LATE BLOOMERS - STOP HATING YOURSELF: Why your worst enemy might live in your own head

Episode Date: May 7, 2025

In this episode of LATE BLOOMERS, Rich and Rox dive deep into the quiet epidemic of self-hatred. We explore where it really comes from: childhood trauma, rejection, bullying, addiction, neurodivergence, and the survival strategies we learned just to make it through. Whether it's self-sabotage, choosing the wrong people, or never feeling good enough, self-hate often hides in plain sight. We share our own stories—gambling addiction, self-harm, broken relationships, and shame—and the long, messy road toward finally learning to treat ourselves with compassion. If you’ve ever struggled with that voice in your head that says you’re not enough, this is the episode you need. We also break down some practical ways to start changing the script: how to recognise your inner critic, track your self-talk, accept compliments without deflecting, and understand that self-hatred is something you learned—which means it’s something you can unlearn. 

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on select Toyo tires. Like Toyo's open country family of tires. Find your pro and your local Tread Experts. From tires to auto repair, we're always there. TreadExperts.ca. Today we are talking about how to stop hating yourself. A nice cheerful one then for the day. Hopefully cheerful at the end.

We are going to talk about where self-hatred comes from, what it actually looks like in adulthood and then some practical ways to actually start treating yourself a little bit better. This is Late Bloomers. Well, we are getting our lives together... ...eventually. So have you been a big self-hater? Occasionally, yeah. What was your biggest moment you think of like self-hating or a time in your life when

you hated yourself the most? That's well easy to answer. Oh, go on. Yeah. So it was like pinnacle addictions, like peak addictions. So to set the scene, you know, I was drinking too much, but my biggest one was gambling. And why I hated myself was a couple of reasons. One, I didn't have any control. Like I certainly felt like I didn't have any control.

Like every night I'd be like, I need to stop gambling. So I logically knew I needed to stop. And then as soon as I woke up, I picked my phone up and started spinning slots. It was like something I didn't, it was like I didn't have a choice, which was really, really difficult, which caused a lot of hate towards myself as to why can't I just stop this. But more deeper than that, it was just some of my actions. So I was a dad of two at the time. And my youngest daughter was a new baby. So, you know, I was waking up in the middle of the night, spinning slots whilst changing her nappy. And I was occasionally doing it while she was in the back of the car, which that's the biggest one for me. It's like, wow, I'm such a horrible, disgusting human being. I'm putting actual

lives at risk with this addiction. My life and more importantly, my daughter's life, it caused all sorts of hate towards myself. What about you? It's probably less one thing that you can sort of say gambling. It's more a period of time, which was my late 20s, early 30s, probably the 10 years before I got sober. Just did not have my life together. Terrible credit rating, couldn't keep a relationship, couldn't keep a job, failing at everything I ever tried. And I blamed myself, I hated myself, I thought I was scum of the earth. And actually I kind of had all of the evidence to back up that thought as well. So yeah, just thought I was the worst person alive, spoke to myself horrendously, had problems with self harm. That's like a real clear sign you hate yourself

because you're actually hurting yourself. And yeah, I think I've struggled with self hate for just the longest time, but it is a bit better now. I think I'm pretty vibing with myself. How about you? I'd say it was a lot better than a bit better. For me? Yeah. Oh, right. Yeah. For both of us, actually. I don't hate myself.

You don't hate yourself. Even when you look back at the gambling times, you're not like I, you don't hate that person anymore. No. That's so cute. I don't hate me in the basement flat, self-harming or drugs, I just needed a bit of love and a bit of guidance. Didn't deserve to be hated. So we're going to kind of talk about a few things like where it comes from and what it looks like and how to help. So can you kind of start us off with where does self-hatred actually come from? Well, that's, I guess, a fairly complex layered answer to give, because of course, it's going to be different for many people.

Mine was quite event-driven, yours was quite sort of general-driven, but I guess broadly there's some things that could be looked at. So trauma is a big one, right? Like, if you've suffered something that, you know, if I think about my trauma, a lot of that sort of ended up me blaming myself and all of a sudden you become the bad guy in your story. So yours was being abused as a young child by a family member. And that experience, yeah, you blamed yourself for a long time. Yeah.

