Leah on the Line - 5: Finding real friends in your 20’s & how to deal with drama

Episode Date: February 15, 2022

Okay enough boy talk!!! Let's focus on friendships this week. The weekly debate this week is "do you continue to support your bestie that keeps going back back to her toxic bf?" and omg what a chat we had this week! It was so good catching up with you all and I just absolutely love our weekly chats. Stay tuned for bonus episodes now coming every FRIDAY! As always send in your thoughts and/or dilemmas to [e-mail]! Love you! xxxx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey you guys! Hey everyone! Welcome back! Happy post... wait, what's the word? Happy belated valentines. How was your valentines? You single this year. Did you have a romantic day? Are you in a relationship? Did you have a Galentine's? Palentine's? Or was it just a classic old Valentine's? Did you get flowers? Now, I'm not really a flowers girl. I don't really care about flowers. Anybody else? Like, especially because you know, like, especially if they get them delivered to your house, cost quite a lot of lot of money like if you want to use one of these websites where they get it like flat packed and post a free letterbox or somebody knocks on your door and delivers it costs like 30 40 quid and to be honest with you I'd rather a 30 40 pound plt voucher anyone else

I don't know I'm just flowers are lovely but going to die. And also, just because it's Valentine's Day, I, like, unless you buy me flowers every other time of the year, I don't mind. I mean, Jake did buy me a rose, but I feel like a single rose is a really beautiful, kind, like, loving gesture. But a bouquet of flowers,, like I don't need it, hon. I don't need the bouquet. Do you know what I mean? Also, I'm not, I'm not like one of those girls that can arrange it really beautifully in a vase and make it look really stunning in the house. But a single rose, I think it's so romantic and a little bit sexy. Do you know what I mean? So he got me a little rose, which I was really with we haven't really done our valentine's day yet also I will let you know I'm filming this on valentine's day

um we haven't done it yet but I'll let you know so for Jake because it's his birthday like a week today I didn't want to like go out for a nice romantic meal or anything because I'm taking him out next week for his birthday so I didn't want to make his birthday feel less special you know so today for valentine's we're just having like a little little day just me and him fab's out working today so we have actually got a free house but i'm on my period again i've had two periods this month actually two and a half really because i did have a little bit of bleeding for like three days oh sorry guys some of you are probably going to just turn me off now for that

but do you know what it's period it's natural and we're all girls and you know there is the odd boy listening to this I've learned so sorry about that I get periods I'm a girl why is that so disgusting you know why is it disgusting like why does it disgust people anyway so yeah I'm on period so I won't be having any raunchy valentine's night but oh well do you know what i mean it's not about sex it's about love well it's about whatever you want it to be about do you know i mean you can do absolutely nothing today and if you are doing absolutely nothing today good for you good for you do you mean you're not gonna slip under peer pressure to feel loved because it's the 14th of february 2022 no do you know what i mean exactly

so yeah we're just i I went to Poundland like two weeks ago because I was in Somerset back home. I mean, my sister went to Poundland and I picked up like some rose petals and some candles. I hope you can't hear me. And some like love hot chocolates. And I'm just going to like make the room look nice and we'll watch film. Oh my God, who's been watching Trigger Point on ITV? You need to watch it. If you're not watching that, keep listening to the podcast. But once you finish this episode, okay, no, you're probably like on your way to work or something.

Actually, let me know what you do. Like what are you doing right now while you're listening to this? Are you at the gym? If you are, yes, keep going, honey. You're doing amazing. Get those squats in or get those extra miles in on that treadmill. Yeah, keep going. You're doing amazing. Think about how amazing you're going amazing get those squats in or get those extra miles in on that treadmill yeah keep going you're doing amazing think about how amazing you're gonna feel and look by summer keep going um and if you're on your way to work you are a good mature woman i'm still unemployed but on the

plus side i do have two um interviews slash trial shifts this week which which is exciting. At the end of last week, I said to you all, by the time I speak to you next week, I'm going to have a job. It's going to be amazing. I'm going to have amazing news and I have a job, but I do have two possible opportunities. It's looking a little bit more positive around here. Okay. I'll let you know next week. Also, I'm doing bonus episodes on Fridays. So they're going to be completely random and completely different every week. This week coming, I'm going to do like my first time. So people sent in things that they want to hear my first time of, for example, my first time getting like blackout drunk, my first time getting my period, like any sort of first time stories that you wanted to hear. period like any any sort of first time stories that you wanted to hear I've got a whole list of them that will be out on Friday so stay tuned for that and keep any ideas coming for what you think we could do on Fridays what can we do on our bonus apps yeah um I can't actually remember I've gone

off on about six different branches from one topic but let's just get into the podcast I I'm feeling good today I keep getting so many people telling me that they want to hear longer episodes and I thought 45 minutes to an hour was like a pretty good shift but you guys want you guys you just never enough for you is it I'm joking I love that you want more so um I'm gonna aim to make this one a bit longer. So far we're five minutes in. I need to keep track of that time. I never do. All right. So I'm going to go straight in with the weekly debate this week. This week is going to be focused mainly on friendships. So as you may have noticed, a lot of our episodes so far have been very relationship focused, boy drama, and I'm just sick of men at this point to be honest like anybody

else so today I know it's like valentine's week but I guess this one's for you single gals out there we're sick of it I mean don't talk about boys just for one day let's just not talk about boys for five minutes I'm going to talk about friendships because as a girl in my 20s I'm 25 this year I feel sick saying that I'm 25 this year um and I have I've actually said this in every episode every single one I don't have many friends so the reason I want to do this week is because so many people have been in touch to say they don't have many friends either and friends can be really difficult and friendships can be really hard to maintain. So I thought, let's do a whole episode where we talk about that and we talk about our friend dramas. And then probably all by the end of it, I'm reminded why we don't actually want friends.

