LATE BLOOMERS - THE 5 NEURODIVERGENT LOVE LANGUAGES: ADHD, autism, and why a clean kitchen is romantic

Episode Date: February 18, 2026

In this episode, we’re breaking down the 5 neurodivergent love languages — and no, they’re not about flowers or candlelit dinners. For ADHD and autistic brains, real romance often looks like doing the dishes, booking appointments, or taking the hard stuff off your partner’s plate. We talk about handling life admin, decoding confusing social situations, supporting each other’s special interests, and why creating calm (yes, including a clean kitchen) can be more powerful than chemistry. It’s practical, honest, and surprisingly life-changing.We also share our favourite: building a “weird world” together. A relationship where you don’t have to mask, pretend, or fit in — just feel safe, understood, and loved exactly as you are. 💛20% OFF LOOP: https://www.loopearplugs.com/pages/lp-adhdlove

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will give away a free product that week. I love this. It's as crazy as the Kalani upside down sign at the Berry store. Even crazier? Our price is upside down too. Don't miss out at Kalani Kitchen and Bath. You've heard of the five love languages, but have you heard of the five neurodivergent love languages? We're not going to be talking about rose petals or candlelit baths,

but how the most romantic things you might be doing for someone is doing the dishes or letting them engage in their special interest. Welcome to late bloomers, where we are getting our lives together. Eventually, brought to you by the incredible loop earplugs. So, I thought you were going to be going to be able to be able to. I thought you were going to say candlelit dinner. Did I not? Candlelit bath.

But look, they work. You have candlelit baths, don't you? I do, yeah. I absolutely do. So look, five love languages. They're great. We've all done the quiz. But they don't always account for the old neurodivergent brains among us.

Definitely not. So we are coming at this from a kind of ADHD autistic dream team and how we show each other love. So I'm going to go through the five neurodivergent. I need like a code word for that because it's too long to keep saying. ND. Endy. Oh. Endy. Like ENDY. The ND. Or just N-D. Not like Endy. It's more like cute. Well, it sounds the same. So however you spell it.

These are the NDie love languages. Oh my God. So cute. And we're going to explain how they apply to me and how they apply to you. Okay. Let's do it. I'm ready. Number one. Wait, who's going to go first? Am I going to say how it applies to me or what? How are we going to do this? Yeah, you can go first.

All right, fine. Number one, handling the hard stuff. Oh my God. Right. My mind, sorry. My mind went to the gutter then. Apologies to everybody for what I was thinking. But you can't control what you think.

Anyway, I presume you're talking about like making doctors appointments and stuff. For me. For you, yeah. Yes. And like for me, for me handling the hard stuff, I guess would be, I guess, more creative and maybe even peopling a little bit. You take a lot of that off me. Oh, yeah. Meeting strangers and stuff.

Like, I'm not very... Yeah, so let's break it down because it's actually so different. The hard stuff for you. I mean, you've, like, ruined this for me now. So the hard stuff for me is making a doctor's appointment, making a phone call, sorting out my passport. So I can remember times when like I've lost my wallet and you've reordered my provisional driver's license. Laundry as well or not? The daily stuff doing the laundry, doing a lot of the cooking admin.

But it's also the things that are specifically only mine. and you'll say, oh, I've booked that doctor's appointment for you. Yeah. And it means the absolute, like, I cannot explain how loved I feel when you take something that for me is really, really, really hard on my plate. And you do it and then just say, I've reordered that passport. I've booked that appointment. I've booked your smear test last year. You did.

Yeah. So that's like, that's better than rose petals along the. floor like that'll be that's the one is it i mean i'd been procrastinating that for so so so so long and so yeah that to me it's practical administrative support and that doesn't sound romantic but it's so is i feel so loved when something that i struggle with is taken off my plate so the hard stuff for you you mentioned me and people in the street i like i i i'm so bad at it. I try really hard to smile and be engaging and stuff. But like, look, like, I love our fans, followers. And I love that they stop us. I love to say, they say thank you.

