Lateral with Tom Scott - 167: Animals carrying sausages [LIVE]

Episode Date: December 19, 2025

[Audio only] Ria Lina, Alasdair Beckett-King and Iszi Lawrence face questions about selfless speeding, donated dots and Clapham curries. Recorded at the Clapham Grand, London, as part of the Cheerful Earful festival. LATERAL is a comedy panel game podcast about weird questions with wonderful answers, hosted by Tom Scott. For business enquiries, contestant appearances or question submissions, visit https://lateralcast.com. HOST: Tom Scott. QUESTION PRODUCER: David Bodycombe. EDITED BY: Julie Hassett at The Podcast Studios, Dublin. MUSIC: Karl-Ola Kjellholm ('Private Detective'/'Agrumes', courtesy of epidemicsound.com). ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS: Will, Nate, Maarten de Vries, David Turner, Daniel Peake. FORMAT: Pad 26 Limited/Labyrinth Games Ltd. EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: David Bodycombe and Tom Scott. © Pad 26 Limited (https://www.pad26.com) / Labyrinth Games Ltd. 2025. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In South End-on-Sea, England, there is a French restaurant in a converted public restroom. What's it called? The answer to that at the end of the show, my name's Tom Scott, and with a live audience in London, this is Lateral! Once again, we're delighted to be invited back to headline the cheerful, earful comedy podcast, festival. We decided it was a better fit for us than the festival for gossipy video podcasts, the spiteful Eiffel. We're recording this at a variety theatre in south-west London, the Clapham Grand, which is just down the road from its smaller cousin, the Clapham Adequate.

The Grand is opposite a pub that has a famous bar designed by the Dutch artist M.C. Escher. The bar is lovely, but it is impossible to get to the toilets upstairs. I'm confident that our guests today are going to be one step ahead. First up, new to the show, a stand-up comedian, actress, and writer who also has a PhD in virology. So please sanitise your hands and then put them together for Ria Lina. Thank you. It's a pleasure to be here, I think. I'm not sure. I don't know.

I'm here. Next, his own website calls him Alleged. legendary comedian and writer. In that there's very little historical evidence he exists. Please welcome the man, the myth, the possibly fictional, Alastair Beckett King. Hello. Thank you for having me.

And finally, one of our lateral regulars. Her historical children's books are so well researched that the British Library has given her a gold membership card. Let's hear it for Izzy Lawrence. Who has actually brought her books? Obviously, this is a chance. If you've got pedantic children, please do. I literally have all the facts correct in my novels,

and any children who can find any mistakes get to write to me and make me feel small. So far, none of them have, because there aren't any. I was a little. pedantic child, can I? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please, please do. I also write children's novels and mine are full of mistakes and I don't care.

That's all right. And murder. Murder. Yes. There's quite a lot of murder in your books. Of the children? No, by the children. By the children.

Thank you so much to all you for joining us. It's particularly bad to do this on a Sunday morning. This is, oh, it's technically afternoon now, but to arrive anywhere, we're all comedians, and to make us to do anything before sort of, you know, 6pm is just mean. Do you have any advice for our new players? Yeah, can you please not get the answers completely right and make me look stupid?

That won't be difficult to talk. Okay, good, no problem. Well, good luck to all of our guests today. The game works the same as always, but with the added pressure of immediate judgment from complete strangers. Oh well, let's see what fresh hell awaits with question one. Why did Katie and Suzanne choose to go for a curry at the Clapham Branch of Banana Tree on the 25th of September 2025? I'll say that again. Why did Katie and Suzanne choose to go for a curry at the Clapham Branch of Banana Tree on the 25th of September 2025?

Now, before we go to the question, last year, Stuart Goldsmith, our guest, invented the whoopometer that I'm now going to call the Goldsmith whoopometer, which is very simple. If you think you immediately know the answer to this question in the audience, give us a whoop. Only two or three.

This is one of the hardest questions by that whoopometer that we've had. So, why did Katie and Suzanne go for a curry at the clapping branch of banana tree on the 25th of September? Can I ask the banana tree, is this a tree or a restaurant? I'm going to let you'll figure that one out yourself. Oh, okay, no.

I would imagine bananas can only produce fruit when they've been, I think, about six to seven months a year above 26 degrees centigrade. Thank you, Martin, from my gym, to tell me that. But that's how I know that. So they couldn't be used in Clapham, which doesn't have an annual temperature average of above 26 degrees to produce enough fruits for Suzanne and Katie to actually get a meal.

