Leah on the Line - 86: Learning to say NO to plans & why does it bother me that my ex has moved on?!

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

Hey babes! Welcome back to another episode of Leah on the Line. Thank you so much for all of your love and support on the podcast, it honestly means the world to me. I hope you love this one!Head to leahontheline.com to send in your dilemmas and confessions. Love you! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, hi everyone, welcome back to a brand new episode of Lear on the Line. Happy Tuesday everybody. How are you? Oh, let me tell you about my night. Obviously you're all dying to know. You're all dying to know. So as you guys might remember last week I said that I was going to an event right and I don't really often go to them because I get scared and I feel awkward. So anyway this time I went with Summer who I knew from school haven't seen her we figured out like 13 or 14 years so anyway we went and I had the fucking best night ever best night out that I've had in a long time like it was just good vibes guys I made so many friends you remember what I was saying to you like I want to go because I'm like I need to make some friends I'm always

encouraging you guys put yourself out there like, I need to make some friends. I'm always encouraging you guys. Put yourself out there. Step out your comfort zone. Make some friends. I made friends. And honestly, it's such a saddo. I made some friends. You know that sound on TikTok where it's like, oh, what did she say? Oh, I don't even remember. But anyway, I made some friends. I made friends. They were so nice. I literally just had fun and I didn't feel stressed. I just had a really fucking good time and now I feel like a new woman I feel like a new I've got my mojo back I don't feel like this shy little loser that hides away in Somerset I feel yeah I can do the double life Hannah Montana like I can be Malice Stewart back Beg Helm in the countryside and then I can get all glammed up

and go up to London be Hannah Montana darling do you know what I mean had the best time and also I met this amazing girl who came over to me and she's like I listened to the podcast honestly we bonded like you'd never imagine we just we bonded okay we had this connection I was like wow we've met in a previous life like she was a girl that you know when you just meet someone you think yeah I like ya I like ya and also one of my favorite people that I met that night is Georgia right she's on TikTok I can't I can't even tell you her last name to be honest that's how so much of a fan I am honestly I love her she she does the TikToks you guys know the video where she's like she's on the phone to hotel reception bonjour do you speak english oh brilliant her i spotted her a mile off

i thought yep i'm gonna go and talk to her because she i just know she's vibe and like i just went over to her and i was like listen i'm obsessed with you she must have thought what a freaking freak i was like i'm obsessed with you anyway she was have thought, what a fucking freak. I was like, I'm obsessed with you. Anyway, she was so lovely. I just met really, really nice people that night, guys. And yeah, I'm feeling good. So if this isn't your sign, what? That doesn't really make much sense. Basically, this is your sign. If you get offered to, if you get invited somewhere, you get invited to a party, you get invited to an event, you get, I don't know, you get offered to if you get invited somewhere you get invited to a party you get invited to an event you get i don't know you get invited to a work night out or whatever you don't

normally go to these things whatever it is you don't normally go this is your sign just give it a shot and try it if deep down you want to if someone if you're someone that's just like it ain't for me and that's that 100 you fucking do you babe sure i mean as you should put your foot down don't do things out of peer pressure but if you are someone that is a bit like oh i want to like deep down i want to but i'm just i'm not confident enough blah blah this is your sign to just go for it and what's the worst that could happen the worst that could happen is that you get there feel a little bit awkward and then you leave you know so yeah i only had such a good time but this is how much i love you guys and the podcast because i had tickets for michael mcintyre tonight and i haven't gone because i had to come back to

some sex i got a podcast to record yep so i wasn't gonna miss a pod sorry michael i love you but the pods gotta come first the girlies and boys they gotta come first you know so here i am i hope you guys all had an amazing week though an amazing weekend i also haven't listen to me i've got another event this week guys do you know what i'm going to it it's a married at first sight event i'm really fucking excited because i don't know if you guys can tell i'm a married at first like super fan super fan so yeah i'm really looking forward to it i'm hoping i can go it's all it's all got to be finalized yet but it's looking like i will be going so i'm really looking forward to that but just feeling like a crazy girl at the moment you know what someone's

just come over me and i've something's just happened to me and i'm like fuck it just fuck it i'll just say yeah before i even think about how scary it might be i'll just say yeah i'll be yeah mate leo do you want to fancy this yeah all right and then listen don't get me wrong the day before I might be thinking what the hell have I agreed to this for but when I get there I'll be glad I did you know so yeah this is just fine but anyway happy Tuesday everybody I hope you're all feeling really really good we have a lovely episode today just the usual Tuesday just the usual choose I we have some dilemma updates some good ones as well one of them I've been waiting for waiting for an update you guys you remember the girl who found a hairband on the bedside table we've got an update

and another one so stay tuned we've got the dilemmas we've got the weekly debate so yeah thank you guys so much for tuning in today love you so excited to have you here with me so excited to be with you and let's get straight into the episode thank you so much for listening to leah on the line head to leahontheline.com to send in your dilemmas and confessions remember to follow on socials to see visual clips and get involved with the weekly debates. Enjoy the episode. Love you. Okay, you guys. Oh, wait, before. Who's watched the new Kardashians? Because what? That phone call with Kim and Kourtney. Kim chose violence. I'm sorry. Listen, i'm not gonna lie i did always think fucking hell courtney relax all right relax it's all getting a bit emotional up in here but when i listened to that phone call i was a bit like jesus christ kim i can't defend this one i can't defend you

