Leah on the Line - Bonus 60: The BREAK UP ADVICE episode! Breaking a trauma bond, deleting photos & healing

Episode Date: October 12, 2023

Hey babes! Welcome back to another episode of Leah on the Line. Thank you so much for all of your love and support on the podcast, it honestly means the world to me. I hope you love this one!Head to leahontheline.com to send in your dilemmas and confessions. Love you! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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It's getting closer to midnight. I try to get closer to you. Hello. Hi, hi everyone. Welcome back to a brand new episode of Lear on the Line. Happy Friday. Happy Friday, everybody. How are you? How's everybody today? I am in the midst of my last minute holiday prep. I've woken up today with the most banging headache I've had in a long time it's like shooting up from my neck it's so fucking annoying it's honestly awful but anyway so yeah I'm in the midst of my holiday prep and I got my holiday nails right I was always a long long pretty long I guess not that long long oval nail girl with like a rounded tip

or just like solid color, you know, maybe the odd nail. Today, well recently, I got short square and I thought life is actually so much easier because these long nails, they're fucking lethal. Do you know how many times I injure myself with long nails so anyway this time i've got short square little french white french tip little classic and i feel is this is this when you know you're at the age where you like are a woman and not a girl like this is giving woman do you know what i mean like i could be married these nails are giving wife they're giving mom it's just giving mature adults and kind of living for it do you ever like deep your age like imagine being 18 and meeting a 26 year old you'd think jesus you're old man because i remember when i was 22 and i was with

this guy and he had a young sister and she was like 18 17 18 and i was 22 and she was like you're so old at the time that it was like thank you so much like at the time it was like oh my god she thinks i'm like old like it's like a good thing now if somebody said to me like oh my God, she thinks I'm like old. Like it's like a good thing. Now, if somebody said to me like, oh my God, you're old. I'd be like, right, someone better hold me back. So I'm going to punch this bitch up. Not her. I love her. I would never punch.

Let's be for real. I'd never fucking punch anyone in my life. Do you know, me and my siblings used to fight so aggressively when we was young. Like genuinely so aggressively. It was young, like genuinely so aggressively. It was shockingly aggressive. And I'm not, I'm not a fighter. Listen, I'm a lover, not a fighter, but something was just like flipping me, flick, flip, switch. Something was just like switching me when I was a kid and I could just see red, mate. Anyway, this episode. So you guys may remember I did a breakup episode when I was going through

a breakup and a lot of that was about my own breakup and then the rest of the episode was about you know it was quite deep it was quite serious it was quite emotional it was about understanding our feelings processing a breakup you know and I wanted to do because I get a lot of people saying we need more breakup episodes I need breakup advice I'm going through a breakup, you know. And I wanted to do, because I get a lot of people saying we need more breakup episodes, I need breakup advice, I'm going through a breakup right now. So I thought, where I'm not emotionally in that position now, I'm like, I can't do an episode like I did then, because emotionally I was there, I was in it. So I thought, what else can I do breakup wise? And then I thought, I can still, we can still talk

breakups. We can still talk healing, trauma, you know, emotional, whatever, breakup. Yeah. Without me being there. So I am really looking forward to this episode because I put a couple of stories up. I've asked you guys for your best breakup advice, the worst breakup advice you've ever received. We've got some breakup dilemmas. So it's just going to be a big breakup focus episode, babies, you know. So I'm really looking forward to it. I hope you guys are too. If you are going for a breakup right now, hopefully this will help you in some way. Or, you know, in the future, if you can take something from this, if you're ever in a position where you're going for a breakup, hopefully none of you are. Us, hopefully none of us are. But, you know, it's just hopefully whether you're ever in a position where you're going for a breakup hopefully none of you are us hopefully none of us are but you know it's just hopefully whether you're going for a breakup

or not you might be able to enjoy this episode because you can relate i'm sure we'll have a little giggle in between so yeah i hope you guys really enjoy this episode thank you so much for tuning in and for being in my company today and thank you so much for having me in your company whatever it is that you're getting up to so happy to be here together and also if you have a minute please leave a rating on spotify five star only okay if you don't think five star keep it to yourself right no one asked no they did but if you do have a minute it would really help me out i love you so much okay let's get into the episode thank you so much for listening to Lear on the Line. Head to learontheline.com to send in your dilemmas and confessions. Remember to follow

on socials to see visual clips and get involved with the weekly debates. Enjoy the episode. Love okay guys so the breakup episode let's just fucking dive in so I had a proper brainstorm about this episode because I was like I want it to have good vibes because obviously the last one I do feel like it was such a positive episode the last breakup episode and I want to keep that vibe but obviously like I said I'm not emotionally going through a breakup right now like I was then I mean to be fair when I recorded that episode I'd managed to come out the other side so that's what made me feel ready to film that episode but I was still in the midst of a breakup if you know what I mean so yeah this one I feel like is going to be from an obviously more of an outside perspective that's why I wanted to pull you guys into it so the stories I put up on

