Leah on the Line - Confession Diaries 8: My boyfriend got my TAMPON stuck in his braces!

Episode Date: August 4, 2022

Hey honeys! Oh my gosh the confessions were so funny this week, I absolutely love you guys and your crazy antics. Keep the confessions coming! Thank you so much for all the love on the podcast recently, I can't tell you how much it means. As always send in your confessions/dilemmas to [e-mail]. Love you! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello hey everyone welcome back to a brand new episode of leah on the line happy what day is this friday happy friday it's the confession diaries Who's been up to no good? I haven't. I'm an angel. I actually wish I had some dirty confessions. I always get DMs from you lot being like, when are you going to start confessing on the Confession Diaries then, hey? And listen, I've got no tea to spill. I'm just so good. But to be fair, I feel like I do tell you a lot of my stories, especially from when I was young teen, crazy teen, you know, when I was just young, wild and free, young, dumb and full of fill the gap what did you guys think I was gonna say fun correct so how are you how's things what's going on your lives what's new what's new in my life um not a

lot actually same old hun same old really so confession from me actually I forgot to put up an Instagram story saying some of your confessions so I'm only running off the emails which you know I say this every week and I sound like a broken record and I apologize but I don't get enough confessions I get a lot of dilemmas because a lot of you for some reason think that I give good advice or at least maybe you just want some advice you don't necessarily think that I'm going to be good do you actually listen to my advice out of curiosity like do you do I like sit here for like 10 minutes responding to your dilemmas and you're just like yeah not gonna do it or are you like yeah you know what

Leah you're right I'm gonna take that advice I'm gonna go out tomorrow and I'm gonna do exactly what you said or you just like Leah that is the worst fucking advice I've ever received in my life I'm never writing into Leah on the line ever again just out of curiosity also if you do take my advice or don't please send us updates because I always get dms from people being like can you get an update from that girl that got fingered in the toilet do you know what I mean things like that I don't know if we've had a confession saying that but whatever anyway so yeah I'm only running off the emails but apparently the emails we don't get many confessions I think I've got about 10 since last week because obviously I can't read out the old ones do you know what I mean we've

already read them out so I'm gonna have to go for some uh maybe a shorter episode no I'm not gonna say that because then all of you are gonna get the up with me and then you're not gonna listen joking I'm gonna make this really long like an hour anyway let's just dive into the first confession hope you're having a good Friday what are you doing this weekend are you going out I'm not doing anything this weekend actually I am I'm going to watch my brother play football and stare at all the good-looking boys on the football pitch joking um apart from that I'm gonna get drunk actually I'm joking. Apart from that, I'm going to get drunk, actually. I'm having drinks and games at my mum's house where I live. My house. I live here. I pay rent, actually. Right. I understand I should pay rent and it's fair, but, you know, it hurts. Like, it actually hurts. Like, this is my

home. This is my home, mum. That is hard. Anyway, shut up, everyone. I'm going to read some confessions. Okay, first confession. I was chatting with a boy on Tinder and decided to give him my number, which I never do. He messaged me on Tinder asking why I didn't text him back. Turns out I'd accidentally given him my mum's number. I had to find a way to get onto my mum's phone and delete the message before she saw it. Sorry, little glitch in the mic system there. and delete the message before she saw it sorry little glitch in the mic system there um what i did say was um maybe he was actually meant for your mum and maybe that was the universe putting him with your mother actually maybe is she still with your dad i'm not trying to split up any

any families here actually out of curiosity how many of your families are still like how many of your parents are still like how many of your parents are still like together or married or just in a relationship because i actually don't know that many people whose parents are still together you know isn't that sad that's not looking good for any of us is it really realistically what's the divorce rate isn't it like 50 or something high like that let's ask siri this way she fucking embarrasses me in front of all my friends, like she always does. Hey, Siri.

