Leah on the Line - 88: The only way someone will change & how to respond to being ghosted

Episode Date: October 16, 2023

Hey babes! Welcome back to another episode of Leah on the Line. Thank you so much for all of your love and support on the podcast, it honestly means the world to me. I hope you love this one!Head to leahontheline.com to send in your dilemmas and confessions. Love you! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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It's getting closer to midnight. I try to get closer to you. Hello. Hi, everyone. Welcome back to a brand new episode of Lear on the Line. to you. holiday, going off on my holobobs and I don't even know what freaking day it is to be honest. But no, it's a Tuesday. It's a Tuesday episode. Oh, I haven't actually done my Aussie accent in a while. Hopefully she's not getting rusty. Maybe I should do an entire episode talking like that. Shout out to my Aussies. Okay. I'm going to need you to let me know if I do actually sound Australian or if you can just tell that it's fake because to be honest I feel like I could go to Australia and they wouldn't even know you know you know anyway oh god am I ready for this holiday I will be honest though

the pre-flight nerves creeping in in, they're creeping in. And also my brother's going on holiday as well, like two days before me. And honestly, I had the most horrific dream about my brother, guys. It was a really awful dream that something bad happened to him. And when I tell you, I've never been so traumatized. I was crying the next morning telling my mum and auntie about it. I was literally in tears because it was, it fucked me up so bad. And like for the whole week, last week, I was just fucking weird. Like I was in this weird, I was like disassociated. Like it was so scary and horrible. And so now I'm like stressed about his flight. God, I just,

ball and so now I'm like stressed about his flight god I just I'm really good at just fucking catastrophizing guys honestly if it was a sport I'd be a gold medalist like it's I'm skilled in that area anyway oh my god you know what else I'm skilled at sprinting don't know if I've ever told anybody this because well I tell a lot of people this it's actually I it comes out of my mouth at least once a week but it's my roman empire the fact that I'm a fucking good sprinter but basically when I was younger right I was shit at everything shit at all sports okay I've spoke about it a lot I'm not skilled in the sports area but one thing I was sick at was just running really fucking quick I honestly don't know I'm really fucking quick. I honestly don't know. I'm literally Usain Bolt.

I don't know. It's just naturally in my genes, my genetic build up. I'm just quick as fuck. Like, guys, I'm not like boasting, bragging, but I am. Like, I'm sick. I'd beat you all. I'd literally beat you all in a race mate race you all and you'd fucking lose

no listen to me I was shit at everything sports day I was like oh god here we go javelin like all of that shit long jump my little five foot two legs like but anyway i was really good at sprinting i was really good right and i was so good that i used to do this thing where no offense to all the people that was doing the 200 meter race with me but i was actually smashing them all like actually embarrassingly quick like i was just i was literally rapid mate just rapid on the track and i'd be embarrassed about the fact that i'm beating them by so much i sound like such a dick but listen when you got one thing you're good at you cling on to it right so i was just unreal running and i was so much quicker than anyone that I'd be embarrassed about how far behind they were.

And what I would do, right, is I would slow down at the finish line and then I'd wait for people to get close to me. And then I just obviously smash them out of the park. But I would literally slow down. And my dad was saying it to me the other day. He was like, I remember you used to do that. You'd be embarrassed about the fact that you beat them by quite a lot, that you'd slow down. down and i was like i didn't want to feel like i don't want to make people feel shit because i'm i'm just that quick honestly i'm not even joking i'm actually that proud of it literally 14 14 years old doing 200 meter sprint it's my biggest achievement

but anyway right and then this girl who was actually one of my besties she got moved up from the 100 meter to the 200 meter and she was quick she was fucking quick right and i was like i ain't slowing down for this bitch she's's literally my best friend. I was like, no, this is, this is serious, mate. We're going head to head on this one. And we would be head to head. And I was, um, undefeated, undefeated 200 meter sprint sports day. You better believe it. Anyway. And then my form tutor was the PE teacher, right? So he took sports day very seriously he was actually such a legend I loved him and then he said to me I'm putting you in the relay this year

we need you this year I said I said Mr Crisp I'm too shy I'm too shy I don't I don't like the whole relay thing I find it awkward and embarrassing like I even found it embarrassing doing the sprints i'm just shy right and he's like you're doing the relay mate and i fucking won it didn't i well we sorry we won it the team won it i guess all thanks to me my fucking rapid legs anyway the reason i'm talking about this is because i did a dna test you guys remember the ancestry dna found out i'm scortesh i'm scortesh right um and i have the sprinter gene it told me because i got the traits package where it tells you your traits and it said you have the sprinter gene i said you don't have to

