LATE BLOOMERS - THE ADHD GIRL’S GUIDE TO SEX: 10 ways your brain is ruining your sex life

Episode Date: July 9, 2025

Welcome back to LATE BLOOMERS. In this episode, Rich and Rox dive into the messy, hilarious, and often misunderstood world of sex and neurodivergence. From sensory overload to shame spirals, we’re unpacking 10 ways your brain might be ruining your sex life — and what you can actually do about it. Whether you're in a long-term relationship or figuring yourself out, this is the honest, awkward, hopeful chat you didn’t know you needed. You're not broken. You're not alone. And yes, a little dance might actually help. Here’s our website for 20% Loop EarPlugs: https://www.loopearplugs.com/pages/lp-adhdlove

Welcome to the ADHD girls guide to sex 10 things that might be getting in the way of you having a good time and what we can do about it. Welcome to late bloomers where I haven't got a card I feel very underprepared for this episode where we are getting our lives together. doing it eventually. It is the romance time episode specifically for the ADHD girlies. Did you know that ADHD girlies or guys could struggle with romance time? I did yeah. I did know that. You've had five years of struggle haven't you my love? I'm sorry. That's alright. I'm sorry. Listen, there is so much pressure around the bedroom department in relationships. And I think loads of people feel rubbish about it.

They probably want to be doing it a bit more. They don't know what might be getting in the way. That's what I feel like. So even though it's a bit awkward, it was good to talk about how you feeling. I mean, I don't know what's coming, to be honest. I think we have got an open, honest discussion about it. But again, like I said, I'm not prepared for this. You just went, you don't need a card today, babe.

I've got this. So here's how it's going to work. Right. I've got 10 things. Yeah. That get in the way in the bedroom department for someone that has or thinks they may have ADHD. Yeah.

We're going to work through all 10. We're going to see whether I've got all 10. Yeah. Top marks, just a few. And we're going to kind of work through some rather human, maybe fun ways of trying to overcome the 10 things that might be in the way. Let's do it. You ready to start? I'm ready. Let's start number one.

10 things getting in the way of you having a good time. Number one, sensory overload. Okay. What does that, what do you mean? So you may have noticed with me that sometimes touch has different reactions. Yeah. Well, usually if we're talking out of the bedroom, any touch you jump, you've got a massive jump scare. I do, yeah. Is that from trauma? Is something wrong with me?

Even like a little touch on your knee, you'll like jump off the sofa. Yeah. That is not what we're talking about. Is it? Like we don't want to be jumping out of our skin when we're touched because you is it? Like we don't want to be jumping out of our skin when we're touched, because you kind of need to be touched if you're going to be having a good time in the bedroom. So it's not only that, but it's also like things can feel different. So sometimes a little kiss on the neck might be a vibe. Other times it might make me squirm and squeeze and you never know what you're going to get. Squirm and squeeze. I'm going to be immature this whole episode. That's okay. You've got to laugh or cry, aren't you?

So it just gets in the way and I don't think people without sensory stuff have to ever think about it. And I'm so jealous. So it's being touched in different places and it feeling different on different times, depending how my body's decided to show up that day. But it's also stuff like the environment, like the blankets you're lying on, are they soft and smooth? How does the pillow feel behind your neck? So I guess there is things that you do do to help if I'm thinking about it, like very specific lighting. So we've got color changing bulbs, haven't we? We go like red light district vibes.

You're giving away all the secrets. We do go, if I want the spa sensual vibe, I go the dark blue. If I want the other vibe, I go red light district. Yeah, and purple means we're just watching telly. Yeah, it does. It literally does. We're like color-coded by activity. So having lights on, dark really helps. I love having really clean, soft sheets.

Yeah. It's quite a big thing for me. Often we'll have to clean the sheets. Rather than dirty, hard sheets. Yeah, I can see. Can you just be careful, please? And with the whole kind of like kissy touchy thing, I think it's just about having a partner that's aware

and knowing that you might be a little bit oversensitive. You might freak out if I kiss your neck once. Not oversensitive, just sensitive. Yeah, fine, okay. That's number one, done and dusted. Number two, distractibility. Right. What is this?

