Leah on the Line - 106: I struggle with human connection

Episode Date: May 27, 2024

Hey babes! Welcome back to another episode of Leah on the Line. Thank you so much for all of your love and support on the podcast, it honestly means the world to me. I hope you love this one!Head to leahontheline.com to send in your dilemmas. Love you! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. It's getting closer to midnight, I try to get closer to you. and then their voice would be like oh bless them I feel like I just remember like when it would happen to a guy like I just remember I just knew like oh you're so embarrassed but like we really don't care like as girls we didn't feel your embarrassment because it's not something we

experienced so we didn't like we weren't like oh god fucking how embarrassing it was like a oh god like he's embarrassed by that anyway what am I talking about guys let's let's talk books for a second you guys know I read after the after series loved it but towards the end I was a bit like okay this is getting a bit silly now regardless still loved it um and then I just finished reading Real by Katie Evans so basically I was looking for a book and I am looking for a man in finance what is it I'm looking for a man in finance trust fund six five blue eyes have I put that in everyone's head now sorry um so yeah I obviously really enjoyed after so I was looking online like if you enjoy after you might enjoy these books because I'm

thinking I love this toxic oh like a little bit jealous a little bit angry not in real life okay in real life it's not fucking pretty and it's not fun and it doesn't give you butterflies it gives you anxiety right but to read it and pretend that it feels good i don't mind it i don't mind it at all i quite like the toxic relationship books i listen i just like it all right listen in real life we want healthy happy balanced easy love but in the books I love it I love that jealous sex like why are you looking at that boy like but in real life no if a boy said to me why are you looking at him I'd be like get away from me you absolute psychopath anyway so I was looking for books similar and it was really recommended on TikTok okay called Real by Katie Evans and I read it and listen it was good like I I wouldn't say I didn't enjoy it but basically by the end of the book the characters still felt like strangers to me do you guys know what I mean when

I say that like to be honest I was just trying to think of the main character's name I just remembered her name is Brooke and that says a lot because I just read a whole fucking book from her POV so the thing is is what I've learned from what I enjoy in a book is I love a bit of flirting I love a bit of dialogue I love her oh my god oh shit she's gonna get in trouble oh my god he's gonna catch her like I love all that oh my god what's he gonna say and then like they say something and it's like oh that was so smooth that was so sexy like I love that in a book in the book I just read there was barely any dialogue and it was mainly monologue like I don't know how they managed to fall in love because

they barely spoke and I love dialogue that's what I love I love to picture it hear it in my head like the American accent like lily bloom anyway so now I'm reading um it ends with us forgot then it ends with us guys I know I'm late I know I'm late to the trend I know she has been around it ends with us has been around for a while um however no one really recommended it to me so I didn't really pick it up I'd seen it everywhere like every time I go into a bookshop it's always like TikTok made me buy it and I tend to go to that section because it tends to be like why like read him and I always see it there, but for some reason, the cover being just like wood and flowers, I was like, it tells me nothing, like, what is that about, I don't know, it's not giving like sexy love, it's not giving spicy, spicy book, right, because I love a bit of spice in the books,

I love this, book porn, me and my sister was creasing the other day, because we was like, because my sister just read this book, and I was like, was like is it spicy like I need a bit of spice you know what I mean and we were like is this how we know we're getting old like I love a bit of sexy book porn and we're both laughing so much because we just both like we're like yeah like eat it up like we just love it anyway what was I talking about so she read it um recommended it to me and yeah so I've seen it everywhere but no one no one else has really recommended it to me like a lot of you guys recommend really good books to me but this one I don't think had come up or at least it hadn't like hadn't stood out to me like

after really stood out you guys were like read after read after read after this one like i don't know if it stood out in recommendations so it's literally the only reason i hadn't read it my sister read it was like leah you will like it like you need to read it started reading it i'm on like chapter eight or something like i'm not even a quarter of the way through and oh my god hard and scott who yeah i rile even though listen i know where it goes okay i've seen some spoilers i know where it's going and i'm worried i'm scared i'm upset but bug me i love it i love i literally i love it here so yeah i'm reading that at the moment i was actually just reading it and i thought right better podcast so we've got to make this quick guys anyway it's been lovely talking to you guys i've got so much

to get up to be getting on with i've really got to be getting on with a lot right now opens my book on zoom i'm like a little girl and so many of you in my dm saying that you saw that the film's coming out this year which has made you want to read it so read it with me if you haven't read it the film's coming out this year Let's read it together and then we can talk about the movie. Like, oh, it's going to be so fun. Blake Lively is playing Lily, Lily, Lily Blossom Bloom. I just love it. I love her. We love her. Okay. So this episode is going to be a little bit different. So there's going to be no weekly debate, no dilemmas this week. bit different. So there's going to be no weekly debate, no dilemmas this week. Boo. I know, guys. I know. I know. Wait, just wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. All right. Just give me a second to explain myself. In the last episode, I just unplanned when trodden off into my deep, deep,

deep problems and how I've always felt really lonely whatever right so many of you were like I live for this conversation because you can relate so many of you I cannot tell you how many of you I've probably never had a response to an episode like that in my life like the amount of people in my dm saying like i cannot express enough how much i relate to that um and you was all like let's do a whole episode about it because i did say if you guys want to talk about it let's talk about it because i love talking about that i find i find it fascinating right i'm actually very um confronting in a good way in a healing way right anyway so so many of you were like let's do an episode about it and I was like