Oh, hang on a second. Wait. Wait. Not a tree. No, because nobody said it was a banana curry. They just said it was at the banana tree. So it could be a dead tree that's not fruited in years. Then why would you go there for lunch? Unless Arnaveevers. I think... A wood chip curry?

A bit dry. I mean, I think it has something to do with the fact that it was a Thursday. Oh. Wasn't it? Did he say Thursday? It wasn't 25th of September. 25th, that was a Thursday.

What? Wow! It was a Thursday. No, come on, people. How can you part? Oh, PhD. Oh. Oh, PhD in knowing things.

Oh. Well, I mean, there's only seven things to know, Monday through Sunday. I mean, it wasn't. I learned that before the PhD. To be fair. How did you know it was... How can you know what day of the week about it?

Because it was only, like, three or four weeks ago. Yeah. I was in Rickmansworth. Where were you? What day is it today? I used to know the algorithm. Well, I mean, it's still there somewhere in my head for, like, working out day of the week from everything.

I would never have got it that fast. Unfortunately, it's utterly irrelevant to the question. Okay. Yeah, so the people who don't know how leveled the plane feels. Restaurant or tree was your question. Yeah, yeah. And now we know it was a restaurant. No, we don't.

We're welcome. It did have been a cafe. Banana tree is a restaurant, yes. Yes. So one point to me in the game with no points. And they serve curry all the time, or is it like weather spoons where, like, there's only curry on a third?

I'm still sticking with Thursday. I mean, because don't you have like steak Tuesdays and curry Thursdays? Oh my God, it wasn't a curry cut in common. was it? Have you done those comedy and curry nights? I have done Korean comedy nights. I think it's the best. I think essentially you want an entire audience

and all the comedians to be experiencing acid reflux during the show. They work so well. Was it free for people called Katie and Suzanne? Yes, it was. That's an incredibly, do you know the answer to this? No, but it's lateral thinking and if it wasn't about the Thursday, it was about Kate and Suzanne, wasn't it? All right.

What is lateral thinking? Should I have asked before we started? Well done. On the first question of the first show, well done, you've got that. But that's just the first half of the question. That is why they went there that day. But why was it free for Katie and Susanna?

Katie and Susanna. I mean, their names both start with Constance. So maybe. But then, you know, I like to annoy people called Albert and Anna. But, uh, yes, I think that would be quite, I don't see how the, the restaurants would benefit from giving away free food. Their names definitely start with something, Izzy. So, K and S, was there anybody else in the group?

Was there an Isabelle and a Simon, and this was celebrating the band Kiss? Or a William and an Albert and a Nigel. Tarkwin? Was Tarkwin there? How posh are we going? Katie and Suzanne are some of the people who would be eligible. People? They're people. They are definitely people, yes. Okay.

That wasn't actually, they could have been dogs. Are they girls not mentioned in the song Mambo number five? You've nearly got it. Like, Ria, you nailed it's the names that are important. Ria, you nailed they got to eat for free. you izzie talked about the names starting with and it's not quite starting with k and s but katie and suz k and sue is it is it are these names that people often get wrong so katie could be katherine or caroline like kathlin you know get really annoyed if you get them wrong catlin would be fine okay katherine

kate they're all getting free curry on a Thursday yep yep so susy Suzanne so it's sauce and Cat. Is there an element? Is there... Is there... Trying that in a slightly different order, is he? Cat and... Oh, cat, Sue, like the currant. So you would work that out. You'd work that out, but like a teacher,

you allowed me to think I had thought of it. This is where my brain always lets me down. Is that last step? Yes. Banana tree. offered a free Katsu curry to anyone named Kat or Sue if they ate after 4pm between the 22nd and 25th of September

2025. National Katsu Day is the 27th of September. That's a Saturday. You don't give stuff away for free on a Saturday. That's why. This is where I'm stumped because literally the only other notes I've got

is other food-related observances. That's the note they give you. If you want to know about National Lue, Lima Bean Respect Day. Ooh, is my name close enough to get free lemur beans? And I thought it was lima. Yeah, that's nice, yeah. I've also got National Ice Cream for Breakfast Day

and National Baked Bean Month. A month seems like too much. It does, yes. That's a very smelly month. You can just start a day. There's no central agency that depicts which day is for which thing. Literally anyone here, just get enough people behind you,

declare it, it is that day. Well, why don't you do it? Well, we've got enough people. We've got 500 people. Let's declare a day. What day do you want? Lateral thinking day? Yes.

