LATE BLOOMERS - RSD SURVIVAL GUIDE: 10 tips to overcome rejection sensitivity dysphoria

Episode Date: July 1, 2026

This week on LATE BLOOMERS, Rich and Rox are getting into RSD — rejection sensitivity dysphoria. The thing that's been quietly ruining lives for decades and most people don't even know it has a name.If you've ever spiralled over a text that says "we need to chat," catastrophised before walking on stage, or spent years replaying every embarrassing moment you've ever had, this one's for you. Rich brings the therapy science, Rox brings the Reddit, and between them they've got 10 tips that actually help.It gets honest. It gets funny. And it might just explain a lot.20% off Loop Earplugs: https://www.loopearplugs.com/adhdlove

RSD ruined my life for 40 years and I didn't even know what it was. If you find yourself spiraling if somebody asked for a chat or if somebody's going to give you work feedback or if you're being held back from following your dreams because you think you're going to be rejected. This episode is for you. Welcome to Late Bloomers where we are getting our lives together. Port you by our amazing sponsor loop earplugs. Oh my God. We are coming for RSD today.

and I'm so ready. It's estimated, so I learned recently that it's estimated that 100% of people that have got ADHD struggle with RSD. So I reckon this could resonate with people. Yeah. If you have ADHD, you probably have RSD. And also it's not only ADHD, anyone that is sensitive or struggles with mental illness, C PTSD, borderline personality disorder.

any of those types of things are probably going to come under this banner. So we're getting into it today. Yeah, we are. I think maybe the start point should be maybe an explanation of what RSD is, rather than to over-acronym people. RSD, ADHD, BPD, Cipidsti. It is rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is really like weird and clinical way of saying.

Super sensitive. Super sensitive, soul-crushing shame that comes. in moments when you feel you're being rejected. Or perceived rejection. Or perceived rejection. It overtakes your body and mind. It's like a shame virus. And you really spiral.

You can really spiral. You can ruminate. You lose touch with reality. And I think the saddest thing is it can hold you back from friendships, relationships, or following your dreams. Yeah. Because you think I'll be rejected so you choose not to do something. And that's why it's so important.

to talk about. And is that, so you started by saying it ruined your life. Would you say that they're the biggest reasons because it prevents, like what, what reason did it ruin your life? The constant rumination that I was in about everyone that hated me or how I was going to be rejected or what I'd done wrong, replaying embarrassing moments. I couldn't even have a normal text conversation with someone without spiraling into. And it's not. just feeling like you're being rejected it is but your body it would often be like panic anxiety shaking hands fear like it's visceral and i guess as well like to have a successful life whether that be objectively career wise or just good mental health um it's it's always talked about that you need

to be present in the moment and i guess with rSD is like you're never you're never present you're in this this fantasy It's funny, you know, we know people with ADHD use fantasy as a way to use their creativity and to escape. Funely enough, you're using your creativity, but in a very negative way, you're like creating the worst case scenario. But yeah, I think it's just so important to say it's not just a thought exercise. Oh, I think maybe I'm being rejected. It's a full body negative experience that at the time feels impossible to move through. However, you can move through it and you can tell me if I'm wrong here.

Okay. I don't know if I have it anymore or as much anymore compared to a few years ago. Well, I guess I'll answer that question with a question. You certainly don't display signs that you have it. specifically around people that you're close to and stuff. But I suppose the question is like, do you have the feeling at first and are you just better at managing it?

Or do you not have it at all in the first place? I have it so much less now with my core relationships. There are two places where I still have it, which is music, and my relationship with my dad. Yeah. So inviting my dad to the wedding. I was, I mean, I was physically sick with, with anxiety and panic.

I don't even know if that's RSD or just the state of our relationship. Music, big time. So whenever I play a gig, I expect nobody to show up. And that's like in my bones. It's definitely probably for a different episode, but I would say that music, music exert. that's the unhealthiest version of you. Like everything else in life,

I would say you are really strong, really like level headed, no anxiety, no imposter syndrome, like just confident and present and just, yeah, like a boss. But music,

music takes you back to probably pre-therapy quite often. Yeah, it does. And that's, you know, it's a really interesting place for me to notice RSD. and it's an area where I don't necessarily have command of it. So just as a very quick example, last weekend I was in Germany,

I was playing a festival, and I was stood backstage, and I just became obsessed with the idea that nobody was there. And my team were going to think, why have I even been booked? And people were going to laugh at me. And I asked like, I need to just go out on stage and give the best performance I can to nobody.

if there's one person there, I'll make eye contact with them. I hadn't even look around the curtain. Like I was catastrophizing how I was going to make it through and make myself look okay in front of my team and get through the 45 minutes. I hadn't even looked around the curtain. Well, it's interesting because as a direct comparison to that, we did a late bloomer's episode at Download, right?

