LATE BLOOMERS - THE NEURODIVERGENT LOVE RULES: The Relationship Advice ADHD & Autistic Couples Actually Need

Episode Date: July 15, 2026

This week on LATE BLOOMERS, Rich and Rox are taking apart five pieces of relationship advice everyone treats as gospel — and explaining why they fall apart completely when one or both of you is neurodivergent."If they wanted to, they would." "Never go to bed angry." "They should just know." Rox explains why her memory has nothing to do with how much she loves Rich, Rich makes the case for going to bed mid-argument, and the dishwasher gets stacked twice. There's also a birthday story that nearly ends in a domestic.If you've ever been told your relationship is doing it wrong, this one's for you.20% off Loop Earplugs: https://www.loopearplugs.com/adhdlove

Most relationship advice assumes that you are neurotypical. But what happens if you or your partner has got ADHD, autism or some other kind of neurodivergence, that same advice can actually destroy your relationship. Today, we're going to talk about it. Welcome to late bloomers. Well, we are getting our lives together. Loop, ear plugs. I don't like that.

Oh, sorry. Why not? No, I don't. That's horrible. Big sorry to everyone there. Okay, so listen, this is big. Yeah, huge. How many have we got?

We've got five lies, things that we've just believed from birth in a neurotypical society about what makes a happy, healthy functioning relationship and why it's just a load of rubbish when it comes to us wonky brains. Probably not birth, though, is it? Because you wouldn't know any of it at birth. So like when you're a bit older, maybe thinking about relationships, maybe 13, 14. This is why these rules are needed. So you're ready for lie, big old, neurotypical lie number one?

Yes. It's kind of a two-parter. Okay. If they wanted to, they would. and if they cared, they'd remember. Oh, well, I mean, I'm hoping this is a lie because if how you cared for me was based on your memory, you do not hold me at high regard.

So we're talking birthdays, anniversaries, everything. You know that like if they wanted to, they would, it's like if a guy hasn't bought you the flowers or whatever, if they wanted to, they would. It just assumes we're all the same and it assumes negative impact if someone isn't doing something. I mean, that phrase is ridiculous

because if they wanted to, they would, is true. Like the reason that they aren't is that they don't want to. No, because I would want to never forget an anniversary or a birthday. Oh, okay. I stand corrected. I was thinking of flowers, though.

I don't buy you flowers I wouldn't what a perfect example by the way it seems like buying flowers as soon as like romantic if someone buys me flowers I'm like oh no

it's a task because you have to cut the ends find a jug to put it in fill up the water and then it's going to die it's like a task and they're a nightmare because they go all dry

and then we leave them too long and then they disintegrate all over the counter and then they take up loads of valuable bin space Yeah, because they're all sticky. So look, this line number one, if they wanted to, they would. If they cared, they'd remembered.

It's like, yeah, anniversaries might be texting all day, every day, might be popping to the shop to get toilet roll and coming back without it. Yeah, and I think this is, so we struggled with this at the start of our relationship, and I'm sure most people that are in a relationship with an ADHD, person will struggle with this until they reframe it in their mind that it doesn't mean that they don't care when they when, not even if, when they forget some stuff. So neurotypical society basically says that somebody's memory is a measure of how much they love you. Yeah. And that assumes that everyone's got the same access to memory. And if someone

forgets, they've done it on purpose. Yeah. And actually, we don't all have. the same access to memory. No, we do not. Unfortunately, we do not. Your life would be a lot easier, not just in this lane, if you did have a memory that was functional at all. Yeah. Like, I am going to, like, be a bit of a hater right now.

Towards who? My own memory. Oh, right, yeah. Like, I hate it. Yeah. I hate how forgetful. I lose my phone 10 times a day in my own house. your phone has got worse recently.

So like on filming days, I think you'll say, where's my phone 15 times? Yeah. Like immediate, like you had it five seconds ago and you're like, oh, where's my phone?