Instagram the first one is what is the worst piece of advice you've ever been given when going through a breakup so let's have a little look there are a lot of responses to this which means we've all had some bad advice in our time and I'm sure we can all relate to some of these so let's have a little look. There are a lot of responses to this, which means we've all had some bad advice in our time. And I'm sure we can all relate to some of these. So let's have a little read. Okay. Um, okay. When people slag off your ex, yeah, it's not helpful, is it? Like you're like, oh, he ended it with me or, oh, I've, I've ended the relationship. And they're like oh he ended it with me or oh i've ended the relationship and they're like do you know what he is a piece of shit i never liked him anyway he is a prick it's like okay yeah thank you thank you it's really not helpful yeah so true definitely agree oh this is a classic really just forget about him I'm trying oh my god that is fucking genius just forget about him okay I'll give it my best shot okay oh you just need to sleep with someone

else to get over him does this work does this work let me know what you guys think I mean to be fair it's a bit late but what do you guys think does it work hmm what you guys think. I mean, to be fair, it's a bit late, but what do you guys think? Does it work? What do I think about that? I think low-key, it does, depending on why you're hurt. If you feel hurt because you feel rejected, it can low-key kind of help. If you're hurt because you feel like they're your soulmate and you want to be with them, yeah, I can't imagine it would be very helpful, but okay. That they always come back.

Get that hope out of your heart and heal, Bessie. Okay, it is so true because I say they always come back, they always come back, but the way I say it is when they do, we don't fucking want them anymore. Do you know what I mean? Not in terms of like, don't worry, just stay there and wait and they'll come back and you'll get back together. No, no, no. You're so right. That is never the mentality. My mentality towards they always come back is don't worry about what he's doing or what she's doing, who they're following, who they're seeing, who they're sleeping with because they will send

you a fucking message at some point and this will happen and this will happen and none of these feelings will be there then so yeah when i say they always come back i don't mean it in terms of wait for them yeah yeah i'm i'm saying let it go they'll come fucking running back mate and it's too late you know um people asking if you miss them and it's okay to get back mate and it's too late, you know. People asking if you miss them and it's okay to get back together but it's really not. Do you know, apparently almost 50% of breakups end up back together. Did you know that? I don't know how true that is. I saw it online but I would believe it. I don't think, no that's not true but I was gonna say I don't think I've ever been with someone and not got back together briefly but no I have broken up with someone and

that just in the end of it to be fair but I I can believe that I think it's really easy to go back to somebody because breakups are really hard breakupsups are so hard. And you think the way this feeling is going to go away is we get back together, you know? Plenty more fish in the sea. Oh, classic. Thank you. What a relief. No. Do you not think I know that? Do you not think I'm aware of the fact that there are billions of other people I could be in a relationship with? Do you not think I know that do you not think I'm aware of the fact that there are billions of other people I could be in a relationship with do you not think I'm aware that is not why I'm upset right now oh that is the worst get on tinder yeah that's the worst you might get back together yeah like fucking hell you can do better anyway doesn't help at all yeah no it doesn't oh my god he was punching anyway it was punching anyway yeah i know that i know that

um if you stop communicating it will make it so much harder yeah but i'm trying to get over him yeah oh my god you need to stop talking about it that is the worst if you are going through a breakup a real friend you can talk about it over and over and over and over and over i get it it gets to the point where it's like right bessie we are not going to be able to get him off your mind if we sit here and talk about him every second of every day but at the same time you don't want to make someone feel like they've got to go through it in private and have no one they can turn to like you want to as a friend you want to make your friend feel like no matter how many times they've mentioned his or her name

in one day you're not getting sick of it you are here to listen and to support no matter how much they need to talk about it you know um get with other people yeah yeah when someone says things like i told you so oh my god that's the worst that is the worst especially when it's in a kind of relationship where you know whilst you're in the relationship you know everyone's doubting you and you're trying to prove yourself as a couple and then you do break up and you don't want to tell people because people will think oh I bloody saw that one coming do you know what I mean and they're like yeah I could have seen that coming anyway babe oh that's good that's good then I suppose okay um yeah a lot of the get under someone to get over someone worse advice doesn't work

distract yourself no you gotta let yourself feel all your emotions otherwise it hits you worse later yeah i do agree i do agree i think distracting yourself can be positive to some extent because i don't think for a long period of time it's good to be wallowing in bed under your duvet like I think at some point we have to go okay it's been this amount of time I gotta do something about the way I'm feeling now do you know what I mean but I definitely agree that from day one if we're distracting ourselves we are push we are pushing down these feelings that we need to process and heal from. So yeah, you're right. I agree with you. When someone just says it will be okay. Oh my God. Yeah, so true. Do you know what? I'm surprised not one of you was sent in unless I've missed it anyway. But from what I've

seen, I haven't yet read time is the biggest healer. Like, it's just not helpful. It's just not. Like, okay, brilliant. What am I supposed to do until then? Do you know what I mean? When they go, time heals everything, but you just have to, you know, time is the biggest healer. I know that. I know that. Do you not think I've heard that from 50 people today? I know that. It's not helping me. Oh my God, sorry, the audio peaked so loud. It's so annoying when somebody says that. And do you know what? I say it to people myself. Do you know why? Because it is true. It is true. Time is the biggest healer. But when you're in the midst of it it ain't helpful it's not