And we thought there was going to be like five people there. Yeah. And we were fine with that. Turns out it was a packed tent. Loads of people turned up. But you were fine with that. I probably slightly was like, it's going to be no one there. Download festival aren't going to ever want to work with us.

This is going to be embarrassing. But I'm with you. The difference when we do stuff together, I've got my like autistic grounded in facts and reality. So it's harder to spiral and I'm away somewhere. Yeah. Okay. So look, I still suffer with it, but I'm telling you now it's way better. Yeah.

And I feel that we deserve to be. like as free of RSD as we can be because it really does hold you back and it's absolutely horrible. So what we've done in this episode, I've gone away and I've written down like the five reasons that relate to the therapy I'm in, the long term psychodynamic work that I really think has changed the game for me. Yeah. In feeling better. And I have gone away and really, researched our trusted friend Reddit with the five tips of how to overcome RSD. So this is like Reddit versus science. Logic versus emotion, much like our relationship.

There you go. Okay, so why don't we start with the first Reddit tip and then I'll hit you with the first therapy tip? Okay, number one, do a self-compassion break. So when you find yourself spiraling, I just take a step back. And I guess speak to yourself as if you were speaking to a third party. Because you would be great at giving advice, right, to someone else struggling with RSD. Oh, if you add RSD can be further from the truth.

There'd be no one better than me to talk you out of it. Okay, so self-compassion break. Let's go back to me backstage, German festival. Nobody's here. Panic attack. to lose my career, the team's going to be so embarrassed of me. Yeah. Self-compassion break, we just, like, stop. Is it just like a stop thinking those thoughts? Yeah, well, yeah, stop. And I guess what would you say, if it was somebody else

that you love and care for was the experience, what would you say? Let's say there is nobody here. You're still valuable and you're still brill and you're going home to a loving, like, it's going to be okay. No one's going to be embarrassed of you. Easy. Ah, okay. Yeah. Well, I'm not saying it's easy. Yeah, that'll do.

Just stop thinking it, lads. Okay. You ready for my number one? I am. This is going to sound so boring and like sciencey. It's attachment repair work. What? And secure attachments.

Obviously, we hear a lot on the internet about like attachment styles, but actually it is based on like reality in what happens in therapy. I remember reading this gorgeous thing that was like one to two years of really good therapy can fundamentally change someone's life, as can five years in a very secure long-term relationship, which is beautiful because not everyone has access to long-term therapy. So five years in a really healthy, loving relationship, can actually heal a lot of those deep attachment wounds. But like, you know, Captain logical as I am. Yeah.

That, how does that help? Oh, right. Yeah. So when I first went to therapy, I was a bag of nerves. I was convinced I was getting it wrong. I was going to be rejected by him. If I turned up one minute late, he was going to say never wanted to see me. My first year of therapy, I was like, are you ending therapy with me numerous times?

Because I was having RSD triggers. We didn't call it that. but within therapy. And I don't anymore. I rock up. I feel confident. I've learned to trust that he will be there. I won't be forgotten or rejected.

And over two years, I've built like a real healthy attachment with him. And throughout that experience of feeling what that feels like, you sort of show yourself that it's safe to be in the world and be attached to people. So we've got just so I don't misunderstand what we're doing.

As a tip, the tip is go to therapy. Or get with a partner and in five years you might be right. So I feel like your tips are going to be short term. Yeah. For like like a Band-Aid. And my tips are like long-term deep psychic change, which yes is going to take years. Fine. Okay.

That's cool. Number two? Yeah. I love this one. Go on. Realize that you're not that important. and reframe it. Wait a minute.

No, let me explain. So let's say it's a text message, like we need to chat or whatever, and you're like, oh my God, this person's going to, they hate me, they're going to end the friendship, they think that I'm terrible,

blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm saying they don't, you are centering yourself in that universe and you're not as important to them as you are to you. So they don't really think about you. Because they're thinking, About them?

