stuff like that. So I was alone with him quite a lot, which, you know, on reflection is just isn't a red flag really. Like a grandson and a granddad going on a walk across the

Downs on the Isle of Wight really isn't anything to really worry about. But it was. Yeah, until it is. So obviously you were enjoying some of the grooming. It was kind of exciting. You're in on a secret. You're being shown loads of attention. It makes so much sense why a kid is going to enjoy that process.

But on the night of the actual abuse, the massage and it went further. You said you knew it was a bit weird and you felt a bit uncomfortable. So you knew something had happened and it was wrong or at least you didn't like it. So can you tell me about the next morning? Because you're obviously staying at his house. This thing has happened. It's made you really uncomfortable. You're eight years old. What happened the next morning? Well, firstly though, which is another point that I want to raise about the night, I just froze. Completely froze. And again, it was something before therapy I used to have a lot of shame about because

it's like, well, you didn't do anything, you didn't shout parents running upstairs, it probably only would have taken a scream to put it. But that's quite a common response, like the freeze response from a traumatic incident. So that's quite important to mention. And the other, well, the morning after, I was just, I remember the feeling, I can't remember exactly the actions, but I remember the feeling of just wanting to sort of go into a hole and be alone for the rest of my life. And I remember him saying, like, trying to use guilt, like, do you not love me anymore?

And trying to just double down on the secret. Was this the next day? So you presumably... I was like, not downstairs. As a kid, as an eight-year-old, you'd be the first down for breakfast, exploring the day whereas I stayed in bed. So obviously he reflecting back would have been worried that like, oh, Rich is not showing normal behavior. I better like get in there first before any, any questions are asked. And obviously as an eight year old, when someone says, it's really important, this doesn't, this can't go

anywhere and, you know, do you not love me anymore and stuff like that. Just like laying on that level of guilt is quite, I suppose, it's quite easy to manipulate an eight-year-old, right? I mean, it's absolutely just disgusting to lay on theil. It's emotional abuse on top of physical abuse. Was there any part of you that thought about telling your parents? No, I don't think so. No. I mean, you know, I was 18 before saying anything to anyone about it. So no, I just thought it was one of those things. And obviously, part of the freeze, I didn't say anything, part of the grooming and volunteering personal

information about myself, or inappropriate information about myself, you learn that, well, you think that you had some blame to carry for it. So it was like not just his secret, it was also mine. So you do eventually tell people when you're 18, and we'll get to that. But those years between eight and 18, when you read the literature about children who've been abused, you'll often read that there were signs they might go introverted, be depressed, start struggling. Were there any signs for you from eight through teenage years? Do you think that you were showing that something had happened? I honestly don't know. So I really struggle with the memory of childhood that span of

those 10 years. I have snippets but I certainly don't remember any behaviour. I mean, I think even from a young age, not eight, but young age, I became very much into TV, which I still am, like TV shows and movies. And I think like looking back, which is common, but I think maybe more so for me, like I love watching stuff. I love just like escaping the reality and going into a new world. That's probably part of my obsession with Marvel. Like I wish I could live in the MCU. I'd want to be Iron Man, I think. So there's that. And from a young age, probably just independence. But I can't speak to nine, 10, 11, but I can speak to early teens and going and getting a job

and stuff like that. Well, you said a moment ago, when the abuse happened, the thought you had was, I just want to be alone forever. And you made yourself that way. You retreated into TV, and you probably retreated back from kind of close relationship. And sometimes now when stuff is stressful, you're upset. You just want to be alone. Yeah. Watch TV or not be spoken to. So it's, it's still with us.