Which means our next question comes from Ria. Whenever you're ready. Okay. This question has been sent in by Martin de Vries, who is either Dutch or South African. I love it. Martin DeVries. Are you going to read it in the accent? Which accent?

I know she can do Dutch. I can imbeche in Netherlands, but I'll do it in English. Oh, do we have Dutch people in? Hello! You're very enthusiastic for a Dutch person. That is more than I get in my comedy gigs over there. Woo! I love it. Yeah, I am Dutch.

Read the question. Okay. Okay, in 2007, a New South Wales government agency ran a safety campaign where people could potentially save the law. lives of others by using their little finger. How? In 2007, a New South Wales government agency ran a safety campaign where people could potentially save the lives of others by using their little finger.

How? We're going to go to the whoopometer. Who here thinks they know the answer to that? Oh. There are a few more, maybe 5, 10% of the audience there. All right. Are they all Australian? Okay, yes

Wait, no Not mission to stereotype Australians too much But are you just whooping because I said Are you Australian? So this is... Okay, I may be being thrown by the Dutch thing But in Holland Don't they have the story of the little boy

With his finger in the dike? Yes. It's 2025. Look. Here's a... That was a chain reaction of laughter. It wasn't set off by most of the audience. It was set off by Matt Gray.

Sat up in the box. Who laughed once and set the whole chain reaction off. Well, well done. Now, the old thing with little fingers is, you know, if you drink your cup of tea with a little finger erect, as it were, This is supposed to be a sign that you do not have syphilis. I believe this is completely hypocrisal, but it's a way of signaling to people

that you don't have some sort of communicable disease, sexually communicable disease, sexual, right, that stops your joints from working. And I believe that is a false thing, but we are talking about Australia. Easy, easy, easy. This wasn't as offensive last year. We are indeed.

Not just Tom drinking with flaccid little finger there. The thing is I deliberately put my finger out like that for the start, and then it's like, actually, this mug of water is a little bit heavy. Are any of us near it? No, because much... Is it to do with measuring? So the little finger, much like Tom's, didn't do anything practical. He just said, without that little finger, his wrist would collapse.

So it's not like taking a blood sample by pricking the little finger. If the finger isn't actually practical, it's symbolic. Actually, you know what? You are laterally in a correct ballpark now with those words. Okay, laterally in a correct ballpark. With the words. I've never done any kind of sports, so I feel nervous. Oh, no, not the sports bit

where you were talking about the pricking. Was it the word prick? The little prick of the, yeah. It was the phrase little prick that you... Yes. We're getting warmer here. So there are those little lancets that you get. You have to do an at-home blood sample

where you kind of... The horrible spring-loaded things where you have to put your finger onto them, they just stab you. How did you use them during COVID? This is too early for COVID because it's 2007. But the amount of... I was like, you've got a good memory for this question.

You're the uncle. person on stage with a notebook. I've played this game before. I know I need to remember stuff. But yeah, so did you find, did you do that with a blood sample and having to break it? The amount of time it took me just to print my finger, it takes like, at least you have to build up to it.

It's like getting in the cold sea. You can't just stab yourself really quickly. It's traumatizing. Yeah, and you want to go on the side of the finger where there's slightly fewer nerve endings. And then you've got to wind your hand. around, which I did, but I did it to get the, you know, because you want to use centrifugal force to get the blood to the end of the finger, but then it sprayed blood all over my bathroom.

That's the most Pete Townsend medical test. But I didn't have syphilis. Well, think of this way. Think what major departments do local governments operate? Think about it that way. Local governments. Swimming swimming pools. You could get all kinds of diseases in a swimming pool. I imagine. And Australia, you can get all sorts of weird creatures in a swimming pool or in the sea. Like, you could be trying to avoid being stung by a jellyfish.

Yeah, could you coax a jellyfish towards you using your finger? I mean, you're more like to coax a shark if there's blood involved. I mean, maybe. Is it like distance? I think more inland than that. Oh, inland. Ponds. Headhhugs.

Just, I mean, name some more sort of departments. Name more departments. I think local could be, could be miscarbons. but just think about what major departments governments operate um they could the trouble is they've been closing them all now it's going to say the rail system the postal service no health transport natural transport little finger so instead of were a load of hitchhikers losing their thumbs and so they instead they went for little fingers as a better way of you know all yeah sorry yeah well no i was going to say so the safety campaign was targeted at younger males

Younger males. Young males. So is it like during COVID we had to stay like an arm's length apart, but is it just like on the train that's not practical? So a single little fingers distance apart will keep us healthy? Is that the idea for the young men? I'm really honest. As a woman who travels in public transport a lot, I'd like a lot more than a little

fingers worth of distance between me and a lot of other people. It could be public transit or it could be on the roads. There could be some road safety thing that is, I'd, pretty much. Prevent speeding by using your little finger on your accelerator. I think I have an idea. About maybe it's the size of person crossing the road. So if the person is bigger than your little finger in the distance, put out, you know, because I'm thinking about measuring the moon or, you know, the atomic.

