LATE BLOOMERS - THE ADHD PARTNER SURVIVAL GUIDE: 10 hacks for a happier relationship

Episode Date: September 10, 2025

Being in love with an ADHDer is equal parts chaos, comedy, and connection. In this episode of LATE BLOOMERS, Rich and Rox dive into The ADHD Partner Survival Guide: 10 strategies for a happier relationship. From time blindness to forgotten anniversaries, we share the hacks that have saved our sanity (and our marriage). Expect raw honesty, plenty of laughter, and a few “oh my god, that’s us” moments along the way. Whether you’re the ADHDer, the long-suffering partner, or both, this episode will help you feel seen — and maybe even a little more hopeful about love in the madness. 20% off Loop Earplugs: https://www.loopearplugs.com/pages/lp-adhdlove

How to not lose your mind if you've got an ADHD partner. Today's episode is going to be talking through strategies to help you survive those difficult moments. Well, so it's basically a whole episode surviving me. I haven't even got cards because I'm effectively a prop. I am the thing that you are. You don't need cards. I've got plenty. I've got four cards with 10 strategies.

Welcome to late bloomers where we are getting our lives together. The other... Eventually. Right. Okay, that's getting longer, I feel. Like, you're going to... Is that what your survival tips? That is, yeah.

Just, yeah. So, should I start? Should I just get straight into it? Because there's a lot of strategies here. I want to cover them all. I don't want to leave any out. They're all as important as each other. Hit me.

Strategy one. Acceptance first. So stop trying to fix your ADHD, work with the brain and not against it. See, that's quite nice. That is quite nice. So basically, you're accepting I have ADHD.

Yeah. So it is going to be a bit chaos. It's going to be different. It's going to be a wild ride. We're going to be having fun da-da-da-dun. Fund-da-dun-done. And, like, there's things that you can do. So I accept that you're just going to lose stuff all of the time.

And, like, because I accept, I'm at peace with that. Oh. I am at peace with that. I don't think you were when we were first together and I think lots of people listening might be in that place and it's brutal. You want the ADHD gone.

You want the ADHD to effectively live like you do to be clean on time, like just be a basic normal adult and that can cause trouble because that's just not going to happen, is it? Yeah, but that's the thing. Not only do I want your ADHD to be gone, so do you. So it's not like there's no need and it's not helpful for there to be conflict about it

because you want the same thing. So it stresses you out as well. ADHD, be gone. But I love that. So it's basically, if you've got an ADHD partner, friend, kid, whatever in your life, the biggest thing is you aren't going to fix it, you aren't going to get rid of it. You have to learn to work with it. Big time. So a nice one to start with. God. I'm going to steam into the second one. Strategy two, pick your battles. Know what is truly important versus what you can let go. Okay. I think that is really important for you because when we were first together, everything was a battle. You need to be home on time when dinner's ready. You have to text me throughout the day. You can't lose your phone. Wait, hang on a

minute. You're making me sound like a tyrant. It wasn't like you. No, no, no. have to be home. That is not, for everyone listening, that is not how it was. Listen, I'm summarising. But you were constantly pissed off with me. Rightly so, because we didn't even know it was ADHD. So I was just a walking disaster. A hundred percent. So whilst it wasn't, you have to be home on time, it would upset me if we would like make a dinner plan. Yeah. You committed to be home at a certain time. And you not only weren't home on time you'd already eaten while you're out so like I'd cook dinner and you were like I'm not really hungry and then it went to a stage of you would

not say that you'd eat and try to eat the dinner that I'd cooked so now but this is so important right so that you know people might be listening to that thinking well that is important and the tip is to just not do dinner have no expectations if you're out I'll see you when I see you. Like, if you're here when I'm doing dinner, you get dinner. If you're not, then you won't. Like, it's all good either way. I think it's important that is each relationship dynamic will have the battles that they want to fight for and the ones that they don't.

So for you, you let go of if I'm out in the day meeting a friend or songwriting, it's like, I don't know when she's home. Yeah. Some time tonight. Yeah. And people ask me still, when's Rock's home? No idea. Absolutely no clue. You became so much happier because effectively, if you are relying on your ADHD for timekeeping and if they're not on time, that's going to stress you out, you are, that you're relying on something that isn't reliable. Yeah. But then there's some stuff. Like airports. Like airports that is a battle. I'm not allowed to pat the morning of the flight.

which is what I always used to do. I'm not allowed to arrive one hour before, which is what I always used to do. That is non-negotiable. We're packing the night before and we're going to be there three hours early. And I don't want to blow my own trumpet because I know this is the episode of like me being the prop chaos.