And it could be genuine. We could spend 10 minutes looking for it. No, it's always genuine. This is the thing I wish people understood about ADHD. It never gets better. You never learn from the mistake. Oh, you've lost your phone 15 times. Maybe, no.

It's always there. It's constant. It makes you feel rubbish. And if I wanted to, I would. No, because this memory box is broken. And I'm sorry. I think we should find a way of attaching it to you. Yeah.

Like a wrist strap or something. Yeah. Or like an arm pocket. Or waist or belt or something. I'm down. I'm down because I can't keep going like this. I've triggered myself Anyway, so that's the first lie

Right, lie number two No Oh, what? No, we need the neurodivergent reframe The neurodivergent rule Oh God To have in its place You ready?

Yeah Love isn't measured By memory It's measured by repair And effort That's a bit long, isn't it? It's not as good as if they wanted to, they would But like, basically don't judge memory, is the person trying?

Is this poor little bugger trying their best? Can somebody think of a better way to frame that, though? That is the poor bugger trying their best? Because no one's remembering that. What? We've all got bad memories. Literally. No one's remembering anything.

But like, the whole point is, right, remember that time when I got the wrong train home and I ended up turning up late to our anniversary dinner? Yeah. I was genuinely, I didn't turn up and go like, yeah, like, ADHD time blindness, like, what are you going to do? I was like in tears, I was so sorry. How can I make it up to you? Had I stopped this from happening? Like, you could see that I was devastated by turning up late to that dinner.

Yes. So that's all I'm saying. Like, is the poor little bugger try and that? No, I know what you're saying. You've just chosen to basically effectively say memory doesn't matter. you've chosen the most difficult phrase to remember. So that's all I'm saying. On to line number two.

No, don't stop whispering. It's horrible. Here put, no. Right. Can I go line number two now? Yeah. Have you got the reframing of all of these? No, you've got it on a button of your card.

Oh yeah, okay. Cool. Perfect. That one's long as well. Right. Line number two. Never go to bed. Angry. Right. Well, I've believed that my whole life as a sweet little rule of love. Never go to bed on an argument.

The thing is, if we have an argument, which is very rare. A bit more frequent these days. Yeah. If you're telling me to force through the argument to a conclusion before I go to bed, it's going badly. Like sometimes that's exactly where I need to be is in bed. I have tried to do this with you. Like, I want this resolve now. Talk to me. And it just doesn't, if you are still really annoyed and working out the logics in your head, you'll be like, I'm still really upset with you.

So no, I don't want to talk to you. Yeah. I feel, I kind of understand the premise, right? And I think I used to think of it like, maybe this is really dark. It says something about me. If someone died in their sleep, you wouldn't have wanted to go to bed on an argument. That's really dark. Is it?

Yeah. I get the logic. But yeah. So don't go to bed and argument just in case you die. I think about you and me dying a lot. Obviously because my mum died when I was younger. So I think that it does mess up your brain. So that's maybe not what they meant.

Maybe they just mean, what do they mean? Don't go to bed on an argument. Maybe I understand if I'm not going away for a week or whatever. You don't want to have a blazing row and then I leave. Like that would. That would be allowed. You wouldn't be allowed to get in the car on an argument because of my death spiral. But that's something else entirely.

This thing like, don't go to bed on argument. It just assumes that both people have got access to fix it in that moment. Yeah. And actually both of us, if you come from ADHD autistic lens, I'll say it. I'm not afraid to say it. I can be like an emotional rollercoaster. Yes, you can. And you can be a sort of shut down emotional recluse.

Yeah. So you've got a shut down emotional recluse in a sort of autistic shutdown. And you've got emotional roller coaster like ADHD emotional flooding. I don't think it's sensible to like put those, to drag you. you onto the roller coaster. Oh, it's not, it's not even not sensible. It just won't work.