tell me that darling you have to tell me that i know i know i knows. I'm also Welsh, by the way. I'm not very good at the Welsh accent. See, I'm Scottish, Welsh, Irish, and just British. I thought, oh, that's fucking exotic, isn't it? That's bloody exciting. Snooze. Literally so boring. My results, I was like, okay, no one needs to know that. I been telling everyone i'm spanish all my life i actually have because my dad told me that we like my great great granddad or something was a spanish sea captain i thought salay spanish salay hola me llamo leah right turns out i'm fucking scottish did not see that coming at all none of us did I said it to my mom and dad they were like what so I'm calling cap on them results and I'm saying I'm 78% Spanish 12%

fucking sprinter mate anyway so as you can tell the last Tuesday episode we was was having to be quiet I had Jamie always having to be quiet now it's daytime again I'm recording at a normal time so I can have my normal energetic episodes back which feels really good so yeah I don't know how I've got into these topics today I'm talking about sprinting and DNA but anyway lovely Tuesday episode today the usual lovely weekly debate and some gorgeous dilemmas sent in from you gorgeous people oh god I was really on a roll there with my sentence and I just had to fuck it up didn't I oh well good job I'm a fast runner hey all right guys I love you so much thank you so much for tuning in today I hope you all enjoy this episode thank you for being in my

company thank you so much for having me in yours let's get into the episode thank you so much for listening to leah on the line head to leah on the line.com to send in your dilemmas and confessions remember to follow on socials to see visual clips and get involved with the weekly debates enjoy the episode love you okay everybody let's just get straight into the weekly debate today. I'm really looking forward to this one, okay? It says, is it better to slowly cut contact after a breakup or go no contact immediately, right? Because here's the thing, I feel like there's an idea of what we should do, but what is actually better for you mentally emotionally you know let's have a look what you guys are saying no contact immediately no contact

immediately no contact asap slowly cut contact i've never gone fully no contact but i've drifted from exes over time depends on the situation but i drive myself crazy if I wasn't immediate with stalking, etc. Depends on the breakup situation. No go straight away. But if amicable, then slowly cut it. Okay, okay. Slowly cut contact initially so it isn't a huge shock. Then after a month, zero contact. Yeah, okay, I feel you. It's easier to go slow slow but no contact is definitely the best I do agree I do agree it's easier if we just slowly cut it off but realistically maybe it's just better for everybody to just go bang you know here's what I think I've never done bang no contact ever it's just I don't know why I think it's that attachment and it takes a minute to detach I just think it's that unless you've detached while

you're with the person which can also happen I think sometimes it just doesn't your brain cannot do it do you know what I mean like especially when you've been with someone for a long time, it's like, I've spoken to you every single day and what we've had a conversation about ending the relationship and that's it. I'm never, ever, ever going to speak to you again. It's like your brain cannot comprehend that. Like one of you said, it's the shock. Do you know what I mean? So I always find it easier to slowly cut and then eventually you get to a point where you just, you have nothing left to say, no reason reach out you know your brain has slowly come around to the idea that you are going to have to let go of that person eventually do you know what i mean clean break no contact is the fastest way to heal no go immediately i tried slowly and found to found it even harder to let

them go or move on yeah that, that is true. That can be the other side of it as well. Like it's, you're just holding on and eventually you have to get to that point where you can let go. Like we had that dilemma the other week of that girl where she's met somebody new, but she's still friends with her ex because she's never actually got to the no contact part. Slowly, this helped me so much, but I think it depends. It definitely helped me so much but I think it depends it definitely helped me to do it slowly because I just naturally got to the point where I was just like this isn't helping me anymore do you know what I mean because I think it can help for a while just to know that whatever you're feeling you can reach out because especially in my experience I've always ended on amicable terms

do you know what I mean like it's never been a situation of like fuck you i fucking hate you like no matter what the reason is for a breakup i've always ended the relationships in a headspace of like you know what i wish you all the best you know what i mean so i've always been in a situation where if you're having a bad day and you feel sad or whatever you can reach out and say like, I'm struggling today. And some people that's like, what the fuck? Why would you do that? Do you know what I mean? But for me, that just helped me to know that like, we don't hate each other. You're not out to get me. You're not doing anything to, to get back at me or get revenge or

be bitter, you know? And if I, if I have a have a question like are you seeing anyone you can ask them not that I ever have to be fair I'm normally no contact by the time you're like seeing other people but yeah yeah I found I found it helpful to do it slowly to be honest I find it it feels more peaceful it feels less angry and hateful do you know what I mean and then I've never had the conversation of like right I'm cutting contact that's it you know it's just naturally happened like we would slowly drift and then we don't speak anymore and it just felt like a natural it came to a nice natural close you know um no contact immediately it hurts more at first but gets you over them quicker do you know what i can totally get how it would but i feel like for me

