LATE BLOOMERS - THE ADHD FIX: The shockingly simple shift that changes everything

Episode Date: October 8, 2025

In this episode of LATE BLOOMERS, Rox tells Rich she’s finally found “the cure” for ADHD, and together they explore what actually helps reduce symptoms in real life. From routines, environment, and rest, to the power of self-acceptance, they unpack what genuinely makes a difference when you stop trying to “fix” yourself and start working with your brain instead. They talk about the endless search for hacks and quick fixes, the pressure to be productive, and the surprising mindset shift that changed everything for them both. This one’s about what healing really looks like for ADHD brains: less control, more compassion, and the small everyday choices that make life finally feel calm.

Today we're talking about the secret to actually reduce ADHD symptoms. This is the ADHD fix. And if you are going to watch one episode of Late Bloomers, please let it be this one. Wow, that sounds like a lot of pressure. Welcome to Late Bloomers, where we are getting our lives together. Eventually. And this episode is literally about the core of us getting our life and relationship together in regards to me having ADHD.

Like the one change that has made the biggest difference in my whole life and our relationship. Yeah. So I guess we'll be useful for partners and parents. Yeah. If you have ADHD or if you love someone with ADHD, this is the magic source, isn't it? Yeah, I think so.

I think so. I hope we don't disappoint, but let's go. Okay. So first up, we are going to talk about the ADHD shame trap. I think anybody that has got ADHD or late-diagnosed ADHD or suspects they have it will know this very well. And it's this sense of, I am unacceptable as I am. So I have to fix myself by any means necessary.

Even like when we've gone around the country doing shows and stuff, It's standard as well That's not just us saying it We asked hundreds of neurodivergent people What they thought of themselves And it was like, I'm lazy, I'm useless, I'm a loser So like the self-shame is really real And probably the biggest pandemic, to be honest

There's actually research that shows People with ADHD Suffer a lot more with internalised shame and stress And it's never spoken about as one of the symptoms Yeah But it's one of the worst parts of ADHD, essentially hating yourself. Now, why is the shame trap such a problem? So you look at yourself and you think, I'm unacceptable and I have to change.

That is drawing from self-hatred. Yeah. You are never, ever, ever going to hate yourself into a better version of who you are, not long term. It's only ever going to make it worse. and you're going to be trapped in Groundhog Day, starting a new system, getting another notebook, swearing you'll never ever be late again

or never forget anything, you self-punish to try and force yourself into change and maybe the anxiety lets you change for a day or a week. And then, but then when you don't, and when you mess up or fail to do what you say you're going to do, it just adds to the shame, right? It adds to the shame.

and here is the pinnacle of all this, shame, internalized shame and stress are clinically proven to make ADHD symptoms worse. So if you are constantly shaming yourself, trying to fix yourself, I'm unacceptable, I have to get better, I have to get better, you're going to make yourself stressed and you're going to make your symptoms worse and it's so counterintuitive. But it is the truth. It just makes me think of me back in my 20s, just coming from a place of pure self-hatred.

I'm unacceptable. I have to be fixed and just getting worse and worse and worse. And I think, like, you know, leading on from that and very similar, is this, like, sense of needing to be perfect. So you've obviously touched on, like, I need to be late. I need to be on time. I need to, you know, say, like, do things I say I'm going to do. But then when you do something, this, like,

And I guess it's like linked to RSD and stuff that, but it needs to be perfect and then you won't be criticised. Oh. And that again, that sounds well stressful. Well, I feel like everyone with ADHD, their main goal is to get rid of the ADHD is to become neurotifical. Yeah. I lived my whole life with this version of neurotypical meat in my head, one that was always on top of the washer. was clean personal hygiene was great i was never late i could focus on things and every time you don't meet that standard is another excuse to beat yourself up to self-shame and to try and force

that change and it was never good enough right so you never used to celebrate when you did do a load of washing it would be like no i have to do it every day like everybody else does like i need to be the best at doing all of this stuff and it will never be celebrate it was like Like, this is the base level I need to just be human. I am unacceptable as a human unless I reach this base level that I could never reach. So we're setting ourselves up to fail. And this is like a horrendous thing to say to people, but it's so important to know. You're never going to get that.