let's just fucking get it let's get going next week babe let's not hang around do you know what I mean so this episode I don't even know what I'm gonna call it yet maybe I'll call it like I have problems or like like letting away issues out therapy like I don't know also do you know what as well I have had this since I started this so many of you guys tell me that you think I have ADHD you have got ADHD what the fuck's that got to do with you I do not have diagnosed ADHD and I hadn't really ever considered having ADHD um but as I have done this podcast so many of you have said it to me and I've always just felt like oh like whatever I'm probably it's just because I'm just a scatter, so many of you have said it to me and I've always just felt like,

oh, like whatever. I'm probably, it's just because I'm just a scatterbrain. Do you know what I mean? Just scatterbrain, scatterbrain. And then in response to that last episode, so many, I cannot explain it to you. So many of you guys were like, you're ADHD out your fucking head, love. And listen, I'm seeing it everywhere at the moment. Everyone's got ADHD these days. I know. Listen, I know. And I'm not going to be that bitch, I'm not, I'm not, I'm, to be honest with you, I'm not interested in getting a diagnosis either, because what's, what am I going to do about it? Brilliant, right? I've got, I've got this far through my life, I'll carry on. So, yeah, loads of you was like, you definitely have ADHD, so I put a story up saying, like, just out of curiosity, yeah, loads of you was like, you definitely have ADHD. So I put a story up saying like,

just out of curiosity, how many of you think I show like signs of ADHD? Yes, no, and fuck knows. I don't fucking know. I'm not a doctor. 40 something percent said fuck knows. And then like the other half said, yeah. The very small amount said no. And obviously, like, I'm sort of loving all that attention. Like, what do you think I need to do? Like, oh, I'm going to use that. No, I'm actually joking. But I have always thought like, maybe I'm a little bit ADHD, especially because my brain, like, we'll get into this. But my little old brain cannot cope. I get so overwhelmed with the smallest things. And if I've got something to do, it's like, oh God, it can be something minor. Like, I don't know, post a parcel. Oh my God. And it feels so good to get it done. Right. But I don't think I've got ADHD. I don't think so. I just think I'm just my brain. I think I'm just very emotionally

charged. Does that make sense? So things can feel so overwhelming because I'm so emotional. Does that make sense? Anyway, but I'm starting already. I'm starting already. Look at me go, look at me go. Let's just actually dive into the episode. Love you guys. Let's go. Welcome to Leah on the Line. Join me every Tuesday as I dial your number

for the ultimate unfiltered bestie catch up. Whatever it is, we will laugh together and guide each other along the way. Head to leahontheline.com and follow Leah on the Line on Instagram to get involved. Love you. Okay, everyone. So we obviously discussed this a little bit last week, but because there were so many of you that can relate, I kind of want to dive straight back in to this like feeling disconnected from everyone. The amount of DMs you guys sent me saying that

you feel the same like you don't feel this connection to people and you feel you feel separate to the world it's the trippiest thing and i cannot explain it but somebody explained it really well and they basically said that it feels exhausting to be in people's company. And I cannot relate to that enough. I find being in people's company mentally and emotionally draining. And I think that's why I spend so much time alone. And like I said last time, I'm not spending time alone because I love being alone. I'm spending so much time alone because I love being alone I'm spending so much time alone because I find it exhausting being in people's company and it's it's such a weird thing

like as a human surely I should just be able to interact with other humans like surely that's just a skill and it's not even that I can't interact it's just that I find it challenging and I find it emotionally challenging which is so bizarre and I'm also someone that like this genuinely needs to be studied but I will adjust my personality depending on who I'm around like that needs to be studied because why do I do that I honestly that seriously needs to be studied I don't know why I do that not majorly like I'm not like fake like I'm not like a different person but if somebody if somebody doesn't swear much right and they're not very you know say there might be a bit more taboo and they're not like

me like naturally where I'm like fucking cock balls pussy like that's just the way I am right but if I'm around them obviously I think it's natural that you're not going to be that way around them because you just think you're going to be uncomfortable but if I'm around them all the time I will become like them like I will become like you I would literally turn into you and I genuinely think Ariana Grande does this with her boyfriend that needs to be studied but I it has to be a thing it has to be a thing where like I will turn into you and I think when I spend so much time alone that's when I'm my truest self but I think because I

have this part of my personality where I'm trying to I don't even consciously do it by the way but I will just like become the people I'm around if I'm not around people for a long time I don't know who to be like I don't know who I am naturally like just naturally and I don't know it's so hard it's so hard because I'm like well obviously I'm not I'm not my I'm not fake in being anything but I you know I talk like my sister like we both say like the same things and my sense of humor is the same as my sister we spend so much time together so i'm we're the same person and like when i lived in london and i was hanging out with hannah all the time we become the same person when i was with zoe all the time when she lived near me in london we become the same person and it's like is that just a normal universal experience or