So your mind usually is what gets distracted. So imagine you're having a vibe in romance time. And then you're really enjoying yourself. And then your brain goes, have we left a wire out downstairs that the dog is going to chew? Or oh my god, I didn't send that email that I knew I had to send. The brain then fully takes you out of your body and you're in that sort of worrying, planning, overthinking land. I mean, this one must just be impossible. Like if you've got ADHD, that's something you've got to live with.

Right? There can't be solutions to this. My old solution used to be to drink. Right. And that worked really well. Yeah. And I say that as a sober person, a few drinks, that's probably why I used to do it before bedroom time,

quietens your brain. I don't know, it slows you down, it puts you more in your body. So I was able to be more present, I'd have less distractions. Whereas now, the ADHD is raging, there is nothing to calm it down. So the brain will just go off into different things. And the problem with that is, it can impact what you're actually, pleasure you're feeling in the moment. I guess as well on that sort of same line, we wouldn't know the answer to this, but for those that are medicated, that might help them with the distraction. Let us know.

I would consider it. If you aren't distracted in the bedroom, is that a side effect of meds? I'd love to know. One thing I do love to know. One thing I do is play music. It can't have lyrics because if it has lyrics, I go off on another distraction. Getting the lyrics wrong. Getting the lyrics, thinking about the lyrics or thinking about how they feel awkward with the current action that's going on.

Yeah. Music that doesn't have lyrics, that's calm. That can really help because I guess it's like having a white noise in your ears. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Why is it so difficult? Right, number three.

Shame or low self-esteem? A big one. Why is it a big one? Well, I'd imagine that because that's not, you can't simply get over that by putting the light into red and low level and playing some music. You can turn it off completely so you can't see me. Yeah, I suppose. But that mentally must really be a problem, like barriers, as in not wanting to start

worrying about what I think of you, what romantic partners think of you, all of that sort of stuff. Yeah, I think low self-esteem, loads of ADHDs deal with it just in daily life. You've been rejected loads, you often feel like a bad adult, like you're failing. That all carries over to the bedroom as well. And then you're also bringing full vulnerability, body on show. I've had a lot of body issues in my life that then show up there, like not wanting to have the lights on, not wanting to be seen and touched in certain areas. And this is obviously so specific to me, but I do just want to share it because I think it's interesting. I struggled for

a really long time with my top half. And that would really get in the way. I'd often try and cover up, I'd feel a lot of shame. There were certain things I wouldn't be comfortable doing. But since I had a reduction, which was a few months ago now, I've actually noticed, maybe you've noticed, I'm a little bit more free. So I guess it's like trying to figure out what is the thing that's... Is this one coupled with like RSD or is that another one on your list? RSD is coming, maybe. Oh, okay, fine. I don't want to jump ahead. Don't jump ahead. So yeah, shame and low self-esteem. I don't know, just that is the forever thing that ADHD is working on.

And I think just having a lovely partner that makes you feel loved and gorgeous, which you always do, like even when I've been at my lowest moments. It's still like, it's still something, you know, the biggest thing that, of course that helps but your, I mean, it's not a quick fix, but your therapy over years around your self-esteem has been the thing that's really helped the most. Long-term therapy, baby. Yeah. Who knew that that would be sexy.

Okay, number four, difficulty transitioning. That is not positions. Right. That is transitioning from like normal life to bedroom life. So loads of ADHDs have problems switching tasks. So if you are working on something, it's then. Switching tasks? I can just imagine a to-do list. Kitchen, washing, rich. To do? Yeah, but for me, I don't know if this is okay to say or not.

Romance time is a task. That's not rude. Everything's a task. Waking up, putting my feet on the ground, task, getting phone, task, making a coffee, task, going to the toilet, task. That's not rude. Everything's a task. Waking up, putting my feet on the ground, task. Getting phone, task. Making a coffee, task. Going to the toilet, task. Trying to have a shower, task. Plugging laptop in, task. Feed a dog, task. Are you going to go for the whole day? Because we might be here a while. We get the picture. And transitioning between tasks is hard. So if I want to switch from computer work to cleaning, you know, I often say can have transition time. Yeah.