But like, be, just to be clear, I'm socially awkward. Like, I find that difficult, especially if I'm going somewhere as well. It's like, oh, my God, you've disrupted my rhythm. What am I going do now. Or I have to smile. I have to say these things. You take all of that off me. And to be fair, when I'm on my own, they don't usually talk to me. Maybe it's my face. But do you think it feels the same? Like if we're walking down the street and someone stops you, and I step in and just take it and chat and give a hug. Yeah. I love it. Do you? Yeah. Like, I dread. Like sometimes, and you haven't always got the energy to do it, right? Sometimes you're like, pay them, I'm going to need a little bit of support with the people in because I'm not feeling

myself. That fills me with terror. I'm like, right, please don't stop us anyone. That's like you saying, I need some help with the laundry. Yeah. I'll step up, I'll do it, but it fills you with dread. And then sort of creative stuff. Yeah, like you take the lead with the books, with the ideas. Like I can, I can put the structure in place, but I can, I mean, I suppose I'm doing myself a bit of a disson. service because I think about the content that goes on all of my platforms. I do all of that. But it's certainly not as creative as our stuff. It's just me talking to the camera. I love that, though. It's taking something off the other person's plate that you might find

easy to do. Yeah. And means the world to that. I will keep smiling and hugging strangers. If you keep booking my doctor's appointment, that is a great. But this is crazy, right? Because people would, would, and have on the internet, like, looked at that. And it feels like maybe a mismatch because I'm doing all the housework, majority of the cooking, all the laundry, tidying up, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, oh, what does Rocks do? Or she's the creative, but she's the creative engine. But you have grown up single-handedly all of the ideas for everything, Dabby, Lake Plumers, ADHD love. You've grown, a business. I don't have to go to the bank anymore and work 12 hours a day. So like I'd rather

do a load of laundry every like few days to not have to do you know what I mean like it's huge what you contribute. Oh. Yeah. That's so that's so nice. This is the love episode babe. That does make me feel loved because I usually just feel a bit like rubbish and useless and you are saying that I'm not, so I'll take it. Okay, you ready for number two? Oh, babe, I was born ready for number two. Social decoding. I can't go first because I don't know what that means.

So you have to go first. I'll go first. Yeah. So how that applies to you, and we will talk about it, is I'll often help you with the emotional context someone might be feeling. Someone hasn't told you that they're feeling sad or worried. Maybe I've picked up on a facial expression or something and I'll help you.

Or maybe this person feels a bit sad or lonely or is struggling. For me, it's when, let's say, RSD kicks in or anxiety, worry, paranoia guilt, you can actually decode what's really happening and saying, I don't think that person was being horrible to you. I think genuinely they were quite busy. Yeah. I don't think that friend is super angry with you. I think if you just texted it would be okay. So how it works for me is you often take me away from a sort of cliff of guilt and anxiety and worry bring me back into the real world. I think it works the other way around as well. Like I think I would be able to tell you if somebody is taking advantage of.

of you or you're being mistreated and potentially not seeing it. Yeah. You have very often seen that way before. I've seen it. So it's like helping someone with the blind spots that they have in kind of social humaning settings. And actually I need that because I can be really naive and can sometimes put some quite unsavory characters on pedestals.

Yeah. And you're able to very kind of directly say. I can smell them. Like I can't smell when vegetables are off, but I can smell when somebody's fake or troublesome. You can't smell when the milk goes off. That's always... It's really weird.

Baffle me. But yeah, if someone is a... It's not like troublesome. It's like if someone's got a malicious intent underneath, you'll always know what the intent is, even if they're like... But yeah, for you, I do, I think mainly with you, it's explaining emotions. Yeah. I see that. They're not always easy to pick up on for me.