Joking. We do want friends. We do want friends. We just want non-toxic healthy loving supporting care and relationships with friends and unfortunately it's hard to find in our 20s but anyway I've got some really good dilemmas oh wait no I've just completely gone off topic the weekly debate Leah right weekly debate so the weekly debate this week was do you continue to support your bestie that keeps going back to her toxic boyfriend? So I was worried about the response to this. I was so scared that you were all going to be like, no, I can't fucking support that shit. Like have some self-respect. And unfortunately there were a few that feel that way, which, you know, is understandable.

unfortunately there were a few that feel that way which you know is understandable but I'm really pleased that 90% of the responses were oh my god of course I will be there no matter what she does I will be there no matter how repetitive it gets no matter how vicious the cycle becomes I'll be there every time and it makes me realize how amazing you guys are like the community that we have the audience that I have I don't know how I managed to get so lucky but most most of my audience is so kind and mature and I was really worried that I was going to build an audience full of girls that would be bitchy and you know like send me hate comments and give me negative feedback and stuff like that which I'm not gonna lie like I actually can't take criticism it's really bad for somebody who wants to be a fucking actress but you know I can't take criticism it makes me want to quit if somebody was like

yeah I like your podcast but I'd be like oh god don't carry on please don't carry on I'm very sensitive to criticism I always have been all my life do you know what I hate when people say you're sensitive I find calling somebody sensitive very toxic and it's really unfair to say that to someone so if somebody ever has told you you're very sensitive, please tell them, no, no, no, no. You don't get to decide what upsets me and whether it's valid or not. That's not your decision to make. And that's not me. That's not being sensitive. And if anything, being sensitive is a good thing. I'd rather be sensitive and empathetic than cold, nasty, and do you know what I mean? Anyway, that's so off topic.

Let's talk about the weekly debate, reading out some of your responses. We've got, yes, quite a lot, but it comes a point where I can't anymore and I have to distance myself. I'll try and explain that the grass is greener but still listen if she needs to talk about it um I'm in this situation right now yes but it's so draining I've run out of advice I get that I do get that it would be draining and you'd run out of advice you'd run out of you'll be fine like I'll drag you through it if you feel like you you want you're ready and strong enough to leave him like I'll do it with you like we'll be in this together. Don't worry, you're not alone. I'll support you all the way. And then they're like, yeah, yeah, I'm going to leave him. And

then they go back to him. It can be draining to keep supporting. But unfortunately, that is just what we do as friends. Our job is just to pick up the pieces every time. Do you know what I mean? Like our job is just to pick up the pieces every time. Do you know what I mean? Like for me, I've been in this situation before with my friend. And let me tell you, they know. They know that they're draining you. And they know that they sound like a broken record.

And they know they're a mug. They know. But it's so hard to walk away from somebody. Especially if the situation involves being with like a narcissist or a gaslighter or oh god I just really pronounced my t's on that and I never talk like that so sorry a gaslighter and you know like if there's emotional abuse involved like these situations are a lot more complicated than it looks from the outside like you have no idea how it feels to be with that person and keep going back to them because it's so like you you just have to be there every time that's just what friends do like for me when my friend was in that situation

she'd message me and be like he's a fucking prick like I hate him I'm leaving him I can't do this no more I deserve better and I go yes you do he's a prick we hate him we hate him and then she'll go oh he's apologized and he says he's going to change and he says that he's going to do this and and that means we're going to be happy and then as a friend you have to just go, okay, that's good. Well, let's hope he does. There is nothing more isolating than a friend that goes, no, he won't. You're a fucking idiot. You're a mug. Because deep down, you know that. And all you need is somebody just to go, okay, whatever you want to do. I know you love him. I know you want to believe him. And if he means what he says, amazing. I'm so happy for you. And if he doesn't, I'll be there again to slag him off next week. Do you know what

I mean? That is my opinion on how I would handle this situation and how I have handled it in the past. Because somebody else said as well, when you don't support them, it isolates them more. And that is what, for example example if it is like an emotional abusive relationship or narcissist or something like that they want to isolate you from everybody else so if you say to them you're an idiot like I can't support this anymore you isolate them more and make them more vulnerable to this sort of behavior so as a friend it is I I genuinely believe it's so important to just be there every time no matter how repetitive it is because eventually the cycle will come to an end you know what I mean it might take a couple of years but all you have to do is just be there

every time and if you're if you're a best mate to this person unfortunately that's just your role and you're in it together at the end of the day that's how I feel about him um um no somebody says no if she's your bestie she will know you can't lie to her and she will probably care still huh and she probably won't care still I don't really get that but the thing is you don't have to lie to them you don't really get that. But the thing is, you don't have to lie to them. You don't have to be like, oh yeah, he seems like a lovely guy. You can be like, look, Lauren, it's hard for me to watch because I know that this is really hurting you. And I worry that this cycle will never end. And this is just going to be your life now. This vicious cycle, you're going to constantly feel this pain. But I know right now you're not ready to walk away from him so I will be there for you every time and either you'll finally walk away one day and be strong enough to and I will drag you through it and I will be there for you or he is going to

change and things are going to be happy ever after and I hope that is the case for you but no matter what I'll be there so don't worry you can ring me at three in the morning if you want don't worry about it I'll be there tell me the same shit and then change your mind the next day if you want I don't mind I'm just your friend that's all I care about you don't have to lie to them you know you can be like look I get it I get it um don't worry because you don't want her to feel embarrassed to tell you the truth. Like if he did something, by the way, let's say I'm saying he because I'm imagining that this is a girl in a relationship of a man here. But women can be these abusive, narcissistic, gaslighting partners as well.