Oh, my God, I bottled it. What am I asking her? What do I, how do I word this question? Hey, Siri. What percentage of couples get divorced? Okay. People say that 50% of marriages end in divorce right so basically you've got a one in two chance that your marriage is gonna be successful isn't that sad anyway um good luck to any engaged couples out there at the moment uh Uh, you're in my thoughts. Best

wishes. Um, anyway, love the confession. Um, it's quite a funny story actually. Did you tell him? I bet he was like, what's your mum look like? Why are boys like that sometimes? They are weird like that. Like they just automatically fancy your mum before they've even seen her. They'll have this weird thing about mums. Like, yeah, that's where she gets your looks from. And you're like, I literally look nothing like my mum, but okay, carry on, anyway, next confession, hi, so I matched with a lad on Tinder that I used to go to school with, and after a few days of speaking, I went to his house, we ended up having sex, we turned on the light, and the entire bed, and both of us were covered in blood, found out a few weeks later, I had endometriosis, oh my god,

covered in blood found out a few weeks later i had endometriosis oh my god girl i was absolutely mortified came back from a shower and he had changed the bed oh my god put a film on and ordered us some food that is the cutest fucking shit i've ever heard in my life god i'm swearing a lot today aren't i got a lot of internal anger um he told me not to worry about it and gave me a hug oh no that's actually really sweet because i don't think a lot of guys would react like that they were like oh my god it's a murder scene nearly four years later now and we're about to buy a house together best tinder match ever that is the best confession i think i've ever read out on leo on the line that i've never loved a confession more than that the sad thing is he probably thought you were really fucking horny and just dripping wet puss but it's actually I'm bleeding all over your bed so romantic um

I make a lot of these confessions romantic is something I've realized but you know what I love it I'm so happy for you that you're together what a brilliant story congratulations I feel like if you guys were going to get married you'd be in the 50% that don't get divorced anyway next confession okay wow I nearly read out her fucking name then. Sorry. Sorry, Megan. Her name's not Megan. I'm joking. Okay. Hey, Leah, sorry, but this is a shit confession. Okay. Does she mean it's a shit confession or does she mean it's a shit confession? What do you guys think? I think it's about poo. Okay. The 11-year-old girl that shit the bed reminded me of this. Okay, yeah, it's about pay right i was

about the same age and me and my friend had been for a chinese with her fam for her birthday i know where this is going already we got back to hers for a sleepover we used to go to the toilet together every time because we were so close as us girls do and she was on the toilet and i really needed to go and she was finished her wee and just sat there talking I said to her I really need to shit and she was like nah I'm not getting off I literally started pulling her off the toilet saying I'm gonna shit myself she just laughed at me and stayed on the toilet I ended up pissing and shitting myself right in front of her I wanted to go home I was so embarrassed but she said it would ruin her birthday if I left so I stayed slept in the same room as my shitty pants

we're still friends to this day we just laugh about it now it's not quite the secret confession because we tell everyone we meet I mean your friend's a bitch I'm joking it's definitely something I would do if I was on the toilet and my best friend Jess was like I'm gonna shit myself I'm not getting off that toilet apologies my microphone's fucking me up tonight oh my god my language I am off the rails tonight everyone i'm honestly off the rails i'm just out of control there is no control on me anyway awful awful behavior from your friend i actually feel quite bad for you especially because she's like if you leave my party you're gonna ruin it for me you sound like a brilliant friend to be to stay i'm

going home sorry hun fuck your party you asked for this you left me to stand there and shit myself so you can suffer yeah I know I'm the life of the party I know your birthday's gonna be shit without me but guess what I've just shit myself because of you so enjoy your fucking party Jane enjoy the money okay you've won I hope you're very happy with yourself you bitch anyway anyway next confession I love it we we needed to have some sort of poo confession I'm sure there's going to be one more it's the it's the leer on the line confession diaries you know what I mean all right we have a large friendship group which is mainly filled with boys my old best friend who I don't speak to anymore