It doesn't matter how hard you try. You can't try your way into being neurotypical. That must be really, it's a bit like hard to accept, though, for people. right so somebody that's been thinking for years and years I just need to be neurotypical I need to be better at being organized and doing all of these things like just to say you're never going to achieve it like that's that probably feels quite scary right it feels scary and it feels like what the hell is the answer if I'm not striving to get better to fix myself then I'm an even bigger loser like at least I'm

trying and failing. It almost feels like giving up, maybe. It feels like giving up. Well, it feels like accepting that you're just in your mind useless and rubbish and are never going to amount to anything. Like, it's a horrible bind

that you're in in your mind. And I don't think people are necessarily having the conscious thoughts. I have to become neurotypical. But when you are shaming yourself about running late, not being organised, struggling with admin, not being able to focus on difficult things, personal hygiene.

Like, that's effectively what you're saying. I need to beat the ADHD out of myself or my partner or my kid. Like when we were first together, we didn't know it was ADHD, but you were kind of trying to, in a way, not beat it out of me. Let's just about to say that. Let's be careful with that. Metaphorically speaking, you were trying to fix me to be more like you, to be more functioning.

To be cleaner, more organized, more in time, less up in my head. And dare I say, for the people that are longing to just be better at all this stuff, they truly believe that if they do achieve it, they'll be happy. And they won't. They'll probably be super stressed for the week that they do achieve it. Oh, my God. But actually, the happiness, if I look at you and what's happened to you over the last sort of five years, Happiness does come from a place of accepting...

Oh, my God. Like who you are, right? That's just like shattered my world in front of me. That is so key. We believe we're unacceptable. We have to kick out the ADHD and force ourselves to become more functioning because we believe when we get there we'll be happy. But if we ever manage to get there...

Which you won't. Which we won't. Even if we did. The amount of masking, stress and anxiety. it would take, would render life pretty unlivable. So like even if you got your wildest dream, you would have a horrible life. So becoming neurotypical, forcing it, that wouldn't make you happy. As you've said, happiness does come from this wholeness of being, this acceptance.

Well, we actually do know probably a couple of people that we would guess that they may, name A, B, ADHD. But, like, one of them actually is diagnosed ADHD. And because of, I guess it stems from the absolute desperate need to be on top of things and be, you know, get their lives together. They've developed an OCD alongside it. And it just feels like there's just tension all the time. It's crippling.

Yeah. Yeah, in order to function at that higher level and a lot of kind of. of high functioning people will relate to that. You've almost become obsessional and anxious as a way to counterbalance, but it's not a nice way to live. You touched on this earlier and I just want to bring it back up, which is it feeling really scary to give up that dream. And the reason why it feels so scary,

if I go back to when I was trapped in desperately trying to, fix myself all the time there was a sense of impending doom if i stopped trying to force myself to be better everything will fall apart it was like i wasn't doing very well i wasn't very happy i was spinning plates and like if i stopped trying to spin all these then they're all they're all going to crash down and that fear is very very very real because that fear is you are unacceptable in your natural state. So it doesn't matter that you're stressed. It doesn't matter that you're self-punishing.

It doesn't matter that you're failing. You have to be doing something because if you sit still, you're truly the lowest of the low. That's what it feels. God, it's making me stress. It's making me stressed as well. Just talking about it.

And here's the thing about acceptance. What we're not saying is to just accept ADHD and all the horrible struggles it brings and not try and grow. So what we're not saying is you have to accept ADHD and nothing ever gets better. We're saying if you accept ADHD and you work from acceptance, that's actually how you're going to make the change. You get to love yourself, warts and all,

and also want to grow, those two things aren't mutually exclusive. And I think like if I think about you again is sort of my only point of reference from where you were to where you are now, there's little things that and you are fundamentally different with regards to accepting your ADHD, like the self-shame, even when you occasionally will say oh I'm so stupid like you'll realize what you're doing and that is that's a big skill right so like how do you actually accept ADHD like how do you actually change because it's all very well us sitting here going just accept your ADHD you're going to be a little bit scatty you're going to forget things what does it look like and I suppose again really hard because

if you've been longing and shamed and or shaming yourself about all of these things, how do you go from that to, yeah, I'm going to be a bit late or I am rubbish at washing or I really struggle with washing. And like, how do you go from that to accepting your limitations? Because that sounds really difficult. It is difficult. You know, it's such a simple fix. accept yourself but it's such a difficult process because we're so trained against it how can