I need five or 10 minutes to come out of one task and to emotionally prepare for the next task. That also applies to bedroom activities. So I can't just like go to bed having done a whole day of stuff and then suddenly switch up. So that's really interesting because obviously, you know, if you watch movies and how like it would, it's always like natural. It's like doing something and then all of a sudden the vibe kicks in

and then that's it. Does it not work like that for you? No, I like wish it would and I kind of hate movies for showing it that way because you just end up feeling more shame that you're not all like in the moment. So I do need transition time. I guess though back in the day, not that we're glamorizing it, alcohol would have helped with that, right? Because it probably was more like movies when you had to drink. Yeah, well you just become an animal, don't you?

Yeah. So no problems then. But in like actual sober adult connected life, and long term relationship, it becomes different as well. Of course. So I will often need, you know, like when we set up all the lights and the music. Yeah. We sometimes, I make us do a little dance.

No, don't say that on the internet and the podcast. Shut up. Oh my God. It's because you read about it or listened to a podcast or whatever, some tantric dance thing. And now you're, oh my God. I'm sorry, but it is, listen. Yeah, I am listening. It has helped. I won't go into what the dance is.

Good. But a couple of minutes of like a little dance helps me transition. A foot massage has been really useful. Oh, you loved it. Yeah. So just knowing that there's no shame in needing a little bit of extra transitional activity. Yeah. Go and do the Gangnam style dance and you'll be well up for it. Stop. Number five is emotional dysregulation. Okay, yeah. I mean, this is something that you in life struggle with. Yeah. So if you struggle with it in life, you're going to struggle with it in the bedroom,

essentially just being all over the place and feeling stuff really strongly. So if something is going on, now it might be just in the day. If I'm feeling anger, upset, worry, that knocks my body out for the whole day. And it's very difficult, you know, having really good bedroom time, you have to be relaxed in your body, confident, feeling the dance vibes if you're stuck in emotional dysregulation. Well, that's the same with everything for you specifically. If you have like a call at 10 o'clock that annoys you, that's you done for the day, actually. There's no work getting done. It's a constant looping of what I'm going to do, what's gone wrong, all of the emotions

that I've people pleased down and suppressed and are then eating me alive. So I guess just getting better at emotional regulation, the old breathing techniques, the old therapy, all of that jazz and also just knowing it might not be the day for the bedroom. That's good advice. Today is not the day, a romance time, because I'm fuming at this particular thing that happens. That's it, isn't it? And not putting pressure, I put so much pressure on myself, you must do this at three times a week, that is performing the duty. You are failing if you aren't doing it. That's my internal. What's your internal monologue when it comes to?

I don't really have one. Just... Yeah, I don't. I just don't know what it would be like to live like that. Now, I am going to get on to number six, but I just want to take a very quick break for something awesome. Are you ready? Yeah.

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Thanks so much. Check out the show notes for the link. Also use the link in bio on our social profiles. To get there, get your 20% off and turn the world down. Jumping back in with number six, it is hyper focus or lack of focus. What do you mean? So either thinking about it all the time. Yeah.

Or thinking about it never. I mean that's surely very much aligned to the start of the relationship versus long term, right? I think most ADHDers, I would imagine, please do let us know in the comments, find it quite easy in the beginning, dopamine's flowing, that partner is the hyper focus, bedroom activities are the hyper focus, that can then change, you know, like going off, like how I was so obsessed with resin and it was everything and all I wanted to do was make resin and have the Etsy store and learn to do it and then got bored, threw

it away and then I've never gone back to making resin. I mean, you were rampant at the start of our, you start saying about dancing, but what's really interesting is you were really, and there's more to it, because you were really, really up for it all the time. It was all that you thought about, me too, but then you just weren't. There was no sort of gradual, you weren't.