slept with one of the boys around seven years ago okay I'm just gonna go ahead here and guess that you shagged him let's see so you're in a large friendship I need to catch up because my brain's just incapable today large friendship group mainly boys I actually think boys are such good friends do you know what is about guy friends is they will tell you how it is like if you talk to them like this guy's acting like this with me what does that mean he'll be like he ain't into you it was never gonna be you but you know it hurts but they're honest but if you listen to my first episode I also believe that they do want to sleep with you so anyway continuing on to the confession he said with one of your friends seven years ago they've never dated when I broke up with my ex, I started sleeping with him. Yeah, well, this proves my point, doesn't it? I started sleeping with him as friends and she doesn't

know. I know. Wait, she doesn't know. I know she'd be fuming if she found out. I also have slept with two of the boys in the group who are best friends. Neither of them know. Whoopsie. I mean, you are just doing the rounds, honey, aren't you? Also, can I just add this really definitely, most definitely backs up my point that you cannot be best best best friends with a guy without them secretly wanting to sleep with you or vice versa um I know everyone's screaming right now Leah that is the biggest amount of rubbish I've ever fucking heard listen to episode of cakes it's an interesting debate and I posted a clip on tiktok and it did not go down well can I just put it that way everyone's like uh no I've been best friends with my with my guy bestie for like 10 years I can't think of anything worse than sleeping

with him and and vice versa and I'm like okay literally it's just a fucking podcast hun I'm not claiming to be right about everything it's my opinion do you know what I mean relax anyway love you guys not talking about you all right what else you guys got for me right before i broke up with my abusive ex-boyfriend i put his toothbrush down the toilet hope he enjoyed his shitty breath do you know what i i back it i would have advised you to do it if you didn't think of it on your own put it that way um i mean you've mentioned that he was abusive so i think he deserved it don't you all yeah I can hear you all in my headphones right now yeah for sure he deserved it so um if anyone's breaking up

with an abusive partner be sure to put a stupor down the toilet on your way out I've just been to one of my best friend's weddings I I met her through my boyfriend. My boyfriend and her now husband are good mates. My boyfriend. Right. Okay. My brain can't wrap itself around that. My boyfriend and her. Okay. Right. So the guy's a friend. Sorry. I'm honestly stupid. And I got with the best man at the wedding. Wait a minute. You have a boyfriend. Was the boyfriend not at the wedding? I mean, he must've been because he's your he's her oh my god i'm gonna have a stroke it's the husband's best mate or good mate so he would have been at the wedding as well and you got with the best man i really fancy him too which is a big dilemma in itself sorry it's awful i know but it's good for the podcast content love you bye, bye. Oh my goodness.

Sorry. Love you, bye. I didn't read it properly. Oh my god, you just went and cheated on your boyfriend at a wedding, didn't you? What a place to cheat. The place about, like, loyalty and love and commitment. You just fucking got with someone else. I mean.

I, why do I, why do I kind of want you and the best man to run off together no i don't i don't because your boyfriend is probably a lovely man but fuck it no i'm joking i'm joking thank you for the confession thank you for making that decision uh just for the leo on the line content actually i've got a really good idea. Guys, if any of you make terrible decisions, just say you did it for Leah on the line. Just be like, look, the confessions are going a bit dry at the moment and I needed to give her something. The poor girl, Leah, needed the content. So I went and slept with your best mate. Listen, I'm a selfless person. I did it for her. Everyone go and sleep with your boyfriend's friends joking would you sleep with your boyfriend's friend to save his life I would I actually had this debate the other day right because I was with some friends and then we're

talking about this and they're a couple right and she was fully like i would rather you let me die than sleep with my friend and he was like i would rather sleep with your friend honestly if it was me and i was dying i'd be like shag her hun 100 i'm not dying for just for loyalty reasons do you know what i mean and if my boyfriend was dying i'll sleep with his friend of course i'll do it for free joking joking but come on you would also somebody asked me this question actually now i'm not gonna ask you i'm not gonna say that on the podcast it's a bit dark save that for the private for the private leo on the line group chat shall i now you're worrying thinking you're left out of this private group chat it doesn't exist don't worry so many of you like what the fuck they have a private group chat no we would never do that

