LATE BLOOMERS - THE NON SEX SEX GUIDE: 10 small things that make a big difference in the bedroom

Episode Date: October 29, 2025

Let’s talk about the spark. The one that doesn’t come from lingerie, role-play, or awkward “date nights with expectations.” In this episode of LATE BLOOMERS, Rich and Rox get real about the non sex sex stuff — the everyday things that quietly build (or kill) intimacy in long-term relationships. From body confidence and anger repression to sensory pleasure, deep chats, and clean sheets, they unpack ten surprisingly simple ways to feel close again without costumes or pressure. Expect laughter (Chewbacca costumes included), awkward confessions, and some genuinely life-changing insights about connection, confidence, and the psychology of desire. Whether you’re in a dry spell or just craving more closeness, this is your permission slip to rebuild intimacy one small step at a time.

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The non-sex sex sex. Yeah, so it's basically ways to get yourself more in the zone without actually having to do stuff in the bedroom. It's like everything that happens outside of the bedroom. Right, okay. This can be quite awkward and maybe embarrassing to talk about and can sometimes carry a bit of shame, but I guess it's an important conversation.

Do you know that our sex episodes of late bloomers always do the best? So it is awkward and a bit shameful But people want to talk about it Yeah, it sells apparently It sells Welcome to the late bloomer's podcast Where we are getting back on the saddle Eventually

So look, in a long-term relationship Physical intimacy is like a little roller coaster Yeah, usually to be honest on the down It's usually on the down After the longer you are in a relationship Yeah, and you have got to really try to get back on that saddle regularly. However, I sometimes feel like the ways people are told and given advice can be a bit icky and maybe a bit too much. Well, each to their

own, but I guess some of it certainly makes me feel like uncomfortable or whatever. Like, I'm not, I'm not dressing up as Chewbecker. Do you know what I mean? Like, that's not for me. Try dressing up, share a fantasy of something. And it's like, okay, I guess. I guess. it and if that is working for you, I love that. But I need like some other ways in that aren't dressing up as Chewbacca. I'm going to need to return my Chewy suit. Oh no. Oh no.

Okay. So we're going to go through 10 ways that you can boost your vibe. I like it. That isn't actually to do with buying anything weird and wonderful. Yeah. Yeah. So get ready for number one. Go.

Exercise. Oh. Scientifically proven to boost your sexual desire because of increased blood flow, endorphins and testosterone. For both male and female? For both, yeah. Right.

So starting CrossFit recently is going to be a win. I mean, I'm not saying, you know. It makes sense though, right? Like, I think you feel better about everything with exercise. Like, I feel amazing, other than the physical pain. The physical pain. Yeah, like, I feel amazing.

You know, obviously the sciencey bit, blood flow endorphins, like, yeah, cool, logical. But there's so much other stuff that it does, like we're in a working out phase at the moment. And I feel so much happier about me as a person. I'm not in bed scrolling on those mornings, all other mornings, yes, but on those mornings I'm in the gym. You are doing like hard things and kind of showing up and proving to yourself that like you're more capable than you thought. You are kind of raising blood pressure, building muscle,

and that makes you feel stronger. Like my posture's better. Like everything just all round, it's so annoying that you've got to like work out and have a tough time. But you could look at it like that, but I think it's good to work out, right? Like certainly for us, it's certainly not a bad habit to be in. Oh, no. But can you see for you how it might link to like improved?

Yeah, I think so. But I think in a weird way, mine will be a lot to do with energy levels. Now, you would think that exercising makes me have less energy because I've exerted so much of exercise. But it's like the opposite. it. If I work out in the morning, we'll go and do a CrossFit class, I am so much more productive that day and I've got more energy and more like zest for life, I suppose. Zesty boy. Exactly. And if I was just scrolling in the morning, I just, you know, you lull into that like, oh, can't be bothered to even get up, can't be bothered to do anything. And obviously,

romance time would be part of that. Well, you don't suffer so much with low libido. As you do low energy, if you've ever said to me, like, no, sorry, Bobby, not tonight. It's because you're so tired. Don't recall ever saying that, but yeah. A couple of times when you've been tired or eaten a big pizza. Right, yeah, the pizza makes sense. Because I like, I need all my energy to digest.

There you go. The next one, ready? Yeah. It's getting angry. What? During? Well, each of their own, as we've said. But no, repressed anger.

is linked to lower sexual desire. Because the act itself, it takes a bit of assertiveness and almost aggression to get in amongst it, doesn't it? So if you've shut that part of you down, people pleases, I'm looking at you, you can limit your libido. So interesting, because the last time we did an episode about this,

we had gone through like a six-month period of this barren. And if you link it to getting angry, it's only really recent through therapy that you've allowed yourself to get angry because it was always an emotion that you were incredibly uncomfortable with and still probably are a bit if I get angry and start shouting at someone on the road or whatever. You like hate it, don't you?