here like courtney you handled yourself well i'm sure they're tuning in court court i'm sure they're tuning in. Court, court, I'm sure. What, listen, when Kim, when Kim brought out the big guns and she said, we have a group chat labeled not Courtney. I thought, oof, that makes you look like more of a dick to be honest than anybody else. I think you look sillier than Courtney right now. And then she said yeah even

your friends the friends you speak to every day come and talk to me about you I thought oh that's blow number two blow number two and then she brought out the big big big guns unnecessary in my opinion she said even your kids come and speak to me about the way you i thought oh kim kim it's low from you it's low and that sent courtney over the edge she got upset as as anybody would it was and she called her a witch i thought oh why does that sound like it would really hurt someone called me a witch i'm like ouch she's like i fucking hate you i was like oh my god these people need some like they need to sit down with like a counselor get some family counseling because it's all love up in here do you know what i mean but it happens family feuds it happens

don't it but being in being let in i was like i've got a front row seat to Kardashian family drama. And boy, was it dramatic. What did you guys think of that? Who's team court? Who's team Kim? Personally, we probably shouldn't be taking sides being on teams because do we even know these people? people, no, do they know us? Most certainly not. But God, I thought, Kim, Kim, let's reign it in a little bit. We're going a little bit far. We're going a little bit far. But honestly, it was really good. Can't wait for episode two, to be honest. Okay. Weekly debate. We've done a similar question, but I'm delving a little bit deeper today because somebody sent me this as a request for a weekly debate. And I thought, let's do it again because I feel like it's been ages since we did it and we'll delve a little bit deeper this time okay. So I've got some extra questions following all right.

Weekly debate. How do you feel about going through a partner's phone and vice versa? All right okay. So I'll kick it off with the thing i said last time which is this is my personal opinion right you're either you're gonna go through the phone and see all the awful things you might have been suspicious of and that hurts and you know then we're in a situation we've got to deal with or we're gonna go through the phone and we're gonna see nothing and you're just gonna think they deleted it and you're not actually gonna feel any better now we've got to deal with. Or we're going to go through the phone and we're going to see nothing. And you're just going to think they deleted it. And you're not actually going to feel any better. Now we've just got a little bit of a bad habit that can easily become addictive because you're like, well, I'm going to catch the time they haven't deleted it. You know, or I'm just going to keep checking and make sure that nothing changes. You know, that's my personal opinion.

But I've done it and I can totally get why sometimes something just creeps up into your earlobe into your lobe whatever and it's like you should probably have a look at that phone you should probably have a look at that phone you know it's like oh god god what who is this okay fine you know and it's sickening when when you get the feeling guys to anyone that's done it and listen i ain't proud of it all right but to anyone that's done it how awful was that fucking feeling while you're doing it whilst you're doing it how bad is that feeling it's an awful feeling your heart is pounding like your chest you're shaking you're gonna throw up on the screen you're like oh my god please don't wake up or please don't walk in the room or

please don't be cheating on me. Honestly, the feeling is, it's hell in there. It's hell. And listen, I remember last time we spoke about this, a lot of you guys said that it became addictive, which I can imagine. Luckily, I've never been struck by that. And it's not something I've ever made a habit of. I think I've done it twice in my lifetime of relationships. And yeah, that's all I'll say on that matter. But yeah, it's a horrible feeling, even while you're doing it. And even after, you just want to cry after. Even when you find nothing, you just want to cry because it was so overwhelming. Just putting yourself through it was overwhelming. Do you know what I mean? But let's have a look what you guys are saying, right? How do we feel about it? Okay.

Okay. If you have a suspicion about something, yes, put your mind to ease, but not regularly, about something? Yes. Put your mind at ease, but not regularly. No. See, this is the thing. Does it put your mind at ease? Because for me, I just think we fucking deleted it. You little rat. You slimy little fucker. Like, I don't think, oh, my little angel, my little angel. I think, oh, we ain't going to be there, is it? If you are up to no good, ain't going to be there. there is it if you are up to no good i'm gonna be there well sometimes it is well yeah carry on i don't like it even though i have nothing to hide we use each other's phones when we need to yeah that's an interesting one i should have put that up as well do you have your partner's password i'm gonna whack it up now and then it will be there by the end of the discussion of of the discussion of the

questions that are coming up before. Okay, BRB. Okay, the poll is up. We'll get back to that one. All right. Okay, carrying on. What do you guys think? If you do, you don't trust them. I mean, to be fair, it's a valid point. You know, if you trust them, what are we looking for, really? But yeah, that's what I I'm saying like sometimes you can be in the most normal relationship you've got no worries you've got no signs and signals pointing to cheating but something just tells you like just have a look and does that mean you don't trust them I guess I don't know um if you're aware of each other doing it it's fine not if it's behind the other's back my partner got cheated on Not if it's behind the other's back.