are there people out there that can just be around someone and not change because listen when I say change I'm not drastically changing right I'm not because put it this way growing up I've always had my things that no one around me had like no one around me liked playing computer games. When actually I did have one friend, shout out Summer, we were the only people in our circle that used to do that, but she moved schools. And then when I'm getting older, I'm not surrounded by anyone that loves Justin Bieber. I'm not surrounded by anyone that loves playing The Sims. I'm not surrounded by anyone that wants to be, I don't know, in musical theatre. Like whatever it was is I had my own things that were just

naturally what I was passionate about and what I naturally loved and what was truly me and I think as I've gotten older that's what that's what's missing that's what I've lost because when I was younger there's videos of me like dancing around high school musical. We're talking about it recently, weren't we guys? And that's like, well, I clearly naturally love that. I'm clearly very naturally obsessed with all of that life. So there are parts of me that I was just born to do, born to be passionate about, born to love. But I find it so difficult. And I guess this comes down to type four personality is I'm so

my my mind is oops my mind is so heavy my thoughts are so heavy my thoughts are so emotional that I analyze everything I I I don't things confuse me I want to understand the point in the world and the my point in in being alive and my meaning in the world and what I'm supposed to do and what I'm supposed to bring and if I can't see it this is really morbid what I'm about to say basically I can't see my future I can't see children and my own home and like my I don't know adult life I can't see it right I don't get it I can't imagine it so I've always had this awful fear that like it's because it's not going to happen and this sounds fucked up and there's a reason I'm saying this right but I've always had this thing of like I'm not going to make it there

if you know what I mean the reason I my life isn't figuring itself out is because it doesn't matter because I'm not going to make it right that's really morbid and really depressing and sad thought and hopefully not fucking true at all but the reason I'm saying that is because that is how heavy my mind works you should not be having them thoughts that's not normal to think oh I can't picture my future probably because I'm gonna be dead like what like that your brain should not work like that you I can't see the future because I'm not fucking psychic mate there's a reason you can't see the future because I'm not clairvoyant right who's Claire by the way is it clairvoyant it is as well who the fuck's Claire anyway but yeah so this is just one example of how my mind works and

I'm sorry imagine how draining that is to anyone that can't relate to that imagine how droning that is and let me explain what it's like for me to be in people's company okay so say okay I have a perfect example on my birthday I'm a twin I share a birthday obviously with my twin brother we will have a big family party pretty much every year around the house because mum's got a perfect garden for a party, right? So we always have a party in the garden. Every single time without fail, I will take myself away, myself away go to my bedroom and just be sad for a minute and just be sad for what reason I think it's because I'm I'm surrounded by too many people and it's like all these people are here for you but not in my mind none of these people like me right why they're here because it's an excuse for a family

party right and I have this heavy heavy thought and feeling anxiety whatever it is my whole life since I was so young okay um that I don't fit in anywhere I go even at home my family as a as a very young child I'm different to my siblings I child, I'm different to my siblings. I'm different. I'm different to my cousins. I'm different to everyone in my class. I'm different. No one likes me because they don't get me. I'm not a bad person. I never thought, oh, people don't like me because I'm horrible. I just always thought people can't connect with me. And my issue is, is I cannot connect with you is I cannot connect with you I cannot connect with you and it's not that I don't feel empathy like I really do I do feel people's feelings and emotions

it's strange and something I've really struggled with all my life and to be honest I'm actually really relieved that so many of you were my dm saying that you can relate but like I've never truly had like a long-term friendship you know them friendships where it's like oh like my sister she's had the same friends since she was so young and I'm like I don't have that and I always thought why don't I have that because I'm not horrible I'm not a horrible person I'm I don't argue with anyone like I've never had arguments with friends I think I've never had arguments with friends. I think I've had like tiny little bickers that you have when you're a teenager or younger, but like growing up, like, yeah, there's obviously like miscommunication and you

might need to have like a conversation to resolve any conflict or whatever. But I've never been that friend where we're like, oh, we've, we've fallen out and we ain't talking and she's a bitch and I've been a bitch and she said this and I said that and I'm slagging her off and she's slagging me off. Like, I've never been in them friendships as an adult, obviously, like in school, can't be fucking avoided, really. Girls are bitches. I was included in that, right? Whatever. But as an adult, like, my friendships just seem to fizzle and fizzle and I've always it's always really got me down because when I get close with a girl and we become really good

friends I like fall in love like I'm like you are my soulmate my best friend like the Sophia to my chintzia like I have this mentality of like you're everything I've ever been looking for in a friendship I feel like I've finally got a companion I finally got a bestie like a rock like we're here for each other we laugh together like we share clothes like and I've longed for it so long that when I find these girls and they will always mean a lot to me any girl that I've ever got really close with like that they will always mean a lot to me um but they they just fizzle and I'm like it's clearly me like but then I don't understand why and then I think to myself well they don't really fizzle Leah like you move like I had a really close friend at uni who I loved and adored and then we moved away and that's why it fizzled so that's like

that's understandable and then there's like friends from college where it's like I adored you we spent every single day together I loved you I loved you I love the ground you walk on we both moved so it fizzled and then like you hear things like someone's bitching about you someone's bitching about you and then I think what I thought we was fucking friends like we was like sisters back in the day and then again it's like oh well you know there's 10 there's some sort of tension there that I'm unaware of I don't know what this is about and then I get close with another girl and then this has been said and then I'm like my friendships fizzle because we move and then there seems to be this like awkward tension which makes me not feel like we're friends anymore and it's like oh like