No, that's where you squish their heads. That's head squish, squish, squish, squish. But is it about judging distance on the roads? No, Tom was closer. How do you stop someone speeding with their little finger? I mean, the only thing you said young males, and like, those are the people are going to be speeding, those are the people are going to be careless on the road.

So how do you... So what is the one thing that you could take them down a notch by doing? Oh, doing this. So curling your little finger and implying that they don't have a big enough manhood. That is... That is exactly correct. Boom! It was a gesture to insult a speeding driver's small penis.

The authority ran a campaign with the tagline, Speeding, no one thinks big of you. It popularized a little pinky hand gesture to suggest that speeding drivers, most often young males, were compensating for having a small weiner. Thank you to Nate for this next question. In 2025, a doctor's assistant was fined 30 euros for driving at 38 kilometres per hour in a 30 zone in Witten, Germany.

Why was this case featured in the national press? I'll give you that one more time. In 2025, a doctor's assistant was fined 30 euros for driving at 38 kilometers per hour in a 30 zone in Witten, Germany. Why was this case featured in the national press? We're going to go to the whoopometer. Anyone? I don't think you can woo with a question mark.

I don't think you can woo with a question mark. Okay, we've got a few questionable woos for this one. 2025, a doctor's assistant was fined 30 euros for driving at 38 in a 30 in Witten. Why did that make the national press? Is the doctor's assistant human? Oh, that's very lateral. I like that. You have immediately cracked some of the doctor's some of the meta-game of Lateral, which is always just check if it's a human.

This was a human doctor's assistant. They were doing the driving. They had a license. For a car, but were they driving a car? So it's an extremely small fine. It is. And they weren't going that much over the speed limit. So they must have been doing something else that was newsworthy?

Operating. There was a woman having a baby. And the baby shot out, increasing the speed of the vehicle. Just tipping it over the limit. It was the umbilical cord. It pulled it along behind it. I'm not sure cars work quite like rocket ship thrust,

where you can decompress an airlock and or have a baby. So, I am trying to do lateral thinking, Tom. Yeah, sorry, I should. Yes, and that, shouldn't I? Yeah, well, if you're in space, what you could do is go to an airlock and have a baby, and that would...

That's exactly how I travel through space. If only Sondra Bullock could have gotten pregnant in that movie. Yeah. Miss congeniality, yeah. So I'm wondering... Now, obviously, I don't want to bring the mood down. We're all having a lovely time. But I was hearing, I think,

about, like, the far-right marches in Germany, like the AFD, you know, because they're all like, hey, what if we had a right-wing German government? Would that be interesting? And I'm sure I heard about people like driving along behind them playing funny music, like the Benny Hill soundtrack or whatever the German equivalent, probably much less funny equivalent to the Benny Hill soundtrack is

or playing the tuba. So was the car engaged in something heroic and honorable while inadvertently speeding? Of that entire thing? Heroic and honourable, yes. Yeah, I'll give you that. Oh, yeah. So it wasn't just the case that this is Germany and everybody obeys the rules

and so going at 38 is unheard of. I had never seen a car travelling so quickly, I was amazed. It's not the automobile. 813. The only time I actually got caught by a speed camera was in Germany, because I missed the sign. And I was like, okay, maybe,

like, you don't have to give away who the driver is. They have strong privacy laws. Maybe it didn't catch. Get the email through. And there is a car. I was like, oh, this speed, this speed. And I was like, maybe they didn't spot. And there is a perfect photo of my face with an expression that I can only describe as, it's that a speed camera. Okay, so he's doing something heroic. And I think it's because he's in a car. And everyone in Germany bites. Samans Holland, but you know, they're all about the biking and the hiking and the walking and it's healthy and he's a doctor's assistant and vice he drives.

This is not a good example to be setting for the rest of the people. My father is German before you write in and complain. And also no one has quite decided whether it's racist if an Asian does a white accent just the other way around. Doctor's assistant is a little bit important here. Yeah, why isn't it a nurse? A medical emergency. It was. Yes, it was a medical emergency. Okay. An Australian's penis.