helpful do you know what i mean okay and then i thought let's switch it up what is the best piece of advice you've received when going through a breakup so let's see because this could be very helpful to anybody going through it right now okay oh my god do you want to know what the first one is i've scrolled to the very bottom do you know what the first one is? I've scrolled to the very bottom. Do you want to know what the first one is? Time heals. It's genuinely true. See, yeah, it is true, but I don't think it's helpful at the time because you want the feelings to, you want to hear something that's going to make you feel better in that moment. You know what I mean? Delete them off everything so you're not tempted to look at their stuff still. Do you know what? It is so true. It is so true. Ignorance is bliss. But at the same time, I think when you want to look, there is always a fucking way. You can block them, but you can make an

account. You can ask your friend to have a look. You can whatever. Like there is always a way. So blocking them is all well and good, right? But there is always a way around it if you really want to look. And you know what I find is I, when I get something in my head, I need to know. So if I haven't thought about somebody for weeks, and then I'll go, I wonder if they're talking to anybody. Maybe if I just check their following, it might help me figure that out. And then I'll be no there's no point I've not thought about them for weeks why look and then I'll carry on for my day and I think I've got no I've just got no now but then I guess that's when I'm really moved forward and I'm genuinely just fucking curious do you know what I mean

but yeah I do believe block ignorance is bliss but i just think it's one of them things where blocking is all well and good but you you need willpower at the same time okay what else we got um you're better off being alone than in a relationship and still feeling lonely or or in bad company so fucking true do you know what i think you feel lonelier if you're feeling lonely when you're not alone does that make sense like there's difference between being alone and being lonely like to feel alone to be completely alone and feel lonely is one thing to to be in a relationship or like living with someone and feel lonely is way harder because I don't know I don't know why it just is because I guess when you're alone and you feel lonely you can make sense of that and it just makes sense well yeah

of course I feel lonely I'm fucking alone do you know what I mean but to be in a relationship to be like next to somebody in bed at night and feel lonely is heartbreaking like it is it's a scary feeling like it's it's horrible but yeah you are better off being alone than to be lonely in a relationship um they're not your person if it doesn't work out yeah it sounds simple and it kind of to some people would be like that's not helpful because I'm upset because I want them to be my person you know but I think I said this in the last breakup episode I think it's so it's it's a Matt Healy thing but I can't remember it but I put it in my own words basically it's okay to be really sad and gutted about the fact that this whole future you had planned, you idealized and you envisioned is not going to happen anymore.

And it's okay to grieve that idea. But don't sit there in your body thinking that your life isn't going in the way that it was supposed to go. And you were supposed to be with that person and you were supposed to have that future because you weren't you just you had that idea and yeah it's sad to let that idea go because it's not going to be that way anymore but you can't look at it as if that was the way it was meant to be because it isn't because if it was it would have you know does that make sense um keeping busy is the best thing to do and zero contact see somebody says the best advice is to get over someone by getting under someone just thing i guess everyone is so different and how they heal right um trust the process everything happens for a reason whatever is meant for you won't pass you yeah i do agree i do agree my comfort in life when i feel like everything is going to shit

right whether that be in your job in a relationship but anything but especially in a breakup I surrender to the universe and I say okay babes listen I know you're doing your thing I know you're looking out for me can't quite make sense of it at this current point but I know that I will and I always can I always look back and go oh my god I thought xyz but actually the universe made abc happen and thank fuck it did do you know what i mean does that make any sense to anybody because what i've learned right is when you're in a situation where you think there is no way i have the strength to get to go through that to get through it you know when you're in a relationship and you feel it ending or it has ended and you think there's no way I am gonna be strong enough to be okay like I'm gonna be in a dark place if this ends and what I've learned is you're so much

stronger than you think and when you're in it day by day and you think I'm just fucking here getting through this like next time I'm I'm faced with a situation where I'm like fuck me I do not have the strength now I've just learned that you do and you just do like you just get through things and sometimes they're nowhere near as hard as you imagine them to be do you know what I mean so now I just surrender to the universe and I say I'm just trusting the process you know like you said um somebody said you'll look back in a month and wonder why you were so upset I found this so true yeah that is exactly the case that is exactly the case that's kind of what I was trying to say actually yeah you

heard it that well um somebody says would you let your daughter get treated like this if no walk away see this is a really good thing I always hear people say look at your partner and say would I be okay with my daughter being in a relationship with someone exactly like this person and that's when you know that's what I've always heard obviously I don't have a daughter yeah hopefully um but yeah I thought that was such a powerful thing to say because you always want the best for the people that you love especially your own children right so if you'd look at your partner and say if there was somebody just like you i would not want them to be my daughter's partner

that kind of says a lot do you know what i mean so yeah i saw that on tiktok i can't remember who said that but yeah just like you said I like it um feel your emotions there is no wrong emotion only wrong actions okay I kind of get it but at the same time I don't believe in punishing yourself for the way that you act in a breakup because breakups are really hard and emotions are hard to navigate and it's really natural to act on emotions sometimes so I just think it's really important not to go hard on yourself and be like, I wish I didn't send that text. Or I wish I didn't do this. I wish I didn't go back to them.