My partner got cheated on. So if he's feeling worried or having intrusive thoughts, he'll ask. And that's okay with me because I understand and have nothing to hide. And he would let me go through his. See, that to me, I love that. That is complete transparency. It is understanding of each other's past trauma, past experiences, you know, and to communicate that with each other it's actually really healthy and really nice for him to say like look i'm having intrusive thoughts this is just going to make me feel a little bit better i feel like as long as it doesn't become too frequent and get a little bit out of hand there is actually no harm in that like if jamie said to me i've been cheated on in the past sorry i felt that hiccup coming if i if jamie said to me i've been cheated

on in the past i'm getting intrusive thoughts like something's just telling me to look at your phone i'll say have a look darling have a look and then after that i go don't make a fucking habit of it right um sometimes you just need to have a little peep yeah i think it creates more problems than it solves it can be very addicting and toxic yeah this is what i'm saying i don't even think about going through my boyfriend's phone i trust him 100 i don't feel the need to but as a one-off i see no harm not good if it comes obsessive though i agree i have no problem looking for his phone but I'd be pissed off if you wanted mine. Facts, yeah. I've done it once. I was feeling insecure, but I felt so bad that I broke down and told him. Oh, that's so funny. Okay. I think this is a big, big red flag. When you fully trust

someone, you do not feel the need to do it. Odd behavior. If I wanted to see something, I would ask. Yeah, I feel like communicating, like, can I go through your phone, is a whole different story to, they're in the shower, let me have a little sneak peek. You know, let me have a little snoop. If you're going through the phone, there's something majorly wrong. I did it because I felt insecure and felt bad vibes, and I was right. It's a bit uncomfortable, but if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to worry about. Yeah. That's the thing. Like if, if my boyfriend asked to see my phone, I'm not worried. I'd be like, have a fucking field day, babe. You know, knock yourself out. But at the same time,

something would bother me about it. I'm not going to lie lie like the odd one or two times i'm like yeah whatever like scroll away but if it was like a frequent thing i'm not gonna lie something about it i'd be a bit like oh fuck's sake do you know what i mean is that bad to admit no i don't think so i don't think so um i'm okay with that i have nothing to hide the real break of trust is if you find something oh yeah of course and if somebody asked to go through your phone and you were like no because i have experience whereas i can i look for your phone or like show me the messages then you know when you're like they've got something that you're suspicious about you you confront it and then oh no no no no you know

like we had a dilemma about the guy messaging his ex about the pets right you should be able to say let me see these messages then and if they're like nah fucking hell that's crazy that's fucking crazy why are you going through my shit for what are you going through my shit for show me your fucking phone mate especially now do you know what i mean what why should to be fair i know a lot of people believe that your phone is very personal to you and i do agree in a lot of ways like there's conversations i have with my mom my my sister my friend like whoever it is that you might not be allowed to see darling because it could be their personal life it could be personal gossip it could I could be bitching about you when you piss me off and that's not for your eyes so I do get that it's like that's my personal belongings like that is just the one thing

that I want to be mine but at the same time it's like you should have no problem with your boyfriend or girlfriend looking at your social media dms or whatever or your whatsapp even like just who you're chatting to or whatever realistically it shouldn't be a problem it shouldn't be a secret and that it doesn't really shouldn't really even be private about who you're talking to at least you know like i'm happy for my boyfriend to know exactly who i'm talking to not because i'm like i'm not cheating on you i'm not cheating on you in a way of just like well what's the fucking secret what's the big secret you know so it's a weird one it is a weird one um i've done it in the past um They shouldn't be giving you a reason to. That's an interesting thought.

It's like, does, is it coming from insecurities, past trauma, or is it coming from them? You know, I'd sneakily done this with my current partner, but I know he'd be upset if he knew. with my current partner but I know he'd be upset if he knew see would you be upset if your partner had said to you I've been through your phone if your partner had said to you can I go through your phone how would you feel let alone if they said I've been through your phone by the way I need to confess I went through your phone I think I'd feel a little bit violated the fact that you did it behind my back I think there's a weird feeling of violation like if you said to me I want to go through your phone that is different to saying when you was downstairs earlier or whatever I did have a look through your phone I'd feel a bit like mugged off like I don't know it's

a weird one okay so that brings me on to the next question, which is, have you ever gone through a partner's phone? Okay. 68% of people are saying yeah, which is high. We're talking 70%. 70%, basically, you know. Oh, what the fuck? It's literally just changed to 69%. Okay. 69% are saying yes, I have. 39% are saying yes, I have. And 31% are saying no. And then I also said, what did you find? If nothing, did you feel better? Okay. Let's have a little look. Messages to a girl he met at uni, very flirty. I always found something, but my current boyfriend, I trust he's never secretive, so I don't look. See, there we go. This is a girl who has a reason in her new relationships to want to look because of her experiences in past relationships where she's fucking been cheated on but she's going into a new relationship not needing to look because of how her now boyfriend is making her feel you know muted messages from his ex

asking if he could go around that weekend safe to say i walked away good for you with my ex i went through it when i had a gut feeling and i was always right i have with an ex it made me feel worse because i presumed he deleted everything you see see what i'm saying and then you're just spiraling in your mind naked pictures of another girl which he saved on snapchat stupid boy what yeah stupid boy what the hell i found a folder of girls nudes oh my god that makes my fucking skin crawl i've always found nothing and it's always made me feel better okay there we go cheating and a lot of porn oh fucking hell what the hell he was messaging prostitutes says it was like watching porn to him i trusted him oh that is an interesting one not sure where i stand on that i mean yeah okay nothing makes me feel better as he thought he was bitching about me to his mum what as oh as i thought he was

bitching about me to his mum oh jesus christ him being replying to girls insta stories it made me feel not crazy and i was just feeling justified not the insta story replies literally oh my god i found explicit pictures of women including my own cousin what the fuck oh my gosh okay oh listen i literally won't ever do it again i like being able to eat no honestly that feeling when when you're that anxious and that shaking up the thought of putting food down your esophagus is like the worst thing in the world text to another girl text messages with other girls not very nice messages about me see this is the thing right once when I did it I searched my name in messages don't do it honestly don't do it cheat in date insights gambling and debt oh gosh three months worth of messages I love views and

videos of them fucking straight out of that no not the fucking video footage. What the heck, man? If you go looking, you find, somebody says. Do you think? See, that's not true. Because you could go looking through my phone and you won't find, you know. Oh, I got my feelings hurt. Yeah, that's the thing. His ex saying, thanks for the laugh and cheering me up today.