And even, you know, it can be more complex than that because of that happening is what led me to gambling and drinking and the escapism. So it's like, once you start understanding and putting the pieces together, that actually it might not be as overtly obvious that this traumatic event is why I hate myself. It's like, it can be this traumatic event has led to why I do this, which is undesirable behaviours. That is so true. And I think that's the same for me. Saying I hated myself and I was in debt, didn't have a stable place to live,

didn't have a stable relationship, failing at music. That was kind of the evidence for why I hated myself. But how I got there was really my mum dying, not having any support through that. So it does often, you can trace it back to a traumatic event when life got really hard and we were both quite alone going through those big things. As those childhoods creeping up at you again. You can't shift them, can you? You just can't shift them. But I think it's so important to understand that no one is born self-hating. No baby hates himself, do they?

No. You learn it. And that's quite sad. You learn to hate yourself and very often you'll be doing an action trying to help yourself get through. Yeah. Mine drinking or yours gambling and you end up hating yourself for that action. But that action was just trying to make yourself feel okay and get through. Next I've got rejection. Being rejected. Being rejected. Being rejected. Yeah, which I guess could be another type of trauma. But if you're rejected, let's

say by a parent or you're abandoned by a parent, I know, I hope you don't mind me saying this, your divorce with Sears mum hit Sears so hard. Even though you were still in their life, you had them every weekend, their story was still that they lost their hero, their favourite person. Sears dealt with a lot of self-hatred. So even though your intention would never have been to put that in Sears, their sort of interpretation was that they were in a way like rejected by you. Yeah, definitely. And quite often with kids, whether it be divorces, separations, they you know, often start questioning, is it something to do with me or why have they left me? And of course that's not always the case, but that's humans, isn't it? We're a complex set of flesh and meat and wiring.

And then, you know, obviously you can be rejected or feel that you've been rejected by a parent, which I think when you're a kid, you see your parents as just heroes. You idolise them, they are the perfect human, they are what we're trying to be like, and they know how to and how not to love. You don't understand that they've got their own history, their own trauma, that they're bringing stuff in. So as a kid, if your parent rejects you, let's just say on a simple level that they hate it when you cry and they tell you to go up to your room, they don't want to see it. So your core emotional self is rejected. You don't understand as a kid, you're never going to go, oh, they find it tough to deal

with because their parent couldn't do it. That's right. Nor should you have to. As a kid, you just go, I'm wrong for crying. Yeah. And I need to never cry again, so I can be loved and be safe. Yeah. So it's like being rejected for crying or saying something or feeling a certain way, that can mess you up for life.

Well, and again, then it just translates into, you know, that was quite deep, but it can also be more surface level if you don't get into a sports team or don't get the job that you applied for, it can hit really hard and rather than be a healthy, I'm a little bit sad about this, it's like, I'm so stupid, I should have done this, of course I didn't get the job, rubbish or whatever, like it can just translate in so many different ways. So true, like bad things, we're always going to have bad things. We're always going to be rejected. That's just life. It's how it works. It's how it lands. Does it land as, oh, that hurts,

but I'll get through it. Or does it land as, of course, I've been rejected. I'm awful. I'll never recover. What else have you got? So bullying and I guess any sort of form of bullying or abusive relationships. Yeah, I suppose being around safe people is hugely important for self-esteem and self-worth because often, you know, I've heard I'm not an expert in this topic, but if you're with someone that mistreats you and stuff and you stay, you can start helping yourself, hating yourself for that. And like, what's wrong with me? They, it must be me, the reason that people are acting like this.

I think that is such a huge one. And I've definitely been in that situation where I've had someone, you know, screaming, shouting, silent treatment, threats, what I would describe as an abusive relationship. It was certainly an unhealthy relationship, but I never hated that person. A person that was screaming and shouting and threatening. I developed even more self hatred. Yeah. Which isn't that absolutely mad, but it's actually really common. And of course, yet again, it comes from childhood where you can't stop idolizing a parent. Let's say you have a parent that is a bit