About them. Okay, I was going to like tell you off of being a naughty boy with that one, but actually I agree. I remember a few years ago going to an Anne-Marie songwriting camp and the RSD was so bad that I ended up being sick in the toilet from nerves. And I remember turning up and there was like Anne-Marie and like 20 songwriters of which I was one. I couldn't even walk in the room everyone was meeting

so panicked I was like they're going to stare at me they're going to hate me I'm going to walk funny say the wrong thing I had to ring my friend like hello could you come and get me

so embarrassing walked in with my friend it felt like all eyes were on me Anne Marie's there no one cares but it's like old songwriter in a corner like Anne Marie's there so awkward

I went and like sat down. So I didn't have to like look at anyone or feel embarrassed. And then she came and sat next to me. I couldn't speak. I went mute. I couldn't speak. That is good advice for your music as well. Because you often think of music.

Everyone's going to hate me. This video doesn't connect. Everyone's going to like unfollow me and like never listen to a single song again. Like if someone watches a video, they'll just scroll to the next video. You're one of maybe 300 videos. They'll watch that day. don't care. Listen, lads, nobody cares.

Yeah. I feel like that is so good. Okay, my number two, oh, well, my number two, heal narcissistic vulnerabilities. Okay. What does that mean, then? What? So, I'm not going to understand a single one of yours.

I've just realized. That's fine. Yeah. I don't really understand them either. Narcissistic vulnerabilities. So online, people talk about narcissism. And it's always like this like enemy or this monster. But actually we're all on a narcissistic scale.

There's healthy versions of narcissism to sit down and do a podcast. Yeah. Shows a healthy version of narcissism. It's what allows you to show up, do things, accomplish things. And you kind of need a little bit of it. Well, and to be online, right? We make videos online that would form part of it as well. Yeah, but where it's kind of gone wrong in people where your world can collapse if you aren't seen or validated in a sort of nice way, it effectively means that you're like internal system for just being okay and self-soothing in a variety of different situations isn't there?

Ah, I think I understand this one. Go on. Is it very aligned too? and unfortunately it's why so many people in the music industry specifically suffer quite dramatically with their mental health. Is it like where their self-esteem is like directly aligned with how successful they are? Yeah. Right.

Yeah. So it's almost like narcissism in its realest sense. I'm going to use my creativity or some kind of talent or my humor to try and be liked. It's sad in a way. And if you are liked, it feels wonderful. And if you're rejected, it feels like the end of the world. Because you're desperately trying to just feel okay and enough. And that comes from being a kid who wasn't like validated in that really normal way.

Like, you know, if you fall over and you hurt your knee. And it's healthy to sort of hear, oh, you've hurt your knee, you'll be okay. But what often people heard is get up, stop crying. So you never learned to get love or get soothing from the parent or yourself. I'd be more worried if I put a hole in the knee. A hole in the knee. Of the trousers that I was wearing, usually school trousers. So in terms of healing this, again, it comes back to, look, having a happy home life that isn't related to

success or failure or rejection. And also if you are in long-term therapy with the great therapist, that relationship where you are seen and validated without having to perform, be light, be nice or be successful. And you just learn to be okay. Love it. Messy human you are. Right on to you.

Well, before I do my number three, let's chat about our sponsors. We love our sponsor. When you have ADHD or other types of neurodivergent, sometimes we can find ourselves being sensitive to sound. That might look like being out for dinner and hearing what they're talking about on another table. Rather than the person you're with, it might feel like going to a loud concert and feeling physical pain or discomfort because the music is too loud. It might just be not being able to sleep because there's a low hum in the room. That's what Loop Earplugs are for

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You can go to the show notes that are linked in this episode or to the link in our social media bios. Right, back to it. I love this one so deeply. My next sticky plaster, fact check. Oh. So obviously RSD is very much rooted in the emotional world rather than the logical, factual world.

So like what is it that's actually happened? And it would typically be somebody has. sent you a message to say we need to chat, which means they want to chat to you. And it could be good or bad. Yeah. But what RSD does is project the worst case scenario onto everything. So let's go back to me behind the curtain in Germany. Nobody's here.

My career's over. Everyone's going to laugh at me. Why don't you just... Yeah. Why don't you just check? Because then we're dealing with reality. And if no one's there, cool, we're going to be okay. as was the case

The tent was packed out I was like alright Here's the thing as well Right for that exact example Say you didn't want to peep through the tent Or you could just ask someone else To go and have a look Go and have a look

Let me know how many people are in the crowd If they came back And said one The anxiety would be gone You'd be like right okay cool I guess I'm performing to one person Like knowing the truth even if it's bad is always better than the imagined worst case scenario,

because you can deal with it. Yeah, okay, so fact check. So let's say, like a super common example, is someone saying they want to talk? It's like checking yourself, the only thing they've told me is they want to talk. Yeah. We don't need to write a novel about why that's them,

end in the friendship or telling me something bad I've done. Yeah. I like it. You used to get it with like bad reviews on books and stuff as well. You don't anymore, do you? I don't even read them anymore. Yeah. Well, we do.