I don't know it's not that we're friends but I really struggle with just long-term friendships I can't I always find that when I find a girl that we have so much in common I'm like oh my god like this is the friendship I've been dreaming of. Like we both watch the same YouTubers, like we both listen to the same, both love Ariana Grande. And then, yeah, I just really struggle. And then as I've gotten older, I think I understand that actually, I find it hard to truly connect with people. And I think, therefore, people must find it hard to truly connect with me and that's something that I've found really difficult because I do long for that friendship I do long for this companion ship in ships in my life um and I've never since school where you're forced to I've never been part of a girl group I've never had that girls group chat I've never been in a girls group chat ever I don't think and then I get so sad and I see

it and it's like they're booking they're planning Marbella and they're all going away on a girls trip and then I think I feel I feel so sad and empty that I don't have that but then I think it's probably it's really not cut out for me either because I find it too overwhelming if I was in a group chat I don't know what I would I don't know how I'd act I don't actually know how I'd act if girls were messaging me in a group chat I'd be like um what's going on here I don't know so yeah that's one thing that I really wanted to I've always found this really hard to admit because I feel like if I had somebody say this I'd think well you're obviously a bitch and I'd think you're obviously the problem like it can't be everyone

else and not you but the thing is is as I've gotten older I've realized that it's none of us it's not it's not the people that I'm fizzling out realized that it's none of us it's not it's not the people that I'm fizzling out friendships with it's not them either it's not it's not me or them it's just I don't know our personalities I don't know I have no clue my personality whatever it is it's not bitchiness it's not nastiness it's not toxicity there's no arguments it just fizzles and I just tend to always lose touch we always lose touch um and I found that really hard to admit because like I said I think it just makes me sound like not a very nice person because I think yeah like I said if somebody said that to me I'd think well what's the matter with you do you know what I mean like what why why are these people not

want to stay friends with you but it's not that they don't want to stay friends with me me and one of my friends we haven't we haven't seen each other in over a year but we speak like probably once every four months and saying like just to let you know I still love you and adore you so much I'm so proud of you like can't we need to do this soon. Like, life is just crazy. And it's like, realistically, that's probably not normal that we haven't seen each other in that amount of time, but we still have this huge love for each other. So I'm like, right, okay. So it's not a case of like, I'm not a good friend or people don't like being around me and stuff like that. Like, because I've always looked at myself, I've always looked inwards and been like what is it about me that my friendships always tend to fizzle out and I've realized that I don't know why they fizzle out but what I do know is is there's still so much love between me

and these people and I love them so much and they still like tell me that they love me so I'm like okay there's no bad blood so why why can I not maintain closeness with people so that is something that I've really struggled with all my life um but yeah like when I was really little all my siblings I have three siblings one is a lot older than me one is you guys know Jodie she's like two two and a half years older than me and my twin brother and I always felt so different to them oh my god I cannot explain it I felt so different to them and I still do I still do me and Jodie have the most like we're so fucking close we have such a good friendship but we are so different we are so different and again like I feel like the real me is a massive secret around people I love like even around my family I feel like the real me I don't really show the real me at all I feel like I put this front on and it's like a protection thing. And I think I've done

that for so many years that now I look at myself and I think, who the fuck are you? And I'll tell you something for free. It does not help that I grew up doing musical theatre and playing characters for a living because you get good at it okay I grew up being an actress like I did shows and played different characters for and difficult I will never ever just go to someone and say I need a hug or I feel really shit at the moment or like I'm really anxious I'm really scared I'm really worried I just I just like shut down internally and then externally I appear fine or one thing that I cannot stand, I really cannot bear this guys, when I'm upset people say to me, what's the matter with you, why are you so moody? I can't bear it, I can't bear it, I'll just fucking shut down even more.

I hate that so much because when I am really hurt and upset or just scared anxious upset stress whatever it is I am struggling to function and then people be like they they they what's the word assess my behavior assume that it's moody and I don't know bitchy like I'm pissed off and therefore they'll sort of just keep more of a distance some people not all people and then that makes my whole lonely I'm so sad I'm so alone so much worse that I will shut down even more. But on top of that, I feel angry then. Then I feel angry. And then I have this feeling of like, no one can read your mind, Leah. No one knows what's wrong with you. So stop expecting people to. But that's my issue is like, I can't bear it when people back up from my emotions. It makes me feel so unloved and unrejected.

And this, reading into type four Enneagram, is a massive part of type four. It's like, I can't bear it when people don't understand my emotions. And I can't bear it when they don't wanna know or when they don't wanna hear it. They don't wanna understand. They. They don't want to understand. They're not putting themselves in my shoes.

They're not showing sympathy. They're not showing me love and support. I can't bear it. I'll either feel so, so sad and take myself away to just be sad and cry and then come back and be like, hey, what's up, you guys? Like, I'm all good. And then everyone thinks, oh, she's up, you guys? Like, I'm all good. And then everyone thinks, oh, she's out of a bad mood now. Or I'll be pissed off about it. And then I'm moody. And then you were right in the first place, because now I'm actually, actually genuinely moody.