It won't work. You have to be regulated. That's what we're looking for. Yeah, so don't force an argument. If one of you is spiraling, let's try and stop the spiral. If one of you is in shutdown and need some time alone,

go and have some time alone. And what I've noticed with you, sometimes a night of sleep resets your, allows you to access logic, whereas you were maybe angry the night before. Well, same for me as well. I think it will be the same for all humans, not typical or not, because what you often realize the next day when you wake up is that it doesn't actually matter.

Whatever you were arguing about, it's so relevant and pointless. It can feel like the most important thing in the moment that you wake up and go, that's a bit silly, isn't it? So yeah, what's the new neurodivergent, catchy, short, well-written rule? Well, it's a bit longer than never go to bed angry. Let me just disclaimer, I didn't write it. Never try and solve a problem with a dysregulated brain. That's bloody gorgeous.

What's your problem with that? I think it could be more succinct. Go on then. What? Go on then. Only argue regulated. Yes, all right. It hasn't got the spice level of meat.

Right, on to line number three. You ready? Yeah. Oh, this is tasty. Communication is everything. I mean, communication is important. Yeah. Can you elaborate?

Because I'm sort of agreeing with it at the moment. Yeah, yeah. So when in that sort of neurotypical framing, communicate, communicate, what that means is talk, talk. So like talk, say everything, talking is good communication. It is not you have to be understood. We can sit and talk each other and not actually understand what the other going through, their motivations, intentions, what they meant.

Especially if you're coming on it from different sides of a spectrum, it isn't just talking. There needs to be an understanding of like the differences within that. So as a really simple example, let's say we were having a little argument, but you were trying to give me advice and I needed a cuddle. Yeah. Well, we were talking, we were communicating,

but we weren't being understood. Yeah. Okay. So it's making sure that you're really understanding. And so if you think about you, autistic brain, literal thinking, logical thinking. Think about me with ADHD. Often emotions are heightened. There might be like RSD triggers in there as well. Yeah.

You have to take that into account. So it's not just communication. It's listening, understanding as well. Okay. Because you often feel very misunderstood by me in an argument. Yeah. Even though you're communicating with me. Not even in an argument.

broadly. Like you'll you'll think, no, this isn't a bad thing, but you will think that I'm like upset or angry

and stuff like that. I'm not fine. I'm like, what? You're just quiet. I'm learning more now. You're just a quiet little sausage. I love peace.

Like it's a quiet little life and just looking off what you're thinking nothing. Bloody lovely. Okay. The very short, sweet, catchy, is,

God, it is long. Don't assume your partner heard what you meant. Check what they actually understood. Oh my God. Well, can you help me like then? Babe, this, no, yeah, that, it was great. It was great. That little monologue.

So, that old phrase. I've got it. Rather than communication is everything. True understanding is everything. There we go. There you go. All right. Before we get on to number four,

I'm just going to take a very quick break for our amazing sponsor. We are incredibly lucky on the Late Blooms podcast because our sponsor is the amazing loop earplugs. If you are neurodivergent, there is a high chance that you might be sensitive to sound. That can mean that going out to a restaurant can be full of destructions and going to a gig might actually be physically painful for your gorgeous little ears. And luckily for you, there is a pair of loop earplugs for all of those things.

We have put our favourites on our website with loop earplugs. And you can find it in the show notes of this episode or in our social media bios. Every single one of our listeners gets 20% off. We really hope that you enjoy it. Line number four, they should just know what you need. Oh my God, this one makes me so wildly angry. It's correct. So we're talking mind reading hints, passive aggressive, like whatever.

I feel like this is a big part of the world. You should just know. Like you should just know what I would want for Christmas. you should just know that I would want that window. It's really so strange because what is being said is like, you should be a mind reader. You should be psychic. That's...

It's so stupid. Right. So I understand logically why it's a thing because it's like if you're really connected and blah blah, blah, we're as close as we say we are. You should, we should be mind-melded and you should just know how. I think and feel whatever. Like, no, I'm a human, you're a human. Tell me what you want and I'll maybe do it.