Oh, I'd be sick. i'd be sick i'd be sick honestly okay my husband is so open with his phone i know his password and i trust him 100 my ex was the opposite and i knew he was hiding something it turns out he was cheating there's definitely a link between being shady with the phone and hiding something honestly remember the girl whose boyfriend slept with his fucking phone in his joggers you remember that guys seriously in the notes section a confession of love for his best friend i had a suspicion and it was right not the notes app honestly imagine you went through their notes and it was like a it was like a um draft text of breaking up with you that he just bottled and

didn't send i just like to leah i'm so sorry that i'm having to send this message i'm honestly writing it breaks my heart but i don't think i can do this anymore and you read it and it's like that was a fucking month ago you never fucking sent that could you imagine oh begotten well at least they chose not to send it i suppose i found a search history of best of best only fans girls oh best only fans girls i mean it's not funny it's not funny it's just fucking weird okay um both fuming when i found something and then more at ease when i didn't found out he was cheating found exactly what i was looking for babes someone said oh no yes and he had told his friend she was naughty and i'll actually vomit and needed her ass

slapping no i'm not being funny imagine a bloke messaged you and he's like you need your ass slapping we you need your ass slapping yeah i'll be like no me immediately definitely absolutely not from you what a weird thing to say you need your ass slapping okay i found messages of him planning to meet up and fuck another girl. Oh, you pig. Explicit Snapchats to someone he worked with. Ugh. Gross.

The lad's group chats. Dot, dot, dot. Terrifying. Seriously, you have no clue what is going on in those group chats. Because it's not pretty it's not pretty i found loads somebody said oh i found his i found him texting his girl bestie let's shag honestly where is the game he was messaging and would call what and would answer calls from his ex it hurt big time oh no that would be awful. I've never

even thought about that. Imagine seeing like a cool history. I've never even checked a cool history. Add that one to the list. Joking I don't do it. All right. Oh that's awful. Oh god he was cheating with his cousin yes bitch you heard me right his cousin oh dear okay girl i did it once to ease my mind didn't find anything but now i can't stop doing it this is the thing guys didn't find anything he was really upset and we ended up arguing about it okay well at least at least you didn't find anything he'll get over it um i didn't find anything felt so relieved him and my ex-best friend arranging to sleep together are you fucking for real honestly some people are wild like it's actually crazy crazy. Um, including, oh, okay. I found out he had a hidden folder of all the girls he's been with nudes, including a recent one of his ex half naked on social media. Oh my God. Not the screenshot. Yuck. Okay. My next question was, has a partner ever been through your phone? How did that make you feel?

Did you find, did they find anything? Okay. So has a partner ever been through your phone? This is interesting guys. So we have to take into account that a majority of Leo on the line listeners are female. Okay. Shout out to the boys though. Don't worry. We see you. We love you. is though don't worry we see you we love you but the majority is female okay so 69 percent have been through a partner's phone and only 40 percent have had a partner go through your phone isn't that interesting 60 percent are saying no I've never had a partner go through my phone but to be fair that's as far as we know I to be fair, that's as far as we know, I guess, isn't it? That's as far as we're aware. Let's have a look. So yeah, I said, how did that make you feel? And did they find anything? So let's have a look.

I found it disrespectful. My partner does this regularly and it bothers me so much. Oh, not regularly. Seriously? Nope. I feel like everything comes to light eventually and honestly ignorance is bliss oh okay i'm thinking maybe she meant to put that in the last one um invasion of space nothing just me going on a polls which i oh voting on polls which i wasn't allowed to do lol oh wow okay what the fuck my ex used to demand to see my phone in front of me never found anything it was awful oh not the demand let me see your phone give me that phone uh relax no it made me feel like they didn't trust me but if they feel the need to then go ahead I it felt invasive as my ex went through

mine in my sleep yeah this this what i was trying to say earlier like there's something about it that just seems so violating like that's my fucking it's the facts that i'm away around the house or whatever asleep not having a clue and you're up to that you know um it's not nice but he found nothing if it made him feel better that's fine yeah yeah yeah yeah if you have nothing to hide i don't see a problem with it it made me feel shit because he's always been the one to break trust never ever me yeah but that's always the way isn't it babe do you know what i mean um i have the flow period tracker app and it looks like tinder oh they need to change that he's like what the fuck is that you're like um well basically i like to track my flow

current boyfriend found text from before i was with him and he felt so stupid never again see this is the thing right if you're not careful you will you will look for something you know you could be scrolling through a partner's phone and you got nothing you're like what the fuck they're actually loyal oh okay this is interesting well i was looking for a feeling right so let me go and look back four years and look how we used to talk to other girls before me and then you feel sick but you can't actually say anything there's nothing wrong with that you know anyone else ever done that was i was a lot younger to be fair i was about i don't know how young i was at that time but listen people have done it we've been there where you're just looking for something you're dig in and then before you know it you're in a deep dark hole of 2015