And do you remember we done like a yoga in the front room and I like mentioned it. I wasn't being mean. I was just like, oh, I'm just going to... And then you just burst into tears. You were like, I've noticed we've been having less bedroom time and I burst into tears. Yeah. Emotional dysregulation, putting pressure on myself, RSD. All at once. No idea that I even had ADHD. So I just thought something was... I thought something was deeply

wrong with me when it came to sex. Yeah. That, yeah, I still do sometimes, but... But I think this is really important. And this is good. This is going to get loads of people. It got you for 10 years. It's like, oh, I obviously don't love this person. It's not meant to be, and you want to chase this honeymoon period where you just want to do it all the time. It's not normal. It never lasts. It's not normal. It never lasts. And actually, I imagine there's so many people listening to this

who are maybe questioning their relationship because of a dwindling sex drive. Not saying every relationship is right. So much stuff goes into that. But it's dwindling sex drive. Not saying every relationship is right. So much stuff goes into that, but it's really normal for sex drive to change. For ADHD is it's going to be more extreme because that is the life that we live, unfortunately. So you're going to notice a drop off. It's normal. Less talk about it. There's things that we can do.

And actually stuff comes in, even when you get through the honeymoon, we have moments where it is more on and moments where it is more off. It is a bit cyclical. Holidays. Bloody lovely. Okay, next one. Number seven. Normally associated with men, Number seven, normally associated with men. Oh. But it's a big one for ADHD is performance anxiety. Right. You know, a lot of us are former gifted children who put all of our value on getting A stars and doing things really well.

Should we start like grading you then after each one? No, because if I didn't get an A, I'd be really upset. Like I genuinely would be. Yeah. And then I'd want to go and work on it. I'd take all the fun out of it. So it's just like worrying about not being good enough. How much you're doing it.

Would someone else do it better? What you're actually doing, is that any good? Well, you always have a fear. I don't know whether this is related to actual performance anxiety or another one, but you always have a fear after a while if we don't do it, you're like, he's going to go and cheat on me. Intrusive thoughts, they come into your mind. Yeah, that is performance anxiety. Like how much you're doing it anxiety and if you're not doing it the right amount, you're going to leave me. Obviously want to say I grew up in a house

with two decades of affairs. So that's going to play a huge part of my story, my personal story, why that's my anxiety. But it's not a nice way to live. No. Constantly worrying whether you're living up to expectations. You do talk about it though, which is nice. You know, that must help that you're not just secretly

worrying about it. You're like, Bobby, this is how I'm feeling at the moment. I'm like, don't worry, let's take some time, let's prioritize us, blah, blah, blah, blah, and we sort of get through it together, don't we? That's kind of a big one. If you feel an anxiety, share it with your partner and a good partner is going to listen to you, say it's okay, say that that isn't the case, and then work on the old dances and turning the lights down low. Jesus.

Oh dear. Number eight, impulsivity. Okay. In the past, when I've cast my eye onto not having enough bedroom time, I have looked to outside sources. Oh my God, I remember one of these. I'm not going to go into too much detail, but let's just say I've tried loads of different stuff. Bringing loads of different stuff into that bedroom environment. Yeah, that's enough now. Yeah. And basically...

I thought you were going to talk about the Desex podcast, but now I know what you're talking about. So yeah. But it's like making impulsive decisions and making things your entire personality. Yeah. Yeah. Just having an eye on whether impulsivity is coming into that situation. Is it getting in the way? What so if we start getting loads of deliveries from like dungeon shops and stuff, like you might've gone, by the way, everyone do you find what works for you, but like just notice is, are you trapped in a cycle of like impulsive different trials?

And might there be another way? Also, I guess impulsivity could relate to, you know, we know ADHD is love being impulsive, but when you're in a long term relationship, you don't have as much impulsivity as when you're first dating, when you don't live together. So how can you kind of bring impulsivity? I think that's why holidays or hotels are so much easier to vibe with. Different environments, different experiences. Yeah, I guess that's where you get your impulsivity from. Booking an expensive holiday.

It's the only time you don't mind spending money. Yeah, I'm like, yeah, do what you want. Let's go. Let's go tomorrow. I love it. I've got the hack for getting me in a five-star hotel. Okay. Number nine is boredom with routine. Boredom. Boredom.