Yeah, of course. I think it will be forever. In a way. So during those years, obviously your parents didn't know this had happened and you're going to the Isle of Wight. Were you still being taken to see him and do you remember anything that happened after or is that just not in memory? So the abuse didn't happen again. So however I was acting was, you know, worked in that respect. But I think it was because I was more reserved. I was probably closer on the heels of my parents. I probably, well, not probably, I definitely didn't want to stay up anymore. I would have been one of the first to bed. I just, without telling anyone and without making it too obvious, obviously, I didn't put myself

in a position to be alone with him. When you were in that house on later occasions, that must have been petrifying to go to bed. Were you in your own room? Yes. Yeah. In your own room in the house of a paedophile? Yeah, well that is where, because I know factually that I would have gone there loads after that, but I don't remember any of it, like not at all. So I suppose just the sheer fact that

I don't remember any of it means that yeah, it must have been pretty awful for my body because it's like shut it out. Yeah, I mean, it's really common for trauma survivors to have huge memory apps. Yeah, it's really normal. But yeah, I imagine nine, 10, 11 years old, you must have been petrified. Yeah. Thinking he was going to come in and just horrendous that parents didn't know and just horrendous that parents didn't know you were going back there. Yeah. So you then get to 18. Which is a really important time in your life because you met someone at 17.

She was quite a bit older than you and you got married and actually had a kid by the time you were 18. But again, if we look at your story of being hyper independent, it kind of makes sense that you would have moved so quickly into adulthood. So tell me a bit about being 18 and who you told and what was the catalyst after 10 years for telling people? The way that I told people, I wouldn't actually recommend. I was drunk, obviously, on a night out with my two brothers and sister. My parents lived in Spain and I just like dropped it. Like just, cause I didn't know how to say, I didn't know how to have those sorts of conversations. So I dropped it.

And that's when my brother, one of my brothers became a bit of a hero for me. Not in that moment, but just in the preceding month. Proceed in the right word? Months after? No, it's before. Yeah, the months after. Because he actually was a police officer and he worked, his job was to work with sex offenders.

Sounds like a horrible job. to work with sex offenders. Sounds like a horrible job. I couldn't do it. But so he, I remember him crying. I remember my sister saying, Are you sure? Which is, you know, not probably the way to react. But who, you know, who knows how to react when somebody tells you there's not probably the way to react, but who knows how to react when somebody tells you there's not a lot of guidance. And my other brother, I don't recall him saying anything. We fell out a bit afterwards because he made a bit of an inappropriate joke, which damaged our relationship to this day. But yeah, that was the experience, a drunken night.

And you're just had Sia? Yes. Your first child, so do you think maybe having your own baby, that was the moment you chose? Maybe, I don't know. Like, who knows why people make the decisions they do when they're drunk. I wish I did. Obviously, one reaction of someone really caring. I'd like to get on to some of Andy's behaviours in the months after. I think it's really important. Andy's the legend, by the way. Andy's the legend. But you also had some people say,

are you sure? And you had some people not say anything and make a joke. And it's really difficult to know what to say. But I think it's really important that we talk about it so that if anyone ever comes to any of our listeners, whether it be a child or brother or sister, partner and shares? Yeah, I mean, it's not, it's difficult to know what to say, but it's not, it's not difficult once you know. Yeah. Literally. So what is it that people should say if someone discloses abuse?

All people want to hear as a survivor is that they're believed and that it wasn't their fault. Because I would imagine, I can't speak for everyone, I can speak for me, there will always be, whether it be freeze response, whether it be some warped sense of responsibility because of the information that you shared during the grooming stage or whatever, that there is some warped sense of maybe some of it was my fault. So having adults, people that you trust, people that you can rely on say it wasn't your fault, is really important. And I know that that sounds obvious.

Anyone that's not a survivor, it's like obvious. Obviously people don't know. Obviously people know that it's not their fault if they've been essayed, but they really don't. And then that fear of not being believed. And there were people in my family that didn't believe me until he later admitted to it. I won't speak about her, she knows who she is. Neither will I. She's a dick.

You've already been through the most devastating thing, had trust broken, and you have people not believing there's a special place in hell for those type of people. She's old so she'll find it soon, probably. Okay, so someone really listening, making it obvious that they believe you. When the time is right, letting you know it is not your fault. And I think there's something else that I've done wrong. It's not going into, I'm so angry, I'm going to go and me and Cyr were like, we're going to go to the Isle of Wight and piss on his grave. It isn't about me and Cyr in that moment when you're telling us, it's about you. So you don't go into anger, problem solving, you just listen. My dad did the same and I don't blame him because, and you know, it's a really human