That's interesting because I sort of put down the barren six months to like move in house and rock it. but we've been so busy recently with I'm writing the next album, we're right in the next book and we've been fine. So I think there's really something in that. And, you know, I see it in terms of, you know, being intimate is such a full body experience. And if you've shut off anger for whatever reason, maybe it comes from, you weren't able to be angry in your home or you've learnt to people please to stay safe.

Whatever the reason, if you are uncomfortable with anger in yourself and others, you've shut off a very real, vital part of your being. And yeah, it's really strange. Maybe there's something in this. I didn't know this. I didn't know this before this episode. Every day is a school day. What's next?

What else you got up your sleeve? Number three, deep chats. Oh, we've always been fairly good at that. That's like your thing, isn't it? Couples that have deeply emotional conversations report higher sexual satisfaction? Yeah, it is. But like, how easy is it to just go through the motions of the day or talk about work or the kids? Like, it's so easy to not be talking to each other on a deep level.

Like, we did loads when we were first together, but I don't know. like it's it's easy to to just forget that like you're with your bestie and you get to like connect about anything and everything that you're feeling yeah i guess that's sort of linked to like date nights or something like that just like be intentional about having good conversations but not not the pressure because sometimes it's like go on a date night so you can have guaranteed bedroom activity after that's just a lot of pressure yeah it's not about that it's about just enjoy each other, have date nights, talk, laugh, connect, go somewhere, not under the pressure of just to like just to like enjoy each other's company and like you have an intimate

partner both physically and emotionally. Yeah, make sense. Makes sense. I think we're doing all right with deep chats. Deep chats. I think so. Yeah? Yeah.

Number four. Oh my lord. body confidence 50% of women avoid intimacy due to not feeling very good about their body image well what's a solution to that again it's not simple because when you have low body confidence

you'll often pin it on if I was taller if I was thinner if I was that And actually that just is self-hatred again. So it's just learning to feel more sexy, learning to feel more embodied. It's what you're wearing. It's making, you know, have you had a lovely shower? If you've done your hair, like those little things that just take care of yourself.

I can talk about little things, of course, and like they are really important. I know if I'm like showered, feeling good, and maybe the lights are down low. But I did make a pretty big decision for body confidence this year, which was having a boob reduction, went down from an E to a to a B. And I can't lie, that's had a crazy impact on myself in that area. Because I'm not always hunched over. I'm not hiding. I'm not so ashamed.

It was a real pain point for you, particularly, wasn't it? It was honestly horrible. Like, looking back now, how much I hated, like, my chest and I hate it. In the day I was wearing binders and sports bras, but can't do that in the bedroom. So obviously, I'm not saying everybody needs to have surgery if they've got low body confidence, but there are some areas in life, like for me, like that's been so game-changing. I think obviously that's hyper specific to you. But I think for me, those little things, and you mentioned it around how you feel.

So I would love to have a six-pack and stuff like that. It's never going to happen because I like food and carbs too much. But one thing that I really notice is if I look, and I suppose I'll coin it to looking after myself. So, like, trimming my beard, making sure that I'm, like, groomed and stuff. Even if I'm heavier than I would want to be, I still feel loads better about myself if I'm, like, manscaped and all the things that are, like, within my control. And I guess, you know, you could say having a six-pack is within my control, not realistically, but I can get some clippers on my face. Yeah, so, like, just making the best of what you've got. Yeah.

And we all know that we feel a bit better. And if you're walking around, feeling more confident, there you go. That's going to help. Lights off, baby. Lights off, baby. Okay. Number five, this is quite a nice one, actually.

And I definitely do this. I'm interested to know whether you do. It's sensory seeking and basically getting used to feeling lovely in sensory environments. So, for example, it's having a bath, it's having candles on, it's learning to love and tolerate pleasure in kind of sensory environments. I guess especially important if you've been through something that links pleasure to pain. You're a sexual abuse survivor, so you've been through that.

So how do you navigate that? How do you cope with that? So just so I make sure I understand, are you talking about like when you have the mood lighting and the essential oils and the background music and stuff like that? Are you talking about creating that environment? Well, no. Obviously that's important as well during.

But I'm just talking about like in daily life, pleasuring your body in non-sexual ways. So like to understand that pleasure's okay and there's no guilt involved or shame to anything. Maybe it's getting massages or whatever is that feels really good for you. That's really interesting because I never used to be able to really have massages, especially by men. But I'm like, I vibe it now. Like I love it now. Because it was triggering past trauma and now it's fine.