I wish I didn't go back and sleep with them. Like whatever it is that you think, oh shit, I shouldn't have done that. I just truly believe in forgiving yourself. However, whatever decisions you make, forgiving yourself for them. Because breakups are really hard to navigate and it's all part of your healing process and your letting go process so agree and disagree at the same time to be fair um get angry it can hinder your healing journey because sometimes anger is it can it can distract you from healing because you're just fucking mad and then you act

in a way that like I said you you should never regret how you act but then I think if you're purposely getting angry you can look back and say I'm not proud of that do you know what I mean which is also fine but I think it's good to get angry to an extent but not not too far with it do you know what I mean someone says just take your time honestly that is i think if you're going for a breakup and somebody says to you just take your time it would it would feel nice because at the end of the day i think when you're in a breakup sometimes everyone's trying to convince you to just just fucking be all right and it's okay to not be it's okay to be fucking bed bound and be feeling awful and just be dying to text them dying to call them

and that's okay you know like you said just take your time one day at a time let's just breathe through it and i remember my best friend said to me like i'm gonna drag you through this by your fucking hair like do not worry about a thing like you no matter what you're gonna get through it do you know what i mean and like i said it sounds you feel like at the time it's going to be so much harder than it is, but a lot of the time, not all the time, but a lot of the time you think, oh, I thought, I thought I would feel way worse than I do, you know? But yeah, take it slow. I agree. Let yourself feel what you need to feel. Don't pressure yourself to get over it yes exactly okay um just cry allow yourself to feel the emotion and slowly you'll get there don't hold

it back yeah i agree um the pain will just get less and less over time it is true it is true but one thing as well is i always say to anybody going for a breakup don't feel like you're going backwards ever you're always going forwards right so say one day you're on the floor you're crying your eyes out you want to be with them you can only think about all the good times you think you've made a big mistake or you just want them to want you blah blah blah and the next day you think I fucking hate that prick there's no way i'm going back to them no fucking way and then the next day it's oh my god i'm on the floor i just want to be with them don't feel like you've gone backwards because yesterday you felt stronger each day you're going

to change you're going to feel different one day you're going to feel like you know what i wish them all the best no hard feelings the next day you're gonna think i fucking hate them the next day you're gonna feel like i just want to be with them i just want to be with them and the day after you're gonna be like i don't feel much today you know i'm just feeling pretty calm pretty level i'm not really thinking about it today and the next day it's i want to be with them it is all part of the journey and it's never backwards it's all part you're always going forwards. Every day that you get through in a breakup

is always one step forward, one day at a time, you know. If you wanna text him, give yourself a hall pass and say, in a week or two weeks time, I'm allowed to message them. It will stop you from texting and when you get to a week or two weeks later, you won't want to message them. That is brilliant advice, i'm not gonna lie i think it's actually really it's so true that when you feel like you can't text them we have agreed i'm never texting them again

you want to do it more and you feel like i I think the lack of freedom to do it makes it more upsetting and makes it harder. Whereas if you say to yourself, right, in a week or two weeks, I'm going to send this message. You can even write it down in your notes to get it off your chest, right? Don't send it at this point. Like she says, give it a week or two. Look at the message. Do you still feel that? Do you still want to a week or two. Look at the message. Do you still feel that? Do you still want to send that message? Probably not. Probably not. Do you know what I mean? It's a really good idea. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to

$20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers. Hi, it's Fido. Start the semester with a new phone and a plan full of data without breaking your budget. We have everything you need for an A-plus year. Come check out our special back-to-school offers.

They'll leave you with more cash in your pocket for the stuff you love. Select plans even include data overage protection so you can go all out without going over don't wait our back to school offers are only available for a limited time go to fido.ca or a final store near you and save all semester long fido at your side um outside out of mind delete them on everything outside out of mind there's always a reason why you broke up and you'll understand it in time yes absolutely like i said about like the universe knows what it's doing and you just gotta say i'm sure it will all make sense eventually okay now i've said what are your top tips when feeling heartbroken okay so it's kind of similar to what's the best advice you've received but i'm talking when you genuinely are in the day of

i am on the floor i'm heartbroken when you're having your bad days what are your top tips what helps you okay someone says distraction surrounding myself with people and knowing it's okay to cry yeah absolutely wallow let yourself feel the pain fully and no contact is a must let it hurt let it heal a hundred percent go through the motions and give yourself time yeah let it hurt let it heal spend time on yourself take yourself a coffee find a new hobby discover your happy self. Yeah. Do you know what? I love taking myself a coffee. I absolutely love it. I genuinely, genuinely do. Cry. Talk to your friends. Seriously remember that you're not alone. Listen to Lear on the line. Oh, thank you. I love you. Self-care, skincare routine,