abusive to you, you have to split that off and ignore that they're not very nice because you need that attachment, you need that connection. So you just pretend like it's not there. And that then trains you to do that with everyone else. So with my dad, he was my hero, all the affairs, the shouting, forget that, he's my hero. So when I met people in adult life, I would idolise them and I would refuse to see the wrong, the horrible qualities. It's so, so, so sad. I was in that relationship for years and I ended up disgusted at myself. It's also really important to say that very often, if you don't know how to be angry at or hate someone else where you should be hating, like someone's abusing you, you should hate that person and you should

be on your way. But if you don't have the skill to be angry, to really feel that and protect yourself, all of the anger, if someone's screaming at you, threatening you, whether it's parent when you're young or a shadow of this happening in your adult life, if you can't defend yourself and you can't express the hatred that you're going to feel towards them, it turns inwards because it has to go somewhere. So often, like a child that's been really hurt or bullied by a parent, they don't hate the parent. They hate themselves. And you take that into other relationships. So there's a really cool quote that's like, are you actually

depressed or are you just hanging around with assholes? It's so important. It's like, if you are someone that is horrible to yourself, hates yourself, low self-esteem, horrible voice in your head. Are you hanging around with people that are doing the silent treatment, shouting at you, shaming you? Well, actually, you know, we've talked about childhood and we've talked about past and where hating yourself can come from. One sort of glaringly obvious, which I'm going to hand over to you to maybe talk about, but being neurodivergent.

When we went and done loads of talks, the amount of low self-esteem, self-hatred was rife in the neurodivergent community. Yeah, we went and did a tour last year and we asked people a question, which is what's a core belief about yourself? And we did about five events and every single event, the two same words, it was crazy, the two same words came up, by far the most popular words that neurodivergent people thought about themselves and they thought they were useless and lazy. Yeah, if that's not self hatred, I don't know what is.

Useless and lazy. Yeah. So I think anyone, of course, can hate themselves. And if you've been through trauma, if you've had a parent that was a bully or abusive to you in any way, but being neurodivergent does set you up for it because you are a bit different in the world. You don't play by the rules. You aren't quietly and politely getting on with it, living up to standards, doing well in school, going to college, getting a job, getting married, getting a house. You're not on the normal timeline. So there's all these other reasons

for other people to judge you. Get a normal job, what's wrong with you? Try harder. Why can't you just have a good relation? Why can't you just save money? Everyone else is judging you, you're judging yourself so it piles on top of it. But not just judging you, they're criticising you more. You would have grown up to far more criticism than most other people because you do things differently or not quite right or struggle

with things that are deemed to not need a struggle. So it's like you get a double dose of self-hatred and I think a huge part of the self-hatred for me with ADHD is I failed to do basic things and I tried so hard. I tried so hard to be clean. I tried so hard to do admin. I tried so hard to hold down a job and I just kept failing, failing, failing because I didn't know there was something else going on. The only thing I could do is blame myself and hate myself. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get my life together? It's really sad. Now obviously so much of that, where it comes from is talking about childhood, being neurodivergent, being abused, having a parent that neglected or rejected you. But the thing is, the impact of going through that lasts a lifetime. And actually, when you're an adult, if you're an adult that hates themselves, there's some really specific

things that we're going to see. So I'm just going to share with you what we might be looking for. Because I don't think if I went back to my 20s, if someone asked me do you hate yourself, I don't think I would have said yes. I don't think I knew, but my behaviours and my choices gave me away. So if you're listening to this podcast, it's just a few things to be aware of. So the first one in how self-hatred shows up in adulthood is self-sabotage. And it's a really difficult one to spot. So for me that was always leaving relationships, always showing up late to work, leaving work, doing things that I thought was just following what I wanted. But it's like a subconscious

pattern of making your life more difficult. The problem with subconscious, you don't know it's happening. Someone could even tell you it's happening and you still won't see it. And like from the outside, you could just perceive that person to be like a little bit unlucky, maybe. Oh, a hundred percent. It's always things are always going wrong. They're always having bad relationships, bad choices in work. But it's almost like we're driven by this self-hatred to make a life that kind of justifies it. I've got friends now, I still see it now, a friend of mine who is in music and they are constantly changing manager, they're constantly changing direction. It's always someone else's fault. They're struggling with addiction.