i would think about them more you know like having i would have more questions and i'd be more curious and i think i would do i would stalk them more Whereas if I know I can just text you if I'm having a bad time or if I need something or whatever, I can just text you or you can just text me. I feel less consumed by it. I think when you're thinking, right, no contact, no contact, no contact,

it makes you wanna talk to them more and it makes you wanna check on them more. It makes you more curious. It makes you a bit more obsessed with what what's what they're doing does that make sense i don't know that's just me personally i find that when i know i can text you i'm i'm less interested in in the whole situation and i i won't stalk you you know hmm interesting lots of you to be honest I'd say 90% of these responses are just saying no contact seen it too many times when they stay in contact and it never ends well I guess it can definitely end badly because one of you is going to move on to somebody else sooner and if you're still in

some sort of minimal contact it might hurt do you know what i mean but i haven't been in that position but i can imagine it's hurtful because it's you're like fuck okay i guess we have to cut this off now do you know what i mean um it really helped me not knowing anything that they're up to it protects your feelings until they're healed yeah a hundred percent if if it's not something that would make you more more curious then it would definitely be more helpful because you don't know ignorance is bliss do you know what i mean but if you're someone like me if i had no contact with someone i'm looking at your shit like if it was immediately no contact like we've ended the relationship we've got all of our things back, we have no reason to see or talk to each other again, I'm fucking stalking you at that point. If I know, you're not just going to pop me the odd text like, hey, how are you feeling today?

Or, you know, saw this thought about you last night. Do you know what I mean? Because in my experience, you you heal together it's really weird like you sort of accept the ending of a relationship in a peaceful nice way like I don't know that's just how I've always done it and then don't get me wrong like there are always moments where it's like oh you're following somebody oh my god you're moving on blah blah blah you always get those feelings but I think when you feel like there's no bad vibes and no bad blood like it just feels so much easier to let go I don't know that's just me to be fair everyone is so different in breakups aren't they but from this oops from this debate literally 90% are saying immediately no contact only a couple of you are saying relatively slowly

cut contact depends how or why it ended if feelings are still there cut off maybe better to give them time to heal yeah that is true no contact ASAP I think it's easier to do it slowly but no contact is probably for the best hmm yeah literally most of you are saying no contact to be honest so that's interesting I I just don't think I could do it to be honest I think it would be so much harder I think for me the longest I've stayed in very minimal contact with somebody after a breakup is like a month yeah probably a month. Yeah, probably a month. Although there was like a situation where we were still in contact on and off for about a year. But that wasn't really the same. That was just kind of, we kept in contact. I think because we still had so much respect for each other. I don't know.

It's a weird one to be fair. But yeah, thank you guys so much for all your responses I guess moral of the story is most people are saying no contact immediately so we actually I don't know if the breakup episode I'm doing a breakup advice episode I don't know if that was the Friday just gone or the Friday this week you guys will know either way check it out all right babes let's get into some dilemmas okay everybody we are gonna kick it straight off with this one because it's actually kind of wild so let's just get straight in hi leah thank you for making me giggle on my tuesday commute sorry in advance this may be a long one but i'm in need of advice oh my god i love you okay we got this so me and this guy let's call him Mark have been dating

since last December oh my god that's a long time we're we're approaching a year dating at this point okay at first it was amazing we clicked instantly and on our first day I knew he was a bit of me but the more time that we went the more time that went on he complimented me less and used to call me names and take the piss out of me as a joke okay that one i'm not going to say because that's kind of triggering but it's he's insulting her fucking body at that point you're a meaty ting your fashion sense is horrible etc fuck off how is he still in your life babe but i just chalked it down to him being jokey and me being too sensitive no i'm not being funny if somebody was saying those things to me i'd put him in the fucking bin i'd put him in the paper shredder mate anyway then it came to my birthday and he didn't take me for dinner or get me a present because he

was ill. Okay. Three weeks later, it was his birthday and I planned a birthday dinner and got him some cute gifts, which he really appreciated. Oh, babe. After that, he kept saying he'd gotten me something for my birthday, but has never given it to me to this day. Okay. He got you fuck all realistically, but he also met my brothers who really liked him and pays for all our dates and is actually very caring and does a lot for me okay i don't know how we're calling somebody caring when he calls you those names but all right we'll continue around july i met up with him and his cousins i'm not gonna lie i got blackout drunk and puked all in the bar toilets and over me oh and he had to get me home and shouted at me don't fucking raise your voice