I accept what I've believed my whole life is unacceptable and that's the challenge yeah but that's why it's such beautiful work so one thing I quite like to do practice is like it's a bit silly but like I think that it works it works for me anyway is the next time you are like maybe shaming yourself. If you say to yourself, like, I'm going to accept who I am, like, pretend you're somebody that you deeply care about, like somebody who's really vulnerable, maybe a young child or whatever, that's struggling, that you wouldn't say to them, you idiot, like what are you doing? This is well easy. Well, some might, but they're probably not listening to this podcast if they do. Yeah, I don't think that is silly. I think the internal

conversation is a massive part of acceptance, I also think how we express externally is a massive part of acceptance. So, you know, I have lived on the internet for the last few years as the weird blue lady of ADHD. I haven't got a choice because like everybody knows now. I've got it. And that used to be a bit embarrassing for me. Like, oh my God, I'm putting a, I'm putting a mental disorder on the internet, I grew up in the 80s and 90s, there was a lot of stigma in some places there still is. However, walking through that, like absolutely owning it, letting millions of people see that I'm like so forgetful and disorganized has been the biggest gift. Yeah. Because everybody knows and I forget sometimes, even people that I work with

know so they'll be like oh a really long email if you need a bit of time if you'd rather do a call and i'm like oh wow that that's really good that that you know that but we're so as well as being trapped in trying to fix it we're we're trapped in masking yeah so we are trying to pretend we're neurotypical and we're trying to hoodwink you that we're neurotypical if i forgot something oh sorry i just oh i didn't write it down it i didn't put it in my calendar if we're late there's bad traffic, every day we come up with any excuse for our symptoms other than I'm struggling with ADHD. Yeah. And I think I guess in doing, in the acceptance, you're trying to create an environment of safety because, you know, a lot of this will stem from, it's unsafe for me

to say that I struggle with time and I'm going to be late. And I think about office workers and stuff like that. Some of the things that they would perceive that should, to be simple, like they don't feel safe to bring that up maybe to their line manager to say, I'm really struggling with my inbox because they're like, well, that's your job. That's how they think it's going to go. And this is why this is so counterintuitive. You don't feel safe to show people or tell people that you have ADHD. So you mask up, which causes you stress, causes you fatigue, self-hatred.

and you make yourself unsafe by doing that. So to be safe in your own body and your own environment is to accept when you're alone at home, wondering why you can't do the junk boom, no shame, no self-punishment. Oh, maybe it is because I've had ADHD. Or if you arrive late to a new meeting spot because you've got your directions wrong,

to not lie and say the train was late, to say, I'm really sorry. I really struggle with directions and I went the wrong way. That will make you feel more safe because you're not like lying about your whole existence. It's expressing vulnerability right as well because saying I went the wrong way on the train or I lost my wallet for the third time or I forgot my headphones and I wouldn't have been able to travel on the train without them so I had sorry I had to go and get some all of that that it like is is really vulnerable but I would suggest actually the more and more I sort of survive in this world people are accommodating like they would much rather the truth and authenticity and vulnerability like no like nine times out

10 you'll get you'll be surprised with the reactions that you get 100% and if you get a bad reaction and that you work on that and you'll also be okay but you have to choose you not the kind of grand mask so i think the other super important thing about showing up accepting yourself internally and externally in the external world i have ADHD and i struggle is because you'll get the right support yeah when you are trying to fix yourself you think that that new notebook or that new workout system or whatever it is is that you've employed this week to force yourself into neurotypicalness. You think that that's support, but it's, it's not.