Had become caught in some way. Did the doctor assistants have a penis that was too large? And therefore the laws could not constrain them. Germans tend to not find penis size funny. They tend to find it completely normal. Germans? Yeah, Germans. Have you done gigs in Germany?

No. All my cock material went out. I didn't like it. Let me review where we are. You're right. Responding to a medical emergency is absolutely right. The assistant's car wasn't as well kitted out as the doctors might be. Was he trying to...

You know how when you dislocate your shoulder, you got... No, you got to pop it in. No, you know when you have to dislocate a hip, you've got to pull it in order to pop it back in. So he was pulling... He was using the car to pull someone's hip back in because he didn't... Do you know what I mean?

Like, I'm just trying to... I'm just trying to think the physical... She's a thirologist, not a medical practitioner. I think it would be better to say that they were responding to a medical emergency. They were trying to get there. Was there an injured person in the vehicle, or was... No, they were just heading to the scene of the emergency.

So what might they have been doing? Hurrying? Yeah. Yes. Is that lateral thinking? Well, they were expecting to be let off the fight. But what did that vehicle lack, the main vehicle? Oh, a...

Oh, a... Nino, Nina. Yes. So are you saying that he got fine? Or they, she, got fined because it wasn't clear that they were responding to a medical emergency? No, they should have got a medical exemption. They were rushing to an emergency

that should have been a good enough reason. Is that a thing? Because I'm autistic. Can I also get out of speeding? I will leave that between you and the German government. Did they accidentally hop into, like, an ice cream van and just play the music? And think it's basically the same as an ambulance.

Was the ambulance that they were in not working? The siren just was, you know, got defunct. No, they didn't have one. They were just in a car. So they just did the noise themselves? Was it an outrage piece, the news story, saying that they shouldn't have got the fine? Yeah, many people thought this was unfair.

They went through the speed camera, they got flash, they got the ticket, they should have been able to claim the medical exemption. You've got all that. But the court turned them down. Was the doctor already there? So the doctor's assistant wasn't actually needed. for the emergency, so they had no need to rush. Now, it was kind of a catch-22 situation here.

The patient was going to die anyway? So the exemption would be for emergency services going to respond to an emergency, so either they weren't considered emergency people or it wasn't considered an emergency. It was an emergency, but their driving wasn't considered that. Oh, they weren't going fast enough. Correct.

Yay! Sorry, I had to channel my dad there for a moment. I was just like, what would my father have a problem with? The court ruled that... This is what my father would have a problem with. This was not fast enough. The person would have died. Why would they're going 38?

They should have been going 45, 50s. They would have been to 3.5 minutes earlier since the person wouldn't have lost as much blood. The court ruled that the exemption... Strikes him from the medical records. Only applied if there was a measurable gain in time, which was not the case with the next time. excess of eight kilometres an hour.

Yeah. But you're told, you know this, Tom, because you've been done by a speed ticket. On your speeding awareness course, they say, actually, you know, you're saving a certain amount of time in the lower speeds, but on the higher ones, you don't save any time, so don't speed on the motorways.

You know what a speeding awareness course involves. What? Alistair, whenever you're ready, it's your question. This question is from David Turner. In the UK version of a 2016 action film, a scene had to be cut because it showed an animal carrying some sausages, why? And I think the question means,

why did the scene have to be cut, not why was the animal carrying some sausages. In the UK version of a 2016 action film, a scene had to be cut because it showed an animal carrying some sausages. Why? Whoopometer? A few. Okay.

My immediate thought goes to the BBFC, the kind of, depending on how we call it, Ratings Bureau or Censorship Bureau for the UK, who will frequently ask for cuts that other countries don't have because we have some specific things. Like if you want to get a 12 rating, I don't think you can show a headbut because that's like imitable behavior. So I wonder if there's some rule under the UK rating system that means that you can't show... You can't show a dog running with some sausages It was great until the last bit of that I was really... Because that's the offensive part of Punch and Judy, isn't it? That's what I was thinking. I was thinking this might be a copyright issue with a crocodile from Punch and Judy.

It might be a thing that you can... Somebody's got the right to a crocodile with sausages and it's to do with like people who perform on Brighton Pier. That's, you know, the Punch and Judy show. This isn't going to land for anyone who is, younger than 40 or not British. Just to explain, it was a fun puppet show about domestic violence

for kids. And hanging, and hanging, with a sort of gazoon noise. Did you say 2016? 2016. That was the year that we had the Brexit referendum. So were they European sausages? Oh, sorry, that was a real question.