So, you know, I just want to make that point here. It could be anybody. I'm not just saying it's men. that point here it could be anybody I'm not just saying it's men um but yeah if as long as they know um you can tell me anything don't be embarrassed don't be ashamed somebody says always I'm guilty of doing this myself massively just have to be there to support them yeah um yes because I would want the same support if I were to do it exactly that is that is such a good point you've got to think like if that was me and I was stuck in a vicious cycle would I want my friend to make me feel worse about it give me a hard time make me feel even more isolated and even more alone no somebody's just put no and I think people are confused what I meant by would you support your bestie so that doesn't mean you support their decision and you think it's the right decision it means you will support them emotionally

um through whatever they're going through you know um somebody says yes I'm her friend I can only advise I'll continue to share my opinion but at the end of the day is her choice yeah i i really appreciate that somebody just says no just a straight no um 100 you still support them even if you don't agree with them they need you there so true oh here we go yes definitely she finally realized that he's bad for now but it was a long process it took a long time because i suppose she was blind to it because she was in love but all i could do was try and huh was try and try to get her to realize while supporting at the same time yeah the thing is I think you need to understand that they know like these people in the relationship they know they know that they're in a vicious

cycle because they they're crying all the time and they feel this pain and they don't want to be ringing up their best mate saying, can you come round, me and Ryan have split up again. They know and you don't actually need to tell them. You can just say to them, this must be really exhausting for you. But just so you know, you're not alone and I'll be there for you every time until it stops. One of my friends got into a toxic relationship and her best friend disowned her and said that she couldn't be there to watch it happen what the actual fuck girl needed her bestie oh my god that would be so heartbreaking if i was going through something and my friend

said i'm sorry i can't watch this i can't support it because it's like you don't actually care then what you can't stand there and watch it but you'll stand there and leave me to do deal with it alone surely that's worse yeah that's really hurtful um i think it's hard when you know they're making a shit decision but we've got to back each other up yeah it's hard at the end of the day people are always going to do what they want to do aren't they like if you said to lauren ryan is so bad for you you're crying every week you're breaking up at least once a, Ryan is so bad for you. You're crying every week. You're breaking up at least once a month. This is not good for you.

You need to leave. Is she going to leave? No. She knows all of this. She wants to, but she also wants him to just be nice to her and treat her well. And she wants a happy ever after. Somebody's put, no, know your worth, girl. See, that's sad because, you know, sometimes sometimes people it's not that they don't know

their worth it's just that they they want this fairy tale so bad so I think it's really easy to say that from an outside perspective it's like oh my god you're worth so much more like you're an absolute 10 out of 10 he's already punching above his weight and you're letting him make you feel like this day in day out so it's so easy from the outside to look at it and think that but as a friend I think it's so important to just be like look I am here for you this is your life I'm not going to tell you what to do because a you're not going to listen and b it's none of my business you say they deserve better but it's her mistake to make. Yeah, but then I also feel like that's a really hurtful way to put things.

Like, well, it's your mistake to make, honey. Like, I don't know. It's really hard, isn't it? Because it's so hard to not make somebody feel really alone in it. So, yeah, it's a very difficult one. I totally get the people people being like I haven't got the energy to do this all the time but um I think that's just one of the things of friendship that they can be really draining especially like with me it's like what you're going through I'm going through I get really emotionally invested in my friendships um might not always be a good thing but I can't

help it like that's just actually the friend I am and I think as long as you don't push them away support them however you can you don't have to be that fully intense ring me whatever time of the night I'll pick up you don't have to be like that if that's not that's not in you as long as you're like look you don't have to keep things from me I'll never judge you I'll support you the whole way you just let me know what's going on. You don't keep anything into yourself. I think you're doing enough just by saying you can tell me anything. So good job, girlies.

I think you're some really nice friends. Now, I also put up a poll saying how many, in quotation marks, proper friends would you say you have? And then I put in brackets, I mean where you can really trust them and know they love and care about you and I put four options option one was one or two option two was less than five option three was more than five and option four was none so the clear winner okay that was a lie it's not a clear winner it's a very close draw at number one um but the winner by about 40 votes so really not much was less than five and the second place

was one or two and then hundreds and hundreds behind was more than five and then more hundreds behind was none so by the sounds of it most of us have between one and four close best friends that we can really love and trust and rely on my answer to this is difficult because do you count your sister do you count your friends that you go to for different things? Because obviously I've got my friends that I can talk to about anything in the world. And then I've also got the friend that I can talk to, but there's certain things I just don't naturally go to her for. But I know she still loves me. So I'd say my answer is probably two or... I'm going to go two. two or I'm gonna go two I'm just gonna go two um yeah but put it this way you're getting married how many bridesmaids you have in

I'd say three because I'd have my sister and then my two friends and then maybe I'd have Miley my niece anyway I'm not getting married anytime soon so I don't know why that's a topic of conversation so um I had a lot of dms being like um I literally have one like I I have none um and I I'm absolutely gutted for the people that have said none and I hope that changes because I would have said none maybe two years ago and maybe a year ago I probably would have said none so just understand that that's always a temporary feeling so you're going to make friends or you might rekindle old friendships um you're not always just going to feel really alone and I hope you know that and I'm I'm sorry

that you feel like that right now but every all every single one of you have at least one. And that's me. Do you know what I mean? If you, like, for example, you need advice. You need someone to talk to about your boyfriend that's been horrible to you. You've got Leo on the line. That's one friend. Yeah.