That is punishment, it's shame, it's force, willpower, it's setting yourself up to fail. And actually, you are then a person with a disorder that's getting no support that is only getting punishment. Yeah. And if you imagine if it was some other type of struggle, like somebody that needed glasses and they refused to wear glasses because they want to be seen as someone that doesn't need glasses and then they'd read stuff wrong and you idiot you stupid idiot look harder

it's nonsensical yeah of course but shaming yourself to look harder will never ever fix your eyesight the same way with ADHD so I think there's two parts to it isn't there so obviously we we claim that this is the episode to listen to and it is about how to reduce your ADHD symptoms

so there's one if you are externally vulnerable and sort of talk about what needs and support requirements that you've got, you might get that externally. But how about, how does it help you at home when you, do you what I mean? So I have the perfect example for how this has transformed my life. It's just one example of many, okay? I have had a struggle my whole life. My whole life. with losing keys I lose loads of things by the way phone wallet

important documents but I'm just going to talk about keys for now in my 20s it was to the point where I was regularly ringing a locksmith in one flat I lived I had

the front door lock change three times it's like £200 a time for a call out because you're locked outside your own flat when you don't have the money It is horrendous, it's humiliating, and it's incredibly stressful. Yeah. Never once ever did I look at myself with kindness. I looked at myself as the, what, a stupid, disgusting, foolish loser,

who literally loser, who is losing their keys. And of course, that cycle. leads you to losing your keys. Here's why. I lose my keys. I self-punish. I call myself horrendous names. I say you are unacceptable. You can never do this again. I raise my anxiety in the hope that that will make me not lose my keys. But because stress, higher stress, is proven to make ADHD symptoms worse, I am then dealing with more memory difficulties, more executive dysfunction difficulties, more emotional dysregulation, and what happens? I'm therefore more likely to lose my keys. So it's this vicious cycle. What we went through recently in the last year,

in this house, because I did lose my keys in our old house quite a lot. And we were, must have been well annoying. Like I feel for you. I feel for you. I feel. for people with ADHD partners. Parents of ADHD, it's annoying, it's frustrating. I mean, maybe a bit. Like, it's less of a burden than when you were on your own though

because I never lost my keys. No. You could always get in the house. You could always let me in. Yeah. Or I just have to wait in the pub around the corner. Yeah. Until you got home.

But in this house, we actually tried to practice what we preached and we were like, what does this situation look like with full acceptance? Now, it sounds crazy, but it's changed my life. We were like, not only are we going to accept ADHD, we're going to accept that you lose your keys.

That is so difficult to accept. Yeah. To just go, I lose my keys. No excuses. No, trying to explain why. No, I promise I'll do better. I lose my keys. Cool.

We're going to work from that. And then your idea was, well, let's get a lockbox, like they have on Airbnb's. Yeah. And we will permanently have a spare key in the lockbox. So you can always get... So lose your keys. Like, lose your keys, it doesn't matter.

It's going to be okay. And I think the key, I've had the same key in my bag since we've moved in here. I don't use it because I just... I use the lockbox. But here's what's happened. My issue is on the table. it's fully accepted. We're not trying to change it. We've supported around it. I am less anxious and stressed. I don't lose the key. Yeah. So when you are supported and when you are safe

and when it's out in the open and when you accept it, all of those high level anxiety markers come down, have less symptoms. The same with my wallet. You used to lose my wallet all the time. And then we were like, cool, let's have a really old cheap wallet. Let's take your ID out. Let's only have one debit card. So if you lose it, it doesn't matter. It's one card. I haven't lost it since we've done that. No, I know. I bet you really want a fancy wallet now. No, because it just, the minute that pressure is, I can't lose this one, going to lose it. So they're really good examples. And, you know, even with the keys, there's a little bit of a mini hack there with the lockbox but you've given two examples I could give you hundreds more where you don't actually

have to have a hack like a keybox but it's just purely based on acceptance even just being a bit tidier with packaging from the packages that you get delivered barely often or your clothes on the floor like where there's no expectation that you're going to be really really super tidy and everything hung up in chronological order and all the recycling done all the time there's no expectation there's an acceptance that you will struggle with that stuff and you are the tight you are so much more tidier now than you were when we were first together like so much more am i really yeah like so nice to hear because i've never again I'm not really I'm not not tidy compared to you or a lot of people,

but I'm tidier compared to what I was a few years ago. And that's from when you're constantly shaming and self-punishing, you feel so incapable. It will impact your executive dysfunction, won't it? Like if the shame and it's like I can't do it. Stress and anxiety affects across the board, proven your executive function, your memory, your emotional regulation is all affected.