No, I don't believe the national... I'm not sure the nationality of the sausages is relevant, but I believe they were not Euro sauce. Were they even sauce? Because, you know, the EU have suddenly banned the use of meat names with plant-based products, so were they actually plant-based, and therefore it was a misleading scene

because they weren't real meat? I think there's plenty of misleading scenes with food in movies. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, the vegans weren't to blame on this one occasion. Okay. but every other time. No animals were harmed

apart from for these sausages. I believe they were traditional meat sausages. I can't say whether they were kosher or halal, I don't know. Is this a, like a BBFC thing? Is this a cut to make a rating?

You may be in the right area when it comes to what is and isn't allowed, yes. Is it an animated film? I don't remember. Is there a rule against cannibalism and the animal carrying the sausages was the same animal as in the sausages?

Oh, oh, yes, no. I love it when that happens, like when all the characters in a cartoon are animals, but then they go to the zoo, and it's like, what is this? Was it only cuts in Britain? Yes. Okay, so it's just a British...

So what don't we like in Britain? Oh. Well, let's not list everything. Okay, could the sausages have been made of, like, there are countries where you can get horse meat sausages? That feels like a really specific joke. Also, an animal running away with sausages. An animal.

Yeah, yes. And there were traditional link sausages made of meat. Well, if you get it, that will be good. but if I tell you, then to some extent, the whole format falls apart. Now, so, was it, so at the moment we've had dog or crocodile or pig, presumably, so was it a dog? No. Oh, was it a crocodile?

It was not. But we think it's animated, so it could be anything. It could be. There were episodes of cartoon shows that got cut in various countries. Like, there's an episode of Pepper Pig that got cut in Australia because it was, like, be friendly to spy. as they're your friends. Not true in Australia.

So is there some British... When I see a spider, I just do this little finger gesture. Is there some British cultural sensitive? Can we get a clue? It is based on a British taboo, and the animals were the stars of the film, and there are four of them. Four animals make up the main characters of this film.

It's three-lined mice, so it's not them. It's not the Three Little Pigs because cannibalism was ruled out. There's four musketeers, but they're French. There's the Beatles, but they're humans, not Beatles, so... I would say that the characters you're looking for are exactly between the four musketeers and the Beatles. Ooh.

If you can plot that on a graph and go right in the middle. They are... Monty Python. Musicians. And, oh, they're musical. And they have swords. They have swords. I'm using...

What eyebrows I have to indicate that swords are more relevant than music. Animals with swords. Animals with swords. Well, perhaps. Perhaps weaponry. I mean, technically we know that snails actually use a sort of spearing thing when they're mating. But again, we've talked about that too much today. I think if you were to keep thinking about weaponry, it might help you.

Guns, swords, knives. Stabbing is bad. in this country. Samanella. Well, it is. Don't laugh at that. I was saying the sort of things we'd be sensitive to,

stabbing, we're in Clapham, everybody's going from... It's not a fun thing to do, guys. Let's imagine that the sausages were used as a weapon. What kind of weapon might that be? Oh, hanging.

No, nun chucks. Nun chucks. This is... Right. The... The... How many nuns could a nun-chuck... Are the...

Teenage... Mutant Ninja Turtles relevant to this? They are indeed. Exactly between the Bullsketeers and the Beatles. You know what? You're right. You're right. Right.

So when the original series came over to the UK, it was the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles and they had to censor the Nunchucks because of imitative behaviour from kids. They didn't want kids thinking that you could pick up a couple of things, swing them round, Like, it was too deadly a weapon to be used in a kids' show.

Didn't this show, though, 2016, rather than, like, 92? Yeah, but there's been a new version of it. Loads of them. I mean, what were the sausages made of, lead? Were they using the sausages as a nunchuck? And that was enough for the BBFC to go, that's imitable behaviour. Cut it from the kids' film.

Correct. The BBFC were a little bit snippy here. In the film, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, out of the shadows. The heroes foil a band of robbers. Michelangelo doesn't have his trademark nunchucks. His trademark nunchucks. So he improvises by grabbing two links of sausages instead. The British Board of Film Classification said that the sausages would look like the real weapon,

quote, to any streetwise eight-year-old. The scene was removed so that it could get a PG rating. Izzy, we will go straight to you for the next question, please. This question is from Daniel Peake. Lucy painted six dots in a corner of the Westminster Abbey, or of Westminster Abbey, because there is no only one. What were they for and why were six required? So, in 2024, Lucy painted six dots in a corner of Westminster Abbey.