And I have learned that I am really difficult. that I am really difficult. But you know what? I think it's so important to look at ourselves and understand our emotions and behavior patterns and recognize the toxic parts of us. Like, again, me not being able to communicate when I'm sad is so toxic. It's not fair on other people, but I still cannot do it if there's something that's making me sad I can talk to Jamie most of the time but I will literally I just feel like I think I've always had this feeling of like no one cares about me like no one loves me no one cares so why would I talk that's really depressing but yeah that's genuinely true like I have always felt like that I've always felt totally misunderstood is the word I would use

and all through uni I think the main reason I struggled so much at uni was because my course the girls on my course were so close they were so so so close all of them and they all lived together and I was not invited to live with them so I assumed none of you people like me right you want to live together, but you don't want to live with me. And I took it to heart more than I should have. But rather than just thinking, I don't want to live with them either, because I didn't. So why do I care? I run away more. And I think, all right then, you don't like me. I haven't done anything to you what have I done to you that's my mentality what have I done and then that's it then then we we don't stand a chance do you know what I mean and I had one girl in my course who I was really close

with who again I did that thing where I like cling and I love them and I think oh my god you're everything and we spend so much time together and then when our friendship fizzles I feel really heartbroken like friendship breakups really impact me like I feel so heartbroken and and I think it's because I really struggle with rejection and I feel like if if somebody if people are really connecting with each other I can't do that because like I said I find it so hard to connect with people and I'm surrounded by people that are connecting with each other and I can feel that I'm not part of that so I withdraw even more because I feel like no one's connecting with me and then I feel sorry for myself and I'm like oh no one likes me no one's connecting with me and then I feel sorry for myself and I'm like oh no one likes

me no one's connecting with me and then I'm just lonely and then I'll like just fuck off for attention but Leah no one's gonna give you attention like that everyone's just gonna think you're weird is what I learned at a young age so through uni my mentality was like I'll just fuck off then do you know what I mean like if you guys are all really close and no one likes me like who gives a fuck about me then bear in mind I was only 18 so cut me some slack all right so then I become emotionally unavailable and people can't talk to me people don't feel comfortable with me because I'm I'm like this weird like the tension there's tension and I'm polite and I'm friendly and I'm kind and I'll I'll have a laugh and we can be

funny and you know like you make me laugh I can make you laugh and we're good friends we're mates we're mates but then there is always a wall where I will not let you pass I will not let you in because you don't want to come in do you know what I mean that's my weird mentality there's always this wall not not so much these days but definitely oh my god growing up I'm definitely more open and I am more aware of like my own mentality being part of the problem but definitely back in the day it was like a case of like there's a wall up okay I'm not letting you in because you don't want to come in. Do you know what I mean? It's weird.

It makes no fucking sense. I'm not sure where that comes from. I should probably dive into that with my therapist. But yeah, that's just something I really struggled with. But I guess being in your 20s, let's talk about being in your 20s for a minute. Because I think being in your 20s is a hard enough battle as it is, like trying to find these human connections is hard enough for a type four personality, let alone in your 20s. I think people struggle with that in your 20s, full stop. And one thing I've realized about myself is, especially in my 20s, I've always had this

thought of like, life starts when, you know, like, oh, life will start when I finish uni. Oh, life will start when I get this show, when I get this role. Life will start when I've got this much money in my account. Life will start when I've got this much money in my account life will start when I've got my own property and it's always a case of like life will start when blank and then what I'm learning is life has been starting babe life started 26 years ago almost 27 and I've always been like life hasn't started yet like it's not started yet but it has and it's just passing me by that's really deep but I think it's so true and genuinely I think it's relatable I think a lot of people can relate to that feeling of like something's missing in my life and when I've got it that's when life starts

you know whether that be your dream job life will start when I get that when I get that job life will start when I get the relationship I want life will start when I have my children life will start when I've paid off my debt like whatever it is it's always like we're waiting for whatever it is we think it is that feels like life but this is life this is it life has been lifing like this whole like being a teenager and then turning into a 20 year old and then growing up into a young woman and having these friendships and then breakdowns of friendships breakdowns and relationships new relationships this is all this that's all life that's what life is and I guess it just somebody said I think I saw that somewhere and I was just like that's that's kind of fucking nuts really that all my life I've seriously especially me especially me like I

know any different to whatever you guys have but I mean like I can relate to that massively that I have genuinely genuinely not looked at my life like this is I'm in the midst of it like I haven't looked at it like that I've seen as like, I'm just trying to figure it all out and then I'll be good. Like, let me just figure some shit out. Let me just figure it out. And then we can, then we can rock and roll. Like the sad, the sad part is trigger warning to anyone with a fear of death. We don't know how far into life we are i could be i didn't want to jinx it we don't know if you're at the beginning if you're halfway if you're at the end we don't know and that's fucking morbid what i've just said ew but realistically is i had a massive wake-up call of like what is it i think i'm waiting for? What's going to happen

where I go, this is life, this is life. Because this is life, this bit, this is all life, this has all been life, right? And I think being in your 20s is so much harder than I think our parents or that older generation, not even our parents, but just the older generation were given credit for themselves to give us credit for, you know, because it's fucking hard. Like we're, a lot of us are in financial messes a lot of us are living at home a lot of us are healing a lot of us have had breakdowns in relationships a lot of us um have gone to uni and had an incredible career from of it from it and a lot of us have gone to uni and done jack shit with it but either way a lot of us are finding it fucking hard if not all of us and I hear people all the time say like life really starts in your 30s and boy do I hope so because I get it I get why it would be so hard in your