So lower wherever you are, if you can lower the stress and the shame, your symptoms will improve. How much nicer is that? Big time. And what was hard to hear, we mentioned it in another episode of this. That's what the ADHD person needs to do. The partner or parent needs to lower expectations. And it sounds, maybe that's not the right phrase, but actually it really helped. How about not lower expectations, but have different expectations than what you would have for yourself.

If you expected me to function on your level, I'd fail at everything, every single day. Dinner time is a really, if you go out for a studio day or whatever, there is no world where I would be like dinner's being dished up at seven o'clock, make sure you're home. It's not happening. Like we're eating when you get back. The only expectation I maybe have is just let me know when you're on your way home. Doesn't matter what time it is. Yeah, but now I get home earlier. It's like this counterintuitive way of working. And I think we're asking a lot of ADHD people, which is, to stop the endless quest to try and fix yourself

and slowly but surely learn to accept yourself when you're alone and also with those in your life. We're also asking a lot of partners and parents because we are asking them to fully accept ADHD to give up. Imagine giving up on the hope that your child was ever going to be high functioning. Well, high function is definitely the,

wrong phrase. I know exactly what you mean, but you are high functioning, just not with laundry. Like, you're a songwriter, you write books. Like, do you know what you mean? I'm so used to seeing myself as a low functioning human. No chance. Like, I'm good at doing the washing and doing the laundry, but I can barely read, babe. Like, let's be real here. I feel like the world is judged and built upon the basics. tasks where we all fail, but there are areas where an ADHD kid is going to excel. So actually it might be looking at your kid and going, they're never going to be high functioning as a bedmaker or like doing laundry. But could they be high functioning as a poet, a TV presenter,

a researcher? Like, is there an area of interest, skill, hyperfocus where that kid could go on to do something. Listen, on that note, don't ask me to explain in any way because, and it might not even be true, but I've read, I think it was a comment about one of our videos, it's actually more hygienic not to make your bed. That's, that's why I'm, that's, have I not told you? That's why. Do you know why then?

Yeah. Because. you are at one with the bacteria and your body is therefore getting, like, getting used to it. You're not stripping it all the time of that... At one with the bacteria. Right, okay. That's the name of my autobiography when it's coming out, Rock's Pink, at one with the bacteria. Look, just a final bit of encouragement that you've really knocked my... head open there when you said that I'm not actually low functioning in every area.

It is a reminder to ADHD people that and parents and partners trying to get rid of ADHD in someone, you are going to bang your head against a brick wall, it's never going to work and you are going to be frustrated and you're going to feel quite hopeless that you can't change anything, if you take all of that energy that you've been trying to fix ADHD with and you pour it into other things. So for an ADHD person, all of that I need to be on time, organized, clean, every day, 24-7, high stress, high anxiety. If I take all of that energy in trying to do something futile, which is cure my ADHD with willpower, and I put it into a music career or I put it into therapy or put it into building an app, building an app, that's where

my energy is gone. But every single ADHDer who claims this energy back has their own amazing story where you do become high functioning in your special area that not everybody else can do. So remember, you are not broken. You're not a project to fix. Am I not? No. No. You're great just as you are. And all of our listeners are as well. Wow, I've loved this episode. I think I'm going to listen to this episode. If you have liked it, give us a like, a follow, a share, a comment.

Let us know what you've thought about this one. And maybe also in the comments, one thing that you could just go a bit easier on yourself today because it doesn't happen overnight. There you go. Hope you've enjoyed to see you next week.