at me mate oh my god for embarrassing him in front of his friends you're making a cunt out of me in front of my pals oh i just said the c word we'll mute that all right carrying on um he didn't talk to me for a whole week after i'm basically ending it fucking hell punishing me for getting a bit too steaming sorry we stayed in contact since and would flirt and sext but no mention of us being back together during this time i dated other guys but nothing hit the same now he calls me nearly every day and claims i'm his and wants to go for drinks tonight i'm gonna go but it just feels so weird because i'm like what do you want from me wish me luck and help me what do i do okay babe i'm telling you now it's too late but i i really wish you didn't go because you know what? It's given controlling and it's given every red flag you can ever imagine ever in your life ever. He's literally abusing you with words,

calling you horrible names, taking away your self-esteem, making you insecure, right? Then he is impun... Oh my God. Then he is punishing you for having a good time yeah you got too drunk yeah you were sick fuck it that's where he that's where he should feel empathy and care and take care of you and look after you because you're in a vulnerable state yeah he took you home but then he shouted at you for embarrassing him in front of his friends apparently get a grip of yourself mate what have you never been so drunk before you've been sick come on yes you have and it's given dangerous i'm not i'm not being dramatic right if you were my bestie in real life which you are but like we haven't met i'd say no we have to run he the first sign is he is knocking your self-esteem the reason these people do this

is because they want you to feel insecure so that you depend on them for everything for your confidence the way you feel about yourself they take away your self-respect so that then you allow them to treat you shit because you don't have self-respect because they've ruined it by making you feel like you're this big and embarrassing him that is pure what's the word it is in like intimidation like he's like intimidating you making you feel like a piece of shit like punishing you for a week and then he wants to flirt and sex you but doesn't want to get back together and now he's calling you every day and claims you as his let me tell you one thing darling i'm i'm nobody's yeah so listen i'm telling you now run for your life i'm literally telling you run for your life am i being dramatic or what like i just want to know what it is you actually like about this

person because he pays for dates is all I've read so far that is anything to you know celebrate but to be honest that's not even anything to celebrate because there are loads of guys that will pay for dates and not call you names and if you got blackout drunk he would just go sorry guys I'm gonna go she's she's not in a good way I going to take her home, make sure she's all right. And then he will take you home, give you some water, hold your hair back, rub your back and laugh about it the next day. You know, that is the way that somebody should take care of you. He is not showing you caring signs. He's not, it's not given empathy. It's not given love and care. It's selfish nasty prick and i don't know if i'm deep in it i don't think i am but if this was my friend i'd say what the hell of all men in the world you want you pick

him you know what i mean so yeah honestly my advice to you babe is you deserve so much better you deserve somebody that will take care of you in a situation like that especially not make you feel shit for it because you wake up with anxiety anyway let alone when you're fucking chundering all over yourself in front of like the new guy's friends or family so you obviously would have felt shit enough as it is without him making you feel bad about it his job there was to go don't worry about it babe we've all been there don't worry about it no one cares no one's gonna hold it against you they've all been there as well we'll all laugh about it when we see each other next that is the way he should have spoken to you about that situation you know so i don't like him leah on the line does not approve get

rid love you babe all right next dilemma does not approve. Get rid. Love you all out without going over. Don't wait. Our back to school offers are only available for a limited time. Go to Fido.ca or a Fido store near you and save all semester long. Fido, at your side. I have a major crush on a taken guy. We have mutual friends, but I've only met this boy a couple of times. We got on like a house on fire. I'm normally quite shy around people I don't know, but I felt so comfortable around him, which is rare. I genuinely think about him all the time and I can't get over him for fuck's sake. He's spoken about me to our mutual friends, but I don't even have him on social media or anything. What do I do? I need to get over him for fuck's sake he's spoken about me to our mutual friends but i don't even have him on social media or anything what do i do i need to get over him this is a tough one because listen as a girl in a relationship leave the taken boy alone okay but at the same time you guys

remember when we did the debate with talia, right? Which was, do you confess your feelings to someone if they're in a relationship? And we did discuss the idea that they might be unhappy in their relationship and this could be their way out, you know, that maybe they're waiting for a sign. Because listen, there are circumstances where you could be meant to be with somebody, but they're just with with somebody else you know like don't let your girlfriend stop you from meeting your wife but Jamie if you if you ever listen to this you better fucking not even think about it mate but what I'm saying is I'm really torn because I truly believe in expressing your feelings at the same time I truly believe in never ever homewrecking and I think the best thing to do