Yeah. It's so interesting, isn't it? So there's something about, there might be something to learn if you struggle being touched or having a massage or if having a hot bath with a candle you feel guilty. There might be something there. One disclaimer though, like you're obviously very like cuddly and touchy and stuff like that. And I sometimes don't want you to. But that's not because I don't get pleasure. It's because I get really hot.

Oh, no, I know. Yeah. But I think that's very personal. Like what, it's more like what sensory stuff do you love? It's like you love seamless socks. Yeah, big time. They make you very happy. So it's like those little things, just treat in your body well, feeling good.

And I buy the same t-shirts all the time. Oh, because they feel good. That's sensory-seeking for you. Yeah. Right, before we get on to number six, I'm just going to take a little break to tell you about our amazing sponsor. I don't think we could have asked for a better sponsor for this podcast. Definitely not.

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Okay. It's from my research. So creativity. Apparently, being creative pulls from the same life force of libido. And when you're creative, you're being very connected to yourself and your expression. Freud even said that creativity was a sublimation of desire. Why don't you agree? So I can look at that and think when you are creative, when you go and write music and you

you like get into a hyper relaxed, fulfilled, happy space. I reckon you would be more, you would be more inclined to say, do you want an early night, babe, after being creative than cleaning the junk room. Oh, when you put it like that. Yeah. One is going to absolutely end me of all spoons and one is going to energise me and relax me. There you go. Yeah, I guess because, you know, we had that six-month dry spell,

but I would have been writing an album during that. So I'd have been really creative, so. A lot. The reason that we were tired, it wasn't because of your creativity. It was the mundane, horrible stuff and logistics of moving. The move and rocket and plus all this other stuff. It's not one thing, is it? It all feeds in, but basically exercising your creativity and your mind.

keeps you connected in a life. So what about... Plus, by the way, well, wait. Plus, when you say writing an album, creativity comes in two forms for you, I think. Although writing an album is being creative, if you've got deadlines and you're forced to do it, it's not as fun for you

than if you just take yourself off one night to do some songwriting. So maybe it's actually not creativity tied to work. Creativity freedom type of thing. Creativity freedom, like, you know, when we used to go and do pottery painting and stuff like that is amazing. You often say that you're not a very creative person, but do you think you have times in your life when you are creative?

Oh, all your DIY. That's what I was just about to say. So I don't think I like, I guess that is creating, but in a different way, you like paint in pots. I like building things. Like it's creativity, but I guess we've, just got different flavors of creativity. But that relaxes you, you're in your body, you're building something.

Yeah. There you go. Okay, number seven, lovely one, awkward conversations. How is that lovely? So couples that talk openly about sex, including sexual issues, report higher satisfaction and frequency. And I can so get that. Because when we were in the dry spell, I was like pretending like it wasn't happening, but in conversation with you.

But I was very aware. Inside, I was like, oh, my God, is he going to cheat on me? Is my relationship over? What's wrong with me? Like, I was overthinking the hell out of that situation. Even though we're like besties, we're like together for life, I struggled to just like put it on the table and have that combo. and then when I did and when we had an open combo and it was like oh yeah both of us have been feeling that

we'd both like to you know be a little up the game and I think we really bonded and it was like that there wasn't any shame or embarrassment it was like real intimacy yeah do you remember as well about a year into our relationship I was having problems with being a fast finisher for a while and I was like what's going on this I know how to do this, like, what's happening.

And it wasn't like when we were first together. It was like a year in. It was like I caught a bug, the finished fast bug. But I was quite open about that. But it was quite tough. It was like awkward. Because it was early in the relationship. But then we got to talk about it, laugh about it.

I was like, it's a compliment. And I'm also very lazy. Yeah. Not the shorter, the better, but you know. Yeah, I know what you mean. There's a time and a place. But yes, like, have the awkward combo and put your thoughts on the table to discuss together. It's another reason why, you know, you mentioned there are best performing episodes this topic.

So everyone thinks like it. Like it relates to so many people. So like, don't be afraid to have the conversation. Yeah, 100%. Okay. Next one. I love this. Eight.

Physical touch. Not related to. the actual actions but holding hands, cuddling, smacks on the bum when you run up the stairs. Apparently physical touch does in fact boost oxytocin, the bonding hormone. So there's scientific reasons why we should be touchy-feely with each other. But I think it's so easy for like the small moments, like the kissing and the holding hands and the snuggling to sort of like get less. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then the expectation, or you just go to bed and now mood switch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it all relates. And again, it's so important to say, don't hug and kiss just so you can get the end goal. It's just to enjoy each other, to love each other. So devil's advocate, right? So I completely agree. I think we are quite high on physical touch. We're always cuddling, holding hands, kissing.