reaction to go somebody that I care about, this has happened to them, I want to go and rip the person's head off. It's okay to feel like that, obviously it's really natural to feel like that, but I suppose as the survivor, you don't, you haven't got the emotional capacity to deal with it. All I need is somebody to be there. The other point as well is don't ask loads of questions, like don't ask loads of questions because it's the hardest thing in the world to talk about. So my advice to anyone dealing with it is to just create space that it's safe to talk about. And that's what Andy did really well. He met me like every day after that for lunch. And after work, walked me to the train station. And

just and he was just with me. So yeah. Just want to talk a bit about Andy Bickett's making me cry. I nearly went there. making me cry. He's just such a bloody legend. He had similar sort of family background to you. But somehow his life had played out in such a way that he was able to really be there emotionally, which you haven't got a lot of in your family. And I imagine he really helped change the outcome a little bit for you by being there listening. I think he encouraged you to write a letter. And he just supported you, no judgment, no anger, just he's just with you. And obviously he would have had police training because he was working in that department.

But I think he's just the importance of being there. 100%. And also he made it really safe. And you know, this is really difficult to talk about for obvious reasons, but it impacts both men and women. But something that didn't help with my internal monologue and belief is that when it happened, like the, you'll have to read between the lines here, but like the physical reaction of my body, like the big O that happened. So because of that, that adds another layer of

buckery to it. Sorry, I don't normally swear. Shame. Did I enjoy it? The sensations. And I was able to share that with him. And he really, almost nonchalantly was like, yeah, that's because that's the main reason that men particularly don't come forward, because it happens whether it's orally or the other one, like that can result in the same situation. So it's like, oh, they blame us, they blame themselves, so they don't say anything about it.

And that was like a huge amount of shame lifting for me. It's just understanding it. And like, you know, now, I mean, my youngest is 10. So like two years younger. And it's like, I can objectively see now that nothing is an eight-year-old's fault. Like at all. I mean, unless they're like being naughty or whatever. But in this topic, this is not their fault.

And they can't be held accountable. But it's amazing what the human mind does because as an eight year old, you still got like, you believe you've got the agency and choice so you think that you're somehow complicit. Yep, of course you do. So you sort of go through this with Andy, he's walking, he's talking to you, write letters, this is a period of months. But at that time, you don't go and get therapy. No, this is going to come later. So what does happen? Your first marriage ends in divorce. Yeah. You get married again, your second marriage ends in divorce. Yeah. You get married again, your second marriage ends in divorce. Yeah. Wait, you missed that I was an alcoholic as well. Are you an alcoholic?

You're a gambling addict. So life isn't going very well for you? No, it is not. How do you think the abuse impacted you, your relationships and your addictions? It was all of it. The whole thing, the alcohol, the gambling, the films, the emotional unavailability with partners and my children. All of it. It shaped my entire life. Like all of it, it shaped my entire life. And it took, I would say, nearly 30 years away from me, 25 years away from me. That I can't do over. During that time, you had a really physical symptom of someone in distress who wasn't getting help, which is being sick every morning.

Yeah. You were sick every morning for? Oh Christ, from when I was probably 16 years old to mid-30s, every day without fail. And it was sort of an anxiety sickness? Yeah, it made worse when I was anxious, whether there was something big happening at work, even like a big golf competition, any sort of anxiety or nerves led to throwing up. Makes me think about you at nine or ten being forced to sleep back in that house alone. The amount of anxiety in your tiny little body and whether that was playing a part for all those years,

when we met you were still throwing up. So this has affected you your whole life. And it's just interesting to note that a survivor that hasn't had the support they need, it isn't always going to look the same way. No, of course not. Yours was a kind of somatic body reaction that was showing something was deeply unprotested and you needed help with.

So you've had a couple of different types of therapy. Yeah. Now I know the first time you went to therapy was for the anxiety. You never asked any questions. You didn't tell him you had been abused and you were put on medication. The second time you went to therapy, it was a bit different. This was after we had met and you did go to therapy with the very specific aim of dealing with the abuse and the anxiety it was having on you. So would you mind just sharing what was it that got you brave enough to go and talk to someone and what helped you?