is forget about this guy until there could be a day he ends up single and if he does then then you shoot your shot because at the end of the day if you shoot your shot now and he feeds into it and he's like yeah I really fancy you as well he's low-key a prick for doing that and why would you want to be with someone who does that to their girlfriend because that could just be you next so I think we try and meet somebody else try and meet somebody else focus on a whole another guy or focus on yourself and forget about this boy until the day he may or may not become single because that's rough babe but I feel for you that must be painful but um please please leave the leave the boy alone all right next dilemma hi leah i have a small dilemma that's been eating me up with the past year and i would love some advice if you could help okay so i'm currently in a three-year

relationship and it's been great but there's just someone i can't stop thinking about and it won't go away let's call him tom i used to date Tom for a little while, three years ago, just before getting into a relationship with my current partner, who we will call Zach. Okay, Zach Efronslay. Tom and I have a great thing going, had a great thing going, sorry. I almost got into a relationship ourselves until I backed out of it because I just wasn't ready and I was quite young 18 and I'm now 21 but then a few months later I started seeing Zach and we've been together ever since I have guilt towards Tom because I ended things with him quite brutally by ghosting him okay and not giving an explanation I've never ever been able to clear this up with him but for the past year or so he

has been on my mind constantly as I see his or his friends posts of him and it makes me feel some type of way. We did talk a few months after all this happened and he told me that what I did hurt him which I didn't know how to deal with at the time so I just left it. Tom has a girlfriend now, oh no not again, and they've been together for over a year so i feel like because both of our current relationships there is no way we'll be able to meet again or talk but i can't help how i feel i know it's also unfair on my boyfriend to be feeling this way about someone else but i honestly think it's the guilt of breaking down what could have been in a way that hurts somebody else tom might not even think about me or it anymore but I can't get him out of my head do you think I should risk it and try to reach out some way um I think the best way to describe

to describe it is that I miss him thanks so much Leah love you love you too okay that is stress that is literal stress um should you be missing another guy when you're in a relationship absolutely not i think i don't know maybe maybe it's a sign that you shouldn't be in your relationship because put it this way if i knew that my boyfriend was missing somebody else when he was with me i'd say please don't fucking be with me please do not waste my life if if you're not giving me what i need and deserve do you know what i mean i wouldn't want somebody be with me if do not waste my life if if you're not giving me what I need and deserve do you know what I mean I wouldn't want somebody be with me if they if they felt what you were feeling I wouldn't want somebody to be with me so it could be a sign that it's time to sort of

I don't know be single or end your relationship I don't know maybe when you end your relationship Tom might magically become single if he hears about it i just think it's bothering you for a reason whether that be because you and tom are meant to be or because it's the idea that somebody else has now got him and you know you could have had him it could be the forbidden fruit situation whatever the reason we kind of need to figure that out um and i think maybe it's best that you maybe end your relationship to be honest because if i was with jamie thinking about another guy i'd think i need to fucking be on my own and sort my shit out sort my head out because that's fucked and it would drive me insane so yeah if i was you i'd be inclined to be single and try and figure out

what it is about tom that i can't stop thinking about is it tom in particular is it the you know you want what you can't have is it the what do you mean you don't want to be with me anymore what do you mean you've got a girlfriend i thought you was obsessed with me do you know what i mean so maybe it's that who knows either way i'd be inclined to be single to be honest i don't think it's fair on zach your boyfriend zach efron to be with somebody who is thinking about somebody else it's like a year did you say you've been thinking about this person for a year or um you've been in a three-year relationship oh oh okay it was three years ago just before you got into your current relationship okay how long you've been thinking about this guy okay i can't figure that out but tom has moved on and he's been

with somebody over a year or almost a year i can't remember i can't find it but either way okay they've been together over a year and for some reason you have got tom on the brain um i feel it because of both our current relationships there's just no way we'll be able to meet again or talk I would be inclined to be single to be honest with you babe baby girl yeah I just don't think it's fair to be with somebody if you're we're dealing with something right now you know whatever that is it's such a head fuck to process but yeah that's hard I think the only way you'd be able to really understand what it is that's making you think about Tom whether it be Tom in particular or just your relationship or you know how you're feeling in yourself whatever it is I think the best way to figure that out is to be on your own and you know then you don't have a boyfriend to feel guilty

about and then you'll sort of figure out am I still thinking about Tom now that I'm single and I know that if he wanted to meet up with me I just could you know maybe do that I don't know whatever feels right for you I think when I say that if it makes you go no way I don't want to break up with Tom. I mean, Zach, then I don't know. That's got to mean something, right? Please, please keep me updated with that one, please. Okay, I love you. Next dilemma.