healthy foods, gym, spending time with family, 100, do you know what really helps me, right, I, what helped me was getting really in touch with my spiritual side, no fucking joke, I bought all the crystals you could imagine, I bought the healing, everything I needed for healing, self-love, you know, healing from relationships, blah blah independence like all of that right i bought them all fucking charged them in the moonlight i was gagging for it at this point i was like come on help me help me help me i bought a deck of carol well tarot cards i bought a deck of tarot cards and i would give myself readings all the time and i'm not kidding you when i tell you they were so fucking accurate

it was wild like they would just be talking they would just be bang on like it would say like you're stepping into a new direction you know you're letting go of things you're about to step into your higher self and even though like so many people listen to this might be like, are you fucking for real? Like you want me to get some tarot cards? It makes you feel so empowered. Just reading that you're stepping into the right direction and stuff like that and understanding your emotions and stuff. And then I spoke to Summer Fox, who is an amazing TikToker, right? She is, I don't know what it is. I was drawn to her for like big sister advice it was really weird like we'd never spoken before and I just sent her a message and I was like I'm going through this right now what's your advice to me because at this time she was making a

lot of content about like emotional healing and stuff and she said to me to journal and I'd never journaled before I've never I don't journal now like it was literally a temporary thing but it helped me so much and I would date it every single day and I would say how I'm feeling that day and I'd say you know I wanted to text them today I wanted to say this and then the next day I'll be like I don't feel anything today or they text me or blah blah blah like and each day I would journal and then I would look back and I'd be like god I cannot believe this time last week I was feeling like that because I think if I didn't write it down I'd forget what I was actually feeling that day and yeah looking at it I was like fucking hell that's crazy and now I'm

all right compared to that do you know what I mean so yeah that really helped me as well okay so my next story was what have your previous breakups taught you? So I think, I think this is so important. Like it's really important to try and take something from every difficult experience that you go through. Okay. So let's have a little look what you guys have said. Um, it literally can't hurt forever. It gets a little bit easier every single day. Um, to know, sorry guys, my my goodness to know my worth and no one is worth losing yourself for yes that i'm strong af same i think that's what i learned that is probably the biggest takeaway for me as well oh trust your intuition even if it doesn't make sense everything

happens for a reason to set boundaries yes breaking the cycle of toxicity for future healthy relationships yes i love that okay that i deserved better and that your actual person could never treat you bad went from the most controlling exhausting relationship to someone that treats me like a princess every day and i've never been more grateful for a relationship to end yes exactly trust your gut I knew from the beginning of the relationship that it was going to end one day that's crazy you soon realize it's it's not your loss it's theirs and time's a healer just because you have chemistry doesn't mean you're also compatible that is so true I love that from you oh guys I love this one no matter

how much you think you won't love again you will yeah it feels like that can't it it's like no one's gonna love me the same way or I'm never gonna love somebody the way that I love them yeah you will babe um that I was basing my whole happiness off of them and not being independent. Yeah, I think when you come out of a relationship and you realize why it was so painful, whether that be like, I made them my whole world or all of my happiness depended on you. My mood depended on how you were treating me that day. If you were being nice to me that day, I was going to have a good day. If you were moody that day, I was going nice to me that day i was gonna have a good day if you were moody that day i was gonna feel shit that day when you come out of that and you look back you can say i will never ever give someone that power again that is a big big thing to learn and take away um don't change

your morals or what you want in a relationship yes exactly um to stay the fuck away from narcissists for sure um good friends are important don't lose your friends for a relationship oh my god i can't even tell you how true that is your friends are so important um never assume oh interesting yes i like it that the only person who is always going to be there for you is you to follow your gut it never lies it hurts but in hindsight it's worth it there's so much better out there um don't trust people too easily oh that sometimes the breakup is the happy ending oh i love that i love that so much oh my god that's amazing so true um everyone's just basically saying my wife i learned my wife that is amazing i love you i'm so proud of you all okay and then i put up a poll okay saying would you rather

be broken up with or break up with someone and I know a lot of your listeners be like is that a fucking question obviously no one wants to be broken up with so the poll is have a little think what you think it's going to be because I'm actually shocked at the results so we have 66 percent have said they'd rather break up with someone and 34% would rather be broken up with. And you know what? I think I'm not a hundred percent, but I think I'd rather be broken up with. And let me tell you why. I think when you break up with someone, up with someone I find that those breakups can be harder because you even though you did it you have less power sometimes so when I'm broken up with I find power in being like they don't want to be with me do you know what I mean like I know that's really weird because

that should make you feel gutted and sad but I find some sort of power in it of like they don't want to fucking be with me and I can turn that mentally I'm quite good at turning that into you know their fucking loss sort of vibes whereas if I'm breaking up with someone I think I personally would drive myself insane whether I've made the right or wrong decision and it's too late do you know what I mean like if I've ended a relationship I'm scared that I'm gonna regret it and they're not gonna want to be with me and then I'm fucking rejected and it's my fault do you know what I mean whereas if someone breaks up with me that's when I can do the whole all right fuck you then do you know what I mean? Does that make