I remember had a friend once or an acquaintance. Friend or acquaintance? Friend then. Okay, yeah. Friend of me. And this friend, you'll know exactly what I mean. I already know who you mean. Used to go absolutely mental if she didn't like.

like the Christmas present she was bought by like friends and family. But they would have been the ones to say, I shouldn't need to tell you what I like as well. Like they'd do both. They wouldn't tell someone. Oh no, she'd be like, they should know me. The fact,

I remember once she was bought like this gorgeous set of like skincare, but she's got a scent in it that I don't like. They should know that's not my vibe. She like character destroyed someone, this bought presents. And that happened. Because she was allergic to ginger or something.

I don't even think there was an allergy. I think it was just being a bit of a knob. And I saw that over and over again. And it was like, if it's that important, you need to tell somebody what's important to you. However, I've got to hold my hands up by it. You've done this to me. Is that where you're just about to fess up to? Yes. You've only ever done it once to me. The birthday. Yeah. I've probably done it. Let's be real, babe. I've probably done it more times and you've just missed the so than I've had to ask. Like in the early days.

Wasn't it easier just asking, wasn't it? Do you know what I mean? No, no. Just asking is easier. There's this sense. I sometimes see it on the internet when it's like, I don't want to have to ask

my partner to give me a massage because then it takes away from them actually wanting to do it. So it's like, not only do you want the thing, the gift, the massage, the help with the house. you don't want to have to ask for it.

It's like that's part of the gift. Part of it being enjoyed is that it wasn't requested. Yeah. I understand it, but it's still ridiculous. I think it damages, it makes it very difficult for autistic people who are literal thinkers who don't pick up on social clue crumbing. Well, and it will make it difficult for the people with autistic partners because good luck knowing what I want.

Like you think I'm angry when I'm not. Yeah. So unless you actually speak, then it's not working. Yeah. You have to speak and you have to, I don't know, it's almost like there's some romance in like mind reading or guessing, but there's just not, if you're neurodivergent, just say it how it is.

If you need it, say it. By the way, for the birthday, just for those that are wondering, because she never really elaborated. She had told me for five years solidly that she hated birthdays, never wanted to celebrate it, all that sort of stuff. Then she went to therapy,

loads, therapist said maybe lean into your birthday. She was like, actually, yeah, this is why I don't celebrate my birthday. Let's celebrate. And then it was like, want to do something for my birthday.

And I'm like, what do you want to do? And it was like, well, I want to leave it to you. Yeah. I wanted you to like throw me apart. and do something special. Yeah, but I was like, what are we talking?

Hotel me and you? No, I want the family, right. But I was like, please, please tell me and I'll make it happen. By the way, this was like 72 hours before your actual birthday as well. It's like three days. That is 72 hours. Exactly. Yeah, exactly three days.

That's awkward. To the hour. Max, feel free if you want to cut that out. Is that three days? Bloody. Okay. So we're agreeing that that that's not. nonsense, yeah?

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. What are you doing? This is a podcast. What's the new rule, darling? What's the neuro-advergent, catchy rule? Well, the one that's too long is say clearly and kindly anything you need. Stunning, gorgeous, clear kind. But just a simpler one could be like, just communicate your needs or just say what you want,

or just ask any one of those three is more catchy Do you know what for the next episode you can come and help me write the cards No problem babe

thanks for thanks for telling me what you need or I'll be going to bed angry oh my god is it the final one yeah you ready for line number five obviously I'm ready yeah

compromise means meeting in the middle um that's not what compromise means but yeah What does compromise mean? Well, compromise means reaching an agreement. It doesn't... In the middle of two.

You're here, I'm here, me in the middle. One could be like... It's, yeah. It's okay. Is that the autism like... No, fine. Well, I suppose a good example of this is... Is let's not divide tasks into.