Okay, I'm excited about this one because it's kind of an update, but there is more to the dilemma. So we'll carry on with this one, okay? Hey, Leah, update from last week, episode 86. episode 86 thank you so so so much for your advice I did listen just as a reminder guys the dilemma was I was chatting with this lad really liked him slept with him then he seemed like he didn't want to see me again right you guys remember she was like I don't really ever sleep with people I don't I've never had him on I stand it's not my thing so it was quite deep to her you guys remember anyway I carried on doing what you said hung back didn't text didn't carry on conversations

and he did start to go longer without messaging but still surprisingly messaged in the evenings i finally was fed up and sent a straightforward message to him on wednesday saying not being deep or anything but it's just really been playing on my mind i really enjoyed seeing you and staying the other weekend and it's not easy for me to sleep with just anyone but it's just really been playing on my mind. I really enjoyed seeing you and staying the other weekend, and it's not easy for me to sleep with just anyone. But it seems you haven't seen me. I just feel like you don't want to. I was expecting some shitty reply,

so I prepared myself for the excuse that was to follow. He replied saying, Hey, I just haven't really been myself recently. I feel like work's taking a bit of a hit on me. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Yeah, we know. Like I thought, half-assed excuse, really. I just simply replied,

all right, fair enough. Fully expecting to be ignored, but he replied again, saying, like, I've not done much uploading to social media for my work. It's just I'm busy. You know that as well, but I do understand where you're coming from.

Kiss, kiss. What? Okay. He said so much without saying anything at all. I did not like this tone, but me being nice replied something way too nice. Obviously, I know you're busy. I just rather know what you're thinking. No reply. That was my answer really. However, the next evening he Snapchats me having a normal conversation. Like, is he okay? Just going to brush past that lol. Honestly, I was shocked. Anyway, now he hasn't spoken for two days, so I guess that's it. In all honesty, I am gutted.

I did like him and thought he wouldn't do that. But like I said in the dilemma, I don't sleep around and have never had a one-night stand, so I'm a bit upset, but live and learn, we guess. We live and we learn, I guess. The only thing thing i do feel like now i've let him get away with it do i message and say what you've done is really disrespectful and i didn't expect it from you or should i just leave it until he messages again as i'm sure he will they always come back and then tell him where to stick it well thanks so much bestie love you bye okay love you so much yeah you we we're not sending that message i said it in the message in the message in the dilemma in a fucking hell in the episode of jamie last week right

when you text a boy when they've ghosted or when they fucked you over or when you found out there's another girl and you message them the whole i can't believe you've done this you're such a prick why would you do that it's really disrespectful they do not care they do not feel bad about it they just think oh my god he's literally obsessed with me stop sending me long text messages like it doesn't it doesn't we don't get what we think we're gonna get and even if we did get i know i'm sorry we don't feel better we literally don't feel any better so we're not gonna send that message we're gonna leave it we're gonna all right do you know what fuck it then do you know what i mean

fuck off then and like you said he will come back they always do and he'll say hey how are you we're gonna ghost we're gonna ignore the next time he sends a message trying to act all normal ignore it and then wait for him to send the proper message of, hey, why are you not talking to me? Blah, blah, blah. Just be like, listen, there's only so many hints you can drop that you're not interested in me before I'll get the fucking message, mate. Do you know what I mean? There's only so much you can do before somebody just gives up. Do you know what I mean? So I genuinely think you will find so much power in just pulling back and doing the whole, oh, whatever then, whatever then. And when he does send that message, you will feel powerful by just responding, no anger, no bitterness,

no nastiness. You're totally secure in yourself. I don't need you to want me. It's fine, mate. Don't worry. I don't need you to want to be with me. There are plenty of people that do. But we find power in that. Look, I ain't being funny, but you were really distant towards the end. You know, I got the hint. No hard feelings, even though there are, there are fucking hard feelings but we do that we just okay look mate i don't know what you think this is but i got the hint do you know what i mean it's not that deep don't worry about it that's what we do guys that's what we do don't worry about it lol don't worry i got i got the message lol no, you know, and then if he's like, oh no, I'm sorry, but just go, look, it ain't that deep, it's fucking deep, you've cried,