However, because I know that's really important to you and because so much other stuff is accepted and allowed and we live with all this like love and vibes when something is a battle that you're like, I listen now. And you know, right? You know the things, because I'll have two modes.

I'll be like my instant reaction quite often, I think it might be the autism that we haven't. Is my instant reaction is like, oh no, I don't like change, don't like that. So I need a minute to get used to it. And that can be the case with some of the stuff that's let go.

That's still my immediate reaction but stuff like flights and plane and packing i'm like no there is no room for allowance you don't get a say in this we're packing the night before we're leaving when i say we're going to leave and to be fair although that feels like a bit like rigid and structured at the airport recently you were like oh this is actually really nice there's no panic so lovely to not be rushing to know where my passport is and to not be called out on the tannoy yeah for being late so yeah pick pick the things that are really important to you and just vibe a little bit with the others, see what you can let go.

Strategy three, humour is survival. Oh my God. So if you don't laugh, you can often cry. Or get divorced. Or get divorced. And I don't want to get divorced for a third time. No. So I'm just going to laugh.

I'm going to laugh the night away. Laugh the life away. I think actually we are constantly. constantly laughing at me. And it's not... Yeah, not in a mean way. Not in a mean way. Actually, the whole family does.

Cia does. Lily does. We have just an atmosphere of, yeah, laughing when I do silly things. And I love it. It's not bullying. It's not mean. It's making light of it. And actually my whole life, my forgetfulness,

you're walking in a room while you're here. I don't know. I've been so ashamed of those behaviours, It's desperate to cover them up, to mask them. The fact is just out in the open, and then we all just take the piss and laugh. Now, the one caveat I would say, though, you have to earn the right for that.

Right, let me explain. Oh, yeah. There is a lot of love and acceptance, genuine care, real deep conversations about how, like, roll in your eyes makes you feel and stuff like that. You can't just only have humour. So think of a character.

There's probably one in the family, certainly a friend, or not a friend, that just laughs at you. Do you know what I mean? They think that's a show of love, but there's no, like, care in the background. It's just the whole thing is built on taking the Mick out of you. Laughter is the cherry on top of the delicious Sunday, which is all the love and acceptance. So, yeah, of course, it can't just be a random person

or a non-validating family member mocking and laughing. That would be awful. But it's more just part of our daily lives. So historically, if I would lose my wallet, that would cause panic attack, shame, crying, self-hatred in me, worry, maybe a bit of frustration in you. Now it's just like, I think I've lost my wallet. Like, again, we just laugh at it and it takes the sting out of it. I have to say, though, your current wallet, you've had for years. Like, it's crazy.

I know. But that's why all of this works. strategy for systems instead of nagging so use stuff like reminders apps this house is full of whiteboards and like that which is helpful it's visual it works versus me just nagging you and like and I can like I'm human I'm never going to sit here and say I'm perfect at having a relationship with an ADHD I'm pretty good but I still will nag you occasionally with the clothes on the floor and stuff like that. It's the wear again shelf is the one area

when I've never got a hold of it and you've never, that's one of your battles and it's one thing I haven't yet to fix so that we will continue working on that but yeah I really agree with stuff like whiteboards, visual reminders something you always say is like

not setting someone up to fail and nagging is always this thing like oh have you not done it or have you forgotten again it's almost like there's no help there's no support you watch someone fail and then nag into it and obviously you're if you're nagging you're really frustrated so it's horrible for you too whereas almost like go back before the nag even starts before i've even forgotten what can you put in here that's so it's so true and it's like it's crazy right there must be some psychoanalytical reason for people that do this but like if you can if you think about you remember in my birthday there's

before this before like systems in place and helping and supporting your ADHD which is naturally forgetful you struggle with working memory there would be like some although you would be upset I would be upset that you forgot my birthday there was also some like six satisfaction that like I don't help you I expect you to remember and then sit there both upset but also in some moral victory that it's really it's really dark i don't understand i think it's very human you've explained it so amazingly i think it's better to feel right than to feel forgotten yeah so you get to kind of i knew you'd forget yeah you've forgotten again that sense of i was right you were wrong i wouldn't forget that feels better