any sense? Is that toxic? Am I the drama? But can anyone relate to that? I don't know. I'm not sure. But yeah, 66% would rather break up with someone, which I do understand. I'm not 100% on my answer because realistically, breaking up with someone, you feel less rejection but it depends on whether you whether you can turn that rejection into power in your brain you know okay so they were my instagram stories and then i asked you guys to send in any breakup dilemmas so i'm gonna start just straight away with this one my boyfriend and i of two years very recently broke up my question is when did you feel ready to delete or archive Instagram photos currently it all feels too raw to do it and it's not like I'm going to get into anything serious right now but they can't stay on

there forever what makes it harder is it was no one's fault no one cheated or anything we just began to have different values and goals for our future. I'm heartbroken nonetheless and struggled to look at these photos, but also can't bring myself to remove them yet. Sorry for the ramble. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you and love you lots. I love you so much. Okay, so do you know what? I think it's so normal. And do you know what I think? If someone deletes pictures on their social media immediately after a breakup, it's given toxic. And I'll tell you why. Because what are you trying to gain from doing that immediately? Is that a statement saying, I don't fucking want to be with you ever again? It's over? Is it a statement saying, I want you to know that I'm presenting myself as single straight away. Or is it a public

announcement of I'm on the fucking market? I'm available, you know, me and my expo cup everybody, you know. And I think to do that immediately, for me, it's giving toxic because like I'm saying I don't know what you're trying to get out of it that isn't giving prick you know so in my experience I think I will take photos down of my social media um when I'm ready for questions I'm ready for questioning do you know what I mean so I didn't feel the need to take them down whilst I was dealing with it in private and then as soon as I got to the point where it's fully over you know we we might not be in contact anymore or whatever that is when the photos come down I'm ready for people to start assuming or people to start oh I thought she was with blah blah there's no pictures and when I'm just ready for that

so yeah I don't know I don't know why people do it early maybe it's maybe it's a case of like you're trying to accept it so you just fucking get rid get rid get rid do you know what I mean I don't want your face on my Instagram anymore it's over I can see why people would would do it in that way but for me I was just ready to take them down when I was ready and it wasn't deep um deleting off my camera roll for me in my experience I'm not someone that like scrolls back through photos and videos like I'm not someone that does that so they weren't having an effect on me in my healing journey if I was somebody that would reminisce a lot and lay in bed at night scrolling through our old photos I think that's when it's like we've

got to get rid of these because it's not helpful but yeah luckily I'm just not someone that does that so I took mine down when it had been a long time and I was going through my camera and I was like oh my fucking god I've got loads of shit of of my exes on here and then and then I just deleted them all but yeah I think there is no right time until it feels right for you until you feel ready and ask yourself why you might be holding on to them if that is the case because I wasn't holding on to mine I just it never actually came to my brain to go through and remove them all until I saw it and I was like what the fuck so I think when it feels right and if you feel like you're holding on to them because you don't want to let go of the memories it does have to get to a point where you're like you know what I'm gonna do a cleanse

I'm gonna go through the camera roll and I'm gonna do a cleanse and yeah you can have a little cry while you do it and it can feel sad because you're letting go of an extra piece of that relationship. But it's all part of it. And just do it when it feels right for you and when you feel empowered by that move rather than, you know, it's going to make you feel weaker or more vulnerable. Do you know what I mean? Okay, next one. Hi, Leah. Me and my ex of nine months broke up in April, six months ago.

We both agreed it was very much a right person wrong time situation i didn't believe in this until it happened to me and i'm struggling with the choices i now have manifesting him back believing in divine timing and waiting for my soulmate reunion or accepting fully that the relationship is over and believing that there is no going back i've been trying to manifest him back and I've fully tried to move on from the situation but neither have been possible so far. I just cannot help but think that he is my twin flame and with all the angel numbers I'm seeing, the connection we had and the thought of us not being friends again just makes me wonder whether it's worth holding on to hope. I'd appreciate your advice on how to handle the situation. We have seen each other since and been friendly but it's just a weird vibe we don't message and i'm not sure if he'd

ever want to reconcile but he isn't but he is mature enough to be nice to me if i were to reach out i believe we are meant to be in each other's lives even if it's just on a friendship level am i living in dreamland trying to manifest my ex am i holding on to something that's not for me anymore or do i move on completely and forget the idea of twin flames soulmates please help us dress girly out missing her bestest friend and is a little delulu okay babe i think in a twin flame situation you don't have to manifest them back so if it is your twin flame obviously the twin flame is classic to have a push pull situation you know you're in and out in and out so i think if if he is your twin flame no manifestation is needed you do not need to manifest him back into your life a twin flame will come

back into your life i think we need to take a deep breath and relax. Do you know what I mean? Like let's stop. I think your brain is going a thousand miles per hour. I think when we're stuck between, are we going to get back together one day? And should I let go forever? The best thing to do is take one day at a time and let the universe take its take control take control of the wheel you sit in the passenger seat you know and just take one day at a time one day at a time feel what you're feeling each day i think journal as well might be really good for you if you don't have tarot cards i think you by the sounds of you would really benefit from it so you can do like a five card spread of what you need to hear right now you can do a past present