20s it makes sense like we're recovering from that transition from a teenager to a young adult and whatever mess we got ourselves into um whether that be relationships finances career education like whatever decisions we made when we were probably too young to be making them we're now recovering from deciding like okay do I want children do I want to settle down like everything's heavier now everything is heavier compared to what it was to be honest for me even five years ago like your relationships when you're 21 are very different to when you're 26 they are very different when you're 21 it's just a boy it's just a boy when you're 26. They are very different. When you're 21, it's just a boy. It's just a boy. When you're 26, it's like, is this the person I want to settle down with? Is this

the person I want to marry, perhaps have children with, move into a house with? And everything is heavier. Everything like that feels heavier. Everything feels like it matters so much. And it doesn't have to and at the same time it kind of does because this is our future we're talking about but at the same time it's like everyone tells you to just be free and be young but then I can't be free and be young because then what do I do when when I'm in my 30s and I've got nothing I've got nothing planned you know so it's very hard and I think as well it's the first time in our life when we hit our 20s it's the first time in our lives where we're not all doing the same thing every day like in school

we're all in year 10 we're all doing our GCSEs you know we're all finishing at night at three sorry we're all getting there at nine and finishing at three and walking home we we probably all walk home together do you mean we all live in the same vicinity we're all doing the same thing we've all got english at 10 we've all we've all got our our second period do you know what i mean and then all of a sudden it's like well you're you're buying a house and I'm paying off my overdraft you're getting married and I've just been broken up with you're having children and I'm getting pissed every Saturday like we're all we've all gone from like being in the exact same position to everyone is totally different phases of life and we're all going should i be doing what she's doing and should she should probably be doing what i'm doing like it's all this mentality of like what is the correct thing because growing up you're told

what's correct you're told you stop at the traffic lights and you wait and you hold my hand and then we walk together you eat your carrots and you eat your broccoli and then you take your lunch and you you eat your sandwich before you eat your chocolate bar and then you go to school and you you wear your uniform and you're told to do everything you do you are told to do that is what is the right thing to do i'm telling you now as your as your parental guardian um i tell you what what to do i make your decisions for you you know what you're having for dinner spaghetti bolognese it's my decision right that's what that's what it's like being a kid then all of a sudden it's up to you well what do you want for dinner? You know, what are you

making? What are you doing tomorrow? What are you doing Saturday? What are you going to do for a job? Where are you going to live? How are you going to pay them bills? And it's like, what? Aren't you supposed to tell me that? So you're telling me I got to figure this out now on my own? And that is a quick transition. That happens quick. It just quick it just before you know you leave school and yeah of course like our parents look after us of course they do like if we're lucky they look after us right and they take care of you and you know because he's still young I was actually 15 when I left school because my birthday is in August so I was actually 15 which is so fucking young and I was 20 when I left uni like what I was 20 with a degree that I didn't use so yeah it's like all of a sudden it's like well you're done now you're done with all the education

and and being home by 10 and all this. Now do what you want. Now it's like, well, you just have to sneak alcohol. Now I can just go and buy it. Yeah. And it's up to you not to drink too much of it. And it's up to you to make sure that you get yourself in a taxi and you get home. Do you know what I mean? And like, you're not going to be in trouble for anything anymore because you are an adult and you can do whatever you want and it's your life and it's like whoa babe can we go back but the thing is I would never want to go back I hated being a kid I remember being a kid and feeling like I wasn't supposed to be a kid this is the weirdest fucking thing as well I've this is what I mean by everything was so fucking heavy can you imagine my brain right imagine just being me at 13 draining but I've always just felt like I'm not cut out to be a kid like I don't I don't have an issue with authority I will listen to everything you say I will not argue a thing you say and I

don't you tell me to be somewhere I'll be there you tell me you're not allowed to do something I won't do it I'm of a good kid right but I But I felt like I'm more, I relate to the adults more. I related to the adults more than I related to the kids my age. I'd go on holiday with my family. I would rather hang out with my mum and my auntie than go off and make friends like my sister and my brother did. My sister was going out kissing boys on our family holidays. I would rather sit with my mom and hang out with the adults. I just have always been that way. I've always been like, and I guess that's why I felt misunderstood all my life is because I can't

relate to people my age. I could never relate to people my age. And then as I got older, I had this huge issue where I felt like a kid. I've always felt like a kid in an adult environment. So when I started working in professional environments and started getting proper jobs, right? I felt like a fucking kid. I remember I worked at H&M. Sorry, I love H&M. I fucking love H&M. I buy a lot of clothes there. Worst job I've ever had though that I just remember being surrounded by these women and feeling so young and so like immature next to them like if I needed a day off I couldn't just be like hi are you all right how are we looking on Saturday am I right to get the day off do you think I know it's last minute sorry just is that right I just this has popped up that's all I'd be trembling trembling walking up them stairs to the office looking on the door and