Thanks for everyone that's left. No, no. I don't. You do. You go and read them and you'll tell me select pieces, but good reviews felt a little too good and bad reviews felt a little too bad. So I just keep myself chained up.

Right. You ready for my number three? I am ready, yeah. You can guess what it means. Train mentalization. I can't guess what that means. No, I'm sorry. No. So mentalisation is like the ability to understand my thoughts and feelings being separate from your thoughts and feelings and that we have a different experience and that mine don't relate to yours.

Yeah. So if you go into the middle of an RSD trigger, let's say my friend Kat says, Rux, I'd love to chat to you. RSD trigger says she's ending the friendship. She's figured something out. She's annoyed with me. I've done something. Mentalisation says, what's going on for Kat? Hmm.

Ah, she was finishing her psychology degree this month. I wonder if she's okay. Does she need help? You put the other person's life, facts, experience back on the table, make it less about you. Funnily enough. Quite linked to the narcissism one as well, I guess. Yeah.

And you're one of, what was it? You're not the important one. You're not that important. Yeah. Relationships are two people. There's more in the conversation. It's more in every single person has their own deeply intense, emotional, intellectual life. And it's like the ability to understand that in the moment.

Yeah. And it can be so, so useful. Mentalization, something you work on in therapy. It can take a long time to develop. But that skill acts as a dimmer switch because the moment I'm thinking about you and your life, I'm out of my own narrative, out of that own self-destructive thinking.

I mean, even outside of RSD, I would imagine that's an incredibly useful skill to have and needed when, like for us to, for example, because I see the world very differently to you. And my experience is always completely different to yours. It's a great way of explaining it. Mentalisation is if we're having an argument and you're shutting down, the ability for me to go, Rich is autistic, he's shutting down,

I can see the signs I'm going to suggest, yes, and time alone, I'm going to take the temperature down rather than, he's ignoring me. He's making it work like. Yeah, I like it. It's lovely. All right. My number four. Come on.

I might get some criticism for this one. Oh, okay. just do the scary thing anyway. So we keep using the same example, but just message them back. Cool, are you available now? Or just get on stage. Yeah, that's how you do it.

And I'm so envious of you to not have RSD. But I do agree with this one. Well, again, so many of these things are linked. but even if it's bad, it's better than thinking about the badness. Yeah. You train the muscle that every time you do the scary thing and you aren't annihilated and you exist through it, that it's going to be okay.

So if I go back to starting music again and putting videos on the internet and just how it was like torturous having to go through that. And I had to dress up as a different character to allow myself to even give it a go. Not every video did well and you feel the pain of rejection, but you survive and you're okay and then you go again.

Let's say you need to have a really difficult conversation with someone and you're ruminating on all the ways it could go wrong. Just do it. Like it's always better to just have the convo, send the text, send the email. And it's so scary, but you'll feel so much better when it's done. Well, not only that, right?

So you can't say this about everyone, but you specifically, even if it is bad, you're one of the most resilient people that I know. So although you'll be worrying about, what if the bad things happen, what if the bad things happen, even if the bad things do happen,

you like switch on. You're like, right, what do I do next? How do I get through? What's next? So ADHD people are actually great in a crisis. So if the crisis becomes real, we're going to be better, what we're terrible at is getting lost in our fantasies, our RSD, the rumination, the worst case

scenario. So yeah, get stuck in to the scale of the thing. Just do it. Yeah. Right. You ready for my number four? I am, yeah. Let's see what you think it means.

Integrate split object representations. Oh, my God. I don't know. You need a degree to understand these. So it's when RSD hits, we see the. The other person becomes a bully, a monster. They hate us, our enemy. We forget their humanity.

It's kind of like black and white thinking, all or nothing thinking they either hate me or love me. And when there's an RSD trigger, somebody becomes all bad, scary out to destroy us, to reject us. So it's learning and understanding that people can be gray. People can be nuanced. No, very rarely is somebody, all good or all bad.

My challenge on this particular one is I reckon out of everything that you've said, this is the one that you still maybe struggle with, with the all or nothing thing. Yeah. Someone's good or they're bad. Yep. A hundred percent,

especially if I'm in a disagreement, it's very easy for it to become all-consuming. And for me to forget the nuance or the humanity. it's something I'm still working on. But like if someone does something horrible to me, really nasty, I can, you are really,

you are really nasty and you can forget the other things in their life. I think it's quite human to think like that. I mean, yeah, it's certainly, if it's not human, it's very ADHD. Yeah, we are all or nothing. It can be hobbies.