than thinking someone forgot me. Yeah. Which is a really sad feeling. So I think just talking about it and moving through is amazing. But yeah, I have now birthdays, including my own birthday in my calendar, so I get reminders. I use the Dubby app to remind me to clean my own teeth. We have a whiteboard where we tick off and use like special little magnets for when we film my ADHD love videos. It's all visual, it's reminders, it's set up. And that just

takes the burden off you. And it makes me feel better as well. Yeah. One quick question about the calendar reminders for birthdays, because it's my 40th soon. Oh, I know. So, so relevant. When you say you have calendars including your own, do you have them on the day? Because that feels risky to me. Or do you have them like a week before, like, which is birthday in a week? Because I can see some flaws in the on the day reminders. what I put on the day but I've just realised in that moment if I put it on the day

I've totally missed the window to organise anything party, booked in a present Look this is a live example of putting systems in place so it's nothing to worry about but after this maybe we set a reminder a week before So you need the person's birthday in your diary

and a week before the reminder that says birthday coming in a week Yeah we need to Yeah we need to sort that out strategy five how you find the strategy so far i'm loving it good all right so next one divide and conquer so play to strengths which for you creativity otherwise it can feel like one big problem solving activity to try and fix your ADHD symptoms playing to strengths in a relationship is so big and i feel like very often people in

a relationship, you just want to split everything 50-50, and that feels fair. But actually, you need to think, what is each person best at and can they take on more work there? So that overall, the team works in the best way that it can. And yeah, I just think that's, I think that's just game-changing. Well, I still occasionally have to remind you of this, because let's be honest. If you think about our businesses, all the banking and all of that, all of the admin I do all of. For

music, for ADHD, love for the podcast, all of it. And you can sometimes be like, oh, I feel bad. You're doing everything. Thanks so much. But I'm like the books we write, you take all of the heavy lifting for those books. Because I just couldn't

do it by myself. I'm just not, I wouldn't be able to. So I need to remind you of that. When you feel a little bit shame that things are happening and it's you're not involved and I'm doing it none of this would exist without you like these are weird ideas dubby wouldn't exist the podcast wouldn't have got started ADHD love ideas would be rubbish that just comes from the mind of a maniac that's me I think one thing to just quickly say on that is that an ADHD will often just feel so much guilt they'll want to mask they'll want to push themselves

to do 50-50 and And that will often come at a really high cost and they won't be able to ask for a change. So it's sitting down with your partner, with your kid, whoever it is, and working out a system, looking at each other's strengths and actually saying that that's okay, you tell me that it's okay that I don't do all the laundry like you do because I do these other things in the family system. And that's just, yeah, that's crazy. Strategy six.

Before you get into that, I have a very quick thing to say. Are you ready? Yeah. Right. It is podcast sponsorship time. And I can't believe how lucky we are to have loop earplugs because it's something that we actually use. I can't leave the house with that one, to be honest. So we haven't got a lie and pretend something's great when it's not because we actually love them.

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Yeah. If I'm talking too much or watching something you don't want to watch. we have loop engage i use these if i'm going out to a restaurant and i still want to hear what rich is saying but i don't want to hear like the ten families around me amazing and then there's loop experience which is when i drag you to a rock show which i like they are literally game changing for me because before i was overstimulated just wanted to leave but these just drown out just take the edge off i mean i got to go to lincoln park and see spirit box with you probably because the loop in. Yep. So go and check it out and yeah, enjoy your 20%. Right, back to you.

Strategy 6, self-care for partners. This one's all about me. Good. We've obviously talked a lot about how much the ADHD needs supporting for both people in the relationship. But actually, what's really important for the non-ADHD partner is to have your own boundaries, your own downtime, and not to be afraid to ask for what you need. 100% I think if you are with someone with ADHD and ADHD are in your family we are asking you to find acceptance to be kind to work hard to make that lovely environment where we can thrive

we sometimes get that comment on social media where people are oh it's all about her what about him and I'm like it's ADHD love I wish it was autism love maybe we need to do that too but caring for you is such a huge part of the equation because that love and acceptance has to go both ways so for you I've had to learn that you can get overstimulated in busy environments

and you might need to leave early and that you at home you can get sometimes stressed if there's too much on your plate you've taken on too much and you might need to have the afternoon off or to go and book a golf day, I know that sometimes you find it hard to say what you're feeling. So you might need a little cuddle and me to, like, speak you through it. So as much as, you know, you are providing all this acceptance and love and vibes,