What were they for? And why were six required? Woupometer! That's very sparse. All right. Is this like when a surveyor uses a theodalite? They put markers on a building and the dots. Can you just say that word again?

Theodalite. That's a good word. I like that. What these best words? I only ask this to. to say, to get the opportunity to say Theodolite. Is it like that? You might need to create little markers around a building

in order to measure it in some way? It is not to do with measuring. Theodling failed me. Did anyone die in 2024 that would have had their funeral there? I mean, quite a lot of people, to be honest. Yeah, but that would have had their funeral there. Last year.

In the Wabby, Westminster Abbey. I say Wabby, it saves time. I like the Wabby. As far as I know, it has nothing to do with any funerals that might have occurred in the Wabby. Okay, because I was going to say it's where you would put the people that carry the coffin tell them where to stand, but...

Hmm. I guess the coffin kind of helps determine that. Six dots. Six dots. Six dots. Six dots in Westminster Abbey. Specifically. And painted as well, painted. You said painted?

Yeah, Lucy painted them. And Lucy's a human? Lucy. Yeah, you got to check. As far as I know, a human, it could be short for Lucifer, who knows. Unlily to be in the Abbey, though. Six tempting dots. These are lovely dot.

Indeed. I will say this is a very, very specific thing, in a corner of Westminster Abbey. When we say dot, like, immediately makes you want to think, teeny tiny small, but how far out are we zooming? Wow. If they consider it a dot. It could be one of those things where if you see it from a certain angle, it lines up into a picture of something. You know the things where they paint the picture?

A tromploy. A what? A tromploy? Yes. Is the name for... I'm surprised nobody in the audience is backing me up on that. Thank you. I don't know if I'm pronouncing the French correctly.

But yeah, an optical illusion that looks right from a particular angle, like the skull in Holbein's ambassadors. That's what I was trying to explain, and doing very badly, thank you. Or is it six portraits of dot cotton from EastEnders? If only. But if only was dot cotton.com, that would be lovely. Were they all the same colour?

They were. Didn't even have to check my notes for that. Was it a giant dice and they were going to turn Westminster Abbey over to... They were going to roll Westminster Abbey down the Thames and see which way up it lands? It was not. Oh.

I will say that the dots were painted on stone and someone had spotted that the dots were missing. Were they dotting eyes that were missing? Very close, very close but not correct. Very close but not correct. Were they painting the eyes into the pictures of saints to make them all look like they were being slightly sarcastic? Like giving a bit of side eye to Jesus.

No, they were just giving some of the disciples just acne, just to... Those are spots, not dots, though. Were they putting dots on the, yeah, on the J, like of Jesus? Putting dots on the top of the J. I believe you capitalised Jesus, even in Westminster Abbey. But if you go...

Well, Catholics certainly capitalised on Jesus. It depends if it's in the group chat and you can't be bothered to text. You just kind of, you know... Rear is closest, but I want you to specifically think about why six dots and why the corner? I've never really paid attention to

is there a religious thing that should happen in the corners of the Wabby? There's a specific thing that occurs in the corner of Westminster Abbey and it's known by the corner it's the something's corner.

Traitor's corner. Lovers' corner. Pogs? Do they play Pogs in the corner? Other than... Pogs is amazing, I love you. I've got that in my head now. Smash. Anyway, so, uh, the shiny ones are so good. Um, Ki-Nis. Not, not Kiwis, alas. Although, you know, but do not get distracted by Kiwis, Zee. Let's try and help these people. Okay, I'm gonna, see if there's another clue. Um, there were three pairs of two dots. Okay. That's the first time we've had a clue where

everyone's been silent and there wasn't a single damn mutter from the audience on that one. I mean, I want to say Braille, but if you've painted it, it's not in release. and therefore they're not going to be able to feel it. But dots are important. What happens in Westminster Abbey, other than funerals and other than the actual events going on there, what goes on in the Abbey? What do people go there to see?

Just a normal church service? I genuinely don't know. The Abbey itself, the stained glass windows. Yeah? What else than sitting glass windows? Gravestones? Yeah. Gravestones.

And so there's six pairs of two dollars. dots in the corner. Missing. Someone stole the dots. Someone went to Westminster Abbey and stole the dots from the gravestones, yes. Colons in the middle of times, some typographical thing. Some type of graphical thing, yes. What's on a gravestone?

Years. And? Names. Names. Did they add umlaunch to someone's name? You're very, very close. Colons? No, no, no, no.