They're struggling with social media. And every time they get an amazing opportunity, they change their mind. Oh, actually, this is wrong. I don't like this manager. Oh, actually. And they self-sabotage themselves from ever getting to the next level. Then of course, on a deep level, they're struggling with self-worth and self-hatred. But when you don't know it, you'll just keep messing up your life at the last moment. Mason Higgins Well, I think knowledge is so powerful, isn't it? Because when you don't know it, you literally can't do anything about it until you know, oh, this is why I'm doing this. This might be the reason for it.

You can't really make change. You can't do anything. You have to recognise, and I can see that in myself. Only a couple of years ago, I released my first EP as Rory. I was starting to do music again in my late thirties. EP as Rory. I was starting to do music again in my late thirties and I did an EP called Good Die Young, which now looking back, it was a few years ago, I'm quite pleased with it. There's some quite good songs on there. I sing them on tour. I tried to sell sabotage. I tried to cancel and blow it all up. The release. And I tried to throw it away. I got convinced in my own head it was not good enough and awful. And I was going to do serious damage to my future career if I release this EP. How crazy is that? So that was my self-sabotage programming. And I still

have it. Every time I go to create music, There's a voice in my head saying, this is rubbish. This isn't good enough. But I now know it's not me. I'm like, oh baby, you hit a self-sabotage. I'm going to release it anyway. So just knowing, knowing that self-sabotage is there is important. Next one is that you can't take compliments. How right.

And you used to be terrible at this. You would switch a compliment into like a joke didn't you? Yes. Like, oh that song's really good. Yeah. If you're deaf, like do you know what I mean? Like the stuff like that. I would say just horrible. Just horrible. And like, oh yeah, for someone that's 40 or if you hate sad songs. Yeah. horrible and like, oh yeah, for someone that's 40 or if you hate sad songs, I could never have someone say, well done or anything nice about me whatsoever. I would have to push

it away because it can't be true. Cause either you're lying to me or you're trying to manipulate me. I could never accept it as real. So if you're struggling to take compliments, it's a really big kind of sign that you're struggling with self-hatred. Because you just can't believe it. I have this thing now, I call it breathe and receive. Okay. Do you still find it tough then? Like naturally? No, I'm way better now. I actually know if someone's like, oh, that song's really good. I go, oh, thanks so much. Normal reaction. Yeah.

But for a while I had to do breathe and receive. Let's say someone says that's a good song and my instinct is, oh, no, it's not. Be quiet. But I'll be like, they think it's a good song. I don't want to argue with them. Thanks so much. Yeah. So I had to put like a sort of pause in between saying no. So crazy.

It's clever though, isn't it? Little life hacks. Yeah. But that's also compliments, you know, not just about work. From partners, from friends saying nice things. Oh babe, you get really happy when I say like, well done for cleaning the kitchen and stuff like that. You go like, yes, thanks very much. Whereas back in the day, you might've been like, well, I only clean the kitchen. Nice, anyone can do it. I love compliments. If someone sees you and validates you and thinks you're great, we should all be allowed to be celebrated for the little things as well as the big things. But if

you're struggling with it, you might be struggling with self-hate. Attracting and choosing unhealthy relationships. Okay. So again, you aren't going to be aware. It isn't like I hate myself, so I'm going to choose someone that's emotionally unavailable or bad for me. It ain't that simple. It's subconscious. You won't be aware of it.

Like loving the red flags. Yeah. Like loving the red flags, like feeling maybe you need to save someone or convince someone to love you or all of these unhealthy dynamics that is going to feel like love and excitement to you. but it is driven by self hatred. I think we've both probably chosen and stayed in relationships that weren't healthy. And there probably was an element of like self hatred to doing that. So for me, I would very often choose someone that needed saving. I've dated a lot of addicts, I'm an addict myself, but if I could fix their addiction,

then everything will be okay. I've chased after a lot of unavailable people feeling like the love of my life. I need to convince them to realize that I'm the love of their lives. Like it's all just horrible and you're a bit different. Yeah. Mine isn't like being with the wrong person doesn't necessarily mean they're bad people. It just means like, if you think about, you know, we're talking about self-hatred, I was just, I got, they weren't right. You know, you know, first marriage, I got married too young. The second marriage, I needed to work on me rather than another marriage.