we've cried about it, but it ain't that deep, don't worry. All right, that's my advice, okay, I love you, don't't worry your self-worth does not depend on this guy and whether he has time for you just never forget that okay I love you okay let's go into this one hey angel love the pod so much hearing happy Tuesday is the serotonin boost I need on my drive to work oh I love that I love that so much so i'll get straight into it i have not read this at all by the way i've literally just clicked on it at random just for some context my boyfriend and i have been together for 10 months let's call him joe joe always seems a little bit secretive when it comes to his phone however i've been cheated on before so i think

sometimes i read into things too much. Okay. One night, he fell asleep with YouTube playing. And although I tried to tell myself not to do it, I didn't. I went through the phone. He had messaged a girl saying, How have I had you on Facebook all this time and never got to know you? With the smirk emoji. She replied saying we should change that. And asked for her snapchat at his big age his big age and where she lived she replied from the usa and that she didn't have snapchat we're

from the uk he never replied because it obviously couldn't go anywhere when i confronted him he said he didn't know why he did it it was stupid oh fucking brilliant mate that's helpful and it was during a time in our relationship oh here we go here we go guys you we all know where this is going well we're bickering a lot oh that's all right then oh that's fair enough you know fuck having any respect for me you know we were bickering fuck it in it no not only do i think that's maybe the worst response ever because now i'm worried fuck having any respect for me. You know, we were bickering. Fuck it, innit? No. Not only do I think that's maybe the worst response ever, because now I worry that that's why,

that's what he's going to do if we argue. Yeah, exactly. So next time we're having a shit time, which they fucking happen, mate. Next time we're not getting along, not getting along, or we're banging heads a bit more than normal, I've got worry that you're going to be messaging girls.

Yeah? All right. But i can't help but torment myself thinking if she had snapchat and she was more local what would have happened exactly that is so true i know deep down i should probably leave him before i get a chance to find out but the naive lover girl in me just wants to believe it was a mistake and it won't happen again what would you do sorry it's a long one love you oh my god i really feel for you because i know the fucking feelings it's like i know i know i should walk away but what if it never happens again and i throw this whole relationship over away over something that

didn't technically happen and might never happen and we can convince ourselves that it's not a sackable offense you're like oh i can't end the relationship over something that you know he didn't follow through with it's so it's so easy to convince yourself that like it's it's an overreaction to end the relationship do you know what i mean because we don't want to end the relationship obviously but one thing i always say is when somebody disrespects you on this level, if you really want this relationship to work, the only way they will never, ever, ever do that to you ever again is if you make them feel in a way that they will never forget now. Like if they feel on the floor,

I have lost her. I've lost everything. I have fucked it up. That is the only way. This is just my opinion, by the way way i'm not a psychologist i have no idea how the brain actually works literally just an opinion that is the only way in my opinion that they will truly never ever disrespect you like that again if they can feel that rock bottom i've fucked it up and they will never want to do that again they will never want to feel that again so and i don't mean this in a way of we gotta punish them we gotta punish them i i mean this in a way of if it is easy for somebody to disrespect you it is easy for them to do it again so if if they have no repercussions no consequences it was so easy you know because it was easy for

him to send the message and it was easy for him to get away with it so obviously if he wants to he will do that again so i truly believe even if you don't want to end this relationship okay this is the hardest thing to do ever this is so hard to do this is just an option just just a piece of advice just an idea okay you you can absolutely ignore everything i say here because it's pretty heavy you can end your relationship right and deep deep deep down not want that right deep deep deep down, not want that, right? Deep, deep, deep down, just praying that they will fight for you and fight for you and fight for you, okay? But this is the thing, they might not. So it's a risky, it's a risky game. It's not a game, it's risky business, okay? So let me explain why I think this is good my mum oh god I'm dropping my mic

everywhere my mum always taught me that the only way people will change is if they feel like they need to and they have to to make something work and to they have to want it enough to make it work okay so if they feel that rock bottom I have fucked this up i've lost her she's the best thing that's ever happened to me i've sent a stupid fucking message i've completely disrespected her i've completely taken her for for granted i put my relationship on the line for a fucking message i'm an idiot mate they need to feel that and i truly believe the only way people will feel that is when they feel like they have fucked it up if it is so easy for someone to disrespect you they will do it again sometimes

not always so I think listen I know what we think as well you're like but what if they don't fight for me what if they don't fight for me you have to remember if somebody doesn't fight for me. You have to remember, if somebody doesn't fight for you, that is also your answer. If you are putting your relationship on the line for the better, for better or for worse, it can either go the way we deep down want it to go, where it's, I'm going to fight for you, you know, I fucked this up, I realize what I've done, I realize how stupid it was because now I've realized acting like that results in this I lose you you know and I don't want that's the worst thing that could happen I'm going to fight for you and fight for you and fight for you and prove to you that I'm you know I'm faithful I will never do that to you again or they might do that for a couple of days