Well, ADHDers love novelty. They get bored. So much of this episode, right, is actually about 10 things that we deal with in life that actually also cause issues in the bedroom. We just don't often talk about it. Yeah, we get bored when we're doing something repetitive over and over again, the same way we can lose that obsession, that desire, that enjoyment. Yeah, that makes sense. I guess this is pretty linked to impulsivity though as well and like being on holidays in different environments and stuff like that, right? Yeah, absolutely. So I guess also going back to your point about thinking the spark's gone or thinking your relationship's broken, if you have ADHD or not, I imagine this

applies to loads of people, you might be bored of doing the same thing for years and years. So, you know, as bait as it sounds, how can you... Spice it up. Is that what you're gonna... Yeah, so cliche. But you know, the crazy thing is, I don't know whether I do get bored. I mean, you don't get bored in the moment, I don't think. No, no, no, I don't. I certainly don't look at you and you're like, oh, this is well boring. I'm thinking about whether the dog's chewing wires downstairs.

Simply last long enough, does it it to get bored, eh? That's it. That's how not to get bored. Tell your partner short and snappy. How to be efficient. Job done. Can I just say, when I'm saying I'm not, I'm not getting bored. I think efficiency is, that's why I'm not getting bored. I think efficiency is... that's why I'm not getting bored.

Like I like efficiency. Yeah. I think they're going to understand what you mean. Yeah. Who wants to do it all for an hour? But I understand that then you're less likely to want to do it. Because it's a big old asshole. Yeah. Listen, you got, I won't say minutes, but like you've got a few minutes to spare. Yeah, let's get both get done.

But you also need your transition time. So you need the dance, the lights. The whole thing needs to be efficient. But on a serious note, if you are putting pressure on yourself, it has to be some like seductive act with an hour and stuff. Like if I thought to myself, oh, let's do that. Oh, I've got to spend bloody 25 minutes giving her a full body massage and then this, that

and the other. So you can't be asked for that, can you? You don't want to give me a full body massage. Do you know what I mean? No, like it would be the same for you. No, like, know what works. Yeah, exactly. Get in, get it done and get out.

That's... You still feel the same after. So, I feel like that's why I haven't had boredom. What I'm bored of is constantly overthinking about it, worrying, all the blimmin' perfectionism and rejection. That's what I'm bored of. Yeah, okay. Not the actual act.

So I think that's also important to remember. Like are you bored of the actual action or is it just all of this rubbish that comes with it? And if you could just, you know, do your little dance if you're feeling good. Yeah, fine. See what happens. Right, number 10. Last one. just, you know, do your little dance if you're feeling good. Yep, fine. See what happens. Right, number 10.

Last one. It's a heavy one. Oh no. Soz. What? Past trauma. Oh my God. We couldn't go one bloody podcast episode

without you mentioning trauma, could we? Couldn't do it. I'm gonna get there one time. I don't know how many episodes we've done like 30, 40. It definitely comes up every time. Sorry ladies and gents, it's my entire personality. But yeah, past trauma. So lots of ADHD people have experienced trauma. It might be of a relational nature because we do have a habit of not being able to spot red flags. Red flags. Not in real life. You can in movies. Oh, I can always see the villain in a movie, but in real life, I'm like, they look like a great best friend. Yeah. They're not. So obviously

that can be emotional trauma that makes you a bit jumpy or not trusting of people and to be having a good time in the old bedroom, you've got to be trusting. Not saying every ADHD person at all has had sexual trauma in our relationship. That's you that's had the old big T trauma. I have had childhood experiences that definitely add into issues and problems. It's just being aware of it, talking about it. If you are having a really, really difficult time with shame or triggers around this subject, you're not broken. No, and I also would say just to add to that, and this could relate to this one and this one and many others. If you're having to, if you feel like you're having to pretend to be someone else to do it, then then something's probably wrong. And so you see the honesty and the

communication is huge, I think. Isn't that huge for ADHD is though the masking. So they might be covering up something, they're feeling uncomfortable, they're feeling triggered, something's going on. But they're so used to masking everything. Yeah, they cover up, you don't tell your partner and then you lose intimacy. Actually, intimacy comes most from emotions and talking and telling each other the truth and from that space, sparks fly. This has been the ADHD girls guide to sex. We would love to hear from you in the comments. Does medication help? Have you got another hack that we've never heard that might help

all of us? Give us a like, follow or subscribe wherever you are watching and we hope too. What? What are you looking at me for? See you next week. Oh, see you next week. I didn't know that's what you were going to... I was going to say see you next week but then you were like we hope too and I was like what? Am I missing something? Anyway, see you next week.