I think you need to be told quite explicitly. I feel sad here is why this is what I need. But obviously the way that the world works sometimes... You're expected to read between lines. or someone's facial expression might drop or someone's shoulders might drop or something may have been said that you know that person or that kid so deeply you know that might have landed tough.

Yeah. And that can sometimes fall outside. No, that I find that incredibly helpful. You also give me the space because what I, you know me, I like to process things. So if you say to me, oh, this person's upset, maybe it's as a result of something that I've said, I'll need a bit of,

time to let that sink in and understand it before. Oh yeah. I think you have to do the social decoding in a kind way. Yeah. Like when you're telling me that mate is absolutely no good. Yeah. You do it in a kind way. But I love social decoding.

Yeah. Big time. Do you like social decoding for me? Like if you've spotted someone that I need to know is a... Yeah. Because I maybe not at first, but I think that you trust me now as well. like you like so it is easier and you're you're maybe at first you wouldn't have wanted to maybe hear it but now you're like more accepting of what I say that's so true that's probably true for you too

yeah a hundred percent that we've both are way more open to listening to the the social decoding the other ones bringing I love that okay number three passion permission right well sorry it's gone to the gutter again immediately. Passion permission. Yeah. How's that gone to the gutter? Well, I can't. What do you mean passion permission?

Permission to be passionate. Oh, right. Sorry. Stop taking it to the gutter. Sorry. So what I mean is it's not a bedroom permission. It's like passion, special interest

commission. Oh, not passion as in you want to rip off my hoodie. The same. hoodie that you've been wearing for 10 days straight. Probably needs ripping off actually. It's funky at the moment. Needs washing.

I won't be doing that. Yeah. So passion permission is seeing, seeing what the other person absolutely loves and what brings them alive, even if it doesn't bring you alive. And then encouraging that is like a solo activity. Just like quite a selfless encouraging. So... I like for you.

There's a couple of things that spring to mind. You love a lovely long bath with candles, candlelit bath. But it's like insanely long. Like you'll run it and then you'll get in it. And you'll hear every maybe 20 minutes just the hot water going back on where the bath is cooled down and you're just having to reheat it up. That's how long. You'll probably have to do that three or four times.

The other thing that I know that you're in a really good mental space when this happens is when you just sort of take yourself off and start writing songs, you go into your little studio and start just writing songs as a, it's not like you have to go into studio, you have to do it because you've got an album deadline. It's like, oh, this idea's coming to my head. I'm going to go and write a song. You've probably got 400 songs written that will never go anywhere,

but just because you love doing it. Yeah. I love it, though, that you see that as like, oh, she's in a really good space. And you always, if I, like, toddle off to go and write a song, you're like, enjoy, Bubby, do you need anything? Yeah. Leave me to it.

And it's just so lovely. There's never any guilt in taking a long bath. God, no. Researching psychoanalytic therapy, reading self-development books or writing songs. In fact, it's encouraged. Why don't you go and take a bath? Why don't you listen to a podcast?

Yeah. And I love it so much. For you, it's golf. Yeah. It's encouraging you to play as much golf as you humanly can within the schedule that we've got. Encouraging your friendship with your golf friends or girlfriend, Matt. Yeah. When it comes to birthdays and Christmas, you don't like expensive gifts,

but I have found that I can buy you golf gifts. Yeah. And you don't mind. So just like fully supporting that, even though I don't really understand. it, I can't play it. Also with you, it's video games. Yeah. Encouraging you to play video games in the evening is something again.

I hardly ever do it, but I always love it when I do. No. Love it. I need to encourage you a bit more to take the time because you do love it and it sort of relaxes you. Yeah. So there's something so special, I think, about seeing what lights someone up. Yeah.

And encouraging them to do that more. 100%. to be or it doesn't have to be the obvious things like a bath isn't an obvious thing. Do you what I mean? But it's like, because obviously we're in a neurodivergent world. So some of these things could be odd. Yeah. Probably.

Probably. That's okay. Yeah. Not being odd. Okay. Number four is creating calm. Can you take? I mean, I love, yeah.