Well it became a case of like needing to. So I've spoken before about getting sober and what that did was meant that I had to face life sober which is loads harder because having a few beers makes everything, it settles my nervous system down and it just made it all sort of manageable to a degree. So the choice to get sober meant that I had to face all of this like head on and there was no sort of coping mechanisms. And it like it just floored me like there was days I couldn't get out of bed. So like I had to go and get this spoken about.

So yeah, it was hard. Like it was it was difficult to talk about, but I like made myself do it. And very quickly, you know, having somebody listening human to human, unconditional positive regard, you know, making me, telling me again that it wasn't my fault. And actually the impact that it was having on my life. And it really helped me. I've said in a previous episode about self-awareness and why I was the way I was. Like all of that just started over time.

Started painting a better picture and a better outcome and a better life. I remember you'd been in therapy for a few weeks and you being so brave and bringing this stuff up and working through it. And then one night you woke up at four in the morning. Yeah, which never happens. I was still asleep and you had like this experience of this like vivid memory of you at eight and this overwhelming sense of like love and protection rather than shame and blame. Yeah, so I'll start by saying I'm not spiritual really. I'm not, you know, I'm probably, I would label myself as

potentially an atheist. Don't believe in a lot of the, maybe I'm starting to come around. But so the reason that I started with that is that this, what happened this night was completely out of character, but for me, and yeah, I woke up in the middle of the night, you were like asleep next to me. And then I had the urge to write a letter and it was I wrote a letter to like I could almost see and feel and hear like the eight yearyear-old version of me, like inside me. So I just wrote a letter basically saying that it's, that I understand and that it's not your fault and this is why you're at this way and like you're safe, I'll look after you all that sort of stuff. So quite soppy,

but it was really like meaningful for me at the time. And I'll just highlight again, I don't journal, I don't do any of that sort of stuff. It's really out of character. It came out of literally nowhere for you. Yeah, and I would always fondly remember that night as the miracle night, because after that I wasn't better. I don't think I'll ever be better, but I was loads better, loads improved. I mean, your anxiety went away. Yeah, it was gone.

You stopped throwing up in the morning. You were able to go to work. The anxiety towards me, it was gone in this one night. I love it because I'm all about that miracle night. Probably that night is when I did start to think maybe there is more to this spiritual world than maybe I pessimistically thought. Praise Jesus baby. Yeah. Maybe don't go that far. No, not yet. Okay, so and now, where you are now, you can talk about it without shame. We use your story to protect the kids. We talk to Lily really openly about no secrets, about bodily autonomy. You are confident and comfortable in your kind of sexuality and sexual experience and you're living a best life without anxiety, without shame. So you are such an unreal example

of someone who's been through huge trauma, big T trauma, being sexually abused by a family member at eight and has absolutely turned it around. That person has no lasting impact, no legacy. They're just a pedophile footnote in an incredible story. I love that. Pedophile footnote. Love it. That's all he is. So lastly, I guess we're going to have a lot of people listening to this. Sorry. One in four girls, one in six boys that have been through 25% will have been through what you've gone through or similar.

Some of them may have told people and got help, some of them may still be dealing with it alone. So I'd just love to end with a bit of a message to those people, message to survivors, what you would say to them? Well firstly, I'm sorry and I'll just reiterate what I said earlier, it isn't your fault and you're believed and it can be alright. Like it will never be perfect And it can be all right. Like it will never be perfect, but it can be all right. And I suppose just one, one day at a time, and probably, you know, if you haven't shared it with someone, choose the right person in the right environment to share it with, it needs to be the safest person you know.

Yeah, sometimes people simplify and say just tell someone, if you've got a parent that's going to say that didn't happen, no way, it's my dad. You need someone with a track record of being safe and emotionally present. Yep. If you don't have that person, you have teachers, you have helplines, you have therapists. Yeah. There are loads of other places that you can go to and we just encourage you to seek help. I'm proud of you.

Thanks, Bob. Thanks so much for sharing. I imagine that was a bit of a tough one. Wasn't the easiest podcast, but. No, I really hope it's helped. If you've liked this one, leave a review. Give us a follow. I don't think I can, I can't say that on this one. No, we're just going to have to end.

We're just going to end. We hope that this has reached the ears of the person that needed it most. Thank you for being with us and we'll see you next week.