You know, I was in the middle of addictions and gambling and stuff like that. But the thing that can probably resonate into, you know, self-worth, self-value is you stay in the relationships, even though you know deep down they're right. Because it's like, oh, this is life now. Like this, I guess, is me. This is a relationship I was in and I'm not, you sort of feel a bit powerless. Yeah, that's so interesting. So you probably stayed a lot longer. Yeah. So yeah, kind of looking at the relationships that we choose, friendships and romantic relationships, as a sort of reflection of how we feel about ourselves. And just noticing, are you going for addicts, people that need saving? Are you forcing yourself to stay somewhere that

you're really quite deeply unhappy? Do you have a friend where the balance of powers really often they give you anxiety? Like just notice, notice the people that you're choosing and whether it's healthy. And the next one is- Oh there's more? How many more have you got? Just two more. It's like it's over apologizing and people pleasing. So basically just apologizing for your whole existence. people pleasing. So basically just apologizing for your whole existence. Yeah. You don't need to say any more than that. That's something that you used to do loads, isn't it? You don't now. No, sorry I'm here. Sorry I'm late. Sorry I've upset you. Sorry I've done something wrong. Sorry I was too loud. Sorry I'm late is a valid one. Oh yeah, because I am often late.

If you are late, then you should apologize for that. But there's like such a difference between, oh, sorry, I'm late, missed the train. And I'm so sorry, I'm late. I can't believe I've done it again. This is like horrendous. The self-punishment that comes with it. And it's basically just thinking literally everything is your fault. If someone else is in a bad mood, you'll apologize.

If someone bumps into you, you'll apologize. Yeah. Again, just you hate yourself. I saw a clip. It was another podcast I listened to. I saw a clip and he was talking about, he was just standing there and he was talking about it being a British thing, but maybe it's more to this. And you were in someone's way and you moved and he was like, oh, sorry. And he was like, break that down. I'm just literally apologizing for existing. Like, why am I saying sorry to someone? I've moved out of their way. That's enough.

I think that is so British though, because everyone does that. It always makes me laugh when you're though, because everyone does that. It always makes me laugh when you're in a train station and sort of walking past and, sorry, sorry, and it's the whispered, sorry, sorry. Yeah, but I don't do it. Oh, well. Yeah, but I don't. I'll move out of the way, but I won't say it. But you hear it loads. Oh, you do hear it loads. I'm so sorry. What are you sorry for? Are they the self-haters?

Maybe. Maybe they are. Okay, so that's some of the ways it can show up in adulthood. I relate so hard to literally every single one of those. Yeah. So it's just trying to use your own life as evidence for something you may not be aware of. It's like laboratory evidence. If you can't take compliments, if you find yourself choosing people that you need to save or who aren't emotionally available, and if you find yourself self-sabotaging on your own dreams, just wondering whether you might be dealing with not liking yourself very much.

So let's talk about how it can actually help. There's been quite a deep episode. Yeah, we can't leave you there. Just self-hate. And next week. And by the way, we don't hate ourselves anymore, right? And I think I'm the sort of poster kid for hating yourself. Self-sabotage, can't take compliments, unhealthy relationships, over apologizing. That was my life for years and years and years and I'm not there anymore.

I think before we get into like what actually helps, I do just want to say the most important thing is time. No one who is fully in this pattern is going to listen to this episode and then go, oh, I love myself now. Of course not. It is an entrenched pattern. It's how you live. You don't know any other way. It is going to take hard work and time. And I'm probably talking a year, two years. Yeah. That's brutal. Like I wish I could say it could go away overnight, but you don't go from self-hating to self-loving overnight. Definitely not. But you've got to start somewhere. You've got to start somewhere. So where are we going to start? What actually helps us from stopping hating ourselves? Well,

I've only got one thing to say. Obviously, go to therapy, unpack childhood trauma, all of that sort of stuff. All the normal jazz that we always bang on about. The actual physical tip is, if you think about when you hate yourself and why you make these decisions, everyone's got that little voice in their head, haven't they? And self-criticism is where I would start with. So like, if you do something wrong, I'm so stupid or I'm late. I'm like, oh, I'm such an idiot. Why didn't I do this? Why didn't I do that? Like, the first port of call is recognizing when you're doing that. And I reckon if you just did that for a day, you'd be, for those that do struggle with this, you would be surprised

at how you speak to yourself? I think that is like the biggest hack is to start noticing your inner monologue. Because I didn't know that mine was actually just 24 seven toxic, abusive self relationship. Well, we sit here and talk, you know, often on multiple episodes about being with safe people and not abusive and stuff like that. If you literally was to write down or record out loud what you were saying about yourself when every little mistake was made or if anything went wrong and blaming yourself, I'm so stupid, I'm not such an idiot.