I'm like um um do you think I could maybe have Saturday off and then she'd be like we're looking busy don't even worry about it don't even worry about it I'll work a double I'll work a double seriously forget I asked I'll work I'll work your shift I'll cover your shift I'll work all weekend seriously I just had no backbone at all like seriously pussy big pussy like I just have always been like that and I never felt like an adult surrounded by adults I just felt like a kid and my aunt I had this conversation with my auntie she was like I had that I always felt like a kid always now I think about it I'd say my aunt is probably a type four as well if she took the test I reckon she'd be a type four maybe I'm not sure but yeah like I she said that to me that she she understood that feeling and she was like I always felt like a kid

and she said to me you've got to remember that you're an adult and they're an adult and that's that that's it and it wasn't until she said that to me I thought fucking hell that's good that is that's that's true that is bloody brilliant I hadn't even thought about the fact that I'm also an adult and it really changed my perspective and then when I'd I'd go into new jobs and I'd sit down in my interviews and I thought I don't need to be anything I'm not and it almost just hit me all of a sudden like I don't need to pretend I'm an adult because I am an adult I don't I don't need to sit here and go okay act like an adult you're you're an adult like just be an adult and I it took me so long to like realize that I was an adult isn't that strange

but I feel like people can relate to that I'm not sure but let me know and then oops I'll hit the mic I as I think probably until I got to about 25 like last my last birthday I actually that's not true my last birthday was 26 anyway when I was 25 I think it wasn't until then that I've I felt like an adult with a backbone and not in like a bitchy way not in like a oh I'm gonna put my foot down and stick up for myself not in that way that's not something that like I ever had to face I just mean I guess having a bit more respect for myself in a room and understanding that like I really respect all these people in this room and they respect me too and we're friends and we are equal and I'm not below anyone and I had my first manager that made me feel like that as well about that age it was at a bar in London my last bar job her name was Brie she was Australian

shout out her name is Brianna but Brie let the cheese yeah and she's the first manager I've ever had that made me feel just like a human and made me feel like I didn't have to bullshit like I remember I got my lips done I look like a fucking fish and I messaged her and I was like I look like a fish today um is it all right if I stay at home and she was like absolutely put some ice on and chill out and just let me know if they go down and come in if they do and it's the first manager where you could just be a human and you didn't have to be like oh god what am i going to tell my manager oh i've been sick everywhere i've been throwing up all severe diarrhea like no i could just be honest and i think that comes from someone making you feel really respected and having a real true connection I feel like I really did connect with her in a nice way

but then again also I still always have this like you will only get so close you know but um yeah I think the person that I've connected with the strongest in my life was Hannah I think um we had the most beautiful friendship and I still love her so much. It's so weird because that episode that went out, she spoke to me that day because she was going to a podcast event and she was asking me if I was there, which sadly I wasn't. But it was just really weird. And I thought Hannah is one of the people in my life that like, we didn't speak for ages, not no beef or nothing, but we just didn't speak for ages not no beef or nothing but we just didn't speak for ages and then when I came out of my last relationship she was with me through that relationship she knew the ins and outs of what my emotional state was and what I was going through

and she was the first person to message me and say like I'm really fucking proud of you and I think these people that come into my life that I have this bond with I will always feel like connected to in like this really weird way and like I'll always have that like the same with Zoe and Jess like I always have this like like you're really special to me and even if we don't see each other for fucking ages like we just have that and I think it's really nice to have that but I still feel sad and empty and I still feel sad and lonely in friendships which is awful because when I'm close with people like that it's so fulfilling for me and I think the only reason I don't have that is because there is no one around me locally that I'm really close with and that's actually the only reason why we're back on friendships again

but yeah so many of you guys said that you've always struggled with friendships and it was definitely something you wanted me to touch on today so that's why I have tried to focus on it a lot because I think being in our 20s and feeling like we don't have many friends is actually such an embarrassing thing to admit for some reason. And I've always been really embarrassed about that. And when I meet people and they talk about like, oh, your best friend, like your best friend. And I think, I don't know who that is. And that makes me really sad. And I've always been really embarrassed about it. And this is your reminder that if you don't feel like you have a best friend or you know long-term friendships I am with you and I don't think it's it's a reflection of like not

being likable or not being a nice friend or anything like that as long as you can look at yourself and say you love yourself and you're proud of how you treat people and you're kind I just think sometimes some of us are just a little bit different and we're proud of how you treat people and you're kind. I just think sometimes some of us are just a little bit different and we're just meant to be, I don't know, sometimes maybe we just have to work a little bit harder for connections and I haven't, I haven't worked harder. Maybe that's something I should start to do. So yeah, I love you guys. I hope this episode has brought you comfort. comfort honestly I really hope it has it's been very confronting very healing very I've had to be very honest and vulnerable in this