I love calm. Calm is my jam, you know? that is me. I love it when you, you're like make the bedroom or the hallway nice. And like also, calm for me, I don't know if this is a different one, but calm for me is like having a tidy area as well. Like I'm mentally calm. If I'm in a dirty kitchen, sounds really weird. But I like mentally struggle. Whereas if everything's just lovely and the candles that it smells, nice and the light in his low. Like you've put,

you've put really warm lights everywhere in the house instead of the bright ones that burn your retinas. Is that what you were talking about? Yeah. Right, yeah. So it's creating calm for us both to live in, but also with an eye on the other person. So I know, I'm not very good at cleaning.

but if you are burning out and something's going on at work, there's just like a lot of stuff happening, I can find the energy to like clean because I know that you'll walk in and like feel so relieved. It's what that made me think of just then is when we first moved in. And, you know, I know that this is a privileged position to moan about but when we had builders here every day, like the toll that took on mental health for both of us,

but I can speak for me, was enormous. Like it was so hard it's existing because nothing was calm ever. Nothing was tidy. There was dust everywhere. There was people in my house. It was awful. It was so loud as well.

And yeah, it was never calm. So calm is. so important. I also think with you, you mentioned the lights, but yeah, I took away all of the bright white lights and I've got warm bulbs. I think that makes such a difference. I also have the little lights in our bedrooms so we can make it blue or cozy spa vibes. I'm like literally, babe, what's going on with the lighting situation in here? Why are they orange? You really like the blue, please. The blue and purple.

And I've kind of learnt that that actually for you to create calm for you, it's very sensory. So it's low lighting, blue lights, calm music, a nice smell, making it really clean. That can insta calm. If you're really stressed, that can insta calm you. How do I create calm for you then? So it's you as a human... So I create calm in your environment. You give me calm just by being you.

So if I'm panicking, super anxious, overthinking, the way you'll talk to me, just bring me back down, the way always it's going to be okay, always bring me back from the edge of the worst case. Snara, always give me a cuddle. You do a lot of co-regulating with your body with me, cuddles and I'll have a cry. Whereas yours is environment-based. That's funny, isn't it? That's really interesting, yeah. Because I can imagine I will rarely panic.

So, like, and maybe the monotonous, pretty static facial expressions can be maybe quite calming, like, I guess, because it's like you know what you're going to get. You are so calming because you're never manic in your energy. No matter what's going on, you are quite monotonous and you are quite in one zone. So I always feel very, very, very grounded by that. And you never think the worst case scenario, like very, very grounded in reality. It's probably going to be okay.

I think that goes both ways as well. Like I'll never think worst case scenario, but I'm also not a dreamer. I like, I am a realistic thinker. I'm not saying I'm not ambitious, but I am, I stay in reality, I think. That's interesting, because actually if you go back to the number one, sorry to trigger you again, handling the hard stuff, I handle all the dreaming. Yeah. Which for me is so easy.

But for you, it's not because you are in that middle ground. Right. Before we get to the last one, a very, very quick word from our gorgeous sponsors. We have an amazing sponsor of the latest. Blumers podcast and it is Loop Earplugs, something that both Rich and I love. And all of our listeners get 20% off. We have a link to the Loop Earplugs website in our show notes and also our social media bio. On that website are our favourite products. That includes the quiet range. This is for if you want to take a little nap at home. We have the engage. That is if you're going out to

dinner and I want to hear what Rich is saying, not eavesdrop on the rest of the restaurant. And we also have the experience, probably my favourite ones, because it means I've got to drag you to a load of rock and metal gigs this year. Yeah, if you do get overwhelmed in crowded, loud, noisy places, these will actually change your life. So head to the link in the show notes or our bio for 20% off. Right, let's get back to the episode. Right, number five, I think this is my favorite one of all. Best till last, is it? I think so.