You're right. It technically isn't an umlaut, but yeah. It technically isn't an umlaut, but I called it an umlaut, and then I had a look at the questions thing, and it's called a different thing, but yes. Right. Okay, so... There are...

Some Swedish people in... ...much more enthusiastic than the Dutch. I think a Swedish person has just died. That was amazing. And we're going to be so ready to make this gravestone. Okay, I'm going to tell you that the corner in question is known as Poets Corner. Poets Corner.

It is where famous writers are buried. And there are six dots that were missing and now been putting, can you guess whose dots they were? And I think I will just underline the fact that there are three people we're talking about with the same last name. Come on.

And they're all in the corner of Westminster Avenue. Oh my God, it's a... The Bronties. Yes! It's the umlouts on the Brontes. Technically for all the pedants in here, and I know you are here, it is dioresis. They're diuresis. There we go. Yes, exactly. They're not umlouts. They're dioruses. But yes, you are correct. In 1939, a memorial plaque was added to the poet's corner of Westminster Abbey,

where many of Britain's most famous literary figures are buried or remembered. Despite it, being in the original design, the dioresces, two dots, over the final letter of Bronte, were never added. This mistake was noticed by historian Sharon Reiter. The conservator Lucy Aplin painted the missing dots in 2024, two dots for each Bronte sister, Charlotte, Emily, and Anne. They are not buried there, I might add. Charlotte and Emily are buried in Hayworth, West Yorkshire, Anne is buried in Scarborough, North Yorkshire, in case you wanted to visit there, graves. You freaks.

Can I just say that being autistic really gets in the way of some of this just because I'm sitting there, I was sitting there going, but they're not buried there, but they're not buried there, but they're not buried there, so why are we doing this? Why are we doing, you know,

it really sometimes gets caught in a loop. Can I say not knowing anything is also a problem? One last thing then, at the start of the show, I ask you this question. Thank you to Will for sending it in. South End-on-Sea, England, there is a French restaurant in a converted public restroom. What is it called? Before I give the answer, first of all, whoopometer?

Just a few. All right. South End-on-Sea public restroom, anyone want to go for this from the panel? I would call it gastronomic enteritis. Just to be clear, a converted public restroom. If it were a gallery, you could call it like the Louvre. Yeah. It's a restaurant, so that point doesn't work at all. You've got the second syllable. Vre.

Vre. Lou. Lou's. Lou. Lou is definitely part of this. Second syllable is Lus. No, that's, sorry. I don't see not.

What's the word for the toilet serviette? Have a thing. In the bibliotheque. As you walk up to a public restroom So like kind of outdoors one What are you going to see? Toilets? As you walk up

We go see the little sign Of the little man and the little lady And it says lose And it says lose So it's going to say To lose It's going to say To lose

To lose, exactly right That is our show show for today. Thank you very much, everybody. Before we go, thank you very much to the cheerful, Earful Festival and the Clapham Grand for hosting us once more. To our wonderful behind-the-scenes team at the Clapham Grand, thank you to all of our tech crew. To producer David. And to our guests, where can people find you? What's going on your lives? We're We will start with, Izzy. I can be found at ISZI.com,

where you can get links to my podcasts. Terrible lizards, all about dinosaurs, and also talk like an Egyptian, all about ancient Egypt. My books are The Curse Tomb is out this year with Bloomsbury, and also the Time Machine Next Door series. There are six books in it.

They are all for pedantic children. I know you know some by the books. Thank you. Alistair. I have a podcast called Lawmen, which is about local legends from mostly the United Kingdom. which I do with my podcast pal, James Shakeshaft,

and thank you for wooing James. I do stand up, I do sketches online. If you search my name, nobody else is called this, so I'll come up. And I also write a series of kids' books, the Montgomery Bonbon Mystery Series, which are impossible locked room mysteries for children. And Ria. I'm on tour at the moment.

I think I'm coming back to London in February, but I'm also on Patreon doing paper jam on Sundays which is basically group therapy for the news so if you're finding it traumatic then come and join us and we'll learn together what's happening in a nice easy way every Sunday and that's on Patreon so just find me

I mean if you search my name I'm probably on most of the socials because you know a bit of a slut and if you want to know more about this show did I just cut you off there? That's okay I was saying slut it's all right kind of and if you want to know more about this show or send in your own ideas for

you can do that at lateralcast.com. We are at lateral cast basically everywhere, and there's full video of our regular episodes on Spotify. Thank you very much to Rialina! Alastair Beckett King! Izzy Lawrence! And of course, to our wonderful live audience! I'm Tom Scott, and that's been Lowe.

That's been lateral!