Like, let's not do half the laundry each. Yes. Is that... Yeah? Yes. Yes. So basically, it's really easy in a neurotypical partnership for both people to have a similar skill set when it comes to life, business, raising kids, cooking, cleaning, like, sort of all, it's like you've got a bit of skill in everything. Yeah. For neurodivergent people, there's wild differences in energy levels. And skill. No, but you, I'm not in insulting.

If you're saying like everyone's maybe 50% skill across the board, you can go from 1% skill. Laundry. Yeah. To 100% skill with creativity and planning and finding hotels and restaurants and stuff. Spending money. Spending money. I'm really good at spending money.

I'm really bad at laundry. Exceptional at spending money. Let's not take it. But yes, creativity. and maybe some other good things as well. But it's effectively moving out from everything has to be 50-50, everything has to be shared. Because if you force that in a neurodivergent relationship,

both of you are just going to lose? So I don't like compromises meeting in the middle. I prefer like shared labour or shared tasks down the middle or something like that. Yeah, shared tasks down the middle. Because I think actually... Contributions should be 50-50. in everything. Yeah.

Because I think a good compromise is, I'll do the laundry, you think of the video it is. That is a compromise. Oh, well, we have our own type of compromise. Yeah. Which is often one person doing 100% of something, but that's the thing that they can do fairly easily.

Yeah. It's almost like you build a life that suits your brains and like how you live rather than how you think you're meant to do it. People on the internet. don't grasp that when they watch our videos. Oh, no. Do they? Like when I do the laundry, they're like, oh, it's not fair.

I'm like, no, she does everything of other stuff. Like, it's not. Well, I think it's just very easy to judge situations and people you don't know, because sometimes you'll be doing the laundry and the comments are like, she's lazy, she's faking ADHD, weaponized incompetence. This is unfair. But then sometimes there'll be me struggling to clean up or something. And it'd be like, why is any helping her?

This is misogyny. Stop filming there and help. And it's like, whoa, no. Like, neither one of them's. It's so funny on the internet. Like, there's been videos where I've said to you, like, babe, can you do the washing up? How dare you know, it's misogy. I'm like, if only you knew, what are you talking about, misogyny?

I know, I know. But it's easy to get it wrong, isn't it? But it's all about, well, shall I give you my delicious, short, catchy, amazingly written new neurodivergent rule? Yeah, please. Build a relationship around your brains, not society's expectations. Or divide tasks based on skill. That's so much better.

Damn, divide tasks by skill. Do you know how much time and energy that, would save. But it might look weird because one might be really good at something that isn't expected. Well, you come up with all the ideas for these podcasts. And apparently they're rubbish. Well, no, just the phrases are a bit bad today. But if I tried to do it, it would take me so much longer. And the same with the laundry. You would need to wash a load four times because you would forget about it, whereas I do it once and then take it out. an area and I think this is a lovely place to finish

that really does show the difference in skill and that is stacking the dishwasher. Yeah. Now, because I am really trying to be more of an active participant in domestic labour stuff, I am really trying. So I'll like try and clean the kitchen

or like put dishes away after. Like, and really, keep on top of it so it doesn't get messy. But what happens is every time I stack the dishwasher, you will come and re-stack it. It's not to be mean. It's just so we can fit more stuff in the dishwasher. Because the way that you do it is like,

think about Tetris, the game Tetris, yeah, with all the blocks coming down. The way I stack the dishwasher, there's no holes in the blocks. There's no gaps. The way you do it, there's big gaping holes all the way up. So it fills the page quicker. I can get more pieces in there.

It's fair enough. You have a better skill than me at that, but it doesn't stop me trying. That's a relationship. And on that note, that's a close, yeah? That's a close. We've been the late bloomer's podcast. If you've had fun, give us a like, a follow, a subscribe.

And let us know in the comments, what rules do you think are a little bit crazy from the neurotypical world? And have you got some relationship hacks that us neurodivergence need to know? As always, thanks for joining us and we shall see you next week.