future spread and i genuinely believe it'll be really helpful for you because you're obviously very spiritual by the sounds of it so i don't know if you have been doing this yet or not but i think let go of the manifesting let let go of manifesting your ex, manifest happiness, security and independence, manifest happiness in yourself, invest in yourself and not this person, everything else will just align. So I think rather than, right, I'm just going to forget about him, I'm just going to forget about him or I'm going to do the fucking pillow method every night, right under my pillow, he will come back to me, he will come back to me, I'm gonna do the fucking pillow method every night right under my pillow he will come back to me he will come back to me I'm so grateful that he came back to me we need to manifest I am so grateful for all the success in my life I'm so grateful for my financial abundance I'm so grateful for

my health and my happiness and my friends and my family you know let's manifest everything else in your life that is important to you and let the rest just take shape. You know, that's my advice to you, babe. I love you so much. All right, let's do one more. Hey, lovely Leah. Oh, I love that. I'm loving that. Lovely Leah. Thank you. First of all, I love you in the pod. Your advice has helped me so much since I became a listener last year. Oh my God, that's so amazing. That actually makes me feel so happy. I love you.

This one is a breakup dilemma. It's a bit of a long story. Okay, we love the long ones. I've just broken up. No, I've been broken up with my boyfriend. Let's call him Ethan for a month and I'm really struggling. We hadn't been together that long, but the relationship was very intense and I spent every day with him. I'd only been single for a few months when I met Ethan after coming out of a very

long relationship with someone who turned out to be a big fat cheater. But the chemistry with Ethan was undeniable and we fell for each other very quickly. But Ethan was a red flag. He had a really bad temper and would argue with me all the time to the point where he'd end up shouting in my face um relax ethan get the fuck out my face he was also very controlling and would gaslight me making me feel awful for things like seeing my friends but after calming down he'd always see the error of his ways and would apologize profusely obviously textbook narcissist babe textbook right but under the temper ethan was also very loving and sweet too there were so many good moments where he made me feel like the most special girl ever and he made me feel good about things i was insecure about i think i thought if i loved him

enough he'd stop being an angry person oh babe that actually makes me so sad eventually the bad times outweighed the good and i finally came to the realization he was never going to change it was honestly such a traumatic breakup honestly i'm gonna say to you to how long were you together oh i don't think you actually said um no but honestly I'm really proud of you because it can take a long time to get to that point and that's amazing to be honest okay it was honestly such a traumatic breakup anyway one month later and I still feel as shit as I did at the start the breakup with my other ex was nowhere near as painful as this. I remember being at one month back then,

and I was living my best single life. But right now, I'm romanticizing all the good times with Ethan. He has tried to get in contact with me numerous times. He's now been blocked for a few weeks, which itself was a tough thing to do. You are strong, can I just say that? But the temptation to reach out to him is so strong because i miss him so much which probably sounds deluded given the bad things i've described

i guess my dilemma is what do i do now i didn't expect to be feeling this bad a month on i feel stuck i really wish i didn't still love him i really want to reach out to him and i'm so desperate to see him i'm not sure what advice i'm looking for so sorry that you've had to read all this i have i guess i want to know if i'm finally giving into the need to contact him sorry if finally giving into the need to contact him it will be a massive mistake sorry it's a long one love from a sad girly oh i just want to give you a big hug okay this is it's given trauma bonded listen i'm not a psychologist i'm not a relationship expert so please i'm not i'm not talking facts here but this is just my opinion right from what i can read and just drawing in

my own experience and the very little knowledge i have on relationship psychology is it's kind of just given trauma bond okay so to anyone that doesn't know what a trauma bond is it's essentially let me give an example it's kind of like the push-pull method but intense right so it's it's the idea that someone keeps breaking me but they are the only one that can fix me right so they will treat you like shit, whether it's, you know, Ethan is shouting in her face and I can't remember what else you said, but yeah, he's got bad temper and he's shouting in your face and he's controlling and gaslighting, right? And then you feel on the floor, you're upset, you're distraught, right? And you're crying and you feel pain. you are in emotional pain

and then Ethan comes back I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that I can see exactly where I've gone wrong and he takes away all that pain in the click of his fingers because he has just said everything you wanted him to say right and it feels so good when they take that pain away. The high, the dopamine is so fucking good because the low was so low, right? And we get into this trauma bonded situation where you break me, you fix me, you break me, you fix me, you break me, you fix me, you break me, you fix me. And then eventually you just break me, right? And that is so hard because we are addicted to that fix. We are addicted to that feeling that you get when they make it all better and they take it all away

and they say, sorry, and they say, I love you. You're everything to me. I can't believe I've done this to you. I'm so disappointed in myself. I'll never do this to you again. I love you. I wanna marry you. I wanna spend my life with you.