all right all right let's carry on um someone says i have no idea i always wonder though yeah this is the thing we don't really know how many people have been through our phone we don't really know because if they found nothing they ain't gonna mention it realistically unless it was like the person who answered the last one saying like the guilt ate you alive and you had to say something if they found nothing and they didn't want to mention it they didn't feel guilty you never know um he found a pic of my gay guy friend who sent me a pic of his bum he wasn't happy that's hilarious i love it not that i know of yeah this is a thing they found my girl's group chat that is way worse yeah you know never anything to find but he'd go

through internet history and call me shallow for googling kim k i'm sorry i'm interested in the Kardashian lifestyle. Would you rather I'm Googling Kim Kardashian or messaging boys? Count yourself lucky, hun. Right. Anyway, so then I have the poll up, guys. Do you and your partner share your phone passwords? Okay, let's have a look. What do you guys think the answer is? I think it's high high i think it's very normal and common to share phone passwords because whether it's like can you check what that message says can you change the music can you do this can you text this person blah blah blah can you take a picky although to be fair you can access the camera without password but whatever 74% yeah and only 26% don't know their partner's password I I don't I haven't known all my partner's passwords but me and Jamie are very translucent with our with our phones like I have

my face ID on his phone he has his face ID on mine and that's just the way I think it should be for us for me it works for us but like it'd be well annoying like if I needed his phone or if he needed my phone and I've got to put my fucking password in or put he's got to put it on my face you know so yeah that's interesting guys long weekly debate today very long weekly debate sorry if it was a little bit too long but when somebody sent it in I thought even though we've done it I kind of want to delve a little bit deeper you know and like find out if you guys have actually found anything so that was really really fun i hope you guys enjoyed let's get into some dilemmas okay everybody i'm gonna start with the dilemmas updates because I honestly I can't wait to share it okay so we'll

start with the um what's she called the hairband what's it called a hairband a bobble what do you guys say a bobble or a hairband I say hairband you guys well this guy says bobble I feel like it's bobble a northern thing do we say that down south a bobble i say a hairband anyway let's just read it out shall i okay i have an update on my dilemma you spoke about the hair bubbles hair bubble story why is it hard for me to say i confronted my boyfriend about the hair bubble he was absolutely adamant he knew nothing about the hair bubble i'm saying it so many times now that it sounds weird and he was sure it was mine guys this is actually so embarrassing for me i spoke to my mom and sister about this as it really bothered me turns out my mom had recently bought a pack of blue or navy hair bubbles and i had borrowed one a few weeks back after we had a few drinks

around hers it's her fucking hairband listen this is a thing don't send me in a dilemma that you're suspicious your boyfriend's cheating on you because i'll tell you that he is there's me like right babe what you gotta do yeah buy a water bottle hide it in his car and say found your water bottle babe and if he goes oh thanks that means he's cheating on you it was yours it was literally yours seriously don't send me in a dilemma anyone this is just this goes to everybody if you're suspicious if there's signs that your boyfriend's cheating on you don't ask me because i'll say that he is i'll go yeah of course he is of course he is men are fucking dickheads of course he is not all of

them don't worry oh hilarious i don't regret confronting my boyfriend i know if i didn't i would have kept it to myself and not spoken to my mom and sister exactly unsure how it ended up on the bedside table but if i forgot i borrowed a bubble the chances are i forgot i put it there me and my boyfriend are very much still happy and in love he may just think i'm a little bit crazy now love you bye i think i should take all the blame for the craziness because honestly there's something wrong with my brain i just i have little faith like when i when there's a little sign i found a hairband listen this is all i knew i found a hairband i've never seen in my life it was on the bedside table I'm thinking cheater cheater cheater cheater seriously was I the only one though I'm sure everyone was

listening thinking Leah I'm sure there's an explanation not in my world honestly you'd think I've been like majorly cheated on by all my exes I I just, I don't know what it is. I think as soon as I see a sign, I just think, oh, it's not looking good. But in your case, it was your hairband and I'm thrilled. Okay. Love you, babes. Thank you so much for the update, by the way. I'm really appreciative when anyone sends an update, especially this one. I was really, really hoping for an update on that one. Okay. We have another update. Hi, gorgeous girl. Hi, babe. Update on my dilemma. I sent in a dilemma about April time that my situation shit was going on a lad's holiday to Tenerife. I remember this. I remember this. I was worried about him doing

something shady over there, even though we hadn't been seeing each other long. Yeah, I remember. seen each other long yeah i remember okay he followed a girl on insta see this i'm like cheetah i looked at her profile profile and on her highlights was stories of him oh of her in tenerife at the same time as him i asked him about it this is serious like um detective work here we're like okay he's wanted this girl let me just see okay she's in tennereve she's in tennereve do you know what i mean i asked him about it and he said he made friends over there uh why why doing that you you're with your friends you got friends okay that was fair enough then i checked her insta the next day it was a story of him in her hotel room safe to say he went straight in the bin good job good job babe i now have the most amazing green flag guy in my life it's funny how

the universe makes things work out you see this is what i'm always telling you guys the universe has a plan just sit back and relax you know honestly wild though i'm glad you fucking went fishing to be honest because he's a little liar little liar mate okay love you babe thank you so much for the update keep them coming keep them coming all right let's get into some new dilemmas who's ready okay hi babe i need some help i got you so me and my ex-boyfriend have been on and off for the last three years ridiculous i know oh that's rough three years on and off for the last three years. Ridiculous, I know. Oh, that's rough. Three years on and off. I'll be tired. I'll be tired. I've been over him and the relationship for a while because it was never a nice one and all we did was argue. The whole of the summer he was begging to see me and