Yeah, gross to see in public, actually. but it's really like that's because we want to be so to have advice to say physical touch is really important unless you're like naturally feeling it it's hard to even think about it to do it it's like then it would feel forced like that's my only like pessimistic view about it I completely agree with it but you need small steps

I guess you start small like have you stopped holding hands on a walk do you always give each other just a little kiss in the morning or when you leave, something so small that just marks the love and the life partner. And it's those tiny things that are so easy to lose. But they just, I don't know, they show you that that is your romantic. And then you can progress to the bum slaps. Oh, yeah. I have to ask permission, though, because of your jump reflex.

I do have a very bad jump reflex from trauma. I'm like, ugh. So I called it just before. Can I smack your bum? And I'm like, okay. I don't know how sexy that is, but... I think it's adorable. Yeah, it works for us.

Number nine, bedroom vibes. This is not about lights down low, the tantric playlist on. This is not about the act itself. This is about the day-to-day environment. So, when our bedroom is my clothes strewn all over the place because my wear again pile I haven't been wearing again. The bed's not made. The bed hasn't been changed for days slash week slash probably gone months.

It's not made. Maybe there's some coffee stains on it. There's some stuff on the floor. The plants dying and looking a bit sad. You don't walk into that space and feel calm, lovely, invigorated. It's just like, whoa. When our bedroom is clean and there's fresh sheets and it's. it's the sides have been missed the sheen and my little blue light is on and there's a candle

going like it just is such a lovely place to be so you feel relaxed you feel the vibes you feel happy you want to be in there and that gives you the best chance of it it's like a good jumping off spot the last thing you want to do is like have a look maybe you've been exercising or having a hot bath, being creative and you're like, oh, I've got the spark. You don't want to walk into like a dirty bedroom with a wear again shelf. That is interesting though, because again, I completely agree. I'm just thinking how many of our listeners with ADHD are going great. All I've got to do is keep a tidy bedroom, which I've been struggling with my whole life.

I think if it was a team effort and you and your partner were like, look, if we just want to raise the vibe a little bit in here so that we could have a little bit more enjoyment, team effort, body doubling, like you can do remarkable things. Body double the bedroom before you body double, you know. But again, I don't even want to link those. Because I think the important thing, and so many ADHD is neurodivergence in general autistics, EDA is real. If you feel like there's pressure on you to have sex, you won't want to do it.

So if you're like, let's go for dinner because then we'll have sex or let's clean the bedroom because then we'll have sex. Yeah. Like, it's, that's already going to kill the desire. It's let's create this beautiful bedroom. So that if and when, no pressure. I like it. We're ready to go.

I like it. You can tell that we're. I like, I like, I like, yeah. It's so funny. Okay, number 10 is kind of the most boring one. Oh. But in the research for this episode, it was also one of the most important. It's eating and sleeping well.

That makes complete sense. In men, sleep. One week of eight hours good sleep led to a 15% boost in testosterone, which is obviously very linked to desire and things like that. And just in general, in every sex and gender, people that were eating well described as kind of whole food, eating fruit and veg, and sleeping well, were much more likely to report higher satisfaction frequency. Well, look, it's no surprise.

We've been on, I wouldn't even say a healthy eating kick. We've been on a whole food kick. So we'll still have chips occasionally, but we won't have bread really or pasta. Everything is whole. and we feel noticeably amazing. Well, it affects, it's funny,

it's making me think how you eat also affects your body confidence. So for me, I am a little bit gluten intolerant. Love it. Who doesn't? So when I eat bread,

I love it, and then I bloat so big, I have a hurty tummy right off the next couple of days. Even if it's not real, though, I remember if I have a one day of healthy eating, I look in the mirror and I'm like, oh, I look great. Like even though nothing will be different.

No, yeah, but it can because if I don't eat gluten, even for a day and I drink loads of water, I eat fruit and veg, you aren't as bloated, you're hydrated. So like those basic human functions, not only to keep yourself not bloated, it's to give yourself energy. It's also for hormone levels. Hormone levels are so impacted by what we eat and how much sleep we get. Yeah, no, I'm just saying the brain is also a really powerful thing. So, like, you could objectively probably look the same, but feel really different because you're making good choices. If you, if somebody went for a little workout, that could be a walk, it could be a little run depending on where you're at, eight whole foods all day and drunk

loads of water within one day you're you're feeling better um i never i've never ever felt as good mentally and in my body as when i'm eating whole food but i also love sweets oh i love a burger so you love burgers and i love sweets you want to have a burger for dinner tonight it depends do you want to oh damn what would you choose a better no i'm not going to make you choose on the But if you had to choose. I'm not a choosing. No, between me or a burger. I'll ever choose you.

Right. This is me. Non-sex, sex episode, wherever you're at in your sex journey, whether it's a dry spell or you are rocking it. We wish you well. Take care of yourself and each other and your bedrooms. And we'll see you next week. See you next week. Everyone's got a pro.

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