I'll be a bridesmaid at all of your weddings. I'd love to be a bridesmaid. Somebody said, I have friends, but only when they want to go out I don't have any friends to do nothing with and who I truly trust the friends I did think I had used to be amazing until they broke my trust so I'll never allow myself to be their friend again I'd rather have no friends than a lot of fake friends so me and my friend was talking about this the other day how since we were let me tell you this So I was in, I'll tell you my history of friendships, okay, because it might help you get a bit more of a grasp. So I was in secondary school and I was in

a friendship group that was quite toxic and quite scary at times. So there was sort of like the leader of the friendship group that it was weird because I have such a laugh of her and I absolutely love her at the same time but I was also fucking petrified of her so let me know if any of you was in the situation where you like best friend was really scary at the same time um and I just always wanted to be on her good side and you know everybody was scared of her to the point where if she fell out with you everybody in the group fell out with you and I was in such a toxic nasty friendship group from as young as I really could be in friendship groups it's just my only experience in in friendships was quite toxic um and god it gives me anxiety talking about it now because

I used to skip school because I was so petrified so when when she'd fall out with me over god knows what it would have been anything um she would make life quite difficult for people in terms of you were alone at lunch and people would say things to you and you were sat on your own in class and you were on your own in PE and it was just an awful time for a teenage girl um so when she'd fall out with me I would make myself sick in the morning just to convince my mum that I was ill I used to hold cups of tea against my forehead to convince my mum I had a temperature. She'd be like, yeah, it's a bit hot in that one spot there. So it was really quite traumatic, to be honest, my experience in school. This girl who I'm talking about, let's just call her Molly. Okay, because I don't know a Molly so that works Molly who's the scary girl scary

best friend she I don't like using the word scary because she didn't like beat me up or anything but she did push me on the floor once that was pretty traumatic um but yeah so we were just all a bit frightened of her and she we had the biggest fallout because I spoke to another friend because I heard this is so bitchy right I heard she said that I had a nose like a coat hanger which granted I do but I didn't like that my best friend who I'd never had an issue with we'd never fallen out said that about me so I spoke to her and I was like why did you say that about me like I thought we was I thought we was best friends and then she cried and got really upset and I was like what god this is crazy I'm literally 25 this year telling this story of when I was 15 um and she cried and got really upset and then she told

Molly and then Molly came up to me in the playground and was like why did you make so and so cry and I was like I didn't make her cry like she said something really horrible about me and I asked why she said it because it really hurt me and then she like pushed me on the floor and her boyfriend at the time was the year above us he was year 11 and he was like really laughing at me and I started crying and then he was like dry your eyes mate so whenever I hear that song I get actual PTSD it was probably one of my worst memories as a teenager that day and then one of my friends Jess Jess is her actual name I'm gonna say that it's not a fake name I spoke about her in the episode with Jake and Fab actually it was literally like something out of a film where she's she comes up to me she's like let's go and she was the one friend that was not

scared of Molly like she did not she was not scared of her at all um I mean she probably was deep down but she was way she's just braver I think because her mum was always like don't ever let anyone bully you blah blah so I think she was probably just a bit braver she probably was shitting herself inside like the rest of us but she was like let's go and since that day I think we were in like year nine maybe it could have been year 10 but I think maybe year nine since that day we were like best friends inseparable and I enjoyed my life again where I wasn't in a friendship group it was just me and her and I was so I just felt so secure every day I had no worries going into school I had no feeling of like oh my god what if this happens because I felt like

I could cope with everything because I had my sidekick with me at all times it was like I can handle anything now because we're she's never gonna leave me like we've got each other through thick and thin so fear and chintzy are vibes to be honest um and then we did separate courses at college and our friendship fizzled out but we never had any negative feelings towards each other we always had this like deep down love it was like I love her like she saved me as a teenager and I felt like I owed her so much from just from being that friend that stuck by me when I had no one so I always had this like deep down love but we did completely different courses and then we went to uni I went to Cambridge

not Cambridge uni but I went to uni in Cambridge I think she went to Plymouth I always get confused but anyway she went to a uni far away from me and then we didn't speak for a couple of years but now we talk all the time. She knows everything about me. Like she knows all my problems. She's the person I go to for everything. And we were talking the other day about how when we've had friendships, we've always been like, but it's not like me and Jess though. And she'll be like, it's not like me and Leah.