of course that has to come the other way. A relationship cannot be just one way. No. The other thing that you do really well, which shows a bit of a sacrifice on your part, is you will sometimes manage your own impulsivity because you know if you just like fire different ideas and change plans at me all the time my head explodes so you will like find a way to calmly like talk about the idea no pressure like just to put it in my head without like we need

to change and do this immediately because I'm like yeah and I think that's about me managing my own ADHD and seeing the effect that it has on those around me, yes, sure, impulsivity is one of the symptoms, but if you're in a loving, committed relationship with someone, and I'm like, can we go to the water park today? And that's going to stress you out. Like, I have to learn to control those impulsive. I'm still going to ask. I'll just do it in like a slower, steady way. Maybe it's not next weekend, maybe it's next weekend, not today. Or maybe there's a, uh, uh, not a sacrifice like an allowance for what the plans were today like where else do they fit in anyway so strategy seven communicate simply now i feel like i'm naturally quite good at this anyway

but that's just the way my my brain is is built but to not expect you to read between the lines or know how i'm feeling without verbalizing it or just this game that people play where you just expect the other person to know, just say it. With ADHD, two things are pretty much guaranteed. You're going to be an overthinker because, yes, your brain is hyperactive and you have RSD. So you are inclined to think everybody hates you. So when you're communicating with people, those two things do not make for a really fun

time because I think everyone's going to secretly hate me. And I overthink and I ruminate on that all of the time. So being with someone that is super clear, by the way, that's also if I've pissed you off. Yeah. This thing has upset me. Can we talk about it? I love that. It's like a breath of fresh air. What's very difficult is seeing body language change or someone look at you differently or sometimes I may be reading into it like a text message. You can't hear tone.

Yeah. What is interesting, though, that although it really helps you, it's a sign of how few people actually do communicate simply and directly, because at first, it felt quite uncomfortable because people don't do it. And it's taken some getting used to for you, hasn't it? I think at first, I probably just wanted to be like, babyed and cuddled and spoken to you. You know, that's its own journey that obviously one of the reasons I'm in therapy. One of the many reasons. But actually, that isn't right either. You don't want all nicy, softy, because that's not real.

And then you can feel that in someone. And you don't want just horrible. Clear, kind, honest. Sometimes that's going to be beautiful. Sometimes it'll be tough. Sometimes it's direct. But if you are, I think that the key there is kindness. Like when you're saying be clear, be kind, be simple, that isn't like you've pissed me off again with your memory.

Tone matters. It always comes with kindness. It would be like, Bubby, this is a bit frustrating. You did say you were really going to try hard not to lose it. You let me know that it's upset you, but in a kind way. Yeah. Strategy eight, three more to go. We've sort of covered this already.

expect lateness and mess. So a lowered bar equals lower stress levels. Oh, God, I hate this one. I hate that you have to say, expect lateness and mess. That makes me want to just run for the hills and say, stop the episode at Strategy 7. We can't. I know. And it's not your fault.

Like, that's you, that's you aligning your ADHD with you as a person. person. But makes me feel so embarrassed that like I'm an adult human that's 40 and a strategy to survive living with me is that you have to expect lateness and mess. Like it's embarrassing. I'm just being real. I'm just being real. Like I hate that you have to do that. Yeah, but babe, like it's, it's crazy that you're thinking like that because we've just spoke about. one, not aligned in ADHD with you as a person. That's not you. That's your ADHD symptoms. So it's just more acceptance that you will find stuff like that difficult. In the same token, the other side of that coin is you can create these worlds that loads of people watch, listen to and your

music as well. Like, I couldn't do that. And you do do that. So like whilst there's a lower expectation of you making the bed, there's a higher expectation of you for the creativity because I'll be like, I'll come to you. I'll be like, babe, I need to post a story. I'm rubbish at it. Can you just put the text in the right place, please? Because I can't do it. Yeah, okay. I know that you're right and it's just difficult, it's difficult for me to accept and put on the internet, but like I've never figured it out and I never will. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be messy. And I do really hear you, though, if you expect those things, you are never going to be let down and I'm never going to be judged because it's a feeling of constant okayness. It's going to be a bit messy. She's probably going to be a bit late. It's pre-written into our environment that it's okay if those things happen rather than what I used to live like, which was mess and lateness were socially unacceptable. So I forced myself sometimes to mask, to try and get it right, and I'd make it sometimes, and then I'd drown again.