meet up. Shock. But I've just found out he has a girlfriend. Oh my God. So more than likely was speaking to her the entire time. I feel so sorry for this girl because I know she was an exchange student at his uni, which means she doesn't even live in England. So God knows what he'll be doing while she's not here. Yeah, God. Anyway, my dilemma is why do I now feel so sad that he's with someone new and happy when I'm not? Like I said I've been over him for ages and if I wanted to see him over somewhere I could have but I didn't. So I don't know why now he has a girlfriend all those feelings have come back. I know he's a horrible person who I'd never want to see or be with again and I also myself don't even really want a relationship. I just never

thought he'd end up with a new girlfriend because he doesn't deserve anyone and how he managed that before me. If you have any advice as to why I'm feeling like this and how to get over it, it'd be so appreciated. Love you in the pod so incredibly much. I'd be lost without it. Oh, I love you. I love you so much. That's such a nice thing to say. See what I mean by I never sound sincere. That's such a lovely thing to say. see what I mean? But I never sound sincere. That's such a lovely thing to say. I really need to work on my sincerity because I mean it. All right, let's dig in because this is a big one. All right, do you know what? I think it's, I think it's just, it's only natural and a human emotional response. And it's not about him. It's not about your feelings towards him or anything like that why it's bothering you i think what we have to remember is just because someone is in a

relationship does not mean that they're happy so you're saying like oh like you know he's moved on and he's happy we don't know that he's happy and you said you not. But I don't know if you mean you're not happy or you're not with someone. So you don't want to be with someone. So realistically, you're absolutely on track with exactly where you want to be in your life right now. So give yourself credit for that. You know, you know what you want, you know what you don't want. And you're following exactly that. I also think a lot of it comes down to like sometimes we can just have negative feelings towards someone after they've treated you like shit and after they've just fucked with you like it was on and off for three years he was

fucking with your head recently then you found out he's got a girlfriend which is a bit more of a head fuck and actually kind of insulting because it's like oh my god stop taking the piss out of me but i think that is the reason why it can be hard to to be happy for them and not care because part of you is it's about it's about and it's i think it's about the ego do you know what i mean like as humans we have that thing where it's like what do you mean you're not fucking on the floor crying about me what do you mean you're not losing sleep because you can't bear the thought of never being with me again do you know what i mean part of us can feel a little bit like that that's that's okay that's normal i think what we need to do is understand that no matter who he is with no matter how happy he is even if he is right let's say he was with the most 10 out of 10 girl in the world

and he's the happiest he's ever been it doesn't matter because you don't want him he is not nice to you he did not make you happy so whatever he's doing with his life and with whom is so uninteresting and so irrelevant so unimportant because you don't want him so that's what you need to remember it's like it doesn't actually matter how happy you are because i don't fucking want you i don't i don't want you so crack on be whatever it is happy you know maybe he struggles being on his own maybe he's a bit of a narcissist or maybe he is just really, really, really happy, whatever it is. Could be the worst relationship he's ever been in. He could spend every night thinking about you. Could be the happiest he's ever been in his whole life. Could be his absolute

soulmate. No matter what it is, it doesn't matter because you don't want him and you don't want to be with anyone right now. So you don't lose in this situation whether he is happy or sad it doesn't change your life if he was really miserable if he was really you know if he was thinking about you every day and and you losing you was the biggest mistake he's ever made it still doesn't change anything compared to whether he's happy or whether he's miserable it doesn't change you and your life because you don't want to be with him no matter what. No matter what he's feeling, no matter how single he is, no matter how much he wants to be with you, you don't want to be with him. So that's what I would keep your focus on. That is mainly, that is all that is

important to be honest, you know, and just keep reminding yourself of that love you babe all right let's do this one Leah I need your help or opinion as I know you're the best oh wow thank you I've been chatting to this guy I've known for a couple of years only met once in 2019 he still messaged me once in a while after seeing him in 2019 but nothing came about it but when we started chatting properly about a month ago again he wanted to take me out for meals and said i could go on dog walks with him being quite cute i'm not a date girl and i am messy so don't like to eat out with a man off me i'm literally the messiest eater i'll put a brand new tracksuit on fresh out the wash sit down down, eat my dinner, curry sauce straight down it.

Do you know what I mean? Anyway, at the beginning of September, I went around his. We chilled, watched TV, did have a kiss and got quite steamy if you get me. But nothing happened. I simply said not tonight and went home. As I don't sleep around, I never had a one night stand. Nothing wrong with it, just not for me. A week later, he said I could stay at his.