It can be people. we're very like all or nothing. Because I think I naturally would be devil's advocate. I would I would remember the good things about someone. Yeah, you can always kind of see the logic and kind of call me back to reality, which is really good. But this is the posh way of saying it's split objects. So you're splitting things into good and bad.

So it's easier to understand. Again, it's all from childhood that's just like innate. sense of, and it might not even be a real memory, but what your body remembers being screamed at or hit or shamed or left alone as a young person, it's that same emotion that comes back up. It's like a deep fear. That person's the big, angry devil, what you would have felt like being hit maybe or, or screamed at so it's just understanding that we're all wonky adults, we're all grey, we can all be good and bad. And to accept that somebody might not like you in a moment or somebody might speak to you a bit rudely, but also care about you.

Yeah. And understanding the interplay between those different things. Okay. You ready for my final one? I'm ready. Externalise the RSD. So look at the RSD as RSD, like, so you logically understand what's happening. Again, I know that this is easier said than actually done when you're like in the middle of it.

but to try and look down on the situation and the RST, a bit like looking down on the ADHD when you lose your wallet rather than thinking you're a terrible, useless human being. It's like, I've got ADHD. So therefore that's why I've lost this. I love that, actually. I do externalise my ADHD a lot.

And it just helps put a bit of space between you and what is unbearably shameful, even though it's not losing a wallet, being late, getting on the wrong train, the ability to just be like, oh, ADHD is ADHDing, allows me not to take on useless loser energy that I lived under for so long. Well, it also helps with, as it does externalised in ADHD, it helps the other person as well. So like for me, I externalise your ADHD because if I didn't, we would argue all the time about the clothes all over the floor.

or whatever, forgetting things. And with RSD, it's horrible to say, but it's easy for the other person to think, oh my God, you're so sensitive, like, why, like, you're so anxious, you're becoming too much. Yeah. Whereas if you externalise it, it's like,

oh, this is what's happening here. There's an RSD trigger. Something's going on. How can we work with it? I love that, actually. And I do think that that would be quite helpful in the moment just to recognize our RRRRRR. SD's kicking off here. Right. Yeah. Just that. Just this is RSD not me. Yeah.

Helps you to have a little bit of space between you and something troubling. I love it. Love it. Well done, Reddit. Okay, my final one, you ready? I'm always ready. Soften your super ego. Soften your super ego. No, go on. So your super ego, kind of comes from a Freudian idea, is kind of like the head teacher, the one that keeps you on track and keeps you doing the right thing. And for people with ADHD, often they have a very, very, very harsh super ego. The internal critic. Why have we got such a harsh internal critic?

We grew up being told too loud, too much, sit down, can't focus, naughty, bad. So the voices that we heard as a kid, we internalised and we just kept playing it. Right. So we effectively play, we become an echo of the early criticisms and we live under it forever. So it's why an ADHD person might suffer with low self-esteem, a lot of negative self-talk. You weren't born with that. You weren't born thinking, I'm too much, I'm too loud, I'm embarrassing. You learned it and then you just kept playing the record. Fascinating. Right. So in order to change your super ego or that internal critic,

you have to find a different voice. And that starts by labelling the voice, understanding when you say, I hate myself, they hate them, that it's not you, that it's not real, that you've learned that, that it's an echo. And to try and find within that a different voice, can you access your kind voice, your adult voice? in that moment and speak yourself in a kind of way, I think it can take a really long time, years, to undo all of that shame that's going to feel like your personality. Yeah.

But you can do it. And actually, if I think of the biggest change in my life that nobody sees, but it's probably saved my life, it's what's going on in here. Because most of the time now... Here being your head. Oh, sorry, my head, yeah. Most of the time is quite a lovely person.

place. It's quite a vibe. It's quite fun. There's self-compassion. There's humor. Whereas it used to be keeping score of all the ways I was messing up. And when I did, it would be very loud. And I think, you know, today's episode broadly, I think both tips, both sets of tips are really valuable. One might help you get through in that moment and the other is a real long-term approach around healing sustainably, I guess. Yeah. It's both. valid. We need stuff. We need the band-aids for today. And we also need to have hope that we can move through and we can heal this and we can live relatively RSD-free. There you go. This has been the late bloomer's podcast. I hope that you liked it. If you didn't, please don't tell me,

because I'll jump off a cliff. Joke. Jake. If you have liked it, give us a like, a like, a subscribe, a follow. And as always, we hope and cannot wait to see you next week. Thank you.