Like what? Why can't I find that friendship again? friendship again and we realized that we like still fantasize about teenage friendships and the friendships that you have as a teenager where you spend every day talking and you see each other all the time and you're inseparable and you you spend all your time together and then we were like but we're adults now like you have a child I live in a whole nother city to you um and we were like why do we think that our friendships need to be really intense for them to be real and then we were like I know I could tell you anything and my biggest deepest darkest secret will stay with you and she was like yeah me too so we were like

that is a true friendship like you literally couldn't ask for more from a friend than what we've got so we were like we're luckier than a lot of people do you know what I mean a lot of people might be surrounded by 10 10 girls 10 girls that they go clubbing with every Saturday that I look at and go I don't have a girl group I don't have a girl group chat I don't have anyone to go out partying with but a lot of time a lot of the time these girls in these big friendship groups they can't even trust the people that they're surrounded by they all talk about each other and break each other's trust and sleep with each other's exes and like I just think I'm really lucky that I might not have that and I might not have the friendships where I can go out partying all the time but I've got my one friend who would do anything for me if

I needed her and vice versa so I think now this year I realized that is so much more important than anything else like yeah I might not have people to hang out with at the weekend but at the end of the day who's going to be there for you when you need someone you know and I was like I've got someone that's really going to be there for me and that to be honest that is so important to me that is more important to me I would love to make friends with people that I can go out and have a laugh with and that's definitely something I'm going to make an effort to do this year but I'm going to feel less shit about the fact that I don't have that because I do have one friendship that I can really fucking rely on and not just one I have another friend as well but

I just I'm saying this because we had this conversation um so yeah I think if you're somebody that's listening and you see everyone going out and you know the girls going for brunches and galentines and and you don't have that I just think do you have a sister that you can really trust and rely on or do you have a relationship with your mum where you can tell her anything or do you have a friend from when you were five that you probably only see once a year but you know she'll be there for you if you rung her up if you've got that one person I think use that to be like do you know what I'm lucky I'm richer than most because a lot of people you might be surrounded by loads of people but you

could still feel fucking lonely do you know what I mean um but anyway the point of this conversation was this girl whose whose dm I started reading and I've gone on a tangent about my own life shock um she said that the friends that she did think she had used to be amazing until they broke her trust this is exactly what I'm saying I think now it is that classic like quantity over no absolute opposite quality over quantity like I would rather have one or two friends that I know will be there for me and have got me through thick and thin um then 10 girls that I can't really trust and they're going oh my god she said this about you on Saturday night and like you got you open Instagram and they're all clubbing and no one

invited you and like you get that anxiety again so yeah to the girls listening that have struggled with friendships, I just think, you know, quality over quantity. And also, you're going to make friends as well. Like I, last year, I was really, really close with somebody, like best friends. And now we don't speak at all. And I don't even know why the friendship just completely got shut down. And I don't have a clue why but and I was gutted about it but then I thought now I look back this year and I think to be honest I spent so long feeling really shit about myself because this friendship didn't work

out um but I've got other things in my life that I feel really grateful for and other friends and other not just friends but family members and my relationship. Do you know what I mean? Like there's so many other things. So I've got so many DMs being like how to deal with a friendship breakup and how to deal with a friend cutting you off. And I just think, let it be. And if they're meant to be in your life, they'll be in your life later down the line when the time's right and whatever and they'll have an explanation and everything will work out but I think make sure you like I always say this but just make sure you like who you are and you're happy with who you are inside and out um prioritize being a good person that and a good friend to the people that do come into your life and everything will just slot into place and the people that are meant into your life and everything will just slot into place and the people that are meant to be in your life will be in there and just because they're not there now you might be really really lonely at the moment that's not going to stay like that forever and to the girls that are in a massive friendship group of 10 and you can all trust each other

and you don't all snake each other i fucking love that for you i absolutely love that and i would like to know where you found that please also how many of you are actually really close with your friends from school because I've had boys stay like best friends with their friends from when they were like five and girls it's so rare for that to happen like boys are like oh yeah we've known each other since we used to play under under sevens football and I'm like I've got one friend from when I was a kid. Do you know what I mean? The rest just don't sustain. But that's okay. All right, let's get into some dilemmas. That's a pretty good weekly debate. Sorry I made it all about me, as usual. Let's get into some dilemmas. Okay, this is a long one. Longh okay she says hey leah last year my best friend let's call her ellie

left her boyfriend we'll call him dan they've been together about four years and then about two weeks later she got a new one we can call him chris turns out ellie and chris had slept together the night that she left her ex and that's why she ended things with him. I found this out from a mutual friend who had receipts so I know it's true and Ellie is denying ever knowing Chris while she is still with Dan, while she was still with Dan. I had made it pretty clear to Ellie that I didn't want to meet Chris, at least not yet. She said this was okay and said I didn't have to meet him till I was ready because I'd been good friends with Dan for the past four years while they were together and of course she isn't aware of me knowing about her cheating. A few weeks ago Ellie invited me over so I went round. She didn't tell me until I was already in the house that Chris was there.

He was sat in the kitchen and that what and that's the room she took me to. I had to meet him, totally blindsided. About half an hour later I said I had to go and I haven't spoken to her since. She cheated on her boyfriend, lied to me about about it then made to become and meet her new boyfriend when I wasn't ready to what the hell do I do thanks love you Leah love you too okay I'm not gonna lie my first question is like okay I hope this doesn't offend you love you I love you so much please can we still be friends after I say this why are you so emotionally invested in her relationship is that that wrong for me to ask you that love you please don't fall out with me I still want to be your friend basically my thoughts are if that was my friend I'd be like you're fucking out of all dust shagging him when you were still still with him

and if she lied to me I'd go why are you lying for why aren't you lying to me I know I've seen the receipts mate why are you lying um and I'd get the truth out of her one way or another and if she didn't I'd be like why I would be really upset and I'd say to her it's really upsetting me that as your best friend you can't even tell me the truth like if anyone I'm the last person to judge you so it makes me think that maybe she knew you would judge her for it because you obviously are do you know what I mean which is fair you don't support cheating I'm glad you don't um but it sounds like she knew that you wouldn't support it so that's why she's lied to you and didn't tell you um and the new meeting I mean and the meeting her new boyfriend thing's interesting so I would like to know I get

I get you said you were friends with Dan for four years but it sounds to me like your loyalties lie with Dan more than what's her name we called her Ellie yeah it sounds like your loyalties lie with Dan more than Ellie um and if that's the case fine but. But yeah, interesting. I'm not really sure about this one because I feel like I wouldn't be as stubborn towards meeting her new boyfriend because I'd just be like, well, this is your new boyfriend. Do you know what I mean?