um which isn't isn't the easiest thing in the world for me I find um you know admitting some of this stuff quite hard um and it's it's upsetting but at the same time like I said so many of you were telling me that you could relate to that so I think that really encouraged me to just be honest because I've never heard anyone say these things I've never heard anyone say that they feel lonely and sad all the time no matter who they're around and you know what actually I remember Jordan Lipscomb shout out lovely lovely person she posted something about two years ago saying about like how she doesn't really have friends and she's really lonely and that was so validating for me because to me she is the most loveliest most gorgeous person you know I went to her birthday party can confirm she is lovely she's a lovely person and she's she said like you

know I've always struggled with friendships and maintaining long-term friendships and I think hearing that was really validating for me because I look at her and can see she's a great person so if she if she feels what I'm feeling maybe it's not us you know maybe we do just struggle with connection um and that is definitely something I am willing to work on because connections are so important and they're probably the best part of life is connecting with other humans um and I I like I said I feel so heavy so when you know like things like um the London Marathon such a good example right things like that make me so emotional because although I struggle with human connection I feel it so intensely when it's strangers connecting and supporting each other and showing love and when it's something like the marathon and everyone's clapping you're clapping

a total stranger and stuff like that like it makes me feel extreme like overwhelming I feel sad like it makes me feel very sad but also I think it's so beautiful it's really strange um and you know like you know them tiktok videos where like some guy will just go over and hand someone a note that says like you know I hope you have a beautiful day remember to keep smiling wherever they just give a strange person like a random note and these things I think wow like that beautiful just human connection I just love it and it's really weird because I feel so emotional when I experience it yet I find it so hard to experience and I find it exhausting to experience. Isn't that weird?

But I hope you guys have found this comforting. And look, we don't need to sit here and pretend that we're all perfect humans. We all have faults. We all have flaws. We all have failed friendships, relationships, whatever it is. Things about ourselves that make us difficult and make us different and make us, I don't know, whatever the words are, but yeah, we don't need to sit here and pretend that we're perfect people. And I'm actually kind of tired of that. We're actually kind of tired of seeing that everywhere. And I think let's be honest and say, you know, like we, a lot of us have issues and there's things that

hold us all back and things that we, we all want to change and all need to work on. And there's also so much we love about ourselves. And you know what? I think we should, we should end this episode of talking about things we love about ourselves. I love that I remain hopeful about life no matter how I know that actually sounds kind of contradicting because I have these thoughts that I think I'm gonna like not make it but that is the point even though I can have them thoughts where things feel really heavy and I'm like well I can't see a future so I don't know what the fuck's gonna happen to me I'm also I still try really hard and I still get really excited for the future and I still I still feel really hopeful and you know like I don't have strong friendship connections in my life but I still feel really hopeful that I will find a companion and a bestie and a sisterhood I still do that's one thing I love

about myself I love that I care so much I love that I'm really sensitive I think that's a good thing I love you know I grew up everyone called me sensitive everyone said that to me oh you're so sensitive you're so sensitive because I cried all the time and I took everything to heart and that was difficult for me and I was always ashamed in it but it doesn't affect anyone else in a bad way you know like yeah I feel I just feel things really intensely and I love that about myself as an adult I think that makes me empathetic I think it makes me kind I think it makes me a good person to feel so strongly and I love that and I hope my children feel strongly as well I hope they they take that um I love that I can be silly I love that about myself that I can be a silly a silly goofy girl and not take things too seriously even when they feel really heavy

I can still find it in me to have a laugh um most of the time and that's one thing I love about myself so yeah you guys need to name three things that you all love about yourself if anything I'd actually be really happy if you guys could write them down or even send them to me over dm I think that would actually be really lovely I have an incredible idea in the works at the moment that I look, I would love to tell you, but I can't right now. I don't even know. It's literally just an idea at this point. I brainstormed. I've had this idea for so long, you guys, and I brainstormed and I brainstormed and I brainstormed. And the other day I thought, you know what? I'm just going to fucking design this thing myself. And I got on my laptop and I brainstormed and the other day I thought you know what I'm just gonna fucking design this thing myself and I got on my laptop and I was there probably for about eight hours

and I put it together sent it to my manager and I was like look let me know what you think so I'm really hoping that it can go somewhere because it's something I'm so passionate about I would love to bring it to you guys I would love it so much so everyone manifest that we can make this happen um but yeah I've really enjoyed this episode I hope you guys have as well um it's been nice to just sit here and be raw and vulnerable because obviously we talk so much about relationships and dating and yeah we do touch on things like this every now and then but I think it's the first time I've ever felt comfortable hanging up my dirty laundry and saying like yeah look do you know what I struggle with this and there's things I don't like about myself but you know what I think

let's just make sure that we're all working hard every day to be good people kind people to give back to people to show love to people and more importantly show love to yourself because you know that can be forgotten sometimes all right guys I love you so much I'm sorry if you felt like this episode was a little bit more heavy but you know it's necessary every now and then it can't all be jokes and banter over here right but I hope you guys did enjoy it and I hope it brought you comfort and love and I love you so much and I'm so proud of you all for everything that you've accomplished even if it was just getting out of bed today I I'm so proud of you. I think you're doing amazing. And yeah, have an amazing weekend and amazing week. Actually,

it's a Tuesday one we're talking about. Hope you guys have an amazing week and weekend, whatever it is that you're getting up to. And I will speak to you guys on Tuesday for a brand new episode. All right. I love you bye