and go I'm so sorry take me back blah blah it was a mistake. And then they give up. And that is the fear you think, oh, but what if they give up? What if they, what if they think, oh, she don't want to fucking be with me. Okay. And then you go, oh, it was a test. It was a test. Shit, I didn't actually mean it. If somebody can hear the words, I don't want to be with you and just accept that real fucking quick. They, they are okay with that. They're okay with not being with you and that is also your answer so listen i know it's it's a scary game like i said you can it's not a game it's not a game i don't mean it as a game it's a scary it's scary business okay and you complete you can completely ignore everything i'm saying it's just an option

and it's something that i have truly believed to be true and beneficial in my experience okay we sit there going I need them to know that they can't do this to me again and the only way they're going to know that is if I if I say this over and even though I don't want it to be over I have to remind myself they did this to me right I'm not doing this. I'm not fucking with them. This isn't a game. I'm not testing them, right? They did this to me and I am breaking up with them with the intentions of them fighting for me because I deserve to be fought for

and I deserve somebody to trust, you know? I deserve to be able to trust someone and how are you gonna trust them if they don't feel, you know I deserve to be able to trust someone and how are you going to trust them if they don't feel you know if they don't have to change their behavior if they don't have to get to that point of like fuck I'm fucked it how they're going to change why would they change it was easy you know so I think it's really easy to sit there and go oh my god I'm so dumb like I'm so dumb I've said it's over hoping they're gonna fight for me and they haven't fought for me so now this is my fault that we're

not together anymore now he doesn't want to be with me now now i'm the one that feels broken up with no you have to remember if somebody really loves you and wants to wants you to be able to trust them and wants another chance they will let you fucking know and they will fight for you it is not easy to let go of someone if you truly believe i fucked this up this is all my fault and i want them back it is not easy to let someone go when you deep down feel like that it's easy to go you know he might fight for you for a week and then go okay well she doesn't want to be with me that's fine that is also your answer if you think about it like this right he's cheated, she doesn't want to be with me. That's fine. That is also your answer. If you think about it like this, right? He's cheated on me. Do I want to be with someone that I can trust? Yes. How do I do that? They need to feel like they fucked it.

What if he doesn't fight for me? That is, that is my answer. He would do it again because he doesn't care about the relationship enough to fight for me for more than a week so he would do it again you know but like i said that's a hard brave scary thing to do but fucking hell do you feel good when you do it because you will to be honest probably or maybe get to a point if you do do this i find that you get to a point where they are fighting for you and then you think do you know what now that i'm emotionally detached even just that little bit i'm just looking at you for what you are and that's just a fucking cheater mate that's all he is right now do you know what i mean or you could get to the point where you're like i'm so glad we did this is the best thing i

did for our relationship because now he is never going to take me for granted again because he has felt what it feels like to lose me and he ain't going to fucking want that feeling again because he hated it. But like I said, if he doesn't, if he doesn't feel that, oh my God, I fucked it. What have I done?

He, that's your answer. He doesn't care enough. Why would you want to be with someone that has no fight for you? Why do you want to be with someone that can cheat on you you say well i don't want to fucking be with you because you've cheated on me and then they go all right then there you go i don't want to be with you then i don't i want to fucking be with you do you know what i mean that's just my advice you can ignore it of course as always but yeah i love you i'm so sorry that

you're feeling that just remember that you deserve so much better than that like never forget that somebody has messaged another girl saying oh my god i can't believe we've been friends for this time and i've never even pissed off asking for a snapchat what what were your intentions with that we all know and you deserve better than that because you're unreal and if somebody can treat you like that and not fight for you good fucking riddance that's what i say love you babe all right amazing dilemmas today guys thank you so much for sending them in oh have the best time let's wrap up the episode stay for the outro okay who stayed who stayed for the outro who does always stay for the outro because i do wonder if how many people go oh it's the end of the episode i'll just skip to the next podcast or

put some tunes on or turn it off you know also i'd like to know how many people listen to it in one sitting and who comes back to it i'd love to know anyway guys thank you so much for listening to this episode i hope you all enjoyed it i've loved being here chatting with you all i will be in tenerife when you listen to this how unreal was that i would have had a safe flight it's landed lovely nice soft gentle landing no no problems with the luggage we all got there safely and we will return home safely all right i'm nervous you wait till i tell you about the flights you know i like to dramatize everything all right guys I love you so much and I'll speak to you on Friday for a brand new episode all right I love you bye We'll see you next time. Select plans even include data overage protection so you can go all out without going over.

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