You're cheating on someone, you little bitch. Yeah, don't ever do that again. But yeah, I don't know. She obviously just really wanted her best friend and her boyfriend to meet so I appreciate she may have been talking to other people going oh I really want have we got have we got a fake name for you I don't think we have let's call you um let's call you Megan I really want Megan to meet um Chris I really want Megan and Chris to meet they're the two

most important people in my life. And maybe she's talking to her mum and her mum's gone, well, why don't you just get them together then? Maybe, I reckon, she'll be all right once she meets him. I reckon, just set it up, get them to meet. They'll be fine. She'll get over it. So maybe it was just really important to her that you did meet and she didn't really know how to go about it. And that was maybe some advice somebody gave her

maybe Chris was just like I really want to meet your friends like why don't you just bring her around she'll like me when she meets me I don't know maybe you're really important to her and that's why it was so important that you both met I think yeah she made a mistake but at the end of the day she's not with Dan anymore she doesn't't want to be, she's with Chris, that's what she wants, um, and yeah, it's not nice that she cheated on Dan, that was not a nice move at all, Ellie, yeah, but she did, at the end of the day, and if Dan cheated on Ellie, I'm sure his mates would probably support him as well, but, um, at the end end of the day you haven't spoken to her since so yeah you you just sound a bit like it's bothering you a bit much and I totally get it maybe your morals are really important to you I get that it sounds like they are which I love that about you

but definitely just have a conversation I think you need to sit down with her and be like look Ellie I really don't like that you cheated on Dan it makes me look at you different I didn't think you were that kind of person and secondly the fact that you lied to me not only does it make me see you differently as well because I didn't think you were a liar but secondly it makes me feel like you don't see me as a friend you can trust which you can you can tell me anything and the fact that you're lying to me is bothering me even more makes me want to meet chris even less because you're a bloody liar cheating little liar cheating lying little bitch um yeah i would chat to her to be honest with you hon just have a little chat do you know what i mean little look you made a shit choice in your life but why do you lie to me about it if anyone i'm the one

person that you should have come to as soon as it happened um and i did i do want to meet chris but don't appreciate you shoving us in the same room it pissed me off i'll actually do things on my own terms all right don't do that again and i think your friend your friendship will be fine if you want it to be um yeah have a little chat about let me know how that goes love you okay oh my fucking god this is a horrible one okay hey girly massive fan of your podcast keep up the fab work would really appreciate some advice on my dilemma okay thank you i'm here let's let's listen i have a small group of friends from school oh we've got a girl who actually has friends from school still but often feel like i'm not really valued oh but often feel like i'm not really valued as a member

of the friendship group we're in our late 20s and one of the girls will be getting married this year oh my god lush the other girls recently received save the dates via whatsapp but i didn't hear anything i was very upset when i found out the invites had been sent out but of course a wedding is often a very intimate and expensive occasion i think it's just hurtful as I seem to be the only one missed off the guest list and the other girls have also all received plus ones would be great to get your thoughts on the situation do I say something to the bride or just let it slide and assume she doesn't see me as a close enough friend when I wouldn't have thought twice about inviting her to my own wedding just to add I went to her engagement party last summer when she first got engaged and she's also

spoken to me directly about the venue and other wedding plans. It all seems very strange. Anyhow, it's much appreciated. What the fuck? I assume anyone that goes to the engagement party is going to the bloody wedding. Surely. Also, they're all invited and they can bring plus ones, but you can't go. No, something's going on there. She's annoyed. If that was me, I would go, Molly, have I pissed you off about something? I get it's your wedding, but I just thought we were friends. I wouldn't want nothing more than for you to go to my wedding. You might even be a bridesmaid. But I'm not invited and like, I'm gutted. I would love to watch you get married. I would love to be there for your

big special day. I'm absolutely devastated. Is there something I've done? Have I hurt you in any way? Have I annoyed you? Maybe she's jealous of you. Oh God, this is why I hate girls. Do you know what I mean? Oh, that's rude, mate. Like, your friends can bring plus ones. So she's happy to have strangers at her wedding, but not you. I don't know if I'd want plus ones at my wedding, to be honest. I don't want anyone at my wedding

that I've never seen before, or I've never had a conversation with, at least. Oh, you can bring your partner, I suppose. Anyway, not about me. Back to you, sorry. I would be, I think you have every right to be confused and upset by that. I think you have every right to be confused and upset by that I think you have every