And it feels so good, right? Because they made you feel so bad. And I feel like that sounds, I don't know for a fact, but it sounds like this kind of situation. And it's a classic way to feel when you say, if I love you enough, you will love me enough to stop being angry. If you love me enough, you will stop being angry if you love me enough you will stop being angry at me right and that's why when they let you down and they're angry at you and they shout at you and they control you and whatever you feel unloved because you think how if you loved me you wouldn't do this to me i want to make you love me more and i want you to love me more because i love you i want you to love me more so this can stop because

it feels like it's in touch and distance, right? The perfect relationship. All we want, all I want, all we got to do is you got to stop shouting at me and gaslighting me. All we got to do is take that away and it's perfect. We've got the perfect relationship that I want with you. I want it with you and nobody else. Just take this out and it's perfect. And you can see it. You can touch it because you've experienced it. You've lived it. You've had those moments with him. So you stay for that, for those moments, for that feeling, because you want it to be full time because you felt it. You believe it can be right. At the end of the day, I don't know a situation where someone can show you who they are to this level repeatedly and it go away. I don't know. So I think we need to understand that you did the right thing by leaving because this pain that you're feeling now is temporary. Although you're not where you wanted

to be in a month, you will be further along in a month and then a month after that and a month after that the breakup pain is temporary but the relationship the pain the relationship caused you will go on forever until you walk away and that isn't temporary does that make sense and i think the reason you say like i'm romanticizing all the good times is like I said when it's good bad good bad good bad you know break fix break fix the fix feels so fucking good that it's so easy to romanticize how good that felt but if the bad wasn't bad that good wouldn't feel so good it would just feel normal and you wouldn't be able to romanticize how amazing it was because it wouldn't have felt that good if you if they

didn't break you and fix you and break you and fix you does that make sense if this was somebody who was just nice all the time it would be different so yeah it wouldn't feel you wouldn't get such high dopamine levels off of those good moments if the bad moments weren't causing you so much pain does that make any sense um so what i want what i want to say to you is you're desperate to see them if it is a trauma bond situation i'm not sure but if if it is you're desperate to see them because you're you're addicted to the fix and this time there's been no fix, right? We haven't got that, oh, everything's better. He's promised me the world.

He loves me again. Everything's better. We haven't got that feeling, right? So we're craving it. Where the fuck is that feeling? I'm just broken now. There's no fix, right? But you will be the fix.

You will be the person that fixes yourself and therefore in future relationships, you will take that person that fixes yourself and therefore in future relationships you will take that and learn from that and have so much more power and strength in your independence and individuality that somebody won't actually be able to have this effect on you as bad as this guy so i would just say write things down what i want to say to you is write down all the reasons you shouldn't be with this person all the reasons they are not good for you not good enough for you not right for you okay write them all down and when you're romanticizing all the good all the good times all the good shit read that list because at the end of the day you've done the right thing for

yourself you shouldn't be with this person and although it's so easy to just sit there and go oh but when he would do this it was so nice and he was so caring when he wanted to be and he did always show me this and he did do that but we you need to remember all the reasons you're not with him you know it's easy to sit there and tell yourself oh but i miss this stuff and i miss this stuff. You will get all that good stuff from the next person without all the bad, you know. Write down all the reasons they're not right for you. And don't read it all the time because it's not good. It's just negative. But when you are stuck on romanticizing it, read it.

Remind yourself and take power in, do you know what? I'm really fucking strong from walking away from someone that was not serving me i'm a fucking legend mate that's sick so many people wish they could have done that sooner and you're amazing for that so yeah that's my advice to you babe i hope it helps i hope even if this doesn't even if this doesn't feel like your situation if what i'm describing to you like no it isn't that. Maybe anybody listening can understand that and relate to that and hopefully it helps somebody.

But yeah, I love you so much and you will get through it. Just remember you have the strength to get through anything and you will surprise yourself. Believe me, you will surprise yourself. Try journaling, try writing it down, write down the text you wanna send without sending them whatever it is. And heal, feel it, focus on yourself and you want to send without sending them whatever it is and heal

feel it focus on yourself and you will get through it there is absolutely no other way out you will get through it okay i love you so much all right guys i really enjoyed this episode um it kind of was kind of emotional but i've really enjoyed it i really enjoy talking about this stuff i think i find power in it like all connecting together and talking about this stuff. I think I find power in it, like all connecting together and talking about this kind of stuff. I love it. I just love it so much. So thank you so much for listening. You better stay for the outro, babe. Let's wrap up the episode. Okay, guys, thank you for staying for the outro. I love you. I hope you all enjoyed this episode. I hope it was helpful to someone, at least anybody. love you. I hope you all enjoyed this episode. I hope it was

helpful to someone, at least anybody. If not, I hope you just enjoyed having a little girly catch up, having a chat with me. I definitely did. I hope you all have an amazing week, whatever it is that you are getting up to. Will I be on holiday when you listen to this? No, not yet. My flight will be on Sunday. so everybody manifest a safe flight for me stop manifesting your ex's back manifest a safe flight for me instead okay I love you so much and I'll speak to you on Tuesday for a brand new episode all right I love you Hi, it's Fido. Start the semester with a new phone and a plan full of data without breaking your budget. We have everything you need for an A-plus year.

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