Final point, though, I want to say on this one, which is true, whatever you say, although I expect you to be late and it to be more messy, when and because that's accepted, you're actually more on time and tidier than ever. That is so true. and there's real science behind it because when an ADHD person is stressed, symptoms get worse. And if someone is, if you know you're going to be shouted at eye rolled judged for being late and also you're going to hate and shame yourself for being late or being messy, the bar you're setting is so high. Do not be late, do not be messy or else you failed. Guess what? We're going to fail. And that stress of being seen in that way makes every everything worse, it makes you messy, it makes you later. When you just accept it, look at it

for what it is, the stress lowers. The symptoms are a bit easier. I'm not saying I'm never late, but I'm certainly better than what I used to be. 100%. Right, strategy 9. Again, I'm not going to repeat what we've previously said, but celebrate superpowers of your ADHD. You touched on that in the last one. Just a very quick thing about superpowers. Yeah. I am in a point in my life where I am able to look at some of the ADHD in me and be like, whoa, superpower, okay? Ten years ago, living in a basement flat, unable to pay my electricity bill, late on rent, getting CCJs like court orders for unpaid bills,

changing jobs, alcohol problems. There was no superpowers going on, like just staying alive. every day was the only superpower I had. So, like, I think we just want to be careful. We're going to talk a little bit about superpower, but not everyone's, like, in that space. No, and I think it's an important point to make because the internet is quite divisive on this topic.

Like, there you've got one camp saying ADHD is a superpower, blah, blah, blah. The other people saying, how dare you say that? Like, I can't even, like you said, I can't survive. I'm just struggling to get by. both of both can be true dependent on personal circumstances and support it's support the key to seeing ADHD is a superpower to having support not everyone has that and but in terms of our relationship and how you see me you're always saying that you know I'm very creative and empathetic as well we can walk into a pub you'll sort of know how everyone is you'll be the voice

that champions whether you're noticing how people are feeling within the household, especially me, actually. I'm pretty good at seeing where my kids are potentially feeling a little bit uncomfortable, bad, I can tell by their body language. I'm terrible at seeing it for me. You really highlight that for me.

So, yeah, there's loads. There's oodles of superpowers. Empathy and creativity are kind of the two ones. and I think very often you haven't been able to explore those because you're so busy hating yourself for failing at the basic things. So if you have a partner, parent, friend that is reflecting back to you, there are things that you do very well in this world that others don't. It can be incredibly healing.

Like you've made me feel free to step into music and app development and book writing. I didn't ever get to those levels of kind of free. freedom without you because yeah I was drowning just trying to get by and be normal but I was working in a job that I hated for 20 years so I would still be there it wasn't for you so it's true though like each other we we've helped each other so much live the life that we teamwork makes the dream work well last strategy and I think this is potentially the most important one if you forget the first nine don't forget this one and it's really

simple. It's the same team mentality. So it's not me versus you or me upset with you or I'm annoyed with you because you're late. It's like this symptom of ADHD is quite annoying for both of us. How can we work together? Oh my God. It's not you versus me. It's us versus ADHD. Yeah. That is probably the one change in the first year of our relationship when I found out I had it that probably saved our relationship. Big time. You stopped trying to fight me to change, feeling let down by me, upset by me.

I stopped hating myself, being overly defensive. And we just looked at it, right, hello, we've got this funny little blob thing here and it makes you a bit late and a bit forgetful. How are we going to work with this together and come up with strategies so you're happy, I'm happy and everyone feels loved? Because just arguing all the time in a loving relationship is horrible. And we get so many comments on social media. It always makes me sad from people that say, I got divorced.

And I think this is why because we didn't know and we just used to fight all the time. So that's why it's so important to talk about. so you have this, like, lovely, lovely vibe at home. I will say on a slightly lighter note, funnier note, that although it's me and you versus ADHD, we never win the battle. ADHD is strong. We learn to integrate, accept and manage.

It's not a battle that can be one. ADHD is like, I'm here. You will accept me. You will work around me. And that's it. Well, that was lovely. I hope you found those 10 strategies for living with somebody like me. useful. I certainly did. You're so lovely and I can't thank you enough for being that type of

person. If you have liked this episode, give us a like, subscribe, follow all of that jazz. And babe, have you seen my phone? No.