right to be like huh you went to her engagement party but you're not going to the wedding that's a bit strange very strange to me what would you girls do right yeah good advice I'm not sure how I'm expecting to hear your reply yeah what the fuck I would definitely say something I'd be like look I'm not trying to cause any drama I know it's your wedding I never want to add stress I'm sure wedding planning stressful enough I just want to ask have I done something is there a reason I'm not coming to your wedding I would I would love to be there I'm gutted that I'm not invited maybe it was a little was my invite lost in the post situation do you know what I mean I'm sure it's on its way hi Molly I'm sure I'm sure that my invite's on on the way I just wanted

to double check but um you know I I think you should probably chase up your courier service because I think they failed to deliver mine um yeah just just letting you know just letting you know that whoever you paid didn't didn't deliver all the invitations so you know it might not just be me there could be other people missing an invite so I'll just chase that up if I were you even though it was on whatsapp actually oh I'm maybe my signal's playing up a little bit Molly I just didn't get that message that all the girls got could be my phone though. Just wanted to let you know if you could just send that again. Thank you. Oh God. Fuming. That's really hurtful to be

honest. Because this is, this is why I think something's pissed her off because she's not an idiot. Like she knows that you're going to be like, what the fuck? I haven't got an invite to the wedding and you all have. She knows that you're going to be like, the fuck i haven't got an invite to the wedding and you all have she knows that you're gonna be like huh she knows that she's not stupid so she's doing it to make a point i think look at me just assuming she's being a bitch this is why i don't have any friends no but if you're in a big friendship group you said oh you have a small group of friends from school um and you're they're all invited apart from you and she knows that you're gonna know about that and you're gonna be like oh brilliant thank you thanks molly for that she knows you're gonna be like what's that one about then i thought we were i thought we were pals so that's what makes me think that she's annoyed

because why would she do that otherwise yeah what the hell um definitely say something to her but come at it from an angle of like I know wedding planning is really stressful I don't want to put any more pressure on you it's just bothering me and and I really am upset about it and I'd love to have a conversation with you maybe we can meet up for a coffee you can just let me know um if it is just as simple as you you don't think we're close enough for me to be at the wedding that's fine please just be honest with me I don't want to overthink the situation more than I already am thank you Molly you fucking bitch for not inviting me to your fucking wedding

hope he runs away at the altar hope he gets cold feet you bitch all right I've had two dilemmas that say pretty much the same thing. So I'm just going to read this one. Hayley, I absolutely love the podcast, Smashing Life. Oh my God, thanks, Shannon. It cracks me up when people say I'm smashing life because I'm literally just in the most pathetic position in my life. You guys know I'm unemployed and shit.

And everyone's like, well, congrats, you're absolutely smashing it. I'm like, I'm literally sat in my boyfriend's office in our flat right now, surrounded by mess, recording this podcast. And everyone's like, well, girl, you are killing it. Anyway, back to you. So I have a friend who since getting a boyfriend has just absolutely abandoned me as a friend. I noticed if I didn't message her first, I'd never hear from her. Or if I didn't ask her to make plans, I'd never see her. Since not messaging first, I've not spoken to her in around three weeks I've brought it up to her previously and she just said she's got a lot going on at this point I'm over the friendship and don't have the energy for it am I best just leaving it as it is and just not speaking or making the effort or

should I just message her telling her I'm done and I don't have the energy or time for it anymore I literally have basically no friends at this point but I'm honestly so okay with it thank you for reading if you do love you lots love you too so much um here's my thing I don't I've done this in the past messaging me like you obviously don't fucking care about me okay so shove your fucking fridge up your fucking ass yeah leave me alone stop stop just doing this to me all the time. I've done it. And you regret it down the line because you end up with nobody

and you end up very lonely. And you cut people off out of feeling hurt and you end up with nobody. And you said, I have no friends at this point, but I'm honestly so okay with it. You might be okay with it now, but when you need friends, something might happen

where you go through something difficult and you're gonna need friends. You might not be so okay with it now but when you need friends something might happen where you go through something difficult and you're going to need friends um you might not be so okay with it then so my advice to you is do not say that do not say i don't have the time for this anymore fuck you like no i think um you should message her if you genuinely do value her friendship before she got this boyfriend and you you do you know swallow your pride a little bit is she a good laugh is she actually a pretty good friend when she before she got this boyfriend I think salvage the friendship to be honest friendships are so important and valuable if you've got a good one so go out for a coffee do you know what I mean you know if you can pull away from a boyfriend for five minutes be like hey um there's a lot on my mind recently i really want to talk to you

can we go for a coffee or just grab some lunch or just go for a little walk um i just really want to let you know how i'm feeling and just checking on you because you never know you never know what's going on under the surface could have been like that first dilemma she could be in a really toxic relationship where he's isolating her from her friends look at me blaming the man again but what I'm saying is you never know and I've been in the situation and I was only thinking about myself and I was feeling rejected and neglected and I was pissed off and I only thought about how it was impacting me um and I had a lot of regret looking down the line I was like why did I handle that like such a child so definitely don't do what I did and don't just cut people off all the time because you'll just end up really lonely in your life um allow

people to make mistakes and get the priorities wrong every now and then allow it allow people to just just go through things in life and make bad decisions and fuck up their friendships for five minutes but you know people are human at the end of the day that's one thing that jake taught me because i'd cut people off at instant if i see that somebody's gonna even slightly neglect me or hurt me or insult me or make me feel shit i'm like that cut snip snip bye and then jake's, you have to allow people to go through their own shit and put people before you for a minute

because that's something that they're going through. You can't be the center of everyone's world. I was like, what? What do you mean I can't? Yes, I can. But he made a good point. Jake actually sat me down and was like, you're just gonna end up really sad and lonely if you're not careful and he was right to be honest he was brutal but he was