It would be such a toxic relationship, wouldn't it? Like it would be like, if you saw it in real life between two actual humans, you'd be like, get out of there. This person is treating you disgustingly. Oh my good god. Sorry, but that's just blowing my mind. 100%. And I actually remember, I was scrolling through my old Instagram account from years ago recently, something to do with music. I was trying to find an old video and I saw an Instagram story from, I don't know, six, seven years ago maybe. I'd written, disgusting, fat, horrible, effing failure. Just a few of the lovely things I say to myself on a daily basis. Laugh out loud. And I read it and I was like, sorry,

what? Because I'm so far away from that now. If you had a partner that was saying that about you. Disgusting, fat, loser. It would be an abusive relationship. So I was in an abusive relationship with my own thoughts for a very long time. And so many of us are and we don't realize. Well, and that's what's important, right? So what we can't sit here and say is just like, don't do that anymore because it will be entrenched. Just be nice to yourself in your own head. magical fix. Yeah, but like as a, you know, test, just see how many times you do it in a day. Just monitor it, like maybe even have a little...

So what? Monitor how many times you are basically bullying yourself in your own head. And then naturally that is going to make you one, acknowledge it, one, understand it, and then two, you go from there. That's your start point. I also think so many of us don't realise we're doing it because it's so normal. And one moment that was pretty crazy for me was understanding that constant vitriol in my own head wasn't my voice. It was put there by someone else. And it's really understanding whose voice is that. For many people, it might be an over critical parent. It's never good enough. You're not good enough. Try harder. Awful. It might be a bully, an abusive relationship. It's somebody else's voice. It could be a collection of bullies,

teachers, and abusive parent. And you're just replaying their words over and over and over, reliving the pain, reliving the abuse and not even knowing that you're doing it to yourself. So it's not only like noticing when you're bullying yourself, it's also going, that's not my voice. You haven't had that since a baby. You've learned that from someone and you're just echoing it. It's really gross, isn't it? Because it means you could get away from an abusive person, but you never actually do get away because you're still...

Well, it's just that if you're with... And also like in real life, if you're with somebody that's not very nice or treating you badly. If you talk to yourself like that, although you know it's not right, it feels like home. It doesn't, it feels like it's... How can you call someone out for being horrible or abusive to you? If you're doing it to yourself. I think it's the number one that you have to start with your own internal conversation.

And that's a really simple thing. We're not going to fix self-sabotage, unhealthy relationships, over apologising overnight, but you absolutely can notice if you knock something over, are you going, you stupid effing idiot? Or are you just going, oh, oops. Like let's start getting real. in loads of the like, woke, annoying circles, people talk about re-parenting and it makes me cringe and I don't like it. However, that's like what you're doing. It's stopping an abusive parental voice in your head and replacing it with a kind one. So if you do something wrong, it's okay. It's not the end of the world. We can sort it out. And I think also, don't hate how you're trying to fix the self hate. Because self hating people

are going to notice and then be like, why can't I fix it? Even this I'm useless. Let's just chill. And it's also not going to happen overnight. It's not going to happen overnight. And it's going to happen overnight and it's going to take time. And also if you've hated yourself your whole life, self-love is going to feel like arrogance and boundaries is going to feel like aggression. So it's going to take time. So yeah, just start small, start with the voice in your own head. And just one final thing, which is a total random one. And this won't be for everyone. So like, please take it with a massive pinch of salt.

One of the best things I've done for self-love is getting a dog. That is not an answer. No, but it is because he loves me every day, unconditional. He's joyful. He's cuddly, he's happy. And it does change you like on an internal level. Don't do it guys, your freedom's gone. The puppy days were tough.

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Go to ritual.com slash podcast, and for a limited time, get 40% off your first month. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Based on net sales from industry data including Nielsen IQ, Stackline, and Numerator as of Q4 2024 in Top 5 Products.