anyway that's not true we don't have a group chat we could do that although on what we'll think we'll come back to that won't we anyway carrying on the confessions my boyfriend went down on me when we were drunk and i forgot i had a tampon in and it got stuck in his tooth he has braces he was stuck on me for about 10 minutes whilst we tried to get it off fucking hell what was he slurping how do you get a string wrapped around your brace it's all in the tongue honey no teeth no teeth involved why is the tampon managed to wrap its way around his brace then how is he going down on you just out of curiosity how old is he braces to be fair i had braces when i was 18 and 19 i was old having braces you wouldn't think i had braces would you everyone's thinking you didn't have braces without without

nanny mcphee tooth fuck you okay i did have braces but listen to this my retainer snapped um and i did nothing about it um and well my tooth just moves back to completely the way it was because I literally only had one what have one crooked tooth um why am I literally talking about my crooked teeth how many of you listen that don't know what I look like oh wait my face is on the cover do you ever like look at the cover when I speak and and just think that that voice is coming out of me like do you ever think about that like Like, think about that right now. Like, everyone look at the picture on Spotify or Apple or whatever you're on and be like, that's the voice that I'm listening to. Hello. Why's that too funny? Okay, next confession. I'm a cleaner for a living and I used one of my

client's vibrators out of her bedside drawer. The shame I felt afterwards was not worth it. Okay, this is one thing I can't get my head around, sharing sex toys. No, I couldn't think of anything worse. I mean, to be fair, if you give it a clean, but then no, I actually couldn't. Could you guys, there's so many of you that have done it. I know it. I know it. There's so many of you that have found a sex toy and used it, for sure. I've never done that. know it there's so many of you that have found a sex toy and used it for sure I've never done that I'm saying that now I've never done it and I never will that I mean the shame I felt afterwards was not worth it hmm so you're just like at work cleaning the house you see a vibrate and you're like I'm gonna put that on my bus interesting I like it okay I mean I hope you cleaned it after and before more importantly

actually well actually equally as important after I'm not gonna lie to you hun all right next confession hey girl I hope you're okay I have a bit of a funny confession so I went to visit my friends who moved away and we went on a we went on a staycation when I was there and she had a boyfriend at the time and me and my friend were sharing a room etc and one night I woke up to talking and I just kind of tried to go back to sleep but then she was on the phone sexting her boyfriend. Sexting? Oh sorry I can't read. She was phone sexing her boyfriend i honestly had no idea what to do i was like do i go to the toilet do i tell her this happened four years ago and to this day she doesn't know i heard all of it 100 if i heard my mate sexing on the phone i'd be like you

fucking dirty bitch take that somewhere else i can hear you down there 100 i'm saying something i mean it's quite funny i do like it but I'm 100% the type of friend that would say something do you know I accidentally read sexts on my friend's phone once and she doesn't know it was a total accident honestly it was a total accident it really was but it was like role play sexts this is not my this is not my business to be spilling on a podcast but anyway I saw like one glimpse of it and I was like oh oh enough of me enough of me enough of me to read but then I was a bit like I kind of want to read it but I didn't don't worry I didn't I actually didn't see what I mean you guys are for my confessions I literally give them out for free

do you know what I mean so I I kind of want you to tell your friends I want you to tell your friend that you heard her wait that's another thing I can't get my head around imagine sexing with someone in the room. I mean phone sexing. Sexing. Imagine sexing. No, but imagine having phone sex and your mate's in the room. Strange behaviour, surely.