I really fancy him and he is a nice guy so i stayed round and we did sleep together the sex was fire especially for the first time with someone which we both agreed he's openly said he wants to settle down as he has his own successful business mortgage at the age of 23 okay we chatted about how we both want to get married first and have kids the old fashion way etc anyway here's the dilemma as he has his own business he is extremely busy um he works seven days a week also has other hobbies and a mad social family life okay i had to leave early the next morning after we slept together as he had to get up for work which was fine i didn't mind he kissed me on the forehead to say goodbye i turned around and kissed him properly and he said he'd message me later which he did

the next few days we chatted he's he was starting conversations carrying them on etc i then asked that weekend what he was doing and if he wanted to see me. Unfortunately, he had plans, which was fine, I guess. Now it comes to this week. I felt his energy changed slightly, only very slightly, but like was messaging in the morning. To me, that isn't a big deal. I just thought, hmm, what's changed? I asked at the start of the week if he wanted to do a quick FaceTime call before bed, but he kind of just said, I'm going to sleep. Well, okay. Okay. Which did make me angry is he could have literally just FaceTime me and said that. But anyway, we move on. On Wednesday, what he was doing. Okay. I'm assuming she means on Wednesday, I asked what he was doing this weekend and he said he

didn't have much planned except work. And when I asked if he wanted to see me, his reply was, can do, but have work Saturday and Sunday. Not the can do. Seriously. Lucky me. Lucky me. Half-arsed reply. He said I could him friday or saturday night which i said yeah okay and thought to myself i'll see what he says at the weekend so friday he didn't chat much he went out doing one of his hobbies with his mates which again is fine saturday night he's at home he's saying he's having a chilled one as he's shattered and has a headache no invite of me going around or seeing him oh babe basically the long story of this is that i don't know how i should react i know i should probably leave it to him if he wanted to see me he would make time do i back off not message him i tried to back off and didn't message saturday as i really didn't think he talked to me but he

did end up messaging me oh not the head fuck seriously I'm a very anxious attachment girly as you can probably tell and I do try to not show it but then I overthink or do I bring up in conversation with him how I don't like how he's wanted to see me oh sorry oh my god how I don't feel like he's wanted to see me after I stayed at his and we slept together a few weeks ago i'm just really stuck on what to do it's the first time i've slept with someone different in nearly four years it's quite a big deal for me i left that morning feeling calm and like he was a proper man he was going to treat me well but as these weeks have gone on i'm now feeling like did

he just want to shag but why is he still messaging me daily then i don't get these boys they really are from mars please help me love you bye that is really confusing to be fair okay it's kind of oh it's such a head fuck i feel like what i would do let me just give you that perspective what i would do is listen i'm getting the fucking hint, all right? You know, I'm getting the hint. You're not prioritizing any time for me. And that's okay if you're really, really, really busy. That's fine.

I'm not going to take it personally. You are clearly very busy and I can't take that away from you. And to want to just chill on your own is fine, right? Everybody should be able to enjoy their alone time. But to not prioritize any time for me, even a FaceTime call for five minutes, just to have a chat, because I don't, you know, this saying is a bit controversial. If he wanted to, he would. I don't believe that in all cases, but when it comes to just like, he hasn't seen you for a long time because he's been so busy. If he wanted to see

you, he'd make a five minute FaceTime call work, right? So I'm just getting the hint at this point and I would just back off. Like you said you did and then he messaged you I would probably just back off quite a lot um you know uh a couple of messages not reply for a while and see what happens and if he then gives up and he's like oh fuck it that's fine you know I kind of got the hint anyway just sort of saving myself the conversation. We're clearly not on the same page, or at least you clearly just don't have time for a relationship. But, or if he messages and he's like, hey, where have you been? You have, you know, you've been weird with me. You've been distant. That's when I'll just be honest and say, look, I'm not going to lie. I just don't really think you have time for a relationship right now and you know I can see myself getting hurt in that situation we slept

together I don't easily do that and we haven't really had any time for each other so well you haven't really had time for me so you know I just sort of got the hint and yeah and then then he has a chance to say you know what you're right i haven't made any time for you i am really interested in you let me see what i can do schedule wise whether it be over fucking facetime or in person or if you if you are reading the signals right and he genuinely just doesn't want to make time because he isn't that into it then he'll agree and he'll go yeah i don't have time for a relationship right now you're probably right but it was good you know it was a good time it was fun maybe in the future who knows whatever's meant to be like I said sit back and relax universe is

always doing what it's got to do that's personally what I would do because you've already sort of confronted it a little bit and got nowhere with it um and you've also tried the whole okay well i'll just sort of go a bit quiet and not message him on saturday and then he's messaging you so it's a bit like you don't really know where you stand and it feels a bit like can you just lay it on and be like to be fair okay this is another option because at the same time, backing off could just push someone away and could make them think that you're not interested in them when that obviously isn't the case. Here's another option. You could just go straight to the conversation of like, look, I'm not trying to have like a big heavy deep chat or anything, but I'm just getting the vibes that

you don't really have time for someone in your life right now. You don't have to use the word relationship if you don't feel like you're there yet but i just don't really feel like you have time for someone in your life right now or at least me um just like you know be let me know and be honest with me if that's okay do you know what i mean i feel like you're allowed to do that because like i've said before sometimes when we don't know where we stand, we're too scared to ask, and then we end up hurt because we never fucking asked in the first place. This is why the new hinge feature is actually fucking good, guys. You know, we wouldn't have to have these conversations because we see it on the profile. Obviously, you didn't meet him on a dating app anyway, but

yeah. So I think don't be scared to ask someone you know what they what their intentions are what what they're thinking because you don't want to push them away or it because you don't want it to be awkward because then you're putting your feelings at risk at the expense of like you know whatever so that didn't make any sense you guys know what I'm saying so that that's honestly my personal opinion there's two options there and I think they're both good to be honest but you make your call and definitely keep us updated I love you so much okay let's do one more hey sorry this is a long one and a bit of a rant but well I said runt bit of a rant but I'm feeling oh my god I can't speak today I'm really

struggling I haven't been able to speak for the last like four days honestly but I'm feeling oh my god I can't speak today I'm really struggling I haven't been able to speak for the last like four days honestly but I'm being made to feel guilty as I can't make the Christmas party at work okay we are all self-employed I work in a salon with four others who work part-time I work full-time including evenings and weekends to fit in my clients okay booked and busy they've chosen the 23rd of december to have the work due the saturday before christmas eve okay i'm sorry i don't want to go out with my fucking work colleagues on christmas eve eve is that christmas eve eve yeah i'm only 23 i don't have children or any reason to finish early for Christmas as this is my busiest time of year. Yeah, make that money, babe.