right and I made a lot of different decisions since that conversation so I'm glad he said that to me very mature very wise from Jake um yeah so one thing I've learned girl is if you've cut somebody off because of something they've done allow people to make mistakes allow people to make bad decisions and hurt you sometimes obviously don't allow someone to like go and sleep with your boyfriend that's absolutely like no goes there's no going back with that sort of hurt but if it's just something like this where they're just putting their boyfriend in front of you and making it difficult to to see you and and they're not hanging out with you as much that you know that's a salvageable issue let's face it girls sometimes when the relationship's new and stuff you get obsessed don't you you just want to spend all

your time with them some girls are just like that i've been like that you just you're obsessed with them you want to be around them all the time i love being around him all i want to do is be with him him him him him him and i get it but you know friendships are so important friends will be there for you no matter what so hopefully good ones anyway um yeah I hope you can salvage that love you all right last dilemma these problems also similar which honestly it just reminds me of like toxic friendships they're so draining aren't they they're so upsetting as well. Okay. I've recently moved away to uni, three hours from home, and two of my best friends are still at home because they're taking a gap year. I'm not at home very often, so I have less time to them.

I've asked them to come... I think you mean less time to see them? I've asked them to come up to see me multiple times, but they don't seem very interested because it's far, which is fair enough. However, in the summer, my friend drove six hours to visit her friend but she's not willing to make a three-hour journey to see me when i'd appreciate being around her and my other friend recently one of my best friends said it sounds like you don't really want to meet me anyway because i had a job interview which meant i wasn't free i'm not going to lie this just threw me off a little bit because i feel like she's huh because i feel like he's not making oh he do you mean she I feel like they're not making the effort to come up to see me am I right to be a little bit hurt

yeah of course you are um one thing I will tell you is going to uni you will you know you will have those friendships that fizzle out so like I said earlier my friend we didn't see each other the whole three years I think that we both went to uni and now we're really close again so I think it's natural that friendships will fizzle out and some of them will just fully drop off to be honest and never come back um but they will also fizzle out um you were also at an age when we go to uni where assuming you're like in your first year or whatever where um we're not really sure what the fuck we're doing do you know what i mean um and it's sad i i do feel like your friend has some sort of feeling towards you that they haven't expressed like

to be like doesn't sound you want to see me anyway like shut up what do you mean just fuck off that digs like that just just tell me how you fucking feel do you mean hate that shit well obviously doesn't fucking sound you want to fucking see me anyway shut up like just just tell me how you really feel like why do you have to make those digs um yeah i think just be like hey girls um i really miss you do you want to like do something maybe we could book a weekend away like in the middle somewhere um and you know you could say how come you went to see your other friend that's six hours away but you said that I'm too far away and I'm three hours away um and if they if they just give you shit let the friendshipizzle, and if it's meant to be, it will come back, um, or they might be like, oh no, sorry, like, let's, let's do something in, in April, how about that, have a, have a proper conversation, like, at the end of the day,

I think you need to just not be scared to, um, tell people how you feel, like, I would just be like, look, I don't want any digs, I I don't want an argument I just want to know how come you guys don't want to see me because I would come and see you if the shoe was on the other foot I would love to come up and stay with you and see where you're living and meet your uni friends and your flatmates and you know is there a reason you don't want to do that for me um do you want to meet in the middle maybe I really love being friends with you I really don't want to lose our friendship um love you please don't break up with me but also like I said a lot of friendships will fizzle and you know this part is how the cookie crumbles when you move away like you get to that age you all grew up in the same town you went to the same

schools and then all of a sudden everyone turns 18 and you all leave to different cities you know and you start going where are you going to uni bristol where are you going london okay cool i'll come to your uni you come to mine yeah you you gotta come up and stay yeah i will you're gonna yeah i'll come up and stay with you as well no you won't and you don't they might come up and stay at uni but then there's the other friends where it's all a big fucking fantasy yeah i'll come up and stay and meet all your flatmates oh no you won't know deep down you know they won't as well anyway I just think don't worry about it have a good time at uni you know have a conversation with those girls and if they really don't want to come up and see you then that's okay you've got other friends at uni focus on your degree you'll be okay like don't don't fall out with them like if you just end up

meeting up with them every time you go home that's just you know do that do you mean just don't deep it too much have the best time uni is about you know just having fun and to be honest prioritize on your mental health because uni is fucking difficult especially when you get to third year all right good luck i love you okay bitches that is the end of this week's episode was it a bit longer i don't really know how long i've been rolling for i hope it was long enough for you there is a bonus episode coming on friday who's excited me me me i'm so excited i literally can't wait oh my god I'm so excited girls it's the same um let me know what other bonus episodes you want to get from me I might do like a Q&A one one week or is that boring look at me making it all about me again everything's all about me in it I'm so annoying that's why I have no friends because everything's about me

anyway um yeah let me know any ideas for bonus episodes any guests that you'd want to get on eventually that is something that I do want to do what areas of this podcast that you really like what you find a bit boring again i'm very sensitive to criticism so try and try and be sensitive okay um and yeah let's just make this podcast amazing every week i love you so much you are the highlight of my life and i will see you on friday for a new bonus episode hope you all had the best valentines um if you're single who gives a fuck yeah you live your best life if you're going for a breakup um you've always got me all right i love you so much see you next week for a new episode i love you Bye.