I couldn't imagine doing that. Having phone sex and there's someone asleep. What if they woke up? I wouldn't even get on a normal phone call when someone's in the room. Because I don't want them to listen to my convo. I really want you to tell her and then tell us what she says because I reckon you'd laugh about it it was four years ago if if my mate said to me I heard you having phone sex with your boyfriend I would die yeah I would actually die I'll be mortified I'll be mortified honestly I would depends who it was if it was like my best best best mate i'd be

like why didn't you tell me you fake friends why did you not tell me uh shut up i can hear you fucking horny bitch um i like it i really wanted to tell her and then tell tell us all what she says okay next confession i was at a famous rugby player's house party okay okay famous rugby player me and the girls went for a wee okay it's another this is the last confession as well so we're finishing off with a poo confession um me and the girls went for a wee and you know when you accidentally poo a bit as well yeah so that happened and it wouldn't flush okay the boys were banging on the door trying to get us to come out of course they were fucking rugby lads calm down with the testosterone out there so in a panic

my girls made me throw my poo out the window i mean that's a story isn't it who's had to fish their own poo out the toilet before i haven't I actually haven't oh my god touch word touch word because that's that's a dilemma I never want to be in I'll let you know if it ever happens to me I'm I am scared though you know like sometimes when you go for a poo somewhere that you you don't know if it's safe how good is the flush system in this place do you know what I mean it is quite scary one thing I like about my mum's house is the flush system's pretty good you know you know you're safe but I have been to friends houses where you know like even when you have a wee and and the tissue doesn't even disappear and you think good job I didn't poo then do you know what I mean anybody else experienced that anyway back

to your confession you fish your poo out of the window at a rugby player's house party sorry famous rugby player okay um i mean you would have done it too for a chick i would definitely offer my friend some good cash to do it for me how much would your friend have to pay to fish her poo out the toilet i'll do it for 100 quid no I actually wouldn't maybe if I was having a shit time maybe I'll do it like 300 400 quid how much would your best mate have to pay you to get her poo out of the toilet for her but then I'm also a lover and I'm a giver so I might just do it for nothing to make her life easier no I would not do that I'm so sorry if there's like a net in hand you know like you just everyone has a net in their arm or like like a cup you know like the mouthwash cup some people have I mean

yeah I would do that for a friend I don't know why that's a conversation because you did it yourself but yeah why am I talking about that because if I'm willing to do it for a friend surely I'm willing to do it for myself anyway that's I'm willing to do it for myself. Anyway, that's the end of the confession. So basically, moral of the story is you guys are going to have to get up to no good. And I'm going to have to remember to put it on my Instagram story next time.

Sorry about that. What are you guys up to this weekend? Is it payday weekend? No, that was last weekend. Well, you've still got money, not if you're me because i when i was working in bars and it was payday weekend i was broke by the following weekend and the only place i would drink was the bar that i worked at because it was free anyway one of the perks of being a bartender hey but i hope if you are going out then you're gonna behave no i always say this don't behave why on earth would you behave i have a fucking

podcast where i need you to make bad decisions just don't ever put yourselves in danger okay don't put yourself in danger for leo on the line you don't need to see her there's no need um don't text your ex text me be safe make good decisions bad decisions safe always safe decisions always safe sex um if you're gonna have sex with your ex this weekend don't feel bad about it because everybody does it why am i saying that like that's something i'm planning on doing obviously not anyway i'm gonna wrap up the episode. Love you guys so much. Thanks so much for all the love on the podcast recently. You guys mean the world to me.

And I will talk to you, not tomorrow, not the day after, not the day after that. But the next day, that's Tuesday, to anybody that's poor at mathematics. Or maybe you're not listening to this on Friday, which is absolutely fine as well. Whenever you want to listen to it, it's fine. Okay, guys, see you on Tuesday I can't shout by the way everyone's asleep so we're going to have to do one of my pathetic love you byes

but if you guys like crank up the volume your end maybe it won't sound so poor so yeah, I love you bitches and I'll see you on Tuesday I love you. Bye.