I usually work solid 10 to 12 hour days the week before Christmas to fit everybody in. And being self-employed, this is a big earner for me. Yeah, absolutely. They want me to finish early to join them for a meal slash night out. Side note, the salon owner does not pay for our meal. We pay for it ourselves. side note the salon owner does not pay for our meal we pay for it ourselves it will be a 30 minute drive there and i will almost probably have to drive everybody home as i don't drink am i right to be annoyed about the following one having to turn away old and new clients

two losing money three i'll be super drained that week so we'll enjoy having chill time with my family. Four, being told this gives me a cut off point. I have to stop at some point. No, we have to go for Christmas. And five, nobody else has been hassled about saying they're busy other weekends in December. We had our last Christmas do in January this year as we were all too busy last December. I feel like I'm really being, I feel like I'm being really awkward, being the only one not up for it and not sure how to go about this without saying something rude. I've told them they can all go and we can arrange something else another time, but it's all gone quiet. What do I do? Thank you. I love the pod and always look forward to upload days.

Okay. Do you know what I think? I think fuck the Christmas party right like you said this is a big earner for you and I was having this conversation with my mum recently right because she was basically explaining to me like as you get older you learn to just say like I don't want to go or like I don't want to do that and not feel guilty about it and not feel like you've got to come up with some big excuse like oh i can't i got this or blah blah and we were saying like it's actually a really good skill to have to be able to turn around and say like no i'm okay thank you that's just you know i don't really fancy it you know and there's nothing wrong with that you don't need to have a reason you don't even need to have a reason let alone an excuse you know so obviously you do have a reason and a very valid one this is a big money making week

for me i would rather make money than spend it you know especially this time of year this time of year only comes around once this is when everyone's trying to get their hair in you know everyone's trying to book in in the salon this is the time of year where we're making some serious money and i'm not gonna sacrifice it to fucking sit down and have a meal I'm not being funny this is just what I'd rather do and you don't need to justify it you can just say no and not feel guilty about it and if they will make you feel like you're being awkward about it they'll go for it I'm not being funny everyone will come back after new year and they'll get over it and it'll be a thing of the past you've made the money you've been grinding hustling over christmas

then you get to relax chill out enjoy your fucking christmas break with your family like everybody wants to do and they'll just have to get over it they can go out on their christmas meal and you know maybe you will redo it again in January altogether but if you don't you don't to be honest and you've obviously already made the decision of what you want to do and the only reason you should be going is out of guilt and pressure and like this is like the conversation I was having with my mum is like when you get to a certain age you stop doing that sorry I felt that hiccup coming again you stop doing things out of peer pressure and out of like people going oh come on come on come on you get to a certain point where you should go

no honestly I'm fine I really don't fancy it but thank you like honestly have a really nice time do you know what I mean and there's nothing wrong with it there's nothing bitchy about it there's nothing rude about it you're allowed to have different ideas of fun you're allowed to have different different interests different ideas of like how You're allowed to have different interests, different ideas of like how you want to spend the 23rd of December. You know, you don't have to do what other people want to do. And you don't have to feel guilty about it either, to be honest, babe. I would just keep being polite and just say like,

honestly, thank you so much for like trying to make it work with me coming and stuff. But I really need to prioritize work at the moment. I'm gutted that I'm not going to be there, but yeah, unless it is at another time, like I'm really not going to be able to make it, but honestly go have the best time. And sorry, I'm not going to be there, but yeah, I've really got to prioritize work, you know? And that's that. If they go, oh, come on. No, I said no. Do you know what I mean? come on no I said no do you know what I mean yeah babe that's what I think but yeah good for you grinding hustling and guys I'm so excited about Christmas I can't wait to start the Christmas chat also actually I'll say that in the outro but yeah let me round up this dilemma love you good for you and proud of you love you all. Let's wrap up the episode.

Okay, everybody. So the thing I want to talk to you about is it's October, guys. It's spooky season, which means the haunted Halloween special is approaching and it's approaching fast so how should i do this okay i'm going to create a button on the website to send in your haunted halloween stories ghost stories i don't know what other kind of scary stories they can be oh please send in any stories where you've been to like a medium because even though it's not like i mean make sure they're like spooky ones you know you know like when they're it's like whoa how do you know that also if anyone can recommend a good medium even if they're in london a good spiritual medium please recommend them to me i really i'm really desperate to go and see another one but yeah

send in your Halloween stories. Keep an eye peeled on the website. I'll make sure there is a button up there. And yeah, honestly, guys, thank you so much. If you made it to the end, you're my favorite. Love you so much. Hope you all have an amazing week this week. Let me know what episode you want on Friday.

I'll do whatever you guys fancy. Have an amazing week, whatever it is that you're getting up to. Thank you so so much for listening if you made it all the way to the end thank you for being in my company today thank you so much for having me in yours and I'll speak to you on Friday for a brand new episode all right I love you