I think so. I'm going to say what it is and then I want to know what it makes you think of. I've just called it weird world. So like, the things that I'm interested in. So, like, Marvel and stuff, like, no. What then? I'd put Marvel under your passion permission. Okay.

saying watch Marvel if you're stressed. Right, yeah. So weird world is about basically living in a weird world together, not alone. The neurodivergent experience is one of being on the outside. So for you, you don't like being at parties. You don't like being at a loud gig. So living in a weird world together,

it means me saying to you, we can leave early. I'll leave with you. Or let's get earplugs. Would that make a difference if you come to the gig? So it's like being weird together. So you never, ever, ever feel alone. And it applies to literally everything. Well, as well, we are weird.

So like if there was a camera on, our wall and it was just being filmed. People would see how we're like, we'll just make up songs and dance to them. Do you remember yesterday when we did the soup song? Because you drop, just drop a beat quick and I'll show them what. What sort of beat like, soup, soup today I want, soup.

Give me that soup, soup, soup, yeah, today. Sorry, but it went on, but it was kind of louder and it went on for like a few minutes and that will happen every day like inventing funny songs randomly stopping to dance dance breaks just in the middle of the day copying what each other one is saying i will be making some random noises as well all day but then you copy boop so just being weird all the time together both within your house outside of the house knowing that you have just got like your your bestie number one with you who is going to back you up if you want to live you leave early or if I'm like, I need to go to a water park, when, today, right? Okay.

Yeah, that can be quite challenging for me, but yeah. Because you like a plan and time, I've got a bit better. But it's also, you know, your weird world of living outside of social norms. So maybe not making birthdays the biggest thing ever and maybe not having the typical gender roles that you might expect and almost being a bit rebellious with some of the rules of the neurotypical world. So you literally create your own weird world and then living it together? I think as well, I don't know whether this is going to make sense, but I really do believe it.

I'm sorry to use this word, but it's like we live in a radically, honest environment. And that's a bit weird in real life. People expect to expect to know how people are feeling, like what help they need, all of that. But we're just,

we're really, really super, super honest. I've never experienced it in my life before where we're honest about how we're feeling. We're honest about, but even for you to say, I don't really like loud environments

might want to leave early and you know that that means a lot to me. Like it takes a lot to, should for me to tell you that that's a thing. That's so true. It's so true because I guess it's so easy to mask, to act for everyone. Nobody ever gets to know the real weirdo inside. And I guarantee, I guarantee there's ADHD people just living in the world with a partner

that still hasn't said, I find laundry really, really difficult. This is what happens when I look at a lot. load of laundry. With a partner eye rolling, having a go at them. I can guarantee there's autistic people still being told why you're being so rude. Can't you just stay at the party with me? This is my friends. Yeah. I mean, gosh, I've said that to you. I said that to you. So, I guess it's you're not only just living in the weird world together, but you're consciously building it together. Like, can I know everything weird about you, please? So then I can build a perfect well for you and then the same.

I love it. And you just end up in the most, like, with the most awesome life. And it's on my mind at the moment, obviously, because it's happening soon, but like our wedding ceremony, there could be so much social pressure for how to do that, how you're expected to get married when and why you never put any pressure on me. I was like, I don't fancy organizing a wedding. Can I just change my name to yours by Depot? And we'll live as if we're married. You were like, yeah, sure. Like that, babe, do you know how weird that is?

And you were like, sure, yeah, make sense. Like never questioned. And then when we do get around to the wedding, it's booked last minute.com. Yeah. Going to walk down the aisle to an offspring song. Yeah. Probably not wearing a dress. Yeah.

You'll be eating sausage and mash. Love that. Oh, man. I want some sausage and mash now. We can have sausage and mash tonight. But I. Love it. This has been the late bloomer's love language for neurodivergence episode. We hope that you have someone in your life willing to go on that journey with you. If you don't, maybe this can be

your year to find it. Please give us a like, follow, subscribe, all of that wonderful stuff and we cannot wait. See you next week.